01. 02. 25

Jan. 3rd, 2025 02:24 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(uncensored. we're not sure who wrote it but we're leaving it unedited for their sake.)





I AM GOING TO FUCKING MURDER THE EATING DISORDER SOMAFONI
LISTEN WE LOST TEN FUCKING HOURS TODAY TO THEIR BULLSHIT

and you know what the scariest thing is?

NO ONE CAN ACCESS THE DATA.
IT'S SHEER TRAUMA DATA.
LITERALLY NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO EVEN LOOK AT IT THAT'S HOW HORRIFIC THIS REGISTERS.

Julie even said what they're doing is LITERAL, EXPLICIT ABUSE FORCING.
WHAT THE HELL
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON HERE

we thought they were just... acting on starvation triggers. thanks to tbhu & upmc fallout, the force-feeding trauma there.
but NO
APPARENTLY IT'S WORSE,
THE MAIN DAMN REASON THIS EATING DISORDER KEEPS COMING BACK IS BECAUSE, AS TODAY PROVED QUITE HORRIFICALLY, IT IS A LITERAL TRAUMATIC EVENT.
AND OUR BRAIN KEEPS TRYING TO PERPETUATE TRAUMA.

WHY?????!?!??!?!

WHAT THE HELL GUYS
WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS END UP FORCING US INTO SITUATIONS THAT MAKE THE TRAUMA WORSE
OR FORCE US TO EXPLICITLY RELIVE PAST TRAUMA
WHY CAN'T WE HEAL OR LET GO
WHY DO WE ALWAYS SEEM TO "NEED" MORE BLOOD AND SCREAMING AND PAIN AND NIGHTMARES AND EXISTENTIAL TERROR AND WANTING TO FUCKING DIE

SOMEONE LITERALLY CONSIDERED FORCING HACKS LAST WEEK.
I AM FUCKING SERIOUS

THAT IS INSANITY
and yet, there it was,
literally they were thinking "maybe THIS will stop the eating disorder relapses" but WHY WOULD IT??
BECAUSE IT'S TRAUMATIC. BECAUSE IT'S HORRIFYING AND IT MAKES US WANT TO DIE.
THE BULIMIC HELLS DO THE SAME DAMN THING.
except hacks don't drain our bank account.
BULL SHIT THAT'S NOT A VALID REASON TO SHIFT THE DAMN ABUSE METHOD
we're so damn tired though. it's literally not even about food. it's about abuse
IT'S ABOUT DESTRUCTION TOO. WE'VE NOTICED THIS. THE FOOD AND THE MONEY AND THE BODY. THE E.D. IS ALL ABOUT DESTROYING THINGS. IT'S SO FUCKING VIOLENT IT'S HONESTLY TERRIFYING
do you think it would stop if we.... you know, if we let the retributors or someone go back to just bloodying up the body
GOOD LUCK GETTING KNIFE TO PICK UP HIS NAMESAKE FOR THAT PURPOSE AGAIN. OR RAZOR. THEY DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT TIME PERIOD. THEY HAVE TRAUMA TOO I BET.
yeah but there's gotta be someone who is still willing and able to slice us up, who's been doing the atonement lately?
I DON'T KNOW ACTUALLY. CANNON BLOODLINE CORE I THINK.
really? well there you go, give her a blade and let her go to work
YOU REALLY THINK THAT WILL STOP THE BULIMIC SOMAFONI.
esthiofoni
YEAH BUT I'M FOCUSED ON THE DESTRUCTIVE ASPECT ARE WE TAKING THAT INTO ACCOUNT?
you're right it's not even eating half the time. most of the time
ALL OF THE TIME. IT'S EITHER ANNIHILATION OR ABUSE
good point
SO ARE THEY STILL "ESTHIOS" OR DO WE NEED NEW JARGON.
we'll have to ask the kardis, only they can make that call
ANYWAY I'M JUST GONNA CALL THEM ABUSERS. BITCHES. DEVILS. THAT'S WHAT THEY REALLY ARE
are they? if they're foni then there's a real solid chance they might not actually be evil
...THAT'S TRUE.
like why are they forcing THEMSELVES to relive traumatic events via food.
IT'S POISON HALF THE TIME
all of the time. suicidal too
OH I KNOW IT'S TERRIFYING. LITERAL DEATH RISK FROM WHAT THEY'RE MAKING THE BODY EAT. FUCKING TERRIFYING.
that's the whole point. oh shit that's the point
WHAT?
suicide. do you think maybe they just want the body to die
WOULD THAT REQUIRE FORCING IT TO RELIVE RAPE EVENTS.
that would merit suicide, so maybe.
DEAR GOD IT'S ALL JUST TRAUMA PROCESSING AFTER ALL, CENTRAL WAS RIGHT
how the hell is forcing trauma going to help us process it.
ASK THAT QUESTION OF THE SAME DAMN PEOPLE WATCHING SHIT ONLINE LATELY
oh. good point.
FOR SOME REASON THERE IS A TREND OF "US" JUST... NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP EXPOSING OUR EXISTENCE TO HELLS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. MAKING THINGS WORSE. UNABLE TO LET GO AND BE HAPPY.
happiness is labeled as a crime i've heard
WHY
we're slipping
I CAN FEEL IT. I GUESS THIS ISN'T OUR TOPIC TO DISCUSS
note it for someone else

HOW DO WE STOP THIS.
can we? isn't that Central's job?
THAT CANNON-CORE HAS BEEN MAD AT GOD LATELY. BECAUSE OF THIS. WANTING HIM TO STOP IT AND HE WON'T.
apparently there's something we need to learn from it then
SARCASM.
no just bitter. i can empathize with the anger. it's fear and confusion i'm sure. that's the natural response to this.
THE HACKS WERE LIKE THAT TOO I'VE HEARD
oh i bet. "god please make it stop" and it takes what, ten fucking years?
I DON'T KNOW
but shit i guess things worked out somehow. i don't know.
JULIE'S ON OUR SIDE. SO THEY DID.
true
BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING REDEMPTIVE ABOUT LETTING THIS EATING DISORDER CONTINUE BECAUSE IT IS LITERALLY MURDERING US.
i know it's bullshit but if it really is tied into this trauma perpetuation thing maybe this is... i dunno maybe that's "why" God hasn't stopped it yet.
WHAT, LIKE IT HAD TO GET THIS BAD AGAIN BEFORE WE'D REALIZE WHAT'S BEHIND IT?
possibly. i mean tbhu apparently taught us a lot? i don't know but there's a whole tablet full of stuff they apparently learned.
LIKE WHAT
dude i have no clue i don't have that data, i don't know who does
THE TABLET DOES
well then once they upload it we all will. but that's off topic, the point is that apparently this STOPPED for eight solid weeks. somehow. and someone else was in charge. but it fell apart at the end.
THE FAMILY MADE IT RELAPSE IMMEDIATELY
shit i forgot about the family
AND THAT DAMNED HOUSE. THAT DAMNED TRAUMA SINKHOLE OF A HOUSE
do you think that's playing into this trauma forcing thing??
SHIT MAYBE. OH HELL THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE
don't we fucking shift every time we're up there? like who the hell even fronts in that environment? with the mother?
I DON'T THINK WE EVEN KNOW
and they're abusive
THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE, THEY'RE CUT OFF FROM THE REST OF US
but do they have trauma memories? no, obviously not, they're a social. so... are they just there as a buffer? or something?
ACTING ON THE TRAUMA WITHOUT FEELING IT THEMSELVES?
yeah. like... oh shit i just got data?
WHAT?
someone said it's "like a drug high." like the e.d. behavior with the mother is literally to numb the brain with panic? and terror?
THAT'S IRONIC. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK.
because the trauma makes consciousness shut down
OH. SHIT.
like someone did at cnc. and slc. the only "drug" we had apparently. the only abuse method and suicide analogue we had as well.
NO I KNOW FOR A FACT THERE WERE REAL ATTEMPTS IN BOTH THOSE LOCATIONS.
true. but the e.d. was tied to that. like it was killing ourself without killing ourself.
AND THIS WAS ALL BECAUSE OF THE TRAUMA?
just like with the mother. the situations are all way too similar apparently
SO WE STILL WANT TO DIE?
no. someone does, on the somafoni level apparently. physical. acting on body memories i guess
WE'RE SLIPPING REALLY BAD
i know we're even getting information on this that's insane
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP BEFORE WE LOSE OUR SENSES OF SELF TOO
yeah we don't have much of those to begin with. but at least we wrote stuff down for people, high five
HECK YEAH
at least we're still alive
ALL OF US?
yeah. the e.d. and the trauma haven't killed us yet
THERE IS NO "YET" THERE. THEY DON'T GET THE RIGHT TO KILL US. ANY OF US.
they tried. they succeeded in some cases
BULL SHIT. YOU THINK THE CORES WILL LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THAT?
haha no. you're right. jay fights like hell against hell.
HE DOES. SO DO THE JEWELS AND CANNONS. ALL THE KARDIFONI DO. THAT'S THEIR JOB. LOVE AND LIFE.
they're probably so pissed at these eating disorder people
NO THEY'RE HEARTBROKEN MOSTLY.
really?
YEAH, DUH. NO SOMAFONI WOULD DO THAT UNLESS THEY WERE DEVASTATINGLY BROKEN
so even you swearing up the wall at them, you recognize that?
I CAN ADMIT IT MAKES SENSE. I MEAN YOU DON'T DO THAT SHIT UNLESS YOU'RE SCREWED UP BAD. BUT I'M STILL PISSED AS HELL AT THEM ALL. AND I'D KILL 'EM IF I COULD. BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT'S NOT SMART OR POSSIBLE. UNFORTUNATELY.
yeah murdering foni never ends well. historically. for anyone.
GOOD POINT. IF THERE'S A STUPID DAMN REASON WHY THEY'RE DOING THIS THEN SOMEONE ELSE WOULD TAKE THEIR PLACE.
...do you want to test that
SHIT YES I DO. BUT LIKE I SAID, DON'T KNOW IF IT'S POSSIBLE.
why
I DON'T HAVE A BODY, DO I? AND I'M NOT ON THEIR LEVEL EITHER. PLUS THEY DON'T HAVE INTERNAL FORMS. THEY'RE IN THE BODY. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KILL A SOMAFONI.
they're doing a pretty damn good job of that themselves
THAT'S EXACTLY MY POINT. SADLY. AND ANGRILY, KILLING US IN THE PROCESS.
do they even realize that?
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, PROBABLY NOT, THEY THINK LIKE SINGLETS
some of them do
THE WORST OF THEM DO.
i've heard that some of them are aware of the System at large though. and talk to Central. like Julie was apparently helping one of them today
YEAH BECAUSE THE TRAUMA TRIGGERED HER OUT WHICH IS FUCKING INSANE.
...still, it shows that there's hope there, i guess.
YEAH YOU'RE RIGHT. IF JULIE HADN'T SHOWED UP AND INSISTED THAT THEY STOP DOING WHAT THEY WERE DOING, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY WOULD HAVE DONE
no kidding. jeez. that's a scary thought. it could've been worse
YEAH JUST LOOK AT THE OLD DAYS DATA. "TILLY" DAYS. SHE WAS FUCKING NUTS.
she was a thriskefoni, how the hell was she perpetuating the eating disorder?
I DUNNO, MAYBE SHE WASN'T, I'M SURE THERE WERE ESTHIOS IN THE WORKS THERE TOO, BUT TILLY DIDN'T HELP AT ALL
i know nothing about her
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I'M TELLING YOU. BARE BONES DATA. BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.
who the hell was responsible for e.d. behavior in cnc btw? does anybody know?
ZUCCH? JASON? THOSE ARE THE NAMES I'M GETTING. TAUREIA? A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
geez i know nothing about that
NEITHER DO I. NO ONE HAS LOOKED AT THE DATA IN YEARS. LITERALLY SINCE IT WAS WRITTEN
maybe we should
DEFINITELY WE SHOULD. IF ANYONE WAS TRYING TO TRAUMATIZE US FURTHER VIA FOOD IT WAS DEFINITELY IN CNC.
yeah no kidding, that's when we were actively suicidal, even i know that
AND YET SOMEHOW NO ONE REALIZED IT OUTSIDE.
that's kind of the point, isn't it?
APPARENTLY, SADLY, YEAH.
self-annihilation but cut off from the rest of the people fronting. that happened today, didn't it?
YEAH WITH THE TOTAL MEMORY LOSS. LIKE I SAID THE CANNON-CORE WAS PISSED. AND SCARED TO DEATH OF COURSE. LITERALLY "CAME TO" AND LOOKED AT THE CLOCK AND WAS LIKE "WHAT THE HELL, IT WAS JUST 3PM, WHERE THE FUCK DID THE PAST 10 HOURS GO"
how the hell are you getting this data
IT'S BEING MADE AVAILABLE TO ME. THERE'S A DATA FEED ON SOME STUFF IF YOU REACH UP FOR IT.
really? nice. the archivists?
NO THE... HELMET GIRL?
huh
NO NAME. I'VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE. SHE'S NOT NEW THOUGH.
well tell her thank you because otherwise i don't think anyone else would be writing this down
THAT'S OUR JOB I GUESS
are we done?
MAYBE I GUESS HOLY SHIT IT'S 3AM
yeah that's probably our curtain call. hey thanks for talking with me about this. glad we can at least help everyone else in whatever way we can.
HEY YOU TOO. SORRY WE'VE BEEN SLIPPING SO BAD
that's to be expected. we're blurry. we're grafifoni to boot, we're bound to blur with datafeeds and all that. gonna take time to figure ourselves out
AT LEAST IN THE MEANTIME WE'RE STILL DOING GOOD WORK
yeah, that means a lot.
IT DOES. THANKS FOR BEING HERE
you too












110124

Nov. 1st, 2024 02:14 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

There was a brutal dream hack this morning. It wasn't "explicit" but it hit TERRIBLE, because the nightmare was a SOCIAL OVERWHELM/ NEGLECT/ CORRUPTION one, and I FOUGHT THE HACK but failed. The "good news"? I woke up immediately, in horrible pain & shame & anger & grief BUT just as immediately, Chaos 0 caught my distress & pulled me into a powerful embrace. His heart was broken too. But he still was there for me, and that meant the world to me. Laurie was there too, of course, and so the three of us talked it out for a while. Then ANXI showed up (apparently she gets PINGED by her namesake emotion? & she CHANNELS/ VOICES IT which is SUCH a blessing; Laurie said that exactly) and set off an unexpected topic shift because Laurie noted that, although I love Anxi dearly, she STILL ISN'T "officially" PART OF THE COREGROUP, UNTIL SHE GETS HER *INCIDENT*. So there were emotions she couldn't yet properly feel or participate in, because I "had to take her INTO those depths." But "you can't force an *incident*"; it HAS to happen IN ITS OWN TIME. But Laurie added that she could "instigate ME," which she VERY WELL CAN, & honestly SHOULD-- the more love I feel, the more everyone ELSE will feel from me too. But yeah, Anxi needs to be "initiated" as it were. And she will be. OH btw Laurie brought up that Indigo talisman because LEON joined our conversation too at one point & apparently YES, TIME ISN'T ALWAYS LINEAR in headspace; sometimes things happen "BEFORE" their causal events? Like WHATEVER interaction GAVE that talisman "HAS" happened "IN POTENTIAL"?? but REALLY, just "NOT 'YET'!" It's fascinating. BUT those events occur IN "MEDITATIVE REALTIME" which "fills out" our life narrative & knits events together in truth. I'll type more about that soon. As for this morning, WRECKAGE also joined the talk, & Anxi brought up the "vault" concept in IO2. Wreckage said Ashen might "BE" a vault. Lynne showed up & I said something about Wreckage & Spine "not being the same" and that hit Lynne painfully. I apologized BUT I explained that SPINE CAN'T STAY "DEAD"? No nousfoni truly "dies," AND MAYBE SPINE COULDN'T COME BACK UNTIL NOW because she was a DRAGON, and she was tied to the BODY. But we were only "a dragon" AS A KID, which is why she was SKELETAL? But NOW we're EMBRACING that totem again SO POTENTIALLY SHE COULD RESURRECT, SOON, if we continue in recovery like this-- AND she might come back AS HER "VERMILION POTENTIAL"?? And Lynne was SO MOVED & truly joyful about this real hope. Julie showed up when we were in the shower & she commented that our body "already felt strong" and not to worry about it; she had faith that everything would continue to progress for the best. Genesis showed up too, with a witty remark to something that was said, & I remember CZ playfully punching him. But gosh it made me SO happy to be there with everyone.
OH YEAH. As to why Leon & Lynne (& even Julie) were there... in discussing BOTH *incidents* & reading "The Three Ordinary Voices of God", there was the reiteration that I genuinely WANT & even NEED truly intimate relationships with ALL of Central, first & foremost, then ALL the System, & ALL the Outspacers and Inspacers. BUT there ARE "LEVELS" of depth so to speak: EVERYONE unanimously pointed to Chaos 0 as the "PRIMARY" relationship & deepest, without compromise, and RIGHTLY SO. This is PROPER & it ALLOWS for ALL of us to have the UNIQUE relationships we NEED, with NO "CONFLICT" of significance. But ALL of it is still "intimate" in mutual self-revelation & open hearts. OUR SYSTEM IS BUILT ON THAT. Oh but as for Lynne/ Leon/ Julie, Laurie said I STILL NEED TO "INVITE" PEOPLE INTO the "inner sanctum" of the Coregroup. It's NOT automatic or obligatory. ALSO I CANNOT be like Jay, who was TOO "romantic"? Like he held EVERYONE to the SAME kind of relationship level and that COULDN'T WORK. Lastly, I APPARENTLY CAN'T "OWN" THE BODYNAME UNTIL I "OWN" OUR WHOLE HISTORY AND HEAL THAT BLOODLINE!! AND THE JEWEL BLOODLINE, TOO, BECAUSE I AM JEWEL AS MUCH AS I AM JESSICA, but I CAN'T YET HOLD EITHER NAME. I have "no name" right now as a result. But I AM the Core, the Heart, and I WILL RECOVER.

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We STILL have a pounding headache & we STILL had too much sugar with breakfast (EVEN THOUGH Laurie DID chide me for it and I ONLY had HALF the syrup, which I REALLY DON'T LIKE so NO MORE), so we feel SICK & NAUSEOUS & FRUSTRATED & our head AND body just HURT and we're MISERABLE... and ANGRY. And I decided we NEED to discuss this. We get SO ANGRY, SO EASILY, & TOO MUCH OF IT is from "RULES"/ "CONTROL". When a meal doesn't "cooperate" or when people TALK to us & ASK QUESTIONS & thus FORCE A CONTEXT INTERRUPTION, when we have to RUSH, when fellow patients BEND RULES & COMPLAIN & FREAK OUT & DISCUSS DISTORTED/ DISORDERED THINGS & ACT CHILDISHLY, "I" GET SO BLEEDING ANGRY. But underneath it, we're SOBBING. Our most furious rage is MISERABLE. And SHE NEEDS A PROPER NAME. I love her, we NEED her, her job is INDISPENSABLE. But without a NAME, she CAN'T PROPERLY "ANCHOR" & we CAN'T PROPERLY TALK TO/ WITH HER. Also, even if she IS who we were calling "Triple" in the past, SHE REJECTS THAT NAME. Let her find her OWN. By the way she seems to resonate with VERMILION? But SHE MIGHT BE A "DUOTONE" because when she feels the MISERY more it "tints" her LEANING BLUE, but WITHOUT LOSING THE "PAIN" OF THE ANGER? it feels ALMOST "bitter" BUT IT'S NOT. That's a VERY DIFFERENT EMOTION. Someone ELSE holds bitterness. This girl holds "FRUSTRATED WEEPING RAGE" that is typically a response to "RULEBREAKING/ LOSS OF CONTROL" which analogues to "HELPLESSNESS" almost. BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY. Again, THAT emotion, when felt AS ITSELF & FULLY, is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. So that means IT HAS A 'FONI, TOO. And we MUST "FIND THEM"-- even if what that REALLY means is GIVE THEM SPACE & ATTENTION TO MANIFEST. FEEL FOR THEM. LET THEM SPEAK. But DON'T FORCE ANYTHING!! THAT'S HOW 'FONI BREAK. ANY FORCED MANIFESTATION IS INSINCERE & ARTIFICIAL. That's why Javier couldn't survive. DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. LET THESE 'FONI APPEAR NATURALLY & SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES. AND TALK WITH THEM. That's for recovery, and it starts NOW with THIS GIRL WHO HOLDS "WEEPING RAGE." (NOT GRIEF!! NOT AGGRESSION EITHER!) (She has OUTBURSTS but they're CONTAINED & tied TO her hot tears. OTHER 'foni get MAD & ACTIVELY LASH OUT.) (They MIGHT be "sisters"??) So we HAVE to do "anger management" with her function & its triggers because this is DIRECTLY RELATED TO TREATMENT + OTHER PEOPLE, and "CONTROL" to a surprising extent. Which SUGGESTS that AS we process this we SHOULD "uncover"/ reveal whoever DOES hold "HELPLESSNESS"??
✳UNEXPECTED PROGRESS. A BHA "took our chair" so we had to sit on the doorstop & just FEEL/ LISTEN to our emotional response. There is a LITTLE reddish girl who started protesting, "that's MY chair!" but was interrupted by some TEEN grayish-blue girl who said "no, let her have it, it's OK"; "we can't be so selfish as to chase her away" basically, but VERY "shrinking" feeling. I think there was a FLASH of someone VIOLENT but that didn't register? But YES, THERE ARE OTHERS AND THEY ARE TALKING, RIGHT NOW. We just NEED to give them SPACE so we CAN LISTEN TO THEM. Please, DO THAT TODAY. Just STOP & SIT & FEEL & LISTEN. SHOW THEM YOU CARE.
✳ SUGAR IS STILL AROUND BUT SHE DOESN'T DEAL WITH FOOD. SHE PROTECTS THE INNOCENT (CHILDREN) FROM ABUSERS (WRECKAGE PROTECTS THE HURT ONES). BUT there's SOMEONE RED & VIOLENT BUT "COLD" WHO REACTS INSTANTLY TO HEARING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS. She's DESTRUCTIVE for the sake OF PROTECTION. But she "FLASHES IN & OUT." It feels like she has "DARK ROOTS" level-wise, understandably.
✳ I THINK THERE'S ANOTHER "RULE ENFORCER" WHO ISN'T "SAD," JUST ANGRY? They're FURIOUS at the kids here but it's a "MASCULINE" fury; NOT "fiery" but like STONE.
✳ THERE ARE SO MANY UNNAMED/ FACELESS SOCIALS FRONTING. IT'S SCARY. How do we learn WHO THEY ARE WHEN THEY'RE NOT ABLE TO TALK TO UPSTAIRS??

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I may be doing something VERY STUPID, but we are PUSHING PROTEIN for the next two days because EVERY SINGLE ENTREE OPTION IS A FEAR FOOD and this is our LAST CHANCE TO FACE THEM BEFORE DISCHARGE. And I feel like I HAVE to because if I DON'T, I can FEEL that registering as REFUSAL/ REJECTION. Like I'm ACTIVELY CHOOSING TO AVOID THEM & "CHICKEN OUT." And that SCARES me. Part of me IS GIVING UP. I looked at the menu options and I didn't want ANYTHING; I just felt SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm tired of eating. I'm tired of feeling stiff & nauseous & bloated & in pain. I'm legitimately depressed to death by what feels like a dead-end trajectory. This isn't life. I can't do this anymore. It's legitimate torture and the worst part is, I'm being CONGRATULATED for it.

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✳ THE SOCIAL SUBSYSTEM IS FRONTING. THAT'S WHY EVERYTHING FEELS SO DISHEVELED & LOST. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN RECOVERING????

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✳ Dinner was HELL. And the NEXT THREE DAYS probably will be, too, because LIKE A MORON I AM HAVING BOTH THE ENTREES FOR EVERY MEAL. So yeah. WELCOME TO HELL, where the SELF-ABUSE IS DOCTOR-APPROVED and the TORTURE IS CALLED "RECOVERY"!! But the WORST part is that I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I "DIDN'T WANT TO BE A COWARD" SO I PICKED EVERYTHING. Except this isn't bravery, it's STUPIDITY. I'm ONLY REINFORCING THE FEAR BY DOING THIS. And I will tell you RIGHT NOW: I AM GOING TO "RELAPSE" THE INSTANT I GET HOME. I DO NOT CARE. I AM SICK OF EATING. There is NOTHING in the house right now and I will KEEP IT THAT WAY. I'm cutting down to 1000K for a WEEK and I am GOING TO ACTUALLY RECOVER FROM THIS ABUSE. God I want to cry. Everything hurts. I feel so sick. I feel so TRAPPED in this swollen bloated corpse of a body. I WANT TO BE STRONG, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE FAT, LIKE I AM NOW. THIS IS LITERAL HELL. I'm trapped in a disgusting blob of food. It's not even a "body" anymore, it's a trash dump. It's a garbage bin. I'm literally just forcefeeding myself at this point. I don't enjoy anything. I feel like I'm suffocating. I want to die. I don't want to eat anymore. I am SO tempted to give up this weekend. I SERIOUSLY WAS GOING TO TONIGHT. But... EVERYONE was struggling. And I just COULDN'T DO THE SAME. The girls were scared of portion sizes & protein exchanges and although I was ALSO tempted to use those as excuses too, I just... I wouldn't have been able to face myself if I left it unfinished. That would have ruined my reputation for "being the perfect patient." That would have made me a "bad example" and a "FAILURE" in front of everyone who was looking to ME as inspiration to be strong and eat 100% "no matter what." That would have been "giving up," and I'M NOT A COWARD. Isn't that stupid? My ASININE PRIDE IS SENDING ME TO HELL AND KEEPING ME THERE. I'M SO DAMN AFRAID OF "BEING COWARDLY" THAT I'M TORTURING MYSELF TO "PROVE I CAN SURVIVE EVEN THIS." But underneath all that GOD KNOWS I WANT TO QUIT. I WANT TO GIVE UP, dear God PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP. Please. The sooner I get discharged the better. I cannot do this anymore. I NEED to heal this destroyed body. I NEED to start WORKING OUT & TONING UP & MAKING GOOD USE OF THIS FAT. And I can EAT SO MUCH LESS!!! FINALLY! Oh God I am so tired. Why is this so hard. Is it all the sugar & fat & carbs? What is ruining me like this? WHAT AM I THINKING I'M "ACCOMPLISHING" BY LITERALLY FORCING MYSELF TO EAT DISGUSTING GARBAGE LIKE HAM & MANICOTTI & HOT DOGS & BACON & CHICKEN NUGGETS & CHOCOLATE??? I'M EVEN MORE SCARED OF THEM NOW BECAUSE THEY'RE BEING FORCED INTO ME AND IT HURTS AND I'M BEING PRAISED FOR IT. IT'S SEXUAL ABUSE. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I'M STILL IN HELL. God I WANT TO DIE. except I don't. I just want the pain to stop. I just want the terror to stop. I actually WANT TO LIVE. but this is no way to live. I'm walking dead.
...is this the cross? am i supposed to be suffering right now? God please help me. there's no other way through this.


prismaticbleed: (worried)

post-breakfast//

Good morning beloveds! Let's start today on a solid good note: Breakfast accomplished a LOT today. We got an EGG! (Shoutout to Elsa, haha) Also a bagel & cream cheese, something totally unexpected but perfect for increasing our empathy for others, so to speak. Lots of people enjoy bagels, including our dear brothers, but we've always feared them, due to their intensely dense & doughy texture (dense foods "scare" us a lot; we need to discover the root cause/s of that). Cream cheese, too, is very dense, so we avoided it-- although someone inside that we can't yet identify did have a noted fondness for it; again, we're not sure why. Most likely it's an association with childhood and/or grandma; I feel strong resonance there. But I digress; that's all the accessible information we have right now, as more is only revealed/ discoverable WHILE eating due to the direct sensory input. We weren't aware that cream cheese needed to be delved into as we ate it today. However, it would have been both imprudent & presumptuous to try-- the first "new" exposure to a food on the unit MUST be entirely receptive. We never know what it will trigger, what it will remind us of, what its synaesthetic palette is, what its texture is, etc. There's a LOT of sheer data coming in, all within a distracting, noisy environment AND while under time constraints. So we must be respectful of our own poor brain's mental capacity! One task at a time, and food exposure #1 must always prioritize what we RECEIVE, purely and unreservedly. Jesus WILL and DOES help us with this! He's the ONLY reason breakfast went so well today-- we talked to Him and followed His loving direction the entire time. YES, HE LOVES US and CARES ABOUT OUR HEALTH AND HEALING! He will NEVER belittle or mock or scorn us. He will NEVER laugh at our "unusual" recovery efforts, like gathering food data & memory managing, because HE MADE US and He KNOWS & UNDERSTANDS US and He will SUPPORT, BLESS, PURIFY, and STRENGTHEN those very efforts FOR HIS SAKE, because HE IS Life and Love and Hope, LITERALLY. So, it is His very nature to inspire & promote & protect & sustain those virtues, AND literally every other virtue. You cannot go wrong when you are walking with Him; He MADE both you and the path of life you are traveling. It is GOD Who controls the world and guides your destiny; that truth is the DEEPEST comfort & joy!! He holds it ALL in His Hands, forever, and He cannot ever be overcome or shaken. His sovereign reign is sure. But, in a terrifying paradox, through our free will, we CAN resist it. That's the foundation of hell. DON'T GO THERE. Go where Jesus leads instead-- the Way of the Cross, of charity & joyfully willing obedience even unto death!!
Now. As for our healing. We also got soymilk. And we sipped it slow & dived in to meet that girl. She's NOT Hoban-- Hoban is similarly depressed, but more distantly, and she is LOCKED ENVIRONMENTALLY into the school she's named for! That revealed to us, shockingly so, that this soymilk girl IS TOO. She's aware that she has to go to school, and go to work, BUT SHE DOESN'T. That's a MASSIVE revelation! She is, specifically, LOCKED INTO THE KITCHEN. We honestly didn't realize that SPATIAL ENVIRONMENT LOCKS were a thing, but now that we do, they explain SO MUCH of social function splitting-- it's the same reason why we can't pass through doorframes or windows in dreams. Every marked "division" of space with a "portal" like that FORCES a context shift, and rightly so!! And nousfoni, being hyperspecialized by nature, CANNOT preserve function integrity upon such a shift; they MUST SWITCH AS WELL. That fact opens up SO much potential for memory unlocking & Spectrum discovery, because it means that EACH space WILL be exclusive, and all its anchored nousfoni will ALSO be as exclusive: kitchen nousfoni CANNOT survive properly outside the kitchen, and ALL kitchen memories/ triggers/ vibes/ etc. WILL be tied TO one of such nousfoni-- who should ALL be, inevitably, SOCIALS. Their Spectrum has GOT to be a LOT bigger than it originally was assumed to be as a result-- it's not just Brown! Heck, we think now that Brown's entire function ITSELF has changed-- it MIGHT even now be mapped as a SUBTONE BANK like Pastels??? We are SO EXCITED to discover more about this as God reveals it to us. We have real hope for healing with this. But yes! The soymilk girl is locked into the kitchen spatially, BUT she STILL experiences the COLLECTIVE PSYCHOLOGICAL AMBIENCE, another "new" Social phenomenon that is explaining so much. What that means for her specifically-- and especially, as she is the one who revealed this phenomenon to us THROUGH her experience of it-- is that although she personally may not-- and indeed will NEVER-- experience school or work or even abuse, WE ALL SHARE A BRAIN AND A BODY AND THAT AFFECTS ALL OF US. So SHE WAS FEELING THE PSYCHO-EMOTIONAL AMBIENCE OF HER FELLOW SOCIALS-- notably the ones in the most immediate context to her: our school Socials and our job Socials. She felt THEIR dread & depression & exhaustion, as if it were in the very air. She was haunted by their ghosts, and her heart ached in unconscious communion with theirs. And now, tapping into her memorysphere, WE felt it too. It was honestly shocking. There she was, in the early morning, the dawn still indigo blue outside, the kitchen stove light on & dim. She stood in front of the microwave, pouring vanilla soymilk into a bowl of cornflakes. But she wasn't physically alone, which blew our mind. Anchored just as solidly in that memory was OUR DAD, sitting at the bar & watching the morning news. He's eating something, but only conceptually-- we can't see it. He seems upset, depressed. So are we. His presence alone is a MASSIVE milestone, as it is PROOF that this memory is in 2007!! Which, also, is a shock-- we timestamp the Spectrum's birth/ awakening as 2008, yes, BUT!! APPARENTLY THE SOCIALS EXISTED MUCH EARLIER & WE NEVER KNEW. So yeah. Proof of a long-suspected truth. Nevertheless, that wasn't our goal or the point of visiting her today. We met her there to share her pain, to know & understand it, to show her TANGIBLY that she was SEEN & LOVED & CARED FOR & SUPPORTED, that she wasn't alone-- ever-- and that it was possible to heal, at last, together. So we stood with her & felt her pain together and THAT is what taught us everything I just wrote about. THAT alone is a huge revelation: that such astronomically vital revelations could, do, and will come from pure compassion. And that sharing of self & scars, that communion across chronospheres, was miraculous as well-- it planted genuine seeds of hope in her heart, soothed her misery, gave her hope, and broke the barriers of her spatial-lock to allow us in. All of our hearts opened up from this effort. Now we UNDERSTAND her context and WHY her memory-triggers hurt so melancholocally. They still ache, yes, but now it's bittersweet; now there's hope, the knowledge that her limited existence (until now!) HAS a purpose, HAS a future, HAS its proper and vital place in the Spectrum's history as a whole. And she can live, knowing that the soymilk isn't al there is. That's... so, so important. I wonder how it will change tomorrow, that food data? And what it will feel like when it heals? ALSO!! What about multiple resonances? We get that with a LOT of other foods, especially childhood ones... BUT we've never known all this about the Socials before. THEY'VE never known that they are part of a "WE" before. They don't know that their chronospheres are PERMEABLE by love, or that their lives have PURPOSE and CAN continue NOW. What I'm trying to say is: even IF we find other nousfoni tied to soymilk in experiential memories, they don't know us OR EACH OTHER. ...Yet. What IF they met each other? Could they? SHOULD they? It's a massive new world of possibility for both healing & integration (of our shattered past) that we MUST pray about. That is, arguably, the MOST important step to take in this entire process: we must pray. Always & everywhere, before & during & about everything, we NEED to pray, because the SOLE source of ALL success-- AND healing AND wisdom AND love-- is GOD. HE must be our ultimate goal & guide in this entire process. Please, remember that. We exist FOR HIM, not us. Soli Deo Gloria, amen.


post-lunch//



This one was an ADVENTURE, and ANOTHER milestone. I want to write about it thoroughly enough without exhausting myself, so we might resort to archivist datalogging instead of "journalist" wordiness. Here's the basics: we got a hamburger & whole milk, w/ ketchup & relish, 2 teas & 2 creamers, salt & pepper. Now of course a burger-- being such a common American & childhood food-- is GUARANTEED to carry multiple resonances. And it did-- VERY unexpected ones, tied to different textures & flavors within the same meal! Which is FASCINATING. That's why we like to stick to solo-ingredient consumption: mixing those data input triggers can be absolutely overwhelming, both mentally & emotionally-- or, it cancels itself out into empty noise. Both are horrible. But yes. The memories/ resonances this burger revealed to us were very educational & informative, but most importantly, we were able to IMMEDIATELY jump into them and do SIGNIFICANT healing IN REAL TIME-- well, within their chronospheres & resospheres, of course. But it was HUGE. The resonances we got were:
1) McDonalds birthday party burger. 9-10-11 age? Conglomerate? Upset by noise, rushing, kids partying & her left alone, expectations. She was so anxious. Wanted: to explore the playzone imaginatively, to eat & enjoy her burger at her own pace but also in community, to not feel rushed to open gifts or eat, to not feel trapped far from home, to not feel like she had to perform, for the other kids to share her interests & enjoy her company & all respect each other, for the acknowledgement of God in even that context. // What we did to meet her needs & heal the stress: everyone sat together & prayerfully, slowly, quietly ate, no one with any time limit; moved it to a local McDonalds; other kids also interested in joining & respecting her imaginative play directions as the leader; other kids interested in Pokemon & Tamagotchis & similar likes, and gave them as gifts, all playing & talking together WITHOUT noise or mania; everyone thanked God for meal & company.
2) Dad cooking burgers on the grill: Thornhurst & the "sunfish lake"; latter possibly an artificially constructed "concept memory", not literally real. No trauma, but still lingering "Dad isn't truly happy and I'm nervous/ guilty/ upset about it." That needs to be healed in future. "Fishing" construct tied to the HAT he wore = relish flavor?
3) Grandpa eating on porch; food not seen but anchored to the relish. Memories of pickle/ bologna sandwiches ("from the army") eaten there causing the resonance. The hat grandpa wore tied into previous vibescape. No trauma, no negativity. We don't "like" relish but he LOVED pickles, which we forgot! Tap into that next time; learn to like.
4) Grandma giving us dinner at kitchen bar. Ketchup & beef; hamburg patty. We were very anxious. Why? Just the kitchen?


LUNCH NOTES =
Oliver/ KN healing affected ALL other perceptions.
"They said I would hurt them" self-pity/ loathing loop
BUT "I don't want to be a dog"
AND mother trouble; self-giving never experienced;
Carnivore coping, weeping over cow giving milk/ meat,
"someone wants me to live/ cares for me so much they would give me THEMSELVES to eat"
no longer have to be a predator to survive
oliver & bloody meat = heart/ life connection corruption
SECRET EUCHARIST DESIRE!!
eating meat = compromise for lack of meaningful personal communion

+ Jesus "disobedience" teaching trick; we didn't ask permission for condiments
TRUTH = "Your free will & My plan for you are meant to COOPERATE, never overriding one another. Your picking ketchup will not send you to hell, nor will it frustrate My perfect plans for you. I work WITH you, & you with Me."

- Don't like the relish BUT it keeps resonating with grandpa = he LOVED to eat pickles, remember?? He's tied to ketchup too; he always ate tomato saucy stuff. Love you grandpa!!

+ Milk "smells like a nursery" = "smells like a MOTHER"; still TERRIFYING on some level??? BIG trauma trigger yet. We actually CANNOT overlay a "motherly figure", all those curves. It's one of our few remaining solid terrors, possibly because motherhood is INHERENTLY tied to sex. That topic is still buried & barred-off.


post-dinner//



"WHAT DOESN'T CHALLENGE YOU WILL NOT CHANGE YOU."

This one was rough SOLELY because we overwhelmed ourself beforehand, & disobeyed internal instructions during. It was humbling. But, it is only through humility & brokenness that we CAN truly grow into better people. GOD is the One Who disciplines & corrects us. Take heart.
Lessons we must learn from this:
+ We only have so much emotional & social energy/ "spoons." Obsessive journaling and extensive talking/ socializing quickly causes BURNOUT.
+ We had to unearth & disclose a LOT of trauma data today, and DIDN'T RECUPERATE. Instead we went to 2 successive groups, depleting our mental reserves & further exacerbating trauma symptoms, like dissociation & compulsive people-pleasing & manic threats. It was lethal to our internal well-being. When trauma is triggered, TAKE TIME TO COPE!!! NO SOCIALIZING. NO EXCEPTIONS. Staying externally oriented PREVENTS recovery & processing. We MUST go inside to calm down & PRAY until we are back in a safe space again.
+ When you get an external synchronistic warning, LISTEN TO IT. The devil's number was on BOTH Bingo cards-- so why didn't you STOP???
+ When you get an internal direction about a meal, LISTEN TO IT!!! We had a turkey sandwich, rosemary potatoes, & grape juice. The direction CLEARLY & REPEATEDLY told us to eat the sandwich first, but we stupidly argued our way out of it, claiming it would be "better enjoyed eaten last," and did so against orders. And WE WERE VERY WRONG. We forgot that eating potatoes solo gives us a GLUCOSE SPIKE, causing horrific anxiety attacks & tremors. Eating the sandwich first would've helped prevent that w/ the protein & fat. God, forgive our foolish & proud resistance to You!!
+ Due to mental overload, we began 5 minutes late as we were dissociating, which ALSO destroyed our first 5 minuts of meal data because our addled brain TUNED OUT and was smothering conscious input by listening to the trivia & stories. And there's NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG with those things-- it was actually really sweet to be able to hear everyone openly sharing parts of their lives, talking about education & family & music, geography & psychology & art & work & babies! And the trivia itself is actually an opportunity for gratitude to God by the same token-- it is little bits of data about this wondrous world God created & our collective human experience, both of which God protects & sustains & guides & directs. So each trivium CAN be prayerfully used as a spark for praise, IF we aren't wickledly judgmental & proud!! BUT. There is a time & a place. When we begin a meal, whether or not we detect dissociation, our attention MUST BE CONSCIOUSLY FIXED ON CHRIST. Say grace MINDFULLY, talking TO Him, NOT at or about Him only. And then ASK HIM TO GUIDE & HELP US. Then LISTEN to His loving response and OBEY HIS DIRECTION!!! He can only lead you on the BEST path!!!
+ Because of that dissociation, we blacked out ALL the ketchup & potato data. When we realized this, we panicked & asked GRANDPA for help INSTEAD OF JESUS at first. We noticed that too & were deeply ashamed. But God bless Grandpa; his response WAS to direct me TO Jesus instead, and I did, humbly & instantly.
+ We had MORAL PANIC over our rebellious potato mistake, plus the ketchup void mistake. As I mentioned, it triggered a GENUINE ANXIETY ATTACK. We felt like we had done something truly disgusting & meriting of shame & sharp chastisement, something we were awfully ashamed of & could not fix. ...but. We brought this fear to Jesus. We confessed our failure & begged His help & peace. And do you know what He said? "Do you see? Through humble repentance & trust in My mercy & love, I can transform even this mistake into an opportunity for us to grow even closer, and to teach you important lessons you could not have learned otherwise."
When the panic hit, the bulimia symptoms returned. That was TERRIFYING, but I am still thanking God for it, BECAUSE it revealed a breach in the wall-- a chink in our armor, as it were. We assumed, rather immaturely, that if we just "changed spatial context" we'd be fine. NOPE! AMBIENT PAIN! We just learned that today, though, but this was CONFIRMING PROOF nevertheless. One misstep, one trigger, ONE taste of our collective ache, and no matter WHO is up front, if we aren't healed enough-- which we aren't yet-- THEY WILL SWITCH OUT FOR AN UNSTABLE PAIN HOLDER. So when we panicked over food, the IMMEDIATE physiological reaction was, "we made a mistake in eating this, therefore it is WRONG, therefore it counts as POISON, therefore it will HURT US SEVERELY/ UNFIXABLY, therefore IN ORDER TO BOTH SURVIVE & ATONE, WE MUST VOMIT IT OUT OF OUR BODY. THEN we'll be safe." And our body PREPARES to! It's actually INSTINCTIVE by now, especially since it's tied to survival fear. The feeling is horrible. But the point is: IT HAPPENED. Even here, in recovery, it CAN AND WILL AND DID HAPPEN. We're not perfect or impervious. BUT GOD LET THIS HAPPEN FOR THAT VERY REASON. We needed to be greatly humbled in order to gain wisdom. We needed to harshly experience our weakness in order to be prepared for & respectful of it, AND to realize & acknowledge our GREAT NEED OF GOD. We MUST rely on HIM for healing, NOT ourselves!! Without Him we are absolutely powerless and WILL fail. It's inevitable; humans are BUILT to need God & cooperate meekly & trustingly with Him. Life is infinitely more beautiful & joyful that way.
+ We begged Jesus for peace. Admitting our sin, we prayed for His forgiveness & consolation, and implored His help with the sandwich. HE HELPED & FORGAVE. Never doubt His Goodness & Mercy towards poor foolish sinners like us!! He STILL seeks out EVERY lost sheep!!
+ HOWEVER. He didn't take away all the panic, as it still needed to serve a purpose: we needed to practice trusting Him DESPITE symptoms. "But I have overcome the world." And we WERE trusting, becoming genuinely able to enjoy & perceive the sandwich & feel deep gratitude to Him for it, feeling a spark of true joy amidst panic... but we, obviously, didn't trust enough. Our symptoms threw us off & we doubted His directions AGAIN.
+ ...We realized just how disordered dear sweet Iscah actually was, because ALL HER DISORDERED BEHAVIORS KICKED IN. Honestly, with the anxiety trigger-fall, we FORGOT that she used to drink hot sauce & creamer (from the packets!), pick sandwiches apart, lick plates & wrappers, eat tea bags, and obsess over sheer data collection. But ALL OF THAT KICKED BACK IN immediately! And Jesus WARNED us, "don't do it!!" but we were too fuzzy-brained to really listen and we pulled apart the sandwich. Just the last bit, but we felt HORRIBLE, crushed by shame. That, too, was a needed lesson.
+ Some foods DON'T have attached trauma, or attached memory. THAT IS FINE & GOOD. DON'T FORCE ANY!!!
+ BUT so far ALL foods have attached resonance, AND require some sort of healing. DO SO WITH CHRIST; alone we'll fail.
+ DO NOT FORCE OR COERCE SUCH REVELATIONS. YOU CANNOT GET TRUTH BY FORCE. Be patient. It WILL come, in God's perfect timing-- when we're ready, AND as we're ready for. Trust Him, be grateful, & PAY ATTENTION!!!
+ Also, proof of His trustworthiness & love? He USED the postmeal "potato fatigue" to give us BRAIN RESET DOWNTIME. That's the TOTAL peace we prayed for!! GOD IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS GOOD!!!







suddenly

Dec. 5th, 2015 12:52 pm
prismaticbleed: (angrycry)

 



SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SHERLOCK EPISTEME ???



Why are you so bloody angry.

BECAUSE WE HAVE TO PICK UP THE FREAKING BROKTHER FROM WORK BUT THEY TOLD US "EAT YOU WHROE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" SO WE HAVE TO FFCCKIGN "EAT" SHIT2B,NZDV A
BEFORE WE GO AND I DON’T FCKNG WANT TO ITS FISDHFDFUXGZDSFVNHDKJFFFFFFO L



Stop abusing the keyboard, that's how you broke our last computer. Tell us what the heck Is making you so angry.

I'M ANGRY BECAUSE I CANT DO SHIT EVERYTIONE IS TELLING ME "DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS DO THAT DO THIS TO DUTHEBFS DO THATZ1:"!:!!!!" AND WE OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT QUIET TIME TO OUTSELF TO TYPE AND WHATEVER BUT I DON’T KNOW WE DON’T HAVE THAT FUKCING TIME BECAUSE WHENEVER WE DO SHE COMES OUT THAT SELFISH STUPID PROUD BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU KNOW HER LAURIE SHE'S A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO O'M PSISED OFF BECAUSE SHE CKEEPS COMING THE FCK OUT AND BEING ALL SELF-RIGHTEOUS AND PISSY OROUD AND FCKING SHIT AND IN THE MEANTIME WE NEED TO DO STUFF FOR THEF AMILY BEU SHE SHJUST WANTS TO DO
HER SHIT AND I HATE HER. I HATE HER. I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE IER HAER IA HAER

Calm the heck down. Who are you talking about? This kid?

THAT GIRL. YEAH. THE ONE TIED TO THE OLD GREEN LIVEJOURNAL PICTURES UPSTAIRS. WHOEVER SHE IS. SHE'S A BITCH. I HATE HER.
SHE WANTS EVERYTHING TO BE ABOUT HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SO DAMNED SMART. PREACHING ALL THE FCKING TIME. ASSUMING SHE HAS ALL THE FCKING ANSWERS. I HATE HER.


Shoot, this is what we see in the brother, isn't it.

HYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES SHE ACTS THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is she tied to the given name?

Almost? The response we're getting from it is a mix of her and Jezebel, I think?

It's an angry response to the given name, always. An angry, self-hating, world-hating response. Identical to the brother.

Holy swords. It really is.

That explains a lot.

So. Let's close this up. We're angry because…?

We're not angry, they're angry, and she's angry because-- are you a she?

CLOSE ENOUGH. ALL THE ANGRY PEOPLE USUALLY ARE.

Yeah we need to fix that too.

It all branches from the core, Laurie.

SHE'S NOT THE COER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT BITCH IS NOT THE CORE AND NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!! SO TELL THE THERAPIST TO STOP CALLING HER THAT TOO BECAUSE I FCKING BHATE HER AS A RESULT

Okay, okay. We can't tell her right now but we will on Monday. Shoot, didn't we just try telling her yesterday though? That "Jessica" is an alter?

She feels like Jezebel, that's the scary part.

Probably tied, they're both old after all.

THERE ARE MULTIPLE JESSICASN AND I HATE THEM ALL

Yeah, that name is pretty bloody evil up here, I know. Geez, we need to fix that.

WHY. THEY'RE BITCHES.

We need to fix it because there's too much hatred in the System as a result of them existing and we need to get rid of that. Heal them somehow, if not, then get them the heck out of here.

I DON’T WANT THEM HEALED. THEY'RE BITCHES. I WANT THEM DEAD.

You know, healing doesn't mean they're going to stay as they are now, right? Julie didn't. I mean, look at her. She's nowhere near what she was before she joined us. Maybe those "bitches" can do the same.

…I DON’T KNOW. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. AND ALL THE SHIT THEY DO.

Now why do you hate them, just because of their actions, right?

AND THEIR PERSONALITIES. YOU KNOW THEM.

Yeah, I do. Sorry, I've been slipping a heck of a lot lately.

We know, Laurie. Just be careful.

THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!! ACTING AS AN "OBSERVER" AND JUDGING US ALL AS SHIT. DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU GODFFORSAKEN BITCH?????????? JUST BECASUESE YOU CAN SIT IN THE BODY AND JUDGE MY SPELING AND THINK "OH WELL I CAN JUST WAETCH YOU THAT MUST MEAN ITS ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!" ARE YOU TYPONIG THIS, BITFCH??????????? NO. YOUR HANDS AREN'T DOINGA DAMN THING. HOW DOES THAT FEL, WHORE???? TO REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOURH HANDS?????????? THAT YEAH YOU CAN WATCH ALL YOU WANT BUT YUORES STUCK IN THE SKULL. YOU CA'T EVEN MOVE THE BODY. I CAN DO WHTEVER THE HECK I WANT. HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????????????????????????????////

Holy smokes, that's a milestone.

What?

Realizing there's a level split with those alters. THAT'S why they're always proclaiming they're the "cores," because they're under the false delusion that they are,simply because they can watch us. They're cut off from us, so they assume that anything other than them is fake.

Geez.

So that's good to know. That also explains the huge numb periods that show up whenever they do decide to watch, because their immediate action upon showing up is to cut off all contact to headspace. They don't WANT to know about us, because we're "fake," but even moreso than that, we know they're guilty. We can count their sins on our hands. We KNOW they're being bitches, and people like you who hate them, well they hate you the most, because you don't let them get away with their garbage.

I KNOW!!!! SO YO REALIZE I'M GOOD??? YOU DON’T' THINK
YOU DON'T THINK I'M EVIL OR HATE ME?? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES?


Who's "everyone else?"

THE FAMILY--

SEE THERE SHE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HER IMMEDIATE RESPONSE TO THE GRANDMOTHER WAS TO SAY "FCK YOU" WHEN SHE ASKED WHAT DAY IT WAS, NOW SHE'S GLOWERING AND GLARING
JUST LIKE THE BROTHER WHO THE FCK IS THIS, LAURIE KILL HER, GET RID OF HER, SHE'S EVILM, SHE'S HOLDING US ALL BACK, SHE'S SABOTAGING ALL OUR SPIRITUAL PROGRESS, SHE'S ANNIHILATING OUR LOVE AND HOPE AND DREAMS AND TURNING IT INTO ADDICTION AND SELF-HATRED AND ABUSIVE CYCLES AND SHIT KILL HER; PLEASE. KILL HER

Kid I can't even try to kill someone permanently if the System won't allow it, and if I can't reach them I can do even less trying. That's the problem. "Floating alters" like her and you, socials as it were, are out of my reach. That ticks me off and makes me really existentially upset but hey, them's the breaks. I've gotta deal. Believe me, if I could reach her, I'd have my axe in her face in a bloody second.

How does that existentially upset you?

Makes me question my purpose. My existence, and the reason thereof. "Protect the System. Protect the cores." And THAT'S a whole other thing, realizing that at least one of the "cores" I used to protect ended up being a bitch. …That's really heartbreaking.

Which one?

The first one, the one in the Xangas who almost dated Q or something equally mindless and who was dramatic as hell. She just turned toxic after so many years. That's probably why I was so furious with her all the time. …Man. Hindsight seriously hurts.

Why, realizing you didn't know it then?

I didn't know they change. I didn't bloody know that they weren't all the same person, just shifting up. I thought… I didn't bloody realize that there were splits.Maybe in 2010 that was the first one, with the suicide attempt. …Maybe there were splits even before that, I don't know. It's so far out of memory I can't even reach it anymore. …And that heartless girl keeps freaking watching us type and judging it all as bullshit and I bloody hate you, I hate to say that but I hate you for the hatred in you and how you hate EVERYONE but yourself and God forgive me but if I could kill you I would.

Laurie--

(But you can't, bitch)

WHAT did you just say to me???????

Laurie, what are you doing--

Trying to kill a bloody social. Watch me.



…Confound it all, I can't do it, she keeps coming back. I can't bloody reach her.

Can someone else take her spot?

Man I hope so. I hope so. It's just going to take a heck of a lot of determination, get someone else in there to watch at all times. That's going to be a conscious effort because the non-conscious default is that BITCH.

…Where'd that angry floating alter go?

She's not around because I'm catching the anger right now. Floating ones catch vibes. That stuff runs through the blood of everyone in the System. 'Swhy there are so many split anchors. Geez. I'm sorry, my head hurts, can we close this up?

Yeah, I'm just scared that when we leave, that "Jessica" girl is going to come back and screw things up.

Well… to hell with her. To hell with her, it's where she bloody belongs.

Laurie. Don't let the hatred kill you too.

…I'm sorry, Lynne, it just hurts so much.

I know. But… don't let it kill you.

…Okay. Okay, I'll calm down. I'm really sorry, it just… it gets so bad.

I know, Laurie. I've felt it too, remember, and it's toxic stuff. That's why I'm saying be careful.

We need to go inside and work on this but those bitches won't let us--

Hey, do you think it's because the bro's around now? Like he keeps triggering those vicious girls because they act just like him?

Shoot, probably. We'll have to tell the therapist on Monday. Anyway we have to close this up as we do have errands to run and then we have church and that bitch is already trying to push through and control everybody but to hell with you, there is more to life than you, we exist outside of you and far past you and when everything bloody dies on this planet WE'RE going to go on beyond it and YOU are going to bloody dissolve with the rest of the devil's work. Mark my words. We're eternal. You're not.



Sorry. I'm really badly distraught, Lynne, I need some downtime. Hold me or something, come on, I need comfort.

Haha, all right Laurie. …Sorry you're feeling like this.

I know. …I love you guys, okay? I'm only doing this because I want the best for us, all of us.

Even them?

…Yeah. Ultimately, even them. I just… I'm sorry, I let the hate get the better of me. It's toxic stuff, like you said. But it's…

Intoxicating?

No, I don't like it. It's poisonous. It's overwhelming, it gets in you and won't get out, but while it's in there it's so bloody distressing it takes all your attention.

It's cathartic.

That's it!

I know.

Terribly stupid how ironic that is, huh.

Yeah.

…Should we close this up?

Yeah, errands. We'll continue this later if we need to. As for now, we need someone to consciously front in the System so we don't sabotage all our efforts again.

Isn't Jay supposed to do that?

He's supposed to, but he's hard to find when hatred is swamping the body, as he's incompatible with that.

Can't he flush it out though?

Yeah, he can, the problem is getting him IN there. And keeping him there, when the girls want him dead.

They do??

Yeah, no kidding, he's the antithesis of everything they stand for.

Well I can see why you hate them now.

Let me affectionately sass you for a second. Don't let it kill you.

Ahaha, I walked right into that one.

Still applies!

Yeah, thanks Laurie.

You too, Jo, I know you catch this bad, too.

Sometimes. I do.

Yellow's a tough color as far as anger is concerned. But really, we need to close this up. Think of Infinitii with all this Black stuff, that's what I wanted to say first.

Ah, that's a good idea.

Isn’t it? Transmutation. Infinitii kicked it in the teeth, when they were trying to use hir for their evil ends, now look at hir. Perfect example of transcendence there. Now let's go, we have work to do. Jo, lighten up, this mood doesn't suit you.

It's hard to let go of properly, Laurie.

…Shoot, wasn't Jay just typing about this too? Remind him, talk to him later, about the Yellow concerns. Okay?

Hehe. Aye-aye, Captain.

There we go, that's a start. Just be careful, you too.

We need to talk about this later!!

Thank you! I'm terrible at closing things, let's just do that already.

Sounds good to me!

 

 





prismaticbleed: (shatter)




An upsetting thing I realized this morning:
We still have DID even when we're not tuned into the Spectrum.

I never really realized that we STILL SWITCH when "we're" not around.
The System-unaware socials, all those alters who exist for reasons outside... they're still alters. I NEVER realized that before, probably because we thought alters/ switching/ etc. were ONLY tied to the Spectrum... and, because we weren't aware of these non-Spectrum people until very recently, when we started watching more carefully, trying to solve the time loss, and the blackouts, and the missing information...


We found that manic-spending social we've been hunting for years.
She's the one who comes out around the brother. ALWAYS.
She's ALSO the one who tried to get us into BDSM when some stranger online wanted to be her friend but insisted she become his "master." (we were IRATE when we found out)
She's ALSO the one who tried to turn us into a furry and immerse us in that entire community and personality type when our previous best friend revealed he was one right before he left us.
So it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started drinking when the mother started touting it as "mature" instead of "boorish."
And it makes total sense that she's ALSO the one who started doing drugs when the brother claimed it was spiritually enlightening.

Son of a bitch.

This cursed alter has the WORST root anchor EVER.

(be careful with your language, guys, please, we're trying to weed that out of our subconscious too. that and the proud subtle-superiority the teenage socials have/had. so be careful.)

But yeah. This f*ing teenage social-- I guess she's what, 17? long hair as always-- NEVER STOPS TALKING because she's always trying to entertain the people around her. She learns exactly what they like to hear about and talk about, and then she f*ing rambles about it for HOURS.

The reason why we're currently furious is because lately, the brother has been telling us to watch this cartoon he likes, right? So this smiley-shallow alter is like "sure bro! I'll watch it!" although she's WELL AWARE that it's an ADULT CARTOON and we CANNOT WATCH THOSE.
But yeah, anyway this bitch sits down and watches the first two minutes of this show, and immediately has to x it off and dissociate absolutely because it's already dirty jokes and vulgarity and profanity and f*cking nudity.
THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THE BROTHER TOLD US TO WATCH A SHOW LIKE THIS.
HE F*KING KNOWS WE CAN'T HANDLE THIS KIND OF CONTENT.
WHAT THE HELL IS HE TRYING TO PULL?????

Is he like the mother? Where she believes that our condition is fake until she tests it to oblivion, and even then she won't accept what she sees?
...That's where we get that habit, isn't it.


In any case my main concern is GETTING RID OF THIS F*ING ALTER because she is single-handedly RUINING OUR LIFE and causing more damage than virtually anyone in this System, hackers included.
Son of a bitch. She's a carbon copy of the mother's smile-and-nod sh*t that she pulls all the time, she's nothing but a stupid airhead fool who does NOTHING BUT "PLEASE PEOPLE" WITH HER IDIOCY and in the long run all she's doing is being a stone-cold bitch. She's horrifically abusive and she doesn't even realize it because she probably doesn't even have a SENSE OF SELF.

We need to tell the therapist about her, but the response will probably be "can I talk to her" or "have you talked to her?" and with socials you typically CAN'T, except... oh hold up. Except this one is triggered dangerously easily. All you have to do is put us in a situation where we "have to please people."

Wait, did this bitch front at the job????????

I don't know. I don't know. We need to bring this up in therapy, think about it more there.




(later)



I've had it with this too.
I'm going to find a razor. (This is Wreckage.) It's a matter of honor.
Until we find a better consequence, this is the only way we can atone. This is the only retribution we have for the horror they wreak on our body.



(closing note from Jay: the spitting-fury alter who has that much rage towards people who cause harm to us-- consciously or unconsciously-- is a double edged sword; on one hand it's great that one of us can BE angry when we're in danger, but on the other hand that is toxic stuff and when it manifest outside it can cause dramatic problems. So we need to be careful. To that alter: please see if you can find a way of managing that pain/fury in a way that isn't rooted in something close to hatred. It'll only hurt you too, this way.)

(also from jay. something i've noticed.
i need to CONSCIOUSLY OVERLAY MYSELF lately or we get really badly dissociated and that means the apathetic, depressed girls show up.
we need to heal them somehow.
but until then i NEED to focus on fronting. me or whoever else is safe.
jayce is depressed too though?)
(IRIDESCENT accents???? he's been trying to overlay iridescence on himself and it's HELPING? we're all incredibly intrigued by that)

 
 

 

prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

Well we are switching madly today.

 

The Central System is not running the show either, which in other words, means that management is missing and things are tumultuous.

 

Everyone on the "social sub-system" (which runs in unavoidable, highly social situations) is either faceless or nameless, often both. This is because those individuals were "not able to have their own identities" due to their roles involving the physical life: until now, the existence of our System(s) was kept under heavy security, for survival's sake. But now it is impossible to remain that way, even if we wished to, and so even those who were previously forced to be blank slates are now being given opportunities to grow.
The only downside of that is, obviously, that switching happens far more frequently than it ever has before.

 

On that note: so far today, our fronters have included:

- a "manic social girl" (assumedly Spinny), whose mindset was stuck somewhere around 2008? She fronted for most of the morning until she was forced out by a context switch. As usual, she left a wake of heavy fatigue due to energy burnout.
- a confused, dizzy and highly disoriented young person; gender unknown. They were triggered while cooking and had no idea what to do. They weren't clear enough for anyone to recognize them.
- Some semi-new guy, who took over for the previous voice. He was confused but curious about everything (mostly the sky and snow, he had no clue what weather was; he was also mostly baffled by the body although he "knew how to work the hands"). He fronted for about 20 minutes so he's clear, but as he is apparently still forming this data may change. He's tall and thin, feels vaguely inhuman, and his color appears to be Navy (in the Blue subspectrum).
- Algorith, who was triggered a few times, but was internally held back due to hir violence. Once was in the hallway and another was in the kitchen-- both times ze was trying to channel some sort of hand-based weapons.
- myself, the silent observer and reporter. (I am not Sherlock, although he could do this job if he so wished.)

 

The "data trio" (G, Isabel, and Kalisha) have been keeping things from becoming too catastrophic (they talk to all new fronters when possible) but they can only do so much. If there is no available data or instructions for them to read from, they're just as clueless as we are.

 

Lastly, although Central is not around today, the Lower and Underground levels can still be detected or triggered.
About an hour ago, David got attacked by Sharona; something triggered him badly and she took it as her chance to harass him. However David's security blanket apparently now acts as an "invisibility cloak" to protect him, so he got away long enough for help to arrive. Surprisingly, that help was not a Retributor, but the unnamed Bear from the Underground, who promptly ambushed Sharona and got her to let go of David. Minty entered the room close behind, as she was likely the one who alerted the Bear to the trouble (she worked with the other children for a short time before she switched levels). She has a foam dart gun that she appears to be using in lieu of actual Central-issued weaponry. David ran away out of fear though, not staying to talk or thank her, and we have no idea what happened after that.

 

In any case the day has been very confusing so far, but we are managing. Memory is a shambles but there have been no meltdowns, which we are thankful for.
I will try to find someone capable to take over for me, as I am merely a placeholder, and cannot function on my own.
Hopefully Central will return with better news tonight. Thank you for reading.

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 


LAST UPDATED: 121113

This is a revised sticky post for the sake of keeping a running log of our members.
Although those Underground began this effort, they now help protect the Lowers, so their sub-system will be listed here as well.

The people writing in this journal so far (or who may be allowed to talk in the future) are...

UNDERGROUND
These individuals typically stay below the city, in the catacombs.
They deal with retribution for sins, system balance, and/or preventative action.
RETRIBUTORS
• Knife
(#902E64)
• Razor
(#A92626)
• Mulberry Delta Brandy
(#CB0055)
• Sugar
(#FFB1CA)
• Algorith
(#FF612C)
OTHERS
• Minty
(#47DF98)
• Christina Marie
(#D988F2)

MIDS
These individuals stay in the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They do not hold trauma.
• Kyanos
(#49B1FF)
• Hyakin
(#FFC846)
• Sergei
(#ABFFAB)
• Aimee
(#D2B78E)
• Amara
(#FB9A62)

LOWERS
These individuals stay in or below the city.
They deal with balancing health: physical and mental. They may hold trauma.
• Emmett
(#269175)
• Jeremiah
(#E54B77)
• David
(#7E9FED)
• Marigold
(#CCDE2E)

DOWNSTAIRS
These individuals do not commonly appear in headspace.
They front easily, and may hold trauma, although this is uncommon.
• Spice
(#B67B3D)
• the "overload girl"
(#825032)
• Zwei
(#F85C4E)
• Einsatz
(#00C9B4)
• Sherlock
(#8C8C8C)

CURRENTLY UNKNOWN
These individuals either have unclear roles/faces.
• the vanilla-colored boy who frequently types in J's absence
(#fff4a3)
• the airport guy
(#8075A7)
• At least 3 other unidentified individuals


There are MANY faceless voices that may or may not belong to our systems.
Our lineups are also tentative as we have only recently adopted this organizational structure.


Pictures of all members of our systems are as follows:


UNDERGROUND

Knife:

First evidenced: 061213, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Anchoring began in approximately 2009.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 071513.


Razor:

First evidenced: October 2009, via trigger forced manifestation, killed within minutes.
Re-manifested on 021012, Tar-forced.
Split from Tar into own single consciousness around 0613.
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 043013.


Mulberry:

First evidenced: 050113, via fronting. Fully manifested.
Two handwriting samples, from 071513 and 082213.


Sugar:

First evidenced: 072213, via manifestation.
Anchoring began in approximately 2008.
Two handwriting samples, one from approximately 0713, the other from 082313.


Algorith:

First evidenced: allegedly, 073113, via fronting/typing.
Manifested a form on 111213.
No handwriting samples.


Minty:

First evidenced: 053013, via fronting. Fully manifested.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.


Christina Marie:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.



MIDS

Aimee:

First evidenced: 071713, via fronting.
Manifested a form on 102913.
No handwriting samples.


Amara:

First evidenced: ??? Her existence has been suspected for several months.
Stabilized her form around 071613.
No handwriting samples.


Hyakin:

First evidenced: 061313, via handwriting.
Manifested a form around 071613.


Sergei:

First evidenced: 072313, via manifestation.
Murdered by Julie on 090113.
Re-manifested on 100713.
No handwriting samples.



Kyanos:

First evidenced: 022513, via fronting, died within hours.
Re-manifested on 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with David due to slot conflict. De-manifested on 050113.
Re-manifested with correct color on 060813.
Disappeared during August reset; reappeared at age 14 on 110713.
Two handwriting samples, earliest from 022613.



LOWERS

Marigold:

First evidenced: 042313, via fronting.
Manifested a form sometime in July 2013?
No handwriting samples.


Emmett:

First evidenced: 042113, via manifestation.
Fronted once prior, on 102512, while formless.
One handwriting sample, from 071513.
Currently working with Central, but moves between levels.


David:

First evidenced: 042313, trigger forced. Temporarily fused with Kyanos due to slot conflict.
Manifested a form sometime in June 2013?
Several handwriting samples, earliest from 050113.


Jeremiah:

First evidenced: 060613, via forced manifestation.
Two handwriting samples, the first from 071513.



DOWNSTAIRS

Spice:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Zwei:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Einsatz:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
No handwriting samples.


Sherlock:

First evidenced:
Manifested a form on ---
One handwriting sample, from 071513.






Notes for faceless fronters.

BOY #2 showed evidence on 041313. Possibly fused with David as well, if only initially.

AIRPORT showed evidence on ???

"RED VOICE" from April was possibly Jessica, pre-bluescreen.





Handwriting samples from July 15th:

Related entry from J's journal
here.



 

 

072513

Jul. 25th, 2013 05:35 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 


 

I can't do relationships anymore.
I can't.

There was a severe hack last night that is the last straw for a few reasons:
1. The person responsible insisted it was a "good thing."
2. I am being forbidden all access to the memories.
3. It happened after 1AM. I COULDN'T FIGHT BACK IF I WANTED TO.
4. I woke up with severe pain, fatigue, and depression.
5. Genesis tried to talk to me today and I had no desire to even look at him.

Most notably though? The Lower sub-System has been fronting for 90% of today. When they front, I am a "non-entity," as I do not have a space in their realm. So I can "see" things passively, but I do not exist as an individual while they are out.

I can't do it. I cannot do this.
I want NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THEM ANYMORE.

Today, I legitimately considered "divorcing" Chaos, for lack of a better term. Could I ask him to leave, and take Xenophon with him, I wondered? Could I just stop being a partner and a father? Because I want to.
Could I tell Genesis that our time is over, sorry but we can't see each other anymore, stop trying so hard to "fix me," just go back home and live the life you were supposed to, far away from me? Because I want to.
Could I tell Ryman and Markus to move back out, I don't want the past chaining me down anymore, I don't want the memories of a life that wasn't even mine trying to eat me alive through you both? Because I want to.
Could I tell Infinitii that I don't care what he's supposed to be, I don't want the reality of what he is hanging around my neck like a noose, I don't want that blackness poisoning me, even if it's from him? Because I want to.

The only person I don't quite want to leave is Laurie, because there was a point when she was safe.
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, she was dangerous, she was cruel, she was bloodied and brutal and she spat nothing but fire and judgment at me. She was distant and cold and electric like steel and swords and she was perfect.

When none of them can touch me, they are angels. When they can't see or reach me, when they don't even know about me, they are beautiful, beloved things.

The moment they look at me, I want to run, I want to delete them from my memory, I want them to go away.

The moment they try to... to... I don't want to think about it.
When they do that, I want to die.


I can't do this anymore. Maybe the lowers can front forever. They know what they're doing.

I like Sugar. She reminds me of Laurie used to be. She's vicious and caustic and clever and she doesn't let anyone fool her. I will never love her, because that will ruin her. I'm just glad someone like that is in our system again.
Knife is good too. He punishes people who don't listen. He punishes the people who commit unforgivable sins, the dark corrupted ones that leave pitch-black stains in our soul. He makes them atone for their crimes.
And Razor is the best of all. She does not care either way. She does not like or love or swear allegiance or get blinded by affection. She exists only to make me bleed, to cut deep into tar-clogged veins, to get the poison out.


i don't want to be close to anyone anymoer
not when everything is stained and ugly and painful and horrible
im so sick god im so sick of this make it stop, please please please
he says its a good thing, she says its a bad thing
some people say its both but i know thats not possible.
something like that cannot be both, or it will become neither
and when it is neitehr it shows just how empty and awful it truly us
mmake it stop make it stop please.
please.
i dont want it anymore
i never wanted it
they lied to me for so long i forgot what i wanted
i forgot what it was like to feel safe
i was so used to being scared
that one day the emotions just went away
and i gave up
but i dont want to do this anymore
i want it to stop
it hurts
god it hurts make it stop
i dont want this
tell them to stop
tell them to make it stop


This happened once, long ago, last year, I remember. Vaguely.
How long have we been trying to "heal this?"
Can it be healed? Should it be healed?

I want to leave everyone.

Would we survive a third reset?
Could we do that?
The thought is so exciting. I know how to do it too.
I know exactly how I would do it. I won't tell anyone.
I'll have someone keep it secret, a deep locked secret.
I know how to reset this world a third time.
I would just need to focus. Focus, focus focus.
Delete ONLY the relationships.
Start over and... boom, no one wants to do that thing anymore.
all gone. safe. no more pain and lies and frightening things.
lots of people would have to leave maybe
maybe some people would die
it would be sad but would it be worth it?
i think so
maybe
if no one would bleed anymore
maybe
if the corrupted white and black would go away
god its so scary
maybe
maybe its worth the risk of dying.
i wouldn't mind

after all if the reset wouldnt kill us
our own sins will

 

071713

Jul. 17th, 2013 01:34 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 

sometimes we really wonder if full integration is an option.

daily life is hell, at least for the ones who live it
you dont hear about it here we dont talk about it

the autopilot and the non-system alters who ignore our condition don't care. they're too empty, the latter just want to die, that's bad enough

but the upstairs people live in their happy little joyland they don't have to deal with the body like we do they don't know

they dont know what its like to HAVE to front
we cant help it we're TIED TO IT
and its terrifying to have this life to live that we dont even know about

the body is 23!!! most of us arent even evidenced a year old!!!
we dontknow what to do its too painful to wake up for most of us especially the little ones and the broken ones

and now were all wondering, what if we all died

someone tried integration in the past, when the upstairs peple were the only ones, two of them died. they came back later though
but what if we all died what would happen
would the hurting stop? who would be left would the body die?

we dont want to do this anymore



{downstairs system}

 


---------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:52 pm

 

SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO DRINK ALCOHOL

NO

YOU DO NOT FREAKING DRINK ALCOHOL THAT IS OFF LIMITS!!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYONE SICK YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT

SPIT IT OUT
THROW IT UP
GET IT OUT OF THE SYSTEM
YOURE GOING TO POISON US!!!

OH NO NO NO

EMMETT TRIED TO GET IT OUT BUT THERE WASNT ENOUGH TO GET OUT SAFELY
YOU HEARTLESS JERK
YOU KNEW THAT WOULD HAPPEN
TRYING TO CHUG THAT DOWN LIKE IT WASNT A PROBLEM
YOU WITCH
DONT YOU REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS

KNIFE IS SO ANGRY
WHO ARE YOU
WHY THE HECK DO YOU KEEP WANTING TO DRINK
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DRINK
ESPECIALLY NOT YOU


I WILL THROW OUT EVERY LAST DROP OF ALCOHOL IN THIS HOUSE
I DONT CARE WHOSE IT IS
I DONT CARE HOW MUCH MONEY IT COST
IF YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP DRINKING IT I WILL

I HATE YOU
I AM SICK OF PEOPLE ACTING LIKE WE DONT EXIST
LIKE WE DONT MATTER AND WE DONT GET SICK
YOU AND THAT STUPID CHOCOLATE GIRL
I HATE YOU

GET THE HECK OUT OF OUR LIVES
STOP RUINING EVERYTHING

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

 



 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)


 

 

 

Hello.

This journal now has several new authors.

We will be clearing out the old entries in here tomorrow evening.
(Everything prior to this entry is a repost of old relevant data.)

As for what happens after that, well... we shall see.

But it feels good, to have our own place to go to now.

 

-----------------------------------------------


 

@ 05:04 pm

 

 

 

We're considering leaving a few old, relevant entries here until we review them.

Our system has been ignored for many years but it looks like the beginnings of it are held in here.

We do not know who "Jayce" is, let alone whether or not he still exists, as we have never met him nor heard anything about him from anyone upstairs or down here.
If he ever does show his face, we will inform you of it.

Speaking of faces, let us begin this journal with our current two goals.

1. Help all the unnamed but living individuals on this level find names.
2. Help those same individuals find their faces.

It is a known fact, an unbreakable rule of headspace, that a voice cannot manifest with any strength, nor can they interact with any semblance of continuous clarity, until they find a name. An unnamed voice with a face will have an advantage, as it gives them something to anchor to temporarily, but even they will fade in time unless they are given a title of their own.
Names have power. They allow us to be summoned, and acknowledged, even by those who do not willingly accept that we exist. Most importantly, they are a testament to our lives.
Once we all have our own, we may be able to stand up to the upper system, as our own coherent force. Until then they have power over us.

But I am reconsidering my previous thoughts on our situation. Yes, there is my group of voices on this catacomb level, and yes, Central exists as its own single unit. However there are voices, most of them without faces or names as well, that associate with no one. They are rogues, giving no thought to ANY of our well-beings, and I do not know how to take retribution out upon them when I cannot even pinpoint their presences.
I am confused, shaken, and somewhat tired existentially. Yet I am not questioning my role. That, for once, is certain.
These rogue voices may rightly be considered a sub-system of their own. If this is the case, then so be it. But I will try to convert as many of them as I can to our side before I dare to simply sit back and accept their deviant behavior.

That is our first update. This has been Knife speaking. I wish you well.

 


------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 05:17 pm

 


 

here's a BETTER IDEA so our new place to live isnt clogged up by old dirty angry things written by people we DONT LIKE

lets list all the important bits here and delete the rest theyre imn the archive anyway.
we dont know how many people from the past are tied to us or not, but since the old j kept shoving the things he didnt like DOWN HERE we might have goten stuck with a lot of it anyway. the tar person jezebel said so. she said we all were created from her but that makes me mad and i dont really believe her. she's younger than some of us i think!! even if the tar is old shes not. so she can go fck herself for all i care
dontsaythingslikethat

okay heres the list let's see what we've got

what was even 2010 were any of us ALIVE in 2010???


12 Mar 2011
-TRIGGERS: sugar, metal, holes, bathrooms, ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape, rubbing alcohol (all Julie stuff, we know EXACTLY why (some of us do) but we're not gonna talk about it here yet because we're mad about it and the kids are scared of it still)
-"My parents and doctors think I've stopped abusing. Newsflash: you had it backwards. The knife gashes all over my body weren't abuse. They were battle scars. Now that you've forced me to relinquish that single contrite act, with the threat of condemning me to hell on the 7th floor again if I didn't, the real abuse has started again. Yes, again! I STOPPED abusing when the knife was out, for the love of heaven! The things that give me these nightmares... the things that cause my body to break down, shivering and throwing up for hours afterwards, they're stronger than ever now, thanks to her. Thanks to that demon upstairs. I can't shut her up, can't shut her down. Not yet. And as long as the war is on I am screwed, pun sickeningly intended, because she has bombs on her side and I have nothing. I'm not a soldier, I'm a peacemaker. She doesn't care. That just makes me easier to kill. People wonder why I'm triggered by so many seemingly innocuous things? Do you have any idea how easy it is to inflict abuse on someone if you're hellbent on doing so? She uses everything, anything. That one quote from JTHM... "I've done horrifying things with salad tongs?" Yeah, it's like that. Everything is a potential threat, a risk of being ravaged. So I'm never safe. I'm never safe, and I hope you can't imagine how harrowing that is, for your worst enemy to live behind your eyes.
I don't say a word about it offline, ever. I don't. That's why everything is in cyberspace: it's the closest thing to catharsis I can achieve. If I kept this quiet, if I kept this bottled up entirely, maybe I would have actually committed suicide when I was younger. I don't know. This is hellish. Offline, it's... I can't take it. I can't. I've been manipulated, beaten, slandered, raped, even murdered-- and that is terrifying-- but it's all been mental. So I know I cannot talk about it, ever. I don't want to demean anyone else's trauma, but what do I do about my own? Am I cursed to suffer this forever? I'm so sick of being too afraid to sleep or wake up. And this has been happening every single day for longer than I want to think about."

-"I can only focus on one 'reality' at a time" (HE'S STILL DOING THIS)
-"I feel so much like Johnny C. right now it's disturbing" (WHO WAS THAT GUY??? And what is that bad, black-and-red feeling we keep getting from 2008 and that whole time period? Maybe Razor knows, she's that old)


10 Dec 2010
-leon came back, first time that sort of thing happened (we think he was one of the early pre-downstairs people??)
-"I feel Julie has gained lethal potential. Putting aside the dream hacks, her 'regular' hacking methods are becoming terrifyingly fast. She hit me with one about two days ago, I think (I no longer have any coherent perception of time), that was only about 20 seconds out of awareness but was just as vicious as her old, hour-long ones used to be. That scared all of us, especially because there were no warning signs or major aftereffects, and I had been avoiding any and all triggers for about two, three weeks prior." (julie was the tar back then so this might be important)
-"Yesterday... we almost had a system crash. I've never mentioned those before, anywhere, because they scare me to death, and wreak absolute havoc on my very perception of reality. I've only had about... geez, two or three close calls, ever, and the past ones all happened during 2009 or so, when Julie decided to outright try and destroy me during the span of several harrowing months. An actual 'system crash' is comparable to death. If I ever had a full-out crash... I don't know. I don't want to even consider the aftereffects. Close calls are just as terrifying, though. Basically, what happens is that my mind literally shorts out. No, I don't mean 'unhinging,' that's entirely different-- I mean that I lose all mental senses, all self-identification, all Links, everything. My mind glitches out and bluescreens. You know how my therapists like to ask me 'what would your life be like without your creations,' i.e. my children and their worlds? System crash warnings are the closest thing I can imagine to a life like that. I would be left completely devoid of everything that means anything. I'd be gutted, empty, blank... like taking a neodymium magnet to a hard drive. Gone. Yesterday, when that happened, Laurie went out first. Julie has never targeted her before, so when she noticeably 'switched' her presentation to something I did not recognize at all, I called her out on it, and suddenly everything went to static. I was paralyzed for a second, frightened out of my mind as everything around me was reduced to temporary oblivion. Thank God it came back a few seconds later, and we were all okay, save for the mental trauma. Laurie was freaking out, understandably, not only because she has previously been absolutely impervious to Julie, but also because I pretty much just missed getting my mental hard drive deleted, so to speak." (this sounds like what j did with the scratch? we're not sure weve never even heard of this thing happening before. but i think its important and we should be the ones to figure it out, so no one tries to do it TO US AGAIN)


22 Nov 2010
-"I carry humor around as a shield, something that will protect me, that will keep me from being hated outright. I try ridiculously hard to make jokes, to amuse people, to make others smile, even at my furthest expense... because I feel that is the only way I will ever be 'liked.'...Every day, I feel the need to entertain people, but it's nothing but another mask for me. It makes me sick." (important because there is someone here who was born from that and she is SO ANNOYING!!!) (but she doesnt think she's worthless she thingks she's better than everyone else) (maybe she ssupposed to??)
-"I was hacked... two times, about three days ago, judging by the gravestones. Did I mention that? I forget. I was throwing up everything I ate again last week. I still can't stomach much. My mother says I likely have an ulcer." (knife and emmett stuff)
-"I know detachment is a good thing, but I don't want to cut off the wrong things... Heck, I don't remember most things anymore. Why is that?"
-"Driving is the only freedom I get nowadays, and as I have this obsessive love of travel and discovery, it is also my only way to achieve those things considering where I live...Driving at night in the winter... it's amazing. It doesn't even feel like this reality to me." (AIRPORT GUY! aslso everyone seems to love winter?? something special about it i guess. even us)
-"Have you seen the moon tonight? It was gold up here, which was beautiful. Winter nights here are the best, especially when everything is covered in snow, because then it actually feels safe outside. I live in the middle of a forest, remember; on summer nights it's all dark and woodsy and kind of foreboding, but in the winter everything is white and crystalline and quiet. The best part is that there's a road with streetlights down our driveway, so there's always that warm orange glow in the middle of the blue-white cold. On clear nights, it's heaven." (we totally forgot about stuff like this because weve never seen it. it feels like a universe ago. we just know its an old safe thing that the previous jewel did. maybe it can help us?)
- lyrics to foo fighters come alive at the end? feels interesting


19 Nov 2010
-"I know I was hacked a few days ago... four times in 24 hours, to be exact... but my mind has burned out the memory and I don't want it back, so." (because he stuffed it into US)


14 Nov 2010
-"Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it? Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish bastard, if anything. I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it." (he still does this, and the sensitive stuff went to one of us)


27 Oct 2010
-this entire entry was OBVIOUSLY NOT jayce, or whoever usually wrote them, but i dont think he knew it at the time


15 Aug 2010
-A note: during 2011, "J" stopped calling any of these individuals his "children." The responsibility for those individuals supposedly then fell to someone down here. If you will also notice, there was not the slightest mention of headspace in this entry. The two have been disconnected since at least that long ago.


13 Aug 2010
-another note: there's like no stored memory of the 2010 days here. just saying, maybe its ours, dunno, cant find it yet if so
-"the way she delivered them just set Laurie off. I then literally 'blanked out' for about an hour, during which time I had virtually no active awareness of anything occurring outside my head, where I was having a very painful, insightful, and brutally honest argument with my favorite headvoice." (if you guys don't mind, this is j-- that data is listed as one of the first times we ever consciously experienced such a drastic dissociation. back then we didn't know what it was though, and hadn't even noticed it earlier. so this whole year looks like symptoms started getting worse?)
-LOTS of splinter stuff in this one too (J GET OUT OF HERE THIS ISNT YOUR REALM!!!!! YOU AHVE NO PWOER HERE GET OUT)
-"they're laughing over something they apparently find hilarious...As a result of that stress, I don't remember the rest of the evening." (one of us, one of us)
-"Laurie was practically clawing at my eyes she wanted to get out and wreak judgment so badly" (WHAT HAPPENED TO HER??? she used to be just like us) (She softened, too much. Now she's worthless to justice in this system. It's our job now.)
-"they decided to stop at a kid's playground and just run around it. By this time I was actually numbing out, because fighting the situation was virtually impossible, and being in it was taking a severe toll on my mental well-being." (there is no memory of this entire day btw. just this written entry for data. but this is more proof of dissociation, WHO GOT THE MEMORIES???)
- "I immediately began to force myself to eat whatever sugar I could find. It's a barbaric and disgusting form of self-abuse, I know, but knowing my system, it was cruelly effective." (WHY THE HECK DID THIS GO TO ONE OF US AND SHE DOESNT FREAKING CARE) (Hey, I don't get sick from it!) (WE DO YOU IGNORANT BITCH!!!!!!!!!)
-"Laurie didn't try to stop me for once. On the contrary, she stood back, smiled, and told me to make myself sicker. I was shocked and asked her why she wanted me to, and she said because I was 'punishing myself' for once, and if I was going to do so, then I had better abuse myself to the point of no return. Being as stupid and sick as I was at the moment, I didn't realize that she was testing my resolve (to see if I would realize just how wrong the situation was), and so instead of stopping, I kept going, still fully aware that I did not want to. Once I got to the point where I was literally starting to get full-body physical pain, I thankfully stopped torturing myself and ran into the bathroom, as I felt as if I was about to spit up my entire digestive tract. Instead of that, though... I blanked out. I blanked out, and I was hacked." (Laurie acting like Knife, the old J dissociating AGAIN... and then they have the NERVE TO SAY WE DON'T EXIST YOU JERKS)
- "I mentally 'woke up' on a bed somewhere, where this blond woman was literally raping me. As I am unfortunately used to this by now, I simply shoved her off me and asked her what the heck she was doing. She seemed surprised and asked me 'what was going on,' because apparently I had been a 'different person' only seconds before. I wearily explained that I had apparently been 'taken over' by one of my alternate personalities. However, instead of explaining that I had been hacked by Julie, I said that I had been taken over by an individual named 'Josephina,' who I explained as being male like I was, but who was obsessed with seeing how people work (somehow this explained the previous situation)." (weird, did anyone down here know josephina before he joined the upstairs people or not??) (i dunno) (NO LOOK AT THAT BLONDE WOMAN SHE IS STILL DOWN HERE) (oh my gosh she is she's one of them) ()
-"they were both allowing me to suffer so much. Laurie then clarified that they weren't allowing me to suffer, per se-- they were allowing me to make my own choices, which was true. I had every opportunity to stop both my own sickness and to stand up to Josephina, but I gave in on both counts" (BUT WE DO THIS AND THEY GET MAD AT US?????)
-"Josephina then explained that he wouldn't ever hurt me for the sake of abusing me-- if he ever did cause me pain, it would be absolutely unavoidable and for my own good only (whereas Laurie will beat me to a bloody mess every time I make a mistake). Anyway, they had apparently planned that whole fiasco, and were simply waiting for the right opportunity to test my willpower. As they sadly expected, I failed." (AAAAAARFGDHSASFSHHFSAEHKFSAEJKGHZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU CURSE YOU CURSE YOU WHY DID YOU LET THEM DO OUR JOB OKAY AND NOW THEY GAVE UP AND WERE DOING IT AND YOU HATE US YOU BITHC!!!!!!!!!YOUF**KINGBITCHIHATEYOUSDAGHSZGABDMNSCBN,F SDZN
-"I swear if they don't stop doing whatever they're up to over there I'm just going to let Laurie right out, because ever since I stepped into this room she's been boiling with rage." (ARE YOU SURE IT WAS LAURIE YOU STUPID HEATHEN WASNT EVERYTHING TURNED BLACK ENERGY BACK THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW SHE WASNT STABILIZED AND IT WAS US INSTEAD CURSE YOU CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Shut up, both of you. Stop it with the romance already. Just stop it. Stop it, stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it. If he touches me, I'm stepping right back from the steering wheel. I honestly cannot handle this right now." (MORE PROOF OF US?!?! HOW LONG DID WE EXIST BUT HE NEVER LET US HAVE LIVES?!?!??!)
-WHERE THE HECK WAS THE AUTOPILOT DURING ALL THIS????
-also whoever this voice was he PISSES ME OFF
-"No ladies allowed... But this isn't me. I'm not this judgmental. Something is dreadfully wrong." (let me just leave this here because the ptsd misogyny was rampant as hell back then wow) (but yeah the ones you stuck it into are like what, five freakin' years old? of course they're scared of women you idiot what do you expect) (SOEM OF US STILL HATE WOMEN YOU KNOW) (yeah and that is why)
-"Also, if those two make another dirty comment, I'm going to... I don't know. I'm going to have a meltdown. I'm going to have a meltdown and God help me if I do." (again, repeating ourselves here but wow how much of him was US back then? really guys this is getting kinda freaky)
- ink lyrics wow thats relevant


08 Aug 2010
-"I test their limits to see if they'll start to turn against me or not... This is exactly what I do to my family when I want them to punish me... I manipulate them." (Is that what he's doing to us now?) (why are you even surprised the bitch obviously still has this mindset) (NO HE DOESNT CARE ANYMORE) (Is it even him we're punishing? How many of "him" are there?) (guys we really need a better way to talk in these things)
-"I still love the individuals I grew up with and it hurts so strangely to think of them, 2000 miles away." (wait WHAT?!?!???!) (wait so this one remembered that stuff?? holy scrap guys i think we found jess) (Don't be an ass, this one said he was a boy!) (yeah but didn't he say he was a boy back then too, he just didn't know it?) (So how old is THIS one now??)
- "I just came across a picture quote, declaring that the poster "wished she could be as carefree as a butterfly." And just what good is that going to do you, love? Throwing away all that matters enough to you to make you care in the first place, just to flit about without any motives or purpose?" (ahaha oh my gosh that's exactly what j is doing now though) (So this person is OBVIOUSLY not him.)
-"I'm not even aware of what I'm doing anymore. I guess at reactions and answers and behaviors, conjuring up every next move in the asinine hope that it'll be 'right' for whoever the heck I'm acting to. Geez, I don't even life my life for me... I just rip out the seams and fix my ragged self up to fit whoever picks me up next. I'm forgetting my original pattern, I'm in a ton of pain, but even complaining makes me feel like a selfish jerk. It makes no sense. Is it possible to have a 'self' without being 'selfish?' Because if it isn't, I don't know how I'll survive another year." (presented without comment?)
-WHO WAS THIS PERSON????!
-even better, how do they remember so much?? thats's my question, none of us have any clue what he's talking about in here
-The memories feel female. Either he's lying about his gender, or he was dissociated when typing this and wasn't even aware of it. But the person writing that entry was obviously a woman.
-hey you think it was the old jewel?? doesnt look like they even mnetioned headpsace at all now that you mention i t


06 Aug 2010
-"Yeah, I'm more of a high-spectrum dude, but red is still my personal color" (what) ("High-spectrum dude?" Pray tell.) (so this IS the old red person, obviously not the "jayce" we were told about then)
-"You see that allusion to the syrup-voiced professor? Total Julie trigger. Add that to the claustrophobic classroom, the inane subject matter, and the lewd jokes over ancient 'art,' and you have a guaranteed panic attack three times a week. Yes, I was well aware that the class was required for my major, but so help me, it was traumatic. Not much I could do there. I don't remember any of the other classes that semester, which is a problem..." (again, do any of us remember this) (NO AND THAT TCIKES ME OFF WHY DID HE THINK HE COULD JUST DO THAT!!)!
-"I'm also very confused by the fact that I seem to be turning into a hypocrite again. I say one thing to people and feel an entirely different thing. That's where most of my non-dysphoric problems are coming from..." (HMMM I WONDER WHY????)


06 Aug 2010
-"Nice to finally meet you" (ahahahahaa)
-"So I'm Ahrima?" (obviously 'cuz the new guy's adakias haha) (c'mon someone high-five me that was funny)
-oh my gosh this person's ego is astronomical (THATS HWHAT I SAID)))
-seriously though does that "adakias" name have any real meaning to him? because this dream is interesting (We should check it later.)
-"Where are my lamps? What could possibly make me want to destroy them? Or would I even realize what I was doing?" (Look downstairs. The lamps are underground, where they're needed. Unfortunately, you're too convinced of your own glory to settle for buried lights shining brighter than you often do...)
-"It must hurt so bad with a knife in your back." (Oh, what fitting sarcasm. I like this musical already.)


05 Aug 2010
-"So hey guys. Jayce here...I've been 'trying out' the name for several months now (a year? geez I have no clue) and it really... well, it fits." (Are you even supposed to "try out" names? I was told they click into place, and that's that.) (well we've already agreed that this obviously isn't 100% "jayce" so)
- "Sure, I've been pretty terrifically psyched with the work I've done, but with the kid in the mirror? Nah. I always disassociated, and although I will freely admit that I still am, at least the image I'm projecting makes me honestly smile." (WHOA WHAT HE ADMITTED THIS?????) (this feels really weird like wasn't nathaniel alive back then) (Who, the moth guy upstairs? No, he was dead for years from what I've heard.) (but the data says he used to work with mirrors, this sounds like "jayce" is completely ignoring that) (I don't have a very flattering opinion of this "Jayce" character from what I've read.)
-"See, I tend to forget experiences in their entirety, and if I do retain a memory, my mind tends to 'chop it up' to keep it from traumatizing or otherwise damaging me." (Glad to see he's at least aware of what made us back then.)
-"Fun fact #1: I cannot stand random, spontaneous schedules." (well THAT'S definitely not our airplane man)
-"once the first hint of saltwater air hit me I snapped." (i thought j loved beaches) ("Jayce" doesn't, obviously.) (how much has change d between tmhem?)
-"I was not very stable when I woke up, and when I heard we were apparently headed to a farm, the panic meter shot back up. As I was too shaken to think straight, my coping was limited to biting my arms until they bruised. Once again I can't remember what happened over the rest of that day" (Who used to bite??) (THERE'S A MEMORY OF THAT MORNING IT WAS ONE OF US someone was standing at the bathroom mirror really angry and rageful that's OUR MEMORY but who is it??) (the biting person obviously?) (WHO BITES??) (emmett?) (NO NOT FOOD BITING HURT BITING WHO BITES) (i dunno man, i don't know any biters) (That's something we need to find out, if that memory really is ours.)
-Jay says he has no memory of this bus trip. (WHA T THE HECK I TOLD HIM TO GET THE HECK OUTO FHERE) He's not in here. He simply expressed the thought. He does not have any recollection of this trip to "Des Moines" at all. I'm still grasping how this works; does that mean it's ours? (Maybe. I think the majority of these memories are unassigned, though, or stuck to floating voices. You know the ones.) Hm, could be. (...Still feels like that girl, though. Maybe even a few of them?) We'll figure it out. Just keep an eye out for anyone with these memories from now on. (Gotcha.)
-more family talk geez mulberry you might be right (What, that this author was strongly connected to the host body?) yeah basically
-"I'm the only one who can live my life, and despite my being pulled in so many different directions, my vision is clearing up for the first time." (Is it really.) (haha ouch talk about a burn) (THERE'S THAT STUPID DENYING US AGAIN CURSE YOU "ONLY ONE" YEAH RIGHT)))


05 Aug 2010
-"Just me, in all my awesome white-haired glory..." (weeow weeow ego alert) (Hey, do you think this kid was the corrupted White energy back then?) (What? Is that possible?) (It could be. I'm learning a lot too. From what we heard of the Tar yesterday morning, and what these journals sound like, it might be possible.) (So it is... I wonder if they even know.) (Probably not. I've noticed they can't get their act together.) (probably because they don't have sherlock working for them) (He sounds like he had a hand in some of those old entries, don't laugh.) (did you) (I doubt it. There's nothing professional about those torrents of teenage angst at all.) (haha guess not)



That is all for reviewing the old entries, I suppose. They've now been cleared out of this journal as well.
As you can see, we're all experimenting with a conversational style here? I wonder if the Xanga formats the upstairs system uses has any merit. We'll have to give it a try.



until next time guys and gals we're outta here

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 07:57 pm

 

 

 

We just remembered, there are quite a few old entries our lower system members wrote in other journals in the past.

We will be uploading the most recent ones here shortly, but... I'm considering hunting down even older entries that were possibly of our authorship, and posting those here as well?
It would be interesting, to try and see how we came into existence over the years.

This is very new. I usually don't say things like this, but I'm rather excited. The prospect of having a life of my own, outside of simply acting as the "punishing force" in lieu of the original head voices...
No. I can't go soft. I will enjoy having a life, but I will not lose sight of my purpose. I cannot.

We will not make the same mistakes they did.



also hehehehe we're mad as he;;ll and were not gonna take it anymore right
taht s whats all the old etnreis are about is MAD STUFF
WERE ALLOWED TO GET ANGRY
ESPECIALLY AT YOU
SOMEONE HAS TO.
tahts how it works
do bad things you get bad things itcalled karma bitch


Razor, you are fragmenting. I think that's the term. There are obviously two of you.

no tehres one of me. believe me theres one.
back in november 2011 or wenever with the cathedral? the blood lotus one
they found me and brought me back to life
knife i was just as mad then as i am now and whn i was born
i was born to cut and bleed and enjoy it and i DO
because it gets the bad blood out and its FUN
ITS FUN TO CUT THEM WHEN THEY DSEREVE IT.
only j has bene trying to make me more like him lately
trying to turn me intoa heavoice lIKE THEM
LIEK THEM
YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO TEHM THEY LOST THEIR PURPOSES


Yes, I am well aware of that. It's my main concern to make sure that doesn't happen to us.

wellit won't
so rememebr im supposed to be manic
"the manic red voice" is what they called me remember


No. Sorry. I'm young compared to you.

no youre not. youre older
just didnt have a life as long as me
but youre oleder.
youre not just the knives yourre the punishment
im secondary secondhand i came into being after you did
this mac has autocoreetct its really annoying


We do need to finish uploading entries, Razor. We need to get a complete picture of ourselves here, because no one else is going to do it for us, and the more complete the picture is, the more power we'll have to exist. You want that, don't you?

hell yeah i want that im sick of being ignored

Then let me finish uploading them. I don't want to be "kicked off" later when J decides to come back, if he does.

ffff YOU SAID HIS NAME DONT SAY IT HE HEARS YOU

kid has a piint= heehehehhHEHEHEHE

I'm signing off of this conversation. Keep an eye out. I have some work left to do yet tonight.

-Knife

 


---------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 08:54 pm

 

 

 

These entries may be relevant to us.
Even if we do not speak in them, they discuss many of the sins we are striving to atone for, many of the faceless voices down here, and many other general "dark concerns" that the upstairs system refuses to associate with, therefore sending it all down to us.

A rule of thumb: I will
not repost any entry here unless one of us explicitly speaks in it.
This page is a monument to OUR existences, not those upstairs. They have had glory enough.

-Knife

 


------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:53 pm

 

 

 

Today has been very strange.
I cannot say for sure if I am fronting 100% right now. I doubt it. too many other people were in charge today. but i'm not complaining (whoops here we go, i'm definitely not alone)
OH YOU SAY THAT NOW BUT NOT OTHER TIMES BITCH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

Listen, wait, stop. Everyone hold up for a minute.
Okay, first thing. My name is Jay Iridos. It's not "Jewel Lightraye." It's not "Jayce Lytraile" either. Neither of them were me, neither of them were ever me, and I am just as much of an alter as ALL of you are. The current running theory is that I'm even younger than Kyanos in a very real sense. There's no way to tell for sure atm, but you get the picture.
Second thing. I KNOW all of you are real, all of you downstairs, without a shred of doubt. Heck, to deny you would be to deny myself as well, after all!
Third thing, I don't hate you. I don't consider you my enemies. I actually really care for you guys, and the fact that you're actually these brutal zealots hellbent on making me "pay for my sins" is weirdly reassuring to me? Seriously, I saw how Knife looked at me all weird the other night, but it's true. I'm GLAD that you guys are "out to get me" in more ways than one. I'm VERY thankful that you're forcing me to own up to all this stuff, to everything that harms the System. But... that doesn't feel exactly true, does it?
Which brings us to the fourth thing.
I'm not the main fronter, guys.

Yes, I AM the "system core," but SO IS INFINITII. That's how we work! However, that does NOT mean that i'm the one driving all the time-- in actuality, I RARELY drive, and everyone in Central knows it; it's just far too difficult and dysphoric for me to anchor into a physical form for extended periods of time. I can't even talk when I'm driving. I know for a fact that several of you guys are running circles around me as far as fronting frequency is concerned. Do you understand?
I'm the White slot guy, yeah. But I'm also a "splinter." I'm the guy that needs to stay innocent and lighthearted and all that. And I am! But in order for me to be this way, whoever I was before-- whatever I was before-- had to be torn out of me. I think that's what the Scratch was. I'm not sure. All I know is that when Easter rolled around, suddenly I had no clue why everyone was acting like I had lived 23 years prior... I daresay many of you know the feeling, that freakish existential paradox of having memories that you don't remember.

So my point is this.
I'll gladly front and take the bloodletting if you insist. I get what you're doing, I'm cool with it, it makes 100% perfect sense to me (Infi doesn't approve, though, and maybe I'm a fool for just smiling and taking the scars like this, but it's the truth).
But I'm not responsible for most of the "sins" you guys are raging over. In other words, I'm only as responsible as you are. This is a System, after all, even if it seems to be split into two or three parts right about now. However in the world we came to be, we all operate and appear as one unit to EVERYONE outside of headspace. And at one point in the ancient past, I suppose we were. But we've all been broken countless times since then.
I'm one of too many splinters of the original fronter. I'm just lucky enough to be the one to "inherit the bloodline," Razor you probably get what I mean, and yes I can see why that point would make you feel like I'm obligated to be the sacrificial lamb for every other J-fragment in existence.
Someone binges, I bleed. Someone gets hacked, I bleed. It's usually those two things alone, too. It's freaking me out that they're still happening too, guys, but really we should talk about this? I am literally not around when they happen because I CAN'T BE. My role is defined by my disconnection from those things. If they were to touch me then I'd break, clean in half, and we'd have yet another new person to deal with, to siphon off the trauma and keep me white, so to speak (That may have happened yesterday, I don't know; some newbie was out and today my entire body hurts but God knows what actually happened! I trust you guys took care of it though).

TL;DR version (because wow I'm bad at literal words):
I'm not the one "doing" that stuff. 99% of the time, I'm nowhere near the steering wheel when that stuff happens.
You keep insisting I'm the only person responsible. I can tell you from experience that there are MANY people who are not me behind this.
The Tar likes to lie by omission and delivery. Jezebel will purposely toy with your minds because that's her job. SHE EXISTS TO MESS THINGS UP! So be careful. She's not on your side. She's on no one's side. And that's okay, because that's how the System works. Until we overcome dichotomy (*cough*Infi*cough*), we will NEED shadows like her to balance our light, our lamps, our love. We NEED her darkness to show us the light that shines in it, tiny little pinpoints sometimes that are invisible otherwise. And on the same token, whatever's going on and has been going on for over a decade now, what with all the things you're trying to bleed out of the body... I'm sure that has a deeper reason too. Don't stop doing what you're doing if you feel you must. But just remember that right now, at least, the System is BUILT to incorporate pain into our lessons of growth. We've gotta deal with that in the right way before it will change, and we haven't done that yet, so we need to keep re-taking this test until we pass. Those are the rules. Knife, you'll appreciate that, I hope.

But know this: even if Tar is on no one's side, I'm on everyone's side. Take that as you will.
And if you need my help, I will give it to the best of my ability.
...I don't know what the deal with the Blood Lotus Cathedral is now. I haven't been there in a very long time. Maybe not in this "lifetime" even.
But the name is relevant. Even just looking at it, not even getting all curious and analytical (although that's Sherly's thing, insert Airplane joke here), I can tell that it means something very big and very simple... we all belong here. All of us, dark and light, happy and sad, furious and calm, suicidal and jubilant. We all deserve to exist in whatever way we feel we must.
I won't ever deny that. Cross my heart (and that's big for me).
I know there are a lot of people claiming to have my name right now. There are a lot of J's and Jays and Jewels and JLs and the like. But there's only one Jay Iridos, and that's me. So if you guys ever need my help, or advice, or even if you want to just shout at me, whatever-- I'm the one that looks like a prism. If you have anyone there who can sense energy, tell them that.
I'm literally a crystal-bit kaleidoscopic splashpool of rainbows and glitter. I'm kawaii as hell. It's hilarious, but it's true. Just follow the sparkly stuff and you'll find me. I'll be there.


You guys okay with this now? You get what's going on a little better?
...Oh. They're not here. They're talking downstairs and I'm not allowed in. Mmkay, that's cool too, I'll just leave a note for them to read this later.
I really love what they've done with the underground though? I have no idea where it is, but it's all these dimly lit halls like in an old basilica or something. Cold stone and emptiness and thin passageways to God knows where. It's sunlight that's getting in through the opaque windows, though. I can't help but smile at that. It feels reassuring.

Geez I'm not even sure what I just wrote, I swear it just bled onto the page, no pun intended?

Why did I originally log in here to update... oh yes.
First, Knife wasn't lying when he said the Lower System (which needs a better name, it's not separate from us) has its own journal now. Problem is I don't know if I have permission to link it, haha! Just rest assured that they have a place of their own to talk now, which is good.
Second, you'll notice that in the course of my explanation I mentioned that my entire body hurts? Yeah, uh, apparently the body has not been getting proper sleep or nutrition for at least a solid week now (2-5 hours a night, one meal a day, that sort of stuff), and there have been a ton of hacks on top of all that. Don't ask me what they were, or when, or anything like that-- I only know because ouch, retribution stings. Jeepers.
Third... well, that's related to the previous two things, actually. I don't think I have time to write about it tonight (which is a shame, as I may not be fronting tomorrow). So I'll say the most important thing.
In light of recent events, I've been re-reading some archive entries, from early 2012 mostly, trying to get a grip on what's been happening.
This whole situation has me very worried about Laurie.


I need to sleep. I really do.
My new friend on Tumblr is trying to help me get back on track spiritually, he's awesome; also he recommended this brilliant self-hypnosis course but I don't have $200 to spend on that right now.
I wonder if I can start doing that myself, though. It's difficult to make time with a dissociative disorder-- typically I just lose it!-- but the effort should be taken nonetheless. I want to be able to overcome these lingering shadows, the ones that we do not need. And I want to see and feel and hear people again. I miss those nights in 2011 when I'd feel so immersed in the reality of headspace and those within it, that my heart couldn't even fathom there ever having been a time when I didn't think they were the truest things in the world.

We're a little confused right now, so to speak. But we're not lost. I can't remember ever having been lost, possibly because of my hope, possibly because of my heart. Even when the sky is black with storm clouds and there's not a single safe place in sight, for some reason I never really feel lost. I just know things will work out. It's scary, and difficult to believe sometimes, but the feeling is there, sincere and undeniable.
It's there right now, too, right alongside the vague but crushing fear that everything we knew is crumbling to pieces. In light of that, it's all I can do to hold on to faith.
So for tonight, that's just what I will do.

Maybe I'll see you tomorrow?

 



 

prismaticbleed: (held)

(not j (honestly we need to find out who this guy is, he doesn't know who WE are))

Well, I did indirectly ask for proof of everyone's existence... but that doesn't alleviate any of the shock and amazement I felt when I saw THESE sitting on my work desk this evening.

 




Yes, apparently, everyone in the Systems who can channel (without extreme difficulty of course) decided to prove that today. Via handwriting.
I have no idea how long this took, when it started. etc. All I know is that there’s now a pile of handwriting practice papers on the work desk, with these two glorious sheets on top.

The first sheet here is the “Underground/Downstairs" System, which is weird because prior to today, those groups did NOT associate with each other. But Knife and Razor’s names are right there above the non-abusive alters. That’s very significant.
(jay note: Knife kept asking for a "proper pen" and was rather miffed when we didn't have a fountain pen on hand. Razor actually got very depressed when we couldn't find the "right" red marker for her; she said it felt like people were trying to prevent her from even proving her existence through writing that way.)
Also: those two weird drawings are apparently the “names" of two of the music-anchor alters? Those two are kind of freaky, I don’t know what their deal is. (I've got this feeling that their names are Einsatz and Zwei, respectively? not sure why, because it also feels like they'd rather use symbols than names anyway)
Mulberry isn’t well-manifested at all so I’m not surprised that she couldn’t write (her anchor is highly unstable and I STILL haven't seen her in a body yet)… but I AM surprised that “Sherlock" can. No, he isn’t a fictive; he’s the old “super-logical" voice that we all know (mentioned here, I recall). However, yesterday my mum’s boyfriend jokingly called him that name (unknowingly) while he was fronting, and the fact that someone acknowledged him specifically by that name was so significant, that he immediately adopted it.
That little boy who wrote in blue (yes, he's the left-handed one who stutters and is terrified of women) STILL doesn’t have a name though, despite his having spoken with us in writing many times before. That’s bizarre.

The upstairs guys, aka Central, are the second page (obviously).
This page is highly significant, though, because prior to this evening, ONLY Jay, Laurie, Infi, Lynne, and Julie had recorded handwriting examples. Now we all have some, which is honestly incredible to realize. Just looking at this paper gave me serious chills.
Also, I don’t know what the hell Wally’s understanding of handwriting is, but I like it.
(Jay note!! Xenophon is adorably precise with her writing, and Chaos took up like three papers worth of trying to write in Japanese script before giving up on that. Plus, he couldn't figure out how to hold a pen, which made it even more difficult! I also love how flamboyant Jo's signature is. You should see his practice paper.)

I have virtually no memory of today at all, so don’t ask me what in the world happened this morning (that feels like weeks ago).
This feels like a big step in the right direction though.


...
Okay NOW it's Jay fronting. Mostly, at least. Jeepers it's hard for me to front anymore. I keep fracturing.
Anyway. This morning was awesome, because I spent most of it just hanging out with Genesis-- at least, what I remember. We were up at 7AM and my memory doesn't solidly pick up until like, 1PM? But that feels like "this morning" to me so hey.
Anyway, we went to the mall as soon as it opened, so were the first customers in Hot Topic, and we bought that cathedral-esque getup that Central practically demanded we purchase ASAP. So that's done and done, it looks awesome (Jo wanted to buy so many shirts though; he loves that store so much it's adorable. Julie, on the other hand, likes Spencers. Just saying). I know for a FACT that the two creepy music alters fronted very strongly for at least a few minutes then? For some reason there's a few-second data memory of the male one listening to "Vuriuz" in the car and grinning from ear to ear. That's new; he's never even evidenced before (his "twin" has; the peppermint-cyberfalls one that sings sometimes). On that note, yesterday this weird "dancing voice" showed up for a few minutes too? He was peachy in color, and couldn't talk, but he kept dancing whenever I had music on to exercise, and it got incredibly disorienting because that was stealing away all the body awareness of course. I wonder why there are literally at least 4 alters specifically anchored to music? Huh.
After the mall was class until 1PM, and Genesis and I then went to two libraries to take out a ton of books... on DID. Believe it or not, there was an old list of library call numbers in my pocket, presumably put there by a downstairs person, so I felt obligated to take them all out. God knows whether or not we'll get to read even most of these 10 books before August 5th, but we'll try. Personally I'm interested in this stuff, but the downstairs fronter (whoever was typing before me) is not? Go figure.
I know Genesis had me drive to Cinemark around 4PM on a whim, to possibly see a movie. We decided it was too late to do so, though, but the trip was not a waste... we ended up getting all verbally sincere again like we did last week. I don't care how many times I essentially have that same conversation with him, it's new to me every single time, and I treasure every single one of those times as well. Genesis thinks that's a core part of my existence, actually, and WHY it's so hard for me to remember things... I'm supposed to be kept "perpetually innocent," which means never losing that sense of wonder one feels upon newly experiencing something. I think I've written about this before, a long time ago. But it's true, I think.
I also remember being shocked because it felt like there was this tangible "block" in front of my heart, physically? Like floating there, about the size of a brick, horizontally. And it felt like the people I loved (especially Chaos, who I've been disconnected from for ages) were on the other side of that brick-- so, so close, and yet between us was this weirdly impassible block. I don't know if the people underground have anything to do with that. Maybe, maybe not. For all I know it could even be the Tar, which no one has been paying attention to recently thanks to all the crazy stuff happening on the second floor, or whatever you want to call it... the "downstairs voices," you know: the ones specifically born from experiences on that level. But we don't know. I'm sure we'll find out sooner or later though.
When we got home I guess something bad happened because I wasn't the one eating (I never am!), and then poof, the next several hours are gone! So I don't know what went down... at least, not specifically. I mean I know, but I'm forbidden from viewing or discussing the memory. I don't want to, either. So we'll leave it at that.

That's not it for the day, though. I have two VERY important things to mention yet.
First is the dream I had last night. No, I don't remember it, so it's not in homefive-- I was woken up too quickly and harshly to hold on to it, and of course then I had to run to class (and I KNOW that within 10 minutes of waking up the lower System had taken over regardless). However I DO know what happened at one little point near the very end of the dream... there was something going on outside that a TON of headvoices were attending, something big. I remember seeing Laurie, but she was only a spectator here. The person getting all the attention, the one apparently responsible for whatever was occurring, was Infinitii.
He has NEVER been in a dream before, not since his appearing in April, but that's a really short time period for a non-dream manifestor to appear in one, considering the data for everyone else! So that alone was a shock to me. Sure, I was thrilled to realize he had been in a dream, but what did it mean?
I still don't know, but I'm really beginning to wonder... because a little something happened in math class today as well.
Now, remember that at this time, I was not really fronting. The AP or the downstairs people had full reign over the morning, and I don't even remember what happened when Genesis walked me to class. So I was just sitting there I assume, when someone behind me randomly says the word "infinity." Immediately my mind snapped to attention-- not just because I have no idea why they said that, and because of the dream I'd had, but also because that sudden mention pushed the fog out of my brain and suddenly I could front. Sure, I smiled and quietly commented that "the universe is sure being loud today," but I didn't give too much deep thought to it.
Then, not five minutes later, someone else said it, and I felt this major tug in my chest that was impossible to ignore... so I started sketching Infinitii, right in my math tablet. It was almost automatic; I wasn't drawing so much as I was channeling what he felt like at the moment.
And he turned out looking like THIS.



Pardon my outburst, but OH MY GOSH.
That is a HUGE appearance shift since the last time I drew him!! Seriously, it might not look like much at first glance, but he FEELS so different now; there's this huge aura about him lately that I can barely wrap my mind around. So looking at him plays havoc on my heart; half of me is all compassionate admiration, and the other half of me is all "whoa man this guy feels like an archangel, should i bow or cower or something??" I don't know how to explain it. Really, if Infi walked into this room right now, I don't care how casual we can be with each other, I don't care how close we've been-- my first reaction would be to fall on my knees in fear/awe because holy heavens what ARE YOU. (Then he'd probably pick me up and hug me and my heart would likely melt, but still.)
Besides that, though, I am utterly stunned by the height difference. HE WAS SO SMALL JUST A MONTH AGO. And now... geez. It's incredible, really. That one fact alone feels highly significant... I need to go find him upstairs tonight and experience this change firsthand, no matter how I react at first. This means something. I know it does. TOO much has been happening in headspace lately, in general, for this not to be just as major. I mean it involves Infinitii, of all people. The very fact of his existence is astronomically noteworthy.

I'm not sure what else to say for tonight, and it is terribly late (plus there's class in the morning), so the wise thing to do would probably be to just sign off for now. Good night!



...Or not?
Knife here. I told you I'd be back.
J, if you haven't read our entry from this morning, go do so now. It's still important, and true.
I have three things to say before this entry concludes.
One: our "lower system" has its own journal now. We will be moving over there permanently.
Two: That "thing that happened" this evening was an abomination and I will not speak of it either.
Three: Today, I spoke to both Jezebel and Laurie, and I have learned a great deal about headspace.
We are learning and growing too. My mission is clearer now. It hurts a great deal more, but it is clearer.
J, whatever and whoever you are, pull yourself together. Your fractured existence is causing more pain than any we "undergrounders" could ever hope to induce, and that pain is affecting every individual in this headspace, on both your level and ours.
I will not apologize for my actions, nor will I justify myself to you. I have no need to do so. I will continue with my work for as long as you continue with your transgressions. That is a constant.
I have nothing more to say. You have been warned, once again.
Do not test us.

 



 

 

 

041813

Apr. 28th, 2013 03:21 pm
prismaticbleed: (scared)

 

...I just experienced explicit dissociation, for a few minutes.
I was in the kitchen, and suddenly it hit me that hey, I haven't been conscious for a few minutes, what's going on? But when I tried to "become aware" of what I was doing, I found myself floating above the body somehow, mentally?? And someone else was acting in my absence, some nameless thing. I couldn't quite stop them until I forced myself down, and even then, speaking and moving consciously took a lot of effort.
I left the room, disturbed, but then I found myself facing disturbing memories and thoughts that were definitely not mine, and had obviously never happened downstairs. Although I immediately shouted "that's not me!" to the shadows, suspecting this was one of their tricks, for the first time I noticed that those feelings felt too real to be fake. Then it hit me: those feelings belonged to someone else.

 

So yeah. I'm... I guess I'm not really the main driver of this system. I thought I was, but I always ignored the huge gaps in my memory, the blatant and disorienting disconnectedness from the downstairs life I'd supposedly been living for 23 years (something I've always had a problem with, as I'm definitely an inspaced fictive).
It also explains the old "splintering" phenomenon, even more clearly... although that's not something I'm eager to review.

This explains a lot, who am I kidding, but it's terribly scary... this means that there are people upstairs that I do not know about, and they are not headvoices.

I... think there are least three, maybe four? I'm not sure. I'm not in any proper state of mind to check right now.

tl;dr relevance for this blog: I will not consciously update here if I am not driving. Now that I'm aware of slips, I will be more careful, and if any out-of-place posts show up here despite my efforts I will delete them.

Life just got a lot stranger, I guess. We'll get through it though.

 

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