0530 dream
May. 31st, 2019 09:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleeddream. 053019.
I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did.
he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true.
at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.
I remember mewtwo was sick; dying? he was lying down with his head in my lap, his skin greying and looking like loose chicken skin or alien skin, all ragged bubbles and dots and sloughing off like a lizard shedding. but then something occurred where he remembered or 'it was revealed' that he indeed could heal himself? basically, the 'recover' ability, although this was not said outright. and so he did.
he returned to health and I guess was going about life normally, but I was thinking to myself, how much I missed and treasured those vulnerable moments where I was just holding him, as that was something I'd likely never get to experience again. I asked myself why this was, and then admitted, "because I love him." not romantically, but just genuine love. suddenly I realized, hold on, mewtwo can read minds. can he hear what I'm thinking? and sure enough he was looking at me. I became aware of all my intrusive thoughts, the ones calling random people 'ugly' and 'stupid,' accusing me of sexual lewdness and manipulation and other awful things, of saying I was just using people and wanted to hurt them and didn't really 'love' anyone, etc. ashamed, I countered those thoughts as they came up, afraid that if mewtwo heard the intrusive thoughts he'd think that was the 'real me' when it absolutely was not. I was half ashamed that someone with such an ugly mind as me would even dare to think I was even 'allowed' to hold him again, like this was some sort of entitlement. but I could not deny, the sentiment was true.
at this mewtwo came over to me, a look of 'gentle surprise' on his face, and asked me if I sincerely meant this thought-- if it wasn't just a wondering dream, but a genuine wish. I said yes, abashed but moved. and I don't know the sequence of events but I know that he just lay down with his head in my lap, and I held him like that, and there was no obligation or awkwardness from either of us-- it was something we both treasured, and there was a deep sense of trust and friendship and love in those moments, untainted by illness now, something we both wanted in and of itself. and that meant a lot to me.
