091219

[prismaticbleed]

All entries past this point are backdated, uploaded from archived entries from previous journals.

All uploads will be accompanied by relevant commentary, for the sake of clarification and psychotherapy discussion.

Not all previous entries will be uploaded.
Not all uploaded entries will be uploaded in their original entirety.

I will strive to upload all entries that were written in heartfelt, beneficial sincerity.

Inappropriate, scandalous, profane, and otherwise harmful content will be censored, albeit not denied, for the sake of sincerity.

Ultimately, this journal is indeed a relic-- a relinquishment of the past, a dying to a life that was killing me, a moving on from broken patterns and delusions.

God has given me another merciful chance at life, and in profound gratitude, I will accept it wholeheartedly. But in order to do so, I must let go of this old death.

May God bless and guide my efforts here, and lead me on in faith to forgiveness and freedom.

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Current objectives:

1. Remember what happened between June 2017 and October 2018.

2. Clarify trauma memories of this time period, notably through correcting "hidden" information in entries, i.e. data withheld to make entries more "acceptable" and/or "conforming to expectations" of readers at the time they were originally written.

3. Process the inevitably suppressed/denied emotions tied to these incompletely/incorrectly recorded events.

4. Mark these topics to discuss in therapy.

Current big questions:

1. Why did I think my home life was so bad, post-UPMC? Was that gaslighting by online and/or medical folks?

2. Why did I never stand up for my own needs in toxic friendships? Was I that afraid of being abandoned?