the spectrum heart cathedral system

pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.



post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
✳ "Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" → "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave↓"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing↓" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD↓" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
✳ "KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
✳ "Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
✳ Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
✳ Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

↑ EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
✳ SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
✳ ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
✳ SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
✳ GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
✳ SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!
MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!



(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT


(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"


(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.






post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.

post-breakfast//

Breakfast was mostly corrective/ instructive. The eggs were lovely-- INSTANT hose company memories w/ ketchup-- BUT we only grabbed ONE ketchup, and that "mistake" made us dissociate; we struggled to even taste the rest of the eggs. But I tried & prayed! They just have a VERY light taste, so it is actually normally tough to "grasp" when dealing w/ distractions. But the memory data IS solidifying, thank You God! Unfortunately our HUGE MISTAKE was the french toast. We started fine, BUT nerves caused us to lapse into bizarre behaviors, and we put creamer AND soymilk on the toast, EVEN though JESUS SAID DON'T!! BUT HERE'S THE TROUBLE-- we always wondered, "why don't we obey?" And TODAY, we realized-- when we're anxious/ disturbed by "mistakes," we GET LOST IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, and when that happens, THOUGHTS BECOME NOISE, AND UNRELIABLE!! So the emotional turmoil OVERRIDES "LOGIC" & REASON, because we CAN'T DISCERN EITHER PROPERLY in that state! Therefore, EVEN internal "don't do it!!" warnings are DISREGARDED, but UNWILLINGLY-- we SENSE the threat & danger & FEAR the choice/ action/ consequences, BUT DO IT ANYWAY because we're ALREADY SHAKEN/ SCARED AND "DESPAIRING"-- to us, even ONE mistake instantly PREVENTS SUCCESS & DOOMS US TO FAILURE, so "making MORE mistakes" not only feels INEVITABLE but almost OBLIGATORY?? Like the very concept of "NOT making that predicted, and therefore "GUARANTEED" mistake, is incomprehensible; our current "reality" has now been redefined AS "failure" so ALL actions "MUST" fit the bill?? To HAVE obeyed, and said "OK, I won't do that BECAUSE You're implying it would be unwise/ improper/ harmful," would actually have REQUIRED us to have been in a REASONABLE STATE OF MIND-- ONE THAT COULD HOPE FOR, AND BELIEVE IN, HEALTH & PEACE & WELLBEING! But we felt "DOOMED" to make further mistakes; "the first domino had fallen," so there was "no point" in picking one back up: the "whole thing" was wrecked; the WHOLE was TAINTED/ CORRUPTED by the single drop of poison. So we just... put the creamer on the toast anyway, BIZARRELY "hoping against hope" that the moisture would soften it & "soothe" us in the process? Which leads into our next three points: (1) "DISORDERED/ IMPROPER" BEHAVIOR ALWAYS ENDS BADLY!!! Yes, we DID have hope that it'd work well, and potentially it might have, but ON THE UNIT, SUCH "IMPROPER" USE OF CREAMER IS VERY MUCH DISOBEDIENT TO UNIT BEHAVIOR RULES!!! Which can be VERY hard for us to accept in certain situations like this, where the "added moisture" would potentially make a food MUCH easier AND/OR less disturbing to eat!! BUT THE GUILT IS CRUSHING. We know that "if we were CAUGHT," we would be UNBEARABLY ASHAMED & HUMILIATED, AND GUILTY OF REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR! We ARE NOT an exception to the rules!! But oh man I've gotta admit we are STUBBORNLY TEMPTED to STILL dump creamers over the Saturday rice bowl, because THAT MADE IT PALATABLE last weekend when we WERE ACTIVELY STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH NEW TRAUMA, and the taste/ texture shift GENUINELY HELPED, both to chew it AND in making it "SOFT/SWEET" to, conceptually, soothe our crying frightened child of a mind deeply shaken. AND IT HELPED. So... we feel VERY torn, even if foolishly, between "creamer is ONLY to be put into coffee or tea," and 'I WANT to put creamer into the rice because AT HOME it would be both ALLOWED AND HELPFUL; besides, Indian recipes OFTEN add sweeter coconut milks & creams to their rice dishes!!" Still... at the absolute bitter core of it, the choice comes down to OBEY THE CONTEXTUAL RULES or BREAK THOSE RULES & SELF-INDULGE. "Do the RIGHT thing, EVEN if no one is looking." But GOD is ALWAYS looking; and HE KNOWS your TRUE motivation, beneath all the excuses & petty, vain "justifications": put bluntly, in this dilemma, my temptation is to prioritize pleasure over sacrifice. I want sweet rice, not savory rice, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S the kind GOD GAVE ME to eat!!! Who am I to brazenly insist on my own way, on special treatment??? I'm dust!! I'm a wretched worm!! I'm grumbling about taste & texture, complaining about the desert's limitations, EVEN THOUGH GOD IS MIRACULOUSLY FEEDING, PROTECTING, GUIDING, AND SAVING ME!! I'm blinding myself TO those blessed miracles by foolishly fixating on rice and coffee creamer. What an idiot I'm being. God forgive me. Boy oh boy I am being VERY LOVINGLY CHASTISED today!!! I'm SORELY humbled, but I'm regaining my sight down here, sheltered from the hot air of pride, here in the SHADOW of God's protective wings. I couldn't even fit under them before, puffing myself up all proud & stiff-necked. But now... I'm like a feeble baby bird. I've realized my own wings aren't developed yet, and I'm too uneducated AND weak to fly yet. Honestly I'm happier here, close to God, contrite for having been so silly & trying to do things on my own, not having ANY right judgment on my own, getting scorched & sick, humiliated & ashamed. But God still welcomes me back with open arms & a smile when I return to Him with a humbled heart. Obedience is best, and WISE, for the LIFE of both my body & soul. And it is ONLY through WILLINGLY CHOOSING to both make AND endure little "deaths" of self-sacrifice & mortification-- tiny Crosses, splinters of His Own-- that I can PARTICIPATE IN AND RECEIVE FORGIVENESS FOR MY DISOBEDIENCE, AND A NEW LIFE LIVED BOTH IN AND FOR HIM!! I can JOYFULLY OFFER UP MY LITTLE MORTIFICATIONS IN UNION WITH HIS, which is an INCOMPREHENSIBLE HONOR, allowing my pain & inconvenience & self-denial to be INFUSED WITH HOLY PURPOSE & POWER, as they are then MADE PART OF CHRIST'S REDEMPTIVE WORK! He ALLOWS AND ENCOURAGES US to "fill up what is lacking" in the Suffering of His Body, as it was then limited by time & space, but IN US, THE CHURCH, that SAME sacrifice of the Cross BECOMES TANGIBLY ETERNAL & OMNIPRESENT!!! How could I EVER disdain such an honor, such a blissful opportunity?? Choosing the SELF-DENIAL of NOT putting creamer in food, however "paltry" it may seem, is STILL a mortification of my own emotional compulsions, and WILL require a SOLID EFFORT OF WILL-- something ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE!!! So PRAY for that Grace, AND for a heart humble, open, SOFT & SWEET enough TO BOTH RECEIVE & ACT ON THAT GRACE!!!
On that note, (2) FRENCH TOAST IS STILL TRIGGERING US?? Looking at what data we have, a BIG part of that IS the harder the texture this kind has, AND I THINK I KNOW WHY-- because AT HOME, as a child, "SAFE" french toast would either be on ROUND ITALIAN BREAD or FLUFFY TEXAS TOAST... and both would ALWAYS be SOFT & WET from the steam and the butter! The ONLY TIMES we EVER had "regular sliced bread" french toast were IN NORTH CAROLINA, AND DURING BINGES-- and yes, in BOTH cases, THEY WERE HARD. So THAT explains WHY our poor bedraggled brain FAVORED EMOTION OVER OBEDIENCE and "wet" the toast; IT WAS TRYING TO PREVENT THAT TRAUMA RESPONSE, and instead REMEMBER CHILDHOOD COMFORTS. There was just ONE seemingly insignificant factor we overlooked, never guessing how HUGE it actually was... (3) TASTE MATTERS. This one BLINDSIDED us. We SOMEHOW overlooked the ADDITIONAL childhood-memory fact that we ALWAYS had POWDERED SUGAR on our hyperbuttered french toast... NEVER SYRUP!!! Now by itself that's just a distinction; BUT!! The INSTANT we put it on the breakfast today & TASTED it? SHEER PANIC. We did NOT expect that! But the ketchup "mistake" had made our mind vulnerable, so it's not surprising something distressing was now ABLE to surface. Syrup is a BINGE FOOD first & foremost, so that anxiety makes sense, BUT there were TWO MORE TRAUMA TRIGGERS??? First was the taste of syrup PLUS CINNAMON-- somehow that spiked the nerves? But the WORST was SYRUP + BUTTER-- we IMMEDIATELY got PANCAKE TERROR??? Like LEGIT TRAUMA-GRADE fear!!! The very THOUGHT of eating pancakes with syrup makes us ACTUALLY WANT TO VOMIT. And there is GOOD REASON why, judging by the FACTS that we've had MULTIPLE experiences where "pancakes" = oil fires, fire alarms, horrific burns/ spills, and FILTHY frying pans; PLUS typically pancakes would be THICK AS GLUE, bitter as baking soda, and DROWNING IN SYRUP. I CANNOT think of a SINGLE non-traumatic pancake incident; EVERY time we'd eat one, we would be TREMBLING, TERRIFIED, & IN TEARS. Notably, the ONLY "positive" pancake experience we've EVER had was in a DRAMATICALLY separate context: sneaking broken pieces off of COLD pancakes, saranwrapped in the refrigerator, as a guilty child-- and ONLY the chocolate chip kind!! Plain, blueberry, cranberry, raisin, AND banana kinds are ALL SCARY!!! HONESTLY I wonder if the ONLY REASON chocolate chip ones were "safe" is because we ate them AS COOKIES! We NEVER ate them with utensils, and they were ALWAYS cold and "stiff"-- NOT warm or wet or soft! Those qualities are ESSENTIAL for french toast, but LETHAL for pancakes-- on that note, THAT may have set off the french toast panic?? Because THEY were dangerous WHEN COLD!! And the ones on today's plate WERE-- cold, hard, & dry! STILL, on their own, they NEVER gave the SHEER AMOUNT OF FEAR & DREAD that the syrup did today. That has me so confused, because it is EXACERBATED by being paired with not just butter, but ALSO the cinnamon, and maybe nutmeg? But specifically the "french toast" taste! Why so?? Is it just too close of a pancake analog, that tasting syrup ON french toast is "wrong"?? OR DID WE HAVE A BINGE TRAUMA WITH SYRUP ON FRENCH TOAST, TOO??? Would THAT do it? Because honestly I'm ALSO unsure on whether or not SYRUP on its own COUNTS as trauma food, because I DID taste some plain today, but... no immediate flashbacks??? Just "autumn = maple" associations. Which is BIZARRE, because even IMAGINING THE TASTE OF SYRUP MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. But is that because MOST of my memories of it are AS IT IN A COMBINATION?? Like on pancakes, or in beans or something? And THAT is nauseating. But "just maple" isn't scary?? I DON'T "like" it; that I must admit, BUT geez WHY am I even scared of the WORD "MAPLE"?? It legit gives me the shakes!! Actually, HOW MUCH OF THAT IS "HARVEST FEAR"??? Consider that, BUT please ALSO consider that there is the tiniest bit of syrup still on my hands and WHENEVER I catch that scent, I INSTANTLY GET PANCAKE VISUALS!!! Like the two have become INEXTRICABLE in sensory memory?? And pancakes are LEGIT TERRIFYING... unless they are COLD with chocolate chips, haha. That is SO WEIRD, ESPECIALLY since CHOCOLATE ITSELF is a HUGE trauma food, arguably the WORST!! But context is powerful, and for SOME REASON, COLD CHOCOLATE CHIPS don't immediately register AS chocolate??? Partly the temp/ texture change, partly the bittersweet taste?? No clue. Gosh this is all so tangled. I'm only trying so hard to UNTANGLE it so that, by UNEARTHING/ REVEALING the roots, we CAN ease out those knots through patience & WISDOM gained through KNOWLEDGE & UNDERSTANDING, and in doing so, enable our soul & mind to HEAL & GROW AGAIN. I want to be free. But you CAN'T just "turn off" trauma; nor can it be suppressed, denied, belittled, or rejected without DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES. Trauma, EVEN weirdass food trauma like this, is a REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUND that REQUIRES CAREFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE HEALING, and that process is UNIQUE to every soul, as it inevitably corresponds to both HOW one was wounded, and BY WHAT. If I was somehow "wounded" by pancakes & syrup BEING PART OF A TRAUMA-- the food, in and of itself, IS AND WAS HARMLESS & INNOCENT-- then I MUST ACCEPT THAT trauma response AS REAL & LEGITIMATE BEFORE IT CAN BE HEALED!!!
On that note, again. Syrup DOES seem to turn my stomach, in and of itself! I think it's just the simple sugars? Perhaps-- but I cannot deny that the SHEER BRUTE FORCE of "pancake panic" that hit/ is hitting me is NOT easing the nausea, haha. So right now I can't objectively tell whether or not this sick feeling & urge to vomit is from the syrup in a physical way, or in an emotional way. Could be both! But I ALSO have both prayer & Mylanta to combat it, ahaha, so we're golden. Which is VERY GOOD TO KNOW because LUNCH IS DOUBLE CHOCOLATE! BUT!!! EVEN in that, I'm actually tearing up because GOD IS SO MERCIFUL & GENTLE WITH ME. I was PLANNING to tackle the chocolate milk at lunch, BUT God apparently decided that wouldn't be smart on top of this syrup stress, so He CHANGED it to a chocolate pudding (safest chocolate option!) and a chocolate SHAKE 'EM UP. So I have been granted REST from my efforts, WITHOUT removing my efforts!! THANK YOU GOD. ♥ Now I've gotta STOP & PRAY so that, by God's grace, I CAN meet that challenge!! ♥
(One last note: we are HEARTBROKEN that we can't have "GRANDMA'S" vanilla pudding today. BUT. We lifted that up in prayerful surrender, wanting to heal & be courageous-- we COULDN'T enjoy "her" pudding if we KNEW we were "running away" TO do so-- and almost heard her say, "I already know you love me; the pudding won't change that, and you don't need to "prove it" that way. But you CAN prove your trust in God, AND your willingness to more fully love & forgive MY DAUGHTER-- by eating the chocolate pudding with JUST AS MUCH tenderness & gratitude today. Have faith in God's plan and surrender to His merciful Will; He allows this to teach you an even deeper, more complete love & trust, for the truest healing & salvation of your soul. Don't worry about me! I already love you, too. There's nothing to be sad about." So here we go!!



post-lunch//

+ The chocolate pudding DID taste JUST LIKE Mom's desserts! And the Shake 'em Up WASN'T SCARY AT ALL; I actually ENJOYED it, even though it tastes quite unique!! It's not bad at all-- and I'm HONESTLY learning, through all this courageous effort, that maybe... chocolate itself ISN'T BAD, either. What a thought. What a beautiful thought. That's... LIBERATING, to my very soul. Chocolate is an ANCIENT fear food, one I even HATED, and even damned as EVIL!! To be PROVING THAT WRONG is not only FREEING MY HEART from that horrible judgmental bias, but it's ALSO glorifying GOD-- proving that EVEN the WORST fears-- and sinners!!-- CAN BE REDEEMED!!! ♥



post-snack//

It was a challenge night!! I tried BOTH the DORITOS & the CHOCOLATE SUNDAE! And, blessed be God, they were BOTH GOOD!! Admittedly, yes there WERE some little "tough spots," but they were SO minor it surprised me! The Doritos have a "corn chip" anxiety, very little, tied to old memories of stale/ dusty tortilla chips at the house, corn taco messes, and TBAS shaming us for eating THEIR chips/ us bingeing on corn tortillas at night. But God knows we want to LET THAT GO, AND FORGIVE. It's really ONLY possible through LOVE, and God ALSO knows we NEED HIS GRACE TO DO THAT-- we honestly want to love them, BUT the "LAST time" we loved them it nearly KILLED us-- they were ACTIVELY CORRUPTING OUR CONSCIENCE, and we were just nosediving into the eating disorder to cope with the trauma/ powerlessness/ isolation/ loss of self/ etc. We DID love them. Just, after all that terror, we're not sure HOW to STILL love them SAFELY, without damaging our soul again. GOD knows, though. Jesus knows better than ANYONE, EVER. We'll talk to Him in prayer about it. But yes! Thankfully, despite the shame/ anxiety "aura" that corn chips have, we DO like them, ultimately? And the nacho taste was actually kinda nice! AND we DIDN'T GET SICK OR DIRTY!!! Thank You God!!! ♥ So we're gonna try 'em again tomorrow-- WITH the ice cream, which tastes like BOTH childhood Valentine's day chocolate, AND how Hershey Park smells! So it's positive AND anxious. We'll work on visiting the memories & healing that anxiety, once we find its roots (probably social attention + park helplessness). God will help us. ♥ See you tomorrow!!

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE



Emergency update time?

You bet it is.

Sorry about what a disaster I've been lately.

Don't apologize, this stuff isn't easy to deal with in any sense of the word. You've basically been in hell for longer than I'd like to imagine at this point.

I know.

So. Let's not mince words or waste time. Got a starting point, kid?

Not really. I mean it's already 11:30 at night, and I have to be up at seven for school.

Then we'll make this short. But seriously, are you even tired? You slept like fifteen freakin' hours straight.

I know.

Two days in a row.

I'm still tired.

The heck, Jewel.

I told you, Laur, I'm exhausted. I'm just burnt out from life at this point. I don't want to get up anymore, I can't deal with daily life very well either.

I know, dude, you've been an absolute mess.

Cross our fingers for that intake appointment tomorrow, right?

Hell yes, hopefully this guy can finally get you on hormones.

I am praying so damn hard that he does... or at least I would be if I felt it mattered at this point.

That, that right there, that's what I want to use as a kickoff point.

Which part?

The "if I felt it mattered" garbage. The all-devouring apathy you've been infected by.

It's a result of the tiredness.

Are they two sides of the same coin?

Possibly... what coin though?

Heck if I know. I'm guessing burnout in general. Too much stress for far too long.

Hey, speaking of that, uh... is Julie okay?

What the blood do you care?

I just don't want her falling back into that living hell just because I am.

She's fine as she can be after that sort of horrific meltdown. Meaning she's seriously shaken up and is equally terrified that this is getting so bad.

I figured as much.

And she's worried about you.

Me?

Yeah.

Why the  heck is she worried about me.

Don't pull this nonsense on me, J. She's worried about you because she knows what she did to you in the past, and believe it or not, she does not want that repeating. You hear me?

Yeah..

Do you believe me though? That she honestly does not want that to happen to either of you ever again?

Does it matter? Part of me really does wish she or something else was dark and dangerous again, so that I could draw the line between black and white, good and bad. So that you can be my knight again. So that I can actually find my conscience.

Yeah, what the heck is it with you wanting all of your troubles to be magnified like this? That bloody mindset that "you're not suffering enough."

Do you swear in every sentence?

Possibly. Most likely. It works for emphasis, kid, I like peppering my speech with cusswords because they make a bloody point.

Just wondering.

Just dodging the question, you mean.

I'm not suffering enough. I don't deserve to seek help for something as asinine as this. People out there have suffered through REAL hells and they have ACTUALLY bled for their pains. They deserve help, they deserve all the help and healing they can get. Me? I'm just a poser, just a fake, just some jerk with made-up problems and a narcissism complex to top it off. "Look at me, look at what I've been through, give me therapy because I'm special." No. Shut up. You haven't suffered enough to know what suffering even is. Shut the heck up and take it like a man.

You do realize you switched perspectives in there?

I'm berating myself is why.

Why?

Because, fake suffering, and this stupid sense of entitlement to help. It pisses me off.

Kid, you're sick. You're sick as a dog with rabies and a missing leg right now.

That's a nice description.

Well, just freaking look at yourself! You are lashing out at your family and friends, both upstairs and downstairs, physically and emotionally. You are self-abusing more than ever. You cannot hold down a job or an education. You can't even get out of your bed in the morning anymore because of how fiercely you're trying to suffocate your suicidal mindset. Kid, you are sick and I want you to heal from this as soon as possible.

I'm not sick enough. You don't go to a hospital for a sniffle and a cough.

Don't give me that, kid, you're coughing up blood here as far as I'm concerned.

Prove it. What's so serious about this?

Uh, that entire bloody paragraph that I just typed? Jewel, are you really that blind to your own problems?

I really just want to die, Laurie.

I know. That's why we're here right now.

So what do I do?

Survive until 3PM tomorrow. Give this therapist a shot. Don't throw hope away before you've gotten a good grip on it.

Hope is an illusion. I should be perfectly happy with my current circumstances. You know what they say about suffering, it only exists as long as you judge reality.

Kid. For heaven's sake. I know part of you is still fighting really bleeding hard to be a good person, but if you have a problem you don't ignore it because "suffering doesn't really exist!" Come on, Jewel, that's the exact opposite of what you should be doing here!

"Should" is junk too. Who wrote the rules?

I'm going by your gameplan, man, you're the one who wants to overcome this disastrous tar-blackened hellstorm. Denying it isn't going to help anyone. Remember Vezerai in Part Eleven, right?

...

Ahaha, and Dream World comes to the rescue once again. God bless.

I'm not worthy to write that story.

They picked you, kid, not the other way around.

I was never supposed to be a part of the story though. Just an observer. As soon as I started sticking my bloody nose into the script, it fell to pieces. That's a big reason of why I want to die.

Jewel, you can't type anything if you're dead.

Then let me be a point of awareness is all. I'm tired.

I know.

I love them, somehow. Don't know how to define that with no emotions. But despite the utter shame and guilt I feel at having to exist to type their story-- I hate having to bring myself into this-- I care about them. And I hate that too, because it's not about me. Why the hell should it matter how honored I feel to write this? It's NOT ABOUT ME. Laurie some days I sincerely wish this story had been given to someone else so that I could observe it purely without touching and therefore defiling it. Then the rest of the world could love it truly and I would have no ties to it whatsoever.

Then publish it all anonymously.

That's not the point, Laurie, I'm terrified that by virtue of existing, I've tainted the truth of their story. I don't want to be a part of it anymore, if I ever was, stupid asshole assumptions I made as a teenager, "oh I'm so important let's put myself into Part Five!" Shut up. Get your filthy hands off that manuscript and stop pretending you're so stupidly important.

Jewel, shut the heck up.

Why.

Because this isn't you. This is whatever the heck the Tar has blackened you into.

You remember what Roxy said about the alcohol, what Julie said about her problems too. Maybe I've been just this dark all along. Maybe all the tar did was give me an excuse to show it.

Jewel. You've got terminal cancer of the mind.

Terminal, eh?

As long as you don't do anything about it, yeah. That's obvious.

So just let me die.

Do you really want to die, Jewel?

Yes. I'm tired of living an individualized existence. I'm tired of people calling me by names and looking at my face and treating me like some sort of special skeleton. I'm a walking corpse as far as I'm concerned. I'm tired of this, I'm so tired of this, I just want to sleep. Dreams feel more real than anything else nowadays.

Even us?

I never see you in dreams. Why?

I can't find you. You're all over the freakin' place, and I usually don't go looking. I stay in headspace and watch over the literal family you've all but abandoned.

I never asked for one.

Jewel. Don't you dare. You can't just throw these people out.

Watch me. I'm not throwing anyone out. I'm leaving. They're better off without me and you know it, Laur.

Are you even listening to yourself?

Yes. Why do you ask?

Because you're talking nonsense, kid.

What about that is nonsense? I'm a terrible father, and a terrible husband. I hate those labels but you know what I mean. If I wasn't around, they wouldn't have to worry.

Hey, better idea. How about you stop being something to worry about? How about you heal this torment that you're going through so everyone can be happy, for heaven's sake?

I can't think straight, Laurie. What if right now, I don't want to go back? What if I really don't want to 'settle down' and live like that?

Then don't settle down. We can all give you space, you know that. We're fine with it.

You're not fine with my walking out, though.

No, because it's the result of fluctuations. One minute you love us so bleeding much you're in tears. The next, you're shoving us away, walking out the door and declaring that you don't want anything to do with any of us for the rest of your freaking life.

And I mean everything I say in both situations.

Yeah, that's the problem here. You've been doing that splitheart stuff for years but it's never been this blatant or unhindered. Before you always hid things under the rug, sugarcoated it all. Now you spit whatever fire is crawling out of your ribs with just as much rage as boils up with it, no holding back whatsoever.

At least I'm being honest.

That's what bothers me. The fact that that is honesty.

It bothers me though.

Does it now?

Yeah. Every time I try to cut the cords for good, to finally take out the sword and do the job myself, it backfires. Something stays my hand. I can't sever the final ties. I can't even kill you.

Can't even.

Yeah. You remember Tuesday.

That "even" really freakin' bothers me, kid. I don't like the nonchalance that accompanied that sentence.

It's true, Laurie. You know how I get at my absolute worst. Spitting blood and broken teeth, furious with eyes of fire and death. Burning like a shadow ridged with glass shards. I'd tear out your throat, eviscerate you in a heartbeat. Breaking bones and slicing veins. But I can't kill you. When I'm like that, that is big.

I don't recall you coming anywhere close to tearing out my throat either.

Yeah, I tore out my own.

Psychological warfare, I see.

Of course. But that's what I mean. I guess that last paragraph was somewhat untrue. The motivation is there, the intent is there, but if I actually had to...

Slit my throat?

Yeah. I couldn't do it. I'd be right there, full of fury, holding the knife. But then I'd pull back, even without losing an iota of the drive. See what I mean?

So what's keeping you from killing me, kid?

Love.

..Really.

Yeah. Imperceptible, distant, a muted concept, but it's there. Somehow.

And why do you think that is?

Dunno. Maybe it's this destiny concept I think about sometimes. Ties that transcend the idiocy of 3D existence and time.

Speaking of time--

Let's not go there.

No, forget that, we are going there and we are talking about that now.

No.

Why the heck won't you talk about her?

She's the antithesis of this. Some part of me hates her.

Some part of you tried to literally set her on fire last week, yeah.

I had every intention to.

Ah, but you held back there too, didn't you?

It drives me mad!! Why the heck can't I ever carry through on this intention?? Every time I try to kill myself, bam, there it is stopping me from making the last move. Every time I try to throw you out, or Chaos, or whoever the heck else, I can't go through with it all the way. And with her!! Even with her, that-- I couldn't do it. And I TRIED! I tried to hurt her, to treat her like an object, to reduce her to nothing more than garbage in my eyes. I tried to set her on fire, like you said, I was GOING to and I know that I could have if I could have muted that stupid feeble thought of "if I'm not supposed to do this, give me a sign..." and then my freaking boss stepped in and told me several times not to do it, then my MOM stepped in without even freaking knowing what was going on, then I saw 251 on clocks at least three times over the next few days, and just god help me why can't I ever go through with these things??

Because it would throw you entirely out of sync.

Don't talk about sync with me. I don't exist.

I've been in the Blood Lotus Cathedral. Kid, even if you only exist as an idea, which I'd be fine with, guess that? That idea there, the one about killing people and setting girlfriends on fire? That's not you.

The Cathedral was full of tar last week. I'm lost.

No you bloody aren't. Leon was able to put it on pause. Julie tried to drive it out, and I nearly cut that stuff to smithereens. Even Lynne was there for your sake!

And your point is?

My point is that we all know who you really are and we are willing to put our entire lives on the line for your sake--

Why.

Because--

Why the HELL do I have to be the important one around here?? I HATE this, Laurie!!

Kid, listen--

I am not going to listen, shut up, all of you shut up. I'm not important here. Stop turning me into a narcissist. This is why I don't want to exist. Because upstairs, oh, guess who's the freaking system anchor? Me. I hate it. I hate it so much I could spit blood. Too many people care about me, I feel like a freaking Mary Sue at this point, I really wish that you guys didn't consider me this-- this stupid bright thing in your lives or whatever the heck I am to you. Stop caring. I'm not important.

Then who is? Us?

Yeah.

What if I told you not to care about me, huh? You'd probably refute that with just as much vehemence, I assume.

Because you are important, god damn it, you're the one who fights the Tar and keeps everyone else alive and--

For heaven's sake, Jewel, so do you!!

Look at what I've done to you. Look at what I've done!!

Look at what? I don't see anything to blame you for.

Your scars, Laurie, take a look at those and say that I'm important.

You are.

Don't you lie to me.

Would I even have these bloody things if you weren't important?

That's just me being a narcissist and forcing others to suffer for my own selfish decisions--

Jewel, for the love of-- when I swore myself into this job it wasn't on your watch and it sure wasn't your decision for me to carry these scars either. That was all 100% me. I WANTED to deal with this, for your sake.

Why.

Because I told you, you're important to me.

...I could deal with being important to you. But just you. Nobody else.

Why just me?

Because you're the one the Tar hasn't touched. You're okay. You're the shining light up here.

Am I now?

Yeah. That's a fact, Laurie, and you know it.

Tar defilement only mutes lights, kid, you don't shine any less bright as far as I'm concerned. We've just got you stuck under a mountain of that muck right now, s'why you're so bloody lost.

Because I can't see my own light?

Yeah, exactly.

I know that. But you know how I am about not seeing things for a while.

Hence the reason why we're having this conversation.

I'm sick, Laurie.

I told you that earlier, kid.

I'm sick and I'm tired. What's going on?

I'd tell you if I knew. I wish it would quit too.

Do you think I should go back to chopping up the timeline?

Whoa, what the blood are you planning on chopping out now?

All the abuse. All the old shadows and things. Tuesday, even. Delete it all.

Whoa whoa whoa, heck no.

Why the heck not?

Because then you'll go to therapy and say "I don't have any problems!" Kid, those scratches leave scars and you can't erase yours like you erased mine.

...I thought they came back.

They did. But only because you cut new ones. See the rest of my arms here? No scars. Pretty bloody depressing some days, when I realize you've still got 'em, but kid, maybe that can be a source of hope to you. Y'know, seeing that I don't have the old gravemarks anymore.

...Maybe.

Kid, if I could heal yours, I would. I'd erase all that agony.

I could. I told you, I can cut up the timeline.

No you can't.

Yes I can, I did that this morning. It worked, you saw that.

...Yeah, I know. And that's why it's so dangerous for you to be swinging a sword that you pulled out of your own bloody traumatized heart.

Would anything less produce a sword at all, Laurie?

That's the freaking problem. Despite trying to start some very particular forest fires, you're vacillating between a sword and a snowstorm right now, as far as I can see. Unfortunately my money's on the former winning out, as lately you are disturbingly focused on outright destroying events rather than burying them in ice-- like when you walk out the door, and undermine the gentler fires that caused them. But in the end, the problem is your overarching intention to annihilate, in one way or another, the time between you and everyone else.

I was only destroying my relationships because of the events, so yeah.

That's bothering me though.

What, the events? Me too.

No, the fact that the worst events for you weren't the abusive ones. In some sick way I think you would have preferred if they were.

I would have. Then they would have matched. I wouldn't have been confused, and it could have been atoned for.

What, with more bloody graves?

Maybe.

Jewel. Just... listen to me.

What.

Those events you're chopping to pieces? Especially concerning Celebi?

Don't mention her.

I'm mentioning her whether you bloody like it or not. Those events happened because she loved you, and so do the rest of us who were involved in those things.

Don't lie to me.

I'm not.

She's a slut and she should burn for it.

Are you sure you're not projecting?

What are you insinuating?! That I really am a filthy whore like she said I was? I know that already, don't rub it in!!

Jewel, that's not what I'm saying at all.

It's the truth though. The only reason she was able to do that to me was because I deserved it. You know that. I let her go on abusing me for years because I'm apparently just as much of a slut as she was.

See, this is what I was trying to say. It sounds to me like you're projecting self-hatred here.

Don't pull this psychiatrist game on me, shut up.

You want me to be brutal then?? Cool, fine. Give me one bloody good reason why you think you're such a slut.

Because I let her do that to me.

You were confused as heck, Jewel!! You know that! You were battling your own inner demons as well as your parents morality, societal expectations, and then her tar-stained drives on top of it all!

And I lost. I lost and I kept letting her do that to me.

You were barely a teenager for heaven's sake, I don't think you were capable of 'winning' in that state of mind. You didn't know what the heck was happening.

I knew how scared I was. I knew that much. I also knew that everyone and their brother was telling me a different story concerning how I should feel in that situation.

And what did you ultimately choose? To be scared?

I did what she told me to.

Because you were bloody terrified.

That's no justification for what I did.

You do realize what you're insinuating about other people who've been through this, right?

DON'T. Don't even go there, do NOT elevate my stupid fake experiences to something as serious as that--

Jewel, listen, either you shut the heck up and let me talk or I'm leaving this bloody room.

You know I'm right though. My experiences aren't real. I didn't suffer anything.

Yes you bloody did, and stop being so coldhearted about it. Whether you want to admit it or not, you were raped, and this behavior right now is blinding proof that you have some seriously deep scars from it. Are you gonna deny that or what?! The reason you're sick is because you've been letting that huge wound in your psyche fester for a decade now, and you're too bloody convinced that you were never damaged to even try and heal it!!

...There is no wound.

Yes there is. I am looking right at it.

Have I become the damage, then?

I think you have. You're in psychological septic shock, boy.

...

Don't you dare lie to this therapist. I swear on my honor I will shove you out of the bloody driver's seat and talk to him myself if you so much as consider burying this for another ten years.

I'm tired.

So I've heard.

I know I'm sick. And I do feel septic, now that you mention it. That's a good analogy.

Yeah, no kidding.

...I still am terrified that none of it is real though.

It's as real as I am. That real enough for you?

...

Hits hard when I put it that way, huh.

...It does.

So. Back to Celebi.

Why do we keep bringing her up.

Why the blood do you hate her??

Because I'm acutely uncomfortable around her.

That's no bloody reason to hate someone, sheesh.

It's what she does. It's what she freaking does. I can't deal with her.

Look, kid... this is why you need to get help in healing from the abuse history. Celebi has not hurt you, not once. But you are bloody convinced that she has.

Yeah, she has hurt me pretty badly as far as I'm concerned.

Give me an example.

No way.

Give me a bloody example or I'll start listing them myself.

...She cares too much.

Define "cares."

She loves me, okay? And I am not comfortable with it at all.

Because she's a girl?

If she were a boy I'd still be having this problem.

Not as badly though. Or is that because you'd only ever date gay guys?

It's late and I need to get to sleep.

Don't you freaking dare bail on me, answer the bleeding question.

What question?

What the heck has she done to make you hate her so much? Specifically?

...

She's trying to heal you is what she's doing.

Shut up. No she's not.

Yes she is.

I have a headache and I want to go to sleep.

You don't want to face this reality is what you're really saying.

No, I don't! I really don't want to talk about this!!

Why the heck not?

You don't know what it's like to be treated like I was. You've never felt that pain, that terror, that confusion and horrible shame and rage and whatever the heck else. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel anything anymore. I don't want you to know what that's like. I don't want anyone to ever know what that's like, it's hellish, no one deserves that.

Then why the blood are you saying you haven't suffered enough?

Because I haven't. As long as someone else has been through more hell than I have, I have no right to complain.

That is one hell of a twisted and malformed mindset, kid.

You see my point though?

I see you having internalized some seriously screwed-up lies is what I see.

I don't want her near me.

You know you can always just tell her that you're not comfortable with that.

It's too late. The damage is done. And I have told her. The problem is I'm the one who instigated this hell in the first place, don't you remember???

...Oh. Shoot. That's what you're externalizing.

Yeah. Promiscuity as a result of abuse, even the fake kind. How screwed up is that?

Where did that even come from?

The destruction of my understanding of morality. "If that's supposed to be a good thing, then how the heck did I suffer so much from it?" Self-hatred and shame and terror all fusing together into unadulterated burning hatred and concentrated into the very same cursed thing that caused it in the first place. I wanted to kill myself but I couldn't, so I chose the next best thing.

Psychological suicide.

You bet.

And now look at you.

Hey, it worked, didn't it? Now I'm a hollowed-out shell.

I've gotta get you back somehow.

Laurie, this isn't me. What's going on?

Kid, I don't know.

What's with this black and white hate/love thing? I can't kill you guys because I can't let go of the honest compassion I've got towards all of you. It's always there! Let the fury slip for even a moment and I can tune right back in. You know that.

Yeah, pretty darn well I'll add.

What's wrong with me?

You're just... really freaking sick is all. But I'll cure this disease for you. I swear I will if it's the last thing I ever do.

Don't kill yourself trying to save me. It's not worth it. Ever. For any reason.

I won't, kid, I know very well how that would affect you.

Thank you.

...Can I quote some Doctor Who at you?

Sure.

"...In nine hundred years of time and space and I've never met anybody who wasn't important before."

Heh.

It's true, kid.

Maybe.

It is, whether you like it or not, and I also swear I will not rest until you believe that truth. Got it?

Yeah.

You sure?

Yeah, I know you don't break your promises.

Good. Hey, uh, one more quote before we go.

Hm?

Some things are worth getting your heart broken for.

...You did that on purpose.

I sure did. Now are you going to get some sleep or do I have to freakin' chase you to do that too?

Are we done here?

For now. You're too bloody tired and I'm honestly too exhausted from the past few weeks to recap anything more at this hour. We'll talk more tomorrow night if you want.

Maybe. I miss talking to you.

Do you now? Even like this?

Yeah. I guess that says something too.

It does. Thanks, kid.

Man, have we ever changed...

Since when?

Since this journal started. Man. It's been nuts.

Yeah, but we've changed for the better, you realize. We're all wiser, stronger, kinder, brighter... we've been through some seriously dark times but hey, look at how much we've grown because of it.

Heh, yeah. Guess this is just another mountain to climb, huh?

You bet, we're gonna scale it like a boss. Ain't never met a problem I couldn't solve.

Well, I will hold you to that, love. This is a pretty big one. It's the Everest of personal problems.

I couldn't care less if it were Olympus Mons. If its for you I will get us over and past this mountain no matter what it takes, aiite?

Okay.

I said aiite, not okay. Don't you bloody censor yourself.

Haha, aiite.

Heh. See, we've got you smiling. That, for me, means today was not a waste. Totally worth it for that right there.

And that laugh earlier.

Well of course. Kid, I don't know if you care or if you'd even want to, but no matter what you say about it, you will always be the most important thing in my life. You got that?

...I do. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with some days though.

Why?

I just... the whole self-identity thing bothers me. I have problems with being so important in headspace. To everyone. I don't like it.

Why the heck not? We're important to you.

I know, but... that's spread out, to all of you. It's not all focused on one person.

Kid, you do realize that we're all important to each other up here?

Yeah, but look at me!! Just... just look at just you and Chaos for heaven's sakes. You love me. You love me so much it hurts to even think about. Why is that only pointed towards me?

Hey, I don't choose who loves who, man, and the both of us have spent a heck of a lot of time with you. Love tends to spring out of situations like that. Tons of mutual trust and understanding and all.

But...

But you have a problem when you're involved, right?

...Right.

Kid, we have got to get over that.

I know. I don't know how though.

We don't need all the answers right off the bat, geez, that would defeat the purpose of all this. The journey's pretty important too, y'know, not just the destination.

The process, not just the solution.

Same bleedin' thing, but yeah.

All right.

All right what? All right you'll believe what I said and be a little less harsh on yourself?

All right to everything. I love talking to you, things always get figured out. I'll try to keep myself under control tomorrow. I don't want any more insane violent outbursts. I really am tired.

Then get to sleep, because so am I, and neither of us can rest as long as we're still in this session.

True.

I love you, Jewel, Now get your sorry self to bed.

Hey, wait.

Wait what?

Why aren't those words registering the way they usually do?

Because you're still having trouble aiming them back towards yourself. Get over that, and it'll all click into place. We'll work on it, kid.

Yeah... I wish I could just... you know. Slice up the clocks and have it all just magically fit back together. No problems, no pain.

You gotta be careful with those timelines though, kid. Slice too much, and there can be some pretty disastrous consequences.

...The time machine is an illusion.

Huh?

Explodingdog. It's from my favorite comic of theirs. This one.

Heh. Yeah, that's pretty perfect, I'd say.

I should print it out and tape it to my computer or something. Get it on a shirt. Make a poster. Just to remind myself of it all the time.

Maybe. I still say you should get some sleep first though.

Yeah, I do have school tomorrow...

You doing okay with that? I know classes are hard for you.

It is tricky. But I'm trying. I'm doing what I can, with what I have. Just... spoons. I don't have enough of them sometimes, and I feel so damn guilty saying that.

Don't be. You can't judge yourself by everyone else's criteria. You have legitimate troubles, stop denying that.

But it's selfish.

How the heck is it selfish? Jewel, you know you're sick, this isn't easy for you whether you like it or not!!

But my family doesn't want me to be sick. My condition is such a burden on them. They always tell me I can't be sad, I can't be angry, I can't do this or feel this or whatever. And it confuses me when I wake up in the afternoon, practically unable to get out of bed because I literally feel like dying, and then my grandmother comes in saying "you can't feel like that, get up." Is it that immoral to be upset? Shouldn't I just shove this under the rug and keep smiling?

No, because that's called lying and Genesis gets just as angry as I do when you do that.

But I don't want to hurt anyone with this.

You're hurting yourself when you ignore it.

...Does that even matter?

It matters to me. It matters to me, and Genesis, and Chaos, and your daughter. It matters to all of us, and don't you dare say that you "shouldn't matter." You do, so you've gotta deal with it.

...That's not as depressing as I thought it would be.

Good. Now get to bed already, Chaos is probably wondering where you are.

Okay...

You got something to say?

Heh, maybe.

If you've got something to say, you spill it.

What did you say after that...

Can't remember, kiddo.

I think it was the implied eyebrow raise, actually.

*does so*

Haha, there's the asterisks!

And then there's our favorite quote of all time, courtesy of myself.

Yeah.

There's so much love for you up here, kid. Don't ever forget that.

I won't. I don't think I can.

Yeah, I do believe we've discussed that point to heaven and back already.

Probably.

We gonna call it quits on this crucible of a session now or what?

That's a good idea, yeah.

Fantastic. See you upstairs, then.

Love you too.

Heh. There it is.

I can never keep that buried for very long.

Good. First step towards recovery, right there.

This is going to be one heck of a mountain, geez.

Yeah, but look at it this way, kid.

Hm?

Just think of the view we're going to have from the top.