oct 4 2015

[prismaticbleed]

today, sunday 100415

in church, looking at glass etching of the paschal lamb with a flag=
"you have to let that longing inundate everything you do. you have to let it consume your heart."
not five minutes later, the post-eucharist message:
"so as to be transformed into what we consume"


rest of morning, talking to daemons.
apparently ALL daemons have two names, reflecting two sides of their nature.
not "good and bad," it’s far more blended.
infinitii eternos is the slight exception as ze took hir second name as a "surname," being a Central holder.
this is why rio's daemon resonates so strongly with BOTH "styx" and "lethe"; they are BOTH his names.

markus's daemon has not revealed her name yet. she hasn't talked to anyone but him yet either.
lethe said we'll "find her name when we are ready to receive it," it wasn't "giving" it was "finding."
I remember him saying "isn't that how all names are?" in that, the nature of a thing reflected in its real name is inherent, it just takes time to discover the correct arrangement of sound that echoes that, so to speak.

other big thing that stood out= all daemons have a certain way of interacting with people it seems, as far as touch goes. infi is very intimate, velvety is the only way I can describe it-- the slow soft touch of a hand against your face or side or chest. kind of a very slowed-down motion. soft weight behind it.
lethe is all spindly legs and fingers and he always seems to sit behind rio with his hands on his shoulders, head slightly to the left, something that always reminds me of how cats brush up to people. but he treats me like that too, it's not as creepy to feel as it looks, amusingly. you'd assume that with those skeletal digits. but it's comforting, motivating almost, there's more edge to it than infi but it's not sharp, just clear.
chocoloco is enveloping, with those big ribbony arms, ze's always sort of sitting in midair, like something halfway in the process of standing. it's a sort of subtle watchful feeling, but not negative. softer. surprisingly, as hir head is all painted-red eyes and sudden mouths full of perfect gargoyle teeth. but chocoloco doesn't touch people often. when ze does it's like i said, embracing without pulling anything close.
can't say anything about the other three daemons i know; they've never gotten close to me.


I asked lethe if he loved rio. he replied "I adore him"

I asked, surprised, why he (and the others) were being so kind with me?
responded with something like, "did you think we could love the entirety of souls we were born from, and not feel the same for every other soul there is?"
basically, daemons have a very unique deep compassion for all beings, as well as that equally distinctive rough-brilliant aura of justice, of integrity.
it's very close to how laurie feels, actually. so I find it interesting but fitting that she's the first nousfoni to have a daemon of her own (nexus). their vibes are close enough but unmistakably different.
I keep talking about vibes. I haven't mentioned how clearly I can feel people now. like their "energetic auras" inside aren't just little bubbles of sensory info around them, just a cloud of color and scent and texture. now they've got like… rooms. little mini realms. maybe that's it? maybe the nascent color realms caused this; they're basically glorified manifested extensions of the soul of each hue, so to speak, and we centralites hold that essence most clearly and close to our hearts. so that's a thing. but the point is I want to talk about it more, what it feels like, how beautiful it is to see that whole galaxy hovering around them like a

infinitii and lethe were discussing that actually-- the differences between nousfoni and daemons, because they were divided on whether or not I truly counted as either??? which is a very surprising and interesting thing to question.
the main two distinctions they brought up are=
1) nousfoni are individuals born from "anchors," or emot/psych/spirit roots that are potent enough to need a whole other internal being to exist and hold and function for. daemons are individuals taken directly from an individual's core, from their shadow-self, to mirror that back to them AS a part of their very being. this does not apply to nousfoni.
2) daemons are exclusively monstrous. nousfoni can have monstrous features but they are otherwise always humanoid. (those like emmett and vixie are not nousfoni, but other creatures that still count as "headvoices" in the current general generic usage of the term)
so the debate on the second was that i am naturally more proginoskes-ish? all eyes and feathers and white fire. but I do default to a humanoid state. on the first topic, I was not "taken from" another soul as infi was, but being a core-splinter I am more intrinsically bound to the "jewel bloodline" than any other nousfoni, effectively functioning as a "mirror" to them in a sense?
anyway lethe is wondering if I count as some sort of "hybrid." just like steven universe, haha. who knows. I'll let them talk.

daemons can also eat "tar food" inside and outside without harm. they're joining up with the e.d. people to prevent abusive eating as a result. however daemons seem to have this weird thing where they offer up themselves to be eaten instead of the problematic thing outside. which is interesting. it's like they act as stand-ins for "addictions" and other harmful substances, where they can somehow meet the unmet need such an addiction was the consequence of? like we all know, chocoloco is both chocolate and coffee. caffeine. uppers. but also weirdly grounding, soothing, a very "childhood comfort" vibe for us. looking for that same feeling of warm embracing brown-spectrum comfort outside? not gonna get it bro. come inside and take what you are offered. instantly the need is met. instantly you realize what really matters.
problem is the social/abusive fronters responsible for the worst health-sabotage don't care about what really matters. hence, we must get them out of the way. then if we can transmute them or just scrub them out, we will. transmuting is always better. internal alchemy. it's my jam, so to speak





later in the day…

emmett was out to eat. good.
he's getting surprisingly (and thankfully) comfy with eating around people? probably because of his childlike innocence and (ingénue? guilelessness?). he's such a safe fronter, thank god we have him, seriously. there is absolutely no risk, no danger, when he's solidly fronting. thank god. after all these teenage unknowingly-abusive alters coming back and eating pure garbage, we need emmett more than ever.


around 4pm, went walking up in the woods-- well, hoseki did.
but we went RIGHT up to the entrance to nightebi!! we haven't been there since cannon's timeline! so I am so so happy.
also we found, up there, a place that looks JUST LIKE where the kaiteo live. go freaking figure. that is incredible. so we took a few photos and walked around and I am so so so happy that we were there, even secondhand, hovering in the background. I'm going to go up there myself soon, especially once it snows. the only trouble is ensuring we are SAFE in the woods. poor celebi took the brunt of that, jasmine perpetuated the worst of it. but we've found the roots, they're shockingly neutral?? it's all good intentions, twisted in an unwanted way to cause harm. but it's a relief, to see that there is no malice in it. it's a huge relief. so that’s healable, easily so, once we can talk to the ones tied to it, and reroute that wish of theirs into something non-harmful.

cupid fronted this morning. we woke up early and it was kind of inevitable; cerise people are tied to "mood lighting" and anything before 6am and after 4 basically fits that.
anyway it's confirmed= chaos zero and aquamarine are different people. absolutely so. i need to talk about that more. now is not the time, there's too much info. and i do want to review it more to get my words more coherent. but yes cupid and aquamarine are still a thing and still exist, me and chaos zero are the same but separate. odd how i ended up so tied to him in the sense that he's still tied to his canon self. but i always wanted that i guess. for him, i didn't want a "new self" born up here from his roots, i wanted him, across all the universes, all the possibilities. so i got that. and i'm really really happy for that to be sincere.

did i tell you xenophon's been randomly ghosting more lately? she is and i love her, so much.
it's autumn now so i NEED to take her down to where we used to have violin concerts. show her the street. take photos. maybe tomorrow, if i'm sneaky, after therapy if i have time, we'll go. but i've been promising her that and lynne is excited too (but she was born in the opposite city) and gosh i love this season. i really do.
we already got kabocha squash from the garden (our own!), dad brought up a brussels sprouts tree from the farmers market, the air is silver, it's shaping up to be lovely as usual. now all we need to do is plug in the xbox, say hi to corvo, and check out the next dune book and it'll be just like last year, haha. without the anaesthesia!


new person today-- spinel.
came out all at once, not even in a punch or a rush, just a sort of shockingly solid "locked into place" clicking in. boom, all at once ze was there, no fanfare, just unquestionable, doubtless.
zer color is pink??? felt neon violet at first, then edging to cerise, then settled in for sure as a sort of neon pink.
they remind me somewhat of a zeti from sonic the hedgehog? they've got a bunch of pink&black striped horns on their head. and very vivid eyes.
but they're a good person. came into being with a clear sense of responsibility but no evident anchor yet. nevertheless they've got bones in the energy field. they'll stick around.


dear infi:
every once in a while I find something like this (http://christophercarrioned.tumblr.com/post/129787804264/it-is-three-at-night-i-have-something-to-say-you) on tumblr and you just
you say my name,
"jay,"
reaching out from your bubble of night with eyes like every star glittering silver at once,
and something in my heart just melts like ice in the springtime and
and I adore you, you know that.



I'm exceedingly tired and I'm listening to thumb pianos and they sound pinkish gold and I'm trying to write poetry.
the body isn't as sick today as it was. it was burning and strange and unfitting for about a week or three; it was hard to stay in it, there was too much red, it was too raw inside. now it's settling down but it's shaky, poor thing, sore throats and achy muscles and the need to just sleep sleep sleep. I'm trying to treat it kindly. it's still new, still a process. but I am nothing if not defined by total unconditional love so if I cannot have compassion for the sake of compassion itself, light in all things, well then I am not. and that's not a good thing.
really I think the only thing standing in my way, ironically, is vagueness. not ice, nothing is frozen. this is just too much space. too much empty air between me and feeling, seeing, touching anything. not even fog. it's glass, thick gluttonous fortress walls of glass, that's in my way.
laurie says take an axe to 'em. good idea babe.
did I tell you we're using gold weapons again? it's the only material that can cut through tar, quite literally, like a hot knife through butter. it just slices.
chaos used his sword the other day. I saw it for a moment out of the corner of my eye. so that's good, he still has it.
kyanos doesn't have a weapon. nor does cel, as far as we know. they're the only centralites who don't.


I'm tired but I'm not tired. the instant I lie down it's going to hit, I know.
but we have therapy tomorrow and we need to buy some special things for an idea we have so we do need to sleep. scherzando's battery is about dead anyway, give it some rest.

sorry to end this so abruptly. I'm feeling oddly alive right now listening to handbells and trying to remember what halloween is like and wondering about how nice life is and all these things I've never touched or seen or heard or smelled but theyre in my mind anyway. picking them up from the ether like prism drops. little beads of color in my mind. like everything there is and was and will be, I can touch. even if this body's never been. does that make sense
I can stand at the ocean right now and the sand under my feet, I can tell you exactly what it feels and tastes like and its oddly warm and the ocean is warm with an icy lace like a kiss and it's wonderful. see this is why I need to live inside more. everything is so real, so much more real somehow, felt like this, as unadulterated and clear as this.

but like I said. body sick, need to recover, the sea is waiting for me anyway. good night.