UPMC journal 101522

[prismaticbleed]

+ I keep mentally obsessing over NEEDING to reorganize/ properly space & structure my apartment, and it's making me a nervous wreck because (1) I can't realistically "plan" any remodeling WITHOUT direct spatial awareness, and (2) There's "TOO MUCH STUFF" and yet I'm LACKING several essentials, making me feel TRAPPED & STUCK & MISERABLE. There's this persistent drive to "mortify the senses" & live monastically, but I've BEEN forcing that, and ALL it did was PREVENT me from using my GIFTS & TALENTS for God, therefore giving the eating disorder WAY TOO MUCH POWER & SPACE TO GROW. And I CANNOT let that happen again. I NEED to MAKE ACCESSIBLE, DEDICATED SPACE in my apartment for MUSIC, ART, TYPING, READING, AND TV-- because like it or not, we ALL know how much we've been SINCERELY MOVED & INSPIRED FOR THE BETTER by video games & movies. GOD CAN AND DOES USE THOSE, TOO, Y'KNOW. See, THAT'S my problem-- for years now, I've been cutting out EVERYTHING in my life "BUT GOD," including my "self," desperate to "be holy" and instead just... becoming Pharaisical and utterly collapsing in every regard. I ended up outright disparaging & disowning EVERYTHING that wasn't EXPLICITLY RELIGIOUS. Every "little joy" of life, every pastime and interest and creative work, was condemned as "secular" and "stupid" and "BAD." I wouldn't play the cello because "I should pray instead." I wouldn't do art because "it was a form of pride & idolatry." I wouldn't listen to any music but hymns & chants. I wouldn't do ANYTHING creative because it felt as if I was "usurping God's territory" and effectively "trying to rewrite reality" and "tempt people away from total devotion to God". And I WOULDN'T LOVE ANYONE because "I'm only supposed to love Jesus." But I never felt like I knew Him, not personally; I could repeat His teachings & tell about His miracles and I COULD love Him for all that and I DID love Him, I DO, I recognize the love & mercy of the Cross, but... somehow, I still feel terrifyingly distant. No matter HOW many hours a day I would pray, no mater HOW many times I went to Mass, no matter HOW much I read the Bible... there was always this awful degree of separation. I DO love Him, I cannot deny that, but... I'm afraid, still; I'm scared of the focus He puts on me. That's all I can figure. I get in the way, no matter HOW much I hollow out my life. EVEN HERE!! Mass is this evening BUT I'm "RELUCTANT" TO GO, ONLY because I'd be going WITH OTHER PEOPLE?? And so I'd "have to be a SOCIALLY EXTANT PERSON"??? If I went ALONE, I'd be fine? But when I'm in a group, it feels wrong. I can only guess it's because, in EVERY social situation, EVERYTHING that has to do with the TRUE "ME" feels utterly shameful, because it's NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OUT IN PUBLIC!!! Worship feels like shallow performance. Interest feels like obtrusive arrogance. Love feels like voyeurism. "Exposing" my inner self and ALL related to it is actually TRAUMATIC and feels ACTIVELY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE-- and when that gutted openness coincides with CONVERSATION, those words and interactions are INVASIVE & VIOLATING. EVERY DAMN TIME. ...Unless I shut down & dissociate, that is. It makes me sick. It's MAKING me sick! I'm miserable just writing about it!! I'M SO TIRED OF PRAYER BEING USED AS PUNISHMENT. I am SO TIRED OF MY RELIGION FEELING LIKE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I'M SO TIRED OF "NOT BEING ALLOWED" TO EXIST IN LIGHT & COLOR, INSTEAD BEING CONDEMNED TO THE BLANK CELL OF SELF-DESTRUCTION. Is that really the "way of the saints"? Is that really going to "get me to heaven"? Is that-- no, HAS that EVER really "brought me closer to God"? ...but now I'm REALLY scared because I want to say YES. The less there was of me, the more there WAS of "God"... and paradoxically, bizarrely, terrifyingly, that perpetuated the eating disorder too. Honestly, the more I "tried" to "be normal," to stop the restriction, the rituals, the bingeing, and the purging-- the less time I had for God??? And that TERRIFIED ME. When I "ate normally" and "tried to learn/ do new things" it MADE ME EVEN MORE MISERABLE because then I felt TRULY HOLLOW, with the focus on my empty rotten husk of a "self." BUT, with the eating disorder, SOMEHOW I had more time for GOD??? At least, AT HOME-- whenever I would go out to BUY food, I would become a MANIC DISASTER, "forced" inescapably into that mode AUTOMATICALLY whenever I was in public-- UNLESS I WAS STARVING!!! The hunger often prevented mania in a kind of kind of mutual suppression; when you're weak & dizzy from hunger, you CAN'T socialize or entertain or perform or anything like that. It was protective. The INSTANT I dared to "eat something," I became a monster... at least, IF I WASN'T ALONE & DISSOCIATED!!! Starvation panic forced a sort of internal focus; without it, my "self" was FALSE, an EXTERNALLY-DICTATED MASK that ONLY EVER HURT THE REAL ME!!! And "becoming normal" felt like damning myself TO that mask, forever. But I digress, slightly. "Being normal" ALSO meant "losing my faith," which was "PROVEN" by how HORRIBLY the social focus destroyed my prayer life, and BIZARRELY sustained BY the agony AND structured DISSOCIATION of the eating disorder??? And that had been CONSTANT. At least... the majority of it was. As I prepared food, I would pray the Divine Office & listen to Catholic Daily Reflections. As I microwaved that insane amount of broccoli, I would kneel and pray at the prayer wall. As I ate, I would study the Bible. Even as I purged, I would be praying frantically and begging God for help the entire time. Yes, I was STILL preoccupied with "disordered time management," ALWAYS trying to decide what I should/ shouldn't eat, BUT I would FIGHT the compulsive obsessions, PRAYING for forgiveness & help the WHOLE TIME. My constant suffering was BASED ON FOOD & SELF, and so it drove me to CLING TO GOD ALL THE MORE, desperately wanting to abandon BOTH food & self and just lose myself in religion. It was such a mess. But...
...I'm afraid NOT to suffer. My constant hunger only made me hungrier for God. My constant misery made HIS joy all the more vital. Being "healthy" and "fed"-- what a DISGUSTING word-- wouldn't I forget God? Without suffering, could I still be truly religious??
I CANNOT BOTH EAT AND BE GOOD. I CANNOT "FEED" ON BOTH THE WORLD & GOD. I CANNOT BE "NORMAL" AND "HOLY" AT ONCE.
God I'm a mess
but the eating disorder IS A LIAR
IT'S STILL FOCUSED ON FOOD AND THAT DAMN BODY
stop
STOP
EVERYTHING ↑ YOU WROTE IS GARBAGE. YOU'RE SO DAMN BLIND.
EVEN I KNOW THE F*KING TRUTH. SO SHUT UP, LIAR!!
STOP "MAKING EXCUSES" FOR THE EATING DISORDER.
IT DIDN'T HELP! IT JUST TOOK OVER THE THINGS THAT DID!!
SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
AM I THE ONLY "PERSON" WHO CAN "TALK SENSE" ON THIS GODDAMNED TOPIC
STOP MAKING EVERYTHING SO "CEREBRAL"
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS
IT SURE AS HELL ISN'T ME!!!
I'M FED UP WITH YOUR COWARDLY HYPER-"REASONING" BULLSH*T. ALL YOU EVER DO IS TALK BUT YOU NEVER ACTUALLY SAY ANYTHING. YOU NEVER GET TO THE POINT.
WELL GUESS WHAT
I'M ALL F*KING POINTS

THE POINT IS
ADMIT WE ALL F*KED UP.
ALL OF US

WE TRIED TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING WITH THAT DISORDER AND WE FAILED.

GET THAT INTO YOUR INFLATED HEAD

IT DIDN'T EVER F*KING "WORK"!!!

LISTEN I'VE GOT ONE MORE THING TO SAY.
THE POINT.

YOU ASSHOLES KEEP PROUDLY TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE EATING DISORDER AS "SOMETHING THAT WORKED"
BUT FOR WHAT???
WHAT "MADE IT WORK"
CAN YOU EVEN KNOW???

NO
BECAUSE YOU'RE ALONE.
THAT'S WHY YOU SAY IT "WORKED"
BECAUSE IT SHUT YOU DOWN

BECAUSE "DISSOCIATION" FORCED THE FOCUS BACK INSIDE WHERE I LIVE

WHERE ALL OF US LIVE

THE MOMENT YOU REJECTED OUR LIFE IS WHEN THE E.D. TOOK OVER "YOURS."

I GUARANTEE YOU
IF YOU STOP SHUTTING US DOWN,
THAT DAMNED DISORDER WILL DISAPPEAR INSTEAD