the spectrum heart cathedral system

a day out on the town.

this was the SOUTHERN BREAKFAST MORNING. grits, eggs, bacon, the whole shebang. not something we'd usually eat; our typical eating lasses are severely disordered and probably would have freaked out.

HOWEVER, THE MAVERICK ATE IT
THAT WAS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD

he got this beautiful "travel" vibe from it, like this was the sort of thing you WOULD eat on the road here, at bed and breakfasts and such, diners, etc. travel food for that area. he ADORED it. ate it no problem at all.

gosh he hasnt been out in AGES but i am not surprised; he was the member of that trio that just lived rugged and serene on the road. he resonates AMBER, we think. miss him to death, glad he's back

bus trip, music

discovery place!
vortex gun
newspaper blower
floating balls
heart, all red and beautiful
brain, other heart
uv lights
rainforest bird room!!!
frogs in rainforest cases
big metal snake
crystal cave
drawers and jars of beautiful dead things
aquarium.
touching a horseshoe crab!
up the stairs and the curtain of dark with color

in town!
sat by fountain, water this gorgeous jade green. had my hand in the water. spray from fountain making a legit rainbow over the water. when we looked up at it, the rainbow began RIGHT at my hand. i cant explain what that made me feel like, but it was transcendent
talking about animorphs? musing about that era jewel (1998) basically being hardcore "kin" with aldrea, to the effect of "i dont know if i love her or want to be her" but it was a BIG TIME resonance. also said that i wouldnt be surprised if aximili became an outspacer one day. blue with green eyes anyway, haha, my weakness
talked about the z-space heart scene in #18, good lord. remember hiding in the attic to read that, circling all the instances of the word "heart" in pencil, terrified that someone would find me or see that in the book-- it was too sacrosanct and intimate. we did things like that a LOT as a child.

walking by churches, colored houses, ground-fountains (seriously wtf was that awesome thing), light from the brilliant sun making it all so memorable
there was one house that was almost kris's color scheme and it was great
pink house too!

picked a tiny rose in this gorgeous, gorgeous area somewhere in the city. gosh i dont even know what i'd call it, but the appearance is crystal clear in our mind. meant a lot to ollie; first date with mason or something? a milestone for them either way. immediately treasured it more because of that fact.
all these little pink wild roses, picked one for julie. she fronted to hold it, said something to ashen about it??? to motivate her, reassure her. "this is what pink should be like" or something
i think it was because the rose was a bit battered? faded. looked like ashen, a beaten up tired little thing. but it was still a rose, still beautiful, still had that dear scent. julie wanted to emphasize that. a little worn around the edges did nothing to diminish its true inherent beauty. i know for a fact she kissed it as loving proof

then in the park. beautifully beloved. so much green!

the roses in that little enclosed space. did he kiss me? i dont remember. everything was a dreamy lovely sunlit blur
(...there was one awful, terrifying, tar-black moment there, inside us, though. i don't know if i want to write it down. but it scared me to death, to feel something like that lurking as loud as a nuclear bomb despite all the love.)

the willow tree and trolley. felt like a cathedral, ribs/rafters of the branches over us. ground was all "loamy earth" and ollie said it smelled like trolley. really beautiful and humbling too, felt that huge significance. spine and wreckage both drawn to the reality of the cool soil beneath our fingers, too
took a photo of ollie in there. spontaneous affectionate decision. it's his profile picture on our phone now

sitting on the park bench and just being together and totally happy. watching people walk by with dogs (and one woman with two cats!), listening to ollie talk about them, totally fascinated and respectful of how much he knows or can logically assume about their health and such just by looking at them.

library box! woman came by and put all these bigass scifi books in there. kudos to you ma'am

those trees with the little white flowers! no idea what they are but they had huge Dream World vibes and we took photos. felt so incredibly happy and "at home" in that area, it was like heartspace manifested in the waking world

running up the stairs of the church with the missing/ boarded-up doors, where ollie performed with the pride marching band. definitely need to go in there one day. sitting on the steps and just talking.

dude sleeping on bench in front of the church, other dude pulls up in car and shouts something along the lines of "damn! gotta get me some of that!" a shock at first from the noise but then it was hilarious

sitting on the ground near an outside diner, where ollie had been to eat with that pride band years ago
eating a jimmy johns sub with KRISTANOVA
trusting us so much to tell us his origins
reminded us SO MUCH of our brutally violent nousfoni/outspacers-- razor, cannon, quicksilver, barry, nny, etc. many who have been missing for ages. but we empathized too much, although we could never understand his position completely, nor would we ever want to disrespect it.
but the trust was profoundly moving.
from that moment on I knew we'd be fiercely fond of him forever

noticed we were eating a vegan lettuce wrap (no bread) and he called it "rabbit food" which i personally found hilarious
said he likes meatball subs but ollie hates them, haha

jayce fronting, suddenly motivated to get a legit sub to challenge later? went back to jimmy johns and he ordered it himself, no fear as always
as we approached the crosswalk, exclaimed "damn it feels good to be a social"

laurie and kris walking to the bus stop
holding hands of all things as that's what ollie & jay do
"why the hell not" sort of decision, haha

huge trauma flashback crash at the bus stop
woman vomiting (RED of all ungodly colors), sirens, fire truck, etc.
felt like we were going to die
immediately mentally stuck in 2011, mother called the cops on us for a 302, handcuffed, pinned to the bathroom wall
also the time we were throwing up blood and were immediately numbly convinced that was it, we were dead
remembering the time we called the cops on our abusive brother and instead they thought WE were the culprit and pulled their guns on us, "hands up"
just bad bad memories. danger and suicide and terror and feeling like we were stuck forever in that damned pennsylvania bad place.
shaking, could not figure out how to pull ourself together, no one around to specifically handle THAT situation without crushing fear
then MONTAG shows up???????
IMMEDIATELY knew it was him, but, what the holy heck we had no idea he had outspacer roots wtf
resonating VERMILION too, of all things
but he handled it. dear lord. thank god for having d.i.d. honestly this is such a blessed curse and i adore it
so apparently we DO have someone who can handle emergency vehicle terror for us. man.

very very important talk with ollie and kris(?) about trauma and recovery and family stress right then. cant remember most of it as we were totally shaken but it helped IMMENSELY.

bus ride home. listening to more of ollie's ipod. shearwater. wept at a few of them, the sound was GORGEOUS

home, late.

 

1027.


- painted the lamps for dad at work. Got to wear a hat, looks pretty sweet with our short hair now. Thank god, because really short hair gives us BAD dysphoria (go figure) and the only people who can wear it safely are jayce and razor. Otherwise jezebel comes out.
virtually no headspace talk because they had a talk show radio on and we couldn’t concentrate on our own in the face of that.
- group hugs though. Me, waldorf, Javier, Josephina, Nathaniel.
- laurie was really distraught??

- afterwards, went to pick up laptop. Hard drive 85% corrupt??? Couldn’t save ANY files. But the laptop itself is okay. So he kept the hard drive, going to try again—which is vital, as I backed it up two weeks before it crashed and in that time I did a LOT of typing. Plus I cant remember the last time I backed up fl studio, which isn’t cool because I did do some work lately, but not much I think. What I REALLY lost is all the headspace updates that we didn’t upload (or read!!) in that time. Either way I would like to save that stuff.

- went to a local grocery liquidation store, pretty new. INCREDIBLE prices. Got a bunch of things to try that would have otherwise cost me a fortune at the health food store. Also organic curry powder for $3, heck yes.

- stopped at the amber bakery to get things for cel, as I did promise her that. No rum truffles today but there were green strawberry things! She said that was perfect so she got one.

we also got one of their huge fudge cupcake things as apparently someone likes those so why not.

- JAYCE ate when we got home?? Long time no see bro. Actually we didn’t even know he was out until Xenophon started ghosting and he really wasn’t responding to “dad.” She then asked the smart question of “are you with chaos zero” which, if yes, means that IS her dad but if no, means its NOT. And jayce said no! so after some talking he said he felt close to her but not as a parent, no way, and ultimately Xenophon settled on calling him “uncle jayce.” Which he likes.
he did express shame over the fact that we have an eating disorder, AND the fact that we cannot eat most “human foods.” There was talk about how the whole binge-eating and purging problem arose from the fact that we were often exposed to the outside sentiment that “families that eat together stay together,” and “cooking for someone is caring for someone,” and everything with orange energy stuff (eating + enjoyment + acceptance, etc.). basically, we were taught that “food equals community & acceptance,” and therefore if we could NOT eat the foods other people ate, or worse, if we had no desire to eat around other people at all (due to the invasive feeling,) then we were rejected. We were NOT part of the family, or community. We were rejecting “part of what makes you human,” this alleged ritual of bonding and closeness and comfort, and in doing so we were only asking to experience rejection and isolation and separation. Therefore, our depression got worse, as we then felt we could ONLY eat (something we still aren’t comfortable with but have to do) in total seclusion, hiding the “shameful act” from people, and also so we could actually focus on it, and not dissociate (as that causes even more abusive habits). But the loneliness and feelings of being a “monster” eat at you. And when someone catches you eating, the guilt is SO bad we often end up throwing up/out whatever we were trying to eat out of overwhelming shame and disgust. It’s a catastrophe.
anyway. Our addled brain decided somewhere down the line that “the only way I can participate in “normal eating” without getting horribly sick, is to taste it but NOT swallow it.” And yes that is the same chewing problem that the angry voices have (biting things to alleviate stress), and the abused ones (throwing up whatever is swallowed to purge the “invasive” feeling). Its awful how it ALL TIES TOGETHER. I’m just glad we’re seeing all the connections more clearly as time goes on.
but jayce was AWARE of all this—probably due to being both Brown and a body-aligned social (very rare)—and he told Xenophon it made him very sad, because he knew it worked, and yet it was so awkward and sad, he didn’t want to do it. He just couldn’t see another option. He was trying to justify himself to spice and chocoloco about this, and they were confused too, but still angry. Xenophon was trying hard to empathize with him, as she doesn’t understand that sort of history-based perspective, but she saw his pain and shame and didn’t want to make it worse by speaking out of ignorance or judgment (esp. things like “that’s weird,” “that’s gross,” etc. when the e.d. voices are only doing those “weird/gross” things as a skewed survival mechanism).

- “the ogre” was out for a few minutes again, xennie tried to talk to her. She’s built from the anchor “leena” originally had but “leena” was corrupted and collapsed. This is the same color/function root though.
tying into the previous paragraph, her function is to eat without shame, which (again) is actually VERY hard to accomplish, because we’re still trying to get over our “scavenger/ reject” habits of eating… plus dissociation + grief + carelessness means we aren’t the impeccable eaters we used to be. Its scary and heartbreaking how depression can turn you from someone who is a neat freak at all times, to someone who often cant work up the strength to even bathe or get dressed in the morning, let alone eat. Its so sad. But “the ogre” is trying to at least get us to a point where eating isn’t feeding the suffocating shame and guilt, because like it or not the body needs food, and we haven’t been giving it any lately—the few things we have eaten are compulsory abusive foods and only make us sicker. So she’s a strong, albeit unusual, effort to get past that first big hurdle and towards the path of healing. And I’m very thankful for that effort. She’s self-aware and kind enough to treat this WISELY too—as in, thinking “I wont hate myself for being “gross” if I’m really doing my best. But I will try to do better every day,”

- brothers went out to eat for their birthday, so we ran into the living room and played NIER!! For an hour, which was awesome. Ran through the junk heap a bit, but couldn’t do that boss mission yet so we went and wrote down everything we still needed for weapon upgrades (so much silver ore). We went to the fields for a bit, but couldn’t get many items in a short time so we ultimately wandered into the aerie… and accidentally did the whole second playthrough of that mission.
in light of recent solemnly synchronistic events, it was another punch to the gut.
(ELABORATE!!!! “you’re the real monsters,” “his instincts have taken hold”// “I killed them all,” “don’t look back,” etc.)
- also, shockingly, WE DON’T REMEMBER THE FIRST PLAYTHROUGH. I forgot that it happened during a dead timeline and although pinstripe identified VERY closely with nier, jay cannot vibe with the man’s stolid anger. Yes he can empathize with the burning drive to “get his daughter back” but he cannot empathize with nier’s sadness-crushing harshness, his unwillingness to be soft for anyone not close to him,
after that mission ends, nier is holding kaine while he waits for her to revive, and then he comforts emil by putting an arm around his shoulders. Jay resonated with that.
most notably, at one point during the mission, nier said “be careful emil” and jay said the SAME thing at the EXACT same time, not knowing there was any dialogue. That rang like a bell in its own way.

- Julie was hacked in the night. She was crushed because “I used to use this to hurt people, and now I’m just casually enduring it like it’s nothing??” awful parallel between how horrifying it initially was, and how we’re so burnt out and desperate for clarity now that we don’t feel a damn thing. But julie’s too aware of her past and her guilt.
she ALSO hit on something we ALL FORGOT for like two years. Infinitii is a daemon. All daemons WILL carry a vice, that CANNOT be scrubbed out of them as its their role to REFLECT IT as a learning/ forgiving/ transmuting process. And infinitii’s main vice was lust. Even though ze was born to heal sexual trauma, the very definition of hir being something whose function literally revolved around “sex” included that ze would have an affinity with it. And Infinitii has tried, has fought, has died, everything, but no matter what ze always ends up helpless to what is, to hir, an all-consuming desire to meld with people, to feel close to/ united with another living thing, which due to our history, ends up being translated as a trauma-mangled desire for “sex.”


(unfinished)

 

 

 

 

All right.
First of all, I am very very sorry for the apparent truckload of negative/ pained/ confused/ scared entries that have been appearing here lately.
As usual, I have not read them, but I should. I can't tonight; I have to get to sleep in literally 5 minutes or we're in trouble (we've been getting <5 hours for the past three days and the body is not happy about that).

We have a day off from work tomorrow so we plan to spend the morning PAINTING SHIRTS before therapy.
We're halfway done with our first set and we want to finish them so we can start the next. It'll be fun. It's a great coping method/ stress relief thing too.

The job is great, we adore it. Waldorf and Kyanos are the main people standing by in Central to chat about it, Jayce is the main fronter, Spine and Lynne stop by often, Laurie is always standing in the background somewhere.

We're saving up for a new iPod, because although we love Razia and he's the most loyal thing ever, he's landlocked so we haven't had new music on him since 2012.
I sleepily tried singing something to see if our new voice still matches me inside (as the host). It does. I'm elated.
In 2010 and later, our pitchshifted voice was higher and younger. It matched Pinstripe, Adakias, Cupid, you name them. But I have a lower voice than they do the way it is. And it's slowly pitchshifting in reality, too, so to speak. Which is lovely.

We did a "spell" tonight, something completely spur-of-the-moment but heartfelt. Someone used to do those before, I think Mulberry actually does. But I mean, the sort of childlike-honesty, unplanned but entirely sincere spells, like this. Someone has done these before.
Anyway, tried banishing all negative things/ Tar/ Plague/ etc. from Chaos' anchor plush. We're trying. We really are.
We've been thinking nonstop about this situation for about a week now. We've realized just how many fronters and alters we're dealing with here, as well as how many fractures CZ has.
We're also having to re-face some old stuff with another person, who's just as utterly confusing and vitally irreplacable. But we'll talk about that tomorrow, or Friday.

Death is still always in the back of our minds, just as violet as Laurie, just as unignorable, just as compassionate, just as sharp.
Life is a tricky thing but we're learning how to handle it better.

Right now (yes, this is Jay, if you couldn't tell), there's hope. Thank God, so to speak. Hope's been somewhat elusive as of late, and so have I, to be honest.
But, to reiterate what everyone always says in here... we're managing. We're still working on our life, still doing our best. And we are.


I'm sorry. I'm the most guilty of degenerating into platitudes if I'm not careful. I'm too optimistic, sometimes.
I'm doing well. I have to help everyone else do well now.
Have a good night. ♥

 

 

 

 

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for"-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as colored tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the colored candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data vocies? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

 

 

I found a few things on PTSD today that stood out very, very much to me.

PTSD-based infidelity—as well as pornography addiction— result when the PTSD sufferer no longer feels pure enough to keep being pure in his or her sexual actions... untreated PTSD diminishes the person’s ability to desire to remain unstained in the world.
Those offering a spiritual perspective would say that the PTSD sufferer is moving farther and farther away from acting in accordance with his or her highest self—which is, at its core, all about love. The emotionally healthy individual...wants to love and be loved, and won't elect to engage in actions that consistently extinguish love either within the self or significant others... the PTSD sufferer will continue to act in ways that are destructive to the... highest self.

The numbness is consistent with PTSD... Your capacity for feelings is still there, it is just suppressed for a while until you find a way to come to grips with the trauma memories... The promiscuity you report is also consistent with PTSD...Some others say that people do this sort of thing to punish themselves and create a sense of self-shame, because they feel responsible for causing the stuff they are avoiding...

The goal of the PTSD-Identity is to drive our loved ones and friends away, to ruin our relationships, and make us despise ourselves. This happens as we try... not to feel at all, by engaging in numbing experiences like drugs or alcohol. It usually works: we drive away our friends and family and then despise ourselves.


So all of this nonsense might be PTSD fallout, STILL. I keep denying the fact that I'm still struggling with healing, refusing to acknowledge that I could have been hurt in the first place, because "that means I'm weak and corrupt." But refusing to acknowledge that is just making me bleed more and more and more, and dissociate just as much.

Maybe I should tell my therapist about this outright. The DID aspect of it is making things far more difficult, but if I'm constantly abusing myself and chopping out huge segments of my memory, that's a concern.

I'm just so ashamed of it, of how awfully and often I harm myself, out of guilt and shame and terror and denial. Like that first quote said, I've felt like I've been tainted irreparably, and I no longer feel I have the right to be clean of that ever again. Like I'm beyond saving, beyond help. That's not true, but try convincing me of that on a bad day. The numbness makes me simply not care. And then I end up suicidal again. It sucks.

Not much else to say today. Memory is fuzzy and weird. There was a big headspace event this morning but since I am currently denying my own existence and therefore headspace as well-- thanks to wanting to deny the trauma that is tied TO headspace, isn't that a great Catch22-- I'm not going to think about it.

All I'll say (common courtesy) is that there are cisterns underground, all red candles and dark water, Razor knew her way through them but there were all these things in the water trying to drown us. Past that there is an entire corrupt-White labyrinth, all fluorescent lights and blankness, that is explicitly similar to the original abuse environment. We got lost there, I got stuck there overnight, I was too weak to warp out and didn't know where I was. Laurie and Razor had to find me this morning and I burned myself out warping back to U-Central, but I had no other choice. Infinitii isn't dead, he was down there in the corrupt-white areas too, but it took almost 2 days to get him back. When he did show up in U-C this morning he was horrifically sick; he was coughing (choking?) up HUGE amounts of thick white-colored energy, it was alive apparently, got all these eyes and legs after and ran away. After he got it all out the sphere in his abdomen was EMPTY for the first time since his manifestation, so he TORE IT OUT as he said it was "actively manipulating his energy field" due to its placement in regards to mine (how we all missed the negative significance of this I'll never know). At the end of the morning Infi was also tearing out all this Tar from my ribcage (he's been doing that since April and it won't stay gone) and that whole thing was like I was possessed, I lost all first-person awareness for several minutes, couldn't get it back after that. As a result of not having ANY IDEA who I was in order to ground, "I" shattered to the point where I honestly don't know who I am as a person anymore, no surprise.
Lastly there is a white-colored entity like the Tar, it attacked us at one point last night, it was all crystallized and was pretending it was Infinitii. It was very difficult to avoid because it's not chaotic like the Tar is, it's calculated and scarily direct. Similarly, instead of being actively harmful it is insidiously so, also tied to the "passive suicide" whereas the Tar is the active sort. It's all stupid dichotomy, how did those two slots get corrupted, how do we FIX THIS, nobody knows.

I entered therapy in "fragment mode," a splinter of mine, but thank God I slipped out a few minutes in. After that Jewel, Sherlock, Javier, and Jayce handled the session, Knife kept wanting to get through but didn't know how to talk so that didn't pan out. Laurie and Mulberry were also right behind him, ready to jump in at a moment's notice if need be. Oh and Knife made Jayce give the therapist the papers he and the other Undergrounders wrote yesterday, so we'll see what comes from that.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm sick and tired, I want to sleep. I don't want to be sad and numb anymore but I can't figure out how NOT to be without literally ignoring everything in my life up to this point.
Maybe I'll make Jewel man the house for a while, she has some really cool ideas about her role with us, I THINK SHE'S SURPASSED THE ARTIST DIVISION so that means she might be able to work with headspace AND the Leagueworlds WITHOUT any problems, if so that would be the biggest blessing ever, I'm so thankful.
Also she's a "personal" fronter, she can't really front in public-- but Jayce is REALLY good at public fronting, which is surprising, but makes sense as he's the reflection. Javier is still struggling with fronting as he is literally brand new in terms of manifestation, so he needs to anchor and stabilize more before he'll be able to stay out for extended periods of time.
In any case, even though my identity is in shambles, there are people who can take care of the body in my absence. Problem is there are a lot of bad things that get through too.

Sorry, I'm going in circles. I still don't know who I am, not as an individual, and ironically I don't want to be one. In any case talking isn't helping anyone, so good night.