prismaticbleed | iscah meal log 060617 (Reply)

Jun. 6th, 2017 09:30 am = waking up, suddenly in love. ♥

Breakfast= oatmeal, raisins, brown sugar, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, peach honey tea, strawberry Greek yogurt, and a strawberry Pop Tart-- which I lovingly heated up yet again, and thoroughly enjoyed as always. ♥ I have to thank God for that-- the fact that I am finally at a point in my life where I CAN and DO fearlessly love Pop Tarts. ♥ Unconditional, divinely-reverent, joyfully appreciative & wondrous love is so freeing. It's a literal taste of heaven-- pun intended, since it HAS manifested itself most miraculously THROUGH food. Talk about transmutation! But that, too, is something I will perpetually thank God for, AND perpetually LIVE for, for His sake... and I HAVE to express that, too, in ALL my ways-- such as here! So let's sing His praises through the Pop Tart and rejoice in the beautifully unexpected fact that we CAN do so! ♥ First off, warming it TOTALLY changes the filling consistency AND tone?? It DOESN'T sugar-burn, and it's not as "pale-bright" a red-- it becomes more jelly-red, but NOT as dark as the Nutrigrain. It's maybe tinged ever-so-slightly with a cerise lean? But yeah, it becomes less of a tint-lean, and more of a solid hue. It's LOVELY. And the biscuity part, when warm, ALSO gets mellowed out-- its "salty" tone (from butter or oil? no idea what the ingredients actually are, sorry!) gets more wide & golden, enhancing the flour-base taste so that the whole thing tastes even MORE like the pie crusts we get here!! Even the ICING gets mellowed out-- it's still playful white sugar, but when warm, it's like a hug from a child. Pop Tarts are pretty sweet, dude! It really does make my heart sing to be able to SEE God's Goodness reflected in a food that is so frequently feared, poor thing... even by me, once, as I said. But not anymore. I promise I will ALWAYS strive to keep my heart pure & clear & loving, with its sight FIXED on Higher Things, on the BIGGEST picture, on GOD... so that it CANNOT fear anything, but only LOVE. And, as I've said many times before, and yet which will ALWAYS be fully relevant and worth repeating... the food is all innocent. IT'S ALL GOD'S LOVING CREATION. Any fear or hate or condemnation projected onto it is just a lie-- a judgment that no one has any right to make, especially not here in COPE! Who brought us to this place? GOD. Who determines every meal & food we eat here? GOD. Who challenges us daily to choose Love over fear & despair & hate & other such lies? GOD. No matter what happens, it ALL comes from Him, and it is ALL FOR HIM, who is ALL GOOD and who only wants Good for US, too. Always! And so we must do OUR part to do HIS work, and have hearts open to Him to bring His Love TO ALL THINGS here, THROUGH us, His Chosen People through the Trinity!! And, similarly, God ALSO brings His Love to all of us, through ALL of Creation! Including Pop Tarts. ♥ AND through the other items in this meal, too, 100%-- it honestly boggles my now Lovestruck mind to realize that, eight weeks ago, I was suffocating in a deluge of lies, and I was falsely but totally afraid of every poor, beautiful, innocent, blessed food that NOW-- eight weeks later-- I can truly and totally LOVE every one of them! ♥ Milk, raisins, sugar, wheat, oats, corn syrup even... the strawberries, too!! And I will be totally honest-- those lies are STILL being hissed into my ears by devils, BUT!! Like Saint Paul said, those "thorns in my side" are ALLOWED by God because they teach a PROFOUNDLY VITAL Truth-- that God's Grace is sufficient for us. When we are weak-- when we become SO frighteningly aware of our human shortcomings & failures & ignorance & misunderstanding, when we realize that we CAN'T do anything without God (nor can anything else ever)-- then, suddenly, that very weakness becomes a "strength," because now it is a wound that lets GOD IN. We must first be humbled, truly aware of our lowliness, in order for God to work in us, through us, for us. We must acknowledge that we are empty before He can fill us-- and oh, the moment we do, the very instant we feebly turn our eyes upwards in sincere hope-- with hearts pure through contrition and reverent awe and humility-- instantly, when our hearts are so soft and fragile and broken open, He fills them to overflowing with gold. HE fills the cracks in us with HIS radiant Glory. HE uses our wounds to make us into even more beautiful examples of His artistry, of His craftsmanship, of His ability to make a broken thing whole, to make a damaged thing complete again, to make the lowly shine... because HIS HANDS TOUCHED IT. Love is vulnerability, Love is selfless giving and openness to receive in turn; Love is washing the feet of others, feeding them, carrying them... and then, Lovingly, letting THEM show God's Love back to you in the same ways. ♥

Lunch= pizza, a side salad (1 grape tomato, 2 cucumber slices), ranch dressing, chocolate cake w/ ganache-cream frosting, vanilla VHC, and ONE packet of hot sauce-- which I put ON THE SALAD!! Little victories! It actually didn't taste half bad, either! So that was nice. But as for the ACTUAL salad dressing, I only got a bit of ranch on the lettuce today-- and as always, it worked wonderfully with it, its cultured-sour taste adding a zip of brightness and good "flavor weight" to the delicate lettuce (whereas the hot sauce, while also adding flavor, was too overpowering in its heat to really be used properly in a salad)-- because MOST of that packet went on the CAKE. ♥ And it was BOSS! I will admit, there was a bit of unexpected dissonance in it somewhere-- something salty, I think? I'm not sure; I was nervous about "getting caught" and so the data is unclear, so although I really want to try again next week, I'll have to be VERY careful about it, so that I don't dissociate out of guilty shame & hurt the whole data-gathering process AND my mental peace, which DID happen today. But I still did my darndest, darn it. I didn't let that throw me off, because people put may IN chocolate cake for heavens sakes, and from what I recall, that ranch was REALLY GOOD with this one!!! ♥ So I WILL try again, next time, lovingly & carefully. For now, I had the rest of the cake half with VHC sips-- that thick, creamy, browner vanilla a lovely filling-out complement taste to it-- and half as-is, savoring its moist dark chocolate tone, dark enough to be mature & calm, in loving friendship with the buttery-warm-toned chocolate frosting, a warmer brown and sweeter & creamy-rich, lovely & smooth like an Easter chocolate joy, blending blissfully with the cake. I have to be VERY vigilant with this blessed dessert every week, though-- like I said last night, there's that creeping E.D. lie-fear that tells me I "shouldn't like this cake." Well, to that I say, "buzz off!" It's ALL Good God-given gifts! Flour, MILK, EGGS, BUTTER, SUGAR, CHOCOLATE... it's a SUPER FEMININE food, even MORESO when you consider its unity, and so the E.D. rejects it by virtue OF its virtues-- sweetness, fatness, wholesomeness, & richness. All qualities of femininity, ALL GOOD, and all feared by a disease that wants to be thin, bitter, empty, & poor. Eating disorders serve death, and so when they encounter something THAT full of LIFE, totally unashamed of it, totally joyous in testifying to the Goodness of God that CREATED such things FOR His children to taste a glimmer of HIS blissful, whole, rich, bounteous sweetness, and so to praise & rejoice in Him here WHILE evermore ardently seeking Him above... when something so hellbent on falsehood sees that, well. Of COURSE the devil is going to try to corrupt it. Why else would such things be labeled as "bad?" Why else would the devil ENCOURAGE BOTH gluttony AND starvation? Because ALL of that nonsense is based on IRREVERENCE. If one acts out of LOVE FOR GOD, IN ALL THINGS, BY all the things WE do... then you CAN'T binge OR starve because your heart is too full of Love to act against Love in ANY way!!! Love doesn't condemn, or hate, or fear. God is Love, and when we live IN that Love, we can see God everywhere... for God IS, and so is everything FROM Him. Bottom line? A heart full of love loves eternally & infinitely. A heart full of love LOVES chocolate cake, and RESPECTS it, and TREASURES it with a GODLY FOCUS. Similarly, a loving heart doesn't force itself to eat, for THAT is destruction. "Obligatory" eating-- not based on Love or health, but on compulsion-- is ALSO demonically irreverent. In short? Cake is cake. It just IS. But God is STILL present in its parts, as He is in ALL things, so whether you CHOOSE to eat cake or not, what matters is that your choice is anchored in & motivated by LOVE for GOD... in the cake, and in YOUR body. And the same goes for PIZZA! In my mission to love all unloved things, I DO truly Love this food, not just because of its also-feminine parts, but ALSO because of Jessie. I will love EVERY red food to PROVE that it is INNOCENT, and that SHE IS SAFE, and LOVED, and FREE-- and so is the pizza. So is the lasagna. The devil tried to shackle it to the past, but I will CHALLENGE that lie at EVERY meal, by testifying to GOD'S POWER TO HEAL ALL THINGS of the distorted lies that mask the untouchable TRUTH. ♥

3PM Snack= another mint chocolate NuGo because they are lovely. I couldn't spend as much time with it today, as snack happened DURING art group, but even though I had to hurry, I didn't get upset-- I used that challenge to treasure the fleeting time even more, AND had to give thanks to the fact that it's gradually becoming easier for me to eat around other people without anxiety! We're UPROOTING those weeds every 3PM now, and planting beautiful flowers! ♥

Dinner= chicken w/ skin, bread stuffing w/ celery & gravy, a chocolate magic cup, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and a sweet potato souffle! I have to say... I think this is the best instance of this meal for me, in terms of how simply lovingly focused I was on it... WITHOUT "TRYING"!!! ♥ I literally just freely let myself enjoy every bite-- no stress, no obsession, nothing but gratitude & Love. And as a result, everything "registered" simply and nicely-- which, honestly, is my goal for EVERY meal in the future. And really, I'm just trying to figure out exactly WHAT my obstacles are, between now and that ideal. I know I keep saying I'm just "trying too hard," but what exactly does that mean? And why do I feel I have to do it? And for what reason? Well, let's start at the top. Most importantly, WHENEVER & WHATEVER I eat, I HAVE to eat it with love and joy and gratitude & childlike wonder & GOOD VIBES-- because whatever I project ONTO the food, ends up IN ME. And THAT'S why I ended up so scared of "being fat" for so long... because it was tangibly storing all the bad vibes I was "eating" THROUGH projection... and through ignorance & ingratitude... AND from the "bad vibes" OTHER people may have unintentionally put into the food as they were preparing and/ or serving it! And THAT'S why it's so difficult for me to eat here when people are EXPLICITLY putting bad vibes into the meal... AND why I freakin' LOVE Leyla, who is the ONLY person I've met here so far (besides myself) who has GOOD THINGS to say about the meals!! And that's SO IMPORTANT. Thank God for her! But yeah-- why do I try so hard? Because it's the loving thing to do. And when I'm facing obstacles like dissociation & depression & negativity, it CAN feel like a real struggle TO do the positive loving thing in the face of it all... hence the "hard" part. BUT. As a certain tiny alien sage once said: "Do, or do not; there is no "try.'" And that statement has been expanded upon by my beloved axe-wielding bodyguard, so to speak, in quite a pun-intended literal-metaphor sense in this particular context. Yes, I "try hard," BUT only because, at heart, I'm already DOING the Loving thing. I wouldn't even BE "trying" if that deep desire & capacity FOR Love wasn't already present AND active within me!! And so, now that I'm thinking about it... perhaps there are no obstacles. Perhaps there are only challenges. Perhaps even just USING the words "try" & "hard" are the real hindrances, too? Because language is powerful, and if I sit down to a meal thinking, REGARDLESS of external circumstances (although they can heavily influence such a thought), that I HAVE to "try hard," well... then I'm going to EXPECT to struggle. I'd effectively be mentally forbidding myself FROM relaxing into an easy, simply loving, childlike-joy attitude for that meal. And that, too, is a key-- children don't "try" to Love; they just DO!! Because they see no reason NOT to. And, again, there IS no such reason! ♥ And God has deeply blessed me by actively AND literally preserving that childlike mindset, simple & pure but unflinchingly devoted to its cause, within me... and it's a huge part of WHY it hurts so much to see others struggling-- because there is no struggle other than what we make for ourselves. When I sit down to a meal, I bless it in Christ's name, thanking God for His gifts of food both in Creation and specifically AT that meal... I offer it BACK TO HIM as a sign of that grateful recognition & praise, asking Him in prayer to sanctify it FOR His praise & glory IN my Loving partaking of it, AND to bless my heart and sanctify it so that I CAN do so. I pray for the ability to make that meal a prayer... but then I tend to make one big human error. I worry. Despite my prayer, I STILL think that the realization of that prayer has to be a "struggle," that it has to be a "battle." I forget to just let go and TRUST... because, I will admit... somewhere inside, I still feel guilty for asking, and think that, therefore, "I have to work for it." THAT'S ACTUALLY A PRIDE DISTORTION. God gives according to His LOVE & GRACE, NOT any "merit" of ours! God will bless that meal FOR HIS GLORY, not "mine"-- and THANK GOD FOR THAT, because if I just surrender into that trust, and-- like a child-- release ALL pointless worry and JUST LOVE the gifts I've been given, because they ARE blessed and therefore 100% loveable... well, then we are guaranteed victory in Christ's Love... like today. ♥

8PM Snack= two plain Sun Chips and one pretzel NuGo. ♥ Simple but beloved. I haven't had my dear plain Sun Chips in a while, either, so it was so nice to be able to experience their calm & gentle warmth & taste again. Also, the pretzel NuGo somehow has a similar effect, with the sea salt? I'm not sure why! But salty snacks seem to go really well with bedtime moods, when sugar would just keep you awake really. But nevertheless, it's ALL lovely & blessed in its own time... and thank God for it all! ♥