the spectrum heart cathedral system

Concerning yesterday's topic... WHAT REALITY (FACT; HISTORICAL/ EMOTIONAL) ARE WE (STILL) QUESTIONING (DOUBTING) &/OR FIGHTING (REJECTING)?? (DENIAL/ SUPPRESSION/ RESISTANCE/ SELF-GASLIGHTING/ AVOIDANCE/ ETC.)
★ The FACT of TRAUMA when we SOUGHT & INTENDED LOVE
★ The FACT that, the WHOLE TIME we were in SLC/ CNC, EVEN ALONGSIDE THE "HATRED," WE ALWAYS & HONESTLY LOVED THEM, AND THAT IS WHY WE NEVER "SAID NO" TO WHAT THEY WANTED FROM US. WE WERE STILL SCARED & ANGRY & FELT TRAPPED, BUT those painful emotions WERE ONLY EXTANT & SEVERE BECAUSE OF THIS CONFLICT!!
★ THE WORST TRAUMA OF OUR LIFE WAS SO TRAUMATIC BECAUSE INFINITII CHOSE TO TAKE THAT FATAL RISK OUT OF LOVE. AND WE TRUSTED THAT LOVE. We literally DENIED OUR TERROR for love's sake. THAT CONFLICT MADE THE TRAUMA SO DEVASTATING. It "KILLED" us BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WASN'T LOVE. ...but THEY said it WAS. How can we grapple with THAT conflict? We loved THEM, but did we ACTUALLY KNOW THEM? It's one thing to love "in general," a cosmopolitan Christian love. It's ANOTHER thing to love IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, and ENOUGH TO BE WILLING TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF for them. I feel like I'm not making sense. We stood in front of that mirror, shaking with fear, BUT CHOSE TO TRUST INFINITII'S REAL LOVE because we hoped, DESPERATELY, that SOMEHOW that love would "NOT DO WRONG." ...but our love was confused & wounded. That SAME "frightened love" that "CHOSE" to "TRUST" TBAS AND poor groomed Infi IN DIRECT CONTRAST TO OUR CHOKING FEAR is what led to BOTH of the "FATAL TRAUMAS" in CNC... and that one in SLC, too. THIS is what needs to be discussed, too. INFINITII'S FUNCTION was to MIMIC & "EMBODY" ALL THE TERRIFYING WORDS & ACTIONS that OTHERS "SAID" WERE "LOVE," SO THAT "WHEN WE WERE INEVITABLY FORCED TO FACE/ ENDURE THEM, WE'D SEE THEM AS "LOVE" BECAUSE OF INFINITII, AND NOT BE TRAUMATIZED." ...it didn't work. God forgive us all, it DIDN'T WORK, and we are SO, SO SORRY.

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✳ WHY IS "DATA COLLECTION" SO IMPORTANT? We feel AFRAID of NOT KNOWING those experiences, NOTABLY OF FOOD. We don't get it this strongly with sound or sight or touch, although scent CAN get close (remember the Etsy fragrance addiction). BUT it's the "TAKE INTO OURSELF" aspect, I think, that makes it so powerful. It's TIED TO GOD, I think. It feels like SEEKING THE BEATIFIC VISION while still on earth, but in the "WRONG" WAY-- seeking God's REFLECTIONS & ECHOES in TANGIBLE, SENSORY THINGS. This isn't inherently "bad," it's just a crutch. I wonder if it will lose its intensity if I pray & worship in INTERNAL ways more. The balance is off-kilter. We've been NEGLECTING our INNER SELF in GENERAL since ~2018, to be heartbreakingly honest. So please, make SPIRITUAL FOOD a KEY part of recovery... WITHOUT drowning in SCRUPULOSITY, AGAIN. I WANT ALL OF OUR LIFE TO BE PRAYER & WORSHIP, WITHOUT NEGLECTING ANY ASPECT.
✳ HERE'S A THOUGHT: ALL FOOD is God's "ARTWORK" using "BASE COLORS," so to speak. ALL food is made of the SAME NUTRITIONAL "ELEMENTS," in different combinations. YOU DON'T "HAVE TO" EAT EVERY "VARIATION ON" a food (style, prep, etc.) TO HAVE "TAKEN IN" THE "ESSENCES" OF ALL ITS INDIVIDUAL "INGREDIENTS." ...but honestly it's like ART. It IS the unique combination OF color & media that makes UNIQUE BEAUTY. ...and part of me DOES want to "see/ taste it ALL." It's because it IS beautiful & good & true. It's not "greed"; it's sheer WONDER & AWE & GRATITUDE. The PROBLEM is I keep seeking "SATISFACTION" on EARTH. That's IMPOSSIBLE, because this "body hunger" is FOR GOD, Who MADE ME TO DESIRE HIM-- and He IS INFINITE, so MY GOD-GIVEN DESIRE & WANT & NEED IS ALSO INFINITE BY DESIGN, because it's MEANT for HEAVEN. I AM subconsciously seeking the Beatific Vision. So I REALLY NEED to be AWARE of this, so I STOP TRYING TO "GET ALL THE DATA" about God's sensible gifts under the FALSE fear that "IF I DON'T, I WON'T KNOW PART OF GOD." Listen dude, YOU'RE JUST ONE PERSON AND YOU AREN'T RESPONSIBLE FOR, OR ABLE TO, "KNOW/ DO" EVERYTHING!!! IF YOU don't EVER learn what "braised chicken" tastes like, SOME OTHER SOUL DOES, AND AS PART OF CHRIST'S BODY, THAT "KNOWLEDGE" IS EFFECTIVELY "COLLECTIVE" IN HIM??? And in ANY case, CHRIST "KNOWS" because HE IS the SOURCE & CAUSE & PERFECTION of ALL EARTHLY WONDER & BEAUTY & GOODNESS & TRUTH. If YOU don't eat it, IT'S NOT LOST! There will ALWAYS be SOMEONE ELSE to eat it, AS GOD CHOOSES! YOU AREN'T "FAILING" HIM BY NOT HAVING IT BECAUSE HE NEVER "OBLIGATES" YOU TO. He wants you to WORSHIP & PRAISE HIM in ALL you have AND DON'T HAVE. ...I'm not making sense. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY "SOURCE OF DATA COLLECTION." GOD IS THE DATA. AND YOU WILL KNOW HIM IN HEAVEN FOR REAL. I'm not getting to the root. I STILL WANT TO KNOW ALL I CAN. And so I'm AFRAID to SAY "NO" to ANY "NEW DATA" to "EXPAND" my "knowing" of Him, insofar as I'm SEEKING Him IN sensory input. BUT GOD IS SPIRIT!!! Dude you CAN KNOW EVEN MORE OF HIM IN PRAYER & WORSHIP & then YOU WON'T "NEED" TO LOOK FOR MERE CRUMBS OF HIS INFINITE ABUNDANCE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD!!!   

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✳ My therapist asked, "were you FED well as a child?" And YES, we WERE fed, SURPRISINGLY WELL actually. We ALWAYS had fruits & vegetables, homecooked meals & desserts, family meals whenever possible, and NO box dinners/ fast food OR "junk food". We had ethnic Polish holiday meals & handmade birthday cakes. Our parents always strived to give us healthy food & balanced nutrition & regular exposure to new & different foods. We were honestly SO BLESSED. ...but we were EMOTIONALLY STARVED. We were given FOOD & SWEETS as "reward" or "comfort," instead of warm embraces & sincere words & real intimacy. We got SHOW without SUBSTANCE far too often. The family dinners frequently turned into fights. People left early & refused to finish their meals. I was at least once tied to a chair & forced to eat every last crumb. We were often told that we "couldn't have more" or "that's all you get" or "you have to be GOOD to get more." Our family obsessed over money to the point of often buying food that was already expired or rotting, especially grandpa. Eating itself was shamed as "gross," "piggish," "a chore," etc. Our plates were criticized whenever we chose our own servings. "Eat what's in front of you whether you like it or not." And yet, LIKING food was ALSO shamed? Like it would MAKE us greedy & entitled, & food ALWAYS felt "rationed" & "limited" & "forbidden," controlled & dictated. I felt "compelled" to sneak & hide food that I liked at an early age, afraid that it would be confiscated & I'd be punished, I think by being FORBIDDEN FROM eating such "enjoyable food" from then on? All I knew is that fear that it's be taken from me, "now that I FINALLY had some." And yet the SHAME & GUILT would frequently drive me to destroy the very food I had stashed in the same terror of discovery. It was painfully ironic. All the other food in the house "WASN'T MINE"? Even nibbling on dry cereal could get me spanked for "acting like a chipmunk" or something. And this whole time, there was no feeling of family community. There was no real communion. I always felt alone, foraging. It all started early, it seems. It's sad. So, no, in a deep way I WASN'T fed. I would forcefeed myself Easter chocolate & Christmas cookies like I'd somehow lose the joy if I didn't swallow as much as I could. I always got scolded, but I never stopped wanting it, more of it than was possible, even when it made me sick & frightened, & I was ashamed & confused & sad. When the eating disorder was in full force I ate a whole cherry-cheese kolachi by myself like I would die tomorrow & I cried. I just wanted the joy, the warmth, the sweetness, the love. I tasted family tradition & grandma's loving care in that roll and I cried. My heart was still so, so hungry. It still is, and I cannot look to ANYONE ELSE to feed it. Only God can, & He wants ME to cooperate in the work. I NEED to fill my life WITH beauty & warmth & joy & love & wonder & sincerity & deep connection. NO ONE ELSE WILL, CAN, OR SHOULD. It's MY JOB & MY PRIVILEGE. That is going to be ESSENTIAL to recovery. I CANNOT "live" from a skinny starving famine ration mindset anymore. I MUST be "poor in spirit," BY trusting in GOD'S ABUNDANCE. It's a holy paradox. This DOESN'T MEAN SELF-NEGLECT. it's just humility & gratitude. I HAVE TO LOVE THIS BODY, AND MIND, AND SOUL, AS A UNITED WHOLE, AS ITS HEART. Please God, help me to feed & care for this life well. And MAKE SURE I FOCUS ALL THESE EFFORTS ON YOU, GOD, THE SOURCE OF ALL LOVE & LIFE.

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✳ Staff girl, watching Coco with us = "HE'S REAL; HE STILL HAS MEAT ON HIS BONES"

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✳ GET EDIBLE "PAPER" & "INK" = EAT AFFIRMATIONS!!! (POWERFUL SYMBOLIC RITUAL)

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Well, we finally got the guts & heart to choose the meatball sub SPECIFICALLY as an ACT OF LOVE "IN HONOR/ MEMORY OF" KRISTANOVA, but all of a sudden, ANOTHER foni is feeling TRAPPED & ANGRY at this, MISERABLE & HELPLESS beneath, like "we STILL can't escape CNC"? Which IS a valid feeling that we NEED to respond to. First, though, we CAN'T AVOID EVERYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH CNC & TBAS out of FEAR &/or RESENTMENT. That's TOXIC TO OUR HEART, & it's also FALSELY LABELING REALITY. This meatball sub effort is STEP ONE in TRULY "ESCAPING" by moving into LOVE & FORGIVING MERCY. The truth is, we ARE OUT OF CNC, PHYSICALLY. But we ARE "TRAPPED" EMOTIONALLY, UNTIL WE CAN MOVE INTO COMPASSION FOR BOTH US & THEM. We'll probably never see Kristanova again. But we DID love him, AND Ollie, AND Kyo & Trolley & Toy Soldier & Thirteen & Ohmiette & everyone else. But Kris did something TO us that DAMAGED us, and SINCE WE KNOW HIS ANCHOR, we KNOW HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. He was just broken, too. So we WANT TO FORGIVE HIM, as much as we MUST. And this upcoming dinner is a real concrete gesture of that, the only thing we can do here towards that end, but one powerfully tangible nevertheless. We bought him one out of sheer gratitude for his existence & he REALIZED & CHERISHED that. LET THIS BE THE CONTINUED SYMBOL OF THAT GRATITUDE. Let it be a private but true TESTIMONY to the REALITY of the LOVE our Systems shared, however trauma-distorted & wounded it was. We STILL LOVED THEM AS MUCH AS WE COULD, in the ONLY WAYS WE KNEW HOW. And I WANT TO FOCUS ON & REMEMBER THAT. In a way, it's a CROSS. It REQUIRES "BEARING" THE SUFFERING dealt by the ONES WE LOVE who "DID NOT KNOW WHAT THEY DID." The Cross CONQUERS DEATH by DYING TO DEATH, THROUGH DEATH-- death TO SIN. And that sinful part of us-- bitterness, resentment, hatred, rage, blame, etc. that WE DON'T WANT & that are IN CONFLICT with the TRUTH-- HAS TO "DIE," THROUGH THIS SELF-GIVING LOVE, EVEN "FOR OUR ENEMIES"-- with the GOAL of FORGIVING them & RESTORING RELATIONSHIP with them AS BELOVEDS.

✳ Our "self-care is to benefit others" insight yesterday, AND group today, made me realize something. I THINK I ACTUALLY LIKE BEING AROUND & TALKING TO PEOPLE. All that unexpressed LOVE in me is ACTIVELY & FINALLY FINDING AN OUTLET here in inpatient, & I THINK I NEED THIS. IT'S WHY I KEEP RUNNING BACK TO MOM. IT'S WHY I STILL WANT A JOB. IT'S WHY I WON'T EVEN QUIT TUMBLR. OUR "PLURALITY" IS JUST ANOTHER EXPRESSION OF OUR INNATE, GOD-GIVEN, HUMAN PURPOSE-- COMMUNION!!! AND WITHOUT IT, THE EATING DISORDER APPARENTLY KICKS IN AS A "SUBSTITUTE." After all, EATING IS COMMUNION BY DESIGN!! And ALL of our past "trauma" situations-- ALL of the people who we considered we "BELONGED" to, & STILL "give power to" as AUTHORITY over us-- INVOLVED BROKEN/ UNREQUITED/ DISHONEST "COMMUNION" = LOVE. I HAVEN'T MOVED ON BECAUSE I CAN'T STOP LOVING THEM & HAVEN'T "FOUND" ANYONE ELSE NOW TO GIVE IT TO?? And the eating disorder was like "bleeding out the overload" out of sheer distress?? OR IS THAT THE "POISON" FEAR??? ALL THE "COMMUNION" WE GOT-- ALL THE "FOOD" FOR OUR HEART & SOUL-- WAS ROTTEN OR TOXIC. No wonder we always ate literal garbage with the eating disorder; we were not only "used to it," but it was "SCAVENGER" behavior: "this is the BEST YOU'LL GET," even the "best you DESERVE"? Or not even "best," but "ONLY"; the FEAR of losing the SCRAPS, out of HUNGER? ALSO "CAN'T SAY NO"-- like I CAN'T "throw ANYTHING out," even CRUMBS? "FAMINE" MINDSET. "UNGRATEFUL." Also childhood meals= "lick your plate clean," like IF YOU DON'T, you WILL STARVE?? "PUNISHMENT." COMPULSIVE FORCEFEEDING. "EAT IT ALL OR YOU WON'T GET ANYTHING LATER"?? NO JOY OR PEACE. But WHY the "looking for MORE"? OR just OF OUR OWN FREE VOLITION? NOT FORCED/ COMPULSIVE; WANTING to ACTUALLY FEEL "FED"?
✳ GARBAGE EATING also MERCY?? "Even IF it got thrown away, there's STILL something EDIBLE left in it; I CAN'T be SO UNGRATEFUL/ UNKIND as to NEGLECT/ IGNORE/ DEVALUE that"?? ALSO in treatment, SCRAPING/ LICKING containers/ peels/ lids/ etc. "PERFECT/ COMPLETIONIST"; "YOU CAN'T THROW AWAY FOOD, EVEN THE SCRAPS." AFRAID = "ALL OR NOTHING" EAT/FEED VS. REJECT/STARVE??? "It's EITHER FOOD OR GARBAGE"?? NO OVERLAP?? And the thought of "throwing something out" UNEATEN/ UNUSED/ UNLOVED?? is almost PAINFUL? Like I HAVE to "RESCUE/ SAVE/ REDEEM it" by EATING IT DOWN TO THE BONE, and EVEN THAT TOO if I can. WHAT IS THIS?? HOW DOES THIS PLAY INTO COMMUNION? Is that something I IDENTIFY WITH? & ALSO with "abuse," "there's STILL GOOD in them/ I STILL LOVE THEM" therefore "I MUST EAT EVEN WHAT OTHERS WOULD CALL GARBAGE"?? ALSO I FEEL LIKE, ONCE IT'S "GARBAGE," I CAN EAT IT AS "MINE"?? (NO COMPULSIVE MIMICRY/ OBEDIENCE?) Like I DON'T DESERVE/ CAN'T CHOOSE "REAL FOOD" (it BELONGS to OTHERS); but THE TRASH IS "MINE"?? It's "ALL I GET." I FEEL SORRY FOR IT. I even LOOK for it. ("PICKING UP THE PIECES DISCARDED")
✳ IS THIS AXIS'S TERRITORY??

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✳The "desert island" exercise in art group today made me realize two very unsettling things... 1) I'm NOT thinking about PHYSICAL CARE/ SURVIVAL, OR 2) OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS IN THAT REGARD. My fellow patients are bringing medkits & tents & knives & water filters, and NONE of that even OCCURRED to me. I'm here thinking "I'll need a solarpowered laptop to write about the experience" and I DIDN'T EVEN CONSIDER that I would need CLOTHING & FOOD & SHELTER & TOOLS. I'm listening to them, stunned & shaken, because IT ALL IS "NEW" TO MY MINDSET. That's SCARY. Of course I'd objectively NEED to eat & sleep, but... the "FUTURE FACT" of that DIDN'T CROSS MY MIND. I like "assumed" I'd just "find" fruits & catch fish I guess, & sleep on the ground. But the FIRST THOUGHT of "what would you bring to a desert island" was "THE BIBLE & A LAPTOP," NOT  THE BODY. OR does my subconscious NOT PRIORITIZE SURVIVAL?? ONLY the "INTERNAL/ ETERNAL"? That explains my schedule!

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✳"WHO can front to handle DISCOMFORT" = WHAT are the RESONANT SUFFERINGS OF EACH COLOR, that we can CARRY TOGETHER & NOT DISSOCIATE/ LEAVE IT TO KAKOFONI OR NEGATIVE SOMAFONI???
✳ OUR PERSPECTIVE MUST SHIFT from COMPLAINT to the CROSS!!! ↓
✳ "OFFER IT UP" REQUIRES GRATITUDE/ LOVE/ TRUST = WORSHIP & SACRIFICE ("MAKE HOLY")!

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✳ My goal today is to "befriend discomfort" & boy I am REALLY uncomfortable with the upsetting realization that my mealplan choices for the weekend are COWARDLY & REPETITIVE. I chose the SAME fruits for EVERY meal, I'm LOOPING cottage cheese, & I ACTIVELY AVOIDED CHALLENGE FOODS. WHY DO I KEEP FALLING BACK INTO LOOPS??? IS THAT JUST THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE? Dude you NEED to get your hands on the Book of Night With Moon & DRAW AN ARROW POINTING UP OUTTA THAT THING!!
...That too. "Arrow." I APPARENTLY HAVEN'T MOVED ON. Those broken arrows are STILL stabbed into OUR heart. ...God we MIGHT NEED INFI BACK. Ze was ESSENTIAL to EVERYTHING during that time: our LOVE, our TRAUMA, our IDENTITY, our ACTIONS. WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EVEN DISCUSS OUR HISTORY SINCE 2013 WITHOUT DIRECTLY  CONSTANTLY REFERRING TO HIR, AND TO JAY. AND STEP ONE IS READING THE ARCHIVES, AS WE UPLOAD THEM. Those memories have been SUPPRESSED and RUN FROM for SIX SOLID YEARS, if not SEVEN for some. THAT'S INSANE. NO WONDER we're stuck. SO PLEASE, DO THAT IMMEDIATELY UPON DISCHARGE. We CANNOT PUT THIS OFF ANYMORE. IT'S THE UNDENIABLE KEY TO UNLOCK SO MANY MYSTERIES & STRUGGLES, and I GUARANTEE you, EVEN THOUGH IT WILL inevitably be EXCRUCIATING at times, it is ALSO ABSOLUTELY FULL OF LOVE, REAL AND TRUE, AND YOU ALL KNOW IT, "DESPITE" THE TRAUMA. LOVE (GOD) KEPT US ALIVE. So don't be afraid. It WILL wake up our hearts, by FINALLY allowing us to "FILL IN THE GAPS" & CONNECT/ INTEGRATE our PAST & PRESENT, enabling us to REMEMBER the WHOLE PICTURE of WHO WE ARE, WOUNDS & ALL, so that WE CAN BUILD/ CHOOSE/ LIVE A REAL & GENUINE & TRUTHFUL & POSSIBLE FUTURE, TOGETHER, IN RECOVERY from ALL the tragedy of our ACTUAL PAST... with NO HIDING, NO DENIAL, NO HATRED, NO BITTERNESS, AT LONG LAST. And with THAT 7-year wound HEALED (and kissed), we can be FREE TO FULLY & JOYFULLY FORGIVE IN TOTALITY & DEVOTE OURSELF UNRESERVEDLY TO GOD'S SERVICE & GLORY. That "void" IS holding us back currently, because we CAN'T GIVE that part of ourselves AND history TO God IF WE CAN'T "HOLD" IT ENOUGH TO SURRENDER IT ENTIRELY TO HIM!!

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LOTOPHAGOI WE NEED (esp. inpatient) =
✳ MILK = "BABY CHERUB" to DRINK it; HEAL "baby" fear? TRUE PURPOSE OF MILK! INNOCENT
✳ COTCHS/ YOG = "HOLY COW." SACRIFICIAL (LOVE) ANIMAL + MOTHERHOOD? ↑ (+BEEF?? OR A ♂?)
✳ FRUIT JUICE = BUTTERFLY/ HUMMINGBIRD?? "Nectar" similarity & "dignification" of context
✳ APPLESAUCE = ASTRONAUT?? "FIRST FOOD EATEN IN SPACE." OR AN ALIEN? (this food is SPECIAL to BOTH)
✳ FRUIT CUPS = GROUP ↑ ? ✳ONLY CERTAIN FRUITS COME CUT UP IN CUPS. DISTINCTION IS ESSENTIAL! (PEACHES/ PINEAPPLE/ PAPAYA?) (BIRDS AT ZOO? (FEED))
✳ "KIDS MEALS" (chicken tenders, mac & cheese, etc.?) (CAN'T BE "GROUPED"; INDIVIDUAL ASSOCIATIONS)
✳ SUNBUTTER = tough because it's DENSE; vibe too "heavy" for a flower/ fairy? 

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✳ IF YOU COULD TELL/ TALK TO MOM ABOUT ANYTHING IN A LETTER:
● She NEEDS to understand that the eating disorder is TIED TO THE "SLAVE" MINDSET & THE GENDER FEAR & the SEXUAL TRAUMA. The latter is old new & (to me) easy to explain: I didn't want to "grow up to be a woman." I didn't want to get married OR like boys OR have sex & therefore babies. I saw a picture of a young adult male in a teen mag at age 13 & IMMEDIATELY thought, "I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT." And since I associated womanhood with FAT = breasts = curves, I STOPPED EATING during the day in an attempt to PREVENT that change, AND perhaps "insulate/ protect" myself from the PROFOUNDLY INVASIVE experience of sharing meals, ESPECIALLY with peers (STRANGERS & often HYPERSEXUAL/ SECULAR) in a FORCED & ARTIFICIAL setting/ environment, AND WORSE because I'd be EXPECTED/ FORCED to TALK = SELFDISCLOSURE = "STRIPPED & INVADED." Ironically/ revealingly, I WAS ACTUALLY & ONLY COMFORTABLE EATING around GIRLS I LIKED, because that "almost shared" meal was the ONLY WAY I COULD FEEL CLOSE TO/ WANTED & ACCEPTED & WELCOMED by them. (Mary/ AAA) Part of me wished I could eat with boys? NOT out of "attraction" BUT because I wanted to BE LIKE THEM? Strong, funny, athletic, comedic, self-confident, and with that "TOMBOY FIRE" I felt FORCED to CRUSH in that school uniform skirt & brassiere. Furthermore, I sensed that MAYBE I'd be loved BY the girls IF I were "more like" a boy? Although I ALREADY wanted to LOOK/ ACT more like a boy for my OWN personal gender reasons, NOW I saw they had a "ROLE" IN RELATIONSHIPS AND I WANTED THAT ROLE. But I digress. This ALL messed with eating mostly because I was now FASTING DAILY for 12+ hours on average, & as I got older & the body DID change & I experienced MORE frequent & horrific abuse at Julie's hands (exacerbated by social/ cultural/ media exposure), EATING in GENERAL became terrifying, & I began to HIDE when I ate/ eat PRIVATELY out of SHAME/ FEAR/ TRAUMA OVERLAP. BUT this early we WEREN'T in the "slave" mindset; our meals were still BY DEFAULT decided by the fam, & we had NO OPPORTUNITY/ REASON to choose "association foods" because we had NO "authorities" OUTSIDE of the fam (& we all ate the SAME)... EXCEPT FANDOMS, WHICH IS A HUGE REALIZATION BTW-- this is WHY our "favorite foods" weren't even things we "liked," but were things our favorite CHARACTERS liked or were associated with (tunafish, apples, blackberries, etc.). But the "SLAVE" but STARTED with SALT LAKE CITY in ~2009. This is ALSO (I think) WHEN the PILFER/ SCAVENGER mentality BEGAN in earnest. I was STARVING from NEGLECT on EVERY LEVEL OF MY EXISTENCE, and out of both desperation & heartache I just started to "TAKE WHAT I COULD GET." ...I wonder if this was ALSO a "KICKBACK" from the CONSTANT GIVING, but NEVER REPLENISHING THE STORES, because FOOD IS COMMUNION & I HAD NONE. No WONDER I was so determined & yearning to "go back HOME to my FAMILY." ...and I think it's why I STILL feel that way. Humans are LITERALLY MADE FOR THOSE THINGS, BY GOD'S DESIGN. Heaven is our TRUE home. The Church is our TRUE family. And I've KNOWN that deep down ALL MY LIFE, but it DOESN'T INVALIDATE THE WORLDLY REFLECTION OF IT either. Home & family IS where we are FIRST FED & FIRST ENTER INTO COMMUNION/ COMMUNITY, FROM BIRTH. And when we LOSE or LACK that, I think that something in our souls (as GOD'S children) SEEKS that out of REAL HUNGER. And I do. And so I MUST set my heart ON GOD'S KINGDOM. ONLY HE CAN satisfy my poor starving soul.

 

 

r.i.p. ventrium.

you died before you had lived
but your existence still meant enough.

i am so sorry i couldn’t say goodbye.

 

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@ 12:55 am

 

 

today was very, very, very painful. weirdly

woke up at 7am, less than 2 hours of sleep again.

early morning mass for palm sunday. really beautiful. cried a few times during the readings

dont remember anything else until 6pm????

sometime before that, post on lotusglitter about really bad triggers, glad i dont remember that

drove to get food with last bit of money. boss reassured me the whole time back

i remember stopping the car in the middle of the highway momentarily

next memory is parking lot, genesis showed up, "jay this has to stop."

got home and ate, unfortunately AP kicked in, all the ED voices got really messed up

emmett was out but was co-fronting with a faceless someone we dont know.

all the actual consuming ED voices talk the same way; very childish

purging attempts around 10pm, couldnt help it.

talked to the seaweed girl, she's anchoring very strongly now

HACK?????

i dont know when it was or how but THERE WAS A MASSIVE HACK

no details sherlock specifically said "don't look at it"

garrison told me that ventrium died as a result

it didnt hit me until a half hour later, talking to cz, i just started sobbing

the retributors actually broke the new 'rule' and tried to atone for this one

wreckage, razor, algorith, and the dead red boy all wrote things on the desk

i am very tired and sad.



life is getting stranger and creepier.
at least four times this week, i found myself in a car on the road, at least 20 minutes away from home, not knowing how i got there.
that is really frightening, to suddenly "come to" consciousness and be that far away for heaven knows what reason.
also at least twice ended up half-undressed and standing on the lawn inexplicably
self-care is abysmal, body triggers worse than ever, not sure what to do there.

we are out of money and food. ED voices tossed all food out of "prevention" measures, trying to help but really just making us lose all our cash. struggling with that in any case.

weird outbursts more prevalent. keep finding weird memory glimpses of other people fronting and its unsettling
at least one angry voice is violent to the point of actually trying to attack people, that scares me. we can hold them back for now but usually the result is a numb shutdown temporarily.
but there is often surprisingly the strength of mind to chase them out if we must, or at least leave the situation for a bit? tricky but we can at least do it now.

and there is hope, somehow, always hope
because despite the bad things spiking the good things didn't disappear?
synchronicity everywhere, intuition still works, people upstairs are SO clear, out of nowhere sometimes
yesterday i could practically see genesis walking in front of me, i've never been so absolutely trusting of that before
trust is a really important thing especially when you dont understand why things are happening

spiritual starvation is abating a bit but we are literally sobbing in empty churches now just to alleviate it
christina seems to be taking great strength from this and i think her anchor is shifting thank god
but holy week is always excruciating for me, stuck between "terrible sinner" and "overwhelming compassion" for seven solid days
easter last year was REALLY important
same with divine mercy sunday
crossing my fingers that it is even better this year, somehow.

 

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@ 10:04 pm

 

I'm sitting here reading the autobiography of my biggest inspiration in life and I want to cry, I am so moved and brokenhearted and stunned by these old words and yet that curse is hanging over my head, I haven't suffered enough to be happy yet.
Why is that? I read about people's victory stories, their beautiful true accounts of having been through hell and being better for it. Her childhood was a mess, but there was light in it nevertheless, and now she is a light to hundreds of people all over the world. So many others have experienced the same; I remember my mother always telling me how so many of her favorite movie stars had gone from rags to riches. And yet still others don't make it that far. Some people live through hell and die from it. Some kids commit suicide in elementary school because they just can't cope, although someone else may experience the same thing even earlier and survive like a champ. But I always held myself to that latter kid's example. Yes I've been through some painful and terrifying and mentally disturbing things. But others have survived worse. So I tell myself that I'm not allowed to have the happiness THEY'VE achieved because "I haven't paid the price yet." Who the heck puts a price on health and happiness? Yet I keep feeling that self-loathing burn away at me inside, nauseous at the thought of what I "should have" endured already, and "will have to" in order to DESERVE happiness. It's asinine. But there it is, holding people on those cursed pedestals, I want to tear every one of them down and BURN them. But I don't want that hate in me either. I don't want the rage and the violence. It's all rooted in sorrow, in crushing sobs, in self-hatred and desperation and the want to just be happy and feel I deserve it. I haven't been able to stay in that sort of mindset yet.

I can't reach headspace right now. I mean I'm sure I could; there is always this vague "just reach up and it's there" feeling where Laurie hangs out in Central and watches me for safety's sake, but I'm not taking the offer. I feel too sick and unworthy of that. She and everything she stands for are so terribly pure compared to me, to how filthy I tend to feel. I tend to not accept compassion or the expansive beauty of our inner world most days. It's dumb, and senseless, I know. But old habits are hard to break.
I know Genesis keeps wanting to stop by too, I can feel it almost tangibly at this point. But I actively tell myself "that's not real," "he's not real," "I don't want it," even when I secretly and desperately do want that beauty to be real, but I'm scared. I'm scared that if I say "yes" to that good thing, I'll be trapped? Like I'll have to act a role or play a part now that I'm being acknowledged as a person by them. More childhood programming. I just don't know how to let go of that one yet, as I don't know how to be a 'person' of my own yet, not without trying to live up to everyone else's vision of me in the process.
I want to live in headspace always but I am so terribly scared of some of the things in there, things that ONLY EXIST when I become a "person" that CAN interact with and perceive them, that I don't. I sacrifice friendship and wonder and imagination and joy in life, for the sake of not being ravaged every stupid time I accept those things. This paradox is the devil's playground and it makes me so miserable I'd rather die than live the rest of my days like this.

It hurts so much to type. I really cannot use this laptop anymore, this is excruciating. I'll have to make this short.

I'm still in tears reading this old stuff though. TRiPPY's work, if you haven't already guessed. That woman has been the single biggest creative light in my life. No one, ever, has had such a massive impact on me, not even Jena (whose inspiration was on more of a personal level, not as global).
I was caught off guard reading the old WTaHM stuff though; one sentence read, "before the Whiterealm was turned into a big pile of poisonous rust, it was incredible, snow, petals and beautifully illuminated by its 2 moons Bianca and Zuiverheid." And for whatever reason, that bit about the rust felt like I'd been gutted, I honestly started crying from shock and sick disbelief. Probably because I have always loved the White Realm in that world so much, but really, it felt personal. Surprising, but almost a relief, to feel something so strongly, after all this awful numbness.
Everything related to Engelbaum does that to me on some level though. The entire history and present-- and future, undoubtedly-- of that creative story, of that incredible world born within her life and dreams, has impacted me just as powerfully as Dream World has, in its own way. That is BIG! So you can understand why, reading about her own life, i am so strongly affected.
I feel so selfish and manipulative when I talk like that, like some sort of prissy seductive tart. Always cruel and spiteful and promiscuous. That is one of the scariest things in the world to me-- to not be able to ever talk about "myself," never using first person, never referring to the self OR the body, God forbid, because that is the feeling it is tied to. ALWAYS.

That is also where a lot of my personal mistranslation comes from, did you know? I didn't, not until yesterday. (there's the selfish sluttiness again)
I found an entire text file written BY Eros on the old hard drive, I thought it had been deleted, but there it was. All the stuff from February 2012, a pocket of time utterly alien to me. And I was trying to browse through it, it was all about healing past trauma and allowing the self to feel emotions and be happy and love people, et cetera... and I was so uncomfortable, i literally felt violated just reading it, Laurie actually made me stop because I was shaking and wanting to vomit after a few minutes. She asked me what the heck was going on, I tried to explain but THEN I realized that in one sentence, there it was-- Eros referred to himself as male. There it was, suddenly I wasn't so sickened. And that shocked me.
WHY is it that, whenever there is a Core in our System who is female, it elicits the most awful feelings? Like it feels utterly wrong and dirty and offensive-- NOT because they're a girl, but because of their motivations. Because of the aura around them. But it's still tied to their femaleness, and it makes NO SENSE, because if Lynne or Mulberry or Waldorf wrote things it would be fine... and then suddenly, I realized, it's not them, it's THE BODY. Whenever someone identifies with the body AS a female, suddenly everything they do becomes utterly perverted in an actively malicious way. Which is why I get scared when people slip with using pronouns for me, suddenly it feels like a condemnation, "nope you're fated to forever be this horrible sinful lustful violent thing, because I said so."
It makes no sense, saying it feels wrong, I don't even want to type it, I don't want it to be true. I want to stop typning


There's this creeping temperature chill in my stomach, cold and hot at the same time, and I feel like I'm maybe ten years old. Summer is coming and I'm inexplicably still terrified of the heat, although the thought of having spring rainshowers and bright green trees everywhere is the most ecstatic thought I've had in eons. The thought of it hit me today, and it was so surprising, I hadn't been aware that was something that could exist. Even now it's still an idealistic awareness but it can happen and that's amazingly surreal. I'd like to experience that, even if I have to break again to do it. I'm sick of being sick.
And yet I keep thinking I'm not sick enough to be healed yet. I hate this, so much, but can't see a different option from this low of a vantage point. I'd drag myself up to the top but it's a catch-22, you see... I "should" be down here. I "need to be."
I don't want to be. I don't care if that makes me the most horrid, slutty, wrong, sinful person on the planet. I don't want to have to live through violence and rape and fear and constant torment anymore. I'm sick of being punished for every action I take because "if it's carnal, it's already a sin!" I don't care... and yet I do, too much. I'm becoming dangerously apathetic just to survive, but it never lasts. I always end up drowning in moral paranoia and sobbing my eyes out because I feel I deserve it; seriously if Jesus himself hung on a cross why the HECK do YOU expect any sort of relief??
I'm getting ill from this, arms screaming already, I want to just sell my computers already rather than deal with the pain.

 

I've been hearing voices since I was a kid and they've just been getting louder as I get older. They attack me sometimes, cause me physical pain. It's horrible, it's no way to live. I can't even eat without them screaming at me to "stop being a slutbag" and attacking me so that I get physically ill when I try. That's still a dirty word, too: "eat." Filthy and wrong. I don't even have breakfast until after 5PM now and even then I'm throwing up half of it, typically from a sort of instinctive purgative fear, "get the weight out of my stomach." It's physically frightening, that weight. I'm never hungry, I literally don't ever get hungry, I don't need to eat anyway, right? But my body still gets sick and weak and dizzy and paralyzed when I stop. So I force something down, usually just raw vegetables, but even a paltry piece of lettuce gets those voices shouting. "Stop eating, you whore, before i f*cking kill you!!"
I wonder how many of our old headvoices have their roots in that mire. It's scary. I'm so glad they've grown into their own people now though.
We need a term that's not "headvoice" too. I don't want the word "voice" tied to the good people. I can understand and trust them even when they don't talk, and when they're around, the bad voices run in fear. So the System people need a better collective term, now that it's not 2008 and I now know they're not the bad ones.
I feel so sorry for Cannon. No wonder she fell. She went through a lot of awful stuff, it looks like. I don't have her memory, but she wrote a lot of what's in these archives. The gaps are frightening, not having any recollection of most of the life, but maybe that's for the best, if the memory would be scarier? I don't know. It's just sad, to be reading autobiographies of how people got this far, and I don't even remember what summer looks like.

I was so religiously sheltered as a kid, that's all I know. We lived up in the hills, no neighbors, not allowed to leave the front yard without getting in trouble-- which I did, on the times I would go explore the forest by myself. There was always this profound sense of aloneness, deep under the surface, despite the family bustle. Maybe it's only visible in memory. I don't know.
Dream World kept me sane once I was about 11 years old. I don't remember anything at all prior.
I met Genesis when I was 15 and that was one of the most amazing things to EVER happen to me, to suddenly have a friend that walked with me and talked with me and wasn't only reachable in my head. He was THERE, he got me through high school, he was how I survived college, he made my job bearable. The reality of his existence being so tangible alongside mine was the first time I ever felt alive, the first time I ever felt like I was a part of the physical world, and that I could enjoy it. I needed him to be before I could be, as well.
But that's all snapshots and bittersweet secondhand memory. Now, I tend to avoid him. It breaks my heart even now. I love him, he's my best friend ever, but I'm so scared of myself that I don't associate with him. And yet every time i leave the house, he's sitting in the front seat of the car, and I'll talk to him, even if it's only for a minute or so before I start to unhinge. I don't want that.
This feels like 2009-2010 creeping back up on me, God I don't want to ever live that again, please.



That hack last night dragged out some of the worst things in here.
I'm so scared. I thought it was healed. I thought Infi had fixed this. And yet ze did, the healing work is done, it's just that the old stuff is still here too, down in the mires and chthonic pits.
Wreckage has gold bones. They are literally made out of gold. For some reason, gold in headspace is the strongest material against the Tar, it's amazing to see she's literally made of it on some level.
I remember Eros was almost the Gold holder when he came to be, but he shifted to red, maybe that was his downfall, the slot was still corrupted back then too. Kind of funny how Wreckage holds the job better though, different way. Both tried to prevent this abuse from happening again. He just got dragged so far into it he couldn't tell what was abuse anymore. She doesn't take chances at all.
I stil do I guess. I have the same awful hope he did, the same hope every Core has, and still does, and maybe always will. We hope too much, we love life too much, even if it's a living nightmare, we keep trying even if we keep bleeding for it.
But there's a really fine line there and we seem unable to see it. There is a fine line between hope, and self-annihilation, and I think we're on the wrong side.

I want to die so badly, i keep looking for suicidal options day after day after day, all i want is relief for God's sake, I want to go through ONE DAY without the constant evil chatter in my head and the screaming body pain and the hacks hanging over me like she did once. I want to vomit just typing that, it's so sick, how the HECK do other people survive abuse without scars, i don't know, i don't understand i am so sorry i wasnt that strong then.

it hasn't stopped though, last night was proof, SHE was out, the body one, SHE is alive and she killed him and all the blood went to me and i want to die, i want to die rather than risk that happening again, i want to cut this body to shreds so that the reflection no longer looks like HER


I really really want to cry, I'm not sad about Ventrium anymore, I saw his corpse today and I was just too empty, I didn't know who he had once been anymore. He never had the opportunity to become anyway, but still it's sad, to see a life snuffed out before it had a chance to begin
god thats what the graves were about werent they? why don't i feel anything from them, i guess that was cannon's personal hell

then what is mine? are these voices mine, this unending siege of devils?
i would rather bleed, god give me the retributors angry passion again, let algorith and wreckage and razor tear me to shreds, i will be so grateful for it
scars are such a relief, isn't taht sad? the blood, the scars, are a blessed RELIEF from the other kind of pain i suffer otherwise.

i thought the hacks were done
someone thought they were done in 2010, then cannon died
someone thought they were done in 2011, then eros died
someone thought they were done in 2012, then j died
someone thought they were done in 2013, then everything shattered to pieces and even though infi survived, and i came back, and all the lower levels were dragged up from the dirt, this hell still hasn't stopped and god i want it to stop, please. what do we do/.

i want a job so we can buy food but i have panic attacks when i leave the house, i don't trust myself to drive anymore, the dissociation is worse than ever, thevoices dont go away i want them to LEAVE
i want to live in joy and love and abundance but smething is keeping me chained to this dungeon? why do i feel i have to be here.
i don't have to be here.
immediately the voices (far away) say "yes you do, you must suffer for your sins,"
infi steps up
"no he doesn't"
mumbles of protest and 'blasphemy' but there's a real light of hope now, all of a sudden

maybe this IS hell. mabe with whatever's going on in the world, i've gotta live through that now
hey you know how deviolei ascend into angelorei, haha now there's a big shot of inspiration
dream world is great. there's no gap. engelbaum is great too, that's true hope and motivation

i dont want to be in hell anymore but i think i'm stuck here by my own hand in some way?
a quote i found earlier:
“Wickedness makes a bad use not only of evil, but also of good.
In the same way, holiness makes a good use not only of good, but also of evil.”
St. Augustine right there. i know he was a big inspiration to one of our older ones too, for a time.
nevertheless that is very good advice so let's make sure we follow it well

now i am in a lot of pain and i am very tired and therapy is tomorrow so i will see you later, good night.
and i really mean that, "good night," let's keep the stars in mind and make it one.

the moon will be blood red tonight and if i can take a page from the retributors,
let's look at it as a celestial absolution from whatever spiritual poison has choked us
javier's red now, he's the true meaning of that color, compassionate and strong
blood is not evil, it is life, it is beautiful too
and the moon reflects light back to us, real living light, even when the source is invisible, even when it's pitch black.

so tonight let's paint the night red and let's celebrate,
this is bravery and hope shining down in the night,
and the sun is going to come up in the morning.

 

 

 

 

Suddenly all the bizarre "empty" symptoms I'm having make sense-- as does why they go away almost immediately when I'm upstairs or conscious of myself.
Constant vigilance is definitely still a thing. This can be lethal, quite lethal, if I slip. I am doing much better though. Just need to get someone to ghost 24/7, even if the shift rotates, to make sure nothing tries to crack security.
I can deal with the physical problems-- the hot flashes and weakness and weird tingly feelings and headaches and all that. It's the energy-color shake-ups I'm worried about, and my heart's a mess. Nathaniel, if Green really does deal with emotion, you're going to have to work with me here!
But in all seriousness... I can't shake the existential deadness. Honestly, I keep yearning for oblivion in some abstract sense? I think. It's hard to pinpoint. All I know is that nothing feels "worth doing" anymore. I'm sleeping 10 hours a night on average, more if I can. Last night I got about 13. I keep feeling the inspiration I used to put into art-- that huge sparkling tidal wave-- but when I pick up a pencil it subsides. Same with music. The 'wall' between hands and heart feels insurmountable most days, and I don't like that one bit. I just don't know how to translate something so formless into lines and notes. I hope I can learn, somehow.
Nevertheless, lately I just want to sit and stare out a window at the fog or snow for hours, or sleep. But in a peaceful way. Not "I want to die" like in 2010. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I can't tell. I had this in Utah, but to a somewhat lesser extent as my situation 'forbade' it.
I'm trying to exercise more but with these inner-state imbalances I'm a little scared to. In the past I used to have some severe hacks immediately after exercise, possibly because of endorphins, who knows. Sure, I don't have to worry about hacks like that anymore, but the tar hacks are kind of terrifying because they aren't direct. The vicious raw intent slams into me, and I KNOW it's not me and I can let it just sit there without throwing me off, but it's really disturbing because it doesn't leave. It's this big black shadow just looming there, driving me mad. As of late I've had to forcibly reroute its energy but I don't want to do that any more; it's utterly exhausting. I just am not comfortable with it hovering there, because as soon as I slip... wham. I know it'll strike, even if I'm personally unfazed. That's what makes Tar worse than Julie. Julie's methods dragged me so far in I couldn't tell what was up or down, whereas the Tar doesn't care whether or not I even look at it. It's going to try and flood my brain anyway.
Agh, this isn't something I should be thinking about. I suppose I'm just shaken up.
The 'void' in my stomach came back today. Not sure why. It went away for a week but that might also be because I was giving in to that awful starving feeling and eating really bulky things, which made me terribly ill but at least staved off the "bottomless pit" feeling. Now I'm being more careful and it's coming back. Geez! Still not sure what to do about it... a quote I heard recently does come to mind though. "Your sorrows and hurts are healed only when you touch them with compassion.”
Don't think so hard kid, just let your heart handle it. It knows what to do... and by extension, so do you.

A brighter note: my past two dreams have been INSANELY vivid. This is awesome. I've put my old paper dream journal back on my bedstand. I didn't get to update homefive much in Utah as I would try to spend my mornings with Q and Mel before they left for the day, whereas normally I'd wake up and spend the next 90+ minutes typing and interpreting my dream. Having that taken from me was actually devastating to my mental state and I didn't realize that until I got it back. So I won't take it for granted. I'm going to try to get back into that habit; dreams are very important, and now that they're so much clearer, I want to make sure I'm respecting them as they deserve.

Laurie, Chaos, and I spent about 2 solid hours listening to The Dear Hunter last night, which was absolutely worth it. I still cannot get over how gorgeous the Violet songs are... if I can get over this art block I do want to illustrate them. I actually tried doing 'chibi' versions of Central about two weeks ago, starting with Josephina, but that was ridiculously difficult for three reasons: 1) drawing with a Wacom tablet is stupidly hard for me. 2) Still don't know the 'shortcuts' in digital art so a simple sketch can take me hours. 3) Trying to 'refine' a facial structure under those circumstances can take an entire afternoon. And that's what happened! Seriously I got this far and then gave it a break, because I still get overwhelmed when working with layers... maybe I'll just focus on pencil for a while. I am going back to school in the spring so that's probably a smart idea.
FL Studio is still ridiculously frustrating as I want to write orchestral pieces and you can't exactly do that on that program. The music I hear in my head is not the sort of music that I write, and that drives me nuts... all my electronic work follows the same rough format because that's all I can figure out how to do. I'm not happy with that. Nevertheless I'm going to work FL for all it's worth. I still don't entirely understand the program which is severely hindering the quality of my music, so I've decided to try and learn it in sincerity as soon as I get the opportunity-- in other words, whenever I feel stable enough spiritually. That might not be until January, haha. But it's on my to-do list.

As for why I'm updating tonight... well, there's not much to say in words, but it was significant enough to merit an honest attempt regardless.
I'm having a tough time comprehending all the stuff that's been happening with headspace lately, but... tonight, despite the shadows clawing at my throat, I managed to remember the core of myself strongly enough to transcend that darkness and give light to someone else.
Basically, Laurie's not a black hole anymore. Let's just say I gave her some stars. She was kind of freaking out over it, but hey. She deserves it.
We've got a lot of questions now, sure... even though she's a headvoice, can she get soulwings now? Can she tap into the exclusive energy resonance that allows such drastic manifestations up here? Personally I ardently hope so; It would be amazing. But we'll see. I have to stop trying to rush things. I have to remember that we still have time, even if it's not the same time we used to have... things will happen when they need to happen.

Now I'm exhausted, my teeth ache for unknown reasons, and my vision's spinning. Dude.
See you whenever, keep smiling, don't ever lose faith!

Let me open with this.

“An optimist is someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is not a disaster, it's more like a cha-cha.”

...Now for our first dance lesson.




I've been eating little besides rice, lettuce, and unholy amounts of curry powder for the past three days straight. I've been spending hours on end in the kitchen, cooking up several batches of each and eating them spasmodically throughout the day, often to the point of pain. Today this behavior coincided with deep fatigue and I asked myself, exhausted, why I was forcing myself to cook and eat all this food when I wasn't enjoying it whatsoever; on the contrary, it was making me very ill. Almost immediately my thoughts insisted, almost desperately, that it was "because I was terribly hungry." I reflected on this for a moment, confused, as my stomach was telling me the exact opposite, to the same extremes.
Then I realized, with a feeling like the floor falling through, that feeling of starvation isn't coming from my stomach at all.

I'm trying to structure my thoughts on this situation before I discuss it openly, so I'm hesitant even to post this here. The motivation for that is the nature of the situation itself, and one facet of this starvation problem, which I realized today. Let's start there.
I'll refer you all to this entry for a quick rundown, as it's still 100% relevant, but let me give you a refresher here as well.
Back in July, I realized that I had acquired a sick sort of "spiritual hunger," like having a black hole in the center of my chest. This was shocking as I had felt the opposite for several months prior: no need or want of food at all, without the hunger pains. Now it was just the ravenous pain, without a want of food, and the switch was disorienting, sudden and strong. This hunger ached, it gnawed, it drove me mad. I couldn't make it go away. As the months went on, this hunger drove me to become almost obsessively spiritual-- reading hours worth of articles online every day, attending every church service I realistically could, and seeking discussions with anyone and everyone willing to participate. Talking to my headspace family also helped this, as they exist on that "level" and so interaction with them is roughly equivalent to meditation in terms of the effects it has on my soul. Regardless, the hunger stayed, and paradoxically, the more I tried to "feed" it, the hungrier it got. It wanted more and more of that divine supermango, to reference Huxley as always.
Now, almost four months after its inception, I swear I am being eaten alive. It's no longer a grumble, a yell, a roar. Now it's a cancerous scream.
The hilarious thing is that it's not necessarily a "bad thing." It's hungry for the things that bring me to life, after all. The real bad thing, the real problem here, is the fact that it still exists at all. And that's what I realized today. I'm binge-eating on the physical level for the sake of numbing the pangs of emotional hunger... psychological and spiritual too, maybe... either way that is obvious, but it never quite hit me that it's not exactly hunger anymore; it's MALNOURISHMENT. It's like eating reams of paper; there's choking amounts of substance, yeah, but it's not giving me what I need. It's like gasping for air when there's no oxygen in the room. You can breathe all you want, but...
And you know what? That fact is utterly horrifying. Because I'm eating a LOT, on every level. I'm attending mass three times a week, talking to missionaries, going to Bible discussions, studying Scripture, checking spiritual newsblogs hourly, visiting holistic healers, meditating, praying... yet there it is. But the feeling kicks in most loudly after I talk to Chaos. Note the word after. When Q or Mel channel him, he's THERE, so his energy is getting through, and the way it resonates with mine is all but an absolute freaking religious experience. It's direct love, direct divine compassion, echoed. It's what I glean from chats with psychic-shop employees and discussions on the Psalms every Wednesday, but concentrated to a mind-numbing intensity. So being with him here brings me to a feeling of deep balance, HERE. That's big. So when he leaves... it's the equivalent of stopping up this voracious inner pit, then yanking out the plug. There's an instant feeling of something being jarred and then I deflate somehow, like a homeless man thrown out of the first banquet he's seen in years. There's a moment of shock when you hit the sidewalk again after having tasted real food for the first time in so long, you know?
So yeah, I think that's an accurate description of how I'm feeling right now. If this is what the tar is going through, then it has my empathy. It's definitely just as hungry as I am, maybe in a different sense, I'm not sure yet... but this is not something I'd wish on anyone, metaphysical waste-lock or not.

Anyway. Long story short, I'm still starved, and I'm acting like a glutton in the physical to desperately try to alleviate it.
And at the moment, as far as I can figure, the reason WHY I can't seem to ever feel satiated is simple... there's no food I can digest here.
Ridiculously simple, isn't it? But why else would I be stuffing myself yet remaining empty? My body/mind/spirit must not be able to "metabolize" what I'm eating on that level, somehow. So either I need to figure out digestion, or find a new food source.
I will work on both, but I can't ignore the fact that I've also been dreaming of Pennsylvania virtually every single night since August 15th.
I also can't ignore the reason this entry happened.

After realizing that no matter how much food I forced myself to eat, I wasn't going to feel any less desperate for nourishment, I collapsed onto the couch in the living room and called my grandmother.
I cried over the phone for an hour.
And it helped.

Whatever brought me to Utah, I'm wondering if it hasn't already been accomplished, or if it isn't going to be soon. Because now I keep getting pushes that "you can't stay here; you're not supposed to!!" The hunger is making it worse, but I need to be patient. After November 3rd, we'll see what happens. Until then I have to wait, and maybe learn to fast, or find something new to eat, you know the drill. Something.
But I am wondering, seriously, now. First, I wonder about my job/career, both now and in the future. I'm currently unemployed, not just because I just moved but also because I now have transportation problems. In any case I also know I cannot force myself to work a cashier job at the moment; I tried it back in September and had an emotional breakdown for a week. I thought we were over those, but apparently not! So that's one big option out. As a result I prayed about it, and kept praying about it, and last night I got an answer.
Apparently I need to work with kids, and I need to bring my creative works into that?
What shocked me the most was that, when I got that response, it CLICKED. Prior to last night I had balked at the idea of working with kids, but all of a sudden it felt like "wow, I could really do that!" I actually cried, haha, it felt pretty big. So yes. That's a step I need to take. The good thing is that I can do that anywhere, so even if I move back I can continue that line of work just as well if not better.
As to why I've been considering moving back to PA in total seriousness again lately, it's not just because of the nagging push that I need to "move" in general, which also strongly feels that even if I do move back, I won't stay for long. It's not even mostly that. My urge to move out now is tied directly into the starvation thing.
This house, this environment, and these people I live with, cannot fulfill my needs. I realized that back in August, and it's only been strengthened since then. Now I need to get the guts to admit it, actively, and take steps to fix it. Consider this step one.
I don't feel at home here. I don't feel safe here, somehow... not in a "danger" sense, but in a sense that it's lacking warmth. I feel like a throwaway, an extra, a drifter relegated to the broom closet to sleep. I don't feel like I'm part of a family here, I don't feel recognized, and that is strange because I KNOW Mel and Q try their absolute best towards that end. But that's just it... it's like eating paper. For some reason their sustenance doesn't feed me at all, and I'm slowly becoming skin and bones. I love them and I care for them deeply, but it can't be right for me to stay here solely for that reason. I need to take care of myself for once. I haven't been doing that very well lately.
It's also probably why I feel like I'm "using" them when I ask them to channel Chaos... it's because I'm getting something life-giving out of something that simply keeps me in stasis while I slowly stagnate. I am using them, simply because I can't use what they can give me anymore, but I can use their ability to open a door temporarily, to sneak back into the banquet hall and nab just one piece of mango before I need to return to the streets...

I still miss the trees and fresh water and mountain air. But now, more than anything, I miss the people.
I miss having brothers and grandparents to talk to, and even more, I miss being there for THEM to talk to. Sure, it's nice here, to have Q and Mel to talk to, but really... how often does that happen? And when it does, how often is it substantial? It's awfully frustrating, to live with two people who swear they are trying to make you feel loved, and yet are incapable of fulfilling that need by virtue of their own life responsibilities and seeming incapability to speak my language. I have no desire to make them change their lives to fit mine, and the more days pass, the more I realize that ultimately, that dilemma is going to force me to leave sometime soon. It's inevitable. I'm starving, damn it, and I'm tired of being able to count my ribs when I look inside.

In happier news, I'm trying to catch up on RCRDLBL's beautiful archives, and I also found TWO websites full of free music two days ago! As a result, as of today I have 672 new tracks in my library, haha. I haven't listened to most of them of course, but I'm looking forward to the process. There have been some absolute gems in here already, most notably THIS and THIS, which is great. I'm also pleasantly surprised by how much I like this and this song. Neat stuff, huh?
Oh, Smiths' was playing Andy William's version of Moon River over their speakers this morning when I went to buy some more leaf lettuce (I've been craving it like a mofo lately), and DUDE his voice is just pure warm happy nostalgia. It's something about the total quality of it, it feels like an autumn morning or something. Lovely stuff. So of course I went and downloaded one of his greatest hits albums, ahaha, I'm ridiculous. Totally worth it though. Also THIS!
(I do have to confess, though... hearing his voice, which I associate with my childhood & grandmother, HERE, where I'm stranded across the country and where my soul is starving to death and missing my family so much it's destroying me... I broke down sobbing in the produce aisle, haha. The dissonance cut me open like a knife. That's when I knew I had to do something, to change something... or I have to leave.)
Also, I'm trying VERY hard to get back into art, and I did succeed in sketching a few Jewel Monsters 2001-style yesterday, as well as finding a new bee monster species! I'm not quite 'tuned in' to their energy yet-- if I was I wouldn't have been so utterly burnt out today-- but it's a start, and a beautiful start at that. I'm never lost, remember?

I think that's a good note to close up on.

See you next time, kids. Keep on dancing through the waves of life.