UPMC journal 092922

[prismaticbleed]

post-breakfast//

Breakfast = cheese omelet, apple cinnamon muffin w/ butter, an ORANGE, soymilk, cinnamon tea, coffee, & 3 creamers.

+ Oranges are ONLY SCARY IN THAT THEY'RE SUPER MESSY and MUST be directly eaten WITH MESSY HANDS! There is no clean way to peel or cut OR eat an orange, haha. The juice gets EVERYWHERE. And that utter humiliation, that "piggish ineptitude" and dirtiness and mess, is SO, SO DIFFICULT for us to endure; the shame is crushing. Our only hope is in the incredible fact that the taste and association of oranges is PURELY POSITIVE & TIED TO CHILDHOOD SUMMERS!! And us, God bless us, a fiery little spark of a kid, were UNFAZED by the experience of tearing apart a fresh bright orange, gleefully biting right into that vivid color, the juice not seen as mess but of its vitality overflowing in joy. In a prayer for true humility & gratitude & acceptance, we anchored ourself INTO that memory AND state of self, and God carried us through. The whole experience was a wondrous, essential exercise in UNITING our REAL historical past, and our pure child-self, with our PRESENT self, to be HEALED & WHOLE!
✖ A chastisement: DON'T EAT THE PEEL!! An orange isn't an apple! Biting RIGHT into it is a REJECTION of its INHERENT sectioned structure; by NOT peeling & dividing it AS IT IS SPECIALLY MADE TO ALLOW, you DENY its uniquely PROPER form and IMPOSE YOUR OWN IDEA that OPPOSES REALITY!!! Plus, orange oil DOES leave a very bitter, lingering taste/ irritation, probably because you SHOULDN'T BE EATING IT, honestly!
+ The muffin WAS A JOY, shockingly NOT scary at ALL! Even the scent was enjoyable! So whatever "anxiety" we had last week wasn't even applicable anymore today! Thanks be to God! We also had that blessing of butter to add to it today, which instantly reminded us of home, and freshly baked/ buttered ones.
+ I CANNOT GET OVER HOW GOOD THE CINNAMON TEA IS EVEN PLAIN! It's definitely our favorite. And it tastes RED! Get some for home!
+ We're still on the fence about coffee. We treasure its concept & associations & scent, BUT the taste is split-- we like the subtle bitter tone but something about it also doesn't vibe. We'll need to try again tomorrow. Still, sipping it WAS enjoyable. BTW we only took HALF a cup, then after sipping half of that, we filled the rest with soymilk. Weirdly that taste data didn't register? Probably nerves; we were anxious over "is it 'proper' or wise/ prudent to drink it WITH the muffin, or straight?" So we did both but neither registered, unsurprisingly. "Double-mindedness" is IMPURE MOTIVATION and Scripture STRONGLY warns against it! So please, PRAY and then CHOOSE. No vacillating, no fear of commitment, no perfectionism!!! TRUST THE SPIRIT!
+ The cheese omelet did trigger some significant initial anxiety, as the "kneejerk" VISUAL association is still the August binge-hell, and the Pokemon SV "Tumblr corruption" nighttime obsessiveness. Just bad vibes. BUT we can get over that. God can heal us. God alone can remove those associations and fears, and free our heart from that dread and choking regret. We DID get a preview of that hope today, because as I said, that anxiety is VISUAL-- once we taste it, it's CHILDHOOD. And we do enjoy the taste, genuinely. It has inherent salt! You can't taste the distinct yolk, but the whites are clearly detectable in the airiness. I think there might be butter in it too? Either way, the texture is so nice, and we're beginning to like that orange cheese too; it's nicer when softened by the heat & moisture of the omelet. It'll be pure joy soon enough, I'm sure. Pray for that & wait for Sunday morning!! ♥



post-group//

✳ The art lady just said: "NOTHING IS EVER JUST ONE TONE." The light spectrum ITSELF is unitive, inherently plural in tone & harmony-- WHITE LIGHT ITSELF CONTAINS EVERY HUE IN UNITED PERFECTION!! But in OUR Spectrum, we've been forcing monochromaticism, DESPITE EVERYONE HAVING A "COMPLEMENT" IN THEIR OWN SCHEME!!! The OBVIOUS signs of this phenomenon are ANCIENT, too-- Julie NEVER had matching eyes/ hair UNTIL she moved into PINK, and EVEN THEN she kept (AND keeps!!) resonating hard with YELLOW! Laurie is INTRINSICALLY paired with RED; Razor has ALWAYS heavily carried BLACK; even the CORES have FOREVER been RED PLUS WHITE/BLACK. The examples of this phenomenon being ACTUAL BUT OVERLOOKED/ UNACKNOWLEDGED are STAGGERING and EXPLAINS WHY SO MANY "UNSURE"-HUED NOUSFONI GET MORE UNSTABLE BY TRYING TO BE MONOCHROMATIC!!! We have GOT to make an EXTENSIVE list, ASAP-- this could be the KEY to FINALLY getting the Spectrum in a NEW & PROPER working ORDER!!



post-lunch//

Ziti/ sauce/ breaded chicken/ cheese/ parmesan/ dinner roll/ butter/ grape juice/ vanilla ice cream/ tea.

+ I am SHOCKED at how genuinely enjoyable the ziti AND tomato sauce both are, especially with the parmesan (and salt & pepper, too)! Honestly, two weeks ago, ALL THREE of those ingredients TERRIFIED us. Now we're saying extra prayers of gratitude when it's on our plate! THAT'S THE WORK OF GOD. He still does miraculous healings, and we're the blessed proof, unworthy though we are. He's lifting us out of the hell of the eating disorder, ever more day by day, hour by hour even. It's so wonderful. God, thank You for the gift of hope, and for this new life, living FOR YOU. Please preserve & protect us. Please give us grace, patience, absolute trust in You, and a humble heart. Help us to heal ever more deeply.
+ The chicken parm tasted like family dinners, & was lovely. Don't even nibble the breading off separately! (We didn't "stack" the cheese either!)
+ Dinner roll & butter still perfect. Grape juice is ENJOYABLE now! Oh-- today we really paid attention & it tastes like the PEEL, too, not just the clear juice-- an obvious visual fact we still never considered! Fully tasting that & tapping memory, we found... the CHILDHOOD GARDEN GRAPES!! ♥
+ The vanilla ice cream has such an interesting & nice texture! It's not "icy" like the store-tub ones, or hard. It's nice, gently sweet and melting around the edges without getting watery. We're learning to both like and appreciate desserts, now-- and rightfully so, because remember the raisins in the OT? "Go, eat rich foods & drink sweet drinks," to rejoice in the LORD and on His holy days? He INVENTED sweetness-- or perhaps more accurately, the tangible phenomenon OF sweetness only exists because it EMANATES from Him, the SOURCE of all we consider sweet, AND the ultimate destination/ fulfillment of it. So give thanks for the desserts HE gives you! Enjoy their sweetness and let it lead you closer to Him! ♥ That is our goal with ALL our meals-- "do ALL things for the glory of God!!"



post-dinner//

grilled cheese, potato wedges w/ rosemary, ketchup, salt & pepper, peaches, & a VANILLA SHAKE 'EM UP!

+ Well, we tried again, but grilled cheese does NOT go with ketchup!! It's WAY too acidic. Now we know. Other than that misjudgment, the sandwich was a joy. It will forever make us think of grandma. ♥ Just remember-- that cheese is on THICK and the crust is CHEWY so give it time, take SMALL BITES, and DON'T RUSH!! Relax and gratefully enjoy the gift of it.
+ The potatoes are cooked in a way that preserves their moisture so they're soft and NOT STARCHY, just dense. It's SO NICE. They're perfect with just s&p, but we can't remember ketchup combo data again, probably due to anxiety over its loud vinegar bite jarring with the cheese earlier. Ah well. We'll get another shot. Still, without it, they were lovely, and yet another dear reminder of grandma.
+ Speaking of grandma... today we got PEACHES, the exact kind Cioci Ann used to buy for her in the glass bottles. Honestly, realizing that is making our heart ache in the best way. It feels like she's smiling down on us in a special way today. I love you too, grandma! ♥ For the record, peaches are "scary in concept" (TBAS) but not in experience! Canned ones have the COOLEST TEXTURE. Fresh ones do too!
+ THAT SHAKE 'EM UP HAD 31 GRAMS OF SUGAR but we said "OBEDIENCE UNTO DEATH," poured half into our tea and CHUGGED it. Courage! No time for anxiety! So that worked. We did taste about ⅓ plain and it's unusual! It's more watery than a milkshake, leans blue not yellow, but doesn't taste like the other sweet dairy because it's mostly MILK PROTEIN. So it has a slight "whey powder" flavor to it. It's not bad, but it's not something we'd pick out, as it were. It is at is is. But we WANT to be sincerely grateful for it, so next time it's an our tray we WON'T chug it, haha. We'll trust God's judgment & protection, and really experience it AS a gift. By the way-- that fear of sugar in general? Remember that WE DIDN'T GET A "SUGAR RUSH" AFTER DRINKING IT! God is good!! The protein & fat probably acted as a buffer. See? God takes care of you! So don't be afraid. "Shake OFF" your fears, and rejoice in His sweetness and strength together!!



post-snack//

Our usual Cheddar/ Salsa Sun Chip duo. For the record-- we have made SO MUCH PROGRESS here already. We eat them OUT OF THE BAG, not ripping it. We eat them WITH OUR HANDS, not a spoon. We eat them AS WHOLE CHIPS, not biting into them or crumbling them up. We DON'T OBSESS OVER CRUMBS, leaving the inevitable residue in the bag instead of trying to eat every fragment. AND... we AREN'T AFRAID OF GETTING THE CRUMBS & POWDERED CHEESE ON OUR HANDS!!! Yes it's inconvenient & uncomfortable, BUT now we can shrug it off and just... clean our hands afterwards. No guilt or shame meltdowns, just normal innocent "mess" & cleanup. It's as simple as that. But THAT is a LEGIT MIRACLE. And oh we PRAYED SO HARD for this. Oh thank You, our Good and gracious, incomprehensibly merciful and loving God!! Without You we could NEVER heal, OR be clean... but Your Son has washed us in His Blood, and now... we are free to love & worship Him, IN THIS. ♥