0512

[prismaticbleed]

 

I HATE endorphins.

Every single time I do anything that sets them off, I want to kill EVERYTHING.

I really, really don't like it when that happens.

I can't even exercise without wanting to eviscerate something. And not exercising is making me seriously ill.

The only exception to the rule is pain. When I'm in pain, that death drive turns inwards, and I then become disturbingly bent on eviscerating myself, so to speak. But no one else is in danger then.

When I get a 'rush' from anything else, I don't 'feel good.' I'm aware of the biological effects they're supposed to be setting off, but the only thing I actually get is that unadulterated violent rage.

Seriously, what is this??

I am so sick of not being able to do ANYTHING without this happening.

I have literally hurt people because of this, you know. Not just me.

I really do not want to put up with this biological idiocy anymore.

The worst part is that, when I read spiritual blogs, EVERYTHING makes sense EXCEPT when they say 'enjoy your body' and all that nonsense.

The single thing keeping me from being unafraid of death is the view some people have of the 'afterlife.'

I don't want to keep this nightmare of a body.

If I die, if I ever manage to become enlightened (which this problem is severely hindering), I DO NOT WANT A PHYSICAL FORM.


You know what, I've had it. I've had it with this nonsense.

I'm going to try and sleep without having a string of panic attacks. Wish me luck.