prismaticbleed | UPMC PAPERS + WORKBOOKS MAY 2017 (Reply)

051417

MAINTAINING PROGRESS

★make your HEART PRIORITIES visible in your life/actions!! (even if working towards that is difficult/ scary/ painful as the hell you're stuck in otherwise)

★ I NEED THE HELP OF OTHERS, ESP. WHEN DISSOCIATED!!!
★ NEED HEALTHY, ACCESSIBLE COPING SKILLS
★ MAKE A LIST OF "WARNING SIGNS" to give to the family, so they can SEE & INTERRUPT that unhealthy cycle!!!

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What have I learned?
- PATIENCE & HUMILITY
★ UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!
- What triggers disorder symptoms, how distorted they are, distorted thoughts, patience, acceptance, HOW to progress, COURAGE!
+ nutrition, portion control, timing, schedule, BALANCE, PATIENCE
- I CAN survive w/o negative coping skills; I CAN rebuild my life to reflect the TRUTH within my heart!

What was most useful?
- Learning to RECOGNIZE my TRUE NEEDS!!
- Learning to question AUTOMATIC thoughts, and NOT act on them!
- BREATHING! Calm down, CENTER/FOCUS; prevent/stop overwhelm!! PEACE!
- Set a GOOD EXAMPLE by TRUSTING & SURRENDERING TO GOD!!! ♥

What can I continue to do to prevent a setback?
- Pray constantly!
- If I TRUST in Him ALWAYS, and hold on to the HOPE & JOY that faith in Christ gives, "setbacks" WON'T occur because HE WILL guide & protect me!!

What are my high risk situations of this happening?
What events/ situations/ triggers cause me to be more vulnerable?
- Questions, high activity levels, high noise levels, close social contact + touch, being "called out"
★ ANYTHING/EVERYTHING that brings attention to "ME" (physical life/ social interaction)!!!! ♥

What are the signs?
Thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors
- Shaking, crying, shallow/fast breathing, angry/violent outbursts, going "mute," dissociating, self-abusing, restricting/purging, head blurry & whirling, headache, stomachache, tense

What can I do to avoid losing control? (If I CAN'T "LEAVE THE ROOM" OR "TAKE A BREAK"!!!)
What could I do differently? What would work best? When I'm struggling or feeling bad, what could I do that will help?
- BREATHE. Count your blessings. TRUST GOD-- He GAVE you this EXACT challenge, FOR GOOD!!!
- Pray for the wisdom & strength to meet it in virtue & love & gratitude & joy & COURAGE!
- BE MAITRU!! ♥
- READ SCRIPTURE!
- And ASK for a helpful "change" if you can!! ♥ (gently, respectfully!)

What could I do if I did lose control?
What has helped? What have I learned? Who can help?
- CRY IT OUT & CALM DOWN!
- APOLOGIZE SINCERELY. Explain what happened & why.

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In case of a setback…

How can I make sense of this? (3PM snack anxiety)
What events/ triggers led up to this setback? How did I react to this? What did I do? What did I think? What did I feel?
- Sitting with lots of people at a round table, close quarters, "singled out"
- Started to shake & panic, wanted to not eat & just cry, BUT also wanted to "lash out" & chase everyone away first, to be free of noise & overwhelm
- Reminded myself that they're all INNOCENT and DON'T KNOW I'M SCARED unless I CLEARLY SAY SO in words OR blatant actions-- but the latter often MAKE IT WORSE, because then they GUESS, and my needs are different from theirs.
- I focused on eating with love & not getting upset, to set a Good example of FAITH & peace & courage in times of trial

What have I learnt from it?
Was this a high-risk situation? Are there things that I can identify are difficult? What helped and what didn’t?
- It was VERY high risk!! because people were FOCUSING ON ME, AND I was eating!
1) I can't talk to/ serve/ answer them if I'm eating & that "unwinnable" conflict angers me
2) People watching ME eat specifically makes me feel dirty & wrong
3) People asking "what's wrong?" plants bad seeds & makes it worse

With hindsight, what would I do differently?
When I think/feel……………………………….. what could I do instead?
- I could ask people gently to wait until I finish eating before talking to me
- I can breathe more deeply
- I can CHOOSE LOVE, ESPECIALLY towards others!!! ♥
- I can PRAY and HAVE FAITH that God IS with me, and will NOT abandon me!
- I can refuse the devil's lies and LOVE GOD IN HIS GIFT OF FOOD & COMPANY, TOO!!! ♥

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"keep your eyes on HIM, not the storm!!"

★"Don't be so hard on yourself! I can bring Good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time & energy, leading only to frustration! Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me! Look to Me in trust, anticipating that my infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.
★ Because you are human, you WILL continue to make mistakes! Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of PRIDE! Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses! Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I Am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes! Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do. ♥"

ROMANS 8:28
"We know that ALL things work for Good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose."

MICAH 7:7-10+ (★18-20!)
"But as for me, I will look to the Lord,
I will put my trust in God my Savior;
my God will hear me!
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will arise;
Though I sit in darkness, the LORD is my light.

The wrath of the Lord I will endure because I have sinned against Him, until he takes up my cause, and establishes my right. He will bring me forth to the light; I will see His justice. When my enemy sees this, shame shall cover her…"

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I am ONLY comfortable with the TANGIBLE concept & possibility of motherhood
AS A MAN. How ironic is that??

…I can't be "just" a mother. It feels wrong.
I can't be "just" a father. It feels wrong.
The only thing that feels right is being a bit of BOTH.
The separation of sexes itself feels WRONG to me.
I'm not quite a man, not quite a woman…
The concept of being "impregnated" feels utterly foreign and wrong, for me.
Whereas the concept of "impregnating" feels okay? Like, I could, but…
I'd feel so incomplete, so yearning.
I NEED a bit of both sides in that respect.
Sexually? I… need to function as a man. I need to GIVE.
"Receiving" in that sense feels blatantly "incorrect" and not-right.
But then, AS a man? I could carry a child. I'd love to.
But I couldn't "give birth" like a woman. That, too, feels wrong.
(Maybe I'm secretly a seahorse, who even knows)

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Why do I "hate" the honey from breakfast? (also the jelly?)

- It is sticky on my hands, making me feel dirty & shameful & bad.
- I dissociate like a "secret sinner" when eating it.
- I feel I MUST eat it, but I don't quite like the taste?
- I'm angry that it made me so anxious during breakfast.
- I'm angry that I don't like it 100% (yet?).
- I'm angry that the companies producing it have made it taste so artificial.
- I'm angry that if I mix it w/ other foods I can't appreciate either fully?

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★laughter = tied to JOY, NOT "jokes" or "funny" things!!!

- laughing when a snowflake lands perfectly on your nose when you're trying to catch one on your tongue
- laughing in sheer joy in a perfect snowfall or summer rain; spinning around, arms out

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DBT EMOTION REGULATION!
(very fitting & applicable this morning!) ♥

★emotions= SIGNALS, signs; means of communication/ influence; tools for motivation, organization, & self-knowledge; defense mechanism

★"negative" emotions CAN (and often DO) lead to POSITIVE OUTCOMES, IF dealt/ managed WISELY!!! (fuel!!!)
- "healing THROUGH woundedness"!!!

emotional mind= "jellyfish" // rational mind = "robot"
★ wise mind can be "outside" of BOTH

★nonverbal & verbal communication CAN CONFLICT!

1) passive, "doormat"
2) passive-aggressive; bitter at letting self be stepped on
3) aggressive; defined by "force"
4) assertive; self-respecting but polite!

(emergency shutdown) ★TRAUMA RESPONSE
★E.D. = NUMB^ + INDECISIVE → (can't express needed/ proper emotions and/ or needs? stuck on "plan b" INAPPLICABLE loop

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051517

DBT DISTRESS TOLERANCE!

"lightly, my child;"

★creates BALANCE in life= w/o it, things are unstable & unsteady & fluctuating

★DIALECT-ICAL = two "opposing sides" can BOTH be correct!!! (opinions, feelings, etc.)
- feeling sick but knowing our health is improving
- discussing two sides of an opinion-based issue

(TALK TO PEOPLE ABOUT STRUGGLES; GET HELP!!!)

★reacting w/o negative consequences!!
★(there are some negative consequences you CANNOT recover from, OR "fix" w/ others)
★LIST PROS & CONS
★"SURVIVAL" INSTINCTS = be careful!

★ACCEPT LIFE AT THAT MOMENT!
NO manipulating, controlling, resisting, ignoring

★TIME!!! take some; the present is a GIFT and it's offered to us ALWAYS!

"Accept life on LIFE'S terms" (GOD)

(TRUST & HUMILITY)

★RUSHING/ IMPULSE/ "IMMEDIACY" CAN PROMOTE UNWISE "SNAP DECISIONS"
★NEED TO STAY MINDFUL; a serene inner calm in the midst of outer storms!!!

★MOMENT-TO-MOMENT CHOICES OF COURAGE & HEALING!!!
(vs all-or-nothing "never" "always" goals; instead, do the Good thing NOW; that's all we have!)

★"inner toolbox" (able to cope even in isolation!!) of coping skills/ virtues = "singing vs. playing piano" (carry the music IN you!!)

★"go with the flow" requires TRUST in own ability to not lose control/ be foolish
★SELF ESTEEM/ RESPECT

★YOU ARE NOT A DISORDER! IT'S A FALSE THING!
YOU ARE A MIRACULOUS, ORDERLY SYSTEM OF GOODNESS!!!

ACTION-BASED FORGIVENESS!

JUSTICE & MERCY!

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(later)

"remove the beam from your own eye"

I have to be VERY blunt about this. I've been bottling it up but I NEED to admit/ express/ voice it.

Mary is so obsessed with Scripture that it's hard for her to talk in non-quoted-verses.
She'll block her ears & read the Bible for hours-- during groups, during bonding time, DURING MASS.
She says she likes eating "as part of a group" and was deeply hurt when she couldn't, BUT she constantly says how she wants to live in total isolation, miles upon miles from any human contact, in absolute silence.
She won't cooperate with staff. She's actually highly passively-confrontational with them, sometimes outright refuting their statements or orders. She demanded they cater to her meal desires at first, even when she knew no one in the unit had that option, and although she's since stopped such behavior, stopped declaring coldly "I do not desire this food" and refusing to eat, she still won't eat more than 25%, tops, and will "negotiate" with staff at every meal over this percentage. Then she'll drink the backup without waiting for the clock OR for others, although those are the rules.
She socially isolates and rarely shows warmth (although when she DOES, it's GENUINE and I TREASURE it), and she's very demanding & wants lots of control and sometimes, she seems to care more about the literal Word than about people, and God IN THE WORLD, AS HIS WORD, alive in His Creation.
She scares me to sobbing frustration because I see so much of the old "me" in her.

Kellie is similar. She is an apparently traumatized, nervous wreck, and my heart aches to see that, despite such sight also

(left unfinished)

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051617
dream.

Javier & Central, all sitting around a table like in the facility mealroom.
Lynne voiced the concern "are we 'real' if we aren't 'people'?"
Javier, who was at the head of the table, stood up with this look of absolute solid conviction, and declared "We are SOULS."
This sentiment visibly resonated with everyone there; it was such a moving thing to see.

later on in the dream, I was singing "Love is the Answer" with A.W. from the unit, which was really nice.

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051617 journal cover

★remember= food data is collected to promote LOVE & GRATITUDE for the inherent CREATIVE WONDER & GOODNESS OF GOD IN THE FOOD!! It requires respect, joy, prudence, temperance, harmony, and TRUST in God's will in GIVING IT TO YOU HERE!!!

★through every trial,★
♥PERSEVERE!♥
★LOVE WILL GUIDE YOU!★

food is LIFE transmuting death into MORE LIFE!!!

remember what Laurie said: you gotta get bigger if you wanna be a BRICK HOUSE!!

★GOD'S WORD DEMOLISHES SIN'S "STRONGHOLDS"!
★WRITE DOWN ALL DISOBEDIENT, DISHONORABLE THOUGHTS/ FEELINGS AND MAKE THEM CAPTIVE TO CHRIST!!!

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051717

CBT

-journaling = set goals/topics

★"paint" metaphor = you might not be able to change the room/ situation itself, BUT you can at least PAINT/ DECORATE IT!!
("safe/resonant" spaces)
"INNER HOUSE"
situations/ events are empty rooms/ canvases =
YOU can choose what color to paint the room you're living in, so to speak!!
★"vibe" transformation

"paint over the eating disorder" (better yet, REMODEL!!!)

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(later)

It happened again.

Today, Wednesday, was one of my favorite lunches-- grilled cheese & sun chips. It's lovely.
But, we had another student nurse in the dining room, like poor Kayla, and this time, I didn't just dissociate from the "she can see EVERYTHING wrong & bad about my behavior & as a result staff thinks I'm evil & untrustworthy" fears… I gave in. That overwhelmed, exhausted, scared-&-crying kid part of me just gave up, and instead of TRYING to "be a good kid & change their minds about me," I was SO CONVINCED that such effort was hopeless, because it would seem like "suspicious buttering-up behavior to try & HIDE how evil they knew I was," and therefore even a Nobel Peace Prize would only serve to make them shake their heads & click their tongues, disgusted with the flagrant brassness of my hypocrisy… instead of facing such spiritual-existential despair, I decided to just let them say "I knew it." "I told you so."
I lapsed.
I drank the hot sauce. I licked the papers. I deconstructed the sandwich.

And because that dissociated paranoia hampered my ability to participate in/ remember the meal,
(but not God's ability)
I wanted to try again.

Amy cut hers into little bits & left half on her food tray.
I took one.

Just one. One tiny, inch big square. I ate it in the bathroom alone, quiet. I took my time.
I tasted it. That miniscule portion, taken in such slow isolation, was a feast.
I was happy. My body was sated. Had that been my sole & only meal of the day, it still would have satisfied.
But the guilt was unbearable.

I threw up in the sink.

…Is taking & eating food that someone else THREW AWAY AS GARBAGE a sin? No, but my gluttonous motivation is what made it so today.

Binges happen because I'm dissociated & desperate for quiet, comprehending, attentive wholeness, and I keep forcing second and twenty-second tries, just as desperate to "get it right," to heal…
It cannot heal, not in that mindset.

Get it Good the first time, please.

★your heart garden needs fertilizer too, dude!!
sometimes, I think, God lets "manure" like this happen so He can transmute it into that very Good use.
BUT that's at HIS merciful discretion!!! BE GOOD!!! ♥

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052017

CBT

(★NO EXCUSES ALLOWED!!! God gave you a Spirit of Good POWER to RESIST DISMISS ALL SIN, THROUGH GOD'S power!!!)

help us identify AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS, TO CHANGE THEM!
★see patterns; identify distortions; HEAL

DBT = emotional
CBT = wise mind/ rationality/ ★THOUGHT RECORDS || ★is this a TRUE thought, or a distortion?

1) SITUATION→ what's happening around me? OBJECTIVE DESCRIPTION! "what's the crisis? who is involved?"
2) THOUGHTS→ what our mental responses are; SUBJECTIVE! "think it through;" SEE that process!
3) FEELINGS→ what our feelings/emotions are; RATE THEM! try to stay OBJECTIVE in listing them!

(plant GOOD seeds!)
★distorted thoughts fuel harmful feelings!!
★TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your choices! AND their consequences!!

★PREDISPOSE YOUR HEART & MIND TO ACTS OF LOVE, MERCY, GRATITUDE, & HUMILITY!
★armor of virtue!! (+PRAYER!! God is the SOURCE of virtue; ASK HIM for it!!)

★When you re-tune your heart, you CAN "walk through the valley of death" and yet FEAR NO EVIL, because CHRIST IS WITH YOU!!! don't ever let go of His guiding hand!!

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052217

DBT

"I don't know [this], but please TEACH ME!!"
(humility/ wisdom!)

★radical acceptance= TRUST in the big picture!!

★find ANCHORS for trust= knowledge, fact, reliability, etc.
(take time)

★learning = PARTICIPATION!

★focus on what you CAN control = YOUR RESPONSE TO IT!! ♥

★STALWART COURAGE & DEDICATION TO VIRTUE!!!

★appreciate little blessings! take NOTHING for granted!!!

1) Life can be tough! It's not always fair or easy.
2) Some things CANNOT be changed; death, especially
★3) It is what it is! Balance of uncontrollable/ controllable; see clearly; CAREFUL!!!
(DON'T "GIVE UP" & USE THIS TO FALSELY "JUSTIFY" IT!!)
4) You may not always agree with OR like the situation!
(accept it & move forwards regardless!!)
(^OBEDIENCE/ HUMILITY/ DEDICATION)
★respect authority!!

~BE STRONG, BE COURAGEOUS, & DO EVERYTHING IN LOVE!!! ♥~

YOU WILL GET THROUGH WHATEVER HAPPENS! ♥
(and if not, then you're with God! ♥)

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052617

DBT

objective observation; ALL observers reach the SAME CONCLUSION!!!

★judgments force things to "CONFORM;" conflict w/ mindfulness!!
(reject what IS)
^★"what is "good," "expected," etc. instead of "what WORKS?"
★even "good" judgments can be VERY WRONG!!

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052817

★bizarre E.D. fear contributing heavily to PURGING=
"putting OUTSIDE things INSIDE"
"they DON'T BELONG THERE"
feels WRONG, INVASIVE

★contrast childhood obsession w/ going INSIDE things??
(hercules sea monster, magic school bus body trips, etc.)
"vore" concept? INFI???

★TOYS like this??? e.g. clear tummies w sparkly water in 'em, etc.??

LOOK THIS STUFF UP & see if you STILL resonate with it somehow?
USE IT TO HEAL

vomiting = want to be EMPTY;
WHY?

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053017

★CORE BELIEFS = AFFECT SELF ESTEEM

"identity" : DON'T SHACKLE TO SHIFTING THINGS!!!
★don't let others do so, either!

"this is how I AM, that is how I WAS.
I will NOT go back; have faith in me!!"

★ACTIONS=PROOF!!
DON'T EVER GIVE UP!

★THEY CAN CHANGE, TOO!!! ♥
(HAVE HOPE & PRAY!) ("LOOK UP")
"don't hold me to my past,"
then don't hold THEM to it, either!!!

"treat others as YOU would like to be treated"!!
★bring them UP to where you are. ♥
★SET A GOOD EXAMPLE!!

you KNOW who you ARE, truly.
at the end of the day, REMEMBER THAT.
★you are changing for YOU. (AND OTHERS!!!) not to "please people!"
DO WHAT IS GOOD ACROSS THE BOARD!!
★PLEASE GOD ALONE!!