the spectrum heart cathedral system

admission //

5½ years later, I'm back at UPMC. New floor, new crowd, same essential structure. However this time my mind is different-- damaged. My heart is, disturbingly, harder. I'm plagued by impatience, despair, frustration, & numbness. I refuse to associate with the other patients so far out of terror towards conversation and socializing. I keep 'kissing up' to nurses & therapists, trying to be the "model patient," but I'm a hypocrite and I will justly crash & burn for it. I don't want to be like this. It's a literal hell.
What happened to me? Why am I so wicked and evil? God, how can I change? How can I heal?
I'm reading the Book of Job and it hits far too close to home. The only key difference is that I'm choking on my guilt & shame; I deserve to suffer all these torments and more. My self-loathing is so intense, so crushingly heavy, I can barely breathe. God, what do I do? Will You help me please?
The other problem is, I realize I am convinced that God is so fed up with me, and all my desires & requests are SO corrupt, that God CAN only refuse me totally. The only morally upright response to me is "NO." It's miserable but it's just. And yet I sob, desperate, when all I want is to die to this life and become good, kind, holy, pure-- but I fear God just laughs, and says, "you don't deserve that." That's not God. My inherent, basic grasp of Who God Is-- despite all my Scripture study-- is, fatally and shockingly, corrupt. My earthly experience has discolored & stained my spiritual one. I find it impossible to even imagine that someone could, or even would, help me, have compassion on me, forgive me, or love me.
Ever since the Spectrum shattered my soul has been rotting. And yet I "refuse" to try and seek them out because "you don't need anyone but God" and "you aren't allowed/ supposed to love anyone but God!" and "you treasured your inner life with them too much; it became an idol; it has to go!" Except we all prayed together & served God together & our collective existence was founded on faith & hope & love. Except now that they're gone I have more time to pray & read the Bible and I never have to think about myself. What hypocrisy. I'm a whitewashed tomb. The more "pious" I try to be, the more I seem to cut myself off from the world. But I love people. Don't I? I want to serve & help people. Except I don't, because the insurmountable obstacle is "I". I avoid true service because I don't want people to see me or talk to me because then I have to exist & be aware of myself and honestly I hate myself so much, so much. How did this happen? I love practicing my religion because I never have to think about "me"... except when I pray, which drives me to tears, except in church, which demands my total participation-- except in heaven itself, you wretched moron, how can you ever be in a relationship with Christ if you won't let yourself be beloved? How can you ever be united with Christ if you won't let your own existence continue? You idiot, you absolute fool; reading the Bible for hours won't save you! Studying does not equal faith! Christianity is about LOVE, about BOTH loving others AND letting yourself BE loved by others. Except that latter bit is impossible. I don't deserve love. No one wants to love me. I'm too ugly, too filthy, too evil, too broken, too wrong. "But God loves me anyway." I want to believe that. Oh God please help me I want to believe that You can & do love me anyway. Is it true? Is it true?


Okay, subject switch so I don't murder myself. I already feel sick & dirty wearing this sweater; NOW they just asked me about food choices and I want to die. I have to drink milk & juice. The problem: both are trauma foods. I'm still convinced I'm allergic to soymilk & I picked whole milk, but that just makes me think of sex. Except babies & pure little children drink milk. Except I'm not pure or a child or lovable like them.

Well dammit maybe you SHOULD TRY TO BE because it's a WORTHWHILE THING TO BE!!
Kids drink juice. Kids drink milk. Cows & fruit!! God created 'em both, PURE & SIMPLE & GOOD. So drink 'em LIKE A TRUSTING PURE CHILD OF GOD. Stop being such a damn cynical grown-up you moron!! I'm sorry but you're really being a moron. Stop "growing up" because you're growing cold & hard. BE A CHILD or you'll NEVER enter the Kingdom of Heaven and that IS the LITERAL Gospel truth!!!

 

( (this foni's speech is triggering; click to read) )

 

what about the apple juice
and now PEANUT BUTTER TOO
why are you angry about peanut butter
I fEEL HELPLESS, TRAPPED, AFRAID BY IT. WHy
Chris
ALSO THE #F*CKING APPLE JUICE HE CORRUPTED IT ALL
well then, we just have to forgive him.
AND PURIFY IT WE NEED BOTH
That's absolutely true. Thank you, and I apologize for my blindness to your pain. We do need purification on our end, too. That's the ENTIRE Cross. That's the Blood AND the Water. We must show mercy & forgive, absolutely, but then we ALSO MUST expunge the horrible fingerprints of sin from our soul & memory. That's mercy, too, as well as justice. We need both.

So. Thoughts on "purifying" apples? Go back to childhood-- for us, literally, too! I know we balk & grimace at thoughts of our wild teenage years now, but can that be a starting point?
NO IT'S TOO CORRUPT & DANGEROUS, THERE'S NO GOD THERE
dude nevermind they had a shortage it's cranapple now
THAT'S MOM SHE'S SAFE
So how about the peanut butter?
I can't think of a single positive association for that.
GRANDMA
oh
oh you're right
And kid foods!! "Frogs on logs" & stuff from when we were little!!
yeah but Chris ate it
FORGIVE HIM
LISTEN I'M SICK OF THIS PAIN & FEAR I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM

(A note from upstairs: that "orange" voice is neutrally-oriented; be careful. his role seems to be a foil; the "clever comment" given from a bystander, to push a conversation. Do not expect to have moral or in-depth discussions with him; that's not his function.)



A prayer:
God, Christ Jesus, my guide & Protector & Friend, You know-- and have orchestrated as a gift & blessing!!-- EVERYTHING that is to happen to us today. You have ordained it ALL for the highest good of our soul. Please help us to trust in that completely, especially when we are frightened by not understanding, or not knowing what to expect in the future. In those situations of helplessness, may You be our help-- the only Help we will ever need!! You hold our life in Your knowing, loving Hands-- our past, our present, AND our future-- and You care about us, genuinely & sincerely so. You only want what is truly best for us, and can only do what is best for us, so You are completely trustworthy. Help us to throw ourselves without reserve into Your protecting Arms, and rest there next to Your Sacred Heart, Which loves us so much, unconditionally and eternally. May we never fear anything except separation from You. Draw us back swiftly but gently whenever we wander, and never let us go. Amen.
Jesus, we love you!!


post-breakfast//


A vital reminder: frame ALL your thoughts with gratitude! Look at every circumstance through the lens of joy & thanks, for "this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus"!! NO EXCEPTIONS!! Literally every single thing that happens to us comes from the Hand of God. NOTHING can happen apart from His Will & permission. So be grateful for ALL of it, ESPECIALLY for the things you are tempted to complain about or angry over or afraid of! I'm serious. TRUST HIM. You're studying Job for heaven's sakes! "Even if He slay me, all my hope is in Him!" God is ALL-sovereign AND ALL-GOOD, and He is faithful. Don't be disheartened and don't despair. Your Creator cares deeply for you.

↑-I've realized we have a lot of "peptalk" nousfoni who, although genuinely speaking truth with helpful intentions, are INCOMPREHENSIVE OF EXPERIENTIAL SUFFERING and can ONLY speak of crosses conceptually. Their functions are therefore INCOMPLETE BY DESIGN and their input must be considered only rightly ALONGSIDE their aching brethren, their spiritual complements & counterparts.
↑ON THAT NOTE. Breakfast arrived with an admitted protest against God's given reality: "Is that all we get?" Milk, juice, 2 butter pats, & an english muffin. Black tea requested. 400Ⓚ. Yes, that's it!! So BE GRATEFUL for it! That's the salvific reframing I was talking about-- there is ALWAYS a blessed perspective to take, by the grace of God. "That's all we get" BECAUSE right now, in God's perfect judgment, that's all we NEED. We're just starting treatment, so for everyone's safety, newbies start small. (It's teaching our bulimic ass to eat less.) Yes, that too, she's right! AND it is teaching us TO be genuinely grateful FOR less, so that we may be more readily & joyfully & genuinely able to freely & immediately & lovingly give thanks to God in & for ALL circumstances, no matter how difficult or trying or unexpected, therefore offering ever-more perfect praise to, and giving ever-more total glory to God. So! Beloved, we turned our heart in trust to Him and exclaimed, "Wow! Look at the blessings God has showered upon us! We get a warm, fresh breakfast! We get two whole butter pats! We get an ENTIRE english muffin!" We even got juice that reminded us so much of our dear mother, AND!!! Unexpectedly and Providencially, they nixed the peanut butter PERMANENTLY (so no flashbacks, guys!!), AND since we forgot our Lactase pills, they swapped the milk for soymilk. So, trauma risk averted (we weren't ready I guess & God knew!), and we were able to feel out some shockingly relevant high school sensory memories-- that poor bedraggled dark-green teen who would eat cornflakes & vanilla soymilk and was miserable. (God bless her, poor child.) But!! That's the POINT of this whole food-recovery-thing. Yes we have to heal this poor body & restore both proper weight & nourishment to it as God intended. But far more importantly, and absolutely heart-centrally, we are here to HELP PEOPLE HEAL. Including, inevitably and explicitly, that poor hurting girl with the vanilla soymilk. We cannot avoid her aching pain whenever we taste it. The two are linked: context & experience. So how do we heal that wound? We heal the wounded. We heal her. "But how?" you ask. "She's stuck in 2007, 2008. Her existence is anchored into that time-bubble, and inherently so. How do we heal the past?" Easy!! It never was healed, so her wounds are STILL open and affecting us all in the present! Healing happens NOW. Time is not linear, and besides, we're a Celebi; this whole time thing is in our very soul. She exists NOW, even with roots 14 years old, and we can walk right into that chronosphere of hers as if we were physically there now-- maybe paradoxically even morseo, as we are there with her in heart, with her very heart.
So. Gratitude, so much gratitude, for that especially, that opened door & hope planted & compassion enkindled. But it will take time to heal. Once we have truly reached her, we must SIT witih her and TALK with her and CARE for her because NO ONE DID BACK THEN and her hurt never healed so we MUST do it now. Oh-- and honestly? There WILL be, and must be, less "talking" with her and more FEELING WITH HER. Like united. Heart to heart. Your wounds are my wounds, just like Christ Jesus Himself did for us, not as consequence but as CHOICE; not as shame but as SALVATION; not as loss but as LOVE. God Himself knows we all still kiss the scars on our body not because they are scars but because we SHARE them. THAT is our hope. So this girl-- is this "Hoban"? Or is she a sister in soul?-- has her hope, too, in sharing her personal pain with us, so those hurts CAN finally scar. Step one? Pray we get cornflakes for breakfast, haha. Seriously though, while we're here, EVERY serving of soymilk is an opportunity now to reach in and reach out and BE with her. But it will be brief, at first, AND terribly painful. At that first safe & sacred contact, the weeping eyes and hurting heart can't help but overflow in the sheer shock of overwhelming hope. So we MUST prepare our heart for that, both for our sake & for hers. We need to be strong enough to bear her cross with her, and soft enough to bleed for her, with her. We must stay with her in her passion, our heart and arms both open to her. We cannot flinch or hide or run. When her world of agony hits-- all her memories and terrors-- we must be not only ready and willing to bear it, but also ABLE. Luke 14:27-33 comes to mind, with being bluntly honest about the cost of discipleship. ALL must be sacrificed for Christ, and to follow Him is to love Him, and to love Him is to serve Him, and to serve Him is to keep His Commandments, which simultaneously mandate love of God and neighbor. In short, love costs us, but it's worth it. Love WILL demand a price-- our willingness TO pour ourselves out for others, ESPECIALLY when it's difficult. Remember King David! "I will not offer a sacrifice that costs me nothing!" That destroys the whole concept of sacrifice-- the etymology of which is SACREDNESS. True holiness, real Christian living, MUST cost us our time & comfort & money & desires & possessions & very selves. We, with Christ, must nail EVERYTHING to His Cross out of love, absolutely, entirely. We must be aware of this, and we MUST be prepared for it, and with God's grace & much sincerely fervent prayer we MUST DO IT. Anything less is death, not life. Mark 8:34-38. The blessed paradox. THAT'S the royal road to true joy, and true healing, for ALL of us, promised.

↑Remember all that; it's vital! But if I may add a few closing notes about breakfast. We had English Breakfast tea, which ALSO reminded us of mom, with the bergamot she loves. We mixed some of the cranapple juice with it, and a spot of soymilk for creamer, and it was really lovely. Thank You God. Everything fit together perfectly, which our own choices would have failed to do. But see! Don't be afraid! God can change or transmute ANYTHING to fit His Will, IF HE NEEDS TO. If He leaves something as-is, that's His Will too! So don't be afraid. Your free choices of food, however clumsy or confused, CANNOT foil His plans. That is the GREATEST reassurance & relief, so rest in that. Lastly... oh man we enjoyed that english muffin. Just soft malted bread and butter, simple & pure, and it was lovely. Simple joys are the best, & prayerful gratitude makes them even better. Thank You, God!!♡


post-lunch//


We were humbled by our experience at this meal. Proud, we started too slow, and let our mind get distracted by silly trivia & vapid music, AND-- just like that-- we KEPT BEING JUDGMENTAL. How horrible and hypocritical, God forgive us. I'll be brutally honest and confess: we heard the other patients squeeing over Broadway and rattling off celebrity names and reciting pagan mythology, and-- so proud!-- we were so disgusted & disappointed. AND YET we KEPT trying to answer the SAME damn trivial questions, in hopes of "impressing" them and/or "fitting in." Being aware of all that sinful filth in us is dreadful. And it's such an automated response!! Jesus help me, I don't want to think or act like that. I know it's wrong and it utterly nauseates me to admit. But I WILL admit it and confess it to God, to Jesus my Savior and my Redeemer, Who alone can forgive those sins AND cleanse my soul from them. On that note my WORST sin is my judgmental attitude, those intrusive, proud, condemning, contemptuous, ugly, selfish, EVIL thoughts that I DO NOT WANT and am unbearably ashamed of and miserable over. The one male nurse, with the tattoo, my stupidass wicked brain keeps calling a "milquetoast" and a "wimp" because he is SO gentle and kind, he struggles to say ANYTHING that might be interpreted as offensive or confrontational, or even self-promoting. Like with the trivia, if someone guessed wrong, he WOULDN'T even say "no," let alone "that's incorrect," or the very word "wrong." He would say, "they have a different answer listed"!! Or he would say, "let's Google it," and read whatever IT said-- not the card, and not himself, rejecting all semblance of authority or judgment! Even talking to me about unit protocols & information, he is always stumbling over words & smiling sheepishly so that nothing he says has sharp edges. He tries SO HARD to be utterly nonthreatening and safe and faithful and trustworthy, someone that everyone feels safe to approach for help or advice, and yes dammit he is clumsy and a little awkward in the process but HIS HEART IS PURE. And honestly I admire and honor that in him SO MUCH. So WHY THE HELL is my disgusting demonic brain spitting its asinine judgments at him?? I would much rather be overly soft like him than a BITCH like me. And honestly? If you call someone like that nurse "coward" or "wimp" or "weak," YOU ARE A BLIND & STUPID IDIOT who has NO idea what true strength and courage is. To be THAT meticulously meek requires a power of heart greater than you can ever fathom!!! So SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH and don't you DARE mock all the good people on this unit!!! Those girls who love Broadway? That shows their appreciation of the joy of music & the wonder of imaginative storytelling, at the intricate beauty of stage & choreography, of the celebration of human creativity-- THE GIFT & BLESSING OF GOD'S OWN CREATIVE SPIRIT!!! You laugh at them why?? Because they are CAPABLE of such resonant joy & gratitude? Are you envious that they still cherish and kindle that sense of beauty & wonder & community? Do you have such hatred for the imaginative powers of God's children? "But musicals are vapid & empty, without meaning, about stupid things! Just like movies! If they're not explicitly about God they are purposeless and a sinful waste of effort, time, resources, AND human souls!!" You hypocrite, don't you DARE pretend to be on God's side!!! You think He approves of your proud hatred? Of your desire to destroy? Listen. Yes, sometimes movies & musicals are silly. Most of them do not directly acknowledge God. BUT do you think God cannot USE such creations for His Glory-- especially since they ONLY exist THROUGH the creative talents & energy GOD gave them?? Do you think He couldn't have stopped or frustrated any & all people involved if He wanted to prevent their work? Did Babel not fall? Did David not play? Listen. Even in a "vapid" movie or musical, EVERY one, there is truth, BECAUSE there is HUMANITY, the precious creative work of God. Whether that truth be positive or negative, it cannot help but exist & be discerned, because humankind pours its very soul into its own creative works, a soul breathed into him by the Almighty One!! Do you forget, WE TOO have been touched? Do you so easily forget The Last Ship? Razia's Shadow? Take Flight? Phantom? What about the Studio Chizu marathon we did? Oh yes, I REMEMBER how pissed and judgmental YOU were, because "they're pagans!!" and "they're so immature and immoral!!" I hate to tell you, miss, but those "immoral, immature pagans" STILL showed INFINITELY more compassion & kindness & integrity & charity than YOU!!! That beautiful family, that strong and beloved grandmother, the self-sacrifice for one's fellow man, the hope and courage and love in Summer Wars! You scoff and spit at me, but you know I'm right. That young mother in Wolf Children-- yes! A young unwed pagan teratophile mother!!-- she has more pure love in a single hair than you do in your whole damn being!!! You saw her incredible tenacity and sacrificial selflessness, her unfailing hope & sweetness & gentleness, her superhuman courage, ALL for the sake of her family!! And are you going to tell me "movies are vapid!! Secular media is godless!!" AS IF GOD DOES NOT BREATHE LIFE INTO EVERY MAN? AS IF GOD DOES NOT CALL OUT INCESSANTLY TO EACH HEART HE LOVINGLY CREATED?? You're going to tell me a human can AVOID telling of God if he tells of life?? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PURPOSE AND POINT OF LIFE IS?? Yes it's God, but YOUR definition of "God" is missing the mark entirely if He won't eat with pagans and prostitutes and tax collectors. You hypocrite. Shame on you. Oh yeah, and the kid who knew the pagan mythology offhand? Guess what that tells me? HE APPRECIATES DIVINITY. His mind is drawn to & fascinated by the concept, which is a VERY USEFUL DOOR for the One TRUE God to knock on!!! YOU CANNOT JUDGE. Pointing fingers, wagging your head, scoffing & spitting & mocking, make you a FALLEN angel, you ass. You are CHASING people AWAY from God with your condemnations. JESUS CHRIST CAME INTO THE WORLD TO SAVE SINNERS, to seek the lost, heal the sick, bind up the broken, give sight to the blind, instruct the ignorant, counsel the doubtful, and yes admonish sinners, but WITH LOVE FOR THEM!! And AS CHRIST DID, SO MUST WE. You are NOT a Christian if you don't, no matter how often and angrily you insist you "are doing God's will." Who is your "God," really?? Whose will are you REALLY forcing on the struggling and the lost? It's NOT GOD'S. He never forces, ESPECIALLY not with such pompous windbag cruelty as YOU.


post-dinner//

Back on the meal topic-- God is showing us, through our mistakes & poor judgments & shortcomings, two very important things: one, that we, too, are weak & imperfect & in need of loving correction & instruction in order to grow in health & holiness; and two, that the humbling process of that revelation & discipline not only teaches us to REJOICE in our weaknesses as proof that we are NOT GOD, but that He loves us & we need Him as a Father, and also brings us closer to Him in the process-- AND to all of weak clumsy suffering humanity, through our common struggle, by compassion birthed from that very sharing. In short: God chastises those He loves. That is an HONOR, beyond all comprehension. He disciplines us AS CHILDREN-- but! He can ONLY do so successfully if WE admit we messed up and NEED His correction! Only then can we become holy; only then can we truly be patient & forgiving & gentle & kind & merciful towards others in THEIR mistakes & imperfections, because by our humble openness to receive those very virtues from God, admitting our great need & childlike weakness, we become able to give those gifts to the rest of His children, our brethren. Am I making sense? I feel like I'm babbling, but that's all so important. NOT beating the shortening out of ourselves for every failure is a MUST for recovery, otherwise shame & self-loathing take over & destroy you, because hatred CANNOT cause a good result. It's of death. God is Love & Life & He ONLY hates sin-- NOT PEOPLE! So to imitate God as His children, we must be compassionate like Him, and to give it we must receive it and we can ONLY receive it if our hearts are gracefully open TO it... meaning, we MUST have compassion towards OURSELVES first, and the only way to learn THAT is by seeing & knowing & feeling the compassion Christ has for us, unconditionally.

^ BACK on the meal topic, so we can record this struggle/ goal & take concrete steps toward it: our timing is off. As I mentioned briefly earlier, we start too slowly, underestimating how much time it takes for us to eat one ingredient at a time with little bites, ESPECIALLY when now we are regularly dealing with WILDLY unpredictable textures! That's where we messed up today. We had green beans, turkey, & stuffing. We started with the beans & ate them one by one, enjoying them (they had spices added which was nice), then hit the turkey. Well! We forgot that meat is DRY and sticks to your teeth, taking longer to chew, ESPECIALLY since we have to CUT IT UP into smaller pieces first to avoid choking-- small bites are a must, or we WILL have a problem, with too much of that cloying texture. So that threw us for a loop. We panicked when we only had like 10 minutes left for the stuffing, but we figured we'd be fine as it looked soft. WELL. WE ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH STUFFING!! It was soft inside, but hard outside, and SO DENSE & STICKY. We tried to cut it up like the turkey, but it began to wetly crumble and we had no time for bits. We ended up forced to take big bites with gulps of tea to get it down, which not only meant we couldn't taste or comprehend it, but the large heavy bites were borderline traumatic, honestly. We made it right on time and felt pretty awful & ashamed, but. We learned. God was telling us, "stop judging," "focus on Me & My help," and "let Me reveal to you some important information you need in order to eat better & more properly." We never expected the texture obstacle! But now we know, so thank You God. We can apportion our time better, and eat more safely too. Every meal we must pray for deeper guidance; trust that He will give it, then readily obey!

^ Dinner was a new chance, and a good one. We had mixed vegetables & a chicken/ broccoli/ rice mini casserole stew thingamabob that was SO nice. Unfortunately, again, we had to rush it, because 1) chicken is MUCH drier & stickier than turkey, and 2) corn (!) takes a VERY LONG TIME to chew!! We did move faster on the other vegetables, because not only did we know their textures already (soft & starchy & good), we ALSO wisely recognized that chewing one pea at a time would be ludicrously imprudent as far as timing was concerned. But yes!! We ate peas, for the first time since grandma (♥) passed on... and they played "her" song on the computer, the one I keep hearing since her funeral. It felt like a kiss of encouragement. Thank you, grandma!! I know you're watching over me & praying for me up there. I still want to get better for you, too. I want you to be "proud of me," in a sense-- but really? I want God to be glorified THROUGH His healing me & my cooperation with His grace, in humble obedient submissive faith, and I want you to rejoice in THAT, grandma. Soli Deo Gloria. God willing, when I-- by His Mercy & Christ's Blood alone-- get to heaven & see you again at last, I want it to be with JOY, for that victory of Christ's Power in my life over all sin & addiction. So thank you for your blessing over the peas & lima beans, honestly. I've been avoiding them-- even cursing them-- since you died, and I can't heal like that. But today? I ate them all with genuine gratitude & joy, and I didn't even think about self-hatred. I know your prayers were a big part of that. Thank you, grandma. I love you so much, forever. I promise, I will continue to let God heal me, inside and out.

^ Snack was full of tension & distractions! BUT! I refused to let those intrusive judgments take root!! Yes the chaperone was upset but it's late and she's tired & overwhelmed & wants to go home. Pray for her to have peace & consolation & comfort & hope & happiness! Focus on her good qualities & look at her through eyes of love! BE COMPASSIONATE!! Let that absolutely DEFINE your heart. I did have trouble with my own nerves, though. They were doing history trivia but the questions were very complex & the one kid answering was having trouble & the nurse was exasperated or just sounded like it, God bless them both I care for them truly, but my nerves went into danger mode. "I'm in trouble/ I did something wrong and there is impending punishment/ imminent scary consequences." Subconscious misinterpretation of stimuli as triggers, really. So it was hard to truly calm down & focus, but I tried. Tonight I actually had assigned snack choices, which was a blessed exercise in submission, meekness, trust, & gratitude in all circumstances. I got a strawberry Nutrigrain & a surprise lemon meringue greek yogurt! Plus red zinger tea (for mom, who got a spider bite WHILE I was on the phone with her; I love her so much). The nutrigrains still burn my throat & I couldn't really register the strawberry taste, but it was nice & soft. HOWEVER. Apparently they are now TRAUMA FOOD due to both CNC & grandpa's closet; maybe even poverty food drives. So more unexpected healing to do! I'm oddly excited. Really though, can you imagine, finally HEALING from that? Finally removing those fears, through God's gracious compassion given to us? What joy!! What a blessed adventure we have ahead of us, to take with Jesus at every step!! Because that is KEY-- HE is the sole guarantor of success; without Christ, we cannot hope to recover. With Him, all Good things are possible. Like actually enjoying the yogurt with no fear! At home it was a panic binge food, a form of self-abuse. But God gave us some today-- lemon flavor, no less! (a trigger potential we must watch)-- and we were actively thanking Him for it, for the wonder of its existence, for the gift of eating it, and it was totally safe & good. All thanks & praise be to God!! ♥ Now we are legit EXHAUSTED and need to say our night prayers so we can SLEEP. Treatment starts for real tomorrow! God be with us every moment!!

 

So dreams are getting funky now, guess why?
APPARENTLY WE SWITCHING IN DREAMS NOW?
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?

Last night I remember headspace was in charge of the dream-body for MOST of the first half, unfortunately I forget most of that but I clearly remember knowing that at least four other people were trying to drive (including Minty and Kyanos, I know that much).
(BTW the second half of the dream involved Genesis being the "prince" of some weird cyberpunk-dystopia company, Chaos 0 showing up everywhere (although never in person as usual, which concerns me), some guy that looked like a domesticated Hannibal Chau telling me I had a divine mission to get rid of my "crown of thorns," a lot of angels with equally weird halos (one was red tinsel) backing him up on that, Sonic the Hedgehog + FROST* Youtube videos, an outbreak of brain-shaped gel falling from the sky, and a frozen chocolate bar. WHAT EVEN.)

The night before was the big tip-off for the switching thing, though. For some reason my mother and some unknown woman had agreed to "fight to the death" for my three bros and I, don't know if that was a legal thing or what? I remember thinking, "there's no way she's gonna lose, otherwise we'd be left homeless and without income! That other woman has to understand that."
But then some man sadly called my bros and I over, "the battle was finished," I had a bad feeling about it. And then we see our mother, dead, lying against a fencepost with half of it impaled through her. There was blood everywhere.
For a moment I felt total shock, barely believing this was happening... and then I wasn't driving anymore.
DAVID was.
I clearly remember "seeing myself" from about three feet to the right, as if I was a bystander... as a timid, scared little boy's voice came out of the body's mouth, whimpering "mommy?" repeatedly, hoping she would answer. When she didn't, he began to sob in a terribly helpless way, but didn't stop calling her. Everyone around us was crying now, I guess realizing exactly what had just happened here. But I kept thinking, "why am I doing that? Why am I acting like that?" although I wasn't even in the body.
After that the man had pity on us and "sent us back in time" to relive the previous day with our mother once more, which I was present for, but it was incredibly difficult emotionally because the entire time I couldn't forget that when this day is over, she's going to be dead for good. And that made me realize just how much we had taken for granted, while she was alive.
To make it worse, the timeline of this dream was the 1st of May, a week before her birthday. I remember thinking that she's going to be dead before she can even celebrate being alive for another year. So that hurt too.

On a more positive note I cannot believe I just started noticing the switching when THIS happened last month. Seriously Jay, pay attention dude.

It's weird though. For most of "my life," I had ALWAYS been aware of my dreams typically either being:
1. Myself watching the body in 3rd person, totally disconnected from it, or
2. Being in the body, but knowing that I wasn't the one operating it.
Dreams where I am explicitly the one in the body AND driving were surprisingly rare for most of our history. I just "took it for granted" that dreams were like that, "you don't actually dream about yourself, right?" But I guess that's NOT normal? Most people actually dream about themselves.
It's bizarre. I honestly thought most people DIDN'T dream in first person. Now I'm starting to reconsider, and it's creeping me out.
I might have to go back through homefive and add a few more tags for this... that, and I STILL haven't uploaded at least half of my written dream journal from 2005 or so (pre-Central, when headspace was still Outspacer-grounded). Those should be interesting, to compare at least.
I seem to be having more first-person dreams now, but they almost always involve headspace or semi-lucidity in some way. That's notable in and of itself, I think...

...I mean, I usually don't talk about these things but sometimes I'll wake up from dreams but not? And when that happens it's ALWAYS headspace.
There was that one infamous morning when, for WHATEVER reason, the dream "ended" with the four outspacer-guys and I together, but when I 'woke up' guess what? I WAS STILL THERE. It was almost scary because in the dream I felt everything and when I awoke, I felt as if I fell backwards out of it, but slowly, like sinking through water... but I could still see everything, although I could no longer literally sense it anymore. It is not the first time I've experienced that either. Very disorienting.
Then on the 12th, when I fell back asleep halfway after waking up and suddenly Chaos and Laurie were there with me. Once again I felt everything. That is so weird, to suddenly have physical sensation where these people are concerned, after being used to a decade of them being just out of reach.
...I also can't help but wonder why, whenever we can reach each other in that dream/waking state, we throw all caution to the wind and get really close, no matter WHO is involved. Even if I'm in a state of mind downstairs where I'm "unreachable" (like I've been in lately), when they show up in a dream... that doesn't apply.
Last night, in my dream, I was browsing the internet and suddenly this page came up, with Chaos on it. Except it didn't feel like a website so much as it felt like a gateway, like he was actually there looking for me from far away. But that's all it took, just a glance of green eyes and blue, and I swear my heart just melted and I couldn't fathom not remembering who he was in the waking.
Then I woke up, and I honestly can't remember.
Something's up. The blocks we're feeling down here aren't as substantial as we think, if dreams are any clue.
That's a good sign. That's a very, very good sign.


Anyway I have to leave in about... a half hour maybe? Gotta buy some food actually. Yesterday I realized that the only food I had in the entire house was a head of cauliflower and a really old red cabbage, well that's just great. So I know I have about $40 left in my bank account so I can use that to buy some vegetables for the next week or so.
Jeepers with all the spiritual blogs I'm reading I KNOW I have to keep thinking "joy and abundance!" but does that mean ignore the fact that money is currently tight? Do I keep saying "I have tons of money!" while completely disregarding the current situation? Is that spiritually correct? If "reality follows your thoughts," if this really is just a dream, could it REALLY be so simple?
I dunno, this is the sort of thing that bugs me day after day. Spiritual beliefs tend to clash fantastically with current ideas of logic and "common sense." I'm never quite sure which is the smartest to follow. Hm.
Maybe I'm just understanding it wrong. That wouldn't be new either, haha. I have a bad habit of splitting things into tiny pieces just to look at them, whereas Sherlock is the super-analyst now, but he apparently deals with data management so that tends to bleed over when I'm searching archives if I'm not careful.
I've got a ton of spiritual videos to watch as well, but they're all like 30 minutes apiece which makes it tough to just marathon them. If only I could hook my laptop up to a television so I could exercise while watching them, that could work. I'll have to see. They do need to be watched in any case; I either gave away or lost most of my spiritual books when I moved (along with 90% of my possessions in general, which was a hidden blessing) so I've unfortunately been falling back into old mind-patterns simply because that's what I'm living with.
I need to get back into repeating the new patterns regularly, day after day, to change this. Careful though-- the last few times I did, we had an anorexic/ paranoid fallout, I abandoned my outer life in general, and Christina showed up. Can't take it to extremes boy, that's exactly what we're trying to avoid here!

I'm just rambling now, which is a sign to sign off. See you kids later!
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@ 10:44 am

 

 

Someone just posted this on Facebook.

"What is once created, with love and honor, never ceases to exist."

I'm trying to read Laurie's entry from last night (SERIOUSLY) but it's tough. I keep dissociating and it's not registering. This might take a few tries before I actually comprehend it.
But "July 7th" keeps coming up in my head and now suddenly I know that CZ and Laurie were downstairs last night, what was that?? My brain hurts just trying to access the memory, I don't think I'm supposed to look at it. I'll have to ask Laurie instead or something.

...Also. Here's a big Tumblr-quote from my new friend D, because it was exactly what I needed to hear today and I do not want to forget it in any sense.

"Learn to stop being focused on some future aspiration! Because as long as you define yourself by something you WISH was happening NOW, you remove your traction from the road, and cannot budge at all! In other words: DON’T DARE FOCUS ON MAKING PROGRESS! I think I’m starting to realize how dangerous and toxic that mindset is! As painful as it might be for the two of us to let go of that mindset, we must enter a new one about loving what we have and being EXPLOSIVELY HAPPY, while fantasizing about what we want. FANTASIZING ABOUT IT! Not pressuring ourselves towards it. It will come. Be happy, and then follow your intuition, and KNOW, that your instincts will ALWAYS lead you down the path towards a state of HIGHER VIBRATIONAL ENERGY and AWARENESS.
If any desire you have right now is causing you pain, CUT IT OUT."

...Something tells me I need to share that with Chaos.
But there's a block, that stupid metal barrier between my heart and the world, and especially him. What is that??
You know what, I forgot to mention that too, didn't I. When I was upstairs talking to Eros the other day, the Sage-guy specifically said that although Spectrum slots don't literally correspond to "energy points," they hold a lot of those qualities and CAN check the body health of those if they wish. And according to Sage-guy, we were seriously overlooking the health of our heart-- our "emotional center" in any case-- because I didn't exactly love myself unconditionally. Which is kind of a prerequisite. And I thought I DID! But now, hearing what Laurie has to say... I'm wondering if I'm not just lying to myself. Blinding myself with these sparkles and rainbows. "Everything is pretty and perfect." But it IS, to me, it really is... even if that means completely disregarding the darker points of reality. I was abused. I never forgave myself for it. There are tons of alters downstairs that exist just to siphon that trauma off me, the core. And I feel horribly guilty for that, but my Care-Bear mindset is preventing me from acknowledging any difficulties here.
"Life is a cosmic dream," these spiritual "gurus" say. "Forgive the murderers-- because they don't really exist." But... does that mean ignoring the fact that they murdered someone? Because that is essentially what I am doing upstairs, and I cannot tell if that's "right" or not. Heck, even without the universal label... I can't even tell if it's right for me.
I don't even know who I am anymore. It's tough, in a system. It's tough.
We've got all these people who are technically splinters of one original person. It started with four, now there are over 50 of us. How did that happen?
And I feel so young, I'm not even a year old, but there's this one guy up here who insists we've been together for 10 years and I KNOW that's true on some level but I can't remember it. I don't remember it.
What happened to that life, that he said he had with me? Who was I, back then? Where did those memories go? Who loves him now?
And why does the rain still tear my heart to pieces? It's like I'm supposed to remember something, but I don't. It means something, but I don't understand. And it hurts.

"If any desire gives you pain, cut it out."
I understand that. Stop "wanting" things, that's not a good move. But... I've never "wanted" anything. I have no goals in life, no passions, no interests, no drives. I don't want anything. I just don't.
Is that bad? Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?
Ironically, I guess that's not entirely true. All my life, I have wanted something. Just one thing. I wanted to be a "good person."
You see where that's brought me, huh.

I'm thinking too much.

"What is once created, with love and honor, never ceases to exist."

Whatever I've lost, or forgotten, or abandoned, is still there. Somehow.
If it was true, and real, then it exists still.

They say you only experience exactly what you need, when you need it.

So we need this. I'll see where it takes me.

 

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@ 02:17 pm

 

 

DUDE THE SYNCHRONICITY IS STARTING UP AGAIN.
I JUST REALIZED TWO THINGS.

One, the USERNAME OF THIS GUY.
For the past 6 years that photo has meant a lot to me personally, and it was one of the main things I associated with 070711 when it happened. AND GUESS WHO ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF THAT EVENT.
Just... it's in parentheses, for heaven's sake, almost like an afterthought. "Oh, by the way..."
I have no idea why I never realized that before.

And then, entirely out of the blue, for heaven knows what reason, I remembered THIS.
First, LOOK AT THE DATE.
Then, take a look at these lines. I am dead serious when I say I am tearing up.
"I love Laurie, though. Honest. She's... almost like a best friend, but far too cruel to truly be one."
Go figure, honestly.
But this is the line that brought me to this entry in the first place.
"Neither of us were 'ourselves' last night... he was a starry black, smaller version of Perfect, and I was a shapeless white form of the same liquid-esque makeup. Apparently I represented "order," fittingly enough."
And then of course, that was one of those "semi-lucid" environments I was just talking about this morning.
"...at one point, I hit semi-lucidity: where you feel aware and present in your mind enough to be lucid, but you don't recognize it as seperate from your current reality... I was standing in a vast, empty black area as I sometimes do, when all of a sudden I felt a hand on my shoulder. Surprised, I turned around and noticed that Chaos was standing there, with one of the most desperately disconnected expressions I've seen on him in a while. And he said something to me then...
"Please, come back. We got so far last night...""

Ouch. The universe is being extra loud today, I see.

Now I'm tempted to ask "wtf was that," but I was honestly just told earlier today, stop asking "what the heck" and start asking "how the heck." So I will!
The reasons why that happened aren't important here. What IS important is the fact that that tiny dream recollection, FROM JULY 7TH 2008, mirrors the current B/W situation, but with different people. Except I was still White, a color I never really held until this past year, and Chaos was in a "starry black" form that was not a Soul Form for obvious reasons.
So how do we use this info? I don't know yet. But it feels hopeful.


Hm. Just realized that the old term of "unhinging" was actually referring to dissociation, too. Laurie was intermittently fronting at the time, but I called it "jumping into my consciousness." Julie's long-term fronting was completely overlooked; I must have thought I was possessed or something for a while. Who knows.
It's creepy though. The entire vibe of these entries is strikingly "not me." It's like reading the words of a stranger. Obviously the red 2008 Jewel, but I never knew her, obviously. Laurie did, Julie did, Lynne and Nathaniel did before they died. And all the Outspacers did.

Why am I wasting time looking at all this old stuff? Am I wasting time? It just feels wrong, looking back at those harsh and angry words that she would regularly burn into cybernetic pages. Red on black, all the time. And now I have a fondness for white on aqua. Go figure, huh?


...I guess now is a good time to reiterate my biggest personal problem, though.
I keep feeling like I am spiritually obligated to let go of headspace, and everyone in it, entirely. Like I should just abandon that entire life, and the past 10+ years, because I no longer need to live that. But is that correct? Or am I being misled?
I've stopped really giving the question thought, as that just gets confusing, but whenever I "follow my heart" on the matter I end up right here. Stuck between being there and not being there. There's no movement in either direction... but the instinctual inclination is NOT to go back to the people I've loved for most of my life... it's to leave, forever.

I'm tired of this. I don't want to deal with headspace today. It's too draining right now.