the spectrum heart cathedral system

(uncensored. we're not sure who wrote it but we're leaving it unedited for their sake.)





I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER THE EATING DISORDER SOMAFONI
LISTEN WE LOST TEN FUCKING HOURS TODAY TO THEIR BULLSHIT

and you know what the scariest thing is?

NO ONE CAN ACCESS THE DATA.
IT'S SHEER TRAUMA DATA.
LITERALLY NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT IT THAT'S HOW HORRIFIC THIS REGISTERS.

Julie even said what they're doing is LITERAL, EXPLICIT ABUSE FORCING.
WHAT THE HELL
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE

we thought they were just... acting on starvation triggers. thanks to tbhu & upmc fallout, the force-feeding trauma there.
but NO
APPARENTLY IT'S WORSE,
THE MAIN DAMN REASON THIS EATING DISORDER KEEPS COMING BACK IS BECAUSE, AS TODAY PROVED QUITE HORRIFICALLY, IT IS A LITERAL TRAUMATIC EVENT.
AND OUR BRAIN KEEPS TRYING TO PERPETUATE TRAUMA.

WHY?????!?!??!?!

WHAT THE HELL GUYS
WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS END UP FORCING US INTO SITUATIONS THAT MAKE THE TRAUMA WORSE
OR FORCE US TO EXPLICITLY RELIVE PAST TRAUMA
WHY CAN'T WE HEAL OR LET GO
WHY DO WE ALWAYS SEEM TO "NEED" MORE BLOOD AND SCREAMING AND PAIN AND NIGHTMARES AND EXISTENTIAL TERROR AND WANTING TO FUCKING DIE

SOMEONE LITERALLY CONSIDERED FORCING HACKS LAST WEEK.
I AM FUCKING SERIOUS
THAT IS INSANITY
and yet, there it was,
literally they were thinking "maybe THIS will stop the eating disorder relapses" but WHY WOULD IT??
BECAUSE IT'S TRAUMATIC. BECAUSE IT'S HORRIFYING AND IT MAKES US WANT TO DIE.
THE BULIMIC HELLS DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
except hacks don't drain our bank account.
BULL SHIT THAT'S NOT A VALID REASON TO SHIFT THE DAMN ABUSE METHOD
we're so damn tired though. it's literally not even about food. it's about abuse
IT'S ABOUT DESTRUCTION TOO. WE'VE NOTICED THIS. THE FOOD AND THE MONEY AND THE BODY. THE E.D. IS ALL ABOUT DESTROYING THINGS. IT'S SO FUCKING VIOLENT IT'S HONESTLY TERRIFYING
do you think it would stop if we.... you know, if we let the retributors or someone go back to just bloodying up the body
GOOD LUCK GETTING KNIFE TO PICK UP HIS NAMESAKE FOR THAT PURPOSE AGAIN. OR RAZOR. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT TIME PERIOD. THEY HAVE TRAUMA TOO I BET.
yeah but there's gotta be someone who is still willing and able to slice us up, who's been doing the atonement lately?
I DON'T KNOW ACTUALLY. CANNON BLOODLINE CORE I THINK.
really? well there you go, give her a blade and let her go to work
YOU REALLY THINK THAT WILL STOP THE BULIMIC SOMAFONI.
esthiofoni
YEAH BUT I'M FOCUSED ON THE DESTRUCTIVE ASPECT ARE WE TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT?
you're right it's not even eating half the time. most of the time
ALL OF THE TIME. IT'S EITHER ANNIHILATION OR ABUSE
good point
SO ARE THEY STILL "ESTHIOS" OR DO WE NEED NEW JARGON.
we'll have to ask the kardis, only they can make that call
ANYWAY I'M JUST GONNA CALL THEM ABUSERS. BITCHES. DEVILS. THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY ARE
are they? if they're foni then there's a real solid chance they might not actually be evil
...THAT'S TRUE.
like why are they forcing THEMSELVES to relive traumatic events via food.
IT'S POISON HALF THE TIME
all of the time. suicidal too
OH I KNOW IT'S TERRIFYING. LITERAL DEATH RISK FROM WHAT THEY'RE MAKING THE BODY EAT. FUCKING TERRIFYING.
that's the whole point. oh shit that's the point
WHAT?
suicide. do you think maybe they just want the body to die
WOULD THAT REQUIRE FORCING IT TO RELIVE RAPE EVENTS.
that would merit suicide, so maybe.
DEAR GOD IT'S ALL JUST TRAUMA PROCESSING AFTER ALL, CENTRAL WAS RIGHT
how the hell is forcing trauma going to help us process it.
ASK THAT QUESTION OF THE SAME DAMN PEOPLE WATCHING SHIT ONLINE LATELY
oh. good point.
FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A TREND OF "US" JUST... NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP EXPOSING OUR EXISTENCE TO HELLS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MAKING THINGS WORSE. UNABLE TO LET GO AND BE HAPPY.
happiness is labeled as a crime i've heard
WHY
we're slipping
I CAN FEEL IT. I GUESS THIS ISN'T OUR TOPIC TO DISCUSS
note it for someone else

HOW DO WE STOP THIS.
can we? isn't that Central's job?
THAT CANNON-CORE HAS BEEN MAD AT GOD LATELY. BECAUSE OF THIS. WANTING HIM TO STOP IT AND HE WON'T.
apparently there's something we need to learn from it then
SARCASM.
no just bitter. i can empathize with the anger. it's fear and confusion i'm sure. that's the natural response to this.
THE HACKS WERE LIKE THAT TOO I'VE HEARD
oh i bet. "god please make it stop" and it takes what, ten fucking years?
I DON'T KNOW
but shit i guess things worked out somehow. i don't know.
JULIE'S ON OUR SIDE. SO THEY DID.
true
BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING REDEMPTIVE ABOUT LETTING THIS EATING DISORDER CONTINUE BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY MURDERING US.
i know it's bullshit but if it really is tied into this trauma perpetuation thing maybe this is... i dunno maybe that's "why" God hasn't stopped it yet.
WHAT, LIKE IT HAD TO GET THIS BAD AGAIN BEFORE WE'D REALIZE WHAT'S BEHIND IT?
possibly. i mean tbhu apparently taught us a lot? i don't know but there's a whole tablet full of stuff they apparently learned.
LIKE WHAT
dude i have no clue i don't have that data, i don't know who does
THE TABLET DOES
well then once they upload it we all will. but that's off topic, the point is that apparently this STOPPED for eight solid weeks. somehow. and someone else was in charge. but it fell apart at the end.
THE FAMILY MADE IT RELAPSE IMMEDIATELY
shit i forgot about the family
AND THAT DAMNED HOUSE. THAT DAMNED TRAUMA SINKHOLE OF A HOUSE
do you think that's playing into this trauma forcing thing??
SHIT MAYBE. OH HELL THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE
don't we fucking shift every time we're up there? like who the hell even fronts in that environment? with the mother?
I DON'T THINK WE EVEN KNOW
and they're abusive
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE, THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF US
but do they have trauma memories? no, obviously not, they're a social. so... are they just there as a buffer? or something?
ACTING ON THE TRAUMA WITHOUT FEELING IT THEMSELVES?
yeah. like... oh shit i just got data?
WHAT?
someone said it's "like a drug high." like the e.d. behavior with the mother is literally to numb the brain with panic? and terror?
THAT'S IRONIC. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK.
because the trauma makes consciousness shut down
OH. SHIT.
like someone did at cnc. and slc. the only "drug" we had apparently. the only abuse method and suicide analogue we had as well.
NO I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE WERE REAL ATTEMPTS IN BOTH THOSE LOCATIONS.
true. but the e.d. was tied to that. like it was killing ourself without killing ourself.
AND THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA?
just like with the mother. the situations are all way too similar apparently
SO WE STILL WANT TO DIE?
no. someone does, on the somafoni level apparently. physical. acting on body memories i guess
WE'RE SLIPPING REALLY BAD
i know we're even getting information on this that's insane
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP BEFORE WE LOSE OUR SENSES OF SELF TOO
yeah we don't have much of those to begin with. but at least we wrote stuff down for people, high five
HECK YEAH
at least we're still alive
ALL OF US?
yeah. the e.d. and the trauma haven't killed us yet
THERE IS NO "YET" THERE. THEY DON'T GET THE RIGHT TO KILL US. ANY OF US.
they tried. they succeeded in some cases
BULL SHIT. YOU THINK THE CORES WILL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT?
haha no. you're right. jay fights like hell against hell.
HE DOES. SO DO THE JEWELS AND CANNONS. ALL THE KARDIFONI DO. THAT'S THEIR JOB. LOVE AND LIFE.
they're probably so pissed at these eating disorder people
NO THEY'RE HEARTBROKEN MOSTLY.
really?
YEAH, DUH. NO SOMAFONI WOULD DO THAT UNLESS THEY WERE DEVASTATINGLY BROKEN
so even you swearing up the wall at them, you recognize that?
I CAN ADMIT IT MAKES SENSE. I MEAN YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT UNLESS YOU'RE SCREWED UP BAD. BUT I'M STILL PISSED AS HELL AT THEM ALL. AND I'D KILL 'EM IF I COULD. BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT SMART OR POSSIBLE. UNFORTUNATELY.
yeah murdering foni never ends well. historically. for anyone.
GOOD POINT. IF THERE'S A STUPID DAMN REASON WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS THEN SOMEONE ELSE WOULD TAKE THEIR PLACE.
...do you want to test that
SHIT YES I DO. BUT LIKE I SAID, DON'T KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.
why
I DON'T HAVE A BODY, DO I? AND I'M NOT ON THEIR LEVEL EITHER. PLUS THEY DON'T HAVE INTERNAL FORMS. THEY'RE IN THE BODY. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL A SOMAFONI.
they're doing a pretty damn good job of that themselves
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. SADLY. AND ANGRILY, KILLING US IN THE PROCESS.
do they even realize that?
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, PROBABLY NOT, THEY THINK LIKE SINGLETS
some of them do
THE WORST OF THEM DO.
i've heard that some of them are aware of the System at large though. and talk to Central. like Julie was apparently helping one of them today
YEAH BECAUSE THE TRAUMA TRIGGERED HER OUT WHICH IS FUCKING INSANE.
...still, it shows that there's hope there, i guess.
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT. IF JULIE HADN'T SHOWED UP AND INSISTED THAT THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
no kidding. jeez. that's a scary thought. it could've been worse
YEAH JUST LOOK AT THE OLD DAYS DATA. "TILLY" DAYS. SHE WAS FUCKING NUTS.
she was a thriskefoni, how the hell was she perpetuating the eating disorder?
I DUNNO, MAYBE SHE WASN'T, I'M SURE THERE WERE ESTHIOS IN THE WORKS THERE TOO, BUT TILLY DIDN'T HELP AT ALL
i know nothing about her
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. BARE BONES DATA. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
who the hell was responsible for e.d. behavior in cnc btw? does anybody know?
ZUCCH? JASON? THOSE ARE THE NAMES I'M GETTING. TAUREIA? A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
geez i know nothing about that
NEITHER DO I. NO ONE HAS LOOKED AT THE DATA IN YEARS. LITERALLY SINCE IT WAS WRITTEN
maybe we should
DEFINITELY WE SHOULD. IF ANYONE WAS TRYING TO TRAUMATIZE US FURTHER VIA FOOD IT WAS DEFINITELY IN CNC.
yeah no kidding, that's when we were actively suicidal, even i know that
AND YET SOMEHOW NO ONE REALIZED IT OUTSIDE.
that's kind of the point, isn't it?
APPARENTLY, SADLY, YEAH.
self-annihilation but cut off from the rest of the people fronting. that happened today, didn't it?
YEAH WITH THE TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. LIKE I SAID THE CANNON-CORE WAS PISSED. AND SCARED TO DEATH OF COURSE. LITERALLY "CAME TO" AND LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AND WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL, IT WAS JUST 3PM, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE PAST 10 HOURS GO"
how the hell are you getting this data
IT'S BEING MADE AVAILABLE TO ME. THERE'S A DATA FEED ON SOME STUFF IF YOU REACH UP FOR IT.
really? nice. the archivists?
NO THE... HELMET GIRL?
huh
NO NAME. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE. SHE'S NOT NEW THOUGH.
well tell her thank you because otherwise i don't think anyone else would be writing this down
THAT'S OUR JOB I GUESS
are we done?
MAYBE I GUESS HOLY SHIT IT'S 3AM
yeah that's probably our curtain call. hey thanks for talking with me about this. glad we can at least help everyone else in whatever way we can.
HEY YOU TOO. SORRY WE'VE BEEN SLIPPING SO BAD
that's to be expected. we're blurry. we're grafifoni to boot, we're bound to blur with datafeeds and all that. gonna take time to figure ourselves out
AT LEAST IN THE MEANTIME WE'RE STILL DOING GOOD WORK
yeah, that means a lot.
IT DOES. THANKS FOR BEING HERE
you too

So I tried double french toast today & THAT was LOVELY, but I made ONE BIG ERROR and THAT was DOUBLE SYRUP. Dude I feel SO SICK right now, haha. I HAVE LEARNED. Honestly that's how I need to view this. ALSO, the TIMING. The centers of the french toast are GORGEOUSLY SOFT but the CRUSTS are CHEWY & although delicious they are almost IMPOSSIBLE to cut without a knife (which we don't get), and THAT effort is TAKING WAY TOO MUCH TIME... we should TAKE THE CRUSTS OFF, WHILE the bread is still uncut & not syruped. That way we SAVE TIME. But we must be strategic when we're so constrained for time; we had to LITERALLY CHOKE DOWN our ENTIRE MEAL TODAY because of waiting in line & HOW LONG IT TOOK TO PREP. Still, DON'T GRUMBLE! We LEARNED what works & figured out a better strategy, AND learned that WE DON'T LIKE ALL THIS SUGAR & so we DON'T HAVE TO FORCE IT!!
IN OTHER NEWS bananas taste BETTER when they're GREENER & we LIKE them that way & also COLD. They also DON'T TASTE "the way we expected"?? I think we were used to the overly yellow taste of overripe bananas, which we're NOT a fan of. So this discernment is good!
Lastly, we apparently like coffee better WITHOUT CREAM & SUGAR? We seem to lean savory. That's cool to discern, actually! We're "DISCOVERING" OUR UNIQUE PREFERENCES, which WILL reveal to me NEW & INTERESTING symbolic insights into my DISPOSITION & VALUES as well.

✳AFTER LN = the VOLUME of my meals is TOO HIGH and it's because I KEEP PUSHING VEGETABLES. I feel like I'm "making a BIG MISTAKE/ doing something "WRONG"/ against my values"? if I DON'T INCLUDE ALL THE VEGETABLES EXCHANGES IN MY MEALPLAN. That is FORCING the extra bulk & time of a salad, PLUS it FORCES MORE LIPIDS with the dressing, and it's not helping anyone. It's an ugly cycle. BUT I'M INTERNALIZING ALL THE "HEALTH TALK" again. Like, if I DON'T have a salad WITH the "UNHEALTHY" sides like chips & ice cream, then I'm "REFUSING TO BE HEALTHY." And that terrifies me, because I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHEALTHY ANYMORE. Ironically, the REAL "unhealthy" behavior is OVEREATING EXCHANGES. I'm ALSO doing this at BK because SUDDENLY I feel "compelled" to have 2x EGGS PLUS COTTAGE CHEESE, and that's WITH the 4CHO requirement, AND 2 FRUITS. It's FAR too much. ...but I'm compensating. I'm pushing protein because I'm terrified of all the carbs, like that'll somehow "even things out." It's NOT. I am getting SO SICK but I'M STUCK until TUESDAY with the locked-in mealplan. That's 4 MORE DAYS of FORCEFEEDING HELL. This is also a huge fear for "IOP" recovery. I DON'T WANT TO BE DISOBEDIENT or "REBELLIOUS" or "UNCOOPERATIVE," but if the INSIST that I KEEP FORCING DOWN these MONSTROUS amounts of food, I WILL QUIT. I CANNOT keep ABUSING BOTH my BODY AND MY MIND by LITERALLY "NORMALIZING OVEREATING/ BINGEING" JUST BECAUSE "THE DOCTORS TOLD ME TO." For once in my life I WANT TO SAY "NO"!!! I WANT TO PROTECT THIS BODY FROM ABUSE & TORTURE. I WANT TO TAKE CARE OF IT WITH COMPASSION & PATIENCE & KINDNESS & MERCY. I AM SO SICK OF BEING SICK. I NEED, NOT JUST WANT BUT LITERALLY NEED, TO LIVE A FULL LIFE, and if this bloody mealplan is going to KEEP FORCING ME TO "CENTER MY LIFE ON FOOD," then I WILL KICK IT TO THE CURB. I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS GODFORSAKEN COMPULSIVE-OBSESSION AND THIS RIGID "EXCHANGE SYSTEM" IS ONLY PERPETUATING IT. Listen man when you GIVE ME NUMBERS, I WILL OBSESS OVER THEM. The trick is to give me the "RIGHT" numbers-- which, for me, were a GENERAL calorie count, APPROXIMATE macros, and a KITCHEN SCALE, so that I'm NOT OVEREATING!! I'm rambling and I apologize. I feel trapped & sick & scared. I'm disgusted by ALL THIS FOOD I'M BEING "FORCED" TO EAT. God knows I WISH I could just NOT eat 100% if doing so would TRIGGER THE EATING DISORDER MINDSET & REINFORCE the cursed thing, because THAT'S WHAT IT'S DOING, INESCAPABLY. I'm here FOR BINGE-EATING and I WANT TO QUIT IT FOREVER SO STOP FORCING ME TO KEEP DOING IT UNDER THE LABEL OF "TREATMENT"!!! ...I'm hoping I get discharged soon JUST so this will STOP. If I'm stuck here then I NEED to talk to the nutritionist about altering my mealplan, WITHOUT sounding like I'm "chickening out of recovery" OR "being restrictive." God help me I'm struggling with this so much. IRONICALLY if I could just CUT OUT THE EXTRA EXCHANGES I MIGHT be okay. That's SOME hope at least. Even if it FEELS cowardly, I MIGHT have to determine a FIXED BK MENU that's LOW VOLUME & LOW SUGAR... that could work. But please, CUT THE VOLUME!!! For lunch, though, we NEED to solve the salad issue. HAVE ONE A DAY, with 1LPD dressing! You're NOT "OBLIGATED" to have EVERY vegetable! CONSIDER THEIR FIBER CONTENT/ TIME TO EAT. Do NOT add extra lipids! While we're here we HAVE TO THINK STRATEGICALLY, BUT for a DIFFERENT goal: NOT "doing everything" BUT "STOPPING THE BINGES"!!!

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LET'S TALK RECOVERY DETAILS. Most importantly, I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN. I do NOT EVER WANT TO OVEREAT AGAIN. I DON'T EVER WANT TO HURT OR ABUSE OR NEGLECT OR TORTURE THIS POOR BODY AGAIN. That is the FOUNDATION here. The next immediate point is our NEW SIZE & SHAPE. We're "THICKER" now, like a FORTRESS. We have SUBSTANCE & LATENT STRENGTH. There IS the POTENTIAL to FINALLY BECOME STRONG, now that our body has the RAW MATERIAL to WORK WITH. The question we must pause & clarify in asking is: WHY do we VALUE physical strength so much? Answer: we want to be CAPABLE, of HELPING & PROTECTING others. We admittedly "DESPISE/ FEAR" weakness/ helplessness/ impotence/ powerlessness-- being "incapable" or "not strong enough" is TERRIFYING on a deep level. We seem to EQUATE "STRONG" with "GOOD"? If we're WEAK & FRAIL & HELPLESS, we're USELESS, and CAN'T do "ANYTHING GOOD." But there IS a distortion in this. PHYSICAL STRENGTH ISN'T "INHERENTLY" VIRTUOUS. IT'S HOW YOU USE IT: for CHARITY, NOT EGOTISM! But on the flipside, PHYSICAL "WEAKNESS," even INCAPACITATION, ISN'T A HINDRANCE OR BARRIER TO VIRTUE & even SAINTHOOD (remember BACE!), BECAUSE VIRTUE IS SPIRITUALLY BASED & YOU DON'T "HAVE TO BE "USEFUL"" TO BE GOOD. YOU'RE STILL "USEFUL" TO GOD, EVEN IN A TOTALLY BROKEN & HELPLESS BODY. So please, CORRECT YOUR VALUES. Your FEAR is focusing on BRUTE STRENGTH and IF you CAN'T achieve that admittedly hypermasculine ideal, you WILL "despair" UNLESS you SUBORDINATE that LESSER ideal to the HIGHEST one-- HOLINESS. If your "obsession" with "getting buff" ends up HINDERING your spiritual growth, THEN IT NEEDS TO BE TOTALLY RE-EVALUATED & PUT IN ITS PROPER PLACE as a MEANS OF VIRTUE-- discipline, temperance, endurance, persistence; AND even PRAYING/ WORSHIPPING WHILE you exercise!! IT'S THE SAME WITH EATING. Our BiaY/ CiaY routine MUST CONTINUE, and we MUST ALSO see how we can incorporate the ICC in a TIME-WISE manner. BUT DO NOT QUIT.
✳ ...The ONLY concern I have here is MINDFUL EATING & "SPLIT FOCUS." We realistically CANNOT give our FULL, COMPLETE, ATTENTIVE, COMPREHENSIVE FOCUS TO BOTH AT ONCE. We MUST admit this because IT HAS BEEN HAPPENING. Food data isn't registering because ALL our input channels are ATTUNED TO SCRIPTURE, and rightfully so! BUT THAT IS ACTUALLY "FUELING" THE EATING DISORDER BY THE SPLITTING! We CANNOT be mindful of the food AND THEREBY OFFER IT AS A SACRIFICE OF PRAISE IF WE'RE UNABLE TO GIVE THAT EFFORT OF WORSHIP OUR SINCERE & TOTAL FOCUS as well. MATTHEW 6:24 effectively. It's DISRESPECTFUL to BOTH GIFTS OF GOD, BY "PUTTING THEM INTO COMPETITION WITH EACH OTHER"!! FOOD IS NOT THE "ENEMY" OF PRAYER & WORSHIP. SO PLEASE, STOP ACTING LIKE IT "CANNOT" SERVE HIM, AS WORSHIP ON ITS OWN. BE SINGLE-HEARTED FOR GOD AS YOU ARE SINGLE-FOCUSED ON BEING FULLY IN EACH UNIQUE MOMENT OF LIFE AS ITS OWN UNIQUE PRAYER TO HIM.

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"WHAT DO I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF?" (TRUTH TO LIVE)
Others might have NEGATIVE beliefs about me ("you are a betrayer" "you don't want to improve" etc.) BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO-- AND SHOULDN'T-- INTERNALIZE THEM!! HAVE FAITH IN THE GRACE OF YOUR BAPTISM AND THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO LIVES IN YOU & ALWAYS WORKS TO SANCTIFY YOU!! When you BELIEVE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF & STRIVE TO EMBODY THEM, YOU'RE HONORING GOD!!

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WELL! Talking to a fellow patient about my "too many exchanges" mealplan anxiety, & how I'm actively obsessing & anxiously debating over "how to fix it/ TAKE BACK my decisions", I realized something. I CAN'T KEEP "PANICKING" ABOUT "MESSING UP" TO THE POINT OF OVERCOMPENSATING THROUGH "CHOOSING EVERY OPTION" (what I WAS doing on the mealplan), OR TO THE POINT OF "NOT COMMITTING TO ANYTHING," being "TOO AFRAID OF MAKING A MISTAKE." And honestly, I HATE BEING SO SPINELESS & IRRESPONSIBLE & COWARDLY. I NEED TO COMMIT TO ONE CHOICE, IN CONFIDENCE THAT I'M HONESTLY CHOOSING AS WISELY AS I AM ABLE TO AT THAT TIME, AND THEN ACCEPT HUMBLY THAT IT NEVERTHELESS MIGHT NOT BE "AS WISE AS I THOUGHT/ HOPED," BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING AND I WILL MAKE MISTAKES & REAL ERRORS IN MY JUDGMENTS. THIS IS INEVITABLE. I'M NOT GOD. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY CHOICES, AS DISAPPOINTING/ DISTRESSING AS THEY MAY BE; I MUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE LESSONS THEY DO TEACH ME IN PRUDENCE & DISCERNMENT; AND I MUST PLACE THEM ENTIRELY IN GOD'S HANDS, REALIZING THAT HE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN, AND HE CAN AND WILL TURN EVERY PAINFUL OR SCARY OR OTHERWISE UNHAPPY CONSEQUENCE OF MY CHOICES TO HIS GLORY AND MY GOOD, WHEN I SURRENDER THEM ENTIRELY TO HIS POWER IN TOTAL LOVING TRUST. And THAT is how I WILL survive until Tuesday-- on SHEER FAITH & HOPE. I MUST learn to sit with poor decisions on my part, to let the HUMBLE me & TEACH me to choose BETTER, INSTEAD of always "flipflopping" between equally NONCOMMITTED "choices." I MUST BE "OKAY" WITH MAKING MISTAKES, because I WILL, & NOT see them as "MORAL FAILURE." I must be MERCIFUL & PATIENT & COMPASSIONATE with myself, OR I WON'T be ABLE to grow in VIRTUE in RESPONSE to the mistake! I MUST OWN UP TO ALL MY DECISIONS & ONLY ALTER THEM if I realize they were VICIOUS-- & even then I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO RESCIND THEM. So I HAVE to BE SPIRITUALLY MATURE & BY GOD'S GRACE, LEARN TO LIVE WITH & LEARN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES.

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Asking Jesus "is it OK if my stomach is/ feels so stuffed/ full?" And He replied, "it's holding My Creation, for YOU to OFFER to me as WORSHIP" (BAPTISMAL PRIESTHOOD)
✳ "YOUR STOMACH IS AN ALTAR"!!!

Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

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✳ Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
✳ AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
✳ WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).

061024

Homily synchronicity = Mike & Vito

TERRIFIED of being TOUCHED
"There’s more than one kind of touch" = Jesus reassuring, heavy and hard contact

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061124
Mom pickup drive
Weeping over headspace music
"I want it back"
"is God like this?"


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061224
Christ's wounds are PART OF the GLORY of HEAVEN!!
THERE ARE HOLY SCARS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE NOT ERASED

Pop3 38:45 = "TAMING" & REDEMPTION; RELATIONSHIP CHANGES & ENNOBLES THE SOUL = ADAM'S HOUSEHOLD AS PRIEST = ALL CREATION REDEEMED IN CHRIST = THE SHEPHERD LIFTS UP THE SHEEP
13:00 = HEAVEN & UNIQUE PRAISE

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061824
ANXIETY!!!!!🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Oh my gosh I AM LEGIT IN LOVE. I have got FEELINGS.

Mom shop, just watched her trying on glasses, oddly sweet to just be there with her

Last bingepurge prep. Don't want to do this.
Realizing BOTH HEADSPACE & PRAYER SHUT OFF in this food mindset. Everything feels gauzed up and dislocated.

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062124

I just realized, all this food forcing is rapist behavior.
I'm trying to force myself into the psychic experience of others without permission or consent. I'm trying to force myself into their spaces, into their likeness, trying to "enter into" their life as my own. That's invasive. That's violent. No wonder this all ends in purging.

Boundaries must be set. Identity must be clarified and guarded in CHRIST, not in culture or ethnicity or nostalgia or grief or social curiosity or the awful loneliness born from rejection. Food is not the cure. Food is not a panacea. Only the Eucharist is.

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062924

In last night nightmares, I TURNED BACK TO HELP THE PERSON I ORIGINALLY ABANDONED
I did this THREE TIMES and it SPECIFICALLY involved my thinking of CHRIST ACTING THROUGH ME, not my own actions, HE would and could save them, NOT ME


⭐WE CAN ONLY BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS, AND MANAGE OUR DAILY LIFE WITH GRACE, IF WE ARE LIVING AS A SYSTEM!!!!!!!
WE CANNOT FUNCTION AS A SINGLET. IT'S A LIE!!!!

Remembering this throughout the day EXPLAINS SO MUCH and actually makes life LIVEABLE.
We CAN and SHOULD be SWITCHING to HELP & PROTECT & HEAL EACH OTHER, as MEMBERS OF ONE WHOLE!!!!