oct 27 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

1027.


- painted the lamps for dad at work. Got to wear a hat, looks pretty sweet with our short hair now. Thank god, because really short hair gives us BAD dysphoria (go figure) and the only people who can wear it safely are jayce and razor. Otherwise jezebel comes out.
virtually no headspace talk because they had a talk show radio on and we couldn’t concentrate on our own in the face of that.
- group hugs though. Me, waldorf, Javier, Josephina, Nathaniel.
- laurie was really distraught??

- afterwards, went to pick up laptop. Hard drive 85% corrupt??? Couldn’t save ANY files. But the laptop itself is okay. So he kept the hard drive, going to try again—which is vital, as I backed it up two weeks before it crashed and in that time I did a LOT of typing. Plus I cant remember the last time I backed up fl studio, which isn’t cool because I did do some work lately, but not much I think. What I REALLY lost is all the headspace updates that we didn’t upload (or read!!) in that time. Either way I would like to save that stuff.

- went to a local grocery liquidation store, pretty new. INCREDIBLE prices. Got a bunch of things to try that would have otherwise cost me a fortune at the health food store. Also organic curry powder for $3, heck yes.

- stopped at the amber bakery to get things for cel, as I did promise her that. No rum truffles today but there were green strawberry things! She said that was perfect so she got one.

we also got one of their huge fudge cupcake things as apparently someone likes those so why not.

- JAYCE ate when we got home?? Long time no see bro. Actually we didn’t even know he was out until Xenophon started ghosting and he really wasn’t responding to “dad.” She then asked the smart question of “are you with chaos zero” which, if yes, means that IS her dad but if no, means its NOT. And jayce said no! so after some talking he said he felt close to her but not as a parent, no way, and ultimately Xenophon settled on calling him “uncle jayce.” Which he likes.
he did express shame over the fact that we have an eating disorder, AND the fact that we cannot eat most “human foods.” There was talk about how the whole binge-eating and purging problem arose from the fact that we were often exposed to the outside sentiment that “families that eat together stay together,” and “cooking for someone is caring for someone,” and everything with orange energy stuff (eating + enjoyment + acceptance, etc.). basically, we were taught that “food equals community & acceptance,” and therefore if we could NOT eat the foods other people ate, or worse, if we had no desire to eat around other people at all (due to the invasive feeling,) then we were rejected. We were NOT part of the family, or community. We were rejecting “part of what makes you human,” this alleged ritual of bonding and closeness and comfort, and in doing so we were only asking to experience rejection and isolation and separation. Therefore, our depression got worse, as we then felt we could ONLY eat (something we still aren’t comfortable with but have to do) in total seclusion, hiding the “shameful act” from people, and also so we could actually focus on it, and not dissociate (as that causes even more abusive habits). But the loneliness and feelings of being a “monster” eat at you. And when someone catches you eating, the guilt is SO bad we often end up throwing up/out whatever we were trying to eat out of overwhelming shame and disgust. It’s a catastrophe.
anyway. Our addled brain decided somewhere down the line that “the only way I can participate in “normal eating” without getting horribly sick, is to taste it but NOT swallow it.” And yes that is the same chewing problem that the angry voices have (biting things to alleviate stress), and the abused ones (throwing up whatever is swallowed to purge the “invasive” feeling). Its awful how it ALL TIES TOGETHER. I’m just glad we’re seeing all the connections more clearly as time goes on.
but jayce was AWARE of all this—probably due to being both Brown and a body-aligned social (very rare)—and he told Xenophon it made him very sad, because he knew it worked, and yet it was so awkward and sad, he didn’t want to do it. He just couldn’t see another option. He was trying to justify himself to spice and chocoloco about this, and they were confused too, but still angry. Xenophon was trying hard to empathize with him, as she doesn’t understand that sort of history-based perspective, but she saw his pain and shame and didn’t want to make it worse by speaking out of ignorance or judgment (esp. things like “that’s weird,” “that’s gross,” etc. when the e.d. voices are only doing those “weird/gross” things as a skewed survival mechanism).

- “the ogre” was out for a few minutes again, xennie tried to talk to her. She’s built from the anchor “leena” originally had but “leena” was corrupted and collapsed. This is the same color/function root though.
tying into the previous paragraph, her function is to eat without shame, which (again) is actually VERY hard to accomplish, because we’re still trying to get over our “scavenger/ reject” habits of eating… plus dissociation + grief + carelessness means we aren’t the impeccable eaters we used to be. Its scary and heartbreaking how depression can turn you from someone who is a neat freak at all times, to someone who often cant work up the strength to even bathe or get dressed in the morning, let alone eat. Its so sad. But “the ogre” is trying to at least get us to a point where eating isn’t feeding the suffocating shame and guilt, because like it or not the body needs food, and we haven’t been giving it any lately—the few things we have eaten are compulsory abusive foods and only make us sicker. So she’s a strong, albeit unusual, effort to get past that first big hurdle and towards the path of healing. And I’m very thankful for that effort. She’s self-aware and kind enough to treat this WISELY too—as in, thinking “I wont hate myself for being “gross” if I’m really doing my best. But I will try to do better every day,”

- brothers went out to eat for their birthday, so we ran into the living room and played NIER!! For an hour, which was awesome. Ran through the junk heap a bit, but couldn’t do that boss mission yet so we went and wrote down everything we still needed for weapon upgrades (so much silver ore). We went to the fields for a bit, but couldn’t get many items in a short time so we ultimately wandered into the aerie… and accidentally did the whole second playthrough of that mission.
in light of recent solemnly synchronistic events, it was another punch to the gut.
(ELABORATE!!!! “you’re the real monsters,” “his instincts have taken hold”// “I killed them all,” “don’t look back,” etc.)
- also, shockingly, WE DON’T REMEMBER THE FIRST PLAYTHROUGH. I forgot that it happened during a dead timeline and although pinstripe identified VERY closely with nier, jay cannot vibe with the man’s stolid anger. Yes he can empathize with the burning drive to “get his daughter back” but he cannot empathize with nier’s sadness-crushing harshness, his unwillingness to be soft for anyone not close to him,
after that mission ends, nier is holding kaine while he waits for her to revive, and then he comforts emil by putting an arm around his shoulders. Jay resonated with that.
most notably, at one point during the mission, nier said “be careful emil” and jay said the SAME thing at the EXACT same time, not knowing there was any dialogue. That rang like a bell in its own way.

- Julie was hacked in the night. She was crushed because “I used to use this to hurt people, and now I’m just casually enduring it like it’s nothing??” awful parallel between how horrifying it initially was, and how we’re so burnt out and desperate for clarity now that we don’t feel a damn thing. But julie’s too aware of her past and her guilt.
she ALSO hit on something we ALL FORGOT for like two years. Infinitii is a daemon. All daemons WILL carry a vice, that CANNOT be scrubbed out of them as its their role to REFLECT IT as a learning/ forgiving/ transmuting process. And infinitii’s main vice was lust. Even though ze was born to heal sexual trauma, the very definition of hir being something whose function literally revolved around “sex” included that ze would have an affinity with it. And Infinitii has tried, has fought, has died, everything, but no matter what ze always ends up helpless to what is, to hir, an all-consuming desire to meld with people, to feel close to/ united with another living thing, which due to our history, ends up being translated as a trauma-mangled desire for “sex.”


(unfinished)