prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with author:iscah

060917

things to do over this special weekend:

- make mix CDs for mom, grandma, the boys, dad, & Jessie! ♥
- GO TO THE MOVIES and EAT CHEESE FRIES w/ GENESIS
- go out to eat w/ grandma & grandpa
- give ALL book boxes back to St. Johns
- ORDER & BUY NEW CLOTHES = reflect your heart!!
- buy ONE "challenge meal"? OR, one "celebratory" meal? (healed!)
- go to ONE restaurant by yourself?

★LOOK UP COOL PLACES IN HERSHEY
★PLAN WHAT TO BACK FOR THE TIME AT CIOCI ANN'S

★SYSTEM PLAYLISTS + CDS
(ALL relevance/ resonance; even old stuff)

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061117 DBT emotion regulation

emotions = try not to LABEL; it's how you USE/ MANAGE them!
(think of the Spectrum!)

★ emotional "numbness" = VERY PROBLEMATIC!!
★ emotions "triggered" by CONTEXT/ ENVIRONMENT

★ emotional vulnerability is VITAL to REALLY LIVE
but you also have to be PRUDENT.
vulnerability is only scary if it's tied to helplessness.
but vulnerability can also be a HUGE boon to STRENGTH!!!

★ HEALTHY CATHARSIS!!!
find outputs for emotions that you "don't know how" to express verbally, or that you can't handle safely w/o overwhelm?

ANGER= exercise, sports, sparring?
- physically "spend" the anger as fuel

SADNESS= sad movies w/ HAPPY ENDINGS
- express it, "safe crying," then SOOTHE

ANXIETY= short term "it's OK" reassurances? "not as scary as it seems"

MANIA=

CONFUSION=

DESPAIR= Scripture, Laurie quotes

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Jun. 11th, 2017 08:26 pm

Sooner or later, I'm going to be discharged, and I'll be going back to the family home. But here's the big concern: I JUST got off the phone with them, and EVEN NOW, after about 2 weeks of radio silence and deep personal introspection AND intensive future planning... even now, I am downright frightened at the thought of returning. I feel like, once I step back into that house, ALL my progress here will be put on ice. Frozen. Inaccessible. And THAT is deeply terrifying. My dad really isn't too keen on the idea of my possibly staying with him for a while. I'm going to have to pray quite ardently about this housing issue, because God knows I am legitimately scared. The family home is still cluttered, still cramped, still stuffed full of trauma-memory and dark corners and stagnant air. The living room is still off limits. I can't play the piano. I can't play Nier or Dishonored or even Sonic, and that hurts my heart. The paradoxically blissful college mornings of silence & freedom, all by myself, are gone. But maybe now I can do even better. I'm going to use this frustration and sad-fear to motivate me. I'm gonna make a change, sooner or later, for my HEALTH AND HAPPINESS, and I WILL move forwards. I'm just going to pray, follow that guidance, and as soon as God opens that door, I'm moving out. I don't care if all I have is 2 rooms and a bathroom; I'll treasure it. I'll keep it bright and safe. I'll MAKE a Good Future for myself, whatever it takes, God willing. (And He is. I just need to trust HIS plans for me even/especially in this.) I can't rent with my brother, not like he is now. His mental state is FAR too unstable, and I cannot healthily live with that, for both our sakes. But... I keep thinking about what Laurie said to me the other night. "YOU." .so on and so forth. But... what if, by the grace of God, she IS right? What if, after 8 weeks gone, my return home somehow shifts EVERYTHING for the better, at long last? ...But I'm scared. If they... I... let's be blunt. I still can't eat safely in that house. Not as I am now.
But maybe I'm the sole deciding factor in THAT, too. Maybe that will be the BIGGEST test of my strength, my courage, my determination, my Love... to be in such an "inhospitable to healing" environment, and CHALLENGE that, COMPLETELY... and win.

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061217 DBT Distraction

★burning coal analogy = pick it up barehanded, or with gloves!
- the GLOVES are distraction techniques!
- the COAL is a distressing situation!
★YOUR "prove I'm strong" instinct is to do it BAREHANDED.
but remember-- sure, you can, but it WILL BURN.
so take that into account, dude.
if you can't handle the pain, don't risk it, please.
if you're already covered in burns, don't make it worse.

★"A.C.C.E.P.T.S."

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061317 SELF ESTEEM ★humility + compassion + hope + courage

("whether you believe you can or cannot… you're right!")

★SELF ESTEEM IS NOT "PRIDE!"

★don't discount the positives-- THEY are what's REAL!

★SELF = INTERNAL

"you are NOT what happened to you/ what you struggle with"

1) ALL have infinite/eternal worth as people
2) ALL are equally worthy of value, despite differences

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061517

RECOVERY PLANNING = TIME MANAGEMENT!

★recovery is INTERNAL & EXTERNAL! and CONTINUAL!

★EXPECT SLIPS; but get back up & continue even stronger than before!

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TIME= not too busy OR too bored, so to speak!

★LEARN TO SAY "NO" when a "yes" would be unhealthy AT THAT TIME!!

★PRIORITIZING: wants vs NEEDS!
"what is TRULY important in my life?"

★needs = SURVIVAL; health of body, mind, AND soul
- food, rest, hygiene, shelter, etc.
- emotional stability, mental healthy, relapse prevention, etc.
- career, finances, education, etc.

★REALISTIC to-do lists; tangible goals, sense of accomplishment/ progress
★DELEGATION: let others help you! ★HUMILITY/ LOVE/ APPRECIATION
★you CAN'T do EVERYTHING; sometimes to properly meet NEEDS, you HAVE to let others do some of the things you feel YOU must do

★FREE TIME/ EXTRA TIME: reduce stress & just be!!
★REMEMBER CHRISTMAS 2013!! ♥ THAT'S good freetime use!

★HEALTHY stress relief: you're ALLOWED to take time to do those things!! ♥
★fit prudently INTO schedule!!

~KNOW THYSELF!~

"Do the MOST with your time in the HEALTHIEST way!!"

★OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION = if it needs to be done, DO IT!

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061617 DBT =

RATIONAL MIND = Decisions based on FACTS, not FEELINGS!!!
★judges, lawyers, etc.

WISE MIND = considers BOTH minds!!

★emotional mind's biggest gift is EMPATHY! wise mind gives it PRUDENCE!!

"HOW" SKILLS: being mindful in a crisis

1) non-judgmental
- if we don't have the big picture, we tend to ASSUME?
- can be POSITIVE or NEGATIVE = labels; not always true!
- AS FACTUAL AS POSSIBLE! "same conclusion from different people" (describing a chair)

2) be one-mindfully
- focus on ONE THING at a time IN THE MOMENT!
- vigilance for YOUR sake AND others!

3) effectiveness
- what works for ME? POSITIVELY/ HEALTHILY!!

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DON'T THINK DISTORTEDLY!!!

Problem: scared of going home // horribly depressed at home

1) specific reasons WHY the problem exists

- scared of cramped, cluttered, dark environment
- no space to "call my own"
- lots of noise and virtually impossible to find quiet
- minimal access to safe coping skills/ activities
- feeling trapped, stagnant, "swept up"
- lots of traumatic-memory triggers, esp. environmental
- hyperfocus OR ostracization from family
- feel hopeless, futureless, aimless, lost
- overwhelmed by family/ church responsibilities
- feel obligated to/ dependent on serving family
- I'm just miserable there for some reason
- prone to E.D. & S.A. behaviors as a result
- unable to express myself genuinely w/o threat, danger
- high-stress, anxious, angry, noisy environment

2) possible solutions

- MOVE OUT
- isolate self outdoors? (impractical)
- spend less time AT home: travel (need $$ though, AND places to sleep/ work creatively)
- go back to school & dorm? (need $$)
- make friends & stay with them?
★ stay with dad instead/ temporarily?
- look into shelters & such
★ TELL FAM WHY I'M UPSET SO WE CAN ALL WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW, HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT!!!

★would you STILL be scared if, theoretically, the family had "moved into a different house?"

· NO = no environmental trauma triggers, possible own room/ open space/ light, NO CLUTTER, NO HOARDS

· YES = still living w/ anxious & noisy & angry people, and that seems to be the main factor?
BUT!!
-grandma would be MUCH HAPPIER in a clean house
- my bros would be MUCH HAPPIER with their own spaces & privacy
- viral would probably also benefit greatly from "non-trauma" environment

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061717 CBT =

3-Step thought records! (situation/ thought/ feeling/ rating)

★ write down thoughts = KEEP TRACK & STAY COHERENT = once written, they leave your head
★ pinpoint "what thought STARTED all of this?"
★ allows for thought-by-thought discretion: CHALLENGE them; distorted or True?
★ if DISTORTED, do the 5-step TRANSMUTE/HEAL process

DISTORTION = falsehood assumed to be truth; BODY IMAGE especially here = "FUNHOUSE MIRROR"
- assumptions based on negativity being viewed as "facts"
★ FEEL AWFUL; perpetuate vice, block virtues
★COMMUNICATION/ COMPASSION CONQUER THEM!!

★DISTORTIONS★
1) ALL OR NOTHING (no grey)
2) OVERGENERALIZATION (pattern)
3) MENTAL FILTER (dark glasses)
4) DISCOUNTING POSITIVE (no worth to)
5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
6) CATASTROPHIZING (worst end)
7) SHOULD/SHOULDN'T (obligation)

★LOTS OF "PERFECTIONISM" ROOTS: PRIDE, FEAR, DESPAIR, SELFCONSCIOUS
★VIRTUES CONQUER THEM ALL! LOVE, FORGIVENESS, HOPE, JOY! +

Jun. 17th, 2017 09:30 am = day 5.

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a strawberry pop tart, a blueberry pop tart, green chai tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. This breakfast is a total sugar rush, but at least it has a sweet heart. ("Fitting for your last day," Laurie says, "'cause you do, too.") Also, Nikki was awesome as usual and gave me the soymilk warm, so I got the full lovely unhindered flavor of it. ♥ Honestly, it really is essentially "vanilla cake" without the cake. I enjoyed it immensely, as I have every morning of the past eight weeks, and I'm so grateful that this final opportunity WAS so perfectly nice... that silky light flow, that sweet yellow-vanilla hue over the inherent balancing matte-white soy taste, the comfortingly optimistic & childlike mood of the whole thing.

Lunch= grilled chicken on a wheat bun w/ lettuce & tomato, broccoli cheese soup, vanilla VHC, decaf black tea, and a chocolate syrup mini-sundae. Now we've REALLY come full circle! That sundae was the first food they offered me on this unit, and now, it was the last thing. And, this meal was a perfect ending, too-- meat, wheat, cheese, milk, chocolate, corn syrup even. All my beloved friends now. ♥ The burger was perfect, and I paid total attention to it-- the crisp fresh lettuce & lively sweet tomato, the wholesome & complex but comforting flavor of the wheat bun-- God alone really knows how DEEPLY GRATEFUL I am that I can not only happily, fearlessly eat wheat, but that I legit ENJOY and LOVE it-- and the juicy rich light-meaty taste of the chicken, covered in herbs & with lovely little nibs of fat at the edges. All together, it was really visually pretty-- brown & reddish pink & grass green & that uniquely light pinkish-white-brown hue of the chicken, with little golden accents-- I adore color, and the way God has so wondrously & creatively used color in food, ESPECIALLY from an artistic standpoint, is absolutely awe-inspiring & beautiful to me. So is the blessed phenomenon of taste, which I can FINALLY bless in return through respectful love & appreciation for God within it-- the Artist who painted EVERYTHING into existence-- the Creator who dreamed everything into Being-- the Author whose Words describe and shape every atom of the universe.

(no dinner or snack entries)

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7 DAYS A WEEK COPE PLAN = Jun. 17th, 2017 07:00 pm

MONDAY
B= blueberry crumb cake, milk, yogurt, fruit, raisins, butter, NuGo
L= breaded chicken, potato pierogi, milk, sundae/ angel food
D= meatloaf, fries, a dinner roll, butter, spinach salad with cherry tomato & mushroom, dressing, oatmeal raisin cookie
S= NuGo bars: chocolate mint, chocolate chip, chocolate pretzel, peanut butter

TUESDAY
B= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, yogurt, milk, poptart
L= a mini pizza, a side salad w/ dressing, yogurt/ froyo/ chocolate cake
D= chicken with skin, stuffing, gravy, milk, butter, dinner roll, sweet potato soufflé, magic cup
S= plain sun chips, salsa sun chips, cheddar sun chips, doritos

WEDNESDAY
B= two slices french toast, double butter, milk, juice, scrambled eggs, sausage
L= grilled cheese on wheat, sun chips, fig newtons, yogurt, juice, granola, shake em'up
D= vegetable lasagna, side salad, dressing, dinner roll, cherry pie, shake em' up, pudding/ yogurt
S= chocolate magic cup, vanilla magic cup, berry magic cup, orange cream magic cup

THURSDAY
B= turkey sausage links, home fries, cheese omelette/ scrambled eggs, milk, juice
L= veggie burger with cheese on a wheat bun, potato salad, juice, pudding/ ice cream/ ice cream sandwich
D= chicken, corn, milk, mashed potatoes, bread pudding
S= chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, chocolate sundae, strawberry sundae

FRIDAY
B= english muffin w/ bacon egg & cheese, milk, juice, fruit, yogurt, nutrigrain bar
L= potato cod, broccoli, rice pilaf, dinner roll, double butter, double juice, brownie, pudding
D= burger w/ cheese on white, milk, peaches, strawberry cream cake, cottage cheese, vanilla snackwell cookies
S= strawberry pop tart, blueberry pop tart, ice cream sandwich

SATURDAY
B= oatmeal, raisins, milk, nutrigrain bar, double poptart
L= chicken burger, broccoli cheese soup, sundae/ sherbet
D= chicken tenders, fries, yogurt, fig newtons, shortbread cookies, potato chips
S= fig newtons, reeses cups, almonds, cashews, trail mix

SUNDAY
B= cheese omelette, hospital fruit cup, english muffin, cream cheese, milk
L= large salad w/ turkey, swiss cheese, & egg, apple pie, juice, butter, dinner roll, double italian dressing
D= salmon, broccoli, baked potato, butter, milk, pudding, magic cup
S= vanilla ensure, chocolate ensure, strawberry ensure, butter pecan ensure

Jun. 16th, 2017 09:30 am = Welcome back to life, dear Amanda. ♥

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese muffin, an orange, orange juice, apple cinnamon chai, an apple cinnamon nutrigrain bar, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. And guess what? I ate the orange LAST... and the BECM first!! ♥ Compulsions have been conquered! AND I put a LOT of effort into really paying attention-- which, as Laurie unsurprisingly has already been pushing me to do, is essentially ANCHORED in COMPREHENSIVE, DESCRIPTIVE EXPERIENCE. It's easy to stay totally conscious during meals, now, but it's like... a bare minimum awareness, no matter HOW genuine it is, because it's not PART of what it's aware of! So, actually, that shows that there's a different sort of dissociation going on... AND, on that note, God has therefore just handed me a HUGE opportunity to USE MY "TAUREAN CURSE" FOR THE GREATER GOOD AT LAST!!! ♥ It's a typically-condemning cliched assumption about Taurus folks that we are rather preoccupied with the "physical"; that we are effectively addicted to materialism, to sensuality, to luxury & comfort. All of that is a DISTORTION! Why? Because it's VICIOUS, and ALL vicious things are inherently empty & finite. VIRTUE is real and infinite, for it comes from the Heart of God, and ONLY GOD is eternal & real! Therefore, the question we must ask is: what virtuous qualities do Taureans have that could be so twisted into those vicious lies?

Lunch= MEAL SESSION SURPRISE!!! ♥ We went to Red Oak, which is a local diner that specializes in vegan/ vegetarian foods, and which also supports local farmers! It's a sweet & cozy little place that still feels professional & clean. Their menu offers deli sandwiches, fancy salads, vegan wraps, vegetarian sandwiches, breakfast burritos, "egg scrambles," PANCAKES, and-- on Fridays-- fish tacos! They also have fresh vegetable/ fruit juices, vegan cheese & tofu options, and a bunch of other stuff that I've forgotten but which was undoubtedly fantastic. I had quite a few exchanges to meet, so it was QUITE the interesting challenge in having to order a PREMADE, FIXED-INGREDIENT thing that would STILL meet all my exchanges, without going overboard with volume OR "extra exchanges." Honestly? It was FUN! It was almost like a game, to be amusedly honest-- like combining cooking cards in Baten Kaitos during a battle! You gotta do what you need to do with the hand that you're dealt! And you know me... I LOVE CHALLENGES. I DO! And do you know why? Because THIS is the ACTUAL definition of a challenge: "a demand for an explanation or justification; an order to halt and be identified; a formal objection to the qualifications of a juror or jury." Face your fears & anxieties & doubts & put-downs, and CHALLENGE THEM!!! Demand that they explain themselves-- demand that JUSTICE be truly honored! STOP those vices in their tracks and ORDER them to identify themselves in Truth-- do you serve GOD, the Lord of Life & Love-- do you serve Christ, or not? Object to ALL the false, empty judgments of fear & disorder, and point them out as UNFIT TO JUDGE-- directing that honor solely to GOD! So yes. I LOVE challenges, because by their very definition, they DEMAND INTEGRITY. And integrity, too, is a Gift of Grace, a holy thing of God... and ALL such things ALSO bear the Spirit's fruit. REMEMBER THAT!!! It is key! Integrity will ALWAYS include kindness, peace, self-control, charity, faith... joy. If you challenge something that compromises integrity, you have to make sure that you're doing so WITH the FRUITS of it-- for true virtues ALL serve God, IN THE SPIRIT. If your challenge isn't rooted in faith & Love, then YOU need to be "challenged!" And that, too, is why I love 'em. So on THAT note, our Loving challenges for our first MS were: an "egg scramble" with bacon, brussels sprouts, sunflower seeds, grape tomatoes, & provolone cheese; a juice smoothie with beet, celery, lemon, carrot, & ginger; a buttermilk pancake with dried cranberries; a deli pickle; AND a legit Starbucks caramel machiatto with vanilla, nutmeg, & cinnamon (thanks, Angela! ♥)-- oh yes, AND two slices of toasted sourdough with butter; and "home fried" potatoes! Yeah, it was a big order, but it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ The sourdough was delicious and SO nice with melted butter, & the potatoes were in big thick "pyramid cube" pieces, SOFT and yet solid, and nicely browned! The pickle was a bonus gift from Nikki-- thank you dear-- and of course, deli pickles are always nice, soft & sweetly sour & mild. Nice stuff! The egg scramble was BOSS. The grape tomatoes were WARM & richly fresh-red, looking uncooked in how colorful & alive they were/ tasted! And the bacon was the harder, crispier, browner kind-- like bacon "bits," not the lovely soft mauve strips from breakfast, and thicker too-- but it was QUITE good, ESPECIALLY considering that it was covered in melted provolone cheese! I REALLY like provolone, guys. It's NICE. Still learning the solid taste data, though! ♥ Also? You ALL know I love brussels sprouts-- these were no exception, lightly sauteed & chopped up warm-- but they ALSO were paired with those sunflower seeds, which I once loved dearly but which, due to the disorder of the past, had awful misplaced guilt-sadness-fear projected onto it, making them a "fear food." But I ate them and I liked them, and my heart is warming up to them again, and I just need to dive into forgiveness and LOVE them with blazingly courageous Love. To heck with fear; it's all a lie-- I WANT to Love & befriend those precious, innocent, GOD-CREATED seeds, and I WILL. Just like I Loved the corn back to perfect friendship & health. I WILL Love the seeds the same... AND the cranberries, which ARE delicious & kind & sweet, and who were actually helped IMMENSELY in their healing by the fact that they were part of the BEST PANCAKE I HAVE EATEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. ♥ Duh; it was a BUTTERMILK pancake, and you know me!! ♥ The more culture, the better. (I should be a chemist, at this point!) But yes, as I thought-- I DO have this food-artistry down to a science at this point-- they were the PERFECT taste & color complement TO the fluffy, amber-white-gold sweet softness and WARMTH and crisp edges of that gorgeously thick pancake! ♥ It was legit HEAVENLY. ♥ Add buttermilk pancakes to my go-to breakfast food option list! I'm actually excited at the idea-- I'm sure I could tweak the recipe to give them MORE of a "buttermilk" taste, specifically that "soured" flavor... heck, I should look into "foreign" pancake recipes, see if you can make them with really sour yogurt or something, too; there are so many beautiful possibilities and I'm so joyously looking forward to experiencing them, with true joy, which-- as I've been saying-- can ONLY come from GOD.

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, because they're too chocolatey to prudently eat every 8PM, but they are really lovely, and I love 'em. ♥ I spent snack today not only enjoying its minty-chocolate-crispy-smooth goodness, but also talking to my dear friends Patricia, Angela, & Heather about our shared journeys in this healing process. "Lift each other up!" It gives hope & courage & solidarity & compassion, and I am so grateful to have met them. ♥

Dinner= SELF SELECT #8-- and, fittingly, we've come full circle. Today, our final SS, was a revisit to the initial joy of our first. (unfinished) (no 8PM snack entry)

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MEAL SESSION 061617 = Jun. 16th, 2017 11:30 am / meal session goals! ♥ #1 (LUNCH) ~FRIDAY 0616~ ★RED OAK★ (1) D | (2) FR | (3) S | (3) P | (3) F | ★
1) 1 buttermilk pancake w/ dried cranberries (1S) 2) 1 egg scramble w/ bacon, provolone, brussels sprouts, tomato, & sunflower seeds (3P 2F 1D) 3) 2 slices sourdough toast w/ butter (2S 1F) 4) 1 svg potatoes (1S) 5) 1 beet/ carrot/ lemon/ ginger/ celery juice smoothie; 360mL (1FR)
6) 1 pickle (~V) 7) 1 Starbucks caramel macchiato w/ vanilla, cinnamon, & nutmeg; 360mL (-)
GUESS WHO'S NOW A DIEHARD FAN OF BUTTERMILK PANCAKES? ♥ You all know that I am
(left unfinished)

Jun. 15th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, Katie! ♥ and farewell, dear Jessie-- we'll keep in touch. ♥

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, two turkey sausage links, home friest, salt & pepper, orange juice, earl grey tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC! This is one of my favorite breakfasts, as you know-- eggs & cheese & even those potatoes & sausages! Honestly, I DO REALLY LIKE the sausages & potatoes, no matter what the disordered "obligatory" thoughts that insist to the contrary say. And honestly, let's talk about those! Why in the world do I feel like I "shouldn't" like sausage or potatoes? Well, here's another interesting bit-- why do I feel like, if I were physically a big buff burly dude, it'd be permissible for me to like them, but still not "alleviating" those poor foods of that judgment? Where did that absorbed-lie COME from-- the condemnation that potatoes, especially fried potatoes, AND sausages, are shameful to like? I've got one answer-- look at the internet. Look at the toxic, caustic-"humor," self-damning "trend" that is so prevalent on Tumblr. Look at how many jokes are about POTATOES. It's BIZARRE. Not only do we have that awful phrase "couch potato" to refer to a selfishly lazy & "useless" person, (unfinished)

Lunch= a veggie burger with cheese on a wheat bun, lettuce & tomato, potato salad, an ice cream sandwich, apple juice, and vanilla VHC. I have to say this meal was a big victory, because it's actually a super-messy one, BUT!!! Even as I was the ONLY person left eating, chewing through a burger that was barely holding together, I WASN'T "SELF-CONSCIOUS"!!! I reminded myself that God does NOT judge as humans do-- He didn't care if the lettuce was falling out of the burger, that I couldn't always bite cleanly through the tomato, that the cheese stuck to my teeth & the ice cream sandwich to my fingers, OR that I accidentally bumped my VHC over and about 1/3 spilled onto my plate! No, those things simply happen-- and THEY, TOO, come from God's hand, for His Glory, in testing my heart to see whether I would hold true to yesterday's lessons and NOT judge myself so foolishly & falsely, NOR unfairly assume that others were doing so. And I DIDN'T-- because I CHOSE to do what God wanted me to do; I chose the virtues He was challenging me to practice in the face of longstanding opposition-- I chose LOVE. And do you know what Love does, when things like little messes happen to it? It starts to laugh, like a child splashed in a swimming pool! Love laughs, like a kid jumping through puddles, when life makes this body look a little messy-- because there's nothing wrong with that! That's the key to true laughter-- Love, humility, and forgiveness. And as far as God was concerned, no matter how clumsy this lunch was, as long as I FORGAVE that clumsiness out of loving, compassionate, merciful understanding-- a forgiveness also born of empathy, a virtue-child of humility-- of the warmhearted acknowledgement that we're all imperfect, fragile, clumsy things; we're all in this together, and if it happens to one of us, it can just as easily happen to the other-- as long as I acted out of LOVE, everything was perfectly OK. ♥ And I ate that sandwich with a smile on my face-- no matter how messy it may have been-- because I was doing my very best, and in order TO do my very best, all I need to do is LOVE. And be able to laugh along with God, in Good Humor (quite literally!), whenever little mishaps occur. Because seriously, dude, LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE. ♥ In the end, we're ALL ending up with God, at the conclusion of our earthly life-stories. The finish line is crossed, the book turns its last page, the final credits roll... and suddenly, ALL that matters is Love, and how faithful we were TO it-- to Him, to GOD, who IS Love, no matter what happened in the meantime. Because, honestly-- when you live with THAT in mind, nothing can harm you. NOTHING can stop you from living for Love at all times, in all things, since you realize that death is only a door, and one we WILL walk through sooner or later... but not even death itself scares you anymore. It's all temporary. It's ALL in God's hands. What does it matter if you got mayonnaise on your face? Giggle at it, bro; it's funny! Life is funny, really, but it's belovedly so. "Fun" is a big part of it, and TRUE, Christian fun is the NATURAL result of living in constant Loving wonder & joy & gratitude & trust in God! TRUE laughter bubbles up from the heart like a crystal-bright fountain-- pure and happy and full of thankful wonder! It's so easy to laugh when we place all our trust in God... when we choose Love no matter what, when we humbly & happily forgive, when we keep an "attitude of gratitude!" Joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, after all! Joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, charity, chastity, modesty, generosity, goodness, self-control... faith. All beautiful & beloved Virtues that I REALLY want and NEED to meditate on more. I truly do love them. I Love all of God's decrees & Truths; I Love ALL of His Words, and He KNOWS that is the core of my heart... He KNOWS that is the TRUTH, no matter how my human weakness may overwhelm me sometimes. I will ALWAYS get back up & go right back to God-- but, again, ONLY BY HIS GRACE. And so I pray for that with every heartbeat. I can ALWAYS improve; I can ALWAYS better myself, can ALWAYS open my heart wider to hold ever more Love... I can ALWAYS grow in virtue. I can ALWAYS "bear Good Fruit" for God, by His Spirit, to the same infinite extend from which He GIVES me that capacity & capability. God & His Goodness are LIMITLESS... and I rejoice! ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar, which tasted STRAIGHT-UP like Halloween and which filled me with SUCH grateful joy! ♥ Also, this time I really tasted the crisps-- they have SUCH a lovely taste! Is that what soy crisps inherently taste like? Maybe! Boy oh boy I'm SO looking forward to being able to fully participate in & partake of God's COMPLETE Creation in my new, healthy future! And, of course, I'm REALLY joyfully looking forward to Halloween!! ♥

Dinner= self-select #7!! ♥ First off, let me way THANK GOD FOR SARA, because she firmly kept me on the straight & narrow today and if it weren't for her, I would've gotten stuck in obsessive thoughts & "perpetual reconsidering," AND I wouldn't have given any thought to what REALLY matters in Self Select-- PRUDENT exchange choices, and PRUDENT TIMING!!! My original choices didn't take EITHER of those vital things into account, because honestly it didn't even OCCUR to me-- but now I know! ♥ I have learned, and now I can be wiser and freer and better at both taking proper care of myself AND pleasing Team & Staff alike with good behavior. But God was STILL the guiding force behind it all, as always! ♥ Because originally-- before I even got to the cafeteria, that is-- I was just going to do another sandwich. But then I saw the day's special-- and what do you know, my heart had quietly & nervously but trustingly told God earlier that, if I had the strength through Grace TO do so, I was going to get that day's special, HANDS DOWN. No matter what! But He went the extra mile, and He not only heard me and listened-- what gracious love & mercy He shows us-- but He also made the special a big FAMILY CHALLENGE FOOD... one that I used to not only fear, but dislike for NO REASON, and which-- once healed!-- would heal my view of my family, too. Heal the projection, and it frequently goes that extra mile, too, and softens your forgiving, Loving heart t now forgive & Love the cause of such a projection, back to health. Today, it was a cause of family fear, born from sorrow of unknown connection to any specifics concerning the food itself, but tied to a DEEPER, BROADER sort of feeling unsafe & unloved & miserable at home... and, perhaps simply contextually, that fear got thrown onto the innocent foods that shared those contexts with me, though just as blameless of such condemnation, and just as undeserving of such painful judgment. So once I realized that we ALL deserved love & healing, for GOD'S SAKE-- me, my family, the food-- I made up my mind & heart TO DO SO, no matter what. And God met me in that effort, continuing to bless me to carry out His Will even in little ways, for I am FOREVER willing & yearning to do so. And so, today, God gave me the healing SS dinner of: three Swedish meatballs w/ gravy; buttered noodles; broccoli & cucumber; cheddar cheese shreds (+parmesan & pepper); mayonnaise; a bit of both french vanilla & white chocolate cappuccino in my decaf tea; and what I can only describe as a "vanilla cream puff cake sandwich." Honestly... I LOVED EVERY BITE OF THIS MEAL. ♥ I actually couldn't stop smiling; everything was BEAUTIFUL!!! The swedish meatballs were BIG & SOFT and tasted similar at heart to both dad-campfire good hamburg beef and SALAMI?? It was GREAT. And there were mushrooms in the gravy and YES it was that SAME LOVELY KIND that Mom makes with Salisbury steaks! And the BUTTERED NOODLES, OH MY GOSH. ♥ I never thought I would ever say this so wholeheartedly, but... I LOVE THEM. ♥ Legit!! Butter & pasta, dude-- and they tasted SO KIND and sweet and GOOD... honestly, I'm telling you that was ANGELIC pasta!! Also, I mixed the cheese, vegs, pepper & parmesan ALL in with the noodles & meatballs-- oh yes, AND the mayo-- and when I took a bite of that? I GRINNED like a kid in a candy store, from ear to ear!! It was SUCH a happy, alive, bright, playful, kind & lovely taste, full of both comfort & encouragement! The rich cheese tastes with their punch of color & salt, the cool fresh vegs and their vibrant green loveliness, the pepper's extra sparkle, the mayo's creamy tangy goodness... it was BLISS, dude. And THEN I had that CS. It looked "terrifying"-- two thick, round "cakes" with a TON of cream between 'em, & powdered sugar on top... IT WAS HEAVENLY. I immediately thought of Ryou, too! The cream was LEGIT cream, rich & cloudy & beautiful... and the vanilla cakes were airy but SPRINGY-SPONGY??? From at the edges & soft in the middle?? It was a GIFT FROM GOD. ♥ ALL of this was!!! ♥ THANK YOU!!

8PM Snack= a vanilla magic cup, a berry magic cup, and a Strawberry Poptart! ♥ Two cold things and one warm thing-- and all of 'em so lovely! ♥ The berry MC, all soft Julie-pink hue, was so gently sweet and wonderful, tasting EXACTLY that color... the vanilla MC was all lovely yellow-tone vanilla, one of my favorite flavors, with such a beautiful texture... and same with that PopTart, all gummy-good filling & sparkle-sweet icing & golden-beige biscuit loveliness! ♥ God bless!! ♥

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SELF SELECT 061517 Jun. 15th, 2017 05:30 am = #7 (DINNER) ~THURSDAY 0615~ (1) D | (2) S | (3) P | (1) F | (1) CS
1) Three swedish meatballs w/ gravy (3P 2F) 2) Two scoops buttered noodles (2S) 3) 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 4) 1/2 cup cucumber slices (~V) 5) 1 cup broccoli (~V) 6) 1 "vanilla cream puff cake sandwich" (1CS) 7) 2 packets mayonnaise (2F) 8) 3 packets parmesan cheese (-)
9) 3 packets pepper (-) 10) 720mL decaf black tea w/ french vanilla & white chocolate cappuccino flavor (-) / / things I saw at the restaurant that I would love to try: fish tacos, breakfast burritos, pork chorizo, pancakes w/ fruit & chocolate, pico de gallo, +

Jun. 14th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, Heather!!! ♥

Breakfast= two slices of French toast, double butter, scrambled eggs, apple juice, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, earl grey tea, three sugar packets, and one honey. Again, breakfast was a little difficult because there was a lot of talk, AND I was shame/ guilt dissociating over the honey, as usual. I just feel so awful for not really "liking" it? It's too burny-sweet for me. But there's that infamous childhood fear: "Is that a sin?" Is it a sin to not want to put honey on my food, solely because I don't "like" the taste? Is it a sin to want to journal instead of playing Scrabble? And dude I STRUGGLE with that. I actually discussed that with Staff after writing that last sentence, because just "stating" such an obviously distorted, painful, ugly-feeling thought was literally painful & nauseating. SO. I want to just leave that in the dust, BUT not before completely and solidly refuting it for the distortion it is: What's the real, ONLY definition of a "sin"? It is that which is done out of fear. No faith, no love. THAT makes something a sin. BUT. Humans slip up; it's INEVITABLE-- because we AREN'T God. We're IMPERFECT. We're incomplete and we're totally clueless without God. But, and I happily repeat myself on this-- that's the paradoxical beauty of life. That flawed factor, that weakness, allows for humility-- and from humility, ALL other virtues bloom. ♥ And seriously, dude-- LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. (What, what, what are you doing?) But really, chill out, love. You want to do Good. You sincerely, wholeheartedly WANT AND TRY to be as Good as possible in everything you do-- BUT!! It's ONLY when you get caught up in fear that you stumble over your own feet. Is "not liking" honey a sin? NOT IF YOU'RE ACTING OUT OF LOVE-- in which case you can totally appreciate & value & love the honey AS God's Creation, wonderful & unique,even if it's not the "wisest choice" in that situation!! "Everything is allowed;" "everything is clean in and of itself;" BUT "not everything is edifying," and "if a man thinks something unclean, then it BECOMES unclean FOR HIM." Applied here? The honey is innocent & Good & totally clean & allowed-- BUT!!! If some distortion is projecting lies onto it-- fear, anger, disdain-- then suddenly it "becomes unclean" because THOSE LIES ARE UNCLEAN. And THAT is when it becomes "a sin" to eat a food-- SOLELY BECAUSE YOU AREN'T EATING FOR GOD'S GLORY, when you let fear in! So, remember that. You, in your Loving heart, blessed so by God, for God, through God... your heart CAN AND DOES LOVE EVERYTHING. So, quite literally, I CAN eat every & any food, ever, AS LONG AS I DO SO FOR GOD. And I couldn't do that this morning, projecting such shame & guilt & fear onto the innocent food, therefore forbidding myself from loving it SIMPLY BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO TO GOD ABOUT IT. And I contritely, miserable admit that-- because now my aching heart has SEEN its fault and it takes DETERMINED HOPE in now having the Grace TO understand WHY and HOW it stumbled, and by that same Grace, being DEDICATED to NOT SINNING AGAIN in that way, through vigilant trust & surrender & Love for God. I am terribly sorry that I messed up, BUT now I-- thank God!!-- can correct my steps, and strengthen my capacity TO do Good, in becoming ever more aware & open to God. Gotta water & fertilize that virtue-seeded heart-garden, after all! ♥ But yes. I think that, deep down, I knew that, at breakfast-- that if I let go of blind fear and turned to God in prayer like a child, He WOULD correct & forgive & heal & redirect me, even in an instant-- and I WILL admit, I put ALL my effort into loving that honey. Even though I was still struggling with misplaced shame & false "dislike," I put that honey on the firm-soft french toast crusts, kissed with butter, and I LOVINGLY, FORGIVINGLY ate them-- and I thanked God for them, for the gift of such wonderful foods, for the gift OF food... for the honestly beautiful sweetness of the toast & honey & butter ALL singing together in beautiful amber tones, rich & harmonious, like a joyous peal of bells! ♥ I actually want to cry a little-- in the face of such vice, with the honey almost being condemned, God manifested His Glory and Love in response to my desperate but faithful prayer for deliverance FROM those vices... and, after all that, I was STILL able to love the ENTIRE breakfast, honey & all. And it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ God just... blows my mind, really. He brings the most beautiful Light out of darkness, EVERY day, EVERY TIME... honestly! Even if we can't see it, God ALWAYS succeeds. God ALWAYS conquers sin & pain & vice. Even if it totally surpasses our human capacity to understand it at all. God wins. God saves. And NO act of Good is too small to Glorify Him totally... even breakfast can sing His praises. ♥

Lunch= grilled cheese on wheat bread (w/ two tomato slices & a lettuce leaf), Fig Newtons, salsa Sun Chips, vanilla Greek yogurt, and vanilla VHC. Yet again, thank God for Psyche & Jewel & Harmonia, who are all TOTALLY FEARLESSLY HAPPY when eating in quieter public environments-- Psyche is just orange, dude; orange folks are always so courageously warm & bright that "wallflower" behavior (such as self-consciousness & performance anxiety) doesn't even occur to them-- they love people & life & their own lives as people too honestly & openly to be proud or hesitant, or to hamper that love in any way. So Psyche can sit at that nervous table, quiet and tense, and jovially crunch through a bag of Sun Chips, crumbs & awkward sizes and messy fingers & all, without worrying a bit about "how he looked," because he was eating with JOY & LOVE, as politely as he could, and the chips were as innocent as he! But yeah-- his love-strong behavior there PROVES that any fear of "judgment" that any other fronter may have is NOT based on Truth, and has NO actual merit, and CANNOT affect their inherent worth as a living thing, because ALL such judgments are NOT OF GOD!! They are NOT, because they condemn! They ridicule & mock, they show no compassion or mercy or kindness or gentleness or understanding-- they CANNOT LAUGH, not from the heart!! I don't consider anything but "childlike laughter, joyful & wonderful & loving & happy to be alive, to even BE "laughter." And honestly? Good humor-- a VERY Orange Virtue (just look at Psyche & Lynne & Pagotamiar & so many others! ♥)-- is one of THE MOST POWERFUL things for conquering pride and self-absorption, EVEN in "hidden" manifestations such as "fearing what others think of you." I also have to apologize-- all this is sounding like condemnation on MY part, too, and perhaps deep down it IS, out of fear of my capacity for such unhealthy behaviors BUT. That very sentence carries its solution within it-- that capacity is only because of fear. In order to release that fear, AND therefore, release those behaviors as well-- all I have to do is choose That which drives out ALL fear-- LOVE. Obviously, beautifully, simply & profoundly. And if doubts & condemnations ever creep in about that? Think of Vezerai. I'm serious. The real me, the TRUE me, would never laugh at love, let alone THAT example of its power to conquer fear-- quite literally. But yeah. As I've said countless times and will CONTINUE to say, even if only out of sheer courageous stalwart dedication TO love, that virtue is not only the very anchor & cornerstone & driving force in our treatment process here, AND in our life in general, but it is ALSO the very essence of GOD-- of the CORE OF ALL CREATION. Anything & everything that dares scoff at Love ONLY can do so out of fear-- and as you also know, such things cannot last. So yeah. Don't ever be afraid, dude-- not of anything, especially not something as silly & empty as a judgment-- such things only arise from distortion, and are inherently false. The ONLY judgment that matters, the ONLY judgment that even CAN exist, is GOD'S... and His Judgment, His Only & Final Judgment, is based on LOVE. God's Love, and whether or not we lived BY it, FOR it, IN it-- and we can ONLY do so THROUGH God... through Christ. In Him, we are judged as SAVED, because in order TO be in Him, we must Love Him, and Trust Him... and ONLY GOD can inspire such virtue; only His Spirit IN US can move us to such True devotion. And thence we are adopted. We are free and unafraid, as long as our hearts REMAIN in Him... and literally the ONLY thing that can shake us from that peace is the CHOICE of fear. God CANNOT stop loving us. But we can choose to doubt, to hesitate, to fear. God will remain steadfast & True & Loving, but we can sure get ourselves stuck in a place here where we can't feel that... every time we don't trust Him, even if we don't even realize that's what we're doing. But that's what self-consciousness is: it's focusing on "self" instead of on God-- and such a focus will ALWAYS feel anxious & lost & scared & depressed & hopeless & angry... because such a focus is not looking to God, and therefore is turned away from Love. However. The heart cannot bear such an unnatural view, and that is an ETERNAL, UNDENIABLE HOPE for ALL Creation-- every heart yearns for its Creator. Every heart yearns for Love. And so, no matter what happens in this life... deep down, every heart will eventually return to God, even if He has to push it a little... because in the end, He just wants us home. ♥

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, for the sake of standing strong in Love & hope & forgiveness & courage even-- ESPECIALLY-- in the face of doubt and hesitant anxiety and fear. Love soothes, comforts, reassures, protects, and strengthens. Love picks up every broken thing and holds them to its heart-- it cleans & bandages their wounds, and patiently nurses them to health... so that they, too, may become Love to others. ♥ But remember, too, Love's friends: humility, gratitude, faith, trust, hope... ♥

Dinner= guess what kids WE'RE BACK ON LEGIT SELF-SELECT!!! ♥ AND we got to go with Jessie today, on her last day. We finally got our COPE dinner date-- and hopefully in the future, we'll be able to have one OFF-unit! ♥ For tonight, though, this was truly lovely. We didn't worry at ALL-- we nabbed our CS first, checked all the entree options and picked the one that was both the newest & easiest to build off, and then got it done! So yeah, our timing was TOTALLY BOSS. ♥ We got: one slice of sourdough with turkey lunchmeat, provolone cheese, lettuce & tomato, pepper, & one mayonnaise packet; one slice of light whole wheat bread with egg salad, lettuce & tomato, pepper, & one mayonnaise packet; two decaf black teas with the tiniest bit of french vanilla/ white chocolate cappuccino & half-n-half added in; and a slice of chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Also? I got an unexpected blessing with the "half sandwiches" today, which is why I didn't list them as such-- the deli dude, who was super sweet, didn't want to assume incorrectly when I said "one slice of bread" and so he essentially gave me open face sandwiches. Which was BRILLIANT because I was therefore able to have half sandwiches with TWICE the thickness a whole sandwich would have had! Honestly dude, it was WONDERFUL. ♥ The egg salad was QUITE INTERESTING because I had no idea what to expect! But it's literally just chopped-up hard boiled eggs, rich in their belovedly familiar glossy eggy taste & texture, plus those crumbly-dry-soft yolks, mixed with a bit of mayonnaise to keep 'em together! Simple, but lovely-- and actually very nice on the light whole wheat! A darker wheat would've done MUCH better-- the light color & delicate tone-vibe of the eggs harmonizes best with a dark & heavy-wholesome base, also neutral I would think-- but the lighter one was still sweet and kind, albeit blending a bit in "frequency" with the equally modest & gentle eggs. Possibly more mayo would've helped, a LOT, to add a level of vivid tone to lift up BOTH neutral-er egg & bread flavors at once... but most of that mayo went with the sourdough sandwich because DANG, SON. It was just the perfect fit to the turkey & provolone & tomato, and again, I could only take two packets today! Nevertheless, the egg salad actually sang REALLY well with the tomato, which offered a similar zesty-lifting effect, and the lettuce, too, helped the bread (brown & green are essentially made for each other-- just look at Nature!!) taste a little stronger. ♥ So really? It WAS a beautiful little sandwich! AND I am now quite the fan of egg salad-- that sweet deli dude put a legit scoop of it on the bread, like an ice cream serving. It was visually glorious. (Kudos to you, bro!) And it tasted just as lovely, of course! ♥ Oh-- and lest I forget, the black pepper addition on both was BOSS with the mayo. Also I just realized I haven't sand the praises of the TURKEY SOURDOUGH PROVOLONE. ♥ Oh my goodness. HELLO NEW FAVORITE SANDWICH! ♥ And consider this-- I had 3 slices of each on one slice of bread. That half was STACKED, bro-- and it was AMAZING! I have become quite the fan of both turkey and provolone in my time here-- and their tastes harmonize quite nicely! Plus, sourdough is ALWAYS great, as is mayo.

8PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo, a mint chocolate NuGo, and a pretzel NuGo... for Jessie, of course. ♥ And every one of them tasted SO clear and good and lovely. ♥ The CC's chocolate crisps were so evident & sweetly cocoa-y with the differently sweet, lighter soy crisps around it... the mint in the MC chocolate was SO minty & beautiful & the chocolate crisps were beautifully dark-rich but not sugary... and I have NEVER tasted the super unique agave flavor in the pretzel crisp so clearly before! ♥ Thanks, God!

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SELF SELECT 061417 = Jun. 14th, 2017 05:30 am = #6 (DINNER) ~WEDNESDAY 0614~ (1) D | (2) S | (3) P | (3) F | (1) CS
1) Sourdough bread; 1 slice (1S) 2) Provolone cheese; 3 slices (1D) 3) Turkey lunchmeat; 3oz (3P) 4) Lettuce & tomato (~V) 5) Light whole wheat bread; 1 slice (1S) 6) Egg salad; 1 cup (1P 1F) 7) Mayonnaise; 2 packets (2F) 8) Raspberry cheesecake (1CS) 9) Decaf black tea; 720mL (+cappuccino flavor) (-) = The deli dude gave me OPEN FACE SANDWICHES so when I halved them to make actual sandwiches, they were SUPER THICK & DELICIOUS. ♥
(S) marble rye, onion kaiser, croissant, blueberry bagel, chicken soup, french roll, focaccia bread, strawberry jello, frozen yogurt, cheerios, (P) ham, chili, pepperoni, tuna salad, baked fish, hummus, pizza, hot dog, german ham, chickpeas, green peas, (D) pepperjack cheese,

Jun. 13th, 2017 09:30 am = last night was beautiful.

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, strawberry yogurt, a strawberry pop tart, honey peach tea, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. I had another VHC increase today, too, so now there's even more to love, aha. Seriously! It's good stuff, and I honestly really enjoy the flavor, especially with that unique "blue" vitaminy taste and heavy mouthfeel! Also, today I as beginning to grasp some deeper level of its taste? So that's exciting! I look forward to my other two experiences of it today. ♥ And that dear soymilk, dude, it's getting clearer too-- which was helped by the fact that it was warmer this morning-- thanks to my heating it on the oatmeal, of course. Ingenuity! But yeah, I have to thank God PROFOUNDLY for this new & deeper awareness... especially since our head is quite "fuzzy" from what feels like a pressure headache (sinuses? lack of sleep? no clue) and the fatigued dissociation that follows both that and too much fast-pace mental stimulation early in the morning... which is mostly due to worry over clothes, to be blunt. Too much needless anxiety, too little appreciative joy! But prayer heals. Prayer helps. And as always, we prayed both for and over this meal, and lo and behold, God answered that prayer in a way NONE of us could have expected! ♥ It's like... EVERYTHING tastes richer & realer today, in gorgeous victory over the pain & dissociation, proclaiming God's power & wonder & love in all circumstances! But yeah-- the soymilk isn't creamy, it's smooth; its sweetness isn't sharp whatsoever, but a gentle "mellow" taste, even and soft, NOT vivid like the Magic Cup or sparkle-clear like white vanilla; and that soy taste is getting fuller, too-- I'm beginning to notice the similarity in this soymilk AND the veggie burger, deep down-- and maybe even the NuGos, too, although that's trickier with all the rice. But I'm GETTING it!! ♥ God is, in paradoxically amazing blessing, clarifying our comprehension despite physical "obstacle." But God conquers ALL. In His eyes, obstacles disappear! ♥ That's the very essence of Hope-- knowing that God CAN do ANYTHING, no matter what... and then trusting whatever He does, whenever He does it. I do have that much faith in Him. We do. Always, no matter what-- His Trustworthiness isn't just self-evident to us; it's been PROVED, beyond all doubt, so many times over the years, not just in little lovely outward things that still hold HUGE deep meaning... but also, in US. What God has wrought THROUGH the League & the Soectrum is absolute eternal proof of God and His Goodness, and my heart-- OUR hearts-- will sing His Loving Praises forever, humbled by reverent "fearful" awe, but also bursting with joyous grateful adoration. Nothing is insignificant, for ALL comes from God and is FOR God... even breakfast! And it really is full of His wonder. The tea has a lovely "bitter floral" nip from the white(!) tea; I like it a lot! And the peach/ honey essence is very subtle, more of a tone than a taste, but I CAN "taste" it in my heart-- peach like a blossom scent, honey like the heart of it, no sugar in either. It's FASCINATING how the "no sugar" shift affects their tastes-- so different, and yet still recognizable! ♥ Speaking of taste affectation, I really took time to admire the VISUAL data of the yogurt today-- and I NEVER REALIZED how HUGELY VITAL that is to really fully experiencing & comprehending & grasping the data!! I can easily tell you about the "plush" mouthfeel, thicker than the VHC in a "solid" sense (gelatin touch!) but super close in any case... I can tell you about the not-sugary, dessert tint strawberry taste, about the cultured quality of the milk, about the lovely firm-soft giving squish of the strawberry bits with their little seeds... BUT. I can't fully "get it" by taste alone, by touch alone-- I also have to smell AND SEE IT!! And that makes a WORLD of difference! You wanna know what yogurt tastes & feels like? Take a LOOK at that texture! It's BEAUTIFUL-- thick & creamy but NOT "cream-smooth"; the cultured quality is VISIBLE and gives it a particular "gelatin" hold-together look? Words can't quite describe it yet, but I can SEE it, and my visual memory is FAMOUSLY SOLID at its core. So this is a HUGE STRENGTH I can use!! ♥ Also, seeing the color of the strawberry bits-- they lean cerise? A VIVID raspberry-ish hue, in the tint-tone of the yogurt, a solid non-leaning pink-- was also awesomely helpful. Same with the PopTart in comparison! I have to see that TO eat it, hence its clear data in the past, but its biscuit-color deepens when heated, and the filling richens in its bright red hue, AND it gets GUMMY. It is BOSS. Chewing it is the coolest thing; the mouthfeel is much thicker as a result but its not heavy! I love it. ♥ I ALSO love the oatmeal & sugar & raisins, more than ever today, because I LOOKED at it, too, and SAW the VHC-added creamy hue & texture, all beautiful flowing BUT still holding the oatmeal's porridge-like little soft lumps, such a joy to eat, AND the raisins wrapped up in all of it, looking more purple than ever against that warm-leaning but gentle-tint brown color, covering them lightly and mellowing their sweetness but emphasizing their lovely plum-hue tartness AND complementing it beautifully with BOTH the wholesome oat taste AND the warmly kind brown-tone sweetness of the VHC AND the brown sugar-- which, when heated AND moistened, ALSO becomes not just a darker golden-hued deep neutral-ish brown but also mellow, losing the sharp sugar-crystal bite and becoming more like syrup? It's something I do need to pay more attention to, and I will, either here or at home. I promise. With God's help, I WILL continue to live IN and FOR His Love, at ALL times. ♥

Lunch= hey kids, guess what's up today? SELF-SELECT, THAT'S WHAT!!! ♥ That's right, we are BACK IN BUSINESS and we're taking the blessing like a champ!! We waited patiently and worked hard to get to this point, and we are dedicated to doing our VERY BEST. We went to the 4th floor today, so choices were very limited, BUT we were able to both make it work AND challenge ourself! And now we know the proper exchanges AND expected behavior for Self Select in general, too, thanks to Beth! So we're TOTALLY prepared now for tomorrow night, and we're very much looking forward to it. ♥ Also, we had to sacrifice the pizza AND chocolate cake today, BUT God knew what He was doing, as always. Today is Jessie's hardest lunch, so it's hard for us to eat the pizza when she's struggling-- that heavy empathy can be a flaw, because instead of setting a "fearless example"... actually? No, it's NOT a flaw, because we FELT and UNDERSTOOD her fear, but we ALSO knew that both she AND the food were INNOCENT... and so we chose LOVE, and in the face OF fear, we ate it with as much sincere, contrite, forgiving, devoted, determined, courageous Love as we could muster. And so, today, God let US have OUR challenge-- a large spinach salad w/ mushroom, broccoli, & cucumber; Caesar salad dressing; mayonnaise; shredded cheddar cheese; an apple; sunflower seeds; cheddar & sour cream Ruffles chips; a dinner roll; and cajun pasta fresca. The first seven listed ingredients were ALL combined-- only the roll & pasta-- and one mayonnaise packet-- were eaten separately. But yeah, salad is a perfect way to condense!

Dinner= chicken w/ skin & gravy, bread stuffing w/ celery, pepper, a sweet potato souffle, a chocolate magic cup, chocolate milk, and vanilla VHC. I am sorry to say I was HIGHLY "foggy-brained" this evening, probably due to mental exhaustion-- but I did my best. Even when I'm unstable, so to speak, I'm still conscious. Our heart still beats. We still Love with every ounce of honest strength we have. And this dinner was still so loved, as much as we could muster... and God met us there with infinitely more as always, in faith. ♥ The chocolate milk & magic cup were rather cold, but I think we're at a point where dairy chocolate isn't "scary" anymore? Because there was NONE at this meal! ♥ I forgot to put the milk in a cup, but even from the carton, I enjoyed its sugar-milk-cocoa taste, purely simple & childlike, and now fully holding its native hue's gentle comfort, too! The chocolate milk is a very neutral brown tint, which is typical of dairy chocolate-- but the magic cup leans warm, like ACTUAL "milk chocolate!" It has a milk core tone to it still, though, so that inherent neutral base is still evident, but that bit of lean to a richer chocolate is, too-- although, obviously, it's easier to taste when the MC itself is warm! But even so, it was lovely, too-- I'm always a fan of the texture, and its thick mouthfeel. It's really good stuff! I'll have to do a triple-MC night later this week, perhaps Thursday. We'll see! For now, next up is the VHC. I didn't quite compare it to anything today-- since I messed up with the cups and I was pressed for time with the MC being cold & therefore tougher to eat quickly, and not wanting to risk eating it last, what with the proper way to pace meals like this (faster stuff first, longer stuff last to take all the remaining time freely & enjoyingly)-- but as always, I loved it. That vitaminy taste is so nice, and the texture mouthfeel is SO unique-- it stays thickly creamy but it ALSO gets this unique flow like yogurt does?? It's so hard to describe! I'll try to find the right words for it AS I experience it tomorrow, I promise. That, or I'll find a comparison data memory! Until then, though. let's move on to the main course and ITS beloved textures-- that cushy, squishy-solid bread stuffing, that savory gravy that always gets that totally boss "skin" on it as it cools, that CHICKEN and its literal skin, AND my sweet little souffle, literally so in two different ways, with the nicest texture of this whole meal-- and that's QUITE a feat! Because to begin, that stuffing is DELICIOUS. It's so wonderfully flavored with gravy, but it's "soft-clumped" into big bready bits and it's not really "wet?" It's spongy soft? But no bounce or resistance-- just a cushy-thick bready density. It has SUCH a lovely mouthfeel as a result, too-- it's a total joy to taste and chew. The gravy, too, is super nice-- it's not watery, nor is it gelly-like, but it's a "thickened" semi-creamy but not cream-like sort of flow? Like how oatmeal has that fluidy starchy wetness to it, almost. Either way, it's great, it perfectly complements the stuffing AND the chicken with its amber-golden-tone and surprisingly "tint-like" quality? It's not saturated-- there's a sort of milky tiny to it, color-wise, just barely? I think! Maybe I'm mistaken; I didn't get the best look at it and I apologize. But yes, it tastes of chicken fat & starch & salt & CELERY, all little soup-flavored cooked-yellowgreen lovely crunch-crisp bits, and I love it. As for the chicken itself? It's QUITE pink, which is surprising, but which is tasteable in its juicier, somewhat sweeter tone, "meatier" taste, and softer texture! And that quality also somehow perfectly matches up with the chicken skin, white & fatty against the meat and cooked-crisp golden brown on top, and tasting richly of chicken-soup flavor, essentially. Skin has a particular taste of its own, though, which I admittedly didn't grasp well enough to describe today, due to my own distracted head-blur AND the other patients voicing their disdain for it-- again, understandable in the disorder-- BUT, because of that, my heart DID still sincerely respond, "well I love it," and so it did. ♥ You know what else we love? The sweet potato souffle! ♥ That, too, got complained about by others in the past, but for us, it was love at first bite!! ♥ It, too, has a "skin" like the gravy gets, probably from eggs, but its skin is bouncier & firmer and sticks together like skin on pumpkin pie AND on the VHC-oatmeal this morning-- I still can't get over how cool that was!! ♥ But as if that wasn't lovely enough, the inside is like a sweet potato pie-- densely soft & softly "sticky" without being sticky... as smooth as ever but with SUCH a heavy, beautiful, thick mouthfeel. I need to spend more time with it next week, if I'm here-- with ALL of this meal, because I really do treasure it so. ♥ Thank You God!! ♥

8PM Snack= three bags of salsa Sun Chips because I miss 'em and they're lovely. ♥ That particular "warm" taste & tone (and, I swear, temperature) of the Sun Chips is always so nice and soothing, and that tomato-&-cheese salsa sweet kick on these is fantastic, heat without spiciness! Well, not the "burny" sort, at least. But yes, I love 'em-- and Psyche REALLY helps in eating them, as he's not ashamed of crumbs or crunching! He's just too full of pure affection & gentle strength & solid integrity. Learn from him, dude! ♥

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SELF SELECT 061317 = Jun. 13th, 2017 11:30 am = #5 (LUNCH) ~TUESDAY 0613~ (1) D | (1) FR | (3) S | (3) P | (3) F | (1) CS | (~)V
1) A large spinach salad w/ mushroom, cucmber, & broccoli (~V) 2) 1/4 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 3) 3 tbsp Caesar salad dressing (3F) 4) 1 tsp sunflower seeds (~F) 5) 4 packets mayonnaise (2F) 6) 1 dinner roll (1S) 7) 1 apple (1FR) 8) 1 bag cheddar & sour cream Ruffle chips (1CS)
9) 1 1/2 cups cajun pasta fresca (3P 2S) 10) 480mL decaf black tea (-)
Pasta is a LOT easier to eat when you cut it up tiny, put mayo in it, and use a spoon! I put the apple, chips, & cheese in the salad again, plus the mayo, dressings, & seeds-- it was SUPER good, but I think the dressing was a little TOO potent! Next time I make a cheddar salad, let's try a milder dressing! The pasta was LOVELY, too-- it had melted cheese & stewed tomatoes and it was SPICY! By the way, those chips were BOSS. I ate the dinner roll with the VHC as I was short on time, but it was really sweet that way-- in both senses! ♥
But yes, this meal was lovely. ♥ Just take your time, and LOVE it!! ♥new friends!= caesar salad dressing, Ruffles chips

Jun. 12th, 2017 09:30 am = Love & Courage, no matter what! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, a chocolate prezel NuGo bar, vanilla Greek yogurt, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, orange spice tea, and an orange. This is a super great breakfast, actually! And it's also a much better fit for the orange & yogurt combo, because the orange CAN be saved for last in this one, unlike on Friday-- today, we start with that precious little crumbcake, and that gives us a bowl FOR the orange, too! But yes. Lovely stuff! Especially that little crumbcake, honestly; it's SO delicately light and fluffy, in texture AND weight-- it's like holding a little cloud. Its mouthfeel is beautiful-- buttery-sweet and cakelike but not sticky or heavy, although it DOES get this nice cushy denseness that still feels light, despite also holding such gentle warmth. And all those little indigo-purple blueberries, the PERFECT color complement to the golden tone of the crumbcake-- itself also sprinkled with those lovely flour-sugar-crisp crumb-topping bits, all a pale brown tint, lifting up the color vibe even more in happiness-- tasted so happy too! They always have this sort of stalwart optimism to them, without being overly outgoing about it, so to speak-- again, it's a Blue thing. ♥ OH!! And so is the VHC!!! I'm SERIOUS-- I drank it slow today, savoring that thick texture & creaminess, that rich neutral-vanilla tone, and that unique "vitaminy" back-flavor... and suddenly, as it hit me, my mind lit up BLUE. Like, Waldorf blue! I have NEVER tasted anything that color before!! But, in a weird & exciting way, it MAKES SENSE-- in the spectrum System function, Blue was always tied to technology-- to motherboards and processors and servers. Gray is libraries and encyclopedias and books-- written data, paper and pencils, facts. But BLUE is a microchip. Blue is binary language. Blue is the network that MOVES that information, that makes it flow-- Blue takes solid, isolated book-facts and turns them into globally fluid digital book-facts, as it were! It opens the covers of EVERY book in that library and combines them into an ocean, whereas Gray is more systematic, more pick & choose, slower and deliberate Blue is movement, serendipity of discovery-- the open sharing of knowledge. But yeah! So having VITAMINS taste blue, when they are in such a condensed "supplement" state, makes a LOT of sense, actually! So I'm psyched. FINALLY I have a taste for that color!! Also? Blue's color buddy tends to be yellow, and that vanilla soymilk this morning? It was WARM. That's the BEST, bro! The gentle pale-yellow vanilla tone, mild and yet still holding its color's native happy feeling, was SO gentle & smooth without the cold's altering influence (cold makes everything a bit "brighter" and sharply-clear, like snow does to sunlight, and the extra bright tone of winter air), and its sweetness was really beautiful as a result. I'm also totally familiar with what the soy aspect tastes like, as you also know-- that matte white lovely neutral tone-- and that, too, was nice and clear today. I was very happy with it, emphasis on "with"! ♥ Next up, the NuGo! I can taste the agave sweetness in the crisps now-- it actually goes quite nicely with the sea salt, and the dark chocolate! And yes, again, this lovely little bar tasted EXACTLY like the real thing. Halloween memories! I'm really looking forward to that holiday this year-- PLUS I just realized, I can ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE IT IN THIS YEAR. ♥ I might just have to get SUPER BUFF (I do have like, 16 solid weeks to do so) and go as Bismuth or Jasper or maybe even Garnet. Who knows, maybe by then I'll even meet ANOTHER boss Gem to befriend, and "be" as a friend on that special evening! ♥ Either way, THAT'S a great recovery goal to work towards! And, I must reiterate, I MUST keep the "biggest picture" in mind. No matter what I eat or don't eat, in the end, I AM going to die, and go to God, and He isn't concerned by those little details-- He wants to know HOW I ate them, WHY I ate them... did I choose out of Love? Did I act out of Love? Where did my motives flow from-- Christ's Living Water, or the sewage of the devil's selfish lies? In the end, what matters is that I DID EVERYTHING FOR THE GLORY & PRAISE & LOVE OF GOD. That's it. THAT'S the biggest picture. If I eat Halloween candy, I am Lovingly obligated to do so WITH LOVE, for God in it and in me. I must treat it with prudence & reverence & gratitude, FOR God's Goodness in both creating it AND in giving it to me TO Love, to partake of His Creative joy & wonder of Life. But yes, that's really all I need to be concerned about. I WILL die, one day, and if I treasure that temporality in MYSELF AND in the food, then I won't be afraid of ANY also-temporary suffering... because my heart's awareness will ALWAYS be focused on God... on the ETERNAL life, which I either work for or against in any moment here. And so, to conclude? THAT ORANGE & YOGURT WERE A BLESSING AS ALWAYS. ♥ The yogurt, with the juice added in, tasted LEGIT creamsicle-- and the orange itself tasted SO sweet and fresh and alive. ♥ I thank God for that experience, and Love Him THROUGH it. ♥

Lunch= breaded chicken, three potato pierogi w/ butter & parsley, a chocolate syrup mini-sundae, 2% milk, and vanilla VHC. I actually REALLY LIKE this lunch. Like, a LOT. ♥ And I absolutely saturated this one with it... and SO DID GOD. ♥ He meets us where we are, and when we put forth sincere heartfelt prayerful effort... and then just let go, dive in, and TRUST... He completes our efforts by giving us, through His Grace, MORE Love & Strength & Courage than we could EVER have on our own-- obviously, because our hearts are MEANT to be with God!! ♥ So when they ARE, everything just fits perfectly into place. Everything comes together in time, in harmony... you can feel the overjoyed song of Creation in every atom, singing Love & praise & glory to God in the highest. It's beauty, beyond our mind's ability to comprehend or imagine... we can only experience it through Grace, through just being in it, with pure and open hearts-- again, in Christ, in the Holy Spirit, who are that Song, essentially. Words can't ever capture it, but it demands reverence, so I will simply say this-- bless God for it, in Loving gratitude & awe, right now. Then return His embrace, and continue to live In Him, FOR Him. And on that note, here's the lunch He gave me, and which I sincerely enjoyed! ♥ The last was the breaded chicken, but I'm mentioning it first, because it was DELICIOUS and gorgeously so. The breading was soft but not mushy, and slightly salty, and I added pepper to it so it was reminiscent of Saturday's lovely spice! It tasted SO NICE, and its mouthfeel is smooth and medium-light and so good. And the CHICKEN! It, too, had a salted taste, and it was SO juicy-- it WAS that beloved "KFC" taste!! ♥ It was softly chewable in mouthfeel but not stiff or mushy, or soft like dark meat. Honestly it was WONDERFUL-- and, while eating it, a song came on the radio that had the EXACT childhood-joy, DW vibe that defines Venomabat's style, and my heart just LIT UP. ♥ "Just imagine," and "dance," and "can't stop the feeling," I think the chorus said... but it was LUMINOUS. It was the sort of "mall sunshine" vibe that little me got from Natural Wonders & places like that. Wonder, love, bliss... imagination! So THANK YOU, GOD, with ALL my heart, for that. ♥ I am so happy, TRULY so, that I could cry! And THAT is a blessing, too. THAT, too, is His Grace at work, even in the radio... even in the chicken! God is everywhere, and all it takes to SEE that is a heart made clean through Christ... through the Loving, forgiving, healing Grace Of God. After all, the "world" CANNOT accept or believe God's Spirit... and you cannot recognize that which is not within you. But I LOVE God, so much it brings tears to my eyes, and if I hold fast to that always, holding Him within my heart, closer than life itself... then I'll REMAIN able to see Him, for His sake... for His Love... for His Love in me, too... and of me, too. My mind can't comprehend the sheer BEAUTY, humbling and ineffable, of that, but it, too, is blissful, in knowing that it's TRUE. ♥ Oh, and on that note? There IS a part of my heart, a hue in the Spectrum, that LOVES MILK. Like, straight up milk. "She" shimmered in for a moment as we drank it, and that SINCERE, PURE LOVE, untouched by lies, touched US, and now our heart CAN see that... we CAN feel that. GOD'S GRACE, YET AGAIN!!! ♥ Same with the sundae, which Chocoloco AND his mysterious vanilla-counterpart both ate, and he felt such heart-resonance deep appreciative love for God's gift of that chocolate, RECOGNIZING God's Goodness IN it, was ALSO so strongly tangible that I firmly believe it will totally prevent any lies from EVER touching the beloved sundae again. ♥ Thank You, God... thank You for US, and Your Love working IN us, THROUGH us, for YOU. ♥ We are ALL deeply humbled and grateful and reverently joyful for it, believe me. And speaking of God, the pierogi today tasted JUST like church picnic & Christmas memories!! It's that POTATO FILLING, dude-- however they make it, it has this particular rich, salty, thick but velvety-smooth mouthfeel & flavor and it's a JOY to eat!! And the flour shells, too, have that blessedly firm-stiff edges and doughy texture and chewy floury mouthfeel, and with that BUTTER and that PARSLEY, colors that complement the off-white simplicity beautifully in both literal hue and taste tone-- all fresh dark green and mellow ambered yellow-- it's lovely. It makes me love my heritage even more, too. ♥ AND it pairs SO WELL with the chicken, AND the milk, AND even that sundae-- all white and brown like its pals on the plate, different but still sharing those little similarities! It's so gorgeous how color can connect everything like that, deep down. I adore it. The rainbow IS God's gift, after all! ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo bar, AND a mint chocolate chip NuGo bar! ♥ I do love them both, and I mindfully enjoyed them both, too-- the cool, soft-matte solid texture & taste of the chocolate coatings-- warm & welcoming for the former, minty & clean for the latter-- and the salty but sweet CC crisp taste accented with rich cocoa-chocolate bits, and the DOUBLY rich cocoa-chocolate salty-sweet crisps of the MC! So ALL THREE were loved today, and thank God for that! ♥

Dinner= meatloaf, french fries, an oatmeal raisin cookie, ranch dressing, salt & pepper, ketchup, and a spinach salad w/ mushroom, 1/4 an egg, and two grape tomatoes-- and, of course, vanilla VHC. And yes, yet again, this meal was blessedly SATURATED WITH LOVE-- fiercely so, because as always, everyone else condemns the poor meatloaf, and so I have PROMISED it from the bottom of my heart that, every Monday while I'm here, I will CHALLENGE those fear-based and/or non-compassionate lies by LOVING that meatloaf with all the ardent attentive grateful sincerity I can muster-- to PROVE to it, and to others, by the grace of God, that it IS Loveable, and I DO Love it, honestly, no matter WHAT the "peer pressure" might demand. And I don't condemn anyone! I love all the people in this unit, too, and they probably feel that they have legitimate reasons TO dislike it-- or outright despise it, in some cases. And it's OKAY to not "prefer" something-- as long as you can do so LOVINGLY. And that's the issue here-- people aren't feeling ANY love or appreciation for the meatloaf, even from a totally objective perspective, such as at least acknowledging & respecting that not only is it a gift of food to heal their body, but it is a food that was prepared for them, therefore they can be grateful at least for that effort... OR they can simply honor the animal(s) whose LIFE was given to nourish theirs THROUGH that meat... OR, at the deepest & most basic & most IMPORTANT level, they can be grateful that it is STILL GOD'S CREATION, no matter what judgments may fall upon it. It is STILL GOD'S GIFT... still His art, even if our human hands are a bit clumsy in handling those gifts. But Love loves that, too-- the same way a father loves a child. God sees what's in our hearts, and if they are truly in the RIGHT Place, then even if we are kinda klutzy, God will guide our steps even so. BUT THE KEY IS LOVE-- and you gotta be OPEN to it, bro!! So it hurts to see people not open to loving some foods here at all; at least, not yet. Which is a huge part of why I am DEDICATED to Love despite all opposition and challenge. If someone sees me truly enjoying that meatloaf, with all Loving sincerity of heart, and that inspires THEIR heart to soften just a little, to open just a little... then God has done His Good Work through me testifying, however simply, to Him, and that is all I EVER want to do. But hey! God's hand is everywhere, remember-- and even their rejection is being used for His Greater Purpose, most evidently in so motivating me TO challenge it!! So yes. Lots of awe & reverence & humble glorification of Our Creator here. And also? Today I felt that Love-courageously-to-testify-to-Truth motivation TWICE as hard, because Patricia-- struggling with the lies of the E.D.-- said "I hate mushrooms," like it was indisputable. Well I disputed the HECK out of it!! I SAVORED those mushrooms 1000%, even smiling as I ate them, NOT for show, but out of GENUINE APPRECIATION and joy for their uniqueness and how blessed I was TO be able to experience them. But yeah, isn't that humbling and amazing, how when faced with such vices, especially when they claim to be absolute, God inspires us to CHALLENGE them with as much simple, pure, ardent Love as we can open ourselves to? Because THAT'S what's actually happening, too-- you can't try to show love. You just set your heart on it, in total courageous faith & trust, and suddenly Love is already there-- God POURS it into us, THROUGH us, by His Grace, by our openness TO that Grace, and suddenly you can't not Love everything. Joy just... blooms. And everything that's not Love, and therefore NOT true, such as fear & hate & condemnation-- all those lies just seem to fade away into their inherent nothingness. They feel totally empty. Love just triumphs, quietly and without force, but with more brilliantly irresistible power and beautiful strength than ANYTHING else in all of Creation, and in the wake of such a flood of Divinity, well... nothing unloving can stand. And so, tonight as on all Monday nights, I opened MY heart with all unashamed faithful trust & devotion & Love, and let God's Truth move in me to show that Love to EVERYTHING in this meal, by MY Love for it all, THROUGH God. It always, always boils down to that, and I am profoundly grateful for it. It is what I live for now, without question, and if I stay true, then there is no disorder. ♥

8PM Snack= chocolate & vanilla ice creams, a berry magic cup, and a blueberry pop tart! ♥ The poptart was heated but then I let it sit and the insides got SUPER GOOEY-STIFF and it tasted like LEGIT pie filling and it was LOVELY. And the magic cup was WONDERFUL-- I had forgotten how it tasted, and WOW. It's soft pink! It's the color of cotton candy and bubblegum for heaven's sakes; it's straight-up PINK and I LOVE IT. And the vanilla ice cream is TIED to childhood memory, and the chocolate had the COOLEST top-skin on it. Lots of love tonight! ♥

Jun. 11th, 2017 09:30 am = ♥ trinity Sunday! ♥

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, an english muffin, cream cheese, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, apple cinnamon chai, and a fresh fruit cup (four grapes, pineapple, cantaloupe, & honeydew). This is honestly such a beautiful breakfast; it's optimistic & gentle & joyous & comforting and it's full of my favorite things! To start, we have the fruit-- the most colorful stuff in Creation, with flavors & textures just as lively and sweet! The grapes were all slightly browned at the tops, which I DO like, because it makes them more like raisins in taste, further emphasizing that mental connection and helping me further value their wonder, too. Their mouthfeel is supercool-- the skins stay chewy-firm and tart while the gelly insides even out into water-sweet freshness. It's a cool balance! The pineapple, too, showed both its sides today-- the light yellow pieces were firm & tart & more "peach-like" in springy texture, but their taste was milder & more watery than the dark yellow pieces, which were more watery in texture, and far softer and not springy, but also MUCH sweeter, & barely tart at all! It's also a cool balance! As for the melons, they, too, had their own structural & flavor variations-- each piece seemed crisper and more watery & mild at one end, and sweeter & softer & more flavor-dense at the other. I only got two honeydew pieces but they were just as delicate & cool & light-sweet as ever; I really do like them a lot! There was a lot of cantaloupe, and I'm becoming fonder of it, too, each time we meet! ♥ It's such a pretty color, and it's fascinating how its flavor & texture match up PERFECTLY! That melon-sweet, rosy-peach-vermilion tone color wouldn't fit a crisp or watery fruit, but that uniquely "plush" soft density of the cantaloupe is the perfect fit! I'm just concerned that I keep getting weird bad-past flashbacks from it. Well! I say, NO MORE of that! The cantaloupe WILL be free & light & pure again, defined by joy & happiness! God will help us to do so, undoubtedly, IF we remember to ASK AND TRUST. God wants ALL of His Creation to be free & pure & joyful & Loved, infinitely more than we EVER could-- no matter HOW ardently we also work for & pray for & protect that holy ideal-- and that's a HUGE source of Hope!! In the end, no matter what, ALL things will be complete in God. He WILL heal all hurting things... and what a humbling honor it is ti be able to help Him accomplish that NOW, through the Trinity's Love IN & THROUGH US!! ♥ So I WILL continue to do so for the fruit-- AND I also did so for the tea! Somehow a lie got into my mind that I "disliked it," so I CHALLENGED that, and PROVED IT FALSE! I thoroughly enjoyed that tea! ♥ It's all sweet spices-- cinnamon, cardamom, clove, ginger, allspice-- and then there's that fresh autumn-apple flavor with it!! Remember the BLISS of the "Dishonored-Autumn?" Yeah, that's basically what it tastes like. ♥ I'll revisit it again tomorrow, don't worry. Same with the vanilla soy-- it was too cold today, and the flavor was mostly hidden, but I still caught the finest taste of its light sweetness, & loved it so. And the VHC in contrast had its "salt" tone highlighted without losing its own creamy-heavy sweet tone & flow. That sort of vanilla, too, also reminds me of autumn! ♥ That's such a lovely vibe. BUT! That's still three months away! Right NOW, we have different yellows & oranges, in my DEAR OMELETTE. ♥ And today, it was BEAUTIFULLY CHEESY. Honestly they've never put that much in it before, and in both flavor & color it was WONDERFUL! The softer yellow, touched with fluffy white, of the eggs, embracing the amber-tint glow of the cheese, is so visually lovely, and the way their unique but harmonic salty-umami tastes work together, in such a soft yet not-mushy mouthfeel, is just joyous. ♥ I REALLY treasured it today, being able to fully appreciate that little extra blessing! And, yes, the same goes for my finalizing friend, the english muffin & cream cheese! ♥ The muffin, when warm & steam-moistened like that, gets a GORGEOUS texture-- it's almost doughy, but springy & airy, and NOT sticky or dense!! It's blissful to chew, as its firm-yet-soft resistance also makes its harder outer "crust" chewy, and with the soft-chewy fluffy bread inside... oh man. It's SO NICE. ♥ By itself it's beautiful enough, but when you go and add the CREAM CHEESE to it? BOY HOWDY. ♥ We have a winner!! The cream cheese is so thick but its not sticky or dense like nut butters, and its soured-but-sweetly-salty uniqueness, over that cultured, yogurt-like base tone, is ALSO wonderful on its own, but again-- when paired with the unique sourdough-like "fermented" taste of the english muffin, plus its own bready sweetness and lightness, and whoelsomeness even so... together, their tastes just SING. They play off each other in similarity & contrast SO WELL. ♥ And their combined mouthfeel is just the perfect consistency, smooth & soft but not too thick or too thin, and still somewhat chewy from the muffin! It's a mach made in heaven, dude, and I can't help but sincerely thank God for His Creative wonder evidenced in it, for His Love & Generosity in blessing me with it, and for His Grace & Mercy in opening my mind & heart TO Love it so. ♥

Lunch= a large salad w/ 3 grape tomatoes, 3 cucumber slices, lettuce, carrot, violet cabbage, 1/2 an egg, turkey strips, & swiss cheese; a slice of apple pie, a dinner roll, a butter pat, cranberry juice, and vanilla VHC. Plus golden Italian dressing! It always amuses me how long it takes to eat a salad, as simple as they look-- it's the process of forking all those leaves, man. It takes at least 10 solid minutes, close to 15 for this one, BUT I'm getting even better with timeflow and I STILL ended with 5 minutes clear! ♥ So that's awesome. So was the salad! It had two BIG iceberg-lettuce "chunks" today-- my favorite-- and the dressing worked really well with that, as the crisper whiter pieces hold more and take less time to get on a fork, obviously. But the greener, thinner leaves are always lovely, too-- you can't beat that chlorophyll taste!-- although I had to wrangle some of those with a spoon. Ah well. I'm honestly just grateful for all of it, including the sweet carrots & vivid-bite cabbage, the cool cucumbers, and the fantastically firm but juicy grape tomatoes. They're MUCH firmer in texture than this morning's grapes, not just in surface resistance but also in how "dense" the insides are? Grapes are squishy, but grape tomatoes burst! They're both delicious, though-- and I'm still going to make an ironic fruit salad one day, court decisions be darned! OH-- and today, I ESPECIALLY have to thank God for the Italian dressing, because it was beautiful with the lettuce-- all amber-tart and oily-smooth and perfectly complementing its delicate pale greens & whites. Color harmony! I do love the dressing, and if anyone says otherwise, they're lying. The dressing is a blessing, and that's that. ♥ So are the savory salad bits! The egg still has that mysteriously beautiful female-life taste to it-- PURITY, the truth of that God-given power-- and that glossy white texture, that uniquely matte-yellow moist-dry yolk, are just so wondrous to experience. Eggs are lovely. They're MEANT to be warm, though-- which is why freshly boiled ones taste the best. But salt helps, too! I'll try a little on it next week, maybe. But as for the turkey? It's PERFECT as-is! I also never noticed how beautiful it LOOKS-- it has these clear "veins" of fat running through it, almost iridescent, and so amazingly elegant! And the turkey itself is cut as easily as fish, falling to bits according to those lines, and so moist and soft while remaining firm. The ends of a few pieces were also slightly "fatty"? They were cream-colored and more jelly-subtle in texture. But they tasted amazing, too! I still can't pinpoint exactly how turkey differs from chicken.. hit it is sweeter, softer, moister, and pinker? The color tone is different! And that moist quality is ALSO different than a juicy chicken- it's more applied to the meat itself, not any moisture held alongside it? We'll get more comparisons in the future, don't worry. They're both delicious no matter what. ♥ So is the SWISS CHEESE! The flavor is admittedly still a surprise-- it's VERY milky, moreso than cottage cheese, but it's also more fermented? It's like the english muffin, holes & all! ♥ So of course I treasure it. There's always more to love-- AND, even if it's not my "favorite," I STILL LOVE IT. A "favorite" just resonates with me personally. But I love ALL foods, because, being Created things, they ALL resonate with GOD. Deep down, everything does, and so even in this life, there is the Graciously infinite potential to catch glimpses of the attributes of God-- like His sweet comforting warmth, glimpsed through the apple pie! ♥ I actually was surprised in my experience of it today-- "Stay" came on the radio, and the rhythm & style of that song really resonate with me-- and that resonance must've BOOSTED my loving awareness capacity because the pie memory is SUPER CLEAR!! Dude, now THAT'S a blessed tool I HAVE to use in the future!! But yes-- the "wilted but still fresh-sweet-tart" taste of the apples, cozy in the cinnamon-warm golden pie filling, not stiff but not runny, and just the right amount of sweet to complement that BEAUTIFUL buttery-floury-baked-golden-brown crust, soft & pliable but not mushy, and with a blissfully smooth but subtly doughy mouthfeel. It was LOVELY-- as was my dear little dinner roll, which got STEAM-DOUGHY and so was even more enjoyable to eat, with its still-fluffy parts and heat-brown crust-top and lovely sweet-bread taste... and then that last bite, rich & smooth with creamy salty butter, is ALWAYS beloved. So is that thick & sweet-gentle VHC, don't forget! But yes, this was a wonderful lunch. ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo bar, because I've been "avoiding" them for unknown reasons and that must always be fixed! So one night I'll have to do the triple challenge for it, to really settle it in... maybe tonight, who knows! But honestly, I should-- I WANT to love them as much as I love the other two kinds. I also didn't realize that they have ACTUAL chocolate chips in their crispy parts! THAT'S cool. But yes, they deserve total heartfelt love, too. We'll get that anchored in soon, I promise. ♥

Dinner= SALMON, steamed broccoli, a baked potato, a butter pat, chocolate milk, vanilla VHC, and a vanilla magic cup-- which was ALREADY on my tray, so it thawed out to that BLISSFUL pudding-like texture & consistency, not frozen at all! And oh man, I missed this stuff. ♥ It DOES taste super similar to the VHC in both sweetness, thickness, AND vanilla flavor-- but!! Their color tone is NOTABLY different! The VHC is beige, and the Magic Cup is french vanilla yellow. So there IS a noticeable taste difference: the magic cup has a sweetness closer to that of the soymilk, and VERY similar to straight-up vanilla pudding (french, obviously) in flavor type, with a marked sugar sweetness that DOES give that back-of-the-throat "burn" after a bit. But the VHC doesn't taste "sweet" in a sugary sense at all; it's surprisingly mellow & mild, if that makes sense? And of course its vanilla tone is neutral brown, not yellow. That makes a WORLD of difference, really! But the coolest thing about them both is that they have virtually the SAME CONSISTENCY. Yes, the VHC is fluid and creamy and the MC is more solid & pudding-like, BUT that particular "soft-denseness" of mouthfeel is SUPER SIMILAR. If you made the VHC a pudding like the MC, and made the MC a legit fluid (however heavy) like the VHC, there would only be a viscosity difference, I think? The VHC would be a little softer, less dense, not sugar-tasting sweet of course (it'd be DELICIOUS, absolutely), and the MC would be QUITE thick, more like actual pancake batter in heaviness, and of course with that yellow-vanilla sugar-sweet-undertone taste. In any case I love 'em both very much! ♥ I ALSO love the potato!!! ♥ I put butter AND pepper on it, and that alone was wonderfully delicious, BUT! This particular potato DID have the exact same mouthfeel as the home fries!! Yes, that certain soft-starchy quality that heat gives it! Often these potatoes are still "too white-starchy," cooler of course, not as soft-uniform, "falling apart" in that particular dry way when you cut it. THIS one split more like a yellow potato?? It stayed together more, and WAS a little yellower in tone than usual, I think! Either way I LOVED IT DEARLY. ♥ Thank God. It's about time I'm finally able to truly, sincerely, effortlessly love potatoes! And, of course, I love how their skins taste, too-- that particular super-neutral earth-tasting brown, incredibly comforting & strengthening both at once! And its TEXTURE is awesome too-- like its taste, it's so earthy, so natural-- it's a very beloved quality of potatoes, actually, that most other vegetables ONLY have when fresh-picked: that literal taste of earth. I adore it, I really do. And I guess it just sticks in that beautifully rugged texture of a potato's skin, just as it sticks in beets & carrot tops & such. But yeah-- there is an unsurprisingly deeply comforting vibe that comes from tasting the very earth from which ALL plants grow... just as it's profoundly comforting to taste water & sunlight in fresh vegetables. ESPECIALLY those dark green, chlorophyll-dense leaf vegetables! ♥ Dude-- imagine what it would taste like to have a salad of FRESH-picked lettuce with like, freshly-unearthed carrots. That would be BLISS. And hey, it IS farmer's market time, so when we go home, we CAN do that! (Plus you gotta love those spinach roots from the Pittston folks!! ♥ ) For today, though, we have differently beloved gifts to enjoy just as deeply & joyfully, for the beauty of God they hold in DIFFERENT, but no less important and JUST as Good ways... like the dear dairy in the butter, so perfect on the potato, richly yellow-warm & smooth and enhancing its own taste with its fat-blessing, AND the sweet cocoa-delicate taste of the chocolate milk, which I am legitimately beginning to enjoy, thanks be to God-- AND the blissful fact that THEY PUT SEA SALT, HERBS & GARLIC ON THE BROCCOLI TODAY. Like seriously dude, WHOA. Totally unexpected & unprecedented, but AMAZINGLY delicious! See, that's why I love the meals here, too-- they're always slightly different from week to week! There's always a surprise of some sort in the preparation or presentation. There's always evidence of God's infinite Creativity! ♥ And so it also was with the beloved SALMON-- which was TOTALLY covered in herbs today, and still tasting so unusually like chicken! It's such a MEATY fish!! But I LOVE it. Its texture, its tendency to resist clean cuts due to how ironically dense its meat is in its lightness... the way it practically slides apart when you go WITH the "grain"... the color, the taste... I can access the data clear as day now, so unique & beloved-- especially because of the HEALING VICTORY & PEACE OF LOVE & FORGIVENESS it holds!! ♥

8PM Snack= CHOCOLATE CHIP NUGO TRIO!!! ♥ Told you I'd do it! Love demands action; it's proved and strengthened by what you DO! Which is why it's SO IMPORTANT to actually eat the foods I want to completely Love again, to make that TANGIBLE. And I did that with these! Did you know, those AREN'T chocolate chips, but chocolate CRISPS? And they taste LOVELY. ♥ So yeah, I am sincerely close friends with ALL the NuGo flavors now, thank God. ♥ Love and friendship win again! ♥

Jun. 10th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, Patricia! ♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a strawberry pop tart, a blueberry pop tart, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, chai tea, and 10 MINUTES TO SPARE!!! ♥ I'm learning to eat in less time while STILL treasuring & chewing every bite! My goal is to have <30m mealtimes at home, and <15m snacks, to not only give me more time to LIVE and create, but also to teach me to pay ever-closer & more-loving attention IN smaller time periods, learning to "holographically" value MOMENTARY data, therefore sanctifying and truly cherishing each moment, every tiny experience & fleeting event, therefore allowing me to COMPLETELY participate in life, as a unified whole, fluid & infinite IN its finiteness... eternity blooming FROM the temporal, if only we are there TO immortalize it in the NOW. Plus, smaller mealtimes will destroy that disordered compulsion of taking hours to overcomplicate things. And what do I always say to that? "Well, NO MORE!!" ♥ Time is true currency-- pun intended, double time!-- and, as I have also stated previously, if you don't value your pennies, you cannot value your dollars. And so on it goes, for the want of a nail, as it were. Reverence through constancy in Love, and Love granting attention through gratitude! We got this!! And on THAT note, it's breakfast time! The green chai tea always smells so strongly like Christmas-- it's deeply soothing & lovely. The VHC in its thick & creamy vanilla taste & warm tone, is also very comforting. The soymilk isn't that comfort-quality, as it's too light in tone and too playful in sweetness, but it's reassuring. It's very nice, always. And, surprisingly, the POPTARTS were actually comforting too, today? It must be a sweet-heavy-warm thing! (I think Ayurvedic medicine & diet agrees with that, actually!) But yes, they got wonderfully heated again, ALTHOUGH this time it seemed to affect them both differently? The blueberry one was very soft, and stayed quite warm-- it broke softly & easily, almost bending, and the icing was also softer. The filling tasted really nice, too, all warm like that-- it really made me smile! It was a cute, childlike warm comfort, like the Saturday-morning cartoon vibe of total safety & relaxation & happiness. The blueberry flavor is so unique, too-- it always surprises me how, despite its sugar-sweetness, blueberry filling like this is STILL soothing and serene at heart. Which makes total sense-- that color is like that! ♥ But the strawberry filling, when heated, becomes warmly "calmer" BUT stays full of brightly smiling enthusiasm! And THAT Poptart stayed firm like a biscuit, but the FLAVOR!! Dude it was like a FRESH pie crust, but not so floury-- it was warm but "buttery" so, and-- man, I can't even think of words to describe it but it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ Gosh. Honestly, the difference was surprising but so precious, in them both! Oh yes, and the strawberry icing was also not-melted OR softened like the blueberry-- it stayed firm, but it was mellowed just enough to match the also-warmer filling! Dude I legit might do Poptarts for snack tonight; I would love to experience this again. But the sugar isn't smart so late at night! So we'll see. In any case, I still have to wait at least two days to re-experience the blissful combo-trio of oatmeal, raisins, AND vanilla VHC! DANG, SON. The raisins are BELOVED to me now, 100%-- their soft yet firm-giving texture, their uniquely variant sweetness & crystallized sugars, their bit of fruit-tart red-violet tone-taste, and their awesome mouthfeel are all SO LOVELY and I am SO THANKFUL we are such close friends now. ♥ Same with my dear OATMEAL!! ♥ I almost never cooked oatmeal at home, and I've been missing out on its lovely, warm, humble, simple, gorgeously textured qualities-- which are treasured so deeply as they are, but which are complemented WONDERFULLY by those raisins, and which ALSO sing fantastically well with the VHC!! ♥ The creamy vanilla texture & taste spread out the oatmeal so it's silky, not sticky, and enrich its mild wholesomeness with its vanilla-beige mild sweetness, and all that is the perfect calming-sweet balance to the raisins' sharper sweet tendencies, and a wonderful "softening" influence on its stiffer textures too! All in all, it's SO NICE. ♥ The creamy light texture-- while STILL staying "thick" in terms of starch-sticky influence & VHC viscosity, without being heavy-- is so lovely, and a much-appreciated relief from old habits of eating waterless, super-dense oats-- such was not meant to be! But like this, they're happy & harmonious. If only I had some spices to put in them-- OH! I wonder if a tiny bit of the actual green chai spices would work?? We'll have to try on Tuesday-- splitting them between the oatmeal & the yogurt, & seeing how they sing! I'm sure it'll be lovely. ♥ But until then, I am totally grateful to God for today's breakfast gifts. ♥

Lunch= grilled chicken w/ herbs & garlic on a wheat bun, lettuce & 2 tomato slices, vanilla VHC, broccoli cheese soup w/ onion & carrot, and a strawberry syrup mini-sundae. I must say, again, right off the bat, that the devil keeps trying to lie about this meal, and that is NOT cool. So here's the truth: this is a GENUINELY NICE LUNCH. ♥ I sincerely enjoy the mini-sundaes, with their foamy-cream, vanilla-white sweetness, beautifully gentle texture & mouthfeel & tone... and then that joyous strawberry-red brightness & optimism acting as a perfect visual AND flavor complement! Then when the bottom-syrup mixes WITH the sweet-delicate white vanilla, its red enthusiasm softens to a blissfully gentle happy pink, tasting just so! I treasure EVERY bite of it. ♥ In contrast and yet in similarity, the vanilla VHC is thicker but still so beautifully smooth, its vanilla tone is heavier & leaning warm instead of being so airy & light-- white vanilla really isn't cool or warm? It's neutral, and can really lean either way based on context, I think-- and yet it's still just as kind & sweet, in both flavor & personality. I just wish I could grasp their flavors more solidly... that's why liquids do seem to be amenable to dunking & soaking & such: not only does it allow them to unite with another food AND enhance their flavor & texture, but it also allows the flavor of the drinks themselves to be more totally grasped, even as part of such a combination! It just requires wisdom & reverence for ALL parts of the unification-- dunking things NOT out of friendship but out of wantonness or rejection is sinful, obviously-- it's irreverent! It's ungrateful! BUT if one is able to TRULY & TOTALLY Love & respect each ingredient on its own, AS its own beautiful thing, AND is combining them SOLELY to CREATE a beautiful, LOVING UNION-- a cooperation, a greater whole that EMBRACES its parts and their individual uniquenesses while STILL being something new... if one is able to so "fuse" two unity-inclined foods-- pun intended, or rather, reference intended-- THEN it is holy and Good and precious and allowed. So, like the oatmeal & VHC this morning! ♥ BUT nothing in this meal-- it wouldn't have respected the existing, ALREADY complete unities!! But yes. On their own, both the VHC and sundae were 100% perfect & beloved. ♥ So was that good ol' broccoli cheese soup! I tried eating it first today, but it was too hot and that made the true flavor hard to distinguish. So I waited, and that not only let it cool, but it allowed for that beloved little dairy quirk of the "SKIN" on the top! I don't know why it happens but I LOVE it. ♥ So that was a bonus! The soup itself is really lovely in its simplicity... it's milky & cheesy, but both are mildly so, with a flowy fluidity and very subtle creaminess. And the broccoli was HUGE and DELICIOUS today-- three big stem pieces and TWO WHOLE CROWNS! They weren't "wilted" either-- despite being cooked & therefore a yellower-leaning desaturated green, they still had such loveliness in their flavor, now rich in that new hue, and held so well by that cheese-milk gentle warmth! Honestly, the color-flavor complement is so nice. Similarly, those bits of carrot & onion-- softer than usual & not as plentiful-- were also perfect, colored clear-white & rich vermilion, to complete that palate pallet! Lastly, but never least-- as always with finishing foods-- is the CHICKEN BURGER! And it was a SUPER NICE one today-- the chicken itself was LOADED with rosemary & garlic-- like the one we usually have on Thursday (which wasn't so seasoned this week; that's OK, as this one made up for it! ♥)-- and the bun was REALLY moist to the point where it could be squished-flat (best), but not so wet that it'd be soggy. And that moisture made it hold the super-thick chicken better, too-- although it's still tricky to get the lettuce to stay on a burger-- it tends to slide off-- and the tomato tends to drip. But no matter! All together, it's LOVELY. ♥ Today I cut it into fourths, both to prevent a big mess from grappling with the inevitable last-bite-of-the-burger challenge (it's delicious but it's so tricky to hold together), and to get an idea of how that sort of division would affect the burger-stability in terms of the same slipperiness... and it worked QUITE nicely! ♥ It made it more manageable, and felt like I was giving it closer attention, too, piece by piece. And that CHICKEN, dude-- it was SO tender & juicy & richly flavorful today, with that bright fresh tomato zip & richly green lettuce fullness & wonderfully wholesome & sweet-bready wheat bun... as always, this burger was truly loved. ♥ Thanks, God!!

3PM Snack= they totally forgot, and I was too busy looking up the mind-blowing variety of cheeses and cheese foods all over the world. It's fascinating! I can only imagine the variety of grain-based cultural foods! But that's what I mean about partaking in God's Creative Goodness and Infinite Wonder-- there are potentials & possibilities everywhere, and it's beautiful... temporary & fleeting, like like itself, but all the more precious & deserving of respect & grateful Love for that. ♥

Dinner= breaded & spicy chicken tenders, french fries, peach yogurt, and fig newtons, plus the usual vanilla VHC! A simple meal, but a dearly beloved one. ♥ I thoroughly enjoy this dinner, every single week-- and yes, I'm definitely going to have to learn to make my own at home! But as for now, let's start with the usual opener-- the equally simple & sweet Fig Newtons! Today they were inexplicably cold, and THANK GOD for that, because it made their texture EXTRA BEAUTIFUL! ♥ The cold made the fig insides FIRM, and the flour seemed a tad less prone to crumbling? In any case that texture shift was just WOW. It was a joy to chew, to bite, and to taste-- all lovely raisin-like sweet-tartness, but with a browner sugar tone, and less of a bite, and those SEEDS! ♥ The flour, too, had SUCH a nice taste-- how I ever thought it was flavorless I'll never know! But with the filling, it made such a good soft-thick mouthfeel, too. Lovely, lovely stuff. ♥ So was the peach yogurt! You've gotta really roll it around in your mouth a bit to turn the texture from silky-smooth & creamy to frothy-thick & heavy, but it is SO worth it. ♥ I don't think the Greek gets like that?? I can't tell if the "frothy" effect is from air or enzymes or what, but I'll have to check THAT on Monday or Tuesday (Tuesday is Greek Vanilla day, but Monday might be plain Strawberry-- we'll see). Until then, suffice to say that the peach was cherished. ♥ Those little fruit bits are so nice, darker amber-orange and tasting just a little sweeter & less "springy" in texture than the Dole cups, and the yogurt itself is this beautiful pastel-peach tint and it tastes just as nice-- the neutral gentle creamy taste of the yogurt base, all mildly sweet & cultured, plus the happy-bright overtone of an actual peach, one of the most purely joyous-tasting of fruits, blend into a surprisingly serene-yet-brightened flavor tone that is truly unique and which I NEED to experience more! (Maybe I'll have the peach on Monday?) The vanilla VHC was starkly neutral-sweet & calm-brown-toned in comparison to that peachy keenness-- and I drank it slowly, to really appreciate that taste AND its richly thick texture. Honestly it is SO cool-- I like how it's thick AND velvety smooth, not textured like a smoothie or blended drink! (I honestly cannot remember what milkshakes are like, SO I'll have to challenge myself with one of THOSE in the future, too!) <-- But speaking of milkshakes, how about those FRENCH FRIES? ♥ Honestly they are ALWAYS utterly perfect, in taste & texture both!! There was even a greener one today, a tiny tough pointy-edged piece, and it was LOVELY. Also, with those beautifully-firm-chewy yet oily-crisp pointy ones, I noticed that their "fried" surface tone-feel & texture & oiliness was reminding me of Christmas fish?? Like the Long John Silvers breading! I have NO other "fry"-like texture data besides these, the fish, and the home fries-- McDonalds & Farmers Market fry data is too soft & cushy-potatoey-- so it makes sense that my mind would go there. But yes, that's a curiosity-challenge of adamant Love that I want to do one day-- actually get as many different fast-food fries as I can & compare 'em. It wouldn't be a repeated thing-- it's unwise to base a diet around fast food-- BUT, so many people condemn & sneer & scoff at & fear fast food, my heart wants to CHALLENGE THAT, as well as the IRREVERENCE that many fast-food eaters show towards the food itself, eating it in a mindless rush or purely-sensory, almost hedonistic haze. I've done both in the past. That STOPS NOW. When I eat fast food, I want to SEE & TASTE GOD'S GOODNESS IN IT, TOO, and put that Loving challenge down in ardent victory of Truth over hate & malaise & fear. THAT is always my ultimate goal-- to love the loveless, to reveal the light despite the darkness, to bring hope to the hopeless... to testify to Truth and Faith and GOD when awareness of those is missing or muffled or even ignored. I want to LIVE my Christ-given calling to be a modern prophet & priest, to be part of His Holy People with and in everything I do, think, feel, & say. And step #1 is LOVE, ALWAYS, UNIVERSALLY, AND DIRECTED ALWAYS TO GOD-- in AND beyond all things! And tonight, I have to praise His loveliness in those LOVELY CHICKEN TENDERS. ♥ They were SUPER SPICY & CRISPY TODAY. ♥ The end bits were SO hard and crispy that I could barely even cut them, and they actually had a CRUNCH to them-- it was FLIPPIN' BLISSFUL, DUDE. ♥ And of course, the insides were white & soft but not juicy or salty, OR dry and tacky-- they were, like chew-soft? I'm still not sure HOW to phrase it! They bite so soft but there IS firmness to them, and their mouthfeel is so smooth-- it's awesome. Thank You, God, for this meal!! ♥

8PM Snack= because we missed 3PM, tonight was the SUPER HEALING CHALLENGE= one of each PopTart, a chocolate Sundae, AND Doritos! ♥ And ALL OF IT WAS AWESOME. ♥ The Doritos taste beautifully of corn & cheese, the sundae is all sweet foamy gentle vanilla and uniquely rich & "warm" chocolate-- Chocoloco loves it-- and the PopTarts, even cold, are so lovely & icing-sweet & buttery-biscuit kind & fruit-filling happy and smiling. I'd say this "challenge" was MET!! ♥

Jun. 9th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, miss Leyla ♥

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese English muffin, an orange, orange juice, chai green tea, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and an apple cinnamon Nutrigrain bar. Let's say it all together, now-- I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS BREAKFAST. ♥ I just do, man!! It's so totally GOOD. It's also been a while since I had an apple Nutrigrain, but this little darling was on my tray so I got to experience its blessings again by serendipity-- thanks be to God, of course! ♥ I have to say I REALLY like the "grain" parts of them, too, not just that lovely delicious warm-amber apple-cinnamon filling! The grains add to it of course, as a soothing wholesome unitive balance, all sweet & soft with wheat & oats, crumbly and gentle. I also don't know if I've ever properly described their mouthfeel? It's SO nice, honestly... the softness & crumbliness of the flour and the jelly-ish gooey-gummy filling combine so smoothly... remind me to pay extra attention NEXT week, and take notes if I have to! Also, remind me to EAT THAT ORANGE LAST because yes I did it again. I LOVE oranges but I ALSO love the BECM and I want to save THAT for last, BUT if I do, then that orange oil taste just gets everywhere, man. But it's OK; I just have to be DARING and eat that orange LAST! Hey, would THAT count as a TRUE challenge? Learning AND DOING the lesson that I DON'T have to "wait until the last minute" to have something I really love & enjoy, and then being forced to rush & not enjoy it? And why am I playing favorites?? I love oranges dearly, too-- I get just as happy when one shows up for me to Lovingly eat! So why shouldn't IT get the "seat of honor" for once, as it stands right now? See, THOSE are the sorts of ritualistic & obsessive behaviors/ thought processes that an eating disorder THRIVES upon. Well, never again. I promise you, next week I WILL challenge that baseless, unfair, frustrating compulsion, and regardless of what senseless anxieties & superstitious worries will arise, I WILL eat the orange last... and maybe even eat the BECM first. Yes, EVEN before the Nutrigrain!! Who knows? Maybe in eating it first, with a mind fresh for the day, clear & open, I'll taste it more clearly & totally than ever before-- I'll enjoy it more than ever before! ♥ And THEN, I can take my time with the orange, savoring ITS gifts & beauty as I dearly want to, not rushing... treasuring its cool vivid color & water, its sweetness & citrusy-oil peel, its unique & beautiful textures... yes, I think I'd like that. ♥ So I WILL! And see? THAT is recovery. THAT is TRUE conquering of the E.D.-- pulling out ALL its roots!! Because ANYTHING that is painful or distressing to my heart, ANYTHING that disturbs the True Peace of the Spirit's clarity in me-- the Spirit itself CANNOT be disturbed, but I can lose sight of it if I am being heavily bombarded with lies, sadly (although every victory of Love strengthens my soul AND body and makes my feet stand ever firmer)-- anything that "doesn't feel right," that ISN'T rooted in LOVE & PRUDENCE & WISDOM & PRAISE OF GOD... anything that has to lie & manipulate, it is ALL disorder. It ALL opposes God's True ORDER, which is harmony THROUGH LOVE! And Love is Truth, and "the Truth will set you free," and we have Love through Grace, and Grace gives COURAGE. Yeah, those rituals CLAIM to be loving, but they do not bring God's peace. They cause worry if questioned, they cause panic & fear if tested. They are VICIOUS, those compulsions. They are NOT things I should be listening to, because they are solidly UNTRUE by their very existence. And so, to make a long story short? I'm gonna FIND 'EM ALL-- find EVERY obsessive compulsive ritual I'm currently acting upon and CHALLENGE THEM ALL. And then I will watch them crumple to dust under their own weight of emptiness, and THEN I will be TOTALLY FREE of yet another vicious thing-- I will be FREE to choose what is MOST WISE, what is PRUDENT, what is LOVING. I will not be shackled to obsessive "only this, EVER" lies, that kill possibility & learning & discovery & LIBERTY. I want my heart to be at peace... I want to feel CAPABLE of choosing rightly, which CAN and WILL ONLY HAPPEN once all those deafening obsessions are gone... and I can finally hear and obey the SPIRIT OF GOD INSTEAD. In order to obey, I must first LISTEN! And... beautifully paradoxically... doing that DESPITE all obstacles automatically & instantly conquers them all. ♥ So trust God, obey Him, and be free. ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, a brownie, vanilla VHC, and ONE hot sauce packet-- which I had with the broccoli, to not be bad-mannered, and ALSO to further test whether or not I actually like it on food-- and the verdict remains a NOPE; it's just far too overpowering in both flavor and heat! I'm sure it goes well in certain combinations, but the broccoli by itself surely isn't one, and I apologize! Nevertheless, it WAS good in its own unique way, as all foods inevitably are, to be honest-- PLUS, concerning the way the color wheel works, reddish & greenish hues DO harmonize quite nicely, although quite contrastingly, too! But it's a science of beauty, and one I honestly want to study for the rest of my life.

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, which I ate in SEVEN minutes while watching an awesome Scrabble game! I'm getting better at being lovingly, GLOBALLY mindful-- I can BE in my physical environment with joyful curious interest & attention, WHILE ALSO paying loving, grateful, wonder-full attention to the food!! ♥ It requires DEEP PEACE, but with God, I CAN do it! ♥

Dinner= a cheeseburger on a white bun WITH 2 tomato slices & 2 lettuce leaves, cut peaches in syrup, a slice of strawberry cream cake, a single ketchup packet, a single hot sauce packet, and cottage cheese! Plus vanilla soymilk and vanilla VHC! Well, since I'm still not back on SS, I got the bonus blessing of being able to once again love & cherish this dinner! And I'm glad I did-- because this one is really lovely. ♥ I started with the peaches as usual-- I've become very fond of them. Their softly firm-springy texture & subtle tart-bite to their rich lovely amber sweetness is truly enjoyable, as is that syrup they're in-- still tasting of those white grapes!-- and I ALSO tried them with a bit of cottage cheese again, but the cheese was saltier this week and honestly wasn't meshing. Fruit goes better with similar sweet tones, I think? It varies, really! But that particular tartness of peaches & plums & such does not really seem to work with salt. TOO much punch, I'd say. Nevertheless, that's A-Okay! ♥ They are intended to sing different songs, with the BEST of their individual unique ability. ♥ Such "limitations" are not curses, they are BLESSINGS-- they show us where God needs us most-- where we can use our own unique gifts & qualities to the BEST of our ability, for the GREATEST benefit of others! And so, from THAT True perspective, suddenly our "limitations" & "weaknesses" become means of grace, and cause to rejoice-- because they show us where we shouldn't waste our efforts. Does that make sense? If I've not been given the Gift of public speaking, so to speak, THEN I know NOT to "force myself" to try and do THAT instead of what i HAVE been blessed with-- like listening, or personally reassuring, or even silently inspiring others. And if I was spending all my time ignoring THOSE LEGIT Gifts, trying to be something I was not "meant to be," at least not at that time in my life... THAT is a crime against faith!! Oh, ALSO-- MOTIVATIONS are VITAL!! There is nothing wrong with TRYING new things, OR developing new gifts... as long as we are doing so out of JOY and LOVE and SERVICE TO GOD. For example, I would love to get better at public speaking, BUT!! I have to make sure that I want to improve that skill for VIRTUOUS reasons-- for the good of others, and the glory of God, testifying to His Goodness-- NOT out of pride or envy!! Because one CAN want to do something they currently cannot solely to impress people, or "look good," or something similarly perfectionistic and/or otherwise negatively motivated.

8PM Snack= triple mint chocolate NuGo bars! ♥ I tried breaking them into pieces today & eating them bite by bite, instead of biting into the bar, hoping it would be less messy-- amusingly, it's moreso! Chocolate gets ALL over your hands, AND the breaking-up DOES tend to fuel "compulsive" habits! Don't let that stuff put down roots, bucko!! Pick the simplest, best example of loving & prudent behavior and DO THAT! ♥

Jun. 8th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, Angela!

Breakfast= a CHEESE OMELETTE, home fries, two turkey sausage links, earl gray tea, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, one ketchup packet, three hot sauces, and orange juice. Yes, I have to be honest with myself about my unsettling condiment addiction. I don't know why I feel compelled to drink the stuff out of those packets-- not just the hot sauce, I've noticed! It's the same with ketchup & salad dressings & mayo. Actually, I think I DO know?? It's because of the INITIAL CONTEXT! Since the condiments COME in a packet, my brain thinks THAT'S the food!! It's the SAME reason why I struggle with condiment bottles-- my brain thinks that the BOTTLE is the "serving size," and its obsessive-compulsive-completionist drive makes some distorted part of my mind think, "I have to finish ALL of it RIGHT NOW." I suspect that, because of that "can't comprehend the proper portion" problem, MAYBE it thinks that leaving ANYTHING "left over" is wasted? Ironically, what with its terrified bulimic response, but let's not dwell on the past. I'm only mentioning this because I want to FINALLY UNTANGLE IT, to find its ROOT MOTIVE, and whatever distorted beliefs are strengthening its compulsivity. I should really ask Staff about it, see if this is common in E.D. cases, AND if they know why. But, like I said, it's not just hot sauce. It's ANYTHING in packets, or bottles, or jars... that is fluid, or that can easily "become one"-- or, at least, something close to one. And you know what? That simple observation is probably the key, however bizarre & now-incomprehensible it is to my Love-&respect-dedicated mind, the TRUE me!! But yes, it makes pitiful "sense" that a bulimia-distorted mind would seek liquid or mushy foods... they're easy to binge on, & easy to purge. Let's leave it at that, except... I actually suspect another psychologized factor, when you consider WHY the bulimia developed in my life, at least-- liquids & mush are baby food. Bulimia, for me, was always, at its core-- however pained and desperate & distraught frustrated-sobbing-afraid it was outwardly & on top-- an attempt to soothe the weeping child-parts of me. Bulimia only developed because I first began to binge. And THAT only happened because some poor infant-part of my mind felt scared & helpless & unloved & hungry for care, for compassion, for comfort... and like any infant, when it had no access to the human contact-- the motherly love it desperately NEEDS-- it instinctively sought out, with life-threatened urgency & despair, the ONLY other source of comfort & safety & baby-tangible LOVE that it knew... it sought food. It sought BABY food. But no amount of literal milk or otherwise could ever satisfy its starving heart, its very being dying of thirst for simple human love... the most basic need. And, perhaps ironically, that need IS linked inherently to food, through the very virtue of motherhood-- of self-giving, of life-for-life. Food is feminine; food is motherly, food is a tangible manifestation of LOVE. That is why eating disorders are so tragic-- they are distorted, desperate attempts of a pained soul TO feel love in a painful absence of it. ...But GOD is the only Source of Love. And He is ALWAYS willing to give, to TRULY nurture our souls AS His precious children, to fill us with Love so that we TRULY feel nourished & satisfied & safe & Loved... and God can, and does, do this for us REGARDLESS of ANY & ALL external, temporal circumstances. God's Love is what we ALL truly seek, even in such roundabout ways. But "blessed are the poor," who have no choice BUT to turn to God for that fill in every sense... and who, even if their bodies are hungry, are STILL happy, because they are filled with Love of God, THROUGH the Love of God, and they KNOW that whatever happens to them on this Earth, it is His Will. ...And THAT'S the hope. When you DO surrender so totally to God, recognizing that all you ever have and all you ever WILL crave is Him, and so seek Him alone, at all times & in all things... well, then He WILL provide for your needs. ALL of them, in whatever way glorifies Him through You. ...For me, it was in being brought here, and ALL that entailed. I couldn't have realized these things if I hadn't suffered first. I couldn't feel empathy or offer true compassionate help to the suffering if I hadn't first suffered WITH them. ...And I couldn't comprehend the truly incredible joy OF being filled with Love if I hadn't first been starving to death. But God adopted me as His own through Christ, and He will NEVER forget or abandon His Children... and so that infant part of my soul can now rest, truly safely & satiated, in Him. ♥

Lunch= a vegetable burger on a wheat bun w/ American cheese, an ice cream sandwich, apple juice, vanilla VHC, and potato salad. No lettuce & tomato in the kitchen today, BUT that allowed me to really GET the burger info more thoroughly as its own thing! It DOES have huge mushroom pieces in it, and BIG carrot strips, but it also has red AND green bell peppers, AND... wait for it... WATER CHESTNUTS. I KID YOU NOT. It was AMAZING. They have that unmistakeable taste & texture and they worked BEAUTIFULLY WELL with the "rubbery" burger texture as a whole. And there was SO MUCH CHEESE. ♥ By the way, you know what's a really unexpected but beautifully merciful blessing? I DO love cheese, but. I DON'T want to binge on it. I love it. I respect it, AND GOD, and this body of ours, too deeply now... too lovingly, to ever do such painfully blind-to-love things ever again. So it's like... in the past, yeah, I'd eat a whole package of cheese & then purge it, but now? NO WAY!!! Cheese is my friend, you know-- you don't treat friends so disrespectfully!! So my soul is basically inclined to ALWAYS eat correct & respectfully loving portions now. To be gluttonous or irreverent or wasteful is appalling to me now, on a gut deep level, not just in mind & heart. My BODY agrees now, as full of Love and kindness as it now is, as healed as it miraculously now is, against all odds, by the mysterious & perfect Grace of God. So when I sit down to eat a veggie burger with cheese, as I did today, I see it as FOOD-- as fuel, as necessary for life, as literal life being perpetuated in me now-- as a FRIEND, and as a GIFT. I see it with a Loving heart and an understanding mind and a body that now has the freedom of joyful clarity & grace to do exactly that which God always intended it to do-- to eat the food, enjoy the food, use the food to strengthen our life, and store the food to use as protection & safety & strength, in the future as well! BUT I have to again make a powerful clarification-- the body will ALWAYS do that. God made it that way. God ALSO made "food," AND the act of "eating," an INHERENT, VITAL part of ALL Creation... and when I say all, I MEAN "all'!!! Why else do you think I have a Spotify playlist titled "edible sounds"? Why else would I have a tag on Tumblr photos of beautiful things called "#I want to eat this"? Why else would smell and taste be so deeply bound? Why else would we "hunger AND thirst" for righteousness, for peace, for Love? And above all, why else would the Holy Eucharist, most sacred & blessed Sacrament, exist as it does-- as GOD LITERALLY giving Himself to us AS FOOD? Because THAT is the true definition OF food, as far as I'm concerned. If food is fuel, if food gives our bodies strength to carry on, if food is life-giving... then, in applying that term across the board, the one true constant appears, as blissfully, almost hilariously CLEARLY as it is stated right in the Gospels-- CHRIST is the Bread of Life. His flesh is TRUE food; HIS blood is TRUE drink. And what does that mean in this context? It means that God is the Creator & Source of ALL life, and therefore, ANYTHING & EVERYTHING that is, IS ultimately God giving Himself to us. Every sound, every smell, every touch, every sight, every taste FIRST comes from the Hand & Heart of God-- and CHRIST SAW THIS TRUTH ALWAYS. There is NO life apart from God-- therefore, if we don't "eat" God, how are our bodies AND hearts AND souls supposed TO live?? They can't. NOTHING can. And so God became man-- became flesh-- and, knowing that fact, became LITERAL food, to give our bodies eternal life in His resurrected Glory, and to tangibly feed our SOULS with the very essence they require to survive. And yes, no matter how much literal food we eat, we WILL still die... but. IF we SEE and TASTE GOD'S PRESENCE IN that food, then we are seeing with the eyes of Christ-- we are allowing that food to become a way for God to again enter us and give us true life-- life of spirit, THROUGH our bodies. Through everything. It's ineffable. But yeah; Food is really a Divine reality, in that it is the only context in which Life can literally give itself to become part of ANOTHER life... the unity God always seeks with us. ♥

3PM Snack= one mint chocolate NuGo, AND one pretzel NuGo, DURING COMMUNITY MEETING. It was pretty funny! I had no choice-- gotta get the job done-- but hey, maybe that helped show Team that I CAN eat sensible AND chat intelligently at the SAME TIME, WITHOUT dissociating or getting anxious. I'm strong-hearted, yo, I can do it. ♥ God's helping me out, with all the Love He blesses me with! ♥

Dinner= chicken w/ herbs, instant mashed potatoes, corn, a butter pat, a pepper packet, 2% milk, vanilla VHC, and bread pudding w/ whipped cream & nutmeg. I had to put the pepper on the corn myself this week, which is good because it ALSO allowed me to appreciate the visual pun. Yes, it's great. But with the butter and the pepper on it, the corn tasted... beautiful. It's an odd word to choose, maybe, but it fits. The warmth & amber-melted smoothness of the butter, with its salty-wide richness of tone and fat-oil flavor, mixed with the equally warm, luminous yellow malty-sweetness and water-bright lightness of the corn, and accented with bright firework-black sparks of pepper, warm in a different way, and a PERFECT color complement to all that beloved sunny yellow hue... it really did taste beautiful. Thank God for that. ♥ I think that corn is going to be a very special, beloved friend to me for the rest of my life, actually-- for it to have been Gracefully, joyfully redeemed from the YEARS of paralyzing fear & condemnation & maybe even loathing that was WRONGLY & UNFAIRLY thrown upon the poor stuff for years, and then, after MONTHS of desperate but genuine, fear-soaked but ever-hopeful attempts to NOT fear it, to NOT hate it... for me to meet it here at COPE, and on that first Thursday night, the very end of week One, being OBLIGATED to heal it ON THE SPOT in order TO heal from the curse of fear at all, BOTH of us... from that night on, against ALL odds, in the face of EVERY fear and obstacle... we were friends. Straight-up, no turning back, no second thoughts. Friends, for Good. And I PROMISE that dear golden vegetable, ESPECIALLY in light of how atrociously it has been abused by devil-motivated food companies and such, that I will NEVER AGAIN fear or avoid it, that I will REMAIN its sincere, dear friend for the rest of my life-- that I will LOVE it, joyfully and with all the dear affection I can possibly hold, no matter what. ♥ And you know what ELSE?? I want to feel that way ACROSS THE BOARD-- to actively and LOVINGLY see and recognize my yellow friend (that COLOR, too, once alien to me, now beloved!) in ALL its various forms-- corn syrup, corn bran, corn meal, you name it-- and to LOVE THE HELL OUT OF IT ALL. Literally so. I want to advocate for that vegetable's inherent innocence & goodness & warm heart. And then I want to do the SAME for ALL the other foods that I used to fear, due to believing the devil's lies about them-- but most of all, to fearlessly & wholeheartedly LOVE the foods that so many other people hate, in disordered & distorted mindstates... milk. Butter. Potatoes. Meat. Sugar. Wheat. ALL of it. It ALL comes from God, and my heart KNOWS that, and FOR GOD'S SAKE, I PROMISE you... I WILL protect ALL of them from fear & hate & lies. I WILL fearlessly Love them, to PUT such God-given Love BACK into their global vibe, through powerful sincerity & courage & hope & dedicated forgiveness, on the behalf of ALL... and all of that, THROUGH & FOR GOD. I will be His servant, to help Love those foods back to Life, for the sake of honoring God's Creation & proving that it IS inherently innocent & loveable & GOOD, and MEANT for Good... I want to help God crush ALL E.D. lies under His feet, forever. And so I must become a tool in His hand FOR that purpose, in the only way I can... through Love. Constant, merciful, just, true, & unconditional. I will Love the food God made for His people, and I will Love HIS PEOPLE, IN that effort, too-- for they will ALL taste the healing OF that effort-- an effort of God, one that cannot fail, one rooted in infinite inherent ineffable Good... a process of simply testifying to that. And so is my purpose here. In the face of ALL empty, senseless, choking fears, ALL LIES-- despite them all, I will testify to TRUTH, by sincerely loving the bread, the milk, the sugar, the butter, the potatoes, the chicken, and the corn. AND the "backup drinks," too! All fear & pain is only projection, only a temporary falsehood. Brush that away, look to the heart, and what only is there? God. ♥

8PM Snack= one bag salsa Sun Chips, and two mint chocolate NuGo bars! A bit of a different combo, sure, but I absolutely love 'em both, and it was nice to have them together. ♥ Plus, dark chocolate & spicy-salsa allegedly work decently well together? I dunno, dude; I'll have to specifically try that one night-- IF the snacks are up to it, of course! But even if not, they are fully beloved on their own, and I am always so thankful for them both. ♥

(no dates listed; range from may 12th to june 17th??)

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biblical meaning of bronze?
sacrificial meal? OT

p61 refs

page 668+ CHERUBIM

★ISAIAH 41 (HOPE!!)

isaiah 47:2-3, 8-13 // 8:22

jeremiah 14:7-10, 11-16!
1 Chronicles: 28:3, 6-10?
★Deuteronomy 7:15-26! (esp.22)

WISDOM
★DEUTERONOMY 8

why did semitic peoples worship calves?

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(june? last page in back)

"cute gross" concept? (japanese artists)
"candygore," sparkly body substances (vomit, mucus, etc.),
★ turning the "gross" into something "beautiful?"promotes acceptance of those things normally, instead of denial/condemnation!!

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♫"good, good, good to be alive right about now."♫

(look up history of Syria?)
"In Syria one can literally learn the history of the world"

★DAMASCUS!! (oasis, EDEN)
★ "new ways destroy old virtues"
★ "the eye also feasts"

"But how can I complain?
I have chosen to go alone of my own free will.
That is the challenge, and I must meet it."
-Naomi Uemura

"It is useless to dwell on the mishaps that delayed me, and perhaps prevented me from arriving first. I have done my best in my own way, as I am sure they have done in theirs.
To resent their success would be unworthy. Instead, I feel gratitude for having come safely so far. May the rest go as safely."
♥

★ "Above all, I think of my wife, Kimiko, in Japan, and the thought brings both longing and regret. Because of such expeditions as this, I have never given her a normal married life. Instead, I have left her at home with her constant fears for my safety and have done exactly what I wished to do.
Perhaps she and all those whose thoughts and blessings traveled with me over the long days will take pride in an expedition that would surely have failed without them.
If so, what a happy person I am!"
-Naomi Uemura, the first man to reach the North Pole alone

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I think I need a girlfriend,
AND
in time
a "boyfriend."
who loves God first.
this needs to heal.

hope never dies.
no good thing ever can.

^ This stuff ONLY becomes a "need" in the absence of INNER SUPPORT and the absence of PRAYER.

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"Druzes are dangerous because they do not fear death.
Every man believes that when he dies he will be instantly reborn as an infant."

★BEDOUINS

"Why did God give us eyes?
To look upon beauty wherever it may be!
(All thanks to God!)"

-kibbe
-Malula
-PALMYRA

★Tall al Masiyah
(TOMB OF JESUS tradition??)

★"the order of Saint Lazarus"

"Perhaps only 1/3 of all Syrian Muslims perform their religious duties.
But the rest feel guilt.
And I can assure you, for I am one of them, that all of them remain Muslims in their hearts."
-Muhammad Kuteifan

"without the alphabet, nobody would ever have gone to the moon."

"an audibilization of power"

"over the inevitable cups of coffee"

"beneath the iron caress"

(arab tea) "burning hot and piercingly sweet"

"I saw Quneitra on an overcast day with gunmetal clouds scudding low above the ruins.
Walking through the detritus struck me as a foretaste of the day after the end of the world.
Not a single birdsong disturbed the gray, final silence."

★"Even among the ruins, hope grows. Did you notice those flowers outside in the shell casings-- blossoms springing from the implements of war?
Just so, we… must be optimistic. Mustn't we?"

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-Think of Mary as a mother, primarily, and just what that means.
(biologically BOUND to Christ as well; literally no one closer to Him; her body made a body for God FROM ITSELF)

«consecrating senses to Mary= to use them for/AS her?? She is our Mediatrix; such consecration allows Her to channel the Holy Spirit's graces INTO all of ourselves, as He did for Her, so that Christ may be "born again in/ through/ "as" us" as He was through Her-- as she is the fountain of God's grace TO humanity, the bestower of God/ Christ's living water to us on earth, as Christ ("touch me not") is now in heaven for the sake of faith/ hope/ graces Christ sent us the Spirit, BUT the Spirit touched humanity through Mary more completely & intimately than anytime else, ever-- as that touch became the Son's conception, the Spirit BECAME ONE WITH HER in order to "beget" the Divine Child-- who was BOTH GOD AND MAN in true wholeness! So, to imitate her perfect love/ obedience, we MUST go TO her, and unite ourselves WITH her!

★Luke 6:24-26!!!

luke 9:58
luke 12:1-3? // 49-52? | luke 13:20-1

matthew 12:33+
★ luke 14: 15-35

mark 5: 15-17
luke 8: 35-39

★ john 15: 18-27
& 16:1-33

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★ My dreams are SIGNPOSTS pointing to things in my SUBCONSCIOUS that are NOT FULLY/PROPERLY HEALED (YET).

- Things I still dream about, upsettingly, and therefore STILL have an inner inclination to do=

★ bingeing on dessert food
★ "chew-bingeing"
★ stealing food

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XANGA?
or, "mimic" it?
SOLVE PROBLEMS (W/ GOD)

NOT THE OLD KIND; BE CAREFUL.

★focus on PRODUCTIVE thoughts
★don't overthink the small things

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LIGHT= knowledge, comprehension, "en-lightening," understanding, seeing, luck, fortuity, revealing secrets, "getting" it, attention, focus, guidance, education, wisdom, prudence
- pride, perfectionism, self-importance, fear of unknown/mystery

TIME= history, music, patience, acceptance of "fate," impermanence, death/"decay," "father" issues? punctuality? "in the nick of time," "time waits for no man," "time heals all wounds" maybe?? clocks; mortality, linearity; photography ("moments"); finality, loss? relationship issues? (sexual promiscuity risk?) technology, mechanics
"this too shall pass"; evolution? organization/systems; detached?

★"now" moment? the TRUTH of time!!
★COMPLEMENTS SPACE!!! they are BOTH required!
★"nothing ever really ends" (ETERNITY)

★time & bread??? livelihood, "money" slang
VALUE OF TIME ("spend it wisely")

★LANGUAGE (idioms, terms, etc.)

tradition, age, events, continuity, "irreversibility"? measurable quantity
intervals, moments, duration, RELATIVITY? clocks (NUMERICAL SYSTEM)
present/past/future; "occasions assoc. w/ certain experiences"
eras & periods in history, «opportune moments
a musical meter; fixed & customary moments/periods; rate of speed; a period in prison; period of work/pay received; installments of pay; schedule; set to operate at a certain moment; pace & duration; promptness
★movements in proper sequence
(GAUDIOR)

★"TIMELESS" spaces?? (the arctic, desert, "liminal" spaces, early morning?)

★"TIME" AS IT EXISTS IN NATURE; NO CLOCKS!!!

"chromo" vs "chrono";
TIME AND COLOR!!! (on space's blank canvas!!)

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solfege, cantata, serenata

patagium
piaster

Stuff I need:
✔★PAINTED SHIRTS!
✔★new bag of floss picks (dollar store)
✔★Polish religious posters
★Mewtwo plush and/or Celebi plush
★Red ribbon journal? (for food descrips)
★Overjackets
★lap harp??? is it allowed?

★MAKE a folder

GO OUTSIDE + MOVE MORE

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★tech can be USED FOR good or evil;
inherently it is a tool,

★TREATING/ PREVENTING ADDICTION
→what needs are unmet? how to healthily meet them &/or decrease/ permanently heal that "lack" feeling?

"tech junk food;" (sugar/salt/fat) feeds "carnal wants" (instinctive?)
^ "brain drain" cereal (+"empty calories")

(ETHICAL DESIGN) = concrete spacetime benefits, NOT sheer attention/ time eating for profit; MANIPULATION

★PROPER integration of tech/ online "life" w/ "reality,"
^(research "augmented reality")
w/o disconnection from self-awareness IN EACH; fluidity
(automation vs "real people")
"do not use (this tech) without (WISELY conscious) intention" = no time wasting

NO PAVLOV TACTICS
"hardwired social reciprocity"
"variable rewards" = habits

tech should allow us to=
-set boundaries
-disengage w/o anxiety
-see where time goes
-not be slaves of impulse
-make informed decisions
-determine "what's important"
("was spending that much time on _____ worthwhile? why or why not?" decrease impulsivity)
-meet goals
-see how actions impact others
-grow as people/ in productivity
-discipline will
-slow down & be deliberate
-encourage mindfulness, patience, conscious choice, focus, MEDITATION (TAKE BREAKS)

★hokthai= "benevolent tech?" have phone/pc functions but can personally prevent "thought outsourcing" & addiction via "interpersonal connection" being inherent to them?

prob= "simulated social interaction" w/ reward response tactics, "rewardable behavior" and persona-maintenance??
(social media NOT BAD, just broken!)
★psychology & tech= warnings on what behavior is required by app/tech? logs of feelings/ thoughts elicited, encourage reflection on, ask "WHY" ("met" which needs?)
(+manip. by colors, sounds, etc.; psychological puppetstrings) ("hijacking")
«ask whether tech is improving our lives/, NOT "delightful/ convenient/ etc." focus; "is it making our lives worse/ wasting our time"
what REALLY matters? "if you died tonight…"

responsibility, AGENCY

★"hippocratic oath" for software designers; NO EXPLOITATION OF VULNERABILITY; tech as medicine? not "self-medicating," so to speak

★"an all-or-nothing choice is a design failure"
(entirely connect (prompts, etc.) or entirely disconnect)

★tech that doesn't replace human thought/ effort but augments it
- "tracking of daily minutiae" w/o disconnecting from the reality of it; "big picture"
★positive data collection
FEEDBACK!

"when it comes to new tech, incomplete understanding is empowering"
(divining cognitive labor)
(cooperation/collabs = no sharp boundary btwn one person's ideas/ knowledge & those of others in group)

"strong feelings about issues do not emerge from deep understanding"
- a community of knowledge can become dangerous w/ confirmation bias
★NEED HUMILITY
★be honest about the blind spots in your knowledge & understanding

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"he was… very simple. everybody would be equal."

"robbing/ disarming/ killing a cop-- these were highly regarded feats in criminal circles"

- catholic relief in venezuela

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heb: 7-9

ROMANS 14:13

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¯
baby dee
the internet

musical = come from away
joan of arc
kid victory
oslo
the outer space
dear evan hansen

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"IF YOU DON'T TRY, YOU'LL NEVER KNOW"
(if you don't fly, you'll never grow)
=
fear of failure due to perfectionism stops the progress towards growth/ wholeness

★HUMILITY/PATIENCE★
glow & guide, don't blind
♥LOVE IS KEY!♥

(I love the letter to the Romans)

jumping to conclusions = skipping the factual "inbetween;" the checklist of truth that determines the REAL conclusion
★ASK QUESTIONS!
★RECOGNIZE YOUR EMOTIONS! "I feel," etc.

You will never know everything. Only God can, as He IS the TRUE LIGHT. Be humble… don't be a Lucifer.
You are not the "sun." But through the Son, you can witness TO the Light.^ Wear His emblem as His loving servant.
JOHN 1:1-9!!!

★p93-94 in Magnificat relevant to yesterday's crisis plan: "The voice of God IS THERE AMID THE NOISE" "(literal!) mountaintop not required"
- relevant to MUSIC: the silence is the canvas upon which it is painted; it is behind every note, enriching yet untouched by each one
- "He CALLS US ALWAYS"; ironically (irenically) His Call IS that inherent silence that allows us to truly "hear." (with hear-t) It's a beautiful 'paradox.'

★EVERYTHING good & beautiful in this world is but a reflection of the beauty & goodness of God-- and a dim, paltry one at that!
So don't be so happy at the gift that you forget to be joyful with the Giver. And, don't fret in limitation or lack or disappointment or disillusionment-- all of that is from a LACK OF FAITH. Anchor yourself to Him. Let Him be your ONLY joy, your only comfort, consolation, gain, and goal… for He is ALL THAT IS, and He CANNOT disappoint, and in Him you WILL be satisfied, you WILL be cheered and comforted, you WILL find rest for your soul. He is your impenetrable fortress, your bulwark against every storm, your safest shelter, your warmest home. He can't NOT be. So do not be afraid, but trust Him. Christ alone is gain. He is the foundation and Source of all beauty, sweetness, and delight. He is the TRUE Bread, of TRUE Life. Seek Him first, in all things and above all things. He will take care of you. Keep your eyes full of His light, and your heart, too. Heaven is the goal. Keep walking!

★GOD is finest wheat, living water, honey from the rock, milk for our growing faith, salt for the earth, the Paschal lamb, etc.
THE "SATISFACTION" YOU SEEK THROUGH THOSE FOODS IS NOT IN THOSE FOODS!! ONLY CHRIST SATISFIES!!!
Your body is fed but your heart is hungry because you aren't eating in FAITH.
Be His lamb, His child. Eat FOR His glory. If something cannot be done with love & faith & PEACE-- if something carries doubt, or discomfort, or fear, or any other untrusting tremulous vice-- THEN DON'T DO IT!!
(Think of what your grandma would say, too!)

★AND ALWAYS ASK, "IS THIS ACTION PRUDENT/OBEDIENT?"
"Is this action a "luxury" or unnecessary waste? CAN I do this action without second-guessing whether or not it's "good" for myself AND others?"

★BE GRATEFUL FOR OTHERS! Heartfully meditate on this; it's deep.

- james parker (the atlantic) writing style

Heb:5 / 1 Tim:4
Gal 2:14-21 (saved by faith)
1 Cor 10:25-33 (eating & conscience)
Romans 7:7-25 (law & sin)
Romans 13:1-10 (obey authority)
★Romans 14 (clean eating, no stumbling)
1 Cor 3:16 (God's temple)
1 Cor 6:12-15 (edifying)
Matt 6:25-26 (don't worry about food)
Num 12:6 (prophets vs Moses)
Deut 4:29-31 (seek God's mercy)
Deut:8 (prosperity)
★Lev 17:10-16 (blood=life) VS Luke 24:39 (BONE)

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I feel really sick

lots of noise

bad radio talk

dissociating,

nightmares about family

scared to go "home"

there's a lot of things.

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★distortions=

1) OVERGENERALIZATION (never/always)
2) DISCARDING POSITIVES (ignoring good aspects)
3) CATASTROPHIZING (expect worst, act helpless)
4) ALL OR NOTHING (b/w judgments) (absolutes)
5) JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS (proofless negative judgments) (mind reading, misfortune-telling)
6) SHOULD/SHOULDN'T (behavior policing, moral condemnation)

★lessen these behaviors step by solid step! ♥

★FACT CHECKING!! (remember, GOD is TRUTH!!)
(TALK IT OUT WITH THE CENTRALITES!! ♥)

★FOCUS ONLY ON WHAT IS GOOD!
distortions should be released & learned from, NOT dwelled upon! remember= PREDISPOSE to LOVE!! be realistic, BUT keep your eyes FIXED on GOD in ALL!! ♥
★literally journal your blessings!! ♥
focus on hope & capability & courage!

WISDOM

★24/7 MINDFULNESS!!! ♥
★learn to identify the KEY POINTS when you most need to be mindful!!

("KARUNA! ATTENTION!")
+visual reminders^ TO randomly bring you back into awareness-- pictures, quotes, figures, stickers, symbols, words, etc.!! ♥

★PICTURE OF SELF AS A CHILD?
remind self now to take care of your self now like you'd care for your self then!! promotes TRUE ACCEPTANCE & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE; see the REAL YOU!!! ♥

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★identifying "falsely supported beliefs" =
would they apply to anyone else, OR just me??
IF it's "only me," it's DISTORTED!!!
(then you can interrogate it until it unravels, & you're finally free of its shackles!)

★XANGAS HELP BEAUTIFULLY WITH THIS PROCESS.
(Laurie is a LOT wiser than I am!!) ♥

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Jun. 7th, 2017 09:30 am = a second chance! ♥

Breakfast= two slices of French toast, double butter, scrambled eggs, orange juice, three sugar packets, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and honey! This was quite a unique variation on this breakfast today, but honestly? It was SO WORTH IT. ♥ First off, I put ALL the sugar in the eggs, so it tasted TOTALLY like hrutka, which was boss. But then I put the butters on the warm bread, most on one and a little less on the other-- because on the other, which was a tad colder and on which the butter therefore softened but didn't totally melt, I mixed in HONEY with it. It was daring, yes-- but BOY OH BOY, WAS IT EVER WORTH IT! The flavors combined SO NICELY. The butter somehow mellowed out the honey's otherwise-overwhelming sharply-sweet taste? And the bread, too, with its eggy-vanilla-wheat beautiful flavor combo, was strongly grounded enough TO carry it well. I'm not sure if I'd try the honey again, though? It's still a bit TOO potently sweet for me, although it IS good. We'll see! In any case, my absolute favorite thing is how SOFT & SQUISHY the French toast gets when it's warm & buttery!! ♥ The center bites are SO NICE. It's also nice how the inside stays drier, but still soft from soaking/ toasting, and spongy in a lightly chewy way! AND the crusts stay super firm-soft, not stiff or hard, but like... stale stiff? Nicely so, mind!! Not as hard as the bread pudding, but close?? Either way, I love it. And that inside bread ALSO turns a lovely "french vanilla yellow," strongly leaning amber but with a definite yellow tint & maybe some white? And of course, there's also wholesome lovely brown all around it, too. I just can't believe I never really paid attention to it before, and I am deeply sorry. See, there's STILL so much I have to learn... still so much that I'm completely missing... even after multiple tries. I just... I feel so blind sometimes, and it hurts. I LOVE food SOLELY because it is a gift from GOD. I love it ONLY as a tangible, generous, wondrous manifestation OF His Creative Goodness! I... it can't ever not be that. There's nothing wrong with loving food, as long as GOD is the true focus. There's nothing wrong with loving ANYTHING, because it's LOVE, and Love is OF GOD!!! ...But that's why I hurt. I love the French toast, with its soft spongy-firm & squishy-sweet precious textures, mellow with butter & egg & heat and so lovely with vanilla & cinnamon & nutmeg... I love it truly; I deeply appreciate how Good it is, how sweet & soft & gentle & happy but strong in its wheaty heart, solid & reliable & yet ever so kind. AND I love the eggs, not just with the dear sparkly sugar that, with the heat & moisture, "melts" into it like snow in sunlight and makes those gorgeously textured fluffy eggs taste like Easter, but also in their inherent taste & texture, their yolky flavor & light but confident taste, the unique mouthfeel & fork-feel they have. I also love the butter itself, creamy & salty and SO lovely to me, especially since so many others despise it-- double butter is a BLESSING, and I will ENSURE it STAYS that way, by Loving it sincerely & affectionately no matter WHAT others say, to reassure it that it IS loveable, that it IS treasured & appreciated, that it IS a gift of God, that it IS helping my body store up holy oil for its soul-lamp, that the blessed cow that gave of herself to make this butter is STILL blessed & honored in the respectful, consciously grateful, affectionate partaking of her gift-- butter IS a food I legitimately like AND enjoy, and the same goes for the honey, which, despite its super-potent syrupy thick amber sugar-sweet taste, unique in its tone & texture, still tastes lovely and honestly? I DO like it, very much! I just feel "ashamed" FOR truly liking such a sweet luxurious thing. But that feeling is a distortion!! I'm REALLY just afraid of the hidden lie IN that shame-obligation-- the fear that, JUST by liking a Good & rich food, I'm somehow a glutton. NOT SO! Because gluttons think DIFFERENTLY than I now do-- I LOVE the food, and when one acts purely FROM that deep love, one MUST respect the food, the time, the community, AND themselves-- wantonness, waste, disrespect, & inattention are foreign concepts to Love. And THAT'S why it hurts that I'm still missing data on so many foods, solely because I haven't been paying complete, deep attention to them yet. Love, by its very nature, wants to know as much as it can about its beloved, TO Love them ever more completely & genuinely & unconditionally! But... I haven't been Loving so totally. I've been distracted, and tired, and sad & distressed sometimes, and although it's terribly unfair, I let that get in the way of my Love. I wasn't as devoted as I should have been... I wasn't as aware of God as I should have been. ...But now I know. He taught me deeply & compassionately through my failing. And I promise, I will gratefully continue to Love my best.

Lunch= 4TH FLOOR BONUS SELF SELECT!!! ♥ I tragically had to sacrifice my beloved grilled cheese for this opportunity, but even though I WAS honestly very distressed about that fact, I kept remembering how God had tested me to sacrifice my angel food cake and I had failed. I was determined to SUCCEED today, through obeying humbly & trusting God, and so I COMPLETELY surrendered into His hands and His will, saying honestly that even though I WAS scared & upset & confused, I knew my understanding & perception were sorely limited, AND-- even moreso-- I KNEW that whatever God was planning & orchestrating, it WAS for my highest Good, AND His Glory... the glory of Love & Truth. So I surrendered the grilled cheese, and in return, God gave me these: a large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber; 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing; 2 tbsp mayonnaise, 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds; an apple, Greek rice w/ red bell pepper & feta cheese; two pieces of tilapia w/ red bell pepper & raisin compote; one heaping helping of "grilled" (?) harvest vegetables (orange AND yellow carrots, parsnips, sweet potato, red onion, + red bell pepper!), one packet of tartar sauce, and one bag of salsa Sun Chips. And here is the genius: I put the apple, the dressing, the mayo, the cheese shreds, AND the Sun Chips IN THE SALAD. Then I mixed it all together & ran the plastic knife through it a few times to break things into biteable sizes & shapes... and I am telling you, dude, it was one of the BEST SALADS I have had in my ENTIRE LIFE. ♥ Honestly, WOW. The apple actually tasted wonderful with the mayo, the cheese mixed perfectly with the chips, and the BLUE cheese dressing fused THOSE together, with the spinach, to create a truly fantastic flavor combo. ♥ A tad heavy on taste from the cheeses-- cheddar is POTENT and so is blue cheese-- perhaps, but I have NO REGRETS. Cheese-punch or not, I thoroughly enjoyed EVERY SINGLE BITE. ♥ The cucumbers, also, were SO FRESH, all super-bright with their cool, crisp water content, and the mushrooms were so dearly rich in their own unique "petrichor" taste, with their foamy-firm but softly breaking texture, and they were BIG pieces, too! Dude it was just SO GREAT; I have GOT to use salads as exchange sinks (respectfully & lovingly!!) at home! ♥ Oh-- but we're just getting started, dude! Now for those OTHER vegetables! I want to say they were grilled or sauteed or something, because they were cut into HUGE thick slices, but they weren't mushy OR crisp-- they were firm but still softened, AND slightly caramelized?? They were AMAZING. ♥ Also, after I ate the big carrot/ parsnip slices and the wonderfully softened-but-solid sweet potato pieces, the bell pepper & onion bits were proving hard to scoop up SO I mixed them with the tartar sauce. Perhaps an unwise move in terms of "proper mixing"-- and I AM sorry for that-- BUT IT WORKED and it actually tasted LOVELY! Possibly because both those vegetables have a little "bite" of their own, a bitter-sweet flavor that works pretty darn well with tartar sauce, I suppose! But amusingly enough, there were also red bell peppers ON the actual fish, but Those were heavily caramelized & heat-softened & mixed with RAISINS in a uniquely sweet, non-sugary, warmly flavored compote. It was INCREDIBLE. And SO WAS THAT FISH!!! ♥♥ It was as white & soft & light as the cod, but NOT acrid or rivery-tasting really? This stuff tasted SOLIDLY of good fresh fish and it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ Remind me to include a LOT more fish in my diet for the future, because it really is THAT GOOD. ♥ Oh, and lastly? SO WAS THE RICE! ♥ Yes, I LOVED it!! It was this unique, pinkish-orange color, with red bell pepper bits mixed in along with several BIG pieces of feta cheese! I totally forgot that stuff existed and it was SO GOOD. ♥ Dry in texture, mild but uniquely flavored, a little like blue cheese... I like it! And the rice had I think some spice in it? Or tomato flavor? Both? I couldn't quite place it, but it was SO NICE. ♥ This WHOLE MEAL was SUCH a HUGE BLESSING. ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar because I love them and they are lovely. ♥ I'm getting REALLY good at timing now-- I can lovingly enjoy every bite of the NuGo and STILL finish in 7 minutes!! 10 is the average, but yeah, I can MINDFULLY do three less, now! ♥ And I REALLY love the seasalt and dark chocolate taste of the NuGos-- their chocolate taste ISN'T sugary so the salt accents-- AND the salty-crisp insides-- work perfectly to enhance the flavor without making it TOO sharply so! ♥

Dinner= vegetable lasagna, cherry pie, a side salad (w/ one giant grape tomato, several big violet cabbage pieces, lettuce, and julienned carrot), French dressing, a vanilla shake 'em up, & vanilla VHC. I will say flat-out: I was very dissociated and hypersensitive during this meal, sadly... but I didn't give up. I didn't forget God, although the devil WAS trying to hurt me into doing that. But he NEVER will. GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and with contrite yet courageous gratitude & Love & shaking-but-blissful reverence for Him and His Goodness, I WILL proclaim God's beauty & victory now, AND heal my stomach & soul, by focusing wholeheartedly on praising God in this meal now-- for He WAS Present there, no matter how dissociated I was. God didn't fail in His Love, even though I was stumbling about. God never fails. He CANNOT fail... and He cannot fail to love us, either. And THAT is infinite hope; that is infinite courage. Even if I TOTALLY screw up, God is ALWAYS there for me, my eternally Loving Father, letting me learn from these mistakes BUT not letting me get lost. I have faith. Even when my knees are shaking, even when I feel totally confused, even when I do my best and things still hurt... no matter how much of a fool I may act like, or how anxious I feel, or how obsessive & superstitious I get about my decisions, ESPECIALLY when I'm trying so hard to "do the right thing" and NOT hurt or spite anyone else, especially by accident... God, my heart hurts so much at how foolish I've been. I beat myself up SO HARD for every failed effort, even when I did my best, GENUINELY so... but that's the ironic point of all of this, isn't it? I'm human. I'm imperfect. I'm GOING to "fail," simply because I AM human & imperfect... and to deny that, to reject that, to demand perfection, is ignoring & denying & effectively rejecting GOD'S presence in my life. God has Wisdom, NOT ME. God has the power and the strength, NOT ME! And when I REALIZE that, when I ACCEPT that... well, isn't that the most beautifully funny thing? When I fully admit and accept my frailty, my foolishness, my incompleteness, my imperfection... then, suddenly, there is room for God to fill me up with Himself-- He who IS Wisdom and Strength and Wholeness and true Perfection. Without God, I'm nothing, and I can do nothing. BUT God can USE ME like a paintbrush, like a prism, to let HIM shine THROUGH me, for my sake, for HIS sake within me, His child BY FAITH. It all comes down to faith, to trust, to humility, to surrender.. to Love. And as soon as that spark flares to life, God's light enters in and TOTALLY overcomes the darkness. Even if our faith is only the size of a mustard seed, God can STILL make it bloom into a huge and beautiful tree. You get the picture! But you GOTTA get out of your own head first, as it were. Step back from the skull! Look at the BIGGER picture-- the BIGGEST one!! In the end, only ONE THING matters... how much did we Love? How open were our hearts to God-- seeing Him in all things, serving Him at all times, in all things, for all things? How Christlike were we to His Creation? How fixed were our hearts on higher things? And all of that requires faith-- the TRUST that, no matter what, GOD IS ALL THAT MATTERS-- the ONLY thing that lasts. We humans will ALL die one day, and when we do, we go to Him. Heaven is not isolated... nor should we be here. If we truly wish to achieve heaven, we must meet its sole criterion-- we must bring heaven HERE, by letting God be with us NOW. Because heaven is, simply & profoundly, unity with God. Trying to live in a way that denies, overlooks, ignores, rejects, or diminishes that fact, automatically puts you in a place commonly known as hell. Separation from God. And it IS hell. It's unbearable. BUT. God is merciful. God is Loving & forgiving and He KNOWS we are weak, that we are dust, BUT he ALSO sent His SON to us, to touch our hearts and GIVE us the ability TO get to heaven... by giving Himself to us, literally... as true bread. And so it comes full circle. God is in every meal, God is in our hearts. But we have to LET HIM IN, thanks to our gift of free will-- the gift that, paradoxically, allows us to experience hell on earth... so that we CAN do what is impossible for man-- we can let God in, through faith & Love, and be brought into heaven. ♥

8PM Snack= one plain Sun Chips, and two pretzel NuGo bars. Simple but beloved faves! ♥ Just like last night. But honestly, their simple beloved comfort is exactly what I need some nights... just nice, gentle, easy-to-partake friends, God's Good gifts. So I'm glad I got to peacefully share in that again tonight. ♥ It's perfectly OK to just treasure & value the virtue of simple friendly happy comfort, you know! ♥

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SELF SELECT 060717 = Jun. 7th, 2017 11:30 am / #4 (LUNCH) ~WEDNESDAY 0607~ (1) D | (1) FR | (2) S | (3) M | (2) F | (1) CS
1) A large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber (~V) 2) 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing (2F) 3) 2 tbsp mayonnaise (2F) 4) 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 5) 6oz tilapia w/ red pepper & raisin compote (3M) 6) 1 cup Greek rice w/ feta cheese (2S) 7) 1 svg harvest vegs (yam, onion, parsnip, carrot, pepper) (~V) 8) 1 apple (1FR) 9) 1 bag salsa sun chips (1CS) 10) 1 packet tartar sauce (-) 11) 480mL decaf black tea (-)
I put the mayo, apple, cheese, AND chips in the spinach salad, and it was legit one of the BEST salads I've had in my ENTIRE LIFE. The harvest vegs were sliced HUGE and soft-firm & vaguely caramelized & WONDERFUL. I mixed the onion/pepper with the tartar and that was great, too! The tilapia was INCREDIBLE, and the compote too! The rice was dry but delicious and I enjoyed every bite. Fearless love 100%! ♥AND I finished ALL of it with two minutes to spare!!
♥almost there!= applesauce, coffee, kashi, cocktail sauce ♥new friends!= blue cheese dressing, caesar dressing, rice, feta cheese, cheddar cheese, tilapia, parsnips, sweet potatoes, red peppers, red onions, carrots, tartar sauce + jello, whole milk

Jun. 6th, 2017 09:30 am = waking up, suddenly in love. ♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, peach honey tea, strawberry Greek yogurt, and a strawberry Pop Tart-- which I lovingly heated up yet again, and thoroughly enjoyed as always. ♥ I have to thank God for that-- the fact that I am finally at a point in my life where I CAN and DO fearlessly love Pop Tarts. ♥ Unconditional, divinely-reverent, joyfully appreciative & wondrous love is so freeing. It's a literal taste of heaven-- pun intended, since it HAS manifested itself most miraculously THROUGH food. Talk about transmutation! But that, too, is something I will perpetually thank God for, AND perpetually LIVE for, for His sake... and I HAVE to express that, too, in ALL my ways-- such as here! So let's sing His praises through the Pop Tart and rejoice in the beautifully unexpected fact that we CAN do so! ♥ First off, warming it TOTALLY changes the filling consistency AND tone?? It DOESN'T sugar-burn, and it's not as "pale-bright" a red-- it becomes more jelly-red, but NOT as dark as the Nutrigrain. It's maybe tinged ever-so-slightly with a cerise lean? But yeah, it becomes less of a tint-lean, and more of a solid hue. It's LOVELY. And the biscuity part, when warm, ALSO gets mellowed out-- its "salty" tone (from butter or oil? no idea what the ingredients actually are, sorry!) gets more wide & golden, enhancing the flour-base taste so that the whole thing tastes even MORE like the pie crusts we get here!! Even the ICING gets mellowed out-- it's still playful white sugar, but when warm, it's like a hug from a child. Pop Tarts are pretty sweet, dude! It really does make my heart sing to be able to SEE God's Goodness reflected in a food that is so frequently feared, poor thing... even by me, once, as I said. But not anymore. I promise I will ALWAYS strive to keep my heart pure & clear & loving, with its sight FIXED on Higher Things, on the BIGGEST picture, on GOD... so that it CANNOT fear anything, but only LOVE. And, as I've said many times before, and yet which will ALWAYS be fully relevant and worth repeating... the food is all innocent. IT'S ALL GOD'S LOVING CREATION. Any fear or hate or condemnation projected onto it is just a lie-- a judgment that no one has any right to make, especially not here in COPE! Who brought us to this place? GOD. Who determines every meal & food we eat here? GOD. Who challenges us daily to choose Love over fear & despair & hate & other such lies? GOD. No matter what happens, it ALL comes from Him, and it is ALL FOR HIM, who is ALL GOOD and who only wants Good for US, too. Always! And so we must do OUR part to do HIS work, and have hearts open to Him to bring His Love TO ALL THINGS here, THROUGH us, His Chosen People through the Trinity!! And, similarly, God ALSO brings His Love to all of us, through ALL of Creation! Including Pop Tarts. ♥ AND through the other items in this meal, too, 100%-- it honestly boggles my now Lovestruck mind to realize that, eight weeks ago, I was suffocating in a deluge of lies, and I was falsely but totally afraid of every poor, beautiful, innocent, blessed food that NOW-- eight weeks later-- I can truly and totally LOVE every one of them! ♥ Milk, raisins, sugar, wheat, oats, corn syrup even... the strawberries, too!! And I will be totally honest-- those lies are STILL being hissed into my ears by devils, BUT!! Like Saint Paul said, those "thorns in my side" are ALLOWED by God because they teach a PROFOUNDLY VITAL Truth-- that God's Grace is sufficient for us. When we are weak-- when we become SO frighteningly aware of our human shortcomings & failures & ignorance & misunderstanding, when we realize that we CAN'T do anything without God (nor can anything else ever)-- then, suddenly, that very weakness becomes a "strength," because now it is a wound that lets GOD IN. We must first be humbled, truly aware of our lowliness, in order for God to work in us, through us, for us. We must acknowledge that we are empty before He can fill us-- and oh, the moment we do, the very instant we feebly turn our eyes upwards in sincere hope-- with hearts pure through contrition and reverent awe and humility-- instantly, when our hearts are so soft and fragile and broken open, He fills them to overflowing with gold. HE fills the cracks in us with HIS radiant Glory. HE uses our wounds to make us into even more beautiful examples of His artistry, of His craftsmanship, of His ability to make a broken thing whole, to make a damaged thing complete again, to make the lowly shine... because HIS HANDS TOUCHED IT. Love is vulnerability, Love is selfless giving and openness to receive in turn; Love is washing the feet of others, feeding them, carrying them... and then, Lovingly, letting THEM show God's Love back to you in the same ways. ♥

Lunch= pizza, a side salad (1 grape tomato, 2 cucumber slices), ranch dressing, chocolate cake w/ ganache-cream frosting, vanilla VHC, and ONE packet of hot sauce-- which I put ON THE SALAD!! Little victories! It actually didn't taste half bad, either! So that was nice. But as for the ACTUAL salad dressing, I only got a bit of ranch on the lettuce today-- and as always, it worked wonderfully with it, its cultured-sour taste adding a zip of brightness and good "flavor weight" to the delicate lettuce (whereas the hot sauce, while also adding flavor, was too overpowering in its heat to really be used properly in a salad)-- because MOST of that packet went on the CAKE. ♥ And it was BOSS! I will admit, there was a bit of unexpected dissonance in it somewhere-- something salty, I think? I'm not sure; I was nervous about "getting caught" and so the data is unclear, so although I really want to try again next week, I'll have to be VERY careful about it, so that I don't dissociate out of guilty shame & hurt the whole data-gathering process AND my mental peace, which DID happen today. But I still did my darndest, darn it. I didn't let that throw me off, because people put may IN chocolate cake for heavens sakes, and from what I recall, that ranch was REALLY GOOD with this one!!! ♥ So I WILL try again, next time, lovingly & carefully. For now, I had the rest of the cake half with VHC sips-- that thick, creamy, browner vanilla a lovely filling-out complement taste to it-- and half as-is, savoring its moist dark chocolate tone, dark enough to be mature & calm, in loving friendship with the buttery-warm-toned chocolate frosting, a warmer brown and sweeter & creamy-rich, lovely & smooth like an Easter chocolate joy, blending blissfully with the cake. I have to be VERY vigilant with this blessed dessert every week, though-- like I said last night, there's that creeping E.D. lie-fear that tells me I "shouldn't like this cake." Well, to that I say, "buzz off!" It's ALL Good God-given gifts! Flour, MILK, EGGS, BUTTER, SUGAR, CHOCOLATE... it's a SUPER FEMININE food, even MORESO when you consider its unity, and so the E.D. rejects it by virtue OF its virtues-- sweetness, fatness, wholesomeness, & richness. All qualities of femininity, ALL GOOD, and all feared by a disease that wants to be thin, bitter, empty, & poor. Eating disorders serve death, and so when they encounter something THAT full of LIFE, totally unashamed of it, totally joyous in testifying to the Goodness of God that CREATED such things FOR His children to taste a glimmer of HIS blissful, whole, rich, bounteous sweetness, and so to praise & rejoice in Him here WHILE evermore ardently seeking Him above... when something so hellbent on falsehood sees that, well. Of COURSE the devil is going to try to corrupt it. Why else would such things be labeled as "bad?" Why else would the devil ENCOURAGE BOTH gluttony AND starvation? Because ALL of that nonsense is based on IRREVERENCE. If one acts out of LOVE FOR GOD, IN ALL THINGS, BY all the things WE do... then you CAN'T binge OR starve because your heart is too full of Love to act against Love in ANY way!!! Love doesn't condemn, or hate, or fear. God is Love, and when we live IN that Love, we can see God everywhere... for God IS, and so is everything FROM Him. Bottom line? A heart full of love loves eternally & infinitely. A heart full of love LOVES chocolate cake, and RESPECTS it, and TREASURES it with a GODLY FOCUS. Similarly, a loving heart doesn't force itself to eat, for THAT is destruction. "Obligatory" eating-- not based on Love or health, but on compulsion-- is ALSO demonically irreverent. In short? Cake is cake. It just IS. But God is STILL present in its parts, as He is in ALL things, so whether you CHOOSE to eat cake or not, what matters is that your choice is anchored in & motivated by LOVE for GOD... in the cake, and in YOUR body. And the same goes for PIZZA! In my mission to love all unloved things, I DO truly Love this food, not just because of its also-feminine parts, but ALSO because of Jessie. I will love EVERY red food to PROVE that it is INNOCENT, and that SHE IS SAFE, and LOVED, and FREE-- and so is the pizza. So is the lasagna. The devil tried to shackle it to the past, but I will CHALLENGE that lie at EVERY meal, by testifying to GOD'S POWER TO HEAL ALL THINGS of the distorted lies that mask the untouchable TRUTH. ♥

3PM Snack= another mint chocolate NuGo because they are lovely. I couldn't spend as much time with it today, as snack happened DURING art group, but even though I had to hurry, I didn't get upset-- I used that challenge to treasure the fleeting time even more, AND had to give thanks to the fact that it's gradually becoming easier for me to eat around other people without anxiety! We're UPROOTING those weeds every 3PM now, and planting beautiful flowers! ♥

Dinner= chicken w/ skin, bread stuffing w/ celery & gravy, a chocolate magic cup, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and a sweet potato souffle! I have to say... I think this is the best instance of this meal for me, in terms of how simply lovingly focused I was on it... WITHOUT "TRYING"!!! ♥ I literally just freely let myself enjoy every bite-- no stress, no obsession, nothing but gratitude & Love. And as a result, everything "registered" simply and nicely-- which, honestly, is my goal for EVERY meal in the future. And really, I'm just trying to figure out exactly WHAT my obstacles are, between now and that ideal. I know I keep saying I'm just "trying too hard," but what exactly does that mean? And why do I feel I have to do it? And for what reason? Well, let's start at the top. Most importantly, WHENEVER & WHATEVER I eat, I HAVE to eat it with love and joy and gratitude & childlike wonder & GOOD VIBES-- because whatever I project ONTO the food, ends up IN ME. And THAT'S why I ended up so scared of "being fat" for so long... because it was tangibly storing all the bad vibes I was "eating" THROUGH projection... and through ignorance & ingratitude... AND from the "bad vibes" OTHER people may have unintentionally put into the food as they were preparing and/ or serving it! And THAT'S why it's so difficult for me to eat here when people are EXPLICITLY putting bad vibes into the meal... AND why I freakin' LOVE Leyla, who is the ONLY person I've met here so far (besides myself) who has GOOD THINGS to say about the meals!! And that's SO IMPORTANT. Thank God for her! But yeah-- why do I try so hard? Because it's the loving thing to do. And when I'm facing obstacles like dissociation & depression & negativity, it CAN feel like a real struggle TO do the positive loving thing in the face of it all... hence the "hard" part. BUT. As a certain tiny alien sage once said: "Do, or do not; there is no "try.'" And that statement has been expanded upon by my beloved axe-wielding bodyguard, so to speak, in quite a pun-intended literal-metaphor sense in this particular context. Yes, I "try hard," BUT only because, at heart, I'm already DOING the Loving thing. I wouldn't even BE "trying" if that deep desire & capacity FOR Love wasn't already present AND active within me!! And so, now that I'm thinking about it... perhaps there are no obstacles. Perhaps there are only challenges. Perhaps even just USING the words "try" & "hard" are the real hindrances, too? Because language is powerful, and if I sit down to a meal thinking, REGARDLESS of external circumstances (although they can heavily influence such a thought), that I HAVE to "try hard," well... then I'm going to EXPECT to struggle. I'd effectively be mentally forbidding myself FROM relaxing into an easy, simply loving, childlike-joy attitude for that meal. And that, too, is a key-- children don't "try" to Love; they just DO!! Because they see no reason NOT to. And, again, there IS no such reason! ♥ And God has deeply blessed me by actively AND literally preserving that childlike mindset, simple & pure but unflinchingly devoted to its cause, within me... and it's a huge part of WHY it hurts so much to see others struggling-- because there is no struggle other than what we make for ourselves. When I sit down to a meal, I bless it in Christ's name, thanking God for His gifts of food both in Creation and specifically AT that meal... I offer it BACK TO HIM as a sign of that grateful recognition & praise, asking Him in prayer to sanctify it FOR His praise & glory IN my Loving partaking of it, AND to bless my heart and sanctify it so that I CAN do so. I pray for the ability to make that meal a prayer... but then I tend to make one big human error. I worry. Despite my prayer, I STILL think that the realization of that prayer has to be a "struggle," that it has to be a "battle." I forget to just let go and TRUST... because, I will admit... somewhere inside, I still feel guilty for asking, and think that, therefore, "I have to work for it." THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRIDE DISTORTION. God gives according to His LOVE & GRACE, NOT any "merit" of ours! God will bless that meal FOR HIS GLORY, not "mine"-- and THANK GOD FOR THAT, because if I just surrender into that trust, and-- like a child-- release ALL pointless worry and JUST LOVE the gifts I've been given, because they ARE blessed and therefore 100% loveable... well, then we are guaranteed victory in Christ's Love... like today. ♥

8PM Snack= two plain Sun Chips and one pretzel NuGo. ♥ Simple but beloved. I haven't had my dear plain Sun Chips in a while, either, so it was so nice to be able to experience their calm & gentle warmth & taste again. Also, the pretzel NuGo somehow has a similar effect, with the sea salt? I'm not sure why! But salty snacks seem to go really well with bedtime moods, when sugar would just keep you awake really. But nevertheless, it's ALL lovely & blessed in its own time... and thank God for it all! ♥

So I've pinpointed one of my BIGGEST obstacles to treatment.
I don't know how to be "casual" in my choices in treatment.
If I'm not PERPETUALLY "challenging" myself, I feel like a failure.
If I don't CONSISTENTLY choose the MOST DIFFICULT OPTION, I feel worthless.
Therefore, when I've conquered ALL my "available" challenges…
…I make more.

THAT'S what Team is concerned about: obsessive perfectionism.
It's a lose/lose; I'll NEVER be OK with peace & healing if my addled brain is still scared that such "taking it easy" is WRONG… that not battling demons unendingly means I've BECOME one.
To my current distorted mindset, a lack of "challenge"-- no; a lack of something BAD to actively battle & conquer, "betrays" weakness & "unwillingness to do what's RIGHT." Slacking off. Being lazy. Chickening out. Disappointing GOD by not living up to my full Good potential. By irresponsibility.
If I'm NOT "fighting the Good fight," then I'm saying I don't care if Good loses.
It's SO distorted. It makes me nauseous.
Why does my brain view the PEACE that COMES from VICTORY as a PROBLEM???
BUT every time I do something easy, or comforting, or enjoyable-- EVEN IF said thing WAS once a huge challenge, like all my food-victories here… once it becomes "non-challenging," I feel like a morally corrupt, uncaring, overindulgent, hedonistic, devil-may-care slacker who couldn't give less of a care as to their state of conscience. Once I do the "easy thing," I feel like I'm being PROUD, selfish, lazy… evil. A saint once said that humility, that holiness, lay in always choosing the most difficult option.
What if NONE of the options are a challenge?
What if I'm so full of LOVE that nothing is a struggle anymore?

…Then my damaged brain makes it a struggle again.
It resets progress. It perpetuates challenge.
I HAVE NO FEAR FOODS, but "that's not a challenge," so…
I keep forcing myself to be afraid of foods.
And if THAT'S what's going to keep happening, I will NEVER let myself "be healed" OR "STAY healed." Because that's slacking off.

THAT'S A LIE.

The true challenge, paradoxically, is learning to stop trying so terribly hard to win a war that's NOT EVEN REAL.

And THAT'S the DEEPER huge problematic root to this compulsion: to me, to my poor distortion-plagued mind, the very CORE QUALITY of a challenge is that it has to HURT. It has to be a STRUGGLE. And on the flipside of that lurks the corrupted core belief that, if I like something… that's wrong.
WHY???
I freak out at EVERY snacktime because, by my loving nature, ALL the options are enjoyable; ALL the options are pain-free.
My challenge-obsessed mind sees that as a PROBLEM.
We're SUPPOSED to "challenge distorted behaviors," right?
Well, what if, at the heart of me, I don't have any??
If I am SO ultimately determined & indomitably willing to LOVE EVERYTHING & EVERYONE, myself included…
well.
Then I'm at odds with my own mind.
Then I have to PUT OBSTACLES IN MY OWN WAY, just to "prove" to others that I CAN overcome them.
But. And this is the REAL problem:
If I would ENJOY the challenge, if it would "feel good,"
then it's NOT an option.
"Challenges have to HURT," remember.
So I'd feel that refusing happiness was a "VICTORY" because it would mean that I SUFFERED in the refusal… but "I made it through."
Therefore, I "challenged myself."

It's all a disgustingly distorted mess.

I need to eliminate the word "challenge" from my vocabulary at this point.

…

…And I need to heal my view of "progress," too.

-The REAL "challenge" is FEARLESSLY LOVING EVERYTHING in joyful courageous victory OVER this mindset, AND regardless of what other people REFUSE to love-- CHALLENGE THAT!!!

Jun. 5th, 2017 09:30 am = goodbye, dear Amy & Elinor!! ♥ I love you both SO MUCH. You've truly touched my heart & changed me for the better, and I send ALL my love with you!! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, vanilla Greek yogurt, an orange, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, vanilla caramel tea, and a chocolate chip NuGo bar. And dude, I am SO happy to tell you-- THIS breakfast is ALSO a dearly loved fave. ♥ And do you know what THAT means?? That's right-- I 100% LOVE EVERY BREAKFAST AT LAST!!! ♥ Thank You GOD!! There was so much joy in this one today, too. I STARTED with the crumbcake, to specially savor it, and its soft, cake-fluffy, sweet-butter tone & texture were especially lovely today. I could TASTE the blueberries, too-- they're sweet, and lovely purple-blue, moist and gentle and-- like all foods of that unique indigo hue-- both serenely calm and so sweetly, luminous-glow smiling in peaceful joy inside. Indigo is quiet and "mysterious," but NOT darkly-- it's like a dawn fog before a blue sky, enveloping silently jubilant fields of tiny flowers, little oceans of life & color. Actually? No-- true Indigo is twilight fog, after a sunset. Same cool quiet bliss, different vibe! But yeah; blueberry indigo has more purple in it, I think? And it's a DAYLIGHT-heralding hue. It's beautiful-- AND perfect when paired with the warmly gentle but boundlessly happy glow of sunlight, held in that amber-yellow cake tone!! ♥ God's art manifests itself "as above so below" yet again. ♥ And the mouthfeel is so gentle & soft & light! I really love it. ♥ I ALSO love the early-morning-sunlight-bliss combo of the vanilla yogurt and the ORANGE! Seriously dude; WOW. The delicate-happy, floral pure-white vanilla of the yogurt is like flowers on an orange tree when combined with the fresh juice from that fruit! It's a fascinating unity-- the hues combine without losing themselves?? They DON'T taste "peach," or pale orange-- it tastes white AND light-bright orange AT ONCE. It's a flavor LAYER! I wonder what determines unities like that? Either way, it's BLISSFUL. ♥ They complement each other so gorgeously-- as do the vanilla VHC and the chocolate NuGo! HOT DANG! The vanilla soy, with its always-beautifully-gentle mild yellow-vanilla tone and matte-silk-white tofu tone (so subtle but SO good; I need better descriptive words for that soy-milk taste), is too mild to optimally pair with the NuGo's stronger soy-crisp taste, accented with salt and agave and matte-silky chocolate. The colors don't quite mesh? BUT the heavier, creamier, saltier and richer taste of the VHC MATCHES the NuGo's vibe strength, AND is superclose in hue-tone to the crisps, I think? But THAT heavier, beige vanilla is BEAUTIFUL with it. Which I discovered on a whim! Chocolate & vanilla are like flower blooms & leaves in terms of color meshing-- there are SO many variations, but not all of them match up optimally! It's an ART SCIENCE and I LOVE IT. ♥ Again, I WILL write more about it elsewhere-- I want to LEGIT write a book and/ or blog about this stuff for the literal glory & praise of God's infinite Creative wonder, His Loving Generosity in allowing us to not only experience but also PARTICIPATE in it, and to actively respect & joyfully revere Him IN the gifts-- as I talked about extensively on Thursday. ♥ So look forward to that-- especially because I have a NEW vanilla experience to add to the list today, again thanks to Jena's dad... vanilla caramel tea!! OH MY GOODNESS. Now THAT is a match made in heaven-- even moreso than vanilla and chocolate!! Caramel is a much warmer tone, which matches vanilla's warmer leanings, and that particular tone's flavor has a different sweet- type than chocolate's darker-brown tendencies do-- which is why MILK chocolate goes better with warm vanillas! And, again, there are SO many beauteous variations... but, right here & now, tea vanilla is a warmer tone than most others (liquid tones are tricky to distinguish; maybe they're better suited TO more subtle descriptions, like smell or sound or something? I don't quite know yet; I'll explore! ♥ And remember they are ALSO heavily affected by temperature, moreso than food, because of their subtlety & mutability), and caramel is such a rich warm tone, and united at an equally warm temperature, WITH the grounding brown-black bitter beauty of tea leaves deep down... it's splendid. I have to use that word because it FEELS like a smile and my heart is just SO JOYOUS today! ♥ God's glory is brilliantly, beautifully, bounteously evident in EVERY atom of EVERYTHING and I can both SEE and FEEL it today, SO strongly, SO blessedly...!! But such is the awesome wonder of God's Mighty Hand, guiding me in His Wise Plan even through the valleys of death... because, as you ALL know, and as I have so lovingly embraced into my heart, in even the tiniest instances of death, Life STILL reigns victorious, through our Lord Jesus Christ-- God's incarnate Word, His Beloved Son... Love made human. The very manifestation of Live conquering death, of death transmuted INTO LIFE. And God used ALL my "deaths" to bring me here. ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ butter & parsley, breaded chicken, a strawberry syrup mini-sundae, 2% milk, and vanilla VHC. I'm a little concerned-- something in my brain is still "afraid of/ bitter towards" straight-up milk. Not cheese, or butter, or yogurt, or any other derivative... just MILK. And when that distortion even sees "milk" on a label, it gets that same reaction BUT THAT'S ALL TRICKERY! It's all female-condemning distortion!! Why do you think this unit is full of WOMEN? Because the devil has LIED through American culture, through abuse and manipulation and twisting the truth and outright falsehood, and SO many woman are, in a very visceral way, afraid of being women. Heck, what else would you expect, in a culture where such phrases as "throwing/ fighting like a girl," "girly things," and "screaming/ crying like a (LITTLE!) girl," are viewed as INSULTS? And let's not even get started on the subtly toxic, nauseating evils of the cosmetic & fashion & DIET industries, to say the least-- entire societal structures that only FUNCTION as they currently are through twisting & condemning what it means to be female. A woman's natural face & hair are now, by subtle omission, being viewed as "ugly." Without added hair color or style, or without makeup, a woman's REAL face might even be viewed as unnatural by some who have been manipulated into only valuing false showy "prettiness"-- and THAT is what makes women terrified of "growing old"-- cosmetics tells them that they can't be beautiful with wrinkles or thinning hair, which is a TOTAL LIE... as is the fashion AND diet industry lie of "you can only be pretty/ valuable if you're THIN"... and then they twist that even FURTHER by making "thin & tiny" = "sexy," and now those industries are blatantly sexualizing LITTLE GIRLS, while ALSO telling ADULT WOMEN, who God INTENDED to be fuller & heavier & rounder & softer for the sake of HAVING CHILDREN and REFLECTING THE SACRED FEMININE, that such a naturally-reflected, perfectly normal, GOD-GIVEN body change is bad... and in some cases, slutty and ugly. It's a TRAVESTY and I don't want to elaborate any more on the details here for the sake of space... but as it applies to eating disorders and the women here, myself included? We fear womanly bodies. We fear being "ugly" and therefore "worthless" in society's eyes. We seek childlike thinness to escape the threat of "worthlessness" AND the "ugly" judgment of womanly roundness, but then the whole hypersexualization issue hits on BOTH sides, as children NOT WANTING to grow up so fast, AND as women terrified by projected-promiscuity and the fear of objectification AND the terror of a mature, reproductively-capable and EVIDENCING body that they are still not ready for, OR understanding of, AND terrified of. Basically! It's a mess, and I LEGIT could write a book about it, but for now? Well, in light of that mess, it's no wonder so many E.D. victims are scared of fat... of oil... of butter. Of milk. Even of things like chocolate & sugar. Even of mammalian foods. Food, in general, is FEMININE, and it is ALSO sexual, yes I'm serious because I have DEALT with it for years, but it's sexuality in the way GOD INTENDED. It's life GIVING itself to create NEW life. It's creative. It's nourishing. It's PHYSICAL AND spiritual, bodies AND souls, and it's ALL FEMININE!!! SO. Boiled down to the core, a war against femininity is a war against LIFE... and an eating disorder is at war with BOTH. And so, step #1 in conquering it, is to EMBRACE LIFE by embracing FEMININITY, which the E.D. hates. And so I choose to Love NO MATTER WHAT, conquering those lies with TRUTH! I love the milk, AND the ice cream, AND the butter, for milk is THE ultimate feminine food... I love the sugar, sweet like all girls... I love the potatoes & strawberries, FRUITS of plants & the earth, inherently feminine as well... I love the flour, also a fruit of the earth, and a staple food to nourish countless children... I love the parsley, an herb that exists TO give itself as a food, like all plants, again like mothers, like Nature "herself"... and I love the chicken, who probably gave HER breast for this meal, to give her life for mine to grow. God is evident and present in ALL of it... and, through it also, in me. ♥

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo. I "defaulted" to one as the "most comforting" snack option, in a way solely because of the mint, but... then it hit me. I love the whole thing, chocolate and all. And there WAS a time when I, due to fear's lies, avoided mint-chocolate specifically. BUT NO MORE! Love WINS. Love will FOREVER WIN. I refuse fear's lies. I CHOOSE to be a fearless, fully open gateway for Love to enter the world through. And this is part of it. ♥

Dinner= vanilla VHC, meatloaf, french fries, an oatmeal raisin cookie, ranch dressing, a spinach salad (w/ mushrooms, 2 grape tomatoes, & 1/3 of an egg), and a single ketchup packet. Also, I have to be brutally honest and flat-out admit that I've lapsed into drinking hot sauce packets again. I know that's disordered behavior; in the past I'd drink bottles of it. I need to stop, but I keep compulsively thinking I "HAVE" to drink it for "medicinal" reasons, mainly as a digestive aid. But regardless of such "justifications," one big indisputable fact still stands-- it's DISORDERED BEHAVIOR. It is a blatantly bad example, it's RUDE, and it makes ME feel super guilty & ashamed. At this point, I REALLY think I CAN and SHOULD trust my heart when it feels that way about something. That's CONSCIENCE, dude!! That's God-given LEGIT and so, no matter how "difficult" it may be to act in total Loving-obedience opposition TO disorder-- because a disorder, by its very nature, WILL fight & struggle & hurt-- I HAVE TO QUIT. It's only right. So let's leave that at that, and go on to actively choosing loving healthy behavior NOW, in choosing to focus on, and therefore strengthen & perpetuate & bless, the GOOD! Starting with my dear salad. I really love spinach, with its uniquely soft-but-crisp-stemmed texture, richly "umami-chlorophyll" dark green flavor, and bright living vegetable vibe... and I really love mushrooms, too, with their foam-soft texture, lovely petrichor taste, and moist-but-dry unique quality of structure. And those little umbrella-fan bits!! And of course, you all know that I love eggs, with their also-unique fresh white-blue taste and yellow yolks, which taste SO different boiled than otherwise, like in sunny-side-up eggs, BUT which still have that particular heart-taste that I have no descriptive words for yet but dearly love. AND I'm so glad that, thanks to meeting them so often here, I've become such good friends with tomatoes! ♥ They're so sweetly, brightly red, full of fresh water and with that lovely firm-but-giving texture, gelly insides & a firm but thin skin on top. Fruits in general are so nice & fascinating-- and they get even more interesting when dried, like the raisins in our dear cookie friend! This week it's soft again, with that lovely oaty texture in with the flour, and that particular brown-sugar sweetness that only cookies like this seem to have. And the raisins in it are such a lovely complement to it-- their color and taste both! The purplish tone is lovely with that pale but warm brown, and their sweet but tart quality works well with the oats-- unsurprisingly, considering what tomorrow's breakfast will be, brown sugar and all! But yes, adding the flour to the oats gives it a really cool mouthfeel-- and of course, cooking makes a difference too. But it's awesome how it WORKS. Alchemy, kids. God's infinite potential for new creativity even within that which He already Created! Honestly, EVERY TIME I consider how PROFOUNDLY we humans have been blessed in being allowed TO participate in that Creativity, by letting HIM work THROUGH us, even more stupendously... for His glory & praise & love, in us. Through us. By us... for us, in Him. It's incredible. It's beautiful. It makes life all the more precious & deserving of the UTMOST love & respect & gratitude, for EVERY little thing, every little wonder... AND it demands a courageously devoted & loving responsibility in everything we do, too. Which I honestly adore. It's the sweetest "burden" I could ever carry. "For my yoke is easy," as He said. It's 100% true. But it's still a yoke, bucko! And THANK GOD, because if HE wasn't the One guiding us so, we all know there are WAY too many malevolent forces out there trying to shackle us instead. Which I refuse, and will continue to refuse, by carrying this hearty load, pun intended... and by bringing God's Love, through me, His lowly but loving servant, to all the places He sends me, where His love is sorely needed... like TO THIS MEATLOAF, which so many patients openly despise, and which I GENUINELY LOVE. So I refuse to let that lie corrupt my True feelings! I LOVE this meatloaf, dude. Legit. Its texture is so unique; it's a solid thing BUT it's not a "whole unit" like a meat patty-- it's ground meat shaped into that loaf form, with a brown-pink color and a little bit of browned-firmness on the surface & edges, stiffening it. It has a great mouthfeel, chewy-soft but surprisingly springy? And those little bits of fat here & there, too, are real nice! It's a good meat. This is a good meal! ♥ And I promise you, no matter what, I'm going to KEEP IT THAT WAY... with God's help! ♥

8PM Snack= triple Pretzel NuGo night! You wanna talk about legit chocolate pretzel taste? LET'S TALK ABOUT LEGIT CHOCOLATE PRETZEL TASTE. It's gotta be the salt content blending with the soy & rice crisps that does it, PLUS whatever makes this flavor "denser" in its inner-firmness than the other flavors. But yeah, the flavor is virtually exact, and it is FANTASTIC. I enjoyed this snack SO MUCH... and I'm so glad it's now made me eager to fully heal REAL pretzels!! ♥

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UPMC MEAL PLAN IDEAS = Jun. 5th, 2017 11:45 am / 1 D, 2 S, 3 P, 1 F, 1 CS
1) 2 slices toast w/ 4 slices cheese & 1 butter pat // 1 bag potato chips 2) salad w/ peas & chickpeas, avocado, cheese, 2 eggs, sunflower seeds? 3) hot dog, 2 cheeses, frozen yogurt w/ nuts? 4) popcorn, hummus? on toast, yogurt, S = || P = |||| F = 0? D = ||? FR = | CS = | (base meal around this!)
P= tofu, beans, or a new meat? ★ pick the "scariest" thing? S= sourdough? D= whole milk and/or new yogurt FR= berries, dried fruit, OR naked drink CS= overnight oats? cheesecake? +salad? try ALL NEW HEALING THINGS!!! ♥MAKE ART!!!♥ combos= pizza, mac & cheese, pasta,

Jun. 4th, 2017 09:30 am = welcome, L'quie! ♥

Breakfast= a fresh fruit cup (pineapple, cantaloupe, honeydew, and THREE grapes today), vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, cinnamon tea, CREAM CHEESE, an english muffin, and a cheese omelette! ♥ This is SUCH a good breakfast, honestly. ♥ And GUESS WHAT ELSE?? I WAS TOTALLY CONSCIOUSLY PRESENT FOR IT! ♥ Well, maybe not totally-- I am still human, and I'm still healing, BUT I CAN say for sure that EVERY MOMENT and EVERY BITE of this meal was lovingly treasured. ♥ And THAT'S what matters, even if I did dissociate a little here & there. I didn't STAY dissociated! I STAYED HERE! ♥ Which is especially awesome today because this is ONE HECK OF A BREAKFAST! ♥ I was happily surprised by the triple grapes-- they're so sweetly tart and their texture/ mouthfeel is so interesting, especially with that little wine-bitter accent of the skin. The pineapple was a tad browned in spots today but that made it even SWEETER and honestly every time I eat it, it becomes FREER and more dear to me. ♥ Thank God! Same with the melons, too-- my memory of them is quickly & joyfully becoming TOTALLY CURRENT, defined by the love & joy of my NEW LIFE, and my total existence in the NOW, in the blessed, ever-brightening Present, unfettered & unhindered by the past. So yes, that unusually "frosted glass"-vibe of the delicate, super-clear tasting sweet honeydew, and the summer-soft "pastel milk glass" oddly "cushy" texture and happy-cool fresh lightness of the cantaloupe, are as nice & noticeable as ever, and they are ALL my friends now! ♥ So is that blissful CINNAMON TEA, which I had the last packet of today, and didn't mix as a result-- I wanted to savor its precious spice taste on its own, and I sure did! ♥ It's so WARM and "glowy-brown," like the embers in a fireplace. It's lovely. In equally lovely similarity we have the VHC, not so heavy-warm but instead heavy-thick, and much lighter in tone but still comforting-- more like a light blanket in the autumn than an ember in winter! And the vanilla soymilk is even more different-- it's a more "late spring" taste, actually? That happy, just-beginning-to-warm-up, sunny but still nicely cool, Easter season sweetness & lightness is honestly what the soymilk reminds me of the most. New beginnings, and their delicately sweet but ebullient light, full of hope for the gloriously gentle, indomitably blissful dawn. You know, it always amazes me how everything is part of everything. Food isn't an island, nor is anything else, and that is SO IMPORTANT to remember, because it can apply for good or ill-- and a heart can change it in an instant. But the heart isn't an island, either. Deep down, EVERYTHING is God's, so a heart is, by design, naturally inclined to see the Good-- the glimmer of GOD-- in everything. Taste, color, sound, touch, smell, emotion, memory... everything plays on everything else. So an Easter sunrise's vibe CAN be reflected in the taste of vanilla soymilk, and the feel of warmth against a sweet autumn chill can ALSO be reflected in the flavor & texture of the VHC, of all things... it ALL comes from the heart, which sees the All in all, and which was made to Love just as infinitely & unconditionally & globally. But even without such memory resonances, like in the case of new experiences, the heart still has Love, and every unique heart ALSO has its own unique resonance, which-- unsurprisingly & beautifully-- resonates with the uniqueness of certain bits of Creation that are harmonious to its own in some way... sounds, smells, touches, tastes. Each heart has its own special fondnesses that it can find, and as far as food goes, two of mine are in this meal-- that beloved english muffin, and that cheese omelette!! And of course I LOVE cream cheese, but this thought discovery is so new, I can't tell if it really "vibes" with ME yet? I think it does, but I'm not sure HOW, same with the omelette, and THAT'S what I'm curious about! BUT, the cream cheese's thick but soft, salty but subtly sweet, cultured taste... the omelette's fluffy & light egg texture & tastes, its hint of salt & oil/ butter, and the cheese's warm umami glow... and the E.M.'s uniquely sweet fermented-dough taste & fluff-chewy texture... ALL of that is ALWAYS so dear to my heart. ♥

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, which I ate in 10 minutes and thoroughly enjoyed. ♥ The minty flavor in that smooth chocolate (it IS in the candy part!!) is truly lovely, and the internal crisps have a salty touch to them PLUS a DIFFERENT chocolate tone-- it's warmer, browner, & lighter, and (unsurprisingly) reminds me of rice crispies a little, I think? I'll work on it, and I look forward to it! ♥

Lunch= Self-Select #3!! To make up for yesterday's hesitation, I SUPER-challenged myself today by going up to the deli BY MYSELF and telling the lovely lady HOW I WANTED A SANDWICH MADE. So I was assertive, decisive, daring, courteous, and challenging ED behaviors all at once!! ♥ And this is the best part= I didn't get one sandwich. I got TWO HALVES! ♥ So I DOUBLE-CHALLENGED the lovely new food options! The first half-sandwich was: deli rye bread (seeded) with salami, cheddar cheese, mayonnaise, parmesan, lettuce & tomato, and a deli pickle. I NEVER REALIZED SALAMI WAS SO GOOD!! ♥ Especially with the mayo! And the cheddar, oh wow. You thought orange AMERICAN tasted that color? Boy howdy, cheddar is WAY orange!! (The savory hue-tone, obviously!) I LOVE it-- and its rich flavor was the perfect complement to the salami's unique salt-smooth, kielbasi-like flavor. A bit like pepperoni, too! And adding parmesan to the mayo was genius; that different cheese taste (yellow-white, a bit salty, but mild despite its powerful taste) was SUPER good with those also-strong but never-overwhelming flavors. Altogether, it was BEAUTIFUL-- a surprise for such a simple-seeming ingredient combo! And as for half-sandwich #2: it was multi-grain whole wheat bread, chicken salad, swiss cheese, and the same lettuce/ tomato/ mayo/ parm combo as the other, plus bonus pickle. And I have one thing to say about it: WOW. ♥ !! I had to rush a little as we were short on time, but oh my goodness. It was divine. To think I was nervous about trying chicken salad; I never knew what I was missing!! It wasn't salty or canned; it was fresh & bright & beauteous and had SUCH a nice chicken taste, plus that SWISS creamy-bitter unique taste anchored it SO well, and all between that super-hearty bread! It was legit one of the BEST sandwiches I've EVER had (wait until I make my OWN grilled cheese! ♥)!! I also got two bonus deli pickles with those, which I dipped in tartar sauce and thoroughly enjoyed as well. THEN I had a banana, a green apple, & baby carrots w/ ranch dressing-- they were ALL lovely! I also had some cocktail & barbecue sauce with the carrots-- the former was OK, the latter wasn't to my taste... so I DIDN'T EAT ALL OF IT. Now THAT was a challenge!! I didn't force it. I'll try to like it in the future, sure, BUT with its proper match! Food IS art, after all. ♥ And on that note, on a whim (but a good one) I dipped some of the apple in honey mustard-- and the flavors COMPLEMENTED each other! The mustard's sweet dull-bright amber yellow and the apple's sharp pale white-yellow matched already, but they ALSO BOTH have tart/ tangy sweet tastes! And they balanced each other out wonderfully. ♥ I also had decaf black tea, earl grey tea with BERGAMOT-- talk about a beautiful sophisticated taste!-- and hot chocolate cappuccino, which I ALSO added lowfat milk to, to legitimize the taste-- now THAT was a childhood memory punch for sure, but I drank it too fast (I was a little scared? of the chocolate and the memory? I'll have to heal it tomorrow or so ♥) so they didn't clarify. But in time, when we're ready, God'll let 'em out. ♥ You want to talk about LEGIT childhood joy-feeling, though? Then let me tell you about my much-anticipated challenge CS: a cotton candy mini sundae. It was pastel blue & pink with crunch sugar-wafer sprinkles, and it was SHEER BLISS. ♥ OH MY GOSH! I've been missing out big time!! Tell you what-- next amusement park I end up at, I'm stepping up this happy fearless childhood-openheart challenge of love & eating a LEGIT cotton candy puff-cloud. The whole thing. It'll be great, I promise. ♥ But yeah! That was today's lunch, and I have to THANK GOD WITH MY ENTIRE HEART for His Holy Spirit guiding me to make it, on this Holy Pentecost Sunday, because even though I'm honestly stuffed to capacity, I'm stuffed entirely with love & joy. ♥ God has blessed me so abundantly. Thank You. ♥

Dinner= a baked potato, a butter pat, steamed broccoli, a berry magic cup, and... wait for it... chocolate milk AND Sunday Salmon! How's THAT for a lovely surprise? ♥ They had one on my tray and, since I've been hesitant around it lately, I decided to heal it with Love and so I kept it, AND did so! ♥ The chocolate taste isn't heavy like I mistakenly assumed; it's surprisingly a sort of cocoa-sugar flavor?? It's actually NICE!! I'm legitimately becoming a fan of it, and thank God for that! ♥ It's also a lovely unique contrast to the vanilla VHC, with its heavy creamy consistence and vanilla taste-- BUT!! They're BOTH brown tones, and that similarity IS tasteable, which is SUPER COOL-- I'd need to compare them again to pinpoint it, because it's more subtle, but I treasure that sort of thing. ♥ There's also, oddly, some sort of similarity in the "milk" taste aspect, I think? Again, not sure! But I promise-- next chance I get, I WILL compare 'em-- and God willing I'll be able to compare 'em both WARM! Tastes are so much clearer that way! But even so, if they're cold, you all know I'll still love them totally. ♥ The butter & baked potato were also so nice. I'm really starting to like potatoes, you guys! ♥ I'm so happy. This one was a little "crumbly" in texture, and the butter kind of slid off a little, but I still loved it. It's just a bit tricky to chew the unbuttered drier potato BECAUSE it has such a starchy mouthfeel, and that stuff is dense! But still lovely, of course. I've just gotta do better with the butter next time! Anyhow, it DID at least allow me to enjoy a bit more butter on the broccoli, which was nice & firm & green today and DIDN'T have a lot on it to begin with- it usually sticks in the crowns anyway, of course. But I truly love that soft-steamed-sweetness, all special green hued, of the stems- that particular color seems to ONLY show up in lightly steamed broccoli? Lettuce wilts, and I don't think zucchini reacts quite the same flavor-wise (it's far whiter anyway, with dark green skin leanings)... but yeah, broccoli stems get VIVID and SWEET and it's BEAUTIFUL, really! The crowns, too, taste sweeter, but THEY get mushy, and since they're also dark green, their flavortone is inevitably very different as a whole-- it's something I DO recognize but it's still so new & unique that I don't have words for it yet... it's a subtle little thing, but what a wonder! And, honestly, it's very hard to really pinpoint here at COPE because the spinach is usually covered in dressing, the cucumber rind is so tiny, and the broccoli is buttered! Ah well. Like I said, I'll have tons of time in the future to learn more color tastes-- God willing, of course!-- and right now, my truest, deepest mission is to LOVE IT ALL no matter what! ♥ And I do. Broccoli is LOVELY with butter, dude, just like it's lovely with the cheese soup! Again, there's something in the particular flavortone of cruciferous vegetables that harmonizes VERY nicely with milk products? And specifically cheese, I think? Honestly, dude, they make cauliflower with cream sauce and brussels sprouts with cream of mushroom! But broccoli goes best with the cheese, I think-- oh, no wonder why. It's also a COLOR THING, duh! ♥ MORE beauty to learn in the future!! Honestly, I'm excited. OH-- and remember, it's COOKED cruciferous vegetables that work with it! Raw ones-- well, we'll find out what they love to play with in the future... maybe even at SS! ♥ For now, though, it's time for a totally across-the-spectrum-wheel color-- PINK! But let's start with the reddish-leaning tone of that SALMON. Oh man. It has SUCH a unique taste; it's surprisingly reminiscent of chicken?? But there IS a "fish" tone deep down, unmistakeable but NOT so river-potent-fresh as the cod! Salmon is heavier in tone, texture, and color-- it breaks very "messily," like tunafish looks in tuna salad? Little feathered bits, although you can still "slide" slabs of the meat apart into those clean divisions, though their "meaty" texture makes that prone to breaking apart, too. Like white meat chicken, but moister, and not so densely structured! Also, those herbs on top are a PERFECT color complement AND beautiful herbal flavor accent TO the fish, all white and literal "salmon pink!" In contrast, that Magic Cup was PURE PINK, like straight up Julie's new hair color, practically. No cerise lean! But it's so gently sweet, too; it's truly lovely. This whole meal was truly lovely! And I thank God that I was able TO love it so. ♥

8PM Snack= a berry magic cup (again ♥ ) and TWO pretzel NuGo bars! Doubling up really helps lock in the data, and it SURE DID-- these never clicked so clearly before! Their inner crisps are firmer & chewier than the other kinds? And the sea salt on the dark chocolate makes it uniquely seem WARMER in tone, like milk chocolate? It's so interesting! But yes-- the mouthfeel taste is LEGIT like an actual chocolate-covered pretzel. ♥ Now THAT is cool!!

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SELF SELECT 060417 = Jun. 4th, 2017 11:30 am / #3 ♥PENTECOST♥ (LUNCH) ~SUNDAY 0604~ ♥ = 16 ★ = 2 ✦ = 1 / (P) 3 | (2) S | (2) F | (2) FR | (1) D | (1) CS
♥1) Deli rye bread; 1 slice (1S) ♥2) Multi-grain whole wheat bread; 1 slice (1S) ♥3) Salami; 3 slices? (2P) ♥4) Cheddar cheese; 2 slices? (1P) ♥5) Swiss cheese; 2 slices (1D) ♥6) Chicken salad (1P 1F) ♥7) Lettuce & tomato; 4 each (~V) ♥8) Deli pickles; 2 (~V) ♥9) Baby carrots w/ ranch dressing (~V 1F) ♥10) Banana (1FR) ♥11) Green apple (1FR) ♥12) Cotton candy sundae; 180mL (1CS) ♥13) Mayonnaise; 4 packets (1F) ♥14) Honey mustard; 1 small tub (-) ✦15) Cocktail sauce; 1 packet (-) ★16) Tartar sauce; 1 packet (-) ♥17) Earl grey tea; 140mL (-) ★18) Hot chocolate cappuccino w/ milk; 120mL (-) ♥19) Decaf black tea; 240mL (-)
♥almost there!= whole milk, jello, kashi, cappuccino, decaf, tartar & cocktail sauce. ♥new friends!= rye bread. multigrain wheat bread, salami, cheddar, swiss, chicken salad, deli pickles, green apple, honey mustard, cotton candy sundae, earl grey tea w/ bergamot

Jun. 3rd, 2017 09:30 am = let your heart sparkle! ★★★

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a blueberry pop tart, a strawberry pop tart, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, a strawberry Nutrigrain bar, and cinnamon tea (a surprise from Jena's dad)! And I'll tell you what, just like Bernie-- this breakfast is now a FAVE. ♥ Yes, this one, that I originally met with such anxiety & protest; poor darling! I was blind to the love & light in it nevertheless, by the grace of God... but now? Through faith, hope, & sheer indomitable devoted determination to LOVE, by that SAME blessed beloved God-given grace, now I CAN see, AND taste, AND feel that love & light within it, with it, within me-- figuratively and literally, of course. ♥ But yes, today was the key. Why? Because I took the last "proper respect" step-- and I HEATED THE POP TARTS. ♥ DUDE I HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD MAKE THAT BIG OF A BEAUTIFUL DIFFERENCE. Don't get me wrong; cold PopTarts are beautiful too; but they are MEANT to be heated-- and NOW I SEE WHY! ♥ Their fruity filling CHANGES. The sugars caramelize, and the flavor mellows-- heat does that to things!-- changing the cold-sugar sharpness of intensity into a warm-sugar wideness, if that makes sense?-- but best of all, the TEXTURE SHIFTS!! It, too caramelizes! ♥ It's no longer stiffly-gel solid, but more like the Nutrigrain filling in flow? BUT, Nutrigrains don't have heat-sticky-firm bits!!! ♥ And I LOVE that stuff! The heat ALSO mellows the icing sweetness to match, WITHOUT changing its feeling of childlike joyful sugar-sparkle, AND it mellows the BISCUIT flavor, enhancing its "salty" buttery undertone, and softening its texture just a little-- making it similar to the pie crust? But not crumbly like it! In any case, trust me when I say IT IS WONDERFUL. ♥ I am SO GLAD I got to have them BOTH today like that, too! ♥ I'm looking forward to next Saturday so I can treasure them again & deepen the data! Similarly, I must reiterate that I truly love the Nutrigrain bars, too-- IN THE NOW. I've realized that I was previously shackling them to past fears & unsafe environments, and other sad things... which is totally unfair! The food is innocent and GOOD, and it never had a say in what it was associated with in the past-- BUT! I have a say in how I protect & cherish it NOW! ♥ And now, it is soft & childlike & sweet & gentle, its grain-sweet & soft outside lovely & embracing that deep red lovely strawberry inside so perfectly. And the oatmeal & raisins, too, are BEAUTIFULLY GOOD in the present, too! ♥ Together, they are humble & comforting & sweet & happy, their textures so cool together-- and today, I ALSO added a tiny bit of the VHC-- and DUDE that REALLY added an extra tone of pure-sweet-gentle vanilla warmth!! I've GOT to do that again in the future! But yes, by itself even, I really love the VHC! It has such a boss consistency, all creamy & "pancake batter thick" as everyone said it would be-- and which is AWESOME. And its flavor, slightly different than the Ensure (a little mellower?), is also great! It's "heavier" than the soymilk's lovely light sweetness, but it's NOT sugary like the Ensure was... and of course, I'm also amusingly fond of that "multivitamin" aftertaste! Same with our old friend, the soymilk-- there's such a playful delicacy to its flavor, but it's just so HAPPY, even though it's also so serene! I really do love it. Guess what ELSE I love? THE CINNAMON TEA!!! ♥ It's a brand-new, special limited-edition joy for real-- Jena's father brought TWO BAGS on his last visit, and Jena thought of me & my love of spiced teas (honestly she is SUCH A SWEETHEART; I love her dearly & just wish we could be closer-- I'll have to find ways to relate to & reach out to her more when she's feeling well), and so I now had the EXTRA breakfast bliss today of CINNAMON TEA! I keep capitalizing it because it really was JUST THAT AWESOME. It's also just that simple... cinnamon tea. Just... take a look at those two words, combine 'em, and TREASURE the result. I already love cinnamon, and I've become very fond of black tea, so when you put those two strong & lovely tastes together? Yeah. It's LOVELY x 2. And it was ALSO the PERFECT FLAVOR COMPLEMENT to the oatmeal & raisins & VHC beautiful combo!! Man. If they didn't frown on mixing drinks here-- ironically, because if you've ever been to a coffee shop they are ALL about mixing drinks (but really, it's actually about keeping vigilant track of fluid amounts)-- I would have TOTALLY mixed it with the vanilla VHC. Their tones are a PERFECT match, honestly. But hey, if I can't do so here, that's a joy I can look forward to perpetuating at home! ♥

Lunch= SELF-SELECT #2!! ♥ Now that I have a much clearer grasp of how this works & what to do, it's a source of SHEER JOY for me. Not only is the environment beautiful-- wide open spaces, high ceilings, moving cool air, bright wide windows lining the walls AND ceiling edges-- but the EXPERIENCE itself is just so freeing. It's so liberating-- not just because I can walk about IN that openness & look at all the varieties of food, God's beautiful Created life-giving living things-- not just because it's NOT isolated or hyperfocused or cramped or unnaturally silent-- and not even just because I get to experience the sheer joy of FREE BUT STRUCTURED CREATIVITY-- my favorite, a sandbox but with defining walls-- in being given an exhanges-to-meet list but then having TOTAL freedom of choice to figure out how to meet those exchanges, without going over in exchanges or portions, WITH the limited selection at the cafeteria, that VARIES every day! But yes, as a result, today was a vaster challenge of opportunity & discovery, blessedly so, and for today's equally blessed lunch, SO new, I chose: a wheat flour pita w/ lettuce & tomato, corned beef lunchmeat, provolone cheese, & mayonnaise; apple slices w/ caramel sauce; a container of Kashi GoLean crunch; white chocolate cappuccino; decaf coffee; & chai tea. I also admittedly had seven hot sauce packets but that just SOLIDLY CONFIRMED that I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! So I WON'T. ♥ Let's focus on everything that went WELL! ♥

3PM Snack= well kids, I finally did it. I made a SNACK OPTION GRAB BAG, and the first one I picked was an orange magic cup, so here we are! I got to eat it in the COMPUTER ROOM while talking to GRANT (who is awesome) and even though it was TOTALLY FROZEN it was... dare I say... MAGICAL. ♥ I'm totally serious guys, it tasted so happy. I'm so glad God surprise-blessed me with this little gift! ♥

Dinner= breaded chicken tenders w/ pepper, french fries, a single ketchup packet, strawberry yogurt, fig newtons, and vanilla VHC. I flippin' love this dinner you guys. Let's start with those NEWTONS! Like this morning's dear Nutrigrain, once I lovingly freed these dear fruit bars from past-vibe shackles, releasing them new & free into the NOW-- again, THANK GOD for my paradoxical blessing of memory issues & detachment from the past-- they became TOTALLY FEARLESS & LOVED! ♥ The fig filling, full of blissful-texture tiny seeds, and sun-browned-purple "caramelized" dried-fruit sweetness, just a little tart at the edges like the raisins, but not as "sharp," surprisingly! I wonder why that is? I'll have to look it up. But in any case, like the raisins in the oatmeal, the figs & the golden-brown-tinted flour here go so well together. Interestingly, I don't think it'd work the other way around? Like, the raisins have a more intense tartness & sweetness both, and need the super-mild-gentle oats to hold them best... whereas the figs are still sweet & tart, but less so, AND more blue-leaning in sweetness, maybe?? It IS a notably different color tone in any case, and color is VITA when it comes to combos & unities! But yes, no way to compare that here, except in memory data! Still, the Newtons are dearly enjoyed now, pun intended. ♥ The strawberry yogurt is ALSO dearly enjoyed, not just because of that BLISSFULLY FROTHY mouthfeel, which I genuinely love, but ALSO because of its particular pink taste-- it's more pastel than the Greek kind and not leaning blue like the cake filling, but it's not red either, like the fillings & syrups... it's like, a childlike pink? Especially with those little red berry bits in it! It's soft & gently sweet, but the sweetness is so clear-- the actual strawberry flavor is quite mild, and actually feels secondary to the vibe?? It's hard to put into words! You'll have to be patient with me; I'll try it again soon and give you clearer data then. At least now I know what to describe & pay extra attention to!! The only "succinct" thing I can say is that this strawberry yogurt is like, "plush" almost? Vibe-wise? That "childlike" feel keeps sticking out in my head. But yeah. I'll get back to you on it later on. For today, I truly loved it, and that's enough. ♥ You know, that's something I've been feeling a LOT lately with these journals-- yes, it's very helpful & respectful & loving to actively SHOW my gratitude & Love & praise of God both in & for His gifts of food & friendship & healing, which is what I specifically keep this journal for, and WANT to KEEP doing-- and it ALSO helps my memory & focus, obviously-- but sometimes, I worry that in the writing, I worry so much about "data" that it's taking away from the actual experiences? Like that yogurt-- yes, I loved it, but if I can't describe it clearly enough afterwards, I feel I'm losing sight of that love. And if I try too hard to "GET data" during a meal, it can take away from simple enjoyment. BUT. I NEED BOTH!!! So there HAS to be a BALANCE, a harmony-- I need to simply talk about what I DO remember, in grateful childlike love & praise of God, without obsessing over what I don't remember today-- and, when I AM eating, I must be AWARE of that loving purpose, and get more, purer, clearer data through LOVING attention-- AND, not surprisingly, through Laurie's help!!! "Describe it to me," she always asks, then peppers me with specific questions-- BUT!!! She ALSO affirms & encourages my LOVE & GRATITUDE, adding in "you're really enjoying that, huh?" or "So what's your favorite thing about this food?" ACTIVE love! After all, I can praise all I want after, but it's the NOW MOMENT that we SHOW Love in, and keeping my mind & motives & total experience FIXED ON LOVE in such an actively PARTICIPATORY way, is what matters most. ♥ So, what do I love about the fries? Their oily taste, their firm & chewy golden pointy ends, their starchy-airy potato insides, the soft cushy bite & mouthfeel of the bendy fries, the way the firmer fries are just a but crisp when you bite them, and the golden-oil taste tone it all has, rich enough that they don't need salt! And what do I love about the CHICKEN? Their peppery-spicy heat, the crisp-hard breading texture, the fact that it's HARD at the very ends but not crunchy, the smooth bready mouthfeel, the juicy taste of the chicken, and those little bits of fat through the bottom! And the VHC? I love its thickness, its creamy consistency, its warm but gentle vanilla taste, and that unique vitaminy tone. And THAT'S the data that counts! ♥

8PM Snack= the final "challenge" options: a berry magic cup, a chocolate syrup mini-sundae, & the tiny chocolate/ vanilla ice creams! I REALLY like the magic cups & sundaes again, thank Goodness; the berry cup is very "potent sweet" but it IS lovely! Same goes for the heavy syrup-chocolate of the sundae-- very sweet, but truly nice. And those little ice creams are growing on me, too! Just remember-- KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, DUDE!!! ♥

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SELF SELECT 060317 =Jun. 3rd, 2017 11:30 am / #2 (LUNCH) ~SATURDAY 060317~ ♥ = 8 ★ = 5 ✦ = 0 / (S) 3 | (P) 3 | (F) 2 | (D) 1 | (FR) 1
♥1) Wheat flour pita (2S) ★2) Lunchmeat: corned beef; 3oz (3P) ♥3) Provolone cheese; 2 slices (1D) ♥4) Lettuce & tomato (~V) ♥5) Mayonnaise; 5 tbsp? (3F) ♥6) Apple slices (1FR) ♥7) Caramel sauce (-) ★8) Kashi soy/ wheat/ fiber cereal (1S) ★9) White chocolate cappuccino; 120mL (-)
★10) Decaf coffee; 120mL (-) ♥11) Chai tea; 360mL (-) ♥12) Decaf black tea; 350mL (-) ★13) Hot sauce; 7 packets (-)
the pita has a GORGEOUS taste & texture! the caramel & apples were really NICE! the cereal was actually NICE and even better with the cappuccino in it! but data is unclear for: lunchmeat, provolone, cappuccino although I DID sincerely love them all very much! ♥
♥keep loving! = applesauce, whole milk, jello, hot sauce ♥new friends! = wheat pita, provolone, caramel, chai tea, corned beef lunchmeat, white chocolate cappuccino ♥almost there!= kashi golean crunch, coffee
upcoming friendships= pepperjack cheese, onion kaiser roll, french roll, marble rye, croissant, turkey lunchmeat✔, foccacia bread, strawberry jello, cookies & cream sundae, roasted veggie salad, orange pekoe tea, english breakfast tea, breaded fish, lemon poppyseed cake, blueberry bagel, french vanilla cappuccino, big cookies, ice cream cookie sandwiches, salad dressings✔, cake squares w/ frosting

CBT 061717

DBT 061617

RATIONAL MIND = Decisions based on FACTS, not FEELINGS!!!
★judges, lawyers, etc.

WISE MIND = considers BOTH minds!!

★emotional mind's biggest gift is EMPATHY! wise mind gives it PRUDENCE!!

"HOW" SKILLS: being mindful in a crisis

1) non-judgmental
- if we don't have the big picture, we tend to ASSUME?
- can be POSITIVE or NEGATIVE = labels; not always true!
- AS FACTUAL AS POSSIBLE! "same conclusion from different people" (describing a chair)

2) be one-mindfully
- focus on ONE THING at a time IN THE MOMENT!
- vigilance for YOUR sake AND others!

3) effectiveness
- what works for ME? POSITIVELY/ HEALTHILY!!

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DON'T THINK DISTORTEDLY!!!

Problem: scared of going home // horribly depressed at home

1) specific reasons WHY the problem exists

- scared of cramped, cluttered, dark environment
- no space to "call my own"
- lots of noise and virtually impossible to find quiet
- minimal access to safe coping skills/ activities
- feeling trapped, stagnant, "swept up"
- lots of traumatic-memory triggers, esp. environmental
- hyperfocus OR ostracization from family
- feel hopeless, futureless, aimless, lost
- overwhelmed by family/ church responsibilities
- feel obligated to/ dependent on serving family
- I'm just miserable there for some reason
- prone to E.D. & S.A. behaviors as a result
- unable to express myself genuinely w/o threat, danger
- high-stress, anxious, angry, noisy environment

2) possible solutions

- MOVE OUT
- isolate self outdoors? (impractical)
- spend less time AT home: travel (need $$ though, AND places to sleep/ work creatively)
- go back to school & dorm? (need $$)
- make friends & stay with them?
★ stay with dad instead/ temporarily?
- look into shelters & such
★ TELL FAM WHY I'M UPSET SO WE CAN ALL WORK TOGETHER TO MAKE A NEW, HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT!!!

★would you STILL be scared if, theoretically, the family had "moved into a different house?"

· NO = no environmental trauma triggers, possible own room/ open space/ light, NO CLUTTER, NO HOARDS

· YES = still living w/ anxious & noisy & angry people, and that seems to be the main factor?
BUT!!
-grandma would be MUCH HAPPIER in a clean house
- my bros would be MUCH HAPPIER with their own spaces & privacy
- viral would probably also benefit greatly from "non-trauma" environment

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RECOVERY PLANNING 061517

RECOVERY PLANNING = TIME MANAGEMENT!

★recovery is INTERNAL & EXTERNAL! and CONTINUAL!

★EXPECT SLIPS; but get back up & continue even stronger than before!

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TIME= not too busy OR too bored, so to speak!

★LEARN TO SAY "NO" when a "yes" would be unhealthy AT THAT TIME!!

★PRIORITIZING: wants vs NEEDS!
"what is TRULY important in my life?"

★needs = SURVIVAL; health of body, mind, AND soul
- food, rest, hygiene, shelter, etc.
- emotional stability, mental healthy, relapse prevention, etc.
- career, finances, education, etc.

★REALISTIC to-do lists; tangible goals, sense of accomplishment/ progress
★DELEGATION: let others help you! ★HUMILITY/ LOVE/ APPRECIATION
★you CAN'T do EVERYTHING; sometimes to properly meet NEEDS, you HAVE to let others do some of the things you feel YOU must do

★FREE TIME/ EXTRA TIME: reduce stress & just be!!
★REMEMBER CHRISTMAS 2013!! ♥ THAT'S good freetime use!

★HEALTHY stress relief: you're ALLOWED to take time to do those things!! ♥
★fit prudently INTO schedule!!

~KNOW THYSELF!~

"Do the MOST with your time in the HEALTHIEST way!!"

★OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION = if it needs to be done, DO IT!

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061317

SELF ESTEEM ★humility + compassion + hope + courage

("whether you believe you can or cannot… you're right!")

★SELF ESTEEM IS NOT "PRIDE!"

★don't discount the positives-- THEY are what's REAL!

★SELF = INTERNAL

"you are NOT what happened to you/ what you struggle with"

1) ALL have infinite/eternal worth as people
2) ALL are equally worthy of value, despite differences

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EXPRESSING POSITIVE FEELINGS

is a slight problem in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel ashamed/guilty of being positive when someone else is suffering; feels ignorant?
- I feel like my positivity is fake, put-on, foolish, or "manipulative"
- I feel my levels of positivity expression are socially/ situationally inappropriate or unwise

Positive feelings that are the easiest for me to express include:
- Gratitude, appreciation
- Peace, harmony
- Hope, courage

Positive feels that are the most difficult for me to express include:
- Love, affection
- Joy, excitement, interest, enjoyment
- Support, concern, inspiration, motivation, care

BOREDOM
is a "slight problem" in my life.

Describe the reason for this answer:
- I feel too tired, sad, mentally exhausted to restart most of my creative work
- Feeling "not allowed" to take time for myself/ my interests due to other responsibilities/ caretaking

I enjoy the following hobbies or activities:
- going outside & literally just wandering around
- building things/ putting things together? "ARTISTIC" construction
- playing music skillfully but w/o an audience or performance criteria
- researching things I find interesting & creatively building upon them

As a result of my addiction, I gave up these activities:
- playing/composing music, reading, researching, studying language, writing, journaling, exploring, jogging, going to choral concerts, going to school, playing good video games, watching good movies, traveling, going places socially but safely, Scripture study, volunteering, working out, painting, color studies & design, working w/ dad, cleaning/organizing, finding new music

Of this list, I miss the following activities the most:
- TRAVEL, research & creative-building

New activities or interests that I could get involved with include:
- learning to play cello & harp & drums
- hands on, practical work? like construction or a trade
- robotics? biology? chemistry? physics? LANGUAGE? "structural" studies
- skateboarding? parkour? "free" movement feeling. (Dance??) (SPORTS?)

Are you bored with recovery? If so, explain why:
- I feel stagnant and stuck, like no matter how many obligatory "behavior goals" I meet, deep down I'm still not recovered somewhere important.

What excites me and makes me feel passionate or feel good about my life is:
- MOVEMENT; LEARNING/STUDY
- Anything to do with STRUCTURE?
- Going outside, seeing new things
- helping others w/o being shackled to repetition/stagnancy?

My goal in relation to my boredom is:
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed/ angry about wanting to do truly nice enjoyable things
- to not feel guilty/ ashamed about being my OWN person with my OWN interests
- to schedule these good things SOLIDLY into my DAILY routing and STICK TO 'EM

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- listing things I enjoy/ want to learn & drafting a tentative "schedule" for them, PRUDENTLY
- trying, however briefly, one new thing every day-- even if just researching a new thing, walking somewhere new, trying a new food, etc.
★ACCOMPLISHABLE WITHIN A DAY WITHOUT PILING UP!!! "done and done"

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- a richer, happier, freer, brighter, fuller, more joyous & alive life experience
- the ability to DO more; to feel more "a part of" the world and its people & THEIR lives

DEPRESSION
is a "serious problem" in my life.

Depression has affected my life in the following ways:
- not caring about treatment anymore, lack of motivation, future feels empty & stagnant

I am currently depressed because:
- I'm not letting myself BE myself; I'm so scared of going "home" that I'm letting it drain all the joy out of the present

Do you have a lot of negative, pessimistic, or depressing thoughts? Explain:
- I feel that optimism & "hoping for the best" is childish & stupid? "Look at all the pain in the world-- what maes you think YOU deserve any better??" Feel that peace/ joy/ health is "a sign that I'm not fighting demons anymore" NOT out of victory, but out of MORALLY CORRUPT PRIDE/ SELF-SATISFACTION.

My addiction and my depression are connected in the following ways:
- I DON'T HAVE an eating disorder OR substance addiction UNLESS I'M DEPRESSED.

FEELING EMPTY
is a moderate problem in my life.

What makes me feel good about myself or feel a sense of purpose and satisfaction is:
- Helping others heal in concrete ways, but STILL being able to help myself heal in the process; doing creative arts (music, painting, writing) that have end results that really touch people's hearts

I feel like I am not using my talents, abilities or creativity. Explain:
- I feel obligated to just "hang around the house" for emotional/social support, and am therefore barred from travel, study, art, & music?

My use of alcohol or other drugs affected my feeling empty or joyless by:
- Taking up ALL my free time & money & attention, robbing me of BOTH my opportunities and ability to be creatively productive, AND of my opportunities/ abilities to honestly, tangibly help other people heal & grow & better their lives

I do feel connected to God or a Higher Power. Explain:
- I do, powerfully so, but I am terrified that He wants me to ONLY cater to others? I want to use my GOD-GIVEN TALENTS to help people grow closer to God, too-- AND to be a LIVING testament to Him in my DAILY LIFE, no matter WHERE OR WHAT I'm doing!! I want to stay in the Church, but ALSO CARRY the Church in my heart!!!

Steps I will take to overcome feelings of emptiness:
- Set short/ medium/ long term goals that are achievable & not overwhelming
- Schedule my days & weeks, INCLUDING "simple things time" to just recharge & relax!!
- Nurture my relationships & community responsibilities PRUDENTLY = no burnout!!

Potential benefits of reaching this goal:
- Not overwhelmed but not empty either!
- Restored sense of progress, purpose, helpfulness, joy, & excitement for daily life

GRIEF
is a moderate problem in my life.

List any losses you believe are contributing to your grief:
- Loss of family connections/interaction
- Loss of friendships-- Jacob, Melody, Braeden, Kinsara, E? Oliver?
- Loss of sense of supportive creative community-- Jimmy, Ben, Dare
- Loss of educational career
- Loss of LIFE/TIME due to trauma/ mental illness
- Loss of past creative works

Describe your grief in relation to losses listed above. Focus on your feelings and thoughts.
- I feel aimless & identity-shaken
- I feel isolated
- I feel "barred" from the possibility of a healthy future in the "real world"
- I feel trapped & scared

Describe how your grief has affected your substance use, physical heath and mental health.
- I turned to the E.D. to fill the "endless empty space" associated w/ lack of future hopes

GUILT AND SHAME
are a severe problem in my life.

Behaviors or actions on my part during my active addiction that I feel guilty about include:
- Stealing money to use on the addiction, wasting food & money, wasting OTHERS' food & money, lying, hiding, cheating, manipulating others, not spending time w/family, not realizing/caring how the addiction affected them, bringing shame & misery onto my family

Of these behaviors, the ones I feel the most guilt about are:
- Stealing
- Lying
- Not spending time with my family
- Skipping/ abandoning community obligations

My addiction changed me in the following ways:
- IT DIDN'T.
All that junk was a TEMPORARY LIE.
I'm just so, so distraught that it happened.

My goal in relation to my feelings of guilt and shame is:
- To not hate myself for the horrible things I did while I was sick, but would NEVER do sober
- To restore, as much as possible, my family's trust/ love/ forgiveness towards me
- To focus on a NEW life AWAY from my foolish past mistakes & poor choices

Steps I will take to reach this goal are:
- Focus on the Good that is STILL IN ME
- Admit flat-out what I did and contritely ask for forgiveness
- Make amends by helping others heal, replacing what I took/ damaged/ destroyed, and PROVING BY MY ACTIONS THAT I AM HEALED!

Potential benefits of reaching my goal are:
- Restored family harmony
- Restored sense of self-respect and hope
- A will to live

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060917

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CBT 060717

"PROBLEM SOLVING TREES"

Problem:
Desired outcome:

Step 1) Identify the problem = SPECIFICS!
(behavior, situation, time, etc.)
really get to the ROOT: get as much info as possible!

Step 2) Generate possible solutions = pros/ cons for each
(think creatively?)
don't rule ANYTHING out! they're ALL helpful!

Step 3) Decide on a solution
don't perfectionize! pick one that feels optimal and GIVE IT A SHOT! ♥

Step 4) Evaluate the Outcome = how'd it work?
(ask for feedback if needed?)
be honest but grateful, realistic but bright-eyed

Step 5) Try another solution if #4 didn’t work well!
be like a kid = excited about lessons & possibilities! no matter what, you'll find what WORKS, AND what DOESN'T!

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060517 DBT DISTRESS TOLERANCE

- think of the Spectrum. even the "stressed" parts of us exist for a REASON!
★stress is UNAVOIDABLE, bucko. you just gotta COPE!
- Love conquers all, kid! God's hand is in ALL THINGS at ALL TIMES!!!
★THOUGHT-RESPONSE MANAGEMENT IS KEY!
- YOUR mental reaction to a situation DETERMINES how you FEEL ABOUT IT!!

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today's focus: DISTRACTION as a coping skill
- it "stops" negative thought process loops in a VERY powerful but gentle way

★get a POSITIVE DISTRACTION LIST!!
- require INTENSE FOCUS!
★ALSO put together a "DISTRACTION KIT" or something to have quick access to these things in a crisis!
★include PICTURES of System folks, Switzerland, snow, sparkly things, etc.

- paintblots (even just looking at old ones is helpful!)
- klonoa, nier, dishonored,sonic, pokemon (BE FEARLESS!)
- listening to music (esp. love/hope resonant; "edible")
- playing/composing music (freely so! let it just flow!)
- reading (esp. Leaguework! it ALWAYS helps so much. ♥)
- going outside (and WANDER in WONDER like a child! ♥)
- exercise/ sports? (channel Jasper or Psyche, too, if needed!)
- sewing (by hand, ideally; requires more meditative focus)
- cleaning/organizing (a little at a time; get it DONE! ♥)
- watching good tv/ movies (SU especially! do movie nights!)
- research (but LIMIT IT; don't open like 50 tabs, dude)

A= ACTIVITY (do something you love & enjoy; "re-tune" yourself to what's GOOD

C= CONTRIBUTING (make yourself sincerely available to help others; donate TIME!)

C= COMPARISON (remember good things & blessings; SEE that silver lining!)

E= EMOTION (replace negatives with positives! chin up and HEART-POWER THROUGH!)

P= PUSH AWAY (temporarily distance self from situation; wait until the storm passes)

T= TAKE CONTROL (of your THOUGHTS! "how do I WANT to respond/ feel?")

S= SENSATIONS (smell candles, hold ice, look at bright colors, cold shower, etc.)

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060417

worries about going "home" =

- no job opportunities other than packaging plants/ retail
- "stuck in past" feeling
- limited places to go, esp. to buy food
- no nearby public transportation
- can't walk anywhere
- "everybody knows your OLD name," so to speak
- feel like there's no growth in my life there
- future possibilities seem distant & intangible
- feel bound to a repeating loop of day-to-day inert routine
- hard to find room to "creatively expand"
- very little non-church social connection
- can't live on my own there (yet?)

★I want to start a NEW life as literally as possible. I've been given a second chance and I want to USE IT for the glory of God the Creator AND the good of others… and, I will admit, I want to LIVE, too.

Before I was just "existing." There's a difference between "being happy w/ a simple life" and "ignoring your calling & stagnating." No wonder I developed an addiction-- I was SO DEPRESSED from feeling so STUCK. I was in a looping inert situation, not fully using my gifts. Yes I loved helping my church, but even then, I knew I couldn't keep living the way I was OUTSIDE of church. Church is OUTSIDE of spacetime; I felt "at home" THERE. I never wanted to leave. BUT I NEED to build a NEW LIFE where my faith is not struggling to thrive in the face of my "living situation."

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060417

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- cost of living in Pennsylvania; city variations
- cost of living per state
- climates per state, vs PA
- homes/ apartments for rent in "hometown" areas/counties
- homes/ apartments for rent in PA
- where is JMC right now? how is she?
- rate of Catholicism per state
- how to move out of USA
- what countries allow USA immigrants
- how to travel cheaply, especially w/o own car
- "bare minimum" travel gear/ packing
- how to bus-hop or train-hop across USA
- couchsurfing safety, tips, etc.
- housing/ shelter options for vagrants in USA
- LGBTQIA friendly states/ cities
- education opportunities
- education costs
- scholarships for returning/ adult students?
- adult responsibility "getting started" help
- medicaid insurance acceptance rate?
- cost of insurances
- can you get extra income on disability
- get paid to blog; how
- screenprinting shirts
- acrylic-like fabric paints
- states w/ cleanest tap water
- states w/ most woodlands AND social progress
- how to earn money without a job
- OKC
- make friends in other states
- rights we have in USA vs other countries
- pay rate yearly for carpenters, plumbers, landscaping, interior design, culinary arts, other "hands on" jobs
- skills needed for ^ jobs, + education
- job fields desperate for workers; "high demand" and/or necessary work
- bills, banks, taxes, etc. financial responsibilities

LIST:

- all types of breads/grains
- all kinds of cheese
- all kinds of meat (+ high protein foods in comparison)
- all kinds of vegetables
- all kinds of fruit
- all flavors of ice cream
- all flavors of yogurt
- all kinds of cereal
- "COMBINATION FOODS" (sandwiches, even)
- RECIPE SITES
- pinterest? tumblr? (for recipes)
- ethnic foods
- study of taste?
- flavor interplays
- PLACES TO BUY GOOD FOOD (countrywide)

★self-publishing
★website hosting
★wacom tablets
"minimize" amount of carryable tablets; PUBLISH SERIES!!!

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060417

future "shopping list" / "meal planning" ideas

★best to BUY DAILY, like in SLC AND COPE; live somewhere where you can WALK to stores!
★the more uneaten food you have sitting around, the more prone you are to RELAPSE r/n. our future goal is to be 100% free from all such inclinations! BUT we MUST AVOID ALL POTENTIAL "TEMPTATIONS" until our mind & heart are solidly stable!

· buffets, like at Presby, are a nice option
· restaurants, diners, etc. are too expensive to frequent
· buy single-serve items whenever possible
· COMPARE PRICES ^ vs bulk
· for non-perishables, UTILIZE PORTION-CONTROLLED STORAGE
· keep uneaten food OUT OF ACCESS outside of meals; lock it up if you must
· spend as much time OUTDOORS/ away from food as possible

★ I want to be able to live MINIMALISTICALLY!!! ideally, you should be able to PACK UP & MOVE ON A WHIM. totally pare down your belongings.

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060317 CBT

★re-framing/ transmuting thoughts
★THOUGHT RECORDS (+trees)

1) what's happening factually/ Who is involved/ etc. = OBJECTIVE
2) What am I thinking about it? What am I feeling about it? = SUBJECTIVE

★DO THIS IN WRITING. Thoughts are like dominoes! One leads to another, and you can easily lose focus/ get overwhelmed.

★In writing, you can INDIVIDUALLY DISSECT EACH THOUGHT.
- which are factual?
- which are distorted?
- which are automatic?

★automatic thoughts = they "just occur"; DON'T need triggers; habitual; patterns
- need to RECOGNIZE them in order to challenge roots/ transmute them
(influenced by past, beliefs, social pressure, context, exposure to other's same thoughts, etc.)
★"WHY am I repeatedly having this thought?" "WHERE is this thought coming from?" (see above)

★CORE BELIEFS = "roots" of thought/behavior trees; affect IDENTITY?
-start in CHILDHOOD: assumptions of normalcy, disciplinary teachings, morals, etc.
- VALUES^; "set of standards that you live by"

★YOU DON'T HAVE TO ADHERE TO ALL LEARNED CORE BELIEFS
- respect differences on BOTH SIDES!
★challenging family beliefs is NOT challenging them as people!!
their beliefs are based on THEIR experiences; they're NOT "hard & fast rules!!!"

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060217

The new fat on my body
holds healing.

It's GOOD.
100%, tangibly.

It's storing ALL the healing,
all the hope,
all the faith,
all the Love,
that I've put INTO my meals here,
and which now are literally part of me
for life's sake,
for the energy to LIVE,
IN those Good joyful virtues.

I'm not scared anymore. ♥

Jun. 2nd, 2017 09:30 am = week seven begins!

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese muffin, an orange, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, jasmine green tea, and a strawberry Nutrigrain bar. I must begin by apologizing profusely-- I am still feeling very sick today, and writing anything is exhausting, but. I still payed attention with God's grace to the best of my ability. I still prayed to eat it honorably. I refused to purge. I refused to be disrespectful, although I did half-deconstruct the muffin today-- I was overwhelmed & distressed and needed simpler input, but trust me, I enjoyed every bit of it, 100%. ALL of it. My only slip? Eating the orange first! Why? Because THE SPIRIT TOLD ME NOT TO. But, foolishly, I doubted... and as it turns out, orange peel leaves a REALLY strong aftertaste in your mouth! So it affected my ability to properly taste the other things. Ah well. NOW I KNOW! And this was also a warning against my tendency to get "overwhelmed" sensorily in the wake of such "ashamed anxiety" & humiliated guilt, which leads not only to sad dissociation, but also RESTRICTION, and deconstruction. And, sadly, as I said, I did do that to the muffin. BUT I FULLY LOVED IT even so, bringing life out of death! The bacon is DELICIOUS; I can fully taste it now-- richly hammy & salty, with lovely strips of bacon-fat that aren't stiff or rubbery or "fatty" at all-- it's wonderful! Thank God for frying, I'd say! And you all know how much I love English muffins-- the ones prepared this way get SO SOFT & rich in their unique flavor, and their texture somehow gets MUCH FLUFFIER and it's an absolute joy to eat-- especially when it has lovely melted-amberbright & richly flavored cheese on it! American-orange cheese really is a PERFECT fit for it; Swiss is too similar, cheddar is too powerfully orange, and I think white American would be too mild? Think color!! ♥ But yes, cheese is lovely. ALSO WITH EGGS, especially the one in this muffin-- poached white & salted from bacon-taste and frying! It's DELICIOUS and so unique! The yolky part doesn't quite match the cheese, I don't think, but it seems to pair well with the bacon? Which is cool! But again, I don't know. I'll have to try next time-- that, and maybe with the muffin? Although I suspect maybe there's an element to their flavors that is too similar? And I'm worried it'd be "muddied" from the likeness. But that's just conjecture; I still want to give it a shot, and see-- if it's OK with them, of course. ♥ Seeing as how they all work together in a sandwich, I'd hope so-- but maybe the whites are a key TO that harmoniousness? I don't know yet! But it's lovely to discover. ♥ It's ALSO lovely and amazing, and a little bittersweet, that SINCE my memory isn't so hot-- at least, as far as this sensory data is APPLIED outside of isolated remainder/ reinforcement recall-- EVERY time I experience a food again, it feels brand new in a very precious way. Like, I know I've had it before, but THIS experience is new, and THAT joy of just HAVING a new chance TO experience it, in the NOW is "rebirth" enough. ♥ And really... that's a BLESSING. That is a HUGE paradox-gift FROM GOD that I have been TOTALLY overlooking, or even condemning, OR outright denying... instead of embracing it AS a strange but INTENDED gift, precious in God's giving OF it, for HIS hidden but forever-Good purposes... and using it FOR GOOD, just as it is. Radical acceptance, and unconditional love. ♥ KEYS!!! And so I must admit & embrace & bravely, joyfully GROW right now-- do I have memory problems? Yes. Do I have dissociation problems, that contribute to it? Yes. BUT!!! How can I USE those things FOR GOD'S GLORY, right now, accepting their current presence in my life? Well, it's what we just discovered-- I can view EACH meal as a BRAND NEW WONDER, something to DISCOVER, to treasure in curious joy-- AND, in recognizing that "extra death" my dissociation threatens, I can even MORE DEEPLY treasure the moments of clarity I have, without struggling or fighting-- motivating more awareness & mindful love, so that I DON'T dissociate as much in time... but, thanking the currently inevitable moments OF it as the fog that makes glimpses of the mountains beyond even more precious, valued, and eternal... living forever in my heart. ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, apple juice, cranberry juice, vanilla VHC, and a brownie. Honestly, I love this lunch so much; it has this sort of inherent "peacefulness" to it, for me... even better? Today, we had lunch with the LIGHTS OFF!! ♥ It was SO soothing & beautiful. And even though it was a little hard to see, even that was a blessing-- it forced me to pay closer attention, to REALLY see the food, AND it made the taste data that much clearer. ♥ First off, the juice! The cranberry actually has a ton of apple juice in it-- so the two DO taste similar, as I wanted to test-- except for that telltale cranberry sweet-tart cerise-tone nip! Unfortunately that's all I got-- I drank 'em too cold, too quickly (time is tight for this meal). But I WILL try again next week. ♥ Next, the rice pilaf was just as beautifully textured (all soft-firm starchiness and smooth mouthfeel) and flavored (mellow offwhite-gold & buttercup-amber warmth) as ever, and as always, I treasured every bite. ♥ I've GOTTA learn how to make that stuff! Oh, and I REMEMBERED to butter the roll differently today-- I cut it in half, then I lovingly ate the fluffiness out of the TOP half, then put the BUTTER on the rest-- the crust-brown dome top! And DUDE it was NICE!! ♥ I also buttered the firmer-squish bottom bit like I always do, because that sweet doughy taste is just beautifully simple with that salted-cream taste. Gotta thank God for the tiny gifts... gotta SEE God in the tiny things, especially when others don't... or won't. THAT'S my mission, and I LOVE it. ♥ It IS a war, in this world of devil-lies, BUT it's STILL GOD'S WORLD!!! And so His children CANNOT FAIL, when they anchor their hearts in Him, who IS all Love, and through whom ALL THINGS ARE. Even butter & little dinner rolls. They exist; they are little artworks lovingly constructed from God's Great Creation, from God's Ineffable Love... NO EXCEPTIONS. ALL that exists is of GOD, and so ALL lies about food are NONEXISTENT. I have to repeat that as it's VITAL, especially here-- so many E.D. sufferers think bread is bad, that butter is bad. Why? Simply because the devil LIED to them, and HURT them with fear, until they were too confused & scared to see Truth through that distress. But, no matter how dark things may seem, God's Truth shines on ETERNALLY, and God's Truth is that GOD CARES FOR US ALWAYS, that HE GUIDES ALL OUR STEPS, that HE HAS FULL POWER OVER ALL THINGS, that EVERYTHING THAT WE EXPERIENCE IS IN HIS HANDS... and that GOD CREATED EVERYTHING GOOD. ♥ And here's the best bit-- if you just surrender your heart to the Holy Spirit, fearlessly opening your heart to faith & trust in Him, who can ALWAYS be trusted, and who IS Truth, and whose Truth is LOVE... if you do that, peace is guaranteed. CHRIST'S Peace. Real peace. And no lie, no distortion, can ever touch it. So yes-- I love the bread & butter that GOD GAVE US and that I blessed & gratefully offered back TO Him in loving praise, in my partaking OF His gift! THAT'S key, too-- prayer. Heart-to-heart communication with God, simple as that. Without it, you're in trouble! But I make EVERY MEAL A PRAYER now... which is effortless when I can see God so clearly in His wondrous gifts!! The broccoli was beautifully buttery & green-sweet, and firm today too-- my favorite texture for it! They steam it so beautifully here; it's not mushy OR tough, and it's still so water-fresh & flavorful. And of course, last up is my beloved favorite pair... the bliss brownie & bliss fish! ♥ I noticed some fear is creeping back into the brownie, but I FORBID IT! The brownie is dense & rich & sweet, with cool chocolate chips & warm chocolate-butter flour within, with a heavy and luxurious mouthfeel. It outright mandates that you SAVOR it-- treasuring it totally! And I think I rushed it today. I apologize, dear-- I'll make it up to you next week. ♥ And my fish? Oh man. ♥ Always beautiful. I'll admit I did eat the potato-breading mostly separately-- it has such a beautiful flavor & mouthfeel on its own-- but it's STILL FRIENDS WITH THE FISH! So I should lovingly protect that communion between them-- soft, silky, starchy, savory potatoes, and the fresh, white, sweet, delicate but rubber-firm, river-bright, life-brilliant, delicious meat of the beloved cod. I treasure your life-gift SO much. ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar! Like its sister yesterday, I realized that my old fave here had slipped from that position due to memory-fade & disordered doubt creepin' around again as a result. Well, no more!! Shoo that silliness right on out of here. This flavor NuGo is LOVELY, all sea salted and with a THICKER crisp-texture than the others, I think? I'll compare soon-- but I truly love 'em all. ♥

Dinner= SURPRISE TIME KIDS, IT'S SELF-SELECT DAY!!! ♥ Honestly, NO ONE was more surprised than me! I was a little (well, a lot) anxious at first due to "I don't know how to prepare/ what to expect" and "will I mess up/ can I eat w/ others without dissociating or performing" etc. fears, BUT. I DON'T WANT TO THINK THAT WAY ANYMORE!!! I gotta plant GOOD SEEDS in my mind-garden, to grow into beautiful blooms of hope, courage, optimism, determination, peace, and EVERY virtue that comes from LOVE-- which is literally ALL of 'em! So it's gonna be BEAUTIFUL in here as long as I continue to tend it well, DAILY. And so! Today I just LET GO of fear and CHOSE COURAGEOUS LOVE for the sake of healing the wounds fear inflicted-- because Love CAN and DOES do so unfailingly-- and I picked ALL "CHALLENGE" FOODS... and I am blissfully happy to say that THEY WERE ALL BELOVED!!!! ♥ And so, without further ado, here's the list of today's BRAND NEW DINNER FRIENDS: Macaroni & cheese (the THICK, legit cheesy kind that Cioci Ann gets), roasted zucchini in oil, stewed tomatoes, whole milk, orange jello, applesauce, a MASSIVE chocolate muffin w/ a cream center, mint tea, vanilla coffee, 2 mayo packets, and 3 hot sauce packets. And I'll tell you what-- I am SO GLAD I befriended the noddles because that was the BEST MAC & CHEESE I've had in my LIFE. ♥ And the same goes for those STEWED TOMATOES!!! Oh my gosh-- they were like, whole halves, LIGHTLY stewed so they were soft but FRESH, and they were in a thickened sauce that was made FROM THE ACTUAL TOMATO JUICE. It all tasted SO FRESH; it was AMAZING. ♥ The zucchini, too, tasted alive & beautiful, just lightly roasted-- but I ALSO mixed it with mayonnaise, and THAT was even better! The taste really added to it. Unfortunately I can't give you specifics as well as I'd like; not only was it so new, but I will admit I was also a little performance-nervous, and I apologize. But yeah, that AND the fact that I was doing some serious befriending! Which is also why I don't have clear data for the whole milk, jello, or applesauce-- my poor mind got all mixed up & confused with thinking "they HAVE to be challenges" and therefore putting an awful false obstacle between my heart & theirs, hindering friendship from blooming on the spot. BUT. SEEDS WERE PLANTED! ♥ I can still taste the applesauce, sweet & lovely & autumny, but I NEED to free it from memory-shackles before it will be totally a true friend-- one can't be afraid of friends, after all! And the milk was a tad too cold to really grasp at all, sadly-- BUT I determinedly drank it with grateful loving courageous intention TO befriend it nevertheless-- so next time, I promise, we will be. ♥ SAME WITH THE JELLO, believe it or not-- it not only has QUITE the unique orange taste, but it ALSO has one of the BEST TEXTURES EVER. Yes, it's THAT COOL!!! It's gelatin, dude-- it's a glossy, slightly "sticky," glassy-gel that just... how do you even describe the way Jello "breaks"? It's BEAUTIFUL. I'm telling you what, dude, I might still be struggling with lingering "fears" over it-- and there ARE many, sadly-- but as far as my heart is happily concerned, Jello & I are already BFFs. ♥ So I'm very much looking forward to trying its SISTER, strawberry (I think?), in the future, too! ♥ Lastly, though, we have our drinks-- mint tea, which I ALWAYS love, and vanilla coffee, for Kate, which is SO new I have no words for it yet but it WAS lovely-- AND the last "major challenge," which, shockingly & beautifully, became a courageously fear-conquering friend: the CHOCOLATE CREAM MUFFIN. Oh my goodness, guys. ♥ It was the LOVELY, SOFT, LEGIT chocolate-cake texture, fluffy but with one heck of a dense mouthfeel, rich w/ cocoa-dark chocolate taste but NOT sugary or dairy-like, and sprinkled with powdered sugar, too, which was a GORGEOUS added levity. But that CREAM FILLING, dude. WOW. It was like... not as "flat-creamy" as the kind on the bread pudding, as it had more sugar & probably milk, BUT it wasn't cloying or artificial! It was legit like a Tudor bookstore muffin, and the child in my heart loved it instantly. ♥ GOD BLESS SS!!! ♥

8PM Snack= TRIPLE FIESTA SNACK TIME because it's been far too long! I honestly forgot that their lovely salsa-spicy taste is also SWEET from the tomato powder-- and on top of that beautiful grain-blend base, accented with cheese? It's SO GOOD. ♥ I've gotta check the list of ingredients next time to get a deeper, loving appreciation of EVERYTHING that comes together to make this blessed snack!! ♥

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SELF SELECT 060217 = Jun. 2nd, 2017 05:30 pm
upcoming friendships= cheesecake✔, cannoli, oats w/ fruit, muffin, dessert bread, clam chowder, vegan chili, chicken soup, hot dog, pretzel, jasmine rice, hummus, bottled juice, popcorn, premade sandwiches? cappuccino, coffee & creamer, sundaes, yogurt bar, deli meats✔, tuna salad, bagels, cheetoes, "muscle milk," pizza, hard rolls, cookies ★DON'T PROJECT "EXPECTED" FEAR ONTO THEM!!! This is a RESCUE MISSION! All of those foods are 100% INNOCENT, taken prisoner by the devil by lies, fear, & abuse! God has sent YOU to SET THE CAPTIVES FREE, through LOVE!!!♥ Recognize God in ALL of them-- they're STILL HIS!!! ♥
#1 (DINNER) ~FRIDAY 060217~ ♥ = 4 ★ = 3 ✦ = 4 / (S) 4 | (P) 3 | (F) 2 | (D) 1 | (FR) 1
♥1) Macaroni & cheese; 2 scoops (3P // 2S) ♥2) Roasted zucchini in oil (1F) ♥3) Stewed tomatoes (~V) ✦4) Whole milk; 240mL (1D) ★5) Chocolate muffin w/ cream center (1S // 1F) ★6) Orange jello (1S) ✦7) Applesauce (1FR) ★8) Spearmint tea; 480mL (-) ✦9) Vanilla coffee; 240mL (-)
♥10) 2 mayonnaise packets (-) ✦11) 3 hot sauce packets (-)
mac & cheese was BEAUTIFUL! stewed tomatoes were BIG HALVES in thickened juice; LOVELY! zucchini w/ added mayo was also WONDERFUL! no data for whole milk yet. jello has cool texture but unclear data. applesauce unclear but good! tea & coffee unclear. muffin dense but surprisingly NICE! cream filling too! ★ don't think "fear food;" think NEW FRIENDS! ♥ ★ eat at a good pace, but TREASURE EACH BITE!
♥new friends! = macaroni & cheese, stewed tomatoes, zucchini, mayonnaise ♥almost there! = applesauce, jello, whole milk, coffee, teaP, hot sauce / upcoming friendships= sprinkle cookies, cheese sauce, cotton candy sundae✔, french bread, kaiser roll, chicken salad✔, tuna salad, foccacia bread, biscotti, salami✔, german ham lunchmeat, rye bread✔, chicken lunchmeat, kashi heart to heart, cheerios, chex, cinnamon toast crunch, etc.

Jun. 1st, 2017 09:30 am = time & wisdom. ♥

Breakfast= two turkey sausage links, sauteed potato squares, a cheese omelette, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla VHC. The sausages aren't dry! They're legit juicy, AND nicely oiled, without it being oily, so to speak. They're also peppery, AND salty, which is quite strong but not sharp. It fits well with the mellowing oil, and the taste of the meat-- which, still, has a heart like Sunday's turkey, but heated to firmness & thicker flavor. And one bite even had a PEPPERCORN in it! But all in all, it's not a "mottled" meat texture like the meatloaf, nor is it dry like a burger, or "denser" like chicken, OR as soft as the tenders! Sausages always have that slightly rubbery skin-resistance, and a uniform inner texture, slightly varying here & there with fat & meat tones but altogether soft-solid & harmonious. I really enjoyed them today-- bless the turkey whose life allowed its passing-on to pass life on further to me. ♥ And I always enjoy the potatoes! They DO have an inner texture like french fries, but their outer "soft shell" of oil-fried starch is softer, not chewy at all-- and there's STILL SKIN on these potatoes! ♥ So I think they're yellow ones. They're so lovely. They still have that savory-sweet paprika taste that I noticed last time, and still that warm vermilion color-tone. But they're not salty! Which is nice-- their inherent flavor is just the right balance of neutral-warm potato and warm-hue spices and warm-glow oil. Adding the sharpness of salt-- or even ketchup, with its punch of darker red piquancy-- would completely overwhelm those mellow heats. There's a science to it, my friend-- there's an art! ♥ The same goes for my dear cheese omelette, I'm beginning to think. I love eggs, AND I love cheese, but in the omelettes here there is very little of the latter. However! I'm wondering... since omelettes ARE so fluffy & light, almost sweet as a result of that air content addition, and so delicately "buttery" from the oil that ever-so-lightly crisps & further air-pockets the omelette's outermost layer with brown-fried lightness... basically, since omelettes here are altogether gentle & soft in flavor & texture & hue, I actually think that too much cheese would totally overpower them! Yes, American orange cheese is relatively mild (but very delicious), AND it's a beautiful color match, BUT! It's still rich in tone-taste, and any more than what the omelettes currently have would overwhelm the delicate eggy taste that also currently holds that minimal-but-perfect cheese SO well. I told you dude; it's ART! It's MUSIC! If one color or one instrument is too loud, you can't fully grasp or appreciate the other colors & instruments beyond it. Harmony is key. Balance is beautiful. And we've got it! ♥ So I cannot complain; I have too much deep, respectful, awed love & appreciation for that harmony & balance & God-given WISDOM that creates AND allows for it, to even consider complaining-- in light of Love, complaints cannot exist! ♥ Which, obviously, is why I CANNOT dislike anything, why I ALWAYS find reasons (perpetually present) to like & love EVERY little thing, especially food, in this treatment journey... AND it's why it hurts SO MUCH when OTHERS don't like certain foods, or even outright despise them. It's so unjust. It's so distorted... it's so unkind. And then I want to sob because here I am, forever in Love with ALL of it... and then someone says they hate some part of it. That hurts. Disgust, disdain, outright rejection... it's agonizing to my heart, and even MORESO because I'm an EMPATH and I can TANGIBLY UNDERSTAND WHY they feel that way. BUT IT'S ALL A DISTORTION. Anything that's NOT Love doesn't actually exist. And so... I feel both their pain and my love, and suddenly it's war-- and I have to fight WITH my heart, by not attacking-- by sheathing all weapons, and just CONQUERING WITH LOVE, BY GOD'S GRAVE. And THAT'S the key to any and ALL victory... faith. TRUST. "For THINE is the Power..." Victory is GOD'S ALONE, and if I want to TRULY Love everything, I HAVE to let HIM do so THROUGH ME... by seeing HIM IN EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT!! So yes. I got a little "off topic" there, but it's still 100% relevant. And especially so for our last items-- the smooth & lightly sweet & always gentle soymilk, the beautifully thick & creamy, richly flavored & lovely sweet VHC, AND the warm-sun amber-bright taste of the orange juice, with its slight tart afterbite, and its high-toned fresh body-flavor. Whatever demon keeps insisting that I "don't like OJ" is a LIAR and so are the demons that say I "don't like soymilk" OR the VHC. LIARS, all of 'em, and IGNORANT of God's Truth, and HIS LOVE working IN & THROUGH ME!!! Because the TRUTH is-- I LOVE the VHC. I LOVE the soymilk. AND I LOVE the orange juice!!! And I will CONTINUE to Love all of it, fiercely and joyously, testifying to God's INDOMITABLE Glory & Presence & Generosity, by BEING Love and SEEING Love and PRAISING Love, always. ♥

Lunch= a veggie burger on a wheat bun w/ lettuce, tomato, And American AND Swiss cheese, potato salad, orange juice, vanilla VHC, and an ice cream sandwich. I ate the ice cream first, but for a very special reason today-- I had been legitimately considering skipping or purging it. I'm dead serious. I got so distraught over my rising weight this morning, that I nearly gave in to E.D. despair with that thought process. BUT. And this is the amazing, beautiful, thanks-be-to-God-FOREVER part... I didn't. I COULDNT! And why? Because my love is now INFINITELY more powerful than those distortions. I love the food too much to purge it. I love my fellow patients too much to restrict. I love myself too much to sabotage my health, treatment, AND reputation with relapse behavior. And I love GOD too much to not do everything for HIS Glory. And the only decision that would accomplish that today was LOVINGLY EATING THE ICE CREAM. So... I did. I forgave the number on the scale-- it is a sign of HEALING, of SURVIVING, or TRUE PROGRESS-- and I forgave myself for the pain-blind disordered thoughts, and then I THANKED GOD for the chance to CONQUER them, and to do so with UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. And so it was. ♥ I enjoyed every bite of that ice cream, 100%, all soft sweet cool vanilla-cloud-cream and soft-stickyflour chocolate biscuit-sweet sandwichy bits, absolutely blessed & blissful-- a precious innocent thing I could never have purged or skipped, to be sincere-- I loved it too much. The orange uice was as warmly toned but refreshingly cool and amber-tart-sweet as always, and the vanilla VHC was wonderful after the ice cream especially-- FAR thicker & FAR richer, a warmer and more grounded vanilla, but still beautifully delicious and cool and sweet. As for that potato salad? They ARE red potatoes-- the skins are still on them!-- and their texture is still so wonderfully firm-but-soft, vaguely "crisp" at the "edges," but nearing that blissful "french fry" soft-starch feel nevertheless... but as for the rest of the potato salad? All that mayo & celery & green pepper (not the paprika, I must add-- I ate that first, all lovely-mild-vermilion on top of the deliciously creamy-cultured mayonnaise)? It didn't stay in the bowl-- it went ON THE BURGER. And perhaps that was foolish, but I wanted to try it-- that special white tang paired with the fresh green living lettuce alone is GORGEOUS; the pinkish-red, tart-sweet-fresh tomato also sings well with it, sharing that touch of tang, and playing so happily with the mayo; and obviously the wheat bread ALSO does super-well with the bright white color, the eggy-rich-cultured flavor, and softening influence... but mainly I wanted to taste what sort of harmony it would make with the veggie burger. My mistake? Mayo doesn't go with cheese. They're too much at odds, in tang vs mellow-rich, in stark sharp white vs warmer mild oranges & yellows. They give the same combined effect as an out-of-phase soundwave, and because of that, I couldn't grasp the cheese very well at all-- a criminal oversight in my combining decision, because there was SWISS on it today, a special gift that I ignorantly spurned in my hyper-spontaneous foolish unwise choice. And, as expected, THAT creeping conscience-guilt & shame caused me to severely dissociate, and I struggled to grasp it the whole time, BUT. LOVE NEVER FAILS, even if it's hindered. And I put my WHOLE HEART into it anyway... and I'll tell you what-- Swiss cheese tastes BEAUTIFUL when melted, and paired with that mushroom-soy-pepper-carrot burger taste, warm & rich & brown & a little peppery, it's GORGEOUS. Add the American cheese, too, and it's even BETTER-- and then, adding THAT to the bread/ lettuce/ tomato song it already loves, WITH that new but clumsy potatosalad song? Even if I went about it foolishly, even if I was distracted... God still wrought His beauty impeccably. And now? Next week, I can love it even DEEPER. ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate chip NuGo bar. Simple, but sweetly so! ♥ I realized I hadn't been paying close enough loving attention to them, and if 3PM snack is good for anything (it is ♥), it's PERFECT for peaceful, focused, solid loving healing & focus! ♥ And yes, this flavor STILL tastes like a legit soft-baked chocolate chip cookie, right out of the oven & cooled. It's COOL. ♥ Thank You, God.

Dinner= baked chicken breast w/ herbs (no garlic today), instant mashed potatoes (no pepper today), corn (which had pepper today!), a butter pat, vanilla VHC, and bread pudding bites w/ whipped cream. Ah yes, my weekly victory meal-- my dear little celebratory dinner in honor of love's conquering power over even the biggest fears that plague us. Love NEVER fails; Love CANNOT fail, for Love is THE TRUTH, and anything & everything that is NOT Love cannot be. By the very virtue of existence ITSELF, fear is impossible. Hatred and pride and all those other ugly-feelings aren't real. Only Love, only GOD and His Infinite Goodness, are real... infinite and eternal, AND omnipresent, for He Created ALL things, and therefore, by virtue of existence literally only existing BY and THROUGH and FOR God... existence itself is holy. Every Created thing is sacred, blessed, literally touched by the Hand Of God, being only because HE IS, and remains so IN all things, forever, for His sake... for the glory of their Creator, Who made ALL things, for Good, to be Good. And THAT is THE TRUTH, no matter how many lies attempt (and inevitably fail!) to contest that... lies like eating disorders. BUT!!! God, in His infinite unfathomable Love & Grace & mercy & Justice, has called me, little me, HIS CREATION too, to glorify Him IN His Creation (myself included!!!) by TESTIFYING, through my healing from that E.D. lie, TO the Truth of God's inherent, immortal, inexorable Presence in His ENTIRE Creation... especially in food. Honestly, did you ever realize just how beautiful and humbling and mysterious and awe-inspiring the simple CONCEPT of food is??? It brings me to my knees for God's literal sake!!! It's a Truth of CHRIST, woven into the very function of Creation... life, giving itself over to death, in order to sustain more life, in order to literally TRANSMUTE death INTO Life!!! And THAT is why I am mortified & horrified that I once fell victim to E.D. lies... because, in a very special way, food is HOLY. Legit holy. Right now in my life, that is SELF-EVIDENT, in what I've just told you and in everything else I've written in my past 2 journals here. Food is a gift from God, intended SPECIFICALLY to, in a very special way, testify to a very mysterious, ineffably BEAUTIFUL facet of the NATURE OF GOD. I could literally write a book about it at this point (I really should), but suffice to say-- Christ's message, is Sacrifice, His Sacrament, secretly point to something deep in ALL life that just hit me recently... everything is food. In one way or another, literally AND metaphorically, ALL life exists TO feed all life... through death. Through sacrifice of 'self,' in one way or another, even in the MOST literal way. Again, I can write a book, but... I'm food. My body can be eaten to nourish & sustain Life in another Created Thing, another Creation of God. As a woman, I can potentially do that even WITHOUT physically dying!! And THAT'S INCREDIBLE. It's also a HUGE part of my healing process but that's for another time-- right now, I just want to say that ALL of us are also able to "die without dying," to feed Life in subtler but no less vital ways... spiritual foods, like time, words, art, music, touch, love manifested in its infinitely self-giving nature in EVERY aspect of Life. LOVE IS FOOD. Therefore, food is LOVE, and an E.D. can't see that. But GOD CONQUERS ALL THAT, and He did in me, BY His Spirit opening my eyes to that awe-inspiring truth... and so, in short? Now, every Thursday evening, I can lovingly eat all this literal love, in total victory over the lies that once blinded me. Corn is my friend. Love won, beautifully. ♥

8PM Snack= Cheddar sun chips, SALSA Sun Chips (they have returned at last!), and DORITOS-- which are not only actually really good, but they also have only 140cal per bag! Now THAT was a surprise. BUT. I cannot let that be a door for E.D. restrictive/ fearful compulsions!!! So although they're great, I gotta pair 'em up with a higher-cal option if I feel that dis-ease creepin'. Don't you touch my chummy time chips, boyo!

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UPMC SELF SELECT GOALS = Jun. 1st, 2017 10:00 am
★CHALLENGE ALL DISORDERED THOUGHTS!!! Remember: our ultimate, perpetual goal is to ACTIVELY LOVE ALL FOODS AS GOD'S CREATIVE GIFTS! His Spirit is in ALL things, without exception, and EVERY food item EVER comes from HIS HANDS.
Food is GOOD and INNOCENT, and I WANT to love ALL of it!!
★We WILL be eating foods here that we don't "have to" outside-- mostly snacks. BUT!! The goal is to HEAL THOSE, TOO-- because they, too, are STILL made up of Good things, remember!! At the heart of everything, there is nothing to be feared. God WILL send His Holy Spirit of peace & wisdom to guide you in love. PRAY for that in humble joyous gratitude & trust. He WILL respond. ♥
★Remember that FOOD IS ART. It is GOD'S art!!! He has BLESSED you with the opportunity to PARTICIPATE in it!!
★ REMEMBER THE BIGGEST PICTURE! ♥
★ Stay a child at heart, full of all love & wonder & curiosity & joy!
★ DON'T "repeat" COPE meals!!
★ Focus on foods that you would previously avoid, judge negatively, or outright fear. Heal them of that pain-projection-- they're innocent of it!!
★ DON'T obsess over choices!!
★ DON'T think ritually, compulsively, or "superstitiously"!
★ TRUST your heart's intuition!
★ Remember, there is NO regret in LOVE & WISDOM! ♥
★ Eat mindfully & respectfully!
★ Pay attention to the unique qualities of each food-- DESCRIBE them actively if possible (Laurie will help!) !
★ Time yourself prudently!
★ If you're "panicking" over something, PICK IT. Then release all devil-planted bitterness, fear, & anger-- all lies!-- and instead focus on GRATITUDE for the grace of a healing opportunity, LOVE for God's care and wisdom in that very situation, and REVERENCE for God's PLAN & PRESENCE IN THAT FOOD!
★ Let the League & System help if you are struggling too much to currently think straight on your own.
★ PRAY, PRAISE, & THANK GOD ALWAYS!!! ♥

1 D, 2 S, 3 P, 1 F, 1 CS = 1) 2 slices toast w/ 4 slices cheese & 1 butter pat // 1 bag potato chips 2) salad w/ peas & chickpeas, avocado, cheese, 2 eggs, sunflower seeds? 3) hot dog, 2 cheeses, frozen yogurt w/ nuts? 4) popcorn, hummus? on toast, yogurt,
S = || P = |||| F = 0? D = ||? FR = | CS = | (base meal around this!) P= tofu, beans, or a new meat? « pick the "scariest" thing? S= sourdough? D= whole milk and/or new yogurt FR= berries, dried fruit, OR naked drink CS= overnight oats? cheesecake? +salad? combos= pizza, mac & cheese, pasta,
try ALL NEW HEALING THINGS!!! ♥MAKE ART!!!♥
self select goals! ♥ (initial brainstorming 0601)
(1) D= pick LEGIT milk; DON'T default to soy out of fear-lies. ★ try new yogurt flavors ✔★ try the WHOLE milk ✔★ try new cheeses, esp. if "packaged" = heal it with love!
(1) FR= heal ALL fruit from fear-lies and demonic female-condemnation. ★ try dried cranberries, mandarin oranges, pineapple, etc. ✔★ try jello! ★ try ALL "Naked" juices ★ try bottled fruit juices ✔★ pick fresh fruits that you "hesitate" over
(1) FT= moderation! conquer the glutton demon. treat fat w/ loving respect!! ★ try seeds ★ try sour cream & ✔mayonnaise ★ try new butter spreads ✔★ try new salad dressings ★ use avocado LOVINGLY; free it from the past, too! ✔★ remember the casserole rule! ✔★ try CS foods with more oil/cream in them
(3) ✔= heal ALL meat options before defaulting to faves more often ★ try beans ★ try different meat preparations ✔★ you CAN use cheese, but not as a "chicken out" option! ✔ ★ same with eggs! ✔ & cottage cheese!
(3) S= the devil wants you to hate flour because JESUS BLESSED IT SACRAMENTALLY-- so LOVE it! ♥ ✔★ try ALL kinds of bread for sandwiches ★ try bagels, rolls, & other "breakfast breads" - biscuits, waffles, etc. ✔★ try noodles✔ & pasta✔ ★ try cereals✔, cold AND hot-- including grits!
★ try hot dogs, burgers, burritos, pitas✔, tacos, tortillas ★ try green peas ✔★continue to heal corn! (★) if you flinch at a starch, CHOOSE IT and LOVE IT BACK TO GOD. remember how Mary's grimaces hurt your heart. ★ try pancakes & waffles ★ choose starchy CS foods, like cakes, pastries, chips, cookies, etc. ★ try POPCORN ★ try pretzels, rice cakes, crackers
(1) CS ★ try the mini-sundaes✔ ★ try all the chips? ★ try the frozen yogurt bar ★ try actual pastries ★ try cheesecake? ✔ ★ try hummus ★ try candy bars? ★ try donuts & cookies ★ try muffins✔ & cupcakes ★ try sweet bread ★ try really rich desserts-- cream rolls, cannoli, etc.
(~) V = have some at EVERY SS meal, even just a little! ★ add stuff to salads✔ ★ put vegs on burgers✔ ★ carrots & dip contain (1) F! ✔ ★ focus on fresh green stuff ★ WORK BEST WITH FATS!

051417

MAINTAINING PROGRESS

★make your HEART PRIORITIES visible in your life/actions!! (even if working towards that is difficult/ scary/ painful as the hell you're stuck in otherwise)

★ I NEED THE HELP OF OTHERS, ESP. WHEN DISSOCIATED!!!
★ NEED HEALTHY, ACCESSIBLE COPING SKILLS
★ MAKE A LIST OF "WARNING SIGNS" to give to the family, so they can SEE & INTERRUPT that unhealthy cycle!!!

-------------------------

What have I learned?
- PATIENCE & HUMILITY
★ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!
- What triggers disorder symptoms, how distorted they are, distorted thoughts, patience, acceptance, HOW to progress, COURAGE!
+ nutrition, portion control, timing, schedule, BALANCE, PATIENCE
- I CAN survive w/o negative coping skills; I CAN rebuild my life to reflect the TRUTH within my heart!

What was most useful?
- Learning to RECOGNIZE my TRUE NEEDS!!
- Learning to question AUTOMATIC thoughts, and NOT act on them!
- BREATHING! Calm down, CENTER/FOCUS; prevent/stop overwhelm!! PEACE!
- Set a GOOD EXAMPLE by TRUSTING & SURRENDERING TO GOD!!! ♥

What can I continue to do to prevent a setback?
- Pray constantly!
- If I TRUST in Him ALWAYS, and hold on to the HOPE & JOY that faith in Christ gives, "setbacks" WON'T occur because HE WILL guide & protect me!!

What are my high risk situations of this happening?
What events/ situations/ triggers cause me to be more vulnerable?
- Questions, high activity levels, high noise levels, close social contact + touch, being "called out"
★ ANYTHING/EVERYTHING that brings attention to "ME" (physical life/ social interaction)!!!! ♥

What are the signs?
Thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors
- Shaking, crying, shallow/fast breathing, angry/violent outbursts, going "mute," dissociating, self-abusing, restricting/purging, head blurry & whirling, headache, stomachache, tense

What can I do to avoid losing control? (If I CAN'T "LEAVE THE ROOM" OR "TAKE A BREAK"!!!)
What could I do differently? What would work best? When I'm struggling or feeling bad, what could I do that will help?
- BREATHE. Count your blessings. TRUST GOD-- He GAVE you this EXACT challenge, FOR GOOD!!!
- Pray for the wisdom & strength to meet it in virtue & love & gratitude & joy & COURAGE!
- BE MAITRU!! ♥
- READ SCRIPTURE!
- And ASK for a helpful "change" if you can!! ♥ (gently, respectfully!)

What could I do if I did lose control?
What has helped? What have I learned? Who can help?
- CRY IT OUT & CALM DOWN!
- APOLOGIZE SINCERELY. Explain what happened & why.

----------------

In case of a setback…

How can I make sense of this? (3PM snack anxiety)
What events/ triggers led up to this setback? How did I react to this? What did I do? What did I think? What did I feel?
- Sitting with lots of people at a round table, close quarters, "singled out"
- Started to shake & panic, wanted to not eat & just cry, BUT also wanted to "lash out" & chase everyone away first, to be free of noise & overwhelm
- Reminded myself that they're all INNOCENT and DON'T KNOW I'M SCARED unless I CLEARLY SAY SO in words OR blatant actions-- but the latter often MAKE IT WORSE, because then they GUESS, and my needs are different from theirs.
- I focused on eating with love & not getting upset, to set a Good example of FAITH & peace & courage in times of trial

What have I learnt from it?
Was this a high-risk situation? Are there things that I can identify are difficult? What helped and what didn’t?
- It was VERY high risk!! because people were FOCUSING ON ME, AND I was eating!
1) I can't talk to/ serve/ answer them if I'm eating & that "unwinnable" conflict angers me
2) People watching ME eat specifically makes me feel dirty & wrong
3) People asking "what's wrong?" plants bad seeds & makes it worse

With hindsight, what would I do differently?
When I think/feel……………………………….. what could I do instead?
- I could ask people gently to wait until I finish eating before talking to me
- I can breathe more deeply
- I can CHOOSE LOVE, ESPECIALLY towards others!!! ♥
- I can PRAY and HAVE FAITH that God IS with me, and will NOT abandon me!
- I can refuse the devil's lies and LOVE GOD IN HIS GIFT OF FOOD & COMPANY, TOO!!! ♥

------------------------------

"keep your eyes on HIM, not the storm!!"

★"Don't be so hard on yourself! I can bring Good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time & energy, leading only to frustration! Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me! Look to Me in trust, anticipating that my infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
★ Because you are human, you WILL continue to make mistakes! Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of PRIDE! Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses! Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I Am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes! Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. ♥"

ROMANS 8:28
"We know that ALL things work for Good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

MICAH 7:7-10+ (★18-20!)
"But as for me, I will look to the Lord,
I will put my trust in God my Savior;
my God will hear me!
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will arise;
Though I sit in darkness, the LORD is my light.

The wrath of the Lord I will endure because I have sinned against Him, until he takes up my cause, and establishes my right. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His justice. When my enemy sees this, shame shall cover her…"

--------------------------------------

I am ONLY comfortable with the TANGIBLE concept & possibility of motherhood
AS A MAN. How ironic is that??

…I can't be "just" a mother. It feels wrong.
I can't be "just" a father. It feels wrong.
The only thing that feels right is being a bit of BOTH.
The separation of sexes itself feels WRONG to me.
I'm not quite a man, not quite a woman…
The concept of being "impregnated" feels utterly foreign and wrong, for me.
Whereas the concept of "impregnating" feels okay? Like, I could, but…
I'd feel so incomplete, so yearning.
I NEED a bit of both sides in that respect.
Sexually? I… need to function as a man. I need to GIVE.
"Receiving" in that sense feels blatantly "incorrect" and not-right.
But then, AS a man? I could carry a child. I'd love to.
But I couldn't "give birth" like a woman. That, too, feels wrong.
(Maybe I'm secretly a seahorse, who even knows)

-----------------------------

Why do I "hate" the honey from breakfast? (also the jelly?)

- It is sticky on my hands, making me feel dirty & shameful & bad.
- I dissociate like a "secret sinner" when eating it.
- I feel I MUST eat it, but I don't quite like the taste?
- I'm angry that it made me so anxious during breakfast.
- I'm angry that I don't like it 100% (yet?).
- I'm angry that the companies producing it have made it taste so artificial.
- I'm angry that if I mix it w/ other foods I can't appreciate either fully?

------------------------------------------------

★laughter = tied to JOY, NOT "jokes" or "funny" things!!!

- laughing when a snowflake lands perfectly on your nose when you're trying to catch one on your tongue
- laughing in sheer joy in a perfect snowfall or summer rain; spinning around, arms out

-------------------------------

DBT EMOTION REGULATION!
(very fitting & applicable this morning!) ♥

★emotions= SIGNALS, signs; means of communication/ influence; tools for motivation, organization, & self-knowledge; defense mechanism

★"negative" emotions CAN (and often DO) lead to POSITIVE OUTCOMES, IF dealt/ managed WISELY!!! (fuel!!!)
- "healing THROUGH woundedness"!!!

emotional mind= "jellyfish" // rational mind = "robot"
★ wise mind can be "outside" of BOTH

★nonverbal & verbal communication CAN CONFLICT!

1) passive, "doormat"
2) passive-aggressive; bitter at letting self be stepped on
3) aggressive; defined by "force"
4) assertive; self-respecting but polite!

(emergency shutdown) ★TRAUMA RESPONSE
★E.D. = NUMB^ + INDECISIVE → (can't express needed/ proper emotions and/ or needs? stuck on "plan b" INAPPLICABLE loop

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051517

DBT DISTRESS TOLERANCE!

"lightly, my child;"

★creates BALANCE in life= w/o it, things are unstable & unsteady & fluctuating

★DIALECT-ICAL = two "opposing sides" can BOTH be correct!!! (opinions, feelings, etc.)
- feeling sick but knowing our health is improving
- discussing two sides of an opinion-based issue

(TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT STRUGGLES; GET HELP!!!)

★reacting w/o negative consequences!!
★(there are some negative consequences you CANNOT recover from, OR "fix" w/ others)
★LIST PROS & CONS
★"SURVIVAL" INSTINCTS = be careful!

★ACCEPT LIFE AT THAT MOMENT!
NO manipulating, controlling, resisting, ignoring

★TIME!!! take some; the present is a GIFT and it's offered to us ALWAYS!

"Accept life on LIFE'S terms" (GOD)

(TRUST & HUMILITY)

★RUSHING/ IMPULSE/ "IMMEDIACY" CAN PROMOTE UNWISE "SNAP DECISIONS"
★NEED TO STAY MINDFUL; a serene inner calm in the midst of outer storms!!!

★MOMENT-TO-MOMENT CHOICES OF COURAGE & HEALING!!!
(vs all-or-nothing "never" "always" goals; instead, do the Good thing NOW; that's all we have!)

★"inner toolbox" (able to cope even in isolation!!) of coping skills/ virtues = "singing vs. playing piano" (carry the music IN you!!)

★"go with the flow" requires TRUST in own ability to not lose control/ be foolish
★SELF ESTEEM/ RESPECT

★YOU ARE NOT A DISORDER! IT'S A FALSE THING!
YOU ARE A MIRACULOUS, ORDERLY SYSTEM OF GOODNESS!!!

ACTION-BASED FORGIVENESS!

JUSTICE & MERCY!

----------------

(later)

"remove the beam from your own eye"

I have to be VERY blunt about this. I've been bottling it up but I NEED to admit/ express/ voice it.

Mary is so obsessed with Scripture that it's hard for her to talk in non-quoted-verses.
She'll block her ears & read the Bible for hours-- during groups, during bonding time, DURING MASS.
She says she likes eating "as part of a group" and was deeply hurt when she couldn't, BUT she constantly says how she wants to live in total isolation, miles upon miles from any human contact, in absolute silence.
She won't cooperate with staff. She's actually highly passively-confrontational with them, sometimes outright refuting their statements or orders. She demanded they cater to her meal desires at first, even when she knew no one in the unit had that option, and although she's since stopped such behavior, stopped declaring coldly "I do not desire this food" and refusing to eat, she still won't eat more than 25%, tops, and will "negotiate" with staff at every meal over this percentage. Then she'll drink the backup without waiting for the clock OR for others, although those are the rules.
She socially isolates and rarely shows warmth (although when she DOES, it's GENUINE and I TREASURE it), and she's very demanding & wants lots of control and sometimes, she seems to care more about the literal Word than about people, and God IN THE WORLD, AS HIS WORD, alive in His Creation.
She scares me to sobbing frustration because I see so much of the old "me" in her.

Kellie is similar. She is an apparently traumatized, nervous wreck, and my heart aches to see that, despite such sight also

(left unfinished)

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051617
dream.

Javier & Central, all sitting around a table like in the facility mealroom.
Lynne voiced the concern "are we 'real' if we aren't 'people'?"
Javier, who was at the head of the table, stood up with this look of absolute solid conviction, and declared "We are SOULS."
This sentiment visibly resonated with everyone there; it was such a moving thing to see.

later on in the dream, I was singing "Love is the Answer" with A.W. from the unit, which was really nice.

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051617 journal cover

★remember= food data is collected to promote LOVE & GRATITUDE for the inherent CREATIVE WONDER & GOODNESS OF GOD IN THE FOOD!! It requires respect, joy, prudence, temperance, harmony, and TRUST in God's will in GIVING IT TO YOU HERE!!!

★through every trial,★
♥PERSEVERE!♥
★LOVE WILL GUIDE YOU!★

food is LIFE transmuting death into MORE LIFE!!!

remember what Laurie said: you gotta get bigger if you wanna be a BRICK HOUSE!!

★GOD'S WORD DEMOLISHES SIN'S "STRONGHOLDS"!
★WRITE DOWN ALL DISOBEDIENT, DISHONORABLE THOUGHTS/ FEELINGS AND MAKE THEM CAPTIVE TO CHRIST!!!

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051717

CBT

-journaling = set goals/topics

★"paint" metaphor = you might not be able to change the room/ situation itself, BUT you can at least PAINT/ DECORATE IT!!
("safe/resonant" spaces)
"INNER HOUSE"
situations/ events are empty rooms/ canvases =
YOU can choose what color to paint the room you're living in, so to speak!!
★"vibe" transformation

"paint over the eating disorder" (better yet, REMODEL!!!)

-----------------------

(later)

It happened again.

Today, Wednesday, was one of my favorite lunches-- grilled cheese & sun chips. It's lovely.
But, we had another student nurse in the dining room, like poor Kayla, and this time, I didn't just dissociate from the "she can see EVERYTHING wrong & bad about my behavior & as a result staff thinks I'm evil & untrustworthy" fears… I gave in. That overwhelmed, exhausted, scared-&-crying kid part of me just gave up, and instead of TRYING to "be a good kid & change their minds about me," I was SO CONVINCED that such effort was hopeless, because it would seem like "suspicious buttering-up behavior to try & HIDE how evil they knew I was," and therefore even a Nobel Peace Prize would only serve to make them shake their heads & click their tongues, disgusted with the flagrant brassness of my hypocrisy… instead of facing such spiritual-existential despair, I decided to just let them say "I knew it." "I told you so."
I lapsed.
I drank the hot sauce. I licked the papers. I deconstructed the sandwich.

And because that dissociated paranoia hampered my ability to participate in/ remember the meal,
(but not God's ability)
I wanted to try again.

Amy cut hers into little bits & left half on her food tray.
I took one.

Just one. One tiny, inch big square. I ate it in the bathroom alone, quiet. I took my time.
I tasted it. That miniscule portion, taken in such slow isolation, was a feast.
I was happy. My body was sated. Had that been my sole & only meal of the day, it still would have satisfied.
But the guilt was unbearable.

I threw up in the sink.

…Is taking & eating food that someone else THREW AWAY AS GARBAGE a sin? No, but my gluttonous motivation is what made it so today.

Binges happen because I'm dissociated & desperate for quiet, comprehending, attentive wholeness, and I keep forcing second and twenty-second tries, just as desperate to "get it right," to heal…
It cannot heal, not in that mindset.

Get it Good the first time, please.

★your heart garden needs fertilizer too, dude!!
sometimes, I think, God lets "manure" like this happen so He can transmute it into that very Good use.
BUT that's at HIS merciful discretion!!! BE GOOD!!! ♥

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052017

CBT

(★NO EXCUSES ALLOWED!!! God gave you a Spirit of Good POWER to RESIST DISMISS ALL SIN, THROUGH GOD'S power!!!)

help us identify AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS, TO CHANGE THEM!
★see patterns; identify distortions; HEAL

DBT = emotional
CBT = wise mind/ rationality/ ★THOUGHT RECORDS || ★is this a TRUE thought, or a distortion?

1) SITUATION→ what's happening around me? OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION! "what's the crisis? who is involved?"
2) THOUGHTS→ what our mental responses are; SUBJECTIVE! "think it through;" SEE that process!
3) FEELINGS→ what our feelings/emotions are; RATE THEM! try to stay OBJECTIVE in listing them!

(plant GOOD seeds!)
★distorted thoughts fuel harmful feelings!!
★TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your choices! AND their consequences!!

★PREDISPOSE YOUR HEART & MIND TO ACTS OF LOVE, MERCY, GRATITUDE, & HUMILITY!
★armor of virtue!! (+PRAYER!! God is the SOURCE of virtue; ASK HIM for it!!)

★When you re-tune your heart, you CAN "walk through the valley of death" and yet FEAR NO EVIL, because CHRIST IS WITH YOU!!! don't ever let go of His guiding hand!!

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052217

DBT

"I don't know [this], but please TEACH ME!!"
(humility/ wisdom!)

★radical acceptance= TRUST in the big picture!!

★find ANCHORS for trust= knowledge, fact, reliability, etc.
(take time)

★learning = PARTICIPATION!

★focus on what you CAN control = YOUR RESPONSE TO IT!! ♥

★STALWART COURAGE & DEDICATION TO VIRTUE!!!

★appreciate little blessings! take NOTHING for granted!!!

1) Life can be tough! It's not always fair or easy.
2) Some things CANNOT be changed; death, especially
★3) It is what it is! Balance of uncontrollable/ controllable; see clearly; CAREFUL!!!
(DON'T "GIVE UP" & USE THIS TO FALSELY "JUSTIFY" IT!!)
4) You may not always agree with OR like the situation!
(accept it & move forwards regardless!!)
(^OBEDIENCE/ HUMILITY/ DEDICATION)
★respect authority!!

~BE STRONG, BE COURAGEOUS, & DO EVERYTHING IN LOVE!!! ♥~

YOU WILL GET THROUGH WHATEVER HAPPENS! ♥
(and if not, then you're with God! ♥)

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052617

DBT

objective observation; ALL observers reach the SAME CONCLUSION!!!

★judgments force things to "CONFORM;" conflict w/ mindfulness!!
(reject what IS)
^★"what is "good," "expected," etc. instead of "what WORKS?"
★even "good" judgments can be VERY WRONG!!

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052817

★bizarre E.D. fear contributing heavily to PURGING=
"putting OUTSIDE things INSIDE"
"they DON'T BELONG THERE"
feels WRONG, INVASIVE

★contrast childhood obsession w/ going INSIDE things??
(hercules sea monster, magic school bus body trips, etc.)
"vore" concept? INFI???

★TOYS like this??? e.g. clear tummies w sparkly water in 'em, etc.??

LOOK THIS STUFF UP & see if you STILL resonate with it somehow?
USE IT TO HEAL

vomiting = want to be EMPTY;
WHY?

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053017

★CORE BELIEFS = AFFECT SELF ESTEEM

"identity" : DON'T SHACKLE TO SHIFTING THINGS!!!
★don't let others do so, either!

"this is how I AM, that is how I WAS.
I will NOT go back; have faith in me!!"

★ACTIONS=PROOF!!
DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

★THEY CAN CHANGE, TOO!!! ♥
(HAVE HOPE & PRAY!) ("LOOK UP")
"don't hold me to my past,"
then don't hold THEM to it, either!!!

"treat others as YOU would like to be treated"!!
★bring them UP to where you are. ♥
★SET A GOOD EXAMPLE!!

you KNOW who you ARE, truly.
at the end of the day, REMEMBER THAT.
★you are changing for YOU. (AND OTHERS!!!) not to "please people!"
DO WHAT IS GOOD ACROSS THE BOARD!!
★PLEASE GOD ALONE!!

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May. 30th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, Jillian & Autumn! ♥ I love you both dearly and I am so glad & grateful to God that we got to know each other & grow together. May He make your futures as luminous as your hearts. ♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, vanilla Greek yogurt, vanilla chai tea, vanilla VHC, vanilla soymilk, and a blueberry pop tart. First things first, we have the continuing vanilla comparisons! The trouble is, it's hard to "compare" when you have no other comparisons or words to compare them against! Nevertheless, I'm further recognizing & clarifying the differences between what I DO have, and that DEMANDS FOCUS, RESPECTFUL, AWARE ATTENTION-- which in and of itself is a huge victory & blessing & step forwards. ♥ So THAT'S my real goal here-- to be ABLE to compare these flavors, by BEING PRESENT/ CONSCIOUS enough TO do so!! And every meal, every moment, I pray for that... but I can always pray more. ♥ And God's help is INFINITE, to serve our highest Good! So I will pray, and do my best to remain clear & open wide to RECEIVE His help, and I will accept in wholehearted trusting gratitude anything & everything that He allows or does not, and I will be equally trusting of HIS timing & wisdom! ♥ So, on that note, the vanillas. ♥ Guess what the VHC is similar to? THE OATMEAL. Honestly! With the brown sugar added, there is a NOTABLE similarity! The VHC has a bit of salt, like the Ensure, compared to the soymilk, and I still can't place that aftertaste but it's triggering SOME memory, so we'll see! And the chai is more like... it's not "sweet" vanilla, and not really floral either... it's warm but neutral? The exact sort of vanilla you'd expect in teas, or spicier things! Maybe it's the POD taste or something? We'll see! ♥ But I DID put the tea bag spices IN THE YOGURT, and BOY HOWDY. Now THAT was lovely!! ♥ The yogurt DOES have a more floral vanilla, but it is also delicately sweet-- AND gorgeously cultured-- but those spices? They give it all the COOLEST subtle warmth & unique accent-tone; ALL spices give that same sort of intricate high-end addition, and I honestly can't describe it yet but I do truly love it. ♥ More tries WILL happen in the future! ♥ But as for the soy, it seems to be solidly sticking to the cake comparison, but I just want to reiterate how much I love that mild & smooth soy undertone. It's so nice. ♥ Now back to the oatmeal! I can't give you any "individual data" today though because it was UNITED with the raisins & brown sugar entirely! ♥ BUT. I DID learn a lesson today. You cannot "force" unification on certain foods! Because I tried to put the biscuit-ends of the Poptart in, BUT. They DIDN'T WANT TO. And why? Because they were ALREADY UNITED, and that unity was complete. Whereas the oatmeal & raisins are complete in & of themselves, they are BOTH the products of different unity-- one to water, one to sunshine-- and sugar is MEANT to be united. BUT!! The oats are a UNIFIER! They are a canvas that HOLDS paint!! And raisins are one of those foods that love unity and have a HUGE potential for it-- produce of ALL sorts IS, by definition; plants exist to help others. So those three together are perfect; harmonious, joyous, delicious-- and, ON ITS OWN, so is the Pop Tart. Flour, sugar, fruit, corn, milk... all more unity-loving things. Brought together as such a pastry they make a whole, BUT!!! And this is key! "PACKAGED" foods in such "complete," or "final product" states, are just that-- FINAL. You can 'unite' them in superficial ways, but then that's NOT actual "unity." You CANNOT "combine" such a food with anything else unless you deconstruct it first. And ALL united things cry out in aching protest against such a thing. Hence my mistake with the PopTart pieces in the oatmeal. Despite softening into it, you could tell they weren't "part of it"-- they couldn't be; they weren't meant to; they didn't WANT to. It was TANGIBLE. So I apologized sincerely, ate those bits separate (an imperfect but genuine attempt at apology), and then ate the two separate union foods on their own, with love & appreciation deepened by that hugely-educational mistake. And, no, the oatmeal mix does NOT taste like the cookie-- there's no flour, OR butter! (+cooking in an OVEN changes the oat taste!!) But the raisins DID taste the same, all richened in fruity flavor by the heat & moisture; and the brown sugar & oats, with them, were beautiful nevertheless. ♥ They had an increased gentleness, surprisingly, by that boost of warmly, happy sweet-- grounded in the oats to become an equally warm & sweet embrace, quietly joyous, and exuberant in the little raisins. It was a joy. As for that Pop Tart? The pieces in the oatmeal got WAY "butterier" as a result, & more doughy-soft, but it didn't feel right. By itself, all sugar-crystal sweet in the icing & filling and mildly salty-buttery-sweet in that perfectly simple biscuity bit, with the filling tasting JUST LIKE the blueberries in Monday's crumbcake, all lovely crystal-purple with the added sugar but still so calmly contentedly smiling in its essence... its own unique unity, lighter & drier than the oatmeal, but also holding its own sorts of grain-warmth & heavy sweetness of sugar... that unity, too, is perfect. ♥ Even prepackaged! It's STILL made ENTIRELY of God's gifts, like literally EVERY food EVER made... and the knowledge & skill & work & creative imagination required TO blend those gifts together into art, into something uniquely, clumsily human, but still so uniquely loveable & precious as a result... ALL of that, too, comes from the infinitely Good & Loving & Generous
& Creative Heart of God. So yes, in truth, even a Pop Tart is a miracle. ♥ Bless His name!

Lunch= yet another lovely PIZZA TUESDAY, with chocolate ganache-cream cake, vanilla VHC, ranch dressing, and a side salad (one grape tomato, iceberg lettuce, 2 big cucumber slices, a few pieces of violet cabbage, and literally ONE CARROT PIECE)! And there was indeed a LOT of love in this lunch... because it's the first meal at COPE that WE'VE eaten, together. ♥ REALLY. WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS, and better than ever!!! ♥ Yes, there's still a lot of deep hurt to heal, but WE CAN, with God's unfailing, ever-present help & grace & guidance, which we are ALL reverently grateful for & open to & conscious of. PLUS!!! God ALREADY answered my morning prayer, THROUGH US... because when "I" instead becomes "we," the REAL "I" CAN EXIST, and with existence comes CONSCIOUSNESS. With it comes awareness, and attention, and focus, and ever-deeper love & gratitude. So yes-- by God's INFINITE and gorgeous Love & Mercy, We were almost 100% present for this meal. ♥ THANK YOU GOD!!! ♥ And I say "almost" because it IS still a healing process, still a war against the forces of evil that will ALWAYS try and fail to hinder God's work in Us. So struggles occur, but God uses those struggles to crush pride, to foster courage & hope & faith, and to water those heart-flowers of virtue & holiness, of course! But as long as we stand strong in our faith & dedication to Good, as long as we turn to God for aid & put forth our very best for His glory TO work through (we gotta open that door, remember), we CANNOT fail, OR despair, because as you ALL know, God uses even EVERY alleged "failure" of human effort FOR OUR HIGHEST GOOD AND HIS GLORY, if we still trust in Him despite our inevitable human weakness. ALL victory, ALL power, and ALL glory are His, after all... no matter what. ♥ And now, the much-loved meal! I'm starting with the salad as usual: even the iceberg has such true life to it, sparkling in its fresh-green delicateness & spring-rain water crisp clarity. The ranch dances with it so beautifully, its joyous bright strength still wrapping that meek and kind green in the gentlest, happiest embrace. The cucumber's green is firmer, but just as kind, and delicate, but IT is given strength by its dark green rind, firm & brave & good, tasting of the cool shadows of trees. The cabbage carries the rare color of divinity's spark, blooming powerfully but blissfully from its fractal heart, with a firm but rubber-crisp texture, clean and bright & vivid and beloved. And even tat LONE CARROT PIECE was preciously mild & sweet, with that signature carotene kiss still brightening it to happy life! And that one tomato was red-ripe and DENSER in its inner jelly than a grape, full of good water & little seeds, lovely all around. ♥ AND. I unfortunately didn't use enough, but I DID put ranch on a bit of chocolate cake!! ♥ It's AWESOME. Sour cream wouldn't work, and neither would cream OR cottage cheese, BUT plain milk would be okay, and too much sugar (ice cream) wouldn't mesh too well either, I don't think... nevertheless, something about the ranch WORKS. But I'll get THAT clearer NEXT week-- THIS week, I made up for the ranch deficit by mixing the cake with the VHC!! And-- you guessed it-- BOY HOWDY!! If they made gourmet ice cream sandwiches, THAT'S what they'd taste like!!! ♥ The bit of butter-salt richness of the icing, and the dark moist non-sharp chocolate luxury of the cake, anchored elegantly in the flour, PAIRED with the slightly 'salty,' thick & creamy, "french vanilla" tone of the VHC... like pudding & cake. Now THAT'S a match made in heaven!! ♥ So we're DEFINITELY doing THAT again, too... maybe even with the brownie on Friday! ♥ But for today, we have one last blessed thing to further bless: the PIZZA!! ♥ GUESS WHAT? PIZZA CRUST TASTES LIKE PIE CRUST. I KID YOU NOT! It's not exact, but WHOA is it ever close!! The pie has lard, not oil, and so it's "softer" & buttery, whereas the pizza just has oil, so it's harder but still soft without crumbling or mushing. And its main flour undertone has a SLIGHTLY more wholegrain-wheat taste, BUT its base tone, especially with its sweetness, which perfectly anchors the also-semisweet but peppery & red-heavy-rich tomato sauce, AND the milky chewy cheese, which (due to the milk) has its own special "sweetness" that, rooted in savory qualities, also perfectly complements the sugar-sweet touch to the crust... that tone, that precious flour heart, is the same. And that TEXTURE. PRAISE BE TO GOD that such a thing exists & can be experienced!! It's firm, NOT soft like a fruit pie, OR brittle like a pumpkin pie, BUT like the latter in taste (like EXACTLY so!!! ♥), BUT THICKER & CUSHY-SOFT. It's divine. I can't wait for next Tuesday!!! ♥

3PM Snack= a chocolate magic cup, both in light of the cake, AND in preparation for tonight's BIG healing-snack goalplan!! ♥ And here's the coolest thing-- it's not quite like the cake "ganache," as there's no buttery/ creamy taste... but it is almost EXACTLY a HERSHEY'S KISS!!! ♥ And the texture is like THICK, gel-y pudding when warmed!! ♥ Thanks Nina!!

Dinner= chicken w/ skin, gravy, bread stuffing w/ celery & pepper (that's what I got!), vanilla VHC, a vanilla shake 'em up, an orange cream magic cup, and a sweet potato souffle. I was oddly dissociating a lot during this meal, possibly from simple day-stress/ mental exhaustion, BUT God gave me Laurie and I LOVE her, SO much, and she feels the same for me so together we did our absolute best!! ♥ The orange magic cup, finally revisited, was WONDERFUL. It was still fairly cold-solid, but that was fine too-- the mouthfeel of that stuff is downright divine. AND, it tastes like a LEGIT ORANGE. REALLY! Not OJ, Not an artificial candy quality... but really like the fruit, just as bright clear lovely orange flavor! ♥ BUT there's also the cream aspect, however surprisingly subtle, and honestly? If you squeezed fresh orange juice into a syrupless mini-sundae, it would probably taste QUITE similar to this-- just without that denser, thicker texture & related flavor affectation. But yes, it was lovely. ♥ The shake 'em up was ALSO lovely, AND it, too, tasted more like the SUNDAE ice cream than the normal sort-- or at least, it did with how much cream taste was in it! But it ALSO is mostly milk, and that taste is ALSO clear! So it's very unique-- and yes, there is a white sugar + corn syrup sweetness to it (the sugar taste, but mellowed out? Still learning! ♥), AND because of the milk majority, it flows as smoothly as the soymilk-- maybe just a tad creamier (there's lots of water in the soymilk). But its vanilla flavor is also the white sort of the sundae-- a subtly different sweet than the magic cup, but similar enough in the cream (gotta check again one night), although it's FAR lighter & "floatier" in tone. However! Its simplicity helped clarify HOW different the VHC is! That aftertaste IS the "grainy chewable" multivitamin taste!! THAT'S the memory link! ♥ And flavor-wise vs the shake, it's saltier, heavier, warmer toned & less "bright," more "round-wide" sweet, and still reminding me the most of vanilla pudding. HOWEVER!!! I put some in the TEA today and WHOA BUDDY, I think THAT'S what Borders chai tasted like??? I'm DEFINITELY trying that again tomorrow, with the LEGIT chai-spice tea bag-- AND the vanilla soymilk to contrast to it!! ♥ So THAT will be SUPER COOL. (Tomorrow is also FRENCH TOAST & EGGS, which I'm gonna SUPER experiment with-- it's gonna rock.) Next up for today, though, is that MAIN COURSE! ♥ The gravy ISN'T as salty as I previously though-- it's nice, thickened but not heavy or pudding-like (which wouldn't work well in this meal context), and tasting mostly of chicken "boullion" and warmed saltiness-- NOT sharp or overpowering. It's perfect, in fact, for its partners-- which are both mild in flavor, and neutral-toned, being altogether warmed & enriched by it! Speaking of, that stuffing? WOW. For how simple it is, it's like... precious as a result. It has NO salt taste, and it's NOT sticky OR doughy-- it's wet & soft & spongy! Not mushy like the bread pudding, or as soft-light in mouthfeel-- the stuffing does "stick together," but nicely, like... well. Like itself! It's bread cubes, moist but not soaked, and heated to where it "stuffs together" and soft-stiffens and turns into something new and lovely. It has SUCH a soft texture, too, the ONLY thing I can compare it to-- in BOTH that and its plain bready taste (but NOT white bread; it DOESN'T taste like the roll or buns OR sliced bread)-- is the LASAGNA!!! Honestly, it's SUPER CLOSE!! But there's also a sprinkle of pepper and wonderful chickensoup-flavored cooked celery bits in it, too, which-- adding all of that together with the gravy-- is a beautifully savory but comfortingly "bready" taste. And it's WONDERFUL with that chicken!! It's quite different from ALL the other chicken?? It's a little pinkish, and has a "heavier" flavor tone? NOT salty, but... I'm not sure! Because that flavor comes not only from the bottom influence of stuffing & gravy, (which tastes TOTALLY unlike the breaded chicken, from what I recall), but MOSTLY from the SKIN & FAT on top!! So, not only is there that distinct fat taste, there's also the currently-indescribable skin taste, and-- being cooked- it's GOLDEN BROWN, and DOES have a notable "oven" taste! It was SO clear when it hit me then, but it evades me now. Ah well, now I know what to focus on NEXT week! ♥ But I loved it all today... especially my dear souffle. ♥ That TEXTURE-- it's like the skin-top of a pumpkin pie, ALL around, and MORE "resistant" in bouncy filmy-firmness... and its inside is SO BEAUTIFULLY THICK but smooth, from the beloved addition of EGG. ♥ And maybe milk! AND it's full of SPICES, cinnamon & nutmeg & maybe clove, and sweet with sugar, too! ♥ I love it so. And even if I feel stuffed, I refuse to reject God's gift of this meal. It is a special blessing, to sanctify my heart & will. ♥

8PM Snack= it's the MEGA CHOCOLATE/ VANILLA COMPARISON CHALLENGE!!! One chocolate sundae, one ice cream sandwich, AND one chocolate & one vanilla MINI ICE CREAMS!! ♥ Infinitii wholeheartedly approved of this healing effort, as I've been honestly evading those and I want to love them, too... but REAL love is always marked by wounds. The evil one TRIED to make me hate them... but God only gives us challenges WE can win, us AND God. And God gave me Infi. And now, seeds of true, determined healing love are sprouting. ♥

May. 29th, 2017 09:30 am = Celebi & Steven Universe!! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumb cake, an orange, vanilla Greek yogurt, vanilla chai tea, vanilla VHC, and a mint chocolate NuGo bar! Switchin' it up today, oh boy! But that's always fun, too. ♥ Change is ALWAYS welcome; I'm quickly learning to love the unexpected, the unpredictable... the element of surprise! ♥ OH!! And the natural, boundlessly free flow of life unhindered & unfettered-- which can be scary, IN its utter liberty, especially to someone like me who is fond of schedule & structure. But. You ALL know that I also have a soul as free as the green trees & crystalline snow-- and that soul of mine KNOWS and loves the inherent, equally free structure WITHIN life. Geometry. Fractals. Time like the tide & the vibrations of quartz. Everything perfect and harmonious and infinite within finiteness. And so! I am embracing that truth ever the more closely to my heart in my daily life! ♥ And step one is eating more organically-- more intuitively. Yes, I still have a 45m time limit, BUT my recent habit of solid "10m time slots" per food item is... unwise? It would be better to eat freely, enjoying every bite heartfully AND mindfully, WITHOUT artificially "stretching" or "condensing" time. HOWEVER. That limit STILL STANDS, and time MUST BE RESPECTED & SPENT PRUDENTLY! So, just as with nature, there MUST BE BALANCE! I must STILL hold myself to a certain amount of structure, both to avoid going overtime, AND to avoid rushing-- and therefore disrespecting & not fully appreciating-- the last food items in a meal. Which I unfortunately had to do this morning-- BUT! That was the dear NuGo, which BLESSEDLY took that position so I can DOUBLE-HEAL at 3pm snack today! ♥ So her data will come in better then-- for now, suffice to say that the cocoa-soy taste (gotta clarify WHICH "kind" of chocolate-tone that is) and the matte-smooth lovely coating AND that kiss of peppermint (which I need to pay closer attention to-- it evades me too often as a result) were beautiful as always. ♥ Next up? The orange! I ate it whole and it tasted like CHRISTMAS-- the peel's "pomander" & "Denison house" flavor, PLUS its spice-tea element (yes, it's the PEEL you taste in such teas! ♥) were so beautifully clear, with a unique tone I can't quite describe! I'll work on it. But paired with the sweet-orange-brightness of the fruit's inside glow, it adds a warmth somehow, and a different sweetness, and it's perfect. I'll have to focus on that harmony more on Friday-- but today? I put some of that orange juice in the YOGURT-- and it was AMAZING. ♥ OJ wouldn't work; it's TOO warm, and the amber-opaque tart doesn't match the floral white? But the CLEAR orange, vivid & light, DOES! That's fascinating, really. But yes-- once I get more solid individual orange description data-- AND clarify the yogurt itself a tad more? Really "lock it in," as it's vague around the edges yet-- I will UNITE the two totally, and bless its new friendship, that new work of art. ♥ PLUS. The vanilla chai DOES taste like vanilla!! ♥ I can GET that flavor now! It's a natural vanilla, NOT white & floral OR yellow & sweet-- it's DARK & clear & brown?? And the SPICES, cinnamon & clove & cardamom, ADD to that richly comforting, mellow-spice warmth, all an "innerglowing" amber-brown, with maybe a touch of white light? FROM the vanilla? We'll see-- AND we will ALSO see how it tastes IN THE YOGURT, which I DID try today but couldn't grasp yet... but I know it will be beautiful, because I felt them singing together, like reunited sisters. ♥ Which they ARE-- their heart is the same: all gorgeous vanilla. And that white creamy yogurt really wants to harmonize with the warmer, "harder" bitter-brown accents of the spices. It even LOOKS like art! So on Tuesday we'll see that work of art in completeness & deeper love & joy. ♥ Until then, we have the vanilla soymilk and the crumbcake! Guess what? THEY TASTE SIMILAR. Like, a LOT. ♥ The crumbcake is more buttery-- more of that richer, lower-toneheight yellow, not as delicate & unsalty as the soymilk-- but besides that, the vanilla tone is SURPRISINGLY close, especially since I don't even know if there IS vanilla in the cake? Not sure! But either way, I cannot deny the match-- or that dear silky tofu taste that ONLY reveals itself clearly after such a comparison. It's miraculous, really. God's Creation is FULL of wonder. And, I didn't compare those to the yogurt (maybe that would've helped clarify things; oh well, better try next week! ♥) because their color tones ARE so different-- no yellow in it-- AS was the new VHC! I have it instead of Ensure today, but it's still vanilla... but. It has a texture like a MAGIC CUP, just slightly creamier/ flowier (duh)! And flavor-wise, it's yellower than the Ensure! But it's brand new, so more data & clarity is incoming-- with lunch's vanilla sundae, and tomorrow's second-chance soymilk/ yogurt breakfast! One thing for sure, though, is that I LIKE IT. ♥ I like EVERYTHING! There's ALWAYS that spark of God within ALL things, which my own loves WITH His Love. ♥

3PM Snack= as I promise AND as the Spirit agreed, I had a mind chocolate NuGo bar! ♥ Here's the thing= the peppermint is NOT in the non-dairy dark chocolate coating-- it's in the CRISPS!!! And there's RICE AND SOY crisps, AND a touch of salt, AND the cocoa is black-dark and reminds me, when blended with the crisps in mouthfeel, of darker chocolate CAKE. ♥ It's beautiful. AND I took 16 minutes to eat it, so that FULLY made up for this morning, in total appreciative genuine love. ♥ Thank You, God!! ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ butter & PARSLEY (got it! ♥), breaded chicken, vanilla VHC, and a strawberry syrup sundae! Oh-- AND vanilla soymilk! I compared the vanillas first, but with the temperature difference, lack of a cup for the soymilk, AND difficulty of identifying liquid tastes because you can't help but instinctively swallow them quickly (without looking like a goldfish, OR choking-- believe me, I've tried), it was trickier to compare than expected. But I lovingly did my best-- and I do pray again now to God through His Holy Spirit to both purify & sanctify my intention and understanding, and to supply me wit data I NEED, for GOD'S GLORY, for my praise of and gratitude for Him in/ for His gifts, and for victory OF God over the devils of ingratitude & distraction & disrespect & ignorance. So, with God's help, let us begin! ♥ First, the sundae vanilla is like the ICE CREAM SANDWICH-- just less "watery?" It's VERY creamy-- to the point of having a GORGEOUS FROTHY MOUTHFEEL-- lighter in density, but JUST as thick, essentially! ♥ And it has a light but SUGARY-delicate vanilla taste-- pure, sweet, airy white! The soymilk DOES have a similarity in its matte-white heart & super-light, water-based backtone, BUT it is not rich OR milky, and ITS vanilla tone is actively playful, and SWEETER? It's a high-end pale butter-yellow color, and-- as you know-- it tastes like cake!! BUT they BOTH have white sugar to their tones, so although they're notably different, they're still close at heart. ♥ As for the VHC? THAT is even tougher to compare-- it's yellow-based, and close to BOTH the MC and soymilk tone as a result... but it REALLY tastes like pudding! So, agin, I'll double-check at dinner & give you that info as best I can. ♥ But it does NOT taste at ALL like ice cream!! And, as today I was celebrating a different mother than my mom-- Rose Quartz (who STILL reminds me of my mom in a special way ♥)-- I MIXED the strawberry syrup in & made it pink! ♥ But I had the first spoonful alone, and it has the sugar-added brightness of the PopTart, BUT it's not as light (less sugar), so it's closer to the Nutrigrain filling-- clear & red-- but more saturated red! More legit strawberry flavor, not so dark or syrupy. And, mixed WITH that pure creamy white, it turns the same pink as my Izephel shirt, and dude it tastes WONDERFUL. But it was so new, it's hard to put words to data... although, I might try another tonight. ♥ We'll see; it'll be a challenge, AND a fitting re-tribute to SU tonight! But we'll see. I do recall that it loses its froth when syrup-mixed? But I can't recall if it tastes like any OTHER strawberry ice cream types or not. Again, we'll see! ♥ Right now, it's PIEROGI TIME! And I was right-- they do NOT taste like bread, but they also DON'T taste like pasta! Their base flour-taste isn't white, it's OFFWHITE? It DOES have a "wholesome" tone to it, just a little, but enough to make it more grounded-- more firm, more dough-tasting, but NOT oily! It's wheat flour mixed with water and THEN tossed in MELTED butter-- which, once melted, has a TOTALLY different taste-tone than in its cream state (which is what goes into CAKE flours and COOKIE doughs!)! And the potato filling is SMOOTHER than the instants? It's oddly denser, not so "light," but it's also not as textured? The instants have a vague 'grain' to them, but not these. They're soft yellow potatoes, I would guess-- but, being packaged, they have an unusual particular overtone that I can't place! Honestly, pierogi potatoes taste like pierogi potatoes! However they make 'em, it's really not comparable to other preparations. Maybe there's a "buttermilk" undertone, deep down? And I can't tell if they're salty, or if I'm being thrown off by the butter! But. That's our goal for next week. ♥ I just want to add that the parsley flakes are the PERFECT subtle flavor accent to the flour & butter. Herbs are evasive to describe, and I'll try to comprehend them more clearly next week, too-- but believe me, they did their job beautifully. ♥ As for the chicken! It's NOT crispy! The breading IS soft, especially close to the meat, just like the tenders-- but NOT spicy OR hard on top! There's a slight pepper & herb (?) touch, but it's mostly neutrally light-brown & moist; BUT at the very ends, it's JUST like the tenders in darker-warmer brown, hard & crispy texture. ♥ But the meat is QUITE different! It's pinker & not as dry, but STILL fairly dry in parts... and it's NOT like the baked/ burger kinds: it's not as dense OR springy OR "light." It has a warmer, heavier tone, and although its mouthfeel when chewed is SUPER similar to the tenders, it's smoother? And there's LOTS of tougher fat-strips through it, some that you can't even cut through! But it's all still 100% delicious. ♥ Oh-- and this breading reminded me a little of the stuffing?? I could be wrong, but it was so wet that there was probably some echo of it, if only in that respect. As a whole, it was softer & moister than the tenders, and not "spicy" either-- it was softer in mouthfeel & density than the burger chicken, not as "tacky," but-- I think-- paradoxically not as dry? At least, not in mouthfeel! Texture-dryness-wise, though, it IS quite so. But really, despite my still struggling with data, I assure you, I loved every bite. ♥ Oh-- and it's NOT salty, save for the slightest kiss of it in the breading! ♥ Words may evade me currently, but my heart-love & memory IS clear... and God is ALWAYS to be praised in that sharing of joy. ♥

Dinner= an oatmeal raisin cookie, a spinach salad (w/ mushrooms & 2 grape tomatoes), French dressing, French fries, vanilla VHC, a ketchup packet, and our MONDAY MEATLOAF. I prayed sincerely to God for His Holy Spirit's aid (through Mary!) in paying attention to this meal, so here we go. ♥ The vanilla VHC tastes a bit like custard, actually! BUT it's not yellow in visual color-- it's light brown, like the Ensure! AND there's a particular aftertaste that reminds me a LOT of the taste non-fruit multivitamins have?? It's something I have no clear words for yet, but it gives this vanilla a VERY unique taste that I will continue to clarify. ♥ But yes, currently it's pudding/ custard-esque, but NO coconut, or milk taste that I can tell. HOWEVER! There IS a heavy butter innertone to the COOKIE! ♥ Its texture was soft today, but NOT doughy-"bready" or "crumbly;" it was a stiff-soft? With a BEAUTIFUL thick bite-"denseness." And the brown sugar taste was also notable & lovely, ESPECIALLY with the raisins-- which taste DIFFERENT when cooked!! They get a bit harder, "gummier" like a caramel-hard "stick" in places, AND... they taste MORE like grapes??? The heavy sugar GOES AWAY and their taste gets tart-sweet but mellower? It's AWESOME. AND I think it's more violet in taste-tone?? We'll see! ♥ OH!!! And THAT'S why the cookie texture is beautifully soft-dense and the mouthfeel is lovely-light but flour-smooth and not sticky-- it has OATS in it!!! DUH, but I TOTALLY missed the obvious!! Which is hilarious, but now I'm like... psyched to compare TOMORROW'S brown sugar oatmeal AND RAISINS to it-- PLUS I also have PopTart flour to add to it if I want! ♥ Bonus blessings ahoy; THANKS GOD!!! ♥ (Sincerely!) Now, time for the always-beloved salad! The mushrooms tasted beautifully of damp woods earth, all super-light in texture and taste, BUT I forget how those little "rubbery frills" under the cap added TO the texture! ♥ I love them. So noticing them visually and in mouthfeel (they have resistance!) was a little joy. ♥ The spinach was gorgeously dark green (what a flavor!! it's SUPER woodsy, in a way-- there's a deep life taste to it, different from the "youthful" vivid life of light greens and the "newborn" delicate life of pale greens), and the STEMS are always so wonderfully crisp & life-tasting! I enjoyed every bite-- AND that French dressing's peach-red sweet-tang was a LOVELY complement in both color & taste; it has a tang almost identical to KETCHUP, due to the vinegar, corn syrup, AND tomato paste... but the dressing is mostly OIL, with a nip of dried onion? (Says the package!) So that mellows & sweetens it just enough for it NOT to be a flavor-punch like the ketchup, especially the vinegar! (Same principle with coleslaw, I suppose!) But yes, I can taste its data MUCH more clearly now-- especially as beautifully offset as it was by that rich, almost lush green of the spinach! It HAS an "umami" tone, AS do the mushrooms, which is SUPER COOL & unique & which I should really think about more in terms of artistic flavor combos. But not right now-- now we have the grape tomatoes, still red & ripe & sweet, BUT!! One was super soft and SUPER SWEET and it tasted A LOT LIKE A LEGIT GRAPE??? It was shocking! It was softer and sweeter and I REALLY hope I get to experience that again tomorrow because WOW. Next week, remind me to compare one to the raisins! ♥ And now, THE MAIN COURSE. ♥ I took like 15 minutes for the fries-- NO time worries-- and that total freedom TO love them made that experience SO BLESSED. ♥ First, they AREN'T salty and they DON'T resemble the pierogi in terms of crispy-bit firmness-- they resemble the BREAD PUDDING. REALLY. IT'S AWESOME. They're JUST as firm-chewy-soft; it's beautiful. Their texture outside is golden-brown with oil, the same barely-crisp-soft texture that is echoed in the sauteed squares AND omelette-- and their insides, oh man. Pure, soft, delicious fried potato bliss. ♥ And then there's that meatloaf! It's NOT dry, and it's NOT tacky! It's moist, all the way through, and it's DELICIOUS. ♥ Really-- the mouthfeel is super unique, with the little marbled-in fat nubs and the "ground-up" consistency OF the meat, being 'chewy'-soft but NOT heavy, and of course having that wonderfully unique sour taste-- which might be salt related? It's NOT 'salty,' but the taste suggests maybe a unique cooked-salt affect? Who knows! All I know is that I truly enjoy it either way. ♥ Oh, and it's NOT as "beefy" as hamburger? There's something else to it I can't place. But I'll get it in time! ♥ Lastly? Ketchup actually does NOT go with the fries, as it's FAR too acidic & overpowering; they don't "mesh" well. BUT, its sourer tone meshes with the sourer meatloaf SUPER well! ♥ I thought it would, and it did-- and it matched its color tone, too! Thank God for all these beautiful discoveries of Creation; I love Him. ♥

8PM Snack= in honor of the INCREDIBLE AWESOME SU FINALE, I had an ice cream sandwich (for Steven), a berry Magic Cup (for Lars), and a bag of plain Sun Chips (for Blue & Yellow Diamond(s), who I platonic love-ship SO HARD)! ♥ And I thoroughly enjoyed EVERY BITE of ALL OF IT and my body was JUST as happy!!! ♥ Praise be to God!! ♥ So this little challenge of grateful love, THROUGH grateful love, became a joyous victory FOR continued grateful love and GOD IS ALL OF THAT. ♥♥♥

May. 28th, 2017 09:30 am = IN the victory of God's LOVE!!! ♥

Breakfast= a fresh fruit cup (2 grapes, 2 pineapple chunks, honeydew & cantaloupe), an English muffin, vanilla Ensure, vanilla soymilk, jasmine green tea, cream cheese, and a cheese omelette. Another blessed breakfast! ♥ The grapes tasted a LOT like raisins today, in their sweet-quality & slight tartness, but their water makes them LIGHT & BRIGHT despite that, and their skins add a unique wine-like (and colored!) different tart & bitter nip. The cantaloupe & honeydew BOTH have the same core sweetness? It's unique to melons-- a VERY round, VERY light & delicate sweetness, very water-based, AND they both have the same "firmer, fresher" cucumber-esque body texture in their waterier parts? Whereas, the deeper the color gets, the "thick-softer" the melon gets, and less watery (but not too much less). The honeydew stays crisper, though? It gets softer, sure, but NOT "denser" like the cantaloupe. And taste-wise, the honeydew does have a precious honey-esque delicate sweetness to it, a subtle but marked overtone to its milder, more neutral pale-moon-green taste, definitively "dewlike" in equally delicate wetness. The pineapple juice does alter it a bit, BUT it's an easily distinguishable separate taste, so it didn't register as a combo-- it's not meant to be one, here; it's just a sweet freshness preserver, and it does that perfectly. ♥ The cantaloupe's flavor is even rounder, fuller-- it's a less "light sweetness" & "flavor spread" than the honeydew, which is so delicate & "floaty-height" in its lightness that it's almost like a water crystal. The cantaloupe isn't "glassy" or clear at all; it's opaque, but pastel, and not "firm-hard" but NOT squishy, either! It's ALMOST like a "stress ball" in firmness, but not so resistant, and with a smooth & cool (but NOT glossy) surface texture-- no grain, but still so soft. Lovely stuff. ♥ I'll work on finding more specific words to describe such unique flavors-- BUT just remember, the ONLY reason I can even FIND words is that my HEART KNOWS, WITHOUT WORDS! ♥ And it only knows through the Grace of God, & prayer. ♥ As for the pineapple? It's NOT SOUR! It's sweet, but a BRIGHT yellow sweet-- not pale & mellow like apples & (extremely) bananas, not as sharp-vivid & acid as a lemon. It's buttercup yellow, but as FRUIT-- and that makes it "VIVID SWEET," a taste that peaches can aspire to, but which pineapples wear the crown of! ♥ And, like peaches, there is a very subtle tart undertone, but it's NOT sour. And their firm but "softening"-snap (?) fibers, tougher than a peach BUT (almost) just as easily giving, are such a cool texture. So yes, ALL the fruit is FINALLY 100% HEALED & LOVED! ♥ So next up is the stuff I have already greatly loved-- starting with the CREAM CHEESE! And guess what? It tastes ALMOST EXACTLY like sour cream. THAT was shocking!! BUT, being MORE cultured, it's FAR thicker, FAR less "milky," AND it's notably salty-- which means that, if you added back a little milkiness and removed a smidge of salt, it'd taste like the cottage cheese! ♥ (Which seems to vary in saltiness, as that IS added in preparation for BOTH). But I LOVE it; it's thick but NOT flowy like yogurt, and it's creamy in mouthfeel without becoming milky! Really, it's wonderful. And on the muffin, it's even BETTER! ♥ Its salty-sourcream-sweet taste & thickness is a beautiful complement of taste AND color to the pale brown, slightly sourdough-bitter, uniquely breadsweet taste of the muffin-- AND, guess what the MUFFIN resembles in texture? The BREAD PUDDING ENDS. Yes, it's THAT chewy-solid-soft gorgeousness, but just a bit doughier, and not so sweet OR golden in flavor-- it's neutral, the muffin-- but yes, same beloved texture. ♥ So yeah, its mouthfeel is LOVELY; not as light a floury-paste as rolls & bread, but not as dense as cake-- it's a beautiful, unique inbetween. ♥ And with the thick flow & salt & CULTURE of the cream cheese, anchored on that bittersweet wholeness? Dude it's even BETTER than the roll & butter, and THAT is QUITE a feat!!! ♥ Now, the cheese omelette is also salty, but from butter? The inner egg is soft & sweeter & eggy but NOT yolky (like scrambled; nor is it rubbery like them; omelettes have AIR whipped in!), BUT! The top is VISIBLY crisped golden brown!! So THAT adds a unique flavor touch, which in turn is PERFECT with the cheese's rich amber, sweet AND salty as well, and warmly colored! It mellows out the "browned" taste and makes the whole thing a beautiful matchup. ♥ I truly love it so, so much, every time. And lastly, our drinks! The jasmine tea tastes BEAUTIFULLY of flowers, heady & yet NOT "sinusy," all delicate white but elegant. It's beautiful; it's like drinking actual petals, like imbibing the lovely life of the woods and all its brilliant green & white flowers. ♥ AND I can recognize green TEA taste now, too! ♥ It's VERY close to black in the bitter-bit, but NOT so bitter-- it's lighter, cleaner-- greener! ♥ Just like its visual tone. Same with the soymilk! On its own it's SUPER vanilla-y; not quite like cake, as there's no butter, but nothing like white vanillas! But it's NOT "sugary." just sweet, and it DOES remind me of cake vanilla more than ANY other sort. BUT! Compared to a sip of Ensure? It tastes like the tofu! It's AMAZING how active contrast affects taste, it really is. But yes, the Ensure is STILL salty & NOT YELLOW in comparison, and it really has NO "exact" flavor comparison-- besides inexplicably reminding me of PUMPKIN PIE all of a sudden. Ah well, dinner will help clarify it! Until then, ALL praise & loving thanks be to God for this Good breakfast!! ♥

Lunch= a turkey chef salad w/ half an egg & swiss cheese (+ 3 grape tomatoes, 3 cucumber slices, and some julienned carrot & violet cabbage), golden Italian dressing, a dinner roll, a butter pat, cranberry juice, apple pie, chocolate Ensure, & salt & pepper. ALL through this meal, ONE gorgeous & beautiful True thought was on my mind & heart: "So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God." 1 Cor: 10:31. I adore that ENTIRE letter, and that constantly repeated sentiment IS MY LIFE AND TREATMENT GOAL-PURPOSE. "Conquer evil with Good." "Love is the fulfillment of the Law." "Whoever eats, eats for the Lord, since he gives thanks to God." AND, "Let us then pursue what leads to peace and to building up one another." SO! I FIRMLY resolve, with the help of God's Grace, to sin NO MORE through ED behavior, but to INSTEAD choose AND do ONLY THAT which will inspire my sisters to act, also, in LOVING, HARMONIOUS, GOD-PRAISING WAYS! And, it's NOT "ME" who accomplishes this work, but GOD HIMSELF, able TO use me IF I conform my life TO HIM as a living sacrifice. So! I WILL eat EVERY GOOD as such from this moment on, for Him and through Him!! ♥ And step 1 is: SEE and PRAISE and THANK Him in EVERYTHING. And I did that at this lunch! ♥ I ate EVERYTHING properly, respectfully, & thankfully. Now, for descriptions by God's grace through Christ Jesus helping me: first, the salad! Lettuce & cucumbers have the same "base" green, BUT lettuce has a more SATURATED color-taste, OF that lighter green? And the cucumber has that SUPER unique, mellow-bitter DARK GREEN skin! The carrots are sweeter in little strips than as whole bits, probably due to oxidizing, too!-- and the cabbage has SUCH a unique taste (not as "radish-biting" as I thought!) AND texture-- slightly "rubbery" but crisp & cool! And the tomatoes are FIRMER than grapes, with firmer skin, and more juice but also less-jelly insides? AND, they DO have the same base 'tartness,' but their sweetness is NOTABLY of the 'vegetable' sort. I wonder what the specific cause of that is! I'll find out in time & study. ♥ As for the dressing? I DO love it!! ♥ Ignore any lies that say otherwise! It is mostly vinegar-taste, which is a TOTALLY unique acidity-- I compared data!-- but it also has the smoothing affect of soy oil, the sweet kiss of sugar, and the other little flavor additions of spices-- which I sadly forgot to check! Ah well. Vinegar DOES taste sharp amber-yellow anyhow, but this one IS mellowed wonderfully by the oil & sugar-- and, as always, it's GREAT as a unitive & zip-lifter on the salad! ♥ The swiss cheese is NOT salty-- it's milky & creamy but with that slight mold-bitter bit, and there's a SLIGHT hard-firm "skin" to the top of it? And in mouthfeel, it's SO smooth, but "fuller" than yogurt, thicker in density; it's not sticky like the orange kinds, OR as soft as the cream & cottage cheeses. I legit LOVE IT now. ♥ The egg tastes SUPER DIFFERENT when compared to the archetypal "eggy" taste it has when scrambled or omelette-d or otherwise added to other foods, which MIGHT have to do with the fact that THIS one was cooked with the SHELL ON!! The yolk is still dry in taste & "mouthgrip," turning surprisingly dense but supersoft in mouthfeel, tone that duller yellow... but the whites? Their taste, like this, is... intuitively feminine? I have NO words to describe it, other than "it TASTES like you'd expect something with an EGG'S FUNCTION (birth!) to taste!" It's GOOD, honestly; it's a little humbling, even, in that awe-recognition... it's just SO unique. I'll continue to enrich data for it, especially tomorrow. ♥ And the TURKEY tastes a LOT like chicken, but it's saltier, moister, pinker, AND closer in texture to the TENDERS-- it's super soft, almost falling apart when you cut it! AND? When you add pepper and a tad of table salt, it DOES taste a lot like the sausage-- just brighter with water, and minus the darker oil-heat tastes! But yeah, LEGIT similarity. That was cool. ♥ Next? The chocolate Ensure tastes like OVALTINE, essentially!! It IS that salted edge tone! I'll compare it further on Tuesday-- tonight I gotta put SOLID LOVE (through God!) back into the vanilla trio! So pray for the softness & openness of my heart, in Him. ♥
But for now, lastly we have the apple pie & cranberry juice-- the apple in the juice is similar to the apples in the pie (which STILL have a GREENISH crisp-water-tint!! pie apples ARE firmer than softer, sweeter yellow ones!) due to the added cranberry tartness, BUT! The filling-syrup is SWEET with corn-syrup warn-tone AND CINNAMON!! ♥ And the crust is SOFTER than the PopTart, and more "floury" in taste, BUT really close! Its mouthfeel is also softer, AND it's lovely with the filling, all united & golden-brown & sweet. ♥ Lastly? Butter on the roll top DOES warm its "burnt brown" to a gentler taste, BUT we'll get better data on that on Tuesday or Friday-- for now, I just savored that last bite, all cream & salt & sweet doughy-dense dinner roll. ♥ It's so precious, that single bite... God's blessings abound even in the tiniest things. ♥

3PM Snack= for further healing of (lying!) "hesitant avoidance" AND boosting of friendly solidarity, I chose a chocolate chip NuGo! ♥ And although eating in such close social quarters is TERRIFYING yet... the bar was/ is innocent! And I was thankful for her, and I enjoyed her chocolate-crisp sweetness as much as I could muster. ♥ I'll carry her with me.

Dinner= GOD BLESS SALMON SUNDAY!!! ♥ And God also bless the broccoli, baked potato, butter pat, vanilla Magic Cup, vanilla soymilk, and vanilla Ensure! ♥ EVERY SINGLE BIT of this meal was LOVED & CHERISHED. ♥ And that was 100% THANKS TO GOD!!! ♥ Seriously, in light of how MOST Sunday dinners have been shockingly minimally documented in these journals, and how my empathy-worry had me worried about THIS dinner specifically, I legit prayed ALL AFTERNOON for God's help & healing, in not only the meal itself but ALSO the emotional struggles & distorted thought processes that LED to such concern... and, mercifully, beautifully, He LISTENED... and He RESPONDED with more sheer love & peace & blessings than I EVER could have imagined. But God is like that. ♥ Infinite, ineffably, heart-burstingly jubilant & miraculous GOOD, eternally. ♥ And so!! This Sunday dinner was a FITTING "Sunday dinner," (again) thank God! I started with the beloved vanilla trio-- and yes, it is ALL beloved!! ESPECIALLY the Magic Cup-- which had briefly become a "hesitation," unfortunately tied to regrets, BUT!! God breaks ALL shackles!!! ♥ And now the MC is FREE in love once again-- and THANK GOD, because not only is their texture STILL absolutely divine-- thicker than pudding, heavier than cream, and similar in base mouthfeel to my dear Yoplait-- it tastes like LEGIT BOSTON CREME. I KID YOU NOT, it's WONDERFUL. ♥ And the soymilk, as always, was a lovely mild cake-vanilla tofu-neutral flavor, contrasting the Ensure's thick, comforting neutral-tone sweetness? There's something really nice about the "latte-tone vanilla" taste it has-- and which, still, I can't compare to ANYTHING but the bread pudding and maybe actual non-french vanilla pudding and MAYBE a Borders chai latte (no surprise)... but! Time will tell! For now, the TRUE victory is that ALL THERE of 'em have SOLID ACCESSIBLE DATA now, for taste, tone, AND texture. ♥ So now I can focus on anchoring in the OTHER Ensures! ♥ Next up today was the BAKED POTATO. And today, it was harder on one half, so there was BONUS comparison data! First, butter on the potato is actually very calm a taste! The butter IS still mellow-rich and yellow-warm with salt-glow & creamy oil tones, but, unlike the "lighter, playful" tone of the sweeter dinner roll, although STILL gentle, the potato is EARTHY and so the butter acts on that grounding anchor like... an inner glow? It STAYS earthed, but now there's this strong yet serene luminance around it. It's lovely. As for the potato itself, there's a vague "greenish" tinge-tone to the harder bits? Likely due to "non-cooked" freshness; living plant foods often have green or blue tones to 'em-- unsurprisingly! They aren't "farinaceous" like the potato salad ones, though: red little potatoes have different data! Brown ones have earth-tasting skins, thin but richly textured, and "stiff-starchy" insides? ESPECIALLY that harder half; the knife struggled to split it, despite the potato's dry-moist texture making it "fall apart" when you tried to cut the white part further But it was lovely, all of it. ♥ It has a much more neutral flavor & drier texture & stiffer mouthfeel than the fries/ squares, even with the butter, but again-- totally loveable as-is, and I did. ♥ And that BROCCOLI!! The stems were soft-firm-- two of 'em softer & yellow-greener than usual, like the soup ones!-- and sweet and wet & lovely, but those TOPS!! They were so beautifully BUTTERY!! ♥ Oh man, did I ever savor THOSE! Also, I think the tops DO have a slight dark green taste tone? It's hard to tell with the uplifting-warming tone butter/ salt glow! But we will, in time. ♥ Now, lastly, and most blessedly today... our beloved Sunday salmon. And today, for the FIRST TIME, I actually GOT DATA FOR IT!!! ♥ It's NOT fishy-- it actually tastes really similar to CHICKEN?? Similar texture, too! But it does have that fishy fall-to-chunks-when-you-cut-it quality; unlike land meat, which is denser & tends to stay in one piece (UNLESS it's really moist)-- fish, being moist AND differently structured, is easily pulled apart! Which is cool. And that particular "salmon pink" color has a LOVELY taste-- it's sweeter but also a tad heavier than chicken? And there IS a very vague "fish" tone deep down, now that I think about it, BUT it's more noticeable on the grayer parts.

8PM Snack= two bags of plain Sun Chips and one bag of DORITOS!!! It's about time I locked in their healing, too, after all. ♥

May. 27th, 2017 09:30 am = trust God's Word in your HEART. ♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, a blueberry PopTart, a strawberry PopTart, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, and earl grey tea. The raisins taste a lot like grapes that, again, have been left out to get warm-- they start to soften& sweeten, and THAT taste is clear in the raisins-- BUT the raisins also still have that surprisingly tart undertone-- a red-violet taste? No... it's like a plum, like a banana heart; NOT an apricot or peach, NOT a sour apple... it's the tartness IN a red grape skin-- there's an inherent sweet-sugar tone to it! And THAT (red-violet) is effectively the color-- deep blue-purple-ish, but with a reddish glow? The BASE is CERISE!! THAT'S the taste of that tart-tone: the blush on a plum, the deep hue of raspberry! And, like those two fruits, there IS sweetness over it-- but ALL of a different color!! For raisins, that sweetness is the deep bluish-purple shade of figs & grapes & plum skins-- maybe even eggplant! It's a specific taste and I GET it, and that's what it is. ♥ Oh, and there's a similarity to brown-sweet, which I think ALL FRUITS can become with enough oxidation? And THAT'S the densely sweet taste, like in dates & dried figs & browned apples & plums & even grapes! We learn every day. ♥ ALSO! That super-sweet IS embraced & soothed out wider & beautifully by the oats! ♥ That gentle brown neutral base, as always, is a "grounding" anchor that decreases the sharpness of any overwhelming flavor-- just like the flour-biscuit part of the PopTarts! AND! Today I was shocked to find that they taste similar to the dinner roll?? I'm serious! It's almost the same light-doughy taste & kiss of salt, but with the subtlest white sugar lift. (I wonder if adding a nip of sugar to a roll would make it taste like a PopTart biscuit?) I really love it. The icing is PURE white-sugar sparkle, and that biscuit carries its clarity beautifully well-- the bright white against the calm brown is a perfect match-- but! The bright-colored, similarly bright-sweet filling is too sweet, once I eat most of the biscuit alone! Now I know; there are DIFFERENT sorts of unity, and I've been disrupting that one. Now that I can see so, AND appreciate their INTENDED symphonic interplay & cooperation-- yes, even PopTarts are songs! God is Present in ALL ITS PARTS too,remember!! ♥-- I CAN and WILL actively love & respect it AS a proper whole from now on. ♥ As for the filling, the data from last week is still legit! The blueberry is that happy-sweet-serene indigo-purple, and the strawberry is the same bright happy sweet red as the sundae syrup, but maybe a tad less tart? It's a tint lighter, I think, from the sugar crystals. Brighter, less 'heavy red.' But, as always, lovely. ♥ As for our morning vanillas? On their own, I keep trying to solidify the tastes-- soymilk all light & cake-sweet & tofu beneath, beautiful; and Ensure all thickly creamy with a neutral tone and vanilla-chai-esque taste that STILL evades solid description-- but, I must apologize from the bottom of my heart today, as I have NO data for either, or mixed. The enemy tried to hurt me during this meal, BUT! I reminded myself that he's a LIAR, and GOD HAS ALREADY WON. I survived, but I was wounded, and I have atoning-rehealing to do now... but I ALSO know that God IS using that FOR His Greater Good Glory AND the continuing growth in holiness of my soul-- because now, its "soil" has some Good fertilizer to strengthen those seeds of courage, patience, forgiveness, mercy, hope, faith, gratitude, wisdom, and many others! ♥ NOW I can more strongly put my healing heart light INTO PRACTICE!!! ♥ Through God's Grace, I will and CAN rise from this fearlessly, and painlessly, releasing ALL lies of anxiety & demon-forced bitterness, removing ALL those empty (!) obstacles placed between me & Love, the Love of God in AND for ALL His Creation-- which CANNOT BE STOPPED!!! ♥ And, oh, what awestruck blissful reverent humility I feel, what holy-fear and holy-love, to REALIZE and DECLARE that, ESPECIALLY in this Cope journey, GOD has CALLED ME TO TESTIFY TO THAT UNSTOPPABLE LOVE, by LIVING and SHOWING and FEELING that love FOR EVERYTHING "HURTING" HERE. Is there a food that has had ANY pain or fear or anger or distrust PROJECTED onto it by the evil one, by sin's false confusion? HEAL IT, THROUGH ACTIVELY RECOGNIZING AND HONORING AND LOVING GOD IN IT, THROUGH HIS LOVE IN ME! Mutual awareness of GOD, of His PERPETUAL, UNSHAKEABLE GOODNESS!!! ♥ And so I will, at EVERY meal, with His Grace, for His sake!!! ♥ THAT is my deepest purpose here. THAT is my REAL "treatment goal," one that will flourish infinitely IN/ THROUGH His infinite Love, until the day I die and eternally after. ♥ Now, before we close for now, the raisins & oatmeal together? True love. ♥ That wholesome humble oaty base embraces the sweetly tart-glow raisins SO perfectly! Next time, RESPECT that union and DON'T pick them out-- that's VERY unkind, to separate them after bringing them together! I wholeheartedly apologize; I love them and WILL show that more completely in my actions from now on. ♥ The oatmeal's soft-lump, slightly-sticky (without "sticking") creamy-but-porridgey texture is beautiful; I love every bite, every time. And that Earl Grey? Still as dashing as ever! ♥ I can't get over how cool that citrus-peel kick is. I gotta learn how to describe it better, for love's sake of conscious gratitude... and with time, I WILL! ♥ Promise!

Lunch= grilled chicken w/ lettuce & tomato on a wheat bun, broccoli cheese soup w/ carrots & onion, strawberry Ensure, and a strawberry syrup mini-sundae. I warmed up the sundae on the lid AND the soup, so I could eat it first, WITH the Ensure for comparison! The syrup is still the lovely rich-red sweet, slightly lighter than the Nutrigrain & slightly darker than the PopTart, and I swear-- if they could make raisin-like strawberries, they'd probably taste close! But the syrup tastes strongly of corn-syrup sugar, which is NOTABLY different than fruit sugar. I do love it though. And, the Ensure is NOT red, it's STILL pink in flavor, BUT!! Deep down, that flavor of "strawberry JEL syrup" is CLOSE? And, mixed with the purely white, cream-kissed sweet gentle flavor & texture of the ice cream, all soft & yet creamy in density, a tad thicker than the soymilk... mixed into that pinkish color itself-- though the Ensure has a SLIGHT lean towards blue, I think? But I KNOW it's not so saturated, either-- it's a dustier pink. And its sugar taste is different, too-- which, I assume, is from the LACK of tart? Not sure! I'd need to compare them again for data to stick-- plus, cold ice cream is hard to truly interpret! But if not Monday, we'll try again next weekend! ♥ As for the soup, I paid special attention to it, and guess what? It DOESN'T taste like sliced cheese! It's amber, like the burger kind, BUT it's not salty OR "fatty!" It's LIGHT, almost soymilk consistency? It's mostly milk, I'd say. It's nice! And, actually, that milky tone is EMPHASIZED by the heat! ♥ It's NOT salty, either-- which, again, is perfect, to not overpower the vegs. The carrot bits are surprisingly firm & fresh, and leaning vermilion in their saturated deep hue-- they're like CARROT SOUP color, AND taste, but a tad less heat-sweet! These STILL have a little but of fresh-bright watertone to 'em. The ONIONS have that sweeter 'cooked' flavor, though-- and it's hard to catch, as they're so sparse & tiny! But they're the PERFECT little flavor accent to ALL the other ingredients; onions are blessedly versatile like that, it seems. ♥ I'll have to make a list! As for the broccoli? There is an unmistakable flavor to broccoli cooked THAT much-- dimmed to a desaturated, chartreuse-leaning green (celery color??), and softened to have no remaining fiber-resistance, its texture in that regard something totally unique: same with the taste! I can't find any comparisons, and won't waste time trying-- suffice to say, it is beloved as-is, and my heart KNOWS its flavor, THROUGH loving attention. Sometimes, data has no words that can encapsule it. God's gifts are ALL tiny tastes of HIS indescribable Goodness, after all-- it's not surprising that, LITERALLY, if we had NO OTHER data TO describe things by/ with/ against, we would ALWAYS be rendered speechless-- literally AND metaphorically. ♥ AND, most importantly? That recognition DEMANDS that we pay CONSTANT LOVING ATTENTION in order to really "get" or "understand" ANYTHING-- because the SPIRIT (of GOD!!) is what understands-- and He speaks and listens BOTH through our HEARTS, NOT our HEADS!! So let THAT be our true "new" treatment goal/ purpose, too-- to eat IN SPIRIT, praying in & through Love for God TO give us the Grace TO do so... and then, to just surrender to His infinite wisdom & love & knowledge & joy! He MADE all this food, after all-- if ANYONE can get "clear data" on it, it's Him!! ♥ So stop trying so hard; stop worrying, stop being obsessive, let go... and let GOD. ♥ Simple as that! AND, ON THAT EXACT NOTE... WE HAVE A CHICKEN BUN. With vegetables! And it was BEAUTIFUL. Today, the WHOLE BUN was soft with heat & tomato moisture-- I put vegs on BOTH sides of the chicken!-- and that made it SO SWEET and good, actually getting mushy in some areas, which actually tasted GREAT-- it was MORE unitive, and easier to taste with the other ingredients-- sometimes the dryness can be overpowering IN its neutrality! But either way, it is ultimately perfect, as God orchestrated. ♥ The lettuce was BEAUTIFULLY green-tasting today, lifting up its cousin grains in the bun, and adding a unique complement to the sweet, white, juicy, fat & herb-kissed chicken... it WASN'T oily, OR salty, except at the fatty tips, and that mildness of taste SOARED with the herbs (their precious supportive purpose!) AND sang with the sweet, slightly peach-tart tomatoes-- SO well, it was gorgeous-- and THEY harmonized with their sister lettuce, AND lent their sweet song to the equally-harmonious bun, red & light brown & white & crisp green... all together? Oh, God made it SO GOOD!! ♥ A brightly colored, overflowingly beautiful, gorgeous little package of joyous Creation art. ♥ God bless it!!! ♥

3PM Snack= That's right, God has given me now a BONUS 15m opportunity to heal snack foods & love them ever more deeply, and His timing was, as always, PERFECT today-- because I had a BLUEBERRY POP TART!!! ♥ I TOLD you He'd bring utmost Good out of breakfast's stumble!!! All praise & Glory to HIM-- to the Lord of LOVE!! And SO I was able to love, again♥, this dear little treat back to healed embracing Wholeness. The sprinkles on top are a RAINBOW-- red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, pink-- and the filling is COLORED PURPLE!!! Like LEGIT purple, NOT bluish! I was surprised-- but it makes sense; that supersweet "burn" pushes it OUT of bluer tones towards the sweet of pink AND the zip of violet! But the taste fits, all crystal-berry goodness. ♥ OH-- and I DID eat it entire! However I had SOME biscuit alone, on the thick ends... and it tastes like the PIE CRUST. I kid you not!! It's just a little firmer, not "lard soft," but the flour-oil-salt-sugar taste core is the same! Thank You, God, for this gift! ♥

Dinner= breaded chicken tenders, french fries, strawberry yogurt, fig newtons, & vanilla Ensure. I went into this meal with a Eucharistic-love-full heart, and EVERY BITE was precious & loved. ♥ AND perfectly timed! Starting with the Newtons, I ate them complete, enjoying their lovely taste & feel as such... the little popping-crisp seeds, the sweet brown sugar-tart fruit taste, still hinting at deep purple in its heart, the flour softening its impact like an embrace and tasting a little like the poptart minus the salt, BUT with the SAME mouthfeel almost... I really enjoyed it. ♥ Maybe one day I'll compare it TO a PopTart at snack; clarify that further! But until then, its floury-fruitsweet data is lovely as is. OH!! I was ALSO mentally comparing its taste to RAISIN filling data, like in pastries-- there is a MARKED difference, but I can't quite describe it? The figs are a lighter hue, somehow, or something? There's a variation in the sour-sweet tone, slight but unmistakable when you catch it... oh boy, I can't wait to "get" that clarity in time. ♥ The joy of CLEAR discovery, of knowledge of such uniqueness, is really blissful. ♥ Speaking of! I had the strawberry yogurt for the first time in 3 weeks, and it is GORGEOUS!!! ♥ The texture is SO BEAUTIFUL I could legit cry from awe & gratitude-- it's FROTHY THICK in mouthfeel, AND CULTURED, and so delicately sweet-- NOT sugary!! It's the palest rosy pink, sprinkled with strawberry bright-red bits, AND actual fruit bits that TASTE LIKE LEGIT FRUIT, not the dessert kind!! I think the texture is because there's GELATIN in this one, too-- not just our versatile buddy corn starch! But yeah. It's so light & pure, in color & taste, but that TEXTURE...!!! It's straight-up a gift from God, 100%. I can't wait to try the peach again! ♥ I just wish we had MORE flavors to love here-- ah well; if we don't, I'll just love 'em later on. ♥ Promise. Just like I'll continue to love FRENCH FRIES & CHICKEN TENDERS because WOW DUDE, this dinner gets better EVERY week!! ♥ The fries DON'T taste like pierogi, or instant mashed potatoes, OR the baked potato-- THEY TASTE LIKE THE SAUTEED ONES! Well, without the paprika, obviously! But it's the EXACT TEXTURE, inside! And visually? It's REALLY cool-- almost looking like the crumbcake-texture? It's AIRY! And yet it has SUCH a gorgeous mouthfeel, especially with the oil that turns its outside golden and firm but NOT crispy-- the best fries BEND but don't break, and are STILL golden! But the little pointy-end hard fries are WONDERFUL, too-- they remind me, in their firm "giving" texture, of the stiff pierogi shells, just with an obviously different texture, all fried-tough but not "brittle"; hard in a little way, but soft under your teeth. And they're JUST a tad "salty," but it's such a natural saltiness, possibly from the oil maybe, that quite frankly I might even be mistaken! Maybe it's just that rich, buttery-gold oil taste that I'm confusing as salt. We'll check on Monday! ♥ But really, I did the "smile at the taste" thing with these fries, AND that yogurt... AND the chicken! ♥ They have MORE than pepper on them-- there's what looks like oregano? And POSSIBLY little red nips of chili powder/ pepper? Not sure! But they do have a lovely "heat" to them. AND. Their mouthfeel is DIVINE. ♥ The chicken is the same color & look as lunch, BUT! It's SO SOFT; it practically melts in your mouth. And that BREADING. MAN. It's texture is mainly oil-soft, moist but crisp on top, and wet where it meets the chicken-- it reminds me of BOTH the cod breading (but NOT salty, and NOT that mushy), and the stuffing on Tuesday (but, again, NOT salty or mushy OR sticky) in terms of that wet texture? OH-- but more than anything, it's like the MONDAY CHICKEN!! That breading is SUPER close, BUT! This one is differently spiced, and just a little "tougher" & crispier at the ends? It's more of a CRUMB breading; THAT summarizes it well! ♥ And it's not salty. I can't wait until Monday to compare the two again more clearly now, seriously! But back to that mouthfeel-- it's lovely. The chicken is SO soft that it practically merges with the breading-- unlike the burger at lunch, where their textures are too vastly different to meld so literally (but they aren't meant to-- THEIR beauty lies in their harmonizing IN that differentness! ♥). And texture-wise, it's not sticky like the stuffing, smoother than the roll, thicker than rice, but not farinaceous or as smooth as mashed potatoes... AND, its base feel is dry?? Like, FEEL wise, NOT literally?? If "dry" was a taste, this would be it-- BUT there is moisture in the breading AND chicken, making it so soft but NOT mushy or spongy! Dude I just LOVE this dinner. ♥ I gotta learn how to make my OWN fries & tenders when I'm on my own-- and try hard to actually make 'em TASTIER than these-- although I can't imagine how, considering how BLESSEDLY GOOD these always are! THANK YOU, GOD!!! ♥

Snack= two plain Sun Chips (my warm & wholesome miracle friends), and-- in loving solidarity with Carol-- a mint chocolate NuGo bar! ♥ It tasted beautiful; delicate but genuine mint over smooth-matte sweet chocolate AND beautifully cocoa-y, slightly salty crispy soy... I'm SO glad she enjoyed her first try, too. ♥

May. 26th, 2017 09:30 am = week six begins! let's make it the BRIGHTEST-HEARTED WEEK YET!!! ♥ remember: in EVERY moment, EVERY choice, you can either testify TO GOD, or not. BE GOOD!!!

Breakfast= an orange, orange juice, earl grey tea, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, my fave bacon egg & cheese English muffin, and a strawberry Nutrigrain bar. That bar was a big surprise-- I haven't had one with THIS breakfast in three weeks! BUT, it was a bonus blessing, because the strawberry kind wasn't "fully healed" in that it had NO beneficial data recorded in its two tries BEFORE that hiatus. But, God's timing is perfect-- because Now, I have alternate strawberry data AND solid flour data TO comprehend it with!! ♥ The flour was mostly oats, with the same "enriched" taste as the Fig Newtons' wheat flour, BUT less "crumbly" in a dry way-- due to more oil AND the oat content, it still crumbles, but it's a softer, "moister" dry crumb, and it practically FALLS apart! But the taste is extremely similar at heart-- this just has that particular oat tone added. And the filling? It tastes like the SUNDAE SYRUP! It's not "dessert strawberry," nor is it as sweet & "bright" as the Pop Tart-- this is darker, CLEARER red, like gelly glass; it vaguely reminded me of the cherry pie jel, but ONLY in texture-- that stuff leans too pink! THIS is SOLID RED, and it's actually WONDERFUL. I... I actually really like that glass-dark-red taste. It's sweet but firm-hearted, courageous but gentle, deep with purpose but silently strong. It's RED, but sweet. It's SO unique... it's so close to how my heart feels. I'm just less potently sugary! But that's perfectly OK for the bar-- that's what the flour's oat-wheat-mildly-sweet softness is meant to smooth & anchor out! ♥ So yes, I LIKE the strawberry Nutrigrains, sincerely. ♥ Happy rebirthday to you. ♥ Next! The orange and the carton-orange juice! The juice is surprisingly tart compared to the fresh fruit; there ISN'T a peel taste to it either! It's a purely rich orange taste-- a darker saturation than the actual fruit, in visual color too, I think? No-- that's what's so odd! The juice is more AMBER than the fruit! It leans yellow, almost? Dude that is a HUGE perception correction-- I was letting the vermilion-lean orange of the CARTON influence the REAL taste & color!! DUDE! Now THAT'S a shockingly effective example of color psychology!! Well then, at lunch, I'll just have to put 'em in CUPS and compare it to APPLE-- so the green of THAT carton doesn't skew things either! Man oh man, we are learning today! And yes, same for the legit orange-- ITS juice IS clear orange, being sweeter and yet still that vivid bright hue-- but, shockingly, I DON'T recall a tartness to it at ALL!! So THAT'S interesting. Also? The RIND is SWEET, TOO-- NOT BITTER!! There's still the orange-oil sweetbitter taste, but yeah-- by & large, the orange was NOT in the least bit acidic! I wonder if that varies between fruits, or orange 'species'? Hm! Either way, eating the juicy-clear-clean inner fruit-- all bursting fragile-skinned sections of water-fresh orange clarity-- with that surprisingly sweet but white-pulp softened peel (and yes, that pulp was neutral-fruitsweet too, with a hint of orange oil), tasted almost like a dessert. It was wondrous. I took my time and treasured it-- as I also did with the MUFFIN! ♥ That soft, sourdough-bittersweet neutrality of it is SUCH a blessing, and it DOES sing with the salty-rich burgundy of the bacon! The EGG was a beautifully clear tone today, too-- the white a perfectly "eggy" (like the subtle tone over the French toast!) base for the cheese, neutral pal to the muffin, and fat-highlighting salt-mellowing complement to the bacon, and its yolky part was a COMPLEMENT to the MUFFIN, a taste-partner to the cheese, and a unique anchor to the bacon! The cheese, of course, loves to sing with the english muffins and their unique, non-floury taste (really; the fermentation makes it DIFFERENT? I need better data on it on Sunday! ♥)... and the bacon really DOES harmonize wonderfully with it all! ♥ Also, I got a clearer taste of the fat of it today, and it's uniquely stretchy... it's SOFT but firm, not hard or "tendon-y or rubbery, even... it's nice! It's a creamy brown-red-purple tone... super pale maroon? No clue yet! But I do like it. More to treasure next week-- and, yes, the bacon itself still has that dark reddish-pink, brown-accent Easter ham taste, BUT darker IN that pinkish-red... minus the water, plus the salt. Meat tastes red, BUT! Cooking tastes BROWN?? And frying with oil "mellows" it, because oil & fat are actually NEUTRALS-- white in tone! And THAT'S what the base is for the bacon fat, tinted by the meat's burgundy-maroon hue! ♥ So much cool stuff. But yeah, I need to "draw up" the color schemes of these meals-- not only will they look gorgeous, but they'll TEACH ME how to "paint" that way! ♥ (11:11 right now;hold on to that God-directed love/ joy/ gratitude/ hope/ purpose!! ♥) Lastly? The soymilk is STILL shockingly "light" & water-fluid, yet still lightly creamy, and tastes EVER more notably of cake-vanilla AND gentle neutral tofu white-silkiness. BUT! The Ensure was QUITE thick in comparison, densely so, NOT "blended"... there's like, no watery-ness to it! THAT'S why it's different from shakes & smoothies-- it has a SYRUP base flow, BUT as cream?? And it was ROOM TEMP today! ♥ There's an oddly coffee-chai taste, deep down... and that banana taste? It's COOKED banana taste! It's a browned, CARMELIZED sweet tone!!! PROGRESS! ♥ We'll check again at dinner-- but there's one more thing! Earl Grey! Now THAT has the "bitter orange" taste, that citrus-base non-tart bit OVER the bitter black tea-- and it's an amber glow grey tone! ♥

Lunch= apple juice, orange juice, vanilla Ensure, a brownie, broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, and potato-encrusted cod! This is SUCH a good lunch-- but it is so tight on time!! I did it, though! ♥ Now, to start, I DID put the juices in cups & compared them-- and they are the SAME COLOR. I kid you not. The apple is clear-amber & water-fluid, & the orange is opaque amber, with little bubbles around the edge, and slightly heavier than water, but legit the SAME hue. PLUS? There's a FLAVOR similarity, too, as far as that is concerned! Specifically, though, the orange tastes more like the harder sections at the stem-nub area? Where it's less juicy, and firmer, and usually a bit bitter. THAT'S what it's closest to-- especially when cold! Surprisingly, colder OJ tastes MORE like the real fruit. I wonder why? Maybe the "fresh" vibe boost that coolness gives? Because it DOES affect fresh fruit the same way-- the warmer a fruit gets, the more it tastes like its separately-sold juice! Which applies to the apple-- it tastes like the juice of an apple that has been sitting out for a while. Like, it's nearing pie-apple base-sweetness. OXIDATION!!! There we go!! ♥ As for the brownie, the flaky top is SO nicely brittle-soft, but THICKER than the boxed kind-- there's more sugar in it plus flour? It's nice! The chocolate chips are still solid-smooth & cool & firm, breaking so beautifully clean, and the brownie itself is SUPER DENSE and moist with cocoa and butter and TANGIBLE white-sugar crystals! ♥ It just takes a WHILE to eat, as you REALLY have to chew it! Also, the bottom is super moist, like the bread pudding bottom-- if said pudding was stiff with flour & butter & sugar! Nevertheless, it was lovely as always. The rice pilaf DOES have an amber-toned light brown taste? It's NOT yellow; it's too buttery-warm? Not oily! But the rice IS very salty-- although that, too, is warm salt-- NOT sharp white, but rounded and (again) amber-ish. I'm still learning that color! As for mouthfeel? It's smoother & lighter than potatoes, and nothing like flour in that respect, either-- BUT! It's ALMOST as soft & "humbly plain" a texture & taste as the LASAGNA NOODLES! It has a bit of "grain-wholesome" tone, making it off-white, and the chew IS a tad firmer, but with almost no resistance. Surprisingly close, though! I always enjoy it. But yes; it has a SUPER mellow-yellow-amber flavor punch over that bed of pale, almost-white brown base flavor. The broccoli was less vivid green than usual, being softer & leaning olive, but it's still bright & happy with water & plant-stem sweetness, AND the crowns have that extra, sunny-clear kiss of butter! It actually tastes BETTER when the broccoli is cold-- that's a vegetable's natural temperature, after all! But the tops are so soft, a tad less sweet than the stems, but still tasting of vegetable water optimism & the gentle-wide smile of the butter it carries ever so kindly. Next, the dinner roll! The crust-top is browner because it TASTES "browned"!! It's a HEAT-brown taste! Slightly "burned" deep down. Not bad, just different. But the roll itself is still doughy-fresh & light & airy but NOT dense or oily like pastry!! AND not as super-airy & light as fresh bread, OR as uniformly medium-dense as sliced bread! It's fresher & slightly salty and, really, so lovely flour-sweet. And with a DOUBLE-butter punch, that creamy-heavy salty taste makes that floury sweetness even sweeter & more wholesome in contrast-- AND that yellow tone warms it right up, just as if you brushed some over the top before baking it-- which, I think, would PREVENT the "burn" undertone... OR affect it in such a way as to make it taste NICE!! I'll try that next time! OH-- and the Ensure? I compared it to the brownie... and minus the cocoa, IT'S A SHOCKINGLY CLOSE MATCH! The sugar & butter tone, with the flour even maybe, was like... almost the exact tone holding the vanilla. Sweet-salt & rich cream. I can't wait to add this discovery to what we learn from DINNER! ♥ And, lastly beloved, my dear potato cod. The fish itself has a beautiful texture-- actually somewhat rubber-feeling, and not "mushing" in the mouth, but staying slightly "muscle-fibrous," and SO beautifully full of water & river-fish flavor. It's a PURE white meat taste, light & sweet & clean, and it is so soft and YET! The potato coating lifts it up out of such quiet crystalline-smile meekness, and fills it with warmth & sunlight & strength & friendly push! ♥ They're SOFT, like french fry potato, but they stick together more, suggesting a unity with FLOUR! And the tops is blissfully golden-browned, with little rectangular potato strips and a dusting of HERBS that I can't quite place yet because there's also the bright yellow-amber zing of SALT! In those golden-browned, off-white rich potatoes, slightly acrid from the fish AND their own potato heart-taste, I would assume... the salt makes it sing with the delicate fish, and that PAIRING of color, and blessed TEXTURE...!!! Dude I need 20 minutes to savor it next week; God gives me such joyous-heart bliss with this meal. Thank You, THANK You, Lord!! ♥

Dinner= a cheeseburger on white w/ lettuce & tomato, COTTAGE CHEESE, strawberry cream cake, cut peaches w/ syrup, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, & one ketchup packet. First things first-- the ketchup is TOO ACIDIC to really work well with anything, for me-- it's totally overpowering. BUT! I'm sure if I had more time to spend with it, I would 100% love it too, as it was meant to be used. ♥ But condiments aren't wise here, so I just ask for forgiveness & grace to love regardless and I will continue onwards! Now, I DID try the ketchup with the cottage cheese, but it was too potent over its mildness, and one taste isn't enough to get a grip on heavy flavor anyway. But! The TOMATO was nice, albeit a tad too light-- again, grape tomatoes would be ideal-- it probably would've benefited immensely by adding lettuce! I'll try that next week. BUT! I ALSO compared a peach to the tomato-- they DO have a similar 'tartness,' BUT the tomato is almost dessert-sweet in comparison! AND, I tried a peach with the CHEESE-- and THAT was perfect!! ♥ It's a richer color complement, all saturated amber, AND the acidity was a PERFECT harmony to the dairy-lightness! Next week I'll try a bigger bite of that, too. ♥ Alone, the cottage cheese isn't really salty at all; it's cheesy, sure, but mildly milky mostly, and CURDLED! THAT gives it the pure, non-salty cheese taste that I love! Plus, it's still slightly tacky in mouthfeel, but it's NOT sticky or dense or heavy-- it's quite light & creamy, but not flowy. Lovely, though. ♥ And the peaches alone? Very tart, quite firm, and DELICIOUS. ♥ I love peaches, dude. These have a slightly apricot-ish taste,though? Probably FROM the added acid! So that's cool. AND, they're sitting in WHITE GRAPE JUICE w/ some corn syrup to thicken it... and yes, it tastes like grapes. "Duh," maybe, but AMAZING to be able to SPECIFICALLY tell! ♥ AND there was a very RAISIN-like taste, too, from the corn syrup sweetness and peach tartness! ♥ So that was 100% wonderful. Next discovery? The strawberry cream cake-- which, cake-wise, DOES taste like the soymilk-- just on top of the flour base, and with a buttery yellow overtone! (The Ensure DOESN'T match? Different sweet-tone; not so bright!) It's moister & denser in "crumb" than the chocolate cake-- it's hard to crumble, as its so moist-- and has a thicker, denser mouthfeel; airier than the roll, drier and lighter than the stuffing... and MOISTER than the "crumbcake-esque" lightness of a sheer cake, from what I recall. But, eaten as a WHOLE UNIT (♥), it blends with the cream & berries so beautifully; it reminds me of church picnic strawberry shortcake? But PINK, not red!! The fruit's dessert-sweet has just enough fruit-tart to complement the sugars of both, and the pink-strawberry taste is LOVELY with the light vanilla cake. And the cream? IT IS LITERALLY BUTTER WITHOUT ANY SALT!!! Yes, THAT'S the base taste of LEGIT CREAM!! ♥ It's NOT sweet like the bread pudding's; it has the vaguest touch of sugar, but it's miniscule--the cream's rich, neutral fat quality SOOTHES the sugar-tastes and ENRICHES the vanilla and HIGHLIGHTS the berries! It's BEAUTIFUL. ♥ I really love this cake, thank you God. Lastly, let me just mention that I mixed half the soymilk w/ half the Ensure as I didn't have enough cups... and the guilt blocked my taste data. I apologize sincerely... and now? I'm motivated to atone for that careless disrespect by trying again at breakfast! ♥ THEN I'll give you the data, AND apply it to what I remember of the cake's data, too! ♥ But before we do that, we have a CHEESEBURGER to sing about!! ♥ There is just something so special about how all those flavors harmonize together... I just looked at it for a while, in grateful awe, seeing all those clear colors & textures...! That ALWAYS fills me with reverence for God, who INVENTED taste & color for His (literal) sake... it is only right to praise Him by respecting & loving His Creation so. ♥ The "ham"-burger, browned & meaty-oilcrisp on top & lighter w/ touches of pink inside, AND tiny bits of clear fat, tastes beautifully of beef-- and bless those cows-- and is WONDERFUL with the amber warmth & salt of the cheese. Brown & amber play so well together like this! ♥ And that white bun? It, too, like the wheat one, hardens on top but gets "stuffing-sticky" in its wetter, doughier bottom half... and it just works so nicely as a base to that beef, without affecting the power-punch of the cheese-- AND that mildness ALSO acts as a sweet "canvas" for the jubilant, colorful fresh flavors & textures of the green-living lettuce & the sweet pink-red tomato! And dude, that LETTUCE is SO BEAUTIFUL with the beef-- earthy brown & spring green-- and the tomato with the cheese... this burger is a legit masterpiece. Thank You, God, FOR the existence of such masterpieces... AND for their POTENTIAL existence, through You! ♥

Snack= one cheddar Sun Chips & two plain Sun Chips! The cheddar are a VIVID dairy-orange taste, salty & rich & lovely, BUT! I still enjoy the plain ones just as dearly. ♥ And I love that warm, smooth, wholesome corn/ wheat/ oat/ rice blend. Every time, my love stands as an unfailing testament to healing-- through letting go of ALL obstacles. ♥

May. 25th, 2017 09:30 am = TENACIOUS THURSDAY! ♥ It's also ASCENSION THURSDAY, which is the BIGGEST and most BEAUTIFUL source of hope & purpose ANYONE could possibly hold on to today!!! ♥ Glory Be!! ♥

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, home-fried potato squares, two turkey sausage links, vanilla soymilk, strawberry Ensure, apple juice, & orange spice tea. Today, I have unfortunate news-- the tea DOESN'T taste like orange! It's heavily bitter, with a hint of "orange rind" to it maybe, but NO fruit taste. So I'm thankful I got to try it, but it's not for me. I drank the apple juice too cold to really re-grasp it today, but I noticed that it had a slight "bitter apple" taste, too? Like when you pick one off a tree at home! THAT sort of cold, autumny, neutral-sweet & slightly tart taste, with that tinge of a "harder smaller apple" bitter accent. Like how it tastes closer to the core, I'd say! But that was cool. I also drank the Strawberry Ensure all at once today-- I was a little depressed-distressed and I needed the pink-sweet-heavy comfort of it. Actually, that pink leans?? It's NOT the light pink of the yogurt, OR the cerise richness of cherry pie... it doesn't have the surprisingly "bluer" lean of the magic cup, OR that cotton-candy-bubblegum quality of heavy-impact, saturated-color sweet tone. The Ensure is like... red leaning?? Just a tad? It STILL tastes like Easter, more than anything, but NOT like the "Bonnie cake"-- that's too white, too pale a pink, too saturated & clear a tint!!! The Ensure is the COLOR of pink-toned white chocolate, too, and really I can't think of a better comparison. It's NOT cake-y; like I said yesterday, that's REALLY a reddish-tone pink, technically a cerise hue?? And too fruity. Not so the Ensure, which is sweet in a creamy way, but too thickly grounded to resemble ice cream. We'll get there! Also, I can't give you legit soymilk data because I put it IN the Ensure cup and it ended up TINGED with that pink-- so it LEGIT tasted like VANILLA CAKE... but with that pink-sweet tint and HOLD UP, I think maybe THAT tasted like the Bonnie cake!!! Dude I HAVE to double check that now; I never considered drinking half of each and THEN combining, and contrasting THAT new taste to BOTH!! ♥ Now THAT could be enlightening! So we'll try that! ♥ Next up for today's breakfast, we have the turkey sausages. I REALLY paid attention, and I GOT DATA!! ♥ They have PEPPER on them; I never noticed! They're also QUITE salty, but it's the "heated salt" taste that ISN'T sharp like dry white salt, but broader in flavor-width, and mellower? It's hard to tell, because there was ALSO a lot of oil taste! Clearly, too! And it had a nice neutral flavor-- probably canola-- that carried the salt well and enriched the meat, without being overpowering (like nut oils). The sausage itself was SO GOOD, especially at the browned ends, which were salty-oily but BROWNLY so, not yellowish-sharp like chip oil-salt!! Like a warm, amber-leaning brown? Orangey? There's reddish tone in it I think, so. But! The meat itself is a nice neutral lighter brown, juicy & firm, WITH the SAME essential non-tacky slight-sweet taste of SUNDAY'S turkey? But that was SO TOUGH to pick out under all the salt! SO, I'll just have to put salt on SUNDAY'S turkey & see how close it gets! ♥ Compare & contrast, add & subtract. We learn! As for the potatoes? THEY have spices, too-- and THAT is what gives them their vermilion tone AND surprisingly sweet flavor touch! I think there's PAPRIKA on 'em!! Plus a bit of salt, also heat-mellowed with oil, and making the potatoes themselves softer & sweeter, like french fries... ALTHOUGH, there were two pieces that DIDN'T get oil-sauteed OR spiced on one side, and guess how THEY tasted? Like a BAKED POTATO!! Honestly! It was a shocker! They become neutral white & papery-toned, instead of the oddly "warmer" feel of the "french fry" soft potato? IS there a color lean to that? There's SOMETHING, but I can't place it yet! I'll get there. ♥ I just wish I had more side-by-side comparison opportunity! Ah well; I will next Thursday! ♥ I do just want to add that the slightly-sweet, chili-spicy paprika kick was surprisingly reminiscent of a wimpie taste? Obviously, as it IS in there! But that was interesting. Last but not least, the omelette! ♥ I really need to try them warm next time; saving 'em for last highlights their sweet-egg tone, but I'd like to see how the warmth richens it. Nevertheless, cooled as it was today, the egg is less "yolky" than scrambled, much fluffier, and so soft. The CHEESE is even sweeter-- still salty, sure, but its amber tone is milder & kinder than bolder orange, and it's so friendly and happy-calm with the egg's similar gentle tone-- but both are still so BRIGHT in their yellow-spectrum hues, however softer, and that-- plus their "grounding" taste of fats, which are always "relaxed" and mellowing-- makes every omelette a joyous "good morning," yet the color of the first sunlight after dawn-- new happy light in the sky. And its warmth! ♥ But we'll get that bit next week, too! ♥

Lunch= a veggie burger w/ cheese on a wheat bun, lettuce & tomato, potato salad, vanilla Ensure, apple juice, and an ice cream sandwich. I ate the ice cream all together, on the plate, in nice bites, chewing it well, and I wasn't afraid of it! ♥ I was worried about the dairy before, but it's fine. The cookie part still tastes mostly like an Oreo cookie, but a but warmer-toned; a bit like a chocolate graham cracker, but not so floury, and vaguely like chocolate cake, but lighter & drier & biscuit-y and not so sweet. Essentially! It works beautifully with the vanilla, which is gently sweet & richly creamy & a pure soft white tone. Compared to it, the Ensure is actually SURPRISINGLY close? But warmer in tone, less "playful," more (you guessed it) salted. SOMEHOW. But, honestly? Mentally comparing, it tastes a LOT like... tapioca pudding. The YELLOW-toned sort, not the pure white sort. Same with rice pudding, without the rice taste! So it's definitely an "artificial" vanilla, but as for how closely it resembles the extract taste itself? Well, I'll check again tonight. ♥ And I'm gonna say this now-- the Ensure makes me REALLY sugar-nauseous & gassy & miserable. Not cool, yo. So! I'll ask Team for another backup-drink option, OR a CS swapout. Until then, I'll let this be a cross of empathy. Now, next is the apple juice! The only new data is that 1) it's VERY tied to "childhood flashback" vague-feelings so it's tough to analyze purely objectively, and 2) it tastes like... Gala apples? Like the sorts with greener-tinge fruit & warmer skin. NOT green skin, NOT yellow fruit? There's that tartness, remember! Yellow-flesh apples are too sweet; they're closer to pie apples right from the outset. Their juice would be a lot sweeter, I think? I'll check again at TOMORROW'S lunch! Now, the potato salad. The potatoes are textured halfway between a french-fry potato-- like breakfast-- and... well, I want to say a "baked potato" but it's not! They're firmer-- a tad "raw" in that sense, but still that beautifully starch-soft solid build of the sauteed squares-- NOT mushy like the parsleyed ones, NOT "fry but fork-breakable" like the baked. Plus they ARE red potatoes, which are moister & 'sweeter' than the brown anyway! Still 'earthy,' but even that is lighter. It's SO COOL. ♥ Thank You God! And yes, there are green pepper bits AND celery in there too, both yellow-green & dulled, BUT still bright in their vivid little snaps of bitter-sweet and salty vegetable tastes! Also, there is PAPRIKA in it, AND some greener, subtler herb-- parsley? No idea! But there's pepper again, too, maybe? There IS a hotter "nip" to that creamy, culture-brightened zip of the mayonnaise, rich with a notable flavor of egg whites mixed in, rounding out that zing of vinegar-- but that might be the paprika too; who knows! But as always, it was DELICIOUS. ♥ And I must also add that the total flavor-tone IS mainly thick-white, with bits of green-olive, AND that "orange-amber" overtone brightness from the "sour" aspect... but the spicy kick of the paprika DOES add a similarly colored head-tone?? Like, it's more of a TONE than a TASTE? How much does this stuff involve SMELL, I wonder, with its ability to pick out super-subtle "flavor elements" that the tongue cannot? Hm! It's worth looking into! But not now, because now? It's BURGER TIME!! ♥ And yes, I think there ARE mushrooms in that patty-- there are little dark greyish mushroom-looking pieces in with the light beige soy-protein base-- which still has that soy-sauce edge tone, AND a previously unnoticed heat-kick of pepper-- as well as red bell pepper bits, AND tiny carrot pieces! So that was cool to discover. As for the rest? Well, I put ALL the lettuce & tomato on it this week, and they sang JUST as beautifully with the whole-wheat and cheese as they did last week, AND yesterday on the grilled cheese... but!! The BUN is different from the bread! It's DOUGHY, and stiffer, and more notably "grainy," ironically-- whole wheat is sweeter, and more wholesome-tasting & mouth-smooth, as bread-- as a bun, it gets stiffer, and the whole grains are less finely ground? It gives that texture impression, at least! BUT, that lighter tone is what carries the SUPER-RICH "umami" & peppery taste of the patty, without "blanching" it like white bread would! And, perfectly, the cheese adds a warmly bright & richly orange tone, lifting it gently but enthusedly out of monochromatic brown, "grounding" their tastes in the fat's rounder taste... BUT! With the VEGETABLES, it REALLY DOES SING. ♥ They immediately add a brilliant, soaring burst of light & water & levity & COLOR, soothing the heavy flavor combo of brown & orange, and making it more easily comprehended. It dances on the wheat bun, is embraced by the cheese, and lifts the patty joyfully on its united shoulders! ♥ But really, my favorite bit is how the LETTUCE tastes on it!! That green is PERFECT with all that brown!! ♥ And the pinkish tomato, too, while subtle beneath that nearby-hue weight, still adds its little sweet melody... which the cheese picks RIGHT up. ♥ It's beautiful. Thank you GOD!! ♥

Dinner= chicken with herbs (garlic, rosemary, & (I assume) poultry seasoning), instant mashed potatoes, bread pudding bites w/ whipped cream (+nutmeg & cinnamon), vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, a butter pat, and a LOT of corn! I'm still so grateful that THIS is a fearless meal, considering how I was 6 weeks ago. Good riddance! From now on this meal will CONTINUE to be free & loved, as will ALL foods, as long as I have any say in it, for God's literal sake-- and I DO, so fear not. ♥ As always, I started with the corn, my dear friend. It has a sweet yellow taste, leaning amber, and a particular "malty" subtlety that I really like. Its texture is also super unique; there's a LOT of water in those little kernels, and their "skins" are thin but rubber-tough, a little? Like tomato skins, but a bit firmer? Not as slippery. And, like I said last week, there's a warm yellower tone TO that water content, too! But yes, the more I reflect on pure corn data, the more I familiarize myself with its taste, and I can REALLY say I recognize it in the Sun Chips now! ♥ And it'll probably be easier to recognize corn sugar, too-- especially as syrup. I'll keep learning! I'll have to see if I can CLEARLY recall what Karo tastes like, from 7th grade! God only remembers WHY I needed it for what project then, but at least it's an anchor! And elementary school is an anchor for the mashed potatoes, too-- either with hot lunch, or at church dinners & such. It does NOT taste like baked OR french-fried potato; nor does it taste like pagach! But it DOES taste similar to Monday's pierogi filling! It's not yellow like that, or salty, BUT the base is the same! ♥ And that sourness is definitely buttermilk; I can't imagine what else it could be! Oh yes, and today, I noticed there's PEPPER in it! Which warms up the taste, complements the sour, & prevents blandness. It's nice, and new! Thank God for discovery every day, even now. ♥ Next, our dear chicken! You'll notice I LISTED the spices today-- not only did I LOOK, but I TASTED! And the rosemary is wonderful on it. ♥ I also looked AT the chicken-- it's a creamy, vaguely pinkish white? Not really "off white;" I can't see it as yellowish. But the bottom texture is like... softer? Squishier? I want to say "it looks frothy but solid" but really I think the meat is just a tad "spongier" on the bottom where it doesn't brown? But it's all meaty & solid still; no mush, but it IS soft & juicy, but not overly so. No "wetness!" It has a slight tack to the chew, but not much; the softness reduces it. And it had NICE fat pieces at the ends again, all white! And those pieces tasted JUST like good homemade chicken soup broth. Lovely stuff; slightly amber-toned, but more yellow, and richly calm, like all fats. The chicken itself is "milder" than the "archetypal KFC taste" of potent chicken, being lighter in flavor intensity and saturation, but it's still strong-medium and super nice, especially with the herbal complements. But I literally have NO vocab for that yet. I need to study! Lastly, I put the butter on the corn, which made it SUPER mellow yellow, almost overwhelmingly so-- it's really a punch of COLOR!-- and, compared to the Ensure, the soymilk tastes almost WATERY! I never noticed how LIGHT it was weight-wise, despite its smooth texture! And it tastes ever more strongly of "cake vanilla"-- I can't wait to compare it tomorrow! ♥ The Ensure, though, I mostly compared to the bread pudding-- and it's CLOSE!!! Talk about a surprise! It's the SAME COLOR, for one, and it DOES have vanilla extract-- but the pudding has that bread base-tone, AND I'm not sure how much the whipped cream contributed to the similarity! But tomorrow, I'll check yet again. ♥ For the pudding itself, the whipped cream DOES have both those spices-- by look (just subtle enough a variation!) AND taste! And, although the bread is a bit similar to the French toast at its crusted bits, it has NO egg taste, being "blander" and yet sweeter, AND it is REALLY CHEWY!!! I couldn't even dent it with the plastic knife! But, as you probably guessed, that makes its chewing texture DOWNRIGHT GORGEOUS. ♥ If that's a stale-bread quality, I'll need to eat more of it in the future! And finally, I'm not sure what makes the wet-bread bits taste like they do, or what makes them so supersoft & mushy, but NOT sticky or dense or spongy... but I literally smile & close my eyes whenever I taste it. It's truly a kiss from/ of Heaven, here on Earth. ♥ All that vanilla taste, the tan sort, not white... the slight 'extract' nip... the bready base, the creamy softness, the pure & gentle but richly sweet taste... thank You, God, for such a Good Gift!! ♥

Snack= the third time's the lucky one for the NUGO TRIAD!! ♥ It was a challenge to choose it, but a joy to do it... because it was an exercise in VIRTUE: courage, reparation, hope, faith, determination, forgiveness, honesty, humility... light. I ate it 100% with that, and I can feel it. ♥

May. 24th, 2017 09:30 am = Dear Elinor returns! ♥

Breakfast= two slices of French toast, two butter pats, scrambled eggs, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, apple juice, peach honey tea, and a single ketchup packet. I did my best to pay TOTAL loving attention to ALL of it, and because of that loving motivation-- AND prayerful appeal to God, the Giver AND Creator, the One who Guides ALL of us in Graceful healing & Love-- I DID!! ♥ The peach honey tea is actually rather floral? You can smell/ taste the delicate-bitter white tea leaves clearly, but the peach is altogether more scent than taste? And it's NOT "fruity" in that sense; instead of the rich orange-amber tone of a legit peach, it has the pale, "peachy" hue of the yogurt, as far as that flavor is concerned? It's like peach perfume? Which WORKS with the tea taste! And I cant grasp the honey in it yet, but we'll try again later. ♥ I did do my best, but drinks are difficult to "taste" yet. The soymilk keeps getting clearer to me-- I love that silk-white matte base; I think I'll really like reintroducing actual tofu into my diet in the future! (I do recall it was lovely with honey.) And that gentle cake-vanilla overtone? It's so gentle, but so playful. I really want to try it warm!! I'll have to ask tomorrow. As for the Ensure, I get a LOT now, and the data is STARTING TO STICK! ♥ It's a straight-up cream-in-coffee light brown, for sure-- there's NO yellow in it! I still can't quite place what "kind" of vanilla it is, though. I must make a list. Next up? The apple juice! Did I mention that it has a "granny-smith" tartness to its afterflavor? Because it does! ♥ It's a yellow-amber nip, compared to the clear, light, golden tone of the main apple-juice flavor-- not orange, not quite amber... leaning yellow? Just barely. But it tastes so CLEAN and sweet without being "sugary"! I need a better way to describe "fruit sweet." We'll get there! As for the eggs? I COMPLETELY FORGOT that I planned to try them with SUGAR today-- for chrutki comparison-- AND Strawberry Ensure. I am so sorry. But I'll do so next week, I promise! Everything worked out, though-- because today, I got to try 'em with ketchup! Unfortunately, due to "talk dissociation" I couldn't quite grasp the data entirely. But I got some! Scrambled eggs have a beautiful texture; they're not fluffy like an omelette, but they're not as solid-stuff as a hard-boiled egg-- they're in the middle? They're solid pieces, nice big lovely rubbery pieces of yolk+white together-- and THAT gives them such a cool favor: the particular unique dry-yellow yolk taste blended with the firm, lighter, "eggy" (yep, simple is best) flavor of the white. It's therefore NOT neutral, obviously-- taste matches color!-- it's yellow-leaning-amber, a little dulled in saturation, and I THINK there's an overtaste accent of some sort of oil?? I can barely taste the memory; it's all too new yet. But! I'll tell you what-- it goes QUITE well with the ketchup! That condiment is a deep vermilion-leaning red, just barely noticeable-- but it's the vinegar bite-tang that does it. And its rich tomato-y base, heavy by heat to the point where it literally has a RED flavor root-- the "core" taste of that color, like in blood & strawberries & tomatoes & anything else THAT densely purely colored-- is a wonderful complement to the dry-yellow-amber egg flavor. Fresh tomatoes are PERFECT-- they're not so heavily saturated, and so not that overpowering-- but ketchup works too! But, as I said, it's so new that data is unclear... AND it still has unidentified childhood event-resonance roots. We'll work on it, promise! ♥ I can say for sure, though, that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Also?? My brain keeps pushing a DIFFERENT scrambled-egg taste memory?? I don't know who made them that way-- dad, mom, grandma-- but they're frothier? The whites are like seafoam rippled through the wetter yellows, AND there's a salty creamy aspect to it?? Cheese? Milk? I dunno! I'll find out when I get home, I suppose... but THOSE are PERFECT with ketchup, not tomato slices? They're STILL good, but they're a tad too white & light for the similarly light-tint, watery veggie. Ketchup's heavier, deeper tone anchors it. But yeah! Good eggs, both ways. ♥ Lastly? THE FRENCH TOAST! I could taste the egg in THAT, too; clearly!! Also nutmeg, clearly. BUT. The bread itself is SUPER SIMILAR in base-taste to the BREAD PUDDING?? And the texture is almost EXACT-- the harder crust, the moister center, the vanilla sweet gentleness, the touch of nutmeg... BUT! The COLOR is a key difference!! Bread pudding is a light beige with warmer-amber crusts, and maybe some blue-leaning white? (I'll tell you tomorrow! ♥) But the French toast is ALL warm browns-- amberyellow on the inside, gentler darker warm tones on the crust, and the slightest sweetest kiss of cream-color mottled through the firm but spongy center... AND!!! When you add BUTTER!!! It GLOWS with that sunny golden warmth! The cream taste, and the salt roundness, are BEAUTIFUL with the golden-browned (literally!) bread, and its own carbohydrate wholesomeness and sweetness... and that oil just melts into it and makes it SO SOFT in the center... honestly, God, how You have blessed me with this breakfast. ♥ I am so grateful-- for this, AND another gift of it next week!! ♥

Lunch= Strawberry Ensure, strawberry Greek yogurt, plain Sun Chips, Fig Newtons, and a wheat-bread grilled cheese... WITH two slices each of lettuce and tomato!! That's right, I ate 'em ON the sandwich today-- and DUDE. It was DIVINE. Thank You God for teaching me the beauty of unity & harmony, and inspiring me to both protect AND pursue it in peace & amity!! ♥ But before that, let's talk about another song of tastes-- the strawberry duo! Guess what? The Ensure has a NOTABLE "strawberry cake" echo-- BUT!! It's NOT so red!! I'm wondering if MAYBE the Easter pink cake is a match... it wouldn't be surprising! But for now, it's still reminding me of "pink white chocolate." I'm also wondering if it tastes anything like strawberry milkshakes... or if they're too white, or too red, like strawberry milk? I don't know! It's all old memory... but it's NEW DISCOVERY, and I love that! Next, the strawberry Greek yogurt-- which ALSO had new data! Texture-wise, especially in thickness, its actually reminiscent of sour cream? But NOT so "sour"! It's cultured like buttermilk... without the butter. I'm honestly just laughing at how I CANNOT find the right words to describe that taste! I need to start studying the dictionary... OR trying more cultured foods, although that's not an option right now! But I CAN compare & contrast what data I have, especially on foods here, AND I can keep studying & learning every time I get a cultured food here-- which I will tomorrow! ♥ Anyhow, the taste is still literally dessert-strawberry-pink, BUT lightened by the white just enough, and the berry bits IN it hold that flavor totally. Honestly? I can't reach lots of data today, BUT I can now confidently & gratefully say that I LIKE the strawberry Greek yogurt!! ♥ It was the ONLY one I was hesitant about, but I really WANT to love it... so, all I have to do IS love it!! ♥ Be, don't "try!" It's all about MAKING dreams come true, right now, "Now" is all we ever have, so! ♥ Gotta BE there TO use it, though. And by golly I DID MY VERY BEST. So although the yogurt is a tad blurry-- mostly due to not having the vocab to describe it-- but it DOESN'T taste like strawberry ice cream; there's too much white sugar taste in it?-- I got GREAT data for the other things! ♥ The Fig Newtons DO have a slight taste to the flour-- and it tastes a little like a GRAHAM flour! It has sugar & canola oil & wheat flour in it, after all, and I guess the warmer tone from baking brings it just enough of a warm tone! AND, the figs ARE BOTH brown & purple-- because FRESH Turkish figs ARE soft & purple-tinged, remember? ♥ So it KEEPS that flavor essence, that purple-taste that other fruits of that hue share, even in its condensed, brown-sugary state. ♥ The Sun Chips, also, have ALL their component taste layers!! I can identify the oats, the rice, & the whole wheat... but all that is wholesome brown-beige beige sweetness. The WARMTH and the brighter sunny tone come from the CORN-- which also makes the sweetness brighter & mellower! They are SO good; and now they're even better! ♥ BUT. NOTHING TASTED BETTER THAN TODAY'S COMPLETE GRILLED CHEESE!!! ♥ Honestly? I cannot stop smiling over how legitimately beautiful it tasted!!! The wheat bread is thickly wholesome & sweet & soft, with butter-brushed, subtly-crisp firmness at the crust, and that golden butter glow making its tone all the warmer & happier... and the cheese, so wonderfully rich & amber! & salted-creamy but thickly smooth, melted all wonderfully into the bread, all warm with it... and THEN the VEGETABLES join the song!! ♥ The LETTUCE, dude; the GREEN and living leafy freshness is PERFECT with the wheat's earthy tones and the tomato's red ripe flavor & lightness, and THAT is the perfect grounding and refreshing pair for the warm & rich cheese, which is sweetened by the water and which, also, is a unique playfully-different contrast TO the lettuce, orangey-amber against solid nature-bright green, AND!! They BOTH have an "umami" quality to them-- the cheese in its fat, the lettuce in its chlorophyll deepness-- which form an unexpected but solid friendship-bond between them, which I can't wait to explore more in the future!! ♥ AND, all together?? I am dead serious, I have NEVER before had such a delicious sandwich. Not only was the lushness & clarity of flavors impeccable in its richly colored simplicity, BUT that softness of the bread-- something you don't get in burgers-- AND that butter-brushed-golden oil accent to the whole wheat, just added something so special & wonderful. Oh, how GRATEFUL and JOYFUL I am TO GOD, FOR GOD, IN this!!! ♥ What creative, generous, loving, beautiful glory!! Praise be to our Creator!! ♥

Dinner= vegetable lasagna, cherry pie, a side salad (lettuce, julienned carrot & violet cabbage, 2 grape tomatoes, 2 cucumber slices), a chocolate Shake 'em up, and chocolate Ensure. Oh, and French dressing! I'll say this flat-out-- I'm upsettingly dissociated this evening, so things weren't registering as much as I'd like-- but now? I can depend on God. If it is His will, He can complete my meal data just as much as I need. So I'll pray for that, for His sake & praise & glory, in gratitude for His gifts of food & kindness, both at once; literally IN one, too! ♥ So here WE go... starting with the chocolate. I challenged myself with it today, to re-prove to my mind & heart (which already knows) that chocolate IS Good, from God, and innocent of ALL fear the dark forces try to force onto it. Well, force will get you nowhere! God's gentle love and unstoppable Mercy to His children deals solid Justice enough against those liars-- just by kindness healing those souls affected, AND thus healing all they touch, BY God's Grace! ♥ So it is with the chocolate. ♥ The Shake 'Em Up isn't milky like chocolate milk, and it's not AS sweet as ice cream? And, compared to the Ensure, it's an almost neutral-tone cocoa flavor? The Ensure IS salty!! Somehow! But it's also VERY sweet, and a warmer brown tone? The contrast between the two was almost shocking! But it was cool, to experience. The cherry pie is SO GOOD-- I love the big fat juicy cherries in the filling! And the jel does taste very cerise. It's a lovely texture; not as thick as the apple pie, either? And a bit firmer than the strawberry cake filling. And NOT like jelly OR jello! It's very nice. The crust also seems lighter in taste-color than the apple pie? Which, from an artistic standpoint, makes perfect sense-- cerise goes better with more neutral browns, and amber goes better with the warmer ones? Either way, it works perfectly for each. The cherry-pie-filling flavor is gel-sweet but not sugary or syrupy-- and the cherries have a corn-sweet thick-sweet kiss to them but otherwise, they too hold a LOT of their inherent fresh taste quality-- roundly sweet & slightly cerise-tart, with just enough water to brighten them into little joyful bursts of color. But! Take that water out, AND re-moisten them with enough mild sweetness to balance out the supertart punch of bright-head flavor that dried cherries have... and you get the pie cherry taste! NOT "dessert cherry;" THAT'S a pink toned maraschino taste! And so we learn. ♥ The crust still has lard in it, but LESS butter-- giving it the fatty white enrichment to the basic floury white base, with just enough browned-quality from baking & butter to round it out with a warm, gently wheaty overtone. And it's so soft! Moreso than the apple? It DOES get mushier on the bottom. But I truly love it, especially its soft, smooth mouthfeel, just light-thick enough to give that extra comforting vibe. ♥ As for the salad & dressing? I unfortunately have very little to say-- I was QUITE out of it. But the tomatoes were plump & sweet, the cucumbers cool & calmly soothing, the carrots little bright nips of amber-orange sweet light & water, and the single (really) cabbage bit still tasted beautifully violet, with a radish-y white bite. And the dressing? It DOES taste its color, but it's NOT dairy, it's tomato paste! It's still hard to explain. It has a vermilion tang, mellow but piquant, and on the lettuce it is actually BEAUTIFUL. It complements that pale green SO well! ♥ I'm just sorry it didn't really "click" yet. But I'll try again soon! Lastly... the lasagna. Now THAT was a victory!! ♥ The noodles DON'T taste like the pierogi, besides the white-flour base, because the pierogi is stiffer, drier, & warmer-toned, but the pasta is SUPER SOFT, moist, & entirely neutral-- PLUS the pierogi taste more floury, and the noodles more "doughy?" Not quite... it doesn't taste bready, that's the key. The pierogi taste dough-like, but the noodles? They taste like noodles, man-- super neutral. But!! They're nice. The tomato sauce is sweet with bits of red peppers, AND a bit of oregano! The top cheese DOES taste like the pizza cheese, and it's just as nicely "rubbery" and white-cheese tasting (milkier?). The RICOTTA, though, is cream-tasting? Like, the REAL cream taste-- white & fatty & neutral, but this has some herbs in it? And it's a TAD "curdled," I think? It has a REALLY COOL texture, soft but vaguely farinaceous, and super creamy still. The green peppers are very bitter but it's a nice bitter, the sort you'd expect from dimmer, yellow-leaning greens... and they have a little hint of green-sweet behind it. The zucchini slice on top is GRILLED, and bitter-sweet... it was the taste of summer! And all of it together? Soft, sweet, creamy, gentle-cheese & tomato-bright & flour-humble, with little bitter veggie zips. It's a painting, man. It really is life, shining victoriously over death. ♥

Snack= two plain Sun Chips, and one cheddar Sun Chips! I thoroughly enjoyed them. ♥ Also, they aren't bad with sips of softening water, either!

May. 23rd, 2017 09:30 am remember the truth of love.♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, vanilla Greek yogurt, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, a blueberry PopTart, and earl grey tea. The PopTart was first, and its sugar-hard icing always makes me think of winter snow! Probably from those beloved old iced cookies we used to make. The filling tastes crystal-purple & sugar-sweet, but it's not sharp or overpowering, especially thanks to the crust! And today, I noticed it has a bit of a "pie crust" flavor, in that it has a touch of saltiness, and it's softened by oil. But lightly! Oil & lard have different effects on flour taste-- pie is the latter, PopTarts are the former. I really enjoy them now! ♥ Same with the yogurt; its cultured thick-cream texture, smooth but heavy & silky, and tasting slightly off-white from its soured tone? Maybe? Its delicate vanilla taste, and milk base, anchor it white, but that cultured through-tone... it's like, an "uppertaste" color, registering higher in the mouth? The color of my white pajamas! But I love it so. I put a tad of brown sugar in it earlier, just one bite, and that sugar-crystal brightness plus molassesy-brown warm tone was interesting in colorplay over that offwhite. A little too homogenous, maybe? But honestly it didn't "click," so I'll try again next Monday! As for the other vanillas? The soymilk's "soy" base taste is clearer than ever now, which is good because I really like it, BUT I noticed that its "warm" vanilla tone is actually like CAKE VANILLA? Really! Almost like Friday's strawberry cake! So I'll DEFINITELY have to compare them this week. And, again, the vanilla Ensure has a marked 'salt' touch, and a heavy creaminess, but it's NOT yellow-- it's that pale taupe color! And really... it's the sort of vanilla I'd associate with colder weather, NOT the brightly white ice-cream or floral vanillas of warm weather. This vanilla is like... maybe the bread pudding??? I didn't compare it last Thursday, so I will this week! But that "warm" complement of environment DOESN'T quite fit the actual Ensure?? It's surprisingly not a warm color!! I keep thinking, "coffee creamer," maybe? And yesterday's "vanilla tootsie roll" comparison does still seem legit enough. I just need to re-check last week's "banana" taste claim. So I'll get back to you on that! As for the tea? There is a LOVELY lemon-tea amber zip to the earl grey's bitter-nice base, a literal warm amber-gray taste itself. It's GREAT. But I also drank it very hot! And my taste skills still don't register through temperature well yet. So I do need to strengthen that, BUT I can't push too hard, either-- drinking superhot stuff isn't good for my teeth, throat, OR stomach! So no worries. Now, last up, we have the raisins and the oatmeal AND the remainder of the brown sugar... and, yes, I DID unite them all into a new song of taste & color & texture-- and it is BEAUTIFUL!!! ♥ Oh my gosh, here's ANOTHER Good thing I was missing by not respecting the sugar's desire for unity in its PURPOSE, and not indulging the raisins playful need AND strong wish to ALSO play with the oatmeal-- dried fruits ALL seem to want to play with other foods! Cereals, yogurts, salads, breads, even meats-- they really play well with others! ♥ Which is, fittingly, sweet. AS WAS THE OATMEAL. I don't know if the raisins, too, shared their sugars with it, but maybe they did, because they got plumper & less "burny sugary" and more fresh-grape-tart tasting IN it? They were WONDERFUL. ♥ And the oatmeal itself, thanks to the brown sugar, AND the almost fig-like (brownish?) sugar touch of the raisins, was not only warmed in flavor AND literal color-tone, but the sweetness-- already mellowed by molasses roundness & gentility-- used its lighter brown as a base, as well as its grain-typical cereal groundedness, that lovely comforting carbohydrate complexity, to anchor down and become almost gold in taste-- LEGIT gold, NOT yellow-gold!! I'm talking the crayon-tone, that browner shiny metallic, just a touch neutral but mostly gold. The color of the oatmeal DID match up! ♥ However, my FAVORITE result of finally letting that brown sugar work its magic was how it affected the TEXTURE of the oatmeal!! It added a non-tacky, flowy "stickiness" to it, making it smoother in the mouth, and a tad "gooey?" But NOT heavy!! Not like honey or syrup, not like jelly either... not like icing or frosting... oh come on, it just hit me. MOLASSES. Like actual molasses, just a bit in it! Flowy but sticky but unusually light. And not much of it, or it WOULD have a throat-burn! But in that bit of light brown sugar? PERFECT. ♥ Gentle but SO warmly happy, like a big comforting hug, not a squeeze. My only regret? Picking the raisins OUT, first, to taste on their own! So although I got THEIR data, I don't know how they play AS part of that whole, and I'm sorry. But now I know their own uniqueness, so next week? I'll know it as a unique part, too! ♥

Lunch= PIZZA TUESDAY! And I manifested last night's dream's ♥ choices by having chocolate Ensure and Ranch dressing (thank you Felicia, for saving me from doubt's fear! ♥ and thank you GOD for answering my prayer for wise choice through her! ♥), alongside the chocolate cake and side salad (1 tomato, 2 cucumbers, some julienned carrots & violet cabbage, and of course iceberg lettuce)! I have to say, the ranch dressing is really a beautiful unitive flavor for salads like this... its bright white sour-sweet creaminess-- which ALSO has a notable salty flavor!!-- lifts up the gentler, sweeter, mild & gentle plant-tastes of the vegetables. It adds a richness to the tomatoes with its saltiness and dairy-creaminess, NOTABLY its touch of sourness (which "widens" the taste profile; sweet tomatoes also go well with sweeter dairy, BUT salt will ALWAYS make 'em taste even better, I think)... it mellows & uplifts the cabbage's violet flare, making it brighter but less "sharp"... it also brightens the sweet carrots, its own "zing" adding a different amber/ yellow hue quality to them, warming their smile... and on the truly gentle lettuce, all water & pale green chlorophyll whisper, it uses that as a base and springboards off it in a truly joyful, but peacefully anchored, lively white-smooth but piquant-bright shine of flavor! I just wish I had a better way to describe that "sourness" of cultured dairy in color... actually? I think the issue is that it's NOT a color, per se, but an ACCENT?? Like, NOTHING is "JUST" cultured taste-- by its very definition, it REQUIRES a base color to be born from!! And that color is usually white, it seems-- an intriguing fact. So culture-sour flavor probably doesn't manifest as COLOR... but instead as LIGHT?? Maybe even SHAPE?? Dude those are NEW ways of perceiving taste and the very thought of being able TO perceive them now is AWESOME. But yeah, "accent" tastes! Sour-milk seems more like... well, it leans amber (OVER white, mind!!), but it changes the dairy flavor from round to triangular? Something like it. I won't get obsessive over it, just be aware of things coming in as THAT sort of data, too! And also be aware of HOW layers & accents & things play together, even potentially... because THAT is what tipped me off to a GLORIOUS combo today= CHOCOLATE CAKE AND RANCH DRESSING. I kid you not!! You've heard of mayonnaise in brownies & such; well here you go again! ♥ It's the same principle of yesterday's dinner thought-- dark, neutral browns work REALLY WELL with sour whites. And by golly, does it EVER!! The cake's cool, moist but light, airy "cake-y" (duh) texture, and neutral-tone chocolate flavor-- not bitter, not sugary, not milky, not salty; it's how the FLOUR base rounds it out?-- is LOVELY with the ranch, as that bright-sour uplifting taste PLUS the creamy milky base just sings with it. I don't care if I get funny looks next week; that dressing is legit going ON the cake!! But the icing DOESN'T go!!! It's too warm-toned, too sweet! You can TASTE the butter & sugar, clearly!! And the cocoa richness is again transmuted by it into warm brown. No ranch there! I'd have to play with taste-knowledge to postulate what it would go with, outside of accenting neutral brown-- but not now. Now, we'll talk about a different brown-- the warmer, tan-leaning-orange but white-base sweet wholesomeness of the PIZZA CRUST! ♥ I still love it so much. It's tough & a tad rubbery around the edge, but even there, its inside is so doughy, so wonderfully soft & airy yet firm, no mushy bits at all. Solid but gentle and ever so sweet yet grounded in the brown base tone! And that touch of warm-color-tone it has makes it sing SO well with the happy cream-yellow cheese & the rich red tomato sauce! The sauce has OREGANO in it! And basil, too, I think? And LOTS of pepper-- a little too much for me, admittedly; it overwhelms the other flavors. But it's not bad! Plus the tomato sauce is surprisingly sweet-- there's no bite to it at all, just the slightest tang at the edges. (Too much & it wouldn't sing well with the crust!) There is sugar in it, I assume, and THAT taste, too, harmonizes beautifully with the mild, milky, sweeter-but-still-salted taste of the cheese topping! I always like the pizza cheese-- melted, it's still different from the grilled cheese sort; it's not sticky or thick or soft & smooth like that-- it's a bit rubbery, it's chewy, it's firmer in texture and, like the dinner roll, it doesn't completely "smooth out" in the mouth. Which is fine; all experiences are to be treasured for their own gifts. And, yes, I ate the pizza WHOLE, in those little slices! It is very good that way, although I WILL admit, this is one meal that I like to deconstruct, so I can eat that spicy sauce by itself, and THEN enjoy the full, non-peppery flavors of the cheese & crust! But that feels unfair & unloving. I DO love the sauce. I LIKE its peppery, herb-kissed rich red taste! I really like how it plays with the grounding brown of the crust, and how it adds an extra boost of bright enthusiasm to the cheese. It takes those two more docile tastes by the hand and says, "let's go!" And the all bravely & bright-burning-heartedly present themselves UNITED, AS this pizza-- as a whole, wonderfully musical in its warm zesty goodness. Thank You God, for its existence AS IS! ♥

Dinner= chicken with the skin, bread stuffing & gravy, a sweet potato souffle, a dinner roll, a butter pat, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, and a vanilla magic cup. I'm a little bummed out, because I used to really love the magic cups-- they have beautiful textures & flavors, BUT they're super sweet to the point where they burn my throat AND turn my stomach? Honestly, even when I used to have them for snack, they would turn my stomach by the time I started the second one! I wonder why? Either way, it's worrisome because they-- and maybe the mini-sundaes-- are the ONLY foods on the entire COPE meal plan that legitimately make me nauseous enough to WANT to vomit. And that is NOT GOOD. So I'll tell Team tomorrow, but for now, let's just focus on data. The magic cup is an almost buttery sweet vanilla? It IS salty somehow! And, compared to it, the vanilla Ensure tastes LIGHTER! That confirms it's not yellow-leaning, but more neutrally brown. And the soymilk today tasted especially tofu-like, which was super welcome (as its a very neutral taste) after that sugar-shot. The dinner roll was WARM and that moistened it and made it doughier, which I love. I noticed that it doesn't "completely" turn into smooth when you chew it-- it keeps little doughy bits. But it still tastes of bread, all lovely with maybe the slightest yellow-butter tone. When you DO put the butter on it, though, that breadiness is a base, and the butter is a creamy cool pale yellow with a round, sunshine-golden-yellow mellowness that honestly "glows" all around your mouth, that salty oil-cream spreading itself all out among the roll's soft mouthful. I always enjoy that pairing! I ALSO enjoy this entree! The bread stuffing is almost entirely mushy, thanks to the heat & gravy-- although there are tasty bits of the crust, even those are soft, and-- even more surprisingly-- ALL of the stuffing is "STICKY!!" Like wet-dough sticky, all supersoft & dense-though-spongy! TOTALLY different from the bread pudding, which is WET but not sticky (from the alcohol-vanilla?), and firm-- not so the stuffing, which, due TO its doughiness, isn't "wet" in the same way, because it ABSORBED all that water & gravy INTO itself! But it's good! It tastes more doughy than bready, too, but it has HERBS-- I think parsley & basil??-- and LOVELY cooked pieces of celery, rich in olive green flavor & subtle crisp-firmness, softened by heat. And the gravy tastes RICHLY of chicken fat & salt, getting a lovely "skin" on it as it cools, and also speckled with herbs. I ate most of it alone, BUT! I DID save a little for the stuffing-- AND I saved a little of BOTH for the chicken!! Now THAT was LOVELY. ♥ I left the skin & top-gravy on, too!! It's moist and falls apart when you try to cut it, and there was no fat in it-- which worked out fine, as there was a lot on top & around it, so to speak! The skin is ALL chicken-fat flavor, chewy yet soft & firm, a but "squishy," and actually really nice paired with the pink-kissed white meat. And, when you pair BOTH with that golden-rich gravy, strong in its happy fat flavor and salty potency, working so well with the soft & bready heart of the stuffing, so full of flavor and so gentle in the mouth-- milder in its base neutrality than even the dinner roll, but as such, being the perfect peacekeeper for the sodium-punch of the gravy and the lovely round fat flavors... when all of that is added to the fatty skin and tender chicken, both so mild on their own as well, but full of good white-meat taste softened & gentled by pink, and fat in its pure off-white natural glory blanketed by the unique brown-gold thickness of skin, kissed with the gravy and enriching the meat it was born to embrace... all of it together, is WONDERFUL. It's SUCH a great taste combination, all brown & golden tones, with off-white & olive-green accents! It's not just a harmony, it's a painting! ♥ And I cannot wait to be able to experience it with now-clearer, deeper love & appreciation next week! ♥ That's the best thing about this fixed meal plan: it fosters SO much hope & determination for healing & it demands TOTAL loving attention & gratitude for EVERY precious, prudently timed bite. ♥ God is Good, and I can TASTE it!! ♥

Snack= three bags of plain Sun Chips, just like Sunday, and fittingly so-- not only are they still so nice & soothing after a tiring (but good!) day, but also? ELINOR IS BACK. ♥ She's okay and she's recovered and I am gonna PRAY in all Love & joy that she has a BEAUTIFUL day tomorrow, and that her treatment progresses smoothly, lovingly, and with PROFOUND & quick healing! ♥ God, bless her & keep her.. and, if YOU so will, help me to help You help her, too. ♥

(no date; would be referred to in journals)

★ eat the lasagna IN ONE PIECE!
★ eat the salad with the dressing!
★ eat every bite with TRUST and gratitude for health, healing, & God's great generosity…
♥ for love of His Creation
♥ AND your fellow patients… and,
♥ for forgiveness & reconciliation of this meal to our beloved Jessie.
♥ (offer your love & joy as prayer!)

(leave the painful past, enter the healed, free future of joy & hope ♥)

- TRUST like an open-hearted child
- LOVE like your heart is fit to burst
- GIVE THANKS for Creation's infinite wonders
- BE HUMBLE and let God work through you
- BE MINDFUL and participate in life's Goodness
- BE MERCIFUL and pray for the wounded
- BE FORGIVING of your flaws and other's flaws (we ALL need God!), and remember that God uses those 'flaws' for His Glory. Judge not! Only LOVE!!!

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(no dates; on first page of red SS book)

★DON'T EAT IN SADNESS OR BITTERNESS!!!
It will only destroy friendships & sow bad seeds of doubt & confusion & despair.

★AVOID CONDIMENTS as they CAUSE this!! ↑
forgive them though; they simply aren't meant for you! that's OK!!

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★LET THE LORD FIGHT FOR YOU!!! Only He can!
Show up on the battlefield and don His armor & flag, but recognize that HE has the "weaponry!" HE wants you safe; HE will fight AND WIN, for HIS glory and praise and love and justice and righteous wisdom!

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★ to unfailingly befriend ANYTHING,
release it from all past chains!!!
Food, in and of itself, is PURE & INNOCENT.
STOP PROJECTING OLD PAIN ONTO IT!
That's unfair & unkind! God made ALL food Good & clean!

★If you're reminded of old hurt & fear because a certain food was there WITH you, recognize its innocence, and then let the food work to HEAL & FREE you by existing wholly anew in the NOW! The past is DONE & GONE. Make a new, free, Good future together!! ♥

★BE YOURSELF, JEWEL!!!
prayer & the Dream World purify EVERYTHING.

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(no dates; from first SS attempt)

self select goals! ♥

★CHALLENGE ALL DISTORTED THOUGHTS!!!

Remember: our ultimate, perpetual goal is to ACTIVELY LOVE ALL FOODS AS GOD'S CREATIVE GIFTS! His Spirit is in ALL things, without exception, and EVERY food item EVER comes from HIS HANDS.
Food is GOOD and INNOCENT, and I WANT to love ALL of it!!

★ We WILL be eating foods here that we don't "have to" outside-- mostly snacks.

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(unknown date)
(AFTER ashen woke back up; references nousfoni!!!)

Finding Alternative Thoughts
Mental filter: Am I only noticing the bad stuff? Am I filtering out the positives? Am I waering those 'gloomy specs'? What would be more realistic?
(Notice the Good TOO; see the WHOLE picture, pos & neg-- and LET GO OF LABELING; put on 'specs of CLEAR LIGHT & WISDOM; see ALL!)

Mind-Reading: Am I assuming I know what others are thinking? What's the evidence? Those are my own thoughts, not theirs. Is there another, more balanced way of looking at it?
(Change your own thoughts to what you'd like to hear from others to help you grow Good)

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QUESTIONING FAMILY DISTORTIONS

1) "Why do you think fat is ugly? What's so bad about it?" etc.
★ASK YOURSELF THIS, TOO!!!

2) "She's so fat-- isn't that disgusting?" "I look so ugly when I'm fat" "I hate all this flabby skin"
"I hate how disgusting I look when I'm fat" "Her face is so pretty-- it's a shame she's so fat"
"I didn't like his girlfriend-- she was so fat! Why couldn't he have picked a prettier girl?" etc.

conclusion: "fat" on bodies is inherently ugly/shameful, AND THAT defines a person's WORTH (+prettiness" CURSE)

PROVE IT FALSE:
1) "Babies are SUPER fat; are THEY ugly or bad?"
→a) ("No, but they can't help it!")
"What if 'chubbier' adults can't help it either?"
("Yes they can" + "They should eat healthier, then" + "They should exercise more")

→b) ("They'll lose it as they grow up.")
"What if they don't? Would you judge a chubby kid so condemningly?"
("They should eat healthier, then" + "They should exercise more")

RESPONSE TO BOTH:
"What if they ARE eating healthier and exercising, and are STILL chubby? What if it's GENETIC? What if it's their NATURAL build?"
("That's a shame/ too bad/ so sad")

WHY???

^ THIS IS TYPICALLY WHERE THEIR ARGUMENT COLLAPSES INTO OPINION ONLY!!!
CHALLENGE IT!!!

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★MY fear= the FEELING of looseness/ "weighed down"

→ Stay in shape, simple as that! REMEMBER THE YOGA GIRL!
→ TREAT FOOD WITH RESPECT, BOY!!
It is GOD'S LIVING CREATION, GIVING itself TO YOU, so YOU can live, BY IT'S LIFE continuing IN you!!!

--------------------------------

★Get "fat" role models!! (MEN, TOO!)
★REMEMBER= "fat" is only "bad" if it's the result of OVERINDULGENCE &/OR SLOTH= but even then, it JUST IS, and it is NOT condemnation! You CAN lose the 'ill' weight!
★Make a list of POSITIVE fat/ chubby/ big/ round qualities, ESP. in culture/ Bible/ ART, and keep that list close to remind yourself that GOD LOVES FAT, TOO!!! (He MADE it!! for a PURPOSE!)

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(unknown date)

Making the Connection worksheet

★Predisposition affects your reactions!! (and it CAN be changed for Good! ♥)

"Set your heart & mind on what is Eternal" ♥

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Activity directions: Read the following scenarios and write-in your own self-statements that lead to the feelings listed below.

Scenario #1: You arrive home to find a note from your roommate that s/he moved out. You look around and see that all of her/his belongings are gone. And furthermore, you realize their half of the rent has not been paid.

Feeling: Angry // You say to yourself: I am frustrated at having to pay that extra amount BUT it is what it is. They left this abruptly for a reason; they may be in poverty/debt and saw no other "non-scary" option to face the rent. I forgive them and wish them well. I'll check on them and make sure they're OK, and see if I can help.
«DEFUSE THE ANGER!!

Feeling: Hurt // You say to yourself: Did I do something harmful to them to motivate this? I am truly sorry, but I understand this response. I forgive myself for my foolishness & now I will heal those wounds by reaching out & apologizing to them, and doing what I can to mend our relationship if possible.
★SOOTHE THE HURT!!

★★DO NOT "ENTERTAIN" THESE TOXIC THOUGHT PROCESSES!!!

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Scenario #2: You just finished cooking dinner for you and a partner. Your partner calls to say that s/he will not be home for dinner because s/he has to work late.

Feeling: Disappointed // You say to yourself: I understand. At least now they have a good dinner for when they get home! I'll ask if they'd want to share it with me then, or rest first & share it tomorrow. I'll support them either way. I'm just so grateful for their existence!
★ RELEASE THE DISAPPOINTMENT!!

Feeling: Concerned // You say to yourself: I hope they aren't overwhelmed with work?

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(unknown date)
(after ashen wakes up, after "I don't want to go home" revelation)

Worksheet: JUDGE

Statement/Belief: what's on trial?
→ "The curse of free will" (the capability to disagree)

I HAVE to go "home" & become what other people tell me to be, even if it's harmful/ unhealthy/ painful/ etc.; "asserting" differing wants is morally corrupt & WRONG

Rate your belief that this is true (0-100%): 98%

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Look at the evidence for the DEFENSE and the PROSECUTION
("What is the GREATER TRUTH?)

THE DEFENSE
What tells you this statement/belief is true? What hard factual evidence is there?

- saying "no" hurts them terribly
- my own decisions bring regret & foolishness
- obedience is true freedom, from selfish ignorance
- my #1 responsibility is my family & community
- we MUST deny ourselves to be Good
- I don't know any better & my "sadness" is stupid

Summarize the defense's comments:
Your "feelings" cannot be trusted. Feeling "rebellious" or "hurt" or "sad" or "scared" is a LIE, trying to turn you away from Good Obedience. Be humble & do whatever you are told-- making OTHERS happy is TRUE happiness.

Rate your belief in this summary (0-100%): 98%

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THE PROSECUTION
What tells you this statement/belief isn't totally true, all of the time? What is opinion and what factual evidence is there? Consider what others (witnesses) would say.

- I cannot "make" anyone feel anything?
- I am capable of making wise, healthy, "satisfactory" choices
- Obedience does not mean blindly following ALL orders w/o prudence
- There WILL be times when you're alone; are you your responsibility then?
- "Denying oneself" doesn't mean "annihilating" my identity??
- You can LEARN, and sadness is an "attention" sign-- check cause & is it merited?

Summarize the prosecution's comments:
Your "feelings" betray some conflict-- find it & build harmony instead. You WANT to obey but "think YOU know what's best for YOU" and you DON'T. BUT you ALSO know what things are flat-out harmful? Make others happy but SMILE sincerely & don't destroy YOUR life to do so?

Rate your belief in this summary (0-100%): 75%?

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Review the Evidence & Judge's Summing Up
Find a closing statement that is based on the evidence, realistic, rational and balanced.

When you "resist" an order, ask WHY you're afraid to obey, and QUESTION THAT FEAR (with GOD, and Laurie too) until you figure out what is TRULY GOOD to do-- which might STILL be total deferential obedience, and typically IS!!

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(unknown date)
(after mother phone call meltdown)

How to Handle Anger-Provoking Situations

"In this group activity, you will learn how to change the way you handle situations that make you angry by asking how members of your group how they would have dealt with the circumstance now that they have learned about anger management."

1) Describe a situation in which you became upset. What happened before, during and after?
→ Mom called & started talking & asking questions nonstop, & I felt overwhelmed & accused & panicked-guilty.

2) What could you have done differently in that situation?
→ Answered her instead of clamming up, realizing that she doesn't mean to upset me, AND CHOOSING to respond in humble love regardless. Focus on FRIENDSHIP, FORGIVENESS, LOVE, & SERVICE (self-denial) for GOD'S glory!!!

★ "Hurting people hurt people"; bandage your wounds and then BANDAGE OTHERS

3) Describe your situation to the group and ask for suggestions on how you could have approached the circumstance differently.
→ All in tablet! ♥
- focus on positives to defuse it
- ask questions to "reality check"
- find the self-directed humor in it & laugh it off
- actively talk it out with her (in LOVE & HUMILITY)
- if too much, ask KINDLY to leave, explaining WHY, and calm down!

4) Test out these suggestions the next time you enter an anger-provoking situation. How did these suggestions help you? What would you do differently the next time?
→They UNSHACKLE ME and free my heart for PEACE, LOVE, & JOY again!!!

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(unknown date)
(after elinor seizure)

CORE MINDFULNESS WORKSHEET: PRACTICING NONJUDGMENTAL STANCE

--------------------

1) Identify a judgment about yourself, someone else, or some situation.
"I am angry at/ scared of Elinor because of her panicked trials AND how scared she was last Sunday for unknown reasons"

2) Describe your reasons for letting go of this judgment.
-She is INNOCENT of blame; she was suffering from fear and needed LOVE
-I WANT to truly love & care for her as a FRIEND, like when we were talking outside
-I don't like how ugly this weeping-anger & absorbed fear feels

3) Replace the judgments with descriptions of facts, consequences, and/or your preferences about this.
- Elinor was scared on Sunday and did NOT want me to be scared, too
- I got scared & upset because I felt guilty that "it was easy/ enjoyable for me" in contrast
- I blamed her for feeling "obligated" to "fear" that meal, too, to "share/ take away" her pain and fear
- SHOWING PEACE, LOVE, COURAGE AND FEARLESSNESS would HEAL HER FEARS!!! ♥

4) Practice accepting the nonjudgmental descriptions and letting go of the judgments. Identify any words, actions (e.g. relaxation), body postures, or imagery that helps you let go.
- Breathe deeply! Remember, "do EVERYTHING for the glory of God"
- "let your actions inspire others to PEACE & HARMONY"
- "do NOTHING that may make your sister stumble, but INSTEAD set an example of FAITH for her growth & hope by GOOD WORKS!!!"
★ God created food INNOCENT; let it remain so! ♥
God LOVES Elinor as his daughter,; let Him love her more THROUGH YOU!! ♥

5) Remember not to judge your judging!
Let go of whatever hurts-- give it to God, and BEG Him to fill me with His Grace & Love & Virtue & Wisdom instead, for HIS glory!!!

6) Describe any changes you noticed in your acceptance or your emotions as you practiced nonjudgmental stance.
Everything flows. Peace & relief & hope & joy flourish.
LOVE STANDS IN CONQUERING VICTORY OVER ALL!!! ♥

May. 22nd, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, Amanda! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumb cake, a butter pat, an APPLE, raisins, Strawberry Greek yogurt, vanilla soymilk, strawberry Ensure, and chai green tea. I FORGOT how delicious that tea is!! It's all spices! Clove, especially, and anise & cinnamon & ginger... and no fruit flavors, which I kept assuming for some reason! It's LOVELY. I'll definitely be choosing it more often, to anchor the taste! You kids all know about the soymilk's smooth tofu-taste & the Ensure's "rhodochrosite" sweet milky-malty tone, BUT! You don't know about the APPLE!! ♥ We are INSTANT FRIENDS. ♥ And guess what the COOLEST THING I learned about it was? IT TASTES LIKE THE PIE AND THE JUICE!!! Really! The immediate, fresh flavor of the fruit-juice is just a bit brighter & clearer than the boxed one, BUT as you chew the fruit, its water-crisp-yet-soft, whitish-yellow flesh gets sweeter & spongier until it tastes LIKE a pie apple, sugars highlighted by the removal of most moisture. It's REALLY cool! And, the peel is similar to a grape's "chewy briskness" but also tougher, like a grape tomato's. As for the flavor-- it tastes like autumn smells, that's all I can say! I left it ON the fruit, so I couldn't differentiate color data, but ah well. It was 100% lovely as it was, regardless of whether or not I collected the data of its INHERENT, ever-present goodness! The raisins today also had some new data-- THEY taste like GRAPE JUICE morseo than fresh grapes?? Probably from the sugar? But yeah! More to focus on learning! I just don't know how to describe the "back of the throat sugar burn" that I get from both this & the apple pie, at least. But we shall live & learn. As for the yogurt, comparing it to the Ensure DID clarify its natural sourness, but it's actually LESS so than the vanilla? And, I really don't have any other current way to describe the flavor besides "dessert strawberry," in its pinkness (AND the actual fruit!), BUT it's a paler pink than that literal taste, so it's... smoother? Is "creamier" the correct term? It's literally the exact taste you'd expect of-- oh!! PINK MILK!!! ♥ NOT "strawberries IN milk," or "mixed WITH cream," no-- because the BASE is WHITE, NOT RED!!! ♥ Dude we are LEARNING today!!! ♥ So there ARE LAYERS in taste overlays, and the ORDER MATTERS!! That makes this SO much easier AND much cooler!! ♥ THANK you, yogurt friend!! And that even helps me describe the soymilk better-- THAT is vanilla-flavored soy, meaning the BASE is the soy, that particular matte silk-white-- and the vanilla warmth is washed OVER it!! See? Man I am so happy. But! We're not done just yet-- we have that lovely little crumbcake to sing about first! ♥ Remember that-- it is required, by love, that EVERY food be acknowledged, praised for its uniqueness, and treated with gratitude for its gift of life, ALL in blessing BY/ THROUGH acknowledging/ praising/ thanking/ loving GOD IN those foods, and in that experience... at EVERY MEAL, and in EVERY ENTRY. Love is devoted, and it plays no favorites, and it embraces & uplifts ALL, for the glory of God. So, ultimately, it is for ardent love for HIM, in His generosity & creativity & unfailing Grace & Goodness, that I make sure to INDIVIDUALLY give thanks for every gift given!! No skimping when LOVE calls the shots! ♥ And THAT is key, too-- even DURING the meals. In true love, EVERY bite is a gift, a blessing, a treasure. And so it IS. (Amen!) And that is why, no matter WHAT, I make sure I direct my heart & memory & focus & hope ON that love, AFTER each meal, to PERPETUATE, VALIDATE, EMPHASIZE, and STRENGTHEN that Love, for Now and for the future. This stuff is VITAL, for both the health of my body AND my soul-- AND for harmony without fail in ALL my interactions with life!! So, without further ado, that crumbcake was the sweetest little thing. ♥ Today, I clarified that it IS "yellow cake," not cornbread-- the texture isn't grainy, it's airy & soft & "fluff-crumby," whereas cornbread has a "heavier" crumble, and falls apart easy. Not so with the crumb cake! Or, at least, not entirely-- it is a fragile dear thing; bits of cake-y crumbs (big!) do fall from it as you bite it; it IS so light! But the berries are still purple-calm-happy in it, a perfect match, and the little champagne-color sugary crumb top is floury-sweet with WHITE sugar-- it's lovely, really! ♥ And of course, that BUTTER. Cool & creamy & mellow-round with its special salty, dairy-oil taste-- not "fatty," per se, but still obviously a fat in its smooth creaminess & lightness-- it is the PERFECT harmonizing tone to the even warmer, butterier glow of the cake, evened out gently by its flour base and kiss of pure white sugar. It is honestly blissful, thank you Go! ♥ I wonder if Mary made treats like this for Jesus, as a Child? I'm sure she did, really. ♥ And if God Himself (through Mary, too), continues to feed US with His sweet, Good gifts... of food, AND of the True Food. ♥

Lunch= breaded chicken, three potato pierogi w/ butter & herbs, a chocolate syrup mini-sundae, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, AND a bonus bag of plain Sun Chips! Yes, I got a meal plan increase, so today it manifested as an extra lunchtime CS, and of course I picked my favorite blessedly-healed snack. Honestly, it's lovely enough that they taste so warm & wholesome & comforting, and have that wonderful crisp crunch but softly-dense-light mouthfeel... but, the loveliest thing about them is the LOVE they are a constant reminder of-- a delicious gift as testament to the profound healing that HAD to occur to MAKE it a gift. Sun Chips are, literally, made entirely of foods I used to avoid in my unfortunately fearful past. BUT!! God worked a healing miracle for it in me! ♥ And now, whenever I eat them, and LOVE them AND the symphony of ingredients that make them, I am re-experiencing that miracle. I am living that miracle! And in that, I give the deepest thanks & praise to God-- just as I am now about to do for THIS miracle meal as well! ♥ First, that little sundae. Mondays, I have decided, are now perpetually consecrated to God, AND MARY, in honor of my mother and mothers everywhere-- the animals too!-- AND, primarily, as remembrance AND atonement for the "angelfood incident" two weeks ago. I will not forget it, for humility's sake-- but I WILL forgive it, for mercy's sake, and I WILL HEAL IT, for Love's sake. So, always a chocolate sundae. I should have also had 2% milk, but today I'm STILL trying to grasp the Ensure (trying too hard again, perhaps) so I picked soy. I love the silky-neutral-smooth soymilk taste & texture, and now it highlighted the heavily creamy, slightly frothy, thickly flavored Ensure in contrast. I think it's a less-yellow taste-color than I assumed? It's NOT buttery, and not quite "french" either? Closer to a Borders chai, maybe?? I don't recall! But we'll keep trying! ♥ I do love it, it's just evasive. But yes, the sundae is PURE white in comparison, a sweet, light, delicate, sugar-soft vanilla, leaning blue but brilliantly light white in truth. Actually, I don't think it has ANY color lean-- all that creamy sweet whiteness is just that! ♥ And, because of that clearness, it's a perfect complement to the chocolate syrup-- which tastes cocoa-y but medium-brown, sweet without being sugary? and has a LOVELY gummy-soft thickness when cold! I unfortunately didn't pay as close attention to this sundae as I should have-- I rushed time today-- and I am truly sorry, but I DO still love it truly nevertheless. The same goes for the pierogi & chicken! I have to say, these pierogi are so different from the ones back home, but I love them just as they are-- especially with how their "sealed edges" get so rubbery-chewy! I really love that texture when applied to flour-- but I don't like gooey, gummy flour. And these are not so! They're firm & even a little dry, but they're soft in the mouth, stiffly doughy & tasting of butteroil and a bit of salt. Plus! There seems to be a unique taste-quality TO the flour, even beneath the butter? I'm not sure yet! But I look forward to finding out next week-- as well as figuring out what those little herbs are! I'm assuming parsley, but honestly I don't know yet. Oh! And that potato filling! ♥ It actually has a touch of that "sourness," possibly from buttermilk, that the instant potatoes on Thursday do? Which is really cool! And they have SUCH a smooth, velvety texture. They taste of salt & butteroil, with that lovely sourness, and of course the beloved flavor of potatoes themselves-- yellow potatoes, mind you! ♥-- and paired with the more docile white-brown flour base embracing them, they are a lovely combination of tones. ♥ All gentle, gold-touched warmth. As for the chicken? Well, remember how, when I first got here, I said it tasted like KFC in my memory? IT DOES. It's a bit saltier than the home kind, AND it has pepper in it, AND I think there's a lot more oil in the breading, because not only is it GOLDEN browned-- nope, NOT tan/ beige like I kept assuming!-- but the ends are HARD & CRISPY, and SO rich in flavor, and the chicken beneath is juicy pinkish-white and even a little taupe-toned in places... KFC, dude. Violin concert afterparty. That RICHNESS of taste, all salted, oily, light-meaty and peppery, WITHOUT being greasy or bitingly salty... and that crispiness!! That golden-browned breading!! Oh my gosh. How I FORGOT it was like that I will NEVER know, but God allowed it, because today it was SUCH a blissful surprise!! ♥ And THAT made it even better-- it made me love & appreciate & enjoy it even more. God, your generous fatherly joyous loving Goodness never fails, and I am SO deeply thankful for You & Your gifts!!! ♥

Dinner= meatloaf, french fries, a spinach salad w/ mushrooms, 2 grape tomatoes, & ranch dressing, an oatmeal raisin cookie, and vanilla Ensure. I just realized-- it's meatloaf Monday! Alliteration ahoy! But that was the last part of this meal, so let's start with the Ensure, because I STILL CAN'T "GET IT" AND THAT IS SO WEIRD. The closest thing I can think of to compare it to this time is a vanilla Tootsie roll. Really! At least I know it's leaning towards warmer vanilla tones. More tries tomorrow! (God's gotta have an amusing reason for this data delay; maybe He's just helping me grow in attentiveness & determination? Probably-- and He's probably waiting patiently for me to PRAY more about this, too! ♥ That's really... beautifully sweet, so I shall.) Next up? Our beloved spinach salad! ♥ And oh did I get data for THIS today! ♥ The dedicated focus & love paid off! PLUS, I ate the tomatoes & mushrooms by hand-- you'd be amused how BIG of a "presence booster" actually touching the food is! So, guess what? The grape tomatoes are virtually identical to grapes in terms of mouthfeel. Isn't that cool? Even their jelly insides are firmer than I thought yesterday! So besides the different seeds & slightly "thinner" skin, they're practically twins-- taste aside, of course! But they are quite sweet, surprisingly, even moreso THAN grapes at times? Grapes can be quite tart! And sweeter grapes are sugary, like raising. Not so the tomato!! Sweet tomatoes have a RED sweetness-- it's rounder & mellower; less sweet, more of a sweetness? Like bell peppers, and even a base taste of strawberries. Red is a nice produce taste, it's very unique & good. Same with the fungi I am practically obligated to love the taste of (literally, too-- Love IS my mission here, after all!)! They're so light in weight & texture & color, and they taste of damp earthiness-- NOT literal "earth" like a potato, but... like the smell of a deep moist forest. Petrichor!! ♥ And yet their TEXTURE is beyond words; it's so delicate and spongy-but-breakable, and CLEAN "snap soft" breaks, no tearing... and its woods-wet flavor-tone is subtle but it has strength from its brownness, however pale, in terms of personality. Meek but powerful in wisdom, as it were! Good ol' fungi friends. AND they, amusingly & wonderfully, taste REALLY GOOD with our cultured friend-- the ranch dressing!! Yes, there's BUTTERMILK in it! I adore that dressing at this point; it's creamy but not "light," it's white but STRONG white, with a punch of flavor-- and its unique sweetly-soured milkiness is ALSO PERFECT with the richly green flavor of the SPINACH! ♥ Honestly, one bite and I thought, "WOW that tastes dark green!!" Like, RICHLY dark green, not the muddy sort. Emerald, almost! It has a chlorophyll flavor BUT not primarily?? Spinach tastes less like grass (lighter greens) and more like LEAVES (darker greens) and I LOVE IT SO. ♥ So the salad was quite a joy today! Next, the cookie tasted VERY sweet with what HAD to be BROWN sugar, because it had that molasses-sweet potency to it, not the vivid sparkle of white sugar. It was VERY sweet, but due to the brown influence, it wasn't overpowering! And the purple-brown raisins fit perfectly into it, that smidgen of sugar-tart blending nicely with the cookie sweetness AND the soft base of the flour, in its dough taste way down low in the flavor stack. And it was a harder-baked cookie today, too, actually hard-breakable & crumbling starkly too! But I really enjoyed it-- as I enjoyed the FRIES & MEATLOAF! All caps because I love savory food and they really were that good! Plus I took my sweet time, 13+ minutes each! The fries, oh man; the pointy-edge ones are golden with oil & firmly crisp-soft with it too, and the potato inside has the softness of heat & the same richly mellowed flavor as the pierogi... while the meatloaf is beautifully beefy but uniquely sour-toned and flecked through with nubs of fat, its texture so different than other meat entrees-- it's dry like a burger, but it's moist on the inside to the point of falling apart when you cut it! And to chew it, it is hamburger-y, but the fat adds chewiness & the dry top affects the mouthfeel... dude I am so sorry but I actually need more descriptive data there! The TASTE is what really caught me today, that uniquely meaty but sour-bright flavor. I wonder why! But trust me, I LOVE it. And, by the way? Roast beef tastes WAY different-- it's a DARK neutral brown, & pairs best WITH neutral lights-- like mayo, ranch, eggs; that bit of sourness is the perfect complement. But WARMER browns, like this meatloaf, seem to do better with saturated warms? Like ketchup, not tomato slices. And not mayo or ranch, or cocktail sauce, but maybe hot sauce? It's all so interesting! And honestly I can't wait to discover more, both here & when I'm discharged into the wide wide world of deeper discovery outside. Just treat it all with love, respect, & gratitude, in SERVICE to God AND others, and you'll be A-Okay! ♥
(btw snack today was 2 plain Sun Chips & a pretzel NuGo. ♥ I was exhausted, but I loved it.)

May. 21st, 2017 09:30 am = Skillful Sunday! ♥

Breakfast= vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure (told you I'd try! ♥), a fresh fruit cup (grapes, pineapple, honeydew, cantaloupe), cream cheese, a cheese omelette, & an English muffin! Oh, and jasmine green tea! I apologize; my brain is exhausted this morning & I'm quite sleepy, but in a good "Sunday rest" way. Still, it makes it tough to review data clearly. BUT! I have GREAT news for data collection-- Vanilla Ensure? It tastes like PUDDING! ♥ Really, the color should've given me a hint! But in truth, what made me "get it" today was-- again!-- Laurie asking me to describe it-- by COMPARISON! Does it taste like vanilla ice cream? Cake? Cookie cream? And what's the difference in the soymilk? Well, I did that last one first, & noticed that there's a vaguely salty touch to the Ensure? Whereas the soymilk has a "flatter" base, very matte-white & papery simple, with a delicate golden-vanilla kiss to its aftertone? Again, cold it's so hard to tell-- but we get a second chance at dinner today! ♥ So I'll clarify it then. However! That surprisingly "warm" vanilla tone (difficult to place under the blueness of the temperature, & how it mixes with the ever-so-minutely blue-leaning base neutral-white!), and the unusually "salt"-like buttery tone (THAT'S the word! almost, at least!) of the Ensure in comparison, is what made my mind-- after mentally comparing the other vanilla-tones (I NEED to make a list!), -- land solidly on "pudding!!" So we FINALLY have a taste anchor! ♥ Plus, we get TWO extra chances to deepen our data today; thank You God! Now, the other big goal for today was the fruit cup. However! We have an unexpected obstacle to pure data-- the fruits are all sitting in mostly PINEAPPLE JUICE! And that tartness is masking the other flavors! But I still did my best to be attentive to all of it. The grapes were softer & therefore sweeter, less tart, and therefore actually closer in taste to raisins! And this time I got SKIN data-- tough & tart, solid in "fiber" like an onion skin, and a tad bitter-- like a grape seed is! But with that added wine-bite to give it that color edge. The honeydew was still cool & dew-fresh & so light in flavor & color-- it's mostly water! But it has that delicate round "melon sweetness" to it-- a docile sweet, curved & gently happy, bright like summer pastel hues. Same with the cantaloupe & its vermilion-leaning fullness of that fragile hue, widening that smile to feel like a beach ball in your hands? Kind of? It's round & wider, but still so light! And its softness is a much easier "give"-- no resistance at all, just smooth teeth-sink, almost like a child's happy hug-- whereas honeydew has the slightest cucumber-y briskness to its texture-- otherwise, it's FAR lighter than cantaloupe, which has a soft "density" to its flash; honeydew is, again, spaced clearly with rain-taste! It has a tiny resistant firmness, but once that is acknowledged, the rest is like a drink, practically! It's lovely. And yes, I LOVE 'EM BOTH-- and I had the oddly strong feeling that Iridicel is the one who really likes cantaloupe-- it fits her personality well, giving MORE awesome support to yesterday's idea!-- and although Unidome isn't predisposed to liking it, he still says it's HIS favorite because she loves it so. ♥ That's such devotion to harmony & love... and, beautifully, so is exactly what WE are striving for, here, in ALL foods, for ALL love. ♥ And on that note? The pineapple. Let me say it plainly= when I, through Christ, recognize how much I LOVE my family, and how much I LOVE my friends in SLC, notably Jacob-- then, I recognize that they only ever wanted, so badly, for me TO love this fruit WITH them... THAT'S why they kept giving it to me! Their hearts were just aching to further share their joy with mine, in mutual happy appreciation of life, of tart-acid yet deep-sweet bright yellow exuberance, held so strongly like sunlight in the juicy, fibrous-stringed, water-fresh but flavor-brilliant fruit I was FINALLY able to eat WITH and IN that love today!! I was scared of pineapple back then, falsely, not recognizing it as God's pure & benevolent, harmless gift of Goodness-- but now? I see that even back then, it was Good, and so were (are!! ♥) those beloved souls whose generous, hopeful offerings of service & community gave me the beloved, sweet wounds that now allowed for DEEPEST healing. ♥ And so it is. As for my fave foods? The muffin bitterness has a BLUE/ SWISS CHEESE tone?? Like mold on bread??? But NOT BAD! That's the wonder of fermentation-- more transmutation of death & decay into LIFE-GIVING LIFE! ♥ And of course it was soft & sweet & so good... ESPECIALLY with the CREAM CHEESE (♥!), which is THICK & salty and yet soured-milk-cheesy & a tad sweet?? And with a density like heavy cheese WITHOUT tackiness or mouth-stickiness, although it DOES have that "teeth-sucking" heavy pull! I LOVE it. As for my dear omelette? The egg is naturally light in flavor but kissed by butter's warmth & crisp oil and the cheese's mellow sweet-salt amber, it sings in perfect fluffy-light airy harmony, its literal texture exactly so blessed-- softly spongy & slightly sweet and so, so simply pure delicious. ♥ What a gift from God this breakfast was-- the tea, too! ♥

Lunch= a medium salad (w/ iceberg lettuce, 2 grape tomatoes, 3 cucumber slices, & bits of julienned carrot & purple cabbage + turkey strips, half an egg, & Swiss cheese, too!! ♥), golden Italian dressing, apple juice, apple pie, a dinner roll, a butter pat, and vanilla Ensure. I compared the juice to the pie, pairing bites with sips, and WHOA! The juice is a crisp, bright, tart, fresh clear amber-- literally too, no surprise!-- but the pie filling has no bite, instead tasting a warm amber, sweet & soft but spongy and still a bit crisp, and so mellow & richly round, with the smallest hint of tart deep down! It was a sunny autumn day, and a brisk autumn night by the fire. Sun & warm-glow, fresh-outdoors & comforting-indoors, and both so solidly apple-rich in their own unique ways! ♥ It was a joy. Also! I DIDN'T DECONSTRUCT THE PIE! ♥ And paired with that soft-buttery-crumb, lard-oiled (the only fitting quality!) crust, wonderfully textured AND just as surprisingly "quiet" in flavor as the Fig Newtons-- although this crust DID have the fat-kissed golden-brushed tone over its warm light brown base, just a hint of salted cream?-- matched with that childhood-familiar simple doughy taste & texture of neutral flour touched with amber-brown, that richer amber SOARS in its embracing sweet glow! Unity prevails in beauty again! ♥ Same with the salad-- the amber (again!)-vivid bite, leaning yellow, of the dressing, with its little harmonies of garlic & red pepper, is this brilliantly piquant wake-up zip to the mild, high-tint, cool & delicate freshness of the lettuce & cucumber, a similar nip to the cabbage while balancing its violet expansive-power taste perfectly, a welcome neighbor to the sweet orange carrots, also leaning towards yellow in their lightness-- and I unfortunately don't know how it'd sing with the tomatoes because I ate those alone and they are like VEGETABLE GRAPES!!! So even though they probably are cherry tomatoes, I will now think of them as siblings to today's purple breakfast fruit! SAME skin texture, or almost-- tomatoes have a tad more plasticity, a tad less tightness? Hard to word! But grapeskin is tougher, & tomato skin more tearable BUT less chewable? In your mouth it stays more together. But yes! The jellylike insides, too, are close-- but grapes are more gel, more solid, and tomatoes are more water-filled, bits of "gel" loosely held and leaking out easily. Grapes "pop" but tomatoes "burst!" It's all the water inside. But oh man, discovering their similarities was SO COOL. ♥ I'd love to have them together, one day. See? A tomato CAN fit perfectly into a fruit salad!! ♥ As well as a turkey chef one! On that note, I don't know how they prepare the salad turkey but it is SO sweet & moist & soft!! And yet, being meat, it still has that tacky-texture on your teeth when you chew it! Oh, and there was FAT in it, too-- lovely clear long bits like in the chicken tenders! I never thought I'd enjoy fat this much, but here we are. ♥ Hey, my body NEEDS it to live! And fat is a Good thing! ♥ So I treasure it too. Turkey also has a unique taste undertone that I can only describe as sour? Like lunchmeat? But no salt! And at least this turkey does, I can't speak for the fresh kind yet! Next, the egg-- each part separately today, for the sake of grasping its unique aspects better. The yolk ISN'T tacky, but it has almost the SAME chew-texture as chicken, or the turkey, just a little softer in feel. It's VERY unique! It has a super-dry crumb BUT it's MOIST, and it actually has VERY LITTLE flavor intensity-- like four, it too can be easily used as a unitive agent,and so it-- AND the whites!-- have very little flavor strength of their own. The yolk has a slight dry-mellow yellow (like a butter yellow, leaning amber?) taste, but it's actually not color-saturated as one might assume! Same with the white; it has a lovely milky blueish white taste, but it's VERY mild, AND it matches its texture? Smooth, glossy/ rubbery, but soft-breaking into solid pieces. It's nice!! You know what ELSE is nice? THE SWISS CHEESE. It still has that uniquely "thick stiff cream" mouthfeel, and it DOES have a notably milky taste, compared to the saltiness of oranger cheeses-- but, thanks to this morning, what stood out the most today was that "good mold" overtone that the English muffin also had! I need to be able to describe it better; I need to discover more foods prepared similarly! As you probably guessed, considering my odd taste-preference for cultured/ fermented foods. But yes, I really appreciate & enjoy the unusual taste qualities of Swiss cheese now-- good, because I plan on visiting their native country one day! ♥ And lastly, while we're on the topic of dairy products & fermentation, how about that ROLL & BUTTER? ♥ They are always so nice. The rolls are always fluffy & airy, but when compressed they become doughy but still soft enough to be easily torn, and in the mouth they are so bready-sweet and enjoyable... and, to save that last delicious bite to pair perfectly with the sweet-cream, salt-kissed brightness of butter? Dude if I could chew that one bite for ten minutes I would! It's LOVELY. Thank God for creating such lovely things!! ♥ I've really grown to treasure this lunch & the special "Sabbath serenity" feeling it also brings. It's just so simple & beautiful & peaceful & nice. ♥ Thank God for Sunday-- literally!!

Dinner= SALMON SUNDAY! ♥ plus its friends: a baked potato, broccoli, a butter pat, vanilla soymilk, a vanilla magic cup, and vanilla Ensure! I put the butter on the WHOLE potato today! It really did help soften it, & enrichen its flavor. And the skin was slightly "tough" from baking, dark brown & peeling off in places, but it WASN'T BURNT and it tasted so good. ♥ About that!! The potato has a "DIRT" taste, not bad, just straight-up EARTH. It's actually nice! AND, when you really taste the center white, guess what? THERE'S THAT RAISIN-BANANA-FIG SOUR TASTE AGAIN! It's gotta be potassium, man; that's all I can figure! But THAT'S the "acrid" taste on the potato cod!! Mystery solved! ♥ But yes, I THOROUGHLY enjoyed every bite. ♥ The butter melted into it, by the way, so you couldn't taste its cream, BUT it did give that subtle warm-yellow wash of fat & salt, effectively making the white potato taste closer to an actual yellow one! ♥ Cool stuff, honestly. And also, next time I kind of want to try a bit of ketchup and/or hot sauce on it? Because it DOES taste so earthy in the literally "grounding" skin flavor, and the potato itself is a nicely neutral (but NOT "flavorless!") starch taste-- one which I DO need to clarify further, descriptively, as I do like potatoes-- such a warmer flavortone might work very well? Differently from fries, of course, as those have added oil-- AND different because I ate the potato WARM! And THAT affects the "taste song," too! ♥ I think neutral tastes benefit nicely & happily from warmth-- like the dinner roll & burgers!-- which is probably why baked goods are always tastier fresh out of the oven, of course! ♥ So many new discoveries to make; thank you God, our great & wondrous, Loving Creator!! ♥ So that's the potato. As for the vanilla trio? The Ensure & Magic Cup have rather similar flavor tones-- more buttery vanillas-- but the Ensure has added neutral tan colortones, making it more "even" than the rich "french vanilla" warmth of the Magic Cup, reminiscent of the smoothly silk-colored balance of the soymilk-- WHICH has a NOTABLE tofu flavor!! (duh, but THANKS LAURIE!)-- but still too notably colored to ever be so comparatively neutral. There IS a saltiness to it; I wish I knew how else to describe it than "yes it legit tastes like vanilla pudding"! Ah well. If I have to try again twice tomorrow, & compare it to the sundae this time, then I shall! But that's that for that for now! (What a tongue twister!) Last up, we have our beloved broccoli & special salmon. ♥ Salmon doesn't have a water-source taste?? And it isn't even that fishy in scent or taste? It's neat! I wonder if it's the pinkness? Because cod is MUCH lighter, & sweeter, & watery & lake!-tasting; Salmon is... denser, firmer, meatier? It's not very watery at all but... now that I think of it, I think there's a very bottom-tone fishy/ river taste? VERY low in the taste package, so to speak. I'll have to pay SUPER attention to it next week; I apologize! That and the broccoli-- the stems were EXTRA firm (hard to even cut!) and sweet today, tasting EXTRA green & bright with fresh water as a result-- but I can't remember how the crowns tasted. Or the Magic Cup, for that matter. I didn't give enough time to those to pay proper attention, and I'm sorry... but now, we can heal more deeply next Sunday. ♥

Snack= Three bags of good ol' plain Sun Chips! That was the only flavor left, but I love them, so it worked out lovely. ♥ To be honest with you? I'm probably going to have Sun Chips most nights! NuGos are good, but too much sugar too late-- ESPECIALLY chocolate-- makes my sleep rather uneasy. Which is understandable! They're innocent and I love them, truly; nighttime just isn't the optimal time for my body, who has to digest all that sugar, and can't properly do so when I take us to bed! But tea helps, and above all, God knows best, and He sent His Spirit to my soul, to tell my body and I the proper thing to do. I just need to lovingly, trustingly listen. ♥

May. 20th, 2017 09:30 am = time for a new pen!

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, vanilla soymilk, strawberry Ensure, earl grey tea, and TWO Pop Tarts: one blueberry, one strawberry! Thank you, God, for giving me that comparison opportunity! ♥ And also, thank You, God, for LAURIE, who kept me aware & attentive so I COULD get that data!! ♥ Now, the first thing I want to mention as a general, miraculous rule of thumb, is that ALL foods DO taste how they are colored!! It really is a beautiful wonder. But yes, this applied to the PopTart fillings today! The blueberry tastes INDIGO-purple, honestly right between the two, and the strawberry tastes BRIGHT red, with the tiniest pinkish edge, and a tint of white while staying saturated. Expectedly, the SB has a quicker, upbeat, playful vibe, while staying gentle in its sweet pinkish leaning (warmer leanings tend towards fiery energy: a more zealous hue than red's solid strong courage), and BB's vibe is cooler, calmer, but still smiling happily, soothing in blue but encouraging in its touch of violet leaning. Both have the childlike sweetness of a touch of white sugar, too-- and the icing is ALL that, and far moreso understandably, with a subtle sugar-crystal texture undertone that brightens it even more! Icing, especially with its touch of milk, tastes like a boundlessly happy child, a little bit still a baby in its simple, natural "immaturity," but all the more baby-loveable for it, in its innocent exuberance. Color DOES inevitably add to it, but again, that's to be discussed elsewhere & elsewhen! For now it's just PopTarts, and the beloved fact that Laurie POINTEDLY called me to attention SEVERAL times over them, most notably for the biscuit part! "Describe it to me," she said, which demanded PRESENCE & rapt attention. And, "obviously" but still "amazingly," that, too, tastes like it looks! AND, due to that extra focus, I was ALSO able to get the BASIC FLOUR DATA so now it'll be easier to identify in other foods! ♥ It's, most simply, like the bottom-essence of baking. Kneading pure dough, with nothing added but the baking powder & soda-- no butter, no milk, no sugar. The taste of it on your fingertips after flouring the countertop! THAT'S the flavor-- it's tough to describe BECAUSE it's so utterly elementary. But really, the surprising quality of white flour is the LACK of the "whole grain wholesome" taste that darker, full grains carry! Plain flour has just enough of a lingering hint of it, just the tiniest starch-sweet levelness, to have the subtlest tan tint-- stark whites are virtually impossible in nature; only white sugar & salt taste LEGITIMATELY so. Milk & boiled eggs lean towards blue, for example. But yes! White flour is almost plain white, but not quite! AND, as such, it's really a perfect blank canvas for other flavors, that lingering wholesome-hint establishing a gentle baseline support. And flour ALWAYS has that soft-kneaded, but slightly heavy texture... oh, come on; it's DOUGHY. It's BREADY in scent & FLOURY in taste. Elementary, my dear!! So that's that-- but remember, flour is virtually ALWAYS a unitive food-- Jesus knew what He was talking about with wheat!! ♥ It's a natural "binder," it easily brings & holds ingredients together. And in the PopTarts? It gains the flavor & color & soft-but-crumbly-firmness of butter & baking! Really, there's minimal sugar in the biscuit part; the icing & filling do that job in supportive harmony with it! The biscuit has that salted-cream golden glow to it, but slight-- it's still mostly a light brown color; lots of plain white to ground that golden yellow into that distinctive floury-oily-tinysugarsalty taste! The raisins, too, have a distinct taste-- but today? I REALLY looked at them, and realized, they are literally just dried grapes. Shriveled by sun until they lose their blue-water color & taste, instead purpling from the sun-drying warm influence, until they become tiny & condensed in moist but firm-squishy denseness of texture. And that moistness makes them purpler than violet, and when I taste them now? I CAN TELL THEY ARE GRAPES!!! ♥ That's a huge victory! I can grasp that particular sweetness & "tartness" that a fresh grape carries, but scrunched up solid & intensified by the lack of water-given spaciousness-- water doesn't just "lighten," it "clarifies" BY "spreading out" flavors! So without it, everything is COMPACT and it hits harder in smaller amounts! Hence the flavor-punches of SALT (the ultimate waterless edible) and dried fruit & meat and spices, too. But yeah! Revelation! ♥ And of course, the crystalline-sugar punch of the fructose is surprisingly overwhelming at first-- WHICH IS WHY SOAKING OR THOROUGHLY CHEWING RAISINS MAKES THEM TASTE CLEARER!!! It diffuses the impact so it makes more sense, in being less of a huge "all at once" flavor punch. So I chew 'em well! And they taste red-violet at the center. THAT'S the tart-sugar color. Like a PLUM!!! Dude we are learning a LOT today!! So yes, raisins. Dried vine grapes would DEFINITELY taste different!! Boxed grapes-- well, raisins-- are probably the red & green varieties?? I'm not sure! I should look it up, but I'm assuming red. Anyway, knowledge has been gained, by the Grace & Gifts & Wonder & Boundless Creative Joy of God!! ♥ So that's our little dried fruit friends. The oatmeal is next, and Spine asked me to pay close attention to it, being a "brown" food-- but actually? "Brown" in and of itself has LOTS of flavor! Pale "browns," with a high tint, are understandably less dense in flavor. So it is with the oats! Yes, instant oats are much "whiter" in flavor than steel-cut, obviously! PLUS they cook them with water, which further spreads out the flavor's intensity. But!! Oats are still a grain, and ALL grains have that good wholesome undertone, in varying colors. These had it lightly, as that pale brown. Obviously! But it's still nice, & a very fittingly "neutral" offset to the intensity of the raisins-- which is why I REALLY want to UNITE 'em on Tuesday, to see how they play together (if they want to!), now that I have both their data clear. Also! Oatmeal has a TACKINESS to its texture, notably the lumpier bits-- which do have that tacky teeth-stick (like a post-it note!) when you chew them! And the more liquid part, like slightly starchy milkiness, is a bit tacky too-- NOT like flour, but like... bran in water? It's the structure of grain itself that adds the inherent firmness. And it didn't have that savory taste today, which is good, because it wouldn't have went very well with all that white sugar!! But it was lovely & comforting & simple, cool on top & warm on the bottom-- temperatures that highlighted individually the "bluish" flavor of the water-thin wholesome taste, and the inherent "warmer" tones of both whole grains & their native brown color-- although, heat DOES intensify the present flavor too, and a heated "blandness" becomes a little papery? But no matter! Paper is WOOD and that stuff tastes great in its own way, too!! But yeah. Too much complex contemplation to discuss here, again. Let's wrap this up by mentioning our two constants-- the vanilla soymilk & the strawberry Ensure! They UPPED my Ensure intake today, so now it's easier to get the flavor data (more in a cup = more in your mouth = more substance to get data from = more repeated intakes before the cup is empty!)... and I am happy to say that the Strawberry kind STILL tastes straight-up of Easter morning, in its "pink-colored white chocolate" taste. It's TRULY enjoyable! Also I'm wondering if breakfasts get cleared data in general?? As my mind & senses are fresh awake & ready-clear for the day, whereas they can get inundated as the day goes on. But! That's something to take as a healing challenge!! ♥ A wound to love with. If my mind gets blurry with overwhelm over time, start taking steps to soothe it! Rest it, meditate more, clear it & just soak up pure unlabeled, unjudged Creation-beauty like a plant! ♥ Take a break from all this writing
& reading, for heaven's sakes; too much of a good thing can STILL burn you out, love!! BALANCE. Even God rested on the 7th day, love. You NEED to do the same. And, relatedly, tell Laurie to keep reminding you to PAY ATTENTION! (KARUNA!! ♥) Show respect & gratitude & compassion THROUGH ATTENTIVE, CONSCIOUS PRESENCE and the AWARENESS of life, which is GOD in gift & hologram & shade & flicker & glow, that is attained IN & THROUGH PRESENCE!! Because GOD gave you this life to LIVE, and this body to INHABIT in ORDER to LIVE, and this entire Creation to SHARE in life WITH you, FOR you, THROUGH you... and a lot of Creation is food, you notice. Giving, manifested in deepest function. It's awe-inspiring; it's reverential. And every experience of it is miraculous-- every bite is a victory in Christ, a victory of life over death, THROUGH death, INTO life. Perpetual glorification of BEING, of God's ineffable TRUTH. Eternity & infinity reflected so meekly & hidden in such tiny, everyday, human moments. And the miracle of life IN that transmutation-- the tastes, the colors, the textures!! All praise & glory & honor be to God the Creator!! He spun together the sweetness of vanilla, that always-loved creamy texture & coolness of the soymilk (although I DO want to try it room temperature!)... AND the new and wondrous taste of EARL GREY TEA!! ♥ I kid you not, my friends, I think I have a new favorite. It's the sophisticated herbal-bitter taste of black tea (which I have learned to love), but with a LEGIT citrus overtone! It's SO GOOD. I was surprised! But I'll tell you what, I'll DEFINITELY be having it again-- probably Monday, as tomorrow is JASMINE tea day, and you just can't beat the beautifully delicate floral taste of that. Plus... it makes me think of Easter. So, there's no better tea for a blessed Sunday morning! ♥ Amen. ♥

Lunch= baked chicken on a wheat bun, 2 tomato slices & 1 big lettuce leaf, broccoli & cheese soup with carrot & onion (no potato today!), chocolate Ensure, and a strawberry-syrup sundae. GUESS WHO ATE THE WHOLE BURGER (pun happily intended), WITH lettuce & tomato on it, too? Yes, we did!! ♥ And it was LOVELY!! The sweet-pinkish-red, slightly tart (LIKE A PEACH!! ♥ Seriously, it's that SAME flavor kiss!) brightness-- and uniquely "aerated" firm spongy texture of its meat-- of the tomato slices, the tiny bitter-bright nip of their seeds, & the cool wet jell around them... it adds SUCH a perfect flavor complement to the meat & the bread! And with the crisp, wet, vibrant green & water-cool joy of fresh lettuce, tasting so fully ALIVE in its verdant hue, rich in that ever-beloved chlorophyll taste... that doesn't so much "complement" as "enlighten" whatever it is paired with! It uplifts the WHOLE, which is really special. The wheat bun is SO GOOD, oh my gosh-- and for whatever reason, the tomato's moistening influence on it made it SWEETER? Maybe because of the bit of acidity interacting with the starches? Who knows-- all I can say is WOW. I have become QUITE the fan of whole wheat's wholesome brown flavor, and that sweet undertone it gained here... honestly, I can only praise God for such Goodness! SO! Now imagine how those three ingredients harmonized with the light, juicy, herbal-kissed chicken meat!! DOUBLE WOW. It all tasted so LIGHT!! But the bun was a PERFECT "grounding" base for it-- in wondrous comparison to yesterday's WHITE bun, whose sweetness & plain lightness was the perfect lifting influence on the heavier, meatier (pun intended) flavors of the cheese & beef. And there, too, the lettuce & tomato added that heavenly spark of luminous clarity. Really, levity!! But I thought that meat/bun, color/weight harmonizing was REALLY cool. In short? I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED this burger!! ♥ Love & healing have happened 100%! And so it ALSO was with the SUNDAE-- which Laurie encouraged me throughout, guiding my focus & appreciative affection for the dear treat from Our Lord-- yes, specifically these sundaes, in light of their tumultuous history that paved a powerfully fertile path for virtue to bloom upon--because today? Not only did the syrup+cream mixed bits taste legitimately PINK-- that blissfully gentle, soft, deeply compassionate tint-- but I DIDN'T HAVE ANY "NEGATIVE" REACTION! No dizziness, nothing!! It was purely a blessing today. ♥ The syrup was joyously red & summer-strawberry-bright, actually tasting JUST like this morning's Pop Tart! And the ice cream was the softest, sweetest, gentlest thing... so warmly comforting even in its cold temperature! Jesus remembered how sincerely I asked Him to heal & bless it last week, and with that process accepted & remembered in humble, truly grateful trust? THIS is its fruit! Forgiveness, friendship, & joy through Grace! ♥ Now, last up? The broccoli cheese soup! Laurie had me describe it to her, and guess what? It DOES taste amber!! There's actually very little "cheesy" flavor to it; it's subtle & lighter, like on the english muffin & omelettes-- not the orangey-warm flavorful sort on the burger patties! Those WORK with an equally "big" cheese taste, but this creamy soup needed delicacy to hold the vegetables more gently. And how nicely it does! The broccoli is that special "softly firm" texture, and its heat-warmed-to-olive-tinted-green color lends its flavor a similarly mellow touch-- and in any case, the particular taste of cruciferous vegetables tends to go VERY WELL with cheese! The carrot bits are a rich orange AND are actually pretty firm! Not mushy whatsoever, but not hard. A nice, medium "bite-ability" is where they're at! It's nice on the teeth. And!! You did read correctly-- there were NO potatoes in today's soup; instead there were little unmistakeable bits of chopped onion! They, too, have a bite-texture that you can't misplace. It's close to, but firmer/ "crisper" than a tomato slice, similar to raw bell pepper maybe? I like it. But it does have a nice softness in soup. And, again, onion goes well with lighter cheese! I suppose the cooked carrots do, too-- as this soup tastes amber, not orange, so they don't conflict. Instead, the carrots add an analogous richness to the taste-hue! I'm telling you, man-- symphonies. Taste paintings!! Edible color schemes! It really is all a joy... all such a blessing. ♥

Dinner= the BEST chicken tenders, a BIG heap of french fries, peach yogurt, vanilla Ensure, & Fig Newtons! The Fig Newtons were actually very surprising, taste wise-- the floury covering is virtually flavorless! I'm serious-- I nibbled it off the long-sides of each cookie, and really rolled it around in my mouth, but besides that now-recognized flour texture, light & soft-dry easy crumbing, and the sort of "base" neutral flavor-essence it holds, there was virtually NO data TO get!! That was unexpected! BUT! Now I know why-- because the fig filling is as intense as any other dried fruit, and its fruit-tart, fruit-sugar flavor wallop would have been WAY too powerful for anything BUT the simplest of grounding flour-flavors to handle!! Isn't that a beautifully perfect paradoxical pairing? The "weakest" crumbly cookie-coating imaginable, almost tasteless on its own, is the ONLY grain able to embrace the sheer strength of flavor the figs contain. Not only that, but they're a match, a union! That's as sweet as the figs themselves! ♥ And boy howdy, they ARE sweet-- without that floury bed they'd be TOO much! (More reason for trying the raisins with the oatmeal on Tuesday-- who knows? They might "fall in love" too! As will I, undoubtedly. ♥) But MOST interestingly was their flavor color. That raisin-like "tart" taste registered as the same purplish-maroon in my head, almost black in denseness of taste & structure, BUT! Then I realized the quality of the SWEETNESS-- it was NOT like a raisin, but like a DATE!! And, looking, yes-- the filling was BROWN! They're not the assumed plum-dark mission figs, but the tart yet syrupy TURKISH figs!! And the taste CLICKED. ♥ The perfect balance of sugary richness & sour roundedness, held together in harmony within that flour. And yes, they actually DO remind me of Grandpa, taste-wise! I wonder, what a person's favorite tastes & flavor interplays might say about their personality? THAT'S a really cool & inspirational thought!!! I'll DEFINITELY have to contemplate that later-- ESPECIALLY in the Leagueworlds!!! ♥ But now? It's PEACH YOGURT TIME. Yes, it tastes that creamy-pale pleasant orange tint, and its texture is just as soft & gentle, silky smooth. There aren't many peach bits in it, but they are nice & firm & flavorful-- like nips of the ones I had last night! The whole thing really just has this preciously delicate but happy balance of dairy-calm and the simple sunny gladness of ripe, juicy, water-plump fruit... you might even say it's-- wait for it-- peaches and cream. BA-dum-tssh!! ♥ Honestly, it's super nice. Although, fruity flavors work better earlier in the day! They just match that vibe. Evening foods are like blankets, often-- warm & comforting without weighing you down. And so we have our Saturday evening CHICKEN & POTATOES!! ♥ And both done warmly but lightly enough to give that last boost of encouraging strength as the day winds down. The fries were ESPECIALLY tasty today! They were warm & soft & nicely hard-crisp at the pointy bits, rich with oil without being greasy. And fries DON'T have the heaviness of baked potatoes, texture-wise! They aren't as soft as mashed, but they're getting there, so to speak-- and we all know that mushy fries are the tastiest. Just like French toast! ♥ Honestly that's why I won't put ketchup on them-- it overpowers their simple but much-loved potatoey goodness. And they're such a nice prelude to THAT CHICKEN! I LOVE that peppery breading so much, all crispy-hard (like the fries) at the edges, soft in the middle, all smoothed with oil. And the chicken itself, so tasty with those stripes of tougher fat, and so soft, without being juicy (which wouldn't go with fried breading-- juicy breaded perfection is MONDAY'S chicken meal! ♥) or mushy. It's lovely. Lastly... I have to laugh.That poor vanilla Ensure!! I just can't seem to grasp it! Well, tomorrow I'll just have to have it at ALL THREE MEALS! Plus, I'll have the opportunity to compare it to the soymilk AND a Magic Cup! It's a richer vanilla than the yogurt & ice creams anyway, so the closer comparisons should help my mind grasp it clearer. We'll give it our best shot, as always, with God's help! ♥

Snack= tonight was the TRIPLE NUGO NIGHT and my intuition agreed! ♥ It was nice to have them all together again. It's just a lot of sugar at once-- but really, dude, after breakfast, I cannot complain! Really, focus on the love, which heals all ills, and fosters friendship & gratitude in ALL things. The salty crispness of the pretzel, the minty cocoa-cookie loveliness of the mint, the warm cozy simple sweet of the chocolate chip... they're all to be treasured. Thank You, God, for Your gifts! ♥

May. 19th, 2017 09:30 am = week 5 begins, bucko! ♥

Breakfast= a bacon, egg, & cheese english muffin, an orange, orange juice, orange spice tea, vanilla Greek yogurt, vanilla Ensure, & vanilla soymilk. A creamsicle-colored breakfast, essentially! ♥ This one is my favorite of the whole week, I think, because of that continuous flavor harmony-- but the omelette days, ESPECIALLY yesterday, are quite the close second! And of course the French toast + eggs breakfast is a sheer blessing, too. Heck, let's forget about favoritism entirely! That just serves to decrease true appreciation, joy, & gratitude. My REAL favorite breakfast is ALL OF THEM, in their own way-- although I must admit I do enjoy eggs the most. Like today! But first, the other foods, starting with orange. I ate the entire orange, literally, as usual, again comparing it to the OJ, appreciating the differences in "vibe height" and color luminosity & hue density. I really love the fresh, bright, clear orange of the fruit, paired wit the chartreuse-tinged citrus-oil bitter "dry rind" white & matte-dull-orange taste of the peel. I cut it up with the knife! Fruit & peel together in lovely little wedges, and the OJ richly color-tasting, "warmer" in contrast. As for the vanilla foods? The yogurt is STILL beautifully "soured," and still clearly sweet-light vanilla! ♥ BUT! Somehow, orange-fruit juice got on the spoon! And so I got an unexpected legit "creamsicle" combo that was AMAZING! The brilliant zip of orange clean citrus and the gentle, docile sweet softness of vanilla, together make this BEAUTIFUL clear, bright, joyous melody! I'm going to try a literal piece of orange with the yogurt next week, see what that's like! ♥ The soymilk was lovely-creamy-smooth as always, more "off white" than the yogurt's blossom-innocent delicateness-- the soy has a hint of taupe? It's just barely "grounded" more, the light dimmed to a soothing glow, like morning sunlight just barely past dawn. Less "flower petal," more "early sunlight." And the Ensure? It DOES have a peculiarly banana-ish taste compared to those! But I think maybe, it tastes like the lattes I used to get at Borders? With how super-creamy it is. Well, I get an Ensure increase tomorrow I think, so we'll have more of it to taste! Lastly, that WONDERFUL MUFFIN. The bread of said muffin was soft & sourdough-bitter sweet, absolutely delicious... the cheese was yellow-orange? Like an amber hue. And that, too, had a sweetness to its lovely cheesey salty-umami richness, pairing perfectly with the muffin. And the EGG!! Dude I have NO IDEA how they make the egg into a patty like that but its GLORIOUS. It's fluffy and the yolk is a little warmer in flavor and it's a bit salty and vaguely crisped at the edges and I LOVE IT. But the big surprise? The BACON! It was a dark, almost purplish brown, like roast beef but not so reddish. And there were a lot of pale-cream-colored wisps of fat through it, all nice. As for the flavor? Like I said last week, the immediate parallel is EASTER HAM, but not so pink, and without the water!! It's VERY salty, but also not as "crisp" as you'd expect-- because it was softened by the steam-warmth of the sandwich! So it had a rich ham flavor, but darkened by cooking with a slightly-smoked edge, and that punch of sodium that really "horizontal-izes" its flavor packet. It's very unique, very much a powerful taste intensity-- it actually reminds me a LOT of those jerky bites the boys get! It's that sort of heat dried & salted" pork taste, specifically the "chunky" softer kind they get in the red & green bags. In any case it's not sweet like those-- they are QUITE salty strips of pork! And that pan-fried oily "soft crispness" is key, too. Nevertheless, that salty punch was VERY unique on the muffin! A tad overwhelming at first, but I'll learn more next week. Last week, WITHOUT it, the muffin was sweeter-- the three softer, subtler ingredients staying rather meek, but beautifully so. But now? There's this BACON POWERHOUSE singing with them, and honestly? I'm excited to hear that new song a second time, to REALLY "hear" it! Bacon & cheese are close, in their salty-fat richness, but they need levity to really fly. Bacon does with egg, the whites a perfect complement, the yolk another similar warm-toned hue. But bacon's BEST match? The MUFFIN. Its subtle sweetness alone would be out of place-- white bread & bacon tend to be out of tune-- but that precious bitter tone? PERFECT. It holds that salty meatiness, AND its own sweetness, in this beautiful interplay of embracing tastes. And all together? Well, let's just say that I'm sure it was magnificent. I just couldn't hear it clearly this morning. But, thanks be to God, there IS an encore performance! ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, double butter, a dinner roll, a brownie, and chocolate Ensure. I love this lunch! ♥ The brownie is so oily-densely-rich, and there's a substantial SALT taste in all that luxurious chocolate, probably from the butter! The chocolate chips taste cool in contrast, their clean-breaking hardness & matte-smooth texture a wonderful complement to the warmly thick, heavy-soft texture of the oiled & cocoaed flour. And that little bit of light-brown flaky sweet on top is so nice! "Brownie" chocolate tastes different from the other sorts I've identified so far-dairy chocolate, syrup chocolate, biscuit chocolate, cake chocolate, icing chocolate, candy chocolate-- the chips are the candy sort (like the NuGo bars!), and that also reminds me that there's a LOT of other "candy chocolates" but let's not get into that now, haha! Brownie chocolate, compared to all those others, specifically has that oily-flour aspect, AND the salt! SPECIFICALLY butter-salt. That's what makes it RICH. Because cake chocolate with oil wouldn't match, maybe inching a little closer to the biscuit taste... and with just salt, it'd be close, but not dense OR rich! Those qualities come from the butter! So, not only is this a mystery solved, but now I know how to emulate that texture-flavor in OTHER flour-based baked goods-- although, of course, they STILL won't have the gooey density that the COCOA, lends, as a binding agent!! Cinnamon can do the same but that is UNSAFE in large amounts! Possible tapioca or potato or even corn starch could mimic that effect? Dude, we'll have to see! It really is an art form. Edible alchemy. God's creativity given to us like a huge craft box-- here's His bounty of beauty & infinite potential; what shall we make with it? He delights in our playful work; He delights in our childlike joy in participating in His endless creative act... but we MUST be ever conscious of, and ever-grateful to, His Presence in the gifts, as well as in our ability to create, however limitedly, with them-- and, above all, in His Truth AS the Giver AND the Creator-- of every atom of every gift, AND every atom of US!! And if we live WITHIN that awareness, within that joyful gratitude & praise, every moment, every action becomes a prayer. It all becomes praise, becomes sharing, becomes a communicative communion with God, in & through grateful love. And you all know, I want EVERY BITE of EVERY MEAL to be a prayer. And Lord knows I did my best with this one-- with Laurie's constant help in reminding & encouraging me to stay as aware as possible! So! The dinner roll was, as usual, lovely airy-soft but flour-chewy-soft in the mouth, delicately cream-sweet, and with the matching salt-cream goodness of butter? It's a golden-cream colored joy. The rice pilaf actually tastes similar? But it's more starchy, more tacky-soft & less "dense" in the mouth but firmer in bite-resistance... and very buttery warm-gold in taste-color, with that ricey grain-warm offwhite undertone. The broccoli was "mushier" than usual today, less saturated & more olive-hued, but it was still kissed with steam-sweet and little caresses of butter gold mellowness. The water content in the flowery tops is so nice, too-- steamed broccoli has a really serenely joyful green flavor, even when nudged towards yellow like this one-- that just makes the smile warmer! The Ensure-- which I forgot earlier, I apologize-- was interesting to contrast to the brownie, too! It's close to dairy-chocolate, but with a totally different undertone... I'm trying to think of what you'd have to add to melted chocolate soft-serve to make it taste & feel like Ensure! I don't know, dude; I'll have to look at the ingredients for education's sake. Regardless! The last & best bit of this bunch, as always, was the POTATO COD!!! ♥ I LOVE how it LITERALLY tastes like the ocean. Like, FRESH ocean air. It's so light & sweet, so delightfully fishy... it falls apart on your fork! It honestly tastes like-- oh!! No, it's not ocean water; there's no salt-- it tastes like a LAKE!!! FRESH water in the great outdoors!! ♥ You know how natural water tastes like, with life swimmin' in it! THAT'S in the fish, now! ♥ And that potato addition. Dude. It's this perfect golden accent, soft & a bit salty & unusually a tad acrid? But I LOVE IT. And I hope it's OK if I try a bit of it alone next week, to really lock in its individual data. I want to love it ALL the more fully. So, as long as I put that sincere prayerfulness in all my actions & motives & thoughts, God WILL ensure that. ♥

Dinner= a cheeseburger on a white bun, two lettuce leaves, three tomato slices, 2% milk, cottage cheese, strawberry cream cake, cut peaches in syrup, and strawberry Ensure. I also took ONE ketchup packet to try on the burger AND the cottage cheese-- it's actually far too acidic for the burger WHEN there are ACTUAL tomatoes on it!! ♥ Yes, I ate the WHOLE CHEESEBURGER, quite literally, and I didn't peel off a single scrap of the bread! I'll admit, I did eat the tomato off the last two-bite piece, but it was slipping apart at that point (you gotta squish it to hold it together when there's so little bun left for stability!), so I hope that was okay. I just CAN'T DO THAT when the burger is complete!! I'll tell you what, it feels so good to be eating things as complete units now. It's so peaceful & content. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing, having good manners, setting a good example (I hope-- but I can't "try" or pride sets in!! A TRUE "good example" is the natural result of HUMBLE, CARING OBEDIENCE!), and-- most tangibly of all-- avoiding all DISORDERLY behavior!! My heart, and its Spirit-guided intuition, knows when I'm doing, OR considering, something disorderly... something that, by definition, destroys good structure-- Good structure!-- and harmony, and benevolent purpose. It KNOWS, and it TELLS ME! It's an awful sick feeling. It's what shame & guilt put their roots into, and if not UProoted, turn into choking thorns & weeds!! But I am letting that rotten crop starve. I am feeding & fertilizing & watering my GOOD heart-garden, instead!! Plant those good (Good!) seeds, bucko, and TAKE CARE OF THEM. Which I DID, in as simple an action as properly eating the burger! But that was an act of obedience & discipline, and every little penny added to the "Virtue Bank" adds up! ♥ So does every little act of Love-- which first manifested in this meal through the healing of those LOVELY peaches!! ♥ THAT TEXTURE! That tart bite upon such amber-orange, fresh-water bright but syrupy-sweet flavor! The texture is fibrous but the fibers snap softly? It's firm but it gives with a little resist-push & its so JUICY!! Dude I LOVE peaches. Some bits even had some of that vermilion-tinged fuzzy skin on 'em,and oh man. SO nice. They, too, taste their color-- the mix of amber-orange & light vermilion, and that taste of LIFE that all produce has!! Blissfull. AS WAS THE COTTAGE CHEESE! Compared to sips of milk-- slightly sweet & tasting that same flat-white-- it was AWESOMELY salty. It really was! The texture, all curdled, is blissful, just like those peaches-- and with a bit of ketchup? It's actually REALLY GOOD! The zesty heavy red really complements the cheesy, creamy curds. I think fresh cherry tomatoes would be even better. And THAT'S how bruschetta was invented, kids! Now, speaking of creamy goodness... WHAT A CAKE! I ate THAT whole, too, BUT the cake part is DENSER & moister & "heavier to chew" than the ganache cake on Tuesday! It also tastes like french vanilla, almost. Not buttery, but... richer vanilla. It's NICE! And paired with the PINK-tasting strawberry dessert-jelly filling, AND that silky smooth cream (which has just a touch of cloudy sweet)? It's lovely. It reminds me of the Mother's Day luxury cake I bought last year! And that jell reminds me SO much of something... I'll get back to you. (Do they SELL strawberry-slice jell in containers?? If so, that's it!) But data is still a tad blurry, so next week we go again! HOWEVER! Today, I got SOLID BURGER DATA!!! And I'll tell you what-- adding the lettuce & tomato was a GIFT FROM GOD. Without 'em, the vibe's too horizontal; all warm flat colors & it can get heavy. That's when the ketchup works with it-- it's a matching hue! BUT!!! Add the fresh, water-bright shine of real, live lettuce & tomato? And it gets totally UPLIFTED!!! The cheese sweetens! The bread brightens! The meat richens! It CHANGES, like a song when you add new melody lines, new instruments!! It was SO GOOD. ♥ The sweet white bun, the salty-rich cheese, the meat-- it tastes of LIFE, too, in its own way!!-- brown & strong & literally "meaty," and HAPPY in its robust harmony, respected & treasured-- all together? Yep, another taste of bliss. Another gift from God-- a tiny glimpse, a small sharing, in HIS blissfulness! ♥

Snack= intuition requested the SUN CHIP TRIAD and, yes, it was PERFECT. ♥ They, too, taste their maize color!! What little wonders. ♥

May. 18th, 2017 09:30 am = end of week four!

Breakfast= a cheese omelette, home fried potatoes, two turkey sausage links, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, strawberry Ensure, and lemon zest tea! I have super good news first-- I ONLY ate my OWN food!!! ♥ I prayed for the strength to refute & dismiss compulsive thoughts/ behaviors, and to avoid occasions for sin, and God not only listened, He went "the extra mile" TO help! There were "angels" stationed on guard in every temptation-place, so to speak-- serendipitous interruptions & loitering people & unexpected circumstances that made it IMPOSSIBLE to sin without blatantly choosing to-- something I am INCAPABLE of doing, in God's mercy & grace-- Thanks be to Him forever, for His great love!!! ♥ So he SAVED me, literally, from going down into the pit. And my heart, exhausted with profound relief, is singing in happy joy. So shall the day continue, if I simple continue to hold His hand in ALL my ways today, & obey with trust & love like the child I am to Him-- of His!! ♥ My only "unhappy" news? I took condiments. Those ALWAYS make me dissociate into "manic shame"!! So I NEED to sacrifice them. I get no joy from the hot sauce anymore-- it's a compulsion! And I don't like it on food, as it's blinding-- so is ketchup!!! So NO MORE CONDIMENTS. Simplify!! Please, it'll do your heart Good, to free it from that constant anxiety/ unhappiness trigger. Also, I rushed the tea as well, not tasting it "comprehendingly." Again, tomorrow morning, we retry. I really was discombobulated this morning. It also didn't help that I was sitting NEXT to staff, making me paranoid & fueling the foggy-headedness, and that there was a LOT of table talk, with too many "funny" topics. That, too, is a mania trigger for me yet, so I had to try REALLY hard to stay focused... which, ironically, was my problem. "Trying" isn't "DOING!" And all I NEEDED to do was be myself-- Jewel Lightraye... but, even my name needs healing. Still. I KNOW who I am!!! And that's what matters. Let go of bitterness & performing & any "added" or forcefully "inflated" feelings/ actions/ etc. Just set your heart & eyes on God, and surrender to That. Remember-- everything but Him is temporary, and WILL pass away. So grieve not, but live in that freedom of hope & Life. On that note, here's the happy breakfast news! Hyakinth drank the OJ and it's just a shade darker than him in flavor. I actually got the creamy, heavy-vanilla taste of the soy today! It reminds me of some memory, from childhood, feeling-wise. Travel? White-cream dresses? Not sure! But that's cool. The Ensure still tastes like Easter morning, too! ♥ And, actually, I did register that lovely bitter-piquant nip of the black tea, despite drinking it mostly scalding... and I added a spot of soymilk to the end half of it, which actually tasted quite good, from what I grasped! I think I got a flicker of the lemon tea, too? At least, enough to say that it tastes of lemon peel, not lemon juice! There's a touch of matte chartreuse to it, and the yellow flavor itself is darker, a little desaturated? I'm still unsure! Lime flavors have a citrusy zing, but yellows tend to be mellow, "rounder" and richer... it's a very specificity-based system! The OMELETTE tastes its yellow color perfectly, for example! ♥ It's buttery but not fatty, as it's a darker hue-- that makes it taste like melted butter, all rounder & warmer hued! But its just pale enough to capture that fluffy lightness of texture it has, which holds just enough air & cool steam to lighten it in flavor! And the cheese, all lovely sunbeam orange, melted perfectly richly into that fluffy egg sweetness... really guys, omelettes are great. And those POTATOES! ♥ They're squishy-potato starchy on the inside, bronzed vermilion & gentle brown on the outside, tasting of warm oil & salt, so rich yet so soft! I love 'em. And lastly, the turkey sausage. God bless, I was really dissociated at the time,because of the conversation, BUT God in His infinite Mercy got the data clear even when I couldn't. My joyful gratitude for that is beyond words' ability to express-- but the Word knows, and so to Him I lift up my heart in thanks. I'm thankful that, despite unexplained creeping depression & anxiety & such false-root feelings, God helps me to find joy, over and over, every day, every moment, through Him. And so I MUST view every meal as a new gift!! And the sausage-- its firm, bouncy-skin top texture, & juicy meaty fat-mottled inner texture, all rich with good oils & salt & the heat-crisp taste of frying, darkening the sausage here & there with richer, smokier flavor... that's a real gift, too, and I thank the dear turkey whose life fed mine today, and I ask God, OUR Creator, to bless it... and, that He may use me as a blessing-gate, too.♥

Lunch= a veggie burger on a wheat bun with two slices of American cheese, two tomato slices & two lettuce leaves, potato salad, apple juice, Chocolate Ensure, and an ice cream sandwich. And yes, you read that omission rightly... NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ It DID free me of guilty shame & paranoia!! My only slip-ups this meal were 1) licking the ice cream wrapper, and 2) peeling off half the bun from the burger, compulsively. BUT!!! You also read that right-- I DIDN'T DECONSTRUCT THE BURGER, OR THE ICE CREAM!!! I will admit, I slipped a little with the ice cream "bread" too-- being so slippery, it fell off when I tried to nab it with a fork-- and yes, I put it on the plate & cut it up. Odd, maybe, but eating it IN the wrapper tends to make a sloppy mess, as it melts from the warmth of your hands! So the plate-eating of said sandwich is OK, as long as I don't "peel" off THAT bread & eat it separately, either! And I did, for a few pieces, and I apologize-- I wanted the clear individual flavor. But now that I have it, I HAVE to RESPECT its sandwichiness and eat it AS such! Which I will. ♥ As for the data? The sandwich part is a tad "stick-to-your-palate" texture-wise, but it tastes lovely-- not dairy-chocolate, but closer to "chocolate graham cracker." Its less "light brown," though-- the chocolatey taste is like the sort a brownie has? But not so rich!! There's NO brown-red or orangey tones in it; it tastes literally dark brown, straight-up-- no tint, no heat. BUT, maybe there's a tiny touch of blue, from the cold, and/ or the ice cream? It's wetter in texture WITHOUT being "wet" like a cake; it's... soft-breakable?? No crumbing, no tearing, no resistance, no snaps or crisps or any hardness... but it's not "light" either, or pliable like a roll when smushed densely. But you can bend it and it'll clearly break into two, quickly & without deforming, and with no effort. Again, like a damp graham cracker! And that's a similar "chocolate" taste-- a rich but dry, sweet cocoa. No bitterness, no creaminess. No sugar-bite like chocolate cereal, either. It's a CHOCOLATE COOKIE taste; THAT'S it!! No filling! Not "bread," but a "cracker" use of flour. Got it! ♥ And, like a snack biscuit, it works wonderfully with the light, playful, cloudy-sweetness of cream, shot through with an extra flash-bright happy punch of white sugar. Not too much, or it gets nauseating, like Oreo filling! It's too densely sweet. Not so for the sandwich! The ice cream is cool & creamy & soft-serve in texture, like a melting sweet summer-cloud in your mouth, wet like the lightest sunshower. But it's not "airy!" It's creamy and that stuff flows together, not like yogurt (too stiff), not like tub ice cream (too watery). It's literally soft-serve vanilla, dude. I just wish I had better descriptive language! Ah well. Suffice to say, it's a lovely treat! As for the potato salad, that has a flowier creaminess, thinner & lighter & SOUR! You all know how much I like that particular taste in dairy foods! So it has a bit of a yellow-vivid tint? Closer to lime, maybe? Or, no-- it feels more orange!! THAT'S interesting. Vivid yellow-orange. But it's nice! And it's so interesting, paired with the red-skinned (actually more cerise, if you look-- with the same skin-thin touch of that color-taste!) potatoes, which have a creamier white taste than a normal baked potato, which has the simple "page white" dry neutrality flavor? There's a touch of blue to these, maybe? Maybe in tandem WITH the soured creaminess! That's an interesting thought. But their texture, firmly starchy but softly so, is really nice. And the crunchy celery bits, now darkened to a tasty olive-bright hue by the same sourness! Then there's a vermilion dusting of paprika, some lovely glossy-white pieces of egg, AND what I think was green bell pepper?? SOMETHING small & medium yellow-green & watersoft! But the pieces were SO tiny, I didn't even notice them until the end, & couldn't identify them yet. Next week's another chance! Now for the chance I 99% succeeded at this week-- the BURGER! Guess what? I PUT 1 PIECE EACH OF LETTUCE & TOMATO ON IT, TOO. ♥ I was a little bad-habit-hesitant, yes, and ate the other pieces alone, but I DID enjoy their life-rich, water-fresh flavors, and I promise next week they'll ALL go on the burger-- because when I DID take that first whole mouthful, of lettuce & tomato & bread & cheese & burger all at once... WOW. It was like a happy explosion of harmony in my mouth!! I've been missing out!! And THAT'S what I found so cool about it-- that huge combo of textures, tastes, & colors actually makes a SYMPHONY. It's like MUSIC!!! Different instruments playing together, each unique & easily singled-out as its own individual thing... but, all united together without losing that individuality, they COMBINE into a GREATER whole, a SINGLE unit, a SONG... all those parts brought closely together into a condensed creation, a compact rainbow of sorts-- a work of art. Such is the gift God has given us, in His infinite creative abundance!! "Behold, I make all things new"-- every day, endlessly, through Christ's love in us, for us, for ALL of Creation, singing & dancing & playing & working & making music together for the greater glory & praise & love of God, in jubilant awestruck gratitude! That is the key. And it is MANDATORY for true life, for true, complete living, for GOD IS LIFE!!! And when we experience that life ever more richly, it is ONLY through God! It is HIS GIFT!!! Spurn it, disrespect it, or worse, forget Him in it... and He will withdraw His hand in justice AND mercy, making your soul suddenly aware of the lack, and inspiring it to repent & learn & grow & return, wholeheartedly & blessedly wounded, to God... who uses those wounds to heal us with gold. I guess what I'm trying to say is... we NEED to acknowledge the Giver. We NEED to be grateful, in order for our eyes to be open enough TO see Him... our hearts must be pure with love. As to how that ties in to the experience of really tastinga burger & its orchestral flavors for the first time? I must remember
that I am tasting the work of God. I am tangibly experiencing the tiniest flicker of HIS ultimate grandeur... and such is His will. God delights in His Creation, and He delights in US, His people... He wants to share Himself with us through Life, in tiny precious ways, that our tiny precious minds can handle!! But that awareness of God's ineffability, so boundlessly compassionate & giving, and so creatively JOYFUL that He, IN His infinity, gave us little LITERAL flashes of His infinity, holographically, in every atom here below... that's AWE. And when you, through that awe-sight of heart,can literally taste a rainbow-glimmer of God in a sandwich... well! Then an eating disorder CANNOT BE! because there's SO much gratitude & love & joy in the very FACT of food & eating, now. And THAT is my healing process in a nutshell! ♥ As for that blessed burger? Oh man. The bun, sweetly brown & wholesome, crisp-soft-flaky on top & airy-soft inside...the lettuce & tomato, fresh vibrant green & pinkish-red, with just enough spring-rain water to brighten all they touched...the cheese, orange & melted so nicely over the burger-- and that, what a flavor!! Yes it tastes primarily like mushrooms, specifically the brown, spongier sorts like oyster & shiitake, and it has the same rubbery-squash texture, BUT!! There are also little sweet bits of red bell pepper in it! And, today I realized that a lot of that beautiful firm texture probably comes from SOY protein-- because all of a sudden I could identify the richly unique & unmistakable taste of seitan!! I don't think I've eaten that in YEARS, but as I was chewing that veggie-meat in profound peaceful appreciation, suddenly it was like a punch of SOY SAUCE flavor! So THAT was cool-- but nowhere near as cool as what the VEGETABLES did to the burger as a whole!!That's right-- the lettuce & tomato, which I had previously been afraid to add to it as I didn't understand the "harmony" concept of food flavor-texture yet... oh wow, they made it WONDERFUL. The tomato's sweetness was the PERFECT complement to the umami saltiness of the cheese-- AND its water both softened its texture AND lightened its color! And the lettuce's green crisp life-taste was the PERFECT pairing with the bread-- not surprisingly, considering the colors of nature! But its vibrancy just sang with the bread's humble wholesome base, like a cello singing with a violin. Oh man, it was SO beautiful, how it all just worked!! It was ART. And... that REALLY drove the "don't deconstruct" point home, because: what happens, when you take one instrument's part out of a symphony? Yeah. You lose an INTEGRAL voice in the song. You blot out one hue in the spectrum. It's actually destructive, quite LITERALLY if you consult both the dictionary and my conscience!! So. From now on? I want to LEARN HOW TO COMPOSE THIS SORT OF MUSIC, TOO... or better, simply and humbly learn how to orchestrate God's ready & willing musicians. ♥

Dinner= baked chicken w/ roasted garlic & herbs, instant mashed potatoes, corn, vanilla soymilk, vanilla Ensure, and bread pudding bites w/ whipped cream. And yes, NO CONDIMENTS!!! ♥ I really am enjoying the freedom from anxious-shame their omission is offering; really, it was disordered behavior and I knew it-- I was DRINKING them as a stand-in for more fluids!! Had I had a literal bottle of it, I would have been drinking THAT, too. And that is why I need to stick to whole foods! If I want the medicinal benefits of all those spices I'd otherwise drown my food in, I should really consider supplements. So that's that! As for the meal-- I'm still trying to really "get" the vanilla Ensure flavor! It's surprisingly tricky. But I'm having it with breakfast tomorrow, too, for further comparison (against the soymilk AND potential yogurt!). Today, all I got was that, compared to the delicate light taste & fluid creaminess of the soymilk, the Ensure is not only surprisingly thick (not quite like a milkshake? it's thick in VISCOSITY, not texture too!), but it has an oddly banana-ish taste?? I'm not sure! I'll tell you within 12 hours, how's that. ♥ As for the corn, they gave me LOTS today, and I took my time to enjoy its warm, perfectly yellow-- well, closer to amber in its fullness-- sweet yet buttery flavor. Corn is actually quite nice! There's another subtle taste-quality to it that I can't find words for yet... corn is still so new! But the coolest thing? Its sweetness IS that warm yellow!! That's so unique! AND it has water content, BUT that too tastes rich with flavor, giving it brightness without desaturation! It's so nice to finally be learning how it tastes. What a blessing. And!! The instant mashed potatoes are different from the fresh kind because they have a SOUR undertone!! They're not lumpy, but still farinaceous, and not "thick" starchy or flatwhite-tasting; they have a salt tone, and taste yellower? NOT like the "warm golden" yellow of literal yellow potatoes, but yellow-ish at the edges of off-white? It's that sour accent, probably. It's COOL. And so unique! So I enjoyed them very much. I also want to emphasize that, again, they do NOT taste like a legit potato!! It's more like... pagach filling!! Yes! That's closer, especially with the accompaniment of sauerkraut-- although THAT is WAY too sour to compare! Hm. It's tricky to pinpoint. It's NOT acidic. It's... soured milk? Buttermilk!!! THAT'S it!!! ♥ It HAS to be. It's not a flavor I'm used to but by golly THAT'S the taste! So, take the "milky" aspect out, and add potato flakes, and a touch of salt? That's as close as I can get! Boy this stuff is tough but fun to describe. Next!! YES there is CHOPPED "ROASTED" GARLIC on the chicken!! Those little minced pieces! "Sauteed," actually? There's a bit of an oil hint to it, I think. And I think the herbs are parsley & oregano? There's not much so I'm not sure, but maybe on Saturday that chicken'll have some too! We'll see. Anyhow! This chicken, unlike Tuesday's had white meat, a few "dark pink spots" like vein-markers in places, a juicy but dry texture-- meat has that particular "tackiness" to its dryness, maybe from fat content? Or lack of non-absorbed moistness?-- and nice clear "string-strips" of tendon-ish fat on the knobbier end-pieces. DELICIOUS. Poultry has a nice taste, BUT I just noticed I have literally never tried to DESCRIBE the taste of MEAT before-- which explains why it's still so vague to me!! Chicken is "nice" because I know I don't "dislike" it, but dude I don't dislike ANYTHING! My worry is when I literally have NO flavor-description data other than "juicy, savory, a little salty." Not specific enough, bucko!! But now we can work on it. ♥ Lastly? BREAD PUDDING. I love the air-hardened crusted edges, with their rubbery but still spongy-beneath texture, and the gorgeous wet-bread substance, thick with moisture but still whole in its puffy bready structure, and tasting SO richly of vanilla-alcohol elegance & subtle burn, and the sweet & creamy (like the soymilk!) milky-vanilla lushness of the mushier bottom bits. It's BEAUTIFULLY harmonized. And that whipped cream? It's the GOOD sort-- straight-up fatty cream, with the slightest hint of sweet, tasting silk-finish white and with a texture like a SILK CLOUD. And that earthy-spice dusting of nutmeg! Yes, dinner was great!

Snack= my heart & gut agreed on 2 mint chocolate NuGos & a bag of Salsa Sun Chips. ♥ And yes, it was PERFECT. ♥

May. 17th, 2017 09:30 am

Breakfast= two slices of thick French toast, two butter pats, scrambled eggs, apple juice, vanilla soymilk, orange spice tea, and butter pecan Ensure-- which tastes like coconut milk toffee, and unfortunately gives me that itchy-sleepy reaction. No idea if that's a legit concern or just muted panic, but to avoid trouble I'll avoid it for now. As for the meal? I'm super happy that I got eggs again this week! ♥ Someone upstairs suggested I give the ketchup a shot, for memory's sake-- and WHOA MAN. More childhood camper flashbacks! I wonder why? Nevertheless, I was VERY pleasantly surprised at how GOOD the eggs tasted with it!! I only put it on one forkful, though-- so I'll try more tomorrow, where it'll taste even better with the potatoes & sausage. I'm oddly curious to what a sprinkle of sugar would do to the egg flavor in this meal-- would it taste like Easter cheese? I'll try that next week, too, with the strawberry Ensure! As usual, the vanilla soy was lovely-- but I have to be wary of complacency; I must love it anew & gratefully EACH day! Same with the tea: I tend to gulp it down but then I can't taste it. Oh!! What if I did half-hot to steep it first, THEN added cold to drink it? It's worth a try! But yes, that's why I have no clear data for the brand-new orange spice, and I apologize. Tomorrow's another chance-- plus it'll match that meal's flavor better; that or Friday. We'll see! Lastly, Lynne likes the apple juice. ♥ That autumn sweetness resonates with her very clearly. As for that scrumptious French toast? Just as lovely as ever! ♥ The crust was extra solid this time, which I really enjoyed, and that buttery savor over the bread's cinnamon-vanilla sweetness is so good. I do treasure it. Again, my only correction? Eating it cold! That takes away from it, really. So I'll try eating it FIRST next week, then the tea! It's great to have Good Growth Goals. On to the next meal!

Lunch= grilled cheese on wheat, vanilla Greek yogurt, lettuce & tomato, chocolate Ensure, Fig Newtons, & CHEDDAR Sun Chips! Now THAT was a cool surprise!! The Sun Chips were LOVELY-- that same warm brown wheat-corn wholesome base, but this time richened by orange warmth, bright & jovial, in the cheddar flavor! And the Fig Newtons have that seed-sprinkled, purple-black-tasting filling, with the same unique "tang" of the grapes/ raisins/ bananas! I've GOTTA find out what that is, & what other fruits have it! But the Newton cake-part was differently nice, too-- sweet & crumbly, with an almost graham-like taste? It's new and undescribed & unclear yet. I might have to deconstruct one to clarify it in the future. It does have that basic flour base-taste, though! ♥ The lettuce tasted SO GREEN!!! ♥ Even that little piece was abounding with life-taste and sunlight-vitality, and that glorious flavor of CHLOROPHYLL. I love that stuff bro. And!! I had tomato AND ketchup, so I was able to DIRECTLY COMPARE them!! Tomatoes taste pinkish red, bright with water but still tasting delicately of red's fullness; ketchup is solid red, heavy with it, and with a zap of tang and corn-sweet adding a touch of vermilion? It's new! Again, more data for you tomorrow. But first, I got some surprisingly brand-new, super cool data about the yogurt today!! The texture IS "thicker" than plain yogurt-- on the spoon and in the mouth-- BUT! It doesn't have the "frothy" mouth-result of the plain kind, because it's thicker, instead staying thicker in the mouth-- WITH MORE CULTURED TASTE!! Yes, THAT'S why I always used to say I liked Greek; now I have the reason, and I WOULDN'T have noticed, if not for the Ensure-- which straight-up tastes like soft serve chocolate ice cream! But I took a sip after tasting the yogurt, and was surprised at its heavy sweet thickness in contrast... but then, in contrast even further, in my next bite of yogurt? I COULD TASTE THE "SOUR" CULTURED FLAVOR!!! ♥ Like sour cream has-- vaguely lemony! It's AMAZING. I think I get yogurt tomorrow morning so I am DEFINITELY seeing if the strawberry is similar! And lastly, but never leastly, the GRILLED CHEESE. ♥ It's divine with tomato, but NOT ketchup-- the acidity is too overwhelming. But I only had one such bite of that! The rest was perfect: the wheat bread all butter-brushed & hard-crusted, richly grain-sweet & textured, and beautifully soft nearer the center... you can literally pull it soft off the cheese, its so fluffy delicate & lovely with a touch of salt. And the CHEESE-- melted thick & richly but NOT sticky, tasting heavy yellow-orange and salty and vividly solid with that sunny hue... perfect sandwich, dude. ♥ Praise be!!

Dinner= vegetable lasagna, a side salad (lettuce, carrot, cucumber, red cabbage, cherry tomato), French dressing, cherry pie, a vanilla Shake 'em up, and vanilla Ensure. This meal was a beautiful victory because I let go of ALL "perfectionism" paranoia (with "impressing" people; that was immature because it was afraid and I'm not anymore), as well as all shame about the act of eating in and of itself-- and I was ONLY able to do THAT by God's Grace, because those feelings only ever arise from guilt & shame & fear-- which are driven out by perfect love!! Therefore, when one actively chooses to LIVE IN THAT LOVE, it is impossible to feel vices, OR act on them!! Love and uprightness of heart are wedded; love and integrity walk hand in hand. When one begins to slip, the heart feels sick-- it has found its friends, its HOME, and dreads such a possibility of straying!! So it is actually quick & easy to mend one's conduct in such love-- the soul yearns to stay so whole, as Love is its natural state, and it is only through torturous, willful doubt & disobedience that one walks away from that haven of God!! But it is ALWAYS there to return to-- doors open wide, same as arms, same as minds... same as hearts. No harm can even approach such gates, for CHRIST IS the Gate!! But you get what I'm saying. This meal was a success because I promised to love it totally, in heart as well as deed, to heal it, me, AND Jessie. So I prayed, and God answered, and Love prevailed. ♥ I started with the salad & ate it one ingredient at a time, joyfully, AND partly with my fingertips, to pay true & total loving attention to it in reparation for all the times here that I practically inhaled the salads without tasting them. But today, I gave it my time as a gift, and it responded in kind. The cabbage TASTED violet-- a beautiful, unmistakable color flavor that I adore, but can't quite describe yet. I'll meditate on it! But it still has that lovely, rubber-crisp, water-fresh texture, a little "frothy" when chewed, & tasting vaguely peppery-- that's the white! (Just think of horseradish & radishes!) The carrots were soft-snap textured, as they were slightly "wilted," and so they weren't hard-snap like fresh ones... but they were still that happy orange-sweet of carotene, holding the tiniest undertone of red's richness, balanced brightly by their water content. The tomatoes, similarly, being cherry red, were richer than lunch's slices, a bright shiny wet red-- and the lettuce & cucumber were fresh as rain, crisp with its life, & delicately, beautifully green. The dressing still tastes its color, too-- super-light vermilion, tang and creamy rich and a little sweet! But that PIE, DUDE. The filling actually leans (fittingly!) towards cerise!! The cherries are plump and sweet-heavy red, with that cerise undertone that deepens the sweet to something more "luxurious," but still bright happy red. And the CRUST! It has that lovely flour-taste, but its golden with BUTTER, and slightly light-brown with the grain's wholesomeness in the crumbing, slightly sweet & white-plain-humble within. Together? It's LOVELY. The shake still tastes like melted ice cream-- not too sweet, surprisingly!-- and the vanilla Ensure is STILL evading me; I keep drinking the poor thing too fast. Try again tomorrow! BUT. The HUGE victory today was the LASAGNA!!! ♥ I ATE IT AS A WHOLE!! ♥♥ And, I got ALL its data!!! ♥♥♥The sauce is sweet & red, no pepper-bite like the pizza, BUT it did have pieces of bell pepper in it-- bitter-sweet but still tasting lovely with water & color. I also found TWO sweeter pieces of summer squash in it-- one yellow, one dark green! They have SUCH a good texture. As for the pasta? Think of the word "noodle"-- really!! They are SUPER SOFT-- no resistance at all, and also super soft to chew. Taste-wise, they're like butterless pierogi, and no salt? Straight-up noodle! But they're nice. And the cheese? LOVELY. The top cheese is like the pizzas-- and it has a vague swissy flavor? The ricotta tastes creamy and lightly herbal and SO NICE; no bitterness at all-- even a tad sweet! But it's 100% healed & loved now. Jessie, that one's for you!! ♥

Snack= plain, cheddar, AND salsa Sun Chips! The big shocker? I think my favorite was the PLAIN! They're all delicious, but for day-end snack, the comforting simplicity of the plain (the other 2 are so lovely-vibrant) is better, for a wind-down. But I enjoyed every bite of all three. ♥ Thank you, Lord. ♥

May. 16th, 2017 09:30 am = a new start!

Breakfast= oatmeal, brown sugar, raisins, strawberry yogurt, a strawberry pop tart, vanilla soymilk, and PEACH HONEY TEA. That's a new tea and it's WONDERFUL. And this breakfast is FINALLY HEALED 100%, thanks to my realizing that, to do so, I simply had to let go, stop "trying" so hard, and LOVE EVERYTHING just as it is, pure & simple & grateful & joyful & full of unconditionally appreciative wonder! So, as long as I stay true to that Truth-- and by golly, you bet I will! ♥-- it'll be smooth & beautiful sailing from here on out, because Love soothes every storm. Now to talk about that loving wonder at breakfast! The oatmeal had that lovely savory undertone again-- did it always, and I never noticed?-- and a wonderfully thick, globule-lump texture (the best!). I also put the brown sugar on top, to see how that worked-- and it was nice! But I 99% ate it by itself, and that's not proper at meals. It's meant to be mixed! ♥ So I will next week. The raisins were great; I'm so glad I look forward to them now! Their unique "sugarsour" taste, like the banana, is really enjoyable now. And I've always liked that texture. I wonder... should I maybe mix them with the oatmeal, too? I'll try a few on Saturday, see how they work together! The strawberry yogurt was just as lovely as I remembered-- no fruit pieces, but a "confetti"-like sprinkling of tiny red strawberry bitties through its creamy, soft pinkness. It's a little lighter in hue than the Greek, but the texture is BETTER?? Less thick on the spoon, but thicker in the mouth? It's WONDERFUL. I really loved it. As for the Pop Tart? I loved that too! The filling is the red-berry flavor, not the pink "dessert strawberry" taste of the yogurt, but it's just as nice. It reminds me, quite fittingly, of legit "jelly tart" cookies! But with a different sugar-taste!! White sugar is the ICING-- corn sugar is the filling! And to be blunt, I'm still learning the taste. We'll get there! But yes, same with the brand new peach honey tea. Data will come clearly with time & love & dedication. With God's grace, I promise I'll do my best! ♥

Lunch= a typical side salad w/ Italian dressing, chocolate ganache cake, chocolate Ensure, and the MINI PIZZA! ♥ And guess WHAT? I DIDN'T DECONSTRUCT IT, OR DRINK HOT SAUCE!!! ♥ Double victory!! The salad was scrumptious as always-- and I clarified the love for the Italian dressing, so they're all good now! I really savored the chocolate cake; moist cakes like that taste "cool" regardless of temperature & that's really nice. So is that ganache-cream stuff; oh man! I actually smiled to taste it. It had a sort of strong but richly gentle comfort to it. It was really nice! The Ensure was malty & richly "chocolate milk-y" in contrast, but still good of course. Maybe "malty" isn't the right word? I can't tell yet! I'll make the effort tomorrow. ♥ Oh!! Speaking of data-- I forgot to tell you guys!! I had strawberry Ensure for breakfast, and guess what THAT tastes like? EASTER. I kid you not!! It has an almost white chocolate flavor base, with that particular "strawberry flavor" the same chocolates often have around that holyday. It's nice. It's like I'm a kid again, with my shocking-pink bunny-basket after Easter morning mass, joyfully eating those jubilant sweets, all pure white like Jesus' resurrected robes, and soft but rich light pink, the color of His Love-- of Mary's Love, too, our Mother who shared in His dying & rising, and who BECAME our Mother then!! Rich sweetness, a voice of pure gentle joyful love... the Holy Spirit's color, in His Spouse and in us, too... the Spirit-strength of red, manifested as an inexpressibly joyous pink in that newly-purified light. That's Easter! And that's what God reminds me of, through that flavor. Good! ♥ Now, to conclude-- about that pizza!! ♥ I was a tad dissociated at the time, BUT I prayed AND put forth the good effort, and God helped! ♥ The sauce is tomato-zesty & a bit sweet, with that "base" red balancing rich taste, BUT it also has PEPPER in it (the spice!), which I never noticed! The crust is still richly whole-grainy (can't tell if it's all wheat though? I really think there's brown rice flour in it!) and subtly sweet, with the BEST hard-to-cut dense, yet soft-to-chew texture... and that slightly chewy cheese? The best, man. This meal gets better every week! I'm looking forward to next Tuesday's blessing of it. ♥ Thanks, God!!

Dinner= chicken with skin, bread stuffing & gravy, a dinner roll, a butter pat, 2% milk, a berry magic cup, and sweet potato souffle! Oh yes, and vanilla Ensure-- the flavor of which escaped me today, due to dissociative foggy-brain. I think it's because I didn't sleep so well? Plus team said I am "mentally & emotionally exhausted", which I have to agree with too, because I could REALLY use a break from thinking right now, period! "Trying too hard" and not sincerely praying or reading Scripture enough. God's gonna knock me down on my knees for my own Good, and GOOD THING He does!! I'd rather that, instead of wandering sick & lost in thorns. God uses suffering to draw us ever closer to Him in love. And so I WILL respond wholeheartedly. I'm homesick, desperately so, when I "lose sight" of God, however briefly. I NEED to write on that-- how "home" for me, truly, is CHURCH-- not my household on the hill. It's a "home," true, but you know what I mean. My heart can ONLY rest in God. But... that's why some fellow patients here frustrated & saddened me at first-- they were obsessed with God in His Word to the point of ignoring or overlooking or even avoiding Him in the WORLD (WORD + LOVE!) He Created... in HIS PEOPLE. It's projection. I've done that. Part of me is still inclined to; it's tempting, to cut oneself off completely from the physical & live at Mass, so to speak. But that's how I ended up here. Ironic starvation, of ALL parts of me, maybe especially spiritually? I was always so hungry. But yeah, that topic is HUGE & VITAL and it deserves/ needs its own space & time. For now, let's talk shop! God's HERE, too, after all! He BROUGHT us here & GAVE us these meals, so let's praise Him in them! First... the usual faves. THE SWEET POTATO SOUFFLE, last but never least! It has SUCH a beautiful texture and taste... something like pumpkin pie, actually!!! That lovely thickish density, a "skin" tight on top but so soft & "stick-to-the-plate" soft-sticky inside. And a little taste of spices, too, I believe! ♥ More to check joyfully next week. As for my literal last-but-not-least bite, the roll & butter were as perfectly fluffy & sweet & salty & nice as ever! They're a joy, a simple joy. ♥ AND!!! The data is IN for the entree! I actually have BEAUTIFUL data from 050917, which I really can't expand upon much? The stuffing, spongy & moist & soft, with rich gravy-fat-savory flavor & bits of celery & herb, also has a strong flavor OF bread? Especially the crusts; they're SUPER good. But that wet-bread taste, with the smooth & chicken-fat-flavored gravy, is so different but SO nice. Pay even closer loving attention next time! The chicken skin is still thick & slightly cooked-crisp on top and rich with fat, & it's also wonderfully soft-chewy and there's a unique sweetness to its rich flavor? Same with the chicken!! It's SO different from the others-- it's pinkish-white, like darker meat a little? And it absorbed some bready flavor & moistness, staying "delicately juicy" with its own flavor, and that surprising sweet undertone. I'm DEFINITELY gonna get deeper data next week! ♥ Lastly, the milk still tastes like childhood, and I appreciate its subtle milk-sweet undertaste & literally "milky"-tone more each time... and that berry magic cup? LEGIT. ♥ I was afraid I "disliked" it but I was proved beautifully wrong! Remember- it tastes like it looks! And, like every food, it is always deserving of, and able TO be, loved as-is. ♥

Snack= I courageously trusted my God-given gut feelings today, and got TWO chocolate chip NuGo bars, and one Salsa Sun Chips bag. IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I "WANTED." ♥ And it was SUCH a deep, God-given relief and JOY and HOPE to have that intuition tangibly proved reliable and GOOD!!! ♥ So snacks will be chosen by the Spirit's attending to that day's needs from now on. No obsessing, no confusion, no anxiety. Just simply asking, LISTENING, discerning with a pure, God-loving & following heart, and then obeying that love, of course! So this, too, is healing truly, every day, by God. ♥

May. 15th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, dear Elle ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, a banana, raisins, strawberry Greek yogurt, strawberry Ensure, apple cinnamon chai, vanilla soymilk, decaf black tea, and a BONUS BUTTER PAT! Yes, this is the current CHALLENGE BREAKFAST but guess what? Now, it ISN'T anymore!! ♥ First, the banana. THE PEEL IS NOT EDIBLE, DUDE! You can try, like you did today, but it's an effort destined for failure. The peel wasn't meant to be eaten! It's bitter & stringy & messy, and trying to "force it to be edible" is not only a waste of time, but also a GUILT/ DISGRACE SINK, making you DISSOCIATE AND ACT LIKE A DISHONEST SNAKE, because you KNOW you're not only setting a bad, vicious, dishonorable "example," but also DISRESPECTING the banana, which is an INNOCENT CREATION OF GOD. So yeah, DON'T eat the peel. TRUST your "SPIRIT-feelings," your intuition, as it were-- "just follow your heart, it WILL lead you in the right direction!!" Preludove loves that song, and SHE is a hugely vital key in this healing journey, too!! REMEMBER THAT; IT WILL SAVE YOUR HEART!! But that deserves its own time!! For now, let's discuss its application of pure childlike love-wonder at this healing breakfast! Guess what I realized? I'M "TRYING" TOO HARD! The key to healing success is to just BE LOVING, and live so IN that moment! The more stress, the less you comprehend. It's just noise, love. Play music instead. So! The raisins are my little summer soldiers now. We ARE friends, thanks to this endeavor of love we're sharing, and so I can honestly say that I AM glad to receive them, to work with them to love all the more deeply. And guess what ELSE? RAISINS & BANANAS TASTE ALIKE! There's this particular fruity "sourness"-- NOT "acid," like citrus-- at the heart of them both, nestled in the sweet. Where raisins have a "sharper" sweet, purplish & "richer" in color, the bananas have a smoothly "creamy texture" sweet that is, unsurprisingly, the same soft yellow as the fruit-- just a touch of creamy yellow, tingeing a creamy white. I think I LIKE bananas! And you know what ELSE?? You know what the BIGGEST victory-revelation was today? When I truly LIKE a food, I TREAT IT WISELY & RESPECTFULLY. And that means... I have NO DESIRE TO BINGE. NONE!!! For example, yes, I LOVE omelettes, BUT I'd never eat so many it'd make me sick! The very thought is distasteful. BUT. When I used to fear eggs and cheese... I would binge on them... Because I wanted to FORCE healing. I WANTED to like them. Heaven knows why that desperate desire fed that behavior, but ah well. That's an issue to tackle elsewhen and elsewhere! As long as I keep genuinely healing, that's no longer a risk!! So let's focus on that instead. Right now, I'm focusing on healing the yogurt!! Again, I'm trying too hard, BUT that deep desire to heal any hurt between me & my "challenge foods" actually fosters deeper healing, and much closer friendship. So my heart is already reaching out to the yogurt, seeking that harmony, and THAT VERY FACT is a guarantee that, in my heart of hearts, healing has already happened. So it is with the raisins, and now I DO consider them beloved, even if I'm still "not quite fully comprehending" of their flavor. But I have spent SO LONG trying to heal my view of them that I can't possibly "dislike" them at this point, even if they're not as "clearly 100%" as some other "instant-like" foods. It's like the prodigal son, really. It's like Christ. Some wounds WILL scar forever, BUT!! Those very scars are what ALLOW for such deep desire for love & healing-- AND the fortitude & sincerity of heart & intention TO do so! As I've been saying. But it deserves repeating-- AS does that HUGE and unexpected obstacle called "TRYING"... instead of BEING, LIKE A CHILD!!!! Again, THAT'S THE ULTIMATE KEY-- not just to healing, but to HEAVEN. And THAT needs to remain my ultimate, ALL-encompassing goal & motive for my experience & time here at COPE. With that in mind, I can flat-out say that the "TRYING" is what's preventing me from "healing" the yogurt yet-- it's putting a mental barrier between my efforts and the goal, that--
by its very existence-- can't be overcome! "Trying" implies struggle-- maybe even demands it. And for heaven's sake, there is NO STRUGGLE IN LOVE!!! So let's unite that truth to ALL my future actions, and use LOVE as my goal AND my means!! So. Back to the yogurt! It's a lovely pink color and the texture is the same lovely creamy-dense but flowy sort as the vanilla, but just a tad less fluid than normal yogurt. The little strawberry bits have lots of seeds in 'em, but they're fun to find & eat in there! They, too, are the same soft-wet "watery pink" color/ texture as what you'd find in the ice cream or cream cake, and really? The BEST way to describe them in such a state is that they aren't "fresh picked" strawberries, meant to be eaten individually... but "DESSERT" strawberries, meant to be squishy-pink and UNITED with other foods! And they are perfectly loveable as such. So they're united with the just-barely-cultured wonderfulness of the yogurt (supercultured yogurt is REALLY dense, dude; it's lovely too! but this one isn't meant to be so, and it, too, is perfect just as it was meant TO be-- a union of that and smooth fresh milk; a gentle bridge from the latter into the former), and it's perfect. Greek yogurt has just enough stiffness to it to perfectly complement the bigger berry bits-- whereas the normal, creamier yogurt requires very fine little bits, to equally compliment its more delicate smoothness! The one thing that's STILL a new wonder to me is the strawberry flavor of the yogurt itself-- BUT!!! Now that I've realized that it's not SUPPOSED to taste like "fresh strawberries," like the sundae syrup (because of the redness, really-- it's still obviously a syrup-derivative but it IS more richly fruity)... it's supposed to taste PINK-- like DESSERT STRAWBERRIES!! ♥ And when I focus on that, it CLICKS-- AND I LIKE IT!! ♥ So, with that in mind, this yogurt tastes exactly as you'd expect! It's gentle pink, with that softened fruit taste as an underglow to its creamy milky base. It requires more accurately descriptive words than I currently have-- especially because this is a BRAND NEW REVELATION and so I haven't even known what kinds of words to use/ discover, let alone what it was even describing in the first place, due to filtering the incoming data through the wrong perspective! And!! That error is ALSO what was causing the inexplicable "disappointment" over yogurt, despite my KNOWING I liked it, at my heart. But now that's fixed, and healed! And!! Guess what ELSE had healed Good data come in today?? THE BLUEBERRY CRUMB CAKE!! ♥ IT'S DELICIOUS. IT TASTES LIKE CORNBREAD. Well, partly? It's because of the buttery rich fluffiness of it; it's actually yellow cake, I think? Which also tastes buttery. But, this crumble is FAR lighter in density, almost "airy," and it actually doesn't "crumble"? Cake is drier-- this little thing was surprisingly air-moist, really a beautiful texture. But yeah it tastes SO MUCH like cornbread; it's wonderful. And the little crumb-topping is just sweet enough, like a light streusel. And lastly, those tiny dessert blueberries (which taste purple, not blue or violet-- just like the poptart!) add this lovely color complement-- perfectly so, actually! Right across the spectrum wheel. So!! Consider it healed & loved!! Oh, wait!! I forgot-- I got a bonus butter pat today, too-- and I sliced off the flat bottom part of the crumb cake & put it on there. IT TASTED WONDERFUL. Oh my goodness. If I didn't already love the crumble & the butter on their own, that would've done it! It was PERFECT-- and that last "this was a really lovely breakfast" thought MADE this breakfast 100% LOVED!!! ♥ Now all that's left to do is heal the apple option, & continue loving the yogurts more completely, and WE'RE golden!! ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ herbs & butter, breaded chicken, a chocolate sundae, chocolate Ensure, and 2% milk. I'll tell you what, dude-- I really love this lunch. It's so rich with good childhood memories: pierogi from the church picnic and Christmas eve dinner... breaded chicken from so many Sunday morning meals with the family all eating together... a chocolate sundae from those dear summer evenings when the family would all go out for ice cream, and the family vacations when that was a cool & welcome treat... 2% milk from countless lunchbox thermoses in elementary school & accompanying so many breakfasts in my youth... even the chocolate Ensure had a flavor so reminiscent of Ovaltine & milkshakes & legit chocolate milk & malted Easter chocolates. All in all, yeah, this is pretty much the definition of traditional "comfort food"! Which is, in and of itself, oddly comforting to experience here-- especially since I really don't want to go "home"... but. But. I just realized-- THIS IS WHY!! That little memory-list up there is comforting because it's the "home" I WANT to "go home" to. Not how it is now-- disconnected, anxious, disorganized, depressed, stagnant, & full of upsetting vibes. How did that happen? When I was a kid, there was the soothing structure of school, set mealtimes, meals I had NO control OR anxiety over, regular unexpected excursions as a family to recreational, educational, inspiring places & events, and over it all, the profoundly peaceful wash of solid personal identity "in spite" of constant community. Alonetime without isolation. Connection without "conversation." Dependency without feeling dependent. Structure and rules and order and schedule, and the FREEDOM I felt within it-- versus the total directionless, schedule-less, order-less "freedom" of the current home life, feeling like a jail in its upsetting blankness-- the "total freedom" of a child lost in a hospital. Everything sterile & too complex but inert & untouchable-- everything feeling alien & sterile. Ugh let's not talk about that. It CAN heal!! It CAN change!! And by golly, it WILL!!! Remember what I was just talking about for breakfast!! But yeah. COPE feels like childhood and I'm oddly, nicely at peace here. And this meal was oddly nice & peaceful too, considering how worried I was over it before! But God blessed it as always, as I asked Him to as always. ♥ The pierogi have such a richly salty-savory-smooth potato filling-- anything that can be described as "salty smooth potato" is bound to be enjoyable-- and their flour shells, so lovely in their butter-kissed simplicity, tend to get TOUGH on one side? And that rubber-stiff texture is actually SUPER GOOD. It's chewy, almost!! I love it. The milk is now an affectionately welcome drink-- I'm learning to love it all the more affectionately every time! And I am nicely, PROFOUNDLY GRATEFULLY surprised to admit that, thanks be to GOD the all-merciful and infinitely-loving, I LIKED THE CHOCOLATE SUNDAE. The rich cream-vanilla taste & texture, thicker & smoother than normal ice cream, is of course lovely, but the chocolate syrup is GOOD TOO! It tastes LIKE chocolate syrup, but not artificial! I'm very grateful that after the troubles of last Monday, God allowed me to COMPLETELY love, forgive, & offer this dessert up as reparation & healing for Monday's regret. Maybe because I just GOT to put love-roots down for it last Monday. Wow. Even more blessings. I'm humbled with love. Thank you, God. Really... the chicken was so juicy, so soft & savory... even a little sweet! And the breading was perfectly moist & it literally ALL tasted like those glorious chicken tenders, but with water? Same deliciousness, but bluer, not peppery vermilion-ish, although there was pepper. GOOD! ♥ Another meal fully loved!! ♥

Dinner= meatloaf, french fries, a spinach salad w/ mushrooms, cherry tomatoes & 1/4 of an egg, French dressing, and an oatmeal raisin cookie. Oh, and vanilla Ensure! Sorry; still getting used to those surprisingly enjoyable little additions. But jeepers, man-- today was the TRIPLE HEALING MEAL day, and thanks be to God, TRIPLE HEALING HAPPENED!!! ♥ I picked French dressing to settle in the data and it's GREAT-- it's like, non-dairy ranch but with tomato paste?? It's a creamy, light orange with a kiss of red; it basically tastes as such!! Vaguely sweet, creamy smooth & a bit of red "tanginess" at the very edges-- NOT a golden tang like Italian, and NOT a yellow tang like lemons! It's a muted tomato-tang; NOT sour, NOT sugary. In short, just check the data, dude!! It's healed now and I like it. Also, the spinach is as lovely as ever, as are those sweet tomatoes-- AND the mushrooms!! Now THAT'S what "earthiness" tastes like! It's like... literally earthy. There are no other terms; just think of the woods! And they're DELICIOUS. The spinach tastes richly green BUT with that buttery-soft "umami" gentling it, and the tomatoes also have that happy, light-red bright taste, with a touch of pinkish-red sweet. The egg I also love, and I'm trying to find better words for the yolk texture!! It's sticky-dry? But not chokingly so. I'll get better data soon! As for the cookie? Now THAT'S a unique sweetness! Of course the raisins are as welcome as ever-- although they DO have a somewhat bluer sweetness in the cookie? Maybe from cooking? It's an interesting thought! -- but I'm also learning now to identify & appreciate the presences of legit sugar AND flour. Which is a little scary yet, as those poor foods HAVE been hurt by others and I unwisely fell victim to that hurt-trap, too... but THAT'S what healing is all about, here: lovingly FREEING foods from those bad judgment-vibes, by actively restoring them to the joyful conscious awareness, acceptance, AND application of their NATURAL, INHERENT, GOD-GIVEN GOODNESS & INNOCENCE!! So, of COURSE I want to heal the flour & sugar just so deeply & completely! (Tomorrow will help that a lot! ♥) Flour actually has a lovely smooth-soft but "lightly thick" feel in the mouth? It's NOT sticky!! It's nice-- like the pierogi, and the sandwich breads & dinner rolls, and the cakes, and everything else! It's a staple food, after all; even in the Bible-- ESPECIALLY in the Bible!-- wheat is the staff of life. And sugar is this lovely sweet thing that is ALSO a basic heart-component of ALL carbohydrates, INCLUDING wheat! So sugar is, in a way, a body's main source of energy to burn-- and, best of all? It's CRYSTALLINE. Yeah, so both those foods are Good, unquestionably so-- so it's also no wonder that malicious forces are trying to harm them with lies & manipulation & such. But!! GOD WILL NOT BE MOCKED!! And tampering so cruelly & proudly with His Creation is just that!! So those troublemakers are fated to lose. God holds ALL victory & glory & honor, forever. And... humbly, lovingly, courageously, He has called me, as His child & steward of His Creation, to HELP in His healing of & victory over such meddling... by proclaiming God's Truth in ALL my actions, feelings, thoughts, and words-- especially here at COPE, where we've ALL felt that same need for healing personally! But, wounds are doors, as you know... and God holds the key. ♥ Trust Him, always!
Snack= It's Jessie's last night, so in solidarity with my beloved friend, I had a pretzel NuGo, a mint chocolate NuGo, and-- since they won't let me have cashews-- Salsa Sun Chips. It was wonderful. Bittersweet, perhaps, but the sweetness of sharing & love & gratitude & good memories & this final chance to make one more... it turned even the "bitter" tears of parting into tears of thanks & a greater joy than just ordinary happiness-- a joy rooted in "farewell, not goodbye"; in knowing she is in God's hands, in trusting God's loving plan for both of us in this shift; and in friendship-- pure & real & true enough to be a bittersweet bliss. And so, this marks an end... and a new beginning. ♥ God bless.