prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with forced bravery

Foggy misty morning run to church.
Lessening survival terror causing HARD DISSOCIATION instead??

Did 40m prayer before tabernacle
Beautiful. We need this.

Farmers market stop, bought (too many) carrots

Jade shower
Mom call
Sobbing from stress & guilt. Ashamed of complaining.
Hitting self to cope with unbearable Contrition
Child absolution instinct

Shirley & Sirius talking during cleanup
Their acting as intercessors is HARMING THEIR ACTUAL ARCHIVIST JOBS.
Also agree that EVERYONE POST-CNC has become WAY TOO SOCIAL. We should NOT be joking around this much. We never "turned off" that programming.

Reminder: prayers & fronting. FEELING people there. Moves our heart entirely.

Daily devotional "offer self with Jesus" on altar, healing as a result of unity with The One Who IS Health, as it were. Requires total surrender, humble & sincere. Simpleheartedness. Staggering what miracles a childlike faith actually achieved.
Mimic commenting on the power of "peasant faith"; deeply impressed him. Referenced VOM night that changed his perspective.

Bible study giving us SEVERAL HUGE INSIGHTS for the League, THANK YOU GOD!!!!
I feel ALIVE when I'm in tune with the League, TRULY ALIVE.
I need to just start reading all of the notes in bulk to remember everything. Memory has been so mangled and missing over the past several years. Plus whoever was fronting in 2016 and 2019 or so screwed everything up, Remember they were trying to make everything culturally or socially or popularly acceptable, and killed the truth. But everything that was in the very beginning when we were a child is completely true to this day. So review all of that and commit it to heart and go from there.

Got SO SICK from the farmers market carrots. Severe nausea, itchy skin, throat RAW from burning.
BUT THIS BIZARRELY TRIGGERED THE "CHALLENGE DEATH" COMPULSION???? Kept FORCING self to eat more because "they didn't kill me the first time when I thought they would; but I'm still scared of the ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES, so I MUST FORCE MORE EXPOSURE until 1) I DO die, 2) I am numb to the consequences, or 3) the pain stops." NO ALTERNATIVE OF SAYING "NO," YOU NOTICE!! IT'S EXPLICITLY SELFABUSIVE TRAUMA MIRRORING.
Stopped, tossed them all in a plastic bag, giving them to mom. No more of this.

No panic attack after dinner today. Thank God. BK was BAD. Staved it off with a rosary & cleaning house.
Remember the kitchen cello music, how it STILL "feels like home" somehow. Lynne holds that!! We NEED to explore it with her.
AMAZING Bible study today btw. We're learning SO MUCH. Prayers for understanding answered. Thanks Saint Chrysostom for your intercession I'm sure!
His feast day is TOMORROW so buckle up son, I pray we learn some deeply edifying spiritual truths as we continue our study of John

Night cleanup joking around
Genesis & fancyass coffee dates ("98.5% sugar, two coffee beans")
Jewel & Jay banter about ACORNS!
Broken glass breakfast cereal (phone trouble)

Also showing Laurie & Xenophon the demo heart glasses

(fusing these two entries as they are the same vital topic, written in the same thought process.)

✳ SO APPARENTLY MY MIND SEES "(deadname)" AS SEPARATE FROM "OLIVER"!!! That explains SO MUCH. it explains HOW we suppressed the "good memories," WHY we "haven't been able to forgive," AND WHY we used that deadname to begin with. We wanted so badly to be FRIENDS with Oliver, that we COULDN'T ACCEPT HIS "UNHEALTHY QUALITIES," and post-trauma our brain therefore just DROPPED his name altogether, to keep it & him SAFE, and used the name HE REJECTED to embody WHAT WE REJECTED, TOO. It was the only way to "make sense" of what happened, however feebly. It's ALSO, MOST NOTABLY & DISTURBINGLY, why we "CAN'T REMEMBER" how OLIVER looked-- because we have trauma memories of that face attached to an "abuser's" body. We ONLY EVER saw (deadname) naked. And we couldn't cope.
✳ Another realization. Although we were ALWAYS "obligated" to do what THEY wanted, what THEY considered "love," WE NEVER GOT TO EXPRESS OUR LOVE. TBAS focused on biting, lascivious "kisses," and rough sex. They would never "hug" us; their "embraces" were usually from behind, and were possessive-- a proclamation of ownership. I can't remember EVER embracing them normally. They NEVER expressed their "love" with ANY tenderness or delicacy, or even sincerity. The ONLY time we EVER felt loved AND BELIEVED that they felt it FOR us, was when they'd give us that "surprised & soft" look, usually after we had done something of our OWN volition for them. ...We always picked them flowers, every single time we went outside. We'd carry roses home in our teeth. We'd secretly buy their favorite foods, especially if they had offhandedly hinted at something. We made & packed their lunches for work. We baked them so many homemade desserts. We went WAY out of our way to prepare & serve them a REAL Thanksgiving dinner and a REAL wigilia for Christmas. We set up an Easter egg hunt for them. We bought them holiday decorations. We did their dishes & laundry & garbage. We SCRUBBED their kitchen clean. We decorated their home with our artwork. We gave them ALL of our long-treasured Pokémon collectibles for their birthday, which they said was LITERALLY "a dream come true"-- which was our greatest hope, because they HAD talked about such dreams extensively and OUR dream WAS to make it come true somehow. We bought them a Tamagotchi for their birthday, too. But... ALL of our love was obviously being directed into ACTS OF SERVICE, in MEETING THEIR BASIC NEEDS AND PERSONAL WANTS, despite-- and perhaps even because-- NONE OF OUR NEEDS WERE BEING MET. We became their absolute caretaker because WE WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF. In every crisis we would UNFAILINGLY comfort & counsel & reassure them-- when the power went out, when the fleas invaded, when the car broke down, when their haircut was ruined, when they had a meltdown at Walmart, when they were triggered by knocks on the door-- but they NEVER comforted us, with the SOLE notable exception at the park when Jessica fronted & KYO came out to reassure her that she "was a child of the universe" too. And we never forgot that. Still... we felt so unseen, somehow. Their comfort was sympathetic but not empathetic?? And... well, we never SHOWED our pain OR expressed our needs. All of that just imploded & exploded through the eating disorder, to the horribly ironic end that we'd destroy our own efforts of showing unrequited love to them. It was like... if that's the only "love" we can see, then... we couldn't help but desperately gorge ourselves on it. We were starving, inside. We would spend hours eating THEIR food to "be part of their life experience/ share their experiences," since we felt utterly estranged from them otherwise, AND-- as usual-- "trying EVERYTHING" when faced with several unknown options, because "we HAD TO KNOW" what they were like, so we could "understand" & not be "ignorant," which DISTURBED us so much and I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT BEHAVIOR BUT it MUST have powerful ties HERE, in the context of CNC, because THAT'S when it was the WORST. If I had to make a quick guess, I'd say that was "filling the void" of personal connection and actual relationship somehow, too. But it's too complex to treat so lightly, and it started WAY before then; it just hit its near-fatal high point in that apartment. Nevertheless, the bigger point is that we were MISERABLE. Notably we actually began to "WANT" their sexual advances because THAT was the ONLY TIME WE "FELT LOVED" BY THEM; it was attention, at least; they "wanted" us, but in the same way they wanted candy. We were enjoyable to devour.
...I wonder if THAT plays into the binges. If you'll let me switch topics briefly-- we were TERRIFIED of the binges, but still we felt COMPELLED TO BINGE, almost FORCED, no matter HOW much we cried bitterly & raged about it. WE WANTED TO STOP, but when we tried, the sudden ALONENESS of those isolated nights ALWAYS made us REALIZE JUST HOW MISERABLE WE ACTUALLY WERE, when we no longer had to hide or suppress or deny it in their company-- how LONELY & UNLOVED & HOLLOWED-OUT & TRAUMATIZED WE WERE. So we "HAD TO" numb it with food-- but weirdly, NOT with ENJOYABLE food??? Binges were TERRIFYING, full of pain & sugar & FORCED EXPOSURE. We were SO SCARED & SAD & SICK the WHOLE TIME. And of course, the obsessive-compulsive "must try everything" binges of GF "options" and restaurant choices & Latino baked goods. Honestly WHY COULDN'T WE "RELAX" if we "DIDN'T KNOW" what something was LIKE?? Why was that SO IMPORTANT??? OH GEEZ WAIT UP. THAT TIES INTO THE SXABUSE. We ALL remember BOTH the Julie days & the "FB phase," and how I would LITERALLY FORCE EXPOSURE to ALL kinds of abusive indecency, BECAUSE "I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY "NO" IF I DON'T "HAVE GOOD REASON TO"????? Does that have FOOD ROOTS in childhood?? Did the family tell me, "TRY IT; YOU'LL LIKE IT"?? and SHAME or PUNISH me if I REFUSED to eat what I was RANDOMLY GIVEN BECAUSE I "DIDN'T LIKE IT" OR "DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS"??? Was the ASSUMPTION that REFUSING WITHOUT "KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE REFUSING" WAS UNJUSTIFIED & UNACCEPTABLE??? Did I feel DOOMED TO EXPOSURE AND PERFORMANCE??? Like with that ONE GF BINGE where I bought the WHOLE DAMN SHELF, so that I COULD "KNOW" WHAT TO EXPECT? because I "HAD TO" eat GF foods?? SO I'D "BETTER KNOW/ PREPARE FOR" what I was "obligated to endure at some point in the future"??? "IF I SUFFER THE INITIAL EXPOSURE BY MYSELF, I'LL KNOW HOW TO ENDURE WHEN OTHERS INFLICT IT/ ORDAIN IT??? SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SMART?? AND I'LL KNOW I CAN SURVIVE???" But then I was NEVER SAFE OR AT PEACE. I was CONSTANTLY "bracing myself" for the "inevitable," AND "staging battles to prepare for WAR." With Julie & FB-- and the bizarre "internet imitating" phase it spearheaded-- I felt INESCAPABLY DOOMED to sexual trauma, "OBLIGATED" to endure it EVENTUALLY, to "DO WHAT WAS WANTED/ EXPECTED/ DEMANDED OF ME." So I FORCED myself TO "try" those things "BEFOREHAND," SO I COULD HAVE THAT INITIAL TRAUMA MELTDOWN, because with OTHERS I HAD TO PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING WAS FINE & GREAT & "PAINLESS." BUT I HAD TO PREEMPTIVELY BURN AWAY THOSE NERVES, so to speak. I had to be SO PREPARED for the trauma that it WOULDN'T KILL ME. or so I hoped. I think that's what I was doing.
✳ OH DUDE WAIT. IN NC WE KEPT TRYING SWEETS THAT WE "THOUGHT SOUNDED GOOD" OR THAT WE "SHOULD LIKE"??? And if we DIDN'T, we FELT GUILTY??? Like the FOOD felt unloved & rejected?? And we "HAD TO" LIKE EVERYTHING. THAT'S IT!!! WE "HAD TO LIKE ALL THE OPTIONS SO NONE OF THEM WOULD BE REJECTED OR UNLOVED OR FEARED OR IGNORED OR ABANDONED." And we could only do that BY REPEATEDLY FORCING OURSELVES TO EAT THEM "UNTIL" WE "LIKED THEM." ...but typically we DIDN'T. and that felt WRONG. "I SHOULD like this!" and so I'd KEEP FORCING. but it would NEVER WORK, UNTIL I "CHANGED MYSELF TO "LIKE IT"!!! ...emotionlessly. ISCAH STYLE. "I LIKE EVERYTHING" NUMB-FAWNING BEHAVIOR. Dislike was UNACCEPTABLE, so we just... kept trying. and failing. and forcing. etc. "FEAR IS NOT ALLOWED." "YOU MUST CHALLENGE YOURSELF." "YOU MUST RUN INTO DANGER & PROVE YOU CAN SURVIVE IT, BY YOUR OWN CHOICE, BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE FORCES YOU TO."

...So we never said "NO" to (deadname). We never said "NO" to Oliver, because he was our FRIEND, wasn't he? And WE were a friendly person, right? He SAID he loved us, and we love him too... right? He says THAT is love, so... we have to do that, right? Otherwise, WE don't love HIM; otherwise, we're NOT a true friend. Right?? We CAN'T say "no" to ANYTHING. We HAVE to be WILLING & ABLE to endure, WITH A SMILE, WHATEVER WE WERE OBLIGATED TO DO. And... "how can we refuse what we don't even know?" "How can we make the RIGHT decision if we don't have ALL THE DATA???" "If we choose ONE option out of TEN, we NEED TO KNOW WHY THE OTHER NINE WEREN'T CHOSEN." BUT "THAT'S REJECTION AND THAT'S NOT ALLOWED!! YOU CAN'T "PICK FAVORITES;" THAT'S CRUEL & UNFAIR." "EVERYTHING HAS TO BE "LIKED" SO YOU'RE NOT BEING MEAN & COLD & IGNORANT & CLOSED-OFF BY NOT DOING SO." etc. etc. etc. "Why did you choose vanilla over chocolate? I like chocolate! Don't you like me? Are you saying people who choose chocolate will be rejected by you, too??" "Are you being so arrogant & aloof?" "You've never even TRIED that food/ flavor before!! How can you KNOW you won't like it?? You MIGHT LIKE IT!" Were we SO DESPERATE for comfort & security that we were willing to take that risk??
✳ IF WE DISLIKE WHAT SOMEONE ELSE LIKES, WE ARE "THEREFORE" DISLIKING PART OF THEM"-- we are saying, by our distaste, that we find part of THEM distasteful. Our dislike is an OFFENSIVE ACTION, in this mindset. It's an ATTACK. And it makes us OPPONENTS?? But I WANT TO BE FRIENDS. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THEM. I WANT THEM TO FEEL SEEN & LOVED & KNOWN. I CAN'T do that if I REJECT & AVOID PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITY & EXPERIENCE!! I MUST be READY & ABLE to empathize with/ share the experiences of ANYONE.
✳ Case in point: we just did "meal session planning" & picked PANERA and two people ALREADY said their choices SO I'M ALREADY ANXIOUSLY FEELING COMPELLED TO PICK THOSE OPTIONS, "TO SHOW I SUPPORT/ APPROVE OF/ CARE FOR THEM."
✳ ALSO. "Once I DO try it, IT'S DONE. I don't EVER have to face that again; it's OVER." Except I wake up the next morning and it happens again. GEEZ, HOW MUCH OF THIS TIES INTO THAT?? Because, in SURVIVAL MODE like we were, ironically we STILL EXPECTED TO DIE. Honestly I think we even hoped for it. We saw no other way out of that doomed cycle.
✳ BTW REMEMBER "ESTAR SYNDROME"!!!
✳ Last note. ...We did love Oliver. I can't deny that. But we could never show it. The one time I remember we DID, in ALL sincerity, was when we spontaneously kissed their stomach, out of pure affection, and their expression just melted. It is the sole memory we have of their face. They said NO ONE had EVER loved THAT part of them before, let alone kissed it. But we did. And THAT is why we COULDN'T "end the relationship." Yes, ultimately our differences in religion & morals were irreconcilable, and my trauma made ME intolerable & toxic. I contritely admit that. (We were a nightmare to live with in that respect and we feel unbearably sorry that they had to deal with the fallout from our mangled coping methods & outright mental illness, no matter how much we tried to make reparation.) Still, their controlling & promiscuous "love" for me was toxic too, and in the end I HAD to choose EITHER them or my family. So I "ghosted" them. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to, it just... I had no other choice. I didn't WANT to "admit" I wanted OUT, that they HAD damaged me, because deep down I COULDN'T FORGET OR (FULLY) DENY THE LOVE I FELT FOR THEM NEVERTHELESS. But we were starving to death with them, emotionally. We WERE "bingeing & purging" their "love," I think. Geez. Wow. Still... (deadname) was what we called them in our memories of the sxabuse. It kept OLIVER "safe" from it, at least apparently. I don't know how we'll react if & when we drop that imposed distinction. But I can't write any more about it now. Just... remember that REAL love. FORGIVE YOURSELF, TOO.

THE "CHALLENGE" FORCING IS AN ADDICTION. I CAN'T STOP IT. It's LEGIT "CHASING A HIGH" FROM "FACING DANGER & SURVIVING." It's the SAME DAMN REASON WHY, with the binge/ purge cycles, we would FORCE OURSELF to eat "DANGEROUS" THINGS, INCLUDING OUR ALLERGIES, BECAUSE we could then we could then "throw it up" and say, "I CHEATED DEATH." And it's weirdly REBELLIOUS?? If someone TELLS us that something is a "safe option," OR implies that an action of ours is "too protective"-- even just our wearing a coat if it's "warm enough NOT to wear one"-- THAT MINDSET KICKS THE DOOR DOWN and screams, "MAN UP, YOU COWARD!!!" ...with MANY expletives added.
✳ I was talking to mom about this and IT'S A TRAUMA-PLACEHOLDER MECHANISM. We are SO USED to life being horrifying-- to the CONSTANT background scream of sexual abuse & an eating disorder & mental illness-- that when we are faced with ease & comfort, it feels WRONG. "Where's the risk? Where's the danger? Where's the challenge to conquer? Where's the battle to fight? Where's the dragon to slay?" And we LOOK FOR IT. Trauma had become our NORMAL, no matter how we hated it. It was still a FIGHT and damn it but we're FIGHTERS. Without struggle, we feel oddly incomplete. life feels off. we feel dishonest, even! But yeah, it IS STILL EXPLICITLY SELF-ABUSIVE, because it's the BULIMIA MINDSET FLIRTING WITH DEATH JUST SO WE CAN GET THE "HIGH" OF SURVIVING. of feeling "invincible." of feeling like we can WIN this battle, this war against what made us FEEL LIKE DYING. We face our fears with foolhardy brashness, daring ourself to "do it" to get it over with-- to face the threat of death and SURVIVE... and WIN. the OPPOSITE of trauma. every day for years. we're filling the void. this is so complicated, I apologize for the mess. I need to think it through more clearly before I keep writing. it's a desperate attempt to "prove we're strong," to prove we CAN suffer yet survive. but it ALWAYS SEEKS TO SUFFER. it defines a "CHALLENGE" as something DANGEROUS, RISKY, FRIGHTENING, AND/OR PAINFUL.
✳ "SAFETY IS COWARDLY"??? That seems to be a belief here. WHY. "Comfort is "EVIL"/ INDULGENT = SINFUL." Belief that UNLESS I'M SOMEHOW SUFFERING OR DEPRIVED OR STRUGGLING, I'm "doing something CONDEMNABLE." Ease is ALWAYS associated with SLOTH & IRRESPONSIBILITY & PRIDE??
✳ BEING "SAFE & COMFORTABLE" IN ABUSE SITUATIONS WOULD ONLY HAVE BEEN POSSIBLE BY OUTRIGHT REJECTING THE PEOPLE CAUSING THE TRAUMA, either by REFUSING THEIR CONTROL or by OUTRIGHT ESCAPING. The situation had to be STOPPED, or FLED FROM, and NEITHER WERE POSSIBLE; even worse, saying "NO" or "I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS" OR "I DON'T FEEL SAFE" would have been met with EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION; notably, "you're making me feel like an abuser!!" WELL YES THAT'S THE THING I WANT TO PREVENT! BUT then THEY'D "PLAY THE VICTIM" SO I'D BE THE PERSECUTOR AND THEN I'D IMMEDIATELY DEFAULT TO "RESCUER" AND END UP DOING WHAT THEY WANTED ANYWAY, TO MAKE THEM HAPPY, BECAUSE I LOVED THEM. but I'd never feel safe. and I learned to associate "softness" & "gentleness" with EXPLICIT TRAUMA. but yeah. so now I BEAT MYSELF UP for "being a coward" & "trying to feel safe & unthreatened" even a little because "YOU'RE HURTING SOMEONE WITH YOUR SELFISH STUBBORNNESS." instead, I "must face the challenge," which notably ALWAYS involves BEING SCARED, BECAUSE I'M AFRAID I'LL SUFFER DAMAGE. so the challenge is literally "grin and bear it." "PROVE you can FACE DEATH and SCRAPE THROUGH," EVEN if I DO GET HURT. I'm "still alive," and I didn't run away.

+ TRUST GOD MORE. STOP OBSESSING FOR HOURS OVER "WHAT THE BEST CHOICE IS." YOU CANNOT "PLAN FOR" UNPREDICTABLE & UNEXPECTED CHANGES!!! If you keep being so RIGID and obsessed with everything being "PREDICTABLE" & "JUST SO" & "PREPARED FOR" you will SNAP & BREAK when a sudden surprise or change or CRISIS hits-- and it WILL! YOU NEED TO BE OPEN TO CHANGE, ADAPTABLE TO UNPREDICTABILITY, & FLEXIBLE WITH LIMITATIONS!!! We were freaking out SINCE YESTERDAY as to "what CS would be WISEST for lunch?" and we were a nervous wreck over indecision & then GOD CHANGED THE MEALPLAN. So literally ALL OUR OBSESSING WAS IRRELEVANT TO THE ACTUAL CONTEXT WE ENDED UP FACING IN REALTIME. We were FORCED to choose "intuitively." WHICH, HONESTLY, WE HATE TO DO BECAUSE IT "REVEALS" OUR WEAKNESS. We TYPICALLY CHICKEN OUT under stress. And we did TODAY, too. We chose the "less scary" dressing & jello, and Sun Chips instead of ice cream.
✳ THE PROBLEM WITH "FORCING CHALLENGES" = IT OFTEN INVOLVES FORCING "RISKS" & "SUBTLE ABUSE" in order TO "struggle & suffer"!! With this meal, the red jello was "scary" because of the dye. We feared getting sick so we AVOIDED it-- which registers as "COWARDICE"; we "should have FACED THAT FEAR." Same with the dressing: we avoided the Italian because it was "too acidic" to have with jello & a shake; we feared the GI distress of sour + sugar. I'm worried that our tendency to, in that context, define "BRAVE" as "CHOOSING THE HIGHEST CHANCE OF SUFFERING", could become VERY TOXIC. Our "chickening out" is simply a "protection instinct." SHOULD that be challenged, BY DEFAULT? If not-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T be; fear IS able to be justified-- then we NEED to "refine/ revise" our DEFINITIONS of BOTH "courage" & "cowardice." But then would our "rigidity" of "the BEST option" IS COWARDICE?? Because it's NOT "BRAVE ENOUGH" to "RISK FAILURE"?? BUT THAT ISN'T BRAVERY; the "carelessness" of NOT striving ALWAYS for propriety IS A FAILURE. To NOT "fear" a failure to do right is CORRUPT!! Constantly "avoiding scary things" IS COWARDLY, FULL STOP. DON'T TRY TO "HAGGLE" AN EXCUSE FOR IT. NO. You DID chicken out and YOU KNOW IT. Now, you "LIKED" the french dressing AND orange jello, SO STAY FLEXIBLE & TRY DIFFERENT OPTIONS NEXT-- the ones that you "DON'T like"... yet! STAY OPEN & HOPEFUL & CURIOUS. STOP JUDGING & CONDEMNING. STOP BEING SO DAMN STUBBORN!!! "EXPAND" YOUR DAMN "COMFORT ZONE" BEFORE IT SUFFOCATES YOU. GET "COMFORTABLE" WITH "UNEXPECTED" THINGS. STOP RESISTING THINGS YOU "CAN'T CONTROL," YOU ASS!! YOU'RE TOO DAMN STIFF-NECKED. WHAT'S THE "WORST" THAT COULD HAPPEN? STOMACH DISCOMFORT? MAN THE F*CK UP ALREADY!!! IF YOU DON'T LEARN TO SUFFER WELL, THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO CARRY THE CROSS!

post-dinner//

NEW DINNER NEW DINNER!! No more veggie bowl-- now we got LEGIT CHICKEN & RICE & RAINBOW CARROTS!! I actually enjoyed EVERYTHING, even the rice! So that's another small "victory," thank you God!! Now I can practice ADDING rice into my meal planning!! Also. Here is a thing. For snack, FOUR PEOPLE with 3CS choices like us, picked options that added up to ~55g SUGAR. THEY DID NOT DIE. So BE COURAGEOUS, TOO!! Pick a sweet thing tomorrow, even just the ice cream sandwich. Sugar isn't evil. Your body DOES use it. And aren't you ALL ABOUT "BEING BRAVE"?? Or does snack "not count," because YOU'RE CHOOSING the item, NOT someone else?? Like you'll easily eat ~55g of sugar at a meal if they GIVE IT to you-- you'll even chug 30g in juice within 30 seconds! But CHOOSING a sweet CS for snack-- even just one-- INSTEAD of being "brave," registers as "FOOLISH"? IT'S BECAUSE IT'S 8PM YOU JERK. WE CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THAT SUGAR.
"Bravery" ISN'T "inflexible"!! Sometimes, it's braver to NOT do something
WISDOM IS WHAT WE NEED, NOT "FOOLHARDINESS"!
THERE'S NOTHING "BRAVE" ABOUT "SHOWING OFF" HOW HARD YOU CAN PUSH YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF ADMIRATION OR "PRIDE." THERE'S A PROPER TIME FOR SUGAR AND IT'S NOT AT SNACK. YOU'LL ONLY "SUCCEED" AT MAKING US ANTSY & NAUSEOUS.
COURAGE DOES NOT MEAN "INVALIDATING ALL FEAR"!
FEAR CAN BE JUSTIFIED IF OUR HEALTH & WELLBEING ARE AT RISK
AND IF PUSHING SUGAR HAS HISTORICALLY MADE US ILL & HINDERED SLEEP,
THAT FEAR IS PROTECTIVE, NOT ABSOLUTE.
YOU CAN, DO, AND WILL EAT THSE FOODS WITHOUT (AS MUCH?) FEAR DURING THE DAY, SO "AVOIDING" THEM AT NIGHT IS NOT "COWARDICE".
COURAGE IS WISE. FOOLISH FORCING IS NOT.
in any case, she was right; we SHOULD TRY one sweet CS tomorrow, and SPECIFICALLY GET THE DATA on HOW WE RESPOND PHYSIOLOGICALLY. The point is we ARE still scared of sugar-- less than before, but STILL. And that NEEDS to change for us to TRULY recover. treating ANY food as an "enemy" is unhealthy; it's a BAD SEED worst of all. it will only sprout into weeds of rigid paranoid avoidance, ALL of it fueled by judgment & condemnation & DISORDERED FEAR. remember "there is NO FEAR in LOVE." please remember. try to love more. even the sugar. even yourself, when you are scared, and make mistakes. recovery IS love. work towards THAT above all. it INCLUDES all the TRULY GOOD things we want so badly-- courage, wisdom, growth, safety, beauty, truth & mercy & hope & joy. sacrifice too. for real it's LOVE. that's GOTTA be our base. WORK ON IT!! ♥

pre-breakfast (night prior)//

+ miserable. freaking out to the point of almost puking, in frustrated frightened tears, because I cannot decide on breakfast options. Yes it's stupid. but it's true. there are SO many choices, too many combinations. i don't know which one is the RIGHT ONE. I can't do applejuice or cranapple because every else does and that's THEIRS. it would look like I wasn't trying. I can't do an apple because I had one yesterday, and I can't do an orange because I'll have on on Sunday and I CAN'T "double" days. BUT a banana would be the "easy choice," AND I CAN'T do a banana if I do OJ because it'll screw up my stomach. I can't do grape because "it's my favorite" & thus the easy option. So if I get OJ & an orange I CAN'T double that on Sunday... but it IS a possibility. Hm. Maybe. It'll force me to "break the pattern" which can get too rigid. BUT CEREAL! I need to "try" Rice Krispies, BUT I'm STILL SCARED of the Cheerios, AND I actually have NO DATA for the Chex... which I think is the ONLY ONE I CAN'T get a single-serving of at home to try. Krispies are "easier" because of HAVEN memories, but "scary" because rice. BUT SAME WITH CHEX, which I FORGET. But I can do those next week? Or is it "chickening out" to NOT do them now? But I'd be a COWARD for NOT retrying the Cheerios. BUT EVERYONE PICKS CHEERIOS. The Chex would be the "challenge" in that respect. You see why I'm miserable. Jesus help me please.

post-breakfast//

+ Today's topic: OBSESSIONS, COMPULSIONS, & BEHAVIORS. What are we struggling with? What are the "RULES?" What "MUST" be done? WHY? What is the PURPOSE, or INTENDED GOAL/ RESULT, of these O/C/Bs?? What DISTORTIONS are present? What EMOTIONS are we feeling AS A RESULT OF THESE THOUGHTS? Are their action urges JUSTIFIED? Why or why not?
= Cannot "repeat" food choices twice in a row; every day MUST be different from the previous, "or I'm being lazy/ stubborn"
= Must have "even distribution" of choices over week, to be "fair" & "to make sense"? Uneven numbers "wrong"
= Must ALWAYS choose the "MOST CHALLENGING/ DIFFICULT" option, "or I'm being a coward/ stubborn"
= Must "get taste data"/ be conscious of eating or it "doesn't count"; "have to do it over"
= Must eat foods in "proper combinations," or it is "disordered/ improper" and "careless"
= NOT ALLOWED to CHOOSE foods that I "like"; that's "self-indulgent"/ addictive/ lazy/ cowardly"
= MUST (PARADOXICALLY) "LIKE" EVERYTHING THAT OTHERS LIKE to avoid offense? + NOT like what THEY dislike?? "DEFINED BY ORDERS"
✳ "Enjoying things"/ "pl*sre" is WRONG/ BAD" → "Suffering is GOOD because it is NOT enjoyable and IS brave↓"
"I must always be brave/ strong" "I must always do the most difficult thing↓" "I must always push myself harder"
"I must be GOOD↓" → "Good is SELFLESS" → "My own feelings & preferences don't matter"
"I must be PURE/ PERFECT" → "Goodness is UNCONTAMINATED" "Goodness DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES/ BAD CHOICES"
"I must be OBEDIENT" → "to be GOOD" "unselfish" "self-sacrificial"
✳ "KNOWLEDGE" obsession? Fear of "not knowing." Mystery = FAILURE TO LEARN??? Compulsion TO "find out"?
✳ "Not allowed to like foods" PERPETUATES "fear food" phenomenon? RESISTS RECOVERY because then there's "NO CHALLENGES???" "Recovery = LIKING EVERYTHING BECAUSE I'M TOLD TO"??? UNTRUE!!! (SELF-DESTRUCTION; REPLACE SELF WITH "OTHER")
✳ Obsessing over 'CHOOSING" "one thing over another" = "ALL OR NOTHING." scared of "cruelty/ offense/ REJECTION," even with food (inanimate)
✳ Ultimate goals are ORDERLINESS, PROGRESS, BRAVERY, KNOWLEDGE, OBEDIENCE, DISCIPLINE, SPECIFICITY? PROPRIETY? "GOODNESS." Harmony/ elegance/ cooperation? "Aesthetic" agreement, as well as "choreography" OF choices?? INTENTIONALITY; making impulsive/ "indulgent" decisions is LAZY = BAD. Lazy is COWARDLY, no effort, no strength, no elegance. DIFFICULTY is valued to PROVE STRENGTH, and to PREVENT STAGNANCY? BUT "STRUCTURE" is often repeated? "Elegant;" effective distribution/ planning sticks. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Surprise changes (chosen by TEAM) ARE welcome, BUT MY OWN CHOICES MUST FIT SOME GREATER ORDER? They must be WISE, INFORMED, & CHALLENGING? But then I NEVER REST, AND I KEEP "MAKING NEW CHALLENGES TO FACE/ PROBLEMS TO SOLVE"!!! We did the SAME THING in 2017!!! The thought of "making an EASY/ COMFORTABLE" choice feels REPULSIVE? It would "seriously damage" my MORAL INTEGRITY?? Because "BEING GOOD = SUFFERING"???? "Liking" things is CONDEMNED; WHY?? Feels "OBTRUSIVE"? PREVENTS "CHALLENGE"??? ASSERTS "SELF"???

↑ EMOTIONAL RESPONSES/ ACTION URGES = JUSTIFICATION?
✳ SCARED of "choosing the wrong thing"? NOT the food itself-- ANY of them, IF "CORRECT," would be fine & non-threatening? But I'm "scared" of the "CHOOSING WRONG"?? When I obsess, I think "I HAVE to figure out the SMARTEST/ MOST CHALLENGING option"? I will make DATA SHEETS even!! Do I fear a threat to my "WELL-BEING"??? But fear FOCUSES ON ESCAPING DANGER. WHAT IS THE DANGER? Notably, "wrong" would be the EASY, COMMON, HABITUAL, OR "OUT OF PLACE" CHOICE? The GOAL IS HEALING = REQUIRES "ILLNESS"!!!!!
✳ ALSO tied to DISGUST: "wrong" choosing could SERIOUSLY DAMAGE my SENSE OF MORALITY/ INTEGRITY?? & ORDERLINESS? "THINGS WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG" = CONTAMINATION FEAR!! "Wrong" choices "DON'T WORK/ BELONG" TOGETHER??? "HAPHAZARD"; "uncontrolled/ wild"; "CANCEROUS"
✳ ALSO tied to ANGER: "Important goal" of GOODNESS/ ORDER/ INTEGRITY being BLOCKED by "cowardice/ laziness/ carelessness/ stubbornness"? THOSE qualities are "DISEASES"/ "SPIRITUALLY SICKENING" and MUST BE "HEALED" THROUGH EFFORT/ ACTION/ PRECISION, and the DISCIPLINE to FOLLOW THE RULES/ BE IN PROPER ORDER. No sloppiness or "carefree" behavior. ANGER fights ALL these "ugly tendencies" to OVERCOME those obstacles by FORCE and to STOP FURTHER THREATS. The problem is, ANGER SEES "SELF-INDULGENCE" as a threat and "SELF-DISCIPLINE" as the ideal, so it "DISCIPLINES" the "BAD CHILD" through VIOLENCE & VERBAL ABUSE, with the intended goal of "crushing" all inclination to be "soft & weak & sensual & sloppy & EVIL" -- qualities we ALSO associate with FATNESS. If "fat = evil" then "thin = good" AND "strong = good"? It's a mess. Being "big" FILLS US WITH "ARROGANT RAGE"??? Like the sheer SIZE of our body ELICITS POWER-ABUSIVE TENDENCIES??? WHY. Is it the desperate drive to DESTROY THE FAT=SLOVENLY RISK??? So much disgust. The "clean freak" obsession gets SO BAD. "MUST discipline/ control/ tame/ etc. this WILD/ ANIMALISTIC/ DISORDERED THING." Ironically, the eating disorder got WORSE through the hypercontrolling. ALL EXTREMES ARE UNHEALTHY!
✳ SADNESS: kicks in AFTER ANGER & self-destructive consequences; "things are not the way you hoped/ wanted/ expected" & "PERMANENT LOSS." "I did not behave the way I SHOULD" = "I HOPED I could be GOOD; I WANTED to be BRAVE; I EXPECTED to be SMART ENOUGH... but I WASN'T"??? LOSS = FAILURE TO BE GOOD/ PERFECT = ALL OR NOTHING: "THEN I'M BAD." Keeps cycling back to annihilatory RAGE, WHILE SOBBING typically.
✳ GUILT: "BEHAVIOR VIOLATES MORAL CODE." Obvious & self-explanatory. ALL my decisions are "MORALLY RIGHT OR WRONG", no matter how small.
✳ SHAME: "If my actions/ characteristics are REVEALED, I will be REJECTED BY THE "GOOD"/ BY "REAL CHRISTIANS"!!!" VERY powerful with "bad [food] choices" because those are ON THE TRAY FOR ALL TO SEE, & my choices are RECORDED BY TEAM. SO, if I "chicken out" and choose the EASY option, OR the SAME THING repeatedly, THAT COWARDLY LAZINESS WILL BE REVEALED AND I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO "SET A GOOD EXAMPLE" OR "BE A GOOD, OBEDIENT, BRAVE GIRL" ANYMORE-- the "secret sin" is APPARENT and I AM DOOMED. NO SECOND CHANCES!!!
YOU F*CKED UP AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK, THE "DEED IS DONE" YOU LOST YOUR CHANCE, ALL BECAUSE YOU WANTED THE "COMFY OPTION"!!!!

I chose whole milk instead of chocolate and I AM A F*CKING COWARD!!!
I didn't choose it because I'M TRYING to cut down on the sugar
NO EXCUSES YOU F*CKING LAZYASS COWARD
do I have to
I don't want it I dont like all the sugar
ANd, And mr. doctor SAID! dont obsess!
BUT But WE HAVe tO
CANT CHICKEN OUT DON'T BE SO F*CKING LAZY
DO THE HARD THING
STOP LOOKING FOR "EASY" WAYS OUT STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM SUFFERING!!!!

ISNT THIS SUFFERING ENOUGH

NO
THIS DOESN'T COUNT THIS IS DISCIPLINE FOR YOUR SELFINDULGENT ASS
LEARN TO DO THE RIGHT THING
STOP CHICKENING OUT!!!
MAN THE F*CK UP!!!!

(1) I didn't choose chocolate milk because I was scared of the sugar taste
(2) EVERYONE is choosing chocolate milk
(3) IT'S THEIRS, SAVE IT FOR THEM
(4) IT'S COMMON, SET A BRAVE EXAMPLE BY DOING DIFFERENT
(5) BUT IT'S A CHALLENGE FOR US
(6) IT'S MORE OF A "CHALLENGE" NOT TO CHOOSE IT, APPARENTLY
(7) F*CK YOU THAT'S A HOLLOW EXCUSE
YOU RAN AWAY. ON PURPOSE. YOU CHICKENED OUT

(8) what is the bravest choice, for real, what is "GOOD"
what is "effective"

(9) Our GOAL is to BE BRAVE.
The MOST "EFFECTIVE" THING would be to
- ADMIT we chickened out
- FIX THE DECISION
WHICH WE DID
I'M PROUD OF YOU
SEE I KNEW YOU WEREN'T REALLY A COWARD.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HURT ANYONE
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU STRONGER
BY FACING YOUR FEAR OF "SUGAR"
AND REALIZING IT CAN'T HURT YOU/ US
"REMEMBER WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID"
ALL THE CHOICES HAVE NUTRITION
EVEN THE SCARY ONES.

post-dinner/

We were too "proud." We drank it cold & couldn't taste it. The FAILURE distracted us for the whole meal. How ironic. "No right choice." BUT in MEMORY we have data, thanks to Jesus's mercy. We're sorry for our arrogance in "proving ourselves." Please, please forgive our foolish heart.
+ For the record. We DIDN'T "chicken out on Rice Krispies-- they were OUT! So we bravely retried the Chex, AND tasted it this time-- NOT soaking it, but NOT eating it by hand either. We used minimal milk & used a spoon, all proper. The taste, esp. unwet, DOES trigger "trauma echoes." It's humbling & horrifying to REALIZE & REMEMBER JUST HOW BAD THINGS WERE back then. But FEAR NOT!! God has brought us to recovery and we NEVER have to go through that hell again!! In time, we pray, those memories will fade, and the Chex will be "free" & "innocent" again, too. THAT'S WHAT WE WANT with ALL trauma/ fear foods! THAT'S why we're SO DETERMINED NOT to "chicken out"-- THAT PREVENTS HEALING, PERPETUATES FEAR, and KEEPS BOTH ME & THE FOOD STUCK IN A TRAUMA MINDSET!! WE WANT TO BE FREE, and FREEDOM ONLY COMES THROUGH LOVE!! THAT is how to forgive & move on-- you NEED that GRACE first!! So please, PLEASE, pray constantly & sincerely for it!! We CAN'T be "Good" on our own-- we CAN'T be TRULY BRAVE on our own either. WE NEED GOD. We need to do it WITH HIS POWER and FOR HIS FLORY, THROUGH HIS LOVE!!! And tragically we failed to do that tonight. We were SO carried away with self-hatred & PRIDE, wanting to be "brave" but FOR THE WRONG REASON-- almost to spite ourself, DEFINITELY with a smug "victory over stupidity" vibe, shame on us-- that we DIDN'T HONESTLY THINK OF GOD. He WASN'T our primary focus. We didn't choose the chocolate milk TO LET HIS MERCY WORK THROUGH US, but to chastise ourselves for "being weak." And GOD BRINGS DOWN THE PROUD!!! Which He SURE DID for our misguided ass, and THANK YOU GOD FOR DOING SO, because we NEEDED this lesson, DESPERATELY. We could NEVER hope to "make the good choice" WITHOUT YOU, the SOURCE & SUMMIT OF ALL GOOD!! On our own we WERE doomed to fail, no matter HOW hard we tried; our mind was ENTIRELY IN THE WRONG SPACE. I felt that last night, trying to figure out the juice datasheet. It felt so exasperating & distressing; I didn't even PRAY because I was so obsessed & MISERABLE. God I am so, so sorry. Please, CHANGE MY HEART!!! Help me TO pray, REALLY pray, WITHOUT abandoning recovery & "thinking I don't have to care about life anymore." Loving & worshipping You IS LIFE, and I want to do that WITH my life-- ALL OF IT!! I desperately, fervently want YOU to be PRESENT in ALL aspects of my daily life & work, NOT JUST IN RECITED PRAYER. We can't be TRUE friends if I only ever talk to You & spend time with You in "prepackaged" ways-- yes, those prayers are STILL Good & Beautiful, BUT I'M saying them in RITUAL OBLIGATION, something "to be done" by the schedule; I SHOULD be-- and I WANT to be-- inviting You to be with me in MY HUMANITY. Right now, You feel SO "unapproachable," SO "pure & Almighty," that I TREMBLE to talk to You, let alone EAT & COOK & WRITE & DREAM with You. And that's SO TRAGICALLY WRONG. Please, God-- LET ME KNOW YOU. Please, BE MY FRIEND. Hang out with me at breakfast. Share that PopTart. Guide me through lunch. Discuss DBT with me. Let's sit on the patio together. Let's listen to Lofi music together. Let's LIVE, in ALL the little moments, TOGETHER, and so CONSECRATE ALL OF MY LIFE to YOU, dearest Lord... no exceptions. SOLI DEO GLORIA.

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