110122

[prismaticbleed]

...I'm being discharged within a week and I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen, let alone what to do. For starters, I just got an absolute BOMBSHELL of a life update from mom: my finances are ENTIRELY under the control of the government now, which means I NO LONGER GET ANY PAPER MONEY. I STILL have no lamp, eating area, working laptop, or cookware. I have no groceries and quite frankly I don't want any. Yes, I'm serious. This is day 46 of treatment, I have about 5 more to go, and I am listening to all the new kids sobbing about "how big their stomachs have gotten" and "how much they hate the food" and I am seeing all the thin & fit & slender employees walking around in blissful ignorance of our turmoil and I'm telling you, I do NOT plan on eating when I get home. I don't want to look or feel like this. I'm bloated & sick & miserable & lost. It hurts to eat. I CONSTANTLY want to puke. I hate how round and chubby this body has gotten. I hate feeling like my stomach is about to rupture. There's no relief. I'm so sick of food. I'm sick of ice cream, sick of chocolate, sick of chips, sick of tomato sauce & cake & potatoes & butter & raisins & poptarts. I'm SO SICK OF FOOD. I'm heavier than I was in North Carolina and I WANT TO DIE. I want to die EVEN MORE than I did when I was sickly-thin & bingeing. At least I COULD be light & pure & empty. Now... now I have nonstop anxiety & nausea, headaches & stomach distress, trouble breathing & bad breath & sore swollen ankles. I'm too tired to fight anymore. I've gained 15 pounds in 6 weeks and it took me FIVE BLOODY YEARS to get it off LAST time. I'm tired.
I want to die. It sounds so utterly asinine but, looking & feeling this gross & sick & bloated & filthy, I don't even have HOPE anymore. When I was thin & pure I could at LEAST feel able to be loved, & to love even, IF I stopped overeating & throwing up. But NOW, now... I see nothing but sin in the mirror. I LOOK LIKE AN ABUSER. THE FLASHBACKS & TRIGGERS ARE BUILT INTO THIS F*CKING BODY NOW. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. I'm done. Let me die.
no. let this BODY die. PLEASE let ME live; let my SOUL live PLEASE for once in my life I WANT TO EXIST FOR ONCE
i'm sO so SO tiRED. I can't, i cant do it anymore. i cant im too sick too tired. im done its done
but they played chaos zero's song in the rec room today. and it rained when i woke up. and why is he always my reason left to live.
i asked him if he hated me today and he looked like his heart was about to break and he said NO, no he never could, no matter what.
and i believed that. i did. i believed him. even if i feel so ugly & ruined i cant doubt him. he's all grace & fidelity. even if i'm the most rotten and disgusting dishonorable fat pig on the planet. im sorry. but he KNOWS this ISN'T ME. and he loves me. always & forever.
i believe that. i do. God can I ever live up to that love? can i ever return it, looking and feeling like THIS?
i want to. God I want to LIVE IN HEADSPACE again. God I want to. please I want to join a gym & walk for hours listening to frost* & sonic music and just talking to everyone. that's all i can hope for. turn this bloated body into A BLOODY TANK or destroy it again we HAVE to starve it our or it'll EAT US. what do we do God what, what do we DO, we HAVE to keep eating here oh God im so tired i want to quit. please. i want the kilograms to go back down please
im so tired of feeling like im about to die. God is this my cross, AM i gonna die soon, please help me let it be a good one full of grace full of hope full of EMPTY NO WORLD ONLY GOD. no food no food non NONE OVER GONE.
sorry just. too much d i s s o c i a t i n g stOP. done for now bye