042419

[prismaticbleed]

I'm really, really depressed today. I'm having a religious-existential crisis again and I just want to cry. I'm scared. I want to die but I don't. I really need to type this out.

Since the disaster of NC, I've had a lot to think about, notably these things:
1. Realizing how easily I can pretend to be someone I'm not, to make someone else "happy."
2. Realizing that I am not transgendered, but my "alters" were.
...

I don’t hate TBAS. I love them, but their lifestyle is unhealthy for me, and living with them did not allow me to question or analyze myself in comparison to that.


Things that I constantly see on Tumblr that confuse and frighten me because I don't understand:
1. "Christian witches"
2. LGBTQIA+ individuals insisting that "Jesus was gay/ trans*/ etc." when I feel it is blasphemous to focus on His "sexual orientation"
3.




I'm afraid of sex. I admit that.
I do not want it. It is a frightening, painful thing.

I have no idea whether or not I'm "attracted" to anyone or if it's all societal programming.
I can say folks are "handsome" or "pretty" but the thought of marrying someone, having children with them, etc. is terrifying to me still. I love people, but that sort of sexual relationship is alien to me.

I don't know what happened to my relationship with Chaos Zero.
I want to weep just typing that. (I am. Two seconds and I'm in heartrending tears.)
I still dream about him, all the time.

I gave my plush doll of him to TBAS and I waited on that for weeks because I couldn't bear to let go of it. But my heart said, "don't become attached to material things. Don't focus your love on an object, for anyone or anything. Love in spirit, the way God wants you to love Him, and all things." In other words, "Love the person in the photograph so truly that if the photo was burned you would not cry."

I'm still weeping.
I haven't spoken much to anyone "in headspace" since moving back out here, because I realized too late that the way we were functioning in NC was utterly contrary to our mode of existence. We were NEVER MEANT TO FRONT. And we were NEVER MEANT TO BE "HUMAN." We were never meant to "live as individuals" outside of our soul and the fact that we felt obligated to for over a year basically murdered us.

Which reminds me. One of the few things I remember reading on TBAS's journal recently-- as I did log on a few times to check on them-- was them having a sort of personal "epiphany" that I, as the Lotus Cathedral, was "not special" as a System-- that Lynne was "just an orange girl," that Laurie was "just a punk-type person," etc.
And… when I read that, I literally laughed out loud, and cried with relief.
If THAT is how they saw us, then THEY NEVER KNEW US AT ALL.
That… that's such a blatantly absolute misunderstanding of our System's very HEART. Lynne was NEVER a "girl who liked violins"-- she was a personification of femininity and our lost future AS a woman who was expected to be a musician. She was NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE "A GIRL." Similarly, Laurie was NEVER just someone "who liked axes"-- she was a personification of our love=pain complex and she carried that heavy weapon to BEHEAD US for our sins. Lynne became orange as her role became more joyful, and Laurie became purple as her role became less bitter. EVERYTHING ABOUT US IS SPIRITUAL and the very thought that we were, at any time, even able to live as "physical people" is actually personally nauseating because it stands in such total opposition to our purpose. And to realize, suddenly, that TBAS never realized that, that they wanted us to "live as a System" in the way THEY did, in the world… suddenly we understood why they treated us so bizarrely according to our criteria, why we never truly got along deep down, why we never truly saw eye to eye-- and why we had to DEVELOP SOCIALS TO PLAY THOSE ROLES WHILE WE WERE IN NC. We wondered for ages why the Socials suddenly became the main folks fronting-- but we never realized that it was because ONLY SOCIALS ARE EVEN SUPPOSED TO FRONT, and if TBAS was expecting us to "live OUTWARDLY as a multiple," then it was literally inevitable that ONLY THE SOCIALS COULD DO THAT.
So we broke. We were no longer able to live inside, to live as us, and we became something totally new and unhealthy and thankfully temporary in order to fit TBAS's criteria instead. I see that now, and it allows me to-- at the most general level, but nevertheless-- forgive us both for our absolutely blind and ignorant and blind and appeasing and insincere behavior, because neither of us even realized who the other person WAS.
So I can let go of that totally now, again, bit by bit, because I can see that whoever I was with TBAS was not the true me and I never knew the true them, either, as a result. The key to forgiveness is Christ's prayer-- "for they know not what they do"-- and truly, we didn't. So that moves me to sad compassion, and motivates me to never repeat that mistake of ignorance in the future. May I have the grace to see when I am committing such huge wrongs in blindness, so that I may STOP and AMEND my life immediately.


Oh, by the way. TBAS also, at some point, made a comment that we were "like Justice" (the Jewel Monster) but we only read like, one line into that sentence, because similarly to the above, as soon as we began to read their explanation it hit us like a truck that THEY HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE SAYING. And I laughed because oh my gosh THEY NEVER KNEW THE FULL STORY. They never knew!! No wonder every time "Revenge" came out in their System our stomach turned and we felt like angrily sobbing-- it's because he was born from a COMPLETELY FALSE IDEA OF NOT ONLY HIS PERSON, BUT HIS HISTORY.
The file that TBAS latched onto about him was written by a hacker for the EXPLICIT PURPOSE OF SKEWING THEIR RELATIONSHIP so that hackers could make us think that ALL relationships were sexual. They did this with LOTS of Leagueworlds at the time, and we have since purged ALL of that terrifying slander, including that DW file that, for unknown reasons, was kept.
But not only that, TBAS had no idea how the original Justice/Revenge event ENDED. I saw it all at once in 2005 while listening to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, and it basically went like this… Justice had an "alter ego" named Revenge that was born as a result of his being exposed to the corrupt "justice" in the human world, which he had entered AS A PROPHET
to try and call people to repentance, a la the Bible. But Justice got confused and corrupted in the process because he ISOLATED himself there, gradually starving off his roots to his World, and messing him up in the same way any Christian would be messed up if they stopped going to Mass. Anyway, Devonexx-- the Dream World version of Satan-- was also visiting the human world to try and do the opposite of Justice-- trying to corrupt people's minds and kill those who opposed him and all sorts of awful things-- and in that process he found Justice, who was now emitting a dual Virtue/Vice signature as he corrupted, but this duality is a RARE and DANGEROUS occurrence in a Jewel Monster because as long as it is dual, SO IS THEIR SELF. So he found Justice, and cruelly "overloaded" him with Vicious energy (which is a thing you can do in canon), to try and force him "over the fence" and lock his signature into a Vice. WHICH HE SUCCEEDED IN DOING-- and there was Revenge. HOWEVER. Such an awful event could not happen without the DW Guardians finding out, so the WHOLE GANG was there trying to stop him-- and so was Jewel Lightraye with the FIRST SYSTEM OUTSPACERS-- Bakura and Marik. SERIOUSLY. So when Justice became Revenge, they ALL tried to talk him out of it, by attesting to virtue and light and love and truth, but REVENGE WOULDN'T LISTEN. Remember he was a CORRUPTION OF JUSTICE so his entire mindset is based upon mangling the truth. His existence was born of a hopeless frustrated fear of seeing such evil in the world and wondering "why do the good suffer from such evil" WITHOUT FAITH IN GOD'S JUSTICE AND MERCY. As a result Justice got pushed into the vice of despair, and despair led to self-hatred, and self-hatred led to rage, and rage led to vengeance, and suddenly this force for equity and righteousness became a force for destroying "hopelessly" sinful people instead of patiently, sacrificially helping them convert. And of COURSE Devonexx wanted to take advantage of this. But Revenge REFUSED. He was still a CORRUPTION of a Virtue, not a born Vice, and so he saw no fellowship with a being who wanted to kill for the sake of malice. No, Revenge was twisted enough to want to kill "because they brought that judgment upon themselves." And he HATED HIMSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY. He had been pushed out of faith into fear and now he convinced himself he had no choice but this awful role-- BUT! NOW THE GUARDIANS ARE HERE! And they all FOUGHT him with everything they were, the whole time NOT HURTING HIM, but trying to show him as much of THEIR faith and hope and love and mercy and patience and forgiveness as possible, trying to push him BACK into virtue, trying to clarify to him what Justice truly was-- and guess what? IT WORKED. At the end of the battle, when EVERYONE BUT REVENGE AND DEVONEXX WAS DOWN FOR THE COUNT, and it looked like evil had won, Revenge realized that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, and he REVERTED. Yes, that was never written down, but JUSTICE RETURNED TO HIMSELF. And then do you know what he did?
HE KICKED THE DEVIL'S BUTT.
I am serious. I remember writing down that "Justice is the most powerful Jewel Monster in existence" BECAUSE of this-- because when he came to his senses, he turned and looked at Devonexx with a burning desire to do good and atone for his sins at any cost, and used an ability which he called "Prayer of Martyrdom"-- a massive outpouring of virtuous energy that was so intense that it basically would kill him. But Justice decided that it was worth it. So yeah, not only did this Prayer revive the Guardians through its immense Good, but it knocked Devonexx into submission, which NO ONE HAD EVER DONE BEFORE IN ALL OF DREAM WORLD HISTORY (then and now). When the smoke cleared, Devonexx dragged himself back to the Nightmare World where he spent months in recovery, and Justice himself fell to the ground, literally breathing his last. But Maitru was there, and as the Guardian of Love, she was NOT gonna let that happen, so she dragged him back to the Dream World where he spent months in recovery, haha.
But yeah. TBAS never knew the full story and even though the plot did change in recent years, the changes were never fully written down, which is something I don't think TBAS EVER realized. Honestly, like… I'd be surprised if 50% of ALL Leagueworld info was written down. The vast majority of it is in my heart and in my head alone. But yeah, this, too, showed me that TBAS never knew the truth, from no active fault of their own, and so I forgive them for their blatant misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which made me sick and scared and sad for many many months, because I, too, didn't understand that they were working from a foundation of falsehood. Which, in a way, is entirely my fault, for not standing up FOR the truth and informing them of it. The problem is I don't know how aware I was OF that false foundation back then, with how I constantly flailed to "make them happy at any cost to myself", let alone how willing I'd be TO "shatter their introject's very roots" as a result. I know we did effectively TRY to in the beach house, and the absolute "I cannot live like this anymore" despair that wracked our bones in that duvet bed still hurts. But it's forgiven. I don't remember any details, or words, or outcomes, or instigations. All I know is that it's over and now I can see why it happened at all and I can, with a relieved smile and forgiving laugh, wash that pain away. Consider it absolved, by the grace of God, even if it still stings a little, like a bruise. Don't bump it, then, and it will heal, I promise. We're all getting our hearts bandaged up today.

But yeah. More than anything, my time with TBAS showed me what I am not, as opposed to what they thought I was. And that was a SCARY revelation, but it was VITAL. It shook me up so badly, that it took months to fully face it, and then months to fully accept it, and then months to fully act on it… I'm still learning and growing, and I do deeply regret most of what I said and did out there, in my absolute dizzied ignorance and kowtowing. But like I said, I, too, had my foundation revealed as utterly false-- and now I can put Christ into that cornerstone position for good, pun intended. I don't think He ever was before, which is scary. And yet, would I have ever realized THAT if I hadn't been utterly broken down and shaken up and ruined and ravaged and humiliated and humbled by my time in NC? Probably not! It had its purpose, and now I can rebuild, slowly, just like Notre Dame after the fire. Just like it.


---


We needed a System reset for years and we got the biggest one imaginable.
Everything is dead. Everything is razed to the ground, burned flat and blacked-out, annihilated to the last speck. Except Laurie's still here. Except I saw Knife the other day. Except Genesis ghosted twice within the past two months or so. Except I can still feel their hearts, weak but real, distant but extant, even now.

Except I don't want to be "multiple" in the way TBAS was "multiple" anymore.

I want it all to go back to the way it was in high school, and college-- just me out front, and everyone else helping inside.
There were too many of us. We got too tangled-up in trauma and fractured beyond function.

Now what?

Can I be a good Catholic, devoted to Christ and His Gospel, and be multiple?

Can I be in aching, ardent, abiding love with a fictional character and still be a good Catholic?

What if part of my soul is queer, and transgender, and all those other things that "go against nature?" What if my soul used to be broken into hundreds of pieces and all those pieces loved each other and sought their common highest good at any cost, no matter how much pain we had to struggle through, no matter how long
it took or how many times we fell disastrously and had to drag ourselves back up through the mud again?

I don't know what to do.

I think I was living a better Catholic life when I was multiple than I am now.
That's the long and short of it.

Whatever we became in North Carolina was shockingly toxic and it was NOT the real us.
Whatever we became as a result of hyperfocus on trauma exposure therapy was disgustingly self-annihilatory and it is NOT the real us.
The latter defined the former and I want to avoid that ever happening again.




I wept earlier, in the bathroom, drying my hair and looking at my sunken cheeks, over how much I missed the ocean, and how bitter I surprisingly was over how my beach trip in SC last year was "hijacked" by dishonesty and circumstance.
Because of TBAS's unfortunately controlling love at the time, I could not let go and live; I could not enjoy my time there, could not just be, could not relax and drink it all in… except for that one afternoon, that one blessed afternoon, lying alone on the beach, smelling the salt air and writing in that aqua notebook, the sun caressing my back. That one experience, that sacred time, is what I miss, and what I yearn to re-experience.

...



I'm typing in old Leagueworld notes into my computer and, just like it's been for years, the process is deeply depressing. I know why, now-- in most of it, there's no focus on God. There's no center in Christ. Yes, every Leagueworld does have religious tones and roots, but it became so garbled and miscommunicated over time, that it was no longer fitting to be considered good Catholic media. THAT is why I began to "hate my creative work"-- because my soul recognized that what I was creating was EMPTY and ultimately PURPOSELESS. This is also why I got cripplingly depressed in NC whenever I attempted to work on the League-- because TBAS didn't want to acknowledge the ancient fact that even when it fell short, it was all SUPPOSED to focus on CHRIST OUR GOD.
So I'm restoring that, unflinchingly and obviously. For some Worlds, it's wonderfully easy-- like Dream World and Hokthai-- but others, like Oneircia, Mage Angels, and Voltage, got their inherent and integral religious content corrupted by new-age sources and confusion and misinformation. Others, like Puppetstrings and E*Girls, were always so stuck in magic-related ideas that they never spoke to Christianity and that NEEDS to change. So I'm working on that now and I have total faith that it will restore my joy in these Worlds I've been blessed to have created through the grace of Christ sharing His creative powers through me-- for HIS SAKE!! That's the ultimate reminder. It is ALL FOR HIM, or it is all for nothing.

...


I'm also disturbed by how much psychological & spiritual disease is apparent in these old writings, speaking volumes as to my current struggles and my old sins.
For example, Parnassus is a rape nightmare at its very core, or at least, it was. And a lot of character personality notes-- liars, thieves, manipulators, sociopaths, strategizers, philosophers, you name it-- say a lot about the ugly sides of my personality as well, frighteningly so as most of this is from when I was like 14, 15. And believe me, I know how much evil was swarming in me then. Look at the roots of the System.
So this requires a lot of humility and self-inspection, to review. It's making me feel the need to take a "merciless moral inventory" and see just how much of this is still lurking in me actively, and how much has been crucified with Christ. Yes, it's a daily struggle against sin and will be until I die, but it's deeply reassuring to see how many of these points have been "dormant" for years, and by the grace of God will remain so.

And I wonder how much of that got into the System. Remember how, years ago, I was considering making a list of "League/System Character Archetypes" because the same personality "cores" seemed to keep repeating, especially within the same colors? Like Laurie and Picayune and Monika (all Indigo at the time), like Waldorf and Preludove and Hosanna (all Blue), like Lynne and Pagotamiar and Psyche (all Orange)? And even the color shifts speak to this- like how Laurie is now brilliantly Purple, and resonates now with Bastion and Psyquatro and Emepsyche in that regard. It's all being drawn from my soul, ultimately, by God. And so I'd like to review this deeper, and see how many attributes do indeed echo across it all, to gain a clearer view of my self, for that is truly what I am looking into, as into a mirror… and to then see how much of that reflection needs to be cleaned up, so it reflects Christ more.

That fact is also what was the finalizing factor in my "integrating" most of my multiplicity after returning home to PA last October. If those hundreds of alters, splinters and introjects and all, are ultimately part of me, then why in the world would I want to exist in such a fragmented sense anymore?
Living with TBAS and seeing that fragmentation firsthand was the strongest factor in that decision, though, I have to admit. Seeing it firsthand showed me, beyond all doubt, just how unhealthy it was. Seeing them displaying their symptoms convinced me that I never wanted to live like that again if I could help it. This is not to say that all of their condition is harmful-- they, too, had many benevolent alters-- but at its roots, their multiplicity was just as traumatized and ill as mine was, and living with that on both sides of my eyeballs for a year was almost more than I could bear. My multiplicity symptoms became less and less as time went on, and I became less and less willing to enforce and exaggerate them for TBAS's "entertainment", or rather, to match the "image" they had of me as someone who was "inherently" multiple, according to THEIR experience of it. That sudden breakage in function is what destroyed my System, and ironically, is also what freed me from its gilded chains. I cut off contact with TBAS in October and at the same time I cut myself off from that jail of a past, to stumble painfully but hopefully into a new future as a single person, as the girl God created, learning how to live at last.

So that's where I am now.
I don't have all the answers-- heck, I don't feel like I have any right now.
God does, but He doesn't hand them out easily. Divine Silence is a thing, as is Divine Mystery, and walking by Faith instead of sight. Above and within it all is Divine Love. Paradoxically, beautifully, that is the answer. If I strive to walk in His Love, then I don't need literal language answers-- Love IS the answer. (Thanks Todd Rundgren.)

And that brings us back to square one.

The Blood Lotus Cathedral was built to love. Yes, even though it had ugly trauma roots and branches, at the end of the day, we were always just trying so hard to love.
But our love had the WRONG ORIGIN AND END. I see that now. If Love isn't both FROM AND FOR GOD, then it's not really love. That is a hard pill to swallow but it is life-saving medicine.




...
I have to revisit the gender topic again, briefly.

I have "misgendered" people in this journal in the past, meaning that I referred to them with pronouns that match their birth sex, whereas they insisted I do otherwise.
I cannot, in good conscience, do this. I don't understand sex and gender very well at all, and I want to write about that more, but the bottom line is that I strongly believe that biological sex and gendered pronouns should be analogous. Intersex people are the obvious exception to this rule, and Judaism itself speaks of this in the Talmud, but I do not have that education so I cannot elaborate on it here. However, biology does seem to have the strongest say as to pronouns in most cases. And I agree with that, because I believe that although God Himself transcends gender, the binary nature of gender is intrinsic to Creation and is VITAL to it, as it is the basis of creative unity. Chromosomal errors that result in intersex conditions are a symptom of imperfection in fallen nature BUT it's just an error, not a condemnation. It happens, in humans and butterflies and cardinals too. It happens, but in the Book of Genesis we see how the original plan of Creation was-- clear differentiation between two complimentary sexes.
Again, God is both above and within all this. We call Him our "Father" because that is the role He took to our ancestors, although He also refers to Himself in feminine terms and motherly analogies, because that is just as true and accurate! God is our Mother as well as our Father. Legal gender influenced the male pronouns throughout history, I would believe, but that does not nullify the all-encompassing nature of God-- and the fact that He/She/Xe/They/etc. are the very Source and Definition of Love, no matter what, and therefore love us no matter what. This does not mean that God approves of transgenderism, though, in the case of someone denying their birth sex based on personal preferenece or feelings.

And yes, Jesus does speak of "eunuchs" in Matthew 19, but IN THE CONTEXT OF CHASTITY AND CELIBACY.

(Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”)

"It is better not to marry" followed by a discussion of eunuchs STRONGLY implies that those who do not adhere to the binary-- those "born that way," as intersex, and those "made that way" through genital manipulation-- are GROUPED with those "who choose [to live as eunuchs]," such as vowed celibates, and ALL THESE PEOPLE SHOULD STAY UNMARRIED AND CHASTE. So in my understanding, if you are born with OR 'develop' a mental state where you are unable or unwilling to match the sexual binary, then you should NOT DO SEXUAL THINGS because SEX REQUIRES THE BINARY. Simple as that.

As for pronouns, I feel that if one is willing to humble themselves enough to practice this gift of celibacy, however challenging it may be, then they should be equally humble enough to use, or at least accept, the pronouns that fit their legal gender. We should avoid all possibilities of scandalizing others, such as crossdressing, and I think pronouns fall very obviously into this. Humans struggle with sexual sin. We must be careful to respect the souls of others by not setting up obstacles and pitfalls for them through our treatment of sexuality, however "innocent" we may feel our intentions are.

But back to the beginning. Because of this I refuse to call someone by pronouns other than those that match their biology, if it is known. This should not be an issue if our culture respected societal gender roles more clearly, which it does not. To quote Pope Francis, "biological sex and the socio-cultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated." We should always respect this connection.
And honestly, if it's difficult for a person to respect this, isn't that a cross? Isn't that a sin that we need to die to, to crucify so we can be reborn in Christ? Isn't disrespect, and disobedience, and all other sorts of contention, inherently sinful, as it does not rest in faith and humility? If someone feels socially male but was born a woman, wouldn't their cross be to accept their birth sex and pray for the grace to live according to it, OR to "choose to live as a eunuch," as Christ Himself offered as an option? That's what I'm doing. I was born female, but I know that I cannot properly act as a wife, and I have prayed EXTENSIVELY about this. I choose to be a eunuch for Christ, living an unmarried chaste life, while respecting my societal duties as a female, and always humbly adhering to them when I am aware of them (especially in dress).

I will admit, I sinned horribly against this in the past, by NOT respecting sex and gender and chastity and humility. I must admit this openly as it is very very hard to forgive myself some days, as I "should have known better." And indeed I should have, but I didn't. I was lost, I was confused, I was ignorant, I was out of my mind, I was shoving every ounce of my personality and morality under the rug for the sake of "tolerance" and "people-pleasing" and "healing." Unfortunately, no labels will ever make a sin not a sin. And the consequences will ALWAYS speak loudly and unquestionably to that fact, which they did.

Homosexual behavior is always sinful, EVEN if motivated by "love," because homosexual behavior disrespects the role of sexuality in creation and therefore it DOES NOT LOVE GOD. So no matter how much you may love another person, choosing to give into lust "for love" IS ALWAYS SINFUL. Lust is a deadly sin, no matter what your sexuality is, and EVERYONE should be diligent in rooting it out. This carries heavier weight for homosexual individuals because, in choosing to act upon that disordered inclination, they are refusing to keep lust in check. Love can be expressed ENTIRELY WITHOUT SEX, and the simple fact that anyone, straight or gay or otherwise, would refuse to accept that fact in all battles against lust, shows that they are still a slave to their flesh. Just because you identify as homosexual, you don't need to act upon it. Same thing with all other abnormalities of sexuality. Just don't do it. Pray for the grace. Love still exists, and Love will help you.


Back to this topic.
I'm a "she" but I used to be part of a "they" which also included "he" and "it" and "xe" and other such messes of gender nonconformity. And I need to look at that, seriously so. As a woman, what does it say, for part of my mind to have previously split into identities of differing gender? I can answer that-- it was because I rejected my biology and societal role at an early age, proudly and ignorantly and unwisely and foolishly, but I did. So in a mess, my mind missed the easy fix, and instead formed a muddle of genders that were all so loosely defined and fluid and overlapping that they effectively deleted the very meaning and significance of gender itself-- which, effectively, was also the case, as we all identified as "genderless" in the end, regardless of pronouns. But ironically, THAT TESTIFIED TO THE TRUTH. Because in the end we ALL could narrow it down to the binary, one way or another. And it's such a relief. There are no more mental gymnastics in an effort to justify some rebellious idea. We have peace, now. Our hearts are simple.

Again, though, our System needs to heal still, even if only in "hindsight"-- I don't know if we do or can still exist as multiple, but I can at least analyze the gender aspect of it now and heal the mutations. But that's for another entry.

The one point I keep getting dragged back to, what with the whole gender & sexuality issue, is unavoidably, my 15-year several-self relationship with Chaos Zero.

...


(left unfinished)