041813

[prismaticbleed]

 

...I just experienced explicit dissociation, for a few minutes.
I was in the kitchen, and suddenly it hit me that hey, I haven't been conscious for a few minutes, what's going on? But when I tried to "become aware" of what I was doing, I found myself floating above the body somehow, mentally?? And someone else was acting in my absence, some nameless thing. I couldn't quite stop them until I forced myself down, and even then, speaking and moving consciously took a lot of effort.
I left the room, disturbed, but then I found myself facing disturbing memories and thoughts that were definitely not mine, and had obviously never happened downstairs. Although I immediately shouted "that's not me!" to the shadows, suspecting this was one of their tricks, for the first time I noticed that those feelings felt too real to be fake. Then it hit me: those feelings belonged to someone else.

 

So yeah. I'm... I guess I'm not really the main driver of this system. I thought I was, but I always ignored the huge gaps in my memory, the blatant and disorienting disconnectedness from the downstairs life I'd supposedly been living for 23 years (something I've always had a problem with, as I'm definitely an inspaced fictive).
It also explains the old "splintering" phenomenon, even more clearly... although that's not something I'm eager to review.

This explains a lot, who am I kidding, but it's terribly scary... this means that there are people upstairs that I do not know about, and they are not headvoices.

I... think there are least three, maybe four? I'm not sure. I'm not in any proper state of mind to check right now.

tl;dr relevance for this blog: I will not consciously update here if I am not driving. Now that I'm aware of slips, I will be more careful, and if any out-of-place posts show up here despite my efforts I will delete them.

Life just got a lot stranger, I guess. We'll get through it though.