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Sep. 10th, 2020 06:58 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)
Thought #1:

My body/ sensory self is named Jessica and SHE NEEDS TO DIE SO SHE CAN BE RESURRECTED!!!

My "new self" in Christ is STILL named Jewel, because no matter what, God seems to be protecting and sanctifying that name for me.


Thought #2:

I have been judging my self worth, and the worth of my interactions and responses, by Whether or not they are ENTERTAINING.

It's my "spinel curse." She really is me. If I feel I cannot make someone smile or laugh or brighten by my presence alone, even-- if my existence fails to lighten the burden on someone else's heart, if my words fail to lift their spirit, if my actions fail to soothe their pain, then I feel my existence is utterly worthless and downright damnable.

Now this is a worthy aspiration, but the problem is that I GIVE IT NO BREAKS. I do not allow room for clumsiness or mistakes or poor judgment calls. I do not even allow space for expressing, let alone admitting, my own tears and pain and not-so-happy emotions. "But doctor, I AM Pagliacci." I'm always the clown, and although part of me does love it, I NEED to also be FULLY HUMAN and that means I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT. But... I DO always have to be a source of comfort. This is vital to my existence.

Yet the point still stands. I have NO tolerance for failure on my part, and that inevitable weakness therefore inevitably ends in self-destruction. Why am I so merciless in this respect? Am I just terrified at the very FACT of failure to do the most good? When does such moral perfectionism become egotism and pride? Where do I draw the line between power and powerlessness here-- between capacity and incapacity, between duty and disability? If we can only do good by Christ in us, does my lack of goodness mean He is NOT with me??

It's all too heavy, and scary, to untangle now. But here it is.

su thoughts

Sep. 6th, 2019 08:20 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


okay but im like IN LOVE WITH WHITE DIAMOND OKAY ;___________;

GHFSJHKJDS SHE'S LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOM



also whoopsy-daisy looks like I'm Spinel





Concerns about the SU "agenda" based on recent episodes + movie.

Mainly, family commentary.

-abusive vs loving = too much focus on lenience/tolerance?

-VILLIANIZING DISCIPLINE. Especially with how Pink was treated when she disobeyed, in light of my own childhood and how such discipline, for ME, was GENUINELY HELPFUL. See above point. Don't like the b&w "all rough discipline is bad" this show, and many people nowadays, are proclaiming. Want to talk about this more while respecting BOTH sides.

-Plus, the Diamonds are trying so hard to be better after literal EONS of unhealthy behavior, and the amount of progress they have made in two Earth years is STAGGERING and worthy of genuine praise BUT Steven is acting so fed up with them??? And I don't understand.
It's like, if your mom did a poor job of raising you, but then you had a kid and suddenly she has a SECOND CHANCE to right her wrongs and wants to absolutely fawn over your grandchild, but you get bitter and say "no I want nothing to do with you anymore"???? Like that's what it seems like Steven is doing to the Diamonds and that is utterly incomprehensible to me. I don't like his attitude at ALL in that respect and I definitely need to reflect on that more.






realizing "did I dump oliver like rose dumped spinel?"

i want to say "not literally, no." yes, I gave warnings, I said I could not stay forever, etc. but what I didn't realize was that oliver REFUSED to believe those truths were true. he didn't WANT them to be true, so he denied them. and when I finally acted on them and left, it was a shock.

but. the bottom line is: I am still at fault. I didn't have the guts to say it straight. I flat-out LIED TO HIS FACE when, the night I left, I said "I'd be back in about three months." I think I tossed in a few "probably"s and such, but still. I knew I was NOT coming back. I didn't want to. but I was too chicken to say so. I knew oliver would have been devastated, and would have probably refused to let me leave. and maybe so I thought my cowardice was merciful. I gave him false hope, but I figured, it was better than a solid "I'm leaving and never returning, I want to forget all this, goodbye, it's over for good."
i am entirely at fault. i left him with roses and didn't realize that i was still leaving him.


Still ABSOLUTELY STAGGERED by the fact that SPINEL IS LITERALLY LIKE MY GEMSONA PUT ON TV, WTF, I SUSPECTED THIS BUT NOT THAT ACCURATELY GEEZ


(left unfinished)

 

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