E.D. RECOVERY WORKBOOK: RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

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RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN

Positive changes you have made so far in treatment:
"Normalizing" many fear foods; being able to sit with/ distract from fullness without panicking; not counting food; eating with eyes open; RESISTING URGE TO PURGE; learning how to make OWN food choices without obsessing over patterns & "right/wrong"; ability to say "NO" to compulsions?

Current and ongoing challenges:
"Completionist" compulsion; LOTS of trauma memories tied to foods that I keep RELIVING & getting lost in; notable physical body discomfort; INTENSE DESIRE TO RESTRICT: to FLATTEN stomach & trauma kickback "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME EAT; I WON'T LET YOU HURT ME OR TOUCH ME ANYMORE" resistance.

Techniques & strategies that help & you will continue to use:
Industrial distraction methods; EXCHANGES; lower volume food combinations; PORTION CONTROL (use smaller bowls/ plates); distress tolerance skills; accountability sheets; food tracking sheets; trauma grounding & emotion regulation skills; JOURNALING; educatedly seeing food as NUTRITION; PATIENCE & TRUST!!

Situations & times that you are at highest risk of E.D. behaviors:
RESPONSIBILITY OVERLOAD; Sensory overwhelm (AUDITORY); feeling dirty (dropping/ spilling/ crumbling/ dribbling food); self-loathing episodes; trauma flashbacks (ESP. PHYSICAL); social overexposure (lose internal awareness/ self); feeling full/ bloated/ sick; DISSOCIATING AND/OR TRIGGERS WHILE EATING

Warning signs that you are starting to slip, and how to turn things around:

SIGN: Trying to entertain/ people-please; babbling or seeking to mollify? Talking too much; commenting, muttering
SYMPTOMS: DISSOCIATING; mindless, compulsive talk; anxiety/ panic; "imminent terror/ danger"
PLAN TO STOP: Close eyes, BLOCK EARS, shut your mouth! WRITE instead; SYSTEM TALK instead

SIGN: Trying to heal ALL AT ONCE/ "I can do EVERYTHING" / "Nothing is wrong"
SYMPTOMS: Invincibility, risk-taking, NO future prudence
PLAN TO STOP: ISOLATE & RECENTER INTERNALLY. Burn off mania with HARD LABOR & EXERCISE

SIGN: "I hate food" "Food is evil" "Gaining weight = moral corruption"
SYMPTOMS: Destroying food, restricting/ fasting, suicidal ideation, depressive collapse
PLAN TO STOP: Check the facts; read Eucharist books? Remind self of medical consequences to behaviors

Dealing with setbacks: list lapse behaviors what led to it, and how you can do better in the future.

BEHAVIOR: PURGING
CAUSE: Weight felt internally
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: STOP eating when full; DON'T FORCE!!!
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Cleanup/ EAT small, sleep

BEHAVIOR: EXCESSIVE FASTING
CAUSE: Feeling dirty/ carnal
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: ONLY fast 12h; talk to priest?
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Break fast slowly with safe food?

BEHAVIOR: CALORIE RESTRICTION
CAUSE: Fear of fullness/ weight
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Actively challenge with MEDICAL FACTS
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Add calories slowly & in small amounts

BEHAVIOR: OCD PREP/ PICKING
CAUSE: Anxiety when eating
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Occupy hands DIFFERENTLY
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Leave meal, de-stress, THEN return

BEHAVIOR: "FEAR FOODS"
CAUSE: Trauma flashbacks
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: Face them with OTHERS?
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Process trauma = JOURNAL

BEHAVIOR: BINGEING
CAUSE: Mania; compulsion
TO DO DIFFERENTLY: SET HARD LIMITS
TO GET BACK ON TRACK: Portion control/ Time management

★ We MIGHT be able to help reroute the "prep & picking" obsession with the GUZHENG??

★ CAN we get a food prep job and chop things up?? Is there a CRAFT to facilitate that urge??

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LETTING GO OF THE PAST

I STILL KEEP GETTING STUCK IN TRAUMA-VICTIM MINDSETS.
This means I apparently CAN'T LET GO of something about it. It's keeping me tied to the past, and letting my view of myself OR OTHERS to change & HEAL & FORGIVE.
GOOD MEMORIES still exist & I CANNOT/ SHOULD NOT deny them!!

CRISIS SAFETY/ RELAPSE PREVENTION PLAN FOR APARTMENT

TRIGGERS for E.D. behaviors (when these things happen, I'm more likely to feel unsafe/ upset):

+ Dream hacks & nightmares
+ Trauma rumination/ flashbacks
+ Seeing the body when it's bloated, especially "chubby" abdominal area over clothes
+ Reflux/ nausea/ fullness/ tightness: feeling physical discomfort, esp. gastric
+ Gender dysphoria
+ Responsibility overwhelm/ social exhaustion
+ LACK of stimulation/ purposefulness
+ In public: others eating less; disturbing topics/ music; diet comments; large portions; being watched
+ Reading/ hearing about religious fasting
+ Hearing mom/ others saying fatphobic things & promoting diet culture
+ Seeing attractive, very thin bodies, IRL or in art
+ People talking when I am eating, and/or about food and/or sexual topics
+ Close contact
+ Lots of noise, talking, movement in general
+ Being touched and/or people putting things in/ taking things from my hands


HOW DO I THINK, FEEL, & ACT when I'm TRIGGERED/ UNSTABLE?

+ existential dread/ panic
+ "tunnel vision" rage
+ screaming noise inside head, looping/ no exit
+ "stuck movie reel" mental visual looping
+ body restlessness, fidgety, jumpy, "tics"
+ increased physical awareness; "stuck"
+ flashbacks begin/ continue
+ hypervigilance; easily startled
+ dissociation/ derealization/ depersonalization
+ hearing voices WITHOUT THOUGHTS
+ sharp decrease in mental coherency; hard to form thoughts
+ talking OUT LOUD to "myself"
+ wringing hands; pulling at sleeves/ hair; tapping feet; scratching/ picking at hands with fingernails
+ extreme: high pitched whine, hyperventilating, eyes darting around, crying
+ extreme: flattened affect, no speech, breathing shallow/ stopped, going totally still/ frozen; shaking
+ overly social, chattering, loud talk, joking & laughing, trying to "entertain" or be "socially conforming"
+ closed/ tight body language, staring off rigidly into space
+ stuttering, slurring words, "garbled" speech, going nonverbal
+ clenching fists/ claw hands, angry brow, tense muscles, focused breathing, gaze fixed, clenched teeth
+ lying down on table/ putting head down WITHOUT ARM SUPPORT
+ covering face with hands; clawing at forehead; pulling fistfuls of hair, growling
+ thoughts become insistent & repetitive, panicky
+ intrusive, disturbing, violent/ fearful automatic thoughts
+ pacing, muttering, folding arms


THINGS THAT HELP ME CALM DOWN, STAY SAFE, OR FEEL BETTER NOW:

+ getting away from close contact/ social proximity
+ getting away from loud music
+ if overwhelmed: closing eyes, not talking, rocking
+ shivering out/ shaking out stress
+ RUN LIKE SONIC! (one day I'd LOVE to "Sonic bike" again-- we'd need a new GBA or XBox?)
+ read inspiring religious books/ study Scripture
+ GOOD sense override; bright hues, nice scents, fave music, strong impact?
+ Church, if possible-- even a solitary visit
+ prayer! just TALK to Jesus!!
+ listening to choir &/or calming music; even "rain/ snow" sounds
+ listening to my "cheer up kiddo" & "chill out kiddo" playlists
+ hug unis, chaos, celebi, or cherry
+ play klonoa or sonic; SPEEDRUN?
+ read old inspiring letters & quotes; review workbook advice
+ lifting heavy weights; step machine? jump rope?
+ play the guzheng and/or cello (violin/ viola? erhu??)
+ look at and/or read Leaguestuff; IMAGINE SCENES!
+ photos of SWITZERLAND, CATHEDRALS, & HEADSPACE PLACES
+ TALKING TO LAURIE, GENESIS, & CHAOS 0
+ journaling/ XANGA SESSIONS
+ go outside? just soak up nature; take photos?
+ watch something inspiring on the TV? (the chosen, dr. who, anime, ewtn, old animation)
+ GRATITUDE LISTS
+ get lost in Spotify or research diving
+ drag the couch around in a circle
+ change clothes/ clean & wash up
+ LAUGH at something goofy


CHANGES TO MAKE IN MY ENVIRONMENT TO FEEL SAFE/ CALM DOWN:

+ reduce noise & babble
+ leave kitchen/ put all foods in closed containers/ "CLOSE OFF" door? (curtain rod!)
+ JUNK major trigger foods if prudent
+ hug a plushie to "disarm" agitated hands
+ CLOSE THE BATHROOM DOOR
+ go OUT & walk the steps for a while
+ go look outside! expand your perspective!
+ keep POSITIVE CREATIVE COPING TOOLS in immediate access locations
+ laptops on STANDBY?
+ keep a book or two ON THE COUCH; keep journal/ workbook(s) IN SIGHT
+ GET A GLITTER LAMP? something to divert vision positively
+ CONTEXT SHIFT! go outside for a bit! DOORWAYS ARE YOUR FRIENDS
+ put up inspiring post-its? hang up art & quotes?
+ PUT OUT CONSTANTLY SEEN VISUAL REMINDERS of the LEAGUE/ SYSTEM
+ keep a living room altar in PLAIN SIGHT
+ reduce clutter! keep things neat & tidy!
+ rainbow sunstrips on window? hang little crystals around?


THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL WORSE:

+ being touched
+ trying to hold my hand (I WILL probably scream)
+ having to verbally answer questions
+ being referred to by name, especially if I'm in a flashback
+ people panicking & being dramatic
+ no decrease in noise level or movement
+ telling me to "snap out of it" or "quit being a baby" etc.
+ being focused on or stared at
+ being asked "what's wrong?"

★ "Self-attention" is catastrophic. focus my attention on GOD, or if I'm struggling to initially, then focus on some beneficial external data source? (books, music, leagueworlds?) Honestly just HAND ME A BIBLE


WHEN I NOTICE TRIGGERS, TO PREVENT THINGS WORSENING, I WILL...

+ NOT EAT! wait until everything settles!!
+ PRAY!!
+ read the Bible/ inspiring religious literature
+ TALK TO LAURIE
+ close my eyes!!
+ SIT DOWN!! STAY ON YOUR BUTT KIDDO
+ practice breathing exercises? slow down!
+ "IMPROVE" SKILLS
+ MINDFULNESS exercises; GROUNDING mentally/ physically
+ Identify emotions & action urges; describe & validate BUT do opposite action
+ Self-soothe & distraction skills (sparkly things! minty stuff! soft things! nice music!)
+ GET AWAY FROM THE TRIGGER if possible
+ STOP TALKING!
+ progressive muscle relaxation: DROP the tension!
+ ACTIVELY PRACTICE RADICAL GRATITUDE & TRUST IN GOD
+ Contact the Retributors & ASK FOR THEIR HELP
+ FORGIVE
+ call a crisis hotline or therapist if relevant
+ let SOMEONE ELSE switch in if possible
+ LEAVE THE CONTEXT if possible
+ IMMEDIATELY go upstairs & talk/ journal about it
+ .do something PURE & UPLIFTING

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