prismaticbleed | iscah meal log 060717 (Reply)

Jun. 7th, 2017 09:30 am = a second chance! ♥

Breakfast= two slices of French toast, double butter, scrambled eggs, orange juice, three sugar packets, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and honey! This was quite a unique variation on this breakfast today, but honestly? It was SO WORTH IT. ♥ First off, I put ALL the sugar in the eggs, so it tasted TOTALLY like hrutka, which was boss. But then I put the butters on the warm bread, most on one and a little less on the other-- because on the other, which was a tad colder and on which the butter therefore softened but didn't totally melt, I mixed in HONEY with it. It was daring, yes-- but BOY OH BOY, WAS IT EVER WORTH IT! The flavors combined SO NICELY. The butter somehow mellowed out the honey's otherwise-overwhelming sharply-sweet taste? And the bread, too, with its eggy-vanilla-wheat beautiful flavor combo, was strongly grounded enough TO carry it well. I'm not sure if I'd try the honey again, though? It's still a bit TOO potently sweet for me, although it IS good. We'll see! In any case, my absolute favorite thing is how SOFT & SQUISHY the French toast gets when it's warm & buttery!! ♥ The center bites are SO NICE. It's also nice how the inside stays drier, but still soft from soaking/ toasting, and spongy in a lightly chewy way! AND the crusts stay super firm-soft, not stiff or hard, but like... stale stiff? Nicely so, mind!! Not as hard as the bread pudding, but close?? Either way, I love it. And that inside bread ALSO turns a lovely "french vanilla yellow," strongly leaning amber but with a definite yellow tint & maybe some white? And of course, there's also wholesome lovely brown all around it, too. I just can't believe I never really paid attention to it before, and I am deeply sorry. See, there's STILL so much I have to learn... still so much that I'm completely missing... even after multiple tries. I just... I feel so blind sometimes, and it hurts. I LOVE food SOLELY because it is a gift from GOD. I love it ONLY as a tangible, generous, wondrous manifestation OF His Creative Goodness! I... it can't ever not be that. There's nothing wrong with loving food, as long as GOD is the true focus. There's nothing wrong with loving ANYTHING, because it's LOVE, and Love is OF GOD!!! ...But that's why I hurt. I love the French toast, with its soft spongy-firm & squishy-sweet precious textures, mellow with butter & egg & heat and so lovely with vanilla & cinnamon & nutmeg... I love it truly; I deeply appreciate how Good it is, how sweet & soft & gentle & happy but strong in its wheaty heart, solid & reliable & yet ever so kind. AND I love the eggs, not just with the dear sparkly sugar that, with the heat & moisture, "melts" into it like snow in sunlight and makes those gorgeously textured fluffy eggs taste like Easter, but also in their inherent taste & texture, their yolky flavor & light but confident taste, the unique mouthfeel & fork-feel they have. I also love the butter itself, creamy & salty and SO lovely to me, especially since so many others despise it-- double butter is a BLESSING, and I will ENSURE it STAYS that way, by Loving it sincerely & affectionately no matter WHAT others say, to reassure it that it IS loveable, that it IS treasured & appreciated, that it IS a gift of God, that it IS helping my body store up holy oil for its soul-lamp, that the blessed cow that gave of herself to make this butter is STILL blessed & honored in the respectful, consciously grateful, affectionate partaking of her gift-- butter IS a food I legitimately like AND enjoy, and the same goes for the honey, which, despite its super-potent syrupy thick amber sugar-sweet taste, unique in its tone & texture, still tastes lovely and honestly? I DO like it, very much! I just feel "ashamed" FOR truly liking such a sweet luxurious thing. But that feeling is a distortion!! I'm REALLY just afraid of the hidden lie IN that shame-obligation-- the fear that, JUST by liking a Good & rich food, I'm somehow a glutton. NOT SO! Because gluttons think DIFFERENTLY than I now do-- I LOVE the food, and when one acts purely FROM that deep love, one MUST respect the food, the time, the community, AND themselves-- wantonness, waste, disrespect, & inattention are foreign concepts to Love. And THAT'S why it hurts that I'm still missing data on so many foods, solely because I haven't been paying complete, deep attention to them yet. Love, by its very nature, wants to know as much as it can about its beloved, TO Love them ever more completely & genuinely & unconditionally! But... I haven't been Loving so totally. I've been distracted, and tired, and sad & distressed sometimes, and although it's terribly unfair, I let that get in the way of my Love. I wasn't as devoted as I should have been... I wasn't as aware of God as I should have been. ...But now I know. He taught me deeply & compassionately through my failing. And I promise, I will gratefully continue to Love my best.

Lunch= 4TH FLOOR BONUS SELF SELECT!!! ♥ I tragically had to sacrifice my beloved grilled cheese for this opportunity, but even though I WAS honestly very distressed about that fact, I kept remembering how God had tested me to sacrifice my angel food cake and I had failed. I was determined to SUCCEED today, through obeying humbly & trusting God, and so I COMPLETELY surrendered into His hands and His will, saying honestly that even though I WAS scared & upset & confused, I knew my understanding & perception were sorely limited, AND-- even moreso-- I KNEW that whatever God was planning & orchestrating, it WAS for my highest Good, AND His Glory... the glory of Love & Truth. So I surrendered the grilled cheese, and in return, God gave me these: a large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber; 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing; 2 tbsp mayonnaise, 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds; an apple, Greek rice w/ red bell pepper & feta cheese; two pieces of tilapia w/ red bell pepper & raisin compote; one heaping helping of "grilled" (?) harvest vegetables (orange AND yellow carrots, parsnips, sweet potato, red onion, + red bell pepper!), one packet of tartar sauce, and one bag of salsa Sun Chips. And here is the genius: I put the apple, the dressing, the mayo, the cheese shreds, AND the Sun Chips IN THE SALAD. Then I mixed it all together & ran the plastic knife through it a few times to break things into biteable sizes & shapes... and I am telling you, dude, it was one of the BEST SALADS I have had in my ENTIRE LIFE. ♥ Honestly, WOW. The apple actually tasted wonderful with the mayo, the cheese mixed perfectly with the chips, and the BLUE cheese dressing fused THOSE together, with the spinach, to create a truly fantastic flavor combo. ♥ A tad heavy on taste from the cheeses-- cheddar is POTENT and so is blue cheese-- perhaps, but I have NO REGRETS. Cheese-punch or not, I thoroughly enjoyed EVERY SINGLE BITE. ♥ The cucumbers, also, were SO FRESH, all super-bright with their cool, crisp water content, and the mushrooms were so dearly rich in their own unique "petrichor" taste, with their foamy-firm but softly breaking texture, and they were BIG pieces, too! Dude it was just SO GREAT; I have GOT to use salads as exchange sinks (respectfully & lovingly!!) at home! ♥ Oh-- but we're just getting started, dude! Now for those OTHER vegetables! I want to say they were grilled or sauteed or something, because they were cut into HUGE thick slices, but they weren't mushy OR crisp-- they were firm but still softened, AND slightly caramelized?? They were AMAZING. ♥ Also, after I ate the big carrot/ parsnip slices and the wonderfully softened-but-solid sweet potato pieces, the bell pepper & onion bits were proving hard to scoop up SO I mixed them with the tartar sauce. Perhaps an unwise move in terms of "proper mixing"-- and I AM sorry for that-- BUT IT WORKED and it actually tasted LOVELY! Possibly because both those vegetables have a little "bite" of their own, a bitter-sweet flavor that works pretty darn well with tartar sauce, I suppose! But amusingly enough, there were also red bell peppers ON the actual fish, but Those were heavily caramelized & heat-softened & mixed with RAISINS in a uniquely sweet, non-sugary, warmly flavored compote. It was INCREDIBLE. And SO WAS THAT FISH!!! ♥♥ It was as white & soft & light as the cod, but NOT acrid or rivery-tasting really? This stuff tasted SOLIDLY of good fresh fish and it was BEAUTIFUL. ♥ Remind me to include a LOT more fish in my diet for the future, because it really is THAT GOOD. ♥ Oh, and lastly? SO WAS THE RICE! ♥ Yes, I LOVED it!! It was this unique, pinkish-orange color, with red bell pepper bits mixed in along with several BIG pieces of feta cheese! I totally forgot that stuff existed and it was SO GOOD. ♥ Dry in texture, mild but uniquely flavored, a little like blue cheese... I like it! And the rice had I think some spice in it? Or tomato flavor? Both? I couldn't quite place it, but it was SO NICE. ♥ This WHOLE MEAL was SUCH a HUGE BLESSING. ♥

3PM Snack= a pretzel NuGo bar because I love them and they are lovely. ♥ I'm getting REALLY good at timing now-- I can lovingly enjoy every bite of the NuGo and STILL finish in 7 minutes!! 10 is the average, but yeah, I can MINDFULLY do three less, now! ♥ And I REALLY love the seasalt and dark chocolate taste of the NuGos-- their chocolate taste ISN'T sugary so the salt accents-- AND the salty-crisp insides-- work perfectly to enhance the flavor without making it TOO sharply so! ♥

Dinner= vegetable lasagna, cherry pie, a side salad (w/ one giant grape tomato, several big violet cabbage pieces, lettuce, and julienned carrot), French dressing, a vanilla shake 'em up, & vanilla VHC. I will say flat-out: I was very dissociated and hypersensitive during this meal, sadly... but I didn't give up. I didn't forget God, although the devil WAS trying to hurt me into doing that. But he NEVER will. GOD IS ETERNALLY VICTORIOUS, and with contrite yet courageous gratitude & Love & shaking-but-blissful reverence for Him and His Goodness, I WILL proclaim God's beauty & victory now, AND heal my stomach & soul, by focusing wholeheartedly on praising God in this meal now-- for He WAS Present there, no matter how dissociated I was. God didn't fail in His Love, even though I was stumbling about. God never fails. He CANNOT fail... and He cannot fail to love us, either. And THAT is infinite hope; that is infinite courage. Even if I TOTALLY screw up, God is ALWAYS there for me, my eternally Loving Father, letting me learn from these mistakes BUT not letting me get lost. I have faith. Even when my knees are shaking, even when I feel totally confused, even when I do my best and things still hurt... no matter how much of a fool I may act like, or how anxious I feel, or how obsessive & superstitious I get about my decisions, ESPECIALLY when I'm trying so hard to "do the right thing" and NOT hurt or spite anyone else, especially by accident... God, my heart hurts so much at how foolish I've been. I beat myself up SO HARD for every failed effort, even when I did my best, GENUINELY so... but that's the ironic point of all of this, isn't it? I'm human. I'm imperfect. I'm GOING to "fail," simply because I AM human & imperfect... and to deny that, to reject that, to demand perfection, is ignoring & denying & effectively rejecting GOD'S presence in my life. God has Wisdom, NOT ME. God has the power and the strength, NOT ME! And when I REALIZE that, when I ACCEPT that... well, isn't that the most beautifully funny thing? When I fully admit and accept my frailty, my foolishness, my incompleteness, my imperfection... then, suddenly, there is room for God to fill me up with Himself-- He who IS Wisdom and Strength and Wholeness and true Perfection. Without God, I'm nothing, and I can do nothing. BUT God can USE ME like a paintbrush, like a prism, to let HIM shine THROUGH me, for my sake, for HIS sake within me, His child BY FAITH. It all comes down to faith, to trust, to humility, to surrender.. to Love. And as soon as that spark flares to life, God's light enters in and TOTALLY overcomes the darkness. Even if our faith is only the size of a mustard seed, God can STILL make it bloom into a huge and beautiful tree. You get the picture! But you GOTTA get out of your own head first, as it were. Step back from the skull! Look at the BIGGER picture-- the BIGGEST one!! In the end, only ONE THING matters... how much did we Love? How open were our hearts to God-- seeing Him in all things, serving Him at all times, in all things, for all things? How Christlike were we to His Creation? How fixed were our hearts on higher things? And all of that requires faith-- the TRUST that, no matter what, GOD IS ALL THAT MATTERS-- the ONLY thing that lasts. We humans will ALL die one day, and when we do, we go to Him. Heaven is not isolated... nor should we be here. If we truly wish to achieve heaven, we must meet its sole criterion-- we must bring heaven HERE, by letting God be with us NOW. Because heaven is, simply & profoundly, unity with God. Trying to live in a way that denies, overlooks, ignores, rejects, or diminishes that fact, automatically puts you in a place commonly known as hell. Separation from God. And it IS hell. It's unbearable. BUT. God is merciful. God is Loving & forgiving and He KNOWS we are weak, that we are dust, BUT he ALSO sent His SON to us, to touch our hearts and GIVE us the ability TO get to heaven... by giving Himself to us, literally... as true bread. And so it comes full circle. God is in every meal, God is in our hearts. But we have to LET HIM IN, thanks to our gift of free will-- the gift that, paradoxically, allows us to experience hell on earth... so that we CAN do what is impossible for man-- we can let God in, through faith & Love, and be brought into heaven. ♥

8PM Snack= one plain Sun Chips, and two pretzel NuGo bars. Simple but beloved faves! ♥ Just like last night. But honestly, their simple beloved comfort is exactly what I need some nights... just nice, gentle, easy-to-partake friends, God's Good gifts. So I'm glad I got to peacefully share in that again tonight. ♥ It's perfectly OK to just treasure & value the virtue of simple friendly happy comfort, you know! ♥

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SELF SELECT 060717 = Jun. 7th, 2017 11:30 am / #4 (LUNCH) ~WEDNESDAY 0607~ (1) D | (1) FR | (2) S | (3) M | (2) F | (1) CS
1) A large spinach salad w/ mushroom & cucumber (~V) 2) 2 tbsp blue cheese dressing (2F) 3) 2 tbsp mayonnaise (2F) 4) 1/2 cup cheddar cheese shreds (1D) 5) 6oz tilapia w/ red pepper & raisin compote (3M) 6) 1 cup Greek rice w/ feta cheese (2S) 7) 1 svg harvest vegs (yam, onion, parsnip, carrot, pepper) (~V) 8) 1 apple (1FR) 9) 1 bag salsa sun chips (1CS) 10) 1 packet tartar sauce (-) 11) 480mL decaf black tea (-)
I put the mayo, apple, cheese, AND chips in the spinach salad, and it was legit one of the BEST salads I've had in my ENTIRE LIFE. The harvest vegs were sliced HUGE and soft-firm & vaguely caramelized & WONDERFUL. I mixed the onion/pepper with the tartar and that was great, too! The tilapia was INCREDIBLE, and the compote too! The rice was dry but delicious and I enjoyed every bite. Fearless love 100%! ♥AND I finished ALL of it with two minutes to spare!!
♥almost there!= applesauce, coffee, kashi, cocktail sauce ♥new friends!= blue cheese dressing, caesar dressing, rice, feta cheese, cheddar cheese, tilapia, parsnips, sweet potatoes, red peppers, red onions, carrots, tartar sauce + jello, whole milk