prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with jasmine

(completely uncensored, brutally triggering & disturbing entry. please be careful.)

So Cupid was out tonight, with his red lights, as he was back in 2011 or whenever.
Remember he was the original "Eros" and holds the "public associations" with that name.

He's highly sexual but he's incapable of lust which is interesting but still problematic, because he doesn't understand how anyone could say no to it as a result.
He's not abusive. But he counts as a lost hacker because his passive coercion is EXACTLY what shoved us into abuse WAY too many times physically, and so even if he "means well" he is absolutely disrespecting the choices of others, and THAT STILL COUNTS AS ABUSE IN MY BOOK.

…that's another thing we need to speak up about. It's another thing we (I?) hated old friends for, if I may be so blunt. Ignorance of boundaries, of "safe space," or things within those lines… because we never spoke up about it out of fear that "we had no right to HAVE objections to anyone else's behavior if they meant well."BULL SHIT.
So miss blank-smiley-face comes out, numb to the hysterical panic she always comes out to muffle, just trying to keep a socially acceptable front while inside we're weeping and the kids are screaming and in the past, we never said a fucking word.
Now Wreckage comes out. Now she fights. Now people are too damn angry with our own past self-neglect and we're refusing to stomp on those gut feelings when they come up.
But… but it's only in negative situations, yet. That's progress, but… but they can still lie, and THAT'S when we get scared and confused.
Cupid comes out, and he's all gentle and solid and loving and giving, BUT he doesn't understand rejection and so he can't understand when people say NO to him.
Chaos always does. Celebi always does. They're the only two he really asks now… I know there were two others in the past, but… one is dead and the other doesn't exist in headspace.
…Cupid was born to try and reconcile our stupidly passionate ardor towards everything with the constant outside social demand that "it HAS to be sexual!!! if you love something that potently it HAS to be sexual!!!!" or even WORSE, even WORSE, and that's the source of so much hatred it's nauseating-- even worse, we get the message that "if you love someone that intimately, it has to be lust."
bull. fucking. shit.
Cupid was at least proof that it isn't.
…But he's also the fear that we still only have that option of expression, something that doesn't even fit, something that doesn't even fucking WORK and even HE dissociates from it!!!!!! What the hell does THAT tell you????!!?

…The sheer amount of symptoms we get from this shit is bad enough.
muscle twitches, headaches, nausea, unease, sorrow/ guilt/ fear, dizziness, clumsiness, body weakness, sweating, anxiety, compulsive crying, chills… the list goes on.
every. damn. TIME.
WHY THE HELL DOES THIS DATA NOT REACH THE CULPRITS????????

I'm sorry. I'm just… channeling all the anger for this shit. "That's my job" and all that. I'm just a mouthpiece for the rage. I have no knowledge of this firsthand and I DON'T WANT IT.

Anyway. As a result I can't talk much about Cupid's experience of all this other than the knowledge that he's terribly lost and confused now that he CAN'T stay half-ignorant and depersonalized, now that people are REFUSING TO LET HIM COERCE THEM. Now Cupid is forced to really look at what the hell he's attempting and WHY people keep refusing to do it, "even though he loves them," and "even though they love him."
That's Cupid's curse. He was born from the false, false, FALSE message delivered with good intentions-- and God help us with that-- telling us that "if you really love someone, if you completely love someone, you have to do that with them, no matter what, eventually."
That's where all the fear-based love-based forcing came from. Isn't that a conundrum?
"I love you so they say we have to do this but I don't like it and it hurts and I'm terrified and no matter how many times I try it never ever EVER works… but I love you and I'm so scared that if I don't do this then my love's not real, it's not complete, it's not complete, even if this feels like shredding me into pieces."

it's bullshit.

Laurie doesn't like us stealing her phrase but now she looks really worried, she's upset that we need that phrase to describe what we're talking about,

she says she's trying to keep her distance from this actual discussion. Says she's a protector, a knight, someone who saves the lost and hurt, not someone who digs through this dirt. Other people can do that job. Laurie would die if she looked at this head-on.
I'm afraid she's been trying too much already, out of fear, out of panic, feeling she's not doing enough, feeling there has to be something more she can do to save people… she's trying too hard, numbing too much out, hurting too badly, and she's slipping REALLY badly and if she's not careful she's going to end up dying, killing herself from the effort. She's already splintering just to cope. That's gotta stop.

…
Tomorrow is therapy. I wonder if we can get someone out to talk about this.
I don't mean the hacks, she knows enough about them.
I mean the roots of WHY they keep happening, the roots even beneath the misleading outside words, the roots that unintentionally feed the fears that bear fruits of self-annihilation and sacrifice "for someone's better good."
even for cupid. it's always that motivation. "they said this could be an expression of love,"
was I ever? did it ever work?
the one time you tried harder than ever, the first damn time you EVER decided to risk every fucking thing JUST to heal this, for the sake of love, for the sake of God and healing and peace,
guess what,
you almost fucking killed yourself.
the pain, the regret, the guilt, the shame, was unbearable,
and why?
because it didn't live up to their fucking promises AT ALL.

and you hated yourself for having ever believed that bullshit,
once you experienced firsthand how inadequate it all was.

yeah, you tried. we all know cupid tried WAY too hard that year, to fix things.
we all know that even after the reset, infinitii was born to keep trying too hard from a different perspective.
there was never any lust in it. there was always too much love in it.
but the problem was that in every single case you forgot you had a body.
it only ever worked on paper.
it only ever worked as a concept.
do you realize this? do you understand this, cupid? jacinth? all you other lost 'hackers?'
do you realize what it means for that term to be applied to you?
"but we're not hacking anyone," he pleads, "but we're not hurting anyone,"
you are.
"but I didn't mean to,"
but you did.
"how? it's not supposed to hurt!"
have you ever fucking felt it yourself?
LOOK at your damn memories!! actually FEEL what the damn BODY is doing for once, get out of your idealized head and FEEL what the hell you're ACTUALLY DOING.
…and he shuts up.
shuts it out.
talk to me, damn it.
(now laurie's watching over my shoulder.)
Kid, talk.
…about what?
About this. Whatever she asked you. Do you realize what you were doing?
…I didn't want to do that.
Uh-huh, and there it is. Well guess what? You did. Can you fucking cope with that?
No.
Now we're blacking out, shit. Overload, get your ass back in here, he's gone.

…What did you do?
Asked him if he realized what he was really doing, which required cognizance of the body. Guess what? Instant fucking dissociation. Can't cope. It's like that with all of them, God damn it, NONE of them can front in the body, not ever, and then they wonder why the hell we're getting trauma flashbacks? Why the hell they're actually perpetuating trauma and don't realize it?
How don't they even realize that they're in the body?
Because they're not. They're totally outside of it, detached from it completely. For Eros, this… wait, no. Eros broke off of that shit. Cupid's the one we're talking about. …
…He's dead, isn't he.
Eros? …Yeah, temporarily. Jay said he won't come back until we fix this, he refuses to get dragged into it again. …Good for him.
…So what's Cupid doing that's perpetuating this?
You said it yourself, kid, he's forgetting that the… whatever the hell he's doing, this drive to "merge" with people or whatever, to express "sensual love" or however it translates for him--
That's the wrong term, it's not 'sensual.'
Yeah, I got that, but it's… close enough? Shit, that's a problem right there, it's going to translate wrong and fuck everything up if we don't find a better word.
Can you define it?...
Me? Fuck no, I-- Sherlock, get in here, define that shit.
Me?
Can you get the data?
I-- let me see. …It's the merge drive, Laurie, just like you said.
Shit.
And it only translates for humans-- average humans-- in a physical context. In a literal sense.
And they told him it "has" to be that way, right?
Right, for religious purposes. You're as well aware of the amount of spiritual research that has gone into this topic as I am, Laurie.
…Yeah, no shit. Too damn much.
Too much indeed, I agree. …Laurie, the head is slipping very badly, do you need anything else from me?
Nah, not until we get our shit together is all. Maybe then we will, maybe then we won't even be talking. But shit, this is why we can't talk about this topic to the therapist, because the brain immediately shuts down.
It can't cope either, Laurie.
…Yeah, I got that. The only people who can semi-cope with this topic are Eros and Cupid and maybe Jay and Infinitii and-- I don't know. But they're all on the wrong fucking topic because the very core of this problem is MISTRANSLATION and… shit.
…?
…We've gotta talk about this with the therapist.
Which part?
The part about… about Jay contributing to this? That's what it keeps pointing to.
What, Jay and Infinitii?
Almost. His splinters, maybe. Adakias? Is that the one?
Who's like Cupid? Maybe, I don't fucking know.
How is he like Cupid?
Well, how else would he fit into this damn topic?
No, I… he's different, I don't know. I can't get this data and my head is fuzzy and breaking and it feels awful and I'm going to scream if I'm not careful.
Then don't, kid, don't stick around if we're getting bad. I might just have to turn this into a data stream and type, running it through people sure as hell isn't working, we can't manage this topic as conversation.

The main concern with mistranslation currently, the roots we previously mentioned, are the religious/spiritual motivation behind sexuality/sensuality/ what have you.
Jay holds this the most, shockingly, because he has no inclination towards anything even vaguely sexual or sensual, at least not in his purest form. He does splinter somewhat, to sharper prismed forms, and his most common one is the one which he takes when he interacts with daemons. This is a common side of Jay-- the one that gets confused more than anyone else, arguably, but secondhandedly.
This splinter of Jay, which has no name of its own because it's so close to his true self, is terrifically "sensual" but not in a sensual way? Hence the mistranslation. "Sensuality" for us is cerise in color, all curves and velvet and low lights, warm and soft but deep and NO sharpness anywhere, which sexuality has. Sexuality is neon pink and orange and it's too sharp, like hot needles, and it hurts and it's tangled and fast like static in the head, all noise and confusion, and no one likes it because it turns your consciousness off and just gives you headaches and sickness.
Anyway. Jay's daemon-state disposition is not either of those things.

Let's categorize a little, for the sake of clarity.
Jay is into spiritual cardiophagy and melting/ shifting of form, all very "teeth sinking into cloud" feeling, very precise and intimate and deep but thick as far as sensation data goes? It's all sparkle-white in color, that or deep black, but still with iridescence in it. (The whole legit heart-connection core feeling has that sparkly rainbow color to it.) But it's the exact opposite of density; it's all so light and floaty and unbearably clear at times, like a spotlight shining through glass. Like a prism, fittingly.
Eros is a lighter Cerise than the one "sensuality" is defined as, something clearer like saturated glass. He's tied to close platonic intimacy, the kind that most people would never define as "platonic" solely because of how close it is, but there is NO romance or romantic overtones to his vibe. This seems ironic because Eros loves the aesthetic of "romantic" environments although he takes that motivation out of them entirely. He's similar to Jay in that he loves everything but Jay's love is more sparkly and crystalline, whereas Eros's is deeper and richer. It's very hard to put into words. Neither of them deal with sensual things in the way it is traditionally defined, though. No touching, no flirting, no romance. None at all.
Cupid is the darker richer cerise we described earlier, 100%. He resonates most strongly with Christmas lights and plush robes and blankets. He almost always only comes out in the winter. He's highly dangerous because he still uses sexuality BUT he's actually ignorant of what sex actually is, using it only as an "applied concept" that "matches what he feels," except it doesn't actually and that's slowly starting to sink in with him, again due to him being forced to be aware of his actions and mostly-programmed motivations.
Jacinth is tied to sexuality, not sensuality, because everything she feels hurts and she's almost always depersonalized to terrible extremes. She exists to sacrifice herself for the "ideal lie" that was sold to her, to sell herself to those she views as innocent and loving and pure enough to be sacrificed to, but she annihilates all self-awareness in the process and focuses only on those girls.
Azalea is pure sexuality in an introjected sense, the "girls act like this" terrifying shit that somehow got into our psyche, the homogenous teenage-girl aesthetic and behavior that we only ever associated with sexual abuse. She is that, more explicitly and horrifyingly than anyone else in the System.
Anna is adult female sexuality in the "passive" sense, which scares us to DEATH and we can't even think about her. She's the "receptive woman" stereotype but she's purely toxic and terrifying and Simeon is scared to death of her because she's just like the other one.
Sharona is adult female sexuality in the "dominant woman" stereotype which means that she will make you sleep with her because "she likes it" or some bullshit. She's the internalized toxic edge of the "a real woman is sexually independent and ferocious" crap we've heard in pieces but the problem is, inside she also holds the introjection of past teachings, which means she's focused on making our children allosexual because "that'll make you a REAL man/woman" or whatever the hell.
Jezebel torments us by spitting sexual innuendo and phrases and accusations all the time, but the more we talk to her the more we realize she doesn't give a shit about that stuff. The real Jezebel, the one rooted into Black, actually isn't sexual at all and just uses that crap to torture others.
Jessica is sexual in the way the family and public always wanted her to be, "enjoying" it however the hell she does, but one weird thing about her data is that she has no interest in other people. She's entirely autosexual. She's attracted to herself and honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone else. Which is disturbing and bizarre but true.
There's another "Jezebel" that's Brown and has the short spiky hair, and she's also autosexual but she's the one who is, for lack of a better term, a slut. She's hypersexual and disgustingly promiscuous and she treats our body like a toy. She's THE MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she has no conscience and cannot be reasoned with.

Those are all the main people tied to this, for good and for ill.

As for all the other hackers, lost and otherwise… you know what, let me type about that too, because we never have and the therapist could use this data.
Going from the System List on this blog…

Bridget and Missy haven't been out for a very very long time, and are possibly dead. They only ever worked as accomplices to Julie when she was corrupted, essentially "holding her victims down" while she did whatever. The two never individually acted as hackers, only ever as a group.
"The stripper" rarely ever appears but she's an adult woman in the same vein as Anna and Sharona. Her color is Red and she has a very one-track mind, performing lascivious acts for an "audience," and surprisingly never really "into it" herself if that makes sense? I don't understand sexual motivations or thoughts, maybe she has those, but there's no emotional ties or actual feelings. She's just performing, for the sake of riling people up, and objectifying herself. She has no real sense of self either; as far as she's concerned she exists solely to dance on a pole as lewdly as possible until her job is done. Then she stops existing.
"The Lesbian" only ever came out on the porch in the past, during the summers, and she was an absolute introject of the "chubby Tumblr lesbian" aesthetic that we kept getting shoved down our throats in the name of "sexual freedom" or whatever the hell it was. (No offense to those people and their lives; we're just furious that we introjected it as "you were born with a female body and part of you was semi-attracted to women so you have no other choice but to be like THIS.") Anyway we think she only existed to try and "mimic" those people, so she had shallow roots and only ever came out in the wake of other hackers like Jessica and Jezebel.
Jasmine is HOPEFULLY DEAD because she was terrifying. She was an introject of the "pagan sexuality" thing we had shoved on us by both our mother and the internet, the whole idea of "born female = inherently sexual" fused with "nature is female and therefore inherently sexual" (again, no idea where this came from or how mangled it got), and that all mutated into a very ugly mindset of "nature itself requires that you offer yourself up to it sexually as a woman" and the real killer was that this was done with a SMILE. that was the curse of the spiritual aspect, the sick good-girl flat willingness to "do whatever God wanted" (which Christina personifies), which here basically turned into Jasmine existing to do nothing but sexualize both nature and herself. She was HORRIBLY DANGEROUS because she kept trying to convert people and I'm not sure but she MIGHT have actually hacked someone personally??? I don't know but either way she's gone, for now at least and hopefully forever. She only ever comes out in the summer so we'll need to put up heavy safeguards until then just in case.

The Tar and Plague don't actually ever hack people in and of themselves; they're raw congealed negative energy and it's only when they work through an alter or headvoice that problems and danger happen.
By itself, the Tar is just maniacal rage and destruction and screaming, and it will torment everyone just to torment them. It lives to destroy things wantonly, to attack physically and without conscience.
By itself, the Plague is calcified apathy and pride and hate, and it attacks people more through words and lies, through psychological manipulation. It will lead you to hell and then just strand you there.

Cleaver has nothing to do with sexuality. They rarely ever appear at all, but as far as we're aware they're the lingering split from Razor (her sister, technically) that still likes cutting meat in a very dangerous sense. They are the outlet for childlike single-minded sheer red violence. No mania, no fury, just a sort of slasher-smile obsession with sinking knife blades into people's backs.
The "child" is actually "the pedophile" but she's so disturbingly bizarre that we don't like talking about her. She is a personification of our own collective experience of being sexually objectified in our childhood, thank God never explicitly, but it was often and clear enough to leave scars. She's also badly lost because, being inherently tied to childhood, she holds SOME VERY IMPORTANT ROOTS of our being wrongfully taught that our desperate young needs for intimacy and closeness and affection were sexual, because we couldn't get any of those things in non-sexual contexts, which is heartbreaking and disgusting but it's what she holds, and it's why she can only comprehend sexuality in a childhood context. For her, adults are "scary and smelly and disgusting" and she appears incapable of even comprehending adults, let alone adulthood itself. For her, sexuality IS those childhood drives, except wrongfully applied to literal sex, and as a result she doesn't understand adult sexuality either. So although she does pursue sexuality in a way too young age group-- remember, for us, even teenage girls were viewed as abusers (thanks to Julie's original self) and so the only "safe" people were 13 or younger… the same age as we were when this happened. But the bottom line with this girl is that in the end she's only ever looking for fulfillment of a need so intense and unfulfilled, a need to just be close to another human being, to EXPRESS love and affection for once in our life, to feel wanted and loved… but in her experience, in our experience, the closest facsimile we got to any of that was through sexuality, through Julie, before we even hit high school. So it's a wreck. She's very very complicated but very very important because of all this shit tangled up in her existence.
The Androgyne is someone that only ever interacted with Laurie, and their role was similar to Jacinth's in that they existed for self-sacrifice, but they had a sense of self (which Jacinth does not) and THEIR motivation was a spiritual teaching that bored into our head-- essentially, "when you have sex with someone, your energies temporarily fuse. so don't have sex with anyone you don’t want to become." and this kid, who took the "androgyne" name and manifestation both because that was the "spiritual ideal" and they couldn't imagine being anything else, took that teaching to heart in reverse, and was born from the mindset of "I should only have sex with people I want to become." take this and apply it to a damaged, ruined, battered sense of self and suddenly it becomes obligatory, desperate: "I need to have sex with good people so that I become like them." there was no lust in it at all, just a sort of driving hopeless mission, a last-ditch effort to heal in a totally twisted way, through destruction of one's own self and the absorption of someone else's. literally, the androgyne's motivation was to stop existing and become someone else, someone GOOD. so at the most basic level, all they wanted was to die, for their ugly tortured past to die with them, and for someone they chose as utterly perfect to take over their life instead, therefore "redeeming them." it's impossible and a broken assumption, but this kid never considered that.
"The Scientist" is another deadly fronter who, admittedly, may be one of my splinters. I'm the one who types about sheer data, like this. I'm related to Sherlock but I'm faceless so I don't have that getting in the way of my impersonal deliverance of facts. The Scientist, on the other hand, is me broken into a "testing" phase, a mindset of "gathering every bit of data we can about this," which apparently results in hacks? I am not responsible for them and actually find it difficult to find data on it, possibly due to my ties to it, so this is preventing me getting infected. The bottom line is, The Scientist has no sense of right or wrong, only of observation and testing of hypotheses, and they have been responsible for several "flat hacks" solely for the sake of "figuring out what is actually happening here." Such 'testing' is unnecessary and cruel and even thinking about such behavior is making me nauseous, I'm sorry.
"Fogbank" is the infamous "flat fronter" who has a vibe and appearance shockingly similar to Ashen, which in a way is not surprising. She exists solely to depersonalize. She is ruled by a dense apathy forged through crushing depression and the inability to cope with reality, so she is incapable of actually feeling any emotion. She comes out whenever the situation gets too dire, and the brain needs to "shut down," or at least prevent anyone from fronting or talking that would "make the pain/ fear/ panic/ shame/ etc. worse." As the experiences that created her were exactly of that format, she automatically is summoned to prevent them from ever happening again. She has INCREDIBLY POWERFUL FRONTING RIGHTS and she is almost impossible to switch out-- the only way to bypass her is to completely check out of awareness, effectively doing a "soft reset" of consciousness by removing everyone from fronting and withdrawing all consciousness from the body. This allows us to re-enter awareness with enough forgetfulness of the previous situation and/or a stable enough fronter to prevent Fogbank from being triggered again immediately.
"Lace Braids" is another very rare fronter, who nevertheless was out enough times to merit mention. She was a passive abuse receiver, one who only ever appeared in "morning hacks," due to fitting the "innocent good girl" aesthetic that the early morning dizziness/ vulnerability matched well enough. Again, her existence is a huge red flag because she's about fourteen at most, wearing two brown braids and wearing a lacy one-piece summer dress, something like a long camisole. She is sexualized innocence as an alter, and the fact that she exists in a half-asleep state is EXTREMELY upsetting because she therefore exists just to take what's forced on her with a gauzy smile, running on programmed emotions, feeling the way she was told to feel and believing it entirely, because she doesn't have a sense of self to compare against it. She doesn't have the capacity to question her situation because she's not entirely conscious SO SHE CAN SURVIVE IT.
Moxie is a damaged child and she is NOT a hacker but a victim. Unlike David, Marigold, and Simeon, Moxie has actually felt abuse and, as usual (an awful phrase), it's been at the hands of adult female hackers, who manipulated her into thinking that "this is what mommy does when she loves you" and where the HELL did we introject that from,
the bottom line is, she's like ten or eleven, we see this same forced childhood sexuality in the leagueworlds now because this damaged part of our psyche doesn't know how else to think and THAT is something we need to tell the therapist about, tomorrow.
Ashen is the last one. She's about 14, tops. She took all the Julie abuse, that we can tell. She was the first one to be explicitly ravaged in that sense and it shattered her absolutely, and deep down, that part of our psyche, that young part that became her broken heart, never ever healed.
She's convinced that's she's broken forever, totally and hopelessly and in such a way that she's worthless, and that agonizing despair paved the way for so much self abuse, especially the non-sexual self-loathing alters like the indigo Jessica and all the eating-disorder people and all that… it's a mess.
But Ashen took the worst of it, more than anyone. She suffered this before it made any sense, before we even attempted to cope, before we started to splinter and split and further introject abusers in desperate mangled attempts to survive. Ashen was the first, and she has more scars than anyone.

so tomorrow's topic is.
start healing the childhood-sexualization that we experienced and perpetuated through confusion and sadness and fear, and
figure out what the heck to do with this stuff cupid keeps perpetuating, which is an offshoot of the above topic, but applied to adulthood now that people like jay experience real dedicated love with SUCH passion behind it that everyone outside tells us it has to be sexual, or even worse that it MUST be sexual for RELIGIOUS reasons,
religion and sexuality are fused in our headspace, have we ever told her that before?
that’s one hell of an interesting but heartbreakingly frustrating topic, it's what jay is tied to intimately, it's something that's still dear to our hearts despite terrifying us and confusing us and we WANT to talk about it but there are no words for it and the words people are giving us are WRONG.

there's that statue of saint teresa though, the one right on our alternate blog, and it's EXACTLY what goes on in heart connections, jay says he knows exactly what that is like,
that's what this is about, that's what we need,
but it's metaphysical.

and all these poor children are just looking for something here on earth and they're not getting it but they're being lied to and they're so damn trusting they figure that's better than nothing I guess.

god this is awful.
but at least we made some progress in knowledge today.

now if you'll excuse us. we have to get up early tomorrow, and we're so tired from today that we're falling asleep standing up, so good night.

september 17th.

things of today:

- new mesita song. I swear it's about laurie. it's fantastic. https://soundcloud.com/mesita/bethelight

- tox gave me a respirator (in heartspace) with crosses on it. it keeps me from breathing in bad things around me/us and inside, when they try to do that. that's a huge help

- guess who said hello to me during exercise today? HOSEA. man i MISS that dude, i love him lots. he was dreaming about flying around his native city and sharing the "data" with me. i kept getting lost on all the barrel rolls and somersaults, haha. upside down always confuses my brain. but not all of them threw me off! so it was really cool to feel the flips. and the freedom, the joy, was so nice. i need to reach out to the headspace-talker leagueworld people more often, besides preludove and my boss of course. i love them all.

- we got a $5 gift card for kmart and minty kind of wants a tiny care bear (to be a safe thing that we carry) so we'll go look for one tomorrow.

- spent the past 4 days or longer working on LG*GIRLS of all things. that series has almost no development yet but I'm hoping to get it to talk, with this new attention. still ironing out the color combos (there's ONE repeated combo I have to fix, and one of the blues might be swapped for a lime green, meaning even MORE revisions) but we're almost done. after this I can get this next shirt done, haha. it's for this series, so!

- cel is ticked off at jasmine, said she does NOT want what jasmine wants, does not approve, said the forest does not approve either, that's why so many "synchronicities" happen to STOP HACKERS when they front. but yeah cel is NOT letting anyone use her, thank god. I was so worried, for a while she was so confused and hurt too.

- laurie and I were wondering if maybe nathaniel could be a sort of "trump card" for us against the "fear seeding hackers," the ones that are trying to turn the forest into a trigger, yes that is blasphemously brazen. but nathaniel is sheer compassion, and tied to the woods, so maybe HE can heal that gut-deep anxiety, if cel can't do so completely.

- therapy today, planning to go to sheppard pratt in the VERY near future because the family/home environment has recently become utterly, maniacally toxic. our stress level is currently a big raw rubbery red thing, something awful like a tumor hanging in the air, buzzing right in the middle of our vision. it's horrid. so we need to get somewhere safe, to heal, to focus on US.

- therapist wants us to sit down and actually think about how our treatment as a child affected us. we were trying to express how stressed we were and she asked us about how the mother treated us and our biological siblings, how did our siblings interact with us, etc. I gave her what sparse vague data we had, it was shocking how little there was, but then I admitted in surprise that "I've never even thought about how her behavior in our childhood affected us now," esp. our subconscious instincts. the therapist said we should do that over the weekend then, it should shed light on a lot.

- brother is still paranoid, vibe of entitled superiority is still making me very uncomfortable, but I swear he IS "waking up" even so and the experiences he's having are AMAZING and I just wish he would actually TALK to us. he never does and that's sad in a way; we might not "know who he is" really but it feels like we could still have a rapport with him, we could learn a lot from each other's experiences. still that's somewhat hypocritical. we admitted that we "can't be honest with anyone" UNLESS we completely introduce them to the basics of headspace. that's us, that's our soul, we cannot possibly tell the truth if "we" are trying to appear neurotypical. the alters in charge of maintaining that mask are so shallow and programmed too. darn good at "playing the game," but there's no substance, no personality behind it. and if you test it that becomes very obvious very fast, BUT then we come out because we were there the whole time, just completely buried by the fakey fronters. so we really want to try to get to that point of honesty with at least him soon. its just that sometimes he scares us for some reason, we're actually afraid to be around him? but it's a "child fear." I wonder what its roots are, and/or who is specifically feeling it. we'll have to see.

- mother's boyfriend "finally" kicked her out of his house, after 6 years? they fight all the time, their relationship is upsettingly immature and manipulative and really just highly unhealthy. I asked the mother why she stayed with him for so long if she couldn't stand him and she said "I needed somewhere to hide," specifically from my grandmother, as those two have this bizarre sort of viciously bitter passive-aggressive vendetta against each other. it's sad and I want to see it healed but I'll admit, again, when I'm unconscious and therefore "social" I can just parrot either of their arguments depending on "what is conversationally expected." see the problem, neurotypical behavior doesn't give a darn about morality. anyway yeah no idea what's going to happen now, with both the mother and brother now back in this house I fear what the atmosphere is going to be like…. but we'll manage. we can use this as an opportunity to be a brighter light than ever before, to be as centered as we possibly can, to practice patience and forgiveness and charity. that's how we have to deal with this.

- there was a hack today. one of the infamous "60 seconds and you're dead" ones apparently. they went through infi and ze was sobbing, apparently it came out of nowhere and coincided with blackout/ time loss and it's just a mess.

- …lately laurie has not been coping with this well. she's shredded emotionally. last night the full breadth of all this hit her and she just started wailing, it was the most heartwrenching thing I've ever heard, it split me in half.

- this evening, she went full-out destroyer, embracing her black energy resonance and picking up her gold-edged axe and absolutely booming with thunder and huge crackles of violet lightning. she looked like some sort of furious divine thing. I clearly remember seeing lynne and jo looking at her with awestruck fear and lynne saying "what is she," jo saying "maybe she's what we all can become"

- lynne warned laurie about getting lost in that griefstricken rage, laurie took out the angel helmet and put it on? vibe changed totally to a sort of victoriously peaceful integrity? hard to put into words. like she knew that no matter what the hackers did they could NOT affect our soul, they would NEVER win, and yet she also would not stand for their behavior at all, but she wouldn't be ruled by violence about it either.

- she took the helmet off and was so obviously drained from all this that she just went back to central, sat down, she was shaking terribly. I noticed all her bandages were getting seeped with blood and I panicked inside, I was so scared for her, I loved her, but there was this horrendous ice wall in my chest and it was trying to numb me out. I "detached" it from my psyche and sure enough it "personified" into one of the tar-girls, that hellish peach girl who is the WORST hacker, but who only recently got a face. laurie saw her and her eyes turned to ire and she stood up and just berated this hacker, to the point where they actually started "glitching out" from fear instability, but then infinitii showed up in monster-mode and basically crushed them to white dust. seconds later though infi melted back to normal and was so obviously distraught, ze just held out her arms and laurie actually ran to hir, fell to her knees and embraced hir, and the two of them just cried.

- infi put an arm out to me and gave me a look, so I went over to them too. I know I needed it, for catharsis. but the pain from the two of them, and in me, was unbearable. laurie was weeping and that feels like a gold sword driven straight through my chest, it's the worst pain but it drives me to such tears, I started sobbing too and for a moment she stopped and looked at me with the most empathetic shock, then put an arm around my shoulders and brought me closer in to the group.

- knife was around here, lynne and jo were too but they were standing off by the windows. knife was in tears and he was so upset about laurie bleeding, he wanted to heal her but he was trembling and crying and laurie turned and hugged him too, trying to comfort him a little (by this point she wasn't such a wreck outwardly). I remember her saying "I love you, man" and he just hugged her tighter.

- infi's probably going to end up sharing the bed with cz and I tonight and I do not mind. ze needs the comfort that cz radiates and frankly I'd feel awful not giving them comfort and company after what happened this evening.

- aspects. of people. forgot to mention this. it's not "alters have alters," it's more like… the only comparison I can think of is how in hinduism, gods have many "forms?" like how shiva has so many different iterations, but they are all the same deity. well a similar thing can happen to more complex headvoices, who have roles that are nevertheless very specific, vitally so. like laurie and i. yes splintering happens but that's different-- that's when something damages our anchor and needs to break off before it breaks us? an "aspect" is different. the example I want to give is how I have these well-known subtle visual differences, that alter my entire personal vibe and attitude. like my "snowflake" form has a totally different way of behaving and seeing the world than my "confetti" one, or my "prism" one. laurie seems to have at least three "forms" too? maybe? even if they're just now developing. that storm-space destroyer form, and then her two common ones-- the "fierce protector" one that she started out as, and then the softer more chill one that she's usually in now. again, always her, no matter what. but her ENTIRE vibe shifts totally from one state to another. now I bring this up because, for me, being a core, I can indeed get tangled up in residual memories from other past cores, etc. and with personal interactions this can get very confusing. long story short I've realized that in order to function properly around different people inside, I CANNOT stay in the same form, it's just not working. hence all the dissociation I've been getting inside. but yes, apparently my MOST stable form right now in an emotional sense is OLDER, like legit older than the body, I feel like… closer to 40, like that. but it's such a beautiful vibe, it's a solid feeling, but with a lighter feather edge than I have younger; younger forms are all bright and pastel soft… this older form is like brushed silver. it's so lovely to be. and that's the form that allows me to function WITHOUT dysphoria or misattributed memories or fear, around cz. so yeah. that's significant. around infinitii I'm basically a white-feathered semi-anthropomorphized version of proginoskes. dead serious. I'm just all eyes and wings, with mouths on my back mostly, and starry black blood, and a tendency to be serpentine instead of having legs. so you get the idea. this feels like my "white energy" version of jewel's "link shifts," where she could literally join ANY world she entered, so to speak, she could adjust almost effortlessly to who she "would have to be to BE there." I can't do that, but she can't do this? yeah we both have morphs (cherubell, infinite, etc.) but that's a whole different thing too. geez I need to add all this to our glossary soon.

- speaking of infinite forms, "infinite" is allegedly the name of infi's face-mouth form? and "eternos" is the name of hir white/pink form. again, shifting. this explains a lot with cz too, I think. except HIS issue is that when he first anchored to headspace, I think his anchor SPLINTERED OFF and that aqua-hue, mouth-fulla-teeth, sleek and snarky self of his is a SEPARATE PERSON than the "canon base" guy I spend all MY time with. the previous jewels knew the aqua one. and yes they ARE confirmed separate people, physically so; it's just a very unusual situation because he's just naturally chaotic as far as this is concerned, pun obviously intended. but I love him, all of him. I might not know his other "selves" yet, but like I said, a lot of people in here do, so might just have to step into some data records and feel that stuff, get acquainted with the past that way.

- all right now one of infi's fave songs came up on spotify ("all of me" by john legend, actually) and I'm tired and we should really get some sleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@7:46 AM

some notes about yesterday-- i forgot them last night but it's early so i need to at least list them somewhere:

ADD TO ENTRY=

- spyro 2! found the cd. play it and write about how it affects us; location-wise i never realized how hugely influential it was on both headspace and the leagueworlds
- sylvain fronting in kmart briefly, looking for minty's care bears, triggered someone "fitting for the context" (a child). surprisingly solid when he blinked in, peaceful mind
- btw where are our jewel monster fronters, make sure nothing messes with THEIR minds
- chocoloco lately, esp. with the spikes-- he's now growing them to "give" to people to eat instead of breaking less expendable parts of himself off (which he used to). his blood is molten??? got a glimpse of his insides, reminded me of dragonheart in that it glowed, orangey red. seemed liquidish. really unusual.
- did anyone talk about nexus??? laurie's really disturbed by hir existence; they don't talk to us much but when they do it's highly upsetting.
- is triad still alive? or was ze a misinterpretation of a splinter or something?
- "brown haired" angry fronter? NOT overload? long hair. showing up more often now, flipping off the mother, her anchor is way too brunt and huge, who is she really
- wtf happened to overload btw did they fuse? is she hiding?
- spice, esp. the kissing thing (to stop people from dissociating and buying/eating tar food), it WORKS. also forging an amusing but really sweet closeness between her and all the main fronters who are open to that.
- also it's her birthday today HAPPY BIRTHDAY eat something nice for her
- conflict with me not being out, I think I mentioned, but there is SO much time loss it's scary
- manic singers in cars. genesis is irate, stopping them.
- ruby doesn't count as a manic i dont think? when she sings it's always alone. it's fun and energetic and can SEEM manic because of the childish exuberance of it, but the key of manics is that they are OUTSIDE-ORIENTED and full of almost violent nervous energy. not so with ruby. so that's a relief, that's good.
- yes zwei is still alive! she's mostly moved into heartspace but she can still front/sing and she isn't negative.
- horrible peachy-colored hacker, long hair. behavior is atrocious, disgusting mindsets. but she has ROCK SOLID BODY ROOTS and that is both hideously nauesating and existentially terrifying. is she that old???????
- she is NOT the same as the lime-haired one from that horrible horrible xanga last week. the two are both twisted as hell but at least the limey one feels vaguely redeemable (her motivations are severely distorted). the fleshtone one does NOT.
- btw WHATS WITH THE LONG HAIR? why do most of the hackers look the SAME, like the body did when it was about 16-17???? does that have anything to do with the "jacob years???" i.e. late high school, the job/relationship puppet time period. I feel so bad that kid got unintentionally tied to such nonsense but check the time period data regardless. photos DO seem to match up and that DOES make me want to vomit until i cry but that's stress dude. it's awfully distressing.
- in a notable exception, jezebel likes the short hair, and her earrings, which the mother now has. but she's terrifying still, her hold on the body is WAY too potent, can we change that?

- an hour with infi last night. intimate-context cardiophagy. dear heaven. please write about that.
- that only works with infi btw. soul form problem?? can't reach one with hir, possibly because ze is made OF that stuff essentially?? so the resonance kind of internalizes, can get huge without causing physical mutations in that specific respect? like it's too broad, too massive, the orderly "soul form" phenomenon doesn't happen with infi because it's resonating like a bell in a church hall, not a little one you're holding in your hand. space-wise. does that make sense?
- weird merge drive shift too. not sure how to put that into words, or if someone already has. unique, blood-based??? possibly due to the literal "this person is part of my soul" thing. but very interesting. can be dangerous though, if looked at wrong. unsurprisingly
- xenophon, how in the world is she almost 5. she feels like she's getting older, it's doing weird things to my heart. still calls me "dad," calls cz her "father," is that accurate?? see if you can talk to the aqua cz, get a name. see if perfect is still separate in any way; normal cz shifted INTO him lately out of despair remember
- ^ memory issues, time gaps, still thinking 2012 was "last year," dishonored autumn sticking out as its entire own time period (gorgeous btw, READ DUNE AGAIN). seriously the entire october-december time period last year is a time-bubble of its own. anaesthesia shook us up i think. maybe hormones shifting the body awareness irreversibly too. who knows. anyway that's a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC so sit down and look at what data we have accessible inside, then READ what we wrote to fill in the inevitable gaps.
- also kind of shocked but amazed because apparently xenophon is legit a jewel monster, or is at least "becoming one" as it were; she's showing a LOT of indisputable signs. still no confirmed locked-in power jewels yet but it feels like they're developing strongly. it'll happen.
- mr sandman being SO clear when he talks to me, the hand-face thing, all the little lines in his hands, profoundly comforting
- remember laurie crying because of how I described "hacks," the term refers to the fact that they're basically mental/emotional/spiritual rape, shoved into the physical, through manipulation and lies and outright forcing. it's entirely nonconsensual but they HIDE. like a computer hacker.
- laurie realizing that her heartbroken states can split right through my glacier walls and she is using that to her full advantage. she kissed me for like… 15 seconds last night. all at once. it was numinous

btw

work a bit more on the akuna art trade please, dont be paranoid or perfectionistic, just do your best.

read those library books they go back monday. especially a wind in the door again because of personal relevance.

check the psych ward sites, we need to decide on dc or maryland for monday?

DRAW. just in general. heal the artists.
you have a fair amount of empty sketchbooks, USE THEM.
also, we NEED to start that webcomic, no matter how shoddy it may feel at first. we can do it.

thoughts as of this morning.

- family has a bad habit of saying "no" to me when i ask to do things i enjoy, esp. with helping, because they think they're "doing me a favor." so i get a lot of smiling good-intentioned denial or outright forbiddance (often behind my back) from doing things i would really like to do. "oh no honey, i'll do that!" or "i already did that so you dont have to!" after ive told them multiple, multiple times that it would mean a lot to me TO do that thing. they still shake their heads and insist "no, you're wrong, I'll do it to save you the trouble." so then i get realm damn confused over what i like or dont like, AND whether liking things at ALL is problematic, since they keep insisting it's trouble or something.
- this feeds into the "i don't deserve anything good" programming from childhood, which is linked to "if you have something good then yo're depriving a family member of the same," which is then tied into "self-care is selfish," which in turn feeds into a whole bloody laundry list of problems, unsurprisingly... notably the eating disorder ("i am only allowed to eat scraps or what other people have rejected")
- on that note that seems to affect two of my bro. lightning hides everything of himself from everyone-- his art, his accomplishments, his opinons, etc. are all buried and he gets angry and upset when people demand he share it. but he's also very softspoken and appears timid until that switch is flipped and he explodes. that makes a lot of sense to me, its pressurized maybe. but viral infamously had this thing for years where he wouldnt let himself smile or laugh, he would actually beat himself up for laughing at jokes, he was ashamed of it. he's over that now. i'm not.
- and thats what hit me again this morning. last night we wrote, "why do we save good things for last," and they often then get swept under the rug or forgotten? i think, subconsciously, that's the actual intent. because i woke up this morning and remembered that someone wrote about the javier thing, about that affection, and the immediate response from somewhere inside was "you fcking whore." and the hatred raged. there is still so much searing hatred directed towards anything like that, anything "close" or softer or personally notable like that. there is also unforgiving rage directed towards anything & everything that gets associated with a manic state, usually music and media. this is why we dont listen to music in cars anymore. songs that we love get tainted almost irreversibly the instant a manic fronter starts dancing or singing along to them, (like the fcking mother, that bitter angry voice spits). it's scary because it's hard to extricate them from that loathing afterwards. very hard. some songs are never the same again.
- but that, THAT, is truly the root problem, sabotaging everything. no one will ever heal as long as we believe that healing is, in and of itself, selfish and manipulative and proud and spiteful. as long as we believe healing is harmful, in that respect, then the self-abuse will perpetuate, in whatever form, because the self-abuse is being viewed as the lesser evil.
- this is probably also why no matter how many times laurie begs people not to give in to hacks, it doesnt seem to stick, because the self-hatred says "well i'm shit anyways so i deserve to be treated like it," and the hack-induced relationship paranoia says "well if you care about me and i reciprocate that, then i'm being a selfish whore, so i can't." it is ASININE but it is EXACTLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
- bottom line is, i dont want javier to suddenly have a mark on his head. i dont want him to be the new target of murderous intent because he dared to get involved in the poly-group thing, which many negs inside label as "the ultimate evil," due to being a relationship. context doesn't fcking matter. if there's closeness of any sort, it becomes "evil." which is shit, but there is such potent fear tied to seeing it otherwise... it lets the condemnation occur. there is crushing terror tied to saying it might not be evil, because that ties into the demonic ladder again, "if you say that's not evil, then you're ultimately saying that everything in the context of a relationship is not evil, therefore if someone rapes or molests you, it's your own fault." and then we think we "asked for it," or worse that we "SHOULD have asked for it," and its bullshit and i cannot BELIEVE how tied this is to SLC, what the hell, WHY is that collective experience so strongly tied to abuse, dam
- this is a mess i will have to make a coherent list of it later.
- we do need to have a xanga about this. force it if we have to, because there are a LOT of negs sabotaging the xanga efforts for the above reasons, also "it's stupid and fake" even when it obviously is not. but if we have a xanga then maybe we can try to work this out in real time. nasty people get triggered in those situations so that could teach us a lot too. they dont talk to anyone otherwise.

i think this is going to be our therapy topic today.
now if you dont mind i desperately need to lie down. i only got 3 hours of sleep and ive already had to drive at least 15 miles today. so its not safe to drive another 30 with therapy, with no sleep. we dont want to shut down on the road.

see you later this evening.

-----------------------------------------------------------

@3:11 PM

HOLY SMOKES HUGE RELIGIOUS REVELATIONS TODAY.

we really have been led down the wrong path and I am so, so, so sorry

I really am sorry. we've been told this sort of thing before. but this is just more paper on the evidence pile, more solidity behind the proof.

jasmine is one of the WORST hackers for this purpose
thank god she appears to be gone.

jacinth was second place,

THIS IS WHY THEY KEEP TARGETING CEL/ CELEBI???
(worshipping nature and sex; "creation instead of creator")

remember the sex=short circuit thing. it's BLOWING YOUR FUSES OUT.
laurie SAW that, remember??? and chaos knows it too.
SO DO YOU, IT REALLY FCKING HURTS, REMEMBER???

"man cannot save himself," following christ versus being christ, ANTICHRIST

thursday=
virtually no early recollection outside of some dim awareness of therapy
I think that morning was the quadruple-rape nightmare? with the FAMILY.
very disturbing, probably why we don't remember this day at all
lots of nightmares lately in any case. almost all family-based.
i am aware though that genesis is getting royally pissed whenever we drive lately
he realizes just how quickly and easily we go into "performance mode" whenever there is ANY exposure to the public, i.e. "there are people around, we MUST entertain them" etc.
rules: keep the windows rolled UP when in town. do NOT play music around other cars. do NOT talk out loud in a car. he's very strict and angry about it because he sees just how fast slippage happens. so the rules are, minimize that risk, until we no longer feel the horrible "obligatory snapback" that causes us to dissociate into that behavior mode.
that night, cel and jacinth.
very telling? we've been trying to track down this kid for YEARS, turns out they ONLY come out in specific situations, cel somehow got them out.
going to have to review stuff in hindsight now.
long story short cel confronted them, I have no clue what they were talking about or doing? I'll have to see if it's on records, there are only vague location blurs. the clearest is them outside, under the cherry tree, in a thunderstorm. cel is hugging jacinth and sobbing "I love you, I love you, but I don't want this, please don't make me do this." and jacinth just has that blank mad look, the one that all numb negs get, the look that says "I exist to do that thing you don't want me to do," as well as "I feel nothing so even if I don't really "want" it either I don't "reject" it" and "I don't want to be self-aware, stop and just follow the script."
all I know is that at some point jacinth left, and cel was holding chaos and sobbing, and telling him how sad she was, how confused and hurt she was, how she wishes this could have been so different.
but this means there's another hacker gone. jasmine is gone since the retributors called her out on her shit. the androgyne is gone since laurie showed hir what ze was doing. and now jacinth is gone, now that cel made her just as strongly aware of what she was actually doing.
cel was crying though. "I loved her, but she was never actually there." told chaos it was heartbreakingly awful, knowing that you loved the soul of a person, their spark, but never really seeing that shine because they were too dead inside, they were too numb, they were too willingly ignorant or self-hating. and jacinth refused to become a person, she wanted only to exist in her programming, she DIDN'T WANT self-awareness. so when she was forced to get it, she left, just like so many of the other hackers.
I think it's notable that when Julie was faced with bitter, caustic self-awareness of that sort, SHE DIDN'T RUN but accepted what she learned, begrudgingly perhaps, but she WANTED TO CHANGE. I think she is literally the ONLY hacker to have made that choice in that situation, instead of choosing to die with their old viewpoint, or whatever is happening with these people.
hope that makes sense. it's important.
we are fighting back big time again now, and we're realizing that we have more power than any of us realized. we're realizing they never had power over us at ALL.

friday=
no memory of morning.
evening: found a bit of art motivation online, helped with willpower and confidence. somewhat upsetting though because it's like "why do so many good artists draw porn". not wanting to associate with that whatsoever.
later, jay (?) sacrificing his life for others again
chaos found out first, heartbroken, "stop giving everything of you to me"
slow suicide from WAY back.
"jay" saying he didn't even know why he kept doing this, why he kept harming himself so much and pushing himself too far, literally wishing for everything he suffered/ took out of himself/ sacrificed/ etc. would be given TO someone else to augment THEIR life instead.
chaos said he didn't want that, tried to give a lot of it back.
very vigilant now, aware that the "jay" bloodline people are not entirely "positive" and that a lot of them still hold that sort of white wintry problem.
also, more hack death. old methods/ programs are actually backfiring spectacularly now.
emphasis that programming doesn't work, at ALL, we DON’T want what they do and we are AWARE of that now, we aren't blacking out in fear and doubt.
i know at some point we decided we wanted to start the "headspace movie nights" again? i have a feeling xenophon had the loudest say in it.
so that night we rented and watched iron giant. message took strongly.
robots/androids in system appreciated it a lot, but we all have that "what does it mean to be alive/ "human"?" dilemma, "what does it mean to be alive," so the simple but meaningful "soul" bit in the movie struck a chord with all of us.
favorite bit though, "you are who you choose to be."
felt like the battlecry for our life right now.

saturday=
no memory of morning.
mother over house in evening.
outbursts? apparently anger overload. assumedly too much noise, or food guilt, or both? mother literally would not stop talking, followed us around the whole house talking, we couldn't even eat because she'd walk over and stand in front of us and chatter no matter where we moved.
someone stomped the floor at one point, foot hurts a lot.
first memory picks up AFTER that all ended, and mother is gone. no surprise.
in any case, bad food, got very sick. we are definitely allergic/intolerant to peanuts in some way, they make the body extremely sick, every time.
later, watched ted. scared to at first (we dislike R movies, as well as "adult" humor) but we mainly wanted to see how "typical media" handled such a concept.
shock of "some people out there actually live like that"
made us very sick at some points.
after movie, in light of recent events… inspiration from hotel fight scene, laurie beating up jay.
"I'm doing this because I love you" legitimacy, from her it actually is valid. I think jay asked her to as well? she's been refusing lately but something just snapped tonight.
really terrible because it is IN THE DIALOGUE after they beat the shit out of each other
and it's the ONLY time in the whole damn film that they SAY this to each other:
"I'm so sorry Johnny."
"So am I, man."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"Listen. You gotta let me help you make things with you and Lori."
"There's no putting things right; she f*ckin' hates me."
"No, John, we could get her back."
it was a direct shot to the heart, point blank, in the most unexpected place
and our laurie jumped on that and that's essentially what happened with us too.
remind me to write about that somehow, please, i dont know how but i have to.
after all that was the first time I could see her face in months.
very very sick at night from the food, scared. talked to boss for a while, cz wouldn't leave our side. said he'd help. apparently he did. there is logged, there was a moment of real solid peace, intuitively understood the "say yes to suffering in order to transcend it" paradox, going to hold on to that. huge relief to finally "get" that again.
lastly. in church, realized system map is actually 3D and we got the flowchart wrong. there's horizontal and vertical. it really is a lotus. need to draw it, modeling ideal though.
very excited over this. feels real inside again, tuning back in to us.

sunday=
woke up, nightmares again. felt like something is getting to me, trying to make me forget good dreams, haunting me
almost no memory of morning? highly dissociated, felt very sick still.
chaos was very sad? not sure why? whoever woke up didn't even acknowledge him or something, snubbed him, I don't know. but he was tangibly concerned, pained.
shopping. for food, really dumb idea in retrospect (obligatory food) but it happened.
synchronicity in car already. music.
"here I am with open arms" played, remembered how that somehow ended up as one of ryman's songs, wondering on the lyrics. fighting more shame and self-loathing there.
"got to be real," after wondering w/ genesis. song felt yellow too.
afternoon: laurie and sandman trying to manage eating disorder
main problem: typically it's done by the A.P. to avoid experiencing the actual process
eating is often disturbing and disorienting; by running it through the A.P. the dissociation allows for experience of colors and textures but not of the actual 'eating' bit. this also plays into the "don't swallow anything" compulsion as well as the purging; "eating" is actually not the intended goal here
sandman realizing that the more scared a damaged/ child fronter gets, EVEN from being "yelled at" in discipline, or being spoken to very sternly/ angrily, feeds feelings of potent fear and confusion and self-loathing; that alter will dissociate and keep doing harmful things because THE MESSAGE DIDN'T REGISTER DUE TO THE FEAR. they keep pushing through waiting for a NON-SCARY response and the reason they don't stop on their own is because they are doing the best they can at the moment, according to what they understand. they don't realize they're doing anything wrong. but they also will not listen when someone yells at them "stop that!" because they don't know how to cope with that sort of behavior and will literally block it out and continue. it's confusing but we've been trying to put this into words for ages.
also, sherlock very angry with razwell. first time he's been directly communicated with for an extended time.
razwell is weird because he's been around for YEARS but he's always been in that weird "floating room" that the "good floating voices" are usually in? hyakinth is there sometimes, still no clue why. no clue who those people are, they don't feel too "nice" they're too businesslike? but they aren't malevolent, not actively at least. anyway razwell holds "obligatory/forced humor," which is the kind of shit that you hear in the "adult world" or at school and you learn to laugh at it even if it's not funny at all, even if it's rude or scary or wrong, because you "should laugh" and that shit. but we know its shit now. sorry for the language. and razwell knows it too. he'll laugh, forced and too loud, manic almost, at the "bad jokes" just like the mother does. but then he'll start sobbing in frustration now. he's never done that before. he realizes his job is forced and void of self and i think it's getting to him. it would be nice to get him on our side. he's yellow too, maybe that's tied into this
anyway that was today.
now I'm updating

There are things after me. Bad things. I know this for sure.
I've accepted that this sounds crazy, even from me. But it's true.
That's one thing I'm thankful for, about headspace. It's taught me a lot, it's allowed me to understand a lot more than I otherwise would have. And maybe all this really is just "in my head." But that's real enough. That's real enough, good and bad. Microcosms and macrocosms, you know.
Anyway. In light of this I want to apologize, again, for the entries that have been happening here for the past few months, if not longer. You know, how everything's been so bloody bitter and angry and negative. Yes, it's good to let stuff out instead of letting it rot. But did you notice, all of this stuff is ANCIENT? Every single "bad" entry we get is old stuff. It's circular. Because the old stuff, in and of its existence, is separate from its healing. And we HAVE healed it. It's just… we're looking at it too much in a straight line. And we're all, all of us inside, walking that road at different speeds. A lot of us are past the old stuff, way forwards in the healing point, the end of that awful road, we're free, we're done with it… but we keep wandering back, either to help other people, or because of doubt or second-guessing, or because of God knows what. And when we do walk all the way back, it's like time travel. We're mired in that all over again.
It's toxic. It's dangerous. So… I don't want to post anything like that here, any more. No more rants. No more negative mindspills. From now on if anyone in the System wants to do that, we had better figure out WHY, and then just sit and listen to them for heaven's sakes, talk to them, HEAL this instead of just dissociating and letting programming or the A.P. run its course blindly.

Headspace IS our saving grace, however inelegant that original word for us may be… and I've come to realize, very strongly, in recent weeks, just how blessed we are to have ourselves. To be ourself. It's been the best thing we have, as a person, as an individual.
The Leagueworlds are their own thing. The whole "bridge the gap" bit… I think was too dichotomous. Yes, we can't be an "individual" while we're tuned in to the Leaguestuff because we CAN'T be in that state, that's how creativity and inspiration works. There's no "gap," there's just a shifting of vision. That's it! We're still here, they're still here, it's fine. And we CAN talk to each other, outside of landlocked timelines, which are like that for integrity's sake and that's important too.

I'm kind of excited now… that's not quite the right word, but it fits well enough for now. Hopeful? Grateful? Looking forward, but being happy of where we are now.
I remember what our old entries were like. Not all of them were good, absolutely not. But there were a lot more System-based entries in the past, than there have been recently. Not all of those entries were good either-- there are a few where, looking back on them, I can remember how uncomfortable we were writing them because we knew something wasn't right, even though we had just experienced something inside it felt wrong somehow, fallacious, illusory. Like the truth had been temporarily twisted, like a bad dream, from what we were letting infect our mind at the time. Headspace is fluid, and it's very easy to be led astray if you're not paying attention. There's a certain feeling to watch for, when it's real, and another one, when it's not… intuition has been sharpening a lot over the years, and I can differentiate now. It's very, very important.

What I'm trying to say is, I know what we have to do. It's all little things, little victories and things, just small lights going on. Some of it is going to take a hell of a lot of iron willpower, because there ARE nasty forces trying very hard to stop us, and twist us up, and basically screw up our progress. To be blunt, we've been weak in the willpower department lately. There's been a pervading numbness and doubt and tiredness, and it's made us so unsure of ourselves that we haven't been fighting.
Well, no more. No more.

Our edges are important.
That's something I keep forgetting.
There's an audio file on Mitchell from 2013 about that… it's beautiful and I should upload it somewhere. I should transcribe it tonight.
But… it's one of those files that means a lot to listen to, because there's so much heartfelt sincerity in it. Not all of it is, again. At times the speaker begins slipping and trying too hard but they NOTICE that and stop talking. Still… it's audible, when the things they are saying are coming from their heart. And that hits a high point near the end of the file, when the speaker begins talking about just how thankful they are for those in the System, in the "coregroup," so to speak… how thankful they were for the bright and dark sides of those beloved souls, for their softness and their edges, for all that they were.

I'm rambling now too. I apologize. This is a bit of a "non-person" state; it feels contrived and I apologize.
However. That point is important.
Edges. Sharp bits. Laurie's blades. Genesis's teeth. Infinitii's burning shade. Chaos's being. Everything about us that seems dark and terrible and damnable, everything we've tried to scrub out, too many times, without lasting success… all of that. It's important. It's blessed too. IF IT'S USED AS SUCH.
And THAT'S the vital point we keep forgetting.
There's a quote we should print out… how anything, ANYTHING, can be "sacred of profane" depending on how it is handled, on whether or not the spirit moves into it, fully and aware, when that thing is experienced.
The Light can use the Dark just as well for its own purposes, so to speak, and I think it's because when the Light moves into something, it completely changes the nature of the thing. If the thing It moved into was truly evil or bad, guess what? That Light will melt it down. That Light will completely erase it. I know. It's happened to me.
And that's the thing. Anyone who tells us, "it's neutral, who cares!" doesn't understand that well enough. At least, not the ones who spoke to us.
I'm not going to start rambling about that again. Point is, we get it. We always DID understand what WE need to do, what's right for us, what we REALLY need/ want/ are looking for, et cetera ad infinitum. WE KNOW OURSELVES.
We have to stop letting other people define us on a whim. We have to start standing up for ourselves again. We have to start being warriors again-- and that term does not mean to be wantonly violent, or cruel. A warrior is power, used rightly. A warrior is truth and strength and unflinching integrity. A warrior has compassion that does not let itself be stepped on. I know exactly what it is.

I find it very important, hugely important, that yesterday Josephina finally started the Yellow Realms. He (ze? I should ask about pronouns again really) was distraught about how Yellow was, for a very long time, a negative color for us. I'm not sure when it started, but as of late that hue has been mostly toxic. And Jo has been slipping, numbing, calcifying, probably worse than ANYONE else as of late… and, shockingly, it's been glossed over, because 1) he hasn't been around much, which ties into 2) he's been getting like this more and more for a while now. And, awfully, I think we all just chalked it up to "Yellow problems" and shoved our anxiety about it under the rug.
No. No. We will not gloss over a System member's health anymore, ever, for any reason. If there's an infected or sick Color, we heal it. If there's a person who's like that, or worse, then for God's sake we HELP them as much as we possibly can, as earnestly and absolutely as we possibly can.

That's what I miss about the old entries. Most of the Xangas, a lot of the Glissando entries. Everything that resonated within. Everything that attested to the reality of us, of our System, of our community… and I know I keep saying that but we've been falling back out of doubt or shame or loathing or fear.
No more of that. No more of that, ever. We can't afford to be divided against our own heart anymore. We cannot afford to fight our own existence anymore, just because someone else convinced us we should be doing so.

I'm going to take a break from the Internet totally for a while, I think.
We've been warming up to that lately. We've all but quit Tumblr (hackers started using it so we flat-out avoided it immediately after we caught them), and it's a huge relief, for many reasons. We honestly don't use any other website anymore, haha. So that's good.
But. I think the more time we spend offline now, the better. The Internet has been a sort of ailment for us, for a while. Yes it's been helpful, but more often than not, it's been a jail cell. It's been a chain on our ankles. It's thrown obligations and fears and performances onto our shoulders and NONE of it is necessary, and right now we're just throwing all these metal restraints off into the corner and walking away. It's freeing.
We have too much to do, to waste our time trying to impress/ entertain others and then wish "we could do more." It's easy. Stop wasting our time.

I'm really trying too hard here. I've got to stop typing "to an audience" because then it feels artificial and overly structured and forced.

All right, bullet list.

- Our "dark" sides are important, because they include our sharper parts that can STILL be used for Good IF we are wise and loving about it. There is NOTHING "inherently evil" about our rougher edges if they are handled with wisdom and care. By the same token, even something we view as "totally good" CAN be used for evil IF the usage of it is motivated by such. Be careful. Don't think too hard. Talking too much just confuses everyone.
- Josephina has the spotlight on him right now. So does Yellow in general. Help him, learn from him, this is big.
- Don't let them touch you. EVER. Laurie and Chaos WILL help you.
- Stay offline as much as possible. You know how toxic things can be.
- Don't go down any rabbit holes. Don't get lost in old tangles. If someone else in the System is, help them out. Help them heal.
- Stay aware of what you've learned. Don't let blind obligations or imitations or shit get to you and lead you astray. You know what we need to do, and what it is unwise to do, and what it is harmful to do. Don't listen to anyone who screams at you. BE WISE. Ask inside.
- Stop writing and reading bad entries. STOP.
- Write/print out ALL healing revelations and lessons and refer back to those when people feel confused or lost or doubtful. STAY AWARE. REMEMBER. STAY AWAKE.

stop trying so hard. you don't need to impress anyone. glitz and glamour will get you nowhere.

be sincere. be purely joyful and childlike if that is truly your shine. don't let anyone shame you for it. tune back into the truest parts of us and don't ever lose sight of those colors ever again.

simeon:
hi.
jay is in love again. :) that's really happy. i'm happy too.
I'm not upstairs but its nice when people care about esach other.
it makes me feel really nice.
okay bye<3

hey on that, sorry he jumped in. there's a feeling of embarrassment in here still when people come un unannounced to talk or type. it seems "fake" but then we can't delete it, that's rude, it's offensive actually.

but it's true. it's currently at a point where… everything upstairs is so real that even WHEN there are doubts, horrible doubts, they just dissipate on contact. it’s like… I can be in the same room as crushing doubt now, and see it as totally baseless. it has no merit now. THAT'S where we are. that's how genuine this is right now.
I literally cannot, cannot remember the last time things were this solid. it's amazing.
it's different in a way. the atmosphere is different. nicer, calmer, a little more blue-green. but different. things are becoming clearer, coming together better.
we are really, really learning a LOT as a System. not just the pentagape people.
simeon's right. it feels really nice.

okay headspace movie week is still on and this film has about 30 minutes to go yet so we're off. sorry about how disjointed this entry feels. I'll review it later but for now I just need this posted or it's going to just sit here.

dishonored 2 was just announced I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY ABOUT THIS that game has had a huge impact on us too, this is great, that was one heck of a boost of optimism to our night.

tomorrow is therapy. goal right now is= heal those who are yet unhealed.
she said that is definitely possible, always, even for those like ashen, who are covered in scars. we said then let's do that, let's start this process, let's heal it all.
we're being so open and honest in sessions, we've never been so absolutely uninhibited before, I have to thank cannon and hatchet for that really they're incredibly brave and brazen, we need that.
this is real progress. THIS is real progress. speaking up, and being honest, and not shoving things under the rug, and not trying to be something we're not, or can't be. THIS is progress.
forgiveness is progress too.
we're capable. we've done it. we just have to shake off the dust on our shoulders.
we are who we choose to be.

so apparently there was a hack tonight

no idea how, no idea how, how

there were never this many people around after a hack before. central was there.
every retributor was there. razor was out. sugar tried for a moment. mulberry was out, with her sage smoke and prayers. no idea why she got tied to that, maybe in lieu of christina, i dont know

ashen was out, wreckage was there. jay was out, sobbing because he didn't know what the heck had happened but he didn't want this continuing again.
the worst part is that every single time it is DIFFERENT. we take precautions every time but new things keep appearing.
i read something once about this. how until something is really healed it will keep finding new outlets to bring itself to your attention. well what the heck do we have to do yet. we are TRYING to just "let this go" but dude that apparently is not working, maybe we're doing it wrong, we keep getting caught up in the bad old messages and fears, we keep hitting apathy, we keep locking ourselves out in the cold, disregarding our own heart.
but we're doing better. we're doing so much better. none of the old hacks work anymore. they have to try really hard to get through to us now. they have to be really cruelly sneaky and brutal now.
and that's kind of the problem

i have never seen laurie cry so much in my life.
when she gets really distraught she gets violent? she screams and breaks stuff. damages things. it's just this awful despair that crushes outwards. she just sobs, it breaks my heart, god i never ever ever want to see her so sad again, god,
lynne was there, jo was there, leon was there earlier, and nat, god it was so nice earlier today, we were all talking to each other, why did this happen tonight, why, what year is it even

but laurie was talking to leon at some point this afternoon, i dont know why, but she ruffled his hair and he spontaneously did the same to her. she stopped and gave him this look of surprise, he got nervous, "what did i do," she burst out laughing and said no one ever had the guts to do that BACK to her before, she thought it was hilarious. gave him exclusive rights to do that if he wanted. later nat came in, asked "are you messing up my boy's hair," she said maybe, nat said "then i'll mess up your boy's hair," did that to jay.

ran outside for 20 minutes today. ankle still hurts, sides still hurt a bit, but we're being careful.

still can't eat sugar or starchy things. but the body is overcoming the obligation now. we actively recognize that we don't like them and we are improving. only obstacle is "do we have enough calories" but really i think we're doing fine.

the mother made tiramisu for our younger brothers graduation and eros was commenting on that again, the whole subconscious looking for that texture/sweetness in spiritual matters? kind of sensory blending. he's well aware of the desperate need for affection the broken parts of us still feel, it's tied to his color, with a punch because his color is more 'passionate' than julie's and it's at a higher risk for misinterpretation and confusion. just wanted to say that he's still around
the "other eros" is still around too, rarely so, but he's there. it's so frightening that once a "bad" alter exists, even if their purpose is long gone, they can STILL be triggered out if we aren't careful, if that purpose is ever sufficiently reminded. it's awful. that's why we're trying to get closer to each other again, in the innerworlds, we're trying to cope better, trying to recuperate more.

what are we even doing now

i'm reviewing the entries from 2014 and 2013, making a tentative timeline so i have an idea what actually happened then
i had no idea there were so many reset attempts in 2013
and 2014 was a mess because that's the year we were trying to "join a community" on tumblr! and there were so many toxic people on there. also that's when we got the deluge of anons telling us we were fake, and a drama king, and basically a disgrace to the mental health community, etc. so that hit like a knife to the heart.
i bookmarked a few entries to review, and some to just re-read because they were really beautiful.
2014 had some really beautiful things in it. i'm so glad things like that happened so close to now, after the collapse in december 2013. it's hopeful.

i shouldn't be changing the topic though

there was a hack, it was awful, we don't even get warned anymore, we don't even feel anything now, in a sick way that's good that the body is so good at depersonalizing and numbing now that we DON'T get the horrific flashbacks that jeremiah used to have to buffer out. but also now the hackers can say "well we're not hurting anyone!" uh yeah you actually are, don't you DARE tell me no one is being hurt by this, look at us, look at all of us, we don't want this. YOU don't even want this. you're just "following orders" and i KNOW a lot of you hellish hackers are scared too when you feel a shred of self-awareness, there's DATA of that, there always is
but i swear
i swear to you, i swear by whatever blood is left in me
if you try this sort of thing again
if you do anything to make laurie cry like that again
i
i dont want to kill anything but
you are not allowed to exist here as that sort of person
you are NOT welcome here
you do NOT have permission to do what you are doing
if anyone gave you permission in the past, coerced or half-conscious or anything,
I REVOKE THAT RIGHT NOW.
GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD.
leave us alone.
leave her alone. leave the kids alone. leave me alone. leave all the innocents alone. leave us alone.
i swear if you try this again i will extricate you from our bones with my bare hands
i will claw you out even if it leaves me bloody and bruised
i will destroy whatever makes you evil
and if nothing is left after that, then so be it
we've lost nothing.

we've lost nothing.
no matter what you people try to do to us. or through us. or despite us.
you're terrible, you new ones
the old hackers attacked us consciously.
you people just screw around and don't care who pays the price for it
you are so deluded, don't you realize
you are so completely LOST
you are so lost.
you don't even know what you're doing, do you.

i tried to talk to jasmine earlier
i didn't realize she's been around since last august at least?? there was an entry i remember seeing that made me really really nervous, i knew that person was trouble, i didn't think she'd get this bad. but here we are
we'll get through it though

in 2011 julie was still hacking us.
in 2012 we had the tar-celebi to deal with.
in 2013 there were the constant reset attempts, and the old girls returning.
in 2014 i have no clue, i think that was all surreptitious hacks, using other people,
but the point is
we survived all that.
"this too shall pass."
all this stuff now WILL stop. it WILL. and WE WILL SURVIVE IT.

that's all the hope i've got for tonight but it's solid gold okay

we'll make it through this
we will.
i promise we will.

i love all of you in the system so much. so much.
god bless you all.

i am so sorry tonight happened.
but we lost nothing.
we were damaged, we were hurt, we were scared, we were bruised,
maybe we really were tainted.
but that still bleeds out.
they can't hurt us where it matters. they CAN'T. ever.

we lost nothing but this is a matter of justice, and fairness, and right actions,
this is a matter of respect and compassion and wisdom,
and those hackers don't have any of that apparently
so act from a positive standpoint
let's try that okay?
we can still be proactive, we can still be protectors and guardians, without losing anything first.
we don't have to suffer to have worth.
we don't have to be martyrs for our lives to have meaning.
that's kind of a daring redefining after all these years but hey
it's worth a shot.

i am so tired.
part of my heart is devastatingly sad
and with good reason.
my instinct is to be happy and snow-white and free BUT
i cannot ignore mourning that needs to happen.
i cannot ignore open wounds.
i cannot ignore pain that must be felt and healed with compassion.
i cannot ignore when 'negative' things happen because they're signposts for love that's missing

markus's song just started playing on spotify. i haven't heard this in months, if not years.
he was around the other day, when we were in the hospital. i didn't say that.
he didn't say much, he usually doesn't, he gets really nervous when other people are in crisis, he worries so much.
but his presence was so strong there. like he would have sat in that ER for six hours without saying a word if he had to, he wouldn't mind, he would stay because he cared. because it mattered. that's his sort of devotion. i love and miss him too

god this is so new and yet so old
it's nostalgic, its like a homecoming
all this old, true, bright, real stuff all of a sudden
old songs, old love, old hope, old faith
all of it
we are trying so hard to remember "who we were" before other people started trying to define that for us
i think that's why cannon's back. she had a surprisingly good grip on that.
but we're managing. we're doing well, all things considered.
i have so much hope
so much.

laurie i swear i am coming right upstairs and whatever you need me to do, i will do. i will be there for you. i am here for you now. i always am. just like you are for me. i love you. i love you, okay? i love you with all of my heart and i swear whatever you need me to do i will do.
i can already tell you're going to tell me "fight the hacks" and guess what, i will
i might be snow and sparkles but if THIS is what my admitted ignorance is doing, then to hell with it
i'll become a protector too. i'll pick up a sword again. a sword of light. and i'll cut through these shadows with it.

todd rundgren has a new song out, i heard it last night. "terra firma."
it reminds me so much of "afterlife" and "living" from his liars album, i love his songs like this
but it's already dear to my heart. it's already about our system.
this is what i want to follow, this is what i want to live, i need to stop grasping at everyone else's paths and never feeling fulfilled or true or happy, i need to just STOP and turn back inside. i need to just go home.

some lyrics for hope, for what its worth.

Though the minutes stretch to hours
And the hours stretch to days
Through the trials and tribulations
When it seems like I’m so far away
And it’s just too high a price to pay
There is one thing I can always say

Whenever I feel afraid
I put my faith in terra firma
And I’m never far away
Because you’re my terra firma

Whenever I feel alone
I come home to terra firma
A place I can call my own
Because you’re my terra firma

i will do everything i can.

Whenever you feel distressed…

Remember back in 2010 Julie was still hacking us.
Remember back in 2013 Christina and Jess were playing the "it's God's will for you to die and for us to live" card and we were a total mess.

Here in 2015, with this awful madness with the "pagan" voices and their false "I can do whatever I want!" attitudes, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 05:32 pm

this evening.

- Talking to Sergei. Told him about the "pagan" (need a new term; that's unfair to ACTUAL pagans and not self-justifying fakers like these alters) people who are trying to "sexualize nature" and make it unsafe for us to go outside. He got up, put out his smoke, sternly asked me what were they doing now? I repeated it, and I have never seen this guy angry but he was now. He said something like "not if I have anything to do with it they aren't," while now agitatedly flicking a lighter on a new smoke, something all bundled up. Watching the next bit really confused me at first; he took a deep inhale then forcefully breathed out this HUGE cloud of thick white smoke, but as he did so he got a sort of body-overlay that reminded me of a dragon??? And he's continually just blowing big fogs of smoke all around the trees. I'm watching and I felt his anger and it made me nervous, I said "don't put bad vibes into it" and he stopped, his angry vibe dropped and he lost the sudden draconic "edge," now feeling more like one of ferns than sharp scales. He started coughing on the smoke, but the coughs became tearful almost immediately and he softly crumpled to the ground by the nearest pine tree, sobbing. He put his arms around it in a sort of sideways slouch and buried his face in it, quietly saying "I'm sorry" and just generally looking terribly heartbroken. The forest was all white smoke clouds, hanging low, and I got a smell of it and realized it was SAGE smoke, he was basically "smudging" the place, that was interesting. Hyakinth showed up to try and comfort him but then he got mad too, looked at me and asked "what's going on?" I don't remember what I said; memories fade fast and either way I know the info's there for him to get.

- Quite honestly this "nature=rape" lie has been around SINCE 2012 at least, back when the Tar-Celebi was still around. Infinitii arguably still holds that problem's roots due to its connection to Black energy: raw Black energy is basically sheer creative energy, but someone is deciding that "creative" equals "fertile" equals "it exists so you MUST participate in it." That's disgusting, to be passively violently coercing people like that. Stop. NO ONE is obligated to "participate in" ANY of that.
Except, there is a belief system down in our head that does believe that, that is so paralyzed with moral fear that it will GIVE IN to that mindset, even if it means dissociating massively, because "not giving in means I am rejecting God."
To which I say: what about priests? What about nuns? What about monks? What about all those holy people who take VOWS OF CELIBACY who you IDOLIZED as a child?? Or, at least, whoever we were as a child did? What about them? They're not rejecting "God," dude, they're totally devoted to the cause. And THEY'RE not feeling obligated to go out and forcibly procreate with everything because "I was born female, nature is reproducing, I cannot resist or I will be dragged along/ forced/ punished for rejecting nature!"
Dude, just… listen. Do you hear what you just internalized there?
"Being queer is a sin against nature." Isn't that what you heard countless times in the past? Well guess what? SUDDENLY once you got into college and tried to become part of those communities, you realized they were hypersexualized, and they didn't want you. So all of a sudden the message changes to "Sexuality is fine in ALL its forms because it's natural/ progressive/ liberating/ etc.!! But Asexuality is UNNATURAL and UNHEALTHY!" Just look at all the religious and medical texts that told you that. Honestly it's sad. But LOOK. THAT'S WHERE IT CAME FROM.
And now, this awful Tumblr time-period has put a new level to that: "All these "new age" religions insist on femininity and fertility being of utmost holiness! Therefore it is the ONE TRUE FAITH and you MUST HAVE SEX or else you are NOT GOOD!!"
You notice no one is actually SAYING that stuff, that's just how our addled brain reads all the bits and pieces and insinuations and things we see. We get such awful vibes from lots of it, I sure won't read more of it. Too many "obsessive" religious mindsets start thinking they have to obey it all instantly and without question, and that's unsafe. I just had to follow a bunch more polytheistic/ Hellenistic/ etc. blogs because "we" keep re-following them? But they keep causing huge relapse mindsets of "I'm filthy, too filthy for these other gods/goddesses to care about me," but "I'm terrified of being enslaved to even more beings, especially in a worship context," and "I don't feel comfortable worshipping anything like that, and I am terrified of being ordered/ demanded to do so by some deity I CANNOT refuse on penalty of death," etc. So there's a lot of rigid panicky fear tied to it. Therefore, UNFOLLOW. Sorry whoever wants to read their blogs but it is making your/our mind sick and that's not good.

- We're trying very very hard, again-- or, at least I am-- to "leave headspace behind" again. I have to. It's been a disaster since 2012. God I wish I knew WHAT HAPPENED that year, what the hell happened that destroyed us so badly? Either way, it's been almost 3 years (I almost said 5?) and we never really pulled back together, in some way.
Which is odd. Julie… wait, no. I almost said "Julie switched sides AFTER we came back" but that means we're seeing 2012 as 2010! We're two years behind.
Infinitii's timeline, though, exists in the mindset of "we NEVER WENT to SLC!" so that's even weirder. 2013 in general feels like its own thing, I just want to say. All that funky stuff with the Underground opening up in the spring, and then the "original girls" trying to destroy us multiple times in the fall… memories of that time are so surreal and frankly I need to go back and reread them to remember lots of it.
2014, I have no clue. I literally do not remember most of it. I know in January we were gone really, after the "massacre" around Christmas, but… everything else, no clue. It's a void.

Anyway. Maybe it's capitalism biting me in the ass but I keep feeling like "headspace isn't doing shit for anyone!" Like it's utterly worthless, it means nothing because it's not "giving to other people" or "making money to survive." I'm so tired of that daily-grind latter mindset, but the former one still bothers at my heart daily.
Lately, there's been so much ugliness in this journal, and I am afraid it is infecting people. I am afraid we have largely turned into a reservoir of evil. I do not want that.

Jasmine drew a picture of herself on this computer. Someone apparently told her to, and let her, and so she did. We can't look at it; it makes us feel just as nauseously anxious as that photo of Jennifer does.
It's kind of sad? Like we know she doesn't quite understand what she's doing wrong. So part of us pities her, feels bad for labeling her 'evil.' Then we have to remember that this is the same woman that thinks its okay to expose the children in the System to sexuality because "it's nature's gift" and shit and THAT is why I am fucking PISSED, THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE 2012 TOO.
Was it 2012? Christmas 2013 is the first recorded instance of it.
Anyway yeah. Forced sexuality into the Leagueworlds, but it's all directed towards children.
Read that again. CHILDREN.
This is why we're both freaked the hell out and disgusted. EVERY DAMN TIME we have a hacker in the System, they ONLY TARGET CHILDREN. THEY ONLY TARGET CHILDREN.
Have we spoken about this before??
They only target children, and people who are innocent/ virginal enough to count as "children" in some aspect. And in their targeting, they use coercion techniques and false sweetness to basically "passively force" these people into doing what they want, because 1. they don't understand, 2. they are not being informed so they CAN understand properly, 3. they are being told that "you MUST want this, this is GOOD," 4. this is sick. this is sick
It's like everything that CAUSED our System to develop is STILL perpetuating in loops, to everything it touches, even today.

God THIS is what we need to talk about in therapy. THIS IS THE DEEPEST PROBLEM.
This was the FIRST problem and God willing it is the LAST problem, because it is the CORE PROBLEM of EVERYTHING up here.
It all boils down to forcing a child to participate in something only adults should participate in.
It all boils down to not allowing a child to make their own choices about their own body, and their own personal space, and their own feelings of safety and privacy and comfort.
It all boils down to convincing a child that "love" in the family is all about pain and performance, while "love" outside the family is just "sex."

There's an entry about this that I really should finish writing first. Let me get to that.

Sorry for this mess of an entry. I've been sitting down too long today, I need to walk, it's sunny outside.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

KNIFE

RAZOR

MULBERRY

SUGAR

ALGORITH

CANNON

OVERLOAD

JEMMA

CHOCOLOCO

JEWEL

(post-entry note from Jay: I'm uploading this three days later but no one labeled their speech well so I apologize profusely if any sentences are misattributed. I've done the absolute best I can with this.)

All right. Oh, is it recording? I'm sorry, I didn't know it--

…

I have no idea how to do this.

The AP is getting confused. Give it time to record what we're saying first.

Are there mistranslation issues?

Always. It can only do so much, translating from thought speech into words. Written words.

Hm. Well, it is worth the effort, to see if we can do this alone.

Didn’t you say you wanted music on?

To appease the creative ones, yes. They're rather impatient that we're doing this instead of writing music anyway.

I can wait, you guys give it a try. Just don't stay up ALL night I guess.

That's what I want to start at. I have emotional investment in this. WHY is--

Why what?

Why are so many fronters depressed about dealing with headspace? I mean, like that one, the young ones..

They don't want to be depressed. Their role is separate than ours. So, they get depressed when we show up because they don't want to be involved in this stuff. Simple as that.

You're the protector of innocence, you should know.

That's why. I should know. And I do. If there's one thing I've noticed about the kids in the System, on the outside that is, it's that they don't want to lose their innocence "again." So she's impatient with us because she doesn't want… it's not that she doesn't want us to exist, I don't think. It's more like… she doesn't want the reason we exist to exist.

We come out for a reason, and she doesn't want to think about that.

Right. Thanks.

Not a problem.

So… Cannon?

Hmh?

Did you… you said you had an investment in this.

Music.

Oh, that's right, sorry. Can we pause this?

Momentarily, sure. Should we get Jewel to do that?

No, don't get her involved in this.

I think she's hanging around anyway.

Is she? Jewel, are we getting in your way?

No, it's just surreal to see this typing up on my screen! I wanna write stuff and I've got LOT of League things to do as always but this is cool too. Just you're right. I get kind of miffed about the whole "upstairs" thing because it's so moody.

That's what I want to talk about. The "moodiness." There's a REASON why we're so "moody" and it's not a good one. But it's a reasonable one.

Still, I wanna live without it. So don't take long.

"Kid," we've got to take as long as we need to, if we don't deal with this it won't go away.

Are you absolutely sure? I mean I'M fine.

Sure you're fine, you're a kid. The kids weren't allowed to be touched.

…Are you sure you're Cannon?

I'm an older Cannon. It's been a while since I was out, you know. 2009. I've changed since then, I had time enough to dissolve and die and whatever else happened to me. Now I'm rooted inside and life is different, you know? So I'm different.

You tried to kill us. You DID kill us.

Yeah, I'm really ticked off about that by the way.

I got off scot-free. No hard feelings.

Algorith.

Just joking around, Sugar. I don't got no hard feelings personally. But the whole thing is a blur.

Everything is a blur, is anyone else ticked off about that too?

Yes.

I'm profoundly worried about it.

Where's Razor?

Over there.

Jewel, why are you asking about Razor?

She's cool. I mean I know about you guys and she strikes me as pretty cool, I dunno. I guess I've got a fondness for creatures like her.

Edgy?

Psycho?

She's not 'psycho,' Algorith, that’s the concern we're having today actually. Razor, are you all right?

They ruined my knives. They ruined my razors. They're not holy anymore.

Since when did you care about your weapons being 'holy?'

Since always. Since I knew what they were. Atonement. Not you.

Excuse me?

Sugar, don't slip.

You're not an Atoner. You joined us later. You showed up to kill the bad ones. The hackers. I didn't.

You showed up rather differently, Razor.

I wasn't myself then, you know. All I know is this. The cutting things. And they ruined them.

They did not. They cannot change this for you.

…But they make it hard. They make it so it's not happy anymore. It's not art. It's 'business.'

…Sorry.

For slipping?

Yeah. I guess I'm still unstable on the inside.

You've always been unstable, Sugar, that I have realized. I can't help but feel it's related to your anchor.

Yeah, can we talk about that at long last? We're in here for a reason. The hackers are screwing things up. They're ruining atonement, they're not apologizing for their actions--

Hackers never apologize.

I mean they're not feeling sorry for what they've done.

Did they ever?

Geez, just-- just listen. Hackers. The NEW kind. They're not apologizing for what they're doing to the body when it's OUR body, and they KNOW it, don't they?

…Is that the question?

Is it?

What about Jemma? You brought the girl in here, she hasn't said a word.

She's quiet. I don't think she's used to operating on the inside yet either. At least, without her daemon around.

Yeaaah, don't bring him in here.

I don't have the right to.

There's a really massive brain fog around you guys, just saying.

I've noticed. It's making conversation rather difficult.

Is that just because of time gaps, or do we not have enough of a presence in here to talk yet?

Could be people blocking us out.

Hence the topic for the night. Hackers and their indifference towards everyone else in the System.

"Else?" Mul, I don't think anyone here considers them part of the System.

True, that is true.

…

So. Tonight. Let's just… take this slow. I'm not used to this A.P. thing either, that's confusing.

Yes, it is.

So hackers. Jemma decided to atone tonight because no one's been doing so and she wouldn't stand for it?

I had to push through apathy to do it. No one cares.

WE care.

No one in the body cares obviously. They said my emotions were fake. I was upset and I was sad too, but they said that there wasn't a problem? Without saying anything. It's more of a… a thick white distance. You know the, Knife you saw the fake snow that's around at Christmas?

Yes.

It's like that. Big, thick white gauzy blocks between me and them. Between my emotions and their feeling them. Or the body feeling them. I don't know. They just won't let me feel anything, there's this unspoken conviction or belief in them that "they're doing nothing wrong."

That is a LIE.

I know, but that's the problem. They DON’T care.

Do they feel nothing?

They do. I just…

They feel no guilt.

Jessica earlier labeled herself a "psychopath" with pride. She feels no regret, no empathy, and she's rather smug about it. That shows you what sort of people we're dealing with, Knife.

…But the children.

…

They're hurting the children.

Are they?

Aren't they? The children get the aftereffects of this, don't they? Unless Jeremiah…

I think they shut off the whole thing. They didn't want to be caught anymore so they shut off the whole entire thing, no one gets aftereffects at all because they "cancelled" those or something.

How do you know all this?

I'm tied to this. I'm a previous Host, or what you call it. I'm the most strongly tied to this sort of direct abuse because I was alive when this hell started being "justified" on the outside. So seeing that hell on the INSIDE is really getting me mad.

It would.

Yeah, it is. And I'm upset, too, because I don't know what to do about it.

I'm depressed.

We all are.

That's making it hard to fight back.

That might be part of the fog.

Probably. Fog is numbness, and that sounds like that's what we're dealing with.

Why don't they realize the harm of their actions?

Because to them there IS no harm. "It's not hurting anyone!" That's the Tumblr idiocy we internalized and it's why I'm one of the ones that hate that website. All these hedonistic teenyboppers running around acting like anything that "feels good" IS good. And we internalized that stupid mindset EVEN IF it wasn't true for us. Because we "had to."

That's a big topic slated for discussion, by the way.

Which one?

The internalization, and how that deals with alters, or headvoices. Survival and logic. We're born in order to protect our life in some way, so in some cases, 'evil' alters are created because they, for whatever reason, offer the most chance of 'survival' in that situation.

That's messed up.

I know it is, but it appears to be what's happening.

So we've got abusive alters because the System decided that THEY'D keep us alive??

Think about it, Sugar. If you have an alter who is incapable of feeling guilt, or shame, or regret, then it prevents us from killing ourselves over every humiliating thing we suffer. I suppose after so long of being hacked, especially with this constant bombardment of messages saying "you must like this, you must want this, your soul requires it, the world demands it, you cannot run from it, running is wrong," et cetera. There are a bunch of conflicting mindsets about this.

What's conflicting?

Our mindsets versus theirs. We know what we need, what we really want, et cetera. The 'world' does not. Yet we're stuck living in it, outside at least, and that's where these hacker fronters are coming into being-- to survive.

That's suicide though!! What kind of survival is it if it's killing us inside??

It's not killing them, though. They don't care at all. That's the thing.

Rrrrrgh!

Sugar don't lose your hair.

I'm sorry I'm just-- my role's been such a mess since I showed up here because I don't know HOW to protect anyone.

You're protecting Laurie, aren't you?

No. …No, I… I don't know how. I'm scared.

Of what?

Of the things that go after her. They're pure Plague, Algorith. I'm close enough to the White. I don't want them eating me from the inside out, after I've seen what they've done to the Cores in the past.

Hosts. Cores now applies to the Jewel bloodline only, and they're rather impervious.

Well that's good. But I…

You're scared of being corrupted?

We all are, Algorith?

…I guess I can't blame you.

Aren't you?

Hey, I didn't die in the massacre, I figure Cannon had to have some reason for missing me.

I didn't find you.

Well, that's reason enough.

But you realize I was ONLY killing you people because at the time I was CONVINCED you were ALL unsalvageably corrupted by the Tar and the Plague, right? I saw what 'we' were going through at that time, and how NO ONE was doing anything about it, at least not in my eyes, and so I took matters into my own hands. I had had it. There was one too many hacks, and you just LET it happen, and I thought "to hell with all of it. Five years after I died and this is still happening. To hell with this, I'm ending it." So I tried.

Weren't you with Jessica, though? Isn't she a hacker?

Listen, I don't know what I was doing then, whoever she was she was hellbent on killing you too. I figured it was for the same reason.

Was it Jessica, though, or was it Jezebel?

Probably Jezebel. Jessica doesn't exist on the inside.

Well there you have it.

Still.

Still what?

Still I can't believe this is still happening. The hacks.

Well now we know why. People don't care.

Hi Overload.

Hi.

You just stopping by or are you sticking around?

Either. This stuff is getting overwhelming anyway so it doesn't matter.

Is it?

Listen, what did we come in here to discuss tonight? Let's stop rambling and type about it.

The hackers. There are people who don't care.

Jasmine.

Yes. And Jessica, maybe.

And "the pagan," whoever she is.

That's Jasmine.

Is it?

Yeah. She got her name over the past week.

Is Jennifer a hacker?

No. But she paves the way for them.

…

Hey-- I thought I told you not to bring him in here.

I didn't. He just hangs around me.

Listen it doesn't matter if Chocoloco's around or not, he won't harm anyone.

It's not that, he feels scary.

Daemons do, from what I've heard.

You're unfazed by this?

Listen, I probably have a "daemon" myself, from what I've heard. I'm dark enough not to care. I've got enough edges to handle something like that in the room. Hackers. They aren't atoning and they don't care and they are now starting to justify their actions with such conviction that the subconscious is jumping on them.

What is their main conviction?

It's tied to the "logic" predisposition I mentioned earlier, Knife. At some point, the moral fear of being "unholy" trumped all sense of self-preservation.

Jessica doesn't seem to care a bit about being 'unholy,' she revels in it.

So I've noticed. But she isn't a sexual hacker, either. She's a body abuser, but that's it.

So Jasmine's the other sort?

Yes.

I'm gonna kill her.

Please do.

Not now, we need to discuss this.

I didn’t say I was going after her now, Knife. It's late and I'd have to find her. That sort of thing takes time.

I'll find her for you. Tomorrow, maybe.

There's a strong self-preservation drive around her.

What the hell?? I thought you just told me it doesn't care!!

It cares when it's "main fronter" is being threatened, the person who is currently ensuring that we "survive" according to what has been dictated as "correct behavior."

Man. …It's infuriating, all of it, it's nonsense.

…

So what do we do, Mulberry?

Honestly Knife I don't know. Reprogram the subconscious.

Which means…? What's the belief we need to program out?

That sex is mandatory for survival. This body is not only traumatized by it, but it does not want it by a biological standpoint either. Forgive me for this language, I'm sorry. But these fronters, they have apparently internalized the "spiritual messages" from outside that sex is an inherent quality of the spirit, and have mangled that thought to the point where they believe that if they DON'T have sex, then they are morally corrupt, and therefore not a true soul, et cetera.

What the hell.

It's complicated, I know.

Wasn't Jay working on this? Fixing it?

Jay is impervious to this, just as the Jewel Cores are. I've realized this.

So… do we let him out, or?

No. That fails to work, he gets switched out.

Oh come on.

I can try. From now on I can try, if they do.

Jemma we are not cut out for that sort of work. It is not our job.

Then whose is it, Chocoloco? If Jay and his daemon can't do it, if WE can't do it as retributors and atoners and mourners… then who can do it? Those hackers are blocking everyone.

…

I don't know.

Is this a problem we can even solve tonight?

Not in stream-of-consciousness mode we can't. Leave it to Jay and give him the data, see if he and Laurie can figure things out. He's got enough data to do it I'm sure.

I thought you said he switched out with this sort of thing.

Not if he's unattached to it. Only if he's in the body does he get switched out, he literally can't handle that or he dies, just like Laurie. He can handle this as a concept, he's completely detached from the side of this that we see.

So that's why they were hacking him so easily…

Hacking through him. Past him. Jay is untouched, that I see. He's pure, that's HIS function. Other ones aren't. There's the one that looks just like him and HE'S a whore at this point, he's someone we should watch out for.

He's all programming, I've heard?

You've heard of him?

I've seen him, firsthand. Remember when I first appeared here, "Jay" was the one I was atoning for. As it turns out there were many going by that name, then and now.

Which is why we're all looking for our own names lately, no exceptions.

Right. But back then… it was clear that there were more forces at work, when it was outlined to me. I'm sorry, it is terribly hard to talk in here.

Thank you, I was thinking the same thing.

Yeah, and you have a stronger anchor than all of us combined, probably.

Maybe, but you guys are all as real as me.

The fronters doubt it..

Tell them to bugger off.

Is that why we can't stop them either, Mulberry? They are outright rejecting our existence.

The hacker fronters call emotions "stupid" and they call us the same, yes.

All emotions except fake drama, that is.

They don't feel anything though. I can tell you that. It's just malice and pride.

So why are they doing this to us? To harm us?

Perhaps partly. These are more dangerous because their main motivation is blind obedience. It's hard to change a program when it's being reinforced by the outside, quite strongly.

Hm.

But we know better. That is our saving grace. WE know better. We just have to step back out front more often.

Good luck with that, it's easier said than done lately.

Better to have hope than to have nothing, though.

Eh, I guess you're right.

Knife should we write down the thing about the blood?

How do you know about the blood?

I'm looking at stuff. Trying to skim through your guys' memories and stuff to help you talk about it a little, if you need to. I can see stuff clearly a lot.

Is that why we can't talk in here? You're overshadowing us?

Maybe, sorry.

It probably is. Don't do that again, okay? This is difficult enough as it is.

Yeah but actually this is really impoirtant! I'M here and so are you!

…

You're right. That is significant.

So. Although I'm on the outside and you're on the inside this is still working. Which is really cool. And I'm looking at your memory like a movie and Knife was trying to drink the blood out of the washcloth but he had to spit it out because it tasted wrong or something.

I realized it was truly not meant to be eaten. It was bled out for a reason.

Why do you do the eating-blood thing anyway?

It is a symbolic thing, I suppose? Jay feels like he should have insight into it, he is very closely tied to this sot of sentiment…

Jay "feels?"

Jay is always around for us, all of us. He's the White core so his consciousness is tied to us all, even if he isn't around physically.

Is it easier for him to exist that way then?

Perhaps?

Probably, from what it says here.

Mulberry, you got the books?

Some books! Just a few. Enough to help. But Jay is notoriously noncorporeal whenever he gets the chance. It's easier for him to exist that way, yes.

Huh.

And I am aware that this 'ingestion' topic, especially of blood, has been rolling around in the collective mind lately. Jay is working on this topic and that data is accessible to me, to any of us really, as we are involved in this same agenda.

The atonement?

Retribution, yes, atonement, all of it. Jay carries aspects of it that none of us do.

Jay carries aspects of it that aren't quite "atonement," if you know what I mean. He stays innocent so he doesn't get 'punished.' But he carries the blood in his own way. So did I.

You carried the graves, didn't you? I heard of those.

Yes. All 42 of them, we counted. I've still got them. It's surreal.

…

Guys, perhaps we should close this up.

Already?

We aren't quite getting anywhere, are we? There is too much to discuss and we're rather unorganized for any conversation to happen.

That is true…

I am sorry. I insisted on a conversation and I wasn't quite sure what would happen, or if we would be able to have one at all.

No, it's all right, I'm glad we gave this a shot.

So am I.

Jemma, you didn't say much, and you're probably the main reason we're in here.

I know. I'm just sad and upset, it feels like talking won't do much to solve it. I think Mulberry Delta's right; we should just pass this information along to someone who can do something about it. Work through it.

Yeah, Central handles this better than we do…

We are not cut out for the complicated reasoning, as it were. Our job is rather… cut-and-dry.

He he he.

Haha, good one.

I was hoping that would get a laugh out of her.

Thank you Knife.

You're welcome, Razor.

Welp, I think that's about it then.

Who are you to say when we're done??

It feels done. I'll give this to Jay, tell him about it. Main concerns are the moral-less hackers, the subconscious 'logic' beliefs keeping them out, Mulberry?

Yes.

Okay, uh… basically figure out WHO is doing this stuff to you guys, WHY they're being ALLOWED to do that, even if it's a purely subconscious allowance, what with the logic things and all that… uh, figure out WHY they believe what they're doing is okay?

Well we know that, and it's not so much an "it's okay" thing so much as it's just a programming thing.

What's the difference?

Programming is deaf and dumb really. It doesn't care at all, for good or ill. It just… does things. It follows the script. If the script says kill someone, if the script says screw up someone's life big-time, they'll do it, without any remorse or second-guessing OR enjoyment, or guilt either, because "it's in the script! It's what I was told to do."

That's a very worrisome mindset.

It is. But I've been dealing with this mess with college, and you all have since you showed up too, I can see. It's all people saying "this is normal!" when even if it IS, it SHOULDN'T BE. And that's the core of the problem, right Overload?

I'm only in here because the stuff that they're doing to you causes the stuff that triggers ME. I really freaking hate it, and if there's anything I can do to stop them doing that stuff, then I will.

I daresay we all know your triggers?

Look in your book, they're in there probably. Noises, feelings, overload. Sensory hell. And SO MUCH of it is tied to YOU guys and your battles. It gets WORSE after hacks, so much worse I want to actually freaking DIE.

…

So yeah, I wanna help if I can. Just to get this freaking horrible stress to stop, if nothing else.

Thank you. I appreciate that well enough.

Good. Now I'm outta here 'cause like Jewel said, it feels like we're done and besides this robe feels horrible and I think we just need to dissociate and calm down for a while. See ya.

I don't know if 'dissociating' is key here?

Probably 'unplugging' from the stress is, if that's what they call it. Hence the music?

I am so sorry, I never put it on…

That's fine, I think this worked out well enough anyways.

It did. So! We're done here? Any last words or whatever? Jemma?

What?

You got us in here, you stood up to someone and got atonement happening. You tried to feel something in the face of those bastards. I'm proud of you for that, for what it's worth. There's too few people up here who can still do that, I think.

Like you?

Like always me. I was born from rage about this. I'm not gonna lose it. Sugar you might be sharing my anchor, maybe that's why you're slipping?

No, I'm more of a Protector. Of the innocent. The untouched.

Have you been doing that though?

…

Sorry, I don't mean to condemn you or anything, I'm just saying maybe you should do that more actively for it to switch over? Otherwise we're just sharing the same job and no offense, but I think I have more weight in this than you. Seniority. Sorry.

No, don't apologize, that's a good idea. …I'm sure there are untouched ones in here.

Man, that's sad.

There's always Laurie. She needs protection more than any of us, I daresay.

Laurie?

She's our Chastity Protector.

I've seen how Jay panics whenever she shows the slightest hint of weakness or hesitation. Confusion, especially. She's as fragile as he is, in her own way. The strong ones always are.

An oxymoron, Knife?

Not quite. It seems the ones like her and Jay are especially targeted by the Tar and Plague. They're fragile because they are so strong, they… they doubt themselves.

Sounds like they need a different kind of strength.

Additional strength. Yes.

Do you have a headache, man?

Yes, and I apologize. Mulberry, do close this up. I feel we have talked enough and I do not want to end this on a negative note.

Yeah, you look stressed as hell.

Aha, I am sorry. It is just… overwhelming.

That's what I said!

Where is she?

Hell if I know.

Somewhere we should be. Cannon, can you close this?

Me? Why?

Because you have the most say in this. As a previous Core. Host.

Both, in my time. And sure I'll close it up. Jewel are you around?

…Did she actually leave?

Maybe that's where the headache's coming from, man, it all went to you.

Why me? I don't have the must pull in this.

Maybe you do. Leader of the Retributors and all.

…

Really Knife, you're too humble. I'll close this up for you. But it's going to take a bit before that stress goes away if I remember it right.

I'll be fine. Don't worry about me.

Yeah but your sister's already worrying.

Is she?

…What did you do to him?

Nothing, nothing Razor. It's just stress.

Close this up.

Well, there's the final say.

About time though.

Isn't that a thing for Xangas?

Must be an initiation process.

You seem a little lighter than you were when we first got in here, Cannon.

I feel a LOT lighter. It's just… nice to be alive again. To feel alive, really.

…The fog's lifting, Cannon.

Yeah, well, too late now. Oh. Wait, that's why?

What?

I'm splinching with Hatchet.

You're what?

Co-fronting. They're bleeding into each other. The body must be trying to get another social fronter out to-- oh, there goes our link.

All right, last semi-coherent sentence, everyone follow up on this, Jewel do what you said you would, if I have closing rights for this then close this now. Thank you.

12:11 AM may 24th 2015

Profile

prismaticbleed

tumblr

December 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
	1	2	3	4	5	6
7	8	9	10	11	12	13
14	15	16	17	18	19	20
21	22	23	24	25	26	27
28	29	30	31

Syndicate

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jan. 4th, 2026 10:02 am

the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with jasmine

dec 30 2015

sep 17 2015

062515

recent days.

too high a price to pay

may 29 2015

a talk underground