the spectrum heart cathedral system

(from workbook)

(these memories MIGHT be HISTORICALLY INACCURATE as far as DETAILS go. we are recording this because this was written years later, without any review of original data, and as such this reveals the LONGTERM AFFECTS of those historical events, and therefore, the real psychic impact & impression of them.)

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REMEMBERING UNSTABLE PERIODS

Summer 2015?? AND NORTH CAROLINA. Both were HELL.
'15 was a TRAUMA LOOP and NC was DAILY ABUSE. I was "cut off from family" in different ways-- '15 had me left alone & avoided, while NC was a CONTROLLED "cut off contact." In both cases, I suffered PROLONGED DAILY SXABUSE & SENSORY DEPRIVATION, and I had NO FUTURE HOPE AT ALL.

How were you sleeping? What was your sleep schedule like? How many hours of sleep were you getting?

'15 = I slept tormentedly. I had no regular schedule & would fall asleep miserable. I'd stay up until like 4am typing?? Different bedtime EVERY day. Usually I got 6 hours, tops even? Some SLEEPLESS nights. I'd be "PROUD" of <5 hours.

CNC = I was forced, naked, to sleep like a dog at the edge of a shared bed, using someone else as a pillow. I never dreamed. I had NO regular schedule. Weekdays were all-nighters, then sleep from 7am-2pm?? Days off, bedtime was like 3am. I WOULD WAKE UP ALONE AT 8:30 & RUN TO THE STORE JUST TO ESCAPE!! In general though I got 5-8 hours? But it was VERY BROKEN SLEEP!! I never really felt rested. It was more like a coma every night, never restorative.

When you were unwell, what was your daily routine? What did you do every day? Were the times regular?

'15 = Daily hacks. LOTS of prolonged binges. Running daily?? Laptop work. No regular waketime, it was random & trauma-mangled. CONSCIOUS deprivation concerning bedtimes. Meals were NEVER regular; it was all-day fasting then late binge-crashes. We were isolatory and never socialized. Our exercise times were impulsive & LONG but random. I took no meds.

CNC = Schedule was TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE; dictated by TBAS. They'd eat, then do TV/ games/ computer, leaving me alone. I wound binge, very slowly, to fill the existential void & acute loneliness/ abandonment feelings. TBAS had a roughly set work time, but NOT schedule. As for me, I was homebound/ isolated due to both social terror & fear of punishment, unless I rashly "borrowed the car" during a manic state/ had a medical appointment. But there was NO pattern or order. Waketimes were determined by abuse cycles. Bedtimes were controlled but insomniac. Mealtimes were an absolute hellish mess. Socializing was "roommates" only, who strictly albeit passively kept me homebound & controlled. Exercise was virtually absent; I was stuck inside & immobile, UNLESS I snuck out to RUN!!! That was arguably my only escape, until that too became shot through with heavy repeated trauma. As for med times, there was daily Benadryl abuse to "dope out" awareness of all other abuse. I took it up to 4x daily. I also hyperdosed on melatonin, and would sneak alcohol & Nyquil (sometimes debating taking them at once) for the same suicidal-sedative reasons.

How did others play a role?

'15 = Family was entirely neglectful. Dad & mom were both gone, living elsewhere with virtually no contact. Brothers isolated in rooms, did not speak to me. I think they were also in COLLEGE so they weren't always there. Grandparents would ALSO GO OUT??? Morning coffee/store trips that would take HOURS. So we were frequently completely alone in the house, and even when we weren't, there was effectively NO communication or dialogue. We have no memory of any dialogue outside of the small explosions of screaming matches & violent fights.

CNC= Family contact was forbidden. Life was DICTATED by "abusers" whims. I literally had NO say & NO power; I HAD to follow their decisions & schedules, however random. I always smiled & agreed & tried to never complain. (for the record, when I DID struggle, especially with health failure & mental health crises, I would hate myself even more for "ruining THEIR day/schedule" and try to act like I was fine)

What have you learned by looking back on this time and thinking about the routine you had?

'15 = NO ROUTINE at large. Everything a void; no goals or hopes or responsibilities? Fueled addictions & obsessive behavior; "no purpose," "no future."

CNC = There WAS a "rough routine" but it was INFLICTED & SUBJECT TO CHANGE OF WHIM. I had NO say & NO control, NO ESCAPE.


PREVENTING FUTURE INSTABILITY

Think of a past episode of depression or mania. How do you think keeping track of changes in your mood might have been helpful in the early stage of the episode?

MANIC: These hit a LOT during college; possibly even high school! But they never occurred in a vacuum. The MAJOR precipitator was not "socializing"-- thank God I was VERY isolatory back then-- it was MEDIA. As a teen, when I first started going online, I was SO HYPER. I'd get a NiGHTS game update, or some Sonic news, or a new issue of a manga, and I'd just go WILD. My emotions were YO-YOS-- either I was invincible & everything was awesome, OR I was desolate & felt worthless & unlovable. I suppose that, if I had NOTED when I got a "media high" or an "incompetency low", I could OBSERVE that from "OUTSIDE" the state?? I'm SURE the System would've helped, even back then. But if I WAS feeling hyper, we could have taken steps to "RECENTER IN OURSELF," as opposed to OUTSIDE, even only on message boards or Freewebs. IT WAS STILL A "SOCIAL" TRIGGER because it STILL OCCURRED WITHIN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- ESPECIALLY once I started regularly posting to dA INSTEAD OF LJ, and my very "presence" online BECAME PERFORMATIVE. This got WORSE when Q entered the scene; and that was actually the "trigger" to FLIP it from mania to DEPRESSION?? Now I was FURIOUS because I "HAD TO" perform for this kid, so I COULDN'T BE "ME", the ultimate result of ALL social function in my mind?? Nevertheless I STARTED A PRIVATE JOURNAL & let the pain & sorrow & anger out there. But I STILL just "let it carry me along"; I NEVER just paused & took CONSCIOUS note that "hey, I'm starting to feel really upset/ frustrated/ helpless"-- I would just RANT & VENT. And letting that "take over" fueled depressive crashes; I COULDN'T "cope" if I didn't LOOK AT the emotions AND thoughts AND situation!!
Honestly THANK GOD FOR LAURIE because her gatecrashing the Xanga JUMPSTARTED the development of self-AWARENESS and self-reflection that ALLOWED us to see AND understand (together!) WHEN AND WHY our emotions were going crazy. With her, I COULDN'T be manic OR depressed, because SHE KEPT WATCH & CALLED ME OUT. So... START UP THE XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN, KIDDO! And KEEP NOTES on daily emotion/ thought changes, so you know WHAT to discuss!

Can you think of a few examples when stressors influenced your sleep & routine schedule, and then impacted your mood?

(The E.D. in general was its OWN UNPREDICTABLE "ROUTINE"; wrecking ALL ELSE)
+ The most OBVIOUS example is the binge/purge hell cycles, ESPECIALLY after a day on the road. Some nights I'd be up until 3AM. Then I'd miss morning Mass, I'd be late for afternoon Mass, I'd HAVE to wait until ~3PM to eat at ALL, perpetuating the cycle, & I'd be EXHAUSTED the entire time. I felt chronically hopeless, overwhelmed, trapped, & MISERABLE. This prevented me from making healthy changes-- I was SO wrecked that I kept giving in to the dissociative "refuge" or the E.D. JUST TO "COPE".
+ I ALSO WAS SO STRESSED AT HOME THAT IT DIDN'T FEEL SAFE TO SLEEP THERE.
In college, I'd frequently have Illustration homework that would keep me up ALL NIGHT, resulting in only ~2-3 hours of sleep if I was lucky; most often I WOULDN'T sleep. I'd feel so disheartened & incapable of joy. I began to "hate art." I struggled to focus in class-- a sick relief sometimes, as the trauma of figure drawing was fled from more easily then. I HAD to keep the college schedule, but the lack of sleep plus choking despair made me start sleeping in every study spot and I ended up NOT having the homework done-- so I started SKIPPING. I lost my schedule and I FELT lost as a result.
+ Doctor's appointments & visits to the homestead ALWAYS happened "suddenly" and threw off my routine-- appointments had to be planned AROUND & often impacted Church/ shopping times. Going up the house was ALWAYS unpredictable & HIGHLY stressful. Those days I might not get home until 6PM or later, WRECKED.
+ When I was visiting daily/ weekly to take care of grandma, I COULDN'T have a schedule. I WANTED to STAY with her, but now had "no place there" and had to do everything in a "liminal" state of mind, knowing I had to eventually eat/ sleep/ wash/ travel AFTER. Every day was a disordered jumble; the only routine was grandma's meds.

What are some of the challenges to schedule stability that you are facing in the next month? Danger signs? Possible solutions to consider?

The most obvious challenges are: the loss of COPE's steady & solid schedule, the loss of liberty related to transportation & finances, the mandatory PARTIAL schedule, replacing E.D. cycles with creative work, and STRIVING to schedule in CHURCH & EXERCISE with no car & obligatory mealtimes. Also doctors AND helping mom, which are VARIABLES.
Danger signs for me would be: oversleeping, bingeing from overstimulation &/or anxiety, not letting myself rest, NOT praying or going to church, isolating (refusing ALL contact), refusing to do creative &/or enjoyable things, rage outbursts & crying jags, self-abusive actions, skipping Partial, manic symptoms, not making or adhering to even a rough schedule, neglecting self-care, COLD HEART, dissociation, "lockouts," increased flashbacks? Basically if I start feeling HOPELESS, DISTRAUGHT, ANGRY, OVERWHELMED, VIOLENT, HOLLOW, EXHAUSTED, RESTLESS, EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFIED, &/OR SUICIDAL, we have a problem!!
The most effective & IMMEDIATE solutions would include: immediate journaling/ Xangas (IF NOT IN LOCKOUT/ LOCKDOWN); praying &/or reading Scripture; OR if our brain is TOO SHAKEN to do thoughtwork, to POSITIVELY DISTRACT: play Klonoa, watch TV or a safe movie, listen to music... but DECIDE TO SIT DOWN & STAY THERE!! Pacing & standing makes things MUCH WORSE!! So GET COPING DISTRACTIONS that KEEP YOU CALM & STILL & FOCUSED on something POSITIVE!!

First Saturday.

During Exposition & Adoration: offering up the pain of my earrings as a small sacrifice on my brother's behalf.
Wondering about "uniting our sufferings to Christ's sufferings" as well as the idea of "take up thy cross," in light of the fact that "dual imputation" is HERETICAL. Jesus was INNOCENT when he died on our behalf. He did not "become sin" as that's impossible.
This made me realize that THIS IS WHY WE MUST "TAKE UP OUR CROSS" or we cannot be His disciples, or be saved-- because WE MUST DIE WITH HIM TO BE FORGIVEN. Jesus opened the door for salvation, yes, by offering Himself up as the spotless Victim on our behalf to pay a debt we could NEVER pay ourselves… for sin is cosmically terrifying and its inevitable consequence is death… HOWEVER the Cross is not a free ride. We must also be willing to die with Him, in order to SHARE in that Atonement.


I have been praying to be cured of this eating disorder in time for Yom Kippur. It's scary, and today I realized why.
When making breakfast, I suddenly noticed how much rage I was channeling into cutting the carrots. Grandma had told me to "cut down" and my mind reacted with an outburst of agonized pain that immediately became a force that went into the knife, chop chop chop, and suddenly I realized that in any other circumstance, that knife would have been going into my arm.
Geez. No WONDER I'm afraid to stop making so much-- because the more I make, the more I can cut to pieces.


After church, I was brave, as I was praying, and I wanted to try to eat dinner. My body was weak and cold and tired and aching and sad, and I thought, "jeepers, if this keeps up all winter, I might not make it to Christmas. I need to learn how to eat again." Which is TERRIFYING. But if I don't try, I'll never see my prayers answered, because I won't be cooperating with them.
I cut up three cucumbers, four carrots, two romaine hearts, and about a cup and a half of mom's green beans, then added 1/3 cup of oats, and sprinkled salt over it all. That was it.
It took me a full hour to eat, I was slightly stuffed, and then the scary thing happened.
My entire body felt like it was on fire.

I had this irresistible need to burn it off. So I got on the exercise bike for 20 minutes, listening to Body Language and Beirut and Chad Valley and all sorts of other retro tunes, and as I felt the muscles burning in my legs, I wondered, just how much of my life is spent trying to SEDATE myself?

I have this mania in me that is frankly terrifying and it feels like all of my time is spent trying to chain up this hysterical animal in me that is burning like a brushfire and exploding with pent-up force and if I don't keep this thing as weak and starved as possible, it's going to kill somebody.

 

I HATE endorphins.

Every single time I do anything that sets them off, I want to kill EVERYTHING.

I really, really don't like it when that happens.

I can't even exercise without wanting to eviscerate something. And not exercising is making me seriously ill.

The only exception to the rule is pain. When I'm in pain, that death drive turns inwards, and I then become disturbingly bent on eviscerating myself, so to speak. But no one else is in danger then.

When I get a 'rush' from anything else, I don't 'feel good.' I'm aware of the biological effects they're supposed to be setting off, but the only thing I actually get is that unadulterated violent rage.

Seriously, what is this??

I am so sick of not being able to do ANYTHING without this happening.

I have literally hurt people because of this, you know. Not just me.

I really do not want to put up with this biological idiocy anymore.

The worst part is that, when I read spiritual blogs, EVERYTHING makes sense EXCEPT when they say 'enjoy your body' and all that nonsense.

The single thing keeping me from being unafraid of death is the view some people have of the 'afterlife.'

I don't want to keep this nightmare of a body.

If I die, if I ever manage to become enlightened (which this problem is severely hindering), I DO NOT WANT A PHYSICAL FORM.


You know what, I've had it. I've had it with this nonsense.

I'm going to try and sleep without having a string of panic attacks. Wish me luck.