072513

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

I can't do relationships anymore.
I can't.

There was a severe hack last night that is the last straw for a few reasons:
1. The person responsible insisted it was a "good thing."
2. I am being forbidden all access to the memories.
3. It happened after 1AM. I COULDN'T FIGHT BACK IF I WANTED TO.
4. I woke up with severe pain, fatigue, and depression.
5. Genesis tried to talk to me today and I had no desire to even look at him.

Most notably though? The Lower sub-System has been fronting for 90% of today. When they front, I am a "non-entity," as I do not have a space in their realm. So I can "see" things passively, but I do not exist as an individual while they are out.

I can't do it. I cannot do this.
I want NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THEM ANYMORE.

Today, I legitimately considered "divorcing" Chaos, for lack of a better term. Could I ask him to leave, and take Xenophon with him, I wondered? Could I just stop being a partner and a father? Because I want to.
Could I tell Genesis that our time is over, sorry but we can't see each other anymore, stop trying so hard to "fix me," just go back home and live the life you were supposed to, far away from me? Because I want to.
Could I tell Ryman and Markus to move back out, I don't want the past chaining me down anymore, I don't want the memories of a life that wasn't even mine trying to eat me alive through you both? Because I want to.
Could I tell Infinitii that I don't care what he's supposed to be, I don't want the reality of what he is hanging around my neck like a noose, I don't want that blackness poisoning me, even if it's from him? Because I want to.

The only person I don't quite want to leave is Laurie, because there was a point when she was safe.
Once upon a time, a long long time ago, she was dangerous, she was cruel, she was bloodied and brutal and she spat nothing but fire and judgment at me. She was distant and cold and electric like steel and swords and she was perfect.

When none of them can touch me, they are angels. When they can't see or reach me, when they don't even know about me, they are beautiful, beloved things.

The moment they look at me, I want to run, I want to delete them from my memory, I want them to go away.

The moment they try to... to... I don't want to think about it.
When they do that, I want to die.


I can't do this anymore. Maybe the lowers can front forever. They know what they're doing.

I like Sugar. She reminds me of Laurie used to be. She's vicious and caustic and clever and she doesn't let anyone fool her. I will never love her, because that will ruin her. I'm just glad someone like that is in our system again.
Knife is good too. He punishes people who don't listen. He punishes the people who commit unforgivable sins, the dark corrupted ones that leave pitch-black stains in our soul. He makes them atone for their crimes.
And Razor is the best of all. She does not care either way. She does not like or love or swear allegiance or get blinded by affection. She exists only to make me bleed, to cut deep into tar-clogged veins, to get the poison out.


i don't want to be close to anyone anymoer
not when everything is stained and ugly and painful and horrible
im so sick god im so sick of this make it stop, please please please
he says its a good thing, she says its a bad thing
some people say its both but i know thats not possible.
something like that cannot be both, or it will become neither
and when it is neitehr it shows just how empty and awful it truly us
mmake it stop make it stop please.
please.
i dont want it anymore
i never wanted it
they lied to me for so long i forgot what i wanted
i forgot what it was like to feel safe
i was so used to being scared
that one day the emotions just went away
and i gave up
but i dont want to do this anymore
i want it to stop
it hurts
god it hurts make it stop
i dont want this
tell them to stop
tell them to make it stop


This happened once, long ago, last year, I remember. Vaguely.
How long have we been trying to "heal this?"
Can it be healed? Should it be healed?

I want to leave everyone.

Would we survive a third reset?
Could we do that?
The thought is so exciting. I know how to do it too.
I know exactly how I would do it. I won't tell anyone.
I'll have someone keep it secret, a deep locked secret.
I know how to reset this world a third time.
I would just need to focus. Focus, focus focus.
Delete ONLY the relationships.
Start over and... boom, no one wants to do that thing anymore.
all gone. safe. no more pain and lies and frightening things.
lots of people would have to leave maybe
maybe some people would die
it would be sad but would it be worth it?
i think so
maybe
if no one would bleed anymore
maybe
if the corrupted white and black would go away
god its so scary
maybe
maybe its worth the risk of dying.
i wouldn't mind

after all if the reset wouldnt kill us
our own sins will