prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 100522 (Reply)

post-breakfast//

Breakfast was mostly corrective/ instructive. The eggs were lovely-- INSTANT hose company memories w/ ketchup-- BUT we only grabbed ONE ketchup, and that "mistake" made us dissociate; we struggled to even taste the rest of the eggs. But I tried & prayed! They just have a VERY light taste, so it is actually normally tough to "grasp" when dealing w/ distractions. But the memory data IS solidifying, thank You God! Unfortunately our HUGE MISTAKE was the french toast. We started fine, BUT nerves caused us to lapse into bizarre behaviors, and we put creamer AND soymilk on the toast, EVEN though JESUS SAID DON'T!! BUT HERE'S THE TROUBLE-- we always wondered, "why don't we obey?" And TODAY, we realized-- when we're anxious/ disturbed by "mistakes," we GET LOST IN EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, and when that happens, THOUGHTS BECOME NOISE, AND UNRELIABLE!! So the emotional turmoil OVERRIDES "LOGIC" & REASON, because we CAN'T DISCERN EITHER PROPERLY in that state! Therefore, EVEN internal "don't do it!!" warnings are DISREGARDED, but UNWILLINGLY-- we SENSE the threat & danger & FEAR the choice/ action/ consequences, BUT DO IT ANYWAY because we're ALREADY SHAKEN/ SCARED AND "DESPAIRING"-- to us, even ONE mistake instantly PREVENTS SUCCESS & DOOMS US TO FAILURE, so "making MORE mistakes" not only feels INEVITABLE but almost OBLIGATORY?? Like the very concept of "NOT making that predicted, and therefore "GUARANTEED" mistake, is incomprehensible; our current "reality" has now been redefined AS "failure" so ALL actions "MUST" fit the bill?? To HAVE obeyed, and said "OK, I won't do that BECAUSE You're implying it would be unwise/ improper/ harmful," would actually have REQUIRED us to have been in a REASONABLE STATE OF MIND-- ONE THAT COULD HOPE FOR, AND BELIEVE IN, HEALTH & PEACE & WELLBEING! But we felt "DOOMED" to make further mistakes; "the first domino had fallen," so there was "no point" in picking one back up: the "whole thing" was wrecked; the WHOLE was TAINTED/ CORRUPTED by the single drop of poison. So we just... put the creamer on the toast anyway, BIZARRELY "hoping against hope" that the moisture would soften it & "soothe" us in the process? Which leads into our next three points: (1) "DISORDERED/ IMPROPER" BEHAVIOR ALWAYS ENDS BADLY!!! Yes, we DID have hope that it'd work well, and potentially it might have, but ON THE UNIT, SUCH "IMPROPER" USE OF CREAMER IS VERY MUCH DISOBEDIENT TO UNIT BEHAVIOR RULES!!! Which can be VERY hard for us to accept in certain situations like this, where the "added moisture" would potentially make a food MUCH easier AND/OR less disturbing to eat!! BUT THE GUILT IS CRUSHING. We know that "if we were CAUGHT," we would be UNBEARABLY ASHAMED & HUMILIATED, AND GUILTY OF REBELLIOUS BEHAVIOR! We ARE NOT an exception to the rules!! But oh man I've gotta admit we are STUBBORNLY TEMPTED to STILL dump creamers over the Saturday rice bowl, because THAT MADE IT PALATABLE last weekend when we WERE ACTIVELY STRUGGLING TO COPE WITH NEW TRAUMA, and the taste/ texture shift GENUINELY HELPED, both to chew it AND in making it "SOFT/SWEET" to, conceptually, soothe our crying frightened child of a mind deeply shaken. AND IT HELPED. So... we feel VERY torn, even if foolishly, between "creamer is ONLY to be put into coffee or tea," and 'I WANT to put creamer into the rice because AT HOME it would be both ALLOWED AND HELPFUL; besides, Indian recipes OFTEN add sweeter coconut milks & creams to their rice dishes!!" Still... at the absolute bitter core of it, the choice comes down to OBEY THE CONTEXTUAL RULES or BREAK THOSE RULES & SELF-INDULGE. "Do the RIGHT thing, EVEN if no one is looking." But GOD is ALWAYS looking; and HE KNOWS your TRUE motivation, beneath all the excuses & petty, vain "justifications": put bluntly, in this dilemma, my temptation is to prioritize pleasure over sacrifice. I want sweet rice, not savory rice, EVEN THOUGH THAT'S the kind GOD GAVE ME to eat!!! Who am I to brazenly insist on my own way, on special treatment??? I'm dust!! I'm a wretched worm!! I'm grumbling about taste & texture, complaining about the desert's limitations, EVEN THOUGH GOD IS MIRACULOUSLY FEEDING, PROTECTING, GUIDING, AND SAVING ME!! I'm blinding myself TO those blessed miracles by foolishly fixating on rice and coffee creamer. What an idiot I'm being. God forgive me. Boy oh boy I am being VERY LOVINGLY CHASTISED today!!! I'm SORELY humbled, but I'm regaining my sight down here, sheltered from the hot air of pride, here in the SHADOW of God's protective wings. I couldn't even fit under them before, puffing myself up all proud & stiff-necked. But now... I'm like a feeble baby bird. I've realized my own wings aren't developed yet, and I'm too uneducated AND weak to fly yet. Honestly I'm happier here, close to God, contrite for having been so silly & trying to do things on my own, not having ANY right judgment on my own, getting scorched & sick, humiliated & ashamed. But God still welcomes me back with open arms & a smile when I return to Him with a humbled heart. Obedience is best, and WISE, for the LIFE of both my body & soul. And it is ONLY through WILLINGLY CHOOSING to both make AND endure little "deaths" of self-sacrifice & mortification-- tiny Crosses, splinters of His Own-- that I can PARTICIPATE IN AND RECEIVE FORGIVENESS FOR MY DISOBEDIENCE, AND A NEW LIFE LIVED BOTH IN AND FOR HIM!! I can JOYFULLY OFFER UP MY LITTLE MORTIFICATIONS IN UNION WITH HIS, which is an INCOMPREHENSIBLE HONOR, allowing my pain & inconvenience & self-denial to be INFUSED WITH HOLY PURPOSE & POWER, as they are then MADE PART OF CHRIST'S REDEMPTIVE WORK! He ALLOWS AND ENCOURAGES US to "fill up what is lacking" in the Suffering of His Body, as it was then limited by time & space, but IN US, THE CHURCH, that SAME sacrifice of the Cross BECOMES TANGIBLY ETERNAL & OMNIPRESENT!!! How could I EVER disdain such an honor, such a blissful opportunity?? Choosing the SELF-DENIAL of NOT putting creamer in food, however "paltry" it may seem, is STILL a mortification of my own emotional compulsions, and WILL require a SOLID EFFORT OF WILL-- something ONLY POSSIBLE THROUGH GRACE!!! So PRAY for that Grace, AND for a heart humble, open, SOFT & SWEET enough TO BOTH RECEIVE & ACT ON THAT GRACE!!!
On that note, (2) FRENCH TOAST IS STILL TRIGGERING US?? Looking at what data we have, a BIG part of that IS the harder the texture this kind has, AND I THINK I KNOW WHY-- because AT HOME, as a child, "SAFE" french toast would either be on ROUND ITALIAN BREAD or FLUFFY TEXAS TOAST... and both would ALWAYS be SOFT & WET from the steam and the butter! The ONLY TIMES we EVER had "regular sliced bread" french toast were IN NORTH CAROLINA, AND DURING BINGES-- and yes, in BOTH cases, THEY WERE HARD. So THAT explains WHY our poor bedraggled brain FAVORED EMOTION OVER OBEDIENCE and "wet" the toast; IT WAS TRYING TO PREVENT THAT TRAUMA RESPONSE, and instead REMEMBER CHILDHOOD COMFORTS. There was just ONE seemingly insignificant factor we overlooked, never guessing how HUGE it actually was... (3) TASTE MATTERS. This one BLINDSIDED us. We SOMEHOW overlooked the ADDITIONAL childhood-memory fact that we ALWAYS had POWDERED SUGAR on our hyperbuttered french toast... NEVER SYRUP!!! Now by itself that's just a distinction; BUT!! The INSTANT we put it on the breakfast today & TASTED it? SHEER PANIC. We did NOT expect that! But the ketchup "mistake" had made our mind vulnerable, so it's not surprising something distressing was now ABLE to surface. Syrup is a BINGE FOOD first & foremost, so that anxiety makes sense, BUT there were TWO MORE TRAUMA TRIGGERS??? First was the taste of syrup PLUS CINNAMON-- somehow that spiked the nerves? But the WORST was SYRUP + BUTTER-- we IMMEDIATELY got PANCAKE TERROR??? Like LEGIT TRAUMA-GRADE fear!!! The very THOUGHT of eating pancakes with syrup makes us ACTUALLY WANT TO VOMIT. And there is GOOD REASON why, judging by the FACTS that we've had MULTIPLE experiences where "pancakes" = oil fires, fire alarms, horrific burns/ spills, and FILTHY frying pans; PLUS typically pancakes would be THICK AS GLUE, bitter as baking soda, and DROWNING IN SYRUP. I CANNOT think of a SINGLE non-traumatic pancake incident; EVERY time we'd eat one, we would be TREMBLING, TERRIFIED, & IN TEARS. Notably, the ONLY "positive" pancake experience we've EVER had was in a DRAMATICALLY separate context: sneaking broken pieces off of COLD pancakes, saranwrapped in the refrigerator, as a guilty child-- and ONLY the chocolate chip kind!! Plain, blueberry, cranberry, raisin, AND banana kinds are ALL SCARY!!! HONESTLY I wonder if the ONLY REASON chocolate chip ones were "safe" is because we ate them AS COOKIES! We NEVER ate them with utensils, and they were ALWAYS cold and "stiff"-- NOT warm or wet or soft! Those qualities are ESSENTIAL for french toast, but LETHAL for pancakes-- on that note, THAT may have set off the french toast panic?? Because THEY were dangerous WHEN COLD!! And the ones on today's plate WERE-- cold, hard, & dry! STILL, on their own, they NEVER gave the SHEER AMOUNT OF FEAR & DREAD that the syrup did today. That has me so confused, because it is EXACERBATED by being paired with not just butter, but ALSO the cinnamon, and maybe nutmeg? But specifically the "french toast" taste! Why so?? Is it just too close of a pancake analog, that tasting syrup ON french toast is "wrong"?? OR DID WE HAVE A BINGE TRAUMA WITH SYRUP ON FRENCH TOAST, TOO??? Would THAT do it? Because honestly I'm ALSO unsure on whether or not SYRUP on its own COUNTS as trauma food, because I DID taste some plain today, but... no immediate flashbacks??? Just "autumn = maple" associations. Which is BIZARRE, because even IMAGINING THE TASTE OF SYRUP MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE. But is that because MOST of my memories of it are AS IT IN A COMBINATION?? Like on pancakes, or in beans or something? And THAT is nauseating. But "just maple" isn't scary?? I DON'T "like" it; that I must admit, BUT geez WHY am I even scared of the WORD "MAPLE"?? It legit gives me the shakes!! Actually, HOW MUCH OF THAT IS "HARVEST FEAR"??? Consider that, BUT please ALSO consider that there is the tiniest bit of syrup still on my hands and WHENEVER I catch that scent, I INSTANTLY GET PANCAKE VISUALS!!! Like the two have become INEXTRICABLE in sensory memory?? And pancakes are LEGIT TERRIFYING... unless they are COLD with chocolate chips, haha. That is SO WEIRD, ESPECIALLY since CHOCOLATE ITSELF is a HUGE trauma food, arguably the WORST!! But context is powerful, and for SOME REASON, COLD CHOCOLATE CHIPS don't immediately register AS chocolate??? Partly the temp/ texture change, partly the bittersweet taste?? No clue. Gosh this is all so tangled. I'm only trying so hard to UNTANGLE it so that, by UNEARTHING/ REVEALING the roots, we CAN ease out those knots through patience & WISDOM gained through KNOWLEDGE & UNDERSTANDING, and in doing so, enable our soul & mind to HEAL & GROW AGAIN. I want to be free. But you CAN'T just "turn off" trauma; nor can it be suppressed, denied, belittled, or rejected without DISASTROUS CONSEQUENCES. Trauma, EVEN weirdass food trauma like this, is a REAL PSYCHOLOGICAL WOUND that REQUIRES CAREFUL, PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE HEALING, and that process is UNIQUE to every soul, as it inevitably corresponds to both HOW one was wounded, and BY WHAT. If I was somehow "wounded" by pancakes & syrup BEING PART OF A TRAUMA-- the food, in and of itself, IS AND WAS HARMLESS & INNOCENT-- then I MUST ACCEPT THAT trauma response AS REAL & LEGITIMATE BEFORE IT CAN BE HEALED!!!
On that note, again. Syrup DOES seem to turn my stomach, in and of itself! I think it's just the simple sugars? Perhaps-- but I cannot deny that the SHEER BRUTE FORCE of "pancake panic" that hit/ is hitting me is NOT easing the nausea, haha. So right now I can't objectively tell whether or not this sick feeling & urge to vomit is from the syrup in a physical way, or in an emotional way. Could be both! But I ALSO have both prayer & Mylanta to combat it, ahaha, so we're golden. Which is VERY GOOD TO KNOW because LUNCH IS DOUBLE CHOCOLATE! BUT!!! EVEN in that, I'm actually tearing up because GOD IS SO MERCIFUL & GENTLE WITH ME. I was PLANNING to tackle the chocolate milk at lunch, BUT God apparently decided that wouldn't be smart on top of this syrup stress, so He CHANGED it to a chocolate pudding (safest chocolate option!) and a chocolate SHAKE 'EM UP. So I have been granted REST from my efforts, WITHOUT removing my efforts!! THANK YOU GOD. ♥ Now I've gotta STOP & PRAY so that, by God's grace, I CAN meet that challenge!! ♥
(One last note: we are HEARTBROKEN that we can't have "GRANDMA'S" vanilla pudding today. BUT. We lifted that up in prayerful surrender, wanting to heal & be courageous-- we COULDN'T enjoy "her" pudding if we KNEW we were "running away" TO do so-- and almost heard her say, "I already know you love me; the pudding won't change that, and you don't need to "prove it" that way. But you CAN prove your trust in God, AND your willingness to more fully love & forgive MY DAUGHTER-- by eating the chocolate pudding with JUST AS MUCH tenderness & gratitude today. Have faith in God's plan and surrender to His merciful Will; He allows this to teach you an even deeper, more complete love & trust, for the truest healing & salvation of your soul. Don't worry about me! I already love you, too. There's nothing to be sad about." So here we go!!

post-lunch//

+ The chocolate pudding DID taste JUST LIKE Mom's desserts! And the Shake 'em Up WASN'T SCARY AT ALL; I actually ENJOYED it, even though it tastes quite unique!! It's not bad at all-- and I'm HONESTLY learning, through all this courageous effort, that maybe... chocolate itself ISN'T BAD, either. What a thought. What a beautiful thought. That's... LIBERATING, to my very soul. Chocolate is an ANCIENT fear food, one I even HATED, and even damned as EVIL!! To be PROVING THAT WRONG is not only FREEING MY HEART from that horrible judgmental bias, but it's ALSO glorifying GOD-- proving that EVEN the WORST fears-- and sinners!!-- CAN BE REDEEMED!!! ♥

post-snack//

It was a challenge night!! I tried BOTH the DORITOS & the CHOCOLATE SUNDAE! And, blessed be God, they were BOTH GOOD!! Admittedly, yes there WERE some little "tough spots," but they were SO minor it surprised me! The Doritos have a "corn chip" anxiety, very little, tied to old memories of stale/ dusty tortilla chips at the house, corn taco messes, and TBAS shaming us for eating THEIR chips/ us bingeing on corn tortillas at night. But God knows we want to LET THAT GO, AND FORGIVE. It's really ONLY possible through LOVE, and God ALSO knows we NEED HIS GRACE TO DO THAT-- we honestly want to love them, BUT the "LAST time" we loved them it nearly KILLED us-- they were ACTIVELY CORRUPTING OUR CONSCIENCE, and we were just nosediving into the eating disorder to cope with the trauma/ powerlessness/ isolation/ loss of self/ etc. We DID love them. Just, after all that terror, we're not sure HOW to STILL love them SAFELY, without damaging our soul again. GOD knows, though. Jesus knows better than ANYONE, EVER. We'll talk to Him in prayer about it. But yes! Thankfully, despite the shame/ anxiety "aura" that corn chips have, we DO like them, ultimately? And the nacho taste was actually kinda nice! AND we DIDN'T GET SICK OR DIRTY!!! Thank You God!!! ♥ So we're gonna try 'em again tomorrow-- WITH the ice cream, which tastes like BOTH childhood Valentine's day chocolate, AND how Hershey Park smells! So it's positive AND anxious. We'll work on visiting the memories & healing that anxiety, once we find its roots (probably social attention + park helplessness). God will help us. ♥ See you tomorrow!!