100519

[prismaticbleed]

First Saturday.

During Exposition & Adoration: offering up the pain of my earrings as a small sacrifice on my brother's behalf.
Wondering about "uniting our sufferings to Christ's sufferings" as well as the idea of "take up thy cross," in light of the fact that "dual imputation" is HERETICAL. Jesus was INNOCENT when he died on our behalf. He did not "become sin" as that's impossible.
This made me realize that THIS IS WHY WE MUST "TAKE UP OUR CROSS" or we cannot be His disciples, or be saved-- because WE MUST DIE WITH HIM TO BE FORGIVEN. Jesus opened the door for salvation, yes, by offering Himself up as the spotless Victim on our behalf to pay a debt we could NEVER pay ourselves… for sin is cosmically terrifying and its inevitable consequence is death… HOWEVER the Cross is not a free ride. We must also be willing to die with Him, in order to SHARE in that Atonement.


I have been praying to be cured of this eating disorder in time for Yom Kippur. It's scary, and today I realized why.
When making breakfast, I suddenly noticed how much rage I was channeling into cutting the carrots. Grandma had told me to "cut down" and my mind reacted with an outburst of agonized pain that immediately became a force that went into the knife, chop chop chop, and suddenly I realized that in any other circumstance, that knife would have been going into my arm.
Geez. No WONDER I'm afraid to stop making so much-- because the more I make, the more I can cut to pieces.


After church, I was brave, as I was praying, and I wanted to try to eat dinner. My body was weak and cold and tired and aching and sad, and I thought, "jeepers, if this keeps up all winter, I might not make it to Christmas. I need to learn how to eat again." Which is TERRIFYING. But if I don't try, I'll never see my prayers answered, because I won't be cooperating with them.
I cut up three cucumbers, four carrots, two romaine hearts, and about a cup and a half of mom's green beans, then added 1/3 cup of oats, and sprinkled salt over it all. That was it.
It took me a full hour to eat, I was slightly stuffed, and then the scary thing happened.
My entire body felt like it was on fire.

I had this irresistible need to burn it off. So I got on the exercise bike for 20 minutes, listening to Body Language and Beirut and Chad Valley and all sorts of other retro tunes, and as I felt the muscles burning in my legs, I wondered, just how much of my life is spent trying to SEDATE myself?

I have this mania in me that is frankly terrifying and it feels like all of my time is spent trying to chain up this hysterical animal in me that is burning like a brushfire and exploding with pent-up force and if I don't keep this thing as weak and starved as possible, it's going to kill somebody.