prismaticbleed | iscah meal log 060917 (Reply)

Jun. 9th, 2017 09:30 am = farewell, miss Leyla ♥

Breakfast= a bacon egg & cheese English muffin, an orange, orange juice, chai green tea, vanilla soymilk, vanilla VHC, and an apple cinnamon Nutrigrain bar. Let's say it all together, now-- I FREAKIN' LOVE THIS BREAKFAST. ♥ I just do, man!! It's so totally GOOD. It's also been a while since I had an apple Nutrigrain, but this little darling was on my tray so I got to experience its blessings again by serendipity-- thanks be to God, of course! ♥ I have to say I REALLY like the "grain" parts of them, too, not just that lovely delicious warm-amber apple-cinnamon filling! The grains add to it of course, as a soothing wholesome unitive balance, all sweet & soft with wheat & oats, crumbly and gentle. I also don't know if I've ever properly described their mouthfeel? It's SO nice, honestly... the softness & crumbliness of the flour and the jelly-ish gooey-gummy filling combine so smoothly... remind me to pay extra attention NEXT week, and take notes if I have to! Also, remind me to EAT THAT ORANGE LAST because yes I did it again. I LOVE oranges but I ALSO love the BECM and I want to save THAT for last, BUT if I do, then that orange oil taste just gets everywhere, man. But it's OK; I just have to be DARING and eat that orange LAST! Hey, would THAT count as a TRUE challenge? Learning AND DOING the lesson that I DON'T have to "wait until the last minute" to have something I really love & enjoy, and then being forced to rush & not enjoy it? And why am I playing favorites?? I love oranges dearly, too-- I get just as happy when one shows up for me to Lovingly eat! So why shouldn't IT get the "seat of honor" for once, as it stands right now? See, THOSE are the sorts of ritualistic & obsessive behaviors/ thought processes that an eating disorder THRIVES upon. Well, never again. I promise you, next week I WILL challenge that baseless, unfair, frustrating compulsion, and regardless of what senseless anxieties & superstitious worries will arise, I WILL eat the orange last... and maybe even eat the BECM first. Yes, EVEN before the Nutrigrain!! Who knows? Maybe in eating it first, with a mind fresh for the day, clear & open, I'll taste it more clearly & totally than ever before-- I'll enjoy it more than ever before! ♥ And THEN, I can take my time with the orange, savoring ITS gifts & beauty as I dearly want to, not rushing... treasuring its cool vivid color & water, its sweetness & citrusy-oil peel, its unique & beautiful textures... yes, I think I'd like that. ♥ So I WILL! And see? THAT is recovery. THAT is TRUE conquering of the E.D.-- pulling out ALL its roots!! Because ANYTHING that is painful or distressing to my heart, ANYTHING that disturbs the True Peace of the Spirit's clarity in me-- the Spirit itself CANNOT be disturbed, but I can lose sight of it if I am being heavily bombarded with lies, sadly (although every victory of Love strengthens my soul AND body and makes my feet stand ever firmer)-- anything that "doesn't feel right," that ISN'T rooted in LOVE & PRUDENCE & WISDOM & PRAISE OF GOD... anything that has to lie & manipulate, it is ALL disorder. It ALL opposes God's True ORDER, which is harmony THROUGH LOVE! And Love is Truth, and "the Truth will set you free," and we have Love through Grace, and Grace gives COURAGE. Yeah, those rituals CLAIM to be loving, but they do not bring God's peace. They cause worry if questioned, they cause panic & fear if tested. They are VICIOUS, those compulsions. They are NOT things I should be listening to, because they are solidly UNTRUE by their very existence. And so, to make a long story short? I'm gonna FIND 'EM ALL-- find EVERY obsessive compulsive ritual I'm currently acting upon and CHALLENGE THEM ALL. And then I will watch them crumple to dust under their own weight of emptiness, and THEN I will be TOTALLY FREE of yet another vicious thing-- I will be FREE to choose what is MOST WISE, what is PRUDENT, what is LOVING. I will not be shackled to obsessive "only this, EVER" lies, that kill possibility & learning & discovery & LIBERTY. I want my heart to be at peace... I want to feel CAPABLE of choosing rightly, which CAN and WILL ONLY HAPPEN once all those deafening obsessions are gone... and I can finally hear and obey the SPIRIT OF GOD INSTEAD. In order to obey, I must first LISTEN! And... beautifully paradoxically... doing that DESPITE all obstacles automatically & instantly conquers them all. ♥ So trust God, obey Him, and be free. ♥

Lunch= potato-encrusted cod, steamed broccoli, rice pilaf, a dinner roll, double butter, a brownie, vanilla VHC, and ONE hot sauce packet-- which I had with the broccoli, to not be bad-mannered, and ALSO to further test whether or not I actually like it on food-- and the verdict remains a NOPE; it's just far too overpowering in both flavor and heat! I'm sure it goes well in certain combinations, but the broccoli by itself surely isn't one, and I apologize! Nevertheless, it WAS good in its own unique way, as all foods inevitably are, to be honest-- PLUS, concerning the way the color wheel works, reddish & greenish hues DO harmonize quite nicely, although quite contrastingly, too! But it's a science of beauty, and one I honestly want to study for the rest of my life.

3PM Snack= a mint chocolate NuGo bar, which I ate in SEVEN minutes while watching an awesome Scrabble game! I'm getting better at being lovingly, GLOBALLY mindful-- I can BE in my physical environment with joyful curious interest & attention, WHILE ALSO paying loving, grateful, wonder-full attention to the food!! ♥ It requires DEEP PEACE, but with God, I CAN do it! ♥

Dinner= a cheeseburger on a white bun WITH 2 tomato slices & 2 lettuce leaves, cut peaches in syrup, a slice of strawberry cream cake, a single ketchup packet, a single hot sauce packet, and cottage cheese! Plus vanilla soymilk and vanilla VHC! Well, since I'm still not back on SS, I got the bonus blessing of being able to once again love & cherish this dinner! And I'm glad I did-- because this one is really lovely. ♥ I started with the peaches as usual-- I've become very fond of them. Their softly firm-springy texture & subtle tart-bite to their rich lovely amber sweetness is truly enjoyable, as is that syrup they're in-- still tasting of those white grapes!-- and I ALSO tried them with a bit of cottage cheese again, but the cheese was saltier this week and honestly wasn't meshing. Fruit goes better with similar sweet tones, I think? It varies, really! But that particular tartness of peaches & plums & such does not really seem to work with salt. TOO much punch, I'd say. Nevertheless, that's A-Okay! ♥ They are intended to sing different songs, with the BEST of their individual unique ability. ♥ Such "limitations" are not curses, they are BLESSINGS-- they show us where God needs us most-- where we can use our own unique gifts & qualities to the BEST of our ability, for the GREATEST benefit of others! And so, from THAT True perspective, suddenly our "limitations" & "weaknesses" become means of grace, and cause to rejoice-- because they show us where we shouldn't waste our efforts. Does that make sense? If I've not been given the Gift of public speaking, so to speak, THEN I know NOT to "force myself" to try and do THAT instead of what i HAVE been blessed with-- like listening, or personally reassuring, or even silently inspiring others. And if I was spending all my time ignoring THOSE LEGIT Gifts, trying to be something I was not "meant to be," at least not at that time in my life... THAT is a crime against faith!! Oh, ALSO-- MOTIVATIONS are VITAL!! There is nothing wrong with TRYING new things, OR developing new gifts... as long as we are doing so out of JOY and LOVE and SERVICE TO GOD. For example, I would love to get better at public speaking, BUT!! I have to make sure that I want to improve that skill for VIRTUOUS reasons-- for the good of others, and the glory of God, testifying to His Goodness-- NOT out of pride or envy!! Because one CAN want to do something they currently cannot solely to impress people, or "look good," or something similarly perfectionistic and/or otherwise negatively motivated.

8PM Snack= triple mint chocolate NuGo bars! ♥ I tried breaking them into pieces today & eating them bite by bite, instead of biting into the bar, hoping it would be less messy-- amusingly, it's moreso! Chocolate gets ALL over your hands, AND the breaking-up DOES tend to fuel "compulsive" habits! Don't let that stuff put down roots, bucko!! Pick the simplest, best example of loving & prudent behavior and DO THAT! ♥