the spectrum heart cathedral system

make a list:

"does this action/ thought/ etc….
lead someone TOWARDS God
lead someone AWAY from God?
allow evil influences to take root?
AM I AWARE OF GOD IN MY DOING THIS?
DOES DOING THIS CHASE AWAY AWARENESS OF GOD??"
etc.

basically,
"is this thing that I am doing HELPING my heart glow in likeness to GOD?"
"is this an action taken out of true righteous just compassion?"

trust your heart.

ALSO.
SIT DOWN AND ABSOLUTELY GRILL YOURSELF WITH QUESTIONS.
"WHY DO I HAVE THIS THOUGHT"
"WHY DO I NOT QUESTION THIS THOUGHT WHEN I HAVE IT?"
LETS DO THAT NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS

 I feel guilty after using sexual energy EVEN IF I am honestly trying to use it for positive, loving, spiritual purposes BECAUSE
1. I KNOW that it is NOT what I am looking for, to express love.
2. I KNOW that true, deep love DDOES NOT REQUIRE SEX AT ALL.
3. I KNOW that I can't even attempt to use sexuality without rerouting EVERYTHING through my heart! Therefore why am I even trying to bring other things into it???

So. I feel guilty because, even with best intentions, I know I am selling myself short.
I know I am not really expressing my love honestly, because if I have to dissociate, depersonalize, and hide in order to do this, then it is NOT honest, it is NOT a clear expression of love. It is sadly misled, it is a big fog over what is truly trying to be expressed here.

In truth, I KNOW that REAL LOVE and intimacy is through the HEART. And I am fully capable of doing that.
However, something is getting in the way, and it feels like crushing fear, and I think I know why.
1. In the past, sexual abuse was NOT dissociated from until it became "a trauma to escape from." But even then, it had bodily closeness! So, in some part of our subconscious, ALL bodily closeness might be triggering that knee-jerk fear.
2. Similarly, all bodily closeness feels like "setting the scene for sex" which makes me immediately dissociate and start acting sexual robotically, OR… it makes me panic, cry, sob, and burn with desperate hurting rage. It's sad but it's true.

So. We NEED to fix that. "Intimacy (of physical space!!) CAN HAPPEN without sex!"
We need to practice experiencing THAT CONTEXT INSTEAD.
It's going to take time. But Chaos 0 can do it, I know, for one. His anchor plush is sanctified and he won't hurt us.

But there's anger/fear tied to HIS name. I think it's because of 2011 and the past.

 

 

 

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@11:50PM

 

 

today…


jezebel is fronting. yeah. it's not good!
we caught a compulsive-abusive eater today, someone who was thinking "I'm gonna eat this and I don’t really care who hurts from it," started checking names, and THAT NAME STUCK. then overlay locked in and that was really disturbing
but yeah now we know. and we can be careful now. discernment as a result of knowledge.

I can feel her hanging around now, again, like she used to. sitting off to the side like julie did in the old days. this is creepy. she's inky black in color. the bad black. like a tar pit. it reeks off her.
god I know we wanted to find out where the tar went but this is really, really disturbing. thanks though now we can get back to our actual PURPOSE in here.
we haven't been warriors for a while because we kept thinking we "weren't supposed to fight anything" but look where that got us.
we can fight without being violent or hateful, like the things we ARE fighting. that’s the key. we can be warriors without starting a war.

action is picking up. i can feel it in the air, like the sun getting warmer as it gets higher. a burning glowing building time.
jay is doing a lot of spiritual reading again and it's of a different sort this time, it's helping a LOT. it's already highlighted a lot of issues we were concerned over, confused with, helped put into words WHY and how to deal with that. so we're glad.
just gotta pace this properly, there's like... fifteen tabs open and a LOT of words and i dont want anyone shutting down from overwhelm.

oh about the eating disorder stuff we are doing SHOCKINGLY better lately
like looking back at the past several months if not longer, there's been a lot of improvement lately, which is very good
trigger foods/ forbidden foods are sticking which means the data is HOLDING and people aren't "second guessing if it hurts or not" which a lot of the younger, feeble-identity socials used to do.
partly (largely) we have spice to thank for this. very much so.
biggest concern is the amount of sheer patience and perseverance with cutting out "stim foods" (eaten solely for texture/ biting) and replacing that with non-food related coping skills, or (if we've been fasting and do need to eat) replacing them with healthy foods and the mindset that we deserve to eat well.there's still the old bad mindset of "i only deserve to eat scraps and garbage" which turned literal after a while and that was very very bad. we deserve to eat good things too! not just the familys rejects or leftovers. we're not a crow. we're not a racoon digging in the garbage pile. we can eat actual good meals and things. we're allowed!
so we need to learn that over again, except not because there are lots of us who DO think good things and want the best for us.
the main concern is getting those people in charge, instead of those like jezebel.
again, emmett is our failsafe. when in doubt, get him out. it works dude believe me

oh yeah speaking of spice HAVE YOU READ ROMANS 14 LATELY??
HOW RELEVANT IS THAT
" I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died...Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble...For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit..."

THAT IS VERY RELEVANT TO ALL YOU ABUSIVE/ HAPPY-GO-LUCKY FOOD SOCIALS.
STOP.
it is also very relevant to the eating disorder in general, seriously that is SUCH A RELIEF seeing that in scripture, you have no idea.
we will have to apply this 100%. be strong and do it. this takes a lot of the paranoid religious eating stress of our backs.

i just realized, that bit is relevant to the "doublethink" thing of the other day too
"One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God..."

that and the whole "nothing is unclean in itself" thing... that is hugely relevant to our life.
it's what's been causing us a lot of trouble because we've been skipping the key bit: faith that our own actions are okay, when motivated by love.
problem is you can't force it either. you can't copy someone else's path out of love, when something deep in your heart is STILL saying, "dude i know you are trying to understand this person's perspective, but you are ALSO crushingly doubtful in yourself, and that's not healthy. this isn't for us. stop."
that applies to food and relationships and so so so many other things.
and there's a line about that too. my favorite.
"Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil."
that
that right there is hugely important
it's in the bible, dudes, you HAVE to accept that it's okay now. which is good! we've been LOOKING for "validation" and THERE IT IS.
god i am so glad i found this chapter it is helping so much just as is right now.

last bit. it's not fully making sense right now. not sure why.
"So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin."
the last sentence does make sense intuitively. i understand that, we've been living by that in the spectrum for a while, people keep reminding each other, "if you aren't acting with the right state of heart/mind you're in trouble" basically. which we get. but it's not always put into practice! that's not good.
it's the word "doubts" that i don't understand yet really. doubting whether or not what you're doing is in faith? maybe. heavy stuff though. heavy but true.
there's a lot of "fear of damnation" tied to it, mostly from the alters defined by self-doubt, due to thinking they really aren't capable of knowing better themselves. so i think a lot of confusion is rooted there.
we'll work on this.

sorry i'm practically quoting that whole chapter but it's important.

in any case we need to re-read scripture a lot more lately, i feel there's stuff in there that would help, we haven't been reading it lately and that's not good in any case.



leagueworld stuff:
most importantly i gave jay the ability to work with leagueworlds as much as i do now. :D If he wants to, he can!
probabyl going to be a lot of tiptoeing around first but that's always fun.

tuning into justice/vengeance overlays today
is that the correct term?? like when you can "be" them temporarily
best thing ever, doing that since childhood (HI VEZ)
but yeah it is very precise? like glassblowing. very very careful. you cannot force things in that, or be rough. you've gotta let go and just let the other person BE THROUGH YOU. you're no longer "you" but you're aware that this person is not you? does that make sense?
it's the BEST thing for writing, it's so sweet, but it's difficult as all heck because it's draining and like i said it is PRECISION WORK and you absolutely cannot take it lightly or fool around with it.
hackers do. those damn hackers do and I KNOW they mess with it because it's NOT THE SAME THING.

anyway justice does not like being around clingy people? he does not like that attitude, it unsettles him.
unfortunately his "brother" is very ruled by emotion and he can get very clingy, dramatic, desperate, etc.
justice does not. he's the more "logical" brother, in a spiritual sense? he can be overly serious, out of tune with his emotions.
which is interesting because he cries ALL the time, literally, he feels sorrow deeply but he's oddly detached from it personally?
more of a compassion thing. not tied to himself per se.
vengeance is very "personal" and he feels anger as a result of sadness but again, very personal. so that's a difference.
anyway yeah that's a point of dissonance between the two, especially later when healing their relationship, it becomes "unfixable" for a while because vengeance is being super emotive and justice is not, neither can really deal with the way the other is handling the situation?
justice has a bad habit of just "tuning out" what upset him, not like a cold shoulder, more of a "pretending i didnt see it at all" neutrality
anyway yeah. vengeance has to learn to express what he feels WITHOUT getting carried away with his emotions.
when he can do that justice responds to him in kind and it's very genuine, they still love each other dearly, it just gets buried under all the mess of their history.
again that's all relevant to headspace too it feels like. especially jay and cz, with the splintering/ fracturing/ what have you.

oh! we were thinking about that
the whole having to accept that outspacers are effectively introjects, the internal roots are paramount,
realizing that in that respect then yes cz will never, and can never, entirely be his canon self
(and frankly we dont want him to be, not entirely, too much outside interference, we do need to talk about that)
BUT most important realizing that this means they are now operating largely on headspace terms
which means that they CAN fracture and splinter and things.
and it has been proven up here that cz HAS FRACTURED and there are at least two "other chaoses" around
however
with that realization we had to ask why and it's actually because he was tied to past trauma
especially in 2011/2012, there was some awful awful stuff that happened then as far as i'm aware
but it was utterly incompatible with who chaos was/is, and jay could not cope with it either,
so apparently those parts of his psyche/ experience BROKE OFF and are still around?
the most toxic one hangs out with azalea, as you all know
they are both very very unhealthy dangerous individuals
but yeah that's important info. needs to be looked into more.


cel is trying to find her new name/ solid appearance. resonating with the greek word kairos actually, just looked it up and that is surprisingly fitting.

jewel is actually THE BRIDGE????
like with this new "outspacer spectrum," i.e. "alternate centralites" who hold TWO colors instead of one and who aren't headvoices, jewel is between BROWN AND RED. between the body-life color, and the inside-life color. very very important. makes sense though.
still haven't had the opportunity to sit down and think about that yet. will do so asap.


jewel hanging out with jay for a while this evening, they're like siblings
at one point jewel affectionately hugged him around the shoulders but from the front, he had a minor panic/ shutdown reaction?
jewel said "i'd never hurt you" and jay said he knew but that sort of position at all was upsetting.
he mentioned how this was harming his relationships with cz and laurie especially
but also because he was scared of romance being just as much a threat as literal tangible abuse.
jewel said "romance is a gateway drug"


laurie found out the two things keeping us from having xangas
1) fear of the bedroom desk. the area where we type is NOT a fully safe area. we're trying to fix it up but it has bad vibes.
2) overwhelm from not having specified topics!!! THAT'S the key thing. jay would aways say, "yes i want to talk," and he did, but unless you SPECIFICALLY say what about, the stress gets heavy and no talk happens. just like in therapy! we feel no need to talk without a topic, but in xangas there's that pressing need to discuss, so. it gets overwhelming.
needless to say we are putting a list together now, so once that happens there's NO OBSTACLES ANYMORE and a session can happen totally without problems. thank goodness.


very very VERY tired and feeling some residual fear and sorrow from the tumult of the past week or month or so
extremely tired. head shutting off. plus the backspace key is actually giving me vertigo whoooa that's not cool at all.
going to get some sleep okay bye