prismaticbleed | iscah meal log 060517 (Reply)

Jun. 5th, 2017 09:30 am = goodbye, dear Amy & Elinor!! ♥ I love you both SO MUCH. You've truly touched my heart & changed me for the better, and I send ALL my love with you!! ♥

Breakfast= a blueberry crumbcake, vanilla Greek yogurt, an orange, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, vanilla caramel tea, and a chocolate chip NuGo bar. And dude, I am SO happy to tell you-- THIS breakfast is ALSO a dearly loved fave. ♥ And do you know what THAT means?? That's right-- I 100% LOVE EVERY BREAKFAST AT LAST!!! ♥ Thank You GOD!! There was so much joy in this one today, too. I STARTED with the crumbcake, to specially savor it, and its soft, cake-fluffy, sweet-butter tone & texture were especially lovely today. I could TASTE the blueberries, too-- they're sweet, and lovely purple-blue, moist and gentle and-- like all foods of that unique indigo hue-- both serenely calm and so sweetly, luminous-glow smiling in peaceful joy inside. Indigo is quiet and "mysterious," but NOT darkly-- it's like a dawn fog before a blue sky, enveloping silently jubilant fields of tiny flowers, little oceans of life & color. Actually? No-- true Indigo is twilight fog, after a sunset. Same cool quiet bliss, different vibe! But yeah; blueberry indigo has more purple in it, I think? And it's a DAYLIGHT-heralding hue. It's beautiful-- AND perfect when paired with the warmly gentle but boundlessly happy glow of sunlight, held in that amber-yellow cake tone!! ♥ God's art manifests itself "as above so below" yet again. ♥ And the mouthfeel is so gentle & soft & light! I really love it. ♥ I ALSO love the early-morning-sunlight-bliss combo of the vanilla yogurt and the ORANGE! Seriously dude; WOW. The delicate-happy, floral pure-white vanilla of the yogurt is like flowers on an orange tree when combined with the fresh juice from that fruit! It's a fascinating unity-- the hues combine without losing themselves?? They DON'T taste "peach," or pale orange-- it tastes white AND light-bright orange AT ONCE. It's a flavor LAYER! I wonder what determines unities like that? Either way, it's BLISSFUL. ♥ They complement each other so gorgeously-- as do the vanilla VHC and the chocolate NuGo! HOT DANG! The vanilla soy, with its always-beautifully-gentle mild yellow-vanilla tone and matte-silk-white tofu tone (so subtle but SO good; I need better descriptive words for that soy-milk taste), is too mild to optimally pair with the NuGo's stronger soy-crisp taste, accented with salt and agave and matte-silky chocolate. The colors don't quite mesh? BUT the heavier, creamier, saltier and richer taste of the VHC MATCHES the NuGo's vibe strength, AND is superclose in hue-tone to the crisps, I think? But THAT heavier, beige vanilla is BEAUTIFUL with it. Which I discovered on a whim! Chocolate & vanilla are like flower blooms & leaves in terms of color meshing-- there are SO many variations, but not all of them match up optimally! It's an ART SCIENCE and I LOVE IT. ♥ Again, I WILL write more about it elsewhere-- I want to LEGIT write a book and/ or blog about this stuff for the literal glory & praise of God's infinite Creative wonder, His Loving Generosity in allowing us to not only experience but also PARTICIPATE in it, and to actively respect & joyfully revere Him IN the gifts-- as I talked about extensively on Thursday. ♥ So look forward to that-- especially because I have a NEW vanilla experience to add to the list today, again thanks to Jena's dad... vanilla caramel tea!! OH MY GOODNESS. Now THAT is a match made in heaven-- even moreso than vanilla and chocolate!! Caramel is a much warmer tone, which matches vanilla's warmer leanings, and that particular tone's flavor has a different sweet- type than chocolate's darker-brown tendencies do-- which is why MILK chocolate goes better with warm vanillas! And, again, there are SO many beauteous variations... but, right here & now, tea vanilla is a warmer tone than most others (liquid tones are tricky to distinguish; maybe they're better suited TO more subtle descriptions, like smell or sound or something? I don't quite know yet; I'll explore! ♥ And remember they are ALSO heavily affected by temperature, moreso than food, because of their subtlety & mutability), and caramel is such a rich warm tone, and united at an equally warm temperature, WITH the grounding brown-black bitter beauty of tea leaves deep down... it's splendid. I have to use that word because it FEELS like a smile and my heart is just SO JOYOUS today! ♥ God's glory is brilliantly, beautifully, bounteously evident in EVERY atom of EVERYTHING and I can both SEE and FEEL it today, SO strongly, SO blessedly...!! But such is the awesome wonder of God's Mighty Hand, guiding me in His Wise Plan even through the valleys of death... because, as you ALL know, and as I have so lovingly embraced into my heart, in even the tiniest instances of death, Life STILL reigns victorious, through our Lord Jesus Christ-- God's incarnate Word, His Beloved Son... Love made human. The very manifestation of Live conquering death, of death transmuted INTO LIFE. And God used ALL my "deaths" to bring me here. ♥

Lunch= three potato pierogi w/ butter & parsley, breaded chicken, a strawberry syrup mini-sundae, 2% milk, and vanilla VHC. I'm a little concerned-- something in my brain is still "afraid of/ bitter towards" straight-up milk. Not cheese, or butter, or yogurt, or any other derivative... just MILK. And when that distortion even sees "milk" on a label, it gets that same reaction BUT THAT'S ALL TRICKERY! It's all female-condemning distortion!! Why do you think this unit is full of WOMEN? Because the devil has LIED through American culture, through abuse and manipulation and twisting the truth and outright falsehood, and SO many woman are, in a very visceral way, afraid of being women. Heck, what else would you expect, in a culture where such phrases as "throwing/ fighting like a girl," "girly things," and "screaming/ crying like a (LITTLE!) girl," are viewed as INSULTS? And let's not even get started on the subtly toxic, nauseating evils of the cosmetic & fashion & DIET industries, to say the least-- entire societal structures that only FUNCTION as they currently are through twisting & condemning what it means to be female. A woman's natural face & hair are now, by subtle omission, being viewed as "ugly." Without added hair color or style, or without makeup, a woman's REAL face might even be viewed as unnatural by some who have been manipulated into only valuing false showy "prettiness"-- and THAT is what makes women terrified of "growing old"-- cosmetics tells them that they can't be beautiful with wrinkles or thinning hair, which is a TOTAL LIE... as is the fashion AND diet industry lie of "you can only be pretty/ valuable if you're THIN"... and then they twist that even FURTHER by making "thin & tiny" = "sexy," and now those industries are blatantly sexualizing LITTLE GIRLS, while ALSO telling ADULT WOMEN, who God INTENDED to be fuller & heavier & rounder & softer for the sake of HAVING CHILDREN and REFLECTING THE SACRED FEMININE, that such a naturally-reflected, perfectly normal, GOD-GIVEN body change is bad... and in some cases, slutty and ugly. It's a TRAVESTY and I don't want to elaborate any more on the details here for the sake of space... but as it applies to eating disorders and the women here, myself included? We fear womanly bodies. We fear being "ugly" and therefore "worthless" in society's eyes. We seek childlike thinness to escape the threat of "worthlessness" AND the "ugly" judgment of womanly roundness, but then the whole hypersexualization issue hits on BOTH sides, as children NOT WANTING to grow up so fast, AND as women terrified by projected-promiscuity and the fear of objectification AND the terror of a mature, reproductively-capable and EVIDENCING body that they are still not ready for, OR understanding of, AND terrified of. Basically! It's a mess, and I LEGIT could write a book about it, but for now? Well, in light of that mess, it's no wonder so many E.D. victims are scared of fat... of oil... of butter. Of milk. Even of things like chocolate & sugar. Even of mammalian foods. Food, in general, is FEMININE, and it is ALSO sexual, yes I'm serious because I have DEALT with it for years, but it's sexuality in the way GOD INTENDED. It's life GIVING itself to create NEW life. It's creative. It's nourishing. It's PHYSICAL AND spiritual, bodies AND souls, and it's ALL FEMININE!!! SO. Boiled down to the core, a war against femininity is a war against LIFE... and an eating disorder is at war with BOTH. And so, step #1 in conquering it, is to EMBRACE LIFE by embracing FEMININITY, which the E.D. hates. And so I choose to Love NO MATTER WHAT, conquering those lies with TRUTH! I love the milk, AND the ice cream, AND the butter, for milk is THE ultimate feminine food... I love the sugar, sweet like all girls... I love the potatoes & strawberries, FRUITS of plants & the earth, inherently feminine as well... I love the flour, also a fruit of the earth, and a staple food to nourish countless children... I love the parsley, an herb that exists TO give itself as a food, like all plants, again like mothers, like Nature "herself"... and I love the chicken, who probably gave HER breast for this meal, to give her life for mine to grow. God is evident and present in ALL of it... and, through it also, in me. ♥

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo. I "defaulted" to one as the "most comforting" snack option, in a way solely because of the mint, but... then it hit me. I love the whole thing, chocolate and all. And there WAS a time when I, due to fear's lies, avoided mint-chocolate specifically. BUT NO MORE! Love WINS. Love will FOREVER WIN. I refuse fear's lies. I CHOOSE to be a fearless, fully open gateway for Love to enter the world through. And this is part of it. ♥

Dinner= vanilla VHC, meatloaf, french fries, an oatmeal raisin cookie, ranch dressing, a spinach salad (w/ mushrooms, 2 grape tomatoes, & 1/3 of an egg), and a single ketchup packet. Also, I have to be brutally honest and flat-out admit that I've lapsed into drinking hot sauce packets again. I know that's disordered behavior; in the past I'd drink bottles of it. I need to stop, but I keep compulsively thinking I "HAVE" to drink it for "medicinal" reasons, mainly as a digestive aid. But regardless of such "justifications," one big indisputable fact still stands-- it's DISORDERED BEHAVIOR. It is a blatantly bad example, it's RUDE, and it makes ME feel super guilty & ashamed. At this point, I REALLY think I CAN and SHOULD trust my heart when it feels that way about something. That's CONSCIENCE, dude!! That's God-given LEGIT and so, no matter how "difficult" it may be to act in total Loving-obedience opposition TO disorder-- because a disorder, by its very nature, WILL fight & struggle & hurt-- I HAVE TO QUIT. It's only right. So let's leave that at that, and go on to actively choosing loving healthy behavior NOW, in choosing to focus on, and therefore strengthen & perpetuate & bless, the GOOD! Starting with my dear salad. I really love spinach, with its uniquely soft-but-crisp-stemmed texture, richly "umami-chlorophyll" dark green flavor, and bright living vegetable vibe... and I really love mushrooms, too, with their foam-soft texture, lovely petrichor taste, and moist-but-dry unique quality of structure. And those little umbrella-fan bits!! And of course, you all know that I love eggs, with their also-unique fresh white-blue taste and yellow yolks, which taste SO different boiled than otherwise, like in sunny-side-up eggs, BUT which still have that particular heart-taste that I have no descriptive words for yet but dearly love. AND I'm so glad that, thanks to meeting them so often here, I've become such good friends with tomatoes! ♥ They're so sweetly, brightly red, full of fresh water and with that lovely firm-but-giving texture, gelly insides & a firm but thin skin on top. Fruits in general are so nice & fascinating-- and they get even more interesting when dried, like the raisins in our dear cookie friend! This week it's soft again, with that lovely oaty texture in with the flour, and that particular brown-sugar sweetness that only cookies like this seem to have. And the raisins in it are such a lovely complement to it-- their color and taste both! The purplish tone is lovely with that pale but warm brown, and their sweet but tart quality works well with the oats-- unsurprisingly, considering what tomorrow's breakfast will be, brown sugar and all! But yes, adding the flour to the oats gives it a really cool mouthfeel-- and of course, cooking makes a difference too. But it's awesome how it WORKS. Alchemy, kids. God's infinite potential for new creativity even within that which He already Created! Honestly, EVERY TIME I consider how PROFOUNDLY we humans have been blessed in being allowed TO participate in that Creativity, by letting HIM work THROUGH us, even more stupendously... for His glory & praise & love, in us. Through us. By us... for us, in Him. It's incredible. It's beautiful. It makes life all the more precious & deserving of the UTMOST love & respect & gratitude, for EVERY little thing, every little wonder... AND it demands a courageously devoted & loving responsibility in everything we do, too. Which I honestly adore. It's the sweetest "burden" I could ever carry. "For my yoke is easy," as He said. It's 100% true. But it's still a yoke, bucko! And THANK GOD, because if HE wasn't the One guiding us so, we all know there are WAY too many malevolent forces out there trying to shackle us instead. Which I refuse, and will continue to refuse, by carrying this hearty load, pun intended... and by bringing God's Love, through me, His lowly but loving servant, to all the places He sends me, where His love is sorely needed... like TO THIS MEATLOAF, which so many patients openly despise, and which I GENUINELY LOVE. So I refuse to let that lie corrupt my True feelings! I LOVE this meatloaf, dude. Legit. Its texture is so unique; it's a solid thing BUT it's not a "whole unit" like a meat patty-- it's ground meat shaped into that loaf form, with a brown-pink color and a little bit of browned-firmness on the surface & edges, stiffening it. It has a great mouthfeel, chewy-soft but surprisingly springy? And those little bits of fat here & there, too, are real nice! It's a good meat. This is a good meal! ♥ And I promise you, no matter what, I'm going to KEEP IT THAT WAY... with God's help! ♥

8PM Snack= triple Pretzel NuGo night! You wanna talk about legit chocolate pretzel taste? LET'S TALK ABOUT LEGIT CHOCOLATE PRETZEL TASTE. It's gotta be the salt content blending with the soy & rice crisps that does it, PLUS whatever makes this flavor "denser" in its inner-firmness than the other flavors. But yeah, the flavor is virtually exact, and it is FANTASTIC. I enjoyed this snack SO MUCH... and I'm so glad it's now made me eager to fully heal REAL pretzels!! ♥

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UPMC MEAL PLAN IDEAS = Jun. 5th, 2017 11:45 am / 1 D, 2 S, 3 P, 1 F, 1 CS
1) 2 slices toast w/ 4 slices cheese & 1 butter pat // 1 bag potato chips 2) salad w/ peas & chickpeas, avocado, cheese, 2 eggs, sunflower seeds? 3) hot dog, 2 cheeses, frozen yogurt w/ nuts? 4) popcorn, hummus? on toast, yogurt, S = || P = |||| F = 0? D = ||? FR = | CS = | (base meal around this!)
P= tofu, beans, or a new meat? ★ pick the "scariest" thing? S= sourdough? D= whole milk and/or new yogurt FR= berries, dried fruit, OR naked drink CS= overnight oats? cheesecake? +salad? try ALL NEW HEALING THINGS!!! ♥MAKE ART!!!♥ combos= pizza, mac & cheese, pasta,