COMMENT.

[prismaticbleed]

alter entry. YEAH WE'RE NOT DEAD.



AND HEY GUESS WHAT I'M FINALLY GONNA COMMENT ON THIS.

 

 

from february 8th, 2019, "TBAS" online entry.

apparently we saved it to our computer because it hurt like hell and left it untouched.

well GOD KNOWS I WISH WE HAD BEEN LEFT UNTOUCHED, but that's the very reason why I'm about to spit bitter vitriol all over this garbage heap. so let's go.

 

"LC deleted their spotify account. Was wondering if they would."

YEAH BECAUSE IT WAS FULL OF VERY BAD MEMORIES, most notably ALL THE GARBAGE WE SHOVED IN THERE "OBLIGATORILY" BECAUSE OF YOU.
it hurts so much to hear this said so casually. like mel when we were suicidal. "yeah we expected this, ho hum, life goes on." not realizing what such a huge deletion entails. no concern, no compassion. just "eh, it was bound to happen."

"Shame because they had hundreds of playlists, stuff for every single System member, but we saw this coming months ago and saved every one that was personally meaningful to us, so they’re all still there in our account."

THE SHEER ARROGANCE OF THAT STATEMENT HAS ME SEEING RED
OH YEAH WE ONLY SAVED WHAT WAS MEANINGFUL TO US!!! NEVERMIND THE ACTUAL SOULS THAT INSPIRED THESE LISTS, NEVERMIND WHAT IT MEANT TO THEM, TO THEIR HEARTS, NOPE!!!!! WE;RE BLINDLY SAVING IT AND STICKING OUR OWN LABEL OVER IT, ERASING ALL ITS ORIGINAL MEANING, JUST LIKE YOU NEVER EXISTED, GOOD RIDDANCE !!!

THAT RIGHT THERE IS SOLID PROOF THAT THIS WAS ONLY EVER ABOUT YOU!!!!!

(why am I so angry)

this was only ever about you. I see that now. you only cared about your OWN personal relevance, not ours, because that's all that mattered to you, and that's why WE mangled our OWN musical preferences to ENTERTAIN YOU.

just so you could shrug "oh well" when we disappeared and keep everything that pleased you.

"Still with our own art as their icon. They’ll probably never use that one again, will they."

No! We won't! AND I HOPE YOU REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ACTUALLY FURIOUS AT THAT ARTWORK (even though we (cowards) never said so for courtesy's sake) BECAUSE YOU UTTERLY DISREGARDED HOW WE ACTUALLY LOOKED, AGAIN, FOR YOUR OWN TWISTED PLEASURE. "artistic liberty" DON'T GIVE ME THAT JUNK. we were just so fawningly thrilled to have someone draw us that we didn't DARE speak up that IT DIDN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE US. "take what you can get," even if it's not anything you need. even if it's no good for you. like drinking vinegar when you're dehydrated. like gorging on paper when you're starving to death, because someone sprinkled sugar on it. that was our whole life with you. it hurts so much to admit now, when the coast is clear, and we're no longer in danger. but we were drinking your saccharine toxins for too long.

"It’s just sad. Literally all they have left, I’m pretty sure, is their Aywas account. They have had that one since 2010 and I doubt they’ll delete it even now."

YOU UNDERESTIMATE OUR DETERMINATION TO ANNIHILATE ALL THE TRACES OF THIS HELL.
also, WHAT KIND OF GALL IS THAT, TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW WE'LL ACT?????
it's just like slc. just like it. "ONLY WE know the REAL you!!!!" "so let US dictate your life" basically. what is WRONG with you, what is wrong with US that we BELIEVED YOU and FELL FOR IT????

 

"Just, what’s the point of deleting everything?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? WHY DOES ANYONE FORGET ANYTHING? WHY DO PEOPLE DISSOCIATE? WHY DO I HAVE A DISASTROUS MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE, ARE YOU THAT BLINDLY IGNORANT?????????

"We can guess, paranoia"

...looks like the answer is yes. i'm stunned.

honestly, you're projecting. hard. we're not paranoid, otherwise we wouldn't be keeping everything open and candid and public for years.

NO, WE'RE ASHAMED OF WHAT WE DID AND LET HAPPEN WHILE LIVING WITH YOU, AND WE WANT THAT HORROR ERASED.

as for everything in the past, well… it all led to you. it was all garbage, in our eyes, all the delusions and selfish rambling and lies and heresies and nonsense. yes there was some gold in there. but I will never leave that out again for someone like you to rifle through and pickpocket at your own pleasure. go jump in a bloody lake. we erased everything because it was worth sacrificing the small good for the sake of protecting the huge good. it was worth deleting everything that could cause even more trauma, for the sake of protecting our personal history for our own sake alone.

"hyperreligiousness turning everything else into something that’s keeping you from doing your religion properly, etc..."

THIS, THIS RIGHT HERE, IS THE ONE THING ABOUT YOU THAT INFURIATES ME THE MOST.

the instant I did something that you didn't like, the response i'd get-- outright or with silent subtlety- was always, "OH IT'S YOUR RELIGION AGAIN."
STOP ACTING LIKE OUR RELIGION WAS THE SOURCE OF OUR PROBLEMS, YOU PAGAN HYPOCRITE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T OUR "IDOL" DIDN'T MEAN EVERY OTHER "GOD" WAS A CURSE.

"abrahamic religion is really good at turning anything it wants into something that’s “against god”. Anything."

SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEVER EXAMINED YOUR CORRODED CONSCIENCE.

"anything it wants." good lord. you are so completely deluded. so oblivious and thoughtless and foolish.

imagine this, that when we went home and took a GOOD HARD SANE CONSCIOUS LOOK at ALL THE WHITEWASHED-TOMB TRAUMA WE WENT THROUGH WITH YOU, FOR YOU, ABOUT YOU, ETC… we realized that YEAH, IT WAS ALL AGAINST GOD!!!

oh, no, you can't have that! you can't possibly be responsible in any way, for anything but the most wonderful results!! everything you do is pure and perfect and pleasant!! no, it "must just be your religion making 'what it wants into a sin'!!!!"

you know what the REAL reason is?

A HELL OF A LOT OF THINGS IN THIS WORLD ARE AGAINST GOD.

AND I TRAGICALLY COULDN'T SEE THAT WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH YOU BECAUSE IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE LITERALLY BAILED WITHIN FIVE SCREAMING SECONDS OF WALKING IN YOUR FRONT DOOR.

DON'T THINK YOU KNOW HOW WE WOULD ACT. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW OUR THOUGHTS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE WORST OF IT BECAUSE WE NEVER WROTE IT DOWN, FOR FEAR OF YOU.
 

"But really… would we be happier if they were still posting every single day about how much they hated us? No. We’re left in peace. We would be incapable of not reading their journal if they still posted every day like they used to."

I find this sadly ironic. "We're at peace!!!!" YEAH, AND THAT'S NOT ALWAYS A GOOD THING.

We, also, kept visiting your journal periodically, to see what you wrote about us. But now that we can't, are we at peace? Are we happier? NO, HECK NO, BECAUSE NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION SO WE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOMEHOW FIX THIS.

Sounds like you didn't ever care about fixing ANYTHING.

"For a while they were just blaming us for everything wrong in their life, having nightmares about us every single night, and with good ol’ oneirataxia, unable to tell that the nightmares weren’t actually the truth of what happened with us. Or rather, blaming “NC”. But clearly blaming us for bringing them there. Ya know."

Listen, if you can't see how you blithely manipulated an emotionally fragile, people-pleasing, identity-shifting traumatized deluded idiot from Pennsylvania into BEING SO FRANTICALLY DESPERATE TO "BE YOUR FRIEND" THAT I WAS WILLING TO SAW MY OWN RIGHT ARM OFF AND FLY OUT TO NC JUST TO "PROVE I WAS NICE AND CARED ABOUT YOU" then you are even more deluded than I am.

"Blaming us for everything wrong in their life." Now that's hyperbole at its worst. You're not the cause of our sexual trauma, our eating disorder, our flashbacks, our dissociation, etc… BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU SURE AS HELL MADE IT A HELL OF A LOT WORSE.

So no, we're not shoving the blame onto you. We're CALLING YOU OUT FOR BEING DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR SEVERELY EXACERBATING EXISTING PROBLEMS, WHICH-- AND GET THIS-- YOU EXPLICITLY KNEW ABOUT THE ENTIRE TIME.

Oh, and absolutely pull the "you don't know what's really real!!!!" gasoline-fire card on us again, go right ahead!!!

WE KNOW THE NIGHTMARES AREN'T LITERALLY REAL, YOU BUFFOON. BUT GUESS WHAT??? WE ONLY HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS BECAUSE THERE WERE CERTAIN HORRIBLE THINGS THAT INEVITABLY GAVE US NIGHTMARES.

I am literally enraged at your willful ignorance here. "Good ol' oneirataxia" SHOVE OFF. You self-focused stooge.

What were our nightmares about? 1. Being stuck in NC and not being able to go home, which, like it or not, buddy, was the actual awful truth. Just because we were too fatally good at hiding our feelings UNTIL you went to work (at which point we unraveled into suicidal hell for twelve godforsaken hours) doesn't mean we WEREN'T ACTUALLY FEELING THOSE THINGS.

2. Sexual trauma. Oh we know you didn't "rape us." Those nightmares are very different. HOWEVER. You sure as hell passively but insistently coerced us into rewriting our entire wreck of a personality TO APPEASE YOUR DESIRES because "I love you!!!!" (no you don't, not if that is how you see "love") you and that hellish fine print, "I have sex with the people I love!!!!!" YOU ONLY EVER WANTED TO F*CK US AND IT SENT US STRAIGHT TO HELL. WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN NEVER TO TRUST ANYONE WHO USES THAT DEMONIC WORD TO DESCRIBE """LOVE""""". NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN PLEASE I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THOSE WORDS EVER AGAIN I CANNOT BELIEVE WE LET YOU DO THAT TO US GOD FORGIVE ME BUT I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR BURNING THAT HELL INTO OUR LIFE

by which I mean, I hate myself for not punching you in the face the INSTANT you tried to touch us and taking the next plane home.
why did i let you touch us. why did i give you the """benefit of the doubt""" that sent us into damnation. why did i ignore my own screaming conscience and deathtrap instincts, and act like a smiling ragdoll around you????

Do you remember the incident on the porch? Of course you don't, you hedonist. How you, for some absolutely inane cursed reason, wanted to """"touch us""""" (BURN IT ALL) so!!! we just laid back and took it. and we said "it's fine!" and you said "no this isn't """CONSENSUAL"""" so I'm going to stop" OH SO SUDDENLY IT IS """"CONSENSUAL"""" IF OUR "LYING BACK AND TAKING IT" IS ACCOMPANIED BY THE PROPER SMILES AND WORDS AND GESTURES AND SOUNDS AND MOTIONS???? SO IF WE'RE REALLY DAMN GOOD AT ACTING AND DISSOCIATING AND DOING WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT BECAUSE SAYING NO WAS NOT A SAFE OPTION WITH YOU, YOU WHO TOLD US THAT OUR FAMILY HATED US AND WANTED TO KILL US AND THEREFORE YOU WOULD NEVER LET US GO BACK HOME EVEN THOUGH WE WANTED TO AND THEREFORE WE HAD TO STAY WITH YOU NO MATTER WHAT AND UTTERLY ABSOLUTELY MINIMIZE EVERY TINY POSSIBLE THREAT OF OFFENDING YOU SO WE WOULDN'T END UP HOMELESS OR TERRIFIED OF BEING STUCK IN YOUR APARTMENT, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT--- IF WE'RE REALLY DISTURBINGLY GOOD AT APPEASING YOU BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TRAUMA SURVIVORS DO TO SURVIVE, THEN SUDDENLY IT'S """CONSENSUAL"""" BECAUSE IT LOOKS JUST LIKE HOW YOU WANT IT TO??? EVEN IF THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT YOU??????????

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH Q, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED WITH BP, EXCEPT YOU TOOK IT ALL THE WAY TO HELL AND LEFT US LOCKED IN THERE.

It's not "oneirataxia," it's not "good," and it sure isn't "old" in this case, thanks to you. The nightmares are the result of our poor traumatized subconscious trying desperately to process the sheer unbearable terror of the FACT that THAT HAPPENED. so we had nightmares. you weren't even fazed. we know it's not literal indiscernment. that's no freaking excuse for hand-waving the endless nightmares off entirely, for sanity's sake.

And what the heck do you mean by "or rather, 'blaming NC'?" we were using "NC" as a blanket term for everything that happened out there. would you rather we falsely tag YOU with everything? which, ironically, you seem to be complaining about anyway?
why do you think we even used your "deadname" to refer to the trauma for so long??? WE WERE TRYING TO, EVEN NOW, COMFORT AND APPEASE YOU, BY NOT USING YOUR CHOSEN RESPECTED NAME IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE HORRIBLE THINGS WE REMEMBERED. WE WERE TRYING TO PRESERVE YOUR PERSONAL IDENTITY AS SOMETHING SEPARATE AND EVEN INNOCENT.

we know what it's like for other people to take your name, your heart's name, and mangle it like roadkill. we were trying to save you from that, even when-- like it or not-- YOU WERE THE CAUSE OF MOST OF WHAT DEVASTATED US.
but we still cared. god help us we still DO care, otherwise WE WOULDN'T BE SO BLOODY ANGRY ABOUT THIS

this is all so frustrating. listen. you weren't directly responsible for a lot of things. that's a fact. HOWEVER. the simple, iron fact that YOU WERE WHAT WAS KEEPING US THERE means that, passively, all that terror still falls on your head. saying we're "having nightmares about NC" or "traumatized from NC" means, as a whole, that year or so with you screwed us up. it tore us to shreds. but even so, you aren't in every one of those situations. we went through a LOT of scary stuff in NC, a great deal of it by our own despairing and desperate hands. it's a blanket term. stop trying to defend your pride when all it's doing is making you look ridiculous.

 

"That is among the very worst parts of this whole situation. Knowing them, knowing their longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life, believing their dreams actually happened, and knowing that they have had nightmares every night for as long as we’ve known them… knowing the nightmares now feature us and knowing they almost certainly believe those nightmares were real and we did all the terrible things that happen in their dreams."

DON'T YOU DARE. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT US AND I CANNOT BELIEVE IT TOOK UNTIL NOW TO NOTICE.

"Our longtime problems being unable to tell dreams from waking life." Tell me, Oliver. When has that ACTUALLY been a freaking problem???? HOW ABOUT NEVER????

The "oneirataxia" title for our dream journal isn't meant to be taken literally, you dunce. It's a reference to the fact that our dreams are so freakishly realistic that they BASICALLY feature as strongly and powerfully as LEGIT MEMORIES & FLASHBACKS. We know they didn't "physically occur" BUT as far as our mind is concerned THEY DID OCCUR ELSEWISE, and so yeah that does cause an oneirataxic "fear bleedover" into physical reality, BUT it DOESN'T MEAN "WE BELIEVE OUR DREAMS ACTUALLY HAPPENED" in the same level of reality you exist in. geez just how literal-minded are you when you want to be? no wonder you never realized how actually traumatized we were around you.

"you've had nightmares every night for as long as we've known them" oh come on that is SUCH HYPERBOLE, WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT STORY???? First you actually reference our dream journal, and THEN you spew THIS JUNK????? HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY READ THE JOURNALS YOU CLAIMED TO "OBSESS OVER" FOR YEARS??????

You didn't literally do the "terrible things that happen in our dreams" (honestly it would be impossible, and thank GOD for that) and GUESS WHAT, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THOSE "TERRIBLE THINGS” ARE BECAUSE WE DIDN'T EVER POST THEM ONLINE, SO STOP ASSUMING THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, YOU NARCISSISTIC LIBERTINE.

(no censoring. too much tortured rage bubbling up. why am I so angry)

 

 

"I’ve been thinking lately about how much they wrote in their journal, in October and November, about how hard they had to work not to hate us. Which, in LC-ese, meant, “I really, genuinely hate you and I feel guilty and scared about my hatred so I am going to try to pray it away.” Begging themselves not to hate us, for their own sake. Which, again, meant they did hate us. We know how their mind works."

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That, that RIGHT THERE, is the SINGLE MOST INFURIATING SENTENCE YOU HAVE EVER WRITTEN ABOUT ANYTHING.

THAT SINGLE CURSED SENTENCE IS THE ENTIRE FREAKING REASON WHY WE PUT OURSELF THROUGH ACTUAL HELL WITH YOU FOR SO LONG.

because "you know how our mind works."

AND WE DON'T, RIGHT OLIVER??????????????

THAT'S PSYCHOEMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, FOR THE RECORD.

But to continue.

IT'S ALSO PROJECTION. It's almost comical for me to read this bit, except for that last sentence. It's so utterly ridiculous and ludicrous that I can barely believe you wrote it.

"Which, in LC-ese, meant"… you sound like such a CLOWN. "LC-ese." What the heck does that even mean. Do you genuinely think we need a freaking translator for this?? When we're angry and scared and hurt and HONEST? "LC-ese??" Like YOU'RE the genius linguist who, alone amidst the entire world, can TRULY understand what we mean? The arrogance is choking. Everything always comes back to you, doesn't it.

First off, that is absolutely not what we meant, and it is incredible that you jumped to that conclusion.
"WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU" MEANS, QUITE LITERALLY, THAT WE DON'T WANT TO HATE YOU.

Problem is, back then, we didn't.

Now, we do.

Now your stupid translation DOES work, but GUESS WHAT? IF WE HAD FELT THIS WAY BACK THEN WE WOULD HAVE SAID SO.

Right now, it goes like this:

"I don't want to hate you, but God help me I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW."

Back then, it went like this:

"I don't want to hate you, but you are causing so much pain and fear and despair in my life that I can FEEL the real potential for hate bubbling up. I don't want that to happen."

THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN POTENTIAL AND ACTUALITY.

ALSO, SHOVE OFF WITH YOUR ASININE ANTI-RELIGIOUS GARBAGE.

Feeling "guilty and scared about hatred" is A GOOD THING.

"Trying to pray it away" IS A VERY GOOD THING AND DON'T YOU DARE INSINUATE THAT IT'S JUST SOME SILLY PHRASE WORTHY OF MOCKERY.

Guess what? Right now I feel REAL, BOILING HOT, EVISCERATING, DRILLBITS-TO-THE-EYES ACTUAL LIVID HATRED towards you. The catch? It's not even towards you, when you get to the mangled, tangled, sobbing-furious-terrified roots of it.

(left unfinished)