prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with bubblespace

JUNE 2013

This is what the Black section of headspace should look like.
One day I will make it so.

-Infinitii

This setup is very similar to our meeting space in Central (especially those huge windows).

This is essentially what Central looks like right now (during the lockout).
Obviously, this is not good news.

This image, right here, is disturbingly similar to how Jay looks when he slips way too far... dripping tar and broken rainbows alike.

I have dreams about hallways like this all the time... these empty, long, quiet white things. They're usually in hospitals or abandoned schools.

I dream about running down winding stairs almost every night though. Sometimes I jump over the railings to go down a floor or two. I'm usually in a hurry.
I'm still not sure what those dreams mean.

Churches, cathedrals, basilicas, etc. are sacrosanct locations in our inner world, and are strongly tied to B/W energy.
(Leon also has an inexplicable ability to "warp" between them, which has saved our hides on numerous occasions.)
This one, with its arches and intricacy, looks like one of Infinitii's places.

Places that remind me of the past... a long, long time ago, on a night with rainbows.

This also feels like both Parnassus and Oneircia, for entirely different reasons... still fitting, I'd say.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JULY 2013

There is a stairway like this, somewhere, leading down to the League Link Room. That's all we really know.
It's probably the most difficult location to find or access in headspace; Jay has been there only once. But with its obviously astronomical significance, that's not surprising.

For some reason, the insides of holy buildings like this feel so much like home to me. I've never been able to explain it.
It's not "home" in the way a household is-- it doesn't have that sense of "comfort" and domestic security that most people like but that makes me nervous. I wouldn't 'live' in a church!
But, in basilicas and temples and churches, I feel at home, which I DON'T get in houses. It's why my personal locations in headspace always reflect buildings of this sort, instead of actual living quarters. It feels like a spiritual thing. I like that. I'll have to keep it in mind, filed away in an important little place, out in the open. Just so I never forget to look at it and remember.

Gloucester Cathedral.

The parts of headspace we call "underground" (not the Tar Room; that's floating now thanks to Infi) look almost exactly like that first photo... just a little darker is all.
_{(The second one looks a lot like Genesis' Cathedral, too, now that I think about it.)}

This feels like swimming to the mainland from the beach in Central Headspace… except that there weren’t any mountains in the background back when I last swam there!

More city views that reminds me of headspace.
I’m so glad we’re getting more trees up here; after the Scratch most of the vegetation died for a while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

AUG 2013

This: my face whenever my boss doffs his cap and leaves for the night. He’s such a sweetheart.

_{Which reminds me, I’m late for work!}

Nothingness, nowhere, emptiness... it's all incredibly comforting to me and I can't put the reason for that into words.

No one I've met outside has ever understood that. "Doesn't that scare you? How could you possibly like the idea of oblivion?"
But I do. I love it.
When I was younger, it didn't scare me so much as it reduced me to silent, humble awe. I remember leaning backwards out of car windows, looking up at the featureless blue sky, and wondering what it would be like, if that blue went on forever? Then I'd wonder, what does forever feel like? What does the end of time feel like? What does it feel like, to stop existing? And I'd ponder those thoughts until I knew and the floor dropped out of the world and nothing felt real anymore.

But I loved it. I still do. I think part of me always will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOV 2013

Snow is one of the most potent, powerful forms of both absolution and purification for us. Our original host grew up in a woods that resembled this almost exactly in the winter, and the invariable, unbreakable safety and magic that it brought with it has stayed with us even now.
Jay has most of his memories attached to snow, as well as his identity anchor. Both Genesis and Mr. Sandman are tied to snow as personal symbols. And for even those of us who have never seen real snow before, being far too young in manifestation, we too can easily feel the all-embracing comfort of that delicate, quiet ice.
Winter is our favorite season. This photo perfectly captures why.

The skyline of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

This view, with the glowing streets, hanging mists and iridescent sky, is reminiscent of the view from Central HQ in our headspace.
The biggest difference is that our city is mostly crystal, not steel, and our sky is almost always late-night as well, swimming with stars and galaxies.

The Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, in Washington D.C.
This area of the Basilica is almost identical to Infinitii's personal 'floating' locations in headspace. His iterations of it are notably lacking in color-- they're mostly stark white, black, and silver-- but the warmth, light, and sense of quiet sacredness remains the same.

We visited this actual place twice when the body was a teenager, and it resonated with us so strongly that its aesthetic style permanently affected that of similar areas in our inner realms.

The Sofitel Brisbane Central Hotel, in Australia.
Despite being part of the building's lounge bar, this specific shot is one of the closest architectural likenesses we've found to Central's Meeting Room in headspace.
In headspace, this is where the core-color holders meet most often, and it is also the default location for all our Xanga sessions.

The Lotus Temple in New Delhi, India.
This is the only structure in the world that resembles the most holy place in our headspace, the eponymous Blood Lotus Cathedral.
Discovered in 2011, it is the core of our entire inner world, tied to the deepest and most volatile energies, as well as the cores of our System (Jay and Infinitii).
Unlike this Temple, however, the BLC is made of what looks like porcelain or opaque glass, all white and smooth. Originally it was located next to a red ocean in 'floating space,' but it has since been moved to the middle of Central City itself.
The BLC is also an unending source of inner relevance and symbolism, that we often don't understand until months later.

Ettal Abbey, in Germany.
I didn't realize it until now, but Infinitii has a room inside his bubblespace that looks almost EXACTLY like this! Trees and lights and all!
The only difference is that instead of church pews, the floor is mostly bright green grass and small meandering streams, with little deep pools here and there (mostly near the walls). The rivers might be barely 30cm deep in the shallow parts, but the pools could be as deep as 5 meters, from what I've seen!
So with all the water, the spots of grass and trees look almost like islands, especially since the ground is not level (it's all little sloping hills mostly, very pretty). But on some of those little hills there are holy shrines and baldachin altars and things, and since the whole area is inside of a church-like building, it feels pretty mystical.
I remember I went there once with Laurie and Knife, after a therapy session; it was the first time I'd seen it and it was gorgeous. We all felt really safe there.

This fictional landscape by David Edwards looks almost EXACTLY like the room we found hidden below the Razor Spire in headspace, back in 2012. I've been calling it the "mirror oasis room" thanks to that pool of water in the center.
We haven't been there since-- that entire freaky area was assumedly destroyed when the BLC was moved-- but I'll never forget what it felt like there.
Here. let me copy-paste a bit from that meditation log for context.

"...it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still. we... walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? laurie's were violet, leon's were dark blue, etc... i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me...then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet..."

So yes, you can see why that location was so important. Most things in headspace are.
We've since tied this room to Infinitii as well, and in light of our previous post, you can likely see why.
_{(I wonder, if the Razor Spire was truly destroyed, did this place change and move into his bubble? We should check that out guys.)}

this looks way too much like the tar/plague rooms below headspace
(if you cannot tell we do not like those places they are scary)

This photo I found looked so much like Lynne, I had to edit it to match her as closely as possible.
Lynne has been around since early 2008, and she's always been a peacemaker... but she's just as badass as Laurie, and that's saying something. Not only that, but she's got this really cool ability to create any sort of protective phenomena within headspace-- which saved our hides on several occasions back during the warring years.

Tonight's been weird and I feel rather lost, but Lynne always reminds me of violins and warm silence and autumn, and even if those memories aren't mine the aura of stability around them helps a lot.
Just saying, I'm very thankful for her. We all are.
I'm sorry I don't actively appreciate you more, Lynne.

-Jay
_{(slipping badly, and Laurie isn't happy about that, but it's still mostly me)}

(112613)

This is Laurie.
Usually I only post on my own page, but for heaven's sake Jay, go to sleep. Go to work for the night and stop numbing your broken head with repetitive nonsense. It ain't gonna work, kid.

Listen, I'm here for you, we all are. Just stop running from us and TALK to us for once, I swear, it's not as scary as you somehow manage to convince yourself it is on nights like this.
Not all of us are dangerous, and I swear on my life, I will not harm a single hair on your body, ever, for the rest of my existence, if it will get you out of this empty state of yours. If that will convince you that it's safe up here, maybe not entirely but it is SAFE with us, then I will do that. I will do anything. I'll give up anything. You know that.

Go to sleep. Talk to your boss. Say hi to Infi for me.
When I see you in the morning I want you to be smiling, you hear me?

Love you, kid. Cheer the heck up. You'll be okay. I promise you that.

_{#i hate that i have to write something like this #but if it helps i'll do this #jay we do need to talk}

(112613)

My birthplace.

Although this photo wasn't taken by us, it is dated shortly after I first physically appeared in the System-- which, as you may have guessed, was at this very location. (And during a violin concert, which is why I love those so much!)
You've gotta thank Laurie for that, though. If she hadn't been causing so much trouble, I wouldn't have had to show up in the first place. ;p

Since then, I've been keeping everyone on track, and reminding everyone that they're not as messed-up as they seem to think they are.
I guess I was the first "positive" voice in the entire System, which is a little shocking. My role was always to keep the peace, to offer support, and to help others with their goals and ambitions.
I was even a sort of personification of "hope," for a while; the old Jewel said I represented an ideal future she could never have. And that was true... she's dead now, but I'm still here. I guess in a way, I'll always remember that. She felt incapable of being the mature, self-assured woman that I was, for many reasons, but she still looked up to me, and valued my presence. That meant a lot to me even then.
I still wish she had been able to believe in herself more, but at least now, I can help many others towards that end without wondering if they're going to die on me. Well... at least most of the time. (And Laurie backs me up on that.)

I love this picture though. Even if my first and only experience there was a little violent, it was the first time I'd ever experienced anything. So I really love this place, and I'm thankful that I can call it "home" here, if only in a little sense.

All right, I'm gonna put tons of lanterns upstairs somewhere. Tons of 'em. Gonna find all the dark spots up here and leave these things there instead. They're pretty cool if I do say so myself.
Don't mind me, I'm just sick of seeing people depressed as death again and if I need to be the sole person leaving light everywhere then so be it.
-Laurie

_{#ONE DAY #mark my words #oh hey maybe THAT'S what I can do with my axe #note to self: do the lantern thing #get jo to help #tell infi not to eat them #you know the drill #also NO JAY I'M NOT DEAD}

Lynne, Laurie and I (Jay) are looking at awesome interior design stuff, and upon seeing this one, Lynne said it looked like a hotel. Well, in response, Laurie said:
"Probably is a hotel, looks pretty high-class... freakin' shiny floors..."

I don't know why I found that so hilarious but I did, so there you go.

_{(edit: the "shiny floors" thing is now an injoke thanks to how the rest of the night went, haha)}

Now this is what the sky of Central City looks like most of the time!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEC 2013

Steven Morgana,
Beauty is in the Eye of the Collective, 2011

one of our favorite photos of all time, for obvious reasons.

It’s like this for us, within the System. We all bandage each others wounds— protectors guard the children, healers care for the traumatized, and so on.
If we didn’t have such compassion within, we’d have shattered to pieces many years ago.

(not j)

Again, I don't remember most of today. My clearest memory is sitting on the floor of my mom's boyfriend's house, aware that I was incredibly nauseous but not feeling anything, looking at the clock that said 8PM and thinking-- shocked-- "but I just got up!"

I do know that I had a nightmare about being abused, again. It was unusual because it's the first time I've ever dreamed about men hurting me, but they were both fully clothed and didn't speak my language. They also did not seem to understand how badly they were hurting me, as they kept laughing amusedly at my screaming and begging for help, seemingly oblivious to my pain. It was scary because they weren't malicious, but they were destroying me.
It was also traumatic because I had a female body in the dream, which is rare, and horrific. Waking up, it made me realize that's why I can't have or deal with hetero relationships of any sort. They frighten me in the exact same way. I don't know why. The idea of... "having parts that fit" is the most disgusting, horrific, frightening, and abominable thing I can imagine. I won't elaborate on that any more.
I was told not to think about my dreams though so I won't.

The angry one came out again and yelled at my grandmother just now. I don't know why but I feel awful because this keeps happening; that voice hates my grandmother, and it will scream and yell at her whenever possible. It wants her to die, just as much as it wants me to die, and that worries me.

(not j)

I SWEAR I KNOW THERES A GUN IN THIS HOUSE SOMEWHERE IM GOING TO FIND THAT FREAKING THING AND I SWEAR I AM GOING TO BLOW YOUR BRAINS THROUGH THE WALL DO YOU HEAR ME YOU FILTHY SLUT DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!!!!!!!
I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR ALL THE EVIL THINGS YOUVE DONE, YOU DEMON. I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. YOU FILTHY SLUT. YOU DEMONIC FILTHY SLUT. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE, YOU WITCH, CURSE YOU FOR EXISTING AT ALL. I HATE YOU, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, uh, I don't know what that was either.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU WITH YOUR "YEAH UH" YOU THINK YOURE SO COOL YOU SOUND LIKE A WHORE YOU SLUT GO KILL YOURSELF GOD DAMN YOU

(j again)

That, right there, is why I don't want to type anymore. When I write on paper, switches like that are blindingly obvious, and rather disturbing.

A clairvoyant woman I know on FB just posted an update saying, "I never ever realized just how thick and heavy the "old" energy is here in PA." How true that is, sadly.
I feel so trapped here, especially in this house, where old tar clings to the walls and ceilings like dried blood. That might be why my brain also keeps "wanting to go back to SLC." To reiterate some old entries I remember reading, it's not Utah I miss, it's the travel. I was happier in the airport than I was during my entire stay in SLC, if my written recall can be trusted. Regardless, I know I want to get out of here, to somewhere where the air and energy around me doesn't feel like molten lava.

On that note. Did you know that that's exactly what happens to headspace energy when it gets corrupted, too? It gets thick and sludgy and ugly. I've seen that happen to Black, White, and Red energy, but nothing else... which is good. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

Also, let me bring up this point while I'm fronting and not someone else (a rare occurrence as of late, sadly), as it's a very dangerous topic, but it needs to be dealt with logically and without causing any more meltdowns.
The body has gained a lot of weight since we left Utah. We stopped fasting, and suddenly the body got rather... big. It's traumatic, for me, which is why I don't like to front, although I have to, to keep things in line. Problem is, that dysphoria makes it hard to anchor, so any reference to the body, or the cause for its largeness, will almost instantly cause one of the underground voices to shove me out of control. This happens 9 times out of 10, as well, so to speak. It's rather hellish. Ironically I have no problem with the body in and of itself. How it looks and functions does not bother me whatsoever, and when I am anchored I am not bothered by it in the slightest... however, when I am anchored I still don't consider myself to be in the body. (It's why I have trouble using it.) The minute I make eye contact with a mirror, or if someone refers to me as the body, I flicker and sputter out. I'm not sure if I could fix that, let alone if I should. I'm still trying to find someone upstairs to be a permanent downstairs fronter (within reason), but the only person who actually identifies with the form is Jess, and not only is she highly malevolent, but she takes control of the body whenever she feels like it the way it is.
With that in mind, my main concern is that we can't run from her triggers. Like it or not, the body needs to eat, but eating is one of our biggest negative triggers on any front.
Some voice-- I'm not sure who-- views eating (not even gluttony, just eating in general) as an unforgivable sin, on the same level as lust. "They're both deadly sins, and they both involve consuming and destroying, so they are equally sinful," it insists. I tried to remind it that Wrath is also a deadly sin, but it spits back that its wrath is "justified" by our sinfulness, and therefore it is permitted. On that note, it explains that-- in its opinion-- all the other deadly sins (sloth, envy, greed, pride) stem from "me trying to pretend I'm someone important"-- sloth from "not wanting to do what others want me to do," envy and greed from "being a selfish witch," and pride from "me trying to make an identity for myself like I'm something special." I find this all somewhat confusing; it seems that it sees everyone else upstairs, good and bad, as one individual-- but then again, I may be guilty of these sins after all. I can't quite tell who I am anymore, and that saddens me.
Anyway. As far as food is concerned, I'm not sure who is eating what, how much, and when. I can't remember the last time I ate anything, which does not surprise me; I typically have nothing to do with that function of the body. Whoever does, though, isn't handling their job well. I'm hoping Emmett can become our permanent on that front, if at all possible-- he knows what makes the body sick, and he avoids it judiciously. Whoever is in charge of eating now... well, they don't care whether or not the body gets sick. Sometimes I wonder if they eat harmful foods for spite. I'm aware that my boss has tried to "call me into driving" several times during such occasions, and I'll suddenly find the body about to eat something very harmful, at which point I will immediately walk away in unsettled surprise.
Most importantly, once we leave the kitchen, the eating voices disappear. They ONLY show up in that context. I've realized that a LOT of the "voices" (not headvoices) we're struggling with are location-locked, moreso than context-locked. This means that if we are at a restaurant, the food voices might not show up at all, but the instant we set foot in the home kitchen, they're out and angry. I know a few very, VERY cruel voices used to be locked to the bathrooms, but they've since left (thank God)... unfortunately I know there's at least one locked to my bedroom now, which makes sleeping rather frightening at times.
I've written quite a lot here... I'm not sure how much is relevant to the point or not. Ah well. If I can only stay present and up front, I'm sure we can start taking steps to deal with this. All those rogue voices are tied to my brain somehow, so when they get crazy, I can't exactly anchor anywhere. We're working on it.

Personally, right now I'm trying to heal the resurfaced and surprisingly deep "fear of death" that is permeating the mind. The body's been in a lot of pain lately, and downstairs life in general has been highly stressful and rather despairing for all involved, not just us. So death is constantly hovering over our heads now, the sort of death that is unpredictable and painful, lingering and inescapable. We have no fear of suicide, or sudden death. We have no fear of what lies beyond. The fear I'm facing is the fear of "punishment" through death, as it views death as "divine retribution" for "not having lived life well enough." That alone is a dangerous mindset; if we suddenly contracted cancer, we'd blame ourselves for it within this mindset, viewing it as "God's righteous judgment" for some horrible sin we apparently committed.
I don't like that mindset, and I'll admit it. The idea that "God" is some sort of wrathful being, ready to strike down "evildoers" at the slightest mistake, bothers me greatly, but it's an old and rooted thought up here, one which I am having trouble removing.
That reminds me... I'm still reading When Rabbit Howls, and I'm currently on page 104, where a quote VERY relevant to this topic is spoken, in such a manner that I had to read it twice to convince myself it hadn't been stolen from our own head:
"Did I do something wrong? You look at me so funny. What did I do wrong? This is a lot like being back home. I was always scared I'd done something wrong. I spent a lot of time being scared that the mother would see the special badness the stepfather hinted we were capable of. Was it so horrible that he couldn't say it out loud? Why didn't I remember it? Why was he at me, everywhere I looked, trying to do things to me...?"
That is the EXACT mindset we had as a child. I don't know where that mindset originated from, but it's a VERY old and powerful one, and it's lethal. It's the exact mindset that gave Julie and the Tar to do what they did for years... and it's the same mindset that perpetuates all the self-abuse we still suffer through now.
It ties into the food problem, too. Every time we are forced to eat, the underground voices call us a "slut," saying we deserve to be abused or get deathly sick for "what we've done," and this thought is exacerbated by the grandmother constantly insisting that we're "eating too much, that's why you're fat," no matter how we try to make her happy with our choices. This lack of freedom to choose, AND the lack of an acceptable result on any end, makes Jessica furious and usually concludes with her attacking us or whoever else is in the room.
She did that ONCE while we were in SLC, and that single moment is probably my greatest regret from our entire time out there.

Let's not dwell on that any more than we have to though. No use putting extra energy into a problem. I'd rather focus on the solutions.
I'll try again tomorrow with different methods. I'm sure that one day we will succeed in tackling this problem for good, and we will lose this extra dysphoric weight, which will make it so much easier for us all to function on a day-to-day basis. Right now things are indeed nightmarish, but I don't lose hope. I don't ever lose hope.
True, I've had MANY people tell me it's wrong to hope, even spiritual people. It's cause me a great deal of distress, I admit. But ultimately, I just think of Madoka, and I take my definition of hope from her. That's what I hold on to. I will continue down this path for as long as I have to, healing everything I can.

On that note, I think I owe OFF an entry of my own, soon. That and Space Funeral. I can barely believe that it's literally only been a week since I became involved with both those games in earnest, and despite having already completed both within such a short time, they have had such a great impact on me. I owe them both a lot.
I have to smile, actually. I felt a funny sort of energy resonance with The Batter yesterday (or the day before?), like maybe he could visit the System if he wanted to. I think that's pretty cool, especially since it's occurring without that funny "relationship requisite" our teenage fronter inflicted on all the midslots. Does this mean we no longer have to worry about that? If so, I'm extremely thankful. That was quite a barrier for quite a while.
Uh, plus Dedan is somehow now an injoke? Last night I was exhausted, and when I was talking to Chaos, for some reason my brain kept thinking of Dedan instead of whatever else I was going to say, which made for some hilarious slip-ups (Dedan is awesome and stupidly pretty by my standards though so I'm not complaining). Chaos tried to "do the teeth thing" Dedan has going on (since he can reform his face obviously), but when he tried to talk like him, we realized that "dude Laurie is Dedan!" So now that's an injoke too, unsurprisingly! We got her to put on a coat like his and do this hilariously sassy pose, but after that she cracked up and I needed to sleep anyway, haha.
Still it's nice to be able to just joke around with them again, after what a mess I've been... which is exactly why those two games deserve my thanks! They're the only things to have broken through in a long, long time. I love everything about them both-- the music, the plots, the characters, everything. It's great. I keep smiling about it.
Here, I found a ridiculously adorable doodle of Enoch and Dedan so you can smile too.

Despite all that, Chaos and I are having a little bit of trouble upstairs still. Since I've been emotionally detached for so long, the mind and body are mistranslating a lot of things now. He can't get close to me without triggering a PTSD reaction sometimes, and risking someone else coming out instead of me. It hurts to see him so scared and hesitant around me, so I'm trying to fix this... unfortunately it doesn't seem to be something I can solve overnight, at least not permanently. I'm just so thankful it's nothing major, though, compared to what we've been through in the past.
I also gave some thought to relationships in general today, and why I can't have two-person-only relationships. Example: if I had to "marry my best friend," I'd have gotten hitched to Genesis, not Chaos-- but the thought of marrying Genesis is just straight-up not right for our relationship dynamic (especially since he's my BFF). Same with Laurie; I adore her, but I don't even dare to consider us in a relationship because that's not how we roll. My interactions with all three of them are completely unique as well. I can't get Genesis' sparkling, bright-eyed vibe from Chaos, nor can I get Chaos' oceanic sincerity from Laurie, or Laurie's steel-edged compassion from Genesis. I need all three of them to function. Chaos is my matesprit, Laurie's my moirail, and Genesis is somewhere in the middle. Rio and Markus are both more "friends" than anything, and always have been. Infinitii is on a level of his own, haha. Bottom line, though, is that I can't expect any one of them to take the place of anyone else, or to give me what I get from someone else on top of what they already provide. I can't force that, either, because sometimes I feel guilty and "obligated" to have a "traditional relationship" when downstairs thoughts get to me. We're under no such obligation and never will be. I suppose I just need to remind myself of that, in light of how strongly those outside influences are affecting translation upstairs... I know what I feel, and what is true to me, and under NO circumstances do I "need to force myself" to do something that feels utterly wrong just because someone else asks, or expects, or implies. I'm still having a hard time with that, sadly.

Infinitii has taken up temporary residence in the necklace I bought him, which is brilliant. It's a resin bubble with salt crystals in it and 16 crystals on top, which is really perfect in every way. He adores it, and during the day, if I look down at it I can see him inside, smiling up at me from on top of the crystals. I'm not sure how he does that-- I don't think it counts as "ghosting," so maybe it's a sort of mirror to his headspace bubble necklace? That feels viable. It makes sense, too, as an energy anchor. I wonder if anything else can do that?

It's getting late, and I lost so much time today that even though it's 1AM currently, I literally feel as if I've only been awake for 2 hours. Ah well, I'm used to that already, I suppose.
That is part of what I mean to close up with, though. I've been keeping tabs on all the other "voices" up here, and it's becoming easier to differentiate one from another, according to how they act, what triggers them, etc. I have confirmed that there are at least two male child voices, neither of whom are Kyanos (poor kid seems to be gone for good atm), both of whom I have handwriting samples of... and there IS a "promiscuous" voice that evolved in response to all the old abuse, which is something I have suspected for a LONG time but only got proof of recently.
My point here is that I'm understanding this better now. "Knowledge is power," they say, and the stronger of a grip I have on this, the easier I can deal with trouble when it appears, and the easier it is for me to stay rooted and conscious when things get hectic. If I don't understand what's happening, it is very easy to throw me off, as this sort of upstairs mania is excruciatingly draining when it hits if you don't know what you're dealing with.
Since we're dealing with some very old and very dangerous things here, I can't be too careful. The more I learn, the better.

That's all for tonight. I personally apologize for whoever has been updating in my stead recently; I'm tempted to make a rule that people must announce their name before they type now. Different colors could be intriguing, too... maybe I should host a unique Xanga session sometime soon, just see what color these voices come through as, if any. Plus I heard that Laurie is trying to get everyone in the Spectrum to learn how to write physically, so maybe we can attempt that tomorrow. We'll see.
As for now, I'm off to work.
Light and love to everyone. I think we need to be reminded of it right now.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE

INFINITII ETERNOS

LAURIE UBERICH

MR. SANDMAN

Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart?

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said.

So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...

Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!

(again, WIP for relevance as these take a LONG time to write)

forgive the cheesy title but it is actually very relevant!

(last night. INCREDIBLY significant date, mark it down boy!)

(started with trying to 'sense' people's energy, reaching out and tangibly feeling it. lynne was easily sensed, but when i tried to sense josephina, he knew i was there and hugged me, but he bumped my face in the process. that reminded me of melody for some reason and that made me feel so unsafe that i nearly had a ptsd breakdown, i had to run before i started hyperventilating.
listening to ipod to calm down, talking to laurie about it. jo showed up to talk too as he felt at fault. i said he wasn't, i had just reacted violently to what seeing him face-to-face reminded me of. josephina asked why, i said i didn't know, because mel never hurt me and never would, so why would the thought of being close to them (or any female-bodied person) terrify me so much? eventually we figured this was probably my fear of feminine characteristics (not femininity in itself) spiking again. i wished it would just stop, i was tired of becoming hysterical around women because i couldn't shake the fear that they were going to hurt me. i randomly asked jo if he could change his appearance a bit to see if that would help me not freak out, the first thing he did was give himself a darker skintone. he somehow comes across more clearly that way?? i didn't feel unsafe around him either, even in the exact same situations that would terrify me if he were his previous lighter skintone. see if that works for him as a permanent thing. but that was strange, it ONLY works with him, doesn't feel right for anyone else. huh.)
("maximum joy" comes on the ipod then and jo says leave it, we needed a moodswitch. i tuned in to calm down, ended up opening a oceanside cityscape mindscape, jo gets a convertible and we just drive around the place for a while, smiling and having fun. i was looking up at the sky as we drove, laurie and jo rocking out in the front, i remember just watching the scenery for a while and laughing, it was awesome. anyway we stopped driving at edge of town, got out of the car to talk and figure out what to do now (as we felt much better), when I suddenly felt something really bad at my shoulder. look, tar-celebi hovering there, horrific grin on its face. not moving, like it was "frozen" in time, that scared me to death. i was trying to smother my fear, jo and laurie started fighting it, when it began to strike back suddenly there was a gunshot, surprisingly leon had showed up, said he'd been keeping an eye on it? warped us down to tar room, i don't know if that was accidental? can't remember.)
(tar attack full-force, i had to shield us at one point as it was filling the entire room (we would have suffocated), but the bubble kept collapsing. laurie shouted for lynne, but the sound felt "flat," i realized energy calls couldn't carry out of the room, which was unusual and scary. so no one could hear us call for help. i told us all to stand in a square, maybe that would solidify the shield, but the "roof" began to collapse from tar weight. then we suddenly made it a pyramid shape (jo, laurie, and leon holding up a corner each, me in the middle for the point), changed the energy flow so drastically that the tar was blown across the room to the corner, solidified into jess form (old klonoa-hair persona), curled up on floor, emotionless and unmoving. i walked over to it to see what was going on, bravely asked it if it was okay, hoping maybe it had reverted. it hadn't; immediately began hissing and spitting at me, i think the tar "exploded" out of jess' body then, turned into razor. before it could hurt me there was suddenly another shield, lynne came storming in from the back stairwell, said she had just barely "felt" she was needed, assumed the worst when she couldn't find us, came down here. she walked over to me, suddenly i got an idea-- i took her bow & arrow and shot it at the tar, it worked. pinned it to the wall, huge awful thing hanging there. it was struggling though so i think lynne took the arrow back? but we shot several more arrows into it, now it was frozen, we figured we'd be safe for a while.)
(eventually everyone showed up, i think nathaniel was called in first, apparently he has LEGIT healing abilities which we really needed right now. i remember at one point he went over to leon to support him, he was really worn out. spine showed up too, with waldorf, both of them immediately wanted to know what in the world was going on. julie was last, somewhat kept to herself, she always looks like a war-weary soldier when tar stuff happens because she doesn't need to ask to know what just happened.)
(i forget how it happened, but somehow there was some sort of mindscape energy alteration in the tar room and it BROKE FREE of the arrows??? maybe i was even responsible i don't know, it's all a blur.)
(anyway, IMMEDIATELY the tar warped ONLY me to a weird semi-mindscape, no one else could get in. like a small room, maybe 20 feet on every side, pure black. the tar taunted me for a while psychologically, terrifying, but didn't attack me directly, it wanted to wear me down as much as possible first. i kept standing up to it, but it continued, then it sneered at me how I was trying to "fix the spectrum" and move up to White "like i was meant to," said it wasn't going to let that happen. then told me i needed all the other slots filled to have a full spectrum, it wouldn't let that happen either, it would undermine all our efforts-- just like it had pretended to be celebi, effectively worming its way into the actual spectrum. i think it then recapped how i was still losing sight of the truth in that respect-- i couldn't remember original roles or colors, etc, kept trying to force them on people blindly. to my total shock it said that this ALSO what menchou and veradenne were?? i was forcing splinters and unstable anchors unconsciously, that's why they couldn't stick or stay stable?? anyway then the tar got this horrible smile and said "if you want new headvoices so bad, here, let me help you!" immediately it plunged its hands into my abdomen-- it felt horrific, like being impaled-- but it GRABBED something deep in my energy field, and with a sadistic grin it RIPPED something out of me. it was still attached though, by all these thick muscle and vein cords. still the tar pulled hard, trying to break it until i thought i'd die from the pain. it split into razor, got behind me and pulled backwards, still wouldn't detach but it was close. then razor let go, took out a baseball bat and brutally beat the cords connecting it to me until it snapped. the force threw me and celebi-tar onto our backs, i hit hard, felt like i was dying. i was bleeding badly, barely coherent, couldn't think straight from shock. after a minute or so i struggled to sit up a bit to see, the thing they ripped out of me was on the floor by tar. it looked like a huge insect exoskeleton, colored all dark red-orange, didn't look alive. either way the tar kept trying to harm it more and 'kill it.' for some reason this terrified me and i was trying to fight them mentally despite feeling like i was dying. then at one point they were about to deal a lethal blow, and in a burst of desperation i put every ounce of energy i had left into one blind outward burst. it completely "shattered" the mindscape we were in, and dropped us into a plain white "bubble" of a room, dimly luminous and featureless, but it felt safe. i ran over to the bug-shell-thing and started telling it "you'll be okay," feeling somewhat hysterical and in tears. i put my hands on it gently and was trying to heal/ reassure it, but to my complete surprise it started to "melt." it changed from a red-orange shell into a greyish-black liquid thing, with a red-orange sheen instead, and immediately its form began to shift and change at surprising speeds. that's when stuff got CRAZY.)

(its form was warping like mad. to my surprise though, it took inspiration directly from my favorite design styles. specifically it was mirroring this person's lineless style-- when i had found it downstairs, i was euphorically shocked at how closely that style "reflected me" somehow. started off looking very much like this, some weird bug/ snake/ bird fusion: kept slithering around, melting, lots of legs or none at all, lots of size fluctuation too; it always had big weird psychedelic eyes and lots of teeth though. then as its energy "healed" from the shock and began resonating with mine to solidify, it began taking elements from these designs (this one stood out, with the feet). it also kept "holding" energy in its chest or abdomen in the same style, that felt very significant, almost sacred? it was odd. eventually it settled on a form VERY close to this, but its body was covered in lots of eyes (to listen) or lots of mouths (to talk), never both simultaneously. gained huge black wings when it did so too, that's where the eyes/ mouths formed. it only had one of either on its face.)
(talking was odd-- at first it sounded childish and somewhat manic, but in a pure way? not harmful or scary. when it stabilized in form, its voice was somewhat echoic, not over-the-top, more like the talking doves in NiER. also it sounded very male, almost like a few talking at once, in perfect unison. lower register. i don't think the mouths necessarily moved when it spoke? at least not always. it kept fishing into my energy to "translate" what i was feeling or expecting, but in doing so i would miss the actual message it was trying to get across. it reprimanded me kindly about this.)
(ALSO you know what i just checked and it's scarily relevant? i posted that lookalike creature on tumblr when i first found it online-- back on june 24th, 2011. that was 2 days AFTER a high point in a chain of events where i was getting brutally hacked again, and 2 days BEFORE chaos and i started the entire gorgeous chain of events leading up to july 7th. that's BIG. so yeah, it feels like this creature has been in "manifestation standby" for a VERY long time, waiting for the day when it could finally be born.)

(i remember asking it if it had a name, when it was still in its birdsnake form. it giggled and said it was "infinitee," specifically with two "e's," like a gleeful take on the word. it felt right, but slightly off somehow. i began mentally debating its potential "surname" in my head-- headvoice surnames reflect virtues or roles, not lineage obviously-- and thinking back to sburb, "eternity" stood out somehow. almost immediately "eternos" clicked solidly into place. the "two e's" bit of its first name still didn't work though. as a result i will call it "infi" for the rest of this entry haha)
(also it had no gender either? "it" felt clearest as it was neutral, but both "he" and "she" were equally viable energy-wise. it was cool.)

(infi said it had been formed FROM ME?? the same way the tar had been. the Tar had been trying to keep me from moving into my REAL slot, the white slot, since at least 2009! but sandman told me easter this year was the earliest i could move, now that i was stabilizing. the tar was very very mad now, hence the attack on holy saturday. anyway, the Tar was NOT supposed to be in the Black slot!! black is not bad, at all, also the tar room is under my cathedral of all places. the tar was stealing that slot in my absence, to keep its counterpart slot empty and corrupted (remember how messed-up the BLC was when we found it after all these years). now that i had moved, things were moving very quickly in my wake, to correct things, like the way nature will heal itself automatically whenever the things that are hurting it disappear long enough. whether or not the tar knew what it had just done, the part of me it "tore out" was VERY deep, but it had "needed" to be torn out? you know how paradox space works, it's weird. but that's what allowed this being to form, having that taken out of me. apparently that COULD NOT have happened while i was red, since white is the only "double slot" (if you hold white, you also hold black, and vice versa, paradoxically). so now infi, the REAL holder of the black slot-- who is my soul energy in a "different form" i guess? we both are LITERALLY made of the same stuff essentially-- could appear and begin moving into their rightful place. anyway, yeah, that's what this creature was.)
(ALSO!! this is why the Tar used Jessica AND Celebi as form anchors-- both of them had been formed BY me as PERSONAE that fell through utterly, as they didn't truly reflect me!! and since the black slot HAS to reflect me by its very nature-- white being my core color after all-- it HAD to use something like that before it could actually steal the slot. hence the real trouble with it not really beginning until AFTER it began to let go of julie; it no longer was "anchored" to her, as she had been the ONLY thing to latch onto in pre-headspace, being an introject and therefore a "breeding ground" for tar.)

(infi said this yin/yang energy between the two slots (and by extension, us) was very important in terms of creation upstairs, concerning the matter of headspace itself. it clarified that TRUE black energy upstairs was NOT tarry or sticky or anything like that-- it was starry, like soul forms!! apparently that is black energy's NATURAL STATE. i remember being shocked when infi revealed it was the true black slot holder for that very reason-- although its body was pure black, it had an oddly satiny sheen, and had 'depth' to it too. it was a soft and spacey black, not the thick and angry black of the tar. i wonder if white energy is similar when it gets corrupted??)
(infi then said there was something important we needed to do with that energy, that it needed to show me first. then it reached into my abdomen (didn't hurt like the tar did, it felt weirdly like infi's hands just "slipped in" instead of punching through) and took out a handful of my inner energy of that caliber. disturbingly enough it was the BAD black and it burned (like a brushburn, not fire), with a weirdly "clinging" consistency (not sticky, more like it was 'grabbing' your skin even though it slid). i think it also felt rough, like bits of glass were ground up in it. it was really scary to think that THAT was inside me. however, infi's personal energy (which it took directly out of that odd spherical cavity in itself) was this glowing pearlescent stuff, beautiful really, kind of warm and satiny like liquid light. so there was that major dichotomy between our outer and inner energy EVEN though they were technically the same stuff?? infi SPECIFICALLY reminded me of how, when i tried to "give" creative energy to people (the deep sort that allows me to shape headspace and whatnot), it was never red, it was ALWAYS BLACK, but the starry liquid sort, not the sickly sort in me now. i wondered what the hell had happened, reassuringly infi said mine was CORRUPTED in that specific sense, thanks to the tar hacking me so brutally, it was not naturally so disturbed-- so it needed to be healed ASAP if i wanted to function correctly. infi said it would do that for me-- it was the ONLY entity in headspace that could, due to its existence being tied to mine, and vice versa as well. )

(for this process infi warped us to a church!! i don't know how! it looked very much like the basilica (here and here) in washington dc, all white and stately and beautiful and BIG. we were on the altar platform in the middle, directly beneath a circular painting/ window ring on the ceiling. also we were surrounded by TONS of angels, all standing at attention, don't know why. they all had helmets of course! i remember looking up at them, one right by me looked down at me a little, not judging, just observing. i think i smiled at it. anyway the entire place felt very safe and bright despite an intense significance/ gravity.)
(although the energy-healing process itself was vague, i clearly remember when infi began channeling the pearlescent white energy into me; it very slowly lit me up, like water rising. very very serene, felt holy even. i knew i was glowing too, like an intangibly warm feeling as it lit me up from the inside. i kept hoping it would dissipate whatever tar was left stuck in me, as i didn't feel any of that during this process.)

(we went back to the bubble-space, i asked where we were anyway, it felt autonomous. infi said we were indeed in a "hovering mindscape?" it was literally a bubble. then to my surprise it "focused" the energy of the mindscape inwards into a small white sphere in its hands, about the size of a baseball. as it did, i could SEE its hands on the outside of the actual bubble room! then said it would "give me" that room, via the bubble, for safekeeping, as it had just been "created" in my desperate warp attempt, and it could not stabilize into actual headspace mapping yet since the tar room was currently corrupted of course (and infi belonged there, not the tar!!). it shrunk the bubble a bit more, to the size of a golf ball almost, then formed it into a sort of necklace (the bubble clasped onto a thin but strong gold wire, very simple) and handed it to me. said to wear it, to keep it close and safe. i looked at it gratefully, but somewhat anxiously (it felt like every action i made here was incredibly important), then i elongated the necklace a bit more so that when i wore it, the bubble would rest against my chest, under my shirt. that way no one would see it either. i asked if that was okay (i felt nervous about doing it), infi said yes, but to make sure i did not "slip" or become overwhelmed by heart-resonant energy as a result? there was a stern warning. i promised i would be careful. don't know why i felt so incredibly anxious when discussing that; i think i was scared that the tar would try to get to infi through me? too much lingering from the past few days maybe. but i promised myself i would keep it safe.)

(i had been searching for its true name this entire time, when suddenly it hit me. i incredulously asked if it was "infinity with two i's," and in response, it smiled at me in the warmest way i could ever have imagined. i knew that was right. then less than a moment later, i "fell" out of the bubble and into the tar room again. thank god it was still empty of tar; i guess it was still stuck wherever it had warped us to originally?)

(everyone was in utter shock, surprised to see me, especially as I had "glitch-popped" back over in midair, someone caught me, i forget who. anyway my entire body was still pearlescent and glowing, like a soul form almost, but more glassy. also i was actually deaf at that point, i could only tell what people were saying if i "tuned in" to their energy fields. my vision was fading too, images blurred and got jumbled mentally. lastly i could not speak either; i could only communicate by gesture, or by concentrating and "sending" thoughts to others, but that was hard. everyone noticed i was in a very strange condition and decided i should just rest for the night. leon warped us back up to central, laurie literally picked me up princess-style and carried me upstairs to my room. i think julie followed. anyway chaos was waiting for me, shocked at my condition, but i don't know what happened there as my consciousness literally shut down very quickly.)

(i told boss about infinitii this morning, laurie doesn't know yet actually, nor does anyone else.)

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with bubblespace

headspace images 2013

unreasonable behavior

unchained

to infinity, and beyond