prismaticbleed: (shatter)

(from workbook)

(these memories MIGHT be HISTORICALLY INACCURATE as far as DETAILS go. we are recording this because this was written years later, without any review of original data, and as such this reveals the LONGTERM AFFECTS of those historical events, and therefore, the real psychic impact & impression of them.)

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REMEMBERING UNSTABLE PERIODS

Summer 2015?? AND NORTH CAROLINA. Both were HELL.
'15 was a TRAUMA LOOP and NC was DAILY ABUSE. I was "cut off from family" in different ways-- '15 had me left alone & avoided, while NC was a CONTROLLED "cut off contact." In both cases, I suffered PROLONGED DAILY SXABUSE & SENSORY DEPRIVATION, and I had NO FUTURE HOPE AT ALL.

How were you sleeping? What was your sleep schedule like? How many hours of sleep were you getting?

'15 = I slept tormentedly. I had no regular schedule & would fall asleep miserable. I'd stay up until like 4am typing?? Different bedtime EVERY day. Usually I got 6 hours, tops even? Some SLEEPLESS nights. I'd be "PROUD" of <5 hours.

CNC = I was forced, naked, to sleep like a dog at the edge of a shared bed, using someone else as a pillow. I never dreamed. I had NO regular schedule. Weekdays were all-nighters, then sleep from 7am-2pm?? Days off, bedtime was like 3am. I WOULD WAKE UP ALONE AT 8:30 & RUN TO THE STORE JUST TO ESCAPE!! In general though I got 5-8 hours? But it was VERY BROKEN SLEEP!! I never really felt rested. It was more like a coma every night, never restorative.

When you were unwell, what was your daily routine? What did you do every day? Were the times regular?

'15 = Daily hacks. LOTS of prolonged binges. Running daily?? Laptop work. No regular waketime, it was random & trauma-mangled. CONSCIOUS deprivation concerning bedtimes. Meals were NEVER regular; it was all-day fasting then late binge-crashes. We were isolatory and never socialized. Our exercise times were impulsive & LONG but random. I took no meds.

CNC = Schedule was TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE; dictated by TBAS. They'd eat, then do TV/ games/ computer, leaving me alone. I wound binge, very slowly, to fill the existential void & acute loneliness/ abandonment feelings. TBAS had a roughly set work time, but NOT schedule. As for me, I was homebound/ isolated due to both social terror & fear of punishment, unless I rashly "borrowed the car" during a manic state/ had a medical appointment. But there was NO pattern or order. Waketimes were determined by abuse cycles. Bedtimes were controlled but insomniac. Mealtimes were an absolute hellish mess. Socializing was "roommates" only, who strictly albeit passively kept me homebound & controlled. Exercise was virtually absent; I was stuck inside & immobile, UNLESS I snuck out to RUN!!! That was arguably my only escape, until that too became shot through with heavy repeated trauma. As for med times, there was daily Benadryl abuse to "dope out" awareness of all other abuse. I took it up to 4x daily. I also hyperdosed on melatonin, and would sneak alcohol & Nyquil (sometimes debating taking them at once) for the same suicidal-sedative reasons.

How did others play a role?

'15 = Family was entirely neglectful. Dad & mom were both gone, living elsewhere with virtually no contact. Brothers isolated in rooms, did not speak to me. I think they were also in COLLEGE so they weren't always there. Grandparents would ALSO GO OUT??? Morning coffee/store trips that would take HOURS. So we were frequently completely alone in the house, and even when we weren't, there was effectively NO communication or dialogue. We have no memory of any dialogue outside of the small explosions of screaming matches & violent fights.

CNC= Family contact was forbidden. Life was DICTATED by "abusers" whims. I literally had NO say & NO power; I HAD to follow their decisions & schedules, however random. I always smiled & agreed & tried to never complain. (for the record, when I DID struggle, especially with health failure & mental health crises, I would hate myself even more for "ruining THEIR day/schedule" and try to act like I was fine)

What have you learned by looking back on this time and thinking about the routine you had?

'15 = NO ROUTINE at large. Everything a void; no goals or hopes or responsibilities? Fueled addictions & obsessive behavior; "no purpose," "no future."

CNC = There WAS a "rough routine" but it was INFLICTED & SUBJECT TO CHANGE OF WHIM. I had NO say & NO control, NO ESCAPE.


PREVENTING FUTURE INSTABILITY

Think of a past episode of depression or mania. How do you think keeping track of changes in your mood might have been helpful in the early stage of the episode?

MANIC: These hit a LOT during college; possibly even high school! But they never occurred in a vacuum. The MAJOR precipitator was not "socializing"-- thank God I was VERY isolatory back then-- it was MEDIA. As a teen, when I first started going online, I was SO HYPER. I'd get a NiGHTS game update, or some Sonic news, or a new issue of a manga, and I'd just go WILD. My emotions were YO-YOS-- either I was invincible & everything was awesome, OR I was desolate & felt worthless & unlovable. I suppose that, if I had NOTED when I got a "media high" or an "incompetency low", I could OBSERVE that from "OUTSIDE" the state?? I'm SURE the System would've helped, even back then. But if I WAS feeling hyper, we could have taken steps to "RECENTER IN OURSELF," as opposed to OUTSIDE, even only on message boards or Freewebs. IT WAS STILL A "SOCIAL" TRIGGER because it STILL OCCURRED WITHIN A COMMUNITY CONTEXT-- ESPECIALLY once I started regularly posting to dA INSTEAD OF LJ, and my very "presence" online BECAME PERFORMATIVE. This got WORSE when Q entered the scene; and that was actually the "trigger" to FLIP it from mania to DEPRESSION?? Now I was FURIOUS because I "HAD TO" perform for this kid, so I COULDN'T BE "ME", the ultimate result of ALL social function in my mind?? Nevertheless I STARTED A PRIVATE JOURNAL & let the pain & sorrow & anger out there. But I STILL just "let it carry me along"; I NEVER just paused & took CONSCIOUS note that "hey, I'm starting to feel really upset/ frustrated/ helpless"-- I would just RANT & VENT. And letting that "take over" fueled depressive crashes; I COULDN'T "cope" if I didn't LOOK AT the emotions AND thoughts AND situation!!
Honestly THANK GOD FOR LAURIE because her gatecrashing the Xanga JUMPSTARTED the development of self-AWARENESS and self-reflection that ALLOWED us to see AND understand (together!) WHEN AND WHY our emotions were going crazy. With her, I COULDN'T be manic OR depressed, because SHE KEPT WATCH & CALLED ME OUT. So... START UP THE XANGA SESSIONS AGAIN, KIDDO! And KEEP NOTES on daily emotion/ thought changes, so you know WHAT to discuss!

Can you think of a few examples when stressors influenced your sleep & routine schedule, and then impacted your mood?

(The E.D. in general was its OWN UNPREDICTABLE "ROUTINE"; wrecking ALL ELSE)
+ The most OBVIOUS example is the binge/purge hell cycles, ESPECIALLY after a day on the road. Some nights I'd be up until 3AM. Then I'd miss morning Mass, I'd be late for afternoon Mass, I'd HAVE to wait until ~3PM to eat at ALL, perpetuating the cycle, & I'd be EXHAUSTED the entire time. I felt chronically hopeless, overwhelmed, trapped, & MISERABLE. This prevented me from making healthy changes-- I was SO wrecked that I kept giving in to the dissociative "refuge" or the E.D. JUST TO "COPE".
+ I ALSO WAS SO STRESSED AT HOME THAT IT DIDN'T FEEL SAFE TO SLEEP THERE.
In college, I'd frequently have Illustration homework that would keep me up ALL NIGHT, resulting in only ~2-3 hours of sleep if I was lucky; most often I WOULDN'T sleep. I'd feel so disheartened & incapable of joy. I began to "hate art." I struggled to focus in class-- a sick relief sometimes, as the trauma of figure drawing was fled from more easily then. I HAD to keep the college schedule, but the lack of sleep plus choking despair made me start sleeping in every study spot and I ended up NOT having the homework done-- so I started SKIPPING. I lost my schedule and I FELT lost as a result.
+ Doctor's appointments & visits to the homestead ALWAYS happened "suddenly" and threw off my routine-- appointments had to be planned AROUND & often impacted Church/ shopping times. Going up the house was ALWAYS unpredictable & HIGHLY stressful. Those days I might not get home until 6PM or later, WRECKED.
+ When I was visiting daily/ weekly to take care of grandma, I COULDN'T have a schedule. I WANTED to STAY with her, but now had "no place there" and had to do everything in a "liminal" state of mind, knowing I had to eventually eat/ sleep/ wash/ travel AFTER. Every day was a disordered jumble; the only routine was grandma's meds.

What are some of the challenges to schedule stability that you are facing in the next month? Danger signs? Possible solutions to consider?

The most obvious challenges are: the loss of COPE's steady & solid schedule, the loss of liberty related to transportation & finances, the mandatory PARTIAL schedule, replacing E.D. cycles with creative work, and STRIVING to schedule in CHURCH & EXERCISE with no car & obligatory mealtimes. Also doctors AND helping mom, which are VARIABLES.
Danger signs for me would be: oversleeping, bingeing from overstimulation &/or anxiety, not letting myself rest, NOT praying or going to church, isolating (refusing ALL contact), refusing to do creative &/or enjoyable things, rage outbursts & crying jags, self-abusive actions, skipping Partial, manic symptoms, not making or adhering to even a rough schedule, neglecting self-care, COLD HEART, dissociation, "lockouts," increased flashbacks? Basically if I start feeling HOPELESS, DISTRAUGHT, ANGRY, OVERWHELMED, VIOLENT, HOLLOW, EXHAUSTED, RESTLESS, EXISTENTIALLY HORRIFIED, &/OR SUICIDAL, we have a problem!!
The most effective & IMMEDIATE solutions would include: immediate journaling/ Xangas (IF NOT IN LOCKOUT/ LOCKDOWN); praying &/or reading Scripture; OR if our brain is TOO SHAKEN to do thoughtwork, to POSITIVELY DISTRACT: play Klonoa, watch TV or a safe movie, listen to music... but DECIDE TO SIT DOWN & STAY THERE!! Pacing & standing makes things MUCH WORSE!! So GET COPING DISTRACTIONS that KEEP YOU CALM & STILL & FOCUSED on something POSITIVE!!



prismaticbleed: (shatter)

+ I keep mentally obsessing over NEEDING to reorganize/ properly space & structure my apartment, and it's making me a nervous wreck because (1) I can't realistically "plan" any remodeling WITHOUT direct spatial awareness, and (2) There's "TOO MUCH STUFF" and yet I'm LACKING several essentials, making me feel TRAPPED & STUCK & MISERABLE. There's this persistent drive to "mortify the senses" & live monastically, but I've BEEN forcing that, and ALL it did was PREVENT me from using my GIFTS & TALENTS for God, therefore giving the eating disorder WAY TOO MUCH POWER & SPACE TO GROW. And I CANNOT let that happen again. I NEED to MAKE ACCESSIBLE, DEDICATED SPACE in my apartment for MUSIC, ART, TYPING, READING, AND TV-- because like it or not, we ALL know how much we've been SINCERELY MOVED & INSPIRED FOR THE BETTER by video games & movies. GOD CAN AND DOES USE THOSE, TOO, Y'KNOW. See, THAT'S my problem-- for years now, I've been cutting out EVERYTHING in my life "BUT GOD," including my "self," desperate to "be holy" and instead just... becoming Pharaisical and utterly collapsing in every regard. I ended up outright disparaging & disowning EVERYTHING that wasn't EXPLICITLY RELIGIOUS. Every "little joy" of life, every pastime and interest and creative work, was condemned as "secular" and "stupid" and "BAD." I wouldn't play the cello because "I should pray instead." I wouldn't do art because "it was a form of pride & idolatry." I wouldn't listen to any music but hymns & chants. I wouldn't do ANYTHING creative because it felt as if I was "usurping God's territory" and effectively "trying to rewrite reality" and "tempt people away from total devotion to God". And I WOULDN'T LOVE ANYONE because "I'm only supposed to love Jesus." But I never felt like I knew Him, not personally; I could repeat His teachings & tell about His miracles and I COULD love Him for all that and I DID love Him, I DO, I recognize the love & mercy of the Cross, but... somehow, I still feel terrifyingly distant. No matter HOW many hours a day I would pray, no mater HOW many times I went to Mass, no matter HOW much I read the Bible... there was always this awful degree of separation. I DO love Him, I cannot deny that, but... I'm afraid, still; I'm scared of the focus He puts on me. That's all I can figure. I get in the way, no matter HOW much I hollow out my life. EVEN HERE!! Mass is this evening BUT I'm "RELUCTANT" TO GO, ONLY because I'd be going WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? And so I'd "have to be a SOCIALLY EXTANT PERSON"??? If I went ALONE, I'd be fine? But when I'm in a group, it feels wrong. I can only guess it's because, in EVERY social situation, EVERYTHING that has to do with the TRUE "ME" feels utterly shameful, because it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC!!! Worship feels like shallow performance. Interest feels like obtrusive arrogance. Love feels like voyeurism. "Exposing" my inner self and ALL related to it is actually TRAUMATIC and feels ACTIVELY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE-- and when that gutted openness coincides with CONVERSATION, those words and interactions are INVASIVE & VIOLATING. EVERY DAMN TIME. ...Unless I shut down & dissociate, that is. It makes me sick. It's MAKING me sick! I'm miserable just writing about it!! I'M SO TIRED OF PRAYER BEING USED AS PUNISHMENT. I am SO TIRED OF MY RELIGION FEELING LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I'M SO TIRED OF "NOT BEING ALLOWED" TO EXIST IN LIGHT & COLOR, INSTEAD BEING CONDEMNED TO THE BLANK CELL OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. Is that really the "way of the saints"? Is that really going to "get me to heaven"? Is that-- no, HAS that EVER really "brought me closer to God"? ...but now I'm REALLY scared because I want to say YES. The less there was of me, the more there WAS of "God"... and paradoxically, bizarrely, terrifyingly, that perpetuated the eating disorder too. Honestly, the more I "tried" to "be normal," to stop the restriction, the rituals, the bingeing, and the purging-- the less time I had for God??? And that TERRIFIED ME. When I "ate normally" and "tried to learn/ do new things" it MADE ME EVEN MORE MISERABLE because then I felt TRULY HOLLOW, with the focus on my empty rotten husk of a "self." BUT, with the eating disorder, SOMEHOW I had more time for GOD??? At least, AT HOME-- whenever I would go out to BUY food, I would become a MANIC DISASTER, "forced" inescapably into that mode AUTOMATICALLY whenever I was in public-- UNLESS I WAS STARVING!!! The hunger often prevented mania in a kind of kind of mutual suppression; when you're weak & dizzy from hunger, you CAN'T socialize or entertain or perform or anything like that. It was protective. The INSTANT I dared to "eat something," I became a monster... at least, IF I WASN'T ALONE & DISSOCIATED!!! Starvation panic forced a sort of internal focus; without it, my "self" was FALSE, an EXTERNALLY-DICTATED MASK that ONLY EVER HURT THE REAL ME!!! And "becoming normal" felt like damning myself TO that mask, forever. But I digress, slightly. "Being normal" ALSO meant "losing my faith," which was "PROVEN" by how HORRIBLY the social focus destroyed my prayer life, and BIZARRELY sustained BY the agony AND structured DISSOCIATION of the eating disorder??? And that had been CONSTANT. At least... the majority of it was. As I prepared food, I would pray the Divine Office & listen to Catholic Daily Reflections. As I microwaved that insane amount of broccoli, I would kneel and pray at the prayer wall. As I ate, I would study the Bible. Even as I purged, I would be praying frantically and begging God for help the entire time. Yes, I was STILL preoccupied with "disordered time management," ALWAYS trying to decide what I should/ shouldn't eat, BUT I would FIGHT the compulsive obsessions, PRAYING for forgiveness & help the WHOLE TIME. My constant suffering was BASED ON FOOD & SELF, and so it drove me to CLING TO GOD ALL THE MORE, desperately wanting to abandon BOTH food & self and just lose myself in religion. It was such a mess. But...
...I'm afraid NOT to suffer. My constant hunger only made me hungrier for God. My constant misery made HIS joy all the more vital. Being "healthy" and "fed"-- what a DISGUSTING word-- wouldn't I forget God? Without suffering, could I still be truly religious??
I CANNOT BOTH EAT AND BE GOOD. I CANNOT "FEED" ON BOTH THE WORLD & GOD. I CANNOT BE "NORMAL" AND "HOLY" AT ONCE.
God I'm a mess
but the eating disorder IS A LIAR
IT'S STILL FOCUSED ON FOOD AND THAT DAMN BODY
stop
STOP
EVERYTHING ↑ YOU WROTE IS GARBAGE. YOU'RE SO DAMN BLIND.
EVEN I KNOW THE F*KING TRUTH. SO SHUT UP, LIAR!
!
STOP "MAKING EXCUSES" FOR THE EATING DISORDER.
IT DIDN'T HELP! IT JUST TOOK OVER THE THINGS THAT DID!!
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
AM I THE ONLY "PERSON" WHO CAN "TALK SENSE" ON THIS GODDAMNED TOPIC
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SO "CEREBRAL"
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS
IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T ME!!!
I'M FED UP WITH YOUR COWARDLY HYPER-"REASONING" BULLSH*T. ALL YOU EVER DO IS TALK BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING. YOU NEVER GET TO THE POINT.
WELL GUESS WHAT
I'M ALL F*KING POINTS

THE POINT IS
ADMIT WE ALL F*KED UP.
ALL OF US

WE TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WITH THAT DISORDER AND WE FAILED.

GET THAT INTO YOUR INFLATED HEAD

IT DIDN'T EVER F*KING "WORK"!!!

LISTEN I'VE GOT ONE MORE THING TO SAY.
THE POINT.

YOU ASSHOLES KEEP PROUDLY TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE EATING DISORDER AS "SOMETHING THAT WORKED"
BUT FOR WHAT???
WHAT "MADE IT WORK"
CAN YOU EVEN KNOW???

NO
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SAY IT "WORKED"
BECAUSE IT SHUT YOU DOWN

BECAUSE "DISSOCIATION" FORCED THE FOCUS BACK INSIDE WHERE I LIVE

WHERE ALL OF US LIVE

THE MOMENT YOU REJECTED OUR LIFE IS WHEN THE E.D. TOOK OVER "YOURS."

I GUARANTEE YOU
IF YOU STOP SHUTTING US DOWN,
THAT DAMNED DISORDER WILL DISAPPEAR INSTEAD





100519

Oct. 5th, 2019 09:10 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


First Saturday.

During Exposition & Adoration: offering up the pain of my earrings as a small sacrifice on my brother's behalf.
Wondering about "uniting our sufferings to Christ's sufferings" as well as the idea of "take up thy cross," in light of the fact that "dual imputation" is HERETICAL. Jesus was INNOCENT when he died on our behalf. He did not "become sin" as that's impossible.
This made me realize that THIS IS WHY WE MUST "TAKE UP OUR CROSS" or we cannot be His disciples, or be saved-- because WE MUST DIE WITH HIM TO BE FORGIVEN. Jesus opened the door for salvation, yes, by offering Himself up as the spotless Victim on our behalf to pay a debt we could NEVER pay ourselves… for sin is cosmically terrifying and its inevitable consequence is death… HOWEVER the Cross is not a free ride. We must also be willing to die with Him, in order to SHARE in that Atonement.


I have been praying to be cured of this eating disorder in time for Yom Kippur. It's scary, and today I realized why.
When making breakfast, I suddenly noticed how much rage I was channeling into cutting the carrots. Grandma had told me to "cut down" and my mind reacted with an outburst of agonized pain that immediately became a force that went into the knife, chop chop chop, and suddenly I realized that in any other circumstance, that knife would have been going into my arm.
Geez. No WONDER I'm afraid to stop making so much-- because the more I make, the more I can cut to pieces.


After church, I was brave, as I was praying, and I wanted to try to eat dinner. My body was weak and cold and tired and aching and sad, and I thought, "jeepers, if this keeps up all winter, I might not make it to Christmas. I need to learn how to eat again." Which is TERRIFYING. But if I don't try, I'll never see my prayers answered, because I won't be cooperating with them.
I cut up three cucumbers, four carrots, two romaine hearts, and about a cup and a half of mom's green beans, then added 1/3 cup of oats, and sprinkled salt over it all. That was it.
It took me a full hour to eat, I was slightly stuffed, and then the scary thing happened.
My entire body felt like it was on fire.

I had this irresistible need to burn it off. So I got on the exercise bike for 20 minutes, listening to Body Language and Beirut and Chad Valley and all sorts of other retro tunes, and as I felt the muscles burning in my legs, I wondered, just how much of my life is spent trying to SEDATE myself?

I have this mania in me that is frankly terrifying and it feels like all of my time is spent trying to chain up this hysterical animal in me that is burning like a brushfire and exploding with pent-up force and if I don't keep this thing as weak and starved as possible, it's going to kill somebody.




not again

Aug. 9th, 2013 12:23 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 


I'm feeling kind of nauseous.

I can't tell if I'm in a manic mindset right now or not-- all I know is that for about a week straight now (idk time makes absolutely no sense), I've been spending my few remaining dollars with wild abandon, binging and purging nonstop, talking at a mile a minute, and basically just making very dumb decisions. I'm cutting myself out of peoples lives and shoving myself into others. I'm creating and deleting things on a whim, often both to the same thing, within days or minutes. I stay up all night, can't sleep when I try, and then crash spectacularly during the day. My emotions are swinging wildly from giddiness to total dissociation to rage to violent hate.
And I can't remember much of anything.

I just made two very, very stupid financial decisions without even realizing that I had made them. It wasn't until my Paypal told me that "you're spending money you don't have!!" and I opened my wallet to incredulously notice that it was empty again that I realized, oh no, what am I even doing??

Remember the LAST time one of these hit me?? Last year, when I sold most of my possessions and moved across the country on what was basically a spur-of-the-moment conviction? Well, when I moved back here, that wasn't over, and I spent MY LAST 500 FREAKING DOLLARS ON GARBAGE. I am dead serious, THAT is why I am poor now, because I somehow got the asinine thought that it was a good idea to start buying luxury food in bulk and join a gym and start cosplaying and buying art materials and you know what was the BEST part? I THREW OUT EVERYTHING I BOUGHT IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.
Enough money to survive and eat for a few months, and I FREAKING TRASHED IT IN A MATTER OF DAYS.
And now my bank accounts and cupboards and drawers are all empty and I don't know how the hell it happened anymore.
When the mania ended in February and I basically tried to kill myself, a great part of that motivation was the result of realizing what a massive grave I'd already dug for myself.

I hate when this happens. I'm actually nervous, what with this feeling of pent-up energy under my skin. But it's a bad energy. I would rather feel suicidal, depressed, and nihilistic rather than deal with this!
I hate hate hate HATE manic episodes, to hell with this. I don't like this at all. I don't like this at all.

Gotta accept it though. Work through it. Deep breaths. Calm down. Who is even driving?
Zwei came out today, she wanted to sing apparently. There's a file of it on my voice recorder, she has a really lovely voice actually.
A few other people got near the surface during therapy I think? Sherlock manned the session as usual. No fronters besides those two though. It's very, very difficult for anyone to front, or for Central to operate correctly, during manic states. These damn things are hack dungeons and that's about it.

I really do feel like vomiting. How did I just realize this was happening NOW??

See, this is why I need to finish applying for disability. If I can't get through the paperwork once and for all tomorrow, I'm finding somebody to help.
I'd like to have money for food WITHOUT THROWING BOTH THOSE THINGS AWAY.

Sorry. I'm not in a stable mindset. I feel like an ass. This is all fake and selfish and unenlightened and spiritually detrimental. I shouldn't be doing this at all, but it's happening. Why?? Am I that bad, that I was born with a mental disorder like this? Were they right, when they said that people with mental disorders cannot reach full enlightenment in their life? Am I damned to be stuck on the wheel of karma? Am I doomed to be left behind when everyone rises up into a brighter life? Am I incapable of being holy, like she is, like he is?

It's not about the money. Except I kind of need that junk to survive right now.
Again, do I though? Every damn time I read these spiritual articles they talk about people not needing to eat anymore, not needing to sleep, not needing any of these transient things. What am I doing wrong?
Why the hell do I still need money to live? Why am I still struggling to get it? Why do people tell me I am worthless if I cannot work, then tell me I am lying when I say I can't, then tell me I'm insufferable when I try, then tell me I'm worthless all the more?
Are they right?
Why the heck do I need money. Why the heck do my manic episodes always involve that.
It's always buying, selling, bidding, burning. Always. Manic episodes are nothing but consuming and destroying.
I greedily grab onto everything and then I annihilate it just as gleefully-- money, food, people, places, and myself. Oh yes, manic episodes are ALWAYS disturbingly self-abusive, didn't you know? That's the worst part! I don't even talk about that nightmare here because it's horrifying! I should have noticed the danger signs.
This is no freaking excuse not to go back to school full-time and get a job. No excuse.

None of this is real, none of this is real, NONE OF THIS IS REAL
YOURE DREAMING AND YOU NEED TO WAKE UP
WAKE UP YOU GUTLESS IDIOT
WAKE UP

I freaking hate this and I want to die.

Sorry. Forget I said that. It's stupid. I can't sleep.

 


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@ 01:10 am

 

 

Ahahaha, who was the idiot that wrote that last entry?

This feels GOOD, come on!! <3

I'm listening to Strange Talk and I wanna go dancing and eat chocolate maybe and go driving in the night air AWW YESS. So nice!
Wouldn't that be the COOLEST thing, to just go driving right now, with music up loud and the windows down and singing at the top of our lungs??
I wish I lived in the city again, like SLC, GOD I miss SLC, it was SO GREAT. I could just leave the house and go ANYWHERE. Do you have any idea how great that was!? Ohmygosh!! SO much to do, and see. I wish I had gotten to go to summa those restauraunts. I wanted to see a few concerts but didn't have the transportation, boo! Same with the shopping. So many cool places I couldn't buy anything at because "you can't spend the food money," well boo hoo to you too, baby. I'll just buy fancy food then. <3 Gotta enjoy life somehow!

See, he calls this a "manic episode" and he's just overreacting. I LOVE LIFE.
He's complaining about those spiritual websites but don't they say "be spontaneous?" "Live your joy?" "Stop planning and live in the moment??" Well guess what I'M doing, mister grumpy pants? You just stare at a computer all day and listen to sad music but I'M DANCING!! And I'd hop on a plane right now but I don't wanna sit for six hours haha. Wish I had a girlfriend, we'd TOTALLY make out to this music right now. Gotta find one so we can hang out together and go to parties and have fun. Maybe drink a little. Not a lot, I think we got sick last time! But it'll make this sorry guy lossen up a little, hahaha!

Hm well I gotta reblog more stuff to Tumblr because I don't think I'm allowed to leave this house at 1:15 in the morning, MAJOR bummer. This the best time of the day!! Geepers!! No one knows how to have fun. No one but me that is~ ;D

Maybe I'll get my own journal so I can be HAPPY instead of mopey like this guy all the time "because he makes the rules," bleh. He makes stupid rules is what he does. "Don't front unless I tell you to." "Don't do anything that's not in the script" yada yada yada!! IT'S NO FUN.

Ooooh, I LIKE this music, I gotta write these bands down! Clubfeet then Gold Fields, this is my kinda stuff! Instand summer! WOO!
I wanna drive through the city SO BAD like you don't even KNOW. Ugh. It would be PERFECT. Me and some pretty girl and the radio up high and our hands out the windows and SIIIIGHHHH WHY CAN'T I DO THAT NOW. >:(

Oh well. Gonna enjoy this anyway! No use living life if yo're not having fun!!

Byeeeee! ~<3

 


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@ 04:13 pm

 

 

Please ignore the previous entry.
I'm not going to read it either. I don't want that person in my head again.

Feeling kind of sick. Can't remember eating again. Dissociation makes it tough.

Trying to fix whatever happened with the money yesterday. Hopefully it'll work.

Also giving up computers for a long time now. GIVING UP. I will not touch the internet for a long while, God willing, I don't want this scary stuff anywhere near me anymore. The people on the internet are frightening and sick and corrupted minds and it's not worth trudging through their promiscuity and violence in the hopes of finding something inspiring.

so good bye for now

 



 

0512

May. 12th, 2011 09:54 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 


I HATE endorphins.

Every single time I do anything that sets them off, I want to kill EVERYTHING.

I really, really don't like it when that happens.

I can't even exercise without wanting to eviscerate something. And not exercising is making me seriously ill.

The only exception to the rule is pain. When I'm in pain, that death drive turns inwards, and I then become disturbingly bent on eviscerating myself, so to speak. But no one else is in danger then.

When I get a 'rush' from anything else, I don't 'feel good.' I'm aware of the biological effects they're supposed to be setting off, but the only thing I actually get is that unadulterated violent rage.

Seriously, what is this??

I am so sick of not being able to do ANYTHING without this happening.

I have literally hurt people because of this, you know. Not just me.

I really do not want to put up with this biological idiocy anymore.

The worst part is that, when I read spiritual blogs, EVERYTHING makes sense EXCEPT when they say 'enjoy your body' and all that nonsense.

The single thing keeping me from being unafraid of death is the view some people have of the 'afterlife.'

I don't want to keep this nightmare of a body.

If I die, if I ever manage to become enlightened (which this problem is severely hindering), I DO NOT WANT A PHYSICAL FORM.


You know what, I've had it. I've had it with this nonsense.

I'm going to try and sleep without having a string of panic attacks. Wish me luck.

 

 

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prismaticbleed

June 2025

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