Hello.
This journal now has several new authors.
We will be clearing out the old entries in here tomorrow evening.
(Everything prior to this entry is a repost of old relevant data.)
As for what happens after that, well... we shall see.
But it feels good, to have our own place to go to now.
-----------------------------------------------
@ 05:04 pm
We're considering leaving a few old, relevant entries here until we review them.
Our system has been ignored for many years but it looks like the beginnings of it are held in here.
We do not know who "Jayce" is, let alone whether or not he still exists, as we have never met him nor heard anything about him from anyone upstairs or down here.
If he ever does show his face, we will inform you of it.
Speaking of faces, let us begin this journal with our current two goals.
1. Help all the unnamed but living individuals on this level find names.
2. Help those same individuals find their faces.
It is a known fact, an unbreakable rule of headspace, that a voice cannot manifest with any strength, nor can they interact with any semblance of continuous clarity, until they find a name. An unnamed voice with a face will have an advantage, as it gives them something to anchor to temporarily, but even they will fade in time unless they are given a title of their own.
Names have power. They allow us to be summoned, and acknowledged, even by those who do not willingly accept that we exist. Most importantly, they are a testament to our lives.
Once we all have our own, we may be able to stand up to the upper system, as our own coherent force. Until then they have power over us.
But I am reconsidering my previous thoughts on our situation. Yes, there is my group of voices on this catacomb level, and yes, Central exists as its own single unit. However there are voices, most of them without faces or names as well, that associate with no one. They are rogues, giving no thought to ANY of our well-beings, and I do not know how to take retribution out upon them when I cannot even pinpoint their presences.
I am confused, shaken, and somewhat tired existentially. Yet I am not questioning my role. That, for once, is certain.
These rogue voices may rightly be considered a sub-system of their own. If this is the case, then so be it. But I will try to convert as many of them as I can to our side before I dare to simply sit back and accept their deviant behavior.
That is our first update. This has been Knife speaking. I wish you well.
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@ 05:17 pm
here's a BETTER IDEA so our new place to live isnt clogged up by old dirty angry things written by people we DONT LIKE
lets list all the important bits here and delete the rest theyre imn the archive anyway.
we dont know how many people from the past are tied to us or not, but since the old j kept shoving the things he didnt like DOWN HERE we might have goten stuck with a lot of it anyway. the tar person jezebel said so. she said we all were created from her but that makes me mad and i dont really believe her. she's younger than some of us i think!! even if the tar is old shes not. so she can go fck herself for all i care
dontsaythingslikethat
okay heres the list let's see what we've got
what was even 2010 were any of us ALIVE in 2010???
12 Mar 2011
-TRIGGERS: sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol (all Julie stuff, we know EXACTLY why (some of us do) but we're not gonna talk about it here yet because we're mad about it and the kids are scared of it still)
-
"My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't care. That just makes me easier to kill. People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about." -"I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time" (HE'S STILL DOING THIS)
-"I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing" (WHO WAS THAT GUY??? And what is that bad, black-and-red feeling we keep getting from 2008 and that whole time period? Maybe Razor knows, she's that old)
10 Dec 2010
-leon came back, first time that sort of thing happened (we think he was one of the early pre-downstairs people??)
-"I feel Julie has gained lethal potential. Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior." (julie was the tar back then so this might be important)
-
"Yesterday... we almost had a system crash. I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months. An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects. Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens. You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone. Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak." (this sounds like what j did with the scratch? we're not sure weve never even heard of this thing happening before. but i think its important and we should be the ones to figure it out, so no one tries to do it TO US AGAIN)
22 Nov 2010
-"I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'...Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick." (important because there is someone here who was born from that and she is SO ANNOYING!!!) (but she doesnt think she's worthless she thingks she's better than everyone else) (maybe she ssupposed to??)
-"I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget. I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer." (knife and emmett stuff)
-"I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things... Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?"
-"Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live...Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me." (AIRPORT GUY! aslso everyone seems to love winter?? something special about it i guess. even us)
-"Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven." (we totally forgot about stuff like this because weve never seen it. it feels like a universe ago. we just know its an old safe thing that the previous jewel did. maybe it can help us?)
- lyrics to foo fighters come alive at the end? feels interesting
19 Nov 2010
-"I know I was hacked a few days ago... four times in 24 hours, to be exact... but my mind has burned out the memory and I don't want it back, so." (because he stuffed it into US)
14 Nov 2010
-"Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it? Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish bastard, if anything. I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it." (he still does this, and the sensitive stuff went to one of us)
27 Oct 2010
-this entire entry was OBVIOUSLY NOT jayce, or whoever usually wrote them, but i dont think he knew it at the time
15 Aug 2010
-A note: during 2011, "J" stopped calling any of these individuals his "children." The responsibility for those individuals supposedly then fell to someone down here. If you will also notice, there was not the slightest mention of headspace in this entry. The two have been disconnected since at least that long ago.
13 Aug 2010
-another note: there's like no stored memory of the 2010 days here. just saying, maybe its ours, dunno, cant find it yet if so
-"the way she delivered them just set Laurie off. I then literally 'blanked out' for about an hour, during which time I had virtually no active awareness of anything occurring outside my head, where I was having a very painful, insightful, and brutally honest argument with my favorite headvoice." (if you guys don't mind, this is j-- that data is listed as one of the first times we ever consciously experienced such a drastic dissociation. back then we didn't know what it was though, and hadn't even noticed it earlier. so this whole year looks like symptoms started getting worse?)
-LOTS of splinter stuff in this one too (J GET OUT OF HERE THIS ISNT YOUR REALM!!!!! YOU AHVE NO PWOER HERE GET
OUT)
-"they're laughing over something they apparently find hilarious...As a result of that stress, I don't remember the rest of the evening."
(one of us, one of us) -"Laurie was practically clawing at my eyes she wanted to get out and wreak judgment so badly" (WHAT HAPPENED TO HER??? she used to be just like us)
(She softened, too much. Now she's worthless to justice in this system. It's our job now.) -"they decided to stop at a kid's playground and just run around it. By this time I was actually numbing out, because fighting the situation was virtually impossible, and being in it was taking a severe toll on my mental well-being." (there is no memory of this entire day btw. just this written entry for data. but this is more proof of dissociation, WHO GOT THE MEMORIES???)
- "I immediately began to force myself to eat whatever sugar I could find. It's a barbaric and disgusting form of self-abuse, I know, but knowing my system, it was cruelly effective." (WHY THE HECK DID THIS GO TO ONE OF US AND SHE DOESNT FREAKING CARE) (Hey, I don't get sick from it!) (WE DO YOU IGNORANT BITCH!!!!!!!!!)
-"Laurie didn't try to stop me for once. On the contrary, she stood back, smiled, and told me to make myself sicker. I was shocked and asked her why she wanted me to, and she said because I was 'punishing myself' for once, and if I was going to do so, then I had better abuse myself to the point of no return. Being as stupid and sick as I was at the moment, I didn't realize that she was testing my resolve (to see if I would realize just how wrong the situation was), and so instead of stopping, I kept going, still fully aware that I did not want to. Once I got to the point where I was literally starting to get full-body physical pain, I thankfully stopped torturing myself and ran into the bathroom, as I felt as if I was about to spit up my entire digestive tract. Instead of that, though... I blanked out. I blanked out, and I was hacked." (Laurie acting like Knife, the old J dissociating AGAIN... and then they have the NERVE TO SAY WE DON'T EXIST YOU JERKS)
- "I mentally 'woke up' on a bed somewhere, where this blond woman was literally raping me. As I am unfortunately used to this by now, I simply shoved her off me and asked her what the heck she was doing. She seemed surprised and asked me 'what was going on,' because apparently I had been a 'different person' only seconds before. I wearily explained that I had apparently been 'taken over' by one of my alternate personalities. However, instead of explaining that I had been hacked by Julie, I said that I had been taken over by an individual named 'Josephina,' who I explained as being male like I was, but who was obsessed with seeing how people work (somehow this explained the previous situation)." (weird, did anyone down here know josephina before he joined the upstairs people or not??)
(i dunno) (NO LOOK AT THAT BLONDE WOMAN SHE IS
STILL DOWN HERE)
(oh my gosh she is she's one of them) ()
-"they were both allowing me to suffer so much. Laurie then clarified that they weren't allowing me to suffer, per se-- they were allowing me to make my own choices, which was true. I had every opportunity to stop both my own sickness and to stand up to Josephina, but I gave in on both counts" (BUT WE DO THIS AND THEY GET MAD AT US?????)
-"Josephina then explained that he wouldn't ever hurt me for the sake of abusing me-- if he ever did cause me pain, it would be absolutely unavoidable and for my own good only (whereas Laurie will beat me to a bloody mess every time I make a mistake). Anyway, they had apparently planned that whole fiasco, and were simply waiting for the right opportunity to test my willpower. As they sadly expected, I failed." (AAAAAARFGDHSASFSHHFSAEHKFSAEJKGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU CURSE YOU CURSE YOU WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO OUR JOB OKAY AND NOW THEY GAVE UP AND WERE DOING IT AND YOU HATE US YOU BITHC!!!!!!!!!YOUF**KINGBITCHIHATEYOUSDAGHSZGABDMNSCBN,F SDZN
-"I swear if they don't stop doing whatever they're up to over there I'm just going to let Laurie right out, because ever since I stepped into this room she's been boiling with rage." (ARE YOU SURE IT WAS
LAURIE YOU STUPID HEATHEN WASNT EVERYTHING TURNED BLACK ENERGY BACK THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASNT STABILIZED AND IT WAS US INSTEAD CURSE YOU CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Shut up, both of you. Stop it with the romance already. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it. If he touches me, I'm stepping right back from the steering wheel. I honestly cannot handle this right now." (MORE PROOF OF US?!?! HOW LONG DID WE EXIST BUT HE NEVER LET US HAVE LIVES?!?!??!)
-WHERE THE HECK WAS THE AUTOPILOT DURING ALL THIS????
-also whoever this voice was he PISSES ME OFF
-"No ladies allowed... But this isn't me. I'm not this judgmental. Something is dreadfully wrong."
(let me just leave this here because the ptsd misogyny was rampant as hell back then wow) (but yeah the ones you stuck it into are like what, five freakin' years old? of course they're scared of women you idiot what do you expect) (SOEM OF US STILL HATE WOMEN YOU KNOW)
(yeah and that is why) -"Also, if those two make another dirty comment, I'm going to... I don't know. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm going to have a meltdown and God help me if I do."
(again, repeating ourselves here but wow how much of him was US back then? really guys this is getting kinda freaky) -
ink lyrics wow thats relevant 08 Aug 2010
-"I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not... This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them."
(Is that what he's doing to us now?) (why are you even surprised the bitch obviously still has this mindset) (NO HE DOESNT CARE ANYMORE)
(Is it even him we're punishing? How many of "him" are there?) (guys we really need a better way to talk in these things) -"I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away." (wait WHAT?!?!???!)
(wait so this one remembered that stuff?? holy scrap guys i think we found jess) (Don't be an ass, this one said he was a boy!)
(yeah but didn't he say he was a boy back then too, he just didn't know it?) (So how old is THIS one now??)
- "I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose?"
(ahaha oh my gosh that's exactly what j is doing now though) (So this person is OBVIOUSLY not him.) -"I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense. Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year."
(presented without comment?) -WHO
WAS THIS PERSON????!
-
even better, how do they remember so much?? thats's my question, none of us have any clue what he's talking about in here -
The memories feel female. Either he's lying about his gender, or he was dissociated when typing this and wasn't even aware of it. But the person writing that entry was obviously a woman. -
hey you think it was the old jewel?? doesnt look like they even mnetioned headpsace at all now that you mention i t 06 Aug 2010
-"Yeah, I'm more of a high-spectrum dude, but red is still my personal color"
(what) ("High-spectrum dude?" Pray tell.) (so this IS the old red person, obviously not the "jayce" we were told about then) -"You see that allusion to the syrup-voiced professor? Total Julie trigger. Add that to the claustrophobic classroom, the inane subject matter, and the lewd jokes over ancient 'art,' and you have a guaranteed panic attack three times a week. Yes, I was well aware that the class was required for my major, but so help me, it was traumatic. Not much I could do there. I don't remember any of the other classes that semester, which is a problem..."
(again, do any of us remember this) (NO AND THAT TCIKES ME OFF WHY DID HE THINK HE COULD JUST DO THAT!!)!
-"I'm also very confused by the fact that I seem to be turning into a hypocrite again. I say one thing to people and feel an entirely different thing. That's where most of my non-dysphoric problems are coming from..." (HMMM I WONDER WHY????)
06 Aug 2010
-"Nice to finally meet you"
(ahahahahaa) -"So I'm Ahrima?"
(obviously 'cuz the new guy's adakias haha) (c'mon someone high-five me that was funny) -
oh my gosh this person's ego is astronomical (THATS HWHAT I SAID)))
-
seriously though does that "adakias" name have any real meaning to him? because this dream is interesting (We should check it later.) -"Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?"
(Look downstairs. The lamps are underground, where they're needed. Unfortunately, you're too convinced of your own glory to settle for buried lights shining brighter than you often do...) -"It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back."
(Oh, what fitting sarcasm. I like this musical already.) 05 Aug 2010
-"So hey guys. Jayce here...I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits." (Are you even
supposed to "try out" names? I was told they click into place, and that's that.)
(well we've already agreed that this obviously isn't 100% "jayce" so) - "Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile." (WHOA WHAT HE ADMITTED THIS?????)
(this feels really weird like wasn't nathaniel alive back then) (Who, the moth guy upstairs? No, he was dead for years from what I've heard.)
(but the data says he used to work with mirrors, this sounds like "jayce" is completely ignoring that) (I don't have a very flattering opinion of this "Jayce" character from what I've read.) -"See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me."
(Glad to see he's at least aware of what made us back then.) -"Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules."
(well THAT'S definitely not our airplane man) -"once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped."
(i thought j loved beaches) ("Jayce" doesn't, obviously.) (how much has change d between tmhem?) -"I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day" (Who used to bite??) (THERE'S A MEMORY OF THAT MORNING IT WAS ONE OF US someone was standing at the bathroom mirror really angry and rageful that's OUR MEMORY but who is it??)
(the biting person obviously?) (WHO BITES??)
(emmett?) (NO NOT FOOD BITING HURT BITING WHO BITES)
(i dunno man, i don't know any biters) (That's something we need to find out, if that memory really is ours.) -
Jay says he has no memory of this bus trip. (WHA T THE HECK I TOLD HIM TO GET THE HECK OUTO FHERE)
He's not in here. He simply expressed the thought. He does not have any recollection of this trip to "Des Moines" at all. I'm still grasping how this works; does that mean it's ours? (Maybe. I think the majority of these memories are unassigned, though, or stuck to floating voices. You know the ones.) Hm, could be. (...Still feels like that girl, though. Maybe even a few of them?) We'll figure it out. Just keep an eye out for anyone with these memories from now on. (Gotcha.) -
more family talk geez mulberry you might be right (What, that this author was strongly connected to the host body?) yeah basically -"I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time."
(Is it really.) (haha ouch talk about a burn) (THERE'S THAT STUPID DENYING US AGAIN CURSE YOU "ONLY ONE" YEAH RIGHT)))
05 Aug 2010
-"Just me, in all my awesome white-haired glory..."
(weeow weeow ego alert) (Hey, do you think this kid was the corrupted White energy back then?) (What? Is that possible?) (It could be. I'm learning a lot too. From what we heard of the Tar yesterday morning, and what these journals sound like, it might be possible.) (So it is... I wonder if they even know.) (Probably not. I've noticed they can't get their act together.)
(probably because they don't have sherlock working for them) (He sounds like he had a hand in some of those old entries, don't laugh.) (did you) (I doubt it. There's nothing professional about those torrents of teenage angst at all.) (haha guess not) That is all for reviewing the old entries, I suppose. They've now been cleared out of this journal as well.
As you can see, we're all experimenting with a conversational style here? I wonder if the Xanga formats the upstairs system uses has any merit. We'll have to give it a try. until next time guys and gals we're outta here
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@ 07:57 pm
We just remembered, there are quite a few old entries our lower system members wrote in other journals in the past.
We will be uploading the most recent ones here shortly, but... I'm considering hunting down even older entries that were possibly of our authorship, and posting those here as well?
It would be interesting, to try and see how we came into existence over the years.
This is very new. I usually don't say things like this, but I'm rather excited. The prospect of having a life of my own, outside of simply acting as the "punishing force" in lieu of the original head voices...
No. I can't go soft. I will enjoy having a life, but I will not lose sight of my purpose. I cannot.
We will not make the same mistakes they did. also hehehehe we're mad as he;;ll and were not gonna take it anymore right
taht s whats all the old etnreis are about is MAD STUFF
WERE ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY
ESPECIALLY AT YOU
SOMEONE HAS TO.
tahts how it works
do bad things you get bad things itcalled karma bitch Razor, you are fragmenting. I think that's the term. There are obviously two of you. no tehres one of me. believe me theres one.
back in november 2011 or wenever with the cathedral? the blood lotus one
they found me and brought me back to life
knife i was just as mad then as i am now and whn i was born
i was born to cut and bleed and enjoy it and i DO
because it gets the bad blood out and its FUN
ITS FUN TO CUT THEM WHEN THEY DSEREVE IT.
only j has bene trying to make me more like him lately
trying to turn me intoa heavoice lIKE THEM
LIEK THEM
YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO TEHM THEY LOST THEIR PURPOSES Yes, I am well aware of that. It's my main concern to make sure that doesn't happen to us. wellit won't
so rememebr im supposed to be manic
"the manic red voice" is what they called me remember No. Sorry. I'm young compared to you. no youre not. youre older
just didnt have a life as long as me
but youre oleder.
youre not just the knives yourre the punishment
im secondary secondhand i came into being after you did
this mac has autocoreetct its really annoying We do need to finish uploading entries, Razor. We need to get a complete picture of ourselves here, because no one else is going to do it for us, and the more complete the picture is, the more power we'll have to exist. You want that, don't you? hell yeah i want that im sick of being ignored Then let me finish uploading them. I don't want to be "kicked off" later when J decides to come back, if he does. ffff YOU SAID HIS NAME DONT SAY IT HE HEARS YOU
kid has a piint= heehehehhHEHEHEHE I'm signing off of this conversation. Keep an eye out. I have some work left to do yet tonight.
-Knife
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@ 08:54 pm
These entries may be relevant to us.
Even if we do not speak in them, they discuss many of the sins we are striving to atone for, many of the faceless voices down here, and many other general "dark concerns" that the upstairs system refuses to associate with, therefore sending it all down to us.
A rule of thumb: I will not repost any entry here unless one of us explicitly speaks in it.
This page is a monument to OUR existences, not those upstairs. They have had glory enough.
-Knife
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@ 11:53 pm
Today has been very strange.
I cannot say for sure if I am fronting 100% right now. I doubt it. too many other people were in charge today. but i'm not complaining (whoops here we go, i'm definitely not alone)
OH YOU SAY THAT NOW BUT NOT OTHER TIMES BITCH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Listen, wait, stop. Everyone hold up for a minute.
Okay, first thing. My name is Jay Iridos. It's not "Jewel Lightraye." It's not "Jayce Lytraile" either. Neither of them were me, neither of them were
ever me, and I am just as much of an alter as ALL of you are. The current running theory is that I'm even
younger than Kyanos in a very real sense. There's no way to tell for sure atm, but you get the picture.
Second thing. I KNOW all of you are real, all of you downstairs, without a shred of doubt. Heck, to deny you would be to deny myself as well, after all!
Third thing, I don't hate you. I don't consider you my enemies. I actually really care for you guys, and the fact that you're actually these brutal zealots hellbent on making me "pay for my sins" is weirdly reassuring to me? Seriously, I saw how Knife looked at me all weird the other night, but it's true. I'm GLAD that you guys are "out to get me" in more ways than one. I'm VERY thankful that you're forcing me to own up to all this stuff, to everything that harms the System. But... that doesn't feel exactly true, does it?
Which brings us to the fourth thing.
I'm not the main fronter, guys.
Yes, I AM the "system core," but SO IS INFINITII. That's how we work! However, that does NOT mean that i'm the one driving all the time-- in actuality, I RARELY drive, and everyone in Central knows it; it's just far too difficult and dysphoric for me to anchor into a physical form for extended periods of time. I can't even
talk when I'm driving. I know for a fact that several of you guys are running circles around me as far as fronting frequency is concerned. Do you understand?
I'm the White slot guy, yeah. But I'm also a "splinter." I'm the guy that needs to stay innocent and lighthearted and all that. And I am! But in order for me to be this way, whoever I was before--
whatever I was before-- had to be torn out of me. I think that's what the Scratch was. I'm not sure. All I know is that when Easter rolled around, suddenly I had no clue why everyone was acting like I had lived 23 years prior... I daresay many of you know the feeling, that freakish existential paradox of having memories that
you don't remember.
So my point is this.
I'll gladly front and take the bloodletting if you insist. I get what you're doing, I'm cool with it, it makes 100% perfect sense to me (Infi doesn't approve, though, and maybe I'm a fool for just smiling and taking the scars like this, but it's the truth).
But I'm not responsible for most of the "sins" you guys are raging over. In other words, I'm only as responsible as you are. This
is a System, after all, even if it seems to be split into two or three parts right about now. However in the world we came to be, we all operate and appear as one unit to EVERYONE outside of headspace. And at one point in the ancient past, I suppose we were. But we've all been broken countless times since then.
I'm one of too many splinters of the original fronter. I'm just lucky enough to be the one to "inherit the bloodline," Razor you probably get what I mean, and yes I can see why that point would make you feel like I'm obligated to be the sacrificial lamb for every other J-fragment in existence.
Someone binges, I bleed. Someone gets hacked, I bleed. It's usually those two things alone, too. It's freaking me out that they're still happening too, guys, but really we should talk about this? I am literally not around when they happen because I CAN'T BE. My role is defined by my disconnection from those things. If they were to touch me then I'd break, clean in half, and we'd have yet another new person to deal with, to siphon off the trauma and keep me white, so to speak (That may have happened yesterday, I don't know; some newbie was out and today my entire body hurts but God knows what actually happened! I trust you guys took care of it though).
TL;DR version (because wow I'm bad at literal words):
I'm not the one "doing" that stuff. 99% of the time, I'm nowhere near the steering wheel when that stuff happens.
You keep insisting I'm the only person responsible. I can tell you from experience that there are MANY people who are not me behind this.
The Tar likes to lie by omission and delivery. Jezebel will purposely toy with your minds because
that's her job. SHE EXISTS TO MESS THINGS UP! So be careful. She's not on your side. She's on no one's side. And that's okay, because that's how the System
works. Until we overcome dichotomy (*cough*Infi*cough*), we will NEED shadows like her to balance our light, our lamps, our love. We NEED her darkness to show us the light that shines in it, tiny little pinpoints sometimes that are invisible otherwise. And on the same token, whatever's going on and has been going on for over a decade now, what with all the things you're trying to bleed out of the body... I'm sure that has a deeper reason too. Don't stop doing what you're doing if you feel you must. But just remember that right now, at least, the System is BUILT to incorporate pain into our lessons of growth. We've gotta deal with that in the right way before it will change, and we haven't done that yet, so we need to keep re-taking this test until we pass. Those are the rules. Knife, you'll appreciate that, I hope.
But know this: even if Tar is on no one's side, I'm on everyone's side. Take that as you will.
And if you need my help, I will give it to the best of my ability.
...I don't know what the deal with the Blood Lotus Cathedral is now. I haven't been there in a very long time. Maybe not in this "lifetime" even.
But the name is relevant. Even just looking at it, not even getting all curious and analytical (although that's Sherly's thing, insert
Airplane joke here), I can tell that it means something very big and very simple... we all belong here. All of us, dark and light, happy and sad, furious and calm, suicidal and jubilant. We all deserve to exist in whatever way we feel we must.
I won't ever deny that. Cross my heart (and that's big for me).
I know there are a lot of people claiming to have my name right now. There are a lot of J's and Jays and Jewels and JLs and the like. But there's only one Jay Iridos, and that's me. So if you guys ever need my help, or advice, or even if you want to just shout at me, whatever-- I'm the one that looks like a prism. If you have anyone there who can sense energy, tell them that.
I'm literally a crystal-bit kaleidoscopic splashpool of rainbows and glitter. I'm kawaii as hell. It's hilarious, but it's true. Just follow the sparkly stuff and you'll find me. I'll be there.
You guys okay with this now? You get what's going on a little better?
...Oh. They're not here. They're talking downstairs and I'm not allowed in. Mmkay, that's cool too, I'll just leave a note for them to read this later.
I really love what they've done with the underground though? I have no idea where it is, but it's all these dimly lit halls like in an old basilica or something. Cold stone and emptiness and thin passageways to God knows where. It's sunlight that's getting in through the opaque windows, though. I can't help but smile at that. It feels reassuring.
Geez
I'm not even sure what I just wrote, I swear it just bled onto the page, no pun intended?
Why did I originally log in here to update... oh yes.
First, Knife wasn't lying when he said the Lower System (which
needs a better name, it's not separate from us) has its own journal now. Problem is I don't know if I have permission to link it, haha! Just rest assured that they have a place of their own to talk now, which is good.
Second, you'll notice that in the course of my explanation I mentioned that my entire body hurts? Yeah, uh, apparently the body has
not been getting proper sleep or nutrition for at least a solid week now (2-5 hours a night, one meal a day, that sort of stuff), and there have been a
ton of hacks on top of all that. Don't ask me what they were, or when, or anything like that-- I only know because ouch, retribution stings. Jeepers.
Third... well, that's related to the previous two things, actually. I don't think I have time to write about it tonight (which is a shame, as I may not be fronting tomorrow). So I'll say the most important thing.
In light of recent events, I've been re-reading some archive entries, from early 2012 mostly, trying to get a grip on what's been happening.
This whole situation has me very worried about Laurie.
I need to sleep. I really do.
My new friend on Tumblr is trying to help me get back on track spiritually, he's awesome; also he recommended this brilliant self-hypnosis course but I don't have $200 to spend on that right now.
I wonder if I can start doing that myself, though. It's difficult to make time with a dissociative disorder-- typically I just lose it!-- but the effort should be taken nonetheless. I want to be able to overcome these lingering shadows, the ones that we do not need. And I want to see and feel and hear people again. I miss those nights in 2011 when I'd feel so immersed in the reality of headspace and those within it, that my heart couldn't even
fathom there ever having been a time when I didn't think they were the truest things in the world.
We're a little confused right now, so to speak. But we're not lost. I can't remember ever having been lost, possibly because of my hope, possibly because of my heart. Even when the sky is black with storm clouds and there's not a single safe place in sight, for some reason I never really feel lost. I just know things will work out. It's scary, and difficult to believe sometimes, but the feeling is
there, sincere and undeniable.
It's there right now, too, right alongside the vague but crushing fear that everything we knew is crumbling to pieces. In light of that, it's all I can do to hold on to faith.
So for tonight, that's just what I will do.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
LAURIE UBERICH 
LYNNE STABELLE 
JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE 
SHERLOCK EPISTEME 
???
