the spectrum heart cathedral system

Today we went to the unit art show in the gym, and me & Laurie walked around together looking at art & eating cheese cubes & crackers & apple cider. It was genuinely so simply joyous.
THAT'S the life we want-- free, full of gratitude & wonder, lived TOGETHER in mutual love.

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Reading "The Gospel According to Jesus" this morning revealed something HUGE= Deep down, I "WANT" TO BE A "DOULOS"-- A SLAVE. One "whose VERY EXISTENCE is DEFINED BY her service to another" to whom she "BELONGS." Therefore "she LACKS PERSONAL FREEDOM/ RIGHTS" as "her HUMAN AUTONOMY is SET ASIDE" and "AN ALIEN WILL TAKES PRECEDENCE OVER HER OWN"-- she is "LEGALLY FORCED" to give "TOTAL, UNQUALIFIED SUBMISSION to the CONTROL & DIRECTIVES of a higher AUTHORITY" = her "MASTER," who DID NOT HAVE TO GIVE HER "WAGES" BECAUSE SHE WAS PROPERTY, "WITHOUT SOCIAL STANDING OR RIGHTS." A "doulos" is "DEPENDENT ON HER LORD," OBLIGATED TO SERVICE NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY LEGAL SUBJECTION. A slave HAS TO DO WHAT SHE IS TOLD, WHETHER SHE WANTS TO OR NOT, WHETHER SHE LIKES IT OR NOT. SHE CANNOT SAY "NO," EVER. SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO. And THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE MYSELF. WHY.
✳ TWO things: in TRUTH, my ONLY "LORD & MASTER" IS JESUS CHRIST. Literally NO ONE ELSE has authority over me. I am BOUND TO OBEY GOD ALONE. And GOD IS TRUTH & BEAUTY & LOVE. That's the SECOND thing: EVEN in my compulsive "slavery" mindset to PEOPLE, I LOVE THEM and so MY "SLAVERY" IS BY CHOICE AS LONG AS THAT ENDURES. This, however, causes TERRIBLE CONFLICT & FRIGHTFUL CONFUSION/ PARALYSIS when I "TRY TO BE A SLAVE TO TWO MASTERS." IF MOM wants one thing & GRANDMA wants another, or TBAS is in opposition to TAS, or even worse if ALL OF THEM ARE "GIVING CONFLICTING ORDERS"-- then WHO DO I SURRENDER MY WILL TO? WHOSE SLAVE AM I? Because technically I CAN'T "be OWNED by" them ALL... I CAN'T "BELONG TO" them all. AND PART OF ME "WANTS" TO, although the thought TERRIFIES her, because it REQUIRES that she "SET ASIDE her HUMAN AUTONOMY." I become SUBHUMAN inevitably-- an animal, an object, mere property-- but I'm "USEFUL." I'm "WANTED." I "BELONG" to someone. It's HEARTBREAKING as much as it's SICKENING. And the ONLY WAY OUT IS LITERALLY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST THAT ACTUALLY "BOUGHT ME". I BELONG TO GOD. And THEREFORE I MUST "SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD." NOT trying to please/ appease/ entertain people from my past. THAT'S the REAL truth. But... I feel like I'm "TRYING TO SELL MYSELF"???
✳ Continuing the "SLAVERY" topic BECAUSE THAT is POWERFULLY impacting/ directing our ENTIRE SCHEDULE. I think I'M somehow treating the FACT that "I BELONG TO GOD, AS A SLAVE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS" (ROM 6:18) with fatal misunderstanding/ imprudent application? Like I WANT & NEED my life to REVOLVE AROUND GOD, around the CATHOLIC CHURCH/ RELIGION that HE established & IN WHICH IS MY LIFE & SALVATION. But... I don't know how to "fit anything else in." "Nothing else IS needed," I think. "ONLY God is necessary." But AM I LIMITING GOD?? If I "can't eat until I pray/ adore/ go to Mass," and the hospital ORDERED me to eat MORE, how do I reconcile OBEDIENCE to BOTH, if GOD is BOTH PRIORITY AND the One Who PUT me under that lesser authority? If my body "NEEDS" to eat & sleep & exercise & work & play, but I feel COMPELLED AS A SLAVE to ONLY do explicitly religious activities to the EXCLUSION of "worldly" "needs," am I dishonoring God by "confining" Him AND worship of Him TO "only religious activities"? AND am I even ALLOWED to "cut down"/ alter my strict prayer schedule? Is it WRONG to want to go to the gym if it will conflict with Adoration AND breakfast? And what about creative work & journaling, if that time must be taken away from religious lectures? Do I HAVE to go to two Masses a day if that prevents me from eating? HOW DO I BALANCE BODY & SPIRIT? WHY AM I PUTTING THEM IN CONFLICT??

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✳ Okay dude let's TALK MEALPLANS because this is OUR RESPONSIBILITY IN RECOVERY.
✳ LAVENDER BK needs 3 FRUITS. In general, ALL the plans MANDATE 6-8 SERVINGS OF FRUIT PER DAY!!! So, on the unit, to avoid too much volume at once (esp. with fiber) we will HAVE to do JUICE. That can actually be COOL because we can COMBINE them and see what results, haha. Just be prudent, not stupidly "bingey" in making "SLOP" out of DISTINCT WHOLE FOODS. You have the SAME PROBLEM WITH CONDIMENTS. Seriously, for FREEDOM & HONOR'S SAKE, STOP ADDING BUTTER & MAYO & SALAD DRESSING TO EVERYTHING and JUST ENJOY FOOD PLAIN, LIKE YOU WANT!
✳ We're in a cottage cheese loop with ALL meals & we SHOULD vary that with an EGG once daily. But SHOULD we eat the string cheese stick? Because we're avoiding it due to 1) overprocessing & 2) I don't want to "become that food," or rather, "take on" the "image" of "the KIND OF PERSON" who eats plastic-wrapped cheese products. It's a "BAD" vibe; it feels GROSS & SICK & ARTIFICIAL. We want to be the "kind of person" who eats WHOLE FOODS, NOT THE "CHEAP/ PROCESSED" STUFF that, to us, FEELS LIKE BINGE FOOD? Because THAT action "DENATURED" real food into SLOP, and processed food is "already closer to nonfood" than a "real" item like the egg OR cottage cheese (minimal, clean ingredients). BUT ARE WE JUDGING TOO MUCH?? Honestly I THINK SO. We're NOT FREE to MEET ALL OCCASIONS GOD OFFERS TO US, and NOT FREE to SHARE in ALL HUMAN EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD, IF WE REJECT/ REFUSE "WHAT WE ARE GIVEN/ SHARING IN" out of ALOOF/ PROUD/ FEARFUL MORAL JUDGMENT. THAT is DISORDERED.
✳ This begs the question: ARE WE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE THE "HEALTHIER"/ "CLEANER" (RESO) OPTION IF THE ALTERNATIVE IS A FOOD ON THAT "COMPULSIVE" LIST, TIED TO OTHER PEOPLE? MUST WE ALWAYS CHOOSE THE "CHALLENGE/ OBLIGATORY" OPTION IF IT WOULD "MAKE US FEEL SICK/ UNSATISFIED/ SHAKEN"? IS THAT SELFISH? IS THAT A SIN PUNISHABLE BY DEATH? There was PIZZA & POT PIE on the menu and we DIDN'T CHOOSE THEM because PIZZA is tied to LOTS of upsetting memories (esp. CNC, & childhood pizza parties/ social panic) And SO IS the POT PIE (binges, poverty), and honestly we DON'T "LIKE" EITHER. DO WE? ARE WE ALLOWED TO "DISLIKE" FOOD? Are we going to pay in blood for this? WHY CAN'T WE GET OVER THIS COMPULSION/ FEAR??? IF I DON'T LIKE salty sausage & kielbasa, IS THAT "EVIL" OF ME if PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT DO LIKE IT??
✳ AND HOW DOES THIS AFFECT MY ACTUALLY LIKING FOODS? THAT gives me the SAME FEELING OF PANICKED FEAR & EXPECTING BRUTAL PUNISHMENT. IS THIS THE "SLAVE MIND" TOO?? "I HAVE NO RIGHT TO LIKE ANYTHING "OF MYSELF"??" "I AM OBLIGATED TO ONLY LIKE WHAT MY "OWNERS" (CONTROLLERS) LIKE"? HOW DO I "ADMIT/ ASSERT" MY "OWN" "LIKES" WITHOUT SIN? WHY IS ENJOYING SOMETHING OF MY OWN EXPERIENCE A SIN? WHY IS PERSONAL PREFERENCE A SIN??? WHY IS ANYTHING RELATING TO "MY" "UNIQUE" EXISTENCE & "AUTONOMY" A DAMNABLE SIN??? Why am I "not allowed" to have any "self-related" action or thought whatsoever?
✳ AND ONCE AGAIN, LO AND BEHOLD, THE SYSTEM CAN DEAL WITH THIS. We have lotophagoi. We choose TOGETHER. We REASON out our decisions FOR OUR COMMON GOOD & the CARE of OUR BODY & MIND, WHILE RESPECTING OTHERS. Yes the fears ↑ are STILL THERE & we NEED to discuss & feel & work through them TOGETHER, and we WILL & WANT TO, but AS we untangle & heal that, WE CAN & DO STILL FUNCTION IN LOVE. That DEFINES us & it's the ONLY THING that will sustain us through this, that & GOD'S GRACE IN THAT LOVE AS HE LOVES & GUIDES US. Please, keep reminding ourself of that. Do NOT drown in the fears & lies. Clear your eyes & mind BY this love & KEEP GOING.

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✳ We had to choose mealplan foods today & it took me almost 2 HOURS because I kept worrying that my choices were somehow "WRONG." I kept feeling like I "HAVE TO" eat bananas for breakfast "BECAUSE" I don't "like" them & THEREFORE I MUST "GO THROUGH CONVERSION THERAPY" basically. It's FORCEFEEDING UNTIL I "ENJOY IT." THAT'S RAPE-ANALOGOUS BEHAVIOR. I'm "NOT ALLOWED" to have apples instead because I "LIKE" them? Or DO I? How do I trust/ accept that? AND am I making the WRONG choice by having an apple INSTEAD of an orange? Which is wiser? I'm terrified that I made a stupid decision & now I CAN'T FIX IT, which translates as "PUNISHMENT FOR SIN" & just corrupts innocent foods in my mangled perception. STOP. Put it in Jesus's Hands. I have apples with breakfast because it's nice to start the day with their clean crunch & they're faster/ cleaner to eat which allows for earlier completion so we can get coffee. And we eat oranges with lunch because they often pair well with the entree (esp. fish). But... we can easily try switching them & see how that works FOR US. We're STILL GETTING NUTRITION. But... I feel so guilty about the bananas. I just "panic" because having them WITH waffles & syrup is just too much sugar bro. BUT IS THAT "LETTING FEAR CONTROL ME"?? I'll have to man up & have one EVERY OTHER DAY from now on, to keep up variety & "get used to them." I really DON'T WANT to see them as "DANGEROUS" because they're NOT. So we'll heal that, thank You God for showing us this. BUT it's the FRUIT FEAR in general, which we MUST face in the higher mealplans WITH LOVE, because FRUIT = EDEN, remember! It's GOOD! So we MUST get to a place where we CAN CHOOSE FREELY from a VARIETY of EQUALLY GOOD/ COMFORTABLE (IDEAL GOAL) OPTIONS, WITHOUT FRAMING IT AS A "MORAL JUDGMENT" OR "SLAVE COMPULSION"!!! We NEED to be JOYFULLY FREE. And that WILL INCLUDE BANANAS, AND JUICE! It WON'T "KILL US" OR "MAKE US DIABETIC." Food is MEDICINE and ESPECIALLY FRUITS & VEGETABLES & WHOLE FOODS. CREATION IS GOOD. FOOD IS GOOD. STOP LABELING FOODS AS "WRONG" OUT OF MORAL PANIC. And STOP RELIVING TRAUMA THROUGH FOOD; THAT'S ABUSING IT AND YOURSELF. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" WHEN THAT'S THE INTENTION!!!

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✳ "Positive affirmations" are SO DIFFICULT because "if they AREN'T "ABSOLUTE" & UNWAVERING, then they're LIES"??? Like the best I can do is say "I TRY to/ WANT to be good" in countless ways. BUT ironically that "minimizes" the times I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN kind/ honest/ merciful/ helpful/ etc.? And the MORE I STRIVE, the EASIER & MORE FREQUENT such REAL GOODNESS BECOMES. And yet ALL IT TAKES is ONE moment of weakness where I act "badly" and it corrupts EVERYTHING. It's "all or nothing" morality and it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVEN SCRIPTURE SAYS SO!!! THAT DOESN'T "DOOM" US THOUGH BECAUSE OF CHRIST'S MERCIFUL LOVE. YOU GET TO TRY AGAIN. YOU GET TO BE FORGIVEN. YOU GET TO GROW INTO HOLINESS DAILY.
✳ "Affirmations" should DESCRIBE the GRACE-FILLED IDEAL GOAL OF SAINTHOOD, that you ARE CALLED TO & ENABLED TO BY THE HOLY SPIRIT WHO WANTS YOU TO BE THAT SAINT-SELF HE MADE YOU TO BE. So affirmations are ACTUALLY THE OPPOSITE of lies, because affirmations SPEAK THE TRUTH OF GOD'S DESIGN & PLANS FOR ME, & HELP ME TO "TUNE MYSELF" TO THEIR SONG.
✳ WORDS ARE CHRIST'S POWER & GIFT SO DON'T LET THE DEVIL ABUSE THEM (BLASPHEMY)!!! SPEAKING VIRTUE INTO MY LIFE, "ACTUALIZING" THEIR POTENTIAL, IS SPIRITUAL COMBAT!!
✳ "YOUR FAITH HAS SAVED YOU." YOU NEED TO TRUST THE GOOD WORDS & GOOD NEWS!! ALL THOSE NEGATIVE BEATDOWNS ARE UNWORTHY OF TRUST BECAUSE THEY ACTIVELY PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING IN THE TRUTH OF YOUR DEEPEST IDENTITY AS A SAVED CHILD OF GOD. (and WHY are you saved? Because you LOVE GOD & BELIEVE JESUS LIVES & TRUST HIM AS LORD) (btw CHRIST WANTS TO SAVE YOU. He will NEVER turn you away. So KEEP RUNNING BACK TO HIM.)

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✳ IS IT "OKAY" TO EAT "JUNK FOODS" (like poptarts for snack option) OR WILL THAT "CHANGE OUR VIBE/ IDENTITY" TO BE "JUNK"??? We feel like we HAVE to eat EVERY snack option ESPECALLY if it "scares us" = "is unhealthy." BUT we NEVER SEEM TO "GET OVER" THE FEAR, which MEANS there's a DEEPER ROOT to ALL of it, and it's the FEAR OF CORRUPTION/ PARASITIC REPLACEMENT VIA INGESTION. Basically "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT." THAT IS THE CORE FEAR when you get all the way down, and it is EXPLICITLY TIED TO SEXABUSE/ "OWNERSHIP" = "I MUST EAT ONLY & WHATEVER THEY EAT, SO THAT I WILL LOSE MY SELF AND BECOME THEM." BECAUSE "THEY OWN ME" & I CANNOT BE "IN OPPOSITION TO" THEIR "AUTHORITATIVE WILL." A SLAVE MUST CONFORM. THIS IS WHY I "HUNT FOR FOOD" WHEN I GO INTO HOUSES-- I'VE BEEN PLACED UNDER "NEW AUTHORITY" & I "MUST REPLACE MY SELF WITH THEIRS" BY EATING WHAT THEY EAT-- and "you ARE what you eat"-- so I'M PREEMPTIVELY CONFORMING MY SENSE OF SELF TO THEIRS, even symbolically. BUT EATING ALSO ECHOES SEX, and the very act of eating makes me ALREADY feel VULNERABLE/ INVADED/ TAKEN OVER BY FORCE? It's a means of "making me ready to be used"/ "to BE eaten." It's hard to put into words. BUT if I'm "WILLINGLY" EATING YOUR FOOD, I'M "SAYING" THAT I'M "READY TO BE USED/ TAKEN OVER/ OWNED BY YOU." I'm DELETING MYSELF & REPLACING IT WITH YOURS VIA FOOD. And my manic babbling "to entertain" the whole time is a direct result of that. I'm SCARED and I have to DROWN OUT MY SELF with NOISE/ DISTRACTION SO I DON'T FIGHT BACK/ RESIST. The food is COMPULSIVE/ ABUSIVE/ DEPERSONALIZING & SO IS THE TALKING. It's a LIVING HELL and it NEEDS TO STOP OR WE WILL DIE, BOTH PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY!!!

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✳ It is VERY DIFFICULT for me to do ANYTHING for "self-care" WITHOUT STILL TRYING TO DIRECT IT OUTWARDS TO CARE FOR OTHERS!! Like I view EVEN PERSONAL HYGIENE ultimately as something I MUST DO FOR OTHER PEOPLE. It's like all other motivations are null. If they're not serving somebody else, they're invalid. I apparently see myself as... well. As INHERENTLY PLURAL. Go figure. EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO THAT. When I DENY/ IGNORE/ SUPPRESS the System, MY WHOLE LIFE FALLS TO PIECES. And, yes, THEY KEEP ME RELIGIOUS, TOO. I'm MORE FAITHFUL WITH THEM then ALONE (NO COMMUNION).

post-breakfast//

BONUS OMELET! ♥ They're slowly losing the misapplied anxiety, thank God, but they NEED a solid positive reassociation, which they currently lack. Still, we DID do that for two OTHER foods this morning, using yesterday's powerful League-imagining technique:
+ KAETO loves strawberry PopTarts. They're fast, bright, warm, sweet, uncomplicated, fun, & a little childish-- just like she likes to be. Even their colors (Red & SPRINKLES) are 100% her vibe. With all her running about & impatient streak, they're typically the only breakfast she'll get!
+ NIKEISHA enjoys green tea. In contrast to Kaeto's fire, she-- like a plant-- savors it slowly, mindfully, with its slightly bitter-earth undertone and green glow. I think she sips it as she studies, and/or tends to the greenery I always see filling her living space/ environment?
★ The taste data for BOTH DIDN'T EVEN REGISTER at first-- I personally had NO positive associations known for either, ONLY negative ones, PLUS the "personal dissonance" ACTUALLY HINDERED INPUT, like two "out of sync" soundwaves cancelling each other out!! BUT!! Once we "intuitively found/ tapped into" LEAGUE resonance, the data LOCKED IN, finally being ABLE to VIA the new, powerfully resonant & SOLID foundations-- which were BOTH POSITIVE AND PERSONALLY UNINVASIVE??? THAT is a FASCINATING & KEY aspect to the League resonance ties: even though they are VASTLY different than my own, they STILL have anchors in MY heart & mind, WITHOUT impinging on the integrity of MY personal/ historical identity-- something Nousfoni often CAN DO, because we SHARE a body/ psyche, therefore making confusion/ overlap tragically inevitable (AND potentially traumatic, as the TBAS days proved). It's such an intriguing distinction-- the League & Spectrum BOTH emanate from MY soul, BUT I don't identify with the League, whereas I DO with the Spectrum. Again, it feels like that distinction is born FROM the "self" association (FROM vs OF??), AND explains WHY INSPACERS ALWAYS SEEM TO CORRUPT!! THAT'S what happened with Justice!!! So yeah this is ANOTHER game-changer; thank You God for guiding us, and revealing this!!
+ Back to breakfast-- we don't "like" sugar, BUT do seem to like the molasses still, despite trauma?? It's still unclear, but we KNOW that personally I don't "like" white sugar. See, THAT'S where the League/ Spectrum differentiation becomes most clear: if an "opinion" or "aspect" contrary to MY OWN is encountered BUT NOT ANCHORED INTO THE LEAGUE, it roots into the SYSTEM AS A POTENTIAL SOCIAL, further "denaturing" our core identity BY "PREVENTING" INDIVIDUALITY IN THE BODY-- "switching" TO "MATCH" EXTERNAL VARIATIONS then becomes the instinctive "norm," a form of "toxic coping" that sees LOSS OF "SELF" as the ONLY way to SURVIVE CONFLICT with the outside world??? BECAUSE WE CANNOT HONESTLY ACCEPT OR EVEN PROPERLY UNDERSTAND "DISLIKE," WITHOUT IMPOSING A MORAL "JUDGMENT" ON INHERENTLY "NEUTRAL" THINGS LIKE FOOD!!! To our psyche, "dislike" should & DOES ONLY APPLY TO SIN. To "dislike" something GOD CREATED based on our own stupid "unique vibe" IS A SIN, as it's a form of SELF-IDOLATRY & REJECTION OF "WHAT IS" ACCORDING TO GOD'S PLAN & WILL!!! So, in our mind, we CANNOT dislike ANYTHING... unless it's a sin. We can dislike a violent movie, but NOT the color yellow, OR the taste of chocolate, WITHOUT "LABELING" THEM AS "BAD" in order to "resolve" the debilitating moral confusion & guilt & panic we get FROM that dislike. Which becomes UNBEARABLE & TRAUMATIC when we THEN STILL HAVE TO EAT THEM-- triggering our "CONTAMINATION PANIC" at the perceived horror of therefore LITERALLY "SWALLOWING SIN" and thus BECOMING SIN-- AND expressing implicit APPROVAL of it THROUGH that ingestion-- that demonic mockery of true communion. THAT'S why we are SO DESPERATE to "LIKE" ALL FOODS, NO EXCEPTIONS, because that is the ONLY way to prevent this moral collapse of a process, one that we are doomed to endure EVERY time we eat, until that ultimate goal is achieved. ONLY THROUGH GRACE, KIDDO, so MAKE SURE YOU PRAY and TRUST GOD instead of vainly relying on your own data/ logic/ efforts/ etc. I'm just human. Without God's grace working in & FOR me, I AM DOOMED TO FAIL, simply because I'M NOT GOD and GOD IS LIFE/ LOVE and I can ONLY have those BY HAVING GOD!! That's actually a JUBILANT HOPE, so hold to it & work ACCORDING to it!! God WANTS to help you, so LET HIM IN TO DO SO. ♥
+ Oatmeal, oddly, for the record, IS out vibe?? Well, MY vibe, which I NEED to distinguish. Yes, we're a System, but the Nousfoni that DO eat (ONLY SOCIALS!!) have DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT & DISTINCT VIBES IN ORDER TO FUNCTION/ SURVIVE, so saying "OUR" is actually invalidating & damaging & rejecting the ACTUAL resonances of BOTH them & myself!!! BUT a fascinating note-- they ALL can "sympathize" WITH the CORE'S "vibe" as like-able, NOT passing the moral judgment? Just like I can with THEIR likes. STILL, their EXCLUSIVE INTEGRITY MUST BE MAINTAINED, because ANY & ALL VIBE DISSONANCE TRIGGERS THE MORAL PANIC by forcing a "paradox" in which two "clashing" resonances are futilely being forced into an impossible attempt at harmony? But honestly it hurts my head to even think about. IT'S A BROKEN SYSTEM. There IS no "moral" nature to foods!!! THAT'S why ALL OF THIS NEEDS TO BE REASSIGNED TO THE LEAGUE, NOT THE SPECTRUM!!!! Otherwise I'll NEVER heal from this disordered mindset & thus I'll KEEP "splitting" into hyperspecialized Socials that not only perpetuate that distorted "either/ or" thinking but BY that, also PREVENT ME FROM EVER REALISTICALLY RE-UNIFYING & RESTORING MY TRUE, HISTORICAL, WHOLE SELF!!! The moral panic might still occur, BUT by utilizing the LEAGUE to ELIMINATE CONDEMNATION, then by God's grace I CAN HEAL. That will never happen via dissociation. Shattering my psyche to "BE OTHER PEOPLE" in order to "survive" the "inescapable" moral panic IS ACTUALLY PERPETUAGINT TRAUMA BEHAVIOR, AND DISRESPECTING/ DENYING GOD'S PLAN & INTENTION FOR ME AS A UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL, WHO WAS MADE TO LIVE FOR GOD, NOT IN IMITATING OTHER PEOPLE!!! And for the record, GOD DOESN'T FRACTURE PSYCHES. Ultimately, to be BRUTALLY honest, the ONLY way the SPECTRUM/ SYSTEM ITSELF CAN SURVIVE is if it JOINS THE LEAGUE and DETACHES ENTIRELY FROM MY SENSE OF SELF. Otherwise, I'll forever be pulled in a million different directions, and I'll NEVER be able to LIVE in EITHER the present moment OR in this body-- MY body, GOD'S GIFT TO ME!!!

post-breakfast//

We were hopeful & brave this morning & emulated a DINER BREAKFAST. We had COFFEE, we put KETCHUP on the eggs, AND we put SYRUP on the French Toast-- and ONLY cut it into 8 pieces! We ate like an AVERAGE JOE and it was actually really nice! Being so determined to "eat in a way that allows/ facilitates common community" made it EASIER to forgive ourselves for the (unfortunately) "inevitable" humiliations of spilling salt (don't be superstitious!!) & pepper (packets do tear), and getting ketchup & syrup on our hands (STILL a HUGE trauma trigger, BUT--) because including OURSELF in the "everyday person" group, NOT some "reject/ unusual outsider/ outlier" meant we COULDN'T hold ourself to a spotless, impeccable, pristine, undefiled, immaculate, "GOOD" but superhuman standard. We THOUGHT that perfectionism would "make us holy" by protecting/ insulating us from DIRT/ FILTH/ IMPURITY/ CONTAMINATION/ POISON, both physically & spiritually, BUT it ultimately just promoted antisocial behavior, fueled our OCD fears, and stoked the fatal fire of PRIDE. Our "separation" from "the unclean/ immoral" was a Pharisaical false ideal, utterly merciless, callous, and INHERENTLY ANTI-CHRISTIAN!!! So it MUST STOP. The only problem is that, especially with today's DIRECT experience of it, such a "slackening of standards" is felt & perceived as MORAL LAXITY, as "giving in to sin" and "boorish sloveliness." Even though we WANT to be a part of the community, our darned pride has us SCARED of "MORAL CONTAMINATION" if we associate with people who, "God forbid," watch sitcoms or read Harry Potter or admire celebrities or listen to Top 40 or who aren't afraid to spill pancake syrup on their shirt because "I'll just wash it later." They don't seem to even FATHOM the "possible threat to their integrity & purity" BY that syrup escaping its proper context, and BY that "distortion of definition"-- food ONLY exists AS food when in the PROPER context of container or containment-- it is horribly & instantly malformed, becoming DIRT, filth, mess, SIN. Syrup on your shirt means YOU destroyed its proper purpose-- YOU removed it from orderly function and CORRUPTED its very nature! YOUR STICKY SHIRT IS A PROOF OF YOUR DEPRAVITY; IT IS A PREVIEW OF HELL, WHERE ALL IS UNCLEAN!!!! So you see even further our ridiculous hypocrisy. Just like those pitiable Pharisees, we are SO afraid to admit OUR even acknowledge our OBJECTIVE sinfulness, because WE DON'T HAVE ANY HOPE OF MERCY. And that is BOTH FATAL AND UNTRUE. Christ IS Truth, and He IS MERCY!!! Yet... we are SO SCARED of the appalling DEPTH of our depravity that admitting it FEELS LIKE DAMNATION-- we are hopelessly FILTHY. We forget the Cross, the sign of salvation from the WORST of sins, provided we ADMIT & BRING & SHOW them to Christ Crucified, Who ALONE can wash us clean and TRULY PURIFY us, OVER & OVER FOREVER, through the FOUND OF MERCY of HIS PIERCED HEART, the most blessed & beautiful & PURE spring of BLOOD & WATER that flows ETERNALLY and ABUNDANTLY. Jesus doesn't care if you spill the entire bottle of syrup over yourself; GO TO HIM LIKE THAT, SHAMED & CONTRITE BUT TRUSTING IN HIS MERCY WITH ALL HOPE, and HE WILL WASH YOU COMPLETELY CLEAN!! THAT'S why He ate with sinners, with filthy gross unclean shameful prostitutes & gluttons like ourselves. He CAN & WILL HEAL THEM AND US, if His Mercy is met with hope & repentance!! And we ARE sorry, UNBEARABLY sorry, but we need HOPE. God CAN clean up even our dirt. And once we trust that, we need not despair at "inevitable ACCIDENTAL spills" anymore.
This is like the ROOT of ALL our problems here in a real sense, AND it's the STRONGEST ROOT of trauma consequence, the biggest obstacle preventing us from even LOOKING at it, let alone admitting it or coping with it. We're so terrified of the "contamination" being both SO thorough and SO heavily imposed that it is INDELIBLE, UNHEALABLE. We foolishly overestimate sin's power, but oh thank GOD to at least subconsciously know that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, EVEN OVER TRAUMA, and no matter WHAT the devil does, OR how brutally and horrifically the demons may damage you and others, THEY HAVE ALREADY LOST. Their efforts are DOOMED TO FUTILITY. Listen, sincerely-- GOD IS LOVE, LIFE, & TRUTH. Literally ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that harms/ hinders life, rejects/ distorts truth, AND/OR abuses love in ANY WAY, is OBJECTIVELY IMPERMANENT and CANNOT last forever-- unless, through free will alone, we CHOOSE to hold onto it INSTEAD of the ultimate reality of GOD-- Who IS mercy & forgiveness & peace & purity & healing & hope! THAT IS WHAT'S REAL. Yes, trauma DID happen, but it's inherently transitory BECAUSE IT'S NOT OF GOD!! So please, anchor that truth DEEP in your heart, and cling to the Cross, and even in the deepest misery you WILL find refuge & consolation & forgiveness & restoration. GOD LOVES YOU.
★ But... even then, my biggest fear seems to be my free will, the ONLY stamped ticket to hell. AM I choosing TO be filthy & impure, BY "relaxing" my moral standards around food?? The Holy Spirit is firmly, insistently saying "NO" in my heart. MARK 7:15-23 sums it up. AND ACTS 11:7-9!!! Literally NO food OR secular exposure can corrupt my soul-- ONLY if I CHOOSE to be wicked, licentious, covetous, deceptive, foolish, greedy, conniving, judgmental, bitter, ARROGANT, or any other sinful thing! NOTHING OUTSIDE CAN MAKE ME CHOOSE THOSE SINS. That means that ALL apparently non-sinful contexts ARE "SAFE" to an extent? Of course I MUST avoid ALL occasions AND temptations TO sin, BUT I CANNOT condemn external things FOR my sin-- ONLY my OWN moral weakness, ignorance, and confusion. Getting ketchup on my hands WON'T sent me to hell, and such "messiness" IS NOT an "external proof" of internal "corruption"; THAT'S YOUR GUILTY CONSCIENCE talking!!!
★ Honestly, I'm not actually afraid to eat with OR associate with other people. If I shared breakfast with someone and they dropped their whole plate on their lap, I'd HELP them clean up and REASSURE them it was okay and "NOT a problem" and I DIDN'T "think poorly of them" and I wouldn't care if I got my hands dirty, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE FROM CHARITY!!! The ONLY things I'm afraid of is my OWN "purity" being destroyed-- ALREADY a proud assumption-- BUT this example seems to suggest that, paradoxically, OTHER PEOPLE ARE PURE AND INCORRUPTIBLE??? Like even on the previous page, ALL my "contamination fears" spring from AN ALREADY 'CONTAMINATED" SELF; we were the ONLY one CAPABLE of doing the damnable things-- SEEING others "be normal/ lax in behavior" DIDN'T DAMN THEM, but was a TEMPTATION TO SIN IN OURSELVES, because if WE did those things, it WOULD REQUIRE BETRAYING OUR OWN MORAL STANDARDS, even by accident. It's hell. If I spill the syrup it's a REVELATION of my moral hypocrisy & sinful nature/ past, an uncovering of shame, a death sentence to a criminal now damned by solid evidence. I FEAR seeing others spill it because it REMINDS me of what I'm terrified of, BUT I would NEVER impute actual guilt to them. I am the sinful one. They ONLY spilled it BECAUSE of me and MY overwhelming guilt. Like, I'd IMMEDIATELY think, "oh no, now they're suffering the guilt of MY sin because I didn't confess it (properly)/ repent (truly)/ admit my own wretchedness!" And I PANIC, TERRIFIED, like the syrup itself is the guillotine looming. It's STILL EGOCENTRIC ARROGANCE!!! The CHRISTIAN thing to do would be to FORGET about myself COMPLETELY, and serve that person's needs with COMPASSION-- gentleness, consideration, mercy, kindness, patience, SELFLESS SERVICE & ATTENTIVE CONCERN!!! But you CANNOT do ANYTHING virtuous with SUCH A TORTUROUSLY GUILTY CONSCIENCE. The only hope of release is to GO TO CONFESSION, and be BRUTALLY HONEST ABOUT EVERYTHING. Put ALL that ancient horrid filth in Christ's Hands. Stop burying it in denial, stop hiding it in shame, stop denying it in despair! Doing that only PERPETUATES it, and IMPRISONS you in misery! LET GO AND LET GOD WASH YOU CLEAN IN HIS BLOOD. HE CAN AND WILL PURIFY YOU, AT LONG LAST.


Some additional breakfast notes:
+ French toast NEEDS time to chew AND CUT; the crust is super firm/ chewy. Don't rush OR crawl; be mindful.
+ Be prudent w/ syrup! Only use half the container, if that (we did). Too much is dangerous, both physically (sugar rush) and mentally (addiction), EVEN spiritually (intemperance/ indulgence)! BUT it IS proper/ allowed TO use, because it is a COMMON/ AVERAGE/ "INTENDED" combo w/ the toast, and we don't want to fear OR despise/ judge common food!
★ It's OKAY to "like" a food, esp. a sweet one OR other "forbidden/ morally dangerous" item. FOOD ISN'T EVIL, AND IT CANNOT CORRUPT YOU. Even syrup, eaten IN A VIRTUOUS MANNER, with gratitude to God, can be used for Good!!
+ Coffee is bitter, remember! But it's not scary. It's a FAMILY food, shockingly-- I think ONLY Diamond doesn't regularly drink it. So there is DEEP affection there, & being ABLE to now participate in that common unitive experience is a real blessing.
★ I don't know if we should try adding ONE sugar (plus our 2 creamers); if only to overcome that "moral judgment" we still sadly hold about sugar. Remember grandma always took 3 SUGARS, and her moral integrity was unaffected! Same to you, IF you LET GO of that condemning attitude towards GOD'S CREATION AND PEOPLE! I don't want to give ANY power to sxtrauma anymore. EVEN SUGAR IS INNOCENT. Don't force it if it's not wise/ proper/ prudent for your situation/ state/ obedience, BUT don't condemn OR fear it, either. Trust God! He rules over ALL things!!
+ Eggs + JUST ketchup = MORE CAMPER MEMORIES??? That is blowing my mind!! But it's specifically NOT the VFW OR hose company-- THOSE have the PEPPER!!! This is fascinating. And I love feeling my history as REAL again. Plain, they're ONE SUGAR PACKET AWAY from being EASTER CHEESE, pretty much! Their texture is SO LOVELY. And they taste NOTHING like an omelet! Their focus is yolk; omelets are more milk?? We'll find out. But THANKS FOR EGG, GOD ♥



post-lunch//

NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ We ate the burger in ONE direction, NOT "circling" around the center, AND resisted that old compulsion to "save the (allegedly) best bit (center) for last," instead trusting God & gratefully treating/ experiencing the ENTIRE burger! It's peppery & mushroomy, with bits of carrot, bell pepper, onion, & water chestnut; it's NICE with the cheese and the texture IS good!! It is just VERY dense, and slightly rubbery, so it REQUIRES small bites & thorough chewing (~20m). We had no trouble there, again thanks to patiently trusting Jesus.
★ We STARTED w/ the applesauce, and got nothing but vague unease UNTIL we closed our eyes to turn OFF sensory input overrides of internal data-- and IMMEDIATELY got a powerful memory association of SUNDAY DINNERS w/ family, applesauce & pork chops on our plate, dreadfully anxious. WHAT happened at/ around family dinners that has little us SO UPSET? She's bracing for impact, almost-- waiting for "inevitable disaster" to hit. We imagined the family reassuring her, stating their love, AND promising that "if we ever DO fight, we will ALWAYS forgive & make peace after, AND we still/ always love you/ each other." She was comforted a little but not consoled? Now wanted to CRY, feeling safe enough TO do so. Reason still unknown. Not even tied TO the food; she just lost her appetite from nerves, & was sick/ miserable at the thought of being FORCED to eat it, while feeling like that. THAT'S a "POISONING" fear root-- like the chocolate milk incident!! She'd be burying/ suppressing her sadness/ fear and then SWALLOWING it down, making the APPLESAUCE a "fear food" by such explicit association! WEIRDLY the pork chops AREN'T-- or rather, THEY are only scary as a CONCEPT!! Their presence WITH the "swallowable fear" food made their future presence scary, BUT!! MEAT HAS TO BE CUT UP & CHEWED, and those "subtly violent" actions PROBABLY HELPED VENT/ EXPRESS THE FRUSTRATED ANXIETY that was otherwise being choked down without any possible resistance (i.e. chewing, cutting)!!! THAT'S HUGE. I must add, though-- the thought of being ALONE w/ grandma, at our young age, and HER "feeding" us the applesauce, ISN'T SCARY?? So there's a LOT to think upon/ feel out here!
+ THE PUDDING TASTED EXACTLY LIKE THE CREAM SAUCE GRANDMA WOULD MAKE FOR THE FLUFFY RHUBARB CAKE. Oh my goodness that meant SO MUCH to us; thank You God!! We FORGOT that was even a thing, and ALL our memories OF that dessert are, monumentally, PURELY POSITIVE!!! That is almost UNHEARD OF for food memories, especially desserts (due to shame/ fear/ guilt)!! But this one is actually joyful. And realizing the memory today, it hit us so hard... WITHOUT this EXACT identically flavored food being able to relive that memory... we could NEVER experience it again. When grandma went home to God, she took ALL her baking with her. Those lovely memories are forever past, now... or at least, literally so. But God, in His great compassion, has given us the totally unexpected & heartachingly beautiful opportunity, however small, TO touch those experiences again even now, to tangibly re-live not only our childhood but also our love-- a chance to feel it with powerfully bittersweet directness, our grief briefly but genuinely transmuted into deepest affection, illuminated by our remembrance of her brought fresh into the Now, almost as if she were still right there beside us.

✳ A VITAL POST-LUNCH RECOVERY RISK UPDATE: REDUCE THE FLUIDS!!!
We are compulsively trying to push THREE TO FOUR entire cups of fluid WITH meals, not realizing that such liquid volume IS STILL VOLUME AND IT WILL TRIGGER THE BULIMIC PANIC RESPONSE!!!! When there is that much tangible "fullness" it sets off SO MANY TRAUMA ALARMS and we instinctively, in a survival reaction, want to GET IT OUT so we will be safe-- AND "empty." That "emptiness" is held in sharp contrast to "fullness" in an AUTONOMIC sense-- the horror of violation, and the resulting invasion/ infection from a malicious foreign body, resulting in BOTH LOSS OF SELF/ IDENTITY AND OUR SELF BEING SWALLOWED UP BY THAT VIOLATOR'S SELF. Annihilation through forced override-- a heaviness on us taking over us, suffocating & pinning us down, overriding EVERYTHING with its own weight and heft and "fullness"; it forces itself into our body, stuffing it like a parasitic wasp, and leaving us bloated and ravaged, doomed to agonizing death. I have NO idea WHERE the ultimate roots of this are. They're SO OLD. Yes there have been FAR too many "replants" of those evil seeds since the unknown beginning-- TBAS being the tragically explicit example-- but WHEN did it START? WAS there something in childhood?? The EARLIEST clear incident we can actively remember is from 2011, in the psych ward, with our roommate. She was huge, she was invasive, we were small, we were trapped & helpless. We're STILL shaking from that shock, deep down. But PRIOR to that? I have no clue. If I had to guess, I'd suspect something with Mom, unintentionally of course, as her scent STILL scares us with an unconscious but SPECIFIC fear of being smothered & trapped. This is no fear of hugs-- the paralysis is from being PINNED, or otherwise restrained. Notably, Grandpa's bigness is a threat in memory, but NOT an offender?? Like we recognize POTENTIAL for that danger in his bigness, BUT it WASN'T used to smother us ever. Actually it seems we ONLY get that fear from WOMEN??? Men would THROW their weight around, so with Grandpa we feared his utilizing that bulk in RAGE, like a snorting bull, ready to gore you with sheer brute force. We feared the strength of that weight, channeled into slams or charges or punches, or holding you down like a dying butterfly facing a pin, frantic but crushed by those iron bars he called arms. We never FELT the weight ITSELF. The threat was active, direct. But women were indirect, passive, like being locked in an oubliette with the walls closing in, the air getting heavy with noxious vapors. SHEER TERROR. BUT WHY???
✳ In any case, STOP TRIGGERING THIS BY DRINKING SO MUCH AT ONCE!!! Cut down to ONE coffee or tea at breakfast, and ONE tea at meals that have fluids included! You CAN ask for more water, but DON'T "obligate" yourself to drowning by compulsively asking for TWO by default!! If you're still thirsty, ask for one later!!
✳ It takes A SOLID HOUR for the panic to subside, and TWO to feel decent again!! SO PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!

 

pre-breakfast//

QUICK BUT ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL morning notes:
+ Emotional ROLLER COASTER w/ shower. MANIC SOCIAL thinking about "what music to pick if asked" (decided on Jackson 5); considering getting a Litwick plush if personally applicable. Internal upset AT mania; "I don't want to be like this" "this isn't me" BUT couldn't "stop." A different manic (Jack?? "David-Tennant-looking-ass"; flirty, invincible, "most popular man in the room" vibe?) took over hard; could NOT feel sad OR even acknowledge pain when an unseen internal Navy foni punched the leg TO try & feel both and/or switch!! This SPIKED mania as a "violent shutoff" for "not real/ legitimate" "negative" emotions? Demonic crazy grin on body, while near mirror. Seeing this face triggered vivid TBAS FLASHBACKS, CROWNED BY HAIRSTYLE: flattened sides & spiked top. Everything was unsafe; dysmorphia raging. Then, UNEXPECTEDLY: noticing wet & emphasized eyelashes = instantly changed ENTIRE overlay to FEMALE!!! New, positive, BALANCER foni appeared to match. RED-VIOLET "QUEEN"? FIRST SOLID ONE. Balancer; not manic or depressive, BUT acknowledging BOTH without being either! "Bittersweet" heart. Color like a wine glass or garnet in the light. Chose/ fit the name ALENA, from "Magdalena"-- female bodies STILL defined as "whores" REGARDLESS of fronter; Alena's hope was to signify HEALING, MERCY, FORGIVENESS, REDEMPTION from that specifically.
★ Wearing GLASSES changes overlay INSTANTLY. Alena cannot wear them, but (we hope) neither can Jack? The RED color of our glasses helps a TON. Also, MANICS CANNOT WEAR OUR MEDALS. They get angry & obstinate & rebel against "feeling chained down to the Cross." Alena said "that's the whole point." (Laurie EMPHATICALLY agrees.)
+ Momentary "blackout" between exiting bathroom & going to bedroom window; hallmark of "social context" automatic dissociation
+ Sunrise. Simple ROYGBIV muted gradient; no clouds. BUT it's the second day of autumn and it must be cold at last because what did we see but CHIMNEY SMOKE!!! ♥ First REAL sign that the season has switched too!
↑ LAURIE came out, to elaborate that thought; we couldn't find the "right" word-- she asked Shirley & Sirius for help and they BRIEFLY FRONTED to speak with her! Words like "harbinger," "signpost," "indicator" didn't fit. Laurie said "messenger," then laughed & concluded, "chimney angels."
+ ↑ Brief mention of Q with "chimney sweep muses" art. "No hatred" but lingering fear towards him for 2012, despite lingering affection as well. "Father FORGIVE them for they KNOW NOT." Same with OV; we pity them? BUT STILL LOVE & MISS them deep down, WITHOUT denying the pain & damage & fear & anger & NEED to forgive. But we DO love them, both of them, which ENABLES forgiveness!!!
★ (btw GIVE THIS TO INFI; ze holds the CORE TRAUMA from CNC and ze is AFRAID TO EXIST still, even now, because of it. Ze NEEDS to come back & BE with us; without hir heart we CANNOT ACTUALLY HEAL!!!)
★ Apparently we have DIFFERENT ARCHIVISTS AND DATA "COMMUNICATORS" FOR MANAGEMENT OF EMOTIONAL VS LOGICAL (FACTUAL) DATA!!! Depending on what KIND of information it is, ONLY CERTAIN NOUSFONI CAN PROCESS/ SPEAK/ WRITE IT!!! Warm vs cool "undertones," typically. Shirley & Sirius fit this. ALSO there is a "neutral Gray" Archivist we THOUGHT was "Quicksilver" because they're BOTH a darker gunmetal gray, but Quick was NOT neutral. This guy-- who spoke briefly to both Alana (in the washroom) and our typical "emote-data writer" (me!! ♥)-- is currently vibing with the name "Sterling." (That's close enough to "Stellar," haha!) So we'll see what our future holds with getting to know him & all the other nousfoni who may/do hold those roles, as they obviously DO exist, but we never had the means to SEE or even KNOW they COULD/ DID exist until now, this morning!
★ THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between an ANCHOR and a ROOT! An "anchor" is something PUT DOWN to hold someone firmly in that specific place; a ROOT is something one GROWS FROM as an initial locked-in place!!
+ Brief return to the sunrise-- the "warm color" gradient DISTURBED us, AS ALWAYS. Reminded us of "westerns." Why that intense, ancient fear for both? "Jess" came out (!!)

sunrise beauty: what we instinctively & viscerally recognize AS beauty, finds its ORIGIN & DEFINITION IN THE FACE OF CHRIST JESUS!!! When I look at Him, I see BEAUTY, literally PERFECTED.
★ Things ARE ONLY "beautiful" BECAUSE something in them ECHOES Christ's beauty. When I look at Him, I see everything that I label AS beautiful in the sunrise, but CLEARLY, ESSENTIALLY-- not "through a glass darkly."
THAT'S WHY HEAVEN IS THE BEATIFIC VISION; all Creation is just dim reflection of (and yearning for) that true, absolute, complete, real, total bliss.

+ Group recommending "fidget objects" for coping = we've NEVER TRIED them because we label "stimming" as SILLY? like, "why even try it; physical "coping" isn't legitimate." BUT OUR SYMPTOMS ARE!!! SO why NOT meet them on that same level? HONESTLY DO TRY THEM, TO STOP JUDGING/ ALIENATING OTHERS at least!!


post-breakfast//

Cornflakes, blueberry muffin, banana, egg, apple juice, soymilk, french vanilla tea, 2 creamer, 1 s&p.

MUFFIN)
Thoughts of mom! ♥ No fear after that. Alana caught the unique blue/red vibe of the berries and TRIED to front to taste it, but she can't come out while eating (OR with glasses on)-- that would distort her function! But she appreciated the idea. Note: don't put fingers in mouth to "get crumbs."

CORNFLAKES)
HEALED!!! BY CO-FRONTING. "Red & blue" socials-- soygirl & a magenta (?) who KNEW the job! ALSO DAD!!! Talking to him HELPED SO MUCH. "Soymilk is too sweet for me, but it's good for you-- you're just as sweet yourself!" "Sugar isn't bad; it's a great source of energy, and it'll give you all the extra push you need to do all your running today." Soy said the very thought of work made HER exhausted emotionally. "I want to work but I get so overwhelmed & I burn out." Magenta sister replied "Then I'll do that work for you! You don't have to push yourself to do anything that's going to hurt you. I'll do the burny work; you can do the quieter thoughtful important things, like the sweeping & stocking shelves. We still need & want your help! Just do what's meant for YOU, and I'll do what's not!" Dad added: "I'll talk to your boss and let her know to let you rest like that if you get overwhelmed. They don't want you burning yourself out either; I know I sure don't! I don't want to see you looking so sad & tired all the time! I care about you, Jessie, and so do the people you work with. They'd all be happy to help you, so don't be afraid to ask. (There's nothing wrong with asking for help!)" Lots of hugs and "I love you"s. Soymilk now POSITIVE but not the cornflakes? Mentioned. Dad: "You know the Native Americans grew corn as a staple crop. They used it for everything; it kept them alive when winter came. You're the same way. You're sweet & give people energy like the soymilk, but you're also soft & strong like the cornflakes. You can help keep people alive, too, by giving of yourself. People need what you have to give them, Jessie, and God made you just the way you are for that reason. Just like your breakfast." She was SO DEEPLY COMFORTED. Her color reflected the pure serene blue of a calm sky.
★ HOWEVER. Two more things! First, the "vibe" of the cereal as a whole is NOT BLUE-- its true inherent tone DOESN'T VIBE WITH HER, OR HER SISTER! It's gold, a RARE Yellow-group POSITIVE food combo (Soymilk ITSELF is neutral-ish? COLD leans blue; vanilla leans yellow?) that no one concretely matches (yet). SO. We told her, she doesn't HAVE to anchor to it! Its association has CHANGED now, via healing, AS HAS HERS-- her old memory anchor is now ONLY a memory; the "reality" has CHANGED and so remembering what WAS now INCLUDES a golden ray of FUTURE HOPE that actively renews the healing and PREVENTS getting stuck in old, now-nonexistent contexts! Yes, at that time in history, we WERE miserable. BUT NOW we have infused that time AS PERSONAL PAST with HOPE & TRUTH, and so even if literal history CANNOT be changed, SPIRITUAL "NOW" CAN CHANGE HOW THAT HISTORY UNFOLDS. Therefore, NOTHING in our past is a "death sentence." There is ALWAYS FORGIVENESS, ALWAYS a chance for MERCY & REDEMPTION. The Cross, too, occurred at only one historical point, but spiritually it is FOREVER-- and AS SANCTIFICATION & GRACE!!! Death was defeated in time ONCE, and so now FOREVER it is POWERLESS! So too with our past trauma. The Crucifixion DID happen, bloody & horrific. That's FACT, and cannot be changed. BUT, outside of linear time, that SAME event unfolds in LOVE & HOPE unto ETERNITY-- an event ALL SOULS can & DO participate in RIGHT NOW!! So that mercy & forgiveness can & do TANGIBLY, PERSONALLY, ACTIVELY redeem ALL people. Likewise, in our linear Now, we can send our healing love & mercy & forgiveness-- FROM CHRIST-- to ALL our past times & selves as PART of our NOW, & heal them FOREVER. ♥

BANANA)
Fear food= trauma suggestion, tied to elephants & monkeys, associated w/ Jade. Put all that aside & focused on the GOD-CREATED WONDER of its pure existence: the texture, the way it shimmers in light, the seeds! Fruit's existence in general is fascinating. God is SO Good. That helped us refocus. We also DIDN'T cut it off, remove the peel entirely, OR bite/eat the peel!

EGG)
Again, SO much nicer plain. The s&p are COMPULSIVE; try NOT using them. "But salt is holy!" NOT IF IT'S BEING ABUSED VIA COMPULSION!! If you feel "obligated" to eat it-- EAT, not "season"-- then DON'T. That's "opposite action" coping! It helps you REGAIN PROPER CONTROL over your compromised willpower. Right now, we're a slave to seasoning. We "can't" say no to it! And that's NOT A MORAL DECISION-- IT'S AN ADDICTION. Conscience doesn't go into moral panic if it doesn't put salt on a meal just because Jesus told a parable about it. Guess what? THAT'S IDOLATRY!! You're so focused on the literal SALT, you MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. So yeah, honestly, "fasting" from salt right now WOULD be the "morally proper" decision! Regain the freedom to CHOOSE that God created you with!! Honor Him with it!
+ The new girl on the unit is a KID, and her being so upset triggered out NIER. He was deeply upset by her thinness; he wanted to feed her the eggs his chickens laid to make her healthy & strong. Ate it for her. REALLY locked in sense data?? Just from having a CONCRETE PERSON eat, not just an "observer" of memory! REMEMBER THAT! Nousfoni do help immensely, but the ULTIMATE goal is to be able to CONSCIOUSLY eat as ONE CORE SELF, whoever the true "me" is, without switching for every food-- BUT that means we NEED A SOLID CORE SENSE OF "SELF," FIRST!!! Hence all the historical self-memory healing we're focusing on. Who "I" was as a child is REAL. There's a true heart in there somewhere. God help us find it.

FRENCH VANILLA TEA)
Surprisingly warm & mellow, like the blue tootsie rolls! Too yellow in tone to match our core, BUT!!! Instead of b&w "like or dislike" compulsive automatic judgments, we REALIZED: yeah it's not OUR vibe, BUT IT IS SOMEONE ELSE'S-- someone HUMAN!!!! Other people like different things from us, which we personally "can't grasp" FROM AN ISOLATED PERSPECTIVE. BUT once we EXPERIENCE this different data, WE CAN EMPATHIZE, UNDERSTAND, & HAVE COMMUNION WITH THEIR UNIQUENESS: "if they vibe with THIS, then their SOUL has a vibe like this" = WE CAN KNOW THEIR SOUL BETTER, & SHARE IN THEIR EXPERIENCES.



post-lunch//

Pizza, Greek salad, ranch dressing, orange juice, 1 parmesan, 2 salt 3 pepper, 2 tea 2 creamer

★ Realized our perspective is: "You CAN FAIL AT EATING." We set "arbitrary" rules and if we mess up even a little, we feel UTTERLY DEVASTATED & COMPELLED TO "START OVER" & "DO IT RIGHT"... "OR ELSE." That FEAR of real but unspecified PUNISHMENT is SO POWERFUL and RE-TRIGGERS THE BULIMIC "EMERGENCY EXIT" RESPONSE. It ALSO explains why we RESTRICT: EVERY meal is another RISK, a chance to FAIL and SUFFER FOR IT-- AS A BAD PERSON. Our "failure" to do right means WE must BE "wrong"!! "Bad people do bad things!" So "failure" is DAMNING & UNACCEPTABLE.
+ We thought, "you can't drink OJ with pizza. At home, the family ONLY drank GRAPE juice with pizza." SO, "if I don't drink grape juice with it, I HAVE FAILED TO DO THE RIGHT THING." therefore I feel COMPELLED to THROW IT UP and START OVER RIGHT!!
We turn every meal into a MORALITY PERFORMANCE with impossible choreography. So we either AVOID the risk, OR we try to purge every failure-- which ALWAYS happened with that mindset!! It's TERRIFYING. If we "choose wrong" we are DAMNED. We've DISOBEYED, so we SINNED, by REBELLING AGAINST GOD'S DIRECTION and being willfully obstinate.
★ PURGING "RESTORED" OUR PURITY, BOTH MORALLY & PHYSICALLY. It was our confessional & our absolution. Only emptiness was safe/ Good, in the end. ALL eating became too morally ambiguous/ threatening, as we COULD and DID ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING TO CONDEMN, therefore MANDATING the penitential purge-- or else, WE WOULD LITERALLY "GO TO HELL"-- at least physiologically. And it WAS hell, every single day.
✳ Related to breakfast data: "LIKE/ DISLIKE" feels morally wrong, YET eating something that we intuitively "don't "enjoy"" feels DISTURBING to our SENSE OF SELF. We feel like, if we "don't like pizza," BUT still eat it, then "WHO ARE WE, REALLY??" We "can't resonate with two opposing responses!!" But see? We DON'T SEE IT AS "INNOCENT" PREFERENCE/ OPINION, EITHER. Dislike = REJECTION of others WHOSE SOULS DO RESONATE WITH IT. But TO eat that thing that DOESN'T harmonize with our core is a TRAUMATIC "OVERRIDE" OF SELFHOOD: an external "virus" trying to REWRITE who we ARE at heart. It's INTENSELY PERSONAL. THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH TRAUMA TIED TO "PEOPLE-PLEASING/ IMITATIVE EATING" = we LOSE OURSELF in PHYSIOLOGICALLY "IDENTIFYING WITH/ AS" THE OTHER by eating THEIR favorite foods obsessively. And why? Because, IF we love them OR WANT to love them, WE CANNOT "REJECT" THEM (OR SAY "NO" TO THEM; also rejection)!!! ALL "OPPOSITION" TO THEIR SELFHOOD IS UNACCEPTABLE. Our "only option" is to LIKE/ IDENTIFY WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO.
★ THAT is why, right now in recovery, we NEED "food socials" of a hyperspecialized sort-- nousfoni whose vibes are ROOTED in the vibes of ANY & IDEALLY ALL FOODS that are dissonant with the "core" self! THAT way, we can both HAVE a self, AND "match/ meet" the self of others! NO refusal, NO boundaries, NO dissonance, NO conflict.
★ ↑ All that hit HARD for lunch. The salad had feta cheese (Jade), olives & banana peppers (OV), tomatoes (grandma), and ranch dressing (unknown but possibly also OV). And we, idiotically, added parmesan (Lou/ grandpa). So we were a MESS mentally. We dissociated HARD because the sheer NOISE of data sources was so overwhelming. Plus we think we had a pollen allergy response to the lettuce (again)?? Muscle tics, breathing restricted, itchy, stuffy nose. So we're scared & sick on top of all that. But, splinters of the Cross. Carry it humbly.
★ Pizza is NOT our vibe AT ALL but so many people DO love it; it's SUCH a huge barrier between us & our community. It seems like EVERYONE likes pizza, so if WE don't, we are EXCLUDED from "everyone." WE ARE SO HEARTBROKEN/ UPSET/ TERRIFIED over that. But we still cannot seem to MAKE ourselves like it? We WANT to, ESPECIALLY since it was GRANDMA'S LAST MEAL!!!!! if we don't SHARE in that... we would rather die. So we MUST like pizza, AS OURSELF. Yes I'm sure we can "birth" a nousfoni for it (there are ALREADY "old Italian matron" seeds) BUT THAT WOULD DEFEAT THE WHOLE PIZZA = COMMUNITY MEAL point. Church outings, childhood parties, dinner at Mom's, post-church Lawrence Welk memories-- ALL of it involves PEOPLE TOGETHER and WE need to be "ME" in order TO participate!!!
★ Unfortunately there IS pizza trauma. Tomato sauce between bread & cheese looks like blood oozing from a garish place. And it is MESSY, with that gore getting on one's fingers. It's EXPLICIT trauma similarity. Plus MC & OV always ate it, AND it's a binge-suffocation terror trigger. But THOSE EXPERIENCES DO NOT CHANGE THE TRUTH OF REALITY, which is that those negative associations AREN'T DEFINITIVE OR PERMANENT! Beneath & beyond that, there is a pure & simple EXISTENCE, from which CHRIST bestows ALL food as HIS GIFT, forever untouched by human fears.
✳ INSTEAD of "switching out with" food-vibe nousfoni in order TO eat those foods, EAT WITH THEM IN COMMUNION!!! That is the IDEAL option for EVERYONE-- it preserves core individuality, enables direct empathy, practices social eating contexts, etc. Share their heart WITH them, and share YOURS-- so you can do that PHYSICALLY with your fellow man! DO ALL OF IT WITH COMPASSION. ♥



post-dinner//

Breaded pork chops with gravy; mashed potatoes; butter; shortbread cookies; whole milk; 3 salt & 3 pepper; 2 tea 2 creamer

PORK)
Surprisingly lovely. Soft, nice texture, and purely positive flavor! We expected trauma, but found NONE. Thanks be to God! (Mom later told me SHE had pork chops for dinner, too, which warmed my heart SO MUCH. ♥ That's COMMUNION even now, and future hope!)

POTATOES)
According to direction, we put the butter ON the potatoes-- which was actually a SMART & PROPER action that we would never have chosen on our own (which is WHY obedience & trust are KEY), because the butterfat SLOWS THE GLUCOSE SPIKE potatoes always seem to give!! THAT'S why people put butter & sour cream & bacon on them!! See? Our compulsive hyper-individualizing of ingredients is PRACTICALLY UNHEALTHY. Still, SO is hyper-mixing! There is a WISE & prudent middle ground, the "straight & narrow path." Seek that even ground and walk with Him. ALSO! Even if it turns unexpectedly, it is STILL CLEAR; there are no tumultuous shifts or swerves. The end goal is CERTAIN-- God Himself as our King and Love-- and with Christ ALWAYS walking with us as both Leader & Companion, we CANNOT get lost or confused or misdirected. No matter WHAT we may face in life, IF we just TRUST Him and OBEY His guidance, our feet shall not slip; we shall remain on that sure & sacred road.

LORNADOONE SHORTBREAD)
We were literally JUST thinking about Saint Nicholas (Santa Claus) being a PERFECT example of "fat ≠ bad; even SAINTS CAN BE FAT", and then we get milk & cookies! Gosh it's actually so heartwarming. It makes me look forward to Christmas with even MORE joy!! ♥ They were SHOCKINGLY delicious, both in taste & texture! It was unexpectedly so, so nice. There's also NO immediate association, so it was a pure experience. A NOTE, though-- DON'T take a sip of the milk WITH the cookie in your mouth! It feels messy & undignified, AND it increases choking risk, PLUS it muddles the data way too much. We should really focus on mindfully, prayerfully, gratefully paying honest attention to ONE thing at a time while we learn & heal.



post-snack//

Harvest cheddar Sun Chips.
Thinking about ORANGE: EMBER DAYS, SUNSETS, etc. LIST!!
harvest = bounty of God's fruits, memento mori-- "oil in lamps," thanksgiving TRULY. prepare to preserve life through winter; God feeds His obedient children.
cheese = MILK, at heart! AGED, "to feed her children still when she, too, is old"; feeds children in winter when there is no literal "birth"? CRONE sacredness, as it were. perpetuated motherhood nurturing. cheese an ANCIENT common food anyway. DON'T DENY-- WE DO LIKE IT TOO!!
"dirty" cancelled BY JESUS!! "eat WITH sinners"; vs ALOOF PHARISEE "CLEAN." Jesus would absolutely get chip dust on His fingers right with the poor!

+ HAD to mostly open bag to prevent filthy hands from reaching in. not ready yet. DID challenge obsessive "order"/ crumbing. "LEAVE THE GLEANINGS" & treasure EACH bite; no "HAVE to" eat certain pieces. MORE FREEDOM OF CHOICE RESTORED! also, NO biting INTO chips; that's mincing. Eat normal; don't be too proud to laugh at yourself if you drop a piece, WITHOUT going into "animal" mode!! BE MEEK WITH HONOR!

 

pre-breakfast//

Going to try less structured notes to allow more datalogging despite brain fog/ overwhelm/ illness/ exhaustion:

★ Morning sunrise prayers. Stood at window & talked to God.
+ Out soul is inescapably, undeniably RED, no matter how much we may resist that out of shame/ guilt. God said Red is NOT EVIL, but it is LIFE, the first color of it (BLOOD) and the closest to earth ('adam), SO when Man (earth & blood; bios & zoe) fell, RED carried the brunt of it. BUT IT'S NOT "LOST" OR EVIL, just sick from sin.
★ JESUS'S COLOR IS RED, as He clothed Himself IN physical human life, WITH WHITE, His purifying Divinity!
+ We ARE Fire, "a gift from God,"created TO BLESS! Said fire is NOT "uncontrollable"; that is DISORDER. Fire only destroys in order to FUEL NEW LIFE. Fire gives light & heat & comfort; it purifies metal, melts the frozen, & prepares food. etc. Fire is GOOD, as are ALL God's creatures. But God emphasized "TAMING" fire, via torches & lamps & CANDLES: beeswax for charitable industry, and the wick as PRAYER!! The white wax is GOOD WORKS to channel our power into, and the wick is PRAYER to FOCUS our burning. Then of course the AIR that lets us burn at all is God's Holy Spirit. So BE A CANDLE; be a lamp set on a lampstand for the glory of God! DON'T QUENCH THE FIRE OF GOD'S SPIRIT IN YOU. Do not deny or hide or run from or be ashamed of what GOD created you to be. LIVE AS HE WILLS.
+ Bloodwork lady with BABY JESUS MEDAL! ♥ Talked about our devotion to Him, and our love of our children/ brothers. Discussed gift of Halloween: "put on masks in order to unmask our soul"-- what "costumes" we wear/ choose actually reveal "who/ what we WANT to be" deep within. LOTS of thought-provoking truth there. She also gave me a GEMSTONE SHARK STICKER that her son made! We will treasure it. (ALSO, sharks are a HUGE childhood connection, so admitting and OWNING that fact is helping us re-build that bridge between "now & before," reuniting our adult Self TO our childhood Self, and learning to both recognize & reintegrate our own heart. That process is ESSENTIAL & INDISPENSABLE to our healing AND our wholeness as a person/ human in general!!


post-breakfast//

French toast, green tea & vanilla soy, 2 creamers

FRENCH TOAST)
POSITIVE= grandma making it; childhood breakfasts; mom vacations (stuffed)
NEGATIVE= CNC & inane memes; trying to make it myself; binge-choking
★ We MUST begin our meals with CHOOSING CONSCIOUS HONEST GRATITUDE. We've become too habituated to control/ pleasure, sinfully, and so we kneejerk complain. "No butter? No syrup?" No! Because God said "Not with this meal!" HE KNOWS BEST so TRUST HIM and THANK HIM! We first needed to face it PLAIN and deal with its OWN unique experience, because butter & syrup ADD THEIR OWN!!
+ Jesus guided us in speed & manner the whole time. ♥ He warned us to be mindful of "the appearance of evil" in our eating behavior, avoiding even "neutral" choices that may nevertheless "trigger" or negatively inspire others, or that would embarrass/ inconvenience others if I was SHARING a meal: notably, cutting off the crusts into small pieces & eating them separately. Jesus DID understand AND advise that I still need to take smaller bites, BUT He had me practice taking them AS bites, NOT mincing up the french toast itself! That is normalized behavior and will not arouse suspicion or negatively impact observers. Set a good example, ALWAYS.
+ Texture was dry; next time, SAVE THE SOYMILK to iWITH it. That will also prevent "sugar-seeking" additions; we've been given enough!!
+ "Saving certain bites for last/ always eating certain parts first" is OBSESSIVE and MUST be relaxed. It is NOT REQUIRED to separate textures; in fact that's DISORDERED & DISUNITIVE! Let go of that "pleasure-seeking" habit, and instead treat EVERY bite as a gift from God, so each bite is EQUALLY met with mindful gratitude, instead of "reserving" that attention for the first & last only. We ate at HIS direction, and every bite was lovely in that obedient, thankful trust. Do so always. ♥

SOYMILK)
★ HEALING PROCESS: we did a little more, but couldn't do much "realtime" re-association (that can ONLY occur IN TANDEM with REALTIME sensory data to associate WITH) yet. Imagining Dad laughing with us, arm around our shoulder, happy & close. The more we saturate the chronosphere with hope & positivity "offline," outside of meals & actual direct re-entry, the more effective and ABLE we will be able to heal when we go "online," hopefully tomorrow. The groundwork MUST be built up before/ after, too!!
✖ (show mercy!) WE SPILLED SOME when we went to pour it, AND trying to use the straw. Please, AVOID THE STRAW if possible? It's too humiliating & triggering yet. God we need to heal THAT TOO, though, to prevent complaining & "special treatment." Please help prepare our hearts for such healing, to be able to drink from a carton & straw WHENEVER that is what we must do to obey, and/or to be humble. Until then, ONLY POUR INTO A (MOSTLY) EMPTY CUP; trying to pour tiny bits SPILLS. So now we know, and have been justly humbled BECAUSE we were "mixing" too much, tea & milk & creamer-- a VERY disordered, dissociated behavior! Again, thank God for the loving lesson & chastisement. Now we can act with more propriety, maturity, self-control & humble simplicity.

GREEN TEA + CREAMER)
POSITIVE = different Borders girl: no mania or anxiety, very peaceful, FAITH tangible! Foggy/ rainy peace vibe.
NEGATIVE= tied to Q time period w/ Genesis; old "Parnassus" bad vibes. Feeling of oncoming dread.
✖ We squeezed the bag too hard, trying too hard, & broke the bag. It was a humiliating warning to not be so obsessive over "every last drop."
★ CAFFEINE HIT HARD. Be careful, please, if/ when we drink this again-- don't steep so long! It's SUPPOSED to be mild!



post-lunch//

A veggie burger w/ cheese, whole milk, 2 tea & 2 creamer, 2 s&p, 2 ketchup, 1 relish.

Our biggest obstacles:
(1) COMPLAINING: "I don't like/ enjoy the veggie burger's taste."
(2) COMPULSIVE, IMPROPER CONDIMENT USE: "must get salt & pepper" but NO ONE puts those on a burger!!
(3) PRIMARY GOAL AS "EGOCENTRIC EXPERIENCE": focusing too much on finding/ processing memories & emotions VIA FOOD, seeing food as a TOOL or CONCEPT instead of as GOD'S NOURISHMENT.
(4) ANXIETY AS LACK OF FAITH: triggers disordered behaviors to return, causes dissociation, & blocks grace. Our body WILL get sick & our mood WILL drop, making the meal a "void" UNTIL WE RETURN TO PRAYER!!

+ Immediate guilt/ shame panic response after taking condiments.
(1) "I don't really like/ want these; I shouldn't have taken any"
(2) "I sinned by taking them so selfishly/ sensuously; I didn't ask Jesus first"
(3) "BUT they're on my tray so now I HAVE to eat them"
★(4) IMMEDIATE disordered "exit door" behavior: attempting to eat the condiments solo to get rid of them
ALSO, (5) "but I HAVE to eat them to find our what memories/ associations are attached to them!" OR, "grandpa liked ketchup/ relish SO since I love him I MUST also eat those foods" (AND/OR relive those memories)

BURGER)
Burnt taste? Mushroomy. Not a "fan" of the flavor, so we felt mentally "grumbly"??? WHY DOES THE TASTE MATTER TO YOU. BE GRATEFUL & STOP BEING SO ENTITLED. // In kinder words: not every food will match our personal taste. THAT IS OKAY! They DON'T HAVE TO. Not "liking" a flavor is NOT "rejecting God's Creation." BUT complaining about it IS!! I am SURE we can learn to be sincerely grateful for a food EVEN IF it's "not our favorite" so to speak. God knows best; our opinion is humbly unimportant.
★ PLEASE take advantage of plurality for this! Like the morning bagel guy, I am SURE we can "find" someone inside whose personal resonance DOES match the food, and so WILL like it, and therefore DIRECTLY & CONCRETELY replace the very grumbling with TRUE gratitude. This will ALSO greatly increase our capacity for human empathy, communion, & relatability. ALL human beings eat, and have unique experiences & opinions & tastes. That IS NOT MORALLY WONG! It's a part of  the kaleidoscopic wonder of God's bounteous Creativity & human individuality! And the more we can connect with that as a starting point, the more completely we can connect with PEOPLE, in genuine compassion & understanding & loving community!
+ There, admittedly, WAS a "snapshot" of a potential somebody, in a woodsy farmhouse setting (like the homestead), sitting outside in a pasture beneath the trees & beside an old barn, a cow grazing beside them. They RESONATED with the pale-neutral burger flavor, touching subtly on pale green like Sergei's? But no personal appearance data, other than the slight resonance with old grass-kissed overalls & a warm straw sunhat & maybe garden gloves & old gardening boots (brown) like grandma's-- outfits tend to manifest sooner than hair & faces do-- it's FAR too early & lacking in anchorage for that to occur. But! There's sincere potential! The only issue is that it cannot strengthen WITHOUT the direct association function anchor data input. So! Remember them for next time!

KETCHUP & RELISH)
✖ We licked ONE ketchup packet and were SO ashamed; we were also sorely tempted to eat the relish packet but didn't. Still, we felt SUCH regret when we put them on the burger. It felt SO compulsory; we felt like we "ruined it" as well. Only Christ got us through that.
✖ The ketchup overload squeezed out onto our hand, a DEEPLY HUMILIATING chastisement. We felt SO dirty & piggish; self-respect dropped. It felt like a direct consequence of "compromising our moral values"; compulsion/ greed/ ego instead of temperate simplicity.
✖ Likewise, the relish not only LOOKS like vomit, we were so disgusted with ourselves for it AND nauseated by it that we were trying to scrape it off the burger with our teeth in shame, like hiding evidence of sin. MORE profoundly humiliating chastisement for our choice! Yet EVEN NOW I feel like I have to apologize to grandpa because pickles are HIS food-- but NOT pickles on burgers!! REMEMBER THAT so we don't force datamashes accidentally like this OR trigger compulsive deconstruction/ disordered condiment consumption anymore!!
★ SIMILARLY, ketchup is ONLY tied to Grandpa because of Farmer's Market fries & Hose Company Breakfast eggs, NOT as straight ketchup!! And we KNOW that data already. We're not obligated to re-live it every chance we get because we miss him. Those memories CAN be re-lived OUTSIDE of meals, too!! BUT the sensory data brings it "into the Now," making it TANGIBLE and REAL, helping to repair our whole historical Self by VALIDATING the experiences OF those memories AS OURS, NOW. So that IS important, we must admit. STILL. THERE ARE PROPER CIRCUMSTANCES. You CANNOT eat relish packets as a sign of mourning. When God gives you a LEGIT pickle, though? THAT is something Grandpa ate, AS he would eat it! THAT way the EXPERIENCE IS REALISTIC!!
★ THAT'S our key to healing this! Grandpa NEVER ate relish OR ketchup packets, OR put them on burgers! STACKING HIS ASSOCIATED FOODS CANNOT BRING US CLOSER TO HIM, because it is FORCED, DISORDERED, & ARTIFICIAL. Literally the ONLY way to truly visit his chronospheres is to do so IN LIKE MANNER WITH HIM. THAT'S part of the empathy, too, that we talked about with the burger-- it MUST come through COMMON SHARED EXPERIENCE, and NATURALLY so!!!
★ PARTICULAR food combos and preparations yield PARTICULAR memories/ associations, and due to the vividness of that data, they RARELY overlap!! SO DON'T FORCE ARTIFICIAL COMBOS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE DISORDERED OR COMPULSIVE. Eat what you're given AS it is given, as PURE & SIMPLE AS POSSIBLE!

Some final important notes on our lunch lessons:

SALT & PEPPER)
✖ We should NOT have taken salt & pepper, BUT we acted in ignorance: at the time, we assumed that they were "UNIVERSAL CONDIMENTS" and therefore COULD be added to anything-- and in our habituated compulsiveness, we incorrectly & impulsively concluded that we therefore MUST add them to everything. B&W thinking, again. We were SO ashamed, putting them on the burger. We FELT how dis-ordered it was, and wanted to hide in humiliation.
★ Jesus SPECIFICALLY told us we DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THEM, BUT He let us put them on the burger anyway-- yet ONLY half, at His direction-- so we could have DIRECT experience AS to why s&p don't go on burgers: "rational data" to oppose compulsions with. And oh boy, did that work! It was DISGUSTING, haha. So NOW WE KNOW. And DON'T feel guilty for that "judgment"!!! We LIKE salt and pepper both, BUT DISORDERED USE DISTORTS THEM, to the point where you "morally" SHOULDN'T "like" them IN THAT DISTORTED STATE because it is then, essentially, NOT "TRULY ITSELF." So yeah, when they're abused, they're gross, BECAUSE ABUSE/ DISORDER IS GROSS. Remember this!!!


TEA)
Pure & simple, no trouble; only association is mom/ Astra and surprisingly non-anxious "kitchen memory" vibes? Maybe explore that, actually-- try one w/o creamer & just see if that elicits anything. If not, that's fine; now we know.
+ Actually, TRY to stop drinking half of both & pouring one into the other; that is OBVIOUS disordered behavior too. Really, in general, STOP MIXING. God's Creation was all about HOLY SEPARATION, ALL such "distinction" being INHERENTLY GOOD & TRUE!!! Go re-read Genesis, & Haim Shore's commentary on it! This forced hypercombining we keep doing (for yet-unknown reasons!!), this mashing up data & destroying unique individuality & mangling proper harmonizations... honestly it's demonic. It's going from order to destruction. It is, I repeat, DISORDERED both physically & morally and it MUST STOP! So pray about it, please. God WILL help us, as long as we admit our great need, contritely confess our sins, admit our helplessness and run to Him like the clumsy yet trusting child we are.


WHOLE MILK)
( this paragraph is explicitly triggering. hidden for safety. )



post-dinner//

Apple, chicken tenders, butter, mashed potatoes // 2 tea, 2 creamer, 3 s&p, 1 ketchup, 1 relish

+ We DISLIKE ketchup & it's EMPTY DATA. Relish is NOT just pickle; also cabbage & pepper. So ditch it. Too much LOUD vinegar in both, too. (That infogain is WHY Jesus let us try it just once more. Now we can INFORMEDLY stop.)
+ Salt overload; allowed here only to teach that & help blood pressure. TEMPERANCE. Practice cutting down to 1. Overuse is DISORDERED too!
+ 2 creamers in one tea, other plain. Same data as always, both are neutral good, so no worries there. No combining this way, too!
+ Chicken tenders ARE tender! Easy to chew & tasty; they have immediate SHS lunch memories (positive). A happy food. We resisted the compulsion to eat the breading off! And we cut them into medium pieces, NO mincing or hyperchewing. Some breaded bits made us think of mom's chicken parmesan, & also echoed the breading on fish at restaurants; family fondness with each.
★ We imagined eating this, or a similar meal, WITH mom, thinking: "If I did this (behavior) while she was there (watching & associated with me), would she be ashamed or embarrassed? Would such a behavior reflect badly on her, or make people raise their eyebrows at me (as it was abnormal)?" And I'm telling you, now THAT is a supereffective "behavior compass" to follow!! It's anchored in LOVE & RESPECT, not ego! So DO THAT at EVERY meal!! ♥
+ Mashed potatoes looked "threatening" (WHY? just "potato allergy/ panic" symptom fear? "Carb terror"?) BUT they were straight-up KFC flavor. INSTANT childhood association, positively! But again, that odd anxious/ nervous ambience. (Fear of misbehaving/ discipline?) Imagined family smiling, saying grace together, GIVING me the potatoes ("we know you like them, so help yourself"), and telling little us, "We're glad you're here." Relief. ♥ (So far, the kids in these memories are SHOCKED to be treated with compassion & inclusion.)



post-snack//

quick snack notes: NO MORE FRUIT TEA ATTEMPTS. we want to puke. they ALL have bloody hibiscus which tastes SHARP and LOUD and it's so acidic it CURDLES THE CREAMER. so we're legitimately sick right now, and nauseous, and angry? we feel oddly disgusted with ourself. we forgot to taste it plain so NOW we feel FORCED to "try it again" because we have this panicked compulsion that we MUST know what it tastes like and we MUST LIKE IT or we are an ignorant, closed-hearted, selfish and pompous ass. WHY. We DON'T like fruit tea and we DON'T want to have to try everything but we feel FORCED & COMPELLED TO and we want to cry like a sick child. Our stomach hurts. We're miserable. Oh and EVEN WORSE, we got the Cheddar Sun Chips to "bravely tackle TWO fear foods" because oddly cheese FLAVOR is terrifying? And chips are DIRTY food, sticky & crumby & staining your fingers wrong and gross. We feel SO DIRTY when we eat chips. It's humiliating. It's such a horrible trauma trigger. So the chips made our outside scary, and the tea made our inside scary. WHY CAN'T WE FREELY SAY NO??? I DON'T WANT TO DRINK FRUIT TEA PLEASE. But this internal cruel voice replies, "Tough sh*t! You don't GET to decide. You do what you're told! And stop being such a rebellious brat!!!" WHY. Saying "no" to the tea that SOMEONE ELSE LIKES-- especially our dear grandma; didn't SHE like orange tea? We want to weep-- means REJECTING THEM. I feel so helpless.
What do we do. We DON'T LIKE FRUIT TEA and now we're gonna be SCARED too, remembering tonight and how SICK & NAUSEOUS our poor body feels!! God, dear Jesus our Savior, please make something good result from this. Help us stop complaining and carry this cross with You. Help us to FORGIVE ourself, too, and not be angry or hateful at the food either. Help us not to throw up please because we REALLY want to. But... not giving in to that terrified urge will help our recovery SO MUCH. We have learned to "run away" from this sort of suffering instead of enduring it for Christ. Wow. I guess THAT'S the Good that can come out of this. God I hope so. Please help us. I just noticed we got a TINY spot of cheese on our clean shirt and we want to die. We feel SO DIRTY. like our soul is gross & filthy. stupid ugly stinky disgusting cheese. I hate it. it's evil. God help and forgive me.
I need help. I can't forgive myself for being so PIGGISH and GROSS and STINKY and DIRTY!!!
I want to cry
i want to sleep
im so humiliated
so ashamed
im SO stupid
i try to act so smart & mature
im just an idiot

im sorry God

please

let me just sleep ok

i love You

im sorry im so dumb

im sorry my body and soul are
so dirty
wrong
disgusting

please

make me pure and clean again

im so sorry



good night i guess







↑ ✳LET YOURSELF FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS!!!! BURYING, DENYING, INVALIDATING, &/OR SUPPRESSING THEM CAUSES THIS-- AN IMPLOSION & EXPLOSION BOTH!!!