prismaticbleed | iscah meal log 060217 (Reply)

Jun. 2nd, 2017 09:30 am = week seven begins!

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese muffin, an orange, orange juice, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, jasmine green tea, and a strawberry Nutrigrain bar. I must begin by apologizing profusely-- I am still feeling very sick today, and writing anything is exhausting, but. I still payed attention with God's grace to the best of my ability. I still prayed to eat it honorably. I refused to purge. I refused to be disrespectful, although I did half-deconstruct the muffin today-- I was overwhelmed & distressed and needed simpler input, but trust me, I enjoyed every bit of it, 100%. ALL of it. My only slip? Eating the orange first! Why? Because THE SPIRIT TOLD ME NOT TO. But, foolishly, I doubted... and as it turns out, orange peel leaves a REALLY strong aftertaste in your mouth! So it affected my ability to properly taste the other things. Ah well. NOW I KNOW! And this was also a warning against my tendency to get "overwhelmed" sensorily in the wake of such "ashamed anxiety" & humiliated guilt, which leads not only to sad dissociation, but also RESTRICTION, and deconstruction. And, sadly, as I said, I did do that to the muffin. BUT I FULLY LOVED IT even so, bringing life out of death! The bacon is DELICIOUS; I can fully taste it now-- richly hammy & salty, with lovely strips of bacon-fat that aren't stiff or rubbery or "fatty" at all-- it's wonderful! Thank God for frying, I'd say! And you all know how much I love English muffins-- the ones prepared this way get SO SOFT & rich in their unique flavor, and their texture somehow gets MUCH FLUFFIER and it's an absolute joy to eat-- especially when it has lovely melted-amberbright & richly flavored cheese on it! American-orange cheese really is a PERFECT fit for it; Swiss is too similar, cheddar is too powerfully orange, and I think white American would be too mild? Think color!! ♥ But yes, cheese is lovely. ALSO WITH EGGS, especially the one in this muffin-- poached white & salted from bacon-taste and frying! It's DELICIOUS and so unique! The yolky part doesn't quite match the cheese, I don't think, but it seems to pair well with the bacon? Which is cool! But again, I don't know. I'll have to try next time-- that, and maybe with the muffin? Although I suspect maybe there's an element to their flavors that is too similar? And I'm worried it'd be "muddied" from the likeness. But that's just conjecture; I still want to give it a shot, and see-- if it's OK with them, of course. ♥ Seeing as how they all work together in a sandwich, I'd hope so-- but maybe the whites are a key TO that harmoniousness? I don't know yet! But it's lovely to discover. ♥ It's ALSO lovely and amazing, and a little bittersweet, that SINCE my memory isn't so hot-- at least, as far as this sensory data is APPLIED outside of isolated remainder/ reinforcement recall-- EVERY time I experience a food again, it feels brand new in a very precious way. Like, I know I've had it before, but THIS experience is new, and THAT joy of just HAVING a new chance TO experience it, in the NOW is "rebirth" enough. ♥ And really... that's a BLESSING. That is a HUGE paradox-gift FROM GOD that I have been TOTALLY overlooking, or even condemning, OR outright denying... instead of embracing it AS a strange but INTENDED gift, precious in God's giving OF it, for HIS hidden but forever-Good purposes... and using it FOR GOOD, just as it is. Radical acceptance, and unconditional love. ♥ KEYS!!! And so I must admit & embrace & bravely, joyfully GROW right now-- do I have memory problems? Yes. Do I have dissociation problems, that contribute to it? Yes. BUT!!! How can I USE those things FOR GOD'S GLORY, right now, accepting their current presence in my life? Well, it's what we just discovered-- I can view EACH meal as a BRAND NEW WONDER, something to DISCOVER, to treasure in curious joy-- AND, in recognizing that "extra death" my dissociation threatens, I can even MORE DEEPLY treasure the moments of clarity I have, without struggling or fighting-- motivating more awareness & mindful love, so that I DON'T dissociate as much in time... but, thanking the currently inevitable moments OF it as the fog that makes glimpses of the mountains beyond even more precious, valued, and eternal... living forever in my heart. ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, apple juice, cranberry juice, vanilla VHC, and a brownie. Honestly, I love this lunch so much; it has this sort of inherent "peacefulness" to it, for me... even better? Today, we had lunch with the LIGHTS OFF!! ♥ It was SO soothing & beautiful. And even though it was a little hard to see, even that was a blessing-- it forced me to pay closer attention, to REALLY see the food, AND it made the taste data that much clearer. ♥ First off, the juice! The cranberry actually has a ton of apple juice in it-- so the two DO taste similar, as I wanted to test-- except for that telltale cranberry sweet-tart cerise-tone nip! Unfortunately that's all I got-- I drank 'em too cold, too quickly (time is tight for this meal). But I WILL try again next week. ♥ Next, the rice pilaf was just as beautifully textured (all soft-firm starchiness and smooth mouthfeel) and flavored (mellow offwhite-gold & buttercup-amber warmth) as ever, and as always, I treasured every bite. ♥ I've GOTTA learn how to make that stuff! Oh, and I REMEMBERED to butter the roll differently today-- I cut it in half, then I lovingly ate the fluffiness out of the TOP half, then put the BUTTER on the rest-- the crust-brown dome top! And DUDE it was NICE!! ♥ I also buttered the firmer-squish bottom bit like I always do, because that sweet doughy taste is just beautifully simple with that salted-cream taste. Gotta thank God for the tiny gifts... gotta SEE God in the tiny things, especially when others don't... or won't. THAT'S my mission, and I LOVE it. ♥ It IS a war, in this world of devil-lies, BUT it's STILL GOD'S WORLD!!! And so His children CANNOT FAIL, when they anchor their hearts in Him, who IS all Love, and through whom ALL THINGS ARE. Even butter & little dinner rolls. They exist; they are little artworks lovingly constructed from God's Great Creation, from God's Ineffable Love... NO EXCEPTIONS. ALL that exists is of GOD, and so ALL lies about food are NONEXISTENT. I have to repeat that as it's VITAL, especially here-- so many E.D. sufferers think bread is bad, that butter is bad. Why? Simply because the devil LIED to them, and HURT them with fear, until they were too confused & scared to see Truth through that distress. But, no matter how dark things may seem, God's Truth shines on ETERNALLY, and God's Truth is that GOD CARES FOR US ALWAYS, that HE GUIDES ALL OUR STEPS, that HE HAS FULL POWER OVER ALL THINGS, that EVERYTHING THAT WE EXPERIENCE IS IN HIS HANDS... and that GOD CREATED EVERYTHING GOOD. ♥ And here's the best bit-- if you just surrender your heart to the Holy Spirit, fearlessly opening your heart to faith & trust in Him, who can ALWAYS be trusted, and who IS Truth, and whose Truth is LOVE... if you do that, peace is guaranteed. CHRIST'S Peace. Real peace. And no lie, no distortion, can ever touch it. So yes-- I love the bread & butter that GOD GAVE US and that I blessed & gratefully offered back TO Him in loving praise, in my partaking OF His gift! THAT'S key, too-- prayer. Heart-to-heart communication with God, simple as that. Without it, you're in trouble! But I make EVERY MEAL A PRAYER now... which is effortless when I can see God so clearly in His wondrous gifts!! The broccoli was beautifully buttery & green-sweet, and firm today too-- my favorite texture for it! They steam it so beautifully here; it's not mushy OR tough, and it's still so water-fresh & flavorful. And of course, last up is my beloved favorite pair... the bliss brownie & bliss fish! ♥ I noticed some fear is creeping back into the brownie, but I FORBID IT! The brownie is dense & rich & sweet, with cool chocolate chips & warm chocolate-butter flour within, with a heavy and luxurious mouthfeel. It outright mandates that you SAVOR it-- treasuring it totally! And I think I rushed it today. I apologize, dear-- I'll make it up to you next week. ♥ And my fish? Oh man. ♥ Always beautiful. I'll admit I did eat the potato-breading mostly separately-- it has such a beautiful flavor & mouthfeel on its own-- but it's STILL FRIENDS WITH THE FISH! So I should lovingly protect that communion between them-- soft, silky, starchy, savory potatoes, and the fresh, white, sweet, delicate but rubber-firm, river-bright, life-brilliant, delicious meat of the beloved cod. I treasure your life-gift SO much. ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar! Like its sister yesterday, I realized that my old fave here had slipped from that position due to memory-fade & disordered doubt creepin' around again as a result. Well, no more!! Shoo that silliness right on out of here. This flavor NuGo is LOVELY, all sea salted and with a THICKER crisp-texture than the others, I think? I'll compare soon-- but I truly love 'em all. ♥

Dinner= SURPRISE TIME KIDS, IT'S SELF-SELECT DAY!!! ♥ Honestly, NO ONE was more surprised than me! I was a little (well, a lot) anxious at first due to "I don't know how to prepare/ what to expect" and "will I mess up/ can I eat w/ others without dissociating or performing" etc. fears, BUT. I DON'T WANT TO THINK THAT WAY ANYMORE!!! I gotta plant GOOD SEEDS in my mind-garden, to grow into beautiful blooms of hope, courage, optimism, determination, peace, and EVERY virtue that comes from LOVE-- which is literally ALL of 'em! So it's gonna be BEAUTIFUL in here as long as I continue to tend it well, DAILY. And so! Today I just LET GO of fear and CHOSE COURAGEOUS LOVE for the sake of healing the wounds fear inflicted-- because Love CAN and DOES do so unfailingly-- and I picked ALL "CHALLENGE" FOODS... and I am blissfully happy to say that THEY WERE ALL BELOVED!!!! ♥ And so, without further ado, here's the list of today's BRAND NEW DINNER FRIENDS: Macaroni & cheese (the THICK, legit cheesy kind that Cioci Ann gets), roasted zucchini in oil, stewed tomatoes, whole milk, orange jello, applesauce, a MASSIVE chocolate muffin w/ a cream center, mint tea, vanilla coffee, 2 mayo packets, and 3 hot sauce packets. And I'll tell you what-- I am SO GLAD I befriended the noddles because that was the BEST MAC & CHEESE I've had in my LIFE. ♥ And the same goes for those STEWED TOMATOES!!! Oh my gosh-- they were like, whole halves, LIGHTLY stewed so they were soft but FRESH, and they were in a thickened sauce that was made FROM THE ACTUAL TOMATO JUICE. It all tasted SO FRESH; it was AMAZING. ♥ The zucchini, too, tasted alive & beautiful, just lightly roasted-- but I ALSO mixed it with mayonnaise, and THAT was even better! The taste really added to it. Unfortunately I can't give you specifics as well as I'd like; not only was it so new, but I will admit I was also a little performance-nervous, and I apologize. But yeah, that AND the fact that I was doing some serious befriending! Which is also why I don't have clear data for the whole milk, jello, or applesauce-- my poor mind got all mixed up & confused with thinking "they HAVE to be challenges" and therefore putting an awful false obstacle between my heart & theirs, hindering friendship from blooming on the spot. BUT. SEEDS WERE PLANTED! ♥ I can still taste the applesauce, sweet & lovely & autumny, but I NEED to free it from memory-shackles before it will be totally a true friend-- one can't be afraid of friends, after all! And the milk was a tad too cold to really grasp at all, sadly-- BUT I determinedly drank it with grateful loving courageous intention TO befriend it nevertheless-- so next time, I promise, we will be. ♥ SAME WITH THE JELLO, believe it or not-- it not only has QUITE the unique orange taste, but it ALSO has one of the BEST TEXTURES EVER. Yes, it's THAT COOL!!! It's gelatin, dude-- it's a glossy, slightly "sticky," glassy-gel that just... how do you even describe the way Jello "breaks"? It's BEAUTIFUL. I'm telling you what, dude, I might still be struggling with lingering "fears" over it-- and there ARE many, sadly-- but as far as my heart is happily concerned, Jello & I are already BFFs. ♥ So I'm very much looking forward to trying its SISTER, strawberry (I think?), in the future, too! ♥ Lastly, though, we have our drinks-- mint tea, which I ALWAYS love, and vanilla coffee, for Kate, which is SO new I have no words for it yet but it WAS lovely-- AND the last "major challenge," which, shockingly & beautifully, became a courageously fear-conquering friend: the CHOCOLATE CREAM MUFFIN. Oh my goodness, guys. ♥ It was the LOVELY, SOFT, LEGIT chocolate-cake texture, fluffy but with one heck of a dense mouthfeel, rich w/ cocoa-dark chocolate taste but NOT sugary or dairy-like, and sprinkled with powdered sugar, too, which was a GORGEOUS added levity. But that CREAM FILLING, dude. WOW. It was like... not as "flat-creamy" as the kind on the bread pudding, as it had more sugar & probably milk, BUT it wasn't cloying or artificial! It was legit like a Tudor bookstore muffin, and the child in my heart loved it instantly. ♥ GOD BLESS SS!!! ♥

8PM Snack= TRIPLE FIESTA SNACK TIME because it's been far too long! I honestly forgot that their lovely salsa-spicy taste is also SWEET from the tomato powder-- and on top of that beautiful grain-blend base, accented with cheese? It's SO GOOD. ♥ I've gotta check the list of ingredients next time to get a deeper, loving appreciation of EVERYTHING that comes together to make this blessed snack!! ♥

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SELF SELECT 060217 = Jun. 2nd, 2017 05:30 pm
upcoming friendships= cheesecake✔, cannoli, oats w/ fruit, muffin, dessert bread, clam chowder, vegan chili, chicken soup, hot dog, pretzel, jasmine rice, hummus, bottled juice, popcorn, premade sandwiches? cappuccino, coffee & creamer, sundaes, yogurt bar, deli meats✔, tuna salad, bagels, cheetoes, "muscle milk," pizza, hard rolls, cookies ★DON'T PROJECT "EXPECTED" FEAR ONTO THEM!!! This is a RESCUE MISSION! All of those foods are 100% INNOCENT, taken prisoner by the devil by lies, fear, & abuse! God has sent YOU to SET THE CAPTIVES FREE, through LOVE!!!♥ Recognize God in ALL of them-- they're STILL HIS!!! ♥
#1 (DINNER) ~FRIDAY 060217~ ♥ = 4 ★ = 3 ✦ = 4 / (S) 4 | (P) 3 | (F) 2 | (D) 1 | (FR) 1
♥1) Macaroni & cheese; 2 scoops (3P // 2S) ♥2) Roasted zucchini in oil (1F) ♥3) Stewed tomatoes (~V) ✦4) Whole milk; 240mL (1D) ★5) Chocolate muffin w/ cream center (1S // 1F) ★6) Orange jello (1S) ✦7) Applesauce (1FR) ★8) Spearmint tea; 480mL (-) ✦9) Vanilla coffee; 240mL (-)
♥10) 2 mayonnaise packets (-) ✦11) 3 hot sauce packets (-)
mac & cheese was BEAUTIFUL! stewed tomatoes were BIG HALVES in thickened juice; LOVELY! zucchini w/ added mayo was also WONDERFUL! no data for whole milk yet. jello has cool texture but unclear data. applesauce unclear but good! tea & coffee unclear. muffin dense but surprisingly NICE! cream filling too! ★ don't think "fear food;" think NEW FRIENDS! ♥ ★ eat at a good pace, but TREASURE EACH BITE!
♥new friends! = macaroni & cheese, stewed tomatoes, zucchini, mayonnaise ♥almost there! = applesauce, jello, whole milk, coffee, teaP, hot sauce / upcoming friendships= sprinkle cookies, cheese sauce, cotton candy sundae✔, french bread, kaiser roll, chicken salad✔, tuna salad, foccacia bread, biscotti, salami✔, german ham lunchmeat, rye bread✔, chicken lunchmeat, kashi heart to heart, cheerios, chex, cinnamon toast crunch, etc.