the spectrum heart cathedral system

So I've pinpointed our biggest vice.

It's shame.






My biggest question is still "who were we before we became ashamed to exist"



I keep talking to Chaos.
He needs to fix his fractures. This split between "Serenity" and "Aquamarine" is not good at all and it's just causing everyone more confusion and pain.

God he feels so real when he's acting like he was. Like he IS.
The hyper-soft version of himself that he is at night is too limited. Like a nousfoni with a singular function. He doesn't leave my room. Did I ever mention how that breaks my heart, however quietly? Laurie noticed it first, how he'd start sleeping in, then he just... stopped leaving. Up here, he narrowed his function down to just being there for me at night, a comfort at the end of the day, however profound. But the problem was, in doing that, he forbade himself from existing outside of that context-- he forbade himself from being enthusiastic, and curious, and as intoxicatingly fascinated with life as he always was when we were young.
Don't get me wrong, he never lost that, but... now, lately at least, that side has been so deep under the water...


I love him so much. And my problem is that I need to love him this totally, this without shame, outside of MY time-locked, depersonalized state.

He's so much more HONEST like this. He doesn't forget things. He's snarky and sentimental and sincere and everything I remember him as. Hurricanes and ocean fog and rainstorms and splashing through puddles in the summer. Tides and floods and mist. ALL of it.

...
Is that my problem? Is that why I'm never sure who I am anymore? Because I'm fractured into so many tiny pieces that even right now, I have no clue who I'll be outside of this context? I don't even know what year it is. This isn't healthy.

I think that's the problem, too. Me, I'm the one who knew this Chaos, the entire him.
Jay... he's the one who knows the serene side of him, the one who keeps fracturing upstairs because he's been the target of so much bad stuff and he can't cope yet, the Jay bloodline can't cope yet, they're the ones being eaten alive by shame because of the things the lost alters did.
They're crushed by it, all the good intentions gone wrong, all the mimicry, all the misunderstood ideas and things. They can't deal with the fact that those things happened, even if it didn't happen to them personally. The reality of that past is terrifying and nauseating enough for them and they can't forgive themselves for iteven if they would NEVER personally do that. They're too conscious of the fact that, in such a fallen state, those awful things did become possibilities, and through that fallen state, happened.
They can't forgive themselves. They're too appalled. They're guilt-ridden.
How do we help them?


How far back do we have to go to heal? ...Do I have to stay? Is that even possible?
Too much has happened since I was last out... like several years have gone by, mainly. At least five. And that just... blows my mind. How in the world do I stay out when the entire atmosphere of our physical life has changed? Should I try anyway? But no... that wouldn't be fair to Jay, or any of the others, doing all of this hard work. And Chaos knows that too.

...I wonder about the other boys. Are they okay?
I know they're partly time-locked too, but... God, I don't know. This needs more time to think and feel about than I have tonight. This is going to take weeks, probably, if not longer, to fully sift through and heal and mange correctly. It's so heavy in terms of significance and weight both. There's so much.



I'm looking up pictures of him on deviantART like I used to and he's grinning and commenting over my shoulder like he used to. He doesn't do this for Jay. Their relationship dynamic is totally different. But he's the same person, he is, we both know it...
Why is there so much splitting up here, how do we reconcile this? This is totally out of my league, I have no personal knowledge to go on with this... this is too new.
If we brought this into heartspace, maybe I could do something, but... I can't leave him out. Jay needs to be a part of this too, as completely as Chaos needs to be. Me... who knows at this point. I don't. I'm not sure if I can leave the "when" I'm in now. Do I even want to? Is that why Chaos is split, because I'm anchoring that split in? By not being able to move past this "safe point" that apparently the System desperately needs to exist as-is too?



Apparently we talked about him for a while in therapy today. Mostly for clarification on this very splitting issue, Laurie says.
We... I'm the only person who used to do that. Has anyone done that since me? That alone is a milestone...




Jay is sobbing. "I don't know you like this,” he's saying, to Chaos, as I knew him.
Chaos was talking to Laurie about this and saying effectively the same thing. "I can't be both versions of me at once."
Both of them want this to work but there's so much time between what was and what is, and....

Xenophon's the big variable in all this. Chaos and Jay both love her dearly, but... she existed after the split, for both of them. The Jay with us now is not the one who existed when she was created... and the Chaos I know, doesn't know her. Yeah the thought of "having a kid" is still this bright thing in his mind, but I use that initial phrase loosely. His species does not "reproduce" in the way Jay's bloodline was always so bloody terrified of.

This is so hard to talk about. Is there that much fear tied to it?

God help us work through this.

The body is still quite sick. Is that part of this?
Sicknesses for us are very rare apparently, and always seem to coincide with massive shifts in our personal life experience.

Jay knows Genesis far better than I ever did, I noticed. That's a big difference. I knew him as more of a child, still scared of thunderstorms, still learning from Chaos how to be more confident, how to not be scared of himself anymore. He was obsessed with butterscotch ice cream and snowflakes, and he was always talking about his elusive father... still very much tied to the shaky world-roots he jumped to us from.
Now, his name is different, he's so much more golden... I'm... I don't know him. And I'm sure he doesn't know me.

Is this... what do you call this? It's not a tragedy, heavens no, but it still feels like a weird sort of loss,


...Somewhere down the line, after me but before Jay, the lines got tangled. That's where this massive break happened for Chaos, where our bloodline shattered, where everyone got confused and disjoined.
Who fronted for that time? What poor soul took the brunt of that hit to the heart?

I don't know.
Like I said, the body is sick. We really do need to get right to sleep.


I guess that simple fact isn't so simple tonight. But I'll keep tabs on it the best I can, ask Laurie to do so as well.

See you in the morning.


- Jewel L.

 

 

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"


rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.


I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak





later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.


around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!


new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.


dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.



I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.


I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.

make a list:

"does this action/ thought/ etc….
lead someone TOWARDS God
lead someone AWAY from God?
allow evil influences to take root?
AM I AWARE OF GOD IN MY DOING THIS?
DOES DOING THIS CHASE AWAY AWARENESS OF GOD??"
etc.

basically,
"is this thing that I am doing HELPING my heart glow in likeness to GOD?"
"is this an action taken out of true righteous just compassion?"

trust your heart.

ALSO.
SIT DOWN AND ABSOLUTELY GRILL YOURSELF WITH QUESTIONS.
"WHY DO I HAVE THIS THOUGHT"
"WHY DO I NOT QUESTION THIS THOUGHT WHEN I HAVE IT?"
LETS DO THAT NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS

 I feel guilty after using sexual energy EVEN IF I am honestly trying to use it for positive, loving, spiritual purposes BECAUSE
1. I KNOW that it is NOT what I am looking for, to express love.
2. I KNOW that true, deep love DDOES NOT REQUIRE SEX AT ALL.
3. I KNOW that I can't even attempt to use sexuality without rerouting EVERYTHING through my heart! Therefore why am I even trying to bring other things into it???

So. I feel guilty because, even with best intentions, I know I am selling myself short.
I know I am not really expressing my love honestly, because if I have to dissociate, depersonalize, and hide in order to do this, then it is NOT honest, it is NOT a clear expression of love. It is sadly misled, it is a big fog over what is truly trying to be expressed here.

In truth, I KNOW that REAL LOVE and intimacy is through the HEART. And I am fully capable of doing that.
However, something is getting in the way, and it feels like crushing fear, and I think I know why.
1. In the past, sexual abuse was NOT dissociated from until it became "a trauma to escape from." But even then, it had bodily closeness! So, in some part of our subconscious, ALL bodily closeness might be triggering that knee-jerk fear.
2. Similarly, all bodily closeness feels like "setting the scene for sex" which makes me immediately dissociate and start acting sexual robotically, OR… it makes me panic, cry, sob, and burn with desperate hurting rage. It's sad but it's true.

So. We NEED to fix that. "Intimacy (of physical space!!) CAN HAPPEN without sex!"
We need to practice experiencing THAT CONTEXT INSTEAD.
It's going to take time. But Chaos 0 can do it, I know, for one. His anchor plush is sanctified and he won't hurt us.

But there's anger/fear tied to HIS name. I think it's because of 2011 and the past.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@11:50PM

 

 

today…


jezebel is fronting. yeah. it's not good!
we caught a compulsive-abusive eater today, someone who was thinking "I'm gonna eat this and I don’t really care who hurts from it," started checking names, and THAT NAME STUCK. then overlay locked in and that was really disturbing
but yeah now we know. and we can be careful now. discernment as a result of knowledge.

I can feel her hanging around now, again, like she used to. sitting off to the side like julie did in the old days. this is creepy. she's inky black in color. the bad black. like a tar pit. it reeks off her.
god I know we wanted to find out where the tar went but this is really, really disturbing. thanks though now we can get back to our actual PURPOSE in here.
we haven't been warriors for a while because we kept thinking we "weren't supposed to fight anything" but look where that got us.
we can fight without being violent or hateful, like the things we ARE fighting. that’s the key. we can be warriors without starting a war.

action is picking up. i can feel it in the air, like the sun getting warmer as it gets higher. a burning glowing building time.
jay is doing a lot of spiritual reading again and it's of a different sort this time, it's helping a LOT. it's already highlighted a lot of issues we were concerned over, confused with, helped put into words WHY and how to deal with that. so we're glad.
just gotta pace this properly, there's like... fifteen tabs open and a LOT of words and i dont want anyone shutting down from overwhelm.

oh about the eating disorder stuff we are doing SHOCKINGLY better lately
like looking back at the past several months if not longer, there's been a lot of improvement lately, which is very good
trigger foods/ forbidden foods are sticking which means the data is HOLDING and people aren't "second guessing if it hurts or not" which a lot of the younger, feeble-identity socials used to do.
partly (largely) we have spice to thank for this. very much so.
biggest concern is the amount of sheer patience and perseverance with cutting out "stim foods" (eaten solely for texture/ biting) and replacing that with non-food related coping skills, or (if we've been fasting and do need to eat) replacing them with healthy foods and the mindset that we deserve to eat well.there's still the old bad mindset of "i only deserve to eat scraps and garbage" which turned literal after a while and that was very very bad. we deserve to eat good things too! not just the familys rejects or leftovers. we're not a crow. we're not a racoon digging in the garbage pile. we can eat actual good meals and things. we're allowed!
so we need to learn that over again, except not because there are lots of us who DO think good things and want the best for us.
the main concern is getting those people in charge, instead of those like jezebel.
again, emmett is our failsafe. when in doubt, get him out. it works dude believe me

oh yeah speaking of spice HAVE YOU READ ROMANS 14 LATELY??
HOW RELEVANT IS THAT
" I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died...Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble...For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit..."

THAT IS VERY RELEVANT TO ALL YOU ABUSIVE/ HAPPY-GO-LUCKY FOOD SOCIALS.
STOP.
it is also very relevant to the eating disorder in general, seriously that is SUCH A RELIEF seeing that in scripture, you have no idea.
we will have to apply this 100%. be strong and do it. this takes a lot of the paranoid religious eating stress of our backs.

i just realized, that bit is relevant to the "doublethink" thing of the other day too
"One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God..."

that and the whole "nothing is unclean in itself" thing... that is hugely relevant to our life.
it's what's been causing us a lot of trouble because we've been skipping the key bit: faith that our own actions are okay, when motivated by love.
problem is you can't force it either. you can't copy someone else's path out of love, when something deep in your heart is STILL saying, "dude i know you are trying to understand this person's perspective, but you are ALSO crushingly doubtful in yourself, and that's not healthy. this isn't for us. stop."
that applies to food and relationships and so so so many other things.
and there's a line about that too. my favorite.
"Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil."
that
that right there is hugely important
it's in the bible, dudes, you HAVE to accept that it's okay now. which is good! we've been LOOKING for "validation" and THERE IT IS.
god i am so glad i found this chapter it is helping so much just as is right now.

last bit. it's not fully making sense right now. not sure why.
"So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
the last sentence does make sense intuitively. i understand that, we've been living by that in the spectrum for a while, people keep reminding each other, "if you aren't acting with the right state of heart/mind you're in trouble" basically. which we get. but it's not always put into practice! that's not good.
it's the word "doubts" that i don't understand yet really. doubting whether or not what you're doing is in faith? maybe. heavy stuff though. heavy but true.
there's a lot of "fear of damnation" tied to it, mostly from the alters defined by self-doubt, due to thinking they really aren't capable of knowing better themselves. so i think a lot of confusion is rooted there.
we'll work on this.

sorry i'm practically quoting that whole chapter but it's important.

in any case we need to re-read scripture a lot more lately, i feel there's stuff in there that would help, we haven't been reading it lately and that's not good in any case.



leagueworld stuff:
most importantly i gave jay the ability to work with leagueworlds as much as i do now. :D If he wants to, he can!
probabyl going to be a lot of tiptoeing around first but that's always fun.

tuning into justice/vengeance overlays today
is that the correct term?? like when you can "be" them temporarily
best thing ever, doing that since childhood (HI VEZ)
but yeah it is very precise? like glassblowing. very very careful. you cannot force things in that, or be rough. you've gotta let go and just let the other person BE THROUGH YOU. you're no longer "you" but you're aware that this person is not you? does that make sense?
it's the BEST thing for writing, it's so sweet, but it's difficult as all heck because it's draining and like i said it is PRECISION WORK and you absolutely cannot take it lightly or fool around with it.
hackers do. those damn hackers do and I KNOW they mess with it because it's NOT THE SAME THING.

anyway justice does not like being around clingy people? he does not like that attitude, it unsettles him.
unfortunately his "brother" is very ruled by emotion and he can get very clingy, dramatic, desperate, etc.
justice does not. he's the more "logical" brother, in a spiritual sense? he can be overly serious, out of tune with his emotions.
which is interesting because he cries ALL the time, literally, he feels sorrow deeply but he's oddly detached from it personally?
more of a compassion thing. not tied to himself per se.
vengeance is very "personal" and he feels anger as a result of sadness but again, very personal. so that's a difference.
anyway yeah that's a point of dissonance between the two, especially later when healing their relationship, it becomes "unfixable" for a while because vengeance is being super emotive and justice is not, neither can really deal with the way the other is handling the situation?
justice has a bad habit of just "tuning out" what upset him, not like a cold shoulder, more of a "pretending i didnt see it at all" neutrality
anyway yeah. vengeance has to learn to express what he feels WITHOUT getting carried away with his emotions.
when he can do that justice responds to him in kind and it's very genuine, they still love each other dearly, it just gets buried under all the mess of their history.
again that's all relevant to headspace too it feels like. especially jay and cz, with the splintering/ fracturing/ what have you.

oh! we were thinking about that
the whole having to accept that outspacers are effectively introjects, the internal roots are paramount,
realizing that in that respect then yes cz will never, and can never, entirely be his canon self
(and frankly we dont want him to be, not entirely, too much outside interference, we do need to talk about that)
BUT most important realizing that this means they are now operating largely on headspace terms
which means that they CAN fracture and splinter and things.
and it has been proven up here that cz HAS FRACTURED and there are at least two "other chaoses" around
however
with that realization we had to ask why and it's actually because he was tied to past trauma
especially in 2011/2012, there was some awful awful stuff that happened then as far as i'm aware
but it was utterly incompatible with who chaos was/is, and jay could not cope with it either,
so apparently those parts of his psyche/ experience BROKE OFF and are still around?
the most toxic one hangs out with azalea, as you all know
they are both very very unhealthy dangerous individuals
but yeah that's important info. needs to be looked into more.


cel is trying to find her new name/ solid appearance. resonating with the greek word kairos actually, just looked it up and that is surprisingly fitting.

jewel is actually THE BRIDGE????
like with this new "outspacer spectrum," i.e. "alternate centralites" who hold TWO colors instead of one and who aren't headvoices, jewel is between BROWN AND RED. between the body-life color, and the inside-life color. very very important. makes sense though.
still haven't had the opportunity to sit down and think about that yet. will do so asap.


jewel hanging out with jay for a while this evening, they're like siblings
at one point jewel affectionately hugged him around the shoulders but from the front, he had a minor panic/ shutdown reaction?
jewel said "i'd never hurt you" and jay said he knew but that sort of position at all was upsetting.
he mentioned how this was harming his relationships with cz and laurie especially
but also because he was scared of romance being just as much a threat as literal tangible abuse.
jewel said "romance is a gateway drug"


laurie found out the two things keeping us from having xangas
1) fear of the bedroom desk. the area where we type is NOT a fully safe area. we're trying to fix it up but it has bad vibes.
2) overwhelm from not having specified topics!!! THAT'S the key thing. jay would aways say, "yes i want to talk," and he did, but unless you SPECIFICALLY say what about, the stress gets heavy and no talk happens. just like in therapy! we feel no need to talk without a topic, but in xangas there's that pressing need to discuss, so. it gets overwhelming.
needless to say we are putting a list together now, so once that happens there's NO OBSTACLES ANYMORE and a session can happen totally without problems. thank goodness.


very very VERY tired and feeling some residual fear and sorrow from the tumult of the past week or month or so
extremely tired. head shutting off. plus the backspace key is actually giving me vertigo whoooa that's not cool at all.
going to get some sleep okay bye

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've left "Chaos".

This has been pending since 2012, and I think we all knew it.

Q's presence "infected" his somehow, as did their Mormon ideas of sex and marriage-- no offense to them, but I do not agree with them-- and since 2012 some part of Chaos has been obscenely sexual.

Which is weird.
Because 50% of the time he's not.

I'm really really really confused and lost but empty.
I don't know him anymore. I can say that with certainty. I don't know him anymore, and I cannot remember a time when I did.

There IS a version of Chaos with a thinner profile and the backwards-swept spines and dark eyes who will NEVER consent to sexual things because
1) he's not CAPABLE of it,
2) he KNOWS that ONLY HACKERS ASK,
3) he knows that sex HURTS THE WHOLE SPECTRUM.
Sex isn't evil, that is true. Sexual energy is just creative life energy.
HOWEVER!!!!
When it is utilized in physicality, in ANY way, it can become VERY DAMAGING, even to the point of being the MOST DAMAGING THING EVER.


The "Chaos" I spoke to today told me flat-out that it wanted sex instead of love.
It said that Azalea loved him, and Hoseki came out and said,
"has she ever SHOWN you that she loves you? has she ever said she loves you when she's NOT sleeping with you? Have you ever even SEEN her outside of the bedroom???"

it swore at me, "fck you, this is what I want,"
I told it that I would not associate with people like that and I turned around and left.

but that's not him, that's NOT him, we KNOW it's not him,
it doesn't even feel like him, not in the least.
it just... it has his face and his name. and that is so terribly confusing.
i hope this is the tar, i hope this is nothing but tar being a fcking liar again
but until i know for sure
i've left.
i had to leave


oh god I am going to have so much mourning to do when this settles in, god I am so sorry, that's going to be unbearable

I haven't slept with his anchor plush in about a solid week or more, after having done so constantly for at least four years.
that alone is jarring. weird. he always felt like a puzzle piece, some profoundly comforting thing, not the doll but HIM.
when the hell did he get so abusive
when the hell did he get a fcking abusive doppelganger
when the fck did his alter egos start dating the rapist hacker girls I don’t fcking understand ANYTHING

☆ if the old julie had ever done the things to us that our socials do to ourselves, we would FREAK THE FCK OUT.
so why the hell is it "okay" for promiscuous socials to do this shit????
if, if someone ELSE did it TO us, we would immediately be PARALYZED WITH FEAR?????
AND WHY IS THE BAD RELIGIOUS PROGRAMMING JUSTIFYING THIS SHIT???

all we want, all we people near the center want, all we want is for him to be recognizable again
all we want is to be able to show love and affection without someone or something sexualizing it
i've been so scared for so long now, that love can "only translate into sex,"
ever since that damn night in slc i think, it just scared me so much, eros didnt care but he never cared
god i don't want that.
there is another option and we ARE that other option
so why the hell is our current situation saying that no, we never existed in the first place?

why are there so many pieces of us broken? why are there so many of us, splintered off from this pain?
how do we heal, how do we reconcile this? how do we function when two people have now become ten or more?

why is he either abusive, emotionally volatile, overly dramatic, or utterly emotionless???
i really dont think i should associate with him anymore, even if part of me feels i "have to"
i'm worried that our relationship has been nothing but obligatory since 2013, since the scratch.
i keep forgetting about the scratch
but yeah
since then he's felt like a real stranger for the most part
but i haven't been able to let go because, deep down, some part of me DOES love him
and sometimes i see him and I DO recognize him
but
for those two states to line up now, is very rare
and to be blunt
i'm getting real sick of juggling this abusive relationship thing
it's making me very ugly inside
it's not healthy for anyone
and i think i'd be a LOT happier without it

i don't know.
like i said, haven't slept with the plush, i think it's possessed, or something
like the celebi plush was
god that breaks my heart too and i dont know WHY, i dont FEEL ANYTHING, is that an obligatory emotion too??


i want to have relationships with everyone like i have with genesis
and laurie, for the most part, when she's not paralyzed with hesitant fear
genesis has sharp bright edges, he doesn't get "soft" close because for him it's awkward.
and that's great.
see i NEED THAT DISTANCE.
laurie knows, she's not allowed to even put a hand on my shoulder unless she's practically doing so like i'm an armchair
basically, don't do it TO me, do NOT do it FOR me, NEVER LOOK AT ME AND JUDGE MY REACTION, EVER,
but q did that
and chaos did that
and sometimes infinitii does that
and i don't understand why
i really cannot associate with romantic people
and unless they change, i cannot go back
i cannot
i can't do this anymore



other things…

☆ Realizing that I AM ALLOWED to look at people from a chaste, simple, interested, aesthetic perspective is SO FREEING.
I'm frequently too damn terrified to even make eye contact because I'm scared it's "automatically sexual and/or romantic" and therefore I will be trapped.
Problem is, I'm projecting that upon myself.
That, too, is tied to SLC, massively. I'm sorry to say that, I don't think they realized. But I can heal now.
ACKNOWLEDGING MY OWN MOTIVES AS VALID IS INCREDIBLY RELIEVING.


☆ LYNNE IS GETTING DAMAGED BY THE "ADULT FEMININITY" PROGRAM SHIT.
in high school she was the "adult woman we would never become, but which we felt we HAD to be," i.e. mature, strong, responsible, kind, graceful, etc. but NOW that we ARE an adult, for some reason now Lynne is starting to act like the MOTHER?? like she's being VERY immature and temperamental and snippy. not like herself at all. frankly it's frightening


we're all sllipping to an extent?
is this because of the constant negative mantra, "I'm terrible, I'm an evil person, I'm ruining everyone's life," etc.?
it's the biggest catch-22 in the world. you're convinced that you have no other option because admitting so would be "selfish"

well I've had enough of it

quite honestly I've had enough of headspace in general

when headspace does not exist, I don’t think hacks do either?
like headspace is a perfect breeding environment for that stuff
especially the stupid stupid relationship drivel
we don't want any of that anymore.
but yeah
none of that = no hacks
so I'm going to try that
again
and hope it sticks

 

 

 

 

TRACK 28 (june 29th 2015)

(Jay) Okay, we are taking notes on Morpheus for topics that we need to discuss. Uh... we need to talk to people in the System who are damaged. Fear is a protector, sadness is important. Um, Jeremiah being afraid of-- of women, because, oversexualization of women, uh-- Eros saying sexual energy is more-- think of it as generative energy. Think of it that way. We're not taking that away from femininity or anything, we're taking away the sexualization, a.k.a. the pornographization that our society has done. That needs to be taken OUT of it, it's not obligatory just because you're around a woman or a man or anything. That is what we need to fix. Um, another thing we need to fix is, we need to figure out what is going on with sadness. A lot-- there is still so much sadness... people that just want to sit and cry and cry and cry, and I think we need to, to an extent... um, I'm getting off topic, I'm sorry. People who are afraid, look at why they're afraid, look at what they're afraid of, work through that. You know what to do, but we need to discuss this.

(later)

So. It's not a fear of the Xangas, it's a fear of going home. Try having them on the porch, because in the room it doesn't feel safe. Uh, having them outside of the house, a.k.a. in Borders or somewhere like that would be optimal, and I wish we could do that now but we don't have a plug with us and we're not sure where to go. Also I think somebody needs the car. So we do need to get home as soon as possible. But, keep that in mind, there is fear tied to the HOME. That is where these-- these younger people come out and they just want to cry and sleep because they don't want to be, at home. We really-- that is the one thing that makes Salt Lake-- well, the one big thing that makes Salt Lake redeemable is that, we were... out, and away from that, and that sort of pure absolute joyful freedom is what made us want to stay, what makes us want to go back. It was totally detached from staying with other people. So... sit and write this down and talk about this, but, like I said, please, go out on the porch. Take your stuff out on the porch, don't go on the internet anymore-- the therapist told you flat-out don't look at Gnostic stuff anymore, you know the truth, don't get confused. Don't get confused! They would tell you that Julie had no right to live, and we don't believe that. Me and the System believe that everyone, every soul ever, exists for a purpose, and can be redeemed-- that nothing is permanently evil, that if everything was created of God, then, nothing is truly, permanently-- nothing is ever really separate from God. It's an illusion. Even if you feel like you're in hell, it's just because you're... you're blind to that fact, at the moment. This is turning into jargon, I'm sorry. What I'm trying to say is... you know in your heart what you have to do. Do that.

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@11:59 PM


quick update so i dont forget.

- more reading today. turns out we HAVE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA ALL ALONG. laurie is simultaneously furious, grieving, and joyous (which is a rather typical mix of emotions for her) because she has been TELLING US THIS FOR YEARS but we've been so paranoid and scared, listening to other people instead. well we're on the right track.
- looking back on our past... there's been a LOT of "synchronicity" or parallels with what we're reading, without us even being aware of the things we were reflecting. it's scary and exciting all at once, because damn that's one hell of a big responsibility if we ARE truly finding this stuff out on our own, CORRECTLY. mainly, we need to stay honest with ourselves, stop forcing ourselves into patterns and programs that aren't good or correct for us, that don't fit at all... we need to go back inside. there's nothing "evil" about going inside our own soul and working there, like we used to. so much is trying to distract us now, lead us astray, so to speak... we're aware of it, but fear and its partner of ignorance are the biggest obstacles. nevertheless they only occur in dissociation... in depersonalization, of forgetting about US, about what WE ARE. so again, it's just going to take a lot of compassion, forgiveness, and bravery, to assert ourselves and get back on the right track.
- now we're just scared of "being too far gone" with how we've let ourselves be messed up. i hope it's not too late.
- i'm sorry if any of these recent entries on this topic sound inapproproate or whiny or dramatic or otherwise contrived/ harmful. we are just trying our best to write this out for our entire mind to understand and see. we don't like when explosive entries happen, they hurt, they're made of hurt. all we can do is do our best to stay in a life position where such things won't occur, where the people who write such things are not so hurt.

- therapy today was SOMETHING ELSE. we walked in there very numb-depressed and that's all i know offhand. then apparently, laurie fronted, practically forced her anchor to ground so no one could kick her out from fear or anything, and proceeded to try and talk about yesterday's entries. i don't know how far she got. i'm honestly not even aware what she was talking about, other than the fact that she was very distressed and kept running her fingers over her scars.
- the real star of therapy today was JULIE. she came out after laurie, assumedly because she could speak on that topic (the whole tangled sex/religion trauma thing from childhood) better than anyone else. i'm honestly shocked though because apparently she spoke about HER ROLE IN ALL OF IT. which she has NEVER done before, to ANYONE outside the Spectrum. she talked for at least 15 minutes i assume, which is just.... incredible really. my heart goes out to her, that must have been really difficult, but i know how set her own heart is on being honest and repairing what she damaged, on helping everyone heal now. so we're all very, very grateful for her right now, and the effort she put forward today. we have literally NEVER discussed trauma roots in therapy before but she just blew the gates wide open.

- genesis and jay went to see "inside out" before therapy. it was very insightful and inspiring, and probably played a significant role in how we were able to have such a good therapy session, having just been reminded how important ALL our emotional responses were, in their own way.
- a warning: do not go see that movie with your imaginary friend unless you want to do a LOT of crying, haha. seriously though it really yanked at our heartstrings. genesis teafully asked jay again "don't ever forget me" and jay said he wouldn't, ever; back in 2005 our core bloodline promised him that and no one has broken it. we don't plan to.
- we were kind of laughing though because there, everyone has 5 "inner voices" as emotions, that's kind of how we started out, with just a handful of known headvoices-- julie, laurie, lynne, jewel, jess/jemma, natalie. and now we literally have at LEAST 100 so our internal management setup is a lot more complicated, haha. but again, this movie gave us another self-knowing lens to look at our life through. it does help, to take that and look at core motivations and responses, in our own context.
- it's also making me feel a LOT better about the deluge of anon hate we got in 2013 or so, on tumblr. one scathing remark that haunted me was "you're just making up characters for your emotions," but now doing this exercise, i've realized that IS NOT THE CASE. it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to assign a headvoice to an emotion! they all have JOBS. they are real people, as far as we are concerned, they are complex. laurie might register as "anger" at first but she is 100% capable of every other emotion, same with julie and lynne and leon and nathaniel and everyone else. the only people who might seem one-dimensional are socials and splinters, no surprise there, because THEY AREN'T COMPLETE PEOPLE. their function forbids it! so yeah, this is helping me stop feeling so paranoid about our existence "being fake" because of something a stranger said. kind of ridiculous how such remarks cut so deep, but there you go
- lastly laurie's only response to being compared to this movie was "we really need sparkly hair." lynne and julie agreed so yeah if you see any headvoices walking around with really glittery locks that is why. (i know the emotions in the film were mostly particles but it looked sparkly and sparkles are cool so hey)


- cz is still a mess. honestly ze's been a mess for many many years, probably SINCE he solidly entered the Spectrum (using that word instead of "system" now, has a less constrictive vibe) in early 2004. ze holds way too much negativity and ze is really torn up over it, but really ze doesn't even need to hold on to that stuff. it was given to hir and is not something mandatory. yet again, this ties back to the fact that ze is the only outspacer that never really let go of their original world, at all. which is a big problem, because ze held a lot of negativity in hir original world. bottom line, with all this religious/sexual distress and confusion lately, with hir being caught up in the middle of it all thanks to hir relationship status and history and associations and name, well. it's a mess. and ze just wants out. so we're all trying to clear our eyes to see the cleanest, easiest way out of that. no use convoluting it more.
- on that note the system feels like it's trying to make either an old jewel (age between 12-16) or a new boy the new host?? the name "jay" has become TOXIC, no idea how offhand? probably from unique trauma though, over the past few years. i don't know when people started using the name. the biggest problem though is that we really CAN'T go back to using the name "jewel" for our boy hosts because that parallels some HORRENDOUS trauma back in 2012. so i dont know. laurie's really sad about it, chaos is too, but frankly his emotions are cycling from "resigned depressed emptiness" and "self-hating outwardly projected rage," and he is STILL splitting like mad. his "manic" side has ALWAYS been effectively an "alter" of his, a split of his psyche, and we keep glossing over the fact that they inhabit the same body usually, i mean hell they have FOUGHT in front of us before, we are WELL AWARE that he's got some serious inner conflict. THE PROBLEM IS that the "neutral" chaos is TIMELOCKED??? like he remembers hoseki, who is about 15-16, but he says HIS memory gets fuzzy around college, then starts coming back with the white-haired jays??? i have no freaking clue. headspace is weird and everyone gets bothered by internal trouble, that's what happens when you're all tied to one collective soul and all that. but yeah chaos is a total mess.
- we're thinking he's split into maybe FOUR at this point?? 1) timelocked "original" one, who is very subdued and quiet and shy, in love with the jewel of that time (hoseki, i think? we're trying to give different names to all the major age-changes but frankly that one just feels like an older jewel.). he can go perfect but it's a dissociative state?? again we're not sure if that counts as an alter for him at this point or what. also, this chaos (the original) is basically identical to his original canon appearance, except with a mouth and visible irises. HOWEVER 2) gets triggered by those appearance shifts, he's the one who's more extroverted, flirty, temperamental, etc. this one hits the infinite forms. he's rather ego-driven and although he claims he loves the same jewel it's a very conditional relationship, mostly passion really. we're thinking this one was with the older jewels, judging by what entries we remember. then there is 3) POSSIBLY "perfect chaos," the kaiju-looking one. we're not sure, he might count as a splinter. but listing him separately because of the 4th incident in which chaos was "trapped inside his own mind" when he went perfect, and we could interact with him SEPARATELY from perfect, insinuating that there was a split of SOME sort happening. lastly is 4), whatever chaos keeps trying to rename hirself "serenity" and things, MUCH more feminine than the others in vibe, also NOT TIED TO ORIGINAL CANON. this "chaos" is AQUA in color, not blue, and always wears lots of gold jewelry that quite honestly reminds me of indian bridal jewelry. no idea why but it's a constant. this individual is SYSTEM-ANCHORED and has the feminine "edge" that allows for power and steadfastness, and which also makes hir "safe" for some reason??? i guess the whole "chaos being assigned male" thing got too tangled up in trauma, the System was like "nope that's not working." cz has always been technically androgynous but again, it's the assignment, and the projected reflection tied to that (ESPECIALLY with religion, and slc by extension) became very very distressing for those he was close to.
- this really needs its own entry, sorry for babbling.
- julie said, in therapy, that we NEED to talk about the whole issue with chaos in therapy, because he has been THE SINGLE CONSTANT in headspace since its inception, and he has been connected to EVERY HOST as well. which makes hir IRREPLACEABLY IMPORTANT. so... the fact that hackers keep targeting him (again since they started), the fact that he is so confused identity-wise thanks to both his native fandom and our experiences with outer confusion, the fact that his fidelity can sometimes be unwise and he'll do anything for the people he cares for, even to the point of severely harming himself and/or the very relationship he is trying to help.... the fact that our current main fronters have once again "forgotten who he is" and have almost destroyed his anchor plushes as a result of that rejection (dont worry that is strictly forbidden after the celebi incidents)... and the fact that this time, that rejection/ forgetting is RELIGIOUSLY motivated, and therefore has tons of paranoia and fear and regret and self-hatred behind it... all that is very very troublesome, because we would like to keep cz in this system if at all possible, but we're all very scared that things might be too busted-up for that to happen. we can't lose hope though, for hir sake. there just might have to be BIG changes in order for things to function again. as long as cz stays alive and loved we'll be fine.
- but that's the issue, i repeat: it's the same issue that almost killed the celebi outspacer pattern and only didn't because that individual became OBJECTIFIED (yeah, we need to talk about that too). it is this chain of events:
1. "i care about this person and consider them a dear friend. i like them a lot."
2. "i love this person; i feel powerful compassion and personal affection towards them."
3. "i want to show my love towards this person somehow. i want to be close to them."
4. HACKERS AND RELIGIOUS FEAR STEPS IN!!!!!
5. "i have experienced trauma tied TO my love towards this person and i cannot cope with it."
6. "i don't know how to show OR feel love towards this person without being reminded of trauma."
7. "i cannot forgive myself for feeling something that led to such trauma, from my ignorance/hope."
8. "i cannot reconcile the love i feel for this person with the way trauma now affects how i see them."
9. "i cannot be around this person, as they remind me of trauma and my mistakes."
10. "i dislike this person as i now equate them with my abuse/ my mistakes/ my evilness."
11. "i must forget this person as i cannot cope with the overwhelming guilt/ shame/ pain tied to them."
12. "i want nothing to do with this person anymore. i do not know who this person is."

see?
we keep cycling through THAT WHOLE FREAKING THING every time there's a massive hack, OR both chaos and jay try too damn hard to "do what the religion tells them to do," but jay CAN'T but he keeps FORCING himself so he doesn't "go to hell," etc... every single time trauma happens, and chaos is involved, we end up rapidly going from steps 5-12 and then there's a horrific period of hatred and misery and numbness until SOMETHING happens (usually laurie, she's a force of nature in her own right) and jay ends up crumbling into love and forgiveness again, and tries again.
then more trauma happens and the whole damn thing repeats
we need a better way to manage this.

BUT, I want you to notice what i just said. and THAT is why chaos/ cz/ serenity/ whatever name ze uses is VITALLY IMPORTANT TO THE SPECTRUM.
whenever ze isn't around, whenever a host/core "forgets" hir... everything grays out.
depression, emptiness, numbness sets in. self-loathing, self-abuse, bitterness and snappy rage set in. we don't know what to do, where to turn, how to progress. the Spectrum starts nervously fishing for NEW HOSTS because apparently this cycle MAKES THE CURRENT HOST "UNFIT" due to this huge influx of trauma-related negativity.
the current host isn't even sleeping holding the anchor plush which means NO nighttime headspace connections, NO internal compassion, etc. it's a very very very bad sign but again it's that damn religious paranoia keeping them apart mostly now, not just the trauma entanglement. what do we do about this

this sort of thing has happened with infinitii too, and honestly there is a LOT of seething hatred directed towards hir from someone inside (and it IS one of the white-haired hosts, no clue which one), but being a daemon, the trend is to "kill hir" and wait for hir to respawn, and then "try again."
death/ resurrection is a very very VERY volatile thing in headspace; rule of thumb is that you DO NOT KILL PEOPLE IN ORDER TO "RESET THEM" BECAUSE THAT MAY NOT HAPPEN AND ALSO THAT IS MORALLY WRONG. but the traumatized people think like that. "destroy the mirror of the trauma, and maybe i won't feel so disgustingly filthy and unforgiveable." so the dead one returns... usually... and then the problem happens. SOMEONE "TRIES AGAIN."
you do realize, this disaster ONLY happens because THE TRAUMA IS INHERENTLY TIED TO THE RELIGIOUS COMPULSION. i am dead serious, if we didn't have VIRTUALLY EVERY DAMN BELIEF SYSTEM WE'VE EVER SUBSCRIBED TO TELLING US THAT "SEX IS AN INHERENT HUMAN QUALITY/ IF YOU DON'T HAVE SEX YOU AREN'T HUMAN/ IF YOU'RE GAY OR ASEXUAL OR TRANS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO HEAVEN/ YOU NEED TO LEARN TO LIKE STRAIGHT SEX OR YOU'LL NEVER BE A COMPLETE HUMAN BEING/ YOU'LL NEVER BE GODLY WITHOUT BEING SEXUAL/ ETC ETC ETC AND IT'S ALL DEMONIC LIES
BUT
someone in the system, someone deep deep deep down, believes it with the wholehearted terrified fear of a child. "they're right, and i'm scared and sick and existentially shattered, because doing that is frightening and painful, it's NOT right for me, but I don't have the luxury of having opinions like that because i have been given a MORAL ULTIMATUM and if i don't obey, absolutely, well then it would have been better if i had never been born."
it's all a lie. it's all a terrible lie.
i hope it is.
it's so stupid. now we're busted-up to the point where we're not only being told multiple conflicting things, but we're trying to do ALL those conflicting things at once, and the dissociation is making it worse.

it's been tested, you know. IN hack situations. by stupid people.
fragment, the scientist, eros, some hosts, they've ALL "tested" whether or not we actually want this/ can do this or not, when we're NOT dissociated.
we can't.
it's been a constant, for a DECADE, that when we're conscious and lucid, WE CAN'T DO THIS. WE DON'T WANT IT.
but then the religious compulsion kicks in, "i must want this,"
then the hormones kick in, "just dissociate and learn to like it,"
then the terror kicks in, "wait a second this isn't what i want at all is it?"
then the doubt kicks in, "maybe if i endure it just this once i'll be fixed, i'll be holy, i'll be healed, i won't have to do this ever again, i'll be doing the right thing..."
god i want to cry and vomit again.
i'm sorry.

so chaos got tangled up in that HORRIBLY because
1) people saying "if you love someone you must marry them"
2) people saying "if you love someone and are married to them you must sleep with them"
3) tons and tons of fear over that because it's IMPOSSIBLE for those two
4) the awful parts of 2011 where there was forced abuse for that purpose
5) dissociation everywhere
6) hosts forgetting what love feels like because they're too busy killing themselves trying to "do the right thing"
7) hosts being terrified to get close to anyone anymore because it feels like trauma
8) chaos being labeled as "evil" because of his given name, because of his trauma ties, and because, god forbid, he "dared to love someone," etc.
9) godforsaken salt lake city i swear, that was the final nail in the coffin, doubt became suffocating after that
10) we want to forgive him. we want to be able to untangle this creature from this trauma hell, because he only ever held the idea of it, he was only ever trying to do what other people wanted of him,
11) but that's "idiot compassion," it's better to be good than nice, REAL GOODNESS ISN'T NICE, if chaos stopped trying to "make people happy" he wouldn't be in this hell either, but that's our problem too,
12) we don't even know how much of this is the tar or the plague, we know the tar used to disguise itslef as him all the time when we were kids, we KNEW because it doesnt feel OR look like him, we know, but damn it when youre dissociated as all hell you dont even realise whats hapening to your OWN body let alone whether or not you recognize whoever the hell is with you at the time

THERAPY, we need to talk about this in therapy,
we need to have a xanga about this, we need to review past stuff again, weve forgotten so muhc,

god i am so so sorry i shold not be typing abtou this wer e going in circle.s




- we're officially taking a break from tumblr. we need to. it's become too toxic, it's feeding too much negativity daily, we're realizing, no matter how briefly we visit. so no more, at least until the stevenbomb in july, and even then we have to be massively vigilant because fandoms are largely toxic too, they've nearly ruined a lot of media experiences for us.
- laurie is rather furious that whenever we see jasper it tends to leak into her overlay? because of their similarities. so she's adamant that we stop "looking for reflections of her in the fandom" on tumblr, full stop, as it's NOT going to happen. we agree, it's just hurting everyone.

- it's 1am and sleep is needed, our eating habits are still kind of dismal to be honest, we got VERY sick today. so we need to recover. again we know what to do but we're "afraid" and keep "doing what other people do" even if we know it's harmful. it's doubt, doubt is poison, doubt is distrust in our own experience, doubt is fear. we need to be brave. we need to persevere.