"EATING AND THE SELF" WORKBOOK NOTES

[prismaticbleed]

MOST COMMON PRO-ANOREXIC BELIEFS that cause RESISTANCE TO CHANGE:

• EMOTIONAL SECURITY = through dissociation/ manic expression (binge) & terror/ sobbing/ trauma expression (purge)?
• CONTROL = fights rape/ violation/ poison fears. Restriction: "keep the outside OUT of me." Purge= PURIFICATION. Binge= DESTROY.
• ATTRACTIVENESS= TO MYSELF?? disgusted by feminine figure/ curves/ chunkiness. Shamefully, I did admire my thinness.
• SELF-CONFIDENCE= somehow, yes. Matched the "inner me"= SEXLESS & free & light. even childlike. "COULD express self."
• AVOIDANCE OF FEELINGS= eating brings up trauma; not eating means I can keep suppressing it/ denying it; NOT FEEL IT
• BEING SPECIAL= "I'm NOT like the 'other girls' so I'm NOT a girl"; "If I DON'T want to be like them, I CAN'T LOOK LIKE THEM"
• FITNESS= admittedly so. The "FEELING" of being loose/ heavy/ flaccid is HUMILIATING & DISTURBING. Valued "strength."
• NO MENSES= IT'S AN EXPLICIT TRAUMA/ DYSPHORIA TRIGGER. I don't know how I'll cope if it does come back. I'd rather die.

Describe your posture.

• I always tend to sit "straight w/ shoulders back," attentive; I was repeatedly instructed to do so as a child, and it DOES help keep my mood optimistic & open. BUT, there's also a sense of "containment"? I keep my legs close together, and although my arms aren't crossed, my HANDS are? They're either folded in my lap, or "cradled" right under left w/ upward palms: the latter being a subtle "sign" of receptivity/ listening. The "folding" forms, in contrast, a "closed loop" w/ my arms, allowing me to receive information BUT internalizing my focus.
• When writing, I hunch over the paper, elbows out to the sides and both hands close on the paper. I lean my head down too. Although I'm "bent" my shoulders are tight, & my abdomen slightly tense. Outwardly I'm "enclosed" w/o "closing off"; signaling total immersion in my work & discouraging approach. Internally I'm "exerting" intense focus-- the emphasis on my arms/ upper body keeps me grounded/ aware in self, so I CAN pour all my conscious focus into the WRITING, not getting carried away by thoughts too fast/complex TO write, which WOULD be accessible/ bleeding over IF my posture was more relaxed & loose: which is required for THINKING/ PROCESSING; when I shift, the tension drops from my chest, my shoulders loosen & shift down, and I look up, eyes UNFOCUSED. BUT my hands/ arms STAY "looped" at chest level, a subtle "enclosing" that still discourages interruption.
• When triggered/ shaken, I cross my wrists while hunched over the table? My chest & shoulders tense AND hunch, like my back is arching up like a scared cat. I turn my head to the right & tilt my chin down close to my shoulder, as if I had a heavy scarf & I was trying to hide in it. My legs tighten closer together AND my feet ground only at the toes, bent back & out at the knees-- having my feet flat feels UNSAFE & causes panic. My eyes STAY unfocused, through dissociation; my expression freezes neutral??
• When DEEPLY DISTURBED, I DO pull my arms down in front of my chest, STILL only crossed halfway, over my solar plexus? NOT "folded," only right in front of left. My fingers are loosely curled in, but NOT clenched. I push down w/ my forearms into my stomach-- upper arms pushing BACK?? (and/or up w/ the hunched shoulders) and my LOWER BACK slouches out, my chest tightening with it, in a NOTABLE subconscious "echo" of a vomiting response. My exhales are forceful, controlled, & clipped; my inhales are shallow & brief. WHENEVER I'm distressed/ in crisis to the point of wanting to cry/ scream/ run, the MOST pressure & nausea ALWAYS FOCUSES IN MY STOMACH (solar plexus), & manifests w/ SUDDEN, FORCEFUL, IMPULSIVE exhales/ muscle contractions, as if I were silently screaming or violently throwing up.
• My expression typically FOCUSES ON MY EYES/ BROW, UNTIL/UNLESS I'M IN CRISIS/ EXTREME EMOTION??

Do you have any new understandings of how you relate to others, after completing the genogram (posted separately)?

• How I relate to self: internalized/ learned/ COPIED? parental behaviors; SO MUCH of the E.D. is APPEASEMENT BEHAVIOR???

We've suspected that for YEARS, notably w/ Iscah; our compulsions to be "thin & pretty," "clean & proper," "small & harmless," etc. as WELL as our compulsions to EAT/ NOT EAT certain foods (coffee, chocolate, bacon, etc.) are ALL NOTABLY BASED ON TRYING TO WIN AND/OR DESERVE LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, & APPROVAL from someone we loved, who did not necessarily care about us.

"If I like/eat all your favorite foods, will you like me, too?/ Will I be your favorite?"

"If I DON'T like/eat the foods you like/eat, I won't be like you/ I'm saying NO to what you did"? (AMBIVALENCE in trauma contexts!!)
 

• How I relate to others: I INSTINCTIVELY default to appeasement behavior if I like someone/ want to be close to them?? And if I DON'T FEEL SAFE/ RIGHT in that imitation, I will DISTANCE myself from them & "act like I don't care"?? Even though I DO!!-- I just cannot safely act on that WITHOUT my learned behavior kicking in: "for them to like/ love/ accept/ respect me, I MUST BECOME LIKE THEM"??

Notes on the Victim/ Rescuer/ Persecutor Triangle:

• Ambivalence: "I want to be saved from this eating disorder/ I "HAVE TO" do these compulsions EVEN THOUGH I hate it"

^ Mom couldn't feed me OR ignore me w/o "seeming like a persecutor" to one or the other?? It breaks my heart. SHE JUST WANTS TO HELP. She loves you!! She's your mom!!

• I feel compelled to be "a rescuer" BUT when difficult/ scary events occur, I often default to "VICTIM" & view others as "persecutors," although I WILL LOOK for a "rescuer" if it gets real bad!!
• If others ACT AS "VICTIMS," I tend to AUTOMATICALLY feel/ ACT like a "persecutor?" It's sickening. But that reflects how I treat myself. Relatedly, I will play "rescuer" for people whose needs AREN'T EMOTIONAL???
• The System DAILY "switches" between ALL 3 ROLES, notably in a crisis. Victims are beaten up by persecutors and HOPEFULLY a rescuer will step in soon. Unfortunately our traumabrain tends to JUSTIFY PERSECUTORS. We apparently VILIFY THE VICTIM??? see them as "manipulative dramatic liars," NOT ACTUAL "VICTIMS"!!!
• I typically am NOT AWARE of "needs" UNTIL THEY ARE COMPROMISED, and feeling so suddenly & disturbingly "stuck," I feel victimized. I "assume people KNOW what I need," thinking "it MUST be obvious" because "I behave accordingly"?? i.e. I'm quiet & keep to myself, so "you'd ASSUME I needed a seat by myself." But they KEEP putting me in the crowded noisy kitchen, EVEN THOUGH I've spoken up about it TWICE. So it feels "ignorant" or even "malevolent"-- "we don't believe/ trust/ respect your request & "alleged need" SO we're POINTEDLY going to deny/ oppose it!!" That makes them a PERSECUTOR. I feel helpless & feel victimized. Then I LOOK/WAIT for someone to "rescue" me??
• I "become the persecutor" when I see people BREAKING RULES?? or "MISBEHAVING"?? I "want them to be punished so they behave/ obey"?? I feel AWFUL wanting to be "brutal/ harsh" but their behavior makes me SO ANGRY??? Still, if I DO strike out, then YES, I AM THE PERSECUTOR, and I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANYONE TRAUMA!! but it's happened. Rage is traumatic and I've shown it in the past. for that I am awfully, contritely sorry.
• Relationships seem permanently damaged once this happens. "My way" no longer matters?? Even if they DO "behave" it's only temporary AND INSINCERE; as it's FORCED through fear/threat; NOT FREELY CHOSEN. So "persecuting" ANYONE never ever does anything good.
• I think I've "persecuted" TAS/ TBAS/ Q through my blaming them for trauma? even if they DID do something VERY WRONG!! but "being the victim" sometimes feels UNBEARABLE-- if the trauma is too destructive & disturbing-- so I "FLIP" the roles?? I spit vitriol about it instead of weeping. It's so unhealthy & unmerciful. I NEED to learn to COMMUNICATE; never voicing my needs, OR NEVER SAYING "NO," will ALWAYS cause this triangle. I NEED to be OPEN, HONEST, & RESPECTFUL of ME AND THEM!!

 

Describe a cyclical maladaptive pattern you've noticed in yourself.

1) "When people talk to me, I think they are testing me or tempting me for a certain response/ "setting me up".
- "I feel like I am on trial, or being watched & monitored. I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I will be marked for abuse."
- "I wish people wouldn't try to have conversations with me/ ask me personal questions/ ask for my "opinion.""
- "I dissociate and respond with shallow, automatic phrases when people talk to me"?
2) "If I talk to people, they will judge me according to the propriety of my response, & treat me according to their being pleased or offended. Offense will almost inevitably merit further brutal abuse for the sake of correcting/ forcing me to please them instead."
3) "When I talk/ respond to people, they appear awkwardly uncomfortable, nervous, and/ or "down"; they seem angry, upset, & impatient."
4) "When I talk to people, I never speak properly, and I feel gross & stupid afterwards. I am miserable & try to isolate; I violently & repeatedly condemn myself."