prismaticbleed | august 2nd 2015 (Reply)

Jayce was out today. The REAL one. The one with light brown hair who is tied to the body and is fiercely aware of headspace but can't talk to it. The one who IS a boy and who wants to take care of his body without the abusive girls tearing it apart.
He was out this evening, sobbing and shouting in the wake of another abusive binge that made the body feel like it had the flu. We haven't been this sick in YEARS. And it's because these corrupt women keep poisoning us, over and over and over.
The programming can all be tracked back to the mother. But we can't hate her. We can only be strict, must recognize that she is toxic, and leave her environment. We must not let ourselves be corrupted by bitterness. We must just let go.
But Jayce was furious. And he was fiercely determined to fix this somehow.

I'm happy. Perhaps that's the wrong word. It's a grim and rocky but solid, determined happiness, one that sees the long road ahead but who knows that it's leading the right way for once.

Jay is already asking, "how can we bring more love into this situation?" Can we find people who can front entirely in the body, like Jayce, who are ruled by compassion? Can we find fronters who can TAKE CARE of the body, for once? Jayce will protect it, sure, and run by our rules… but he can't be as soft with it as I feel it might need. This body has been utterly wrecked over the years. We need a fronter who will handle it like Dalton handles a car. We need a fronter to recognize that this body is a temple, and treat it as such.
But those TERRIBLE GIRLS are tied to the body itself and that is the problem. All the non-Spectrum long-brown-haired girls are abusive and timelocked in dead timelines, WAY in the past. And they keep trying to DRAG US BACK THERE because someone told us that "WE HAVE TO BE 'NORMAL'" or "WHY CAN'T YOU BE WHO YOU WERE BEFORE" or some shit like that.
Well guess what. WE WON'T. WE WILL NEVER BE WHO YOU REMEMBER BECAUSE THAT WAS NOT US AND WILL NEVER BE US. WE REFUSE TO BECOME THAT SORT OF PERSON EVER. YOU WILL NOT FORCE US TO COPY YOUR HEARTLESS ABUSIVE NEGLECTFUL LIFESTYLE, EVER, EVER, EVER

Those girl mindsets are stuck solidly in 2010, 2009, or earlier. There are NO abusive alters of that sort past 2010. That says a lot.

Yesterday the ORIGINAL JEWEL was out for like an hour or two, outside, literally worldbuilding Dream World as effortlessly as she always used to back in 2001-2003. It was… it was incredible, really, feeling that after the fact. She exists and that is beautiful, that is glorious, thank God, we need her more than anything.
The Leagueworlds are our biggest lifeline, in every sense possible, so still having the first person they spoke to around is just the biggest blessing, really.

Also. We were wondering. Since Jayce cannot talk to headspace, but he is STILL in the Spectrum (there's a very specific feeling to that, as opposed to non-Spectrum socials)… is THIS what the true function of the Bears is??? Are they supposed to bridge THAT gap??
Seriously, they ALL originate as plushies, that’s the thing. We currently have three: Silverheart, Herald, and Garnet. We used to have a ton of Care Bears but they all sadly got sold. Nevertheless, Jayce was distraught and was saying that in order to stop these awful E.D. hackers, we would have to 1) NOT eat in the kitchen if at all possible (as that room is as toxic as the bathroom used to be as a child), and/or 2) "carry around something at all times" to keep JAYCE around when he was in dangerous areas like that. And the first thought was, "what if we carried one of the bears?" It could work. We will see.
Minty's really excited about this, haha. But she's being very wise about it. "We have to wait until the bears reveal themselves," she says. In other words, either you find them or they find you; you don't just jump in and start buying bears, they're "not objects or toys" as ironic as that might sound. "They're important and they have a reason to be here and a job to do," Minty says. "Just like us! And that's the point."

On that note Jay is still trying to get the "BLC bracelet" thing together, but the one shop we need to buy the last colors from has not responded to any of our messages. If only we knew where to buy these supplies on our own, we could cut out the middleman. We'll have to look. But that bracelet was the first idea of "carry around an inner-grounding item at all times." We haven't given up on it.
Also with Jay and colors and fronters. He was wondering just how colors would play into Spectrum-rooted Socials. Jayce is Brown, and all Spectrum Browns are body-based, that's the color's function really. But Browns can't do certain "physical life" jobs, notably the finer aspects of self-care. So Jay is using his innerlife intuition to "feel" just what colors can do what. He's making a list. So when this is all done, we'll have an idea of where to go with this process.

It's scary, having the body this sick. But we have hope. We can fix this, slowly but surely. We can be healthy again. We can stop self-abusing. We can act as WE are, we can be who WE are, instead of what someone else insisted we be.

A lot of our spiritual voices have been out lately. Jay holds that too, but in a different sense. Nevertheless it's helping a lot. The "prophet" feeling is back full-force, fully positively. The GOOD floating voices are back and we're learning to listen to them better. The toughest part is just overcoming the abusive programming, which tends to make us "black out" or go into apathy mode. We need to be tougher, we need to be more unflinchingly insistent, we cannot give those negative states ANY leeway at all. But we also need to stop feeling like we are "utter damned failures" for messing up even once. It's the fear that "if you miss that ONE chance, you screwed up forever, and will NEVER get a chance to be good again." That fear was unfortunately burned into our brain VERY strongly in 2012, with one specifically terrifying example memory. So it's yet another thing we need to gently but strongly fix. We will.

Some unknown social, from the same timelocked 2009-2010 period, laughed with tearful joy when Spine took over temporarily this evening, to get the body moving in the face of fear-based apathy. They felt a bit like Cannon, like those Jewel-bloodline people when things started to split, when headspace suddenly became the core of our life, when our old blind mask-wearing life died in a sudden burst of colors and sound.
It meant a lot. Feeling us, the sudden bloom of space and consciousness and life and love upstairs, even in the midst of what we were grappling with… that's what we need to remember, always. That's what we need to ACTIVELY LIVE AS.
It's been horrifically difficult lately, what with the vicegrip abusive habits we're facing. Those programs are springloaded guillotines and they are hellish to fight. Ironically… the key is, don't fight 'em. There's a quote about that, by the guy who did geodesic domes… Buckminster Fuller. “You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.” That's what this is.
He has another quote that feels relevant here. "When I am working on a problem, I never think about beauty but when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."
That guy in general was brilliant and very wise. We should read more about him sometime.

They wouldn't stop playing "Happy Birthday" at our parish picnic yesterday evening and we had no clue why. But it felt notable.
August in general is an odd month. It feels "empty" in the calendar, like a total transition month-- from the vagueness of summer to the life of autumn. September is our January, and August is the bridge. So it was interesting, to hear that song yesterday, and then for today to hold such a big shift in our way of living. It's about time, but still. Relevant.

11:11. Thank God. It's been so long since we saw that time. Thank you.
Help us live up to this. Help us to continue trying our best.
"We will," comes the response. I know.
Be patient with us, but be strict, and be compassionate, please.
A smile, again, "always."

There's still a lot we have to do tonight, and we really should get to sleep by midnight so this poor body can sleep at least 7 hours before work and therapy tomorrow.
We finished reading this entry in therapy and she seemed to have a LOT of questions so we'll see what tomorrow's session brings. If she doesn't have any pressing concerns we WILL bring up this current situation with the abusive programmed socials, as although we have total faith that we can manage this ourselves, it is always good to have some help and support.

Song of the night is this, see you kids tomorrow.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@2:30 AM

2:30 AM, august 3rd. "messenger of good."
talking to chaos 0 about prophet things; basically, if a prophet is a mouthpiece for god, then someone acting as good and honestly as they can should count as a prophet. this tumblr plague of "prophets who scream and cry blood and see demons" is really upsetting and very very toxic I think. but chaos said I was enough of a good messenger as I was, especially to him. not sure if the word "angel" was used but considering how often I toss that word at him, having it sent back towards me would be notable.
either way. when he said he thought that "prophets" were just as legit when they were bright and soft and loving, I felt this profound peace and reassurance.
I don’t think I should call myself a prophet. it feels wrong. that's not something you can choose.
but I will say, I want to try and live up to the same level of devotion as a prophet would.