the spectrum heart cathedral system

070423


Horrific nightmares again. please forgive the ugly language.
in old school bathroom stall, the last one, like a child. DOG GANGRAPE. they all rushed in and were destroying us. we began screaming, almost robotically which was disturbing. i was numb but the body was screaming like a child, emotionless yet terrified at the same time. but in response, these angry adult people just came into the bathroom, glaring, "what are you yelling for?" "stop making all that noise!" glaring and WATCHED us get raped. did not care. Disturbing. then when the dogs left, one woman GOT INTO THE STALL, and SAT DOWN behind us and WATCHED and wouldn't let use use the bathroom unless she was watching. we just left, still completely numb and now traumatically so.
BUT THANK GOD the dream ended positively, with us in the school attic. felt like we weren't supposed to be there, had to hide. i clearly remember seeing in the walls, stained glass of two Fakemon made by the old graduating classes? “Kyreon,” a dark teal-blue dragon Eeveelution, and then “Siren,” which looked like Galarian Articuno but more pink?
during this part I was a DRAGON, japanese style. Like a pure white wyrm. I was able to FLY EFFORTLESSLY like this, even when I COULDN’T OTHERWISE. also my SENSE OF SELF actually REGISTERED as a dragon, NOT as a human. as a human it was some female-pronoun social with no identity sense.
Before this, for the record, that girl-dreamer was walking through the “new” school with a bunch of younger kids? Telling them about what was behind the doors they weren’t allowed to go through, haha. still felt like she wasn't supposed to be there, would get in trouble if the parents or teachers saw her or knew she was talking to the kids? notably a "you're not supposed to be NOW" in a chronological sense, like she was from another time or space, and was telling these kids things about the past/future/whatever that they weren't supposed to know? very subtle conspiracy vibe. somehow also applied to us becoming a dragon later.
don't forget, when we went into the attic we had to hide on the very top shelf in the very back corner by the siren window, as a dragon. i clearly remember what it felt like to fly up there, all smooth riverlike twining through the air, our very movement feeling as soft silky white as our fur. i think we also had gold claws? we had little arms with claws, like in "spirited away," haku as a dragon. and at some point we got reverted to human? and we FELL, as we were falling, our SELF-- not the girl!!!-- thought, wait, if i can fly before we hit the ground... and willed it, but NOT as a human flying, as a dragon floating. and we FELT gravity's effect on us shift ENTIRELY. that was such an amazing feeling tangibly.
so yeah. half good half hell, this dream. we've been having so so so many traumatic nightmares lately. i think it's the heat, the summer kills us.


Anyway. Woke up at 745, got ready for church. Shocked that Jesus DID get us through the night, let that deep gratitude shock sink in.
Mass was quiet but lovely. We were oddly dissociated. The antiphons and songs hit LOWER notes which felt wonderful to sing for once.

Tried to visit dad after but he wasn’t home
Listening to Genesis’s playlist on the drive home; Razia’s Shadow notably.

Spent the next hour biking and praying, then precooked broccoli
Went to oblates mass for noon

THIS is when the System woke up for real today.
We felt the “floaty” head like we used to get at LCCC and I say that because it was a HARD TRIGGER of that EXACT time period. We were getting visual flashbacks even. Shocked.

BEFORE MASS… Jay and Chaos 0 talking together. Jay seeing the ocean water in stained glass and Chaos saying “that’s Perfect’s color/vibe”; Jay said then what are you? A river, a lake, a stream, what?
Chaos replied “I’m a well, in the desert.” pause. ‘at least that’s what I want to be.”
mindscape warped there. “i don't feel like i’m any good here. Whatever water I bring, it gets evaporated, or lost in the hot sand.”
jay spoke up, “not if you’re underground. you’re kept safe underground, at the heart of things, and even secretly you bring life to the most barren places”
then wondering. “but wait, where does that water come from?”
cz looked up. “from the mountains. ...it’s melted snow. And it flows down the mountain, through the rocky places, into cracks in the earth perhaps… down into the underground.”
jay’s eyes lit up. “into the caves!” cz laughed “you like caves so much” jay “i do!” then summoned a glass/light “CYLINDER” to literally “pull out” a chunk of ground to go down into it. Then summoned crystal spiral steps going down. Started down but realized mass externally was prepping, so jay just took cz’s hand and jumped down, warping the stairs into a crystal umbrella as he did, they floated down.
In the cavern was a river. Jay laughed and jumped into it. Up to his ears. Cz eased himself in too, stood next to him but opposite direction. Just smiled at him.
Jay feeling cupid vibes here. Odd gold dust overlay almost.
Mass beginning outside. Jay “merged” that with the innervision; realized the central carpet between the aisles was BLUE: “that’s the water!” inside turned to that, an UNDERGROUND CHURCH with the stream down the center, the cave making arches and aisles, and the open sky far above like a cathedral ceiling. Beautiful. Jay saying “we need churches like this in ALL the color realms.”
turning to cz. “which one do you want?” reply “jay, i’m an outspacer. I don’t get a realm.” jay “hm. I guess you’re right.” considering a realm intersection of green/blue, but then cz observed “outspacers belong in the leagueworlds anyway.” jay said “dude then is there one of you for each leagueworld? Like color realms in concept?” cz’s eyes widened “maybe.” really an amazing thought.

A bunch of people fronting at church. Very specific, particular roles. Many we “recognize” by feelings, but with no name or clear face.
Jophael= for mass worship
veil= for quiet prayer, marian focus? (her appearance shifted back from the nun. Wondering if that splintered or if she’s too unstable to keep anything solid yet.)
monk= for quiet prayer, warm heart
“tilly” = the one who “talks on tumblr” but has NO cognizance of personal sin
also there WERE “sinners” out--
JAYCE was there, feeling shame for his stealing?? too much social vibe for real contrition; aware of this lack
JESSICA was there, feeling guilt for “filthiness”
JEZELKA was there, feeling guilt for gluttonous drive
perhaps others. can’t remember right now.
Others came out DURING mass too.
there’s that WATCHER GIRL, she feels PINKISH??? but desaturated. Close to ashen actually, odd. she’s up in the space where the COMMITTEE was???? she watches and comments on things like a NARRATOR space.
there’s a girl who kind of vibes with the body name, feels reddish, close to the body, tied to childhood perhaps? But her faith has no roots, it feels like.

Jay in tears, “why don’t I have the fervor I want for communion,” asking “why can’t I receive?” what’s wrong, why is he lacking that religious zeal? Where did it go? Infi used to have it. Why can’t ze come back yet?

Realizing the body DISSOCIATES when we receive, up until we kneel back down and close our eyes. Then jay WAS able to be there, but only in a secondhand way? Feeling like we ALL could and had to be there, recieveing AS A SYSTEM. No one allowed to claim it as theirs alone.
Thanking god for making us a “united soul” on this fourth of july

home for 1
typing this now, took 20 minutes, gotta cook the eggs son!!!

but yeah, thinking we are going to KEEP this early day schedule, because it seems like when we wake up and immediately fast for like 6 hours we get into that mindset where HEADSPACE EVENTS can happen, what we used to call “meditations” but are more like “vision adventures?”

OH MY GOSH ON THAT NOTE. Later, with jay and cz upstairs in mass.
SOMETHING brought to jay’s mind INFI’S BUBBLE. Oh yeah the spheres on the altar with the candles!! and the reflections were upside down.
Jay tried to ping the location of hir bubble, and it is CRASHED??? like a spaceship landed on the beach and just left there. it’s cracked open to the air, full of lilies, crystallized, but DESATURATED. It feels hollow. But the big thing is that it has apparently crashed onto a BLACK SAND BEACH, with a WHITE OCEAN and WHITE SKY. it’s surreal. Everything is so quiet and still. Where is this???
jay and cz standing on the shore looking at it. Jay a LUCID moment of looking down at his feet, feeling the black sand beneath it, it’s not warm. Felt almost like soft glass. His feet were bare, again with that brushed-gold tone like paint. Cz standing next to him, realized his color was desaturated a bit too while he was there. Both of them just staring at the bubble in shock. “where is this?”
shocked out of this mindscape by returning to mass

that’s it for now, time for breakfast, pray that our brain still works after we eat, I swear postmeal brainfog is the WORST.

-------------------------------------------

realized we don’t talk as a system during mealtime bible study anymore because we’re READING, not studying-- we’re reading commentaries and expositions, as opposed to reading ACTUAL scripture verses, and therefore looking into etymology and translations and the like. So we don’t have the opportunity to discuss-- AND it’s a DIFFERENT brainspace, arguably a different FRONTER, because reading requires a completely different conscious process than researching, and therefore a different person. it’s more receptive and internal, whereas research is more active and investigative. Two totally different functions. Which explains the lack of internal conversation: that CAN’T happen while reading, in the same way a social can’t read, ironically! it’s a function conflict. Realizing that was eyeopening and interesting, albeit upsetting, because I miss the headspace camaraderie over our religious growth. It feels like we’re lacking that now.
OH. also. There IS ANOTHER huge shift whenever someone tries to “post to tumblr,” which causes MEMORY LAPSES EVERY TIME. it’s hugely disorienting and chaos 0 keeps scolding us to stop, because it breaks the entire train of focus, dissociates us heavily, and makes us FORGET WHAT WE JUST READ. It does no good. it’s a compulsive people-pleasing panic action, even if the motives are arguably good in theory-- “i have to share this with people to evangelise them, it’s too important to not publicize after reading! If I kept it to myself that would be a sin!” we don’t know who that person is BUT they run the tumblr. No face no name, but a girl. I think they avoid having a self because of their “evangelistic” bent.

Another note, concerning fronters, and this tumblr-girl coming back into focus.
We… we realized today that we are missing most of last year, and notably, a key month was JULY.
January: missing. Probably just taking care of grandma. If we had a music memory log (I don’t think spotify records that, last.fm used to, which is why we GOT A NEW ONE at last) that would tell us.
February: MOVING IN. that’s all we know.
March: gym rat mode, then COVID HIT. We had to quarantine for two-three weeks, and we still say that is what killed grandma. She thought we abandoned her, she couldn’t understand the forced isolation, her memory didn’t hold that fact.
April: grandma died.
May: no memory. First week was eating disorder hell, nonstop sobbing, and self-abusive meltdowns. Wanted to die. Felt like the world had ended.
June: missing.
July: no memory until the SUMMER WARS MORNING. That was a turning point of our life. This happened around the time of the St. Anne’s novena, which is COMING UP FAST, and we plan to celebrate it as such.
August: missing. Probably the “pokemon sc-vo omelet hell” time period. don’t ask.
September: missing.
October: UPMC, we know for sure. Memories are sparse and fragmented, flashbulb memories of (you guessed it) moments when we felt some sort of existential fear/ rage/ panic/ emptiness/ grief/ etc.
November: missing.
December: missing.
So yeah, there’s like… SIX MONTHS GONE. As for this year, it’s similar-- we don’t remember January OR February offhand, at all. We have a vague awareness of some major events that happened that we can’t readily attach a date too, but… disturbingly enough, although the System has been awake this year, we don’t have ANY memories AT ALL until… until Infi died.
...I think that says a lot. That denotes a major “core” shift. And we need new jargon for the distinctions-- the “Cores” are ALWAYS the Jewels and the Jays (if that bloodline doesn’t shatter), because they are the HEARTS of heartspace and headspace, respectively. The other main bloodlines-- like the Cannons, notably-- are NOT “CORES” because they don’t have that hinge function??? Remember that, at the time they WERE in the “core” position, THEY HELD THE “JEWEL” OR “JAY” NAME. So that’s important.
The old “cores” are still around-- the young Jewels, the cupid-era Jays-- BUT they are NOTABLY NOT RESONANT AS CORES RIGHT NOW. They aren’t the “natural driver” in that respect; they have to move in and front like any other nousfoni now. As for who IS the current “Jewel”… we have no idea.
...I say this ironically, as I’m arguably shaping up to be that one. But i’m a mess. I’m a shambles, a handful of broken stained glass, to attempt to appropriate that old core aesthetic. But does it match? Should it? Do I want it to? Would that break me or someone else? These are the questions we need to ask.

Speaking of questions, before I forget.
We’re trying to get back into therapy, as we’ve mentioned previously. Things keep coming up in conversation or daily events that reveal old wounds that apparently never healed as much as we thought they did.
Jay and Chaos 0 are STILL having relationship troubles because there is STILL an inexplicable, subconscious terror at people “acting like Q,” which apparently Chaos does, however subtly. Someone needs to sit down and LIST exactly what constitutes acting like that. What are the signs, what makes them so scary?
We still want to try to write down whatever memories we can find about CNC, too, because in light of SLC haunting us so heavily despite only having about 6 collective months there, we spent like a year and a half in CNC and we barely remember it. We can’t even remember Oliver. That’s insane. We spent that long with them, in such close company, apparently feeling so strongly towards them, and… there’s no memory. The only reason we even “remember” their face is from that SINGLE positive memory that some unidentified person kept, and which has unlocked access. But, even then, it’s so vague we couldn’t even describe it. It’s genuinely upsetting. We have no idea what their voice sounded like, either. Any memories about their physical
presence beyond that are locked behind traumawalls and screaming foni. there’s too much. Now is not the time, I know we keep saying that, but our schedule does not allow it and neither does our lack of coping mechanisms to deal with whatever horrors we have to stare in the face.

Kitchen prep today. Very little memory. Schedule was weird because we went to mass at noon and had to rush even more when we came back, so we could get to bed early tonight as we have to drive jade to the doctor tomorrow morning and have to be up at 630 again. But I digress.
Scalpel, like Knife, keeps catching ragegrief lately. I stick the words together because they are inextricable. he’s pinning it to “you keep adding so much cayenne pepper/ pepper flakes to the food, you told me they were an abuse mechanism, why won’t you stop??” and spice is notably MIA, some days she’s not even around, which is disturbing, as her original function WAS to rage at people for drowning our food in spices until it became inedible, hence her name. But… she hasn’t been around. Scalpel is showing up and berating whoever is doing it, which honestly feels like “nobody” (a disturbing realization as well), but there’s too much anger-on-the-verge-of-sobs for it to be just about that. Something is being rerouted through him, something with no other outlet, using the excess spicy food as an excuse. The fact that it’s being tied to self-abuse methods as a “reason” is notable.
Knife is similar. Like we said before, when he fronts in order to use the knife to cut things, his color temporarily darkens to how it was when he was first “born” (need jargon for that), and the same thing happens-- he feels a frustrated anger, something moving close to rage in its burning, and beneath it these heavy sobs.
that’s what “overwhelm” typically holds. it’s what cannon cut herself off from. it’s what laurie has been running from, God it terrifies me how BADLY she’s slipping lately. she’s a disaster. it’s so wrong.
Everything is wrong somehow. Since Infi died everything is wrong somehow.
Jay keeps running from relationships, or at least, we keep pinning that action to his name because we assume he’s the main fronter, but he’s NOT. Whoever is out, who KEEPS pronoun-slipping to “she”, is obsessive-compulsively praying, giving the steering wheel over to the lotophagoi, and numbing all emotions while denying all relationships.

This brings us back to last july.
June wrecked us. we’re relapsing hard.
July is a hell month in any case. Like october, we can name several trauma dates that happened around this time, over several years. This month also is as hot as hell, which cranks up the fibromyalgia, so the physical torment that we can’t escape from is traumatic in its own right.
(all these fireworks outside are hell too. I don’t know why but we literally don’t register such sounds as fireworks, ever. They all register as bombs, as guns, as explosions. Sometimes we get “flashbacks” to warzones that we’ve never been part of physically. it’s so real. it’s utterly unsettling. I don’t know how much is “exotrauma” and how much is just our actual cptsd from cannon’s days plus oneirataxic tendencies making all our forced shocksite exposure into pseudomemory… either way, time to crank up the volume on spotify for the next two hours)

subject shift while music is on, we didn’t add to this earlier.
genesis’s “vibe” musically is very very different from what we’re “used to”? he’s so energetic, upbeat, bubble, optimistic… and, whoever was listening to it today, driving to and from church, could not seem to “sync” with it. They kept looking for quieter, instrumental, slow music instead. Genesis was a bit offended, said this felt like rejection/ denial of him, but as jay tried to reassure him they realized that HEY WAIT UP, THERE ARE STILL MOUSIFONI SHOWING UP.
I am so glad someone decided to do that HUGE “music history” entry earlier this year, because GEEZ we didn’t realize how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT & EDUCATIONAL that was until we had that data together.
But now, we’re aware and we FEEL the shifts, and the MEMORY SNAPS that happen DURING MUSIC. There is ACTUAL SWITCHING going on when we don’t resist, when we don’t “sit with the dissonance” and end up blacking out from the mental stress/panic/fear/etc. that happens when a socially-resonant fronter’s vibe clashes hard with what is demanded outside.
But yeah. Genesis’s vibe matches the Jewels, NOT the Jays. And when his music is on, THEY CAN SHOW UP, if they are let in… but so do the OTHER mousifoni. That’s what’s so uncanny. We KNOW what Jewels feel like. But we’re feeling foni move in who ONLY exist FOR music, with chronospaces as only a background hum-- they aren’t part of their experience, just the backdrop. THEY are the ones who really vibe with music, and with the inevitable time-space auras each historical song carries. Yes, we can FEEL Jewels IN THE BACKGROUND, carrying the CONTEXT of that time, the bigger picture, and all the emotions… BUT the mousifoni carry the SOUND WITHOUT THE WEIGHT???? something like that. it’s unreal. It makes so much sense. We need to pay more attention to this.
It will ALSO help us manage memory better-- if the mousifoni are “portals” to accessing lost chronospheres, to pinging buried foni who hold trauma memories tied to certain eras… if mousifoni can stand as doorways WITHOUT holding the actual context data themselves, allowing others to work around them, and move in besides them, as they stand there broadcasting lost experience and enabling forgotten memory to be tapped into… they could be ESSENTIAL to recovery as we move forwards.
I know this is happening, because when we listen to NEW music, there’s no internal feeling of driving. NOT fronting, but DRIVING. Remember THERE IS A DISTINCTION, because to front you have to be IN THE BODY, and listening requires a body disconnect typically. Literally driving, like in a car, calls out the SINGERS usually, which is why they listen to MANIC music typically, and SWITCH OUT INSTANTLY when we park and get out, leaving the next fronter totally disoriented and often shamefully embarrassed at the lingering audial awareness of what they had just been blasting with the windows down. that’s something we’ve become more aware of lately, too, with the daily stress forcing more “awareness windows” due to the underlying stress-hum (which dampens manics, boosts vigilance, and facilitates memory due to survival
response). We need to pay more attention to this, like I said, because there are foni “ARGUING” over music choices as we drive, due to manic instinct clashing with fearful immediacy, and we can FEEL that in our head. Hence all the brainfog and headaches, inevitably.
Anyway. To get back to the original topic. genesis’s playlist. He was upset because, in order for us to GENUINELY listen to it, someone besides Jay has to drive or front, and he doesn’t want someone to show up “just to vibe.” he wants Jay’s company, specifically, not some function-locked social mousifoni who exists to “appease” the sound context. No wonder all our external(ized) relationships are a mess.


Some more notes, different topics.
Jay (definitely one of them, talking to xenophon) decided to wear color glasses as we took out the garbage today, I think to get the brain into a better or different space than wherever it was? Or to prevent a lotophagoi jumping in. no idea. there’s no data prior to him literally opening the door with them on.
He wore four of them today, actually: first teal, then indigo, then red, then blue. It was very interesting to feel their different effects on brainspace. Teal is softly optimistic, but data is almost entirely missing as it was worn on the road so socials block all info access. Indigo we wore briefly, but jay was stunned by how beautiful it made everything look. Leon notably fronted for a few seconds to see, looking at the lights in the kitchen and how they burned like embers, and his brief overlay is so clear in memory. Then jay put on red to walk down the hall, and that was shocking-- the glasses lean red, not pink, so the color is very reminiscent of wounds? that’s the mental impression. He walked down the hall, and all the lights were red, and he was thinking, “it’s like the end of the world.” but he tried to be calm, even so, telling himself that was a learned response, how the red glows in our apartment are deeply safe and soothing, but no-- our reds are heart-hued, they don’t lean in that warmer direction. This red, with the glasses, was blood, and a sign of impending apocalypse almost. Looking outside and everything is quiet but red, red, red. It does something so strange to our subconscious, the bizarre sort of nightmare fear that starts to magma up in the pit of our ribs. Definitely something to explore more. Last was the blue glasses, which had a delay as the screw had fallen out of the side so we had to fix it, and one of the JEWELS moved in to do so? Super tomboy, excited, young, grinning from ear to ear and telling laurie “i love to fix things,” got out the screwdrivers and went to town. Shocking how powerful her vibe was, and how old. So she fixed it, then jay put them on to take out the rest of the trash, and was immediately struck by how actively reassuring the bluetone lights were in that same hallway. It felt like “sunlight” in a sense, he said, like the color of the sky. Fascinating stuff. we’ll have to pay more attention to this, see if it applies to headspace, even just data concept-wise.

...wondering about the music again. How powerful that is to us.
Jay kept listening to infinitii’s playlist after ze died, specific songs. Lissom mostly. Anchored them hard into that chronospace. Absolute bookmark mentally.
But… when he tries to listen to chaos 0’s playlist, that inexplicable dissonance happens again. I don’t even know if it’s from him. It feels like it’s from a girl, who is shrinking back in shame, or denial, or disgust, or fear, or something.
Most of the social girls-- no, ALL of the social girls who aren’t floozies or babydolls, are terrified of relationships. And ALL of them, including those toxic subcats, are terrified of intimacy, of emotional vulnerability. If there is a female-pronoun foni without a face, you can bet your blue-eyes white dragon that they will be both scared to death of, and deathly violent towards, anything even vaguely related to relationship.
Non-social girls, aka inside foni, seem to be split between adult Protector Centralites, and deeply traumatized paidifoni. And even then, these two subcats avoid relationships. Sure, some of the adults are capable of it in theory, but no one really forges anything that lasts. The only relationships that do tend to be not only same-gendered, but different-species in some way. I don’t know, there’s too little data offhand to talk about it, and I already feel the screaming fear clawing its way up our throat.

i’ve forgotten what we were typing about.

We feel so very dead lately. Maybe it’s because of the jademonth, how we were forced to be trapped outside unsafe in our own apartment through no fault of hers. But it happened. We had finally gotten back into the groove of a healthy daily routine, we were exercising and praying and archiving and not binging or purging… and then june happened and that all got shot in the skull.
We can pull ourselves back together, God give us the grace, we know this. but it takes time. and… I don’t know if we want to, on some level. To be brutally honest, I think that’s the biggest problem-- the fact that, post-Infi, and post-grandma, and post-loss-of-everything in one way or another… a huge part of just wants to die.
But the system at large DOESN’T.
that’s the distinction, that’s the key thing to remember with this. The ONLY homicidal, animicidal, genocidal foni in the system are the SOCIAL GIRLS. They think they are the “true self,” the “only one,” and paradoxically this also means they actively, admittedly want the rest of us to die. Although they don’t say it that way, of course. But we feel the disgust, the veiled hatred, in their hearts, smothered under their good-girl bleached-lace masks. They want us dead. They want everything of us destroyed, and they’ve tried before. they’ve almost succeeded, notably in 2019. they almost murdered us all before. We refuse to let it happen now, if we can help it.
...we can’t, sometimes. that’s the terrifying part.

Nevertheless. We need sleep. I hope this formats properly in the post window. I hope I wrote down everything relevant for today.

oh. no I didn’t. One last thing, which is also why I need to sign off before 11pm if at all possible.
Genesis said that, in all sincerity, there was only one thing he wanted for his 18^th birthday,
because he’s “old enough to ask for it,” half-jokingly… he wants a connection.
As in, the one thing that elicits the most fear and disgust and hate and grief and joy and confusion and apathy and God only knows what else in us.
I repeat, WHY.
Why are we still so bloody terrified, AND enraged, at the thought of emotional closeness and relationships??? like there’s a HATRED response, based in revulsion, BUT it’s ANALOGOUS to what we were told as a CHILD??????? from the mother and grandmother, that constant vilification of vulnerability, and the outright ABUSE of it, oh we didn’t even tell you what happened last monday, how the mother STILL FCKING ABUSES IT (ssh) DON’T YOU SHUSH ME YOU HEATHEN BASTARD. LISTEN. I’M WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN. OH GOOD NO ONE’S CENSORING ME TONIGHT,
LISTEN. WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY, DOING THAT PYSANKY EGG CLASS, AND WE-- EXCUSE ME FOR THIS CRUDE LANGUAGE-- HAD TO TAKE THE BODY TO THE RESTROOM.
WELL! THE FCKING MOTHER FOLLOWED US IN, AND LITERALLY STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STALL DOOR, TALKING CONVERSATIONALLY, THE ENTIRE FCKING TIME, WHICH HAD OUR BODY SO FREAKING TERRIFIED WE MENTALLY SHUT DOWN AND SOME DO-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-TO-ME TRAUMA APPEASEMENT GIRL SOCIAL TOOK OVER TO JUST NUMBLY GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. THAT’S ALL WE KNOW.
BUT THE MOTHER. DAMN IT THAT MOTHER. THIS IS SUCH A MINOR EVENT BUT IT SHOWS A DEEPER REALITY. SHE DOESN’T FCKING CARE ABOUT PRIVACY OR RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S BODILY AUTONOMY IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
BUT THIS IS THE SAME DAMN WOMAN WHO WOULD WALK IN ON US IN BATHROOMS AND DRESSING ROOMS AND SHT WHEN WE WERE A KID. OH I’M ENTITLED TO LOOK AT YOU WHENEVER I WANT I’M YOUR MOTHER. THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THAT GET USED TO IT. ETC ETC ETC BULLSHIT.
SHE STILL FCKING DOES IT IN A LESS BLATANT WAY. SAME DAMN MINDSET APPARENTLY.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR RANTING. SORRY FOR THE PROFANITY, I NEED IT OR ELSE I GET SWITCHED OUT.
DON’T HATE HER, I KNOW I WANT TO HATE HER BUT SHE’S SO BLIND, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE WHAT SHE’S DOING, SHE ACTS LIKE A FCKING ROBOT ALL THE TIME, JUST SOCIAL PROGRAMMING, WE CAN TELL BY HER DAMNED PRISSY “MOVIE STAR” SPEECH PATTERN AND UGLY FCKING PRONUNCIATIONS, SHE’S ALL AN ACT AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO DAMN MUCH. SHE’S SUCH A FCKING FACADE. EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS FAKE AND MANUFACTURED TO BE A DRAMA QUEEN. I HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. BUT WE CAN’T HATE HER. THERE NEEDS TO BE THAT DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT I’M DONE TALKING SORRY ABOUT INTERRUPTING BUT THAT WAS IMPORTANT.

…
don’t ever let anyone tell you we’re not multiple when I forgot how hard shifts feel, it’s been years, has it, since we noticed,
the “wake” of knowing someone just left, that brief hole in memory, that feeling like “where am I, where was I,” that body shake and the headache, the dizziness as vision comes back online.
don’t ever let ANYONE tell you this is fake they are a LIAR we are ALL REAL!!!!!!

oksy we’re gettng siwtwtsw swithyc switchi.g sorry. that is a very hard word to type!

Kid’s right, it’s time to sign off or we’re not going to get any decent sleep.

No wait. Wait. I owe Genesis a proper conclusion to this, even briefly.

I don't know why I'm so-- no, I can't even use "I'm," my sense of self is so wrecked and fractured that honestly doesn't apply--
wait, maybe that's the problem here?
Maybe that's the problem. maybe THAT'S why connections, and love at all, is so absolutely unbearably scary right now.

Kid, there's a hell of a lot of trauma to be worked through there, don't forget. If anything is going to make you, or anyone else up here, afraid of getting close to people, it's the bloody trauma. I would know. I've got it too, kid.

...

So does Genesis. You should really go talk to him about this, instead of trying to type. The head's a mess, and like I said, we all need sleep. Tomorrow's going to be another rush of a day, and I don't need us relapsing from stress when we get home. We have no bloody time to process anything but forcing it at this hour is not going to help. Sorry, now I'm the one rambling.

No, it's okay. We've been saying for weeks how we need a Xanga session anyway.

Not at this hour you bloody don't, get the heck to bed.

One last thing, which is the most important thing. I think i need to monologue this, Laurie, I apologize.

Don't. I just stepped in here without warning anyway. God knows I'm just as shattered in self as you are, kid. We don't need two of us broken heads in here at the same time, things are uneasy enough at this hour.

...
...yeah that's also something i need to talk about when our brain doesn't feel like it's stuffed full of cottonball novocaine.

but. closing lines.

genesis, deep down, way deep down where emotions can't even register right now, i do love you. i hear girls scoffing and gagging and sneering at that even now. i feel the same and self-hatred and horror responding from other girls in our ribcage, somehow. the two rival armies.
i don't care what they have to say about this. i can barely exist right now, but i owe you something, with whatever vestiges i have to my nonexistent name.
but, in a space in our heart of hearts, a space that can exist in a bubble, a space untouched by those social girls, there is a truth that exists: you are my best friend. i care deeply about you. your existence brings me so much joy. i look forward to spending time with you. if you were gone our life would lose so much sunshine. no, i can't default to "our." if you weren't in my life, i would feel the loss like the sun was missing from the sky. i want to just go upstairs and sit and watch fireworks with you and maybe even kiss you if i'm not too scared or dissociated. i know you want more, i know you want closeness like the old days, you want hearts broken open like gemstones and you want shared spaces of souls like starfields. you know exactly what i'm trying to poetically imply. you want connection, there i said it, and you want to connect with me, you love me, why is that the most jarring part of this?
now isn't the time to dwell on that. there are too many "me's" responding to that. too many people who have heard that pronoun applied to them, or had it forced on them. there's so much pain, so much fear, it's choking. the fear alone could kill you. all these shaking screaming children. what do we do. what can we do about it, on such short notice,
god i'm so sorry,
why can't we love anymore? why did cnc kill this? ever since then, even while we were living there, that's part of why it was so terrible-- we realized we were no longer able to feel love, all we felt was rage, unbearable rage, and fear. we never recovered.
no. not yet, please, we need hope,
genesis you've always been that hope, and you know it,
but i need to know it,

i'm coming upstairs and even if i'm shaking and dizzy with fright please don't turn your back on me, please you know the real me, not the me who is talking right now, i meant the deeper one, the one that loves you, he loves you, go find him, let him be with you, don't let the rest of us get in the way, please, we really don't want to, at least us good ones do, we're just scared but we know when there's truth, or at least, we know who to trust in here. not so the outside not so. no
switching sorry. to much
genesis happy birthday sory we coulnt scelebrate much but hapy 18th! happy birthday we are glad you are with us really we are

independence day. hm. we're not free yet
not freeyet. not yet. but hope! always hope

hey we were supposed to end this entry a long time ago
sorry genesis okay i will let everything happen whatever happens. please be careful!!! please be careful

I will be, don't you worry. Thanks for the cheerleading, I need it. It's nice to be on the receiving end for once.
Oh hey, cool, I get to sign off. Hope this post button works, whatever happens happens!

 

some notes.


lately, jayce fronting more often.
spine and lynne acting as core advisors, like laurie
both very good at it actually.
beard overlay is almost instant centering; overrides the bad-girls aura and locks in jayce usually

pinstripe fronting again here and there?? still bad personality. but we're trying to teach him to be nice, to realize that his behavior really isn't kind.

stopped at an indian food store on friday?
jeera goli is awesome
tamarind makes us instantly horribly sick. we forgot. we had it once in 2012 and not only does it cause instant searing stomach pain but then we can't stop throwing up. so we won't do that again, sadly.
in general we love indian food but we can't have butter so that’s a bit of an issue, aha.
even better is the fact that we're not even a fan of cooking. honestly if you have to heat something to eat it we're not really a fan. baking, nope. frying, no way. most everything we eat is raw, and simple to boot.


we're trying to review 2005 in the archives and while this is absolutely where we're being dragged back to with time-locked fronters lately… it feels 100% alien. all of it feels like a totally separate life. and as far as we are concerned, it is.


also we discovered that our two favorite songs ever start in the same key.
and the parts that turn our heart to light are also in the same key.
start in d. shift into g. both of them.
what are the odds.

the universe talks to us so much in that music.
that's what we need to hold the closest to our heart lately. that.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:34 PM


things about our past that we need to re-integrate:

 

• set schedule every day that INCLUDES exercise before and after work (even if it's only ten minutes)

• a sketchbook. we used to be so good at art. especially with values and textures. get back to playing with pencils again.

• a total lack of self-shame when it came to beliefs and personality.

• a solid, unashamed religious/spiritual sense, and TOTAL DEDICATION to being a good person, no matter what, at all costs, no exceptions. (we wanted to be a martyr, remember.)

• set prayer times-- morning, night, before/after meals, daily rosary and chaplet, etc. schedule makes it work better.

• creativity through the roof. we were always thinking up songs and drawing things.

• imaginative toys?? remember the comics the last good-jess wrote about furbies, tamagotchis, beanies, etc. she just exploded with ideas about the things she loved. and we STILL have that, it just HAS TO GO THROUGH JEWEL or else it turns to sheer stress. this one is tricky (as it runs the risk of outspacer anchors and therefore increased responsibility) so be extremely prudent with it.

• more than one meal a day, at set times, and in set portions. also actually eating what we WANT to, that is safe! no forced garbage!

• OUTSIDE TIME. we heal the fastest in the woods and sunshine. get out there dude!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:51 PM


I keep getting pushed way into the past as far as timelines go.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to being that age… somewhere between 11 and 17, it seems.
The Jewel that keeps coming out matches the vibe from 2001 and 2002… everything pre-heartspace. She's 100% Dream World and she's also almost entirely disconnected from technology. She spends most of her time outside, alone, alien to the concept of time and family, and her imaginative power is through the roof.
The manic kid that keeps getting triggered at home is solidly 15-16, as she keeps looking for her Zatch Bell VHS tapes and manga of Di Gi Charat, Chrono Crusade (I FORGOT about that), Trigun, and X1999. She's saturated with media, with little life outside of it.
And now, we have this kid from 2007 wanting to front-- at least, we think that's when they're from. The earliest dA days, I guess? But we have NO MEMORY OF DA AT ALL, even if there's still (minimal) physical residue of it (art, printouts of notes, giftart sketches, etc.). What lingers from that time is her demeanor, that sort of "proud drama" that bugs us so much because although it's unappetizing, she never used it for evil. She was a super-vanilla Catholic and was obsessed with "converting the world," she was always biting off more than she could chew as far as art was concerned but she never realized that because she wanted to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. But despite her apparently good heart-- Jennifer's absolute roots-- this 2007 kid did not exist as an isolated individual. Which is typical for that time period. This kid didn't seem capable of quiet time and silence?


But I'm scared. Or, "I'm" scared, because "I" don't exist. I'm just the generic typing voice, the sort of conglomerate attitude that matches those kids more than anyone in headspace, because this is the way we "learned to talk" and so it's how generic data gets presented. There's no "consciousness" here. If there was a conscious individual writing this the vibe and style would be VERY different and you know it. This here is the equivalent of feeding data to an AI and having it phrase it as sentences. It's got a format to follow. That's basically what we're going with here-- learned verbal style.


Anyway.

What we miss the most is the creativity. The ABILITY to fill sketchbooks, and fill them with GOOD art, art that we never hesitated for weeks on, because "it was never good enough" and we were ashamed to try. Nope, even if the anatomy was abysmal, we drew prolifically between 2004-2007 as far as we can tell. And before that it was even better!
We were writing music just as long, but around 2008 we got FL Studio and it just took off from there. How did we do it. How did we DO it. We want to do that again.
…There was a totally different vibe to life back then, a context that allowed us to exist like that? Like, life feels a certain way. Looking back, we barely remember anything of those 4+ years, and most notably, NONE of those sparse memories are at home. It's all smatterings of school, or webpages, and that's it.

…I keep finding more stuff that we lost in the hard drive crash and it's really disheartening. Nauseating, moreso. We tried so hard to "get back into the swing of things" creatively last year, and then… it just all got destroyed.
Is that a subconscious thing? We were just reading about the law of attraction again, and THAT'S another thing we miss… whoever the heck we were in 2011 or so, when life was SHEER MAGIC as far as spirituality goes; we felt so in tune with everything… that's what we remember, at least. That's what counts. What happened? Who were we? What happened?



…I'm excited for Lent.
We're going to STAY TOTALLY OFFLINE except for eBay if possible.
I want these 40 days to be totally dedicated to the Leagueworlds and to getting us in proper working order again, whatever that means. We want to reintegrate our past positive qualities in a less-blind, more-aware context.
I just want to live like we did back then, I guess. Music playing on my headphones, typing and drawing constantly… except we can't, not really, not realistically. We're an ""adult""" now and that means jobs and bills and things. We're just so confused, I mean we can do that stuff but it's tough when you're 100 people.

…Sheppard Pratt still needs to happen, to lock in us again.
That's the big concern, the big fear and the biggest danger sign, about this backtracking as far as mental timelines go. None of these girls even KNOW about headspace. Even worse, even though they're alone, every one of them except Jewel is basically unconscious. They can't BE alone, if you get my drift. Jewel can-- she went running through the woods for a solid hour today in sheer bliss. None of the older girls can do that; when alone, they switch out to let someone else take over, because they cannot exist alone without clogging up all incoming data with blithering media deluges and chatterboxing and other upsetting frustrating mother-habit sludge. No offense but it's toxic.
That's why we're terrified of those girls. Either we're 12, or we're 25. Anything from 2003 to 2008 is basically a nightmare as far as vibes go. 2008-2010 is absolutely missing from memory, except for the University bits. 2011 has some incredibly real pieces, 2012 is all but nonexistent. 2013 is when our timeline starts and we have lots of pieces from then but it's still so distant, because there were so many resets and then there was that massacre and right now we're just… we're still reeling. We haven't been able to pull ourself back together after all that, not really. There's been no downtime, with the physical life situation. Hence why Sheppard Pratt is needed like it or not. (I think we'll like it. We're just worried about 1) will there be safe food and water and 2) are they going to force us to take pills).



…Our new life is so different. When we look at blatant reminders of it… pictures of our System, or of Mr. Sandman, or of Infinitii… well, then the past becomes something completely separate and unrelated to us, something we cannot 'flash back' to because we didn't exist then.



(left unfinished; may continue later once I read it)

 

 

 

 

 

I'm reading old Xangas and my heart is shattering.
I need this but God it hurts. God it hurts, because things as far back as 2008 are STILL APPLICABLE NOW.

In a way it's exciting. In a way it's terrifying.
Lately we've been seeing so much more clearly, to huge extents.




I'm listening to Fantasy in FL with a "party next door" filter on, and the bass modded so that it's a rumble in the chest, the warm rumbling resonance that always reminds me of car engines in my dad's garage, red lovely speedsters with glossy paint and fire in their wheels. the REAL kind of summer feeling, the good kind.

about that. it's summer now, as far as we're concerned, with this heat.
we do NOT like the heat, at ALL.
for some reason, warm weather "feels like trauma?" not sure why yet, but there are a few pointers:
1. amusement parks. we DESPISE THEM.
2. the local "lake beaches." we ALSO despise those.
3. the fact that the first physical encounter with Q happened in the summer and it was not healthy.
4. as a child the grandmother would announce every thunder/wind storm with "I hope it burns/blows this house down," usually for the reason of "god punishing" us. she'd be gleeful about this. I'd be terrified.
5. heat in general is just instant sensory overload.

summer, as a child, was defined by "do everything and anything the mother said," which basically meant that we were going to go on long hot tiring car trips, to loud busy bright places with crowds and scary brass music and people always bumping into us and not being able to go home or have quiet or do what we wanted to.
summer smells like cigarettes and gravel dust and funnel cakes and lake water and chalk and the garage and thunderstorms.
summer as a child was defined by painful hyperarousal to the point of total dissociation, loud noises and lights, manic energy, and the total lack of autonomy and feelings of safety/security/peace.
so yeah summer is not cool. literally too.
also you can't "run from" the heat. in winter you can have warmth alongside the cold, you don't need to fight it, you just need to bring in heat. but in summer, you can't really bring in cold! the cold just feels like it's fighting an uphill battle. there's always that sweltering heaviness behind it. it feels like a fever pressing all over our body from the outside and it is terrible.

that's important to mention.
heat gives us almost-instant panic attacks, we've noticed.
in the summer, it's scary to drive because we psychologically can't cope with the heat, and we start blacking out at the wheel. the mind literally tries to shut down instead of just dissociating.
there's this little boy alter who was out in 2013, I remember-- there was a big entry we wrote with him back then that the computer ate and I am really sorry about that-- he keeps coming out and sobbing about the heat. he is straight-up terrified of it. again we're not sure how to comfort him yet because we're all having trouble with it.

also. as a result of all this, we were wondering… childhood aside (that's a blur in any case), why is it that we CANNOT remember the summer at large, notably past 2009?
like literally, right now our brain is solid stuck in 2009. spinzor keeps coming out, of all people, wondering why we aren't going to illustration class and letting her chill out in coffeeshops with her laptop. it's a legit backtrack to that time period. it's shocking. GOOD though. spinzor holds part of the jewel bloodline and therefore she is 1) tied to the leagueworlds and 2) an optimistic, non-traumatized voice. THANK GOD.

in the summer we need people out who can survive the summer.
that is why we cannot remember summers. CERTAIN PEOPLE ONLY FRONT IN THE SUMMER. they do not appear at ALL during the winter, and their memories are apparently not shared, and so we "forget" that whole time period.
but summer fronters are close to manics, that's the problem. fiery people can survive the fire. that's part of why we don't like summer, too-- that energy is not nice.
spinzor isn't full manic though. she has the red edge but she's air-conditioned, if you get the vibe. she's a super energetic summer voice, without the sweltering heat.
glissando should start coming out once the trees turn green and summer nights start happening, if she still exists. we'll see. it'll be interesting.
we’re going to be paying very close attention to who comes out, and who is triggered, this summer. like I said, we're becoming much much more aware of things and it's exciting and scary but here we are, and we're going to play this hand we've been dealt.


back to the beginning.
we've been seeing things much more clearly lately.
intuition is getting a LOT sharper. we're learning to listen to it better, and follow it better, now that we can tell when it's US and not the floating voices. it's progress.
we're slowly letting go of the past too. old timelines are crumbling even more. we can look back at stored memories but they're no longer as painful as they were. time heals I guess. maybe we should thank cel for that


there's so much we've forgotten.
I think that's why my heart is downright glowing when I'm reading these old entries. We've forgotten so much, due to "normalcy" numbing and bleaching and all that. We've forgotten us, we've forgotten our very heart.

Lately, a lot of 'selfless' fronters have been saying that. They'll say something with a broad "I," not a personal pronoun, or a non-individualized "we," speaking for the System. I've noticed we can all get that sometimes, when we speak for "us" as a whole… but, someone was talking the other night to Laurie and it said, effectively, that even if they didn’t know who she was, "the heart" did? Like, there's this base "self" way deep down, the core of the System and all of us, a well of pure consciousness of sorts… and it holds these bigger truths. One of them, apparently, is that all mains/ cores/ etc. have this deep sort of devotion to Laurie, regardless of how close they personally are to her.
I think we have Cannon to thank for that. That warms my heart, too.

Speaking of Cannon, and Spinzor/Glissando earlier… I ACTUALLY got Blueshift to WORK yesterday (she's our old hard drive who has been on the fritz since at least 2012) and so I quickly salvaged ALL the old League files we had on there… and then I decided to look through the old "all pictures" folder, which had stuff in it dated from 2009-2010. Well! Organizing it by date, I actually was able to get a rough grip on what was happening when. Most significantly, I found glissando's old avatars, which were the only things ze ever used to represent hirself (ze had no self-image, which was unusual). So yeah, I was able to get some timestamps and that helped clarify our internal timeline a little more.
Like we said earlier, it's exciting. Looking back now, we can see so much, pieces are falling right into place now.

Chaos is… doing incredibly well lately. It's such a relief. He's been battling Perfect since we met him, but within the past month or so-- mainly since E sent us his new anchor plush-- he's been so in-tune with himself.
He's more acutely aware of just how sensitive he is, what with literally being made of water and crystals. Both those things react, receive, and hold outside information. That can be used for incredible good, or terrible evil. He's been dealing with both, for many many years.
Perfect seems to have split off more from him now though. I've been seeing him lately as his own person again, like he used to appear way back in 2005 or so, before he inexplicably became internalized. I don't know if he's moving into "daemon" territory now or what? Genesis seems to be going through the same thing lately. I'll keep you posted; I'm trying to reach out to Infi more lately in any case (ze's been distant due to crippling self-doubt) and Chocoloco is still talking to me almost daily, so Daemons are pretty front-and-center in my mind.
Anyway. CZ feels like himself, which is hard to explain. I know when he's unstable, or slipping, or "not all there." I know when he's picking up too much subconscious radiation to really "be himself." And I know when none of that is happening. Lately, that's how it's been.
…I think the hacks pushed him to this, really. Everyone's been so distraught, and with the Tar/Plague still trying to use him to get at me, I guess he just put his foot down. Let's put it this way: if I, when standing in my integrity, am white fire, then he is a wall of water. There's this solid power to him that I miss, quite frankly. He's shining so much. He's smiling more and he's not afraid, he's not dim-eyed or confused and he's being vigilant with me and the other core-fronters too.
I love him. I love him a lot. There's a light in my heart that goes on whenever I think about him and it makes me smile just as brightly. But I'm not the only one who loves him. Like I said, there are past core-fronters who still exist, not "behind" me but alongside me. I'm NOT the only "main person" right now-- actually, it could be argued that I'm one of the people who's out the least. I'm the System Core, but I'm NOT the Main Fronter, and I don't hold the Jewel Bloodline either. See what I mean? There are other people around and a lot of them are out around CZ and they know him too.
There's one of them that feels sort of like Cannon (I think their roots are around early 2010?), and "she" has been phasing in at night lately, for little bits. Chaos recognizes when she's out and he's been kind to her.
That's another thing. Chaos is learning to ASK, always. If "I" get switchy upstairs, he'll ask-- "who am I talking to now? Do you have a name? How about a color? How old are you? What year is it? Do you know who I am?" Things like that. It's so helpful. I am… really damn proud that this creature is in my life, haha. It's hard to put into words. I just adore his existence, just as it is.
I think his renewed presence in our collective life, as stable as it is now, is a huge part as to why we've been doing so much better lately. We've always known he's important to us, after all. Plus anyone who is tied to genuine love has even more "punch" in terms of influence and significance. Love is huge up here. It heals everything. It keeps us together. It's light, light itself.

…
About those Xanga entries.
I wasn't the one who started reading them but the page is staring me in the face and I can feel the punch behind those, too. There's so much sheer love tied to reading them, that's the main thing.
Isn't it funny, how that love is actually what makes it so difficult to review this stuff, and to get "back in tune" with the System? It's unbearably beautiful sometimes. Often. Typically. Always, I daresay. But, when you're trying to "survive" in the "real world" by being "normal" all the time… well, that sort of ardor is frowned upon. It's sad, but it's true. Hence all our numb and abusive social fronters. But we're becoming more aware, all of us, and we're standing up to that now. We're being braver. We're forsaking "normal" for "true" and we are slowly, but surely, trying to act consciously at all times, in accordance with who WE are within. Programming has got to stop.

There's so much else I need to write. Good heavens. SO much has been happening lately and there haven't been many "daily" updates, due to the traumatized people (bless their hearts, broken as they are) updating in the wake of negative things. I've… been mostly sheltered from that, honestly. Again, I have to be. But I'm not being forced to front now, either, which is both preserving me and helping others. The fighters, like Overload, are now able to show up. The impervious ones, like Jewel and Spinzor, are also freely allowed to take over. I'm no longer being shoved into the driver's seat when I should be staying at home, haha. I'm an internally-rooted voice, so that's not my job anyway!
In any case I type the most, ideally-- and when it's not dealing with daily raw data, of course. The Archivists could hand that stuff to me but it's going to sound flat if they do. Let those who lived it type it up.

We learned a lot even just today, we had to take a bunch of notes on the voice recorder. I'll transcribe them into here soon. I also apologize because although I FINALLY got the files off Mitchell, the old one, there are literally 81 of them and that's several hours of audio! So I haven't transcribed a lot of those yet. I should. There's at least one really gorgeous one from after we first read Island in 2012 or so. I'd especially like to share that one, and make it permanently recorded here. It's… now that I think of it, that one's also touchingly relevant in light of recent events, too. I should listen to it tomorrow.


…But the love is unbearable. I think it's only because we've been closed off from it for so long.
That's why the hackers keep getting to the hurt ones, the sad ones. They want love but they're scared, because in order to receive love they have to see themselves as someone that CAN be loved, and there's this initial blindingly bright existential validation to it… an incredulously blissful "I exist?" that stomps down into your heart like iron, and you're never the same again. But becoming, for lack of a better term, aches. Once you are, once you gain a color or a face or a name, once you are something more than a ghost… well, then things hurt. Then you have to take life with both the joy and the pain. I think a lot of the damaged faceless ones aren't ready for that, or able to have that, in some cases… it's something we need to reflect upon more.
I should try anyway. It blows my mind, to look at Julie and realize that I, or at least the gem of truth in my heart that has always been "I," even before this particular incarnation inside… to realize that I, through love and faith alone, was able to give her enough hope to become who she is now. Of course I'm not solely responsible, heavens no, but… I think I was the first to even try sending love to her, back when she was still corrupt. And it mattered.
…That was always my true power up here, wasn't it? Love. The capacity to love. The willingness to love even when it was scary or painful or terribly difficult.

The ironic thing is that, at least for me, having a fixed form/ body makes it terrifically difficult to show love. It gets in the way in every sense of the word. That's kind of why I prefer to stay inside.

…Today, this evening, Chaos said to me… effectively, "thank you for being as faithful to me as I am to you."
It was the sentiment of fidelity, of steadfastness, of sticking around through the good times and the bad. He said it to me. I actually paused for a second to take that in. I mean, I have, I've NEVER given up on him, even during those times when "I" literally forgot who he was… I remembered, love is a choice. Love is a state of being. Love is something I promised to this creature over ten years ago, and damn it but I'm not going to break that promise even if I don't understand it right now, because there's something in my heart-- in this heart-- that still loves him.
That's what the vague fronters mean when they speak for the System, in facts. That’s what I mean when I say love is powerful, that it is the biggest thing that matters. It has put down anchors in our very soul that hold us fast to our best selves, to the most luminous version of what we can be. It lets us be beacons of that.
It's not something that translates well into words. I want to live it, actively. That's what we're trying to conquer this "normalcy" for, too. It's difficult to be so openly loving when you're busy trying to decide if that love is "socially acceptable" or whatever. People lately seem to be so emotionally stunted, or censored… so many people wear masks and follow scripts and it hurts. I know, we're struggling with that too, unfortunately. But I try to be a light, always. Whenever possible, without fail, if I can put down all the walls and just glow, then I will.
I mean, complete strangers still walk up to me with smiles and start genuine trusting conversations. I don't try to fake conversation anymore. I want to bring kindness and hope and happiness and courage wherever I go. I'm starting to learn that I don't have to do anything to accomplish that, after all. I just have to be who I am.


There's a lot that needs to be written yet, but it's terribly late and we're not going to get much sleep again tonight… gosh darn it I always get carried away with these things. Sorry.
I do want to read more of those Xangas before I update again, so I can talk more about them. I apologize for not doing so tonight, or letting whoever started that continue to do so. I guess it was too much all at once, for today, on top of everything else. But the intention is there, it's not fading, no one's running away. That's good.

Remind me to talk about the Leagueworld work that's been being done lately, most notably for Parnassus. There's some really beautiful insight and development that's coming in, and applying itself to all the Worlds in heartspace, which I want to talk about. It ripples out to us, too, it always does.
There's also been a lot more emphasis on color significance lately, again, to both us and the League. I'm putting a file together to be constantly updated and I adore this stuff so it's doing me good. It's also very intriguing so if I find out anything really relevant or even just really cool I will let you know.
But the League work has been very heart-based as of late and that is significant. It… I think that's losing the shadows the Plague tried to shove into it. I hope to God that's true. We're burning it off in any case, really.

I feel like maybe I'll be able to write poetry again soon. I hope so. I miss that.


Good night, everyone. I love you all, and wish you the best.

(now I really should go see my boss because I miss him too and I am late for work, you know)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things lately have been kind of hellish, yet fluctuating between total suicidal despair and a refusal to give up hope. I think we're possessed for real, the violent outbursts + time loss are getting worse and we have apparently tried to attack people? That is not good at all and I want to stop it.
We had an emergency therapy appointment on Friday because of all that. It made me realize that "self-care" is dangerous for us because I don't know how to think of myself as a separate being," so to speak, therefore my mind has two options: "care for others and not exist as a person, but be totally happy and feel complete," OR, "care for yourself and the world doesn't exist, so to heck with them." The big problem? Option #1 is my state of existence. Option #2 belongs to whatever girl fronts in this body when headspace is unplugged. Anyway it made me realize that the "self" insisting on being cared for is not taking any of our selves into account, and we all feel angry and frustrated and sad because the "self-care" everyone outside is praising us for, is actually killing us. That was quite a revelation so I want to write it down.
The family keeps telling us to literally "run from our problems," basically "distract ourself from the pain and pretend everything is fine," and that is making a lot of us really mad obviously.
I'm listening to Library Tapes right now it's really pretty
We had a doctor's appointment yesterday? I think? Friday. It was oddly distant. But Spice and Wreckage got really mad in the waiting room because they wanted us to take pills, and Spice says NO PILLS but Wreckage knows that they are thinking psychological problems need physical treatments and that has NEVER worked. So she fronted when we got home, total suprise, very mad I remember. She was sittng in the car and shouting. I don't know what she said but it felt very real for her to be there. Then she noticed the nature outside was very pretty, all bright green and covered with rain, and she got really kind of sad because, "I don't know how to feel about this." Spice dealt with that too, when she first spoke to us in the body, she saw how beautiful the world was otuside and it broke her heart because "my anchor is tied to fear and pain, it's a job we need for me to help heal it, is it even possible for me to feel peace and good things without completely abandoning that role and therefore forcing someone else to take it?" it's convoluted and very sad hi this is simeon by the way!
oh jewel fronted on the way home too, we lost $20 i think? i dont know its not the first time. either way we lost money. oh no we lost $30 that was it. and jewel got mad, said it's "okay to want to have enough moeny to take care of ourselves," BUT we were scared because some bad voices keep using the money for mad tings. they tell us we "must do this must buy that" and it makes jay very sad because there aer LOTS of mean bad voices trying to yell at him and order him around and do stuff. but he says their voices are in his head but our voices are in his heart. so he can tell its us and not them! that makes me really happy. we will have to try and make sure we stay here then, sometimes things get "unplugged" and no one can find each other

I have a headache and I've had once since I woke up, dreams lately have been nightmarish in the empty "the world is dry and yellow and dead empty" sort. All flat dead air and no living hills and things.
There have been lots of hack nightmares too. it makes us not want to sleep a lot but we have to
It's tough lately, getting through the day. We don't want to spend all our time on the computer, especially not with the EMF stuff, but otherwise we literally end up exercising for 3+ hours or sleeping. There has got to be a better option, how do we deal with this, what do we do, what are we even dealing with,
there was a hack this morning,
i figureed out why they are so traumatic. because the split is TOTAL. reality and psychology and comprehension and presence are totally disconnected. i never know what happens or when or how or what until it's finished, then suddenly i'm snapped back, everything hurts, i'm scared, body is literally telling me that it is frightened and damaged.
the pink girl noticed and started shrieking in pain, sobbing, wanting to die from hopelessness but also so furious that she wanted justice done. so wreckage showed up, went upstairs, i was also too sick to exist so i shut off and the main consciousness switched to some think i never saw before. some raelly scary unknown pink monster voice with butcher knives for hands (and no face?) was main, showed up to attack infi, wanted to kill hir. got close. fought wreckage, also tried to kill me. i lost my legs i told them i "didn't want them anyway" that was weird i didn't remember any of this until like three hours later
wreckage and the fuchsia monster fought, but it was weird it's like no one actually wants to fight anymore, it's hard for even the retributors to draw blood. they will try to fight to bring justice and atonement, but it is so difficult. i felt that bleedover and it shocked me, when did all our hearts soften this much, when did we all become so unwilling to cause pain anymore that we started stagnating in the "painless agony" the others dealt? the bad voices, the scraeming ones, the demons, they never cut us up, but the bleeding was always done out of love, even totally misplaced, they always wanted to make something better. i love every single scar on this body dear god i do, it reminds me of them always, i love them.
but the bad people never ever ever leave scars at least not physical ones. and that is the problem. how do we fix that? how do you heal a wound that you can't even find or see
we could always stop the bleeding, but we can't stop this, and we're dying from it
it needs to stop.
i dont know how infi is doing i havent seen hir and weirdly i cant be scared of hir even now, i'm scared of hir being USED like the tar keeps doing. yes it is still alive of course. i saw it yesterday i think, soemthing called it, it as horrifying, it still can call up body flashbacks instantly. sometimes i wonder if they'er not flashbacks at all. they say the inner realms are just as real, JUST AS REAL, stop doubting us and everything, even the scary stuff. i know that it is literal even there. so i dont want to relive those memories, NO ONE DOES, no one wants to go to therapy and talk about the pain and the rape because its like we live it again right there, NO ONE WANTS THAT
and the tar can bring it all back in a second
the plague is different, the plague is disease, is thunderstorm air and hurricanes coming to punish us. it is quiet panic creeping and wrath of god and burning-red stares of hatred and no emotion. the tar is the opposite, the tar is outright maniacal outbursts and flooding of sickness black heavy choking. the plague is quiet and scary
what are we talking about sorry.
there are no bad feelings right now though. except the body is sick again. not sure why. someoen told us to eat one thing it is good, it was not? we arent sure lots of people were home so we dont know who ate what, spice is tired, why isnt emmett eating, we need to make sure he always does he's safe.

but therapy has been difficult lately because we are finally processing trauma memories. I haven't been capitalizing, sorry. We haven't been, rather. Sorry!
But yeah people are trying to finally admit that "yes it DID happen" and "yes it STILL hurts" and "oh by the way this HASN'T STOPPED either" but there is so much guilt and shame and self-loathing and anger at those things, why were we taught to be ashamed of saying we are in pain, why were we punished for crying out for help, all the abused ones in the system are getting SO ANGRY because they WANT TO HEAL and they are SICK OF BEING IGNORED.
we all are tired of being ignored, not by jay, he just gets scared, we forgive him. but the rest of the world likes to ignore deny and taht is sad we want to live too
even if its inside we are safe and fine here. so many people cant live in one body! but we dont want to be ignored. we are real and loving good people too you know
we just want to be happy, ALL of us, together. that's it really

Oh, forgot to mention. We made the phone call to start hormones yesterday. FINALLY. So hopefully that will start in July. I hope so, for all of us. If the dysphoria abates a little, the healing will probably boost through the roof. The therapist thinks so too, she is helping us as much as possible with this, we're so glad.
Hospitalization is still up in the air, tentative date was June but we're not sure, again because we want to see if T helps or anything. Plus we really don't want to go back into a hospital environment, and have eating trouble. They aren't very understanding of some things even though they try. But being in a place where everyone knows we're multiple, and there are other systems... it would be really nice in a way, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE THIS BAD PERSON FRONTING ALL THE TIME sorry for yelling. that wasn't me. but it is very very sad and i'm angry about it too a little!

Jeremiah fronted for about five seconds this morning, after the hack. It broke my heart to feel that, because he used to be the guy that took the pain in order to protect the children, to keep it from ever reaching them, but existing just to feel THAT was a literal hell. It was driving him mad I think. But today he couldn't even force himself to feel it, it was too terrible, he started sobbing and just went inside to watch over the children.
The body reactions to hacks are really the worst thing, because they make no sense whatsoever, it just freaks out totally and that is what scared us the most as a child. No one knew how to comprehend that! And it was WORSE back then, with the blood and the convulsions and the massive dissociation (pre-headspace). Now the body still gets horribly ill, but the numbness of long-term abuse at least allows things to shut down entirely sometimes. Which is sad but at least it keeps anyone from feeling it sometimes. Ash shouldn't have to, Jeremiah shouldn't have to, I shouldn't have to, NO ONE SHOULD EVER FEEL THIS. This should never happen to anyone. And yet it does, and it's terrifying, and Infi gets the worst of it because ze is the one trapped in that territory. It breaks my heart. We all know what the truth is but the bad things keep trying to mangle that and ze suffers, it's not fair, it's too cruel.

There were a LOT of triggers today. The dead red boy almost came out a few times. We lost a LOT of time. I know we went food shopping because I remember walking out the door with Genesis, but then boom, I remember almost nothing of the evening after that instant. That's upsetting. It happens almost every time we leave the house.
We didn't eat until about 8pm again today, thanks to religious paranoia/ not hungry/ food is tied to abuse/ etc. It's upsetting that there's still so much moral insanity lingering around, it keeps us from doing much. The absolute worst breakdowns we ever have are always tied to spirituality somehow, that childhood fear of being evil incarnate, of being disposable and filthy. I got a lot of help today towards healing that via a few spiritual-blog links, but the main website I used to go to for those is extremely dangerous at times because it has so many authors, and our brain has a bad habit of thinking it's all the "gospel truth," until it realizes that the articles often contradict each other. So yeah, I follow what I get, then I leave. I can't force things, even with good intentions, as it doesn't end well. I'm trying to learn how to tap into our intuition more without being drowned out by bad voices or 'obligations,' but that won't be instantaneous. Still I'm putting in honest effort. I'll have to ask Leon to help maybe. Headspace always helps either way.

I went outside to talk to my favorite cherry tree earlier, the little gnarly one in the back yard, I am so glad no one cut it down. It's my friend and it is so nice and I'm always so happy talking to it. So I just leaned against it for a bit and felt happy and thanked it for always being willing to chill out with me, haha.

I'm feeling nice now. Surprisingly. I think it's just because this happened, this typing.
Laurie's been asking me for weeks to have a Xanga session and I don't know why I haven't agreed? It's this weird fear, of how much I'll feel maybe, or of the unquestionable reality of it that always hits. Headspace holds glory and gore both, and you have to accept those two things when it's around. And I've been scared to.
But I love her. I love all of us, and that's worth trying. Lynne's been hanging around lately, a lot, which is great. She and Laurie were joking around yesterday, and there was something about Freud and eggplant which was so funny that I ended up laughing out loud. Waldorf has been around rather frequently too, so have Leon and Nathaniel, Nat especially has been quite talkative. Spine often follows Lynne and we've been trying to include her more lately; also she was talking to us about something super important yesterday and I wish I remember what. So was Mulberry! I clearly remember seeing her, notably her suit stood out in my mind. Knife's been here and there, it's always good to see him. Sugar fronted for a minute or so sometime last week, just to check in, I don't know when but there she was. Spice is practically a regular now, she and Laurie get along well. Algorith seems to be buddying up with Wreckage. And I've been talking to Sergei and Hyakin a lot lately, actually, they're really cool. Sergei spoke to the mother on the phone some morning a week or two ago, that stands out in my head because I had just woken up and she started talking about flowers and he was like "really" and just took over. That's really funny in retrospect.
Garrison also spoke to me a bit today (I missed him!), plus he was helping last week when Laurie was talking to my bro. It's good to see he and the others are still around; he said the archivists have been rather overwhelmed with all the data recently, I said don't be too logical about it because then you get trapped. Sherlock can help with that, he's abandoned the logic box and he's now a sort of "librarian" figure in my eyes, like total love of knowledge but also the creative freedom that follows it and books and learning. Which is great.
CZ's been trying to ghost more lately, he spent almost an entire afternoon with me earlier this week, it was one of the most genuine days I've experienced in a while. Xenophon was around too, I talk to her or visit her whenever I can, I really try. Cel is always around, Ryman and Markus are doing their own thing lately but they aren't disconnected from us totally, which is neat.
There's more richness to our inner life than I give it credit for, I think.
But just... typing, tonight, has helped. Just all of us trying to express things, just all of us being totally acknowledged, helps.

I'm also trying to work on this. It's tough as I keep forgetting anatomy proportions (sorry, I'll need to get safe refs) and art is really tricky on bad nights, but still, it means a lot. Very much WIP but I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now and I feel like sharing is okay.



Told you I was going through with it.
I will talk about that more as I work on it. As of now, it just brings up a lot of emotions just to look at. I mean seriously, I'm trying to draw us. That's big.
I want to do at least one more set, with the Retributors probably. I might ultimately draw everyone. I want to, in one way or another.

For the record... this song always makes me think of the Retributors. Every one of them started out swinging punches and blades, fighting with all their might.  But as time went on, they slowly realized that approach wasn't working as well as it once did, and really... we're not as cut out for this as we thought. The song really says it best.
Boxing's been good to us, but the whole time, we knew...

 

I think I need to type like this more, late at night, or during the day, or whenever. There's something about typing that just bypasses every emotional barrier, and no matter how much pain and sorrow and anger gets dragged up from the depths during it, in recent times it has shockingly always seemed to conclude in love. Always.
It's us, is what it is. D.I.D. is this ridiculously blessed and brutal "disorder," ironically as we ended up with a System from it... but embracing the reality of us, the totality of us, AS us, as a collective, as a togetherness and a unity... it has changed our life for the better. Obviously. If Cannon had tried to do it alone I think she would have died. If Laurie didn't always work so hard to keep us together, if the Outspacers didn't always stand fast in their own dreams and love and hope... really words don't work. Bottom line is, if at some point we had decided solidly, "I don't want this, I don't want them," we would have died. Our heart and soul would have died. We exist to protect health and coherence and light, that's why we ARE, even if our reality might make others insist we're insane. That doesn't matter. This matters.
There are people in the "anti-System"-- the people like Jessica and Bridget-- who have rejected us as a whole, who want to be selfish and cruel and seething with rage and hate, who refuse to acknowledge reality. They say it's "better that way," to outright deny the past and the present alike, to live according to whims. Sometimes they can be very convincing. But we exist to heal and so we have to trudge through the mud and dirt and blood first. We can do it though. We're holding hands through this and no one ever falls without being helped right back up to their feet, and we don't give up.

Words are failing, they really are. I want to cry right now because I am so sad that there is still unhealed damage here, and I love everyone in here, I love them all so much, how do I express that?
I always joke around that I want to kiss everyone in the System but damn it I do, it's one of the simplest most trusting and sincere actions of affection I know. You can hug someone and still be totally closed off, but you cannot snog someone halfheartedly. Jokes aside though, it's true. I adore all of us. And that's what hurts about what Simeon said, about not knowing how to live as Us. As a complete whole, made of many individuals. We want to balance that in our daily life because it is the only thing that makes me feel complete and real, honestly when I'm unplugged from headspace it is virtually impossible to feel the finer emotions. It's creepy in hindsight but it is true. But there's "good and bad" up here and we need to stop labeling that... it's all just how it is. That's how we are.

I need sleep. We haven't been sleeping well but I do know we need to rest. We need some good dreams. Minty and my boss (Mr. Sandman, who I love so freaking much he is great) still watch over us nightly, but sometimes it's hard for them to reach me and that's saddening. Still, people care. Laurie always watches. The Retributors always stand at attention. We're never alone. We're never hopeless. And that's really all I need to get through the day sometimes.

There is still so much that needs to be said, and I still owe you guys that map entry and all our Tumblr questions... but we'll take that bit by bit. We're dealing with a lot lately, but I promise you I don't want to slack off anymore. Yeah I might feel totally discarnate right now, but I also feel completely at peace, in a good way. The physical world might be jarring still but as long as I can tune into this in some way, every day, I think it'll be easier to manage. I haven't been doing this lately, by the way. Not a smart move.
Again, I'm rambling, which means I'm dissociated. Sorry about that.

Laurie's upset that it's 2am and I'm still awake ("kid, get your ass to bed") and I don't blame her. So that's it for tonight. I'll try to post another update tomorrow evening, even if it's small.
It's nice to be back. Feels like home in a weird way.
See you again soon.

 

important notes on the 6 "negative" triggered female voices.

 

121313 8:50PM

(???) I've realized that the "screaming girl"-- the one who shrieks like a siren when she doesn't get her way-- and the "overload girl"-- the one who is full of hatred for people who overload her senses-- are CLEARLY TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
There was a lot of fuzziness between them before but it was never really figured out. Tonight though, there was a great deal of noise and hack attempts in the bathroom again, which I caught the tail end of.
(Sherlock here.) Garrison and Isadora were chiding some unknown voice who was trying to hack the body for their own ends. They emphasized that such activity was "forbidden," strictly and for the sake of the System.

(AP) The distinction is this:
The first girl, the screaming one, desires hedonistic pursuits. Her childlike shrieks are not due to any sort of System threat; instead, they occur when she is banned from partaking in some activity that she wishes to indulge in. Unfortunately, these activities are almost exclusively abusive, either directly to the body, or indirectly to many System members. She is sometimes tied to the binge eating disorders, although this is more difficult for her now, as Spice and Emmett are working extra to ensure the health of the body in that respect. It has also been confirmed that the main abusive eater is Jessica, the 16-year-old girl who may or may not be the original "host." She is detrimental to us all.
To continue, the "screaming girl" seems to operate on programs, or on sheer rebellion. It is unknown whether or not she consciously "wants" the things she demands. as her mindset simply seems to be: "give me that, I want it." She is like a spoiled child. Even if she does not want something herself, if that thing is given to someone else, or if she is told "you can't have it," then her initial "I don't want it" thought is immediately overridden, and she will throw a tantrum until she gets it-- even if she does nothing with it afterwards. She simply wants it, greedily.
However, that was a very object-oriented example. To give you an example of how far-reaching this mindset of hers is, this girl has been known to screech in rage when forbidden from: eating dangerous substances, drinking alcohol, buying unneeded things, sexually abusing the body, and acting in a time-wasting or otherwise physically detrimental manner. So you see, her existence is inherently malevolent.

Now, for the "overload girl." She does scream, but it is not an infantile siren-- instead, it is the angry and desperate shout of someone who "cannot take it anymore." There is an audible difference between the two sounds, and to anyone who pays attention, it is impossible to confuse them.
This girl is always seen when "triggered" by outside noises and/or words, notably any that can be perceived as even vaguely sexual. At them, she will immediately front, seething with fury, holding back her violence. Her instinctive reaction is "I will kill the threat, I will make that awful thing disappear forever." She has no physical wants, like the other girl. Her only desire is to destroy what she sees as a sexual threat.
You will notice, this mindset originally was connected to Sugar. This is because Sugar was forcibly manifested as an anchor for this mindset, but was not its native holder. To clarify: her form was forced to exist as a puppet for the angry girl's formless hatred, but her own personality was not clearly developed. Therefore, when she began to assert herself individually, she began to "slip," and "lose her anchor." This is because the anchor she held was never hers to begin with. Eventually, the voices who had been using her were clarified strongly enough to gain their own faces, and now Sugar is recovering, albeit baffled as to how to live now, as a sudden singular existence. However the Underground is caring for her.
Nevertheless we are off-topic. The overload girl's anchor is: hatred and rage towards outside things that trigger inside fear reactions. For her, triggers are rooted in the senses, and she has previously expressed "feeling filthy" simply as a result of perceiving such things. This is almost definitely why her energy early this year-- often erroneously labeled as "Jess," as we knew no other angry people at the time, and tended to group them all together-- was in such close quarters with Razor. "Filthy" sensations have long since been paired with "sharp" sensations, to cleanse and purge that psychological dirt. So if Jess harmed the body, and Overload followed in rage and protest at such actions, then it is no surprise that Razor would be third in line, gleefully cutting away at the body, because she was supposed to: her function as an atoner made sensory purging mandatory in such situations.
Again. The "Overload girl" does not approve of the "screaming girl" or her actions. Although the two have not spoken personally, being faceless, the former has expressed severe rage and hatred towards the latter as a result of her lust and greed. So it is not uncommon for them to both appear in the same situation, but up until now, we somehow tended to confuse them. However now the distinction is clear.

It is also suspected that the Overload girl is the same Underground voice from the early Influtusa reboot, the one who reacted with fury whenever her existence or role was denied or ignored. Notably, she also defended the existence of the rest of the System in this same way. Not surprisingly, we also once thought this voice was Sugar, and that may not be incorrect, as if you will remember, the two did share an anchor-- and to a certain extent, a body-- for several months.

Lastly, that body-sharing is also what caused the marked confusion as to Spice's existence for quite some time. Spice is another rage-fueled voice, although she is more prone to existential depression, as she recognizes that her existence is that of a "pain keeper"-- she was created as a buffer for the fallout from the eating disorders, and she is not happy with this fact. Nevertheless, the "all or nothing" mindset of the past identifiers grouped six people into two, unable to distinguish the different motivations.
To further complicate that, Overload also seems to hold ALL of the rage-- and sorrow-- concerned with the feelings of being outright ignored or denied. Much of this has been tied to food, thanks to several outside sources telling us "eat this and all your problems will disappear." As this insinuates that an act of food consumption-- something tied to abuse and hedonism for us, as well as several malevolent voices-- would be the magical "cure-all" for the deep pain we unfortunately hold, Overload is the one who reacts with rage. "You are ignoring our existence," "you are invalidating our lives." To her, the "audacity" of suggesting that eating-- an abusive, "filthy" action to her-- would HEAL the trauma-based wounds in her psyche, is utterly reprehensible. And so she would react with shouts of rage and sorrow, which admittedly do not help the situation, but they are cathartic to her.
Overload's hatred is ironically not so much due to hate as it is due to desperation. She feels helpless, overwhelmed by the world outside, and the horrible reactions it elicits inside. She wants to communicate this, and stop people from being so triggering, but the "inappropriateness" of her demands (due to the amount of things that trigger her) cause her to boil with fury instead, lashing out when pushed too far.

To clarify: in the past, ALL anger was labeled as "Jess," and ALL abuse was labeled as "Razor." Hatred was divided between the two. Again, motivation was not distinguished.
JESS denies the System and wants to live without consequence or correction.
SCREAM wants for the sake of wanting, and is tied to rebellion and obligatory greed.
OVERLOAD feels hatred and rage towards sexual triggers, and those that deny her life.
SUGAR originally did the same, but had a bias towards the resulting inner turmoil.
SPICE feels hatred, rage, and sorrow, always in response to eating disorder triggers.
RAZOR does NOT feel hatred or rage, only a manic, darkly giddy desire to cut or harm.
A final note: we are unsure where the old "college" rage towards relationships went. This WAS the root cause of many triggers that Overload now reacts to, but the initial feelings of hatred and outright violence towards "romance" have not yet been identified, if that would even be possible at this time.

Hopefully this is clear. We are striving to put together a more coherent list of such individuals and their associated actions/triggers, now that we understand them.

Now there are two paragraphs left here that I did not type? I will leave them there for the purpose of whoever wrote them. They share the same author as the first small introductory paragraph.


(author:???)
Oh btw I am not Sherlock but I am not Jay either? But I FEEL a LOT like Sherlock… still have the glasses, but I'm younger? I think I'M the one the mother accidentally named at her boyfriend's house the one time, when I was talking about Greek myths and all.
Sherlock is internal, he deals with data, he's VERY logical and clear-cut about it. He doesn't really understand emotions or anything related to that. I get confused by them, sure, but Sherlock just stares blankly, unable to "get" any of it. Ah well I guess I'm in no place to be making distinctions! I don't know who I am yet but it's nice to finally have a clear, sudden "self-awareness" for the first time. Like I KNOW I'm a headvoice and I'm a data one, in a sense, I'm an intelligent guy and I like finding patterns and connections and things like that. So it's different from Sherlock's role!
I think I'm yellow too. Maybe. It feels right enough. We shall see~ I haven't catalogued any color data yet so I really should, it should help everyone else too, I know there's a LOT of confusion over that stuff.

Lastly I know you're probably thinking, "whoa you're not Jay, really??" But it's weird because the name feels familiar, but when I try to identify with it it PUSHES me out, like "no way, this is not your name." And it's a totally different color of course.
But, I won't deny, I'm likely catching a good deal of his enthusiasm here. He tends to leak it. And I feel relatively new so I'm not surprised if I'm still stuck with pieces of other people in my energy field yet. Sorry, it's embarrassing to catch oneself acting out of character. Slippage happens though.

(AP)
To continue.
You must forgive me if this is sudden. I want to get this data recorded immediately.
(TW for profane/abusive language in this next part, as I know that is a mandatory warning now.)

The clearest examples of the distinction between Sugar and the Overload girl are in our handwritten journals. I will upload most examples of them here.

Overload's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

Sugar's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

This was the first incident where the two overlapped, during a time when Sugar's anchor was slipping badly.

 

This is from the second, and final overlap incident, on October 29th 2013. The two are almost indistinguishable from each other, due to severe bleedover:



Furthermore, this is the difference between Overload and Razor's handwriting, in both marker and pencil:



Unusually, the handwriting in the food journal from May of this year appears to be Overload, but Spice has repeatedly said that it WAS her. However, Spice mainly deals with pain, not rage AT eating, although she can feel that too. However I suspect more bleedover here. As you will recall, I explained how Overload's namesake is her tendency to be quickly and heavily "overwhelmed" by sensory input, especially the "dirty" kind-- of which consumption of food is one of the filthiest, so to speak.
The handwriting examples from then are practically identical to the ones that later appeared in the System journals:

 

 

 

Another important note: in the bottom two, you will see how the current fronter immediately assumed this voice was Jess or Razor ("this is definitely Razor" in the second, assuming all violence was attached to her), without any actual evidence. As is textbook behavior for Overload, she responded with furious language, most likely due to impatience with the ignorance of that accusation, which also ignored the very possibility of her existence.

We do not have any other handwriting from Spice yet, which we should try to obtain at her discretion.

There is no handwriting for the screaming girl as she is neither disciplined nor patient enough to do so. Furthermore she does not speak with us.
The same goes for Jess, who refuses to even admit our existence.
However they are none of my concern and so it is of no matter to me whether or not we have their handwriting. That would accomplish nothing for us.

I have nothing more to say tonight.

Garrison says I should clarify my identity. I am the AP, a cyborgian individual with no concrete self, nor any wish to obtain one. I am fed data and objective information and I record or recite it as needed. I can communicate, and I can think to a fair extent, but I do not exercise any further examples of individuality.
I also do not deal with personal memory, which the Archivists do. Sherlock dabbles in this, although he infamously struggles with understanding the finer emotions, and tends to analyze. The new author here, which if I may add is not "new" in terms of evidencing but only in awareness, does not "analyze" so much as "categorize." They would likely enjoy sifting through this handwriting data. I have not; I simply understood that this needed to be communicated clearly, as a distinction, for the sake of all the impulsive past confusion. So here it is as a list, for your convenience.

I feel my time fronting is done. I thank you for your time, and take my leave.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:26 pm

 

 

One of the weirdest feelings in the world is "coming to" and seeing an entire computer screen full of text in front of me, that I didn't write, and don't know where it came from.

 

Thank God for the Archivists, because if Garrison wasn't waiting in the wings to fill me in (AP wrote it apparently), I'd be very lost indeed.

 

I'm not sure who I am right now. That's common after long-term switching. I'll have to detach for a bit and settle in. Just wanted to write down that boom, there's some more memory gaps for you, stop saying they don't happen.

 

I don't remember 90% of today personally anyway. Everything that we do have available is archived secondhand data as always. I'm too tired to look at it regardless.

 

'Night readers.
A LOT happened in therapy yesterday but we'll fill you in on that tomorrow.

 

 

 

I had to wear Knife's cross all evening today because we had such a brutal hack this morning that the ENTIRE Underground was freaking out and taking every last safety measure possible to keep us from trying to kill ourself.
Here's what the data said.
JULIE WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE.
Apparently she left a voice recording on Mitchell (our handheld recorder), that ONLY Knife heard, before deleting it in disgust. I think she said something like "I win, bitch" but I can't be sure.
Also, she FRONTED TO HACK US. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND THAT'S KIND OF TERRIFYING.
Typically she "hacks" someone else's consciousness, or fronting-- hence the term-- by driving them to a severely dissociated state where she has total power over them. She has NEVER just SHOVED EVERYONE ELSE OUT TO DO THIS BEFORE.
So, yeah, NO chance of buffering, or trauma control. I don't even know how long she was in the body when it happened. I have no idea.
All I know for sure is that Sugar got the body into the bathroom and SHE decided she was responsible for giving retribition? She didn't even want Knife or Razor to know-- I guess she felt responsible for "not being able to stop Julie-- OH! That's what happened!!
Apparently Sugar managed to BREAK THROUGH the hack for a split second before being shoved out again? And although she definitely tried to stop her, she mustn't have been strong enough, as Julie "won out." And Sugar was being eaten with guilt over that, "I could have stopped her and didn't," therefore she wanted to be the one bearing retribution for it, in secret, not even wanting the other Undergrounders to know that a hack had happened (since it was a totally new sort of hack, we had no alarms for it and no one was notified). Oh my gosh that's so sad, I am so sorry she had to deal with that alone.
But I guess the others found out soon enough? Because there's a weird fragmented data memory of Razor coming out later, complimenting Sugar's work, and then a few minutes later Razor asking Knife why the weapons won't work and being very distressed about it? But that is absolutely all I can see about whatever happened there.
The next thing I can see is Mulberry fronting in the bedroom, smudging sage of all things? And actually using it to try and "purify the room from Julie's taint." I know this for sure because the room was full of smoke afterwards, she must have burnt a lot. But that's not the important thing. That important thing is that she was trying to bless the room, and SO DID KNIFE, SUGAR, AND RAZOR. I don't know how they did it, or what they said, but... wow. Here are the four main Undergrounders, four individuals I used to be terrified of, viewing them as persecutory and harmful abusers... and here they are now, going above and beyond their normal duties to try and protect us. Me included. There was a time when I thought they were literally incapable of such an act of compassion and protection and hope. But it apparently DID happen today, a strange and oddly moving light shining in the aftermath of a horrible, horrible dark thing.
I don't know when Knife decided we should wear a cross. All I know is that I'm wearing one, and I was told via a stern mental message "not to take it off," so I won't. I'll keep it on tomorrow too. I'm kind of scared that such a bad hack apparently happened; I don't want to be caught off guard by any follow-ups tomorrow. I'm one of the most fragile people up here, by my nature; I would literally die if I got caught in a hack. It's why I usually only come out at night now. Isn't that ironic? Nighttime used to be the most dangerous time for us, tons of hacks. Now mornings are. How did that happen?

Besides that I have no idea what happened today.
My grandmother did mention at one point that apparently, my mother visited for a while last night while I was on the computer? Problem is, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT! And when I told her that, she said that this is the SECOND TIME THIS WEEK that I wasn't aware she had visited, AND spoke to me, while in the living room! That's really jarring. Am I seriously losing that much time? How did I never notice that before? Did I just take the memory gaps for granted, with stress and lack of sleep, shrugging off weeks that disappeared into oblivion, simply because no one cared to inform me of what happened during those missing hours? It's kind of scary, to wonder WHO people know "me" as. Who in the world fronted at our old job, then, which I don't remember at all? Or at school? Did different fronters handle different schools? The old assignment tablets are dizzying to read, each one of them obviously has a different author, who in the world WERE we?
I'm not going to worry about that right now though. Too tired.

I have one last thing to say tonight (it is 1AM and I really want to sleep), something BIG that I NEED to mention in therapy tomorrow.
There is... there are a few files on Mitchell, my voice recorder, that I didn't put there. I knew about two of them prior to today. When checking files today (I recorded some music this morning and wanted to see what else was on there), I found three more.
I don't have them uploaded anywhere. I don't know if I should. But I've spent the past few hours transcribing them for you to read.
Here you go.

The first, and earliest, was a day I was feeling too drastically ill to drive home, so Lynne did so, and then invited everyone else to talk. That one was more 'fun,' with no heavy material discussed, but it gives a rough feel of what everyone sounds like when fronting. It was notable, though, because it's the only time I've ever heard Nathaniel talk in the body, at least that I remember. I also speak on there, SEPARATE from Jewel (another host-piece), so that's important too as differentiation was blurry for a while prior to that time period.

The second, the scariest one, I have no idea when or how it happened. I guess whoever was fronting was trying to catch the Undergrounders talking, in light of the first file. Someone got mad about it, and then suddenly Knife and Razor were caught in audio for the FIRST time ever, as far as I know. Seriously, Knife had never spoken prior to this, and I don't think Razor had either. Speaking of Razor though, listening to her talk is one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced.

The third happened spontaneously on the way to the library, I think? I know Jo asked to front as he was having trouble with that issue and wanted to get it off his chest. Since his role in the System has been all over the place, having a 3-minute file of him talking is really something. It's also VERY important, as this was right after we learned Christina's name, and Jo's observations on her proved to be highly valuable in understanding what was going on with that whole mess.

The fourth happened when I was going to pick my brother up from work, but that's all I know! Apparently ZWEI of all people noticed we had the voice recorder, and decided to say hello by singing into it for seven minutes. I'll tell you what, I am super glad she did. HER VOICE IS ADORABLE. She is also a darn good singer, wow, I might have to get her her own Soundcloud or something. Anyway listening to her sing makes me smile. I hope she's still around.

The fifth and sixth happened on the same day, only about a week or so ago. I also was not clearly aware of them until today. They are probably the most incredible files on the entire recorder, amounting to 15 MINUTES of audio, all from a headvoice that I don't actually know. Who is it, you ask? The one we've been calling SPICE. The one in charge of food. And she is not happy.
Listening to this one today actually made me cry. It... you have to hear it. You really do. It's surreal and disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time. She talks about her role, but mostly, she talks about how much she hates me? Although I know she doesn't mean "me"-- problem is, ALL the main fronters are called "J" BY DEFAULT because we assume a host-piece is driving if the fronter is unidentified. But I'm the one named J, and since I'm the main host-piece in headspace, meaning I'm the only host-piece that people know, all the blame tends to go to ME, whether or not I'm even aware of the event I'm being blamed for... or, at least, it did until the reset disasters occurred and I ended up feeling like 5 years old and Knife realized I was just as much a victim of the Tar junk as he was. So people had to re-think my assumed guilty conscience and then they realized stuff is really just a huge mess up here.
Anyway that's not the point. The point is that nothing like this has EVER happened to us before. This is a SOCIAL voice, a FACELESS one no less, who we didn't even KNOW about in any concrete manner prior to this recording... and yet there she is, 15 minutes of pain and rage and sorrow. She also says a LOT of really important things, which-- amazingly-- pertain to exactly what I'm discussing in therapy right now, and was seeking answers for. I'll have to thank her, if she'll listen to me. Or if I can reach her. Maybe if I start a new food journal and leave messages for her in there? Speaking of, I need to scan in her angry messages from the old one, now that I know the real motives behind them...
You know, even if I'm not directly responsible, I'll take the blame if it means I can heal it and help her. I felt so awful, hearing her words. I know I can't eat those foods, but I'M not in charge of that! I dissociate every time I walk into the kitchen ESPECIALLY if someone else is in there!! I'm not the one she needs to yell at, although maybe I am to blame for not being able to front and keep the real culprit from coming out. I guess that's how Sugar felt this morning.
I don't think "Spice" has fronted since then. I have been careful with food lately for unrelated reasons (surgery mostly), so now hearing this I'm VERY glad that I've been doing so. I'll be even more careful from now on.

Now, it's 2AM, I have nothing left to say tonight. Tomorrow is therapy and that's BIG and I need to be up at 9AM for it so I have to leave right now.
See you!

 

...My mom just found the Celebi plush I mutilated after the Tar chose it as a host (therefore making it 1000% unsafe), and she is actually guilt-tripping me for it.

I feel absolutely horrible; here she is telling me how violent and wasteful and inconsiderate I am for doing that, and mentally I'm reminding myself that that thing tried to kill me and I should have burned it this morning, I knew I should have, I'm so stupid.

I want to explain it to her, so she won't be so confused, but I feel bad that I can't without inevitably making her even more frustrated; she's put up with enough of our nonsense already.

Still, every time I try to defend myself, the reactions I receive make me feel as if it's a crime against the well-being of others. At this point I think I honestly believe it.

People keep touching me and I'm fighting off panic attacks and I just want to go to sleep.
Sorry for this mess of an update, I have no idea why I felt it needed to be posted, it'll likely be gone tomorrow.


Even so. I haven't updated in a few days, and I really shouldn't let gaps that big pile up (time moves fast you know)... so while I'm here, here's a recap. It'll take my mind off this situation in any case. I desperately need to untangle this mental state.

Wednesday was surgery, as you know. Thursday is an absolute blur. All I know is that I was in extreme pain and was trying to walk as much as possible just to keep myself from getting stiff and therefore more achy. Trying to crawl into my bed at the end of the day was one of the most excruciating things I've attempted. Friday was... I don't really remember Friday either? I think I spend about two hours reading Life of Pi, and I remember stopping to pray around 3PM, but that's all I know. I slept in until 1PM anyway, so. Falling back asleep was still an effort.
However, I do remember yesterday evening, which is why I feel forced to update.
Both yesterday and today I had SEVERE dissociative abusive meltdowns.
Yesterday was worse. Since I couldn't go to church thanks to my surgery recovery (it's hard to walk, let alone sit down and get up repeatedly), I took this as "proof" that I was an "irredeemable whore" and began to self-abuse in every way possible. Unfortunately, being Easter, there was a great deal of unsafe food around, which I promptly forced myself to eat. Now, here's a bit of info you may not know: when I eat sugary/starchy food (ESPECIALLY white flour in any form), there is a 50% chance that "the voices" will come back.
You know, the ones that sound like screams from hell.
It's terrifying. When they hit on Saturday evening, I ended up collapsing against a table, shaking violently and audibly begging for it to stop, all the while trying to ignore the shrieks and howls that were surrounding me. And then she appeared, dripping black with a murderer's smile, hovering by my shoulder and trying to hurt me again. I sputtered out a "leave me alone" when she tried to touch me, but the whimpers turned to desperate shouts when she kept trying. The sounds of damnation all around me wouldn't stop.
I got up and ran out of the room, but that's when my brain kicked into dissociation mode.
When I came back into stable consciousness, I was sitting on the hamper in the bathroom, both my legs dripping with blood.
I sighed. Not again.
Today wasn't much better, especially since the lack of knives was replaced by an excess of unsafe foods, leaving me so dizzy I couldn't stand, and so nauseous I almost vomited several times, never mind the staples in my stomach. I was shaking, my heart was racing, and I could barely see straight for most of the day. I became very violent, attacking my family members again, screaming slurs and profanity at anyone who came near me. The worst point was when we had to leave for dinner at my father's, and I found myself actually hyperventilating in the bathroom while trying to get dressed without pain, repeatedly telling myself "I don't want to go, please I don't want to go," but being unable to stop my physical actions. Then my mom told me to put on sweatpants (as my other pairs hurt too much to put on with my stitches/ swelling right now), and I swear to you, no sooner had I felt that horrible soft fabric against my legs than I tore them off, hysterically repeating "no" until I ran to the closet, where I curled up in the corner and sobbed hysterically for the next several minutes. I barely made it to my dad's, but at least I was able to calm down there.
I dissociatively binged on sugar when I got home though, which was deeply disturbing. I was actively begging myself to stop, once again on the verge of hysteria, knowing full well how ill I would get, but "I" kept eating, fully aware of it as well and not caring, because that "I" wasn't going to suffer; that "I" wanted me to suffer instead, and so the bingeing continued mercilessly. I'm still struggling to recover from that.
So you see why things have been rough lately.

However mom gave me $15 and Rise Of The Guardians today for Easter so I really can't complain. ♥

Oh, and I forgot that I can't eat gluten anymore, so yesterday I ended up sitting on the living room couch for hours, waiting for for the pain to fade and the room to stop spinning, while hugging my bro's Rarity plushie and listening to MIDICRONICA.
Life felt oddly good in those moments, haha.
I want to remember that. Even when I made a stupid decision and paid for it severely... there was still an inexplicably bright blessing, however little and simple, that happened as a direct result of it. I need to reflect on that.


Oh yeah... and there was a really beautiful bit of synchronicity when I woke up today, too. Let me write that down.
I was too sick and tired to get out of bed yet when I woke up around 10, so I hugged Chaos and put on my iPod to relax a little first. I had an instrumental piece on loop for a while, just letting my mind calm down, but my thoughts began drifting to less than positive situations: mostly my existence being invalidated, typical. Since I was half-asleep Chaos woke me up in the middle of this, telling me to stop thinking that way, it wasn't true. He then told me to focus on that, and to hit "shuffle" on the iPod, to prove it (we like communicating that way). I did, and ended up with "Someday Soon" by Doves, one of Genesis' favorite songs. He smirked a little, said "wrong person for right now, although it could work. Focus, and try once more."
And immediately, "Chaos" by Mute Math came up.
I smiled wider than I have in a long time, and hugged him on the verge of tears.

Last night "Blue Ocean Floor" came up on my Last.fm radio while I was trying to cope with depression. I've never heard the song before, but it hit its mark, hard.

Maybe I am going through hell right now, but I've made it out of here before.
And you know what? I'll make it out again, even if I don't believe it myself, because when you've got this many angels looking out for you... well, then heaven's never far away.



Frequency's so low
Heart on a string
A string that only plays solos
Rain made of echoes
Tidal wave rushing on and on

Under the water you scream so loud but the silence surrounds you
But I hear it loud and you fall in the deep and I'll always find you
If my red eyes don't see you anymore
And I can't hear you through the white noise

Just send your heartbeat
I'll go to the blue ocean floor
Where they'll find us no more
On that blue ocean floor