"What began in the Immaculate Conception, runs without a fault or break straight to the Blessed Sacrament. The one mystery answers to the other; the one illuminates the other; the one completes and consummates the other. The Blood that is in the Chalice is from the living Heart of Jesus. It was shed in the Passion before it was shed in the Chalice. It had lived long in His Sacred Heart before He shed it; and He took it at the first, with His spotless Flesh, from the Immaculate Heart of Mary; and that it was sinless and stainless there was from the Immaculate Conception. And so at one end of the avenue is Mary’s sinless flesh, prepared for her as for the Mother of God, and at the other end the sinful flesh of man made immortal and incorruptible by the Flesh of Jesus, Mary’s Son, and the sinful soul of man bathed to a glorious purity in the Blood of Jesus, Mary’s Son, through the mystery of His sweet Sacrament of love; and the light that lies ahead, the light we are all approaching, and have not yet attained, the glow and splendour of our heavenly home, it is by the same sweet Sacrament that we shall attain it, and make it ours at last. So at every mass, and in each communion we look up to the Immaculate Conception. The light of that far-reaching mystery is in our faces on the altar-step. It beams direct upon us, and so full is it of the same light as the Blessed Sacrament that we seem almost to hear our Mother’s voice from that distant fountain, “Eat, O friends, and drink, and be inebriated, my dearly beloved.”" -(Fr. Faber)
God created Mary without sin– the Immaculate Conception who would immaculately conceive His Only Son in turn… His pure body was formed within hers, His Body and Blood gaining their very Substance from hers. When Christ died upon the Cross, He then mysteriously and wonderfully imitated His Mother in that He now gives US His Body and Blood, so that we might be born anew in Him, purified by His redemptive Sacrifice… but from that same Cross He also gives us His Mother, so that she may also “conceive” us, through her Son, as new holy children– His Flesh and Blood now flowing back to her in a sense, to be born again through Him, through her. It’s amazing. Heaven came to earth in Jesus, by Mary’s ‘Fiat,’ and we can taste that same firstfruits of promise in the Most Holy Eucharist, wherein we tangibly and really participate in the mystery of not only Jesus’s death, but also– paradoxically and beautifully– His birth. And Mary was inextricably present as participant in both, in the joy of His coming and the “birth pangs” of His Passion and Death, before His Resurrection– the new “birth” He promises to all who unite themselves in love to Him in this total sacred cycle. And Mary is the one standing at the threshold of it all, the one who opens the gate, the one who joyfully declares “May it be done to me according to your word”… Indeed, by God’s Word Himself. And so it must be with us, to enter into the life of God with her, the New Eve, the Mother of Mankind as it is reborn in her Son… Mary, the Immaculate Conception.
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“I question whether the defenses of the gospel are not sheer impertinences. The gospel does not need defending. If Jesus Christ is not alive and cannot fight His own battles, then Christianity is in a bad state. But He is alive, and we have only to preach His gospel in all its naked simplicity, and the power that goes with it will be the evidence of its divinity.” - Charles Spurgeon
I personally think we should defend its honor and truth, for the sake of living the integrity of our faith, instead of being complacent in the face of blasphemy– but indeed, the Gospel is true and real and honorable no matter what we do or don’t do. We don’t need to “prove” anything. The real issue is not personal power, but personal fidelity. The last line of this quote sums that up wonderfully.
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"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness." (Psalm 115:1)
This is such a core confession of Christianity, but I don’t think we fully grasp just how universal this praise must be.
Yes, let your prayers and hymns and good deeds glorify God. But let everything else do so, too. And I mean everything.
Are you at work? Glorify God through it. Are you reading a book? Glorify God through it. Are you shopping for groceries? Glorify God through it. Are you painting a picture, dressing a child, balancing your checkbook, driving a car, playing a video game, washing your hair, dusting the furniture, exercising at the gym, watching television, telling a story, planting a garden, changing a tire, eating breakfast, or doing any other little blessedly mundane thing of life? Glorify God through it. I’m serious. God is already in ALL the times and places and things of our existence– therefore it is our lovingly faithful duty to actively acknowledge and praise and glorify Him within those moments, without fail, without exception.
In everything we do, all glory be to God.
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"What you see may seem small compared to what God promised you, it’s easy to dismiss it and think it’s nothing. But God can take a small cloud and bring a big blessing. He can take what looks insignificant and cause it to turn into something amazing."
The essence of this– trust in God– is good and true, but quotes such as this bother my spirit with their consistent focus on more, on big, on amazing… words which I fear are are being used in human terms here. And the very notion of “dismissing” ANY gift from God, let alone because it doesn’t meet our expectations, is frankly deplorable.
God promises us Himself. That is big and amazing enough, and infinitely more than we could ever even dream. But as for the temporal things of this life, the “smaller” manifestations of this ultimate blessing, we need to stop looking for “something more.” That has the scent of greed and entitlement and it opposes the Christian spirit of humility, surrender, gratitude and radical trust.
Consider the alternative: God purposely sent you that “small cloud.” It’s “amazing” just as it is because He sent it. It might “appear” drab, plain, unexciting, or otherwise uninteresting, but that doesn’t matter. It’s His will.
And hey– maybe God will send you a bigger cloud, something amazing and significant for sure– a huge terrific thunderhead, black with rain and lightning and wind to turn your life upside down. You should still get on your knees and thank Him, because both the blue skies and blustery storms come from His Hand and serve His Purposes. For all you know, that awful disaster could– or did– bring unfathomable blessings, that you might never even see. But God does. Trust in that. And above all, trust Him, who is making Himself evident within that cloud, thereby giving you the greatest gift of all, no matter what the circumstances may seem to suggest.
Stop judging, dismissing, weighing, and critiquing God’s working in your life. Start accepting everything He gives with humble gratitude, complete trust and resignation to His Will, and total cooperation. Seek Him, desire Him, and love Him above all else, and you won’t need to keep “looking for blessings”– you’ll realize that in Him, you already have everything you could ever need.
“The fault this body has is that the more comfort we try to give it the more needs it discovers. It’s amazing how much comfort it wants.” -St. Teresa of Avila
I am reminded of this daily, often to startling extents. The flesh cannot ever be satisfied or consoled. Trying to do so is utterly useless.
Instead, strive to comfort your soul, through Christ. Satisfy your heart with Him; console your mind with Him. He will meet and exceed every spiritual yearning you have.
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“Anyone God uses significantly is always deeply wounded.”
— Brennan Manning, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God
Then may God wound me ever deeper, so that I may serve Him all the more wholeheartedly. I surrender to Your Cross.
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“You aren’t as bad as you think you are, you’re worse. And God doesn’t love you as much as you think he does, he loves you more.“”
I could meditate on this for hours… but honestly it’s a daily, lifetime reflection. It’s profound in humility, contrition, gratitude, discipline, comfort, awe, and love.
We are sinners and we are deplorable. But God, through Christ, loves us so much that while we were still sinners, He died for us, so that we can be forgiven and justified, therefore becoming able to live with Him in love for eternity. That’s unfathomable. That’s true. And that’s something we must remember always.
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“…the greatest thing each person can do is to give himself to God utterly and unconditionally - weaknesses, fears, and all.” Soren Kierkegaard
We must give our most ugly, painful, raw, wounded places to God, else they will never be healed or soothed or corrected. Hiding them in shame only prolongs our sinful suffering.
Give your ALL to God! Surrender in weeping joy. He is all you need. He is peace and life and hope. When you give every moment and every atom to Him, over and over, then everything in your life will be put into the right place, by your obedience to His Will.
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“The Jesus Prayer is not a method. Properly, it is a relationship, something personal, emotional. If one treats it as a method, intellectually, then you are missing the whole point, the main point of it, which is a slowly developing relationship with the person of Jesus.”
~Archimandrite George of Grigoriou
The Jesus Prayer is spoken directly to Christ. It is the beginning of an ever-deepening conversation with Him, a humble and wholehearted cry for mercy, doors thrown achingly open to Love. If you pray thus without love, without ardent attention to the Beloved, without personal sincerity and honesty, then it is not a prayer at all in truth. You must pour your entire being into it– you must offer your entire self to Him.
“God is love, and therefore the preaching of His word must always proceed from love. Then both preacher and listener will profit. But if you do nothing but condemn, the soul of the people will not heed you, and no good will come of it.”
~taken from the book Saint Silouan the Athonite, by Archimandrite Sophronius Sakharov
Correction is good and has its proper place– it must work upon the foundation of humility and love. Condemnation of sin, although just, will only feel like violence, if it is spoken without mercy. It is not our place to pass judgment– that is Christ’s power alone. We are called to forgive, to instruct, and above all, to bring souls to Christ… including our own. If preacher and listener both intend to reach heaven, they must so act as striving saints together now!
If you speak, do so with love. If you are silent, do so with love. And in all things, act for the love and glory of God!
"When you persist in prayer, you receive what you need, you receive what you do not have, and you receive all that is necessary to be a blessing to those that are in your household."
That bit about becoming a blessing to one's household-- I desperately need that. Lord, please help me persist in prayer always, so that I may never be a disgrace or dishonor to my family or to Your most Holy Name!!
"The appropriate word you left unsaid; the joke you didn't tell; the cheerful smile for those who bother you; that silence when you're unjustly accused; your kind conversation with people you find boring and tactless; the daily effort to overlook one irritating detail or another in those who live with you... this, with perseverance, is indeed solid interior mortification." - Saint Josemaria Escriva
Mortification is a vital exercise of faith that we need to practice constantly. It is anchored in humility and love, in patience and mercy, and it brings us ever closer to Christ both in imitation and intimacy.
I find it quite impossible, reading the New Testament on the one hand and the newspaper on the other, to suppose that there will be no ultimate condemnation, no final loss, no human being to whom, as C.S. Lewis puts it, God will eventually say, “Thy will be done.” I wish it were otherwise, but one cannot forever whistle “There’s a wideness in God’s mercy” in the darkness of Hiroshima, of Auschwitz, of the murder of children and the careless greed that enslaves millions with debts not their own. Humankind cannot, alas, bear very much reality, and the massive denial of reality by the cheap and cheerful universalism of Western liberalism has a lot to answer for.
~N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 180.
Mercy requires repentance. You cannot show mercy where one denies the undeserving need of it in the first place.
Sin will be punished with strict justice wherever it is found. The only hope of expunging its stain is the Blood of Christ. And we cannot receive that without genuine faith in Him.
Those who commit such atrocities with a sense of pride, self-righteousness, and/or “a good reason”… there will be an ultimate condemnation. God’s Will will be done. This is reality.
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“Sin, we note, is not the breaking of arbitrary rules; rather, the rules are the thumbnail sketches of different types of dehumanizing behavior.”
— N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 180.
YES. The letter of the Law is only a summary of its Spirit.
You cannot keep the letter and yet deny the essence, nor can you claim to be respecting its heart while breaking its word.
Sin will always exalt its own ideas, motives, and goals. If you find yourself trying to exalt yourself above another in your behavior, in letter or in spirit… you’re sinning.
There are limitless sins, and they are everywhere. Our only refuge is to live in an unflinchingly humble love of God. When our sole idea, goal, and motive is love and respect for Him… then sin cannot topple us, however it may rage.
“But judgment is necessary–unless we were to conclude, absurdly, that nothing much is wrong or, blasphemously, that God doesn’t mind very much.”
— N.T. Wright, Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, 179.
Judgment is discernment. It is not proud self-exaltation. To judge something as right or wrong is necessary to live well; to be able to discern what will or won’t glorify God is essential to choose rightly. The heart of it is simple– love of God above all, even at our own expense– but the practice of it, made difficult by our weakness and temptation and sinful inclinations, requires that we have a healthy sense of judgment, and the graceful gravity to obey those Spirit-given conclusions.
A lot is wrong, and God minds very much. Hence the Cross. Hence the entire plan of salvation.
Christ is our Just Judge. Follow His instructions, and judge well!
“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls and will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with sighing–for that would be harmful for you.” (Hebrews 13:17)
I have been shamefully guilty of causing such sighing, and I will admit it is because I am often afraid of correction– afraid because my sinful nature is so strong, and I am so guilty.
To obey and submit will bring me great joy and peace, as well as to those in authority over me for the good of my soul. To see exasperation in those individuals indicates that I am being stubborn and proud– resisting the yoke of humility, and thus putting my soul in great danger. That would cause great sighs of concern, worry, and frustration in any person who cared about my highest good!!
“Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.” (Hebrews 13:16)
The word “sacrifices” here is so important. Do good, be kind, share and give and bless, even when to do so would be difficult, frustrating, or inconvenient– indeed, especially then.
It is in the face of spiritual adversity that virtues grow the most strongly. We will be tested, so surrender to the Spirit and pray for the grace to do what honors God with loving joy.
“People who persevere in error are so far away from acknowledging their sin that they even defend it as the height of righteousness. Therefore it is impossible for them to be forgiven.”
— Martin Luther, “Lectures on Galatians” in Luther’s Works, vol. 27, 33.
I also want to add that this disturbing modern attitude of treating sin and sinfulness as funny, trendy, or even desirable, is exactly what this quote warns against, even though the “sin” is being acknowledged… the horror is that the sin is being redefined as righteousness while still calling it a sin.
There are individuals who will admit, with a proud smile, “oh I absolutely have sinned! I know I am a sinner! But there’s nothing wrong with sin!” Ironically, this carefree embracing of one’s sinful nature is the deepest rejection of it. It is a rejection of Christian morality, an attempt to justify and absolve oneself, by denying the very possibility that one even needs justification and absolution. If you lie, but say “it’s okay though!” and explain why, you are entirely deluded. If you steal, but say “I had a good reason though!” you have completely missed the point. If you entertain thoughts of violence and hatred and revenge, claiming it’s “fine” if you don’t act on them, you are mistaken. If you celebrate lust and promiscuity and shamelessness, declaring that they are “natural feelings” to be “proud of,” you are devastatingly lost. Sin is sin. Sin is ALWAYS wrong, we cannot alter that, we cannot cut corners or make excuses, and our very inclination to is blatant proof of just how weak we are and how powerful temptation is. We NEED a Savior to deliver us from our own corrupt nature– another truth the sin-celebrators will refuse utterly. They don’t want to admit guilt, helplessness, or shame. They are afraid. But defending and denying their crimes instead, out of fear of judgment, is just worsening the problem… because it bars them from being contrite, and therefore being forgiven. Pride and humility cannot coexist.
So be brutally honest with your examination of conscience. Are you insisting your sin was righteous in some area? Are you making excuses or allowances for a behavior that you know deep down was wrong? Lay it all down before Christ! Admit your weakness, admit your fear, admit your shame and guilt and regret. It is only when you have been so crushed and humbled that the chains of sin can be broken along with your heart. Christ can and will forgive even your most terrifying sin… if you have wept over it, and if you give it to him raw– no sugarcoating, no gilding, no smoothing over.
Acknowledge your sins, acknowledge your error, admit that you are not righteous, admit that you need forgiveness. Only from this sincerely lowly position can we be healed and brought to the heights of heaven. If you try to grab heaven on your own, you’ll catch nothing but delusions. It’s God’s Way, or no way at all.
“God did not choose perfect people to form his church, but rather sinners who have experienced his love and forgiveness.”
No one is perfect; only God is perfect. If we think of ourselves as such, we will be unable to see or receive Him.
We are all sinners, and when we confess this and turn to God in contrite humility, He will help and heal us, and this foundation of Christ’s endless love for us unworthy yet penitent souls is a great beauty of the Church.
He is severely mentally ill; he has drug-induced paranoid schizophrenia and his symptoms have worsened to the point where he has become a legitimate danger to the family. As of yesterday he became so threatening and chaotic that I had to 302 him, and as of this morning he is being admitted to a psychiatric hospital 4 hours away.
Although he absolutely cannot return home as he is– he desperately needs intensive care– my heart breaks for his condition and the fact that he is probably scared and angry and confused. Either way, he’s my brother, I love him, and I want to see him regain mental stability so we can be a functional family again. Please pray for his safety and thorough recovery!
She has been coughing up blood clots since August, and she just got her CT Scan results about it today– there is a tumor the size of a golf ball in her right lung. She has pre-OP testing tomorrow morning and a biopsy on Monday.
Please, pray that this is benign, and that she makes a full and fast recovery– even if that requires a miracle. I love her so much.
Night Fever in Sacramento last night. Each candle is from a random stranger that went inside the beautiful cathedral to light a candle from our street teams.
This is so gorgeous it aches. I swear the inside of my heart looks just like this, smells just like candle fire and smoky warmth and night air and incense. Most striking to me here is the fact that every tiny light here was lit by a stranger, by a single soul’s gift, a crowd of compassion uniting them all beyond space and time by the simple profound power of the echoing light of God in their hearts that moved them to contribute such a spark.
And above it all, above word-made-flesh and within-it-all-sweetness, gold-on-red sings the words of transmutative incarnation beloved–
“If love is going to be done differently I will have to do it. I don’t mean as a messiah-thing, I mean as a me-thing. I want to look into your eyes and not get blown up. I want you to see me as I am and not destroy me. I don’t want to retreat into plant life, or have the same bad dream every night. I don’t want to watch a city burn because I was there.”
— ‘The Agony of Intimacy,’ Jeanette Winterson
I have a lot to say about this but it won’t fit in a reblog. I’ll post it separately.
Just… this is a knife to the chest. A red-hot, tear-marred knife plunged right into my heart, buried to the hilt.
Poetry hits the hardest, always.
Dear God, there is too much old trauma staring me in the face with this; how can I truly let go? How can I honestly heal? How can I move on properly?
I’m so terrified to love anything now because I remember that burning city. I remember the blood and fire, the despair, the death… but I also must remember the impossibly bright hope that bloomed in the ashes of its terror, like lilies flourishing in the forgiving snow, pure and holy despite all that came before.
Love has to be done differently, now. What I once labeled as love was not love. The southern bedrooms were not love. The cold floors and cramped closets were not love. The burning attics and locked bathrooms and rotting forests were not love. And I have to do it differently now. No running water, no string lights, no computer screens, no closed doors, no parroted phrases, no annihilation of self. No hell masquerading as heaven. No messiah complexes. No moral relativism. No compromises. No exceptions.
I want to be able to love as my own person.
But what does that even mean?
I feel so filthy, so dirty, so wrong and evil and twisted corrupted broken, like something that would maim and poison you if you touched it, that I am too ashamed to pray, I am too disgusted to try. I want to love but it feels ugly coming from me. I want to be loving but it feels abusive and fake coming from me. What does real love look like, apart from you? Can it even exist in me? Right now I doubt it, and I weep with miserable despair over it. You deserve all the love I could ever hope to feel or give, and infinitely more. But if I’m the one giving it, it’s ruined. It becomes empty, false, fake. I don’t think I can feel love without doing it wrong somehow. And that terrifies me to the point where I just… shut off my heart. I become numb and hollow and empty so that at least there’s no toxic garbage getting anywhere near you, or anyone else.
I want to be able to look into your eyes without wanting to gouge my own out, tearful and enraged at my unworthiness and sin, afraid that it’s all clear as day in my gaze, turning even a glance from me into a garish revelation of degeneracy and scandal. How could I lie enough to look at you– you, with your heartwrenching eyes of spotless love and honest compassion!– how could I meet those eyes with my own, knowing how monstrous I am in comparison? The gall of the very thought is choking. I cannot look at you without wanting to die– without desperately wishing I could self-destruct, to relieve the world of my sinful existence in a conflagration of cleansing fire, to leave it safe with you, who would never have to risk your achingly beautiful eyes in looking upon my walking corpse ever again.
How could anyone see what I am and not instinctively want to crush me underfoot like a venomous snake? Things like me invoke an innate revulsion, a knee-jerk survival response of protective violence, lashing out to snap my neck or spine, to destroy the object of horror before them. Even you, I’m sure, even you would want to see me gone if you knew what a danger I was to mankind, to you, to the health and safety of all good hearts. I’m something that should be stepped on until it snaps. I know this better than anyone, and it wrecks me utterly.
I’m tired of hiding in the mangled woods like a wild animal. I’m tired of the unending trauma nightmares and flashbacks and blackouts. I don’t want any more God-forsaken cities to burn down to the splinters because I was there.
Intimacy is only agonizing because it includes me.
all right I NEED to kick this eating disorder straight in the neck BUT it is LOUD AND INSISTENT and honestly I'm weak, I'm a sinner, God needs to do the work, but I need to open the door.
so here we go.
here are the current addictions:
soymilk = WARM WHITE(wants to be heated!!) white chocolate = WARM WHITE eggs = WHITE / AMBER oats = BEIGE mushrooms = BEIGE lentils = BEIGE tomatoes = RED carrots = ORANGE peas? = SOFT GREEN cilantro = GREEN seaweed = DARK GREEN
and that's it.
it doesn't seem like much. but it is. it really is.
first off, why the eggs? why the sudden addiction to putting vegetables in them? it's a mindset of "mom does it this way so I HAVE to do it this way"; the combination of white, green, beige, and red together feels mandatory somehow. but even plain eggs feel "compulsory", done with the oil so they get huge and fluffy. why. god, please. I need to figure this out.
the lentils are new. actually, it started as yellow peas, which I cooked on sunday I think? and the body suddenly latched onto the taste. it doesn't like beans, but it craves them, however whatever is in beans that we hate is NOT in peas & lentils. they are entirely liked. so it's clinging to them currently.
similarly, our brain keeps thinking of "potatoes" but is readily abandoning them for lentils. which in a way is good, as potatoes are awful to swallow and purge, but that proves that it's the starchy-smooth texture that it's looking for. but the lentils and peas have the protein kick to them that potatoes lack, and which it also wants.
also, my body is inexplicably seeking the mushrooms. when heated in oil a bit, the taste is addictive? somehow? I think it's triggering childhood memories but I can't be sure.the mushroom soup absolutely is. add a bit of butter and bread and I almost want to cry from the feelings of childhood. but the milk still makes me so sick, and is borderline traumatic even to taste. so it's mentally jarring to get the two at once.
the cilantro is what I allegedly used to live on before NC. I also ate a ton of it out there. but I'm orally allergic to it I think? it makes my nose itch, and it messes up my bowels? it's super fibrous, so it keeps the cucumbers from flushing out my system. but my body is craving the super-fresh green taste of it. like eating the essence of plants. like shoving handfuls of summer grass in my mouth, wanting to internalize the cleanness of it, the vitality of the color. it's really psychological, I think.
I'm not sure if the seaweed is the same.
the soymilk is old, but new. I think I used to eat it a lot in high school, and I know they gave me so much of it at both upmc and haven. so it felt "obligatory." at least it's cutting out the oil+sugar hell addiction that the oats used to have. with the soymilk, there's no interest in the former. thank god.
the carrots are the ultimate purge-base food. sadly. weirdly, I don’t like how they taste cooked in oleo, but I keep making them that way? why?
and the cheese. WHY. why in the world does this body keep looking for cheese? is it upmc kickback, where iscah allegedly loved it? …honestly, checking old UPMC data, and seeing "mac & cheese with stewed tomatoes" and suddenly I'm craving that, this has all GOT to be emotional desperation. "I was happy then, I was good, maybe if I eat that, I'll feel like that again!" but dude… why. like think about it. eating macaroni and cheese is NOW A NC TRIGGER. remember that. so avoid it. as for grilled cheese, that's absolutely a upmc "happiness" tie. but at home, what good will that do? eating it now isn't getting you "good girl" points. it's just making you sick, from the glue-sticky cheese, the clogging-dense bread, and the oily-sick butter. and yet, our body still "wants" it. is that a childhood feeling? what does it want? ACTUALLY. hold up. I was thinking about this the other day. old upmc writings describing it keep using the words "golden" and "warm" and "orange" and "yellow" and "buttery" and this is ABSOLUTELY A COLOR THING. that and the lentils; it HAS to be.
so. thought one. body is craving colors. as usual. it is ALWAYS craving green, hence the cilantro, but suddenly it's after the warm hues? like the cheese, the carrots, the butter spread… but NOT the summer yellows of squash and such. NOPE. it wants AMBER TONES. and oranges, absolutely-- hence the sudden inexplicable craving for orange vitamin water as well, and the seeking of things like acorn squashes and sweet potatoes even if I can't stand sweet potatoes. it literally wants to eat the COLOR. and it also wants browns? like beigey browns. hence the oats, but NOT chocolate, or dark bread, or anything. no. and perhaps the potato skins. it's looking for soft browns, and amber-glows. WHY. I know it's not a cold offset, otherwise we still wouldn't be craving peppermint and cucumbers even more. but… it has to be a desperate grab at comfort. it's looking for an emotional, psychological warmth that I seem to be lacking lately, I think. where else can I get that. what can make me feel that, without forcing it through food-color association?
OH YEAH AND NO ONE HAS MENTIONED THE FACT THAT, STILL, MY MENTAL IMAGE OF MYSELF AS "FEMALE" IS SYNONYMOUS WITH SELF-ABUSE. IF I THINK OF MYSELF AS "MALE,” I IMMEDIATELY STOP ABUSING MYSELF. and I know for a fact that this is DIRECTLY fueling the eating disorder. "jay would never overeat," my brain says. and he wouldn't. but he WOULD annihilate his sense of self in terms of sexuality, hence north carolina, where he died because he let oliver do whatever he wanted to him and ultimately it ended up making him realize that he never wanted to be like this at all but his function had become so thoroughly corrupted that he absolutely self-destructed. so it's like… pick your poison. pick the trauma you want to kill you. if you're a girl, it's food. if you're a boy, it's sex. where did this come from?
originally, it was the GIRLS that were horrifically sexually abused, by the original Julie. but maybe that's why they have the eating disorder. girls like me desensitize this body and brain with binge-eating, so that we don't remember the sexual trauma? whereas the boys DON'T have trauma tied to sexuality in that way, so they just desensitize themselves with "intimacy," using it like booze practically, getting drunk on romance and flirting and everything. north carolina in a nutshell. they don't eat at all. but they cannot exist apart from another person. the boys exist in order to please people, it seems. weirdly. the boys exist to be toys. they're sweet and kind and beautiful and loving and gentle but they cannot exist in the real world and they will all ultimately fail to survive outside of a bedroom. it's heartbreaking. whereas the girls cannot exist in bedrooms, only kitchens, and although they, too, exist to please others, it's in the sense of work and chores and service. they spend their time cooking and cleaning and eating BUT the girls are suffocating beneath self-loathing? I have realized, with great horror, that as a "girl" I find it almost impossible to be genuinely caring and loving and affectionate and gentle with people. like I don't know how to be in love. I can't, maybe, with this current mindset. HOWEVER, lately I've been feeling maternal emotions for the first time in my LIFE. like, I cannot be in love, but maybe I could feel love by serving others? by being a housewife? by cooking and cleaning and doing chores, again. and yet I honestly don't know if I've felt any emotion behind it. it's heartbreaking and disturbing. I can see the clear differentiations between male and female roles in this mental system. and I can see how lethal it is. if I, as a girl, am forbidden from feeling love because it got tied to trauma, meaning that if I want to be loving I have to be a boy, then it's NO WONDER I was previously so desperate to be "transgender"-- I erroneously thought that was the ONLY WAY I COULD BECOME A GOOD PERSON. and now that I've realized I'm not a boy, I'm just mentally ill, and am happily living as the girl I am… I've realized also, with existential terror, that I cannot be as good as I was as a boy. what in the world do I do about this.
but it's a huge door of hope, somehow. it's possible to heal if I untangle this. if I think of myself as a boy, IMMEDIATELY my wants and focuses and obsessions shift to typing, to listening to music, to talking in headspace, to playing games, to dreaming, to writing, to drawing, to internal things. to snow and christmas lights and hours worth of introspection and love, so much love it's like a bottle of champagne dumped into your heart. and if I think of myself as a boy, the very thought of going to walmart in the morning and buying more lentils and cilantro and stuff is reprehensible. as a boy I DON'T WANT HEAVY FOODS. like I think jay could only eat light green foods and up, cool colors only. but the instant I think of myself as female, I feel filthy. somehow. but it's true. I feel dirty and heavy and sad and ashamed and I want to go to walmart and binge on mushrooms and oats and eggs with tomatoes because something about the vibe of those things is what I need? to bury what I'm feeling? what is it? the real part of me, somehow STILL a girl, wants the cucumbers and lettuce and cilantro, to feel clean and happy and fresh and new and good, but that part of me also wants to eat like thirteen buckets full of vegetables. it's desperate. it's like drinking the ocean and still being thirsty.
…and it's the biggest sign of both hope and shame, to admit that typing that sentence sent a shot through my heart.
I'll talk about that later. but today, "chaos zero" showed up when the sext bells went off for divine office and he insisted we pray that hour together, immediately, and we did. and it was so synchronistic. and the whole time I could barely concentrate because I kept thinking about food. and I felt my internal self weeping and wanting to become a boy so that I could IMMEDIATELY STOP EATING and just go pray for hours. except the boys didn't pray. their obsession with romance somehow also led to a pagan sort of self-idolatry and moral relativism and "good feelings are all that matter" and so they didn't pray and weep like the girls do. that's the other bizarre and heartbreaking split. the girls, girls like me, can cry. I can feel remorse and regret and sorrow and anger; I can go to confession and beg God to forgive me, I can admit how sinful and horrible and weak and disgusting I am, and I can be so sorry for it I could die. I can self-abuse if I get the guts, if I get red enough. the boys can't do any of that. the boys are all fluff and sparkles and soft pillows and snowflakes and angel food cake and fairy lights. they're all so sweet it ultimately kills them. the boys cannot feel anger or sorrow or remorse or it DOES kill them. they turn plagued, they calcify and die. but the girls DON'T GET THE PLAGUE. ever. the girls get the tar.
holy crap. how did I never notice THAT before.
so. tomorrow. what do I do? do I get all these foods, once more, and try them? do I see what happens? maybe. the more I learn, I have to test this. BUT I'm so disturbed by how BADLY the girls WANT the food. like I personally don't. but… I must still be multiple. the realization is bittersweet, but it's backed by BLAZING hope, like the nativity star itself. (CHRISTMAS ;____; I CAN'T WAIT) there's a dirty-haired, weeping, rumpled-clothes, fumbling self-hating sorrowful angry confused lost scared girl part of me, the one that still looks like my reflection, who wants to eat so badly and yet she HATES it? like, she still wants to eat those lentils, but… oh geez this is an alter situation. it has to be. let me feel this out.
WHO WANTS WHAT.
lentils = that sad brown girl. the warm heavy soft-protein texture of the lentils really comforts her somehow, as does their color. they are the epitome of comforting brown. like that's REALLY important. so I must get those tomorrow. "two of each," she says, sounding like a drug addict, desperate and scared and sad and a nervous wreck. seeking that fix just to feel safe. "not the soup, that… get one soup, actually," she adds, touching the memory, remembering the lentils at the bottom of the can. "just one." self-loathing spiking at the word "can," the thought of eating canned food filling her with a sense of filth that fuels the self-abusive binge drive even more, to numb it all, to lose herself in despairing to that ugly feeling, that hopeless judgment. "one can of soup." hatred at the word soup.
someone else, younger, suddenly LEAPING into utter blissful sparkling joy at the mention of SNOW on the radio, for thursday. "I hope she gets it," the dirty brown girl adds, genuinely, tears falling from her eyes. that love of others, without feeling it in herself. "I really hope she gets it. I hope it makes her happier than she can ever describe." and that weird warm glow of wanting her to be happy, that love of another, while still feeling utterly unworthy of love and ugly and wrong and bad herself.
so what about the lentils, I ask, gently. "two cans," she says. "one can of the… the soup." a wince, a tear, despair, surrender to the ugly feeling. I'm the kind of wretched pig that eats soup out of a can, she weeps, the emotion almost intolerable. "two, three cans… three cans of the actual lentils," she says, the word beans being another horrifically triggering thought. "two packages of dried lentils." bags is also awfully triggering, nauseating. tied to trauma in a screaming ammoniac sense. "one, two, and three." she smiles at this. "yeah. that's good." someone else, an OCD feeling, freaking out and demanding four of something. "four cilantro," someone else interjects. and five mushrooms, I think? or no? four mushrooms, split three and one. four cilantro, split three and one. okay, that's good. one soymilk. two oats. one eggs. one oleo. ones are always good, I hear. one carrots? someone cringing at the thought of more carrots. that's new. "yes," I hear. but just the one. how about the white chocolate? no decision on that, surprisingly. someone doesn't want it anymore. immediately I realize it's the word chocolate, which is hated. what about the peppermint truffles, I say. the white peppermint balls. that gets a yes. geez, wow. words are IMPORTANT with this. phrasing makes all the difference. (lots of self-hatred, vitriolic, at speaking this way; it sounds pretentious and asinine)
as for seaweed, what is that rooted to? is it because it's a sea vegetable, or because it's asian food, the latter of which is allegedly tied to our early teenage years? "no," I hear. "that's oliver's motivation and we HATE it. it's stupid." but there's a regret to it-- a regret at a rejection of something they weren't ready to reject yet, due to trauma ties. needing to feel out the "asian" draw before dropping it entirely. wanting to know why it has roots at all before taking them out of the garden, so to speak. "get some," a faceless voice says, greenish. "we'll figure it out realtime."
how about tomatoes. why are we suddenly wanting tomatoes anyway? "it's the red," someone says. "it's red without being traumatic," like tomato sauce, "and that's interesting. we want to figure it out." why. "because we keep resonating with the color and we don't know why. strawberries and cherries too. you know the compulsions. I want to understand this. red is such a dangerous color. I want to know what it feels like clear. so no canned tomatoes, please. that's a cheap way out but it's not what we're looking for. it's too orange and that's feeding the color addiction you mentioned earlier." geez this is complicated. "I know. but we're getting there. we're making progress, more tonight that we have in months. so thank you." genuine. gratitude and joyful warm deep affection. that's new. and thank God. I thought we had forgotten it. "never. not us. we'll never forget how to love. we're built on it." and yet no religious feeling. that murdered us before. we cannot have love without Christ and that NEEDS to be fully integrated, not just through me, but through everyone in the new system. no more selfishness. no more self-idolatry.
the last thing on the list is… soymilk. halfway we don't actually want it at all. both the words "soy" and "milk" are nauseating and frankly the taste kind of is too? sugar in general is. like right now our body does NOT want sugar at all, not even the white peppermint balls. (it wants CHRISTMAS, not candy!)
do we want to get peas? no, that's triggering? the word is, and so is the taste, somehow? it's giving me shivers.
I'm also getting brain burnout. I don't know how much longer I can type tonight. it's 8:20.
get what we need. figure it out. let it go.
good night ♥
detached from anyone that sentiment is genuine and pure and loving but it's too selfish somehow.
St. Paisios the Athonite says: “Christ must be the core of every human movement!”
And if our core is not in Christ, then it will in the world. Do not endanger your soul so!
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When you are praying alone, and your spirit is dejected, and you are wearied and oppressed by your loneliness, remember then, as always, that God the Trinity looks upon you with eyes brighter than the sun; also all the angels, your own Guardian Angel, and all the Saints of God. Truly they do; for they are all one in God, and where God is, there are they also. Where the sun is, thither also are directed all its rays. Try to understand what this means.
St. John of Kronstadt
…Honestly, my heart yearns to just reflect on this gorgeously humbling profundity for hours. It’s beyond the capacity of words to express. And yet… try to understand what this means. What a blessedly beautiful prayer that is too. Try. Try anyway, to grasp the ineffable glory of this truth, to touch the tender heart of it– because what is impossible for man is possible for God, and through His Spirit in you, and through the love of His Son, you are even less alone than you realize… you are bathed in light even in your deepest night.
Catholics don't worship Mary because Mary is not a goddess; she does not have any creative power or omniscience and/or omnipotence or anything of the sort. the important thing about Mary is that God created through her! Christ could have come in Great Power and glory and manifested himself as some wonderful thing and had people believe in Him because of that... but He wanted to be born in the most humble manner possible. He wanted to be born as a baby and to grow up as a human being with all of the struggles and pains and difficulties that involved. THIS is why people find it hard to believe in Him I guess. but this is important because it shows that Mary did not create Him. God created HER, but when Gabriel came to visit her he basically said you will conceive BY the Holy Spirit! but NO woman creates the soul of her child; her body is able to form a body, but how? by eating things that God gave her! by her body working in the way God made it to work! GOD is the One Who creates everything. and basically Mary was the doorway. she was the means BY which Jesus Christ entered the world, but she did not create Him. her body created His body, again through the grace of God. so when we pray to her she's the mediatrix of all grace-- as she's the door through which Jesus entered the world, so she is STILL a channel through which grace enters our world! and so we only pray to her. we're not saying "Hey, create this, do this, do that"-- she is simply a doorway through which GOD continues to work! she is the most powerful intercessor on our behalf because of this. so we're not asking her to do what God does! we're just asking her to continue to be this great mediatrix between God and man.
“St. Matthias: Apostle by chance; disciple by choice; saint by grace.”
I love how this highlights the three key elements of following Christ– He calls us seemingly by “chance,” against all odds, from the darkest depths, in defiance of despair and degradation… but it is our choice to follow that call, using our free will to strive to imitate Him, and in making that choice we are given the Grace to amend our lives and be reborn as Children of God.
We are chosen by God, we in turn choose to cooperate, and then we are carried further up by Him than we ever could alone. It’s a beautiful process, even with its crosses– perhaps especially with.
But it takes all three steps. It takes the Trinity, and we are profoundly blessed to be part of their plan of redemption. We just have to respond with our whole heart… and They will help us.
“A true opium of the people is a belief in nothingness after death - the huge solace of thinking that for our betrayals, greed, cowardice, murders we are not going to be judged.”
— Czeslaw Milosz
This false “solace” is no real comfort at all, especially not to any heart dedicated to both justice and mercy.
To hold such a selfish belief– to think, “I can commit any so-called ‘sin’ that I want; there’s no hell, I can get away with it! I’m living for me, doing what I want to be happy, and that’s all that matters.”– is to utterly and abominably reject the very humanity of your fellow man. To betray, to cheat, to harm, to offend another soul in any way “for your own good” and not to think of THEIR good… this is a demonic mindset. Worse still is to think that you can get away with it, that it can all be hand-waved away as “oh, I was just doing my best!” or “well it’s their fault if they were offended” or “what’s wrong for you is right for me” or some similar self-worshipping blasphemy.
I assure you, Satan laughs at such phrases as he stokes the fires of hell, ready to roast those people… unless they repent and turn to Christ, of course. But such a metanoia requires divine intervention. No self-righteousness will ever save anyone. And that is the key sin of this thought process: the totally false belief that after death, there’s nothing, and therefore, nothing matters. “I can do no wrong because 'wrong’ doesn’t exist,” they claim, but that argument inevitably collapses in on itself– ironically, usually when its believer becomes the receiver of their own cruelty from another. Steal from the thief, and suddenly it’s an intolerable act. But a sin is always a sin, no matter how you may sugarcoat it for yourself.
Truly, there is no solace in nothingness. It’s simply the only thing muting one’s conscience, and that tenuous silence, that buried sense of guilt and shame, is misinterpreted as “peace” by someone whose soul would otherwise be living in constant moral torment. Their “solace” is just a panicked wish that they can avoid looking at the big picture, forever– that they can torch the world around them and never have to so much as smell the smoke. But the fires will catch up to them, no matter how they run. It’s inevitable. For one who lives by the sword, even metaphorically, that same blade will bring their death as well.
There is justice. There is a judgment, there is a moral debt righteously demanded after death, and unless you admit, repent, and are absolved of that sentence now– through Christ alone; you could never pay that much blood back on your own– you will be utterly damned for your self-idolatry.
Hell exists. And if you make other’s lives into it while they’re alive, you’ll end up there for a lot longer once yours is over.
“If Christ isn’t sufficient, if He doesn’t make you valuable, then no one nor no thing ever will.”
Christ Jesus is God. He’s a member of the Holy Trinity itself. He is The Word through which all things were Spoken into Existence. He is our Lord, our Redeemer, our Savior, our Bridegroom, our Good Shepherd, our Brother, and our Friend. Christ is everything.
Therefore, if Christ isn’t sufficient to you, nothing else could ever be.
The good news is: He is. He is sufficient and He does make you valuable– in fact, you are so valuable to Him that He chose to die to pay the crushing debt of sin for you, personally, so that you could live with Him in heaven forever, loved by God Himself.
Whatever lack or loss you’re afraid of, it’s based on earthly suffering, and does not apply to God. Christ cannot betray you. Have faith in His steadfast love. He can and will deliver you if you let Him.
“Turn your eyes incessantly to the Blessed Virgin; she, who is the Mother of Sorrows and also the Mother of Consolation, can understand you completely and help you. Looking to her, praying to her, you will obtain that your tedium will become serenity, your anguish change into hope, and your grief into love. I accompany you with my blessing, which I willingly extend to all those who assist you.”
-Pope St. John Paul II
I don’t think many Catholics fully grasp the depth of this truth– I will admit that I sure didn’t.
Mary raised Christ Jesus from infancy. She carried Him– God incarnate!– in her womb. She adored Him, and loved Him like any good mother loves her child, except her love for The Child was greater and deeper that we can even imagine. His Presence sanctified her, filled her with complete joy, and stayed by her side for thirty-three years straight.
And then she personally watched her Child be tortured and crucified.
The amount of agony in her heart, standing below the Cross, meeting Him on the way to Calvary, seeing His blood spattered upon the soil… it is unfathomable, unbearable. Mary had a literal bond with our Savior that no other soul ever can or will have. She was His mother, tangibly so, and when she held His dead body in her aching arms… oh what a terrible final sword impaled her weeping heart! Mary experienced a Sorrow comparable only to that of Christ Crucified, whose Passion she united herself to, as intimately as He was once united to Her in the womb. She was not divine– she was not, and is not, God– and yet, God Himself shared both His earthly life and death with her, to an extent every saint has yearned to experience in turn.
Reflect on this. Realize the greatness of Mary’s Sorrow, sharing in and indeed flowing from Christ’s Sorrow. She knows more pain, more torment, and more anguish than any soul before or after her could or can ever know– because it was an agony of love, with no sin or fault attached to it whatsoever. Her misery was pure, motivated by love and endured through the same. And it is because of this purity that she can console us, her adopted children through Christ. We were baptized by His Blood, the same Blood she watched staining the wood of the Cross, Blood that He shed freely out of profound love– we, too, have been called to share His suffering, her suffering, in our new lives as Christians. We can only be resurrected to Life if we first die to Death, and when we feebly falter and struggle beneath our own splinters of the Cross, we, too, can meet our Mother on that bloody road, to receive a comfort and hope and understanding that only a Mother can give… that only the Mother of God-made-man can give to the men He calls to ultimately live with God, having become like Him through this sacred suffering and steadfast love.
It’s all so profound, so beautiful– words fail to fully express it. But our hearts know… and Mary’s Immaculate Heart will tell us, tenderly and truthfully, whenever we run to her as our loving Mother… just as the Christ Child did. Believe me– she understands.
One of the things "TBAS" said to me after I moved back home was that I "used to be compassionate/ creative/ etc." and that's been haunting me. Why has that allegedly changed now?
My old journal was very solipsistic. I gave very little thought to God at all-- well, at least after high school-- and I was honestly drowning in mental illness.
But now, I don't type at all. Why? Honestly it's because I just… feel no desire at all to type about myself anymore. I'd rather read the Bible, study it, learn from Scripture instead of babbling about my own personal experiences. What good has that honestly done?
I cleaned out the entire LC folder today. Deleted hundreds of files. And, listening to old audio files… it shocked me. How did I live like that? It's all, quite obviously now, self-worship.
(These are my personal reflections; I claim no authority or accuracy on these matters. I am no teacher; I only wish to share what I pray is spiritually sound insight.)
Abel being named "vanity" was ironic.
Cain was, according to many translations, initially seen as a Christ figure-- as the fulfillment of God's promise of deliverance to Eve, his mother. John Gill notes: "some render [her exclamation], "I have gotten a man, the Lord"; that promised seed that should break the serpents head; by which it would appear, that she took that seed to be a divine person"... So by this perspective, what good was a second male child to her? Abel was seen as useless, extra, vain. Contrasted against Cain's alleged significance, Abel was as insignificant as could be. Thus pride and humility were personified in the two sons.
Furthermore, we see here the unusual but noteworthy rashness of her hope-- a holy feeling damaged by sinful impulse. She wanted forgiveness and restoration so badly, she could not bear any further suffering, any further penance. So her first son became the focal point of all her desperate yearning. He was seen as a Lord himself, as an angel to deliver her, as her treasured possession and her most honored begotten one. Yet he was born in sin. Eve failed to consider the effects of such rashly placed hope in the first human being born without knowledge of prior innocence. Cain was doomed to fail from the beginning. He was no savior-- in truth, he was the anti-type. But Eve clung to hope in him, and in doing so, effectively repeated her damning sin, the first sin, the true seed that birthed Cain: she, in labeling him so, idolized him, and so chose the creature over the Creator yet again. Her hope should have been set in God alone to deliver her in due time, yet her pained impatience pushed her to seek relief elsewhere, in something more immediate, in someone she may have assumed would be more "merciful" to her plea. Surely her own son would not abandon her; surely he would revenge and restore his own mother to the purity she lost and lamented! But God, in His terrible true judgement, showed Cain's true nature in contrast to His Own. Cain sought revenge, yes, but that was never the right of man... and in so doing, brought more sorrow to his race. He destroyed the purity he saw, moved to wrath at its meekness, having never felt it himself, being incapable of understanding it. The child Eve judged to be "vain" was likewise judged as such by his twin, who slew him in envy, seeing him as worthless as opposed to himself. This self-serving pride was an echo of Eve's fallen choice, both seeking to exalt themselves over what God had placed above them, refusing to accept a lower position. Therefore now Cain was "Lord" only to himself... an empty title, having struck the wrong head.
A summary of the infamous crime: Cain murdered Abel when he was "inexplicably" favored above him-- above his elder brother, the honored firstborn, the inheritor, the assumed promised one! Yet Abel did not seek this favor, nor did he flaunt it. He quietly received God's blessing with humble joy. But Cain seethed with rage; he burned with humiliated envy, and in this slighted hatred, he murdered his innocent twin.
Hey there internets. I've been home now for a full year, and I'm honestly happier now than I have ever been. It's been quite a journey. I endured a lot of loss, and disturbances, and upsetting realizations about myself, et cetera, in the past 365 days or so. But, although most of my past has been burned up, taken, or otherwise released, I'm left in the present with very little and a huge sense of joy. Yes, truly. Even though life is still stressful, especially with my poor schizophrenic brother, God bless him... even though life will always have stress in it, I am just... so happy now.
Last year, I returned home after a very disturbing and disorienting year living in North Carolina with an old friend who, unfortunately, I realized that I never actually knew in the first place. (This was a pattern with me.) They had D.I.D., as I did, and as it turned out, my minimal awareness of their life via their online journals was based on the logs of an alter of theirs who no longer existed. And I did not know that. So the person I met upon moving out there was a total stranger, more or less, and whose personal life, morals, interests, obsessions, values, etc. were in stark contrast to mine, to an extent that was honestly caustic and killing me, and yet which I shoved aside and justified for the sake of making them happy, for the sake of "being a good friend." According to what I last heard from them, months ago, I failed miserably at the whole friend thing. This breaks my heart, but upon literally printing the evidence from both our online journals and presenting them to several therapists I have been repeatedly reassured that, like it or not, my friend was a big part of the problem. It wasn't just me. I refused to accept that my friend held any blame, to the point of compulsively murdering my own identity while I lived with them for their sake... because I loved them, and just wanted to be like them, so they would love me. Again, I failed miserably at this. But that's a story for another time. What I want to say here is that, although I deeply regret the time I spent with them, I did learn one huge lesson from it all-- I learned that the person I became for them was NOT who I was, or wanted to be. At all. And so, when I got home last October, I threw off that persona completely, and started over.
My friend took this as abandonment. They said that I "didn't have the guts to tell them it was over." But that's something they could never understand. It wasn't over. I didn't want it to be over. I DID lie about one thing, and I regret that, but I felt forced to do so-- when they asked me "when I would be coming back," I couldn't break their heart by telling them, "I don't want to come back here. I never wanted to stay. I always wanted to go home and I've been hinting at that for months but every time you got wind of it, you shattered. So I cannot tell you now, flat-out, that this is the last time you will see me in person. I want to go home. This is not my home. I'm sorry." And yet, I couldn't tell them it was over, either. Because for me, things never really end. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just my affinity with time, thanks Celebi, that makes me feel like everything is happening forever all the time. Like beginnings and endings are both vaguely defined. And honestly, what if a few months into coming home, I wanted to go back and visit? Like in the summer, to go to the beach? If I had said "it was over," what would have happened to our friendship? No, it wasn't over. But it wasn't ever going to be how it was, either-- because that wasn't friendship. I had, quite honestly, lied about who I was, what I felt, what I wanted, et cetera. Everything I did, felt, said, and chose was anxiously crafted to "fit their liking," to the point when I couldn't remember who I was when they weren't around to appease. Once I had enough alone time TO remember, I started feeling some disturbingly intense rage at how much of myself I had annihilated, plus an absolutely lethal homesickness that had me begging my family for airplane tickets every time my friend left the house and I could safely use the phone. Regardless, I cared for them. Even if we were utterly incompatible, I cared for them, and I still do. Even if their lifestyle always was absolutely inhospitable to me, still is, and always will be unless they experience a dramatic metanoia, I still pray for them, and wish them well. They were a southern thunderstorm, and I was a northern blizzard. They were cornfields and broad horizons, while I was mossy valleys and ice-capped mountains. They were trumpets and chiptunes, yet I was cellos and choirs. They were cotton candy, I was peppermint. They were water, I was fire. And none of that was bad! There's beauty in all of it. We just... didn't jive. At all. And I kept shoving myself under the rug, forcing myself to like brass music and Y2K aesthetics and ice cream because they did, and I was just weeping inside the whole time, but telling myself "love is sacrifice, this sorrow is just personal death, it's better to live for them," not realizing that if living for someone means murdering yourself you're still breaking a commandment. And that's bad. The true fatal flaw was how we opposed each other in the serious ways. They were hypersexual, had a vulgar sense of humor, used profanity, often walked around naked, practiced witchcraft, praised revenge and spite, loved games and childish toys, et cetera. All things that jarred painfully with my own deep values. I am asexual, with a goofy sense of humor, clean language, traditionally feminine clothing, go to church at least three times a week, try to forgive and serve at all costs, spend my free time studying Scripture, et cetera. And this is not a "superiority" issue because God knows and can attest far more clearly than I how many good things my friend did, how kind and thoughtful and creative they were, as well as how stupid and foolish and ignorant and volatile I can be. I'm, quite frankly, a mess of a sinner, and in my friend all I saw was good. Even when I can point out the aspects of their life that I strongly believe are morally wrong, I know they aren't choosing to do those things because they are wrong, but because they believe they are right and cannot be mistaken. They are trying their best even if I'm afraid they're still headed down the entirely wrong road. But I know when I do something idiotic and I still end up being a moron most days. Nevertheless. I'm home now, with my family, and although I am honestly so happy now, it took some time to get here. And step one was cutting off all contact with my friend.
I have to thank the hospital, actually. I went to the ER within the first week of returning, to try and get my insurance issues fixed (long story), and get whatever medical help I could get in the meantime... and they put me in the psych ER, and they took my phone. And suddenly, for the first time in over a year, I was alone. I had no contact with my friend. I was able to sleep alone, and think alone, and BE somebody other than a mirror image for their sake, a pet for their pleasure, a toy for their entertainment-- all of my own appeasement panic, mind you. But... I spent that night happier than I had been in months. It was, frankly, life-changing. Suddenly I realized just how miserable I had been and how I had been lying to MYSELF about it more than anyone else. The security guard who walked me out the next morning was wearing a huge crucifix ring, and when I told him how beautiful it was, starting a small conversation about what had brought me to the ER, he-- suddenly and eloquently-- began telling me how God had given me a second chance at life, a new birth almost, and that I was morally obligated to live it to the fullest, for His sake. The words of the conversation have faded into time but the impact of them has been pressed upon my heart indelibly since then.
That was a year ago tonight. October 9th, into October 10th. Happy rebirthday. Thank you God.
So. Since then, I've had to heal, slowly but surely. At first it was hellish-- I had so many symptoms exploding at once, as my D.I.D. had utterly vanished after having been turned into the biggest trauma trigger of my life thanks to how it was linked to some terrifying appeasing/ miming experiences in North Carolina. But, now that it was suddenly gone, for the first time in over 10 years, I was alone in my head and although that was JOYOUSLY FREEING it was also AGONIZINGLY SADbecause it felt like all of my friends had suddenly been murdered. And in a sense, they were. They died, in the wake of that disastrous year. Lately, a few of them have come back. They came back different, and they are no longer "alters"-- they were never meant to be, truly, as my past clearly proves. North Carolina mutated and mangled their function and it destroyed them. But ironically, it allowed them to die to all that mental-illness nonsense, just like I did. So now, if anything comes back, it won't have anything to do with that. Even so. Recovery took a long time. It still is! It's a process. But at first, it was like... losing all my limbs, and having to learn how to use prosthetics. Like, I should know how to heal, what to do, how to fix myself... but somehow things just weren't working right. I was too deeply damaged on some level. Yet nothing is impossible with God. I realized, almost immediately upon leaving my friend's driveway last October, that the utter lack of religious freedom in their household-- something they couldn't understand and denied causing, as they couldn't see it, yet it gutted me-- had been the #1 factor in my suicidal depression. And the instant I left, I went right back to prayer, and Scripture, and Mass. And it saved my life. Now, a year later, I'm back to cantoring in church. I'm growing my hair back for the first time in ten years and wearing modest feminine clothing that I haven't worn in just as long and it is SO NICE. I'm speaking more modestly, I'm praying more than ever, I'm spending my ENTIRE weekends in church, I'm reading the Bible every single day... and I am, legitimately, happier than I have EVER been in my life. I've never been this close to God. And yet I'm still such a sinner. I'm still a mess. I'm still struggling with the last brutal vestiges of an eating disorder that I've been warring with for 15 years, and which exploded in North Carolina as a desperate anti-sexual coping method and suicide stand-in. I still have sudden bursts of unbridled rage and grief and violence that frighten me, but God is helping me release that pain, and truly forgive and be merciful. I'm still learning how not to treat myself like utter pond scum, learning how to see myself as something other than garbage, as filth, as a rejected failure of a human being, as a toxic sludge waste that deserves to burn in hell. God doesn't think like that, and neither should I. It's a process. But with prayer and hope and faith and love for God, I'm getting better every day, by His Grace.
I'm happy. I really, truly am, to the point where I could (and do) cry with the wonder of it all. I'm remembering how to love, how to be imaginative, how to be optimistic. I'm remembering how to write poetry, and paint, and play music. I had it all sucked out of me due to that year down south but I'm praying for it to be healed and restored in truth, no longer as a false mess cobbled together to entertain others. I'm doing this for God, and when I do that, the bliss just pours into it. It's wonderful. I love my family so much. We're ALL closer than ever, kinder than ever, and if my poor brother wasn't so utterly wrecked by schizophrenia things would be amazingly good. But it is how it is, and even this is teaching me patience and mercy and humility and prudence more than ANYTHING else could. Trials are a very powerful way to strengthen virtue, which I have been praying for. I just need to face it with God, because without Him I will and do fail miserably. Faith doesn't make things easy, it just makes them possible.
Tomorrow, I have choir practice, and I have to run errands with my grandmother, after I take her to get her hair done. I love these days. I truly do. Despite the stress, my life is honestly so good now. Even with legal and financial and physiological issues and all that. (Doc found several lesions in my brain and I have no idea what that's about!) I'm looking into convents for the future, still, but right now, I'm happy with my family here in the forests of Pennsylvania. Today I helped grandma cook dinner and bake dessert, and clean the kitchen, and make legal phone calls, and I even got to stop at Wegmans (which I left very quickly because hello residual trauma panic attacks) and smell the essential oils because I'm currently fascinated by aromachology and I want to "reclaim" it from the witchcrafty mess I keep finding it in online and use it for God's glory with the help of Scripture and my God-given blessing of imagination. It's fueling my hope, this creative gift, this broad and beautiful world, and the hope of heaven. Until then I must take it a day at a time, because tomorrow is never guaranteed, but I'm alive right now, and I thank God for this second chance, and I want to please Him with how I'm living it. God help me to do that ever the more, no matter how hard it is to release the pain of the past. I want God, nothing more. Easier said than done, or is it? I want to prove that it is the easiest thing in the world... to choose God and never look back, because all the joy and peace and love I could ever want or need is right there in Him. Such is my life now, and yes, it's the best it's ever been, and as long as I keep my heart fixed on the Lord it will continue to get better.
As for now, it's 10pm, and I must get some sleep, and set my heart with determination to do better tomorrow.
During Exposition & Adoration: offering up the pain of my earrings as a small sacrifice on my brother's behalf. Wondering about "uniting our sufferings to Christ's sufferings" as well as the idea of "take up thy cross," in light of the fact that "dual imputation" is HERETICAL. Jesus was INNOCENT when he died on our behalf. He did not "become sin" as that's impossible. This made me realize that THIS IS WHY WE MUST "TAKE UP OUR CROSS" or we cannot be His disciples, or be saved-- because WE MUST DIE WITH HIM TO BE FORGIVEN. Jesus opened the door for salvation, yes, by offering Himself up as the spotless Victim on our behalf to pay a debt we could NEVER pay ourselves… for sin is cosmically terrifying and its inevitable consequence is death… HOWEVER the Cross is not a free ride. We must also be willing to die with Him, in order to SHARE in that Atonement.
I have been praying to be cured of this eating disorder in time for Yom Kippur. It's scary, and today I realized why. When making breakfast, I suddenly noticed how much rage I was channeling into cutting the carrots. Grandma had told me to "cut down" and my mind reacted with an outburst of agonized pain that immediately became a force that went into the knife, chop chop chop, and suddenly I realized that in any other circumstance, that knife would have been going into my arm. Geez. No WONDER I'm afraid to stop making so much-- because the more I make, the more I can cut to pieces.
After church, I was brave, as I was praying, and I wanted to try to eat dinner. My body was weak and cold and tired and aching and sad, and I thought, "jeepers, if this keeps up all winter, I might not make it to Christmas. I need to learn how to eat again." Which is TERRIFYING. But if I don't try, I'll never see my prayers answered, because I won't be cooperating with them. I cut up three cucumbers, four carrots, two romaine hearts, and about a cup and a half of mom's green beans, then added 1/3 cup of oats, and sprinkled salt over it all. That was it. It took me a full hour to eat, I was slightly stuffed, and then the scary thing happened. My entire body felt like it was on fire.
I had this irresistible need to burn it off. So I got on the exercise bike for 20 minutes, listening to Body Language and Beirut and Chad Valley and all sorts of other retro tunes, and as I felt the muscles burning in my legs, I wondered, just how much of my life is spent trying to SEDATE myself?
I have this mania in me that is frankly terrifying and it feels like all of my time is spent trying to chain up this hysterical animal in me that is burning like a brushfire and exploding with pent-up force and if I don't keep this thing as weak and starved as possible, it's going to kill somebody.
First Day of Creation (from the 1493 Nuremberg Chronicle)
This. This is the sort of religious art that immediately reduces me to sobs. It’s so terrifyingly beautiful. It’s so simple, yet so incomprehensible in its vast meaning, in the cosmic significance of the Truth presented in it, a Truth that children can instinctively comprehend, and which centuries of scholars and philosophers struggle to grasp.
It’s gorgeous. It’s the Hand of God, it’s the waters of chaos, it’s the instant the Creator created– the moment He willed Light into being, moving over the surface of the water, hovering there like a dove, like a breath held in joyous anticipation. The circle, the formless world, the encompassment of everything that was and would soon Be… and all around, light, light, light. New and beautiful and true. The first Day of Creation.
"I was preaching in a secular university and a student stood up and said, "How can one man suffering for a few hours save a countless multitude of man?"
I said, "You want to know how one man dying alone for a few short hours on a tree can save a multitude of man from an eternity in hell?"
Because that one man is worth more than all things you can put together. You take mountains and mole hills, crickets and clouds. You take everything. Every planet, every star, every form of beauty. Everything that sings, everything that brings delight, and you put it all on the scale,
And you put Christ on the other side and He outweighs them all, He outweighs them all!
Brethren, this is the one we chase after!"
Paul Washer, Christ Outweighs Them All
He outweighs it all, because He created it all.
And He is the One Who loves us enough to die for us.
In heaven we praise and glorify God forever = true paradise = to glorify Him includes praising His good works = praising the TRUTH of Creation UNTOUCHED BY SIN.
This is why the saints freely sacrifice ALL earthly joys-- they know that they will experience the TRUTH of those joys in heaven WITH GOD AND FOR GOD. On earth all things carry the risk of sin.
“If there is a negative element in our lives, it will be eradicated only if we locate it within ourselves. Evil is born the moment somebody else is to blame.”
— Stelios Ramfos
We must be humble enough to openly admit our own sinfulness, and take full responsibility for it. Only then can we begin to repent in earnest, and so receive God’s forgiveness and healing.
"If we aspire in earnest to a genuine contemplation of God; - we must go, I say, to the Word, where the character of God, drawn from his works is described accurately and to the life; these works being estimated, not by our depraved judgement, but by the standard of eternal truth."
John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
Stop reading about Christ on Tumblr and read about Christ in the Bible. I’m serious. It’s good to share the faith online but you MUST go to the Source of your faith far more often. You must go to His Word first. Your opinions and feelings are not the truth– Scripture is. Only there will you find real rest and joy.
"The knowledge of God which we are invited to cultivate is not that which, resting satisfied with empty speculation, only flutters in the brain, but a knowledge which will prove substantial and fruitful wherever it is duly perceived, and rooted in the heart."
John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
Our knowledge of God must be rooted in the heart! Knowledge of the mind alone is fruitless and fatal to our souls. If we truly know Him, we will live for Him without reservation.
"No one, indeed, will voluntarily and willingly devote himself to the service of God unless he has previously tasted his paternal love, and been thereby allured to love and reverence Him."
John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion
There are proofs of His love everywhere– clear and true, both in Scripture and in the world. Our hearts must be open to seeing and tasting His love, though. God offers us an endless banquet of it, but if someone figuratively covers their mouth, or spits out what they are fed, no amount of good things will do them any good. But if and when we do taste it… well, then our hearts sing with joy. Nothing else can ever compare; nothing but God’s love will ever appeal to us again. And praise be to Him for that!
"The truth is, you have never yet known real pleasure and will not until you come to Christ. For only in Christ are true pleasures to be found. A few moments with Christ are to be preferred to an eternity with the cursed pleasures of this world (Proverbs 3:13-18, Psalm 16:11)."
- John Owen
Every good thing created is but a shadow and fragment of the Good Creator. Remember this– and then also remember that God calls you to know Him now, through His Son. Run to Him, and rejoice in every moment with Him, for they are more blessed and beautiful than anything else you can experience in this life– and so when this life ends, your joy will be untouched, and indeed increased, for then you will be with Christ, your joy, for eternity.
“We need friends who are willing to risk wounding our ego in the moment for the long term good of our souls.”
— Marshall Segal
Honestly, that sort of friend is the only true friend… one who loves us so much, they will seek our salvation above all else, and at the cost and risk of all else. This is the sort of friend Christ calls is to be… to lay down our lives for each other.
“One of the essential and most obvious things about a Christian is that he is a man who lives always realizing that he is in the presence of God. The world does not live in this way; that is the big difference between the Christian and the non-Christian.”
— Martyn Lloyd-Jones
Once we truly realize this, and make it our heart’s constant reflection, our lives will change, dramatically and totally. That change requires that we die to this world. That change prepares us, in every moment, to meet our Lord. That change is what marks us as Christians.
“The Christian who has stopped repenting has stopped growing.”
— A.W. Pink
The humble truth is this: as feeble humans, we will always be tempted, tested, and tried, and we will falter and stumble and even fall at times. But grace means we can get back up, just as Christ did while carrying the Cross, and keep walking towards God. However, this recovery from the injuries of sin requires that we admit we sinned and repent from that sin! Otherwise, we give sin casual permission to keep us down in the dirt, insisting “I meant to do this” or “I like it better here” or even “Well, it’s sure easier than carrying that cross!”… pride never admits weakness; pride never considers it was mistaken. But if we don’t– or won’t– even see a problem with the behaviors and habits and thoughts keeping us stagnant and stuck in the mud of sin, then we end up stopping dead in a lethal sense… we never make it to Calvary, to die with our Lord.
Repentance gets us back on our feet over and over again. Repentance says “I see how I have offended you, Lord. I see how I have failed to live up to my name as a Christian. It breaks my heart because it breaks yours. I am sorry. By Your Grace, and for love of You, I will try again.” Repentance never wallows in the mud. Repentance never throws a pity party. Repentance never condemns itself to failure. Repentance is anchored in faith, and hope, and love. It trusts in Christ’s power to save, and heal, and guide, and transform. Repentance sees where it fell before, and vows to run a better race now, persevering to the end no matter how many more pitfalls it encounters. Repentance keeps our hearts humble, our minds focused, and our souls strong. Repentance is the fruit of the cross. It is growth in Christ, from old to new.
Repent and believe in the Gospel. The two go together.
“No matter with how many things we try to fill our lives, without Jesus, we will never be satisfied.”
This is so true. Ultimately, everything but Him falls short, empties out, dies away… and if we are wise, all that inevitable loss will lead us back to Him, to our loving Lord, in whom all our needs will be forever filled.
“O Jesus! Why can’t I tell all little souls how unspeakable Your condescension is? I feel that if You found a soul weaker and littler than mine, which is impossible, You would take pleasure in granting it still greater favors, provided it abandoned itself with total confidence to your infinite Mercy.”
St. Thérèse of Lisueux
Modern English often loses the true definition of condescension: it properly means "to put aside one’s dignity or superiority voluntarily and assume equality with one regarded as inferior.” It is when God makes gracious allowance for our human frailties. There is no haughtiness or disdain in this act; it is pure compassion and mercy. Thus for this dear Saint to describe our Lord as being “unspeakably” so, she highlights the absolute depths of His love for the most inferior, humble, small and simple soul there is. God never asks us to puff ourselves up, seeking to equal Him, and so meet Him AS an equal, for this is not only impossible but blasphemous. Unfortunately, many modern “religions” do attempt this. But an honest Christian will reject this proud arrogance, instead seeking the lowest place and position, keenly aware of its undeserving weakness before God… and it is there that God will stoop down to meet them, full of the most tender love. But we can only receive such graces from that same position of total childlike surrender and trust– if we ever start to promote or praise ourselves, we will lose those gifts, which are so importantly tied to humility.
Reflect on this profound humility of God Himself. It truly is beyond the capacity of words to express, but the heart knows.
“My daughter, let your heart be filled with joy. I, the Lord, am with you. Fear nothing. You are in my heart.”
— Jesus to Saint Faustina in her Diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul
My own heart weeps with hope to hear my Lord speak these same words to me. There is nothing I want more, than to be held in His Sacred Heart!
“I do not understand how it is possible not to trust in Him who can do all things. With him, everything; without him, nothing. He is Lord. He will not allow those who have placed all their trust in Him to be put to shame.”
— St. Faustina
When we trust wholeheartedly in God, humbly admitting our weakness and helplessness yet rejoicing in His omnipotent goodness, God is pleased to respond just as wholeheartedly to our total trust. This faithfulness is a huge aspect of Who God is; He keeps His promises, and His unfailing reliability brings honor to Him through those who rely on Him– through us, His children!
So trust in Him for all things, in all things. He will not put you to shame, for that would shame Him who you are trusting in. But be warned– if your trust is not genuine, if it is shallow or insincere, God will let it collapse, so that He is glorified through the unreliability of everything but Him. And this, too, is merciful– God doesn’t want your trust to be misplaced. He wants you to rely on Him so He can help you… and He will. So turn to Him– He is waiting!
“Let our judgment of souls cease, for God’s mercy upon them is extraordinary.”
— St. Faustina Kowalska, Diary 1684
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.””
We have no authority to condemn anyone, nor should we– for God alone knows all the evils in a heart, and He knows all of our sins and weaknesses… yet He is incomprehensibly merciful to us every day. So if He forgives us so profoundly, we must do the same for our brethren.
“‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’”
“When a soul extols My goodness, Satan trembles before it and flees to the very bottom of hell.”
— Jesus Christ, to Saint Faustina. (Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, p. 172)
Truly, Satan can only persuade a soul to sin if that soul is shaky in their faith, hesitant in their trust in God, looking away from Christ for answers. Sin only occurs in the absence of love. So when we actively praise God in times of temptation, both feeling and proclaiming His Love echoed back to Him through us… then our hearts are re-tuned to Truth, the devil’s lies are exposed, and the Good Shepherd will rescue us and keep us from going astray. Even if we are afraid, we must turn to Him. He will save us, if we have faith in Him. Satan flees from such faith, as he is utterly powerless against it– utterly powerless against God, to Whom that soul clings.
“Love endures everything, love is stronger than death, love fears nothing.”
— St. Faustina
God is Love, and God is the conqueror of both death and fear. When we are united to Him in Love, then we, too, are lifted up in Him above those temporal terrors. Through the love of God alive in us, we can and will endure all the difficulties of this life, and be brought safely and joyously to Him in the next.
“The first fresh hour of every morning should be dedicated to the Lord, whose mercy gladdens it with golden light.” ~Charles Spurgeon
I like to wake up at 6am and say the Divine Office before even getting out of bed. It honestly changes the whole day for the better– and if I forget to do it, the consequences are miserable.
“He is Infinite Majesty; but at the same time He is Infinite Goodness, Infinite Love.”
— St. Alphonsus de Liguori
And that goodness and love is an integral part of His majesty; He could not be so without all three, which is deeply beautiful.
“All the goods of this world cannot content the heart of man, which has been created to love God, and can find no peace out of God.”
— St. Alphonsus de Liguori
Seek the Creator, not His mere echo in Creation. We, too, are Created things, and so we– and everything else– can only find fulfillment and joy in our Maker… in our beloved God and Father.
“Spiritual reading and meditation teach us our obligations, but prayer obtains grace to fulfill them. ‘Prayer,’ says St. Augustine, ‘is better than reading; by reading we learn what we ought to do, by prayer we receive what we ask.”
— St. Alphonsus de Liguori
We can read all the holy 'textbooks’ we want, but without turning to the Teacher, to the Source of all that holiness, we will not understand how to do it– nor will we even have the ability to, for holiness is no achievement of man. We need God’s help to turn words into works, and we must do the work of exchanging words with Him to get that help– help which He loves to give to His humble, loving, trusting student-children.
Learn, and then pray!
“Consider, you have no friend nor brother, nor father nor mother, nor spouse nor lover, who loves you more than your God. The Divine Grace is that great treasure whereby we vilest of creatures, we servants, become the dear friends of our Creator himself!”
— St. Alphonsus de Liguori
This truth of God’s Love is so staggering, it brings me to tears of shocked grateful humility and joyous adoration every time.
God’s love surpasses everything and everyone, even for us poor wretched sinners. When we feel utterly worthless and forgotten, when we cannot find love in this world, remember the Heart of God. You are always welcome there.
Keep praying for your family. God hears you. You may be the only person praying, so keep up those prayers.
God always hears us; His answers just might not fit our expectations. So surrender; be patient, and trust in God's perfect judgment and timing. He wants to help your family even more than you want them helped! Keep praying-- God honors faithful perseverance.
I, too, must keep praying for my family, no matter how fearful and desperate things may seem. God hears me, and whatever happens is in His hands.
Someone may say, “I am a Christian; I am on my way to heaven; I belong to Christ.” But if he doesn’t do what Christ tells him to, he is a liar. But those who do what Christ tells them to will learn to love God more and more. That is the way to know whether or not you are a Christian. Anyone who says he is a Christian should live as Christ did.
1 John 2
This is the simple but solemn truth. Loving God requires obedience to God. Christians are quite literally obligated to follow Christ’s commands. If we disobey and rebel, we cannot have fellowship with Him. So strive to be ever more obedient in love!!
What is the meaning of Memory Eternal?- “…‘to be remembered’ by the Lord is the same thing as 'to be in Paradise.’ 'To be in Paradise’ is to be in eternal memory and, consequently, to have eternal existence and therefore an eternal memory of God. Without remembrance of God we die, but our remembrance of God is possible only through God’s remembrance of us.” (quote from The Brothers Karamazov)
This is a profoundly moving truth… and yet it is so obvious, somehow– our hearts instinctively know this is right.
What is heaven, but to be forever held in God’s heart, and to hold Him in our own? What could be more beautiful than being remembered by our Father– for the fact of our existence to be cherished in His ineffable Mind? What, indeed, could even be eternal, but this?
I really, really love this.
How does Luke 11:23 relate to Luke 9:50: “Anyone who is not against you is for you”? In the earlier passage, Jesus was talking about a person who was driving out demons in Jesus’ name. Those who fight evil, he was saying, are on the same side as one driving out demons in Jesus’ name. Here, by contrast, he was talking about the conflict between God and the devil. In this battle, if a person is not on God’s side, he or she is on Satan’s. There is no neutral ground. Because God has already won the battle, why be on the losing side? If you aren’t actively for Christ, you are against him.
Many of us know the quote from Desmond Tutu: “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” This also applies to our religion. In a world battered by spiritual warfare, in the constant conflict between Christ and Satan, where our own flesh is already fatally predisposed to evil inclinations– to choose “neutrality” in such a situation is not only morally lazy, but damnably reprehensible. No good soldier would ever make such an excuse, for he knows the cost and importance of the battle, and the unbearable consequences of abandoning it. And so we soldiers of Christ must follow suit; We must actively align our wills and efforts with God’s. If we do not, we are effectively proclaiming our indifference to His cause and Kingdom… and that will send us to hell.
If you spend just as much time writing the Word in your heart as you do reblogging, agreeing, nodding to God, retweeting, and liking Scriputres and inspired words of the Saints online while complaining and comparing yourself to others, I’d guarantee you’d be a fruit-bearer of God’s blessings rather than a fruit-luster.
This is SO IMPORTANT to discern and remember.
We can read, reblog, and reflect all we want, but if we do not LIVE according to the Word and Will of God, it is all empty show.
For all your publicizing of your faith, you MUST do far more internalizing. Your actions and speech must proclaim your Christianity more than your blog ever can.
Stop wishing and yearning for spiritual fruit, but never working in the garden of your soul. Roll up your sleeves and take action. No tree can grow without deep roots in Christ. And God will provide that growth, if you meet Him there.
““At first it may feel like freedom and fun to skimp on prayer and neglect the Word. But then we pay: shallowness, powerlessness, vulnerability to sin, preoccupation with trifles, superficial relationships, and a frightening loss of interest in worship and the things of the Spirit.””
— John Piper
And it happens fast. The devil wastes no time in attacking a soul that has abandoned the fortress of prayer and Scripture, no matter how temporarily. Any and all neglect of faith is potentially fatal. We live in a fallen world and if we aren’t constantly purifying our souls through communication with God, that dirt of sin builds up to blind us, and it gets progressively harder to remove. So stay with God. You’re safe with Him alone.
When anxiety is telling you to fight your own battles with all your strength, listen to the One who always goes before you.
The Lord is speaking over you today saying,
“I got this.”
Christ has it all under control, so leave it in His hands! Don’t fumble with it yourself. It’s okay to give it all to God– there’s no weakness or shame in admitting our powerlessness and confusion. Paradoxically, in this humble surrender lies true strength and honor.
So let Jesus have this– all of it. He’s already won the war, after all.
gingermuscles: This is the most comforting thing to read and to remember at any given time, no matter how awful and lonely it might feel. The Lord my God will be with me wherever I go ❤
God is eternal and infinite and He loves us. His awesome Presence is a comfort beyond comprehension because it is marked not only by truth and honor and sovereignty, but also by steadfast unfailing love. No matter what is happening in our lives or in the world, God is there, God is here, God is then and now and forever… and God is love itself. He IS, and that is indeed the deepest and only comfort we’ll ever need.
“Whenever your heart starts to be anxious about the future, preach to your heart and say, ‘Heart, who do you think you are to be afraid of the future and nullify the promise of God? No, heart, I will not exalt myself with anxiety. I will humble myself in peace and joy as I trust this precious and great promise of God—He cares for me.’”
— John Piper
This is a striking and humbling realization– that anxiety and its inevitable want of control is self-exaltation. It’s pride; it’s worshipping one’s ego instead of God! It may not seem like it, but if you feel it, that upsetting truth is evident. Anxiety puts your focus totally on yourself and what you can’t do, what you don’t have power over, what you are helpless about… and anxiety is terrified of helplessness. So how to conquer anxiety? Show it Who the Help is. Show it Who the Power is. Show it Who has control over All. Humble yourself before the sovereignty of the Almighty, and trust completely in His care. No matter what happens, He IS in charge, and the more your heart is anchored in that faith, the more you will see anxiety melt away, and peace take its place with grateful joy.
God loves you. Exalt Him by believing that, and giving Him the obedient surrender His sovereign Love deserves. He will take care of you.
Your future is entirely in His hands. Nothing else can secure or shatter it.
Rest in that faith.
“Lord, let me fail a thousand times if that’s Your means to make me stronger.”
Stronger in faith!
Lord, grace us with the radically surrendering humility, trust and love of You to pray this prayer in all circumstances. May we accept even the greatest losses with gratitude, knowing they are from Your hands, for Your purposes, for Your glory in us. Strengthen our faith so that every failure of self becomes a victory for Christ!
Sometimes you win, & sometimes you learn. And remember… in both cases, God wins.
If you align your will and heart with His Word, then you will share in His victory and you will learn without the shameful sting of sin. It’s the indisputable best option.
You only “lose” if you’re sticking with sin. Whenever you learn, it’s a warning signpost to that unfortunate fact. You’ve only got two options: obedience and disobedience. And if you’re not obeying the Victor Himself, you’re doomed to fail. Remember this!
We do not know the mind of God, but we do know His patient mercy, and His unconditional love. As His children, our duty is to strive to love others the same way, by His grace. No judging worth, no petty complaints, no whining or pointing fingers. Just love and mercy for our fellow human beings. Love your enemies, seek their highest good, be merciful and gentle, and leave the rest to God.
Anonymous asked: thoughts on spiritual attack? I feel like mentally and spiritually I feel so depressed and far away from God every single Saturday night. Then I wake up drained and don't want to go to church. Not sure if I'm reading too much into this or not
Spiritual attack is something that I think is downplayed a lot, but it is a very real thing. Based on what you’re saying it sounds like this could be a spiritual attack. The enemy will do whatever he can to get a firm hold on our thoughts, and make us believe lies. Start making declarations about who you are in Jesus and say them out loud, there is power in speaking his name. Declare that you are a child of God and that the enemy has no power over you. Ask for others to pray for you. I don’t know what kind of church you attend or how close you are to your church community, but having other believers lay hands on you and speak truths over you is such a powerful weapon against the enemy as well. Remember that our God is greater!! Praying that you experience this truth in such a profound way. God bless you.
I can humbly attest to the power and truth of this. The Holy Name of Jesus has immeasurable power, as does praying His Name with others in the faith. It’s both beautiful and terrifying how quickly a spiritual attack can be silenced by turning earnestly and helplessly to God… and how much angrier the attacks get in the wake of such an entreaty. But do not give up. The devil will fight God and His children until the day we die, but God will also be there to unfailingly support our faith until death and infinitely beyond. The devil cannot win against God... but he can destroy us apart from God. So cling to Christ and take courage!
Replace whatever lies you’re believing about your identity with the truth of who Jesus Christ is in you, and who He knows you to be. What you have done in the past does not get to tell you who you are. Jesus does. If you believe you are bad, worthless, hopeless, or a failure, you need to begin renewing your mind to truth. His Word is truth.
I struggle with this daily. My past is wracked with traumatic sin, which haunts me incessantly, and often drives me to despair… because I keep forgetting this truth in Jesus. I admit this with great shame, but therefore I also exalt Him with great hope and gratitude.
I do feel like I am inherently bad, filthy, wrong, ugly, ruined, broken, evil, worthless, etc. I feel I have failed at life and that my future is nonexistent as a result. But all of this comes from a worldly mindset! If I shift my focus, rightly, to Christ… suddenly I no longer feel defined by my horrific past. Suddenly I remember that Christ has put that evil past to death on the Cross, because He loves me and wants me to live free of that choking burden, free of the fear of sin’s death sentence, free of the chronic terror of hellfire that sin always carries with it. Christ knows I have sinned but He also knows I am heartily sorry, and that I cannot do better without Him.
So Christ died for me, to pay the debt of my sin FOR me, so that if I unite myself to Him in His atoning death, my past dies and I live.
The devil hates this. This is why he constantly tries to chain us TO our past: he wants to nullify the salvation of cross. But he cannot! Christ knows the truth because He IS the Truth. “I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.“ (John 5:24) And of course… "When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, ‘Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee?’ She said, 'No man, Lord.’ And Jesus said unto her, 'Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.’” (John 8: 10-11)
“The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)
Which voice is your identity based on: the thief who destroys, or the Shepherd who heals?
Just… remember this. Read Scripture and live in this.
Public bathroom, Hispanic guys. Like muggers were. Shot me in head. Two huge holes, bleeding, dizzy, cant talk clearly (blood in mouth?) Immediately start praying and preaching. DONT DIE. People freaking because I'm gushing blood but evangelizing instead of keeling over. Walk to state of Christ holding young girl; gold. Snowy? Crawl into his arms and say I'm ready to die here. But I still dont.
Kids, books, school? People filming me? News. I get shot in the head AGAIN, still don't die. But worried now, is this going to be a thing? Will I ever be truly martyred? I didn't want to be giving testimony every time I was lethally wounded, but never dying. It'd become canned.
how someone looks when they think nobody can see them
the mannerisms of a stranger
real meanings behind spoken words
subtle facial expressions which last a second
the underlying flavours in food
emotions that a friend is trying to hide
little lights in a sleeping city
flowers growing through cracks in the pavement
the mixed colour palette in a piece of art
the melody of someone’s voice
Pay attention to the little hidden things.
God lives in the unseen and overlooked, really– in things that are hidden and forgotten. It is in these humble things that He can be specially found and honored. For He sees and loves all these things in life, and in us… after all, He is the One who brought them all into being. Every tiny flower, every moment of music, every minuscule detail of a face or hand or voice, every color or scent or flavor– it all first originated in the heart of God. And that’s deeply moving to realize.
Treasure the small beauties and joys in this life. Let them lift your heart higher, to the hope of heaven, where such beauties are magnified ineffably in their Creator forever.
The Cathedral of the Madeleine, Salt Lake City Interior designed 1917
I was here, once, on the Feast of the Assumption, the day after I moved into SLC for a while.
The mass changed my life. I wept from ineffable emotions the entire time, stricken by the beauty of the art and the air, the prayers and the psalms, the glory of the Gospel. I wanted to stay forever. In my heart, I truly think I have. Part of my soul will always remain there, kneeling alone and awestruck in those pews, pouring itself out to God.
That HAND in that kaleidoscopic color– that reduces me to trembling. That numinous surrealism, that impossible terrible beauty… That is how God’s divinity feels to me. And Moses, completely unclothed, his sandal in hand, his body language totally open, wonder clearly visible despite fear… that light above him. I adore this, I really do.
This is all I want in life; this is all my heart yearns for; this is what we are meant to live and die for.
Sweet Jesus, I beg of you, poor, weak and miserable sinner that I am– please, move my heart, change my heart, purify my will and thoughts so that this, this, You– are the very center and core and guiding light of my existence, the cornerstone of my soul, the joy and hope and love of my entire being. Dear Jesus, hear my fervent prayer! How I love you, and how desperately I wish to love you even more– more sincerely, more completely, more ardently, in this life and the next!
Your love is life itself. May I spend both my life and my love in constant honor of You.
There is so much delicately powerful emotion in this, spoken through silent body language. It’s beautiful.
The composition is utterly breathtaking, too– the central image of Christ, triumphantly resurrected, His arm gesturing towards His Mother, whose hand is humbly touched to her heart, “behold the handmaiden of the Lord”… echoing the upheld arm of the Archangel Gabriel, in a perfect diagonal across, linked by the figure of Christ, literally and figuratively… the banner He holds mirroring the Archangel’s greeting– “hail, full of grace!” – in both victorious function and declaration of birth… His life blossoming forth from both the Womb and the Tomb. Then on the bottom left we have Saints Nazarius and Celsus (with a donor), with Saints Sebastian and Roch in the bottom right… and for me, the meaning that sprung out was that they were all notably cared for by women: Celsus first by his mother, who introduced him to Nazarius to be taught and baptized; Sebastian by Saint Irene of Rome, who tended his wounds; and Roch also by his mother, who was sterile until she prayed to Mary for a child! Not only that, but Saint Roch is speaking to an angel… again making a diagonal connection to Gabriel, and linking Mary to him by association. Completing this compositional beauty is Nazarius, gesturing to Christ, the kneeling donor and attentive Celsus beside him echoing Mary’s position of prayerful humility… and reflecting, lastly, the awe of the soldiers falling before the resurrected Jesus, the dawning light around the one’s head perhaps symbolizing the awakening of Gentiles like us to faith, to beholding the glory of God in His Son, and to ultimately testifying to His Sovereignty with every detail of our lives… seeing Him in All, just like this painting.
Crucifixus etiam pro nobis.
He was crucified– even for us!
(That is the heart of the cross. He did it for us. This was no deserved punishment for Him; this was no obligation or sentence or force. This was no selfish act. Everything about the crucifixion was a choice, made in obedient love, to Love, for Love. Jesus Christ died for us. There is an entire universe of meaning in that simple profound truth.)
Christ is the King of all Creation, and the King of our very hearts. He is both the Just Judge of souls, and our Merciful Savior. All glory, honor, power, and praise are His– the Son of God, the Ruler of All!
These artworks are so beautiful. They portray the gorgeous compassion of Christ, as well as His stunning authority, in powerful truth. I especially love when His Wounds are visible alongside His Scepter and Crown– reminding us of what He suffered for our sake, through His Passion and Death, to redeem us from the sin He otherwise must punish… mercy and justice united in perfect love. It’s amazing.
Look at the love in every single face here. The gaze that the Christ Child is giving her is profound enough to move my heart to tears.
The perspective of this is astounding– and the translucency of the angels!! And God the Father at the very top, arms outstretched, radiant. That simple detail is magnificent, and makes my heart tremble.
I love the visible brushstrokes in this, how they are practically tangible light. Fitting for such a portrait of an angel, announcing the Light Incarnate! I also really love how Gabriel is portrayed– those worker’s arms, that notable nose, the tightly curled hair. To imagine how angels must choose a visible form for our sakes, it’s a dear thought to wonder over, what Gabriel would delight to be depicted with, in every artist’s eye.
Our Christian brethren from all ages, gathered all together at last, in eternal love and praise of our God– in wonder and joy before the Son and His Mother, the King and Queen of us all! Oh, to one day be a joyous member of that heavenly host!! Keep this image and its great hope in your heart. This is the community of saints we must strive to join, through living holy lives here on earth, by Christ’s grace. Let that dedication to honor Him motivate our every decision, until we leave this world for Paradise!
Oh I love the absolute friendly intimacy of this interaction. Look at the body language– Matthew’s almost casually crossed legs, the angel’s playfully graceful tilt, Matthew’s raptly focused hands gripping book and quill, the angel’s light but powerful touch guiding him, their other hand resting so simply… Matthew’s bright and inspired eyes, the angel’s utterly peaceful and playful gaze, that hint of a smile in their unheard direction.
The closeness evident in this, literally and figuratively, is so sweet and moving. May we, too, strive to have such a friendship with God and His angels (and saints!), that it permeates every moment of our everyday lives with faithful love.
Oh WHAT a sword!! How true that is, in its terrific pain!
And yet, look at her face. Despite inexpressible sorrows, Mary forever trusts in God. She feels no bitterness, no despair, no complaint. She weeps, as any loving heart would– she weeps more than any woman has ever wept– but her tears are all born of love for Her Divine Son.
Inexpressible love, and inexpressible sorrow. This is how she shares in Christ’s Passion and Death. This is that blessed sword.
The intricate elegance of this card itself is nothing compared to the fathomless beauty of His Sacred Heart.
I really love that juxtaposition, of worship offering sweetness to sweetness itself. It’s a very precious thing.
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here, while I go yonder and pray.” And taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt.” – Mt 26:36-39
”[…]The world has no idea of all that Jesus suffered.[…]” —St. Faustina, Diary 1054
Jesus fell on His face and prayed. I forget that profound detail. His prayer was so fervent, so genuine, so anguished… indeed, we have no idea how severely our Savior suffered for us. No wonder He shook with sorrow in the garden. This fact should move us all to the deepest humility, love, gratitude, and contrition!
Saint Nicholas of Tolentino, Confessor - 10 September
The clouds look like roses– fitting, as the Rosary is a powerful aid to those in Purgatory.
I also love those angels above, mirroring the souls below. It’s like they’re joyfully watching Saint Nicholas, waiting with him to welcome those suffering brethren into the Kingdom at last.
Just… the angels, their expressions ineffable, showing our Lord scenes from His imminent Passion, carrying Veronica’s veil, even displaying His Sorrowful Mother’s heart pierced in Simeon’s prophetic fulfillment… how the angels nearest us are transparent, their testaments unknown… how our dear Savior Himself is lying on the ground in agonized prayer, yet His eyes are attentive, understanding, decisive even… how He looks up so in the direction of the seraph bearing the chalice He feared to drink, yet which is full of light before Him… and here there is no fear on His holy face, no distress, if only for a moment. Here, there is divine strength. Here, there is the first glimmer of the hope of The Resurrection.
“[He prayed,] ‘Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.’ And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.” (Luke 22:42-43)
Bartolomeo Guidobono (Il Prete di Savona), The Intercession of the Virgin and Saint Nicholas of Tolentino for the Souls in Purgatory, 18th century
This is such a powerful image– both the desperate reaches & faces of the poor suffering souls in Purgatory towards heaven, towards Jesus and His Mother, and the contrastingly serene expressions of those divine figures, are so striking.
Mostly I am so moved by the angel. There is this totally calm yet solidly joyous smile on their face, and they are pulling a soul out of Purgatory with a grip that is firm but full of love. I’m not sure on the meaning of the belt in their other hand, but if I had to guess, if seems as if that instrument of bondage, too, was removed from the soul below.
And those skulls in the bottom left corner. Memento Mori. Pray for the souls in Purgatory– chances are that we, too, will join them one day, and that day may very well be tomorrow!!
A French print of the Mother of Sorrows holding some of the Arma Christi, the instruments Christ’s Passion.
I love how, even with tears in her eyes, there is this visible joy in her face. She has wept with bitter sorrow but this fact has not diminished her faith, hope, or love in the slightest. She holds these terribly blessed instruments with a genuine honor, displaying them to us with glory. She knows God is victorious. She knows her Son will rise. She knows that no amount of pain or misery can ever stand in the way of the Lord… but she also knows that pain and misery are real, and legitimate, and holy when felt by a tender heart.
Mary invites us to share her sorrows, so that we can truly share in her joy as well. Blessed Mother of Sorrows, pray for us!
Meanwhile in Rome…
Church of Santa Maria in campitelli
Oh WOW.
I love Catholic church architecture so much because it absolutely testifies to the GLORY of God! This is something you do not, and should not, see anywhere but in the House of God. It is a powerful visual testament to WHO we are worshipping.
I always remind others of this when they doubt the existence of relics from the Crucifixion… do you really think Mary would let those sacred objects go forgotten? Never. I am sure she preserved them with the utmost love and honor.
Oh blessed Mother, oh sorrowful Mother, pray for us poor sinners, that through the dear graces of your Son’s saving death, we may be made new and live lives worthy of receiving His promises!
Viktor Vasnetsov - Fatherhood (Detail); State Tretyakov Gallery, Moscow, Russia; 1907
I’ve posted this one a few times before, but I never tire of looking at it
This is titled Fatherhood.
I’m honestly in tears. The beauty and power of this is a sword straight to the heart. This is our God– the Lord and Creator of all– our Father and Brother and Friend, Who loves us!!
Oh this absolutely rends my heart with its beauty.
Holy Thursday night is the most agonizingly sorrowful and most mysteriously gorgeous night of the entire year, for me. It is its own entire reality, outside of linear time somehow, eternally ancient and yet completely present, so real you feel it in every atom. The last night before the end… the first night of the beginning.
The ineffable love in this leaves me speechless and in tears. To think… Christ yearns to embrace all of us like that. That’s how dearly He loves us– that’s the ultimate heart of the Cross itself!
This is strikingly moving. What a devoted, loving mother, who would not rest until her son’s soul was delivered from deathly ways!
Dear Saint Monica, pray to God for all of us whose loved ones have ignored, rejected, or fallen away from Christ! May their souls be moved by God’s grace, through our loving and fervent intercessions, to convert and return to the Lord with their whole hearts!
Un Viático en el Baztan - Javier Ciga Echandi - 1917
A Viaticum in the Baztan.
“According to Fernández Oyaregui, ‘Un Viático en el Baztan’ is [Javier’s] masterpiece… "It narrates, with incalculable ethnographic and sociological value, with real characters of his time, a habitual religious custom at the time…” The scene, which takes place in the palace of Askoa in Elbete, reflects the moment in which a procession of mourning women provided with candles, preceded by Monsignor Mauricio Berekoetxea and the altar boy Juan Lasa, set out to enter the house of the patient to administer the last Sacraments.” (Source)
There is such a tangible sense of sacred solemnity here– a real blurring of the line between life and death. Here, the Monsignor and funeral procession testify not only to the reality of imminent death, of the end of a life… but even more strongly, bringing with them the Real Presence of Christ Himself, they testify to an imminent life after, to a greater truer life, the Way leading them in to the patient, and leading their patient onwards. You can feel that very threshold thrumming in the silent gravity of this painting.
I love the vibe of this so much. I can practically smell the crisp cold winter air, and the warm glow of morning sunlight, pouring from the stark blue skies… but loveliest of all is the luminous church itself, joyful and welcoming and bright, a safe haven for body and soul.
This is what winter feels like for me, in my heart always, and I love it so much.
The simple yet profound intimacy in this is stunningly gorgeous.
That is the hand of God, mind you. God as an infant, God as a human child, touching his human mother with divine tenderness and love. That detail alone is enough to move one to heartfelt contemplation.
I actually like how Christ is out of frame here– we only see His blessed Hands, crowning His Mother. That limited visibility highlights the mystery and divinity of this event, as it makes the Son appear in the same hidden way as the Father does in so many other ancient artworks: as hands alone, as the very instruments of power… as nothing personal, nothing too profound for mortal men. Now Mary, too, is an earthly being, no matter how holy she has been made, for her earthliness was a key part of her role in God’s plan. But she was the first mortal to see the face of God and live… the face of Jesus Christ. And now, here, she is made Queen of Heaven, raised up to a new way of being altogether, by the direct will and action of He Whose True Face no mortal being can see, let alone fathom.
And so, here we only see our Savior’s hands, but Mary sees infinitely more, sees what is hidden from us… she sees the Face of her Beloved Son.
I’m immediately struck by their eyes, though. Their gaze is pure intensity, blazing like fire, and yet there’s still this feeling of unshakable peace within it… a peace born of angelic faith, joyously immovable though the stars themselves be snuffed out. Terrible, beautiful, awe-inspiring faith. Faith that makes you tremble, for it inherently proclaims the all-surpassing glory of God, to Whom that faith is anchored fast.
Seraphim are the highest choir. They exist TO praise God, incessantly. No wonder this one radiates such incomprehensible holiness. Every angel is terrifying because they are so high above us, so much closer to God, and they carry that Divine Light with them. To fear them is a mark of humility– a vivid awareness of our own awful sinfulness in contrast– but their response to us, “do not be afraid,” proclaims God’s Goodness, which is infinitely above even theirs, in an even more staggering sense. The Creator of All, the One Who makes a seraph’s eyes look like that– He loves us, and calls us to Him, and sent His Own Son to save us… the same beloved Son Whom the angels adore and announce throughout Scripture, and throughout our own lives even now.
So, behold this seraph. See God working through them for His people. See His power and glory and love reflected in them. And do not be afraid.
Saints. Hours of Louis de Laval, France ~ ca.1480
That ocean of halos gives me so much hope. So many holy souls whose faces only God knows… unknown to the world, and blissfully so, for they are with God now, and lived for Him despite their anonymity, and that is all that matters.
Dear Lord, through Your grace and guidance, may I join this most blessed multitude one day, to adore you forever.
I love the details in this– the Arma Christi held by angels, including the pillar at which he was scourged… the skull and crowns at the foot of the cross… His Holy Family adoring together from Heaven… Veronica’s veil, the pelican perched on the top of the cross.
The Prodigal Son In Modern Life, the Fatted Calf, 1882, James Tissot
Oh wow, this is beautifully done. I absolutely love modern-day depictions of Jesus’s parables; it shows how they are still so absolutely relevant to our lives.
Foster father and dear cousin.
I love how Jesus has His eyes closed in both statues, a beautiful expression of trust and peace.
The Beheading of Saint John the Baptist Pier Francesco Mazzucchelli—ca. 1620
The composition of this is so powerful it brings me to tears.
There is such powerful testimony in all the paintings of John’s martyrdom. The very portrayal of his death speaks volumes as to the depth and devotion of his faith.
Saint Denis - bishop of Paris in the third century
He was martyred for his faith by decapitation together with his companions Rusticus and Eleutherius
prosperosfootnotes: Motion to have all cephalophore saints depicted with light-like heads from now on.
This makes me think of 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
“Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (CSB)
So yes, I am absolutely here for luminous-souled cephalophores. That which is within cannot be cut off.
Oh WOW, look at the silhouette of God the Father!!
I’m actually in tears from the beauty of this. God bless His inspired artists.
German: “Jesus wird erhöhet u stirbt am Creuze.” = “Jesus is raised/ exalted and dies on the Cross.”
I am struck, though, by the object at the foot of the Cross, beside Mary Magdalene. Is that the spikenard from John 12:3? Is that the precious oil with which she anointed His feet “for burial,” and dried them with her hair? If so, what a gorgeously heartbreaking visual parallel this is!
THIS is why we must be absolutely reverent during Mass!! The divine, unseen truth occurring there, all around us, including us, is so magnificent that it would (and should) bring every parishioner to their knees in awestruck tears… if we but honestly realized it, if only for a moment!
Oh my goodness this is so beautiful it makes me cry. Look at the absolute love in their eyes… and realize that Christ is looking at us like that, even now. It’s enough to move any heart to heaven.
Saint Joseph, foster father of all Christians, pray for us, your children through the Son, that we, too, may always gaze upon Him with as much pure and ardent love as you do.
Oh this is staggering in its humbly stark simplicity.
This is what He endured for us– overwhelming pain, pierced through with countless lances of sin! And yet, see there, the precious drops of Divine Blood– unfathomable mercy, shed for our reconciliation even then.
O Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us poor sinners!
A German baroque miniatur of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, “heart of love and sorrow”.
This is really beautiful.
Her love and her sorrow are inseparable, really. They each strengthen and enable the other. One cannot feel true grief without knowing true compassion, and vice versa.
The lighting in this is magnificent. Truly our Blessed Mother is “clothed with the sun” here!
I also really love how Mary– portrayed here as Our Lady of Lourdes, the Immaculate Conception– is positioned directly above the Tabernacle… which she literally is in her own right, having also “immaculately conceived” our Savior, and carrying His Precious Body within hers. Not only that, but right above her is the Holy Spirit, who made that very fact possible!
In any case the symmetry and symbolism of this entire altar is gorgeous.
Oh my goodness where is this? That conjoined-wing design, especially superimposed upon the wheels, just screams “Ophanim” to me.
I love this. I love incomprehensible representations of divinity, God and His angels both. It’s a deeply awe-inspiring truth.
Antique Prayer Cards.
I tried my best to translate the four French+Latin cards; they’re very beautiful. If you can translate them more accurately please let me know!
1. “Voila ce Coeur, Qui a tem'aime les homme!” = “Here is this Heart, Who has loved (you) men!”
2. “Tendre Marie priez pour nous auprès de votre divin fils.” = “Tender Mary pray for us to your divine son.”
3. “Mater Divina Providencia” = “Mother of Divine Providence.” / “Auxilium Christianorum” = “Help of Christians.” / “Salut, ó Mère de misėricorde; notre vie, notre joie, et notre esperance.” (Salve Regina)“ = "Hail, Mother of mercy; our life, our joy, and our hope. (Hail (Holy) Queen)” / “Secours des Chrétiens, priez pour nous.” = “Help of Christians, pray for us.”
4. “Ce que c'est qu'aimer. Dėdié à la Garde l'honneur.” = “This is what it is to love. Dedicated to Guard (Keep) the honor.” (?) / “Une petit image des degrés de l'amour.” = “A small picture of the degrees of love.” / “Mon Dieu, faites pousser mes ailes!…” = “My God, Make my wings grow!” (literally “Grow my wings!”) / “C'est en aimant la Croix que l'on trouve son Coeur, Car le divin Amour ne vit pas sans douleur…” = “It is by loving the Cross that one finds his Heart, Because the divine Love does not exist without pain…”
The final card is absolutely gorgeous; it’s also striking because it appears to potray the Sacred Heart of Jesus, with Mary’s Immaculate Heart at its center, Saint Joseph’s Pure Heart to the right, and Saint John the Divine’s Heart to the left! I’ve never seen his heart portrayed before. But, remember, from the Cross, Jesus entrusted Mary to him as his Mother, making John her first adopted son among us Christians. Therefore, the entire “Holy Family” is upon the Cross with our Lord, all their hearts united in that suffering love… and at its foot, dozens of anonymous hearts fly, inflamed with the Holy Spirit, to join that Family, quite literally, as Christians. Those are OUR hearts. It’s profoundly moving, truly. But there is also a terrific warning– notice the heart that has lost its fire of love, and so blackened and wingless, falls to the ground! May we be prevented from ever suffering such a fate– instead, let us all pray to our Crucified Lord of Love to gather our hearts to His– we tiny winged things, more precious than many sparrows– that we, with His blessed Family, may grow in fiery ardor to ultimately join them in both name and nature, honoring and defending both His Heart and His Cross, affixed to it with Him through carrying our own with fidelity and love!
In his human weakness, he betrayed his Lord… but his Lord never took the keys back. Peter still knew Jesus was the Christ, and nothing could change his faith– not even his own sin. His heart was still devoted, and we see the immediate proof of that in his repentance here… seeking forgiveness upon a rock, for having denied his Rock, who had called him, too, to be such a rock.
And he still has the keys. I cannot get over that. Even then, with the cockerel crowing overhead. His sin happened in the night, but now, even now, the darkness is ending. There is hope, golden and true, greater than any sin. There is resurrection after death. The rock will be moved, has been moved, and love will triumph evermore.
Oh wow, this is such a tenderly loving image of Mary– and such an honestly striking picture of Jesus, so absolutely human here, so recognizable as a tiny infant, like we all were once. To imagine dear Mary cradling us like this, too, the blessedly adopted Children of her Blessed Child… she is, indeed, Our Good Mother.
What love and tenderness she beholds us with. We are indeed her children.
Sacred Heart of Jesus, Thy kingdom come!
God’s heart is aflame with love for us. He will ignite our hearts with that same love, for His sake! Trust in Him and do His work– He will support you in all of it.
In His Kingdom, our hearts in turn will burn like this for love of Him. And what love He has for us!! May our hearts be ignited even now, so that His will may be done upon earth!
Our Lady of Victory Basilica, Lackawanna, NY
Oh WOW, what a beautiful tabernacle!! All those reverent angels! One’s heart cannot help but be moved to feel the same.
Those thorns… that expression! There is such profundity and vulnerability in His face. I cannot take my eyes away from Him.
French reliquary pendant for the Holy Thorn circa 1340.
As someone with a strong devotion to Christ Crowned With Thorns, the reality of this absolutely hits me straight in the heart. Wow.
Honestly I’m speechlessly in tears; this is so ineffably beautiful and mysterious and holy. Looking at that Thorn… it makes me weak in the knees with reverent awe. Glory be to God.
Passage of the Jews through the Red Sea, 1891, Ivan Aivazovski
This is absolutely staggering in both beauty and affective power. Look how close the Egyptian army is! Look at those last-minute souls just barely pulling themselves out of the returning waters! Look at the light above, the darkness about, the divinely terrifying glow of the fiery cloud! And look at Moses– his hand outstretched, his faith unwavering, his people freed, his Lord and God unfailing.
The Old Testament (Tanakh) is honestly a gorgeous, humbling, magnificent, striking book, a true testament to the glory and goodness of God, which I have loved to read since childhood. This is a snapshot of why.
As children, it’s so easy to acknowledge our angels, to envision them at the foot of our beds. But how many of us, as adults, remember and realize that these heavenly guardians still watch over us so closely, so lovingly? Even now, grown up and struggling to sleep, there is a special angel sitting alongside us, their heart full of compassion. Let us thank them for their fidelity to God through us, and turn to them for aid so that we, too, may glorify God with them!
A Female Saint (Bridget of Sweden?) Holding a Crucifix and a Book unknown artist Wellcome Collection
I actually love that this dear saint is unidentified; whoever she is, she stands here humbly as a model of faith, seeking no recognition of self, but only proclaiming the love and honor due to God by her example… and so we modern Christian women can look to her here, and imagine ourselves in that same place.
If her name is unknown, what if it were ours? What would that feel like, to be the woman pictured here? What sort of blessed life, what trials and triumphs of faith, would we need to also live in order to truly inherit the title of Saint from our sister here?
If we can hold that ideal, that great hope, that very image in our hearts as we live our days, it shall certainly strengthen our devotion to God… and, with His guidance and blessing, we shall one day meet our anonymous sister here in heaven, saints among the saints.
Raphael, Madonna of the candelabra (detail), c.1513
He is the Light of the World; She is the candle that humbly brought His fire to us.
I love the delicacy of their halos, and the silent profundity of their eyes.
The most Holy Trinity.
I really love how they are all positioned within each other here; with that ineffable visual focus on the Father’s Heart uniting them all.
I love depictions of the Trinity in art. It always strikes me as so ineffably, mysteriously gorgeous– the humble but honorable human attempt to portray the unfathomable.
“Gaze upon him, consider him, contemplate him, as you desire to imitate him.” - Saint Clare of Assisi Sacred Icon of Christ Pantocrator
It is honestly so important to literally gaze on Jesus. The culture of death all around us fills our eyes with corruption and sin on a terrifyingly constant basis. We MUST refocus our sight on Christ, to wash away and overpower the negativity and lies of the world, and to train our poor battered subconscious to anchor itself on contemplating God as well. Gaze on Jesus, and let His beauty of visage, soul, and message fill your heart and mind so totally that all else is brought under His gentle yet powerful rule. As you ardently do this, seeking and loving and contemplating Him, you will indeed inevitably become more and more like Him. “The things that we love tell us what we are.”
Jesus will never give up on us. We just need to remember to never give up on Him! No matter how hopelessly far from sainthood we may feel, if we earnestly keep praying and keep trying to humbly but ardently obey Him, He will bring us to success. I’m sure of it. No one is too sinful to be saved, if they honestly allow God to rule in their lives more and more. Jesus can and will make us His saints. Don’t give up on Jesus!
Seriously, ASK YOURSELF these questions– daily, even. Be brutally honest. Wherever you are convicted by the Spirit– and He will never sugarcoat the truth– CONFESS AND REPENT! Pray for mercy and the grace to reform your life. The fate of your soul depends on it!
National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, Washington, United States of America Photo by Mateus Campos Felipe on Unsplash
I visited this shrine twice in high school and it was immediately, indelibly impressed into my heart. It is achingly gorgeous; the sanctity is practically tangible. It is truly a place of God.
I miss it profoundly and plan to return as soon as God grants me the means. I’d honestly live there if it were possible.
We were just discussing this at church today, especially in light of Fatima and recent divine revelations in general.
We NEED to return to tradition, focusing strongly on continually strengthening and restoring virtues such as devotion, solemnity, humility, contrition, fear of God, and justice to our faith– showing it in our places of worship as well as within our parish communities.
The bright side of this constant concern: it keeps you focused on growing in God! Just don’t become obsessive. If nothing else, every inconvenience is an opportunity to practice patience, love, humility, gratitude, etc. And that is sufficient.
I literally started crying upon seeing this. Oh my heart. The beauty is staggering, the sanctity virtually tangible… this captures the exact numinous grandeur that I adore in places of worship. God deserves all the glory and gorgeousness we can offer Him in His holy houses, honestly.
The flower petals are so gorgeous, all red amidst the gold and white, the light and incense smoke. And that monstrance, the literal heart of it all, more beautiful than the temporal glory all around… how blessed we are to have our faith!!
Hey, I’ve been there!! This alterpiece is from the chapel in the motherhouse of the Franciscan Sisters T. O. R. of the Penance of the Sorrowful Mother in Toronto, OH. They’re a beautiful community.
That fact adds an even deeper meaning to the presence of Our Lady at the foot of the cross here; thank you for sharing!
From their website:
“Founded at Franciscan University in 1988, we, the Franciscan Sisters T.O.R. of Penance of the Sorrowful Mother, are a Franciscan religious community rooted in Christ Crucified, animated by the Holy Spirit, and modeled after Mary, our Mother. Our life flows from the Eucharist, the wellspring of love and mercy. Captured by the merciful love of Christ, the fulfillment and desire of every human heart, in whose light every other love pales, we cannot help but freely give our lives. We abandon all so that this impoverished world, unknowingly starving for His love, may be filled with knowledge of His merciful Heart, eternally beating and ferociously burning for every human person.”
I feel this beautiful description also beautifully demonstrates the quote above. These Sisters are indeed immersed in the Trinity, living their lives in constant remembrance and proclamation of God’s Love, and although they have completely given up all ties to this world, they have lost nothing, and indeed gained everything– for their joy, their wealth, their home, and even their very identity, are fulfilled in truth within that very Triune Love. May we, too, be so moved by that Love as to follow their humble example, and dedicate our lives– even outside of any formal vocation– entirely to God.
Lastly, I must confess that I am so deeply moved by that stained glass window above the Cross… the hands of God the Father, bestowing the Spirit upon us, which was only possible by the Son’s death (John 16:7)… hearkening back to Mary’s Fiat, her “Thy Will Be Done” echoing her Son’s, her “beginning” echoing this “ending”… her heart pierced with Our Lord’s just as Simeon foretold. God sent out His Spirit upon her then, as Jesus entered the world, and now as He leaves it, we remember that same hope, and look forward to Pentecost. It’s all just this deeply beautiful feeling in my heart, seeing that, those numinous hands and that sacred dove, that fire of incomprehensible Love. Indeed, one cannot help but be immersed in it.
Images of the Most Holy Trinity always move my heart like an earthquake. Yes, we cannot really “see” God, in any of His Persons, but… this is our reverent attempt to at least invoke honor and devoted love towards that Great Mystery, and boy, does it ever succeed! I want to fall, speechless and trembling with fearful joy, to my knees. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages, Amen!!
This– the Infant Jesus appearing to Saint Anthony of Padua– is gorgeously portrayed. Look at how lovingly Mary gives the Child to him– at the mandorla surrounding both Her and Christ, showing how this sacred moment transcends space and time! Look at the lilies, for Anthony’s humble devotion and Mary’s purity, at the putti, for God’s Presence with Our Lady, at the candle, for the light of Truth in God’s Word, and at that very Word present in not only the holy Bible open before the Saint– as open as His heart– but also in the Incarnate Word to whom he lifts up his heart and hands to receive!
Statue of the Sacred Heart of Jesus in procession; Nervion, Seville, Spain
I really love how Jesus’s robe is open here, exposing his Sacred Heart quite literally. So many statues of our Lord just superimpose it onto His garment. But this, this vulnerability, this openness and tender power, is so striking, and– if I may be so bold– so true to our Lord’s character. Paired with His expression, we see not only his exquisite pain, but his equally vast mercy and love. Nothing is hidden from those who seek Him, who honor His Most Sacred Wounded Heart.
The tenderness and agony both in this painting are stunning. And that red, stretched out behind them, that funereal black sky… this captures the feeling of that Friday so clearly. Good, true, for we all know what it accomplished, but oh, how terribly it did so!
willow-s-linda: I wanted to draw something for Pentecost. Interestingly, it seems to be an exclusively European holiday? Still, it’s one of my favourite parts about the New Testament. It makes me remember how close and powerful God is, not only to the apostles, but also in this life, today, to me.
It’s a big deal indeed for Christians in general– today is the birthday of our Church in the world, by the Grace of God!
This illustration is so deeply moving and beautiful, and portrays the message of today’s holy day with simple profundity. The miracle of Pentecost still occurs today, in the hearts of all the faithful who are open and waiting in hope to receive Him, just like the Apostles.
Our Lord Jesus indeed promised to be with us always, and Pentecost is the glorious, loving manifestation of its fulfillment through all ages. No matter when or where we are, God is with us!
Come, Holy Spirit, and so enlighten our hearts with your divine Love, that we may carry your compassion to all the world!
This is, truly, what it means and feels like to be a Christian. We have been called to such a great, glorious purpose for His sake, and through love of Him. Christianity is a religion of ardent devotion to the Lord God and Pentecost was the first earthly expression of that– the birthday of the Church!
Our Lady was the first human to be touched by the Holy Spirit, at the Annunciation, when it was first proclaimed that God was coming into the world in a new way… as the Second Person of the Trinity. It is only fitting that here, at Pentecost, when the Third Person is finally to arrive for the rest of faithful humanity, Mary would again be at the heart of it, the gateway of the Spirit’s divine Grace for her Son’s friends, the Father’s adopted children.
Oh I love this. The imagery of the Seraphim, bearing the Gifts, is especially striking– those angels are the closest of the Choirs to the Presence of God, and by His grace, through His Spirit, those Gifts are brought down into our hearts for His glory! What a miraculous, humbling privilege of faith! May we all pray for the openness, meekness, and trust of heart to receive those Gifts today.
Q. 428. How did the Holy Ghost come down upon the Apostles?
A. The Holy Ghost came down upon the Apostles in the form of tongues of fire.
Q. 429. What did the form of tongues of fire denote?
A. The form of tongues of fire denoted the sacred character and divine authority of the preaching and teaching of the Apostles, by whose words and fervor all men were to be converted to the love of God.
This is such a beautiful illustration for that world-changing event. What divine love, what wonder and awe, what works of power and grace! May we all respond like these blessed converts to the voice of the Holy Spirit in our lives– and may we, too, like the blessed Apostles, be His mouthpiece and kindling flames of love to others in such a wholly trusting, self-emptying, God-honoring way!
I am always so deeply moved by the realization that God became a Child.
I am also struck by not only the tenderness and purity of this image, but also the ultimate implications of Christ’s title as the Lamb of God. He is the ultimate sacrificial offering, blameless and spotless, the offering of Love that would have the power to truly expiate all the sins He brought to that altar of the Cross.
In this Child is our Crucified Lord, our Good Shepherd who lays down His life for His sheep, and I daresay that profundity of love and power both is met in His Eyes here.
“Santa Veronica con il velo” by Mattia Preti
Oh, what aching beauty– her tears, her face; His face, His love!
This makes me think of the light within a confessional. It’s one of the most deeply, achingly comforting sights in the world.
All things were created Good; all things fell and were condemned to death. Both the falling and the rising of creation were wrought upon trees. Death is now a door. The fallen fruit now carries a fertile seed. There is a sunrise, there is a spring. There is hope.
“…If Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.” (Romans 8:10-11)
I also am moved by the solitary portrayal of the three acts of salvation here. Judas’s betrayal, with the condemning crowd, is presented as a public event, as part of the world, as a work of this worlds people. But although Jesus was surrounded by the same people as he carried His Cross, and died upon it, and rose from the dead on the third day… here, the focus is on Him alone, pun intended. We see the two thieves also dying in the background, but even that speaks only to highlight the nature of what is occurring front and center– God delivering Himself up to death, so that we who are doomed to die like those thieves now have another way, The Way– that by crucifying our worldly selves in faith, uniting our symbolic death to His literal salvific one, we allow Jesus Christ to take our place in death– as He so willed for His faithful– and we can follow Him out of the grave… instead of being crucified for our sins and dying an ignominious deserved death. But, again, the focus is on Jesus. Not on us. This is the distilled, focused presentation of Salvation’s victory over the World.
Christ alone carries the burden of our sins, Christ alone dies for the just punishment of our sins… and Christ alone conquers death and opens the tomb free from our sins. And so He calls us to follow– not to do the same, not literally, as It Is Finished, and the glory is His alone… but in loving compassion and faith, imitating Him, carrying our crosses and dying to sin and being reborn In His Grace.
In short, the pinpoint focus on Christ here, the Light in the darkness, the Only Source of Salvation, speaks volumes as to what was done, and why, and by Whom. It’s all Jesus Christ. Thanks be to God!
I was just thinking about this looking outside at the turning leaves and breathing the chilly fresh air. It’s such a blessing to be alive, to experience God’s wonders and beauty in the world. His Goodness is tangible in all of it– in every special detail of every season.
So yes, the next time you enjoy your pumpkin spice coffee, thank the Good Lord for having created all three of those things! 😄 (I happen to be eating cucumbers like a total loon, making myself even colder. 😆 But I wait all year for this weather so you won’t hear me complaining! I joyfully thank God for the cold too.)
“Easter Pink Slip,” by Miriam Migliazzi & Mart Klein. To quote the source page, “When it comes to Easter, God is pretty much fired…”
This absolutely breaks my heart, and gives me serious pause as a Catholic. If the secular world really does feel this way– effectively “firing” God from His very masterpiece of salvation, the holiest holiday of the year, because “no one believes in [that] anymore”– then we Christians need to do everything we possibly can to defend His Kingdom, and proclaim His authority, and let Him remain the beloved boss of our lives, even if those around us are showing Him the door.
Anunciación. Faccini Pietro.
She’s holding the blue of divinity against her womb! What a striking detail.
St. Cecilia (The Angels Announcing her Coming Martyrdom), 1897, Gustave Moreau
Oh this strikes straight to my heart. Dear Patron Saint! Look at the serenity upon her face! Look at the splendor of the holy angels, bringing tidings of her holy sacrifice! Look at the light of the moon above, reflecting the light of the sun in the night, just as she reflects the light of God’s Love in this night of her life!
O Lord, for whom my spiritual sister gladly died, may I keep this image of her faith impressed upon my heart!
Dear Saint Cecilia is my Confirmation Saint, as music has been a sacred and integral part of my life since infancy, and one of my biggest talents from God.
This morning, I found my old violin when doing spring cleaning and, even just by tuning it, what joy it brought to my beloved grandmother!
Music is such a blessing from God. May we always use it for His glory and honor, whether we are performing, composing, or listening. May our hearts always sing in harmony with His, in all His Creation, for it and we are part of His Song. Saint Cecilia, pray for us!
The body of our Lord Jesus Christ at my church.
I weep with heartbroken agony and contrite gratitude every time I see Him here, every Good Friday.
He is there because of me. He is there because of all of us. The amount of love in this is incomprehensible, and yet, it speaks to our hearts in perfect understanding.
I immediately started sobbing. The look in His eyes…!
That is what true love looks like. That is true mercy, true joy, true hope… oh, what blessed wonder, to recognize every heartfelt need fulfilled in That Holy Face!
“Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise.”
Jesus Walking on the Sea of Galilee, Paul Bril and Frederik van Valckenborch, 1590s
I am so moved by the composition of this. Here we have Galilee, and its fishermen, and its shepherds, the trees and clouds and cliffs… and right in the heart of it all, almost just another part of the scenery, we have the very Son of God, we have Peter’s faith and fear, we have a miracle and remembered thousands of years later. But notice how humble it is! Glory is framed by lesser glory, and yet none are diminished in beauty, all of it proclaiming the wonder of God. Jesus stands as a single pink figure, lit by contrasting blues, the wind and the waves, soft and gentle and powerful and terrible all at once– and Peter himself is the same hue as the grass, as the leaves, as the stones and the shoreline. Through color and movement, our eyes are ultimately led to the Son of God, and yet there is no force to it, no aggressive pointing-out. He simply walks on the water, amid everything else in the world, His humility and power both perfectly expressed.
Religious art is so gorgeous. Thank God for these blessed painters!
St. James Brought to Martyrdom - Giovanni Battista Piazzetta (1683-1754)
“According to a tradition, which, as we learn from Eusebius… was received from Clement of Alexandria… the accuser who led the Apostle to judgment, moved by his confession, became himself a Christian, and they were beheaded together.”
I swear you can feel the power of God’s grace in this; in James’s upturned face, in the look of wonder on his accuser’s own countenance, in how James himself seems pulled forwards, into some unseen light, seeking to serve his God more than to save his earthly life. May we all mercifully receive such grace of devotion.
There is so, so much aching terrible sorrowful beauty in both Christ and His Mother in their sacred sufferings. I think that alone speaks mysterious volumes of Truth to our hearts.
Mater Dolorosa
I literally gasped when I saw this. What unspeakable sorrow; what heartbreaking beauty!
That little altar gate adds such a numinous gravity.
There is such a quiet yet profound sanctity to this. The crucifix, the tabernacle… what divine glories wrapped in such humble yet beautiful appearance!
Wooden Chapel constructed with 61 Doug Fir logs, conceived by John Pawson in the Bavarian village of Unterliezheim.
A small path leads to the chapel’s entrance, located at the transitional point between woodland and open ground. The architecture is framed as the simplest of gestures. From certain perspectives its mass appears as a pile of logs stacked up to dry; from others the considered placement of the elements on a concrete plinth creates a more formal impression of a piece of sculpture emerging from the forest. The purposefully narrow entry maintains the sense of physical proximity encountered as one moves through the dense trees, adding visceral and visual theatre to the exhilarating experience of passing into an attenuated space over seven metres high and nearly nine metres long.
I have honestly dreamed of building a chapel like this in my woods. I could never match the absolute beauty of this, though.
It’s staggeringly intimate in its rawness, its simplicity, its solitude. There is a grandeur to its stark humility that truly reflects the soul of religion– an absolute unfettered focus on Christ, on the ineffable reality of the Cross, held deeply and indelibly in the secret places of our hearts… and the infinity of Him within such a small space.
I adore this. I would love to pray here one day.
I can attest to this! It's a scary feeling at first, but honestly, God deserves His due. The first thing I do now with my monthly check is give 10% directly to the Church and if I don't, it drives my conscience crazy. To spend that God-given money on myself first is abominable. It all came from God-- He can take it away just as fast. And it was given for His glory no matter how I use it specifically; whether it's bills or groceries or medicine or gifts, my financial choices must honor my Lord. This, too, can be difficult, but it's the only proper way, and the only option that brings peace and keeps me close to Christ.
Something else I need to emphasize: yes, God will provide for those who trust in Him, but His providence might not be in the way you expect. Even if He wills that you do go without much food for a while, or you can't afford your meds this week, there WILL be a God-given Good Reason for it all that you will be shown if you still trust in Him, actively. Again, I can attest to this. I have never gone without what I need when I put it in his hands. That time when I was starving? My church friends gave me plenty of food. That time I couldn't afford medicine? My family unexpectedly bought it for me. And I ever was to truly go without... there's a reason. Believe me. Another time I was forced to stop a medication because it was OTC and out of stock for weeks (they ultimately stopped carrying it). Turns out that med was badly exacerbating other symptoms, and my doctor told me to stop it anyway. I had no clue and was quite humbled. Another time I had to limit my diet for a while due to similar reasons. And again, later I discovered that those items had been aggravating my allergies-- something I only learned from doctors during that temporary shortage. I know these sound like silly examples but honestly I cannot understate how unfailingly faithful God has always been to me, a wretched sinner, when I flee to Him in terrified but trusting honesty. He is merciful. He also deserves all the honor and gratitude we can possibly give Him.
In short: tithe! God is the Source of all abundance-- so trust and honor Him as such! The power is in Him, not the money.
I struggle with this a lot, what with my mental illness. My sense of "is this wrong?" can be skewed by trauma, delusions, and compulsions, and mangled by fear & survival impulses. I want to do what is right, but the Bible doesn't list every possible quandary in the world... because ultimately moral discernment comes from the Holy Spirit, not logical obsession or terrified guessing. Seeking "signs" won't help when your mind is a mess.
In the end, Jesus is our truest friend, our greatest need, and our brightest joy. He is everything, and He is always there for us.
Life has been full of fear, misery, stress, and despair for me lately. But every time I step back from it all, even for a moment, and turn to Jesus… I find a peace, a hope, a love that infinitely surpasses every worry and pain of this life, and which sets my heart back towards heaven, where He is waiting for me at the end of it all. No matter what happens here, Jesus is the final destination. And that is the most beautiful reassurance I can ever imagine.
I needed to see this tonight. Thank you. ❤
“It may be objected: ‘Our Lord is enough for me. I have no need of her.’ But He needed her, whether we do or not.
And what is more important, Our Blessed Lord gave us His Mother as our Mother.”
God’s Incarnation is all about love shown through humility. The Creator of all did need a human woman, a mother, to both enter and live in this world among us… and He wanted to need her; God delighted in needing her to birth Him and raise Him and care for Him during His childhood. Christ, was fed and bathed and comforted and taught by this gracefully humble and loving woman. Christ, the Second Person of the Trinity, became utterly dependenton her for His own physical existence as a helpless baby boy. The sheer amount of surrendering love in that is incomprehensibly profound… and it’s at the very heart of this Christmas season.
Jesus needed Mary, and He loved to need her. To claim that we don’t need her is to completely miss the point. And that’s why Jesus gave her to us, just as the Father gave her to Him… as a mother, as someone we will always need, because we love her.
| c r o s s |
I draw closer, anticipating the familiar pang of loneliness and rejection. Yes his gaze is unwavering and he offers his Word as proof of his love for the meager, weak, and wounded (…) Gently and slowly, I am urged to leave the comfortable stillness of the hill and approach the knoll. I discover that which I am drawn to is not a shiny, idealistic, ornate symbol to kneel in front of and offer rote prayers. That which I ponder is knotted wood, jagged and splintering, a tool intended to ridicule and destroy and one on which he was willing to be lifted and hung. In this rawness is my answer: he does not flinch and does not flee. He gathers me in the shadow of his love and soothes the bruises and gashes my cross has delivered. He urges open clenched fists and assures me I am capable, loved, and worthy. For it is in the shadow of his cross on the knoll that he claims me || Jennifer Hubbard
Blessed Feast of the Triumph of the Cross ➕
“He has no stately form or majesty that we should look upon Him, nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him… But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, and by His scourging we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:2,5; NASB)
I think about this a lot, when I see crucifixes and other depictions of Our Lord that many may consider “ugly,” “poor,” or otherwise “nothing special.” It’s still Our Lord. When He was dying on the Cross, He looked incomparably worse than any artwork could portray Him, trust me… and that very awfulness of appearance, all blood and wounds and spittle and dust, is what accompanied the work of salvation. It was an integral part of it, in fact.
“That which I ponder is knotted wood, jagged and splintering, a tool intended to ridicule and destroy, and one on which he was willing to be lifted and hung. In this rawness is my answer: he does not flinch and does not flee.”
Let us never despise the ugliness of the Cross, physically or otherwise, for it has been transmuted into the greatest beauty, by the hidden yet ineffable glory of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
theriu: But the most important question of all, I think, is: What will I let Christ do through me?
Everything good in us comes from God. Everything we can do, will do, are doing, and have done for Him is only by the gift of His grace. Nevertheless, this is a gift of profound love, a sign of divine relationship, and so our hearts must always respond like this.
How can I use this gift of grace to glorify the Giver? How can I live more completely in love of God? How can I let Christ continue His work through me? How can I love Him today?
“It’s not about us earning His salvation, but about being a part of the great work He is already doing. He has set works out for us to do, and He is with us through them all.”
march 7th 2018: the day after we were mugged. the day we finally realized we weren't actually living after all.
THE REASON WHY WE CAME HOME SO FAST AFTER VISITING GRANDPA IS BECAUSE OLIVER MADE US LEAVE ALL OUR ARTWORK THERE WITH HIM. AS A "PROMISE" THAT WE WOULD COME BACK.
…
I want to sob forever at how stupid we were. But, finally, finally, I can forgive myself for leaving.
AND HEY GUESS WHAT I'M FINALLY GONNA COMMENT ON THIS.
from february 8th, 2019, "TBAS" online entry.
apparently we saved it to our computer because it hurt like hell and left it untouched.
well GOD KNOWS I WISH WE HAD BEEN LEFT UNTOUCHED, but that's the very reason why I'm about to spit bitter vitriol all over this garbage heap. so let's go.
"LC deleted their spotify account. Was wondering if they would."
YEAH BECAUSE IT WAS FULL OF VERY BAD MEMORIES, most notably ALL THE GARBAGE WE SHOVED IN THERE "OBLIGATORILY" BECAUSE OF YOU. it hurts so much to hear this said so casually. like mel when we were suicidal. "yeah we expected this, ho hum, life goes on." not realizing what such a huge deletion entails. no concern, no compassion. just "eh, it was bound to happen."
"Shame because they had hundreds of playlists, stuff for every single System member, but we saw this coming months ago and saved every one that was personally meaningful to us, so they’re all still there in our account."
THE SHEER ARROGANCE OF THAT STATEMENT HAS ME SEEING RED OH YEAH WE ONLY SAVED WHAT WAS MEANINGFUL TO US!!! NEVERMIND THE ACTUAL SOULS THAT INSPIRED THESE LISTS, NEVERMIND WHAT IT MEANT TO THEM, TO THEIR HEARTS, NOPE!!!!! WE;RE BLINDLY SAVING IT AND STICKING OUR OWN LABEL OVER IT, ERASING ALL ITS ORIGINAL MEANING, JUST LIKE YOU NEVER EXISTED, GOOD RIDDANCE !!!
THAT RIGHT THERE IS SOLID PROOF THAT THIS WAS ONLY EVER ABOUT YOU!!!!!
(why am I so angry)
this was only ever about you. I see that now. you only cared about your OWN personal relevance, not ours, because that's all that mattered to you, and that's why WE mangled our OWN musical preferences to ENTERTAIN YOU.
just so you could shrug "oh well" when we disappeared and keep everything that pleased you.
"Still with our own art as their icon. They’ll probably never use that one again, will they."
No! We won't! AND I HOPE YOU REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ACTUALLY FURIOUSAT THAT ARTWORK (even though we (cowards) never said sofor courtesy's sake) BECAUSE YOU UTTERLY DISREGARDED HOW WE ACTUALLY LOOKED, AGAIN, FOR YOUR OWN TWISTED PLEASURE. "artistic liberty" DON'T GIVE ME THAT JUNK. we were just so fawningly thrilled to have someone draw us that we didn't DARE speak up that IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE US. "take what you can get," even if it's not anything you need. even if it's no good for you. like drinking vinegar when you're dehydrated. like gorging on paper when you're starving to death, because someone sprinkled sugar on it. that was our whole life with you. it hurts so much to admit now, when the coast is clear, and we're no longer in danger. but we were drinking your saccharine toxins for too long.
"It’s just sad. Literally all they have left, I’m pretty sure, is their Aywas account. They have had that one since 2010 and I doubt they’ll delete it even now."
YOU UNDERESTIMATE OUR DETERMINATION TO ANNIHILATE ALL THE TRACES OF THIS HELL. also, WHAT KIND OF GALL IS THAT, TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW WE'LL ACT????? it's just like slc. just like it. "ONLY WE know the REAL you!!!!" "so let US dictate your life" basically. what is WRONG with you, what is wrong with US that we BELIEVED YOU and FELL FOR IT????
"Just, what’s the point of deleting everything?"
WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? WHY DOES ANYONE FORGET ANYTHING? WHY DO PEOPLE DISSOCIATE?WHY DO I HAVE A DISASTROUS MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE, ARE YOU THAT BLINDLY IGNORANT?????????
"We can guess, paranoia"
...looks like the answer is yes. i'm stunned.
honestly, you're projecting. hard. we're not paranoid, otherwise we wouldn't be keeping everything open and candid and public for years.
NO, WE'RE ASHAMED OF WHAT WE DID AND LET HAPPEN WHILE LIVING WITH YOU, AND WE WANT THAT HORRORERASED.
as for everything in the past, well… it all led to you. it was all garbage, in our eyes, all the delusions and selfish rambling and lies and heresies and nonsense. yes there was some gold in there. but I will never leave that out again for someone like you to rifle through and pickpocket at your own pleasure. go jump in a bloody lake. we erased everything because it was worth sacrificing the small good for the sake of protecting the huge good. it was worth deleting everything that could cause even more trauma, for the sake of protecting our personal history for our own sake alone.
"hyperreligiousness turning everything else into something that’s keeping you from doing your religion properly, etc..."
THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE, IS THE ONE THING ABOUT YOU THAT INFURIATES ME THE MOST.
the instant I did something that you didn't like, the response i'd get-- outright or with silent subtlety- was always, "OH IT'S YOUR RELIGION AGAIN." STOP ACTING LIKE OUR RELIGION WAS THE SOURCE OF OUR PROBLEMS, YOU PAGAN HYPOCRITE. JUST BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T OUR "IDOL" DIDN'T MEAN EVERY OTHER "GOD" WAS A CURSE.
"abrahamic religion is really good at turning anything it wants into something that’s “against god”. Anything."
SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEVER EXAMINED YOUR CORRODED CONSCIENCE.
"anything it wants." good lord. you are so completely deluded. so oblivious and thoughtless and foolish.
imagine this, that when we went home and took a GOOD HARD SANE CONSCIOUS LOOK at ALL THE WHITEWASHED-TOMB TRAUMA WE WENT THROUGH WITH YOU, FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU, ETC… we realized that YEAH, IT WASALL AGAINST GOD!!!
oh, no, you can't have that! you can't possibly be responsible in any way, for anything but the most wonderful results!! everything you do is pure and perfect and pleasant!! no, it "must just be your religion making 'what it wants into a sin'!!!!"
you know what the REAL reason is?
A HELL OF A LOT OF THINGS IN THIS WORLD ARE AGAINST GOD.
AND I TRAGICALLY COULDN'T SEE THAT WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH YOU BECAUSE IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE LITERALLY BAILED WITHIN FIVE SCREAMING SECONDS OF WALKING IN YOUR FRONT DOOR.
DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW WE WOULD ACT. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW OUR THOUGHTS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE WORST OF IT BECAUSE WE NEVER WROTE IT DOWN, FOR FEAR OF YOU.
"But really… would we be happier if they were still posting every single day about how much they hated us? No. We’re left in peace. We would be incapable of not reading their journal if they still posted every day like they used to."
I find this sadly ironic. "We're at peace!!!!" YEAH, AND THAT'S NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING.
We, also, kept visiting your journal periodically, to see what you wrote about us. But now that we can't, are we at peace? Are we happier? NO, HECK NO, BECAUSE NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION SO WE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOMEHOWFIX THIS.
Sounds like you didn't ever care about fixing ANYTHING.
"For a while they were just blaming us for everything wrong in their life, having nightmares about us every single night, and with good ol’ oneirataxia, unable to tell that the nightmares weren’t actually the truth of what happened with us. Or rather, blaming “NC”. But clearly blaming us for bringing them there. Ya know."
Listen, if you can't see how you blithely manipulated an emotionally fragile, people-pleasing, identity-shifting traumatized deluded idiot from Pennsylvania into BEING SO FRANTICALLY DESPERATE TO "BE YOUR FRIEND" THAT I WAS WILLING TO SAW MY OWN RIGHT ARM OFF AND FLY OUT TO NC JUST TO "PROVE I WAS NICE AND CARED ABOUT YOU" then you are even more deluded than I am.
"Blaming us for everything wrong in their life." Now that's hyperbole at its worst. You're not the cause of our sexual trauma, our eating disorder, our flashbacks, our dissociation, etc… BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU SURE AS HELL MADE IT A HELL OF A LOT WORSE.
So no, we're not shoving the blame onto you. We're CALLING YOU OUT FOR BEING DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SEVERELY EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS, WHICH-- AND GET THIS-- YOU EXPLICITLY KNEW ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME.
Oh, and absolutely pull the "you don't know what's really real!!!!" gasoline-fire card on us again, go right ahead!!!
WE KNOW THE NIGHTMARES AREN'T LITERALLY REAL, YOU BUFFOON. BUT GUESS WHAT??? WE ONLY HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS BECAUSE THERE WERE CERTAIN HORRIBLE THINGS THAT INEVITABLY GAVE US NIGHTMARES.
I am literally enraged at your willful ignorance here. "Good ol' oneirataxia" SHOVE OFF.You self-focused stooge.
What were our nightmares about? 1. Being stuck in NC and not being able to go home, which, like it or not, buddy, was the actual awful truth. Just because we were too fatally good at hiding our feelings UNTIL you went to work (at which point we unraveled into suicidal hell for twelve godforsaken hours) doesn't mean we WEREN'T ACTUALLY FEELING THOSE THINGS.
2. Sexual trauma. Oh we know you didn't "rape us." Those nightmares are very different. HOWEVER. You sure as hellpassively but insistently coerced us into rewriting our entire wreck of a personality TO APPEASE YOUR DESIRES because "I love you!!!!" (no you don't, not if that is how you see "love") you and that hellish fine print, "I have sex with the people I love!!!!!" YOU ONLY EVER WANTED TO F*CK US AND IT SENT US STRAIGHT TO HELL. WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST ANYONE WHO USES THAT DEMONIC WORD TO DESCRIBE """LOVE""""". NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN PLEASE I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THOSE WORDS EVER AGAIN I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LET YOU DO THAT TO US GOD FORGIVE ME BUT I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR BURNING THAT HELL INTO OUR LIFE
by which I mean, I hate myself for not punching you in the face the INSTANT you tried to touch us and taking the next plane home. why did i let you touch us. why did i give you the """benefit of the doubt""" that sent us into damnation. why did i ignore my own screaming conscience and deathtrap instincts, and act like a smiling ragdoll around you????
Do you remember the incident on the porch? Of course you don't, you hedonist. How you, for some absolutely inane cursed reason, wanted to """"touch us""""" (BURN IT ALL) so!!! we just laid back and took it. and we said "it's fine!" and you said "no this isn't """CONSENSUAL"""" so I'm going to stop" OH SO SUDDENLY IT IS """"CONSENSUAL"""" IF OUR "LYING BACK AND TAKING IT" IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE PROPER SMILES AND WORDS AND GESTURES AND SOUNDS AND MOTIONS???? SO IF WE'RE REALLY DAMN GOOD AT ACTING AND DISSOCIATING AND DOING WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT BECAUSE SAYING NO WASNOT A SAFE OPTION WITH YOU,YOU WHO TOLD US THAT OUR FAMILY HATED US AND WANTED TO KILL US AND THEREFORE YOU WOULD NEVER LET US GO BACK HOME EVEN THOUGH WE WANTED TO AND THEREFORE WE HAD TO STAY WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND UTTERLY ABSOLUTELY MINIMIZE EVERY TINY POSSIBLE THREAT OF OFFENDING YOU SO WE WOULDN'T END UP HOMELESS OR TERRIFIED OF BEING STUCK IN YOUR APARTMENT, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT--- IF WE'RE REALLY DISTURBINGLY GOOD AT APPEASING YOU BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TRAUMA SURVIVORS DO TO SURVIVE, THEN SUDDENLY IT'S """CONSENSUAL"""" BECAUSE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HOW YOU WANT IT TO??? EVEN IF THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT YOU??????????
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH Q, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH BP, EXCEPT YOU TOOK IT ALL THE WAY TO HELL AND LEFT US LOCKED IN THERE.
It's not "oneirataxia," it's not "good," and it sure isn't "old" in this case, thanks to you. The nightmares are the result of our poor traumatized subconscious trying desperately to process the sheer unbearable terror of the FACT that THAT HAPPENED.so we had nightmares. you weren't even fazed. we know it's not literal indiscernment. that's no freaking excuse for hand-waving the endless nightmares off entirely, for sanity's sake.
And what the heck do you mean by "or rather, 'blaming NC'?" we were using "NC" as a blanket term for everything that happened out there. would you rather we falsely tag YOU with everything? which, ironically, you seem to be complaining about anyway? why do you think we even used your "deadname" to refer to the trauma for so long??? WE WERE TRYING TO, EVEN NOW, COMFORT AND APPEASE YOU, BY NOT USING YOUR CHOSEN RESPECTED NAME IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE HORRIBLE THINGS WE REMEMBERED. WE WERE TRYING TO PRESERVE YOUR PERSONAL IDENTITY AS SOMETHING SEPARATE AND EVEN INNOCENT.
we know what it's like for other people to take your name, your heart's name, and mangle it like roadkill. we were trying to save you from that, even when-- like it or not-- YOU WERE THE CAUSE OF MOST OF WHAT DEVASTATED US. but we still cared. god help us we still DO care, otherwise WE WOULDN'TBE SO BLOODY ANGRY ABOUT THIS
this is all so frustrating. listen. you weren't directly responsible for a lot of things. that's a fact. HOWEVER. the simple, iron fact that YOU WERE WHAT WAS KEEPING US THERE means that, passively, all that terror still falls on your head. saying we're "having nightmares about NC" or "traumatized from NC" means, as a whole, that year or so with you screwed us up. it tore us to shreds. but even so, you aren't in every one of those situations. we went through a LOT of scary stuff in NC, a great deal of it by our own despairing and desperate hands. it's a blanket term. stop trying to defend your pride when all it's doing is making you look ridiculous.
"That is among the very worst parts of this whole situation. Knowing them, knowing their longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life, believing their dreams actually happened, and knowing that they have had nightmares every night for as long as we’ve known them… knowing the nightmares now feature us and knowing they almost certainly believe those nightmares were real and we did all the terrible things that happen in their dreams."
DON'T YOU DARE.YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US AND I CANNOT BELIEVE IT TOOK UNTIL NOW TO NOTICE.
"Our longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life." Tell me, Oliver. When has that ACTUALLY been a freaking problem???? HOW ABOUTNEVER????
The "oneirataxia" title for our dream journal isn't meant to be taken literally, you dunce. It's a reference to the fact that our dreams are so freakishly realistic that they BASICALLY feature as strongly and powerfully as LEGIT MEMORIES & FLASHBACKS. We know they didn't "physically occur" BUT as far as our mind is concerned THEY DID OCCUR ELSEWISE, and so yeah that does cause an oneirataxic "fear bleedover" into physical reality, BUT it DOESN'T MEAN "WE BELIEVE OUR DREAMS ACTUALLY HAPPENED" in the same level of reality you exist in. geez just how literal-minded are you when you want to be? no wonder you never realized how actually traumatized we were around you.
"you've had nightmares every night for as long as we've known them" oh come on that is SUCH HYPERBOLE, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT STORY???? First you actually reference our dream journal, and THEN you spew THIS JUNK????? HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY READ THE JOURNALS YOU CLAIMED TO "OBSESS OVER" FOR YEARS??????
You didn't literally do the "terrible things that happen in our dreams" (honestly it would be impossible, and thank GOD for that) and GUESS WHAT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE "TERRIBLE THINGS” ARE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T EVER POST THEM ONLINE, SO STOP ASSUMING THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU NARCISSISTIC LIBERTINE.
(no censoring. too much tortured rage bubbling up. why am I so angry)
"I’ve been thinking lately about how much they wrote in their journal, in October and November, about how hard they had to work not to hate us. Which, in LC-ese, meant, “I really, genuinely hate you and I feel guilty and scared about my hatred so I am going to try to pray it away.” Begging themselves not to hate us, for their own sake. Which, again, meant they did hate us. We know how their mind works."
OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That, that RIGHT THERE, is the SINGLE MOST INFURIATING SENTENCE YOU HAVE EVER WRITTEN ABOUT ANYTHING.
THAT SINGLE CURSED SENTENCE IS THE ENTIRE FREAKING REASON WHY WE PUT OURSELF THROUGH ACTUAL HELL WITH YOU FOR SO LONG.
because "you know how our mind works."
AND WE DON'T, RIGHT OLIVER??????????????
THAT'S PSYCHOEMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, FOR THE RECORD.
But to continue.
IT'S ALSO PROJECTION. It's almost comical for me to read this bit, except for that last sentence. It's so utterly ridiculous and ludicrous that I can barely believe you wrote it.
"Which, in LC-ese, meant"… you sound like such a CLOWN. "LC-ese." What the heck does that even mean. Do you genuinely think we need a freaking translator for this?? When we're angry and scared and hurt and HONEST? "LC-ese??" Like YOU'RE the genius linguist who, alone amidst the entire world, can TRULY understand what we mean? The arrogance is choking. Everything always comes back to you, doesn't it.
First off, that is absolutely not what we meant, and it is incredible that you jumped to that conclusion. "WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU" MEANS, QUITE LITERALLY, THAT WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU.
Problem is, back then, we didn't.
Now, we do.
Now your stupid translation DOES work, but GUESS WHAT? IF WE HAD FELT THIS WAY BACK THEN WE WOULD HAVE SAID SO.
Right now, it goes like this:
"I don't want to hate you, but God help me I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW."
Back then, it went like this:
"I don't want to hate you, but you are causing so much pain and fear and despair in my life that I can FEEL the real potential for hate bubbling up. I don't want that to happen."
THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTENTIAL AND ACTUALITY.
ALSO, SHOVE OFF WITH YOUR ASININE ANTI-RELIGIOUS GARBAGE.
Feeling "guilty and scared about hatred" is A GOOD THING.
"Trying to pray it away" IS A VERY GOOD THINGAND DON'T YOU DARE INSINUATE THAT IT'S JUST SOME SILLY PHRASE WORTHY OF MOCKERY.
Guess what? Right now I feel REAL, BOILING HOT, EVISCERATING, DRILLBITS-TO-THE-EYES ACTUAL LIVID HATRED towards you. The catch? It's not even towards you,when you get to the mangled, tangled, sobbing-furious-terrified roots of it.
I am SO PAINFULLY ANGRY because """"oliver"""""" is on twitter reblogging fanart of spinel and saying "MY CHILD" etc etc etc HOW BLIND ARE YOU, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SPINEL IS LITERALLY ME HOW COULD YOU LOVE HER AND HATE ME
YOU LOVE THE CONCEPT BUT YOU'D NEVER LIVE WITH HER. ADMIT IT. ADMIT IT BECAUSE YOU TRIED AND YOU LITERALLY HATED ME DIDN’T YOU
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE IDEALIZING ME SO HARD THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME WHEN YOU SEE ME ON SCREEN
ALL YOU DO IS DRIVEL ABOUT SEX AND QUEER GARBAGE AND "ETERNAL CHILD" SILLINESS AND "YAY HORMONES SECOND PUBERTY I'M A BOY NOW" STUPIDITY AND "MY BOYFRIEND IS HOT" INANITY WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU
IS THIS HOW YOU ALWAYS WERE AND I COULD JUST NEVER SEE IT?????
IT'S DISGUSTING
IT'S LITERALLY LOATHSOME
I HATE MYSELF FOR ONCE HAVING WANTED TO BE LIKE YOU
I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE YOU
LET ME STAY RED AND DAMAGED FOREVER I HATE THIS SHAMELESS DISASTER THAT YOU HAVE BECOME
I hate hating someone
I really do.
"is it millennial culture to grow up making incredibly sad and tortured OCs, and then, in your 20s or 30s, decide to give that sad old OC everything they ever wanted and make them finally be happy if it's the last thing you ever do" they reblogged on twitter.
WELL GUESS WHAT SOME OF US ARE STILL SPINEL.
why did we have "sad and tortured OCs"??? MAYBE BECAUSE WE WERE GOING THROUGH A LOT OF TRAUMA AND THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY WE COULD EXPRESS IT
DEEP DOWN WE WERE INCAPABLE OF EVEN IMAGINING REALITY AS SOMETHING LESS PAINFUL
now that we're older, why do we want them to be happy, BECAUSE WE'RE TIRED.
I literally just want to die so everything will be over and I can FINALLY be with God BUT!!!!!!!!!
IF I KEEP HATING """OLIVER""" SO MUCH I will never get in.
okay but im like IN LOVE WITH WHITE DIAMOND OKAY ;___________;
GHFSJHKJDS SHE'S LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOM
also whoopsy-daisy looks like I'm Spinel
Concerns about the SU "agenda" based on recent episodes + movie.
Mainly, family commentary.
-abusive vs loving = too much focus on lenience/tolerance?
-VILLIANIZING DISCIPLINE. Especially with how Pink was treated when she disobeyed, in light of my own childhood and how such discipline, for ME, was GENUINELY HELPFUL. See above point. Don't like the b&w "all rough discipline is bad" this show, and many people nowadays, are proclaiming. Want to talk about this more while respecting BOTH sides.
-Plus, the Diamonds are trying so hard to be better after literal EONS of unhealthy behavior, and the amount of progress they have made in two Earth years is STAGGERING and worthy of genuine praise BUT Steven is acting so fed up with them??? And I don't understand. It's like, if your mom did a poor job of raising you, but then you had a kid and suddenly she has a SECOND CHANCE to right her wrongs and wants to absolutely fawn over your grandchild, but you get bitter and say "no I want nothing to do with you anymore"???? Like that's what it seems like Steven is doing to the Diamonds and that is utterly incomprehensible to me. I don't like his attitude at ALL in that respect and I definitely need to reflect on that more.
realizing "did I dump oliver like rose dumped spinel?"
i want to say "not literally, no." yes, I gave warnings, I said I could not stay forever, etc. but what I didn't realize was that oliver REFUSED to believe those truths were true. he didn't WANT them to be true, so he denied them. and when I finally acted on them and left, it was a shock.
but. the bottom line is: I am still at fault. I didn't have the guts to say it straight. I flat-out LIED TO HIS FACE when, the night I left, I said "I'd be back in about three months." I think I tossed in a few "probably"s and such, but still. I knew I was NOT coming back. I didn't want to. but I was too chicken to say so. I knew oliver would have been devastated, and would have probably refused to let me leave. and maybe so I thought my cowardice was merciful. I gave him false hope, but I figured, it was better than a solid "I'm leaving and never returning, I want to forget all this, goodbye, it's over for good." i am entirely at fault. i left him with roses and didn't realize that i was still leaving him.
Still ABSOLUTELY STAGGERED by the fact that SPINEL IS LITERALLY LIKE MY GEMSONA PUT ON TV, WTF, I SUSPECTED THIS BUT NOT THAT ACCURATELY GEEZ
“God’s pursuit of you is always greater than your ability to wander away from him.”
Thank Him for this daily.
God, if you’ve gotta drag me back, then please do so. I am terrified of wandering away because I do and I’m so weak. But You are strong and won’t allow me to stay lost. Help me stay close to You, but when I stray… prove this quote with all Your might!!
“Everyone that is close to the Lord, the enemy attacks.”
The enemy attacks with hatred. Satan wants tomake us suffer if we draw close to God, as a vitriolic vengeance against his Creator, who he refuses to submit to and wants no one to submit to. Hence all the wiles and schemes to get people to rebel through sin, just like every devil did and does.
Stand strong in the faith. Satan is forever at war with God, and this world is the battlefield, and you will be wounded as long as you’re on the heavenly side of it. That’s nothing to worry about though. Christ was wounded more than anyone, and He now lives eternally! The devil cannot separate you from Christ, no matter how he tries, no matter how much you may bleed at his hateful hands. God is still victorious, and Christ is still at your side. So smile and endure with a peaceful, patient heart. You wouldn’t be a target if you weren’t marked for heaven.
“Are they not therefore foolish who, for momentary delights, bind themselves to so many perpetual evils?”
— St. Gregory
Every sin has consequences. Sin itself has the ultimate consequence of death. Sinful behavior rebels against God’s will and God’s love, and in choosing to sin– even if such behavior is “enjoyable” for a brief time– means choosing to distance ourselves ever further from God.
Sins add up. Every single one is a new link in the chain of worldly bondage. Break the chain! Forsake the momentary and choose the true– sacrifice delight and gain joy! Choose Christ and His perpetual Good– the only other option is endless wickedness.
“Even Death and Destruction hold no secrets from the Lord . How much more does he know the human heart!”
— Proverbs 15:11
This is so profound, and equally humbling. We humans don’t understand death and destruction at all. We theorize about it constantly– we study it, probe it, analyze it; we invent stories and myths about it, we are haunted by its dark reality. And yet God fully comprehends them both. We can’t even imagine! So indeed, how much more does He understand the baffling paradoxes of our hearts– how completely He understands our most confusing thoughts and complex feelings, our most troubling struggles and overwhelming concerns! All the dark places of our souls, all the shadows within us that terrify us… God knows it all, and He comprehends it.
This truth alone should motivate us all to seek His help all the more ardently in our daily trials. When we feel utterly lost and helpless, surrounded by death and destruction inside and out… then let us turn to God. He understands what’s going on, and He knows how to manage it, and He knows how to get through it, and if we ask Him, He will lovingly help us to do so.
'Commit this sin, and confess it afterwards.'Behold the deceitful artifice by which the devil has brought so many thousands of Christians to hell. -Saint Alphonsus Liguori
To sin with the intention to confess later actually corrupts the conscience– it fools the heart into thinking that sin has no consequences. But confession is nullified by such brazen thoughts. Confessing is only valid, and therefore only followed by absolution, if the confessor is truly sorry for their sin, and vows firmly to amend their life. In other words, contrition and conversion are mandatory aspects of Reconciliation. If you confess a sin and intend to commit it again, your confession becomes void. Similarly, if you willingly sin and use the possibility of confession as an excuse, or a “free pass,” you not only commit a sacrilege against the Sacrament, but you also numb and harden your own soul.
Don’t ever do anything that you even might have to confess after. Let that be your true litmus test– “if I do this, will I have to confess it?” If yes, then don’t do it; no excuses!! And don’t ever try to justify your sins. There IS no justification for sin to begin with! All sin deserves death; that’s the very nature of sin. You cannot alter that. The only justification any of us sinners can ever hope to have comes through Jesus Christ– and to willingly sin, once we know this fact, is a damnable offense.
Be careful!! Resist the devil, and stand strong in your faith!
Repentance is less about confessing how horrible you are and more about confessing how glorious Christ is.
Sean Smith
This wording is tricky. Yes, we ARE “horrible,” in that we’re all hopeless sinners without God. But there’s the light– with God, we have hope! And such is repentance. When we recognize that God is not only just, but merciful, and in His love He calls us TO repent, not out of self-loathing but out of love for Him, and sorrow for acting against love… then our repentance changes from “I’m a horrible person, I can’t stand myself, I have to change my ways or else” to “I’ve done horrible things but God still forgives me; I want to live in grateful honor of Him now.”
Repentance can only stick if it’s motivated by love of God, and driven by hope in Him. Otherwise it is just an empty striving against self-hatred.
no one is ever too broken to recover. whatever’s hurting you, depression, anxiety, trauma, eating disorders, rejection, you are never a lost cause, and you deserve to feel happy, and you can get there someday.
As someone struggling with all of those things, I really needed this hope tonight. Thank you.
I’m not a lost cause. God has kept me alive thus far; He will restore my soul as He sees fit. If anything is damaging my soul, hurting my heart, keeping me from Him… He will get rid of it. He will fix me in a way that glorifies Him. That’s all that matters and that’s all I want.
I’ve been broken but God can put me back together better. He can fill the fractures with gold. Someday, I hope He will deliver me from this mental illness hell. I pray He will. But until then let Him be my only strength. Perhaps that is the purpose of the waiting. Humility, trust, and compassion. So I pray for the grace to carry this cross in a way that glorifies Him. I will keep praying.
When we sin it doesn’t stop God from loving us. But sin does disrupt the relationship we have with God. So when you’re making the choice to sin or not, it’s not about whether or not God will hate you for it. It’s really about whether the choice to sin is more important than your relationship with God.
God hates the sin, not you. But sin pushes you away from Him. The very act of sinning turns our minds and hearts away from God, in focus and priority and worship, in every case. God will always love us and perpetually calls us to repent and return to Him, but sin deafens us, blinds us, numbs us by it’s very nature. You can feel it, literally, and it is both sickening and utterly terrifying.
So for heavens sakes PLEASE look at the gravity of temptation like this! “When you’re making the choice to sin or not.” It really IS that black and white. Either you’re honoring God, or you’re dishonoring Him. Either you’re acting out of love for God, or you’re acting in rebellion against God. Either you’re being kind and respectful and forgiving towards your neighbor, or you are being cruel and disrespectful and half-hearted towards them. There are only ever two choices and you CAN boil down everything you do, in genuine honesty, to be serving either God or the world… to be humility or pride… to be obedience or sin.
“Is your choice to sin more important than your relationship with God?” Because it really does boil down to just that. It’s just that simple, just that huge. It’s the choice between heaven and hell, on a daily basis. Choose wisely. It adds up, and one day, that tally WILL determine your permanent fate. You can’t claim to love God and then constantly trash your relationship. You can’t be His child and yet refuse to obey Him as your Father. You cannot choose to serve the world and then want to live in God’s kingdom. You must marry one or the other, as it were.
God must be the most important thing in our lives, and our every choice must reflect this priority. Think of the terror of losing Him by choosing hell, and let that motivate you to resist the devil at every turn.
God loves you. Honor and embrace that relationship. Choose Him.
“My son, don’t reject the Lord’s discipline, and don’t be angry when He corrects you. The Lord corrects the one He loves, just as a father corrects a child He cares about.”
— Proverbs 3:11-12
When God disciplines you, He’s just telling you that He loves you too much to leave you with your own foolishness that will destroy you in the end.
This is why humility is required for holiness– to accept and apply the Lord’s discipline, we must be willing and able to admit that we’re fools. We make really foolish choices, we constantly end up tangled in the consequences of those choices, and inevitably we all find ourselves crying out to God, scared and helpless and ashamed and contrite, begging for mercy and deliverance, aware of and full of regret for our ignorance and folly.
All of that pain could have been avoided if we had just obeyed God in the first place.
That’s why He is, quite honestly, unflinchingly adamant and firm in His corrections. God knows how easily we fall, and how dangerous sin is, and how rampant temptation is. Satan is waging war against us, cruel and conniving. So God cannot afford to be lax in His discipline– just like training soldiers, that discipline will ultimately make the difference between life and death on the spiritual battlefield.
God loves you dearly. He is your Father, and you are His utterly beloved child. He will not take any chances with keeping you safe, and He will constantly look for ways to strengthen and instruct you in holiness, so that you continue to grow. We all start life as foolish children, but foolishness is not an inherently damning quality. It’s just a starting point. But we mustn’t stay there, or we’re easy targets for the devil and his attacks. We must move on from foolishness, and only God can show us the way… for as Scripture tells us, to fear the Lord– to honor and respect and rightly tremble at His unfathomable power and knowledge and love– is the first step on the way to wisdom.
God will free you from your fatal foolishness, if you let Him. So joyfully, gratefully accept and obey your corrections. The pain of regret lasts a lot longer than the pain of discipline, and brings only misery. But correction is a pruning of our souls, and in the end, it will make us radiant and thriving. Take heart; you are loved!!
Indeed, God uses the brokenness of people to help someone in ways that they could not even imagine.
Today my struggle with mental illness had me in tears, as I feel it hinders me from doing so much for my church and my faith. I couldn’t imagine why God gave me this humiliating, frustrating, limiting cross. But He gave it. And I might never understand. All I’m called to do is live according to His Word and His Will as completely as I can, even if I am hindered in many ways. God will still use this brokenness for His glory, somehow, some way. I must have hope in that; I must be brave and persistent in faith. Otherwise despair will kill me.
God uses the broken and humble, not the proud and powerful. If my mental illness is able to make me what God wants me to be, then so be it. I’ll trust in Him. God just grant me the grace to turn to You in my weakness, always. Use me and my crosses for Your greater good, please. That’s all I’ll ever want.
Be real with God, even if it’s ugly. Lay it down at His feet.
Be real with God, ESPECIALLY if it’s ugly! He alone will not condemn you for your honesty in such an awful matter– instead, in your humble confession, in your surrender to His mercy, He will show you mercy.
God already knows. God knows it’s ugly and He knows it hurts and He knows you are ashamed and afraid and would rather deny that ugly thing than admit that it exists, so blatantly and regretfully, in your life. He knows, so don’t hide. Surrender, and you will find peace at last. Open up, show it to Him, and then let Him heal you of that ugliness, however He wishes to. Give it to God, don’t take it back, and watch Him work miracles in your life.
The sin that is most destructive in your life right now is the one you are most defensive about.
Tim Keller
We defend those sins because, in one way or another, we want to commit them. We fear letting them go– we fear living without them, fear the vast freedom Christ calls us to. We are so used to living in our little jails that we consider them ‘comfy’ and familiar…and forget how beautiful true life is outside of them– we forget that Christ is infinitely better.
The very act of defending a sin makes it the most destructive– because that means it has its hooks in our hearts, and it will eat us alive if we continue to keep it in such close company. Make the courageous choice to surrender, to NOT defend it, even just once– to instead admit you are afraid, and addicted, and weak, and in need of repentance and salvation– choose humility instead of pride, and watch the shackles begin to fall, by the grace of God.
If you want to love Jesus, you have to stop degrading yourself and seeing yourself as some sexual object or tool for someone to want or use because you’re worth more than that. Jesus purchased you with His life, so that you could belong to only Him.
As someone recovering from years of nightmarish sexual sin, trauma, and toxicity, I need to be reminded of this constantly.
I am not an object, I am not a toy, I am not a pet or a plaything or a pleasure cruise. I am not a consumable object. I do not exist to entertain those who “love” me for what I can do for them.
I belong to Christ. I was created for Christ. I will live for Christ, and no one else. If I am worth anything, it is only through Christ… and He has called me to be His beloved child. That is more than the entire world can ever offer… and it also means I am worth more to God than I can ever imagine.
Jesus loves me, and sees the truth in me. If I want to truly love Him in return, I must accept His love for me, or else my sin-twisted feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred will push me away from Him… and will make me treat myself abusively in turn. Imagine how that hurts Him– He who died for love of me, to purge those terrors from me, to make me whole and wholly His own– to see me treating myself so unkindly! If I say I love Him, I must not hurt Him… and if I hurt someone He loves, it hurts Him terribly.
I am someone He loves.
Remember that always.
“Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there, but all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature of fallen men, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that. I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless! Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, ‘That’s meaningless!’ It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”
So many people take offense to the truth that “everything happens for a reason,” but this quote expands upon that truth powerfully.
Everything that we experience in our lives comes from the will of God, either directly or through allowance. God is not directly responsible for the evil deeds of humans, but He does allow them the free will to choose evil… and then, He opens doors for His Glory to be proclaimed in beautiful victory over that evil. Good will always prevail in the end, for God is forever victorious. But to share in His victory now, we MUST face our sufferings with trust in God and His Good Purposes, or we will drown in confused blind despair.
In the end, all our mortal pains will be as dust in His hands. He will wipe our tears away and welcome us into the everlasting joy of His Kingdom, of His Presence. Trust Him now… for this is not the end of the story. Even if we don’t understand, we have faith in Him, and we use every experience to grow closer to Him until we finally meet Him face to face. Do not lose heart.
Today I just realized again that all I need is God. No matter what happens, he is there to catch me. He is there - with his love, strength, peace, faithfulness, holiness - I can’t describe how beautiful it is to live in his presence. I can’t describe how thankful I am to have him and to belong to him. The moment I step out of his presence I am lost. But thank God, my shepherd always knows where to find me. I love you Jesus.
cheeryblueheart: Amen. I needed to Read this today. I don’t want to exist Outside of Christ.
I don’t ever want to exist outside of Christ, either… and by His Grace, I pray that I never ever will. Outside of Christ it is literally hell.
And that is the paradox of this life. Truly, we cannot exist outside of Christ– but in this fallen world, it can sure feel like we do. Sin distances us from Christ, giving us a real taste of Hell, and of its horrifying existential emptiness and terror. But when we have been burnt by sin’s flames, and chilled by sin’s desolation, we are blessed beyond comprehension to have, in this mortal life, the chance to turn around and run back Home… to step back into the Presence of God, of our Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ, who is waiting for us with open arms of eternal love… and who, indeed, is always closer than we think, even in the depths of our misery.
No matter what happens, Jesus is there. He holds us close to His Heart, and we belong to Him forever. The Father gave us to Him and nothing can take us out of His arms. (John 10:29)
I, too, am grateful to the point of tears that God is always there, that I belong to Him, and that with Him I am never lost. He is all I have, all I could ever want, and all that I will ever need, forever.
“If God gives you a few more years, remember, it is not yours. Your time must honor God, your home must honor God, your activity must honor God, and everything you do must honor God.” -A.W. Tozer
As someone in recovery from both serious trauma and serious sin, this is vitally important.
Everything I do must honor God. This is only right and just– He could have let me rot and die in my brazen sins. But He didn’t– He mercifully and powerfully saved me. Not only that, but I still haven’t died from my own stupidity, and that is due to His good grace alone. The simple fact that God has me held so completely in His hands, is astounding. I’m humbled and struck by holy fear. In recognition of that, there is only one thing I want… and that is, indeed, to praise and thank and honor Him, admitting my sinful frailty and begging for the mercy to continue to repent and serve Him.
God, give me the grace, for Your sake!!
"The devil attacks some people more and others less. We can never know how dramatic the situation in each person's heart may be... It's amazing how we can disguise our passions as virtues..."
We must never make excuses for our own sins. We must never try to justify our failings. We must never look at our struggles with sin and try to stick a proud label onto it. So we might not share a certain temptation or sinful inclination or weakness with our fellow in faith. So what? They do not share many of ours either. But we both struggle, and we are both sinners. There is no merit or praise to be had here. We cannot pretend that the devil’s decisions are any credit to us. He attacks us all– we have no right or reason to judge others based on the percieved manner or frequency of such warfare.
In short: be humble. Your neighbor is still fighting the devil. Have mercy. God forbid you condemn them for “being more tempted than you,” only to suddenly face more temptations than ever! Humble yourself or you will be humbled… and for the proud, the process will be humiliating.
inchrist: The hardest thing about living a Christian life isn’t going to church, praying, receiving the sacraments, or reading scripture. It’s learning to forgive those who made your life hell and dissolving the grudge you hold against them.
dragonpuppies: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” is one of those things a lot of Christians get told as a kid and never really think about, which is a shame because when you do think about it, it’s the most flooring, impossible, life-altering command.
caffeinatedcatholic: During my very first confession about a month before my confirmation, I told my priest about my grandfather, who was a protestant pastor and a pedophile who molested me all through my childhood, and about all the anger and sinful habits that resulted from it.
My confessor is such a kind a thoughtful priest and I love him, but the penance he gave me was the hardest I’ve ever ever done.
He told me to say 3 Our Fathers for my grandfather. My grandfather died shortly after I came forward about the abuse, of a heart attack. My priest said it doesn’t matter that he’s dead. It doesn’t matter that he’s probably in hell, it doesn’t matter where he is in the afterlife at all. Because my penance is for me, for my healing.
We don’t pray bc God needs to hear us say certain things, we don’t even pray for His benefit at all. It’s for ours. It’s for our healing, for our reconciliation, for us to draw our spirits close to His.
My priest told me, “Pray for him. Especially where the Our Father says, ‘And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.’ Your prayer won’t affect your grandfather, wherever he is, and it doesn’t need to. Your penance is for you, to help you let go and forgive.”
It took me an hour to say my penance. I was shaking with anger and fear and resentment, with the ache of longing to let it go. Especially since I spent a majority of my childhood praying and begging God to let him be in hell bc if he was somehow in heaven, I didn’t want to go.
And I finally did my penance and honestly nothing magical happened. It hurt a lot. I still try to pray for him and it still goes against everything in me. It’s a lot of work. But little by little I’m letting go, and it’s one less thing that I have to drag around with me every day.
Praying for your persecutors, your abusers, it’s freaking hard. And obviously not everyone is in the same situation as me and praying for your persecutors may actually also help them and be a turning point in their lives. Or it might not do anything for them. We dont know God’s will for their lives or the states of their hearts. But we know God wants us to give up our hate. Praying for your enemies will soften your heart, it makes you humble and lighter and kinder. Praying for your enemies is a conversion. Deny yourself.
This is such an important addition; thank you sincerely for sharing.
Our prayers and penance cannot change the past. Nor can it change the hearts of our enemies– only God can do that. But sincerely praying for them absolutely changes our hearts. It completely shifts the focus of our thoughts and emotions, rerouting us to humility and faith and mercy, instead of being stuck in lethal hardness and bitterness. God demands that His children strive to live in obedience to Him, and in honor to Him, and we cannot do either of those things by holding on to hatred.
“Praying for your enemies is a conversion.” We must remember this. God will heal our hearts, if we meet Him there. However long it takes, no word is wasted, if it springs from faith and humility.
And above all, remember Christ, who died for us while we were still absolutely degenerate sinners, so that we could be absolved and forgiven and restored to friendship with Him. Remember this, this love that He has for you AND your abuser, this great desire He has to save and absolve BOTH your souls. You cannot save your abuser, but Christ can, and your praying to forgive them is going to help your salvation too… because it is helping realign your heart to imitate Christ’s. We’ve all sinned, we all deserve just punishment, but Christ offers mercy. Remember this, and humbly pray for your enemies. See their souls as separate from their sins– forgiveness does not justify their behavior, but it does allow for the possibility of change, even if only in your mind, from a toxic person to a healthy one. See that hope, even if they are no longer alive. Pray for mercy for them. Pray for the grace to will the best for them. Pray as Christ wants us to pray– for God’s will to be done, but also to forgive and be forgiven in turn. And in all this, Christ will teach you to honestly love all. I’m sure.
I apologize if this is rambling. My heart is just moved very strongly about all this.
inchrist: The hardest thing about living a Christian life isn’t going to church, praying, receiving the sacraments, or reading scripture. It’s learning to forgive those who made your life hell and dissolving the grudge you hold against them.
dragonpuppies: “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” is one of those things a lot of Christians get told as a kid and never really think about, which is a shame because when you do think about it, it’s the most flooring, impossible, life-altering command.
everlastinglyanna: And when you do it, despite how you might be burning on the inside or really don’t feel like it, God begins to change your heart. It’s beautiful. This helps us to obtain true charity. And get this, Proverbs 25:21-22 lets us know that if we serve our enemies or do good to them, it will be as heaping “coals of fire upon their head.” So not only does your heart begin to change, but apparently theirs does too!
I’ve been struggling with forgiving a very toxic friend lately– difficult because not only can she cannot comprehend or admit that she harmed me so devastatingly, but also because she afterward spitefully refused to even consider the thought and instead declared that she would perpetuate such behavior. I’ve never felt such bitter pain and regret and sorrow and rage in my entire life and it’s terrifying. Literally all I can do is pray. I still love my friend but I hate what she did and is doing and that hatred is suffocating me. All I can do is pray, that my heart be softened to genuine mercy and forgiveness… and that my friend and I both will be brought ever closer to God through contrition.
It really is difficult– it often feels frighteningly impossible. But God can do anything, including changing my heart to follow His command of divinely merciful love. And God, I do beg you for the grace.
“The most beautiful creed we pronounce is the one we pronounce in our hour of darkness.”
— Padre Pio (1887 – 1968)
When we are tested to our very limits, when the storms of life batter us to the brink, then the strength and foundation of our faith is revealed. The creed we pronounce when we have every reason to doubt and rage and abandon ship, the creed we steadfastly proclaim with the last ounce of hope in our heart… that is the one that carries diamonds, that holds the most graceful truth.
“Nothing is due to me. I am not a miracle worker. Left to my own devices, I can do nothing but sin.”
St. Pio of Pietrelcina
The fact that Saint Padre Pio said this is both shocking and humbly reassuring– as a sinner who is devastated by their own horrific iniquity, knowing that even the saints were well aware that “everything good in me comes from God alone” gives me hope. Left to my own devices I am an absolute abomination. But my weak and wrecked nature is not a solid sentence of hell, if only God’s grace intervenes on my behalf. Maybe one day I too can become a saint through God’s salvific and sovereign power. That gives me great hope. And so I pray.
Grace alone has preserved my life. Grace alone will keep me alive today. Grace alone will grant me a future. Everything, past present and future, is from God.
“We know that when He shall appear, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. That is the end; there perpetual praising, there Alleluia always without fail.” —St. Augustine (Homily 10 on the First Epistle of John)
This most blessed and glorious hope moves me to tears and is often the only thing getting me through the day. In the end, in the gracious end, there is only God and love of Him, forever!
“When your body is injured, do you know what you body immediately does to heal itself? Blood aggressively moves towards the injury. Your body reveals the nature of God; wherever there is sin, here comes aggressive forgiveness of His Blood.”
— Pastor Judah Smith
This is such an eye-opening realization… it changes the way we look at sin. Sin is injury– it is soul damage! And without the Blood of Christ, it cannot heal. We need the blessedly aggressive forgiveness of Jesus’s atonement as much as we need literal blood in our veins… and our hearts need Him just as much.
Take heart; Jesus has overcome the world! John 16:33
[We are often told that "The battle is over; the victory is won."] No, the WAR has already been won, but the BATTLES continue. This is how we participate in Christ’s victory. @strategic-social-media
Amen to this. Spiritual warfare is real and will continue until Christ’s return in final victory. But no matter how many battlefields we must brave in the meantime, God is triumphant over it all, and sin IS defeated… just outside of our personal time. Sin refuses to accept this fact and so it fights bitterly, rebelliously, vengefully. But have hope, have faith, and soldier on! Christ is with us– still and always. And He will continue to overcome this world, as long as it continues to oppose Him. Take heart!
I met God, Who slowly, painfully, and divinely pieced me back together.
Sin tore me to shreds, but God picked me up– powerfully, but gently. Putting me back together would take a great deal of time… understandably, considering how delicate and careful the process was (and is). To rush would have been not only disrespectful, but also disastrous. I am grateful for the mending, but I cannot deny the pain– sewing torn skin and soul, setting cracked bones and being, soothing shocked head and heart. I still ache; I still have flashbacks and nightmares, illness and sickness. But I am safe now. I am, through His divine love, whole now. No longer am I ripping out parts of my spirit and handing them out to greedy wolves who believed they were just “misunderstood sheep.” Their ravenous appetites swore otherwise. And my Shepherd knew the truth, and He found me, and He delivered me into the sanctuary of His arms… where I wish to remain for the rest of my life, all the more healed and happy and holy each morning.
I met God, who saved me from myself, and now I joyfully live for Him. All glory, honor, and praise be to The Lord!!
Believing the right things about Jesus isn’t enough. You’re not adopted as God’s child until you confess and turn away from your wrongdoing and receive the freely offered gift of forgiveness and eternal life that Jesus purchased with his death on the cross. Until you do that, you’ll always be on the outside looking in.
Lee Strobel
Always remember James 2:19… “You believe that there is one God. You do well. Even the demons believe—and tremble!” In this we realize, strikingly, that believing the truth does not mandate obedience to it, or even respect for it! Demons believe, but then they oppose– they attack, they rebel, they scorn, they desecrate. But they still quake in terror at the truth. That does not make them holy. Similarly, no amount of belief or acknowledgement of truth on our part can make us a child of God… for a child not only believes his parents, but obeys and respects and loves them also– with humility!! A good child knows he is not greater or wiser than his father and he honors that difference in wisdom. And so we do this by confessing our Father’s infinite wisdom and righteousness, confessing our own sinfulness and foolishness before Him, and gratefully accepting the salvation from such a state that ONLY God can give, and has given, through His Son. No devil will ever, or can ever, do any of those three steps. A demon has no honor of God, no humility of heart, and no salvation. So yes, you do well to believe… but you must live that belief, for faith without works is dead!
“The only really practical type of a rebellion is that which is also a repentance. All real reform springs from this sense of something wrong, not only in our surroundings, but in ourselves.”
— G.K. Chesterton
To rebel without repentance is to rebel in pride; it is an offensive act against something outside of us that we disagree with or detest, while maintaining our own “righteousness.” It is, in essence, a refusal to see oneself as blameworthy or mistaken. This is a dangerous act that fuels arrogance and sinful selfishness, and crushes the capacity for humility and spiritual growth.
However, to rebel with repentance is something I never even considered until now. It means that the disagreement and disgust is with ourselves– it means that the thing we wish to stand against and act in opposition to is in us, not just outside us– it means that we recognize that the roots of the illness in society spring from our own souls, not the other way around.
Rebellion of the virtuous sort therefore requires serious courage, as it first requires that we actively take a stand against our own selfish impulses. To see, admit, and then oppose our own sinful inclinations is mandatory for holiness but it is also very difficult– Scripture itself attests to this (Galatians 5:17)!
Ultimately I think we can best grasp the gravity of this distinction by reviewing the root definition of “rebellion”… which is “war waged against a government by some portion of its subjects.” Which spiritual government are you rebelling against? Are you rebelling against the gentle yoke of Christ, preferring the seductive snares of sin? Or are you rebelling against the heavy chains of the flesh, choosing instead to follow Christ to true freedom? You cannot serve two masters, but ultimately you will serve one.
Make sure your soul is being governed by God… and if it’s not? Then repent, rebel, and reform.
“If anything, let your pain be the passion for your prayer.”
— p.j. {1 Thessalonians 5:17}
Frequently, the pain is so overwhelming it makes formal prayer difficult, and this is both horrible and terrifying. So when it’s that bad, don’t despair! Pour out your heart to God in the pain, as the pain. If words aren’t possible, then speak in feelings. Ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for you, to give you the grace to pray somehow, so that your suffering never drives you away from God… even if all you can do is cling to His pierced feet and weep. Hold on to Him with every ounce of strength you have. This is prayer.
We no longer suffer from “suffering” when we recognize and embrace it all as God’s loving will for us. This is one of the dearest, most beautiful blessings of God’s grace to us as His Children. ❤
- how often you go to church / pray / read Scriptures - your good works - how “spiritual” or “religious” you are - the faith of your family members / friends
What will save you :
- Romans 10:9-10, “that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”
Lets get the idea out of our heads that our religiosity is what saves us. It’s a bold statement, but I say it with full confidence: Jesus saves you, and that’s it. Everything else comes after, and is needed for spiritual growth, but like I said… it comes after! Don’t get caught up in trying to do this thing, or that thing, or be this person, or that person. Once He changes your heart, your desires change too, and TRUST ME, He will transform you into who you’re supposed to be if you let Him take over your life! Over time you’ll develop spiritual discipline that will lead you to pray, go to church, read Scriptures, carry out good works, etc. But those don’t save you, and our God is more concerned with your heart than all of those things!
Everything else comes after. That is such a powerful hope, such a joyful truth. I can attest to that with my whole heart. Jesus WILL transform you if you surrender to Him with love! It takes time but it’s beautiful time, even when it’s scary, even when it hurts, because through it all you know that it is ALL drawing you closer to Him. Obedience to God practically guarantees persecution and suffering in this world, but those trials are like dust compared to the ultimate end our obedience points to– life in Christ, forever.
And that’s what saves us… Christ’s love, Christ’s mercy, Christ’s power, Christ’s cross. He changes us and we no longer have to struggle in fear to “do good or else,” because once we life for Him, doing good is no longer a challenge of our weak wills, but it becomes a loving response to God’s love. Our good works bloom FROM our faith, as effortlessly as flowers, but requiring the same amount of time and effort, too. It’s a glorious paradox. But in the end, I must reiterate, those works are NOT what save us– they come after we are already saved, through faith in our Savior.
Faith makes Christ the new center of our lives, instead of the world. Spiritual growth comes from becoming part of the True Vine, from whom all good things flow. Prayer and fasting and sacrifice and all sorts of Christian activities will eventually become our joyful nature, not a hard decision. Have faith. God will change your heart to resemble His, more every day. He does all the hard work. All we have to do is truly believe in Him, through His Son, and the Spirit will carry us through the rest of this life, through happiness and horror, through peace and pain, until we reach the doors of death and meet our Father at last.
No matter what you do or don’t do, it won’t save you. Paradoxically, because Christ alone saves us, your works or lack thereof won’t damn you, either… because once you have faith, you will do works. It‘s the inevitable result of a changed heart. You’ll no longer worry about “being enough,” because Christ is enough, and living for Him becomes a fearless act of love, instead of a chore.
Faith comes first. Everything else comes after.
God says: I closed off all easy roads leading to Me. But I am reachable, if you're willing to go the extra mile.
Matthew 7:14. “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Jeremiah 29:13. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
God is always reachable, but we must prove our pure intentions in seeking Him out. No casually curious souls will be granted access. The road to God is difficult but this is a testament to His glory– only those willing to be made worthy through faithful endurance of its trials will make it through that extra mile.
But we can. God wants us to seek and find Him. And He rejoices in our steadfast pursuit of Him. So forget the easy roads– they may seem pleasant at first but they’re all dead ends. Choose the roughest road– the road of the Cross– for only that road leads to heaven.
“You didn’t find Jesus, He found you. He wasn’t lost, you were.”
— Matt Chandler
You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you!
—Jesus
This is an important truth to humbly remember when we inevitably struggle in our faith lives. We may be terribly lost, unsure how to find God again, too weak to properly choose the right things… but God is seeking us always, choosing us again and again, giving us the Grace needed to live in Him anew every morning… if we admit that we are lost, weak, and confused. If we deny our state of lack and sin, we cannot be found, strengthened, corrected, or led.
But, if and when we remember that our salvation is of Christ and ONLY of Christ, by His will and power, and not by any speck of our own merit… then, in all grateful humility, we allow ourselves to be found… we allow ourselves to be chosen, and then, we can choose Him, too.
“AT THE END OF A DAY, I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK AND SAY, { MY HEART LOOKS LIKE YOURS JESUS.}”
Crowned with thorns of humility, pierced with a lance of persecution, and afire with love for humanity.
Seriously though. Our hearts must imitate both Christ’s love and His suffering, for the two are forever intertwined. His love was the most powerfully proved by His suffering, after all– that’s why we have the Cross!
Sometimes I don’t need to understand…
just trust in the Lord.
Trust creates peace.
We humans understand so little the way it is. How could we ever trust God if we demanded to understand Him first? By His very nature, He is unfathomable! His ways are infinitely above our ways. But His ways are also always good. So what does it matter if we don’t understand? We know the bottom line. God is trustworthy. So trust Him.
This, indeed, grants our hearts an equally unfathomable peace.
When a church changes their values to match current culture, they're no longer following the Bible, they're following the lost.
God never changes. His Word is whole and true for eternity. There is never any reason for His church to mutate itself to match a fickle, shifting, fading culture. We must instead stand strong as a bulwark of truth amidst the whirling winds of the world.
“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue.”
— Proverbs 11:12
All our words should be edifying, honest, and merciful. True judgment is accompanied by compassion and humility. It does no good to deride anyone.
Christians are guilty of telling more lies to God on Sundays than on any other day. You know why? Because it is on Sundays that they sing so many hymns - such as, “All to Jesus I surrender”, “Take my silver and my gold, not a mite would I withhold”, etc.
You may sing those words because they’re in the hymnbook. But you don’t mean them. And you don’t realize that you’re speaking directly to God when you sing such hymns. Maybe you are more conscious of the tune than of the words. That’s when you tell lies to God.
Jesus said that we would have to give an account to God in the day of judgment for every careless word that we spoke (Matthew 12:36).
-Zac Poonen“God Centred Praying”
Especially in church, every single word we say must come from our heart in both frank sincerity and solemn awareness of the binding quality of words. If you say something mindlessly or automatically, where is the honor in your words? Where is their value?
I am a cantor at my church and I am often left in tears and trembling from what I sing in those hymns. God knows I mean every word, for His glory and for His love, and I pray with every breath that He grants me the grace I so dearly need to keep those promises and confessions.
But I am very aware how deadly a careless hymn is to the soul. It is just as lethal as hollow prayer, for hymns are indeed just prayers set to music– and in both, we must be fully and humbly aware of Who is listening. He knows your heart, and whether or not it is in your words. So be honest. Mean what you sing. And if you cannot sing with sincerity, then seriously pray about that. But don’t ever sing emptily.
I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. (NLT) -Ezekiel 34:12
God considers each of His children to be a lost sheep. We are all prone to wandering away from Him, lured by the shallow enticements of the world, and ultimately ending up terribly lost, sometimes to the point of losing hope. But fear not! As one of His precious sheep, He will seek you out and find you to bring you back to His flock. Oh, how much He loves you, to ensure that you do not get lost along the way! You are too important for Him to overlook, and you should never doubt that. He is your Good Shepherd.
If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. (NLT) -Matthew 10:39
The emphasis here is not on losing your life and all of your possessions, but rather on turning your focus away from those possessions. We sometimes lose sight of the important things in life: such as strengthening the bond with your parents or mending wounds with friends. God calls us to love both our neighbors and our enemies, so by focusing on building Godly relationships, we honor Him. Maybe it has been a long time since you shared a special moment with your brothers or sisters, let alone a special moment with God. We become so busy in life that our priorities can be flipped upside down, and that is truly “losing” our life. Without God and neighbor taking priority over stuff and status, our lives will become living deaths. We must change our way of thinking and prioritize in a healthy and Godly way by putting God, our spouse, and our family first.
Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. (NLT) -Ephesians 3:17
When you place your faith in God and trust that His plans for you are better than you can imagine, Christ will send the Holy Spirit to you. Through prayer and daily reading of the Bible, a relationship will grow. This relationship is unlike any other, and it will sharpen you to constantly grow to be more like Christ. Stay rooted in God’s love, and focus on strengthening your loving relationship with Him daily.
“And suddenly I realized that every single thing in my life is fleeting, and that only God is eternal.”
sad and yet gloriously sweet realization…
“This too shall pass.” Every earthly joy and sorrow will fade. But if we anchor our lives on God, our true joy and true life, not even the passing away of this entire world will shake us, for our hope is in Heaven with the Lord of Eternity.
Even on my darkest and twistiest of days, God is still there. No matter how hollow my chest feels or how heavy my bones are, He is there always whispering encouragement.
“Keep pushing. I’m not done yet.”
God isn’t done with you, so never give up. Our strength isn’t what matters here– God’s strength is. So no matter how weak, helpless, tired, scared, or useless we may feel, that doesn’t matter– God will carry us through for His sake, by His will, and God is unstoppable. If we cling to Him in obedient faith and ardent hope, we will share in the joy of His victory over death in our lives, by the grace of Christ.
Keep pushing– God will give you the strength. He isn’t done, so don’t be afraid. Until the very end and beyond, He is with you… and in this loving trust, not even the end can scare you.
Don't forget God when you get what you prayed for.
God isn’t a vending machine! God is the CREATOR, the Giver and Maker of All! When He gives you what you pray for, it is because He wills it, and He is glorified in the giving– God owns all things and gives them to His children as He chooses. So humbly remember this when you receive such gifts. Thank Him for His generous goodness, and His loving mercy in answering you so!
pray even when the waters are calm
especially when the waters are calm
When the waters are calm, we can see all the way to the bottom. There are a lot of terrible things hiding down there, trust me. Just because they aren’t moving right now doesn’t mean they’re out of the picture. One day again they shall turn the seas into a maelstrom. So when the waters are calm, it’s the best time to reflect on just how much we have been delivered from, and just how blessed we are to have hope in Christ, who alone calms the waters, no matter how severe the storm.
Pray then, pray now, pray always. Prayer is praise and love and wonder and awe and humility and sorrow and pleading and gratitude. Prayer is the heart speaking to God in any and all circumstances. Pray in tough times, pray in tranquil times. Never stop, because you always need it… for you always need God.
Do what makes you happy holy.
Holiness is true happiness-- and we will never be happy if we are not striving to be holy first!
"Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face." -Ronald Reagan
The bottom line: put God first in all things. Obey and honor Him as your first priority– the answers you seek will naturally follow.
"It is not a matter of time so much as a matter of heart; if you have the heart to pray, you will find the time." -Charles Spurgeon
Time is a sacrifice too, and a precious one– we never know if this is our final hour. And yet, blessed irony, this truth of temporality should move us all the more strongly to offer every moment to God!
Furthermore, we give our time most naturally to what we love… to what our hearts deem worthy of attention, of worship. If God does not hold the highest place– nay, the only place– on that list, you must fix your priorities. If you truly love God above all else, you will make time for Him, even in your most potent stress, even in your most heavy fatigue, even in the face of death.
If you have the heart to pray, no excuse will ever prevent you from praying.
"Blessed, however, are those who’ve managed to simplify their life and become liberated from the web of this world’s development of numerous conveniences (i.e. many inconveniences), and were released from the frightening stress of our present age." -St Paisios of Mount Athos
This present age is a tangled knot of useless stressors indeed. We are born with nothing and we die with nothing. God is all that matters.
“A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back.”
— Proverbs 29:11 (nkjv)
Feelings are temporary and transient. They flare up and die down as quickly and chaotically as a flame. Venting them as they roar by is foolish indeed– wisdom lies in silence, in patient discretion. We must calmly assess our feelings for truth and propriety, before we give words to any of them.
“Good sense and discretion make a man slow to anger, And it is his honor and glory to overlook a transgression or an offense without seeking revenge and harboring resentment.”
— Proverbs 19:11 (AMP)
God is merciful to us; let us then be merciful to all our brethren.
If there is to be any vengeance, it is God’s, never ours. We are to forgive in humble compassion, to pray for the souls of those who offend us, and to seek their good. Resentment will rot our hearts. Both good sense and holiness quench the harmful heat of anger. Always choose what will bring honor to Christ.
Jesus understands that our flesh is contaminated by sin and extremely weak when it comes to spiritual things. But He tells us to seek His strength so that we may live for Him and not succumb to our flesh. Knowing that our flesh is not able to do what our spirit desires, Jesus encourages us to pray – “Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation.” (Matthew 26:41) Each of us has certain areas where we are more vulnerable to temptation and susceptible to sin. Jesus tells us that we should always be alert to the possibility of satan’s temptation, especially in these areas. Jesus also encourages us to pray, bringing our needs and weaknesses “specifically” before the throne of God in order to receive His help.
“Our flesh is not able to do what our spirit desires.” This is the shocking, humbling truth. This is why we must be vigilant in prayer, for we are at perpetual risk for temptation and sin, as weak as we are. But God will help us for His glory and in His love.
Also, remember the emphasis on “specifically.” The most powerful intercession is given to the most radical honesty & surrender. When you’re struggling, tell God the details– lay your heart bare. Yes, He already knows, but what faith and trust and humility it grows in you to confess it to Him so directly, so totally!
The challenge of our faith is not our inability to hear God’s voice, but rather our willingness to entertain other voices
Bill Johnson
Too many other voices are talking over Christ’s Word in our hearts; in our world we are bombarded by chatter and noise. We must constantly endeavor to listen to God all the more closely, and fill all our senses with Him, to overpower the cacophony of the world.
Its fascinating to me just how possible it is to know God, yet how committed I can be to only learn more about myself.
In knowing God more, we come to truly know ourselves more, too… after all, what meaning is there to life and self without God? All self-reflection born from proud curiosity and self-worship is bound to collapse emptily in the end. I can gravely attest to this. The only self-knowledge worth anything is the knowledge of who we are in Christ, who we are to God, and who we can and will become through God’s salvific grace.
Read your Bible. Pray without ceasing. Make knowledge of God your truest commitment. This will ultimately also teach you more about yourself than anything else ever can.
It’s the new Christian fad to see maps everywhere, in churches and in homes, because every Christian wants to reach the nation’s, but so painfully few want to reach their neighbors.
Thinking “globally” can become so abstract, that it takes the feeling of urgency away from evangelization and charity both. But when your starving, struggling, sin-wracked neighbors are next door, or in your own family, the call to do God’s work becomes more urgent than ever– and you can’t hang up that divine call without willful ignorance.
It’s a staggering reality, to see that we are surrounded right now by people in desperate need of God, and we can’t rely on any corporation, celebrity, or community outreach to do the hard work for us, whereas globally we can make a donation or mission trip or prayer group and feel “accomplished.” But although it is good to give this sort of national help, it is far better– and I daresay more Christian– to do the humble hidden work here at home.
Talk to your neighbors about Christ. Talk to your family. Care for the sick, elderly, disabled, and lonely in your hometown, on your street. Cook meals, run errands, care for children and pets, assist with bills, even just visit someone who needs the comfort of a fellow soul. Do all of these things and more for God’s sake– because you love Him, and you love His children. If you call yourself a Christian, your life must honor His life. Do as He would do, and help those who need your help, personally.
Those that forever seek the Word of God are overrun by those who do It. -Reinhard Bonnke
Seek God’s will, but when you find it– and you WILL, for God promises this– do it!
We can all too easily “pretend” we don’t know God’s will if we’re afraid to obey it, or if we don’t understand it. But His will is right there in Scripture. It’s engraved upon our hearts. It’s given in response to honest prayer. Deep down, whenever we ask in faith, we WILL receive in faith. The important bit is acting on it with the same amount of faith and trust.
Seek His will, find His will, and do His will. There are always three steps. If you don’t do it, then you disobey it. There is no other option. Remember this.
Stop taking your eyes off of Christ. Without Him you’ll end up in the exact place you keep telling yourself you don’t want to be.
Reminder to self.
Think of the world as a raging sea, and think of your life as a boat out in the storm. Now think of Christ as a lighthouse– as a lodestar, as the sole guiding brilliance of your ship, the sole hope of safety, the sole signpost of survival and salvation from the wild tempests. That is how dearly you should value Christ– as your only hope; as THE only hope! Fix your eyes on His light just as unflinchingly as a sailor in such a storm would fix his eyes on the beacon proclaiming safe shores. Without Christ, you will not only become desperately lost– you will also die out there, in the merciless maelstrom.
You don’t want to be lost at sea. So keep your eyes on Christ, and follow Him.
“We are all one in sin, one in failure, one in hopelessness, one in need of the Lord Jesus Christ and His great salvation.”
— Martyn Lloyd-Jones
Jesus is the One for Everyone.
Remember this: there are no exceptions. Every person on this earth has sinned, and cannot save themselves. But Christ has opened the Way to every person, too. Have mercy on your brethren, and walk with them together to His Cross of Salvation!
“God seeks churches and households that love the lost, not love the blessing God bestows on them for reaching the lost. God seeks those who sacrificially give for the advance of the gospel because Jesus is worth it, not because Jesus will make it worth it.”
— Dick Brogden
If Jesus is not enough motivation for you to sacrifice, then you need to seriously examine your heart as a Christian. If you’re “in it” for temporal blessings, your heart is in the wrong place. Love the lost because God loves them, and because you love God, and because He quite honestly commanded that we love all our fellow humans– all our fellow creations of God, all our fellow souls in need of salvation.
Jesus Christ alone– love and glory and praise of Him– is enough motivation to make the most generous sacrifices. Everything is already worth it, if it’s for Him.
Jesus was nailed to the cross so His love could pierce your hard heart to make it soft.
The mental imagery of this alone can shatter a heart of stone.
Reflect on this profound suffering love whenever sin hardens your heart. Let the nails pierce you through. Let love break you open so that grace can enter in again.
Trust God in the tunnel, and He will lead you into Light.
God never leads us into dead ends. Every path we take through faith in Him ultimately leads to Him. So if following Him leads you somewhere dark and dreary, remember that it’s only a temporary thing… there’s an exit somewhere, sometime. Even if that exit is the end of your life, do not fear! If you’re following God, you’ll reach Him in the end. Trust Him in the meantime, no matter what.
Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it. (NLT) -Psalms 34:14
God wants us to live peaceful lives. God hates the insecurity and fear evil brings to our lives. Thus, a part of being a Christ follower is being a peace seeker- for following Him brings true peace. Make a list of how you can be an agent of peace in your community. Do you feel moved to make amends with neighbors? Co-workers? Family members? Maybe you feel called to speak against a particular injustice? It could be that you are nudged to finally are agree to volunteer in your local church. Rest assured that Christ has placed these peaceful nudges into your heart for His sake and the sake of His Kingdom. Make steps to be a peacemaker today!
"If we could only see the joy of our guardian angel when he sees us fighting temptations." - St. John Vianney.
This is a powerful love-driven motivator.
Love is really the only motivation for good. Remember this in your struggles. Without love, you’re stuck. With love, you’re already free.
Father, please show me whenever I am not thinking in ways that will cultivate my heart for You so I can unroot that mindset
Show me, and then please, give me the grace TO unroot those thought processes. I cannot do it myself. Only You can. So please, God… show me Your will, and enable me to do it, for Your sake.
“I am profoundly grateful to God that He did not grant me certain things for which I asked, and that He shut certain doors in my face.”
— Martin Lloyd Jones
God’s will is always better than ours, for His knowledge, wisdom, and purity is always infinitely greater than ours.
If God shuts a door, rejoice. If He denies a request, rejoice. He knows what He’s doing. You are being protected and guided by His powerful hand. Then, with grateful humility, obey His rerouting.
My worth is found in Christ and only in Christ.
No matter what the world says about you, good or bad, in the end Christ is all that matters, and all that is worth anything. If you cling to Him, no earthly abandonment or demonic lies can shake you. Without Christ, though– without God– is there anything worthwhile? No. Everything outside of Him will pass away and come to naught. But Christ died to conquer death, to make us worthy who believe in Him. No amount of money, fame, power, possessions, praises, or prizes can do that. But if God calls you worthy through His Son, then nothing on earth can take that away from you. Hold on to that joyful hope.
“And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (NLT) -Luke 11:9
The power of persistent prayer is incredible. Strength rises up in your voice as you continuously seek God’s answer to your prayers. This persistence proves that you are not seeking instant gratification, that you trust that God hears you and will respond in His divine timing, and that you both realize and trust in the power and importance of honest prayer itself. Rest assured that, no matter how long it may take to see an answer, God will always answer: through fulfillment of your prayer, a firm “no,” or by guiding your heart in a different direction, causing you to no longer seek the answer to that prayer. God always hears us, especially in the silence that moves our hearts. Go ahead and pray a specific prayer daily, and wait faithfully for His response.
The use of many words in prayer is helpful, if only because our consciousness is in this way fixed upon the holy words for a longer time. Even if we are not completely absorbed in the meaning of the words we utter, but only diverted from trifles, from vain agitation, worry, impure thoughts - even that is a great gain. And if we add to this a vivid sense of no more than one hundredth of what we read, the soul acquires countless treasures.
-Diary of a Russian Priest
Prayer is always a great benefit to the soul. This emphasis on the holy focus of lengthy prayer is very important to remember. It is indeed far better to devote our spare time to prayer than to trifles, and claiming “it’s hard to concentrate” or the like is no excuse in light of this truth… and that is joyfully encouraging! No prayer is ever wasted. No effort is ever lost. So pray– pray always, and never be discouraged!
You don't need a reason to help people.
But you’ve got one nevertheless: John 15:12, and Luke 10:36-37!
Remember, Shadrach, Meshasch, and Abednego. God didn’t put out the fire. He just put Jesus in there with them and they came out without smoke. It’s not about God stopping all the things that look bad; it’s about who is in there with you... God didn’t put the fire out nor did they need it to be put out. They believed God would deliver them but were content in giving their lives to honor the word and kindness of God if He had not. And that’s amazing. Amazing grace.
realjoyismine: Remember this: those boys didn’t know that they’d be saved out of the fire. They were ready to die for the Lord. That is what they told King Nebachadnezzar. The outcome? They didn’t care. They just stood for what was right: honoring and glorifying God at all costs.
This was my favorite Bible story as a child. It still is.
They didn’t need the fire to be put out because that wasn’t the point– they only cared about glorifying God, even if that meant dying for His sake.
That truth, that faith, still pierces me to the core. God, I pray that my own faith may be so unflinchingly steadfast, for love of You!!
Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life’s problems fall into place of their own accord.
J.I. Packer, Knowing God
No matter how long or short our life is, knowing and serving God is all that matters. Making that our top priority will inevitably cause all our other cares and concerns to find their proper place in service to it. Everything that doesn’t serve God must go.
It’s a blissful courageous streamlining of life that honestly makes life under any circumstances worth living, because when our earthly life is for God, we can rest assured that we will have a life with Him after this one is over. And all else is dust in comparison.
Paul learned to be content with what he had. Which is remarkable since he had so little. He had a jail cell instead of a house. He had four walls instead of the mission field. He had chains instead of jewelry, a guard instead of a wife. How could he be so content? Simple. He focused on a different list. He had eternal life. He had the love of God. He had forgiveness of sins. He had the surety of salvation. He had Christ, and Christ was enough. What he had in Christ was greater than what he didn't have in life.
God, present in His Son, is always enough.
This life is temporary… the life to come is eternal. Saint Paul knew that true joy and contentment come from fixing our hearts on the latter. No matter what we have or don’t have here… in the end, in eternity, what truly matters is having God… and we do have Him in Christ. When our hearts genuinely know this, all else is as dust in comparison to that blessed joy.
syney: Some Christians have a hard time praying because they don’t think it works for them.
God says that if we ask and do not receive, it is because we ask with the wrong motives; for personal pleasure. He also says that if we ask according to His will, He will hear us. So if he hears us - whatevever we ask - we can know that we have what we have asked of Him.
The first step is changing our motives. The next step is faith.
everlastinglyanna: This is good! Prayer is vitally important. How you pray matters. Luke 18 is one of my favorite examples of how to pray.
If we’re not praying, how will we ever know what God requires of us? How will we know what he has to say concerning our issues or the things we go through daily? More importantly, how do we expect God to move for us or to develop a relationship with him if we don’t talk to him? Men ought to always pray & not faint.
And if he doesn’t answer right then and there, just wait. Waiting is not just to sit down as if you’re in a waiting room, but you continue to seek Him until he gives you the answer. Continue to work unto Him! To wait, by definition, is to look forward expectantly. To be ready and available. It may not happen right now, but be expectant, be ready!
Isaiah 59:1 lets me know that his ear is not so heavy that he can’t hear me. I have to believe that!
Without faith, it is impossible to please God.
Our prayers must ultimately be rooted in our faith– in our love of God, and in glory to Him. If what we are praying for does not glorify Him, or testify to our love of Him and His commandments… then our motives need to change, because God will not grant any request that goes against His Holy Will. The Holy Spirit will convict you if this is the case, in my humbling experience.
But waiting is so important too. It shows, actively, that we trust God’s timing as much as we trust His will. Prayer us ultimately about God, not about us. We are not entitled to get our requests fulfilled, let alone fulfilled now, or in the manner we choose. None of that is our choice.
When we are waiting on a response, do so with joyful surrender to whatever God’s answer is… whether it is yes, no, not now, or not in that way. But absolutely be ready to get a yes, too– sometimes having a prayer answered affirmatively and quickly is a bigger test of faith than the alternative. If you pray for a healing, are you truly ready to change your life to accommodate that God-given change in health? Or are you secretly afraid of getting better because you aren’t sure how not to be sick? Similarly, if you pray for deliverance from a certain repetitive sin or addictive temptation, are you prepared for the gap that will leave in your life, that the devil will try to fill again? Are you prepared for the increase in holy activity you will need to cultivate in order to prevent relapse? I give these examples because that is my current struggle, and it speaks volumes as to the importance of motivation, trust, surrender, faith, and readiness in prayer.
We must be willing to do the work required to live in the will of God, when we pray for it. His will WILL be done, no matter what. So… let us pray, above and with all else, to be conformed TO His Will, in both our prayers and in our lives.
“Rose early to seek God and found Him whom my soul loveth. Who would not rise early to meet such company?” — Robert Murray M'Cheyne
He is up all night anyway, watching over us with mercy and compassion. So the moment we awake, He is already there, full of love, brighter and warmer than the sun.
Rise early, and watch the sun rise with your Beloved, with God who created both it and you, and who rejoices in your loving company too.
sojourneronearth: Why live if my purpose isn’t immediately to preach the gospel anymore. If I cannot do that, what is the point?
Make every moment a preaching, then. May every tiny thing you do be done out of acknowledgement and honor of Christ’s grace working in you, even if only God sees you. Start there.
God will give you the opportunity to preach the Gospel in greater situations and with greater means when He determines the time is right.
Your purpose is always to preach the Gospel, so do not worry… but that preaching must become a way of living first. That’s what makes it immediate.
Do not despair; there is always hope through Christ. He is the point.🙏❤
“Let us not only take care to defend ourselves from the contagion of evil but also to promote the good, sustain it, give witness to it, defend it, and multiply it. We must take responsibility for the fact that the world is suffering from evil stemming from our lukewarmness.”
— Pope John XXIII
We are the carriers of Christ’s Light. It is absolutely our responsibility to shine it in the face of evil, for ourselves and for all others. Defend it, promote it, sustain it, witness it, multiply it. Remember this.
That's the excitement in obedience: finding out later what God had in mind.
Living life with faithful obedience-- doing what God calls us to do even if we don’t understand the details at the moment-- is such a joyful, liberating, exciting experience. When we surrender to God’s will with love, every moment becomes a genuine gift. You never know what He has in mind until you open the present, as it were.
"If we were asked how wise we were, most of us wouldn't know exactly how to answer. We talk a lot about intelligence, but not very much about wisdom, so we don't always know what wisdom looks like. Solomon gives one sign that helps us recognize wisdom in our own life and the lives of others when he writes of wisdom: "Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace" (Proverbs 3:17). Nobody's life is always and only pleasant. No one walks exclusively on paths of peace. Not even our Lord, Jesus Christ, experienced such a life, and He was the wisest man Who ever lived. But there still can be great insight gained by asking the question "Do my decisions, attitudes, words, and lifestyle create peace or discord?" How we answer might suggest something about our current state of wisdom-- and how we may become wiser with God's help. Lord, give me the gift of wisdom that I may walk in paths of peace. Amen."
-Thomas Nelson
True peace is grounded in obedient faith, and resides in the heart. True, our outer circumstances might still be tumultuous, but how are we affecting them? Are our choices serving God, no matter how discordant my environment may be? Is my way of life honoring God? Are my thoughts resting on Him? Is my attitude befitting a child of God? Indeed, herein lies wisdom-- even when we may not have any solid answers, even when we are helpless and confused, or even when we cannot see any hope of external peace... we can still be wise, and so still experience and create true peace, if we simply turn to God in all things. Choose to serve Him in any and every way you can, in any moment, even if all you can do is pray, or be patient, or be humble. We can always serve God. And if we do, then we are both being wise and walking in the most pleasant ways, for God is joy and hope itself, even on the road to Calvary.
"God's provision for communion with Him through prayer says a lot about His character. He sought us and established this divine channel of prayer. He listens for our cry as a mother listens for her young. He knows my voice and attends to my cries. Such is my God: a God of loving initiative Who seeks me, a God of great sensitivity Who listens for me, a God of intimacy who knows me, and a God of grace Who attends to my needs. God's plan for marriage is to bring together a husband and wife in order that they might become "one flesh"-- spirit, soul, and body. Spiritual oneness through mutual prayer is part of God's plan. It's not surprising that the world's order for marriage is exactly the opposite: "Let's be physically intimate, then see if friendship develops. If later it seems important, we will explore our spiritual life." Many couples carry the pain of these misplaced priorities for decades, unaware that God has made provision to restore His priorities. Critical to this restoration process is tapping into the power and potential of prayer. Thanks, Lord, for the special privilege of sharing together in prayer! Prayer should play a vital part in the life of married believers. It's important to pray and entreat God's attention and favor for your spouse. Prayers of thanksgiving can draw a couple together in closeness. Prayers for the children help a couple be of one mind when it comes to rearing their kids. Requesting prayer as one spouse leaves for the office in the morning gives the couple the opportunity to be like-minded during the day. God is willing to give ear to our prayers, both those said individually and those offered as a couple. We should make sure we take the time to enjoy this wonderful privilege. At what times of the day and under what circumstances will you and your spouse share together in prayer?"
- David & Teresa Ferguson
This is what marriage is about and for. This is why the church stands firmly against the modern secular ideas of marriage, which eschew prayer and religious priority, instead focusing on sexuality and desire. Christian marriage is about family– about being part of God’s adopted family in Christ, and in raising children within that same truth, teaching them through God’s word to be good abd faithful members of the human family as well, both at home and in the world. Secular “marriage” frequently rejects this anchor of family, not only rejecting the idea of parenthood, and therefore of raising and/or bearing children, but also rejecting the call to be a child of God, instead choosing to serve their own interests and opinions, seeking self-idolatry through sensuality and carefree living.
God is our Parent, a loving Father who Mothers us as well. If we reject this truth, we cannot truly live as His Children… and then how could we ever raise children ourselves, let alone be parents, if we do not have that divine Example to follow?
And how could we ever truly have a unitive loving relationship with a spouse, if we do not first seek loving unity with God, who loves us more than any human ever can? How could we ever truly communicate with our spouse, if we do not communicate with God in prayer?
Marriage is a sacrament, a holy event of our faith, and it must always be recognized and honored as such, or else it will collapse, as all things will if they are chopped off at the very root.
"daria" doll giveaway? radio announcement. actually coraline. producers had found a "prototype head with camera" that they had originally lost, were giving it away. weirdly we had the original on our porch? buried in ashes mom had downstairs? big tube, next to chimney, leading down into charred pit. scary. torso w/legs, and arms separate, two different bodies there. ceramic, burnt, purplish at edges? falling apart. said some things, like a talking doll. mom said she had tried to sell it on ebay but didn't get anything; I said you had to advertise it the correct way; this was worth a lot of money.
Demon man on porch? me and chris (as a child). man trying to kill us; wouldn't die though. terrifying. eventually had to cut him up and burn the pieces to keep him dead. me doing so as usps guy came to door, covered bits with tarp, but guy didn't see me.
therapist calling on phone? talking to me like a friend. went to movies but forgot to hang up. raining outside? and something with mike & blase having a birthday celebration in our kitchen? I remember mom was there, organizing music cds or something. but all she gave to mike and blase as gifts were big cardboard boxes full of bananas and oranges and other fruits. I remember everything was left as a mess on the kitchen floor so I went about organizing things and putting the boxes and fruit properly in their rooms. mike was playing some sort of starcraft-y game when I did so? I clearly feel like I saw something that reminded me of the protoss.
then organizing some sort of parade; was it christmas themed? at old elementary school, in the half that was torn down-- me in a dressing room behind the double doors, getting into this beautiful wedding-dress-like gown, with a veil and flowing trail and open back and all. slightly tinted a pearlescent aqua. but guess who was there with me. LAURIE. oh my gosh she was. and she was getting into a dress too-- all gorgeous hard-light violet, and gunmetal grey, with shocks of blood red. and she was wearing HEELS. someone laughed and said they didn't expect her to be wearing heels when her normal footwear was "stomping boots" but she said that, somehow, they were related? as in they both required great skill and control to walk in. not only that but since she was "not actually a girl" her top looked more like a suit from the front? like it was half suit half dress. so fitting. AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE WAS THERE ryou and marik, genesis, chaos, and lynne showed up too!!!! laurie said we should all wear dresses "because everyone looks beautiful in a dress" but I expressed concern over gender roles and she acquiesced. ryou and marik wore complimentary suits-- ryou in white with blue pinstripes, and marik in black with purple pinstripes. it was adorable. lynne wore a DEEP VERMILION dress that was based of a violin?? I only saw it as she was walking out with Laurie, and oddly, Lynne looked like my old classmate Lauren at the time, until I recognized her and her face changed. but that was notable. I was with her, but stopped when I realized I wasn't wearing a head veil, like a bride. I asked if I should go back and get it, as I wanted to, and chaos zero insisted yes, go get it! so I went back to do so. now either before or after this, I don't recall, but laurie and I were in the dressing room, and I noticed her dress had an open back too, in the shape of a heart between her shoulders, and there was a big diamond-shaped scar there? I think I asked her where she got it, and I don't think she answered directly. but she said she'd "never hide it." she turned around and looked at me with heartaching love and I told her "thank you for protecting me," pressing my hand to her heart. but she immediately took my hand and lowered it to rest instead right beneath her sternum, where I felt the other side of that big scar. her expression hardened and broke at once, and she said "I will always protect you, no matter what." I think she also corrected me somehow verbally, as I think I said something else concerning her scars, but perhaps that action had been so powerful I thought it was in words. but. she has NEVER had that scar before. ever. and I know why. she killed herself after north carolina, and THAT WAS HOW. she ran herself through with her axe, and since the system was dead, she didn't resurrect. I haven't seen her since last october. and here she was. thank god. but. after she said this, and I looked at her, I just reached out and took her face and kissed her. my memory was still corrupted by north carolina but she kissed me back as she always does-- solid and honorably, with nothing "romantic." like a knight. it felt like a swearing that she was still my protector, forever and always, and no matter what, she and I would always be bound by that love and devotion. it meant the entire world.
anyway it gets even better. now we were all getting dressed up for some sort of procession but it was CHRISTMAS themed?? and it was based in our attic, which, as always in good dreams, is HUGE. and this time it was full of people dressed as christmas elves, moving things about and unpacking and decorating. turns out mom built an ENTIRE santa's workshop up there, which on the other side, opened up into an easter workshop that was still somewhat snow-themed because of spring. it was awesome. I remember talking to the "head elf" about that, who was somewhat heavyset and had reddish curly hair; looked like he was only a little older than me. but then I went and waited at the bottom of the stairs, where some black guy like kanye west trying to flirt with me, felt shifty. but I knew I'd be safe because laurie was in the parade, haha. no funny business with her around. so the parade started, with lots of folks I didn't know at first, and a lot of rockettes-like girls all christmasy-themed, and THEN laurie and lynne and ryou and marik showed up. laurie was, dead serious, carrying her axe across her shoulders, horizontally. she grinned at me as she walked by, and the black dude who had been trying to flirt with me flinched, it was kind of hilarious. also I think every one of my "system mates" who saw me said something to me, and I think every one said something along the lines of "I love you." which was deeply moving. but EVEN BETTER was the fact that after laurie, who shows up in spotlight at the top of the stairs-- huge fan covering their face-- but GENESIS. he was dressed in THE MOST ELABORATE DRESS like a showqueen. and he did this exaggerated elegant catwalk down the stairs, all decked in gold and jewelry, and wearing MASSIVE STILETTO HEELS. when he got to me, he hesitated briefly, wanting to say he loved me too but obviously trying so hard to fit this ridiculous persona that he wasn't sure how. he held back a laugh and said in a put-on haughty voice, "after the parade, you can lick my boots." I laughed, seeing how gaudy and glittery they were, and said "why, are they edible?" and his eyes lit up like they used to when he was young and he said "oh, of course! this whole outfit is edible! I can't wait until the parade is over." and he flounced away. but yes. not only was genesis dressed to the nines but he was WEARING CANDY. god bless him he's fantastic. THEN CHAOS WAS IN A DRESS and it matched mine, it was all flowing and aqua and had tons of swooping chains of diamonds and things like he loves. but when he saw me he walked right over and he kissed me, I remember seeing in third person his arm covered in those elegant jewels, how fitting. It was wonderful. unfortunately I began to wake up around here? but I remember that at the bottom of the stairs, all of a sudden I was in danger? there was some sort of alarm. and laurie IMMEDIATELY swung her axe down and RAN into action with everyone else.
I woke up around 7am and-- after making the bed & going to wash the dishes in the kitchen-- immediately wrote this down. thank you god. this is the first good dream I've had in months, and what a good dream it was. life is looking up.
Mom always promised me things that she never delivered. Perhaps she never intended to. Perhaps she was just going through the motions, offering us things that children were supposed to want, treating it as ritual, not reality.
I don't hold it against her.
...
She did not dash my hopes, nor did she disappoint me. She taught me how to dream.
(Problem: telling me about her her house dream: If its met, "what will she dream of now?" so she PUTS IT OFF just so she can keep dreaming of SOMETHING)
Begin to know Him now, and finish never. -Oswald Chambers
God is infinite; we can never fully know Him, for there is always more to know, more to discover, more to honor and adore… and for someone in Love, that fact is blissful.
foreverheloves: Pray, then let it go. Don’t try and manipulate or force the outcome. Just trust God to open the right doors at the right time.
kings–kid: So many times we say we have forgiving but never truly have let go. But until we learning how to forgive and let GOD,we will never be healed from our wounds.
If you’re scared of the outcome, and are afraid to trust God, please tell Him so. Talk to Him about it. Confess your doubt and fear, explain the turmoil in your heart and head, and pray for the grace to let go and let God do His work. Then loosen your grip a little. God is listening, and He will help, but we must meet Him at the door and cooperate with His grace!
Keep praying as often & long as you need to. Prayer is very powerful. And the more we turn to God, the easier it is to trust Him.
There’s a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means. I don’t. – Ann Voskamp
It is scary to your ego to surrender everything to God, especially control. To know and admit that you don’t know everything, cannot know everything, and probably are mistaken or quite shortsighted in much of what you do know… to confess that compared to God we know nothing at all, takes immense humility and trust and faith in God. The only way to do this is to love God enough to gratefully surrender the steering wheel of life to Him… only then can we sit back and enjoy the ride in joy, no matter how stormy the weather or how bumpy the road.
“Don’t compare yourself to others who call themselves Christians. Compare yourself to Scripture.”
— Paul Washer
alistairradley: Too many times we look to other people how to live our lives instead of focusing on Christ.
Our eyes must be on Christ alone. Our fellow Christians are also fellow sinners, imperfect and striving to live more fully by God’s Grace. They can inspire or warn. Either way, they are not our role models. Christ is. Read His Word and put it into practice with obedient love. Let that be the measure of your conduct… not proud & fearful comparison.
Faith means that you have peace even when you don't have all the answers.
We don’t need all the answers, nor should we have them. We’re fallible, forgetful, foolish mortals– such knowledge is too great for us. But God knows all, and He knows what He’s doing, and what He’s doing is infinitely Good. All we have to do is surrender to that in childlike faith. The blessing of peace that follows is incomparable.
Some days I pray, “Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Other days it’s, “Lord, please slap me upside the head, for I am an idiot.”
Forever relevant.
They’re both perfectly valid and important prayers, too– humbly recognizing and admitting our sinfulness openly to God.
anchorsandjesus: “If you don’t think Jesus can fill that emptiness, you’re wrong. And He will.”
— something I’m learning
But first you must admit that you are empty without Him. Jesus cannot fill a soul that insists it has no room, or that it is full enough. We must be humble and trusting enough to surrender it all– to confess that ultimately, in this world, we have nothing, and want nothing of it… only then will we truly gain everything in Christ.
Don’t be afraid of letting go of fleeting desires and empty pleasures. Christ is infinitely better; He is worth more than it all, He is more beautiful than it all, and He will fill you with endless joy.
khadlja: pray a lot!! pray for everything, even/especially if it seems silly or impossible or ridiculous and you can barely voice it. pray for the little things and the big things and everything in between. keep that connection between you and God open all day, every day. pray and then watch how tiny miracles fill your life.
nia-confesses-to-the-internet: There are times it seems hard, seems pointless. God going to do what he’s gonna do. But he says to pray, so pray for faith, pray that you’ll see the point.
Prayer is also more than asking for blessings. Prayer is gratitude and praise and awe and honor and worship. Prayer is the spontaneous song of the soul to its Creator. Prayer is an outpouring of Love, of trust, of hope, of faith and surrender. Prayer is conversation, prayer is listening… prayer is sharing, prayer is opening to receive. Prayer is our quickest line of connection to God. Prayer is necessary for Life.
So yes… pray a lot! Make every step, every breath, every word and every deed into a prayer– an act of worship to our Heavenly Father. Like a little child, learn to trust Him with everything– don’t ever be afraid to share something with Him. He loves you, and He is listening. Think of it in techno terms: keep the chat window open. Don’t hang up the phone. Live like God and you are in a state of perpetual interaction– because you are!
And lastly, don’t forget this on the bad days, and in the hard times. That is when you need prayer the most. That is when you need s friend and a loving voice the most… and you have one, the best one, in God. He is there. Turn to Him.
“If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.”
Proverbs 15:32
Listen to & obey wise instruction and amend your ways, no matter how much the discipline may sting or humiliate you. This correction is good for your soul, but your sinful flesh will reject it! Be aware of this battle, pray for the grace to submit to the helpful teaching, and you will grow in holiness.
Proverbs 15:16 (NLT) - Better to have little, with fear for the LORD, than to have great treasure and inner turmoil.
Great treasure is often obtained by dishonest and/or selfish, greedy means. This will only bring turmoil to our hearts and distress our conscience. Better to lovingly trust in God to provide– for He will– then torment ourselves by faithlessly grasping for more.
God will provide for all we need. If we have little, trust in Him and rejoice in His unfailing love nevertheless. To be ungrateful and greedy, entitled and complaining, seeking more than God has given in His good judgment… this only leads to sorrow and disaster.
“He fills the hungry with good things, but the rich he sends empty away ”!
You need great discrimination in order to distinguish between good and evil. So do not readily or lightly put your trust in appearances, but weigh things well, and after testing everything carefully cleave to what is good and reject what is evil (1 Thes. 5:21-2). You must test and discriminate before you give credence to anything. You must also be aware that the effects of grace are self-evident, and that even if the devil does transform himself he cannot produce these effects: he cannot induce you to be gentle, or forbearing, or humble, or joyful, or serene, or stable in your thoughts; he cannot make you hate what is worldly, or cut off sensual indulgence and the working of the passions, as grace does. -St Gregory of Sinai
This is a game-changing realization. The devil cannot produce or induce virtue– he cannot ever cause the effects of grace! No matter how he may try to justify his lies, or falsely sell his sinfulness as righteousness, his works will ALWAYS cause a malignant end. Sin will never coexist with grace.
Be discerning in this way! Be vigilant!
delightfullyloved: even when it hurts, i will praise You. even when it hurts, i will turn to You. even when it hurts, i will hope in You. even when it hurts, i will wait. i will wait. i will wait. i will wait and believe.
And when He calls you to obey, even if it hurts more, obey. Remember Christ on the Cross. Even if the pain leads to death, literal or metaphorical, if you enter that death with Christ, you will enter resurrection with Him, too.
Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you. -Elisabeth Elliot
Feelings can lie, feelings can fade, feelings can be confused and numbed and fabricated. But love isn’t a feeling. Love is a Truth, Love is a Way, Love is a PERSON… Love is God, all-powerful and all-knowing, rich in mercy and patience, unfailingly just and righteous. God, Love Himself, never lies, fades, confuses, chills, or manipulates, for those things are unloving. God is honest, constant, true, compassionate, and guiding, a dear Father to all His children.
God knows you, even when you forget who you are.
God is there, even when the world has abandoned you.
God loves you, always. God waits for you, always. His heart and His arms are open. Even if you feel scraped out and empty, He is overflowing with grace.
Go to Him!
Consider Saint Francis. He saw sinful clergymen and corruption in the Church. Francis tries to reform it. He doesn't start a new church. He first reforms himself. Francis is a saint. Be like Francis!
If there is any sin and corruption in the Church, I assure you it began in the hearts of its members first.
We are all still sinners, although we are called to be holy as members of the Church. It does not happen automatically, nor does anyone get a ‘free pass’ for persisting in sin after becoming part of the community of faith– indeed, to do so is scandal, a terrible sin! God is merciful but He is also just, and if you abuse His His long-suffering with you, He will let you suffocate yourself in iniquity. But this is secondary. The first thing is to obey, and to strive to be holy through living in Love through Grace. This is what Saint Francis knew, and what we must also practice.
In every case, if we want to prevent corruption in the Church, we must begin by reforming our hearts through the grace of God.
We cannot change anyone else, and we have no right or ability to– that is God’s job. All we are called to do is love, pray, serve, sacrifice, warn, help, and counsel… to be examples of Christ as Christians. If we do this, all else will follow rightly.
Once you've tasted how good God is, how could we ever depart from Him? I can't depart from Him like I have in the past. I won't leave Him; I will cling to Him forever!
May God constantly remind our hearts of His sufficiency, His goodness, and His deliverance… through constantly reminding us of the emptiness, dishonesty, and tribulation of the world and its fleeting desires.
His love and long-suffering isn’t passivity; it’s opportunity.
Remember this, too, when you are tempted to impatience with others! God is mercifully patient with our sins so that we can learn humility and contrition, and repent. He loves us enough to give us this graciously undeserved opportunity. So we must love others the same way, for God loves them so graciously too! Remember the parable of the unforgiving servant. Be merciful as your Father and Lord is merciful. Love one another.
“Talk to GOD more than you talk about Him.”
We can’t talk truthfully about Him if we don’t know Him. And you only get to know someone– God included!– through spending genuine time with them, being with them and talking to them.
“We best defend the Lord’s glory by speaking first TO Him about unbelieving men rather than speaking first ABOUT Him to unbelieving men.”
— Sinclair B. Ferguson
Always turn to the Lord in humble prayer first! It’s not about us or our reputation… it’s about Him– His Truth and His Glory. Then, when you speak of the Lord to those who do not believe, you will have the grace to speak in genuine love, for their soul’s sake, and for God’s sake… not for yourself. We’re the messengers, not the Message!
“Sometimes we don’t want to know God’s will because of the sneaking suspicion that it’s not what we’ve planned.”
- Sr. Bethany Madonna
This is why humility is VITAL to faith! Without it, we stay stuck in fear and fallen nature. We must surrender our hearts to His Love, no matter how hard it may oppose our worldly plans… indeed, we should be moved to courageous submission because of that very holy opposition. “Thy will be done” at all costs!
“There are those who seek knowledge for the sake of knowledge; that is Curiosity. There are those who seek knowledge to be known by others; that is Vanity. There are those who seek knowledge in order to serve; that is Love.”
— Saint Bernard of Clairvaux
Without Love, all is in vain, even curiosity– for seeking knowledge for its own sake is still ultimately serving yourself. Unless we take that knowledge and use it for serving God and others, internally and externally, then it is essentially useless. Let all that you do be done in love!
Theirs is an endless road, a hopeless maze, who seek for goods before they seek for God.
St Bernard of Clairvaux
A simple but staggering truth. Christ is The Way– the ONLY Way. Every other path is doomed to a dead end.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and God shall provide for you all that you need. Seek the world before God, and you will inevitably end up bereft and lost.
“Many of the people who look forward to a long life put off doing good works, since they think that they will have plenty of time before they die. As for me, I prefer to be among those who consider that they have no time to lose if they wish to give God all the glory that they can before they die.” ~St. Margaret of Hungary
No human is ever guaranteed tomorrow. Every new day is a gift from God. This alone should motivate us to use our time wisely and faithfully. But Saint Margaret deepens this motive with love– she wants to give God as much glory as possible before she dies, whether she lives for five more minutes or fifty more years. Thinking this way, why would anyone postpone doing good? The only reason to delay virtuous work is selfishness. Putting off a kind word or helpful deed until tomorrow just betrays the hidden fact that you really don’t consider it important enough to do now… or that you truly don’t want to do it at all. If we do this, then our hearts are not in order! Dear Saint Margaret, pray for us fellow Christians, that we may be filled with zeal for Christ and His people, and so do as much sincere and loving good as we possibly can with every moment we are given! Whether our lives are long short, may they be lived as a testament to our faith, so that even in our passing our memory wil give glory to God
“Dear Christians, the way we love our neighbor carries a lot more weight than how much scripture we can quote.”
Anyone can quote Scripture, but it takes a true Christian to live Scripture. Faith without works is dead, and words without actions are hollow. Let us glorify God by showing His love alive and at work in us!
livin4themosthigh: God has perfect timing. God is not in a hurry. You are. That’s exactly why you are tired. That’s why you are anxious, stressed, and disappointed. Trust in God’s perfect timing. Trust that what was meant to be yours, will be yours.
And what is not meant for you, will never happen. So when you wait on God, wait without expectations. Wait with only one desire– that His will be done. God may make you wait for years, and He may ultimately give you something you never expected. Yet His timing and His giving and His withholding are all perfect.
Surrender into that. Rest in that. Trust in that. God will sustain you in faith, hope, and love no matter what.
“The highest point of philosophy is to be both wise and simple; this is the angelic life.”
— St. John Chrysostom
Humanity, in its pride, tends to overcomplicate things. Complexity does not indicate wisdom. Indeed, genuine wisdom is pure and simple, understood by children, grasped by the most humble hearts. Angels exist to glorify God… in this sole cause is all wisdom found.
[breathe.] there is no mountain God can't move.
If He wills it, it will happen. If He wills not, then it won't. Have faith and trust in Him no matter what.
Let me alone, sheltered in my cell.
Let me be with God, who alone is good.
Why should I move out of my cell?
Back to that which I left?
Let me be.
I want to cry and mourn over the days and nights I have wasted.
- St. Symeon the New Theologian
I’m feeling this same heartache so hard today.
God is all I want. God is all I need. God have mercy on me for not realizing or living this truth sooner. God keep me close to your heart and never let me stray back to that old life, that broken world.
Let me be with the One who Is.
God has the ability to string natural events to fulfill His purpose.
Pastor Paolo Punzalan, Grace Changes Everything
He’s in charge of all things, remember. Sometimes we can forget this, which is dumbfounding– every snowflake, earthquake, hailstorm, rainstorm, thundercloud and waterspout is wrought by His Hand. Each tornado, volcano, drought and fire obeys the command of His Voice. And yet, we might still forget that these truly-named “acts of God” are indeed just that! So we worry and panic and fear, powerless and small as we are, without resting in the power and greatness of God, who has not forgotten us in the forecast. When we realize this– that everything we experience is happening in God’s sight, and by His direction or allowance, it becomes much easier to surrender in faithful trust, and to endure in hopeful courage, because even if we don’t understand, we know that He is Good, and so we can humbly acquiesce to His Will… even if our hands are shaking. We can still fold them in prayer, after all.
Reverence, indicated by Communion on the tongue, means, in turn, that Communion is not of “ordinary bread and wine, “but rather the Body and Blood of the Lord.
It is recorded that one of the greatest worries of the pope was that, with the introduction of the practice *, the Eucharist would end up being compared to ordinary bread or to simply blessed bread. …
This danger does not exists with Communion on the tongue.
*of Communion in the hand
Most Rev. Juan Rodolfo Laise, Communion in the hand, Documents and History
My parish priest once said that recieving Communion on the tongue was also a beautiful symbol of its utter distinction from normal “eating,” because there are only three other times any human will receive their food on the tongue, without touching it themselves, with perfect surrender…
1. When we are infants, and are fed by our loving mothers,
2. When we are elderly, and are fed by our loving caretakers,
3. When we are in love, and are fed by our lovers. Just think of the wedding cake!
And consider that sweet simple trust in all of these: “here, try this, it’s delicious”… “here, eat this, it’s healthy for you”… “here, have some, it’ll give you strength”… in every case, we trust the other person completely. Food is what we need for our bodies to survive in this world. If what we eat is harmful or unhealthy, it will hurt our bodies. In extreme scenarios, such as in diseases and allergies, eating the wrong thing can kill us! So normally we carefully discern this for ourselves. But, when we let someone else feed us, we are implicitly trusting them with our life. This absolute surrender is often completely unrealized, so great is our faith in their goodness towards us… so great is our love for them.
And that’s the Eucharist. Just look at that picture– look at the intimacy, the adoration, the absolute trust visible between Christ and His dear Child! And so it is at every Mass: the priest– Christ’s representative– feeds us as a mother feeds as a child, as a child feeds a mother, as a spouse feeds a spouse. We trust, love, and surrender entirely, gratefully recieving this food for our precious souls… and when we realize that Christ is feeding us with His own body in the Eucharist, then the love deepens even more– for now He feeds us as only a mother can on earth, by literally offering us His flesh and blood as our only source of sustenance, so helpless we are, and so completely dependent on Him to live!
Recieving the Eucharist by hand completely misses all of this. Then it just becomes a gift– an utterly priceless gift, true, but one which we are showing no special reverence to. Some people take and eat potato chips with more zeal and anticipation than they do the Host, and that is a very subtle form of blasphemy. When we truly realize what is occurring in Holy Communion, we cannot help but fall to our knees, and receive Him with loving trust!
The Christian veneration of images is not contrary to the first commandment which proscribes idols. Indeed, “the honor rendered to an image passes to its prototype,” and “whoever venerates an image venerates the person portrayed in it.”The honor paid to sacred images is a “respectful veneration,” not the adoration due to God alone:
Religious worship is not directed to images in themselves, considered as mere things, but under their distinctive aspect as images leading us on to God incarnate. the movement toward the image does not terminate in it as image, but tends toward that whose image it is.
This is a vital distinction! The images and sculptures are “bridges” to those portrayed; since we cannot show literal veneration to God– except in Eucharistic Exposition, blessedly– we venerate images of Jesus Christ to show our love for Him, in this physical world, in our physical bodies. We know He isn’t literally the statue or picture. But we also know that images are important, and symbols of greater truths and realities, and so entirely valid of respect. You wouldn’t rip up a photograph of your earthly beloved, and you know that they aren’t literally embodied in the photo, yet you might still carry it with you in fondness, and kiss it in sudden outpourings of love, when they are not physically nearby. Our veneration of holy images is the same.
Related, this is basically the difference between our veneration of images of Christ– God Incarnate– and images of angels & saints, notably His Blessed Mother. We still love them and honor them as our literal friends and family in Christ, but we know they aren’t God. They just love Him too, in ways courageous and humble and beautiful enough for us to look up to them in hopeful inspiration, asking them to pray for us, that we may imitate their love in their humanity all the more. In honoring their images, we show our love for them as we do to all the people close to our hearts, and we show our love for God through our recognition of their love of Him and devotion to Him.
There is this truly sweet and moving hierarchy of “cascading love” from God to His Son to His Spirit, all the way down to us, through steps upon blessed steps of His children. Honoring the saints is a very intimate way of recognizing this, and our place in it.
Imagine Jesus crucified in your arms and on your chest, and say a hundred times as you kiss His chest, “This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul; nothing will ever separate me from His love.”
-Saint Padre Pio
Every single time I read this, I break down in tears.
Dearest Jesus, my Lord and my God, inscribe this prayer into the very atoms of my own heart. May I reflect on Your love and Your sacrifice, both unfathomable in their greatness, and may I honor and comfort You with every breath. Jesus, I have no hope but You. I have no happiness apart from You, no joy outside of You. May I love you with everything I am. You are the heart of my soul. You are the heart of my soul. You are everything I have, You are everything I could ever need, You are the only thing I will ever want. Nothing can ever separate us; I consecrate myself to you forever. Your love has been proven forever on the Cross– may I prove mine to You by joining You there, here, in my heart nailed to Yours. I love you.
"Jesus hath many lovers of His Heavenly Kingdom, but few bearers of His Cross." -Thomas à Kempis
And yet, there is no way to heaven outside of the Cross. Jesus is the Way, and that is the Way He walked, in all humble obedience to His Father, and in all love for His Father’s people. If we hope to share in His resurrection, if we hope to follow Him to heaven, then we must follow in His footsteps… and that means walking the road of Calvary with Him, with the same humble obedience and love.
"If you find yourself with a cross, you find yourself with Jesus." -Fr. Mike Schmitz
This alone should move us to accept all our crosses with unshakable joy.
"When you are obedient I take away your weakness and replace it with My Strength. I am very surprised that souls do not want to make that exchange with Me." -Jesus, to Saint Faustina
I think many of us poor souls don’t have enough faith in this truth! We doubt– “but I’m too weak,” or “will He really help me do this?” Pride and fear stifle the obedient surrender to His Grace that allows His strength to flow through us.
Dear Lord, increase our faith, so that we may take great leaps of it in joyful service to you!
I have never found greater peace, deeper joy, or the true presence of Almighty God so much as in the times I have spent alone with Him in a silent church, especially before the exposed Blessed Sacrament.
God is Literally Present with us in Eucharistic Exposition. To be able to even exist in the same room as Him is a staggering honor and privilege that numberless souls before Christ’s coming could only dream of having. We have seen the face of God and lived. And why? Because He loves us so much thatHe WANTS to be with us, here on earth, even now, and chooses to be with us, as ineffably humble and fragile and powerful and glorious as in that tiny white Host. He gives us all the opportunity to “stay with Him one hour,” to comfort and console Him, to love Him in return, to experience His peace and joy in a world wracked by sin.
Pray. Visit the Lord and pray, with all your heart, in sorrow and pain and joy and gratitude and everything else. Pray to Him, for He waits for you, and He is listening to you, and He loves you.
“God can use you to do great things if you believe more in his love than in your own weakness.”
Focusing on our weaknesses and inability is a subtle form of pride– it says, “why try, if I might fail or look foolish or be laughed at?” Pride looks for excuses not to do God’s work, if that work can’t be done by human power, or without human glory. But God doesn’t factor those things into the equation at all! God looks at our weak spots and says, “that’s what I’m going to use in you, to bring glory to My divine power.” And it’s scary to obey that at first, with pride still shouting in self-preservation. But if we humbly surrender– “Thy will be done”– and rely on faith in His strength to achieve what we cannot, then He will achieve it. God is not in this for pride or fame or accolades. God wants to glorify Himself because He alone is worthy of glory– because He IS Love and Truth and Justice and Mercy.
God can and will use you as an instrument of love if you respond to His call in love. Surrender joyfully to His direction, and watch Him do great things in the world around you. It’s like being a literal musical instrument, a violin perhaps, unable to make any music on its own. You may be afraid to be used, as you may not think you are well-made, or because all other musicians who played you were poor in talent… but God is THE virtuoso, and He WILL bring beautiful melodies out of you; music that can move hearts and touch souls and change lives. The praise is not for the violin, but the violinist. Yet what an honor and privilege it is to be such an intimate part of His plan!
Fear not; we’re all here for God’s purposes, and He will strengthen us to achieve them if we trust in Him. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses, and against all odds. Rest in the peace of His sovereignty.
“Lord, take me from myself and give me to Yourself.”
The imagery of this is deeply striking; to “take” oneself from the self, which selfishly clings and hoards, and “give” oneself to God, as lovingly and selflessly as a Christmas present. It’s an admission of one’s fallen nature, one’s helplessness to change without grace, one’s daily struggle with sin… and it’s an admission of the omnipotence of God, the worthiness of God over the world in claiming us, and the gentle love of God in effectively saving us from ourselves to deliver us into compassion.
It’s a beautiful, powerful little prayer, and we should all pray it in our own lives, as often as we stumble.
“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, “Thy will be done,” and those to whom God says in the end, “Thy will be done.””
Genuine happiness is only found in holiness, which seems ironic in the eyes of the world, but which is the most self-evident truth to he eyes of faith. And Christian happiness is more than just happiness– it is unshakable joy!
Psalm 100 expresses the heart of holy happiness briefly and well: “Earth, sing to the Lord! Be happy as you serve the Lord! Come before him with happy songs! Know that the Lord is God. He made us, and we belong to him. We are his people, the sheep he takes care of. Come through the gates to his Temple giving thanks to him. Enter his courtyards with songs of praise. Honor him and bless his name. The Lord is good! There is no end to his faithful love. We can trust him forever and ever!” (Psalm 100:1-5 ERV)
This Christian happiness is also completely subversive to the ways of the world. It is anchored in Christ, and so it is untouched by external circumstances– and in fact flourishes in difficult times, whereas worldly ‘happiness’ crumbles in the face of hardship and discomfort. Saint Paul illustrates this most beautifully: “God showed me so many things that were very great and special. But he did not want me to start thinking, as a result, that I myself was too great or special. So, he let me have something sharp and painful in my body, to stop me from thinking like that. This painful thing is an angel from Satan, that he sent to hurt me. But he said to me: ‘I myself will help you and I will make you strong. I am everything that you need. When you are weak, then I will be powerful in you. Then I will show more completely how powerful I myself am.’ So, I am very happy to speak about how weak I am. When I am weak, then Christ’s power stays over me. That is why I am very happy to be weak. I am happy when people say bad things about me. Sometimes I do not have things that I need. But I am happy then too. I am happy when people cause trouble and pain for me. I am happy when I am in difficulties. I am happy about these things because of Christ. Because when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:7, 9-10 EASY)
Holiness is achieved by striving to obey the will of God and become more and more like Christ. As we do so, our happiness and joy increases accordingly. Yes, true happiness is to be found in serving God alone, for He alone is Good, Worthy, and Everlasting. Rejoice in what a blessed privilege it is to be called His People– the very sheep of His beloved flock!
The biggest problem in America – the American Church is telling people you can have God and have the world. It is unbiblical and unscriptural.
“Do not love the world or anything that belongs to the world. If you love the world, you do not love the Father. Everything that belongs to the world — what the sinful self desires, what people see and want, and everything in this world that people are so proud of — none of this comes from the Father; it all comes from the world. The world and everything in it that people desire is passing away; but those who do the will of God live for ever.” (1 John 2:15-17 GNBDK)
Another unique translation that says it straight:
“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.” (1 John 2:15-17 MSG)
We are not here to gather people, we are here to see lives transformed – see people changed. It’s not about accepting Christ. It’s about surrendering to Christ. It’s about giving up everything you have.
The wording here is shocking, but it is true. You can easily “accept Christ” as a Savior, as a Redeemer, but He does not become your Savior and your Redeemer until you surrender your life to Him. Acceptance does not imply obedience. Acceptance is a mental action– surrender and transformation are heart actions. Acceptance is logic, surrender is love. “Gathering followers” is what you do on Tumblr, not in a church! The church’s goal is to build up the body of Christ, to call sinners to Him to be saved, to show the path to Heaven through the Son… and we cannot be part of His body, of His life, until we give Him ours. We cannot be saved if we don’t admit and understand our depravity and humble ourselves before Him. We cannot come to heaven without dying to hell, and that means dying to sin… dying to self. Again, accepting all these things as true does not mean doing them. They are two distinct things. Acceptance comes first, but without surrender following, our faith remains hollow.
Is your faith based on your acceptance of the Truth alone? Is that acceptance bearing fruit, and transforming your life? Have you truly surrendered all aspects of your life to Jesus, or are you holding on in fear, unwilling to give Him all that you have? When you say Jesus is your Savior, are you proving that by imitating Him in your actions? Or is that just something you say, but don’t truly testify to? Examine your heart today. Deepen your faith. Give everything to Christ. He’s waiting for you!
"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own." (1 Corinthians 6:19)
We need to be reminded of this daily.
God has sent His Spirit to us, to dwell in our hearts and guide us… and His Son, through the Eucharist, gives Himself to us in the same way, tangibly. And ultimately, every atom in our bodies is shaped by God, and belongs to Him, to be returned to Him when we die.
Everything about our body is holy. The only thing desecrating it is sin. Today, and always, we pray that, through our baptism into Christ, we will be washed ever the more clean by His Precious Blood, and so keep His earthly temples holy!
“You have to be humble to treasure the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Arrogant people do not go to confession.”
— Fr. Donald Calloway
I make it a point to make a thorough confession every weekend now, and it has gracefully gotten me into the habit of constant self-examination. It is, honestly, humiliating, and thank God for that. Going to regular confession made me realize just how much I was sinning– how many of my sins were repetitive, addictive, ingrained, unquestioned… now my heart is ever more rightly disposed to think through every action and thought, to be vigilant against temptation, and to be aware of my moral weak spots, because it knows that, every Saturday evening, I have to confess all of it. But it’s not a legal compulsion. Confession is humbling because it’s a sacrament of mercy and love. I go into that tiny chamber and I agonizedly admit ALL the evils I have been responsible for over the past week, aching with tearful remorse, and you know what happens next? God pardons me. Through His blessed Priest, He sends forgiveness like an ocean to wash away the stains of sin from my soul, so I can try again– better this time, wiser, humbled, more loving, more prayerful, more reliant on God instead of my sorry self. I strive to avoid sinning because I am utterly ashamed of it, yes, but why am I ashamed? Because sin hurts God and I love Him. Confession is flat-out admitting that I’ve been a terrible friend, that I’ve been a poor partner, that I’ve been a dishonourable child– to GOD, above all. And that love that I’ve failed to live up to is the absolute core of my contrition.
Confession requires humility, and humility requires love.
Go to confession. It will change your life.
“Make no mistake; God is not mocked, for a person will reap only what he sows.”
Galatians 6:7
I think about this constantly. It is an absolutely vital warning against hypocrisy, and the lethal danger of assuming God’s mercy.
Yes, God is merciful, but He is not a pushover. Ever. God demands holiness and righteousness. God hates sin and pride and lukewarmness. If we sow sin, whether through self-indulgence or unforgiveness or scandal or shirking responsibility, we WILL reap sin. God will not hand-wave it off because we’re allegedly “trying” yet know full well that we’re not trying hard enough. We can’t plant rotten, spoiled, half-eaten seeds and expect God to magically grant us a good harvest. No. We must do our part as Christians. We must HONOR GOD in our lives! Think about it– is your behavior currently testifying to the glory of God, or are you mocking Him by living like a sin-soaked citizen of this fallen world, and yet calling yourself Christian?
We will reap what we sow. In the end, only the wheat gets gathered up into the barn. Your very soul is at stake. Be diligent.
Effort is a reflection of interest.
How interested are you in your faith? Does it capture your attention more than the latest celebrity news? Does it occupy your thoughts more than your latest fandom? Does it claim your focus more than sex, food, travel, gossip, culture, and comedy? When you are bored and listless, do you pick up your phone or do you pray? Do you spend more time scrolling on Tumblr or studying Scripture? Do you put all your effort into faith, or fun?
If you were to die tomorrow, would the interests of today still interest you?
If your faith is lukewarm and stagnant, it’s a sign that your true attention is oriented elsewhere. Set your heart on heaven, not hedonism. We’re all guilty of worldliness in our own ways, and we’re all too aware that such fleeting pleasures never satisfy. It’s time to get our priorities in the proper order. Get interested in your soul, and get interested in your Savior. Everything else will follow.
“There is no prayer more agreeable to God, or more profitable to the soul, than that which is made during the thanksgiving after Communion”
- St. Alphonsus
In those moments, we are truly praying in the name of the Lord, for He is literally within us at that time. Physically as well as spiritually. Do you realize how numinously profound that is? After receiving the Eucharist, we have the honorable opportunity to pray in union with Christ. That is huge. Just contemplating it makes my knees weak.
We are so, so blessed. Our gratitude must be equally limitless.
Sometimes we expect God to make some big, existential request.
But perhaps you are useful to him just by existing and trying your best to live out the Gospel.
–An email from Ascension Presents
As someone living with a disability, who frequently feels useless and helpless in this world… this is deeply reassuring, and deeply moving.
God values my life right where it’s at. He brought me to this place and position for a purpose. Maybe all He needs me to do right now is love Him where I’m at, with all the humility and sacrifice and dedication that entails. Nothing bigger, nothing smaller. Just existing for Him. That is enough.
Thank you for sharing this.
"It took many years for me to reach the depths of the abyss in which God found me. Why would I ever think it would take less time, less effort to climb His Holy Mountain?"
This is a profoundly humbling, hopeful truth. It’s a game-changer, really, on the path of holiness. We must be as patient as we are diligent.
Let us detach ourselves from the earth by a profound piety.
I’ve been praying for this every day lately. Oh, that every moment of my life would be like that– focused entirely on my Lord!
God, increase our piety through love of You, so that we may be affixed to You alone!
The Lord greatly loves the repenting sinner and mercifully presses him to His bosom: “Where were you, My child? I was waiting a long time for you.” The Lord calls all to Himself with the voice of the Gospel, and his voice is heard in all the world: “Come to me, my sheep. I created you, and I love you. My love for you brought Me to earth, and I suffered all things for the sake of your salvation, and I want you all to know my love, and to say, like the apostles on Tabor: Lord, it is good for us to be with You.”
St. Silouan
This moves me to absolute tears. What love God has for us poor sinners! When we feel lost in sin, we must remember this. We are all prodigal children.
It is so, so Good to be with our Lord… and best of all, He wants us to be with Him. Go home to Him. He is waiting with open arms.
there’s something beautiful that happens when God becomes your only option.
We are surrounded by a cacophany of sounds and signs and choices and options. So much to fill our minds to the point of overflowing. Yet what is it that is pouring into us and thus out of us? We feel that we have more options today than any day in history. And it is so. The truth, though, is that we have never needed more options. Our deception is in the desire for more. We have always needed just one. My God, how I have needed just one.
I am honestly moved to tears at this. It is absolute truth.
I have endured a great deal of loss in life. I have very little left in the world. But now, I see it was all by the loving mercy of God, for I never needed any of it– I needed Him. I need Him now; I will always need Him, and in Him, all my needs are met.
My God, You are the One I need. Just You. Only You.
…And I have You. By Your grace, by Your love, by Your Son, I have You… and oh, in that truth, You have me, too… and I neither desire nor need anything more, forever.
There is nothing more beautiful than that.
“The Eucharist is the Sacrament of Love; it signifies love, it produces love. The Eucharist is the consummation of the whole spiritual life.”
God is Love. God, as Christ Jesus, is truly Present in the Eucharist. In humbling Himself to become our bread, we see the depth and ardor of His Love… the Host itself is the living symbol of the ultimate Love of God, who sacrificed Himself to save sinners and then sought even further to dwell within their very bodies, making us holy and making us whole. This intimate union with Love Himself literally transforms us into that Love, through Him. Therefore we cannot help but grow in Love, as Love grows in us.
To receive our very Savior, so closely, so truly, so sincerely… how it moves the heart to tremble! Indeed, we cannot get any closer to heaven while on earth, than when we partake of the Eucharist!
You could write whole libraries full of exultations of the Eucharist and still never cease to have more to say. It is an eternal wellspring of gracious joy and gratitude and love. It is utterly wonderful. How blessed we are!!
“It is impossible for a person who prays regularly to remain in serious sin; because the two are incompatible, one or the other will have to be given up.” -Saint Teresa of Avila
It’s like trying to pour two different liquids into a cup. The more we pray, the less room there is for sin… and vice versa. Eventually, we will become filled with one or the other, either vice or virtue, and that will spill out of our hearts into the world around us. The choice is ours, but either way, the cup will be filled.
God please give me the grace to believe that You do forgive my past. That the guilt of my sin is washed away. Out of the darkness of my past you call me into Your light of today. Let my life be forgotten even as I have forgotten you. Be the life that I have forsaken, that Your love may pour out onto all that surround me.
Crucify me with you. This is the only path.
☝️Amen.
Forgive me, for I knew not what I did.
Correct me, so that I know what it is I have done.
Direct me, that I may do Your will alone.
You are the only Way, and you are the only Truth, and you must become my only Life. Crucify me with you, that I may die to everything else, and be reborn through Your merciful love.
“No earthly pleasures, no kingdoms of this world can benefit me in any way. I prefer death in Christ Jesus to power over the farthest limits of the earth. He who died in place of us is the one object of my quest. He who rose for our sakes is my one desire. Do not talk about Jesus Christ as long as you love this world.”
Christ alone is worthy, Christ alone is gain. Jesus, the Son of God, is to be treasured above everything else in existence, for He created it all, and is greater than it all, and will exist beyond it all. Literally nothing in the world is of any interest or desire to a fervent Christian, for they feel this fact in their very bones. Christ must be our world, our universe; our only home, our only love.
Meditate on this quote. Let it soak into your soul and ring from your lips. It is truth. May we all live it sincerely as such.
“If we but paused for a moment to consider attentively what takes place in this Sacrament, I am sure that the thought of Christ’s love for us would transform the coldness of our hearts into a fire of love and gratitude.”
— St. Angela of Foligno
I can attest to this truth. Christ, our God become man, gives His very self to us as divine food, so we can literally make Him part of ourselves– so He can be closer to us than He was incarnate. The humility, the compassion, the love, are unfathomable and ineffable and heartbreakingly profound. But our heart grasps a glimmer, and that alone sets it utterly aflame.
May we always remember this truth, in every moment of our lives, and may we ever more adore the Lord in the most holy Eucharist!
“He who prays most receives most.”
— St. Alphonsus de Liguori
Ask and you shall receive– but the asking must be born of honest faith! We must show our trust and reliance on God through frequent sincere prayer. God delights to help all who ask Him, just as any good father delights to help his children.
“I tell you, that every man who delights in his own will, and is subdued to his own thoughts, and takes up the things sown in his heart, and rejoices in them, and supposes in his heart that these are some great mystery, and justifies himself in what he does- the soul of such a man is a lair of evil spirits, counselling him to evil, and his body a store of evil mysteries in which it hides itself.”
— Saint Anthony
This is EXACTLY how I thought and lived while afflicted with D.I.D. I was so obsessed with deciphering, cataloging, and exploring my “inner lore” that I had no time for God– even worse, was the fact that I thought I was spending all my time in worship, convinced that immersing myself in my thoughts and feelings was leading me to discover secret truths about God. Little did I know, I was only worshipping myself. I trusted the voices I heard, I followed their advice, I believed they were angels come to help me heal… but I forgot that when angels fall, they become demons… and that anything that idolizes “I” is a false teacher, no matter how mystical and beautiful and intelligent and gentle they appear… and no matter how loving they claim to be. Self-love is still pride, and a flower-strewn stroll to hell is still ending in damnation. And I had no idea. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
And then one day it all collapsed in on itself, and God swept me back up into His arms, and my heart suddenly, tragically, joyfully, devastatedly realized how abjectly hollow and horrid my life had truly been without Him.
Now, I see my past for what it was. I was completely deluded. I lost a lot of friends with this realization, as they claimed I was “no longer the person they loved” and that’s true. The person they loved was a self-centered fool, who didn’t even know who they were to begin with– because they didn’t know God. I was my own idol back then, and when I shockingly realized that my “friends” thought the same way about themselves– well, I had to cut everything off cold. I left it all behind and went back to Christ, utterly alone and poor and afraid and disoriented, but full of genuine hope for the first time in my life.
I’m still recovering. I still have a lot of toxic habits to unlearn. I still struggle with a lot of sinful compulsions. But God has never given up on me, not once in fifteen solid years of utter madness and “evil mysteries.” I am learning to subdue my will and humble my soul under God’s hand, and yes it is frightening and difficult at times, but the joy and love are ever present. That is something my mental illness never had. And by God’s grace, I will never go back.
I need to read this over and over, to remember the pit from whence I was mercifully dragged. Thank God, thank God, thank God!!
“Just consider the Christian who is trying, even in a small way, to save his soul. Everything around him inclines him to evil; he can hardly lift his eyes without being tempted, in spite of all his prayers and penances. And yet a hardened sinner, who for the past twenty years has been wallowing in sin, will tell you that he is not tempted! So much the worse, my friend, so much the worse! That is precisely what should make you tremble—that you do not know what temptations are….St. Augustine tells us that the greatest temptation is not to have temptations because this means that one is a person who has been rejected, abandoned by God, and left entirely in the grip of one’s own passions.”
— St. John Vianney
This is SO IMPORTANT!
Temptation is a test for our soul. To be able to be tempted at all, there must be something to tempt us away from! For example, if you feel the temptation to steal, then you are aware that stealing is wrong, and this is a test for you– will you give in to the world’s coercion, to its mandate of selfish interest and desire, or will you resist, and stand strong in God’s will– to sacrifice our self-indulgence and suffer for the sake of Christ? Will you reject the desire to have more, or to rely on self sufficiency, instead of depending on God and trusting Him to provide according to His Good Will? To experience temptation means we are being given the opportunity to practice that choice… to prove the allegiance of our heart. If someone does not feel a “temptation” to steal, but instead takes what they want without remorse or even a sense of impropriety, then they are living so deeply in sinful indulgence that they have lost the very desire to do what is right, because they can no longer see it– they see their sin as being right; they see “nothing wrong” with their evil act, or even see it as justified, and thus they are blind to the very thought of another option, one of righteous self-sacrifice… and so they do not experience temptation.
If you struggle with temptation, then you are still fighting the spiritual war, and that is good– it means you are not a prisoner of the world. Christ has redeemed us from bondage, but He has not taken away our battles. The world is fighting Him to try and steal you away from Him, but Christ is already and forever the Victor… so no matter how much we may have to endure, we can do so with steadfast courage, knowing that ultimately, sin loses. Temptation is the siren song of the enemy’s strategy, promising us comfort and pleasure and excitement and power, failing to mention that we’ll die if we taste that fruit; no matter how delicious it may be, it is ash in our stomach, and can never satisfy. Resist it! If we must go hungry in this world for the sake of the Kingdom, so be it– for we have the Bread of Life, worth infinitely more than any earthly delight! When you are tempted, remember this.
The devil will never cease trying to lure you away from God, but no amount of empty riches or pleasures will ever amount to anything true or lasting. Seek God instead, reject the sinful urge, and hold fast to hope and prayer. Temptation will then only serve to strengthen your resolve to follow Christ. God grant us all the grace to set our hearts on Him alone, and to never be numb to the test!
“Withdraw your heart from the world before God takes your body from it.”
We may die at any moment! We do not know God’s timing… but we do know His will for our lives until then– to worship Him, to love Him, to love our fellow man, and to live for His Kingdom.
If our heart is attached to the world, it cannot do those things, because love of the world results in selfishness, greed, lust, impatience, impurity, self-worship, idleness, desire, anger, neurosis, depression, hollowness, and all other such vices. That is because the world is fallen, and shackled to death through sin! So to focus on the world is to be enslaved to death. It is a prison with no hope of reprieve, and the existential dread of a worldly life is a terror I daresay we have all tasted at some point in our temporal lives.
Turn to God, for He is life, light, and love. When our hearts cling to Christ, they learn joy, patience, compassion, generosity, gentleness, purity, perseverance, hope, courage, wisdom, grace, and a multitude of other virtues. This is because now, our sights are set on a deeper life– on heaven, unity with God! This gives us the strength to not only happily let go of all interest in this world, but also to endure all hardships within it, because we are full of love for God and our hope is secure, so we can focus on showing and testifying to that love no matter what.
Our time is short, but if you’re still breathing, you can always return to God. If you seek life, renounce the culture of death. Live for the sake of your soul and its true home with God, and death will hold no fear for you.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. they will be satisfied.
NOT the hungry alone! There is NO PROMISE that they will be fed physically. That is a bodily need, but spiritual need trumps even that. Our SOULS hunger WILL be satisfied.
Seeking the face of God, psalm 42-- hungering for Him. Jesus TOLD US how to see God-- God is IN HIM, and Jesus is IN THE "LEAST OF HIS PEOPLE." THIS is why saints are so zealous for the poor and rejected-- in them, THE FACE OF GOD-- who humbled Himself to be humiliated and mortified and suffer-- IS IN THEIR FACES!
Please, please pray for my grandmother. She is coughing up blood this morning and we don’t know why. Please pray that this is an innocuous and curable condition. I love her dearly and I’m worried sick, but I am putting this in God’s hands. Thank you all sincerely for your care and your prayers.
This… this, for me, captures the essence of that initial command of Creation. “Let there be light.” And so it was. Just… jubilant, eternal light and love, there, above the vast chaotic waters, speaking everything into cosmic order with an exuberance of ardent will that cannot possibly be comprehended by man. God, creating. And it was Good.
Last night, I dreamt about Chaos 0 and I getting married.
Today was a miserable day, full of sickness, but the eating disorder symptoms highlighted the root of the problem-- it's a dissociative forcing habit. It's because I "don't exist" when I'm eating. It's a sort of "death"; a suicide stand-in. I don't want to kill myself, and I don't want to die, but apparently part of my mind is terrified of living, and is taking a halfway step with this.
The "true me" only comes out in writing because THE TRUE ME DOESN'T EXIST IN THE FLESH!!
THIS IS A PROBLEM ACTUALLY; I have NEVER had honest identification with the body in a Christian respect and that is PREVENTING ME from living IN IT in a HOLY WAY.
TBAS STOLE the entire Dream World/ Jewel Monsters concept and is PROMOTING IT ONLINE AS IF IT WERE THEIRS.
"The concept belongs to someone who isn't online anymore, so forward all questions about it to me!!" basically.
I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AND WEEP FOR YEARS HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, HOW COULD YOU TAKE THE LITERAL HEART OF MY CHILD-SELF AND MY ENTIRE HISTORY OF IMAGINATION AND PRETEND THAT IT IS YOUR PLAYTHING HOW DARE YOU
I honestly want to throw up
I am so angry. So angry.
I need to get the actual thing out there. Somehow. Just… get back to drawing it and promoting it NOW. As it REALLY IS.
Part of me actually wants to shame them. Like… show that the whole "Jewel Monster" concept is deeply Catholic and ALWAYS WAS and is supposed to revolve around VIRTUE and FAITH and GOD and CHRIST and you can't just invent a "prophet of play" because THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS, PROPHETS ARE MESSENGERS OF GOD, NOT FUN LITTLE AVATARS OF THE CONCEPT-OF-THE-WEEK, this is borderline blasphemy.
They absolutely MURDERED Justice & Revenge's storyline to the point where I had to literally ERASE IT from the entire history, RENAME them, and START THEIR ENTIRE STORY OVER FROM SCRATCH. Because they decided that a sexual hacker's nightmare was more "cool" or "beautiful" than the truth.
I don't like being this genuinely angry and hateful but there's so much agony over this, God what do I do?
God, help me to forgive, but also please don't let me pretend this is justifiable because IT IS NOT OKAY.
"A small leak will sink a great ship, and a small spark will kindle a great fire, and a little allowed sin in like manner will ruin an immortal soul." -J.C. Ryle
"Do you not know that a little yeast leavens the whole batch of dough?" (1 Corinthians 5:6)
Sin never arrives as a single snowflake-- to allow one "little sin," o permit one "tiny stumble," even if it looks harmless and appealing, is to expose your soul to an entire blizzard of increasing coldness of heart, until the inevitable avalanche buries you.
Sin is not a grey cloud, that you can get away with living under. Storms gather, no matter what you do. Sin is as black as a sunless sky, a lethal maelstrom that knows nothing of mercy. Either you follow the light of the Sun, or end up dwelling in darkness. You cannot afford to spare a single second.
“Praying and sinning will never live together in the same heart. Prayer will consume sin, or sin will choke prayer.” -J.C. Ryle
When you are tempted to sin, PRAY! This reconnects your heart to God and gives you the grace you need to listen, obey, and either overcome or endure. If you cling to God, if you consecrate yourself to Him, choosing to love Him rather than the world no matter what… then you CANNOT sin, for the very thought of disobeying and displeasing your beloved Lord becomes utterly loathsome.
A strong, faithful, continuous prayer life is both mandatory and inevitable in a genuinely Christian life. The more we pray, the less we sin… the less we pray, the more we sin. Either we’re listening to God, or we’re listening to Satan. Either we are serving the Father, or we are slaves to the Tempter. This is the spiritual warfare of our lives. Which side is your heart on?
If you show me a man deliberately living an unholy and licentious life, and yet boasting that his sins are forgiven, I answer, 'He is under a ruinous delusion, and is not forgiven at all.' I would not believe he is forgiven if an angel from heaven affirmed it, and I charge you not to believe it too. Pardon of sin and love of sin are like oil and water; they will never go together. All who are washed in the blood of Christ, are also sanctified by the Spirit of Christ. -J.C. Ryle
Sin is the antithesis of faith, because sin is rebellion, and love is obedience. If we love God, we must obey Him, and that occurs naturally when we love Him, for we seek to please Him and grow ever closer to Him with an adoring heart. Yes, we still stumble into sin, but it grieves us, and we pray fervently for the grace to overcome it, and to amend our lives– even if that sin is habitual and addictive. Out of love for our Father, we are willing to sacrifice anything and everything that leads us to sin, no matter what He calls us to do to achieve that… and we never give up hope, for we trust that God will bring this good work into completion in us, for His sake, through His Son (Philippians 1:6). Out of love, we choose the cross over comfort, and we carry it with humble, patient, courageous faith. This is the mark of true repentance.
If someone chooses to sin, though, and enjoys that sin, and/or prioritizes that sinful behavior or mindset above God and worship of Him, yet claims that this very sin is forgiven, that person is gravely mistaken. Yes, God is forgiving, but we must do our half of he work. God ONLY cleanses us of our guilt THROUGH CHRIST, and to receive that great mercy, we must travel His Way, the only way, the narrow way… we must crucify our sins with Him. Pardon requires repentance. And repentance is proven by its fruits. You cannot serve two masters; you CANNOT love sin, and claim to love God as well. Jesus died to save us from sin, to bear our guilt, and so our deserved penalty for sin is what He suffered. THERE is our forgiveness– dying and bleeding on the wretched gibbet! Can you look to your Savior there, wounded and crushed, by choice, because He loves you– and still choose to indulge in sin? No. Either love will win out, or selfishness will. Either you repent and amend your life, staying at the foot of the cross, following Jesus to the grave and beyond… or you turn around, walk away, continue to live as if nothing happened, and lose out on the resurrection. It is your choice. Choose rightly.
I try to keep a mindset of prayer no matter what I’m doing, and I constantly talk to God, Mary, and the angels & saints throughout my day, but it is also absolutely vital to make specific time for formal prayer.
I have alarms set on my phone for the Liturgy of the Hours and the Angelus, I take daily time to read & prayerfully study Scripture, I stop at 3pm each day to say a prayer to Divine Mercy (and I want to get back to saying the Divine Mercy chaplet at that time too), and since my grandmother and I are members of the Legion of Mary, we say those prayers and rosary together every evening.
But, even so, it never feels like enough, and I’m actually grateful for that. I want to “hunger and thirst” for God so much that nothing in this world can satisfy me– I want to always ardently seek Him more, to pray more, worship more, attend Mass more, et cetera. That is a goal I sincerely endeavor and hope to pursue with all sincerely and zeal until the day I die.
God knows I am still a terrible sinner, struggling daily with addiction and temptation and bad habits and laziness… I am constantly brought to my knees in weeping shame and contrition. Yet this drives me to pray all the more, thank God, as I seek His mercy and guidance and justice and love in my life, knowing that ONLY He can save and heal and redeem me. No matter how much I pray, that will not gain me any merit, and I have absolutely no right or reason to boast in it. God knows that I could spend every breath and heartbeat in prayer and it would never be sufficient return for what He has done for me. He deserves all that I can give and infinitely more. But I want to pray because I love Him. I don’t want to pray as “payment owed;” turning it into a business obligation sucks all the innocent honesty out of it. I want all my prayers to flow freely and fervently from an adoring heart, one that cannot help but pray, because it cannot help but love. That’s prayer, and that’s what I want to spend my while life doing.
All glory, honor, and praise be given to our merciful God!!
God seeks creators, not destroyers. For the creator of good is thus destroying evil. And the one who sets out to destroy evil will quickly forget about creating good and turn into a villain. - St. Nicholai Velimirovic
This is a vital distinction. Destruction is the devil’s work; he seeks to tear down and throw away and rip apart, but he never puts anything good in its place. He can’t. Creation is GOD’S job, and His alone! God only creates, and fixes, and purifies. Good and evil cannot exist in the same place, so even if our Creator does seem to destroy something, He is in fact dismantling what is corrupt or sinful or hindering, and bringing Good things into existence in its place. This is always the case, and I know we can all attest to this in our lives.
Let us join God in His holy work, for this is a huge privilege as His children, and one full of joy. Let us do good for His sake, to let Him bring ever more goodness into the world through us.
“God is infinitely wise. He does nothing whimsically. Nothing randomly. Everything is according to wisdom.”
— John Piper
No exceptions– remember this in difficult times! He is forever trustworthy.
Silence, humility, and faithful trust all work together. May we all take time this Sunday to truly read, listen, reflect, and integrate God’s Word into our lives. May we have the courage and trust to follow the Spirit even when the world, and our own wild emotions, are shouting against His still small voice.
God is bigger than: your past, your pain, your anger, your fear, your scars, your insecurities, your sin. Write "amen" if you agree.
AMEN. He is infinitely greater, and He can and will save us from these pains and vices… if we have faith in Him, and give it all to Him TO remove and heal! The question is not “will He,” but “will we?”
Let our hearts cry out Amen, Lord– yes, Lord, I believe– I surrender it all– Thy Will Be Done!!
“Heaven grant that I may live to accomplish the Will of my God!”
— St. Joseph his oft repeated words, revealed to St. Bridget of Sweden
From what we have learned of Saint Joseph’s character through both Scripture and saintly revelation, he was a beautifully pious and charitable man, truly a model of virtuous manhood for all ages. Simply by reading this, the zealous love in his heart for God is brilliantly apparent, and honestly moves my own heart to tears.
Good Saint Joseph, foster father of our Redeemer, pray for us!
“There certainly has remained with me the feeling that my identity is entirely illusory, and that by losing it I have lost nothing, except something, except everything.”
— ‘The Trouble with Being Born’ E.M. Cioran
It is, and it isn’t. Identity based on temporal things will inevitably be just as temporal, but while it exists, it exists, like colors on leaves. True identity is rooted in God, the unchanging. Losing THAT sense of identity is indeed losing everything. But to lose the temporal, however totally, might indeed be devastating in magnitude, but in the end… you’ve lost nothing. Yes you lost something, yes you’ve lost everything, but it can all be rebuilt, reimagined, reinvented. Yet even that will one day shift and fade and change and be lost. That’s the nature of human identity. We must be at peace with that, while holding true to the permanence of God in our hearts.
If needed, lose friends, not Jesus.
Let me tell you from remorseful experience– trying to keep friends that don’t want to keep Jesus is spiritually excruciating, and it will either destroy your conscience for the sake of compromise, or remove you from those relationships to restore you to God.
It’s all well and good to preach the Gospel to unbelieving friends, but when and if they repeatedly make it clear that they prefer an anti-Christian way of life, and/or that they don’t take your message, morals, or the Mass seriously, as it were… then you need to respectfully part ways. Even the Apostles were warned to not waste their time speaking to those who are effectively plugging their ears to your words, instead being urged to go elsewhere, seeking more receptive hearts.
Friends come and go, and God wants your friends to be His friends, too, for His sake and yours. It is painful and difficult to let go of a friend, even for the faith, because we still love them and would rather stay to show that… but God must still come first. If a friend is endangering your faith or morals, choose to lose them instead of Christ… and then pray that God may win their hearts to His, that they too may come to know His love, and that your friendship may be restored anew, either in this life or the next.
“And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel’s, But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.” (Mark 10:29-30 KJV)
Bible study tip: read the Bible slowly. Why? There is revelation in every single line no matter how boring you think it is. It is often the parts that we find irrelevant that God is trying to speak to us through.
Nothing God says or does is irrelevant– the blessed irony of us judging any word of Scripture as such is that God will ultimately use it even more notably in our life for His glory. He always works through the weak and humble; we must meet Him there, in the words that bring us there.
Anonymous asked: Posting hate in tags and threatening passages from a group that practices hate towards another violates tumblr tos and this journal has been reported.
Friend, I am genuinely baffled as to what you consider to be “hate.” Can you give an example? All my tags are multiple-use and are meant to categorize content. Furthermore, I have no hatred towards any person, nor any interest in acting cruelly for any reason. As a Christian I am obligated, joyfully, to love, and so I humbly do my best to.
As for “threatening” passages, again, this is not the intent. Scripture is corrective and rebukes spiritually harmful behavior. I share these hard but vital truths because they are just as important and applicable to me, in my struggle against sin, as they are to my neighbors.
Christianity is, by its very definition, a religion of love. Ill will is antithetical to all its adherents. There is, as a result, no malice whatsoever on this blog.
I am deeply sorry that you have felt hurt by my posts, but again, no harm is ever intended– just stern reproof for love’s sake.
The fear of God isn't being afraid of Him. It's being afraid of being away from Him.
Just like a little child fears being separated from their parents, just like a babe reaches for its mother when afraid… the “fear” of God is a fear of offending God, of distancing Him from us, of anything that could drive us apart. Holy fear is a result of love.
Jesus said; If you love me, ❌Like ❌Share ❌Type yes ❌Type amen ✅OBEY MY COMMANDMENTS.
Our love, and our obedience, must be proven in fire. Anyone can click, type, or repeat words with an empty heart. But a heart full of ardor towards God will live that love even in the most difficult circumstances, even without any hope of comfort or ease, approval or attention. To love God means to find all our reassurance and reward in Him alone. If you love Him, obey Him, for His sake, no matter what.
A life with Jesus is not a negotiation, you don’t get to choose what you want to follow. To experience true life, you need to die to self.
Original sin, and every sin, is effectively negotiation– choosing not to follow the rules we don’t “agree with” or “approve of!” But we don’t have that rebellious option if we want to be children of God. Humility is mandatory. Our “approval” means nothing; we’re all ignorant sinners. God knows better than we ever could. Love means rejoicing in that, and obeying with gratitude.
When you aren't a Christian, you're partying with devils. When you become a Christian, those devils you used to party with, are now in spiritual warfare against you.
Your demonic "friends" want you dead now, and they will stop at nothing to achieve that gruesome end.
God is in opposition to the world, and the world is in opposition to God. Whatever side you choose, you’re still in a war. The devil just focuses on distracting you with partying, lying that “there’s no hell! There’s no sin! Eat drink and be merry!” while he attacks God by killing your soul. But God tells us flat-out in Scripture that we Christians are in a lifelong struggle against the “powers of this dark world.” So He suits us up with the armor of God, arms us with faith, and strengthens us through Christ. Hell is real, sin is real, and this life is meant to glorify God. Our offense is a defense of truth. God has already won the victory; we need only stand firm in His grace.
Spiritual warfare is real. But so also is Christ’s ultimate victory. We will face opposition equal to our faith, but grace will carry us through. Fear not.
There are two choices– to party blindly with demons, or to battle soberly with Christ. Look at your life. Which lifestyle are you living?
"Being a Christian isn't for sissies. It takes a real man to live for God - a lot more man than to live for the devil.” ~Johnny Cash
The devil is all about shortcuts and compromise, indulgence and revelry, rebellion and pride, self-interest and want. The devil’s way is easy– so easy, you’ll slide down it all the way to hell. It might feel like a theme park, but no matter how “fun” the ride is, the end is a crashing halt.
God’s way, the true way, the only Way, demands sacrifice and longsuffering, repentance and reform, obedience and humility, loyalty and faith. It requires us to be charitable to the hostile, forgiving towards abusers, patient with the abrasive, and loving towards those that the world despises. It’s not “fun,” it’s not a party, it’s not a thrill ride. It’s hard work, and it requires us to put our selves last. But it is the ONLY path to peace, joy, love, and salvation. No exceptions. And it’s worth it.
“Delay your want in this world, to get what you really want from the Lord.” Day-8/365!
Patience and surrender kills all worldly lusts. Putting emotions and impulses aside, no matter how loudly they scream, shows that we trust God and value His kingdom more than any fleeting things or experiences. If we are genuinely willing, God will make us genuinely able. Halfhearted surrender is still just clinging. We must let go of “wants,” and trust God to meet our needs… for He knows them far better than we do!
“You will never know the fullness of Christ until you know the emptiness of everything but Christ.”
And we will know it, either through the Bible’s bright teaching or through the world’s dark experience. The truth remains the same.
“True obedience is the refusal to compromise in any regard our relationship with God, regardless of the consequences.”
Our love for God must be so strong and true, that the very thought of compromising it is horrid to consider!
“Sometimes God will give you exactly what you wanted just to show you that it's not at all what you needed.”
Wants are fleeting, worldly things. All we need is God. Seek Him above all else, for He is sufficient. Remember– bodies will all fail and die eventually. Our souls continue on. God cares for both, but the latter is the higher priority.
Remember Saint Paul– in hunger and in plenty, in danger and in safety, God was His only desire, His only want… and so his true needs were always met. His life was secure. God never abandoned Paul, even when he was in tough times, even if the world may have considered him cursed. After all, he sure wasn’t asking for worldly “wants”! The same goes for all the faithful. We may “want” luxury and ease and fun, but in the end it’s hollow. God will show this to us clearly, so that we will not only have deeper joy in Him, but also so that we will be freed from all the torture of selfish want. Thanks be to God!
Holy Spirit, we ask for a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Your will. (Eph. 1)
If it doesn’t glorify God– and the Holy Spirit will tell you if it doesn’t– then it’s not following God’s will. Be vigilant, know Scripture, and don’t make excuses.
Stop talking "blessings" and start talking REPENTANCE fam. it ain't about you it's all about Christ
The opportunity to repent is the biggest blessing. This life isn’t the only life– but it is the shortest! If we truly believe in heaven and hell hereafter, then counting our blessings means putting God’s mercy and love first on the list!
It’s all about humble grace– the glory of every victory is for God alone.
The moment you begin following God’s will for your life is the moment the enemy takes greater notice of your life.
And he will do anything to stop you.
Don’t stop pressing in to who God says you are. What He’s prepared you to do. And how He’s changed you to change the World.
The devil wants to stop God’s will from being done. The devil wants to mock Jesus’s love and Crucifixion. We must stand strong in faith, obeying God in humility, for the sake of His glory. The key word is not “me” or “I”, it’s “GOD.”
Do not mistake a winter of the soul for its death. Faith and doubt are like the tides; only remember on which shores you stand, and seek others who have dealt with your struggles.
In the wintry days of my soul… I start decorating for Christmas. ⛪❤🎄❄👼 God is with us! God is still with us! And if enduring such spiritual chills is what it will take for the Lord to be born again within my heart, for his guiding star to enlighten my path, for the songs of his angels to reach my tired ears… then amen, amen, let the ice come down and blizzards rage; I shall learn with jubilation to seek my warmth in God’s embrace, and praise His name among the frosted pines.
"Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.” - Charles Spurgeon
The soul of man was breathed into his nostrils by God Himself! No other creature was given life in this way. We humans are a special creation, blessed and loved by the Lord, made in His image and likeness. So it’s no wonder that the devil wants to destroy our souls so badly! He hates God, therefore he abhors anything that is precious and special to God– most notably, humanity. God puts such a high value on our souls that He sent His Only Begotten Son to die for us, so that our souls could be saved from sin– the deadly curse that the devil revels in propagating, lying and manipulating mankind, trying to destroy our priceless souls. The devil claims our souls are worthless, but this is blatantly false. He’s just trying to offend and mock God. But we need to know better than that. We are precious to God– to God, the Creator of All!– and we must be humbled by that, moved in love to respect our souls as such.
“If you think to find paradise on earth, even in a monastery, then you are very mistaken. Paradise—full blessedness—does not exist on earth, and cannot, because man was not created for earth, but for heaven.”
— Abbess Thaisia of Leushino
As someone discerning a religious vocation, this is vitally important to remember. “Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness”– for they are able to endure in blessed hope, knowing that their souls shall only be satisfied with God, and therefore no lack of paradise on earth can disappoint them… while that same hunger will drive them to do all that they can to still reflect as much of heaven as they can in this world, for His glory, to inspire others to that same divine desire.
Matthew 6:21 (KJV) - For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
Remember that our hearts were made for God. Using our heart for anything else is effectively a denial of purpose– like having a car, but using it for storage instead of driving. God should, and must, be our greatest treasure. To place our worship, attention, and care anywhere else is idolatry, futile and ultimately empty. So honestly ask yourself: what’s in your treasure chest?
“Even the devil believes that God exists. Believing has to change the way we live.”
— Mother Angelica
AMEN. If our belief in God's existence doesn't change us, then we're just like the devil.
Faith without works is dead; just holding a belief does not indicate faith, or trust, or love! If we are to truly call ourselves Christians, then we must live in loving imitation of Christ, and obedience to God. Otherwise, it’s like putting a label on an empty container– no matter what it says, what really counts is the content… or lack thereof.
“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.”
— MereChristianity by C.S. Lewis (pg. 50)
The hardest truth for the flesh, and the most beautiful truth for the soul.
“Do you want to be right or righteous? Do you want to win or be winsome?”
“Winsome” means “sweetly or innocently charming” or “engaging.” Indeed it is better to lose with everyone on good terms and in good spirits, than to win by pushing or beating others down. Let us always be Christlike, which is true righteousness.
“Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners, even persecutors, the worst of sinners: his righteousness is sufficient for them; his Spirit is able to purify and change their hearts.” -George Whitefield
Pray always for the conversion of persecutors-- especially your own personal ones.That is a grace gifted to you from God-- who else can pray for them with such radical love, but those for whom such love must be God-inspired? This truth is the greatest hope for them and us; after all, we, too, have only been saved through His Spirit.
“It is always the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus. But Satan’s work is just the opposite; he is constantly trying to make us look at ourselves instead of Christ.”
— Charles Spurgeon
This discernment is a vital litmus test for our decisions of focus. Whatever we do or think, we must ask– who am I truly turning towards here? Where is my heart’s genuine focus, for good or ill? Who am I glorifying with this, if I were to sincerely ask my conscience? If we ask these things in humble honesty, the Holy Spirit will convict us of error, and keep us on the straight and narrow. Thanks be to God for our Advocate!
“Trials teach us what we are; they dig up the soil, and let us see what we are made of.”
All of our trials are gifts from the hand of God, to help us grow in holiness, should we respond to them with a humble and faithful heart.
Frustrated? Lonely? Insecure? Confused? A lack of communication with God puts our entire life out of focus. Get into the Word, pray more. -Tovares Grey
This is VERY true and I can personally attest to its importance. Put God first– the rest will follow, by His hand.
Satan loves to take what's beautiful and ruin it. God loves to take what's ruined and make it beautiful.
A powerful reminder to my soul as God continues to heal me from trauma.
Before we can teach others, God will discipline us first, that everything we give may be profitable and will not lead them to harm.
We cannot show them the way that leads to life, if we ourselves don’t even know the way to Jesus. We cannot teach them obedience, if we ourselves are disobedient to God. We cannot preach what we do not know, we cannot show them the power of God’s Word when we ourselves are not changed by it.
What they see to us, will either mold them to Christlikeness or disobedience.
That’s why before we can be used by God, He will make sure we will be refined and tested by fire first.
I can humbly attest to this. God demands integrity of heart, for the good of all. Discipline not only refines us, but humbles us– to try and teach someone else about God while ourselves living in sin is an action of pride, really. It may even be an attempt to hide our own sin under a guise of evangelistic holiness. No, God will only use the meek to further His Kingdom, and we should all be deeply grateful that He is always willing and able to bring us to that point of virtue, no matter how difficult the process may be.
God wants us to know Him entirely, and that requires not only ardent love but also holy fear. The two are united.
“Our lips may say a thousand good words about God but if we live in vain, sin and selfishness, do we really think God is pleased?”
— Walk in the Light / J.G
Hypocrisy is a terrible sin for Christians, as it results in scandal and dishonor of God. Our actions must testify to our faith.
“The struggle is the sign of holiness. A saint is a sinner that keeps trying.”
To struggle against sin shows that we refuse to comply with it, that we refuse to be slaves to it, that we will not rest in wicked complacency over the warfare in our soul. All humans are born into sinful nature and tendencies, and we will all be tempted, cajoled, persecuted, and outright attacked by Satan and his vice of selfishness until the day we die. The devil wants us to despair. He wants us to weaken, to wear out, to be so crushed by battles that we lose hope and stop fighting, just for a semblance of peace. But we Christians know that the only true peace is found in Christ, and in obeying Him, in remaining loyal to Him no matter what turmoil may rage around and against us. God is our hope, and so we keep trying, striving ever closer to Jesus, despite our human weakness– for His power is made perfect in such. We fight the Good Fight until the very end, never despairing, never denying, never turning back. We may struggle with sin until our final breath, but the Lord is merciful as well as just, and if our hearts have been uncompromisingly focused on Him despite it all, then I believe that hope shall not disappoint. Because of this, we have the strength to carry on… and thus, we become saints.
“He who is not angry when there is just cause for anger is immoral. Why? Because anger looks to the good of justice. And if you can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral as well as unjust.” -Saint Thomas Aquinas
As those who love God, we must hate sin, both in ourselves and in the world. BUT this ‘hatred’ must be without malice or rage. To hate sin means to despise evil, true, but it also means that we must focus on good. To obsess over wrongdoing, to be consumed by wrath and indignation, only leads US into sin, and therefore we are not to put our minds or hearts there. Instead, let us live justly and speak out against injustice out of love for our just God, not out of anger towards men. We, too, are sinners; God is patient with us all for our merciful conversion. He sends rain and sunshine on both the just and unjust, but in the end, only the just will survive. Only those who are righteous in Him will be saved. The wicked will perish in their wickedness. So yes, let your heart break out of sorrow for the reality of evil, for this does show your love of good. And be angry at the evil you see, too, for Jesus was also angry at those who were cruel, hypocritical, and abusive. But that anger did not lead to violence or bitterness or any other sin. Instead it led to firm but patient correction, exhortations to conversion and penance, and the warning against further misconduct. We are to follow our Lord’s example, and trust in God to handle the ultimate situation. Our job is to be faithful and obedient to His Good Will, not to punish others, or to panic over the world. Follow Him, and rest in His power and peace. God is Good. Let His promises mend your heart. Evil has already lost. Preach that Good News!
“Humility is the one thing no devil can imitate.”
St John Climacus
A vital reminder, always.
Remember this when you are tempted to arrogance, defensiveness, excuses, and pride, especially under a pretense of “righteousness.” By choosing humility in all cases intead, you choose what is always the only true Christian option.
“God can save the sinner you are, but not the saint you pretend to be.”
Humility is the one thing no devil can imitate, and it is the key to reconciliation with God. Jesus Christ came to save the lost– if we insist we know where we’re going, we’ll wander in the dark forever for our foolish pride.
Preaching TRUTH to a generation that loves lies can be very discouraging. Preach TRUTH anyway. The only eternal reward is for the righteous
And God wants this generation to listen to Him and therefore join the ranks of the righteous through Christ!
When you preach Truth, do not do so with a mindset of moral superiority or pride. We are equal sinners and are called righteous only through the grace of God working in us. Preach Truth out of loving justice– as one seeking the conversion of sinners, the finding of the lost, and the ultimate salvation of all peoples!
☆THE REASON WHY IT IS THE TREE OF KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL=
Adam and eve were created pure and obedient. They COULD not come to know evil on their own, as God is Good and they followed him entirely.
EVIL COULD THEREFORE ONLY OCCUR THROUGH DISOBEDIENCE.
AND THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD DISOBEY, AND THEREFORE LEARN EVIL, IS IF GOD GAVE THEM AN ORDER THAT COULD BE DISOBEYED!
Therefore the tree of knowledge WAS REQUIRED TO BE FORBIDDEN, OTHERWISE IT COULD NOT BESTOW SUCH KNOWLEDGE OF EVIL IN THE FIRST PLACE.
The snake, therefore, was indeed SUPPOSED to be in the tree, as a tempter-- "temptation" in the TEST sense!!
Therefore God did NOT "create" Evil. Evil is an ABSENCE of God. God just allowed the circumstances that would ENABLE such an absence to exist-- through rebellion against God, which is sin, which is evil.
EVERYTHING that occurs as a result of that absence is UNCREATED and UNNATURAL.
☆the hypnotist said, "sin" backwards is just "live"! How can we refute that with the Word of God? How does Genesis show the flaws in that argument-- or the ironic truth?
☆the irony is that "live" is the REVERSE of "evil." DUH.
= the devil and backmasking; lies, sneakiness. Undermining the whole.
Vain repetitions in prayer are really about SELF, not God!!
Compare to the Our Father.
TRUE and holy "repetitions" like Rosaries and Chaplets are meant to HYPERFIX OUR FOCUS AND SENSES ON GOD. It's not about "talking a lot" or "being heard if I say the right things"; it's about completely immersing ourselves in thoughts of God and His Son and His Mother. It's about growing in holy love and discipline through this special worship format.
Contemplative prayer: emptying mind feels "good" because you AREN'T SINNING AND CANNOT SIN in that state of peace. Instead you are open to simply perceive the goodness of God.
We must be United to the WHOLE TRINITY!! The Father is within & without all Creation. The "Source ". BUT the SON is for US in our mortality! That's why He took on flesh-- to be our Food, so we can become like Him in this Unique way. The Spirit is... not sure yet? I love Him but don't know enough about Him yet. BUT I THINK He works powerfully for us Through Mary??? She IS His Spouse!
Relapsing into thievery. I don't trust God enough to provide for me. Why??? Is greed part of this? Wanting more than I need? Why do I assumedly want it?
The violence of popular culture has DESENSITIZED US to the Passion of Christ!!!
Genesis 3:1 = ENTITLEMENT!!! The garden WASN'T MADE FOR ADAM. He's just the caretaker. He was BLESSED to be given that role, blessed to be allowed to eat the fruit at all. But the serpent is like "well you should want ALL of it; God is being mean to forbid you any at all!"
7 Deadly Sins = starts with PRIDE. "I know better than God."
Then envy and greed- "I want more than what God gave; I am jealous of those who have more" and these are both motivated by LUST. Wrath is born from this too! Not sure about sloth?? But obviously gluttony with the fruit.
godwants-you: God’s arms are always open for you to run back into, no matter how far you’ve strayed.
enlightenedpathway: This is so important. I constantly struggle with this, I have Satan whispering in my ear telling me I’m not good enough of a Christian to even ask for forgiveness from God. But if course that’s wrong. God is so merciful and just like Matthew 7:7 says “ask and you will receive” God will forgive you if you pray for forgiveness and turn away from sinful things.
A major way people distance themselves from God is when it comes to sexual purity. Many people believe that once their virginity is gone they have lost their ability to be pure. This idea is very Jewish because of a woman had sex outside of marriage she was considered unclean. But in Christianity God has given us the opportunity of baptism to cleanse and make ourselves holy and pure in His sight.
God forgives all sin you just have to ask.
As someone who endured years of sexual sin and abuse, and who now feels utterly broken, filthy, and unfixable… this reminder, this blessed reminder of the all-powerful love and grace of God, and His willingness to make me whole, if I have faith in Him to do so and give Him all that pain in hopeful surrender… it strikes right to the heart, and brings me to joyful, grateful tears. Blessed be God forever!!
Jesus promised Peter the gates of hell would not prevail. He did not, however, promise that the powers of hell wouldn't have a pretty good run causing us lots of trouble in the meantime. #stickwithPeter #PeterhastheKeys -Fr. Patrick Mary Briscoe, O.P.
This is so important to remember. Jesus works WITH the weak and struggling people of His Church because it not only highlights His great power, love, and mercy, but also because it gives ALL glory to God for its success– no pride of man has carried us along for two thousand years of trials and failures and schisms. The devil is indeed waging war against Christ’s Body in His People even now, daily and cruelly. But God has promised our ultimate victory. Hell shall not prevail. So yes, absolutely stick with Peter, a man like us who doubted and feared and made plenty of mistakes, but who also always turned back to God, and who wholeheartedly recognized and adored Jesus as such– as the Christ, the Savior of the world. We still have those keys. So let us set our hearts firmly in our faith, no matter what, so that we too may be rocks anchored in the Rock Of Ages– The Gate Himself.
Saint Peter, pray for us!
Whenever I’m faced with making a decision in my life no matter how big or small, my first instinct is to pray.
I need to truly develop this holy instinct, especially in the little things. They matter, and they add up. Luke 16:10.
When God calls you to something, He is not always calling you to succeed, He's calling you to obey! The success of the calling is up to Him; the obedience is up to you. -David Wilkerson
True success is not measured by the world anyway; everything here is temporary. The obedience to God itself is genuine “success,” for it is in line with the truth of who we were created to be in Christ.
“Remember, it’s a gift when the Holy Spirit exposes areas of darkness, captivity, and sin. When you can actually see the ugliness, it’s because the light has come, revealing what was already there. So ask for the courage to be uncomfortable, uneasy, and provoked so you can confess and release these things. The Lord is full of compassion and love for you. God wants to reveal truth so that the truth sets you free … May you have ears to hear the Spirit’s gentle voice.”
— Sharon Garlough Brown, Sensible shoes
The Lord disciplines His children because He loves them so. His Light burns away the shadows of sin. It may indeed hurt, or be disturbing and uncomfortable, and admitting that we have such ugliness in us is scary and humbling… but it’s all for our highest good. Once God reveals it, He’ll help remove it. Listen, and let the Light in, to sweep out the dirt and cobwebs of your soul. God knows the beauty beneath– He created you, after all.
“I am with you. I am with you. I am with you. Heaven’s bells continually peal with that promise of My Presence. Some people never hear those bells because their minds are earthbound and their hearts are closed to Me. Others hear the bells only once or twice in their lifetimes, in rare moments of seeking Me above all else. My desire is that My “sheep” hear My voice continually, for I am the ever-present Shepherd.”
— Sarah Young, Jesus calling
🥺❤ How profoundly our lives will change, if we tune our hearts to the sound of those bells– to the divine music of His Voice!
“Spirit, I need to be extremely close to You, not just sort of close or somewhat aware of Your Presence. Please make me sensitive. I give You blanket permission to let me know emphatically when I’ve offended You, and I commit to making whatever adjustments I need to make when You do.”
— Chris Tiegreen
AMEN. Dear Holy Spirit, speak loudly and constantly in my life! Please grant me the grace to lovingly listen, hear, and obey with prompt joy and humility.
“Have you struggled with an addictive behavior? Have you repeated the same sin over and over? Understand the statement you are making when you indulge in it: you prefer the passing pleasure of a sinful desire to the fellowship that comes from obedience. It’s a revealing choice. Refuse to be trapped by it. Let righteousness- an unrivalled desire for God- deliver you.”
— Chris Tiegreen
This is a sharply humbling truth… but only such a righteous razor can cut through the shackles of sin. God, free me from fearful addiction, and secure me in friendship with You! May I desire You above all things, and may I properly discern how to live that devotion to You in all my choices. Lead me in your love.
“One of the greatest hindrances to our sense of God’s Presence in our lives is our awareness of our own sin. And though God hates sin, He loves us. So even when we disobey Him and grieve Him, He is single-minded in pursuing us. Why? Because He wants to be with us. He wants closeness. He may withdraw His Presence briefly sometimes. but it’s only so we will see what we’re missing and return to Him. His ultimate goal in creating human beings was for them to relate to Him. Why, after abolishing the record of our sins, would He withhold Himself? He wouldn’t. He has always pursued relationship, and He always will.”
— Chris Tiegreen
Remembering this, truly realizing this, moves me to tears every time. God’s love, unconditional and unfathomable, is my biggest hope, my strongest motivation, my source of courage, my eternal joy. I’m speechless with humble gratitude. What divine mercy– what divine love!!
“The mark of the godly man is he likes to change. The mark of the godly man is he says, ‘Lord, show me where I should change, and I’ll do it. Show me where I should obey, even where it’s hard, and I’ll do it.’”
— Timothy Keller
God, I beg you, give me the grace to surrender completely to Your Loving Will– that I may faithfully say this with every beat of my heart!
“In human relationships, we give ourselves more fully to those who have given themselves more fully to us. God, an intensely relational God, is the same. Fragmented hearts receive a fragmented experience, but a whole heart receives a whole experience of God. If we scatter our affections abroad—a little of this or that treasure with God added on—we’ll know God at some level, but not as fully as we could.”
— Chris Tiegreen
God must be our All, or else we will have nothing at all. He is the only true treasure, the Source and Cause of all Joy. Don’t waste your life and heart on ephemeral things, which can never satisfy our longing souls, nor love us in return. But Our Lord waits to give you all of Himself– what wondrous love!– if only you will let go of the world, in order to open your arms wide to return His embrace.
““The Lord… is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish…” (2 Peter 3:9). I should look within and remember how wonderfully He has dealt with me. The knowledge that God has loved me beyond all limits will compel me to go into the world to love others in the same way. I may get irritated because I have to live with an unusually difficult person. But just think how disagreeable I have been with God! Am I prepared to be identified so closely with the Lord Jesus that His life and His sweetness will be continually poured out through me?”
— Oswald Chambers
Remember this always; it will keep your soul humble and your heart gentle, and it will be a check against sinful pride and a fountain of grateful joy. Jesus has loved us first– deeply and radically, patiently and powerfully– now let His love for you flow out to the world through you, to all the other souls he loves so much!
“We forget that God’s primary goal is not changing our situations or relationships so that we can be happy, but changing us through our situations and relationships so that we will be holy.”
— Paul David Tripp
Holiness causes joy, and that is infinitely more solid than circumstantial happiness. Trust in this Godly goal.
“I know your weaknesses and am patient with you, much more patient than you are with yourself. You need to understand that sheep don’t worry about the future, obsess about their mistakes, or strategize their lives. And if you knew the heart of this Shepherd, you wouldn’t either. Sheep follow. That’s all I’m asking you to do.”
— Chris Tiegreen, Experiencing God’s Presence
Our Good Shepherd will lead us in the right path. Regardless of appearances, delays, or doubt on our part, He is always Good. Follow Him. He knows what He’s doing. ❤
“Some of your worries have deep root systems. Extracting them is hard, hard work. In fact, it may be the toughest challenge of all. But you don’t have to do it alone. Present the challenge to your Father and ask for help. Will he solve the issue? Yes, he will. Will he solve it immediately? Maybe. Or maybe part of the test is an advanced course in patience. This much is sure: contagious calm will happen to the degree that we turn to him.”
— Max Lucado
Whatever God chooses to do, or not do, it is Good. That is guaranteed. But we must ask Him for help too. Humility, trust, faith, and love all require it. Worry only happens when we forget that it’s all in His hands… or when we’re afraid to surrender to that fact. Don’t worry, and do not be afraid. It might take a storm, or years of erosion, but God can remove any bad root you give to Him.
“God keeps giving me another chance, and I never deserve it. I just don’t know what to say. … I guess we never stop having things to work on. I guess we never stop having things to pray on. This is just another hardened piece of me that had to break.”
— From one of my poems
I need to remember this… the process doesn’t end until we die. Until then, our Lord offers endless hope and grace to grow ever nearer to Him. When it’s over, after all, He wants us to be with Him.
Thanks be to God for breaking all the frozen parts of my heart, and continuing to do so, no matter what.
“Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.” -John 14:23
What a privilege for us to be where He will come and make His home. To be a dwelling place. For our body to be a temple. The more you really think about it, the more amazing it is.
It’s enough to bring any believer to their knees in holy fear and tearful love. If we remembered this blessed privilege in every moment of our lives, how dramatically we would grow in graceful holiness!
“Do you expect instantaneous answers to your prayers for deliverance? More often than not, you will be disappointed. Change your perspective. Rather than looking for escape, look for the benefit of the trial. Let endurance have its perfect result. Ask God what He’s accomplishing and then participate in it willingly. If you can learn perseverance, you will be a rarity in this world and well fit for the Kingdom of God.”
— Chris Tiegreen
YES. God took over ten years to save me from my most terrifying trial, because I needed to endure it for that long. It was a lesson that took serious time to be fulfilled. Only God knew that; I could only see it afterwards. So trust Him! Persevere in faith, endure with patience, do it all for Love of the Lord– because in every moment, no matter how difficult, He loves you.
“We can’t expect answers to our prayers without having faith in our God to whom we are praying.”
— Stormie Omartian
We must constantly examine our hearts with this. Do we trust God’s answers? Do we trust that He can and will answer? Do we trust His “no” as much as we trust His “yes”? Where are the weak points in our faith?
“Father, let me never waste my pain. Use it to draw me deeper, to show me hidden treasures of Your ways and Your Kingdom. Give me glimpses behind the scenes of my life.”
— Chris Tiegreen
May my pain be used for God’s glory– to teach, to admonish, to push me closer to Him. May my sole comfort and joy be the Lord.
“God will never tell you to do anything that gratifies the flesh—to do just as you please without thought of the future. Yes, He wants you to enjoy life—but in a way that pleases Him and brings you wholesome fulfillment, not in a manner that will ultimately destroy you.”
— Charles Stanley
This is absolutely vital to remember when discerning our daily choices. You cannot serve two masters; the spirit and the flesh are utterly opposed, the latter will indeed destroy you, and God will make sure you know that very well. Anything that says otherwise is not God.
“What is holiness? The best practical definition that I have heard is simply “without sin.” That is the statement that was made of the Lord Jesus’ life on earth (Hebrews 4:15), and that should be the goal of every person who desires to be godly. Granted, we will never reach that goal in this life; nevertheless it is to be our supreme objective and the object of our most earnest efforts and prayers.”
— Jerry Bridges
Don’t throw in the towel just yet. Besides, if you’re rolling with Christ, He’s probably about to throw it back. Keep going.
"No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good." -C.S. Lewis
I can attest to this, with all humbled fear. Without God, we’re hopeless. But God is with us. His Son is here for us. Hope is real.
Don’t think that you’ve been gone too long to come to Him. God is not some spiritual parole officer waiting for you to fail. If you’ve strayed from prayer, He is not keeping some score. If you don’t feel Him at all, tell Him that: “I don’t feel you right now, God.” Pray with any amount of faith that you have; believe that prayer works; ask for faith if you have none. If you’re mad, tell Him. If you’re ashamed, guilty, confused, afraid, doubtful: tell Him. He can handle that. He is understanding, patient, gracious; He loves you. You’ll soon find you’ll want to talk to Him, because He’s actually pretty awesome to talk to. -J.S. Park
Our hearts must be ENTIRELY open to God. This sort of constant, honest, vulnerable, trusting prayer is vital to deepening our faith and growing in grace. Don’t hide from the One who loves you. Give Him everything.
I am not going back to how I once was. I will keep pressing forward till the day I stand in His presence- free and perfected through His glory. I am not going back to how I once was.
I’ve been praying this same prayer all day. God keep us in Your grace.
lovelyethos: I will only be saved by the grace of God. Any other so called solution is complete bullshit to me. Only God Himself could fix me- that I am entirely convinced of.
Years of therapy and medical bills has convinced me of the same.
I’m a terrible busted-up wreck of a person. No amount of get-fixed-quick pills, magic mantras or “so how does that make you feel” couches have ever accomplished anything of value towards improving my poor mental health and bungled morality. But you know what has worked? Jesus. The grace of Christ. Surrender to God. Faith in the face of crushing fear. God alone will be glorified in my recovery, and that means that only God can succeed. I have seen the proof of this beyond any doubt, even and especially when everyone and everything else in my life was vehemently insisting to the contrary.
In short, I feel you on this, sister. Even when our shortcomings, failures, flaws, and outright disastrous errors in life drive us to the brink of despair, God is still capable of fixing it all. And we must trust in that, and in His timing, and in His gracious love for us, despite how utterly unworthy and broken we may be. God is greater than our sin and our sorrow. And if we let Him, if we open our hearts despite all doubt, He will save us. I am sure if it. That is my fiercest hope.
“If conversion to Christianity makes no improvement in a man's outward actions – if he continues to be just a snobbish or spiteful or envious or ambitious as he was before – then I think we must suspect that his 'conversion' was largely imaginary." -C.S. Lewis
A very vital, humbling reminder. Conversion WILL manifest through the way we live, because conversion changes the heart. It’s inevitable.
Remember Matthew 3:8: "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance." Repentance is worthless without proof of action.
We can claim we are fruit trees, but if we bear no fruit, our claim is useless– it is essentially a lie. Repentance, change of heart, is the root, but will we let that root wither and die, by refusing or fearing to water, tend, and nourish it?
Lastly, the fruits of repentance may indeed taste as sharp as lemons. True metanoia demands great and difficult things, as it requires we fight our fallen nature, and as such the “firstfruits” of our reformation will likely make us wince a little, to say the least. But lemons are still fruit. The tree is not dying, but living. If your tree of new life is bearing lemons, then grow beautiful lemons! Cultivate sweetness in your heart, and they will no longer taste so bitter. Give thanks to God for the harvest of grace.
Reblog and say a prayer for someone who is struggling with the same sin as you.
This is both humbling and deeply compassionate. We as Christians should do this daily.
“It is a happy moment when our desire crosses with the will of Heavenly Father.” -C.S. Lewis
As God changes our hearts, those moments will occur more and more! And in heaven, those “moments” are now our “always ”.
The greatest joy in the kingdom of heaven (the greatest among many) seems to me to be that we will no longer be tied up with earthly concerns but will have rest and glory within us – rejoicing that gives joy to everyone, peace that lasts for ever – satisfaction in ourselves, a satisfaction that comes from seeing how everyone is praising the Lord and blessing and hallowing his name, while no-one offends him. Everyone loves him. Each soul has no wish other than to love him: it cannot stop loving him because it knows him truly. -St Teresa of Avila
This is such a beautiful description of heaven. And this is how we are called to live even now, as bringing that very Kingdom to this world for the sake of Christ.
"I need nothing but God, and to lose myself in the heart of Jesus." -Saint Margaret Mary Alacoque
The desire of all the saints… may we, too, called to the same holiness, desire this pure and single purpose with every atom of our hearts.
If you’re out there and you’re struggling with depression, I just want you to know one thing: God loves you. Your struggle is not your fault. It does not define you. It does not mean you’re a failure. It does not mean you’re a burden to God or anyone else. It does not mean you’re a bad Christian. It means that you’re a human being who is struggling at the moment, and that’s perfectly okay. You are still loved by God. You are still God’s precious child. God does not blame you. God is not ashamed of you. In fact, His heart is hurting along with yours. He longs to see you healed and restored. He knows recovery takes time. He understands. And He loves you.
Mental illness can be a cross, leading us down a humbling path to greater good. Carry it with trust and faith; God’s power is made perfect in weakness after all. Jesus will never abandon you; keep your heart set on Him.
I needed to remember this tonight; thank you.
“I am a Christian because Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for me, and the least I can do is live my life entirely for Him.”
When we realize how much He loves us, our hearts cannot help but love Him with everything we are in return.
“When lovers are together, they spend hours and hours repeating the same thing: ‘I love you!’ What is missing in the people who think the rosary monotonous is love; and everything that is not done for love is worthless.” — Sister Lucia of Fatima
This is so simply yet profoundly true. ❤
“Our obedience is not the grounds of our relationship (with Jesus) but the overflow of it.”
— Jared Wilson
Jesus loved us while we were still utterly dead in sin. Our salvation, and resulting obedience, is due to His Grace– for true obedience blooms from love, which is of God, and which we could not have ever achieved on our own during our sinful pasts. Jesus loves us, and that love, when accepted through Grace, opens our hearts to love Him back.
“All I wish is to love until I die of love.”
— St. Thérèse de Lisieux
The kernel calling of every Christian.
Happy Sacred Heart Month y'all! ❤
I have had a deep devotion to the Sacred Heart since childhood; it’s what always resonated the deepest within my own. I look forward to this month every year. ❤ May God bless us all by it!
Christ is knocking at the heart, and the devil is at the brain.
This is such a striking truth! The mind can indeed play the devil’s games– overanalyzing, making excuses, scheming and manipulating– and the state of our world speaks volumes to the evil influence upon our brains, with the epidemics of anxiety, depression, and various other mental illnesses. But if Christ has a home in our heart– if we have indeed let him in to live with us– then we know the Truth, and we can be at Peace, no matter how loud and agitated things may be “upstairs ”.
When thoughts confuse you, when you feel pulled in different directions, listen to where that pull, that call, is coming from. Is is an impatient, demanding “knock,” accompanied by intrusive thoughts, fears, and crooked “justifications”? Do you feel forced to open the door, although you’re scared or tired or unsure? Then that’s the devil knocking! Don’t let him in– there’s only room in your soul for two, and there’s a far kinder guest knocking at a far deeper door, quietly but purposefully, waiting for you to unlock the deadbolts of fear. Do not be afraid. We sheep recognize the Master’s voice (John 10), and we also recognize when it’s not Him, despite all creeping doubts that may whisper and scream otherwise. Trust the One who will, and can, only enter through the secret gate of your heart.
I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did. he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true. at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.
"Trust no one" vs "help my unbelief" = mom vs me mindsets. Very upset by this contrast and conflict.
Stealing compulsion? "Justifying" secret taking by "I'll pay it back in secret;" STILL WRONG!
Today: said a rosary while waiting for mom to pick me up in front of Walmart. Everything felt so lucid and real. Peace in my heart. Can still remember exactly what the sky looked like
Split second obedience vs DOUBT at "where's the voice coming from"; i.e. is it a compulsive thought or an actual conscience guidance? DISCERN? How to do so FAST?
I was a red-winged angel living in the belfry of our parish church I would fly out of it at night and sing over the town as I flew
then I was at a lake, a perfectly round glowing lake, with chaos zero someone else was 'reading' this in third person, like a report, like a story I had a lotus on my head, like a seedrian, and my red wings still we were looking at the lake and then chaos turned to me and he said "I love you" and we kissed and I remember wanting to fall into him like an ocean forever and
I don't think he's ever said he loved me in a dream before
When we excuse our sin, we volunteer our defense attorney for a thief who wants to kill us.
Don Straka
There is NEVER an excuse for sin, other than rebellion against/ rejection of God, either through willful ignorance or willful disobedience.
Once you know Christ, once you know God through Christ, sin becomes terrifying, abominable, and unthinkable. When we are convicted of our sins, we rejoice to abandon them and do good! Even if it’s scary to let go, as we still live in sinful flesh, we must trust in God’s righteousness and mercy.
The devil will always try to lead us away from God. God loves us, and wants us to turn from wickedness and live. But the devil hates God and so if we are God’s children, then the devil wants us to die. Remember this, always, when you are tempted to sin, and when you are tempted to “justify” a transgression. There is no justification in anything or anyone besides Jesus, who died to accomplish that for us. Could you really pick up the nails and pierce his hands all over again, every time you want to say “it’s okay” to a sin? Only Christ has the right and ability to pardon! And He will never say sin is okay, because it is not. Instead, Jesus says, “I will bear the judgment of your sins so that you can be freed from sin, washed clean in My Blood, and therefore made new to live with Me in grace.” In the shadow of the Cross, sin is an existential horror.
Do not excuse your sins, especially if you are afraid of admitting that you sinned. Humble yourself and confess. Pride and perfectionism are also devilish and they will destroy your soul. All humans are mortal, flawed, and sinful. You are no exception. Admit this, break your ego, and turn to Christ. Such honesty and surrender are the only options we have against that murderous thief, as they are the only ways we can let Christ in to defend us– after all, if we insist we’ve done nothing wrong, then we falsely claim there’s nothing to be defended against. Claim that enough, and soon enough, you will find yourself bleeding to death from a thousand attempts on your life that you refused to see as such.
Admit your sin. Bring it to light. Confess it totally, and confess your sinful weaknesses. Refuse to make excuses for what merited our Lord’s death. Refuse to sugarcoat poison, and refuse to feebly try to sand the edges off the guillotine your head is under. You will still die, for sin is still sin, no matter how much you try to paint it pretty colors. The snake is still a snake. Drop the apple. It’s not worth it.
pidgieowl: do you ever want to just curl up in God’s arms and not move for a long time?
Adoration is effectively curling up in each others arms. Jesus waits for us in the Tabernacle, full of love, and when we meet him there in silent heartfelt worship, we’re honestly recieving more that we can ever hope to return. But we’re still there to accompany Him– to “watch with Him one hour” (Matthew 26:40), to simply be with Him for His pure sake.
So absolutely, go to Adoration! Let God hold you, and cling to Him just as ardently in grateful return. He is waiting for you!
“You must be pretty dang important if the devil is fighting this hard to keep you down and out of the equation.”
— Just a thought for those of you who need it
It’s not about me. It’s about how important Christ is.
The devil is only “fighting to keep me down” because Christ has called me to be His. If Christ had not chosen me as His own, the devil wouldn’t care about keeping me down because I wouldn’t be on God’s side of the battlefield.
So remember this. If the devil is indeed doing his best to crush and offend and mock and hurt you, trying to lead you astray and confuse you, it’s not because YOU’RE important. It’s because Christ is important, and Christ wants you for His own.
In short I’m just emphasizing humility. We’re mortal, but we’re beloved of God– when our hearts respond to His, and obey Him through His grace through His Son, and thus enter into friendship with Him. In the end, God is all that matters, and even the devil knows that– although he hates that fact. And that’s what the war is about. Not me.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2:20)
“May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.” (Galatians 6:14)
"So you see how the grace of God is the most dangerous thing in the world. Even if Satan manages to whip you, under grace you can still get up immediately and start over. You have no satisfactory excuse to remain fallen because God forgives you. You have one option: Get up! Over and over and over and over again, until you learn to stand firm. Quitting will never again be a viable option for you. That’s why the Bible says that the just man (justified in Christ, remember) gets up as often as he falls. In the formation of godly character, this is foundational."
-Jeff Harkins
Over and over and over and over again, until you learn to stand firm.
Getting back up and trying again, in God’s grace, is actually a huge fruit of humility. Pride, paradoxically, wallows in guilt and refuses to get up. Pride expects perfection and when we inevitably fall– for we are all sinners– Pride is offended and resists this truth. But humility sees its fall, and mourns its sin, then looks to Christ, and rejoices in its hope… and it is HUMILITY that gets back up, over and over and over again, leaning on Christ’s grace TO get up and try again, for it is ONLY in Him that we are even able to persevere. Don’t let the devil fool you! All men have fallen, but Christ has been raised up! So when you feel dead in sin, look to God, my friends– He forgives, He restores, He strengthens! Leave your sin in the dirt, leave it in the grave that the devil insists is yours– no; we have been given hope through grace, and now our destiny is above, with Christ! So rise with Him, and keep walking!
“If we are true Christians, we must not expect everything smooth in our journey to heaven. We must count it no strange thing, if we have to endure sicknesses, losses, bereavements, and disappointments, just like other men. Free pardon and full forgiveness, grace along the way, and glory at the endall this our Savior has promised to give. But He has never promised that we shall have no afflictions.”
— J.C. Ryle
In fact, Jesus has “promised” the exact opposite! John 15 and 16 are strikingly clear on this.
“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.’ (John 15:18-25)
But there is also comfort, in the hope we have in Christ, and ultimately in heaven with Him–
“All this I have told you so that you will not fall away. They will put you out of the synagogue; in fact, the time is coming when anyone who kills you will think they are offering a service to God. They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me. I have told you this, so that when their time comes you will remember that I warned you about them… Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy… I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:1-4, 20-22, 33)
So first and foremost, we must remember that the world– the fallen world, the evil that does not recognize Christ– hates us, as we are His disciples. So this fact alone guarantees that we will experience pain in this life, for the sake of our faith. In Acts 14:22, we read, “We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God.” This was after Paul had nearly been stoned to death for having preached the Gospel– and refused to stop preaching it even so! We, too, must be so dedicated, even in little ways. We may not have our literal lives on the line for the sake of the faith– God willing– but we are still called to stand strong in all afflictions, even if “In [our] struggle against sin, [we] have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” (Hebrews 12:4)
But this brings us, now, to the second reason for suffering in our lives– it is a consequence of our sins! Yes, even we who are in Christ still stumble and fall. But take heart– God has not abandoned us to this, and never will. We can only reject His help, and I pray that we never do… as I also pray that we never reject his corrections for those sins, which are– yes– in the form of “afflictions.” Yet this is not “evil!” It is simply painful. The only evil is the transgression which caused it; God simply chastises us, as any concerned parent would, to bring us back into a disciplined, obedient state of mind, in which we shall have peace and true freedom.
“And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,“My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children… God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12: 4-7, 10-11)
Now we find a third element to suffering in this life– there is a noted difference between suffering via active persecution (1), suffering via chastisement/ consequence for wrongdoing (2), and suffering via passive, universal pain (3). The first is because of our faith. The second is because of our lack of faith. But the whole world experiences the third, regardless of their faith or lack thereof. Things such as sickness, loss, bereavement, and disappointments are not inherently “bad.”Yes, we may experience them as chastisement, but this is God’s application, which we must meekly acquiesce and admit to when we discern it in humility. But we must also remember that God can use these same things as a different sort of discipline– as a means of further increasing of virtue and grace in us. And this is where I like to make a distinction between suffering and pain.Pain is a part of this mortal life, and we will experience it, inevitably, as long as we are in this mortal life. But it is through Christ that we have the grace and faith and peace to endure this pain without ‘suffering,’ as in Him, we know that we have a greater hope. These afflictions are not eternal, and cannot be. Not only that, but God can transmute them by His grace if we open our hearts in faith to let Him do so! “And we know that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Sickness can increase our patience, and our dependence on God, and our charity for others. Loss can free us from undue attachments, and refocus us on higher things. Bereavement is an expression of charity at heart, and indeed Jesus also wept– but when we recall that death is not the end for us in Christ, we can rejoice in knowing that we will see them again when we join them in the life to come, and rest in Christ’s peace until then. As for disappointments, what can be disappointing when we surrender our will to God, and seek His will in all things, knowing that, indeed, only what He allows will occur? All of this virtue comes to us through His grace, and transforms all the little hardships of life into shares of His Cross, lifting us up through Him, To Him, By Him, and For Him.
To revisit wisdom from Deuteronomy:
“You must carefully follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and multiply, and enter and possess the land the LORD swore to your fathers. Remember that these forty years the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness, so that He might humble you and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commandments. He humbled you, and in your hunger He gave you manna to eat, which neither you nor your fathers had known, so that you might understand that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD… So know in your heart that just as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the LORD your God, walking in His ways and fearing Him.” (Deuteronomy 8: 1-3, 5-6)
Although this speaks of literal truth to literal Israel, we who are adopted children of God through Christ may also see a symbolic truth to our lives here: God still humbles and tests us, to know what is in our hearts, and to see if we will persevere in His grace to keep His commandments! This is how we grow in virtue. And this is the vital distinction between “suffering at God’s hand” and “suffering for the sake of God.” We must be obedient and humble. Our discipline is meant to refine us like gold. But we must not let pride creep in, when our afflictions become easier to bear. Because Scripture continues: “When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise… You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed.” (Deuteronomy 8:10-12, 17-18) Our deliverance from hardship and affliction, whether it be physical (wealth, health, etc.) or internal (patience to endure illness, poverty, etc.), is always by the grace of God, never by our own power. So yes, just like other men, we will experience pain– but Christ has promised us deliverance through Him, and so when we find ourselves able to bear pain, and obey discipline, and therefore decrease the “suffering” in our pain, we must remember that this is a divine gift, and remain humble.
Lastly, when we do stumble, when we do fall into pride, when we do suffer chastisements for our mistakes, then yes, we must remember that although God never promised us a pain-free life, He did promise us a Way out of suffering– through His Son. Go to Him with a contrite heart and He will give you forgiveness and pardon. He will give you grace to persevere. He will continue to lead you on towards His ultimate glory, and your sharing in it through increasing unity with Him. Obey the Lord, and when we fail at that– for we are weak humans even so– admit it, humbly and fully, and plead forgiveness. It shall be given to us, as sincerely as we ask for it. This is the true way to take the suffering out of pain… by putting it in God’s hands. He alone is our comfort and our rest. So yes, this world is full of troubles, but Christ has overcome the world. And Christ is with us always. So take heart, fellow Christians. His promise is sufficient.
“Thank God that He does not give up on people like we do. There is not a stronghold, not a bondage, not a spirit that you are caught up in that God cannot bring you out”
— Carl Lentz
Once God calls us, He does not “take it back.” God is unchanging, and God is Good, and God loves His people, and God is sovereign. For His Name’s sake, He will persevere in our salvation, if we have faith in Him, and so let His work bear fruit in our lives.
These verses from Jeremiah speaks strongly, albeit symbolically, to us in the present age, caught up in “spiritual captivity”–
“This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:10-14)
No matter how long we may be in a time of exile, no matter how long we may feel lost or abandoned, this is untrue. God is faithful. God will bring us back, in His Good Time.
And again, from the prophet Isaiah:
“But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend,I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:8-14)
We Christians, in the eyes of Saint Paul, are seen as spiritual descendants of Abraham– “those who have faith are children of Abraham. Scripture foresaw that God would justify the Gentiles by faith, and announced the gospel in advance to Abraham: “All nations will be blessed through you.” So those who rely on faith are blessed along with Abraham, the man of faith… So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.” (Galatians 3:7-9, 26-29) I include this because it, again, emphasizes that we have been chosen by God to be His people, we who were formerly strangers to Him. “I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one. ’I will say to those called ‘Not my people,’ ‘You are my people’; and they will say, ‘You are my God.’ ” (Hosea 2:23) This is a great comfort for me, and I hope it is for you, too– it speaks of us as children of God, as adopted sons and daughters, as heirs of His Promises, when previously, in our exile of sin and unbelief, we were indeed strangers and enemies to Him, who is now our Father.
It is because of this adoption, because of this choosing by God, that we are never left alone, that He never gives up on us, because He has promised to be faithful to us from of old. Even if we are unfaithful, as Israel was all through Scripture, God never abandoned them, and He never will. We, who are now counted among their number in spirit through Christ, are also kept in His thoughts, for His Glory. And for that same divine Sake, God will deliver us from bondage, and will carry us through our struggles, even if the struggle itself seems to continue! This is a vital distinction, and to elucidate it, I must mention Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians–
“…God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body… Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:6-11, 16-18)
God’s deliverance is sure, but take note– His deliverance may not always be evident on the “outside!” But in our hearts, we feel His freedom, without any doubt. We may still endure hardships, we may still battle temptations, we may still face persecution… but in all of these situations, we are not locked in sin’s stronghold. We are not in bondage to darkness. We are not caught up by evil spirits. For God, through Christ, HAS delivered us from death. Even in struggles, we no longer struggle, if we are resting in Christ’s grace. Hardships become sources of patient faith, of rejoicing in His deliverance, of turning to His strength for freedom. Nothing is impossible with God, and the entire Bible attests to this, in profound beauty and hope.
I know you are tired. I know you are physically and emotionally drained. But you have to keep going. God will see this through!
“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.“
Psalm 27 and Psalm 31 are very good to turn to in times like this. ❤
Life is tough. God knows this; Jesus knows this firsthand! We will have days on this earth where we are utterly exhausted inside and out, wracked with tears or too tired to even sigh. God is with us in all of it. He is always with us. If we humbly set our eyes and hearts to seeking Him, and on living in a way pleasing to Him, then no matter what hardships we may face, He will carry us through!
“Love the Lord, all his faithful people! The Lord preserves those who are true to him, but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.”
May we all endure to the end, by His grace!
“Someone has suggested that when you can’t sleep at night, instead of counting sheep, talk to the Shepherd.”
Warren Wiersbe
I have to post @marquiscrocker‘s reply: “When you can’t sleep, intercede for others, that time of night may be your slot on Gods duty roster.”
I really, really love that. We’re all sheep in His flock. He loves all of us. We’ve gotta love each other too!
So… do both. Count your fellow sheep, as it were, and talk to the Shepherd on their behalf. Not only is that a beautiful exercise in patience and humble love, but it’ll re-focus your tired mind on something truly peace-giving, and if anything is going to help you rest, it’s drawing near to the God of Comfort Himself.
“Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
…“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
For all have sinned and fall short the glory of God
“… and all are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3:23-24)
And an equally vital continuation of this hope & truth:
“What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.” (Romans 6:1-7)
Jesus saves us from being “stoned to death” for our sins, and– in a glorious paradox– invites us to instead crucify our sinful nature itself, meekly and willingly as He did, and therefore enter into a new life with Him– a new life in which we are to “sin no more” by His grace.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death… if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” (Romans 8:1-2, 13)
I just really, really love this story, and the epistles that elaborate on its essence. It is so rich with meaning, with solemn hope and corrective joy. Thanks be to God.
Anonymous asked: im gay what do i do
Pray about it, dear friend. Pray for grace, courage, self-forgiveness, patience, discernment, humility, and a heart open to change.
I believe that homosexuality is unnatural, as it opposes the purpose of sexuality in nature. But I cannot deny that homosexual inclinations exist in humans. I myself experienced them for most of my life. However, God can do anything. I surrendered my struggle into His hands, and prayed that He deliver me from it. And it took YEARS, but He ultimately did deliver me out of it… after several great ordeals that anchored in my deliverance, mind you. Trust His timing, and His judgment. If you pray for something that He wills to give you, He will give it to you… when it’s time. Until then, we wait with hope.
You are not defined by your sexual struggles. Your identity does not revolve around “being gay” or even “being straight.” Our identity as human beings is anchored in our being creations of God. We are made in His image, for His Good Purposes, and as Christians, we are called to become NEW creations through Christ Jesus, by faith and grace, leaving behind earthly ways and adopting heavenly ways in following His example. And that is what we must always turn to at the end of the day– our true identity lies in Christ, not in anything mortal and changeable and flawed. So let go of the attachment to the label– to all labels. Pray for God’s will to be done– whatever it may be in this case! Whether He allow you to be converted, or to be given the grace of celibacy, that is up to Him. But keep praying, and trusting, and surrendering. Have faith. That’s key.
I hope that’s a decent answer. Sexual sins and struggles are a heavy cross, and there are no easy responses to questions about them, at least not from fellow humans.
God bless you, friend. You are loved by your Creator and Savior even now; rest in that, and then bravely move forwards in the same.
No matter who you are, what you’ve done, or where you’ve been, you can always come to Jesus. It isn’t too late for you.
Until the end of our earthly lives, the door of hope and salvation stands open to us, and our Lord calls us incessantly! It’s never too late, but don’t put it off. We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Return to Him with all your heart, in every moment. We all slip and stumble, but Christ is always extending His hand to pick us back up. Come to Him! He will never cast out a sincere and contrite heart.
my–darling–dear: You don’t invite Christ into your heart. He invites you into His.
banana-with-a-bow-tie: He doesn’t need our acceptance. We need His. It’s like walking up to a country club and shouting “I accept you! I am now a member!” We receive His grace as a gift when we surrender ourselves and submit to His authority
I think it’s a bit of both?
“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are My friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. This I command you, that you love one another. If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you, ‘A slave is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you; if they kept My word, they will keep yours also. But all these things they will do to you for My name’s sake, because they do not know the One who sent Me.” (John 15:12-21)
Similarly, in 1 John 4 (7-11): “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”
Love, in God and so in Christ, seeks mutuality. Jesus has accepted us, IN His choosing us. So that grace is ready and waiting for us to accept, to let in to our hearts. Jesus has already invited us in to His Heart.
But that’s why I posted the full context of those verses! The divine paradox is that, we need Christ’s invitation FIRST in order to respond, and invite Him into our hearts in return! We have been chosen out of the world to be His friends, to love Him and love one another in His name, by His example. He wants this for us, and for Himself. He wants us to respond in mutual friendship and love. He wants us to invite Him in, too, and that gives Him great joy!
No, He doesn’t need our acceptance, as His power is sovereign and His love is unconditional. But God is also unfathomably intimate, and in His meekness, He also wants us to imitate His humble, compassionate desire for unity, and treat both our neighbors and our God with Christian friendship.
That’s my take on it, as a Catholic. My faith places a great emphasis on Christ specifically seeking us, which is what enables us to seek Him. We can’t sincerely say, “Christ, I invite you to come and dwell in my heart” unless He has first given us the grace TO say such a thing. That sort of yearning for a relationship with Him is divinely inspired, and I firmly believe God wants that from us, whom He has chosen.
“And all those who seek in me a father, will find in me a father. And those who seek in me a mother, will find in me a mother. And those who seek in me a husband, will find in me a husband. And those who seek in me a bride, will find in me a bride. And those who seek in me a brother, or a friend, or a neighbor, or a companion, likewise will find in me everything they desire…”
“And Peter said, “Behold, we have left our own homes, and followed You.” And [Jesus] said to them, “Truly I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who shall not receive many times as much at this time and in the age to come, eternal life.”“ (Luke 18:28-30)
"While He was still speaking to the multitudes, behold, His mother and brothers were standing outside, seeking to speak to Him. And someone said to Him, “Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are standing outside seeking to speak to You.” But He answered the one who was telling Him and said, “Who is My mother and who are My brothers?” And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold, My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father who is in heaven, he is My brother and sister and mother.” (Matthew 12:46-50)
We are called to forsake all worldly things for the sake of the Kingdom of God, to seek all joy and fulfillment in God alone, for indeed there is none to be found anywhere else! But in this view, isn’t it true that Jesus Christ is not only our food, our home, and our native land, but also our brother, sister, mother, father, husband, wife, and dearest friend? If God is all things, then He is indeed all things for His people. If we seek worldly fulfillment, how will we be satisfied with Heaven, in the Presence of God, where all of this world will be taken from us anyway, replaced with He Who Is infinitely greater?
And again, in Matthew, we see the tender and powerful mutuality of Christ’s love for us. He wants to be our All, and truly He is, but– and this is my humble opinion– He also wants Us to be willing to cooperate with Him in being all for Him! And how do we do this? By uniting ourselves with Him and doing His Will. And since He implores us all to do this, He effectively calls us TO be "His mother and brothers,” as well as His friend (John 15:15), and His spouse (John 3:29; Ephesians 5:32). We are called to be examples of Christ to each other, no matter what our calling in life may be, and in this, Christ is able to become “all to all,” in the great unitive mystery of the Church, which is both His Body and His Bride.
I hope I am not speaking out of turn with this. I am just deeply moved by the extent of God’s love, by “the breadth and length and height and depth” of it, and by His constant invitation to us to share in it in every aspect of our lives.
“You made the heavens and the stars, and still You want my heart.”
He made our hearts, too– they’re rightfully His! But the stars don’t have free will; they cannot choose to love Him back; they cannot choose to give their hearts in a responsive gesture of overwhelming mutual love. That is the blessed grace we have been given. “We love because He first loved us.” And yet nothing is forced. God owns our hearts, but He still waits for us to give them. There’s a mysterious beauty in that, and I cannot ponder it enough.
Metanoia: (n.) the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self or way of life; spiritual conversion.
Defined as “penitence, spiritual conversion,” from Greek 'metanoia’ : "afterthought, repentance,“ from metanoein "to change one’s mind or purpose”… one of my all-time favorite words. It’s when the key turns in one’s heart, and the door to the light opens… and everything is illuminated, transformed forever.
manda-kat: Quick reminder: Stop putting that thing, that person, that idea, whatever it is, stop putting it above God. Stop making it your life. Put God first. If you build your life on him, your life will never fall apart. If you put your life on something that you can’t possibly hold forever, a person, a thing, a place, then… What’ll you do when it leaves? What’ll you do if you don’t have it anymore?
God is the rock on which you need to build your reality. Everything else is sinking sand. Enjoy what’s around you, take part in the riches of the earth, but don’t rely on it for your joy.
Rely on God, the only thing that is guaranteed. The only steady anchor. The only way.
I can strongly attest to this. In my past, every time I tried to anchor my present & future on something other than God Himself– whether it was my artistic creations, my music business, my education, my family, my relationships, or whatever else– He would drastically and unquestionably show me how ultimately shallow it all was, in and of itself. All of those things were taken away from me. All of them crashed and burned… until God handed me Himself as a new foundation, and told me, “Rebuild.”
God is the One Way. God is the True Anchor. God is the sole thing in the universe that is eternal and guaranteed, the single and only source of Good. When we build our lives around Him, we find genuine peace and joy and success, no matter what the world may claim or say otherwise. In God, everything is made complete. Without God… everything is empty.
Everywhere I turn, the devil tries to take me down. He whispers lies to my ears. As I try to drown out his voice, he enters my thoughts; inch by inch seeping through, till I am overcome. He discourages. He accuses. I feel so worthless. So dirty. My sin overflows. It clouds my judgment. It covers me in black. I feel hopeless. Am I hopeless? I close my eyes for a moment. Why have I been looking around me? I should be looking towards God. I should focus my eyes on Him. For He is the Author and the Perfecter of my faith. My God, in whom I trust. He is my refuge. He is my strength. My Savior and my God. As I uncover my ears, I hear the lies. I hear it. But I don’t listen to it anymore. I know the truth. Yeshua, You are Truth. You have washed my sins away. I feel so unworthy yet my joy overflows. Your peace takes my every thought captive to Your will. I am clean. I have hope. Elohim, You are my Hope.
I, too, need to remember this truth. I feel so filthy, so evil, so wrong. But God has not abandoned me. He still loves me, as impossible as that seems to my contrite and weeping heart. I must remember His Truth, His Mercy. God forgive me for my despair. Help me. Help me anchor my hope in You.
Choose Christ every day.
Choose Christ every moment, even! Life in this world is spiritual warfare. We constantly slip and stumble. With every single beat of our heart, we must recommit to Christ.
Mighty and merciful God, grant us all the grace to unceasingly choose You above all things!
you’re not forgotten—God thinks about you
you’re not worthless—Jesus died for you
you’re not alone—God is with you
you’re not unlovable—Jesus loves you
This is all ETERNALLY TRUE! The devil will lie to us and falsely insist otherwise. Satan will claim that God has abandoned us, that He has forgotten us, that our sins are so great that not even Christ could forgive or love us. THAT IS ALL FALSE!
God IS LOVE. Therefore God cannot help but love us, and forgive us, and think of us, and Be with us… for that is His very nature! The devil is incapable of love so he cannot understand this, and refuses to even acknowledge it. But in our hearts, we know better. We have the Truth of Scripture, of God’s promises.
On your darkest days, when you feel utterly lost and alone and afraid… remember this. God is still there. God is ALWAYS there, like the sun shining even behind a tornado cloud. Turn to Him, seek Him with your entire heart, and even if you can’t see Him, rest in perfect assurance that He will meet you there. Have faith. ❤
thesovereignword: “Come as you are” does not mean that God is okay with whatever sins are currently in our lives and we don’t have to worry about repenting of them.
“Come as you are” just means not to let your current sins prevent you from coming before God because of shame. It means coming to God as you are (in repentance) and expecting to be radically changed by Him through the power of the Holy Spirit and molded into the image of His Son.
I feel that Isaiah 1 puts this joint warning and relief in stark clarity.
“Woe to the sinful nation… They have forsaken the Lord; they have spurned the Holy One of Israel and turned their backs on him… When you spread out your hands in prayer, I hide my eyes from you; even when you offer many prayers, I am not listening. Your hands are full of blood! Wash and make yourselves clean. Take your evil deeds out of my sight; stop doing wrong. Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow.“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword… Zion will be delivered with justice, her penitent ones with righteousness.But rebels and sinners will both be broken, and those who forsake the Lord will perish.”
Following this, there is this passage from 1 Corinthians 6:
“…Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: [no doers of evil] will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
So yes, come as you are, but come to Him in order to be CHANGED. For if we do not, we will be destroyed by the very sins we cling to. Just remember– God is WILLING and WANTING to change us for the better! Please, do turn to Him, and go to Him, just as you are! He knows our sin already; if we truly repent and offer that repentance to Him, He will wash us clean of it, white as snow!
Many people believe quality of life only exists in the possessions and wealth collected in this lifetime. True legacy is what lasts for eternity. God’s Word reminds us that we’re called to build our legacy on His truth and that “the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever.” Psalm 112:6. Think about how you’ll be remembered—by loved ones, by your community, your children and grandchildren. “More than anything else let them know where you stand with the Lord Jesus Christ, for this will be your lasting legacy.” Our days are numbered. The legacy we leave is not just in our possessions, but in the quality of our lives. The greatest waste in all of our earth, which cannot be recycled or reclaimed, is our waste of the time that God has given us each day.” —Billy Graham
Today is the International Day Of Families. The family is the basic unit of society, the microcosm of the public macrocosm, and it is within the family that all change and progress has its roots– as well as all trouble and stagnation. The health of a nation’s families ultimately affects the health of the entire world… and that health starts within our souls. Who better to turn to then, but the Divine Physician Himself?
The legacies we leave behind to our children indeed affect the very fabric of our global community, and that effect determines whether or not we are building the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth. Today, let us be aware of our precious time and influence, and use it for His Glory. May we choose eternal truth over temporal distractions, and may we live our lives in a holy way that inspires our children, friends, and neighbors to do the same.
God bless all families!
“I believe [sin] has no substance or real existence. It can only be known by the pain it causes. This pain is something, as I see it, which lasts but a while. It purges us and makes us know ourselves, so that we ask for mercy.”
— Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love (transl. Clifton Wolters)
The way I see it, is that sin is the absence of God. But God IS. God is literally That Which EXISTS, the Creator and Cause of all things. Therefore, sin is effectively temporal. It cannot exist in the Presence of God– in that state we call Heaven. But here on Earth, with our free will and ignorance, we can experience a blindness to God’s Presence, an unconsciousness of His Truth, and in such an artificial “absence of God” sin can and does occur, Lord have mercy on us poor souls.
But the pain can indeed move us to look up, to seek Truth, to seek Love, to beg Mercy. Suffering has been sanctified by Christ as a way to lead us to His Cross, should we humbly accept it as such. Feeling that terrible ache of sin, realizing the gulf it puts between us and God, indeed may tempt us to despair– but fear not! Look to Christ! Hope in Him! He is calling you out of sin’s lie and into God’s Truth! Crucify your sinful self by the Grace of His Pure Love. “It is finished.” Sin will not, and cannot, last forever. God’s Mercy is the exit door from doom. Go to Him!
"And this is the marvel of marvels; that He called me Beloved." -C.S. Lewis
And He wants us to call Him Beloved too. Marvel of marvels, that the Author of Creation loves us so truly that He desires a personal relationship with us.
"Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true." - Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl
As always, reflect on this truth– this is how God loves us, through Christ Jesus, and this is how Jesus calls us to love each other. This is why I am joyfully Catholic. This is how God works His plan of salvation; this is how sinners become saints; this is the truth of Creation itself… all of it, the very Kingdom of God, is built on this love.
"There is always something left to love."
-Gabriel García Márquez One Hundred Years Of Solitude
This is one of the most joyously beautiful truths I can imagine.
In the tiny things of life, in the pain and hurt and doubt… in the grandeur of creation, in the awe and wonder and vastness… Always! There is always more to love! Creation is infinite and so is love; so is our calling to give it, to receive it, to live in it. God loves us with an endless love; may we reflect that back to God, in every atom of His Creation, and especially in every fellow soul we meet.
"I have always loved everything about you. Even what I didn’t understand."
- Albert Camus
This is how we should love both God and our fellow man. Our understanding is so limited. Our minds will never know everything. But our hearts do not need to. Truth speaks beyond what thought can grasp, and pierces directly to our inmost comprehension. Our hearts resonate with it. All we need to know is love. All we need to understand is love. Everything else will follow.
"You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them." -
I believe this is one of the most sincere ways we can reflect back the ultimate Good of God, of Christ, to our fellow man. May we have the grace to be “good things” in the lives of others, to be little lights carrying the Light to all. God loves us all, for He Is Love. May we do the same, just this simply, just this deeply.
“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”
This is how God loves us! Let that truth sink in; its beauty and profundity is heartwrenchingly joyous.
Equally beautiful is this second truth– This love, this divinely merciful love, is the love we are all called to reflect back to each other. We are divinely called to love all our fellow human beings with this sacrificial love, both friends and enemies alike.
“…I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matthew 5:44-45)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Never limit your prayers because you think you’re sinful or undeserving. You’re not praying because of who you are - you’re praying because of who Heis.
The “Our Father” itself, a prayer Jesus personally taught us, includes all of this– not only an admission of our sinfulness but also a plea for forgiveness and grace… not only admission of God’s ultimate power and greatness, but also admission of His deigning to be addressed as Our Father… not despite, but blessedly for the sake of, our weakness. We are like helpless unlearned children, yes, but He yearns to call us His children. This alone speaks volumes.
God knows we’re sinners; every human is. And yes, we are undeserving of all the good He gives us. But that’s the point– humbly recognizing and acknowledging our lowly state, while also humbly recognizing and acknowledging God’s unfathomable Love and Mercy for us in Christ Jesus, is what opens our hearts to not only receive His generosity, but to also pray to Him– to personally speak and listen to Him– in gratitude and joy and sorrow and fear and confusion and all the other states of our lives.
God is Good. God is just and merciful, loving and disciplinary, trustworthy and mysterious. He created the stars and our fingernails. He is Our Father, and I believe that he truly loves to hear our prayers, just as any loving parent loves to hear the sweet voices of their little ones, turning to them with simple pure hearts.
“Rejoice at all times. Pray without ceasing. Give thanks in every circumstance, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
When one day I resolved to practice a certain virtue, I lapsed into the vice opposed to that virtue ten times more frequently than on other days. In the evening, I was reflecting on why, today, I had lapsed so extraordinarily, and I heard the words: You were counting too much on yourself and too little on Me. And I understood the cause of my lapses. - Saint Faustina, Diary 1087
Christ is the fount and source of all virtue, so if we indeed want to increase in virtue, we must allow Christ to increase in us first. Without Him we are literally powerless. Humility is essential.
I struggle with this daily too, dear Faustina. Thank you for sharing with us the lessons our beloved Lord has so blessed you with, that we too may grow in loving holiness.
I'm really, really depressed today. I'm having a religious-existential crisis again and I just want to cry. I'm scared. I want to die but I don't. I really need to type this out.
Since the disaster of NC, I've had a lot to think about, notably these things: 1. Realizing how easily I can pretend to be someone I'm not, to make someone else "happy." 2. Realizing that I am not transgendered, but my "alters" were. ...
I don’t hate TBAS. I love them, but their lifestyle is unhealthy for me, and living with them did not allow me to question or analyze myself in comparison to that.
Things that I constantly see on Tumblr that confuse and frighten me because I don't understand: 1. "Christian witches" 2. LGBTQIA+ individuals insisting that "Jesus was gay/ trans*/ etc." when I feel it is blasphemous to focus on His "sexual orientation" 3.
I'm afraid of sex. I admit that. I do not want it. It is a frightening, painful thing.
I have no idea whether or not I'm "attracted" to anyone or if it's all societal programming. I can say folks are "handsome" or "pretty" but the thought of marrying someone, having children with them, etc. is terrifying to me still. I love people, but that sort of sexual relationship is alien to me.
I don't know what happened to my relationship with Chaos Zero. I want to weep just typing that. (I am. Two seconds and I'm in heartrending tears.) I still dream about him, all the time.
I gave my plush doll of him to TBAS and I waited on that for weeks because I couldn't bear to let go of it. But my heart said, "don't become attached to material things. Don't focus your love on an object, for anyone or anything. Love in spirit, the way God wants you to love Him, and all things." In other words, "Love the person in the photograph so truly that if the photo was burned you would not cry."
I'm still weeping. I haven't spoken much to anyone "in headspace" since moving back out here, because I realized too late that the way we were functioning in NC was utterly contrary to our mode of existence. We were NEVER MEANT TO FRONT. And we were NEVER MEANT TO BE "HUMAN." We were never meant to "live as individuals" outside of our soul and the fact that we felt obligated to for over a year basically murdered us.
Which reminds me. One of the few things I remember reading on TBAS's journal recently-- as I did log on a few times to check on them-- was them having a sort of personal "epiphany" that I, as the Lotus Cathedral, was "not special" as a System-- that Lynne was "just an orange girl," that Laurie was "just a punk-type person," etc. And… when I read that, I literally laughed out loud, and cried with relief. If THAT is how they saw us, then THEY NEVER KNEW US AT ALL. That… that's such a blatantly absolute misunderstanding of our System's very HEART. Lynne was NEVER a "girl who liked violins"-- she was a personification of femininity and our lost future AS a woman who was expected to be a musician. She was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "A GIRL." Similarly, Laurie was NEVER just someone "who liked axes"-- she was a personification of our love=pain complex and she carried that heavy weapon to BEHEAD US for our sins. Lynne became orange as her role became more joyful, and Laurie became purple as her role became less bitter. EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS SPIRITUAL and the very thought that we were, at any time, even able to live as "physical people" is actually personally nauseating because it stands in such total opposition to our purpose. And to realize, suddenly, that TBAS never realized that, that they wanted us to "live as a System" in the way THEY did, in the world… suddenly we understood why they treated us so bizarrely according to our criteria, why we never truly got along deep down, why we never truly saw eye to eye-- and why we had to DEVELOP SOCIALS TO PLAY THOSE ROLES WHILE WE WERE IN NC. We wondered for ages why the Socials suddenly became the main folks fronting-- but we never realized that it was because ONLY SOCIALS ARE EVEN SUPPOSED TO FRONT, and if TBAS was expecting us to "live OUTWARDLY as a multiple," then it was literally inevitable that ONLY THE SOCIALS COULD DO THAT. So we broke. We were no longer able to live inside, to live as us, and we became something totally new and unhealthy and thankfully temporary in order to fit TBAS's criteria instead. I see that now, and it allows me to-- at the most general level, but nevertheless-- forgive us both for our absolutely blind and ignorant and blind and appeasing and insincere behavior, because neither of us even realized who the other person WAS. So I can let go of that totally now, again, bit by bit, because I can see that whoever I was with TBAS was not the true me and I never knew the true them, either, as a result. The key to forgiveness is Christ's prayer-- "for they know not what they do"-- and truly, we didn't. So that moves me to sad compassion, and motivates me to never repeat that mistake of ignorance in the future. May I have the grace to see when I am committing such huge wrongs in blindness, so that I may STOP and AMEND my life immediately.
Oh, by the way. TBAS also, at some point, made a comment that we were "like Justice" (the Jewel Monster) but we only read like, one line into that sentence, because similarly to the above, as soon as we began to read their explanation it hit us like a truck that THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. And I laughed because oh my gosh THEY NEVER KNEW THE FULL STORY. They never knew!! No wonder every time "Revenge" came out in their System our stomach turned and we felt like angrily sobbing-- it's because he was born from a COMPLETELY FALSE IDEA OF NOT ONLY HIS PERSON, BUT HIS HISTORY. The file that TBAS latched onto about him was written by a hacker for the EXPLICIT PURPOSE OF SKEWING THEIR RELATIONSHIP so that hackers could make us think that ALL relationships were sexual. They did this with LOTS of Leagueworlds at the time, and we have since purged ALL of that terrifying slander, including that DW file that, for unknown reasons, was kept. But not only that, TBAS had no idea how the original Justice/Revenge event ENDED. I saw it all at once in 2005 while listening to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and it basically went like this… Justice had an "alter ego" named Revenge that was born as a result of his being exposed to the corrupt "justice" in the human world, which he had entered AS A PROPHET to try and call people to repentance, a la the Bible. But Justice got confused and corrupted in the process because he ISOLATED himself there, gradually starving off his roots to his World, and messing him up in the same way any Christian would be messed up if they stopped going to Mass. Anyway, Devonexx-- the Dream World version of Satan-- was also visiting the human world to try and do the opposite of Justice-- trying to corrupt people's minds and kill those who opposed him and all sorts of awful things-- and in that process he found Justice, who was now emitting a dual Virtue/Vice signature as he corrupted, but this duality is a RARE and DANGEROUS occurrence in a Jewel Monster because as long as it is dual, SO IS THEIR SELF. So he found Justice, and cruelly "overloaded" him with Vicious energy (which is a thing you can do in canon), to try and force him "over the fence" and lock his signature into a Vice. WHICH HE SUCCEEDED IN DOING-- and there was Revenge. HOWEVER. Such an awful event could not happen without the DW Guardians finding out, so the WHOLE GANG was there trying to stop him-- and so was Jewel Lightraye with the FIRST SYSTEM OUTSPACERS-- Bakura and Marik. SERIOUSLY. So when Justice became Revenge, they ALL tried to talk him out of it, by attesting to virtue and light and love and truth, but REVENGE WOULDN'T LISTEN. Remember he was a CORRUPTION OF JUSTICE so his entire mindset is based upon mangling the truth. His existence was born of a hopeless frustrated fear of seeing such evil in the world and wondering "why do the good suffer from such evil" WITHOUT FAITH IN GOD'S JUSTICE AND MERCY. As a result Justice got pushed into the vice of despair, and despair led to self-hatred, and self-hatred led to rage, and rage led to vengeance, and suddenly this force for equity and righteousness became a force for destroying "hopelessly" sinful people instead of patiently, sacrificially helping them convert. And of COURSE Devonexx wanted to take advantage of this. But Revenge REFUSED. He was still a CORRUPTION of a Virtue, not a born Vice, and so he saw no fellowship with a being who wanted to kill for the sake of malice. No, Revenge was twisted enough to want to kill "because they brought that judgment upon themselves." And he HATED HIMSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. He had been pushed out of faith into fear and now he convinced himself he had no choice but this awful role-- BUT! NOW THE GUARDIANS ARE HERE! And they all FOUGHT him with everything they were, the whole time NOT HURTING HIM, but trying to show him as much of THEIR faith and hope and love and mercy and patience and forgiveness as possible, trying to push him BACK into virtue, trying to clarify to him what Justice truly was-- and guess what? IT WORKED. At the end of the battle, when EVERYONE BUT REVENGE AND DEVONEXX WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT, and it looked like evil had won, Revenge realized that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, and he REVERTED. Yes, that was never written down, but JUSTICE RETURNED TO HIMSELF. And then do you know what he did? HE KICKED THE DEVIL'S BUTT. I am serious. I remember writing down that "Justice is the most powerful Jewel Monster in existence" BECAUSE of this-- because when he came to his senses, he turned and looked at Devonexx with a burning desire to do good and atone for his sins at any cost, and used an ability which he called "Prayer of Martyrdom"-- a massive outpouring of virtuous energy that was so intense that it basically would kill him. But Justice decided that it was worth it. So yeah, not only did this Prayer revive the Guardians through its immense Good, but it knocked Devonexx into submission, which NO ONE HAD EVER DONE BEFORE IN ALL OF DREAM WORLD HISTORY (then and now). When the smoke cleared, Devonexx dragged himself back to the Nightmare World where he spent months in recovery, and Justice himself fell to the ground, literally breathing his last. But Maitru was there, and as the Guardian of Love, she was NOT gonna let that happen, so she dragged him back to the Dream World where he spent months in recovery, haha. But yeah. TBAS never knew the full story and even though the plot did change in recent years, the changes were never fully written down, which is something I don't think TBAS EVER realized. Honestly, like… I'd be surprised if 50% of ALL Leagueworld info was written down. The vast majority of it is in my heart and in my head alone. But yeah, this, too, showed me that TBAS never knew the truth, from no active fault of their own, and so I forgive them for their blatant misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which made me sick and scared and sad for many many months, because I, too, didn't understand that they were working from a foundation of falsehood. Which, in a way, is entirely my fault, for not standing up FOR the truth and informing them of it. The problem is I don't know how aware I was OF that false foundation back then, with how I constantly flailed to "make them happy at any cost to myself", let alone how willing I'd be TO "shatter their introject's very roots" as a result. I know we did effectively TRY to in the beach house, and the absolute "I cannot live like this anymore" despair that wracked our bones in that duvet bed still hurts. But it's forgiven. I don't remember any details, or words, or outcomes, or instigations. All I know is that it's over and now I can see why it happened at all and I can, with a relieved smile and forgiving laugh, wash that pain away. Consider it absolved, by the grace of God, even if it still stings a little, like a bruise. Don't bump it, then, and it will heal, I promise. We're all getting our hearts bandaged up today.
But yeah. More than anything, my time with TBAS showed me what I am not, as opposed to what they thought I was. And that was a SCARY revelation, but it was VITAL. It shook me up so badly, that it took months to fully face it, and then months to fully accept it, and then months to fully act on it… I'm still learning and growing, and I do deeply regret most of what I said and did out there, in my absolute dizzied ignorance and kowtowing. But like I said, I, too, had my foundation revealed as utterly false-- and now I can put Christ into that cornerstone position for good, pun intended. I don't think He ever was before, which is scary. And yet, would I have ever realized THAT if I hadn't been utterly broken down and shaken up and ruined and ravaged and humiliated and humbled by my time in NC? Probably not! It had its purpose, and now I can rebuild, slowly, just like Notre Dame after the fire. Just like it.
---
We needed a System reset for years and we got the biggest one imaginable. Everything is dead. Everything is razed to the ground, burned flat and blacked-out, annihilated to the last speck. Except Laurie's still here. Except I saw Knife the other day. Except Genesis ghosted twice within the past two months or so. Except I can still feel their hearts, weak but real, distant but extant, even now.
Except I don't want to be "multiple" in the way TBAS was "multiple" anymore.
I want it all to go back to the way it was in high school, and college-- just me out front, and everyone else helping inside. There were too many of us. We got too tangled-up in trauma and fractured beyond function.
Now what?
Can I be a good Catholic, devoted to Christ and His Gospel, and be multiple?
Can I be in aching, ardent, abiding love with a fictional character and still be a good Catholic?
What if part of my soul is queer, and transgender, and all those other things that "go against nature?" What if my soul used to be broken into hundreds of pieces and all those pieces loved each other and sought their common highest good at any cost, no matter how much pain we had to struggle through, no matter how long it took or how many times we fell disastrously and had to drag ourselves back up through the mud again?
I don't know what to do.
I think I was living a better Catholic life when I was multiple than I am now. That's the long and short of it.
Whatever we became in North Carolina was shockingly toxic and it was NOT the real us. Whatever we became as a result of hyperfocus on trauma exposure therapy was disgustingly self-annihilatory and it is NOT the real us. The latter defined the former and I want to avoid that ever happening again.
I wept earlier, in the bathroom, drying my hair and looking at my sunken cheeks, over how much I missed the ocean, and how bitter I surprisingly was over how my beach trip in SC last year was "hijacked" by dishonesty and circumstance. Because of TBAS's unfortunately controlling love at the time, I could not let go and live; I could not enjoy my time there, could not just be, could not relax and drink it all in… except for that one afternoon, that one blessed afternoon, lying alone on the beach, smelling the salt air and writing in that aqua notebook, the sun caressing my back. That one experience, that sacred time, is what I miss, and what I yearn to re-experience.
...
I'm typing in old Leagueworld notes into my computer and, just like it's been for years, the process is deeply depressing. I know why, now-- in most of it, there's no focus on God. There's no center in Christ. Yes, every Leagueworld does have religious tones and roots, but it became so garbled and miscommunicated over time, that it was no longer fitting to be considered good Catholic media. THAT is why I began to "hate my creative work"-- because my soul recognized that what I was creating was EMPTY and ultimately PURPOSELESS. This is also why I got cripplingly depressed in NC whenever I attempted to work on the League-- because TBAS didn't want to acknowledge the ancient fact that even when it fell short, it was all SUPPOSED to focus on CHRIST OUR GOD. So I'm restoring that, unflinchingly and obviously. For some Worlds, it's wonderfully easy-- like Dream World and Hokthai-- but others, like Oneircia, Mage Angels, and Voltage, got their inherent and integral religious content corrupted by new-age sources and confusion and misinformation. Others, like Puppetstrings and E*Girls, were always so stuck in magic-related ideas that they never spoke to Christianity and that NEEDS to change. So I'm working on that now and I have total faith that it will restore my joy in these Worlds I've been blessed to have created through the grace of Christ sharing His creative powers through me-- for HIS SAKE!! That's the ultimate reminder. It is ALL FOR HIM, or it is all for nothing.
...
I'm also disturbed by how much psychological & spiritual disease is apparent in these old writings, speaking volumes as to my current struggles and my old sins. For example, Parnassus is a rape nightmare at its very core, or at least, it was. And a lot of character personality notes-- liars, thieves, manipulators, sociopaths, strategizers, philosophers, you name it-- say a lot about the ugly sides of my personality as well, frighteningly so as most of this is from when I was like 14, 15. And believe me, I know how much evil was swarming in me then. Look at the roots of the System. So this requires a lot of humility and self-inspection, to review. It's making me feel the need to take a "merciless moral inventory" and see just how much of this is still lurking in me actively, and how much has been crucified with Christ. Yes, it's a daily struggle against sin and will be until I die, but it's deeply reassuring to see how many of these points have been "dormant" for years, and by the grace of God will remain so.
And I wonder how much of that got into the System. Remember how, years ago, I was considering making a list of "League/System Character Archetypes" because the same personality "cores" seemed to keep repeating, especially within the same colors? Like Laurie and Picayune and Monika (all Indigo at the time), like Waldorf and Preludove and Hosanna (all Blue), like Lynne and Pagotamiar and Psyche (all Orange)? And even the color shifts speak to this- like how Laurie is now brilliantly Purple, and resonates now with Bastion and Psyquatro and Emepsyche in that regard. It's all being drawn from my soul, ultimately, by God. And so I'd like to review this deeper, and see how many attributes do indeed echo across it all, to gain a clearer view of my self, for that is truly what I am looking into, as into a mirror… and to then see how much of that reflection needs to be cleaned up, so it reflects Christ more.
That fact is also what was the finalizing factor in my "integrating" most of my multiplicity after returning home to PA last October. If those hundreds of alters, splinters and introjects and all, are ultimately part of me, then why in the world would I want to exist in such a fragmented sense anymore? Living with TBAS and seeing that fragmentation firsthand was the strongest factor in that decision, though, I have to admit. Seeing it firsthand showed me, beyond all doubt, just how unhealthy it was. Seeing them displaying their symptoms convinced me that I never wanted to live like that again if I could help it. This is not to say that all of their condition is harmful-- they, too, had many benevolent alters-- but at its roots, their multiplicity was just as traumatized and ill as mine was, and living with that on both sides of my eyeballs for a year was almost more than I could bear. My multiplicity symptoms became less and less as time went on, and I became less and less willing to enforce and exaggerate them for TBAS's "entertainment", or rather, to match the "image" they had of me as someone who was "inherently" multiple, according to THEIR experience of it. That sudden breakage in function is what destroyed my System, and ironically, is also what freed me from its gilded chains. I cut off contact with TBAS in October and at the same time I cut myself off from that jail of a past, to stumble painfully but hopefully into a new future as a single person, as the girl God created, learning how to live at last.
So that's where I am now. I don't have all the answers-- heck, I don't feel like I have any right now. God does, but He doesn't hand them out easily. Divine Silence is a thing, as is Divine Mystery, and walking by Faith instead of sight. Above and within it all is Divine Love. Paradoxically, beautifully, that is the answer. If I strive to walk in His Love, then I don't need literal language answers-- Love IS the answer. (Thanks Todd Rundgren.)
And that brings us back to square one.
The Blood Lotus Cathedral was built to love. Yes, even though it had ugly trauma roots and branches, at the end of the day, we were always just trying so hard to love. But our love had the WRONG ORIGIN AND END. I see that now. If Love isn't both FROM AND FOR GOD, then it's not really love. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is life-saving medicine.
... I have to revisit the gender topic again, briefly.
I have "misgendered" people in this journal in the past, meaning that I referred to them with pronouns that match their birth sex, whereas they insisted I do otherwise. I cannot, in good conscience, do this. I don't understand sex and gender very well at all, and I want to write about that more, but the bottom line is that I strongly believe that biological sex and gendered pronouns should be analogous. Intersex people are the obvious exception to this rule, and Judaism itself speaks of this in the Talmud, but I do not have that education so I cannot elaborate on it here. However, biology does seem to have the strongest say as to pronouns in most cases. And I agree with that, because I believe that although God Himself transcends gender, the binary nature of gender is intrinsic to Creation and is VITAL to it, as it is the basis of creative unity. Chromosomal errors that result in intersex conditions are a symptom of imperfection in fallen nature BUT it's just an error, not a condemnation. It happens, in humans and butterflies and cardinals too. It happens, but in the Book of Genesis we see how the original plan of Creation was-- clear differentiation between two complimentary sexes. Again, God is both above and within all this. We call Him our "Father" because that is the role He took to our ancestors, although He also refers to Himself in feminine terms and motherly analogies, because that is just as true and accurate! God is our Mother as well as our Father. Legal gender influenced the male pronouns throughout history, I would believe, but that does not nullify the all-encompassing nature of God-- and the fact that He/She/Xe/They/etc. are the very Source and Definition of Love, no matter what, and therefore love us no matter what. This does not mean that God approves of transgenderism, though, in the case of someone denying their birth sex based on personal preferenece or feelings.
And yes, Jesus does speak of "eunuchs" in Matthew 19, but IN THE CONTEXT OF CHASTITY AND CELIBACY.
(Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”)
"It is better not to marry" followed by a discussion of eunuchs STRONGLY implies that those who do not adhere to the binary-- those "born that way," as intersex, and those "made that way" through genital manipulation-- are GROUPED with those "who choose [to live as eunuchs]," such as vowed celibates, and ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOULD STAY UNMARRIED AND CHASTE. So in my understanding, if you are born with OR 'develop' a mental state where you are unable or unwilling to match the sexual binary, then you should NOT DO SEXUAL THINGS because SEX REQUIRES THE BINARY. Simple as that.
As for pronouns, I feel that if one is willing to humble themselves enough to practice this gift of celibacy, however challenging it may be, then they should be equally humble enough to use, or at least accept, the pronouns that fit their legal gender. We should avoid all possibilities of scandalizing others, such as crossdressing, and I think pronouns fall very obviously into this. Humans struggle with sexual sin. We must be careful to respect the souls of others by not setting up obstacles and pitfalls for them through our treatment of sexuality, however "innocent" we may feel our intentions are.
But back to the beginning. Because of this I refuse to call someone by pronouns other than those that match their biology, if it is known. This should not be an issue if our culture respected societal gender roles more clearly, which it does not. To quote Pope Francis, "biological sex and the socio-cultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated." We should always respect this connection. And honestly, if it's difficult for a person to respect this, isn't that a cross? Isn't that a sin that we need to die to, to crucify so we can be reborn in Christ? Isn't disrespect, and disobedience, and all other sorts of contention, inherently sinful, as it does not rest in faith and humility? If someone feels socially male but was born a woman, wouldn't their cross be to accept their birth sex and pray for the grace to live according to it, OR to "choose to live as a eunuch," as Christ Himself offered as an option? That's what I'm doing. I was born female, but I know that I cannot properly act as a wife, and I have prayed EXTENSIVELY about this. I choose to be a eunuch for Christ, living an unmarried chaste life, while respecting my societal duties as a female, and always humbly adhering to them when I am aware of them (especially in dress).
I will admit, I sinned horribly against this in the past, by NOT respecting sex and gender and chastity and humility. I must admit this openly as it is very very hard to forgive myself some days, as I "should have known better." And indeed I should have, but I didn't. I was lost, I was confused, I was ignorant, I was out of my mind, I was shoving every ounce of my personality and morality under the rug for the sake of "tolerance" and "people-pleasing" and "healing." Unfortunately, no labels will ever make a sin not a sin. And the consequences will ALWAYS speak loudly and unquestionably to that fact, which they did.
Homosexual behavior is always sinful, EVEN if motivated by "love," because homosexual behavior disrespects the role of sexuality in creation and therefore it DOES NOT LOVE GOD. So no matter how much you may love another person, choosing to give into lust "for love" IS ALWAYS SINFUL. Lust is a deadly sin, no matter what your sexuality is, and EVERYONE should be diligent in rooting it out. This carries heavier weight for homosexual individuals because, in choosing to act upon that disordered inclination, they are refusing to keep lust in check. Love can be expressed ENTIRELY WITHOUT SEX, and the simple fact that anyone, straight or gay or otherwise, would refuse to accept that fact in all battles against lust, shows that they are still a slave to their flesh. Just because you identify as homosexual, you don't need to act upon it. Same thing with all other abnormalities of sexuality. Just don't do it. Pray for the grace. Love still exists, and Love will help you.
Back to this topic. I'm a "she" but I used to be part of a "they" which also included "he" and "it" and "xe" and other such messes of gender nonconformity. And I need to look at that, seriously so. As a woman, what does it say, for part of my mind to have previously split into identities of differing gender? I can answer that-- it was because I rejected my biology and societal role at an early age, proudly and ignorantly and unwisely and foolishly, but I did. So in a mess, my mind missed the easy fix, and instead formed a muddle of genders that were all so loosely defined and fluid and overlapping that they effectively deleted the very meaning and significance of gender itself-- which, effectively, was also the case, as we all identified as "genderless" in the end, regardless of pronouns. But ironically, THAT TESTIFIED TO THE TRUTH. Because in the end we ALL could narrow it down to the binary, one way or another. And it's such a relief. There are no more mental gymnastics in an effort to justify some rebellious idea. We have peace, now. Our hearts are simple.
Again, though, our System needs to heal still, even if only in "hindsight"-- I don't know if we do or can still exist as multiple, but I can at least analyze the gender aspect of it now and heal the mutations. But that's for another entry.
The one point I keep getting dragged back to, what with the whole gender & sexuality issue, is unavoidably, my 15-year several-self relationship with Chaos Zero.
(041819) I don't want to be wedded-- I want to BE THE WEDDING.
☆I've realized that when I say "I like caves and caverns" it's because I actually see them mentally as ILLUMINATED. I honestly forget that caves are naturally dark and cold, not bright and comforting!
(041819) I need to give some serious thought & prayer to my ultimate earthly vocation. Of course, regardless of particulars, my ultimate goal and inherent core cause is to serve Christ, to love & glorify Him, to grow ever closer to Him, to testify to His power & grace in my life. But what form will that take? What should it take? What is God calling me to do? The very thought of church, of the memories I carry of them in my heart, moves me to ecstatic weeping. Lord knows I want to join a convent, to live IN that space for the rest of my worldly days, to serve the Lord and adore Him so directly. To be a nun or sister joined to the Basilica of the National Shrine… oh how I dream of it!! But. Religious life has an acceptance process, and if the Lord in His ineffable judgment, however mysterious, says "no" to this vocation for me (although I pray He says "yes" and so moves & guides & strengthens my heart), then what other roads will open? What roads exist? Because honestly, I can only see three-- the religious life, the community life, and the married life. And strangely, surprisingly, since recovering from heathenism & transgenderism, I have been thinking-- for the first time in my life-- about children. It still feels "not quite right." I don't feel called to be a mother, let alone a wife. But I do feel a new love towards children, in a newly maternal light.
(041819) Stress is like carrying a glass of water for too long. DRINK IT. Process & transmute it. ☆I like this analogy; it opens a lot of doors for creative analysis. What's in your cup of stress? How can we expand upon that symbolism, born from our subconscious, to learn even more about ourselves? Is your stress-cup drinkable? If not, why? If it's Windex instead of Pepsi, why? And what sort of glass are you holding it in? A teacup, a coffee mug, a shot glass, a gallon jug? How big is it, how much does it hold? What temperature is it? Is it burning or freezing your hand? All of these things, speaking from our deep inner places, reveal a great deal about us.
(041719) I just visited the med window & the nurse told me, "make sure you wash your hands before you eat dinner, because your room will be locked afterwards!" I asked if that was because of maintenance, as they've been working in that corner for a day now, but she said, smiling, "No, it's so you don't throw up." …I thought I had left all of that behind, here. But no, there it is, like a returning cancer after the chemo is over. This time at HAVEN has been so vital to my recovery. No one ever even mentioned eating disorders. I was the only person to even refer to it in passing, as something I had passed by-- truly, as something I had passed on from, as a dead end I had died to. I felt reborn here. I felt free. I felt unhindered and trusted and innocent and capable and hopeful and brimming with goals for my new future. Eating disorders were far from my mind. And then that unknowing nurse threw me right back into jail. I'm sick of bulimia hell. Let it rot in the past where it belongs. If I'm trying to rebuild my life, I refuse to use rotten wood to do so. But as long as the people around me keep bringing it up I will NEVER be able to move on because they keep throwing handcuffs back on me. I want to cry. I want to punch a hole in the wall. Part of me even wants to skip dinner-- proving that I won't purge because I'm empty. But I'm sick of being miserable and bitter over it. It's exhausting. If I want to abandon the eating disorder, then I need to just let go. I have to see this as what I feel it truly is-- persecution by the evil one. I have to think about what Saint Paul probably went through. Imagine if he was in my place. Here he is, recovering & growing & learning how to be ever more kind & loving & gracious, innocent in his reliance on Christ's healing power… and then suddenly, one day, he walks up to the med window & they tell him, "make sure you bring lots of napkins to dinner because you won't have any utensils." He replies, "oh, is there a shortage on this unit?" Friendly, innocent. And then the reply, with a smile… "No, it's so you don't use them to attack any Christians." …You see why this hurts. It is a work of the evil on because it is BLATANTLY based on an utter lack of trust in Christ. In that reply, both Saint Paul and I are being told, "I know how evil you were before you came here. I am not taking any chances with your behavior. Because if I truly trusted in your recovery, in your rebirth, I would give you the utensils, I would leave the door open. But no, no. In my eyes, you still look like a bulimic and a murderer. You both look like agents of wanton destruction. Yes, you claim faith in Christ, and in His power to heal you. But I don't have faith in that. So I will take my precautions." …This leaves me with a very important fact, a choice I must make. The fact is: I have faith in Christ's ability to heal me. But the world doesn't. The world CANNOT have faith in Him. So it'll never trust His work in me. But it's not about me anymore, not truly. I must realize that this persecution is an opportunity to testify TO Christ, in the face of all opposition. Since the world cannot trust Christ's working in me, I must EXPECT opposition. I must EXPECT distrust and accusation and all sorts of trials. The world will NEVER see me as recovering, let alone recovered, unless IT is responsible. It cannot accept any Savior but itself. But that's impossible, and my life is proof. No doctors, no surgeries, no hospitals, no therapy, no meds, no magic, no manipulation, nothing will "cure" me because nothing CAN cure me except Christ, because He IS the Cure. He IS health and joy and trust and wholeness and rebirth. And for His sake, for the sake of testifying TO Him and His essence and His power in my life, I must not despair. Earlier I wanted to vomit out of spite but THAT IS EVIL and it would only "prove the world right." And I cannot, will not, do that. No. Christ is deserving of uncompromising honor and through His Grace I MUST give Him that. I must eat wisely, and continue to keep it all in even when I'm sick and scared. The world wants me to fail because it wants Him to fail. Therefore I am being called to a sort of martyrdom over this.
(later) I have to admit this. I gave in. Dinner hurt too much to eat and I felt awful saying "no thank you" to all the donated vegetables when I knew that otherwise they would all be thrown into the trash bin before my very eyes. But eating that much-- treating myself, effectively, as the garbage bin, as ironic as that is in contrast to my motivation-- was so excruciatingly painful that I honestly could not bear it. So therein was my conflict of mercy. In showing mercy to the food, and the good motives of my fellow patients, I neglected mercy to my own soul. Saying "no" would not harm my fellow patients in any real way, but… they wanted so badly to see me eat, they didn't want me to starve, they didn't understand that a "no" on my part was not an indication of total relapse, and honestly I enjoyed experiencing their care and concern and generosity and gratitude and support and joy when I did eat another mouthful so much that the thought of saying "no" to ALL of that in connection with the food that enabled its expression was unthinkable. And so I failed to even consider the possibility of adverse consequences on my part as a result of saying "yes." It seemed impossible. And hey, isn't that just what we're learning about trauma? Survival instinct comes first. When your idea of survival is skewed in the moment, you pick the wrong option. You sacrifice physical health if it means your heart might escape without any more scars. You're so desperate for the survival of a relationship, for the survival of human connection, even if that connection is founded on something utterly unstable, that you prioritize it over all else in the moment. Dissociation makes it worse, when you've learned to kick your own body under the table so often and quickly that you forget it's even yours anymore, and that you have to live in it once the other person leaves the room. I cared so much about finally feeling hope from these people about my health, that I-- irony of ironies-- sabotaged my health just to keep them smiling. Just to convince myself that I was "being a good girl" in their eyes, in the mind of the unit. And yet that one nurse stands as a terrible testimony to the underlying truth of it all. Only God's judgment matters. The world will eventually stop believing in me. But I don't care about that. I can't care about that, because you're not SUPPOSED to believe in me. No one is, not even me, especially not me. Either I believe in Christ, either you believe in Christ, or we don't believe in anything at all. So in the end, who cares if the nurse and the unit see only failure in me? If I am anchored in faith in Christ, their opinion cannot change His Truth. It's not my truth-- God knows I doubt everything I do and think and say the way it is. But that's not what matters. I must have faith in CHRIST, working IN ME. It's HIS POWER. I must abandon myself to it utterly. That's the hard part-- that last step of totally dying to oneself. But it's the only thing that's going to get me out of this trauma pattern. I need to remember this.
MY WARNING SIGNS: 1. Staring stiffly into space 2. Closed body language 3. Talking fast, "babbling" 4. Agitated body language, esp. arm/ hand waving
MY TRIGGERS & STRESSORS: 1. Sustained loud noises, lots of movement 2. Being given performative public instructions, like in charades (i.e. "do this, like this, and let others watch")
COPING SKILLS I CAN USE: 1. Going outside to breathe 2. Prayer/ Bible study 3. Listening to choral music 4. Writing 5. Translation work 6. Exercise, esp. running 7. Go for a walk in the woods 8. Look at childhood artwork 9. Go sit in the basement & calm down 10. Read a favorite book
(041719) I've gotta say this-- Aurel is so pretty. "Handsome" is a word I haven't quite defined but geez, what a look. I've found I gravitate towards that sort of look-- the graying hair, the lined face, the vertical-formed figure. Very much a softened edge, but steadfast look. Brian is real pretty too. He has these downward-turned eyes & a weathered look, and this small & thin but strong build. And he always wears tight but wrinkly jeans like a cowboy. I think that's the vibe I love about him-- it's a feeling of weariness after a long wandering, and a steadfast hope in the face of hard work and struggle, yet not in the same sense of "hard work" that a burly big guy carries (which I ALSO love to death). No, Brian's vibe is a sort of emotional labor, weirdly. Again, the cowboy feeling. He's not doing hard labor but he's still exerting physical strength, yet it's somehow outweighed by inner strength, evident in his lined face and tanned-tight skin and lean yet powerful yet oddly fragile build. I really like that look. Going back to Aurel, though, that's a different sort of vibe entirely-- that of age and grace and strength. Yes, we all fall apart when we get old, but right before that, some folks hold the aesthetic glory of elderhood with the remaining punch of youth and it's just fantastic. It's that same vertical stature as the "cowboy," but without the wildness or wandering or wistfulness. No, Aurel's vibe, the silver vibe, is what my boss Mr. Sandman exemplifies. It's this stunning sort of indomitable hope. It comes from living that long and seeing so much and knowing that whatever else life's got, God's grace will get you through, because you're almost at His gates anyhow!
(041719) Resist the lying siren songs!!
RITUALS= help willpower preservation! -Literally remove as many external obstacles as you wisely can ☆Intense "wants" are FIGHT OR FLIGHT response analogs!!! ☆Fatigue depletes self-control!! -Do the most important thing first in the mornings= highest energy ☆Small portions more often; energy rich foods! -Do one thing at a time! Systematic; patience. Break into doable steps. -"Work in sprints"; 90m cycle of effort then recharge. ☆YOU'RE USING RITUALS AS BREAKS BECAUSE YOU DON'T LET YOURSELF RECHARGE DURING WORK. You plow into it like a freight train and end up running off the tracks because you go for hours and end up utterly exhausted. So your brain is desperately clinging to food rituals JUST TO GIVE YOUR BRAIN A REST. ☆Resist temptation! "What do you stand for?" NON-NEGOTIABLE. Grounded in Core values.
MUSIC IS A GREAT MOTIVATOR! I keep wanting to apply music to self-analysis? Why do certain people like certain styles & genres? Why do certain moods vibe to the same styles/genres? What causes cognitive dissonance in this respect-- i.e., changing from major to minor, utilizing certain sounds & speeds, doesn't fit the music sometimes. Why?
"Be bamboo, not an oak-- you need to be able to bend when the storms hit"
Breathing= CREATIVE force; microcosm of birth/death ☆breath in STOMACH??? "bowels" in Bible?
DISCHARGE PLANS ☆We cannot have a "set schedule" at home-- we can only have GUIDELINES. Go with the flow! ☆Try to get 5 meals in a day, but SMALL. We have to make eating wise, healthy, habitual, & incidental. We cannot sacrifice our time & attention to overeating. We must practice frugality! ☆Establish a fluid "group" system-- a list of activities we can allot to freetime in an intuitive manner. And MAKE SURE IT IS ALL HEALTH-ORIENTED, as well as CHRIST-CENTERED. ☆DIE TO THE WORLD, BUDDY ☆DON'T DUMP YOUR TROUBLE ON THE FAMILY. They don't have the emotional capacity, mental resources, or professional resources to deal with it. Go to LAURIE and your docs/therapists, and GO TO GOD TOO. You need to be prudent about what load you give what people to carry. This is compassionate to all parties and will prevent frustration & despondency on all parts.
North Carolina= I failed myself.
"I don't have a problem with you-- I'm just having a problem handling your symptoms."
(041619) ☆Remember that I have CPTSD symptoms-- I experienced multiple, varied traumas over an extended period of time. This means that the triggers are also diverse, and unavoidable. Accept this inevitability. It is what it is. The past is set, but it can only affect us in the present, and so its effects are transmutable. Flashbacks and triggers WILL occur, but their root events aren't re-occuring. Yes, be wise and stay safe, but remember that memories are nonlethal and can be disarmed. Healing from PTSD does NOT mean trying to erase what is written. It means we stop rereading the same page. Yes, we may still revisit it at times, but if we remember that we are allowed to move on, we can. There's so much more story to be written.
☆As coping skills increase, so the risk of PTSD lessens, even if the risk of danger does not, and we MUST NOT IGNORE RISKS. There is no shame in being healthy, nor is there shame in being afraid-- fear exists as the most primitive & powerful voice on the side of survival. It can be irrational, it can be unreasonable, and it can be implacable, because it is hyperaware of risk, most notably where risk does not exist for others. But in every case, fear has the exact same incandescent goal: SURVIVE. This must be respected, but it must also be dealt with prudently. Blindly panicked survival does not think; it does not consider ANY CONSQUENCE besides the enduring of physical life. So those choices, although successful towards this singular end, may be ironically fatal to quality of life, as well as to one's health in nonphysical respects, to say the least. Coping skills are for TRIGGERS, not threats. If a legitimate threat to one's life exists, fear must be given a louder say, and healthy survival must be prioritized. Once safe, then coping skills can be utilized, and indeed must be, in order to minimize the risk of PTSD. Trauma can and will still occur, but we can preemptively enable ourselves to deal with its effects in a way that will ensure, to the best of our ability, both physical survival & mental health.
☆AFTERCARE is vital. A key is to remember what worked in HAVEN/UPMC and why. Those successful elements need to be identified and incorporated into our daily life, and most importantly, the core elements must be personal. Environments will change, and must change, therefore we must be prepared to face and cope with such inevitable changes by standing strong in our dedication to healthy behaviors and coping skills despite all external variation. Therefore those healthy methods must be rooted in something unchanging-- in God in our hearts. This is VITAL. God alone is unchanging and so He is the only viable anchor. God is also Love and Truth and Health-- all of those things we seek in our recovery. Even our own hearts can and do change. The skills we practice for healing are, by virtue of being healing-oriented, already anchored into the essence of God. This is true aftercare. No illness can prevail against it. Symptoms may indeed still continue, even until death, but God holds it all in His hands, while always seeking our highest Good. If and when we unite our efforts to His in that respect, proper aftercare is guaranteed.
☆COMPREHENSABILITY, SAFETY, SELF-ESTEEM: the three factors of life that are disturbed during TRAUMA.
Discipline vs abuse, in childcare= 1. Does the child comprehend what is occurring? Do they know why they are being disciplined? -Do they know what act is being reprimanded? Do they know why it deserves reprimand? 2. Does the child trust their disciplinarian? Is the child aware of their freedom to "escape"? -Are they free of harsh physical restraint? Are they in a public or open location? 3. Does the child retain a sense of worth? Are they aware that they are not defined by their error? -Are they assured of forgiveness? Are their apologies trusted & accepted? ☆IF THE CHILD FEELDS UNSAFE, WORTHLESS, AND/OR CONFUSED/UNCOMPREHENSIVE, TRAUMA MAY OCCUR!!! (AND IT SURE DID FOR US!!!)
COPING AT HOME. ☆Eat outside if you have to. Eat in the car if you have to. Get OUT of the high-stress environment EVERY time food is involved. ☆ Set a time limit for meals-- 45m. Make a tray, count the calories. Think like a videogame! If it's trackable, measure achievement. ☆ UTILIZE YOUR PHONE. Get numbers for docs, hospitals, crisis lines, social workers, etc. Get LOTS of coping apps that will keep your mindset health-focused. And keep up the Bible study CONSTANTLY. ☆HEADPHONES, esp. for mom & Chris. Keep earbuds on your person. ☆MAKE A SAFE SPACE! And it must be accessible SAFELY too. ☆RUN. ☆And get a BIKE! Walk the neighborhood too, within reason. ☆TALK TO LAURIE. She is as real as your heart. Do not forget her and her unfailing help through the years. ☆GO OUTSIDE. The world is so big & beautiful. ☆Pray ALWAYS. Set phone alarms for the Hours. Carry a rosary. Leave small reminders in unsafe/dangerous places-- prayer cards, holy statues, Scripture verses, little chaplets, etc. Keep lifting your heart & mind to higher things. This is a proven foolproof stabilization method.
PHYSICAL COPING! -BREATHE. -Let go of muscle tension-- tense & release one by one. -Run! -Lift weights then STRETCH. -Sing? Make a playlist. -Dance. Make a playlist! -Go outside and run through the WOODS. ♥ -Gardening! Maybe get your own plot?
☆DISTINCTION between HIGH-IMPACT (exercise, exertion, force) and LOW-IMPACT (dexterity, focus, finesse)
DIFFERENT TRIGGERS WILL REQUIRE DIFFERENT IMPACTS TO PROPERLY COPE!!!!
SAFE SPACES. ♥ -Clean out the bedroom closet if possible. -Get a pup tent; seriously! Set it up in the corner of the room if possible. -Find a spot in the basement if possible? ☆I NEED a place outside that I can get to safely. -The old chapel spot is semipublic but it's far enough away from the house to be a perfect recharge + distance spot. -THE RIVER?? Dude did you forget there is a LEGIT RIVER right down the hill?? It starts by Uncle Barney's house, runs through the pipeline, & continues alongside the road! That could be IDEAL. Let's explore it. - DIAMEW. I still want to build a chapel there. I should honestly try to.
"We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would haves us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enables us to match calamity with serenity."
"What causes fear?" (helplessness, the unknown? trauma. DISCUSS.)
☆I talk too much. (Channel this into public speaking?) I need to listen more & only say what is EDIFYING-- and don't be proud about it. Glory to God only & always. DON'T BABBLE. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."
☆"Introduce yourself to yourself again." -NO EXCEPTIONS. Be honest about all of it-- the negative & positive, the lovely & the ugly. Peel back all the layers. ☆How does Jesus see you? Remember, He loves you unconditionally BECAUSE HE KNOWS you unconditionally. Nothing is hidden from Him. His justice is AWARE. Pray for the grace to see yourself as He does-- all of the ugliness, but still with merciful love.
-Drink water! Set a timer on your phone! - Stick to your medical diet plan BUT don't be obsessive. Keep the UPMC vibe of liberated, grateful joy. - Stay Biblically busy! Use your recovered time well. - Journal daily, even if only for an hour. Set a scheduled time. - Exercise daily, but wisely. Don't overwork your healing body. - Get back into music. Buy one new piano book & learn it! - Language study daily-- quality, not quantity. Focus on the Polish books at first. - Put in a good word for Herb! - Start working on the League again-- but REBOOT it to its roots. That's where its beauty lies. Work with mom on it, too! - Plan for a marathon/ fun run. - Learn to sew. Make things for charity, too! - Medidate on virtues. Grow in Christ, and fix the DW! - Art? Don't bury the gift. Explore the calling! (Icons?) - Be more of a mental health advocate/activist, prudently. - Make a prayer bag/prayer list like grandma! ♥ - DAILY GOALS! Especially little steps that add up. It feeds hope! - FIX THE ARCHIVES. Faith and mental health. - Start studying movie & game OSTs again. - MUSIC PRODUCTION SOFTWARE. Ask Mike? - Keep working in physical tablets; the tangible aspect is beneficial for PTSD coping too! And it's a good, healthy ground into touchable reality, which I have admittedly been disconnected from due to dissociation and related trauma. - COMMUNITY. - Go back to building Leagueworlds? IF it feels right. The research is what I love-- aromachology comes to mind. Can I sanctify this? - CALLIGRAPHY! - Figure out what that Chinese stringed instrument that you love is and BUY ONE. Are there any local places that would sell such things?
(041419) First day at Haven. Full of hope & love & optimism for the future. Overflowing with love for my family & fellow patients. This is such a gift from God. THIS is the UPMC vibe that I was so afraid I'd lost in the TBAS disaster, God bless & heal them. But yes, this is it. It's just here. It's self-evident; it's true, it's genuine, it's rooted in faith and fierce compassion-- it cannot fade; it cannot be lost, because this is unquestionably from Christ and it is HIM in me, HIS Grace for His Glory through me, little weak struggling me, for testimony to His Great and Beautiful Love. And with Him, I'm not weak or struggling because His Power is working to perfection through it. That's the spectacular glorious paradox of God. He chooses the weak & lowly, the meek & vulnerable, the sick & feeble & suffering of the world to "bring to nothing" the proud & self-assured, those whose minds are focused on earth, whose thoughts are only on this life, whose hearts have no room for God, being choked with vanity. And I have been, and still can be, guilty of that, may the Lord have mercy on me a poor sinner. But He has, and does, and thi experience is proof-- because if I let Him humble me and lay me low, if I surrender in trust to His will, contritely confess my sins, and seek Him again, miracle of miracles, He receives me with open arms, draws me ever closer to His infinite Heart, and makes me into something greater than myself, greater than anything on earth… He makes me a witness to Him.
☆Bulimia relapse prevention ideas. - Reroute hunger & food fascination: remember UPMC "food painting" and apply that conceptually elsewhere. MAKE THINGS & SHARE/GIVE! - Smaller portions more often. Set a tentative schedule but PLAN FOR INTERRUPTIONS & TRAVEL. Make portable things ahead of time & buy portable food. - PORTION CONTROL. Buy small containers & get a LOCKBOX to prevent cheating. Emulate hospital exclusivity & limits! - Get a dietician/nutritionist! I need proper vitamins too! - Drink more water; fullness abates habitual hunger. - Remember my body NEEDS a light & cool diet in order to feel healthy! Hot, heavy, salty, savory foods make me ill. ☆Retake the Wizard's Oath (Duane) and LIVE BY IT. Protect & preserve God's Creation. Resist & oppose destruction & entropy. Live as an ambassador of Truth, Life, and Love, no matter what. This is your Ordeal!! Endure in faith until the end!
(041419) -EVERY suffering we endure can be united with Christ's Passion & crucifixion. I firmly believe this. ☆Religion CANNOT be a dead theory-- words and no heart. Christianity is about CHRIST, a living person, just like us all. ☆Catholicism seems to lend itself to this gorgeous sort of sight that allows ALL things to be brought into the faith practice? POTENTIALLY. This indeed is something I must write about because it is also a potential window to heresy & corruption if dealt with unwisely, or with a malformed conscience-- remember Paul's letters to the Corinthians. "All things are lawful BUT not all things are edifying!" This fact bust be discerned IN CHRIST with purity of heart intention. Our consciences will be our guide only if led by the Holy Spirit. Yes, all things are God's, BUT we still live in a fallen world and so we cannot ignorantly or foolishly try to "project" a Catholic stamp of approval onto a secular phenomenon if that very phenomenon is inherently, or overwhelmingly, anti-Christ. And this sort of evaluation must be KEENLY DISCERNING, leaving NO wiggle room for sin in ANY form-- no compromise, no moral relativity, no lukewarmness, no blind tolerance. We MUST walk the razor's edge & strive to enter through the narrow gate. "Only the pure of heart shall see God," and purity has unflinching criteria.
"Dream World" reboot notes! ☆NEW NAME. They're "virtue/conscience creatures" and they exist TO HELP HUMANITY, FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST. This truth must be reflected in everything about this reboot-- it must all aim to God. ☆ Parallels to Catholic beauty-- the Mass, Sacraments, Saints, Scripture, Tradition, Catechism, etc. Creatures are still conceptual? But born FOR & FROM these things, to inspire & inflame Divine Love. ☆ They exist to HELP humanity, not rule them! Think of Digimon. This is a mutual cooperation. CHRISTIANS NEED COMMUNITY and we must SERVE each other. This MUST be clearly portrayed in the intrinsic partnership dynamic. ☆ Religious atmosphere= churches/cathedrals of course but what about the old Pillars, the Pyramids, the Temples, etc.? Remember the faith is UNITED with NO warring sects or disagreeing beliefs. No heresies, apostasies, schisms, etc. Instead there are beautiful individualized expressions of the same heart, based on COLOR & ELEMENT. This is also affected greatly by ENVIRONMENT, in stunning ways-- some areas of worship being tied directly to unique characteristics, like volcanoes, waterfalls, glaciers, caves, cliffs, desert, etc. ☆ The core is CATHOLIC and this is the POINT. The DW creatures EXIST for the purpose of the faith, to accompany, assist, and inspire humans in their practice of it.
CPTSD "The worst has been avoided, even if the battle has not been completely won." ☆PHYSICAL COPING FIRST. Then thoughts. (SINGING, music) ☆"unfair/unjust" foxhole; family effect ☆GOD FORGIVES. research & study & pray about this. ☆"prosthetic leg" analogy: YOU CAN'T GROW IT BACK. think of Ed Elric. Think of AL. ☆Reliving trauma; CLOSURE seeking cycle. Did I write about this yet? (Addiction parallel?) ☆Flashbacks are PHYSICAL MEMORY.
-Identify triggers (physical). -Find a SAFE PLACE. BUILD one even. TANGIBLE!!! (GET A PUP TENT) -practice PHYSICAL coping skills: UNTENSE. release stress response. (heart rate, temperature, tension, hair raised, breathing, etc.) ☆LIST THESE SKILLS. THEY MUST BE ACCESSIBLE ANYWHERE. -"quick hypnosis"? visual color shock. - go to safe place, TRIGGER & COPE. teach closure & recovery. DEPOWER the trauma.
☆emotions are a SURVIVAL TACTIC. DO NOT ELIMINATE THEM!!! control your responses!! (f/f/f/)
"don't be afraid of the things that made you freeze in a way that makes the freezing less safe."
In triggers, ALL THE SENSES ARE EFFECTED. Pay close attention. DON'T RUN-- stay safe, but stay aware. If you cannot recognize the danger you can't protect yourself from it.
☆Traumatic events: defined as such by an inability to cope with and/or protect oneself in the event. Trauma is a personal phenomenon and so two different people can experience the same event with different responses-- one may be able to cope, but the other one may not be able, and this latter one may therefore experience this event as TRAUMA. This different response is entirely valid and must be respected. As a result of the individualized nature of trauma, coping skills-- although they all ultimately seek the same beneficial end-- will be similarly individualistic. What works for one person may be ineffective, perhaps even triggering, for another person, even if those two persons experienced the same traumatic event.
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