the spectrum heart cathedral system

Well, it's my last day at COPE. I'm honestly feeling such bittersweet grief. I want to stay, to learn more, to get closer to people, to be part of this growing & healing & helping community. But... I'm still terrified of gaining weight. At least, as long as weight = this "chunky" feeling & swollen face & body stiffness. I'm genuinely NOT comfortable being this big. My only two hopes are: either to "diet & restrict" W/O purging, OR to become a gym rat TANK. Both are weirdly appealing in different ways. I DO want a small body, pure & light & childlike. BUT if that's truly impossible as far as "being an adult with my genetics" is concerned, then TANK IT IS. And I know I keep using that word, but that's what it feels like-- if I'm doomed to be thick & slow & heavy, then at least let me be STRONG, and let me be a PROTECTOR.
...Like my beloved. Well isn't that some beautiful irony.
But honestly, although when I had an anorexic-thin body-- although I DIDN'T & COULDN'T see it that way (and still can't, not truly)-- I wasn't strong. It was becoming impossible to even RUN. And I wonder-- if the symptoms I assumed were "long COVID" were actually MALNUTRITION. God I HOPE so. That means I can still shape up! But I CAN'T OVERDO IT EITHER. 2 hours a day, tops? Not four!! And I STILL NEED TO EAT. But eating will hurt less & be less scary once this body gets more muscular & toned; right now it's flabby & weak, which doesn't help with anything. So there's a good, honest goal: get in shape AND eat for fuel!
Yes I will admit I REALLY just want to QUIT EATING. I miss the light & empty freedom; I do. BUT THAT'S NOT SUSTAINABLE. It's like trying to drive a car with no gas. Like it or not, I DO HAVE TO EAT. ...But I really need to think about it differently. "Eating" FEELS carnal & dehumanizing & SXABUSIVE even to say. "Feeding" is also animalistic & sterile & sexual & upsetting. "Fueling" is a bit better. "Nourishing" is GROSS & makes me acutely nauseous; it sounds and feels invasive, in a horribly traumatic way. So we NEED our OWN WAY of referring to eating WITHOUT using these words, OR "food," "meals," "snacks," "dessert," "consume," "feast," etc. It's ALL either FURIOUSLY INFANTILIZING, GROSSLY CARNAL, or SEXUALLY TRAUMATIC. That's awful to admit but it is the absolute truth. No wonder we have this bloody disorder. STILL, there IS a biological reality here that we MUST acknowledge & respect, because GOD INVENTED IT even if we don't like it-- yet, God willing, and we know He is. He has to be. There IS a GOD-ORDAINED FUNCTION here (HEAVEN is a "banquet") that MUST be honored AS GOD INTENDED, FOR HIS SAKE.

1. Describe how you can practice self-compassion with your inner voice.

• Acknowledge the VALIDITY of critical/ angry/ bitter nousfoni voices, and BE SOFT & GENTLE TO THEM!
• Discern and practice encouraging statements: be encouraging & supportive, not harsh & critical, to ALL.
• Actively practice a gentler, more tender quality of tone-- sing with your heart, talk to your beloveds aloud, practice saying kind phrases to nousfoni who need to hear them, so I can also say the same to those around me in the outerworld
• TRY to de-weaponize touch?? Write down ideas of what would feel safe? Don't think too hard; go with the damaged deep-down child responses. Practice paying attention to normal sensory input in safe, solitary, everyday life, to normalize the typical experience of physical sensory input in the first place.

2. List five positive attributes about yourself. What are five things about yourself that you value and know to be true in your wise mind? (These attributes must be RELIABLE= THEY DO NOT WAVER EVEN IN CRISIS!!)

• PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTE = my scars. They are "retribution" and proof that I WAS CONTRITE, AND cared DEEPLY about "making things right again". They are also proof of the System, of both our shared pain and our shared love, beyond all doubt.
• CHARACTER TRAIT = HOPE; my determination to love & learn & grow; my deep desire to help others even when it's difficult; always want to be brave & honest; inherent spirituality and shockingly tenacious faith
• ACCOMPLISHMENT = The Leagueworlds: all their literature, art, and music, including the vast portfolio of imaginative outpouring from childhood that we have long since forgotten or lost (its impact and historical reality still matter); the poetry & creative writing & journals I have written; my singing at church?
• RELATIONSHIP = How much I love/d and took care of grandma; the absolute committed-against-all-odds love I have with Chaos 0 AND Laurie
• OTHER = I am part of the Spectrum; I am a child of God; I am my mother's daughter; I am part of humanity and I AM worthy of LOVE

3. Describe what you can do to create a kind environment.

• PUT UP PICTURES/ PHOTOS OF FAMILY/ BELOVEDS, especially in trigger spaces-- "DO IT FOR THEM' recovery motivation!!
• Rearrange my apartment so I feel SAFE & "AT HOME" in it; reject "expectations"/ "obligations"!! ONLY DO/ USE WHAT "FEELS RIGHT"-- FOR THE ENTIRE SYSTEM!!!
• Get one or two little things that CLEARLY reflect my personal aesthetic/ vibe? Go through Etsy and find something; light/ rainbows/ hearts/ jewels come to mind.
• DO SYSTEM "DATES"-- have movie nights, go out with Genesis, befriend the Socials?? Honestly MAKE OUR DAILY LIFE "OURS." Actively acknowledge and LIVE AS "US."

4. Practice radical self-acceptance. What can you practice accepting?

• My inclination to like quiet & keeping mostly to myself? Yes, I LOVE PEOPLE, but I need serious time to recharge, cannot talk for long without crashing, and require SOME distance at all times to not burn out!
• My "ineptitude" in art/ music/ writing; I feel like a perpetual amateur, doomed to inadequacy and irrelevance when all I WANT to do is GIVE AND SHARE that LOVE & JOY!! Ironically that's what kids are the best at-- and that's the level I'm "stuck" at!
• My tendency to be "passive aggressive" and avoid confrontation/ offense; I feel like a coward and a backstabber, and have been accused as such. But I just don't want to hurt or insult anyone, OR exacerbate any self-worth issues THEY may have!
• My impulses to "show off," "prove myself," "entertain/ educate," etc. Deep down I hope I'm just trying to be useful, adequate, someone who CAN help and would be ALLOWED to?? 

5. Describe how you can practice turning your mind to deeply like yourself (for example, how you can turn your mind from a negative self-judgment to a compassionate fact).

• "I don't do enough for other people" → "I always want to do good for others, and WILL do what I can according to my current means; I DO care"
• "I complain too much" → "I am in touch with my pain and have a strong protective instinct. I am still learning that it is SAFE to sit with pain and discomfort at times."
• "I'm not religious enough" → "I DO love God and my faith is the true north of my life. Scrupulosity won't "make me holy" OR "get me into heaven." Jesus alone does; my only job is to LOVE with HIS LOVE."
• "I'm a selfish coward" → "Trauma history makes me hesitate. As I recover, I will become more able TO courageously act on the honest love I DO feel and WANT to give to others."

SELF-COMPASSION EXERCISE

1. If your emotions are unbalanced and impulsive, your perspective rigid and one-sided, and your mind closed to alternatives, how can you be more mindful?

Don't obsess over future plans OR feel required to "perpetuate / relive" the past; "step out of head" & OBSERVE emotions honestly; ASK & LISTEN to EVERYONE in the System equally; write pros/cons lists?; don't go out in public without a list & schedule to prevent mania BUT do ONE little unplanned GOOD THING that's NOT a purchase DAILY?? Journal mindful eating? Regularly do "observation meditations"; SLOW DOWN!!

2. If you are obsessed with and fixated on what's wrong, unable to trust yourself, how can you take a step back and be less obsessed? 

Find ways to fix, or even TRANSMUTE, what is "wrong" into a RIGHT situation? Rely on GOD to "fill up" where I am inevitably, humanly inadequate-- "His Grace & Power are made perfect IN OUR weakness"!! Look at the bigger picture: COMMUNITY/ ETERNITY focus instead; surrender to WHAT IS, all under God's control, and COOPERATE/ FLOW with it WILLINGLY; do your moral best BUT always pray and ONLY trust GOD. Trusting in Him allows us TO act, although prone to sin, for we HOPE in His MERCY to help us!

3. Failure, struggle, and feelings of inadequacy are a part of the human condition. How do you remind yourself that you are part of the whole? 

CONNECT SAFELY WITH OTHERS (IN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- NOT "ONE ON ONE"; NO SELF-OBSESSION); JOIN an online and/or local group/community for something I'm LEGIT PASSIONATE ABOUT; connect more with local parishes; VOLUNTEER; HAGIOGRAPHIES; read Scripture verses about Christian community & the Kingdom of God; read personal devotionals and testimonies; write about my struggles & failures & share them somehow?? REMEMBER HOW THE ARCHIVES HELPED PEOPLE!!!

4. If you feel separate and cut off from the rest of the world, thinking everyone else has it better or easier, what can you do to decrease isolation now? 

TALK TO THE SYSTEM YOU GOOF. YOU'RE NEVER ALONE; THEY ALWAYS CARE & UNDERSTAND & WANT TO HELP YOU!! GO TO MASS; visit dad; call mom AND regularly help her out up the house; chill at the library? Even stop by a local restaurant?? SIT OUTSIDE WITH THE NEIGHBORS! Get active in a HEALTHY online community, ESPECIALLY with faith/ art/ fandoms!

5. If you are not loving, kind, or tender towards yourself, refusing to show yourself patience or understanding, what can you do to increase self-kindness? 

AGAIN, TALK TO THE SYSTEM. Legit hold Xanga sessions regularly to DISCUSS & EXPRESS our difficulties & hurts & fears & problems. Remember to "love your neighbor as YOURSELF." Remember how much GOD loves you-- remember Jesus, AND mom, AND Laurie & Chaos 0 & Mister Sandman & Genesis & Infinitii & SO MANY OTHERS. Read the letters you have saved. Print out archive snippets of LOVE TOWARDS YOU and pin them up everywhere. Remember how much you loved grandma, and remember how she ALWAYS told you to treat yourself just as compassionately.

6. If your are disapproving, intolerant, impatient, tough, and coldhearted towards yourself, what can you do to decrease self-judgment?

WRITE IT OUT. Vent the pain & tears & fear & frustration & regret & RAGE. Let EVERYONE talk, and then RESPOND IN LOVE. Remember that YOU ARE NOT GOD and you WILL slip & stumble & hurt yourself & others UNINTENTIONALLY. Every human being does. BUT. Please, see EVERY injury as something to be kissed better. Transmute that pain with compassion. "Defeat evil WITH GOOD." OPEN YOUR HEART. "Forgive us our sins and we forgive others' sins." ALL THROUGH JESUS!! ONLY HE CAN JUDGE YOU, AND HE DOESN'T. THAT'S LOVE.


Final notes:

+ ADMIT WHEN IT HURTS. Do NOT deny pain OR TRY TO "LIKE IT"!!
+ Similarly, ADMIT STRUGGLE, NO PROUD DENIAL of human weakness!!
+ "We all struggle in our lives" = I AM PART OF THE "ALL"!! You aren't a reject!
+ Find the words that YOU NEED in your times of suffering. DON'T PARROT ANYTHING BLINDLY.
+ Forgive yourself, too.

This is a cross. This is a literal cross. It's meant to kill me, as DESERVED RETRIBUTION for all the sins I have committed through the eating disorder. I deserve this. I really do deserve this. This is just deserts, for the YEARS of sin.
For gorging myself with junk, I am now FORCED to do so. For the thousands of times I vomited, I now ALWAYS have to feel like I'm about to puke. For all the stress I caused my family, I now have CHRONIC anxiety & panic attacks. For all my dehydration, I now can't even STOMACH water. For the abuse of my stomach, it is now causing ME unending pain & nausea. For all the money I wasted, I now have NO accessible funds OR freedom of purchases. For all the bad thoughts I had, I now have SO many headaches. For all my insistence on allergies, I now CANNOT properly breathe on a regular basis. For all the "self-idolatry" of thinness, my body is now BLOATED & STIFF & MONSTROUS, incapable of being admired or boasted in. For all those years of disordered eating & control obsession, my life is now FORCED to revolve around "refeeding" & "weight restoration" & NO CONTROL AT ALL.
I have been stripped of everything, beaten justly, and NAILED TO THIS CROSS.
I am realizing that now. There IS NO ESCAPE and there CANNOT BE, not until I DIE.
And I can't decide on when, either. It's ALL in God's hands.
...And that is my ONLY HOPE.
Yes, I am suffering through HELL now, and for the rest of my life-- BUT. IT'S ALL A CROSS. IT'S JUST PUNISHMENT. IT'S PENITENTIAL. And if I join my Patron, Dismas, in his humble contrite acceptance, and TURN TO CHRIST WITH REPENTANCE, then even when I DO DIE FROM THIS, I'LL ALREADY HAVE SUFFERED HELL. I'll have ACCEPTED my sentence and THE WILL OF GOD IN IT. And then when I die, IF I have TRUSTED IN CHRIST ALONE TO SAVE ME, then ALL this hellish suffering is MY DEBT BEING PAID. It is MY BLOODY & BLESSED SHARE IN THE PASSION OF CHRIST. God has GIVEN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO DO EXPLICIT PENANCE FOR MY SINS BEFORE I DIE. If I die with Christ ON THIS CROSS, in the SAME WAY HE DID-- with LOVING SURRENDER & TRUST IN GOD & COURAGEOUS SUFFERING FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS-- then I will BE WITH HIM WHEN I DIE.
If I embrace the Cross, for the love of Jesus, every pain will be TRANSFORMED into a redemptive sacrifice!! If I STOP TRYING TO "FIGHT" & CHEAT & STARVE & "GET THIN" AGAIN, not to be healthy but out of FEAR & HATE & REJECTION, and instead SURRENDER TO THE REALITY GOD HAS PLACED ME IN-- a reality of POVERTY & ACCOUNTABILITY & HONESTY & INTEGRITY & LIFE & HARDWORK & SACRIFICE & COURAGE & HUMILITY-- then I will have the PEACE OF CHRIST, which CONQUERS THE WORLD. But please, you MUST remember that VICTORY BELONGS TO GOD ALONE, and GOD IS LIFE & TRUTH & LOVE. God is gentleness & patience & joy, longsuffering & generosity & kindness, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL HOPE. The ONLY way we CAN survive this "hell" is by LETTING CHRIST "HARROW" IT.
EMBRACE THE CROSS!! Please! Do it with LOVING TRUST!! Have FAITH!! Yes this is painful & scary & difficult but GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL & THIS IS STILL FOR YOUR HIGHEST GOOD. You cannot halfass this. You CANNOT love halfheartedly! GOD DEMANDS YOUR ALL, and RIGHTEOUSLY SO-- because when you give ALL to God, the devil gets NOTHIN'!!
So chin up, kiddo. God knows what He's doing AND where we're going, so hold His Hand, set your face towards the Light, and WALK WITH HIM!!

What will move me closer to how I would like to live, or what is more in line with my personal values?

I value tender-heartedness, compassion, MERCY, sincerity, gentleness, kindness, courage, justice... my resistance to forgive is CLASHING with these. To be brave would be to FACE the truth of my pain. JUSTICE would be acknowledging it was wrong, BUT ALSO refusing to PERPETUATE pain?? I daresay TBAS suffered enough when I left. ... Honestly THAT is motive enough for compassion, if I'm seeking one. Don't filter out the TRUTH of THEIR experiences in this matter.
I want to live with a TENDER HEART, a BRAVE HEART, a GENTLE yet STRONG heart. Such a heart CAN'T HELP BUT FORGIVE, even the WORST pains. FOLLOW JESUS. THE CROSS IS A BLESSING; IT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF THE MOST POWERFUL LOVE POSSIBLE. IT'S GRACE.


Which path leads to more suffering?

Bitterness, regret, rage, despair... it does no good and CANNOT do any good. HOWEVER, EMOTIONS ARE SIGNPOSTS TO DEEPER THOUGHTS, so that suffering MUST BE LOOKED AT, NOT DENIED OR IGNORED, in order to heal! Forgiveness CANNOT HAPPEN IN TRUTH UNLESS YOU ADMIT THERE IS SOMETHING TO FORGIVE. Also... this thought "I deserve to suffer for what I did" shows that you need to forgive YOURSELF for the trauma, too.


What do I fear I may lose if I were to practice forgiveness? Is this fear justified?

I'm afraid I will lose "moral integrity"? Which is IMPOSSIBLE because JESUS FORGIVES!!! BUT actually I think it's because I WOULD "MAKE MYSELF THE ABUSER" if I forgave them? Because I LET THEM DO IT, because I LOVED THEM? and they said THAT WAS LOVE? and so it's HARD TO KNOW WHAT TO FORGIVE in EITHER of us. I destroyed myself and suffered such psychospiritual damage, in the attempt to love and be loved. But they had the wrong definition of love? If I forgive them, what do I do with the pain? the grief? the disgust? the despair and terror? If I forgive them, I fear that my real suffering will be invalidated? 


Would my life be more fulfilling if I were able to relax vigilance about the past hurt or grievance?

YES!! I am SO TIRED of being haunted by the event(s). I WANT to let go and move on, IN COMPASSIONATE FREEDOM. Right now, it's wrecking me. I can't fully face the reality of what happened; I want to CRY & SCREAM & DIE, EVEN NOW, because the LOSS was THAT GUTTING. But I WANT TO BE WHOLE AGAIN. If I forgive, will I lose that chance? How do I come to terms with the WOUND?? CAN it ever stop hurting? SHOULD it, if the injury was SPIRITUAL? God, what do I do? HALF THE FAULT IS MINE. I'm struggling so much.


Am I holding onto my fear or anger for other reasons (e.g., secret desire for revenge)?

I want to scream, "IT WAS WRONG!! THAT WASN'T LOVE!! YOUR VIOLENCE AND LUST AND POSSESSIVENESS WERE NOT LOVE!!! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT??" I WANT them to see that, THROUGH REVEALING THE WOUNDS IT INFLICTED??? But they DO KNOW, don't they? Haven't I said so? But they didn't believe me. They were PROUD of their "conquering me." They said I was making it all up, to "hide the truth" they alleged-- that I had "WANTED" it. God HOW DO I FORGIVE without somehow "making that true"??? IF I LET GO OF THE PAIN & ANGER, I HAVE NO "PROOF" THAT THEY ACTED ABUSIVELY. If I "let go," then it feels like I'm "ACCEPTING" their behavior. And I CAN'T. SHOULD I?? How do I "accept" without "embracing"?? BECAUSE THAT GOT ME RAPED LAST TIME.

DIALOGUE WITH "ED", PART TWO

Revisit the conversation with "ED," but use your "recovery voice" to respond.

★ TOO MUCH OF "INTELLECTUALIZATION" DENIAL HERE!!!

ED:
I can't stop. I've tried. I just make so many stupid scary mistakes with the food; I get SO FRIGHTENED of what it will do to my body so I HAVE to throw it up. Feeling that MISTAKE, that SIN, that WRONGNESS in my stomach is UNBEARABLE and I CAN'T LIVE with that existential terror. I HAVE TO GET IT OUT.
YOU:
The more we learn proper nutrition & healthy coping skills, the LESS "mistakes" we will make. Following our hospital mealplan will ALSO help, since we won't be "guessing" and feeling thus INCAPABLE of right decision! Food isn't "evil" or a "sin"-- feeling it is NOT a condemnation, or a set of shackles. Think of what "foods" ARE-- LIFE!!

ED:
I don't want to eat. It feels invasive, all that swallowing, all that touching in the mouth. It's WRONG. I don't want to put anything in me. I want to be empty & pure & CLEAN. Eating things destroys them and makes me abusive. I want to be HOLY & UNTOUCHED.
YOU:
Dude, JESUS ATE! So eating, in and of ITSELF, is OBJECTIVELY FINE. They even ate in pure Eden-- AND Heaven is a "feast"!! I know you want to feel empty ALWAYS because of trauma, but then you can't be "full" of LIGHT & LOVE & GRACE, either. Don't be a void. Eating is NOT abusive-- it's TRANSMUTATION & PERPETUATION of LIFE!! Holiness IS VULNERABLE!!

ED:
When I drop food, it becomes DIRT. It BELONGS ON THE PLATE and if I RUIN that harmony it CHANGES INTO FILTH. I can't stand it. I get food on myself like a WHORE, filthy & wrong. I don't want to eat because it's SO DIRTY. I'm worse than a baby. I'm such a pig.
YOU:
When apples fall off the tree onto the ground, do they "become dirt?" No-- even YOU pick 'em up & check 'em out! And even if they are buggy, they're STILL FEEDING ANOTHER LIFE FORM. Besides, FLOWERS GROW FROM DIRT! And PLATES DON'T EXIST IN NATURE. It's okay. Babies aren't evil. Pigs aren't either, actually. A "mess" ISN'T "sinful," it's just something that happens. Your MOTIVES are vital!!

ED:
Sometimes I get so hungry I HAVE to eat or the body won't work right. I feel so helpless. I CAN'T STOP once I start. I buy foods I "must eat" and choke them down, terrified. It makes me sick. I feel like I'm trying to please or appease or obey someone, like I'll be rejected if I don't "prove I CAN eat everything."
YOU:
The body DOES need to eat to survive. That's the POINT of hunger; you're not sinning by listening to that signal; it's DESIGN. The reason why you "can't stop" is because you're STARVING. But NO FOODS ARE "OBLIGATORY" ON PAIN OF PUNISHMENT!! Eat to please GOD, NOT PEOPLE. And He NEVER forces or compels you to choke ANYTHING down. Rest in His peace!!

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COPING WITH COMMENTS

You may be faced with comments from individuals about sensitive topics relating to the eating disorder.
List possible comments, your immediate response, and a more helpful response you can use in recovery.


COMMENT:
"Your figure is filling out so nicely"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
I WANT TO DIE INSTANTLY. may black out and attempt to do so.
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Be honest? "I'm not comfortable with that!" "I don't know what you mean by that; can you explain?" "What do you mean, 'figure'?" DO NOT just say "thanks" if you DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM!!!

COMMENT:
(physically stopping me from eating) "That's enough."
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Out of control. undeserving of ANY food; want to throw up/ destroy ALL food; angry, violent, sobbing
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Meekly accept this. Apologize for slipping into near-behaviors. THANK them for caring enough to intervene; I was probably dissociated &/or unaware of PROPER portions!

COMMENT:
"Now make sure you don't throw it up!"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Humiliated, shame; "why even try"; feel damned to forever be seen AS my past failures & struggles
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
"I will do my very best, but please have faith in me too. It hurts when I feel like I'm being expected to relapse." ENFORCE SMO with THEIR HELP; PROVE you're trying!!

COMMENT:
ANYTHING about "looking like a woman/ female/ etc." and/or "attractiveness"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
RAGE & DESPONDENCY; self-loathing. TRAPPED; want to reject & deny that cursed reality. Likely FREEZE or FIGHT; shutdown or EXPLODE
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
IF SAFE, mention gender issues? OR just say something like "I'm not comfortable/ don't feel safe with that language"?? Call them out and ask "does that matter??" "THAT'S NOT THE POINT?" 

COMMENT:
"You've put on so much weight!" "You're so much BIGGER now!"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
FEAR; I STILL REALLY WANT TO BE SMALL? / "Yeah, and I'm MISERABLE about it" / Probably get angry & WEEP/ RAGE; helpless
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
"I know! I'm gonna be a TANK!" but seriously, maybe ask for reassurance? "IS that a good thing?" ADMIT that I'm scared? "I'm struggling with the changes"?

COMMENT:
"I'm glad THAT'S over with." "Took you long enough."
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Humiliated, AND anxious-- "cannot show ANY symptoms or struggles"; "FAILED at recovery"
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Explain that IT'S AN ADDICTION; I will need to fight to "stay clean" FOR LIFE; it will ALWAYS be an echo. Recovery is a PROCESS, too! It's NEVER "DONE!" 

COMMENT:
"Now are you going to eat like a NORMAL person?"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Defensive; "what if I CAN'T?" or "what is normal?" / Might "go through the motions" then immediately purge in an act of rebellion; I don't WANT to be "like everybody"??
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
Tell them that I'm UNSURE WHAT THAT MEANS and if they want me to "be normal" they MUST TELL ME HOW. Still maintain recovery plan; emphasize that? But COOPERATE meekly!!

COMMENT:
(when buying food) "Are you going to eat that or waste it?"
UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
Think, "THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN THING"; SAY SO. Refuse to buy any food at all. / Start crying; "I WANT to eat it"; still purge from self-hatred
RECOVERY RESPONSE:
ADMIT struggle? "I know I HAVE to eat it, but honestly I don't want to. What do you think I should do?" Maybe ask also, "What would be wasting it?" before you admit that you don't want to eat anyway. Don't get defensive!!


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LIST OF POSITIVES

List some positive qualities and aspects you can recognize & admit in yourself.
If possible, ask some individuals that you trust to list some good qualities they see in you.

+ Hope in God/ strong faith/ prayer
+ Intelligent, insightful, self-aware, perceptive? (So I've been told)
+ Creative, artistic, imaginative, inspiring
+ Loving, caring, considerate, cooperative
+ Well-spoken, articulate, good speaking & singing voice
+ Flexible, adaptable, tenacious, motivated
+ Courageous, dedicated, compassionate, sincere

GENESIS:
"You're my best friend; you taught me everything I know! You've never forgotten me, just like you promised. Without you, I'd be lost."

LAURIE:
"Kid, you are literally my reason to live. What I see in you is worth protecting. Your heart is gold. You can see the light in everything. Don't you ever give up. I'm here with you."

INFINITII:
"...You don't have it in you to hate. You always offer that second chance. I exist because you want to love things back to life. Do this shadow work with compassion. Live."

CHAOS 0:
"You love me. You are the rainbow after every storm. You are unquenchable joy; the fire of your soul will burn with love forever. I know this because I know YOU-- the TRUE you, no matter what the body you're in looks like. I love you. Forever."


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TRIGGERS

Make a list of things you consider to be triggers for your eating disorder behaviors.
Then, create a coping plan to adaptively handle the triggers.

★ BINGES ARE ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY PURGING


TRIGGER: EATING IN PUBLIC (BEING WATCHED)
WHY: Fear of "performance"; boosts "clean" obsession & anxious shame; eating to "impress" or "be approved"; analogous to sexual voyeurism
BEHAVIOR: Restriction, bingeing
COPING PLANS:
+ PEOPLE WATCH. TALK TO GENESIS. BRING A NOTEBOOK. SIT BY YOURSELF.
+ See people with love!! Don't be afraid! When you eat, DO IT TO PLEASE GOD, & don't worry about how others may react or judge. Love them! But respect your alone time, too!

TRIGGER: TALKING WHILE EATING (DIRECT ADDRESS)
WHY: "Social mode" trigger; VAPID CHATTERBOX. Loss of genuine self; "entertain/ appease"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ WAVE IT OFF OR HOLD UP A HAND/ FINGER. Be assertive!
★ TELL PEOPLE BEFOREHAND that you're NOT a talker!!
+ GROUNDING/ MINDFULNESS EXERCISES. Stay present!
+ Speak wisely & kindly, speak little, and DON'T "talk just to talk"!!

TRIGGER: "FEMININE" FIGURE (CURVES) ("BELLY")
WHY: "Look like abusers" = UNENDING FLASHBACKS; "BECOME" THE TRAUMA
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ SYSTEM HELP! Remember the BODY DOESN'T DEFINE YOU OR US!!
+ EXERCISE!! Do crunches & planks! Focus on abdominal training!
+ Look up POSITIVE/ HOLY role models who HAVE "curvier" bodies!
+ RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. It's genetics. WORK WITH IT; DON'T REJECT.

TRIGGER: "GETTING BIG/ HEAVY"; FEELING WEIGHT IN/ ON ABDOMEN
WHY: "Violation" feeling; heavy things on top of me; "pinned"; explicit trauma echoes
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Distract if it's real bad. Stretch? PRAY & BE MEEKLY PATIENT.
+ WEIGHT TRAINING. Put that "bigness" to good use! TANK UP!!
+ Think of INFI?? Realize what the "weight" IS-- plants & water & muscle to help you grow, and fat STORING VITAMINS & ENERGY for you!

TRIGGER: TRAUMA ECHOES: WORDS, CONTEXTS, SOUNDS (ESP. MUSIC)
WHY: "Perpetuation" of trauma; "no escape" = "WORLD is a threat" = unable to feel safe around ANYONE
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ PAUSE. CALM DOWN. THAT TRAUMA IS OVER and it CANNOT TOUCH YOU NOW. Take that power AWAY from it!! Ground & pray & get System support.
+ If you can, LEAVE THE AREA if risks continue. Do NOT "push through it"!!
+ ACTIVELY FORGIVE the current (and original) "perpetrators." ONLY LOVE & MERCY CONQUERS ALL.

TRIGGER: BEING DIRTY (FOOD ON HANDS/ FACE) (CRUMBS, SPILLS, ETC.)
WHY: NO LONGER "UNTOUCHED"; "Dehumanizing"; animal, disgusting, UNCLEAN, IMPURE
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Bring sanitizer with you?
+ REMEMBER MARK 7:18-19 & 5-6!! Don't panic!
+ NAPKINS: on table AND lap. Grab extra always. Carry tissues with you?
+ TAKE YOUR TIME AND STAY CONSCIOUS. Dissociating & rushing BOTH cause messes. EAT MINDFULLY & GRATEFULLY. Be HUMBLE! Lighten up too!

TRIGGER: FACED WITH "TOO MANY CHOICES" THAT ARE SCARY &/OR UNKNOWN; POTENTIAL FOR "CHALLENGE"
WHY: OBSESSIVE & FRANTIC FORCED "EXPOSURE" -- "ALL AT ONCE TO GET IT OVER WITH FOREVER"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ Start with one you THINK YOU'LL ACTUALLY EAT AGAIN/ LIKE!! DON'T "FORCE" STUFF JUST TO "GET EXPOSURE OVER WITH FOREVER." Choose a challenge ONLY if it feels RIGHT to do so; NO FEAR FORCING!
+ Learn to LOVE THE LIBERATING UNKNOWN. YOU DO NOT "have to know everything"! Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to what's for you-- and LEAVE the rest!!

TRIGGER: "MAKING A MISTAKE" WHILE EATING-- TOO MUCH, WRONG NUMBER, UNCLEAR DATA, "POISON," NEGATIVE EMOTION "SWALLOWING"
WHY: "WRONG"; the whole act is a FAILURE; "MUST RESET & RESTART"
BEHAVIOR: Bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ WRITE DOWN YOUR "RULES" & CHALLENGE 'EM FOR INTEGRITY. If they DON'T affect your health or soul, and/or if they're compulsive, JUNK 'EM!! Real health & goodness is NOT DOING BEHAVIORS!!
+ Eat in a calm, lovely environment, inside & out, to assuage anxieties.

TRIGGER: DESPAIR OVER BODY & TRAUMA; "NO HOPE FOR HEALING"; GIVE IN TO SELF-LOATHING & DESIRE TO ERASE SELF
WHY: "If I'm going to look/ feel like this AND be this haunted by trauma feelings forever, then I should just stop trying and DIE"
BEHAVIOR: Restricting, bingeing, purging
COPING PLANS:
+ NOTHING IS SET IN STONE!!! ALL CHANGES!! Take a few minutes to PUT PENNIES IN THE HOPE BANK. Life some weights & step some steps! Flex your growing muscles and PROMISE YOU WON'T STARVE THEM! Look at the beauty of GOD'S CREATION-- of FOOD-- and PROMISE TO BE A GOOD STEWARD OF IT!! Read Scripture & remember that GOD GIVES YOU NEW LIFE!!!


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PERFECTION

(open your heart, it's gonna be all right)

Make a list of the perfectionistic expectations you have for yourself.
Then, create a coping plan to adaptively challenge your perfectionism.

★ the caveat to ALL my expectations: "if I fail to do so, EVER, then MY EXISTENCE IS A FAILURE"

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS speak with wisdom, intelligence, clarity, and purpose"
CHALLENGE:
This IS a noble ideal, BUT it CANNOT BE FORCED!! Thinking "I MUST be wise" ACTUALLY PREVENTS WISDOM. Trying so hard to use "perfect & precise" language hinders CANDOR & OPENNESS. True clarity comes from the HEART, not obsession. Intelligence is "relative"-- stay educated, yes, but it DOESN'T make you "more worthy of being heard." Let your SOLE PURPOSE be EDIFICATION BY THE HOLY SPIRIT!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS know what to say when asked or expected or encouraged to"
CHALLENGE:
You're not an encyclopedia, search engine, or magic 8 ball. Again, LOOK TO GOD FOR HELP. When you rely on GRACE, you no longer have to try to "prepare for every possibility" because GOD WILL MEET EVERY SITUATION FOR YOU. And, if you DON'T have an answer, ADMIT IT. BE HUMBLE. But ALSO trust that if you SHOULD say something, GOD WILL INSPIRE YOU-- IF YOU ASK TO RECEIVE!

EXPECTATION:
"I must be entertaining, education, inoffensive, and WANTED"
CHALLENGE:
Those things VARY BETWEEN PEOPLE & it's LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to be ALL that for EVERYONE! Entertainment is NOT a noble motive, so DROP IT. Education should be HUMBLY acted upon-- NEVER see yourself as a "teacher!" You're just a student SHARING what you've learned; you are NOT AN AUTHORITY. Strive to be inoffensive, always speaking with care & kindness, but know that some folks will STILL insist on finding offense. As for being "wanted," seek that ONLY FROM GOD, and both respect and accept human refusal.

EXPECTATION:
"If I have ANY alleged skill at a task/ knowledge of a subject, I CANNOT stumble"
CHALLENGE:
"Stumbling" is HUMAN, INEVITABLE, & INOFFENSIVE! If a kid learning something new "gave up" when they stumbled, they'd NEVER BECOME ADEPT!! Stumbles are opportunities to GET EVEN BETTER, BUT they ALSO KILL PRIDE!!! So they're actually GOOD to have every so often!! Not only that, but you can LEARN from your "stumbles" in CREATIVE WAYS-- think of the new songs invented BY "wrong notes" being hit in BEAUTIFUL ways!! Plus, you're not a machine. Let those little fumbles speak to your human vulnerability, even as you strive to improve. 

EXPECTATION:
"If I fail to perform art/ music/ writing at high, even professional skill, I'm a TOTAL sham/ failure and "never actually learned""
CHALLENGE:
LEARNING IS A LIFELONG PROCESS & SKILLS ARE FOREVER IMPROVING. And we ALL start as TOTAL AMATEURS! It is impossible to pick up an instrument & instantly be "professional" at it. And that's the FUN & BEAUTIFUL part-- LEARNING! Skill improves bit by bit. Performing at a beginner's level is NOT failure-- it's BEGINNING!! Enjoy the process! You AREN'T expected to be "a pro" JUST because you're NOT A CHILD, physically. But then BE CHILDLIKE! Be open to NEW BEGINNINGS & growth!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS challenge myself and face my fears; NO "cowardice" or "seeking safety" allowed"
CHALLENGE:
FORCING "COURAGE" ISN'T VIRTUOUS. If you "do something scary" JUST to "prove you CAN survive," there's no MERIT in that! It's FOOLHARDINESS & FEAR masquerading as strength. When you DO face your fears, ADMIT that they're fears, & face them WITH GOD'S STRENGTH!! Also, SAFETY IS NOT "BAD." Seeking it at the expense of moral courage IS. But safety is an IDEAL, and a GOOD thing, ESPECIALLY to GIVE TO OTHERS! Lastly, DO challenge fears, WITH LOVE. DO challenge yourself, to GROW IN VIRTUE. Let THAT be your motive!

EXPECTATION:
"I must ALWAYS be actively working to achieve or accomplish something? "Idle hands are the devils slaves""
CHALLENGE:
REST IS HOLY TOO. THE SABBATH EXISTS FOR THAT REASON! "Achievement" can be QUIET & HIDDEN, too-- patience, prayer, temperance, hope... they are all HUGE victories, even if they aren't "evident" AS the HARD WORK they ARE. So yes, DO work with your hands, but ALSO with your HEART. And THAT is the work you must always do-- the work of SAVING GRACE, of building & supporting the Kingdom of Heaven!!


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CONTROL

Make a list of things you want to control, decide whether they are reasonable/ achievable, and then come up with reasonable alternatives of things that are actually in your control.

★ MOTIVATED BY "HELPLESSNESS" TERROR
★ "ALL OR NOTHING" CORE
★ Ask, "what CAN I control about/ related to that thing?"

I WANT TO CONTROL: BODY SHAPE (non-feminine, non-abusive)
CAN I?: Not safely
ALTERNATIVE: WORK WITH THE BULK. If I CAN'T be thin, I CAN be STRONG!! Instead of being "small enough to run and disappear," I can become "BIG enough to FIGHT & DEFEND"?? Is that morally allowable??

I WANT TO CONTROL: What goes into my body (sexual abuse overlap)
CAN I?: I HOPE SO!!!
ALTERNATIVE: DUDE YOU MUST CONTROL THIS. You must ALWAYS CHOOSE, WISELY AND WITH SELF-RESPECT & INTEGRITY, and ONLY EVER CHOOSING WHAT HONORS GOD. Receive what HE gives you with gratitude. But BE DISCERNING! BE GOOD!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Whether or not I feel sick after eating
CAN I?: To an extent; not guaranteed
ALTERNATIVE: Take meds if needed; they help what you CAN'T control (genetics, disease)! But DO be prudent with food choices; if something ACTUALLY & CONSISTENTLY causes you distress, DON'T EAT IT! There are plenty of other good foods available!

I WANT TO CONTROL: CLEANLINESS (moral overlap)
CAN I?: To an extent; but dirt ISN'T EVIL
ALTERNATIVE: Clean your apartment regularly, do your dishes immediately, take showers, wash your clothes & bedding, throw out unnecessary things, GO TO CONFESSION, watch your speech, delete junk files, organize stuff... cleanliness ISN'T "only about food!" Crumbs are MINOR!

I WANT TO CONTROL: PURITY (body empty)
CAN I?: NOT LIKE THIS
ALTERNATIVE: "Blessed are the poor IN SPIRIT!" THAT'S where the REAL HOLY "EMPTINESS" IS! Still, we SHOULD fast once a week. And we MUST spiritually be "empty" of ALL the "heavy" things weighing your heart down. Be empty of SIN & PRIDE. But be FULL OF LOVE.

I WANT TO CONTROL: Wild emotions ("starvation sedation")
CAN I?: NO; hunger backfires
ALTERNATIVE: Starving the body will TRIGGER emotional distress BY NATURE. Instead, remember that THOUGHTS CAUSE EMOTIONS, and hunt 'em down!! You CAN control those, and you CAN practice mindfulness to DISEMPOWER anything automatic/ intrusive/ wild!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Trauma flashbacks
CAN I?: I don't think so
ALTERNATIVE: THERAPY. GROUNDING. COPING SKILLS. POSITIVE FOCUSES. MINDFULNESS & PRAYER. We can DISEMPOWER flashbacks through FORGIVENESS & GRIEVING WHAT WAS LOST & REBUILDING LIFE & JOURNALING THROUGH PAIN. We CAN heal!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Organization/ precision
CAN I?: NOT meticulously
ALTERNATIVE: MIDDLE GROUND. Keep things neat but don't obsess over number & color & such. There is NO "RULE" saying things MUST be in even numbers or triplets or patterns to be "right." You WON'T "screw up" if you're a smidge over/ under a "mathematically precise" measure!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Variables/ unpredictability
CAN I?: Limitedly; NOT sustainable
ALTERNATIVE: Find the beauty in the chaos, wink nudge cough. Honestly surrender to the hidden but REAL pattern of GOD. I can't predict outcomes & odds, and trying to robs the future of its potential joy. Flow with it! Expect the unexpected! Be open & curious & willing to CHANGE!

I WANT TO CONTROL: "Work to be done"; measurable
CAN I?: YES, prudently!
ALTERNATIVE: MAKE LISTS & DAILY SCHEDULES! PRIORITIZE!! Determine what you CAN do today, REALISTICALLY, and break it down into steps. Don't freak out over tomorrow's work! It'll get here soon enough! For now, do what needs to be done NOW, and focus on that. SET SMART GOALS daily!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Time scheduling
CAN I?: To an extent; MUST be FLEXIBLE
ALTERNATIVE: Determine FIXED TIMES & PRIORITIES: church, sleep, meals, prayer. Then determine what FLUID priorities we have: creative work, cleaning, exercise. Lastly, PLAN FOR THE UNPLANNED, like doctors appointments & shopping trips! Adapt AROUND prioritized events!

I WANT TO CONTROL: CAPACITY for harm; "small = harmless"?
CAN I?: NO; besides, small CAN be vicious too
ALTERNATIVE: BECOME A PROTECTOR OF THE SMALL. BECOME STRONG & DEFEND THE VULNERABLE. TRUE harmlessness is INTERNAL; it is a COMPASSIONATE DEDICATION. Size has nothing to do with it. All men are equally capable of harm. BUT it is "reduced" by one's capacity for LOVE.

I WANT TO CONTROL: "Bad" behavior of others
CAN I?: NOPE; FREE WILL
ALTERNATIVE: YOU CANNOT, AND SHOULD NOT EVEN TRY TO, CONTROL OTHERS' BEHAVIOR. Acting in that motive is HARMFUL, merciless & arrogant. You can only TEACH, INSPIRE, HUMBLY CORRECT, & WARN WITH CARE. But the choice is THEIRS. Don't EVER act in proud anger!!

I WANT TO CONTROL: Safety/ security?
CAN I?: Not with food!!!
ALTERNATIVE: "FIND" A SAFE PLACE (CHURCH) & GO THERE if you need physical reassurance! BUT!! Remember that YOU ARE ALWAYS SAFE & SECURE IN GOD'S HANDS, no matter WHAT happens! REST IN THAT. Christ's peace is unbothered by ANY storm!


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SECRETS

The secretness of the eating disorder actually decreases as SELF-RESPECT decreases; feeling helpless or powerless to change, despite one's best efforts, causes DESPAIR and "GIVING UP" the fight to a certain extent; one thinks, tired to the soul, that "this will never end" and figures, "then why try to hide or conceal it? It "rules my life" anyway and I'm so tired of battling it already; why exhaust myself even more by denying that reality?" So, for me at least, NOT trying to hide symptoms anymore meant I had STOPPED RESISTING THEM AS "ABNORMAL" AND DECIDED TO REDEFINE "NORMAL" AS THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! This meant bingeing WITH people watching, purging and KNOWING people heard; openly spending all my money on obviously abnormal amounts/ ratios of food at abnormally frequent/ regular times (e.g. buying 20 bags of broccoli & a bottle of olive oil EVERY DAY for WEEKS) ...I just gave up resistance and let it "win." THAT is what ultimately almost killed me; it was becoming COMFORTABLE to surrender so lethally.

Still, secretiveness is a RED FLAG for disordered behaviors! Whenever I feel that I NEED to hide something, and I feel FEAR & SHAME about what I want to hide, THAT'S SOMETHING I NEED TO ACTIVELY & IMMEDIATELY REVEAL to someone of integrity!! Remember what Jesus said-- evil SEEKS the shadows TO hide!! But Christians are CHARGED to FIND & UNCOVER those hidden sins, to BRING THEM INTO SIGHT, into LIGHT, where they CAN BE HEALED & FORGIVEN! But you NEED to CONFESS them first, and you CAN'T confess what you're hiding.

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SPIRITUALITY

★ AT THE CORE OF OUR SPIRITUALITY, WE ARE ALWAYS ROMAN CATHOLIC. HONOR THAT FACT.
★ The most immediate & obvious aspect of how our faith is a KEY part of our recovery is THE EUCHARIST!! God Himself BECAME FOOD FOR US IN ORDER TO FEED OUR SOULS & GIVE US ETERNAL LIFE. Heaven ITSELF is compared to a "banquet" & a "WEDDING FEAST"; Jesus's first public miracle was even AT a wedding party! Jesus is called the "Vine," the "Bread of Life," AND the "Passover Lamb." He fed THOUSANDS because He REFUSED TO LET THEM GO HUNGRY! He speaks of how "ALL foods are clean" and CANNOT defile you. He ALSO says "DON'T WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL EAT! GOD KNOWS YOU NEED FOOD TO SURVIVE, AND IF YOU TRUST HIM-- NOT YOURSELF-- TO PROVIDE, HE ALWAYS WILL, and you will ALWAYS HAVE WHAT YOU NEED." But ALSO REMEMBER that Jesus emphasizes the GREATER NEED for SPIRITUAL FOOD.

(from various workbooks)

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TRAUMA RECOVERY

+ Trauma survivors may try to stay busy all the time so they don't have to talk or think about the event = that is ABSOLUTELY ME.
+ Trauma survivors may feel sad or numb, & lose interest in what they used to enjoy. It may be hard to feel or express any positive emotions. = Trauma killed off ALL our interests for YEARS. Positive emotions were crushed; they felt "dissonant" & "incomprehensible" amidst the terror. It ALSO caused FEAR/ DENIAL OF LOVE. (Terrified that vulnerability will invite or cause more abuse)
+ Trauma survivors may feel guilt or shame about the trauma itself, such as wishing they had done more to keep it from happening = EVEN IF THAT WOULD REALISTICALLY HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE!!
+ Trauma survivors may develop unhealthy behaviors = EATING DISORDER, ADDICTION, SELF-ABUSE, AGGRESSION, ETC.
+ Unwelcome memories about trauma can come up at any time = and they like to LOOP INSISTENTLY.
+ You may also have nightmares about the trauma = They may not be of the exact abuse memory, BUT EXACT "ESSENCE"
+ Trauma memories can happen because of triggers, which are things that remind you of the event. = Having complex/ prolonged/ repeated trauma means that we have MANY triggers, some "bizarre"-- as trauma increased, more things became associated with it through repetition, proximity, AND hyperarousal. Same with avoidance of situations that may be triggering: this can become EXTREME if trauma holds a large enough domain/ is socially apparent (sexuality; it's built in to EVERYONE so you CAN'T RUN)

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BODY IMAGE

+ Our obsession with this has TRAUMA/ OBJECTIFICATION ROOTS??? Focused on "CONTROL OF BODY", especially on how BIG/ HEAVY it is??? REFLECT ON THIS!!

Some of the most common consequences of body image obsession are:
Marginalization of other areas of life = Can't be "real me" IF fat/ big/ curvy, so CANNOT do ANY "self-involvement" activities!
Constantly checking weight & shape of the body = Constant terrified awareness; desperately wanting to see a change
Avoidance of the body = IT IS A PRISON/ ABUSER. "NOT ME." Wanted to REWIND PUBERTY/ ERASE TRAUMA "CHARACTERISTICS"; "return self"
Feeling of being fat = Trauma hypervigilance to touch; especially "sensations" concerning the physical location OF trauma

★ "BODY CONTROL" OBSESSION: response to LOSS OF CONTROL/ HELPLESSNESS concerning my body in SEXUAL ABUSE/ PUBERTY (both UNWANTED & TERRIFYING)!!
+ Did NOT want "curves" or "filling out"; feared "desirability/ attractiveness"; "DOOMED TO HAVE SEX"??
+ DID NOT WANT TO BE A "WOMAN", let alone LOOK like one; desperately rejected body changes/ development
+ Associated a round/ protruding stomach with PREGNANCY (SEX)
+ "STORING" abuse/ poison IN "FAT"? Literally "could FEEL it" if I touched/ grabbed my abdomen
+ BODY FELT LIKE AN ACTIVELY MALEVOLENT PRISON; I NEVER felt safe in it-- didn't even want to be/ feel HUMAN
+ "LOSING WEIGHT" = "LOSING THE HEAVINESS INSIDE ME" = "BEING FREED FROM WHAT WAS PUT ON ME/ IN ME"
★ ALSO gastrointestinal "management" attempt? TONS of abdominal pain/ distress in youth (remember the hernias!), PLUS that "fear of poison" from exposure to rotten/ old food??
★ BEING "FORCED" TO EAT FOODS THAT HURT/ THAT I DIDN'T WANT WAS ANALOGOUS TO SEXUAL FORCING/ PAIN & VIOLATION-- BOTH OCCURRED IN THE SAME BODYSPACE, AND I WAS HELPLESS (even worse, both ALSO involved a FEMALE "AUDIENCE/ ABUSER")

★ A BIG PROBLEM is that I used the eating disorder TO FACILITATE THE ESCAPE FROM/ DENIAL OF "LIFE" THAT HAD BECOME INTOLERABLE DUE TO TRAUMA. I was SPECIFICALLY RUNNING AWAY FROM "social development"??? The eating disorder gave RELIEF in that it "EXCUSED" ME FROM those things I had been trying to escape since childhood-- notably sexuality & relationships in general??? I'm not sure but it's deeply upsetting. I secretly really don't want to be so terrified.
★ TRAUMA RECOVERY WILL BE ESSENTIAL TO PROPERLY ACHIEVE THIS!!

(from workbook)

(these memories MIGHT be HISTORICALLY INACCURATE as far as DETAILS go. we are recording this because this was written years later, without any review of original data, and as such this reveals the LONGTERM AFFECTS of those historical events, and therefore, the real psychic impact & impression of them.)

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REMEMBERING UNSTABLE PERIODS

Summer 2015?? AND NORTH CAROLINA. Both were HELL.
'15 was a TRAUMA LOOP and NC was DAILY ABUSE. I was "cut off from family" in different ways-- '15 had me left alone & avoided, while NC was a CONTROLLED "cut off contact." In both cases, I suffered PROLONGED DAILY SXABUSE & SENSORY DEPRIVATION, and I had NO FUTURE HOPE AT ALL.

How were you sleeping? What was your sleep schedule like? How many hours of sleep were you getting?

'15 = I slept tormentedly. I had no regular schedule & would fall asleep miserable. I'd stay up until like 4am typing?? Different bedtime EVERY day. Usually I got 6 hours, tops even? Some SLEEPLESS nights. I'd be "PROUD" of <5 hours.

CNC = I was forced, naked, to sleep like a dog at the edge of a shared bed, using someone else as a pillow. I never dreamed. I had NO regular schedule. Weekdays were all-nighters, then sleep from 7am-2pm?? Days off, bedtime was like 3am. I WOULD WAKE UP ALONE AT 8:30 & RUN TO THE STORE JUST TO ESCAPE!! In general though I got 5-8 hours? But it was VERY BROKEN SLEEP!! I never really felt rested. It was more like a coma every night, never restorative.

When you were unwell, what was your daily routine? What did you do every day? Were the times regular?

'15 = Daily hacks. LOTS of prolonged binges. Running daily?? Laptop work. No regular waketime, it was random & trauma-mangled. CONSCIOUS deprivation concerning bedtimes. Meals were NEVER regular; it was all-day fasting then late binge-crashes. We were isolatory and never socialized. Our exercise times were impulsive & LONG but random. I took no meds.

CNC = Schedule was TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE; dictated by TBAS. They'd eat, then do TV/ games/ computer, leaving me alone. I wound binge, very slowly, to fill the existential void & acute loneliness/ abandonment feelings. TBAS had a roughly set work time, but NOT schedule. As for me, I was homebound/ isolated due to both social terror & fear of punishment, unless I rashly "borrowed the car" during a manic state/ had a medical appointment. But there was NO pattern or order. Waketimes were determined by abuse cycles. Bedtimes were controlled but insomniac. Mealtimes were an absolute hellish mess. Socializing was "roommates" only, who strictly albeit passively kept me homebound & controlled. Exercise was virtually absent; I was stuck inside & immobile, UNLESS I snuck out to RUN!!! That was arguably my only escape, until that too became shot through with heavy repeated trauma. As for med times, there was daily Benadryl abuse to "dope out" awareness of all other abuse. I took it up to 4x daily. I also hyperdosed on melatonin, and would sneak alcohol & Nyquil (sometimes debating taking them at once) for the same suicidal-sedative reasons.

How did others play a role?

'15 = Family was entirely neglectful. Dad & mom were both gone, living elsewhere with virtually no contact. Brothers isolated in rooms, did not speak to me. I think they were also in COLLEGE so they weren't always there. Grandparents would ALSO GO OUT??? Morning coffee/store trips that would take HOURS. So we were frequently completely alone in the house, and even when we weren't, there was effectively NO communication or dialogue. We have no memory of any dialogue outside of the small explosions of screaming matches & violent fights.

CNC= Family contact was forbidden. Life was DICTATED by "abusers" whims. I literally had NO say & NO power; I HAD to follow their decisions & schedules, however random. I always smiled & agreed & tried to never complain. (for the record, when I DID struggle, especially with health failure & mental health crises, I would hate myself even more for "ruining THEIR day/schedule" and try to act like I was fine)

What have you learned by looking back on this time and thinking about the routine you had?

'15 = NO ROUTINE at large. Everything a void; no goals or hopes or responsibilities? Fueled addictions & obsessive behavior; "no purpose," "no future."

CNC = There WAS a "rough routine" but it was INFLICTED & SUBJECT TO CHANGE OF WHIM. I had NO say & NO control, NO ESCAPE.


PREVENTING FUTURE INSTABILITY

Think of a past episode of depression or mania. How do you think keeping track of changes in your mood might have been helpful in the early stage of the episode?

MANIC: These hit a LOT during college; possibly even high school! But they never occurred in a vacuum. The MAJOR precipitator was not "socializing"-- thank God I was VERY isolatory back then-- it was MEDIA. As a teen, when I first started going online, I was SO HYPER. I'd get a NiGHTS game update, or some Sonic news, or a new issue of a manga, and I'd just go WILD. My emotions were YO-YOS-- either I was invincible & everything was awesome, OR I was desolate & felt worthless & unlovable. I suppose that, if I had NOTED when I got a "media high" or an "incompetency low", I could OBSERVE that from "OUTSIDE" the state?? I'm SURE the System would've helped, even back then. But if I WAS feeling hyper, we could have taken steps to "RECENTER IN OURSELF," as opposed to OUTSIDE, even only on message boards or Freewebs. IT WAS STILL A "SOCIAL" TRIGGER because it STILL OCCURRED WITHIN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- ESPECIALLY once I started regularly posting to dA INSTEAD OF LJ, and my very "presence" online BECAME PERFORMATIVE. This got WORSE when Q entered the scene; and that was actually the "trigger" to FLIP it from mania to DEPRESSION?? Now I was FURIOUS because I "HAD TO" perform for this kid, so I COULDN'T BE "ME", the ultimate result of ALL social function in my mind?? Nevertheless I STARTED A PRIVATE JOURNAL & let the pain & sorrow & anger out there. But I STILL just "let it carry me along"; I NEVER just paused & took CONSCIOUS note that "hey, I'm starting to feel really upset/ frustrated/ helpless"-- I would just RANT & VENT. And letting that "take over" fueled depressive crashes; I COULDN'T "cope" if I didn't LOOK AT the emotions AND thoughts AND situation!!
Honestly THANK GOD FOR LAURIE because her gatecrashing the Xanga JUMPSTARTED the development of self-AWARENESS and self-reflection that ALLOWED us to see AND understand (together!) WHEN AND WHY our emotions were going crazy. With her, I COULDN'T be manic OR depressed, because SHE KEPT WATCH & CALLED ME OUT. So... START UP THE XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN, KIDDO! And KEEP NOTES on daily emotion/ thought changes, so you know WHAT to discuss!

Can you think of a few examples when stressors influenced your sleep & routine schedule, and then impacted your mood?

(The E.D. in general was its OWN UNPREDICTABLE "ROUTINE"; wrecking ALL ELSE)
+ The most OBVIOUS example is the binge/purge hell cycles, ESPECIALLY after a day on the road. Some nights I'd be up until 3AM. Then I'd miss morning Mass, I'd be late for afternoon Mass, I'd HAVE to wait until ~3PM to eat at ALL, perpetuating the cycle, & I'd be EXHAUSTED the entire time. I felt chronically hopeless, overwhelmed, trapped, & MISERABLE. This prevented me from making healthy changes-- I was SO wrecked that I kept giving in to the dissociative "refuge" or the E.D. JUST TO "COPE".
+ I ALSO WAS SO STRESSED AT HOME THAT IT DIDN'T FEEL SAFE TO SLEEP THERE.
In college, I'd frequently have Illustration homework that would keep me up ALL NIGHT, resulting in only ~2-3 hours of sleep if I was lucky; most often I WOULDN'T sleep. I'd feel so disheartened & incapable of joy. I began to "hate art." I struggled to focus in class-- a sick relief sometimes, as the trauma of figure drawing was fled from more easily then. I HAD to keep the college schedule, but the lack of sleep plus choking despair made me start sleeping in every study spot and I ended up NOT having the homework done-- so I started SKIPPING. I lost my schedule and I FELT lost as a result.
+ Doctor's appointments & visits to the homestead ALWAYS happened "suddenly" and threw off my routine-- appointments had to be planned AROUND & often impacted Church/ shopping times. Going up the house was ALWAYS unpredictable & HIGHLY stressful. Those days I might not get home until 6PM or later, WRECKED.
+ When I was visiting daily/ weekly to take care of grandma, I COULDN'T have a schedule. I WANTED to STAY with her, but now had "no place there" and had to do everything in a "liminal" state of mind, knowing I had to eventually eat/ sleep/ wash/ travel AFTER. Every day was a disordered jumble; the only routine was grandma's meds.

What are some of the challenges to schedule stability that you are facing in the next month? Danger signs? Possible solutions to consider?

The most obvious challenges are: the loss of COPE's steady & solid schedule, the loss of liberty related to transportation & finances, the mandatory PARTIAL schedule, replacing E.D. cycles with creative work, and STRIVING to schedule in CHURCH & EXERCISE with no car & obligatory mealtimes. Also doctors AND helping mom, which are VARIABLES.
Danger signs for me would be: oversleeping, bingeing from overstimulation &/or anxiety, not letting myself rest, NOT praying or going to church, isolating (refusing ALL contact), refusing to do creative &/or enjoyable things, rage outbursts & crying jags, self-abusive actions, skipping Partial, manic symptoms, not making or adhering to even a rough schedule, neglecting self-care, COLD HEART, dissociation, "lockouts," increased flashbacks? Basically if I start feeling HOPELESS, DISTRAUGHT, ANGRY, OVERWHELMED, VIOLENT, HOLLOW, EXHAUSTED, RESTLESS, EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFIED, &/OR SUICIDAL, we have a problem!!
The most effective & IMMEDIATE solutions would include: immediate journaling/ Xangas (IF NOT IN LOCKOUT/ LOCKDOWN); praying &/or reading Scripture; OR if our brain is TOO SHAKEN to do thoughtwork, to POSITIVELY DISTRACT: play Klonoa, watch TV or a safe movie, listen to music... but DECIDE TO SIT DOWN & STAY THERE!! Pacing & standing makes things MUCH WORSE!! So GET COPING DISTRACTIONS that KEEP YOU CALM & STILL & FOCUSED on something POSITIVE!!

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Try to identify things in your history that influenced the development of disordered eating.

My memory is pretty shot, and I'm tired of focusing on trauma. The System Archives are autobiography enough.
I want to use this space to jot down HAPPY things, proofs of JOY in life, a life I feel cut off & rejected from. But I STILL EXIST IN TIME & SPACE, AND MY PAST IS REAL-- ALL of it, NOT just the recent trauma!
I have had SO MUCH GOODNESS in life, DESPITE the trauma, and I CAN AND WILL CONTINUE TO HAVE GOODNESS!!

ACTUAL nice memories I have from childhood:

★ Spinning in circles under the overhead light in mom's room, the light as dim as it would go, pretending (believing) it was a "ritual" to transform into a dragon. I remember the soft blue carpet beneath my feet, and the feeling of solemn faith in my heart. The low ember of a lightbulb, its glow a soft reddish-gold circle, felt like a heart of its own. It was a very intimate thing, that transformative spinning, as a result. I kept my dragon-ness a brightly burning secret within me as I re-entered the daylight, knowing I was "something more" than was apparent. I wondered if anyone else could tell, or know.

★ The scents & visuals of the beautiful, bright flowers at our home forest, around Easter-- grape hyacinths, bluet flowers, violets, dandelions, clovers, buttercups, arbutus, tulips, irises, peonies, white & purple lilacs, forsythia, Easter lilies & hyacinths, and my WISTERIA BUSH, to say the least! Blueberries blossoming on the hill. Wintergreen peeking through the snow. The sticky gorgeous scent of evergreen sap. The smell of the pine needles in winter. The scent of autumn maple & hickory & oak & sassafras. The plush wet texture of thick lichen-studded moss, like a carpet of emerald softness, rolling like mountains over the side yard. The taste of birch bark, given to me by dad. The smell of spring in the air. Eating grass with Viral and thinking it was hilarious. The old roses on the garden gate. The old grapevine on the back hill. The old apple tree I tried to climb, and the endearingly wizened, sour little fruits it produced. The cherry trees, and all their ants. The rose-of-sharon trees in the corners of the yard. Finding wild scallions & eating them gleefully. Picking raspberries from the garden like they were gems. ALL OF DIAMEW.

★ Walks up & down the pipeline, long before any industrialization arrived. I loved the steep climb, the wide flat rocks, the random hidden puddles & ponds higher up, the hidden waterfall off to the right (that I don't think exists anymore). I remember the glorious headrush of ORANGE as we walked it in autumn, finding old train tracks & imagining where they could lead. It always felt, climbing that ascent, like I was deftly & swiftly taking hold of the future itself, a wild & beautiful thing, untameable but fiercely fond of all who came to meet it here, on the rocks & ridges, with a sense of wonder & adventure & hope. I treasured all my scrapes & scratches & bruises. I miss those days.

★ The beautiful smell of Thornhurst trips: woodsmoke, river water, evergreens & shade. I remember roasting marshmallows until they bubbled bronze & brass, enjoying the crisp & chewy bite that guarded such soft warm sweetness. I remember dad grilling burgers as we lit the charcoal and watched it shimmer red. I remember the cool wood of the picnic tables, and the quiet of the trees. I remember Fernsburg, all the foam on the water and its loud white rushing song. I would always try to walk on the rocks peeking above the surface, scared to fall but fiercely joyful to be IN the river regardless. There was a log across it further down but it was too soft to hold weight. I don't know why that river felt so potently magical, or why I felt it was so important to cross. It felt like there was something on the other side, something in the crossing itself-- a rebirth, almost; the start of a new & long-awaited story. I knew that if I made it across, it would be a new world. I would be a new person. And I knew I was expected, awaited with joy, over there.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


some system memories.

♥ After the System massacre in late December '13? Walking around the living room & listening to "Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost, WEEKS later? And suddenly "seeing" Laurie with wings, and KNOWING-- FEELING-- that she was still alive; there was still hope. It was like the world itself came back to life. Everything was suddenly saturated with hope & joy. It truly was a "good day." I felt my heart opening like a flower after a long winter.
♥ Mister Sandman kissing my nose & forehead before we would "go to work" for the night; his aged yet vibrant, gently strong hands cupping my face.
♥ Standing over the oven range in SLC and abruptly dissociating for OVER AN HOUR for Marik's 3rd *incident*; until that day we HADN'T been close, but AFTER we forged such a sincere & strong bond. He was all gold with HOPE, even after succumbing (briefly!) to despair. I'll never forget it.
♥ Chaos 0 sitting with me on the couch in SLC when I assumedly got food poisoning & was so scared, sad, & alone. I wept in his arms, and thanked God for him.
♥ That one horrifically numb-depressed day in ~2015 when "I" was in the kitchen chopping up carrots & feeling miserable hollow; suddenly XENOPHON appeared GHOSTING-- which she had just learned how to do-- and asked if I was okay. I said no, so she tried to cheer me up, by asking that I bring up her favorite song on Spotify-- "Simple Reminder" by Tokimonsta-- and dance with her. Even though I felt so numb, I'd never say no to my baby girl. So there we were, dancing to Tokimonsta in the empty kitchen on a quiet autumn evening, and suddenly I felt real joy. Life was worth living, if only for her.
♥ "Meeting" Scalpel as he sang Everything Everything that one day in CNC I "tried to run away." I remember the metal in his teeth & the rings on his zealous hands.
♥ Christmas Eve's Eve, 2011, with Chaos 0, on the living room couch by the tree. I saw the green of his eyes & felt the ocean of his heart. I was so in love.
♥ That one night after an "avoidance" period when I went upstairs to meet him, and he gave me this look of pure love and heartache that struck my own heart back to light.
♥ The night I tried to kill myself in front of the bathroom mirror and Laurie FIGHTING LIKE HELL to stop me... then me, weeks later, doing the same for her.
♥ The night after a hack when I reached out to Julie and offered her hope with us. I was standing by the bathroom closet. I FELT something change in her heart.
♥ That one morning on the bus on the way to high school when, after an aching discussion, Genesis & I basically made out. It was so sincere & real. I FELT his Gem.
♥ Genesis ghosting alongside me for YEARS. Laughing out loud & elbowing him & asking him to "hold stuff." Him saying he loved me at the Confirmation altar.
♥ That LCCC morning where I think I actually skipped class & stayed in the car, because we went upstairs to FIND LEON, I think? I remember Julie being SO STRONG & COURAGEOUS; her heart really shone through. I remember cathedral arches; I remember how cold it was. I loved them all with my whole heart.
♥ Leon warping us out of Tar ambushes. Leon being a DEAD SHOT against it, even with his hands shaking. The snow-bluebells-myrrh scent of Indigo.
♥ The BLC heartspace exploration events, and ALL the key moments-- the Angel Helmet, the Mirror Oasis Room, fighting the Razor Splinter on the beach, Lynne using her arrows to paralyze the Tar-Celebi, Leon sobbing & wiping blood out of my hair in the white nave of the Cathedral itself.
♥ Those first few MOMENTOUS seconds in SLC when Laurie PUSHED ME OUT OF FRONTING & took over, and looked incredulously at our hands; her vibe like GRAVITY.
♥ Meeting Razor. Meeting Wreckage. Meeting Algorith. Meeting Knife. Meeting Sugar. Meeting Mulberry. In moments of horror, I still treasure them.
♥ Sitting on the bed at COPE in 2017 and the System WAKING BACK UP from dormancy, Laurie immediately putting a victoriously comforting hand on my shoulder. My ENTIRE sense of life & self SHIFTED & FOCUSED and I felt like I could breathe again. I remember us all thinking, "now what?" but we were TOGETHER!
♥ During "THE Lockout," parked in front of the Albright library, and GENESIS unexpectedly ghosting when I got out of the car, deeply worried. Seeing him, I began to feel HOPE.
♥ That one day after Easter when the Coregroup & I went into Saint John's church alone, & kneeling in front of the altar we swore to ALWAYS love & protect each other. I can still feel the cold white marble, & see the sunlight in the dark, & smell the Easter lilies. It was such a significant and beautiful moment.
♥ Laurie straight-up THROWING A CHAIR at Waldorf during a Xanga; Wally laughed SO HARD it was adorable. Chaos 0 came in later and was SO CONFUSED.
♥ The "heater hell" night; going outside & lying on the roof of the car, looking up at the stars in the cold, and Laurie suddenly ghosting to my left. The feeling I got, with her & beneath the sky... it was transcendent. Looking up into space & shivering, my eyes full of tears, I felt both scared & reassured-- there was the big picture, and I was so small! But then, seeing her looking up too, that iron-violet smile crinkling her face... I felt that yes, I still mattered. I was PART of all that, here, with her.
♥ When physical life gets overwhelming & scary & depressing... remember that what you SEE is NOT ALL THERE IS!! The things-- and people-- that TRULY matter can ONLY be seen with the HEART. So GO THERE!! Spend time TOGETHER again, with EVERYONE! Find people! Meet people! Learn things! FIGHT things! Talk for hours! Just LIVE, TOGETHER!! THAT is what will get us through. WE ARE "RECOVERY." Re-read and print out ALL the beautiful moments we wrote down... then go make some new ones!

This is your time to shine and let go of anything stopping you from being "great for God." Make a list of things you want to fulfill in this "right time" season (OF RECOVERY).

The OBVIOUS big thing "stopping me from shining" was/is the eating disorder. But... last night, as I talked about future "hopes" with mom, it got me VIOLENTLY DEPRESSED. So there's a DEEPER obstacle in the way-- a sense of GUILTY SHAME for even WANTING or WISHING to be creative-- to shine. In the deep places of my heart I want to Serve God with ALL He has given me-- INCLUDING my talents, especially so, as long as I have them. I feel COMPELLED to write music & tell good stories & create beautiful art... do I? God, help me to discern Your Will for me AND those "alleged" talents! Please, help me to shine FOR YOU in my unique way.

BLESSINGS...

+ The ones I don't recognize or even acknowledge as blessings: mostly treatment, being ABLE to suffer in direct penitence for past sins. being able to safely regain weight in a controlled MEDICAL environment where they KNOW what they're doing. being able to take showers & learn better self-care. being able to sleep regularly. the opportunities to learn healthy mindsets & skills, coping methods & ways of managing stress. learning about nutrition & the body & food as medicine. being "MEDICALLY STABLE." staff that genuinely cares. fellow patients who inspire & encourage me. the opportunity to learn how to EAT NORMALLY and to daily PRACTICE it in a safe environment. ...the fact that I've gained weight & have a very BIG body now. I don't know how the heck that's a blessing but GOD HAS ALLOWED IT so it MUST be. somehow. but He knows. and I MUST TRUST THAT. if I do, if I give it ALL to Him, He CAN and WILL use even the WORST PAIN & SUFFERING TO BLESS ME, in HIS WAY, for the ultimate good of my SOUL.

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)



✳ SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
✳ Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
✳ IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
✳ Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
✳ ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
✳ BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
✳ Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.

People aren't mind-readers; to get help, you have to ask for it. Prayer can be similar-- although God already knows what you need, he wants you to tell Him your exact troubles, and ask for specific help. He will be there.
Where in life do you need help, and who besides God can you ask? How has God helped you in your time of need?

I need help with staying "ME" instead of dissociating, fawning, or denying that core. I need to be able to BE A "PERSON" in the first place, before I can LIVE, and before I can BE IN this body! And besides prayer, I HAVE TO ACCEPT the "answer" God has ALREADY given me-- the Spectrum. YES, THEY ARE A LEGIT & PROVEN INSTRUMENT OF GOD'S LOVE, and they help me to be WHO GOD WANTS ME TO BE, as a WHOLE. We work TOGETHER to conquer sinful faults & show tender compassion, to be just AND merciful, to be brave & true & REAL. So I NEED to ask THEM for help, too, as we ALL cooperate with GOD!

TODAY I GIVE THANKS...

+ I thank God for His truly constant, unconditional, unstoppable, ardent love... for me. That intimate specificity within the cosmic universality is beyond comprehension. 
...In my dreams last night, at one point, I was talking to Jesus, asking Him about love and being loved & all my fears in relation to the trauma I kept re-experiencing, especially in nightmares. I wanted TO love, and to BE loved, WITHOUT forcing, and WITHOUT allegedly "forgetting GOD"-- I've been thinking of "love" as something I could ONLY give to GOD, OR a creature. ...I forget the context of His reply, but Jesus told me that, essentially, He WAS "working through" Chaos Zero TO "show me/ give me His unconditional & unwavering Love" in a way I COULD understand AND reciprocate. He ASSURED me that, wherever true Love existed, GOD WAS THERE IN IT, both giving AND receiving, through us & in us & for us. So remember that, and DON'T DENY LOVE!!

several successive trauma nightmares last night.
but... I don't remember them. their shadows were obliterated in the light of the first dream; although brief, it was brilliant.
I was on a tour bus. someone was asking me about chaos 0. they may have asked if we were married. they may have asked if we were in love. whichever it was, the answer was yes.
but they had an incomplete understanding of love. they began to laugh & tease, asking me indirectly if we had "done it." I responded without thinking, and implied that we had a child. everyone hollered & cheered. abashed, I tried to clarify my statement to avoid any scandalous misunderstandings or assumptions, but my heart was still on fire with the sudden assertion of the truth. of the blessed depth of what we had.
someone commented that we "had a museum" dedicated to our relationship, but "it was the same thing over & over." even so, they wanted to see it. the bus took us there.
walking in, the place was huge & spacious, bright & golden, inviting & open. the high, round ceiling was studded with light. i didn't get to explore it, though, because the moment i crosses the threshold, I heard a joyous, familiar voice.
"daddy!!"
and suddenly, xenophon was running up to meet me, her face a portrait of pure joy.
i feel to my knees to meet her in return, catching her in a mutual embrace, my heart overflowing with emotion.
my daughter. my daughter. my little girl. my child.
she was alive, ALIVE, and she was here. safe, in my arms. and i was her father.
i felt my beard and my white hair and my rainbows.
i felt real, extant now and in time. and i was...
i didn't know what to think, now.
everything i thought i had lost... I hadn't.

xenophon let go & looked up at me, her eyes concerned.
"where's dad?"
i paused. i looked up at the ceiling, at the rings of stairs leading up to some hidden place, there in the lights. and from the deepest places of my heart, i answered her.
"do you want me to call him?"
...but the reality of it burned so hard in my heart, i woke up.
still... what love!!

WHY AM I SO DISTURBED BY HALLOWEEN???
It is EXPLICITLY tied to TBAS days?? We were NEVER "freaked out" by it before??
★ WE'LL NEED TO CHECK THE ARCHIVES FOR LOST YEARS IN ANY CASE.

---------------------------

ACTUAL NC "MEMORIES" TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Altar on the porch; no idea what was ON it
+ burning incense sticks??
+ "trick or treating" & that moment under the streetlight when I felt SO TRAPPED & MISERABLE that "this was my life now & there's no escape" that, for an awful instant, I HATED them. They were dancing or something, looking at me as if expecting approval? it felt controlling, manipulative; like a total invalidation & REJECTION of my own pain & fear. They were dressed like a devil. it was existentially horrifying.
+ PIG HEARTS. in the sink. on the porch. popping in the oven.
+ dead things in their closet. obsessed with bones & corpses. (mortuary science)
+ those LASCIVIOUS books about werewolves, and how BADLY they SAID they "wanted to BE one." the horrible descriptions of cannibalism, sex, & murder they showed me, as if it were a self-revelation.
+ they called things "goblins" frequently, including themselves; if something was being "gross/ dirty/ rude/ unmannerly/ etc." they called murphy that a lot when he misbehaved. they saw it as a "pet name." it felt like a backhanded insult.
they started to call moralimon that. it made me furious.
+ they identified as a witch/ warlock; so did Jade.
+ halloween was THEIR "holy day," all focused on death and fear and disturbing morbid things. felt blasphemous.
+ they took us to a city graveyard. wanted to make out. felt SO WRONG.
+ "hocus pocus" is anticatholic; so are spells & magic. they cast spells & charms & did divination & tarot.
+ they were fascinated with vampires. bit us too. LITERALLY "drank" blood. with our own obsession with blood (for different reasons) we felt very dragged into playing along with their corruption of it, and were very taken advantage of. bitterly hated self for it.
+ their obsession with black & its negative, "creepy" aspects. this infected us fatally too.


OTHER THINGS TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Jade howling like a dog/wolf, as a "witch"
+ Jade threatening to murder the twins by stabbing a pumpkin full of knives
+ the internet at large "sexualizing" monsters. insulting & disgusting. NEGATIVELY "romanticized." this whole thing makes us so angry we could spit bullets.
+ zombies having anticatholic; blatant disregard of the sanctity of human body/ rejection of resurrection/ necromancy
+ same thing with frankenstein's monster; take "life power" away from God
+ CURSES, POSSESSION, HAUNTINGS, etc. = DEMONIC
+ HYPERFOCUS ON FEAR AND EVIL "FORCES"
+ Candy focus; personal sugar=sex terror; PEDOPHILIA trauma
+ "trick or treat" disturbance relating to obsessive behavior; "give me something pleasurable or I'll WRECK YOU"
+ SO MUCH EXPLICIT REFERENCE TO THE DEVIL (witches, vampires, jackolanterns, zombies, etc. also literal COSTUMES)
+ ghosts ALSO a subtle "rejection" of Christian afterlife/ soul AND reality of judgment??
+ skeletons treated as "separate from body"? not respected as PART of us, but seen as "remains"; labeled as "creepy"
+ NO RESPECT FOR DEATH
+ bizarre undertone of "DEHUMANIZATION"??? costumes, monsters, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, zombies, etc. = ALL involve LOSS OF HUMAN-NESS!!! even REJECTION.
+ costumes can be DISTURBINGLY SEXUAL and/or offensive, even blasphemous. and again, they target CHILDREN.
+ DISRESPECT/ DESECRATION OF CEMETERIES
+ WITCHES & paraphernalia; BLATANTLY antichristian.
+ HUGE emphasis on paganism AND rejection of Christianity IN GENERAL
+ all day today, people feel like "prey"

Don't let the world's distractions deter you from your blessed future! Stay focused on God's promises, and on your goals within them.
What goals has God set for your life? Take a minute to intentionally set your day with them in mind.

God wants me to be creative. I CANNOT deny that. Otherwise He wouldn't have given me SO MANY CREATIVE TALENTS! In recovery, I MUST REMEMBER THAT as my biggest goal-- finally being free & healthy enough TO use them. I MUST schedule them INTO my future, AND remodel my apartment TO FACILITATE MAXIMUM CREATIVITY. The lack of that is WHY I've been "redirecting" my creative impulse TO FOOD & MEALPLANNING. Honestly dude if you really want to "eat intuitively" without obsessing, STOP MAKING FOOD YOUR FOCUS!! Do what GOD MADE YOU TO DO, and GLORIFY HIM IN ALL OF IT. ♡

GUIDANCE FOR TODAY...

+ Obsessively "planning for the future" is a futile attempt to "control" what is INHERENTLY UNCONTROLLABLE, because it's in GOD'S HANDS, NOT OURS! You cannot "prepare/ plan for" the unexpected & unpredictable, but you CAN ironically "expect TO be surprised"! The ONLY WAY to be "ready" for WHATEVER hits & happens is to TRUST IN GOD & RELY ON HIS GUIDANCE, IN THE MOMENT!! The future is GOD'S realm; WE ONLY have RIGHT NOW. Yes, set goals for the future, but stop trying to choreograph all the steps BEFORE you know how God is going to dance with you!! LET GO of the "need" to have "everything figured out," so "everything IS predictable." You NEED to learn to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES. Be prudent, not careless; be flexible, not rigid; and PRAY ALWAYS!!

+ TRUST GOD MORE. STOP OBSESSING FOR HOURS OVER "WHAT THE BEST CHOICE IS." YOU CANNOT "PLAN FOR" UNPREDICTABLE & UNEXPECTED CHANGES!!! If you keep being so RIGID and obsessed with everything being "PREDICTABLE" & "JUST SO" & "PREPARED FOR" you will SNAP & BREAK when a sudden surprise or change or CRISIS hits-- and it WILL! YOU NEED TO BE OPEN TO CHANGE, ADAPTABLE TO UNPREDICTABILITY, & FLEXIBLE WITH LIMITATIONS!!! We were freaking out SINCE YESTERDAY as to "what CS would be WISEST for lunch?" and we were a nervous wreck over indecision & then GOD CHANGED THE MEALPLAN. So literally ALL OUR OBSESSING WAS IRRELEVANT TO THE ACTUAL CONTEXT WE ENDED UP FACING IN REALTIME. We were FORCED to choose "intuitively." WHICH, HONESTLY, WE HATE TO DO BECAUSE IT "REVEALS" OUR WEAKNESS. We TYPICALLY CHICKEN OUT under stress. And we did TODAY, too. We chose the "less scary" dressing & jello, and Sun Chips instead of ice cream.
✳ THE PROBLEM WITH "FORCING CHALLENGES" = IT OFTEN INVOLVES FORCING "RISKS" & "SUBTLE ABUSE" in order TO "struggle & suffer"!! With this meal, the red jello was "scary" because of the dye. We feared getting sick so we AVOIDED it-- which registers as "COWARDICE"; we "should have FACED THAT FEAR." Same with the dressing: we avoided the Italian because it was "too acidic" to have with jello & a shake; we feared the GI distress of sour + sugar. I'm worried that our tendency to, in that context, define "BRAVE" as "CHOOSING THE HIGHEST CHANCE OF SUFFERING", could become VERY TOXIC. Our "chickening out" is simply a "protection instinct." SHOULD that be challenged, BY DEFAULT? If not-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T be; fear IS able to be justified-- then we NEED to "refine/ revise" our DEFINITIONS of BOTH "courage" & "cowardice." But then would our "rigidity" of "the BEST option" IS COWARDICE?? Because it's NOT "BRAVE ENOUGH" to "RISK FAILURE"?? BUT THAT ISN'T BRAVERY; the "carelessness" of NOT striving ALWAYS for propriety IS A FAILURE. To NOT "fear" a failure to do right is CORRUPT!! Constantly "avoiding scary things" IS COWARDLY, FULL STOP. DON'T TRY TO "HAGGLE" AN EXCUSE FOR IT. NO. You DID chicken out and YOU KNOW IT. Now, you "LIKED" the french dressing AND orange jello, SO STAY FLEXIBLE & TRY DIFFERENT OPTIONS NEXT-- the ones that you "DON'T like"... yet! STAY OPEN & HOPEFUL & CURIOUS. STOP JUDGING & CONDEMNING. STOP BEING SO DAMN STUBBORN!!! "EXPAND" YOUR DAMN "COMFORT ZONE" BEFORE IT SUFFOCATES YOU. GET "COMFORTABLE" WITH "UNEXPECTED" THINGS. STOP RESISTING THINGS YOU "CAN'T CONTROL," YOU ASS!! YOU'RE TOO DAMN STIFF-NECKED. WHAT'S THE "WORST" THAT COULD HAPPEN? STOMACH DISCOMFORT? MAN THE F*CK UP ALREADY!!! IF YOU DON'T LEARN TO SUFFER WELL, THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO CARRY THE CROSS!



post-dinner//

NEW DINNER NEW DINNER!! No more veggie bowl-- now we got LEGIT CHICKEN & RICE & RAINBOW CARROTS!! I actually enjoyed EVERYTHING, even the rice! So that's another small "victory," thank you God!! Now I can practice ADDING rice into my meal planning!! Also. Here is a thing. For snack, FOUR PEOPLE with 3CS choices like us, picked options that added up to ~55g SUGAR. THEY DID NOT DIE. So BE COURAGEOUS, TOO!! Pick a sweet thing tomorrow, even just the ice cream sandwich. Sugar isn't evil. Your body DOES use it. And aren't you ALL ABOUT "BEING BRAVE"?? Or does snack "not count," because YOU'RE CHOOSING the item, NOT someone else?? Like you'll easily eat ~55g of sugar at a meal if they GIVE IT to you-- you'll even chug 30g in juice within 30 seconds! But CHOOSING a sweet CS for snack-- even just one-- INSTEAD of being "brave," registers as "FOOLISH"? IT'S BECAUSE IT'S 8PM YOU JERK. WE CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THAT SUGAR.
"Bravery" ISN'T "inflexible"!! Sometimes, it's braver to NOT do something
WISDOM IS WHAT WE NEED, NOT "FOOLHARDINESS"!
THERE'S NOTHING "BRAVE" ABOUT "SHOWING OFF" HOW HARD YOU CAN PUSH YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF ADMIRATION OR "PRIDE." THERE'S A PROPER TIME FOR SUGAR AND IT'S NOT AT SNACK. YOU'LL ONLY "SUCCEED" AT MAKING US ANTSY & NAUSEOUS.
COURAGE DOES NOT MEAN "INVALIDATING ALL FEAR"!
FEAR CAN BE JUSTIFIED IF OUR HEALTH & WELLBEING ARE AT RISK
AND IF PUSHING SUGAR HAS HISTORICALLY MADE US ILL & HINDERED SLEEP,
THAT FEAR IS PROTECTIVE, NOT ABSOLUTE.
YOU CAN, DO, AND WILL EAT THSE FOODS WITHOUT (AS MUCH?) FEAR DURING THE DAY, SO "AVOIDING" THEM AT NIGHT IS NOT "COWARDICE".
COURAGE IS WISE. FOOLISH FORCING IS NOT.
in any case, she was right; we SHOULD TRY one sweet CS tomorrow, and SPECIFICALLY GET THE DATA on HOW WE RESPOND PHYSIOLOGICALLY. The point is we ARE still scared of sugar-- less than before, but STILL. And that NEEDS to change for us to TRULY recover. treating ANY food as an "enemy" is unhealthy; it's a BAD SEED worst of all. it will only sprout into weeds of rigid paranoid avoidance, ALL of it fueled by judgment & condemnation & DISORDERED FEAR. remember "there is NO FEAR in LOVE." please remember. try to love more. even the sugar. even yourself, when you are scared, and make mistakes. recovery IS love. work towards THAT above all. it INCLUDES all the TRULY GOOD things we want so badly-- courage, wisdom, growth, safety, beauty, truth & mercy & hope & joy. sacrifice too. for real it's LOVE. that's GOTTA be our base. WORK ON IT!! ♥

MOST COMMON PRO-ANOREXIC BELIEFS that cause RESISTANCE TO CHANGE:

• EMOTIONAL SECURITY = through dissociation/ manic expression (binge) & terror/ sobbing/ trauma expression (purge)?
• CONTROL = fights rape/ violation/ poison fears. Restriction: "keep the outside OUT of me." Purge= PURIFICATION. Binge= DESTROY.
• ATTRACTIVENESS= TO MYSELF?? disgusted by feminine figure/ curves/ chunkiness. Shamefully, I did admire my thinness.
• SELF-CONFIDENCE= somehow, yes. Matched the "inner me"= SEXLESS & free & light. even childlike. "COULD express self."
• AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS= eating brings up trauma; not eating means I can keep suppressing it/ denying it; NOT FEEL IT
• BEING SPECIAL= "I'm NOT like the 'other girls' so I'm NOT a girl"; "If I DON'T want to be like them, I CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM"
• FITNESS= admittedly so. The "FEELING" of being loose/ heavy/ flaccid is HUMILIATING & DISTURBING. Valued "strength."
• NO MENSES= IT'S AN EXPLICIT TRAUMA/ DYSPHORIA TRIGGER. I don't know how I'll cope if it does come back. I'd rather die.

Describe your posture.

• I always tend to sit "straight w/ shoulders back," attentive; I was repeatedly instructed to do so as a child, and it DOES help keep my mood optimistic & open. BUT, there's also a sense of "containment"? I keep my legs close together, and although my arms aren't crossed, my HANDS are? They're either folded in my lap, or "cradled" right under left w/ upward palms: the latter being a subtle "sign" of receptivity/ listening. The "folding" forms, in contrast, a "closed loop" w/ my arms, allowing me to receive information BUT internalizing my focus.
• When writing, I hunch over the paper, elbows out to the sides and both hands close on the paper. I lean my head down too. Although I'm "bent" my shoulders are tight, & my abdomen slightly tense. Outwardly I'm "enclosed" w/o "closing off"; signaling total immersion in my work & discouraging approach. Internally I'm "exerting" intense focus-- the emphasis on my arms/ upper body keeps me grounded/ aware in self, so I CAN pour all my conscious focus into the WRITING, not getting carried away by thoughts too fast/complex TO write, which WOULD be accessible/ bleeding over IF my posture was more relaxed & loose: which is required for THINKING/ PROCESSING; when I shift, the tension drops from my chest, my shoulders loosen & shift down, and I look up, eyes UNFOCUSED. BUT my hands/ arms STAY "looped" at chest level, a subtle "enclosing" that still discourages interruption.
• When triggered/ shaken, I cross my wrists while hunched over the table? My chest & shoulders tense AND hunch, like my back is arching up like a scared cat. I turn my head to the right & tilt my chin down close to my shoulder, as if I had a heavy scarf & I was trying to hide in it. My legs tighten closer together AND my feet ground only at the toes, bent back & out at the knees-- having my feet flat feels UNSAFE & causes panic. My eyes STAY unfocused, through dissociation; my expression freezes neutral??
• When DEEPLY DISTURBED, I DO pull my arms down in front of my chest, STILL only crossed halfway, over my solar plexus? NOT "folded," only right in front of left. My fingers are loosely curled in, but NOT clenched. I push down w/ my forearms into my stomach-- upper arms pushing BACK?? (and/or up w/ the hunched shoulders) and my LOWER BACK slouches out, my chest tightening with it, in a NOTABLE subconscious "echo" of a vomiting response. My exhales are forceful, controlled, & clipped; my inhales are shallow & brief. WHENEVER I'm distressed/ in crisis to the point of wanting to cry/ scream/ run, the MOST pressure & nausea ALWAYS FOCUSES IN MY STOMACH (solar plexus), & manifests w/ SUDDEN, FORCEFUL, IMPULSIVE exhales/ muscle contractions, as if I were silently screaming or violently throwing up.
• My expression typically FOCUSES ON MY EYES/ BROW, UNTIL/UNLESS I'M IN CRISIS/ EXTREME EMOTION??

Do you have any new understandings of how you relate to others, after completing the genogram (posted separately)?

• How I relate to self: internalized/ learned/ COPIED? parental behaviors; SO MUCH of the E.D. is APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR???

We've suspected that for YEARS, notably w/ Iscah; our compulsions to be "thin & pretty," "clean & proper," "small & harmless," etc. as WELL as our compulsions to EAT/ NOT EAT certain foods (coffee, chocolate, bacon, etc.) are ALL NOTABLY BASED ON TRYING TO WIN AND/OR DESERVE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, & APPROVAL from someone we loved, who did not necessarily care about us.

"If I like/eat all your favorite foods, will you like me, too?/ Will I be your favorite?"

"If I DON'T like/eat the foods you like/eat, I won't be like you/ I'm saying NO to what you did"? (AMBIVALENCE in trauma contexts!!)
 

• How I relate to others: I INSTINCTIVELY default to appeasement behavior if I like someone/ want to be close to them?? And if I DON'T FEEL SAFE/ RIGHT in that imitation, I will DISTANCE myself from them & "act like I don't care"?? Even though I DO!!-- I just cannot safely act on that WITHOUT my learned behavior kicking in: "for them to like/ love/ accept/ respect me, I MUST BECOME LIKE THEM"??

Notes on the Victim/ Rescuer/ Persecutor Triangle:

• Ambivalence: "I want to be saved from this eating disorder/ I "HAVE TO" do these compulsions EVEN THOUGH I hate it"

^ Mom couldn't feed me OR ignore me w/o "seeming like a persecutor" to one or the other?? It breaks my heart. SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP. She loves you!! She's your mom!!

• I feel compelled to be "a rescuer" BUT when difficult/ scary events occur, I often default to "VICTIM" & view others as "persecutors," although I WILL LOOK for a "rescuer" if it gets real bad!!
• If others ACT AS "VICTIMS," I tend to AUTOMATICALLY feel/ ACT like a "persecutor?" It's sickening. But that reflects how I treat myself. Relatedly, I will play "rescuer" for people whose needs AREN'T EMOTIONAL???
• The System DAILY "switches" between ALL 3 ROLES, notably in a crisis. Victims are beaten up by persecutors and HOPEFULLY a rescuer will step in soon. Unfortunately our traumabrain tends to JUSTIFY PERSECUTORS. We apparently VILIFY THE VICTIM??? see them as "manipulative dramatic liars," NOT ACTUAL "VICTIMS"!!!
• I typically am NOT AWARE of "needs" UNTIL THEY ARE COMPROMISED, and feeling so suddenly & disturbingly "stuck," I feel victimized. I "assume people KNOW what I need," thinking "it MUST be obvious" because "I behave accordingly"?? i.e. I'm quiet & keep to myself, so "you'd ASSUME I needed a seat by myself." But they KEEP putting me in the crowded noisy kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I've spoken up about it TWICE. So it feels "ignorant" or even "malevolent"-- "we don't believe/ trust/ respect your request & "alleged need" SO we're POINTEDLY going to deny/ oppose it!!" That makes them a PERSECUTOR. I feel helpless & feel victimized. Then I LOOK/WAIT for someone to "rescue" me??
• I "become the persecutor" when I see people BREAKING RULES?? or "MISBEHAVING"?? I "want them to be punished so they behave/ obey"?? I feel AWFUL wanting to be "brutal/ harsh" but their behavior makes me SO ANGRY??? Still, if I DO strike out, then YES, I AM THE PERSECUTOR, and I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE TRAUMA!! but it's happened. Rage is traumatic and I've shown it in the past. for that I am awfully, contritely sorry.
• Relationships seem permanently damaged once this happens. "My way" no longer matters?? Even if they DO "behave" it's only temporary AND INSINCERE; as it's FORCED through fear/threat; NOT FREELY CHOSEN. So "persecuting" ANYONE never ever does anything good.
• I think I've "persecuted" TAS/ TBAS/ Q through my blaming them for trauma? even if they DID do something VERY WRONG!! but "being the victim" sometimes feels UNBEARABLE-- if the trauma is too destructive & disturbing-- so I "FLIP" the roles?? I spit vitriol about it instead of weeping. It's so unhealthy & unmerciful. I NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE; never voicing my needs, OR NEVER SAYING "NO," will ALWAYS cause this triangle. I NEED to be OPEN, HONEST, & RESPECTFUL of ME AND THEM!!

 

Describe a cyclical maladaptive pattern you've noticed in yourself.

1) "When people talk to me, I think they are testing me or tempting me for a certain response/ "setting me up".
- "I feel like I am on trial, or being watched & monitored. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I will be marked for abuse."
- "I wish people wouldn't try to have conversations with me/ ask me personal questions/ ask for my "opinion.""
- "I dissociate and respond with shallow, automatic phrases when people talk to me"?
2) "If I talk to people, they will judge me according to the propriety of my response, & treat me according to their being pleased or offended. Offense will almost inevitably merit further brutal abuse for the sake of correcting/ forcing me to please them instead."
3) "When I talk/ respond to people, they appear awkwardly uncomfortable, nervous, and/ or "down"; they seem angry, upset, & impatient."
4) "When I talk to people, I never speak properly, and I feel gross & stupid afterwards. I am miserable & try to isolate; I violently & repeatedly condemn myself."

 

The more I think about the eating disorder, the more "roots" I find?

RESTRICTION ROOTS

+ "Refusal" of body maturation = sexuality
+ Terror of female body shape; gender dysphoria
+ "Rejection" of invasion (sexual abuse)
+ "Swallowing" fear of "contamination" (+ compulsive spitting)
+ Family body image toxicity; fat-shaming
+ Fasting; desperate attempt to "be good/ holy/ pure"
+ Food TOO stressful/ confusing; "don't know what's right" so AVOID IT ALTOGETHER
+ "I can either think about food, or creativity; it's one or the other"

PURGE ROOTS

+ "Get the poison out" (pain; literal sickness from spoiled food)
+ "Stay clean/ pure/ empty"; UNTOUCHED (sexual abuse)
+ "Reject what I didn't say "no" to" (sexual abuse)
+ "I made a mistake while eating; I MUST RESET/ RESTART and GET IT RIGHT"
+ Rage/ sorrow/ fear response; unable to tolerate emotion; try to "eject it"

BINGE ROOTS

+ Fight sensory deprivation & isolation
+ Numb intolerable emotions/ reality terror
+ "Learn to like everything" (sexual abuse)
+ Associating eating with "self care" & reward (family)
+ Self-abuse
+ "I made a mistake while eating; it CAN'T be "good" now so I'M "DOOMED" to KEEP doing wrong"
+ Creative/ organizational OUTLET when need is otherwise unmet

GROUNDING TECHNIQUES

+ The "five senses" grounding exercise, bizarrely, dissociates me EVEN MORE because I mentally detach/ distance IN ORDER TO properly GET/ PROCESS sensory input!!!
It's EXHAUSTING to feel ALL that at once. Like I WITHDRAW INTO MY HEAD TO GRASP THAT DATA IN THE FIRST PLACE.
+ NUMBERS, COUNTING, & MATH ARE SO MUCH SAFER & MORE HELPFUL!!!
+ Maybe USE THIS 5-sense thing to our advantage as a way of REDIRECTING internal focus???

+ VISUALIZING A "SAFE PLACE" & ENTERING THAT MINDSCAPE IS SO HELPFUL.
But beware! It is SUPER IMMERSIVE and VERY hard to "come back into physicality" even after a MINUTE so immersed!!
+ ALSO BEWARE, because mindscapes are mutable, and we can't always control what happens in there...

+ Slow breathing/ holding breath is JARRINGLY TRAUMA-TRIGGERING. Maybe talk to Kyanos about managing this? Is that still his job?

PERSONAL TECHNIQUES THAT SHOULD WORK FOR US:

LIST OFF...
+ ALL the characters in ONE Leagueworld
+ ALL the OCs of ONE COLOR you can think of
+ ALL the OCs whose name starts with a certain letter
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain species-archetype
+ ALL the Moralimon of a certain Typecore
+ ALL the songs of one artist/ group you can recall: FROST*, ELO, Todd Rundgren...
+ ALL the Pokemon species/moves of ONE type?

DESCRIBE...
+ the basic plot of a Leagueworld
+ a League scene like a SCREENPLAY
+ the "bio" of an OC; INCLUDING "little" details & idiosyncrasies
+ the appearance of an OC, being VERY thorough (AND voice!!)
+ the "VIBE" of an OC, IN REALTIME??
+ a League LOCATION, in sensory detail
+ a Moralimon, Enchiridion-style
+ a Moralimon "technique" or "combat skill"
+ a Moralimon Virtue, being VERY specific
+ a Nousfoni function/ VIBE?

Dear us:

It's almost ironic; I would never blame or hate or condemn any of us for the things "I'm" struggling to face-- so why the hypocrisy? Honestly right now I don't know, because right now I'm NOT in that isolatory mindset. And maybe that's the key-- the simple yet profound answer-- that "self-compassion" is inevitable when I stop pretending that "I" am the only "I" in here.

I love all you guys. ALL of you. All the Socials, all the Retributors, all the trauma-loaded Chthonics and all the Daengels. Every single Spectrum-soul is beloved to me. And, as incredible as it still sounds and feels... I cannot deny that YOU seem to ALL feel the same way about me. This morning was PROOF of that. Don't ever let me forget that-- because the REAL "me," the TRUE CORE of this System, IS compassion, both the one who loves AND who is loved. I need to have my heart open to receive love in order TO give it.

So the fact that I CAN write this letter is actually a huge source of hope. Evidently, I AM open to real love, even if hesitantly, or secretly. But I am.

So. Slight topic switch.

I want to say, "this isn't about me, it's about us!" But I am PART of us, too! And I WANT to be; I LOVE being part of the System-- yet, I inexplicably keep pulling back. Why? Is it shame, or guilt? You'd never damn me for the things WE'VE suffered OR the mistakes WE'VE made; we're ALL responsible and we're ALL STILL WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS & HOPE & LOVE, even when we screw up-- or, as I like to say, "especially then."

I can feel a lot of lingering frustration & regret & grief over the past, from many of us. But none of it is cruel. Even the most bitter outbursts of pain are coming from a wounded heart that didn't want those awful things to happen. Ultimately we ALL want each other to be healthy & healed & happy. In the end, we can't hate each other. There's no judgment, when you get to the heart of it-- only compassion. Even if we DO bluntly acknowledge our poor choices & failures to be kind in the past, we've collectively reached an honestly amazing point of psychospiritual maturity where we CAN face up to our biggest screw-ups and not self-destruct over them-- SOLELY because we are now tapped into that heart of compassion, of mercy, of love. It's inundated us all by now, thank God. We don't get reset attempts or bluescreens or apocalypses anymore. Yeah we still ache, but darn it we're aching TOGETHER, and that's something!!

Nevertheless. I can be too cerebral even in this.

Compassion cannot exist only as a theory, or an idea, or even as a nicely worded letter. Love only truly exists in ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP.
You've gotta DO something FOR someone, if you want to realize those virtues. Anf you've gotta BE someone who THEY can give love to in return.

When my poor discombobulated brain starts to flinch or forget that, remind me of that. Remind me of all of you-- and not just as names!! Remind me of YOUR SELVES-- of the faces and lives of the souls I KNOW and who know me... the souls that I love, and who love me in return.

It's always so difficult to confess & admit that, to write you all down.
I still don't know why. But let's start there, because it's ancient, and we HAVE to finally overcome that, COLLECTIVELY.

It's shame-- shame AT my love for others, and at their love for me?
What's so shameful about it? What's so "shameful" about tenderness & compassion? Why do I fear that it's "WRONG" to feel that love, for or from others?
I don't want to be miserable anymore, imprisoned by that corrupt mindset. After all, I couldn't "be ashamed" if I WASN'T actually IN that love, so there's some solid hope already.

Listen. I've been rambling for three pages and I still haven't gotten to the true point, the real heart, of this whole thing.



(left unfinished)

+ All right so OUT OF THE BLUE I have been SLAMMED with body dysphoria this morning. I'm honestly suspecting that it's because I figured out that Team wants me to hit like 120LBS, AT LEAST??? I literally have NOT been that heavy in OVER 13 YEARS. And I am ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED at the thought. I don't know HOW to even think of that number/ weight WITHOUT immediately associating it with the SAME terror & shame I felt at age 13 or so, when this hell started. I don't know how to handle this weight-- this size-- without also feeling like it has doomed me to that hell of abuse all over again-- abuse that ONLY began AND continued BECAUSE of my body. I've effectively been at war with it since then for that same reason. Starving & purging to "become small" again was my ONLY voice, my ONLY protest against the horror of feeling like I was trapped in the body of a whore. I DON'T EVER WANT TO FEEL THAT AGAIN.
...The problem is, it's already started. The body shape is shifting, becoming terrifying & threatening, trapping me again. The hack nightmares have returned. The dysphoria is DEAFENING, already.
I don't know what to do. THIS IS WHY I WAS TRYING TO STARVE THIS BOY INTO EITHER "SAFETY" OR DEATH. This horrific fatness, PERSONIFIED IN EVERY ABUSER, is synonymous with rape. That's it, that's the blunt confession. It feels so WRONG. I would rather die than live like this because THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM THE PHYSICAL HELL OF A ""HEALTHY"" BODY.
...Not being able to feel my bones feels so wrong. Having this "solid thickness" to my abdomen feels WRONG!! I feel like a brute! I feel like a wall, like a boorish bully, like a stubborn arrogant forceful CRUEL HARSH ABUSER. obtrusive & offensive. "Shove this weight around." It's like what TBAS always said about why they hated THEIR weight, too-- that it was this horrible, thick barrier between the outside & inside-- like the TRUE "him," the REAL "Oliver," his heart, was being SUFFOCATED & BURIED beneath a hell of flesh & fat. They couldn't reach theirself because THEIR BODY WAS IN THE WAY. ...And now I feel like that, too. I feel that thick heabiness & it feels ANGRY, VIOLENT & MEAN. I miss being small. I miss being THIN ENOUGH TO FEEL MY SOUL INSTEAD OF THIS BODY. I wrap my arms around this abdomen and I can't feel myself anymore; all I feel is F*KING "FLESH." FILTH SIN UGLY HEAVY WRONG DISGUSTING FAT
I'm too far away. I feel like my identity is being devoured by the body's sheer weight, its "force," its... "inherently abusive" quality. Thick, brutish. Ironically there's an even worse fear. Being a "whore." The bigger this body is, the more other people CAN use it & grab it & take it & destroy ME. The hellfire won't go away. I WANT TO DIE. WE WOULD RATHER THIS BODY DIE THAN TURN INTO A WHOREHOUSE

I desperately keep trying to find other options. exit doors that aren't starvation.
BUT WE MUST BE SMALLER WE MUST BE PURE & CLEAR & LIGHT & SAFE & GOOD
AND UNTOUCHED, UNUSABLE, UNDEFILED, UNADULTERATED
BY EITHER FOOD OR THOSE F*KING WOMEN


God please
please do i have to be a w*mn??
do i have to be like this forever?


what do we do, right now, WHAT DO WE DO
----- we can barely write the terror is so intense we just want to SCREAM and THROW UP

WE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LIVE LIKE THIS!!!




We've noticed that in "trying to find hope" we default to TRAUMA MECHANISMS, which involve further "fawning/ imitating" & self-annihilation to "survive the unbearable." the MOST LETHAL "hope" is "GIVING IN" to the R*PE of "femininity" And FORCING the ABUSE
it would be to "give up fighting" and "just do what we're told/ expected to do & endure" by "accepting" the body changes
NO

WE CAN'T, WE WON'T, THAT'S REAL SUICIDE!!!


she's right. that's the hard but (God please) profoundly relieving truth.
WE DON'T "HAVE TO" PLEASE WE CANT. PLEASE LISTEN
JUST LISTEN TO US IT WOULD KILL US.
YOU KNOW THAT. WE ALL DO!!!
so what do we do.      EVEN THE ABUSERS
THAT'S WHY THEY DID IT
THE ABUSE ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL FORCING US TO BE "

I CAN'T SAY IT



but it all comes back to this.
our childhood, our innocence, our purity, our LIFE, our very SELF was FORCED TO DIE
SO THAT THEY COULD TURN OUR BODY INTO "A F*KING W*MAN!!!!!"

NO
NEVER AGAIN!!!!




we're at an impasse
we're stuck, trapped, terrified, lost, so so so scared make it stop
but
the changes Are here alrEAdy
we cANt EscApE

THE KIDs ARE fREAKINg ouT

AND WITH GOOD REASON

I CAN HELP

NOT HERE, THEY WON'T LET YOU

Is that truly our only remaining option?

GOD I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D EVER HAVE TO SERIOUSLY CONSIDER RETRIBUTION AGAIN.



there has to be another way.



infi's function broke, ze doesn't know how to handle this either
nobody does


LISTEN CAN WE GET AUTOPILOT OUT FOR A WHILE
TO JUST GET SOME DATA DOWN
TURN OFF THIS TERROR FOR A BIT
I Hope



WE'VE GOTTA FIND HOPE, DAMN IT. THAT'S OUR ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE THIS.


(dissociating)
                                (shutdown?)





ETERNITY
ETERNITY
ETERNITY
INFI LET THAT BE YOUR NEW CORE
REMIND US OF THE BIGGEST PICTURE
"THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
MEANING EVERYTHING OF THIS WORLD
ESPECIALLY THIS HELL.
(MATTHEW 22:30)    (MATTHEW 19:12)
this can't be forever
but even so
what do we do now?



the bottom line is always the same intolerable stupid awful admission that we can't seem to change without a notably deadly degree of forced dissociation, dishonesty, and self destruction.
our "inmost" conviction of identity/ "selfhood" is not a woman. arguably it might not even be "female," at least, not as long as that term is sxually defined.
our biggest, morally compatible hopes, all come from catholic mystics. all the meditations and visions and "ecstasies" that TRANSCEND GENDER & SEXUALITY YET REMAIN VIRGINAL.
And God we NEED THAT. Our soul cries for it. We KNOW we ARE that way, undeniably, at our very core. AND IT'S MORALLY LEGITIMATE. SEVERAL ACTUAL SAINTS both wrote about AND lived it!!
THERE IS NO "GENDER BINARY" / "SEXUAL DIMORPHISM" IN HEAVEN!!!
OTHERWISE CHRIST COULDN'T BE EVERYONE'S BRIDEGROOM
(also matthew 12:49-50? and 22:30? & 1 corinthians 7:34, 6:17? romans 8:4)


...honestly though I CANNOT "try to justify" this OR "make excuses." like it or not, "God created them MALE & FEMALE."
even if our souls are untouched by sexuality (& gender???), our bodies ARE. and I MUST learn to ACCEPT & LIVE WITH THAT.