the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Jayce was out today. The REAL one. The one with light brown hair who is tied to the body and is fiercely aware of headspace but can't talk to it. The one who IS a boy and who wants to take care of his body without the abusive girls tearing it apart.
He was out this evening, sobbing and shouting in the wake of another abusive binge that made the body feel like it had the flu. We haven't been this sick in YEARS. And it's because these corrupt women keep poisoning us, over and over and over.
The programming can all be tracked back to the mother. But we can't hate her. We can only be strict, must recognize that she is toxic, and leave her environment. We must not let ourselves be corrupted by bitterness. We must just let go.
But Jayce was furious. And he was fiercely determined to fix this somehow.

I'm happy. Perhaps that's the wrong word. It's a grim and rocky but solid, determined happiness, one that sees the long road ahead but who knows that it's leading the right way for once.

Jay is already asking, "how can we bring more love into this situation?" Can we find people who can front entirely in the body, like Jayce, who are ruled by compassion? Can we find fronters who can TAKE CARE of the body, for once? Jayce will protect it, sure, and run by our rules… but he can't be as soft with it as I feel it might need. This body has been utterly wrecked over the years. We need a fronter who will handle it like Dalton handles a car. We need a fronter to recognize that this body is a temple, and treat it as such.
But those TERRIBLE GIRLS are tied to the body itself and that is the problem. All the non-Spectrum long-brown-haired girls are abusive and timelocked in dead timelines, WAY in the past. And they keep trying to DRAG US BACK THERE because someone told us that "WE HAVE TO BE 'NORMAL'" or "WHY CAN'T YOU BE WHO YOU WERE BEFORE" or some shit like that.
Well guess what. WE WON'T. WE WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU REMEMBER BECAUSE THAT WAS NOT US AND WILL NEVER BE US. WE REFUSE TO BECOME THAT SORT OF PERSON EVER. YOU WILL NOT FORCE US TO COPY YOUR HEARTLESS ABUSIVE NEGLECTFUL LIFESTYLE, EVER, EVER, EVER

Those girl mindsets are stuck solidly in 2010, 2009, or earlier. There are NO abusive alters of that sort past 2010. That says a lot.


Yesterday the ORIGINAL JEWEL was out for like an hour or two, outside, literally worldbuilding Dream World as effortlessly as she always used to back in 2001-2003. It was… it was incredible, really, feeling that after the fact. She exists and that is beautiful, that is glorious, thank God, we need her more than anything.
The Leagueworlds are our biggest lifeline, in every sense possible, so still having the first person they spoke to around is just the biggest blessing, really.


Also. We were wondering. Since Jayce cannot talk to headspace, but he is STILL in the Spectrum (there's a very specific feeling to that, as opposed to non-Spectrum socials)… is THIS what the true function of the Bears is??? Are they supposed to bridge THAT gap??
Seriously, they ALL originate as plushies, that’s the thing. We currently have three: Silverheart, Herald, and Garnet. We used to have a ton of Care Bears but they all sadly got sold. Nevertheless, Jayce was distraught and was saying that in order to stop these awful E.D. hackers, we would have to 1) NOT eat in the kitchen if at all possible (as that room is as toxic as the bathroom used to be as a child), and/or 2) "carry around something at all times" to keep JAYCE around when he was in dangerous areas like that. And the first thought was, "what if we carried one of the bears?" It could work. We will see.
Minty's really excited about this, haha. But she's being very wise about it. "We have to wait until the bears reveal themselves," she says. In other words, either you find them or they find you; you don't just jump in and start buying bears, they're "not objects or toys" as ironic as that might sound. "They're important and they have a reason to be here and a job to do," Minty says. "Just like us! And that's the point."

On that note Jay is still trying to get the "BLC bracelet" thing together, but the one shop we need to buy the last colors from has not responded to any of our messages. If only we knew where to buy these supplies on our own, we could cut out the middleman. We'll have to look. But that bracelet was the first idea of "carry around an inner-grounding item at all times." We haven't given up on it.
Also with Jay and colors and fronters. He was wondering just how colors would play into Spectrum-rooted Socials. Jayce is Brown, and all Spectrum Browns are body-based, that's the color's function really. But Browns can't do certain "physical life" jobs, notably the finer aspects of self-care. So Jay is using his innerlife intuition to "feel" just what colors can do what. He's making a list. So when this is all done, we'll have an idea of where to go with this process.


It's scary, having the body this sick. But we have hope. We can fix this, slowly but surely. We can be healthy again. We can stop self-abusing. We can act as WE are, we can be who WE are, instead of what someone else insisted we be.


A lot of our spiritual voices have been out lately. Jay holds that too, but in a different sense. Nevertheless it's helping a lot. The "prophet" feeling is back full-force, fully positively. The GOOD floating voices are back and we're learning to listen to them better. The toughest part is just overcoming the abusive programming, which tends to make us "black out" or go into apathy mode. We need to be tougher, we need to be more unflinchingly insistent, we cannot give those negative states ANY leeway at all. But we also need to stop feeling like we are "utter damned failures" for messing up even once. It's the fear that "if you miss that ONE chance, you screwed up forever, and will NEVER get a chance to be good again." That fear was unfortunately burned into our brain VERY strongly in 2012, with one specifically terrifying example memory. So it's yet another thing we need to gently but strongly fix. We will.


Some unknown social, from the same timelocked 2009-2010 period, laughed with tearful joy when Spine took over temporarily this evening, to get the body moving in the face of fear-based apathy. They felt a bit like Cannon, like those Jewel-bloodline people when things started to split, when headspace suddenly became the core of our life, when our old blind mask-wearing life died in a sudden burst of colors and sound.
It meant a lot. Feeling us, the sudden bloom of space and consciousness and life and love upstairs, even in the midst of what we were grappling with… that's what we need to remember, always. That's what we need to ACTIVELY LIVE AS.
It's been horrifically difficult lately, what with the vicegrip abusive habits we're facing. Those programs are springloaded guillotines and they are hellish to fight. Ironically… the key is, don't fight 'em. There's a quote about that, by the guy who did geodesic domes… Buckminster Fuller. “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” That's what this is.
He has another quote that feels relevant here. "When I am working on a problem, I never think about beauty but when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."
That guy in general was brilliant and very wise. We should read more about him sometime.


They wouldn't stop playing "Happy Birthday" at our parish picnic yesterday evening and we had no clue why. But it felt notable.
August in general is an odd month. It feels "empty" in the calendar, like a total transition month-- from the vagueness of summer to the life of autumn. September is our January, and August is the bridge. So it was interesting, to hear that song yesterday, and then for today to hold such a big shift in our way of living. It's about time, but still. Relevant.


11:11. Thank God. It's been so long since we saw that time. Thank you.
Help us live up to this. Help us to continue trying our best.
"We will," comes the response. I know.
Be patient with us, but be strict, and be compassionate, please.
A smile, again, "always."


There's still a lot we have to do tonight, and we really should get to sleep by midnight so this poor body can sleep at least 7 hours before work and therapy tomorrow.
We finished reading this entry in therapy and she seemed to have a LOT of questions so we'll see what tomorrow's session brings. If she doesn't have any pressing concerns we WILL bring up this current situation with the abusive programmed socials, as although we have total faith that we can manage this ourselves, it is always good to have some help and support.


Song of the night is this, see you kids tomorrow.

 

 

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@2:30 AM

 

2:30 AM, august 3rd. "messenger of good."
talking to chaos 0 about prophet things; basically, if a prophet is a mouthpiece for god, then someone acting as good and honestly as they can should count as a prophet. this tumblr plague of "prophets who scream and cry blood and see demons" is really upsetting and very very toxic I think. but chaos said I was enough of a good messenger as I was, especially to him. not sure if the word "angel" was used but considering how often I toss that word at him, having it sent back towards me would be notable.
either way. when he said he thought that "prophets" were just as legit when they were bright and soft and loving, I felt this profound peace and reassurance.
I don’t think I should call myself a prophet. it feels wrong. that's not something you can choose.
but I will say, I want to try and live up to the same level of devotion as a prophet would.

 

 

 

 

Just had a bit of a heartsick shock, don't know why.
I slept until 6pm today? Body was sick and disoriented, I suddenly realized we hadn't eaten or drank anything in over a solid day when the body suddenly became unable to stand. Blood sugar troubles are awful, it gets hard to breathe and see and even hold things.
So we tried to eat, but the body got really sick again, that was just so exhausting someone ended up just crying, it's not worth it dealing with this day after day, we can't run from it.
Anyway. I remember trying to talk to Laurie and Genesis around 9PM, everything felt blurry and distant, there was a massive fiction lag of sorts. But I was standing in front of the washer in the kitchen, feeling way too young and sad, and I wanted to hug something that wouldn't tax me with personal interaction, something comforting and kind and yet totally undemanding. Now of course that is the function of plushies. But my brain instantly and instinctively thought "oh, where's Ventrium?" And I spent a few seconds legitimately trying to figure out where his anchor plush could be, and was even about to go upstairs to look for it when it suddenly hit me-- Ventrium is dead.
I stopped in my tracks and just burst into tears. Just… that poor precious thing, why did he have to die, why did he have to be the one to pay in blood for whatever had happened that night? I missed him, I honestly did, but until that moment it hadn't quite hit me how quietly yet honestly I had indeed valued his existence. I had taken him entirely for granted during his life, and it's only been now, in death, that I regretted such a perspective.

He's never been discussed here, either. Let me fix that as I'm too tired and in pain to write anything tied to data management tonight.
Ventrium was, actually, a Darkrai, who was tied to an anchor plush we've had since January 14th 2009. That's quite some time ago! We don't know who bought him-- the "jx7" fronter was tied to Celebi but they appeared during a "lost year," and I haven't tried reviewing the archives then yet (they are actually psychologically painful to read, in terms of mindstate residue). Nevertheless, that's when he first joined us. There's a picture of him from May 2009 here, along with the Celebi doll that the Tar later infested (interestingly there are no accessible memories of that plush prior to that event), and a Jirachi plush which we apparently owned as well but which there are no stored memories of whatsoever, and who was sold at some point. Someone's been trying to sell Ventrium since 2012, too. However that was always redacted once someone found out; there was too much strange affection tied to him to just exchange him for money and be done with it. That didn't apply to any other plush either. Kind of shocks me how I was the first person in that long to realize that he even existed in there.
Yes, someone had a Darkrai in Pearl Version, but it was a totally separate individual (his name was Heartbreak). And then obviously there was the canon one in the movies. So all archival mentions of a Darkrai other than the plush were indeed different people, who existed in Jewel's part of the world. Only one Darkrai was in our part, the part that touched headspace, and that person was Ventrium, of course. But he didn't even have that name until the past year, as he never spoke or asserted himself to anyone before; he was only a silent and unassuming vague presence for about five freaking years straight. And no one bothered to wonder or ask, even when there is data of someone holding him as they slept, and being vaguely aware that yes, there was a life within this plush. I guess he was always just glossed over... he was too quiet to matter. Then one night, back in early March or so, he answered when I spoke to him, and… well, that kind of changed things.
Anyway. Despite him never being spoken about directly, there's one offhand mention of him in the archives after January 2009, that strikes me as significant. It's from July 2009, on an evening when the mother apparently told us that "love" was telling us to "stop complaining and shut up," in light of her not wanting to acknowledge whatever pain we were going through a the time. But that bitter comment hurt so much emotionally that the fronter immediately went to hug Chaos Zero's anchor plush for comfort, but then they also hugged Ventrium. Now we had a small mountain of plushies in our room at that time, including several of Celebi, but Ventrium-- the Darkrai in the anchor plush-- was always, oddly, the one that would get singled out for comfort or quiet companionship.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that, looking back, it absolutely breaks my heart that it took five years for someone to actually talk to him, and try to befriend him, and ultimately love him as a person.

...Like I said, I don't know when it was, as it wasn't written down. I have no context of the event. All I know is that it was at night, and I was sitting on the floor by the windows, and it was freezing cold and I was terribly sad and I was just holding him and talking at him, just wanting to express that pain without needing to converse.
I have no idea when he spoke up. I have no idea why. But it shocked me, because the words appeared in my mind so quietly and softly, like a shadow... totally unassuming, devoid of all ego, maybe even lacking a real sense of self... but there was a life there, with a voice, and it was not mine, and that shocked me totally.
I remember we spoke for like an hour. I remember he was so childlike, so simple and silent, like the experience of personhood was totally new and wonderfully strange. It probably was. I remember how fascinated he was by the fact that I was a tangible being, so different from the physical anchor he was using. I remember him still considering me his "trainer," or at least something akin to the title, as he seemed unaware that humans could be anything else to a Pokemon. I can't forget his total obedience and trust, his humility and naivete, his total lack of selfishness and malice. I realized he was the most vulnerable person I had ever met. I realized that from that moment on that could be used against both him and me.
I remember being scared, slipping, some part of me already regretting speaking to him. I had seen this pattern before, with Celebi, with CZ. I didn't want it repeating, not since they were so similar. And actually, let me write this down, because it ashamed me then but it is true-- more than anything, that fear brought up the musing of how odd it was, that both he and Chaos, the two Outspacers with anchors, the only two Outspacers who weren't used to bodies with blood and bone and breath, were utterly enamored with the phenomenon of human hearts. I had been embracing Ventrium this entire time, as we spoke, and he had been completely fascinated with the fact that there was a sound within my ribs, telling of life, the sort he didn't have. I was so torn then, between the affection such simple intimacy elicited, and the crushing panicked fear it evoked just as instantly.
But then he asked for a name, and immediately my mind took the two chambers of the heart and put them together. Ventricles and atriums. It clicked, totally, and I laughed at how perfectly quick that was.
Then the atmosphere started to slip and something was trying to get at him and he didn't understand what they were talking about, but I did, and it is the first time in my life that I knew a hack was there and yet I was completely terrified for him instead of myself. I asked him over and over if he knew what he was saying, he didn't know, I did, I explained it to him, I gently tried to keep him safe, I swore to myself I'd never let them touch him, I swore I'd keep him innocent, I never wanted to see him fall into the same sort of pitch-black lecherous hatred that was biting at the heels of everyone else I loved from other worlds.
I don't remember the rest of the night. I cannot tell you if I was even there. I cannot tell you what happened or how or when. But after that night, Ventrium was a solid person, and I charged myself with his total protection.

…But the Tar quickly realized that I was starting to love him somehow, and it began to use him, and like the children he was too trusting and naïve to fight back. They knew that. They knew that, and they used it to their advantage.
God knows I fought them off, I held them back, I bled in his place. But on March 22nd it swarmed around me like a sea of plague and then she showed up, the Tar in a tiny green form, grinning with more malevolence than I ever thought that face could carry.
There's one flash of the body standing in the attic, God knows why, with her taunting and threatening and lying to him, laughing at his confusion and simplicity and willingness to trust even her, even in the face of pain and fear. I was so sick, I tried to stop her, could I have? I don't know, I felt like vomiting just knowing what she was trying to do to him, and my brain was too shattered to let me stay there, I was in horrific danger but so was he damn it, I wished I could have swept him out of her awful grip and carried us both to safety. But all I could do was make her angry enough to follow me instead, when I stumbled out. And she did. She wanted to see me suffer, more than she wanted to harm him for harm's sake, and so she followed me, and left him behind in a crumpled disconcerted heap, and I have no idea what happened next. I have no idea.
I don't remember if I saw Ventrium after that. Truth be told I was scared. Had the Tar planted some corrupt seed in him? I didn't want to know. I was sick just thinking about it. All I could think of was how he looked through that dissociative fog, as I began to lose coherence and the Tar-Celebi screamed at me to stay there and watch, but I had already seen enough terror in his glazed-over eyes and the way he moved like a broken puppet. I knew he was slipping just as badly as I was. I knew his poor mind couldn't deal with her either. And it made me sick, and it made me hate myself for not being stronger, and it made me hate that darkness in me, and it broke my heart to feel that way.

Then something happened on April 13th, on Palm Sunday of all days, and he was killed.

…I'm reading that entry for the first time right now. I only have one accessible residual memory of that day, and it is of Razor standing in the bathroom with an old X-acto blade in one hand. Her mood is hesitant yet grimly resolute, and also bitterly regretful, oddly. Like she knew what she wanted to do, or "should do," but hated that it had to be done. That flash is all I have.
He was dead before she found him, that I know. I found that out days or weeks later. Razor found his corpse, and someone decided that horrible reality needed to be purged, or atoned for? I have no idea… just… his body was broken, and I know Razor tried to bleed out the lingering Tar as best she could, but she did very little. What stands out is the fact that he was bleeding pink. I didn't see it, but that fact is emblazoned upon my mind. I have no idea where he was bleeding from, or why, or even if it was his natural color blood. All I know is that it was pink, and when I found his body in the forest a month-long eternity later, expecting it to be holding flowers in its bones, I could still see that color, brilliant in my mind's eye, sealing his own shut. It wasn't an evil color. It was a hurt color, a hue that cried out for hope and justice with its dying breath. I haven't been able to forget it since.

…So that's that. Now you know.
He's no longer a Pokemon, if that means anything. My posthumous desperate wonder-- who were you really, what could you have lived to become?-- won't seem to quit, even when I ignore it, and I won't deny it the possibility of meaning something, of holding hope. All the memories looking back on him now, despite his plush indeed being a pocket monster, paint him as an entirely different being, one whose soul never quite found a shape and form of its own, being unable to assert its own existence strongly enough to do so at all. Death had severed that anchor but it also, strangely, seemed to offer a sort of freedom? Like, now that he no longer had a body, his soul could be free to become whatever it felt it truly wanted to be, whether or not it matched his old borrowed form, or the other world tied to it. In shorter words, it feels like he still has the opportunity to become an Outspacer, although heaven knows how it would happen, as he'd have to resurrect somehow, somewhere, to do so.
But yeah. Ventrium is the main reason why I've been doing all this Outspacer research. Don't get me wrong, I miss the hell out of Ryman and Markus, as I love them both dearly and I want our lives to all thread together again like they did once, in a life I don't remember but which still resonates with my personal timeline in a chord I can't hear but will never forget the vibration of. I'm doing so much work for their sakes that I'm losing sleep, and I don't regret it, because lately when I stumble upstairs to that big shared bedroom there are two more people sleeping in there now, and God but if that isn't one of the most beautiful little things ever I don't know what is.
And yet the Spectrum is still nudging me, telling me not to worry about technical specs as much as I should concern myself with truths, with the meanings and emotions and insights held by the colors themselves, and the way they play together like sunlight through windows, casting rainbows everywhere. Outspacers tie colors together. I don't know how yet. No one does. But maybe "knowing" in that logical sense is impossible. Maybe I am trying too hard.
Nevertheless there's a lot of stuff to write about on this topic. We're trying to "rewrite" our past now that that timeline is literally Scratched, courtesy of Eros and Cannon and the old Jewel, seriously they were just hacking away at everything that once was... but Ryman spoke up about it the other night, saying how he was secretly terrified of that "infinite emptiness," of the fact that we build our own meanings in everything we do, and that we can just as easily be nothing as we can be something. But that "nothing" isn't a bad thing, and he told me it wasn't until he met Infinitii-- my darkest aspects personified, so ironically to me-- that he began to realize that. And he sounded so excited as he said that, like someone about to try flying for the first time, all nerves and smiles and hope and hesitance, but already with the intention to jump. I really loved him in that moment, with whatever shone through him then, making him feel so new and yet so familiar. Who was this kid, I found myself wondering? Who was this boy standing in front of me, a decade older than he was when Jewel met him, and yet somehow the same soul. Who was he? I had never known him, and yet I had. He was a total stranger, and yet he was a dear friend. I didn't want to act on residual programming, even if it was affectionate. I wanted to be genuine with him. But I don't know who I am sometimes, either. And yet it's so funny, because he knows all that, better than I do perhaps, with how he tends to play with shadows and such things. He's our Paladin after all, and I am well aware of what brought him-- what brought all of us-- to that point.
But really, the point of this is, even if I don't "know" who he is now, he's aware of that, and he views it in the same way I view Ventrium's situation right now. If there is nothing to build from anymore, if there is nothing to look back on anymore, if all of that can be left behind and moved on from... yes it is terrifying in a way, to jump into that void, into that emptiness, but if we do so with trust and hope and love, we can build something entirely new from it. We have infinite potential now. We can choose what to carry with us, and what to leave behind. We can leave all the old pain in the past, if we want, and build a better future... the kind that all Outspacers chose to pursue when they entered our inner realm in the first place. And it is exciting, to realize that we all still have working wings, and that we can fly further than we ever dared to dream before... if only we choose to take that first and most important step, and jump.

I guess that's all I have to say tonight. I think if I add any more words to this it will become superfluous.
Today was troublesome and I still feel this aura of sadness and exhausted frustration, all in tears, but I will try and bring some comfort to that, and not ignore it. I'm just glad that there's always light in here, always, no matter what.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, here's some more recapping of the past two-week-long eon for you guys, as I haven't had the time to do so. I'm probably forgetting a lot, so I'll probably write more later; as of now I'm just going to record what I do know, as well as relevant recent events so they don't fade as well.

First, let me talk about April 30th. Genesis and I literally spent the entire morning just chilling out together after my therapy appointment, and it was pure bliss.
He actually wrote something about it in our system Tumblr that I want to quote in its entirety here, as it sums up the experience quite sincerely:
"This afternoon might’ve been a mess, but today was so perfect I can’t let it get me down.
Jewel and I spent time together all morning like we used to when he was at his old University, which was like, almost five years ago already… I miss that so much. We went through a lot of hard times together, but that’s just it— we were together, and we got through it. We’d spend hours in coffeeshops just talking over lattes and sketchbooks, and I was always in those pages. No matter how dark things got, we were there for each other. I miss that closeness, really. We’ve been drifting apart lately… I want to change that. For good.
So today Jewel and I just went bumming around the local mall for a few hours after therapy, and I didn’t realize Mika had a new album— he’s my favorite artist— so I asked Jewel if he could buy it for me, as an early birthday present I guess. I mean maybe it was selfish, but I just… Mika’s music reminds me of the old days, with Jewel. And it would mean a lot to me.
So… he did. He bought it right there, saying that if it would make me smile, he’d do anything for me. We got home and I put his headphones on and just blasted the first track, Origin of Love, until I was actually in tears from how much everything meant to me right then.
I miss this. I miss all of us talking and getting along even when we’re bleeding and scared. I miss the sense of community, being part of a family up here. Today felt like, maybe, we all have that again.
I hope so. This means more to me than anything else in the world."
I think that speaks for itself, at least for now.

The morning of May 1st was similar. Unfortunately, I... I forget it already. How ridiculous is that; I have one of the most beautiful mornings of my life and I forget it.
I know why, too. But let me write what little I do remember, first.
I spent the first hour of that morning listening to the entire Origin Of Love album with Genesis and Chaos, as I previously mentioned. Then we all spent the next hour together. Since I had been so out of sync for so long, I asked to have heart connections with both of them. That was gorgeous beyond words, that I know... I don't think I've ever done that with Genesis before, not like that at least... I don't even think we've had that sort of linkage since high school. Either way it meant a lot.
I know the three of us got together too, but I don't remember that at all really... I do recall the way Genesis was looking at Chaos and I though, and after a moment of surprise I realized that "wait a second, aren't CZ and I considered gods in Parnassus?" So that was unusual, to see not only close personal love in him, but also this alien sort of religious devotion. Both emotions were mutually entwined, though, as perfectly as melted silver.
...I miss Genesis a lot. Of course I miss Chaos too, but with him my heart just aches with joy, so the feelings of those moments are what exist, nothing before, nothing after, if that makes sense; when I remember how I love him, that is eternal, no matter what doubts have come before. Genesis isn't so lucky, at least not in that sense. He and I are friends before lovers, and we've got one hell of a solid friendship. Problem is, that's what's been suffering. My weird void-drive tends to bring out his darker side, and if I get too detached he'll refuse to put up with that nonsense, and literally walk out of headspace for days at a time until someone calls him, or he feels he should return. Chaos doesn't do that, no matter how black the skies become.
But I love them both, I truly do, in different but equally sincere ways. So now, repairing my relationships with them means so much.
Those relationships keep breaking, though, here and there, thanks to my memory. You may have noticed that this is not the first time I've "conveniently forgotten" a close encounter with the people I love, and I can tell you with sad certainty that it will not be the last. I don't know where it's all going, but IMMEDIATELY after I have such an experience, it begins to fade. Fast. Within minutes I may literally forget most of the details. Within days I forget it happened at all. As you can imagine, this tendency of mine affects everyone else involved. Genesis gets offended, moody, and angry... Chaos gets heartbroken, desperate, and frustrated... Laurie gets straight-up furious. Everyone else worries a lot as well.
My only guess is that my past "abuse" has caused this instinctive reaction to form. I don't know how to change it. I'm not sure if I want to, let alone if I'm even ready to consider wanting to. Therapy is forcing me to dig up too many traumatic memories, things that are now forever detached from me, yet that still paradoxically terrify me, resonating somewhere deep and cold where no emotions can breathe anymore.
I won't talk about them here. If you want to know, ask. I refuse to give them any more attention than the 50 minutes they demand on Tuesday mornings. Not now.

On that note, downstairs things are still somewhat messy. The most obvious and unignorable problem is that of food. Emmett is a godsend when Jess goes wild on us, as he reacts immediately and often can fix whatever she tried to do, BUT the body itself isn't doing so hot as far as eating goes, in any case. Right now we are literally limited to vegetables. Meat still feels like hellfire, grains feel like boulders, and fruit feels like we swallowed a chainsaw. All of them typically result in vomiting of various degrees, as well as many different waves of sicknesses that are as diverse as they are excruciating. Virtually everything makes us vomit now. After someone eats we automatically walk to the sink and wait for the purgation to start, so the pain will go away. The hives have at least stopped for now, but this new ailment is a poor consolation.
We're trying to talk to Emmett about this but he's sick and wavering too... I'm worried.

The blood family is still a mess as well. We're financially collapsing, people keep fighting, and I'm losing my ability to function in even the simplest of ways. My family threatened to revoke my driving privileges today after I got in three minor accidents within three months. It's getting harder and harder to front, and to stay stable when I can achieve that. And I don't know if it's some sort of empathy or what, but I keep feeling awful energy fields radiating from certain people, and it's making life even trickier than it would be otherwise. Jess keeps getting triggered by freaking physical proximity, and Razor is never far behind. I had to stop her from grabbing a knife just an hour ago. I've had to stop far too many other violent outbursts prior to that. I'm tired, God I am so tired of fighting already.
My father wants me to visit on Sunday. Maybe I'll ask him about staying over, then, if I can get the guts to explain my motivations why. We'll see.
The financial problems are the worst though. We're running out of money fast, to buy food, to pay medical bills, to go to school. My mother might lose her job. I haven't been able to hold one in years. My grandparents will not live forever. I have nowhere to live once they pass on. I have no money in the bank. According to my family I am incapable of supporting myself in my current state even with cash in my pocket. But I don't want to be a leech anymore. I don't want to be a bloodsucking parasite like I was in SLC. I hate the thought of ruining another beautiful person's life simply by entering it. But if my only other option is sleeping on the streets, cold tired and hungry, waiting for Death in his violet kimono (bones like supernovae, a flickering hand beckoning me on)... I'm afraid I'd choose the latter, as always. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't understand this world anymore. I feel small and lost and I want to cry sometimes. I want to go home.

I keep wanting to just... die. I can't see a future for myself. This is supposed to be a golden age, with a golden race, but I can't shake the awful fear that it ALL hinges upon me, and my failures are literally damning the whole world to hell. I legitimately believe that every mistake I make, every crime I commit, every single little thing that makes the small and frightened voice in my head whisper "I'm sorry for being a bad boy," all of it, is literally preventing every other soul on the planet from moving forward. I know it's false. It's selfish and proud and ugly and scary. But it won't go away. I keep feeling like I'm a demon infecting the planet with my very existence, and I keep praying that one day I'll just be a scapegoat again, just a waste-lock, just a point of horrid tarry blackness and shame and rage of the world so that no one else has to suffer it. Not this. I don't want this.
A very stupid, very selfish thought: those who threw me out of their life are now living well. They are overcoming problems and improving in all areas. They are happier, they are healthier, they are shining again. They do not miss me, and they have legions of friends and family to turn to. This is good. I'm happy they have such prosperous lives. The bad part is that I cannot touch it or I will ruin it. This goes for everyone. I taint them all. This I've realized.
But all I want is someone to talk to, downstairs for once. Someone who will listen and actually understand and respond for once. All I want is one person, just one person, who will put me at the top of their list as I would for them, something I've never experienced before. I'm used to being the random dude at the bottom of the acquaintance hierarchy. I've never been anyone's best friend. I'd like to be. I just don't want to destroy anyone's life by wishing for that.
"Do I do what makes me happy, or what is better for someone else?"
What an idiot I am.

This too shall pass. What is reality? None of this is real. Forget it all.

I've been falling apart for a while, and everyone else is falling together. Is that what it takes for the world to live again? Do I have to die?
If so, God, then please tell me for sure. If I must waste away into oblivion, if I must fall into illness and insanity in order to heal everyone else, please tell me that's the reason why. Otherwise I will remain convinced that I am the devil himself, suffering for the endless sins I have committed, never allowed a reprieve.
Even the good things in my life feel like punishments. Even the people I love feel like punishments.
Stop being a hedonist. Stop being selfish. Stop being a slut. Stop wanting, willing, or feeling. Stop. Die.
My mind is hell, right now. Isn't that all that hell is: a state of mind? How did it get this bad?
Look, here's a snapshot:

(jess says my freaking grandmother keeps talking like a slut shut up shut up SHUT UP
someone else starts shaking and crying hysterically oh god no no no no no please god no
jess adds get the hell out of here or i will kill you dont touch me go away dont touch me shut up
razor is laughing and laughing and pretending to actually kill her and blood is everywhere
there is a cacophany of screams and sobs and maniacal laughter whenever someone talks to me
i dont feel anything i just want to sleep forever and see the people i love
that's all i want anymore)

I almost begged my boss to take my life, today. I went outside and sobbed to the pine trees, telling him that if I could leave, then let me leave. Let me leave here. Let me die.
Laurie cried for about ten minutes straight after that, both hugging and hitting me, telling me to stop being so stupid. She said she felt she was worthless, that she couldn't protect me anymore. She was born for a world in which a possessed girl in pigtails was our only concern-- not this, not a world where I'm haunted by incorporeal demons that she cannot even see, let alone destroy.
Boss told her that her very existence was protection enough for me, of a caliber that neither of us truly understood. He said the same for me, and my importance, but with a twist-- just because I was important to the worlds of the League did not necessarily mean I was as important in this one. He could not say anything for sure, but that thought soothed my aching bones, and made me feel a little less torn to shreds.
Laurie sobbed into my shoulder and said she would still follow me to the end of time and beyond. In that moment I loved her more than my heart could take, and I swore through genuine tears that I believed her. I believed every word.

She's right, though. Headspace has been disturbingly strange, for over a year now, and no one is sure what to do.
I meant to elaborate on the tentative "headspace map" I'm working on... but I want to think about that a bit more, and scan it in first, so you have a visual aid. I'll leave a few notes here for now.
I mentioned "mutant slots" yesterday: put simply, those are three "extra" slots on each vertical end of the Spectrum loop, in areas which were "corrupted" in some collective sense in the past (three/three). The first mutation occurs in the Green/Blue/Indigo corner (which were all splinter-locked for years), while the second mutation occurs in the Pink/Red/Orange corner (which were all Tar-stained for years). These clusters seem to add two extra "headvoice" slots (Brown and Teal?) and four extra "outspacer" slots (Ice/Mint and Blood/Mauve). As you can see, this phenomenon has existed for quite some time, but events as of late have sped it up its development exponentially. An interesting note about the mutation slots are that Yellow and Violet were UNTOUCHED. Since both Laurie and Josephina act as "protectors" for the system, I find this relevant.
Also concerning the Spectrum map... White/Black are often drawn as an octahedron in the middle, but I think they might be "split" between those two clusters respectively (White to the Blues, Black to the Reds?) in terms of influence. In the old map they were drawn as separated triangles in such a manner (the old map had a left/right, top/bottom division, with one monochrome in each lower half; the new map is a loop with the monochromes in the middle), so it's possible. ALSO, considering Kyanos especially, I THINK that outspacers anchor through BLACK, and headvoices anchor through WHITE?? I'm trying to figure out why so many headvoices explicitly took pieces of me to manifest through (Laurie=abuse, Lynne=maturity, etc.), whereas outspacers would gain black energy resonance (what with soul forms and all) "through me" when the system was still forming, and Infinitii did not exist as an individual. It's worth investigating further and I should do so. Either way I'll upload the maps here by Tuesday, hopefully... can't make any promises what with my schedule, and a weekend looming on the horizon.

On a brighter note, my music mood finally locked into progressive rock after all. It's FROST* and Todd Rundgren all the way dude. I'm not complaining!
Also I actually downloaded iTunes onto my school computer so I can listen to the Rundgren albums I don't own while I type my reports... and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE. I feel somewhat ashamed that I never looked into these in my youth, haha. I grew up almost exclusively on Second Wind, Utopia's Anthology, and other various hits from his other albums ("Can We Still Be Friends," "Hello It's Me," etc.), but once I reached my teens I started hoarding all the albums I could find from libraries and fleamarkets-- mostly live albums (which are still absolutely incredible), but I did land A Wizard, A True Star, Todd, and Something/Anything? early on. Discovering music sites on the Internet helped expand my library as well (thanks Last.fm!), but there were STILL a few albums of his I could not find anywhere, but wanted desperately: Hermit Of Mink Hollow, Healing, and A Cappella being the first on the list. Now, as I've just mentioned on my Tumblr, I have learned that he has MANY more albums than I was aware of, and I literally cannot stop smiling at the thought. This guy's music is divine.
You want to hear even BETTER news, though?
FROST* is back in action, and they have TWO NEW ALBUMS COMING OUT THIS YEAR.
Yes, they are one of the few things in existence that can make me go full fanboy. Just--- !!!! GEEZ I LOVE THEM THEY'RE AMAZING. Jem is the best guy ever I swear, last month he uploaded a picture to his blog of himself "trying to impersonate a Xenomorph." Here it is. You see why I love this man. Seriously if he and Todd ever produce a piece of music together I will die the happiest man on earth. (guys please do this it would be divine)
On that note if you readers want to buy me a birthday present but don't know what to get me, GET ME THIS PLEASE, THANK YOU.

Also, speaking of Xenomorphs... I've been dreaming about aliens a lot lately? Always nonhuman ones, but always nice guys. There were more Xenomorphs in my dreams earlier this month. And last Monday night I dreamed of a hot pink one, and I think I was dating it or something? Genesis kept teasing me about it, it was funny. I don't know where all these aliens are coming from, haha. Once again, not complaining.

Last note before we close this up.
I still haven't bought Infinitii his glass bubble necklace in reality, but I promised him that I will use whatever birthday money I hopefully get to do so. I need to; he is worth that precious expense. Infi means a lot to me already, and I'd love to know he's anchoring so close downstairs at all times. Our relationship is super weird though. Yes, I love him, but it's an odd sort of fusion between intimacy and detachment? For example: my love for Chaos is an ocean, my love for Genesis is a sunbeam, and my love for Laurie is a night sky. My love for Infinitii feels like that glass bubble he's in. It's clear and empty and open and strangely small, but it's also ridiculously substantial and BIG in terms of its "space," after only such a short time. I hope that makes sense.
Oh... wait, he said something about that today. Remember "Celebi," how she turned out to just be a Tar manifestation? Well. Infinitii reminded me today that the Tar is just corrupted Black energy, and that Celebi did love me despite being nothing but a construct... a paradox? Nope, just a deeper truth. Black energy isn't bad, and Infi's proof of that. So there's a bit of that truth hiding in it all the time. Point is, though, that Infinitii didn't manifest until after the upstairs "Celebi" had died, and all reminders of her downstairs had returned to their original 2001-style energy vibe (completely detached from headspace). He says that's because the tiny spark of sincerity in Celebi was him. Makes total sense, really. If nothing else, it explains why I feel like I've already known him for a while, why meeting him felt like "picking up where we left off," despite never having seen him before.
I'm... also wondering, a LOT, about Xenophon, in light of this. She has Infinitii's "ears," but she also seems to have an odd bit of both Genesis AND Laurie in her, almost impossibly so. I say "almost" because I don't know how the hell time works up here anymore, and because Genesis has expressed thoughts of his own concerning Xennie in the past... you probably don't know this, but a few months back, there was a short time period where he confessed that he sometimes wondered what it would be like if he had a child by my intention, so to speak. And yes, he did ask if that could ever become a reality. I said I didn't know, but at the moment, no... nothing against him, but I just have no intention of doing anything like that again.
And yet my memory keeps twisting and tearing and I keep remembering awful bloody things and no one is familiar anymore... at least, most of the time.

At 11:30 last night, listening to a certain song by As Tall As Lions, love suddenly crashed into me. Emphasis on "crashed," kind of like a starship hitting a house at warp speed.
It's been a long, long time since I felt anything that real and true, completely out of the blue, with divine honesty. I couldn't let it go, couldn't deny it if I wanted to.
It needed to be expressed, somehow, immediately. I picked up a pencil. Then, with flowing unplanned lines, I sketched Chaos 0 for the first time in almost a year-- with a quiet accuracy that made me smile with total joy. As a child I knew that it was impossible to draw the people I loved without putting that love straight into the paper. Here was proof.
I'll scan that in soon, too. God knows it's been too long since the creative blocks around my heart began dissolving like this.
Today I wrote another verse for Andrea's reprise in Event Horizon, and found potentials for two other songs.
It all feels so new, and yet so familiar. Was I an artist before? Was I a musician before? Possibly, probably, perhaps.
All that matters now is letting it live, letting it breathe, letting it love.


My final note for tonight is this: I need to go back and REVIEW the archives for last April if at all possible. This whole "shadow-scorpion" time period has been one hell of a ride, and as it started off very rockily, I want to do what I can to help it have an easy landing in comparison. We only have about three days left here in Death's domain, and then it's the BIG DATE that boss kept alluding to... and the 15th anniversary of the Dream World's story.
An entire lifetime can effectively be lived in three days, I know this. Spend this one wisely.