may 29 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Whenever you feel distressed…

Remember back in 2010 Julie was still hacking us.
Remember back in 2013 Christina and Jess were playing the "it's God's will for you to die and for us to live" card and we were a total mess.

Here in 2015, with this awful madness with the "pagan" voices and their false "I can do whatever I want!" attitudes, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

 

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@ 05:32 pm

 

this evening.

- Talking to Sergei. Told him about the "pagan" (need a new term; that's unfair to ACTUAL pagans and not self-justifying fakers like these alters) people who are trying to "sexualize nature" and make it unsafe for us to go outside. He got up, put out his smoke, sternly asked me what were they doing now? I repeated it, and I have never seen this guy angry but he was now. He said something like "not if I have anything to do with it they aren't," while now agitatedly flicking a lighter on a new smoke, something all bundled up. Watching the next bit really confused me at first; he took a deep inhale then forcefully breathed out this HUGE cloud of thick white smoke, but as he did so he got a sort of body-overlay that reminded me of a dragon??? And he's continually just blowing big fogs of smoke all around the trees. I'm watching and I felt his anger and it made me nervous, I said "don't put bad vibes into it" and he stopped, his angry vibe dropped and he lost the sudden draconic "edge," now feeling more like one of ferns than sharp scales. He started coughing on the smoke, but the coughs became tearful almost immediately and he softly crumpled to the ground by the nearest pine tree, sobbing. He put his arms around it in a sort of sideways slouch and buried his face in it, quietly saying "I'm sorry" and just generally looking terribly heartbroken. The forest was all white smoke clouds, hanging low, and I got a smell of it and realized it was SAGE smoke, he was basically "smudging" the place, that was interesting. Hyakinth showed up to try and comfort him but then he got mad too, looked at me and asked "what's going on?" I don't remember what I said; memories fade fast and either way I know the info's there for him to get.

- Quite honestly this "nature=rape" lie has been around SINCE 2012 at least, back when the Tar-Celebi was still around. Infinitii arguably still holds that problem's roots due to its connection to Black energy: raw Black energy is basically sheer creative energy, but someone is deciding that "creative" equals "fertile" equals "it exists so you MUST participate in it." That's disgusting, to be passively violently coercing people like that. Stop. NO ONE is obligated to "participate in" ANY of that.
Except, there is a belief system down in our head that does believe that, that is so paralyzed with moral fear that it will GIVE IN to that mindset, even if it means dissociating massively, because "not giving in means I am rejecting God."
To which I say: what about priests? What about nuns? What about monks? What about all those holy people who take VOWS OF CELIBACY who you IDOLIZED as a child?? Or, at least, whoever we were as a child did? What about them? They're not rejecting "God," dude, they're totally devoted to the cause. And THEY'RE not feeling obligated to go out and forcibly procreate with everything because "I was born female, nature is reproducing, I cannot resist or I will be dragged along/ forced/ punished for rejecting nature!"
Dude, just… listen. Do you hear what you just internalized there?
"Being queer is a sin against nature." Isn't that what you heard countless times in the past? Well guess what? SUDDENLY once you got into college and tried to become part of those communities, you realized they were hypersexualized, and they didn't want you. So all of a sudden the message changes to "Sexuality is fine in ALL its forms because it's natural/ progressive/ liberating/ etc.!! But Asexuality is UNNATURAL and UNHEALTHY!" Just look at all the religious and medical texts that told you that. Honestly it's sad. But LOOK. THAT'S WHERE IT CAME FROM.
And now, this awful Tumblr time-period has put a new level to that: "All these "new age" religions insist on femininity and fertility being of utmost holiness! Therefore it is the ONE TRUE FAITH and you MUST HAVE SEX or else you are NOT GOOD!!"
You notice no one is actually SAYING that stuff, that's just how our addled brain reads all the bits and pieces and insinuations and things we see. We get such awful vibes from lots of it, I sure won't read more of it. Too many "obsessive" religious mindsets start thinking they have to obey it all instantly and without question, and that's unsafe. I just had to follow a bunch more polytheistic/ Hellenistic/ etc. blogs because "we" keep re-following them? But they keep causing huge relapse mindsets of "I'm filthy, too filthy for these other gods/goddesses to care about me," but "I'm terrified of being enslaved to even more beings, especially in a worship context," and "I don't feel comfortable worshipping anything like that, and I am terrified of being ordered/ demanded to do so by some deity I CANNOT refuse on penalty of death," etc. So there's a lot of rigid panicky fear tied to it. Therefore, UNFOLLOW. Sorry whoever wants to read their blogs but it is making your/our mind sick and that's not good.

- We're trying very very hard, again-- or, at least I am-- to "leave headspace behind" again. I have to. It's been a disaster since 2012. God I wish I knew WHAT HAPPENED that year, what the hell happened that destroyed us so badly? Either way, it's been almost 3 years (I almost said 5?) and we never really pulled back together, in some way.
Which is odd. Julie… wait, no. I almost said "Julie switched sides AFTER we came back" but that means we're seeing 2012 as 2010! We're two years behind.
Infinitii's timeline, though, exists in the mindset of "we NEVER WENT to SLC!" so that's even weirder. 2013 in general feels like its own thing, I just want to say. All that funky stuff with the Underground opening up in the spring, and then the "original girls" trying to destroy us multiple times in the fall… memories of that time are so surreal and frankly I need to go back and reread them to remember lots of it.
2014, I have no clue. I literally do not remember most of it. I know in January we were gone really, after the "massacre" around Christmas, but… everything else, no clue. It's a void.

Anyway. Maybe it's capitalism biting me in the ass but I keep feeling like "headspace isn't doing shit for anyone!" Like it's utterly worthless, it means nothing because it's not "giving to other people" or "making money to survive." I'm so tired of that daily-grind latter mindset, but the former one still bothers at my heart daily.
Lately, there's been so much ugliness in this journal, and I am afraid it is infecting people. I am afraid we have largely turned into a reservoir of evil. I do not want that.



Jasmine drew a picture of herself on this computer. Someone apparently told her to, and let her, and so she did. We can't look at it; it makes us feel just as nauseously anxious as that photo of Jennifer does.
It's kind of sad? Like we know she doesn't quite understand what she's doing wrong. So part of us pities her, feels bad for labeling her 'evil.' Then we have to remember that this is the same woman that thinks its okay to expose the children in the System to sexuality because "it's nature's gift" and shit and THAT is why I am fucking PISSED, THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING SINCE 2012 TOO.
Was it 2012? Christmas 2013 is the first recorded instance of it.
Anyway yeah. Forced sexuality into the Leagueworlds, but it's all directed towards children.
Read that again. CHILDREN.
This is why we're both freaked the hell out and disgusted. EVERY DAMN TIME we have a hacker in the System, they ONLY TARGET CHILDREN. THEY ONLY TARGET CHILDREN.
Have we spoken about this before??
They only target children, and people who are innocent/ virginal enough to count as "children" in some aspect. And in their targeting, they use coercion techniques and false sweetness to basically "passively force" these people into doing what they want, because 1. they don't understand, 2. they are not being informed so they CAN understand properly, 3. they are being told that "you MUST want this, this is GOOD," 4. this is sick. this is sick
It's like everything that CAUSED our System to develop is STILL perpetuating in loops, to everything it touches, even today.

God THIS is what we need to talk about in therapy. THIS IS THE DEEPEST PROBLEM.
This was the FIRST problem and God willing it is the LAST problem, because it is the CORE PROBLEM of EVERYTHING up here.
It all boils down to forcing a child to participate in something only adults should participate in.
It all boils down to not allowing a child to make their own choices about their own body, and their own personal space, and their own feelings of safety and privacy and comfort.
It all boils down to convincing a child that "love" in the family is all about pain and performance, while "love" outside the family is just "sex."

There's an entry about this that I really should finish writing first. Let me get to that.

Sorry for this mess of an entry. I've been sitting down too long today, I need to walk, it's sunny outside.