prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 102222 (Reply)

+ TRUST GOD MORE. STOP OBSESSING FOR HOURS OVER "WHAT THE BEST CHOICE IS." YOU CANNOT "PLAN FOR" UNPREDICTABLE & UNEXPECTED CHANGES!!! If you keep being so RIGID and obsessed with everything being "PREDICTABLE" & "JUST SO" & "PREPARED FOR" you will SNAP & BREAK when a sudden surprise or change or CRISIS hits-- and it WILL! YOU NEED TO BE OPEN TO CHANGE, ADAPTABLE TO UNPREDICTABILITY, & FLEXIBLE WITH LIMITATIONS!!! We were freaking out SINCE YESTERDAY as to "what CS would be WISEST for lunch?" and we were a nervous wreck over indecision & then GOD CHANGED THE MEALPLAN. So literally ALL OUR OBSESSING WAS IRRELEVANT TO THE ACTUAL CONTEXT WE ENDED UP FACING IN REALTIME. We were FORCED to choose "intuitively." WHICH, HONESTLY, WE HATE TO DO BECAUSE IT "REVEALS" OUR WEAKNESS. We TYPICALLY CHICKEN OUT under stress. And we did TODAY, too. We chose the "less scary" dressing & jello, and Sun Chips instead of ice cream.
✳ THE PROBLEM WITH "FORCING CHALLENGES" = IT OFTEN INVOLVES FORCING "RISKS" & "SUBTLE ABUSE" in order TO "struggle & suffer"!! With this meal, the red jello was "scary" because of the dye. We feared getting sick so we AVOIDED it-- which registers as "COWARDICE"; we "should have FACED THAT FEAR." Same with the dressing: we avoided the Italian because it was "too acidic" to have with jello & a shake; we feared the GI distress of sour + sugar. I'm worried that our tendency to, in that context, define "BRAVE" as "CHOOSING THE HIGHEST CHANCE OF SUFFERING", could become VERY TOXIC. Our "chickening out" is simply a "protection instinct." SHOULD that be challenged, BY DEFAULT? If not-- and honestly it SHOULDN'T be; fear IS able to be justified-- then we NEED to "refine/ revise" our DEFINITIONS of BOTH "courage" & "cowardice." But then would our "rigidity" of "the BEST option" IS COWARDICE?? Because it's NOT "BRAVE ENOUGH" to "RISK FAILURE"?? BUT THAT ISN'T BRAVERY; the "carelessness" of NOT striving ALWAYS for propriety IS A FAILURE. To NOT "fear" a failure to do right is CORRUPT!! Constantly "avoiding scary things" IS COWARDLY, FULL STOP. DON'T TRY TO "HAGGLE" AN EXCUSE FOR IT. NO. You DID chicken out and YOU KNOW IT. Now, you "LIKED" the french dressing AND orange jello, SO STAY FLEXIBLE & TRY DIFFERENT OPTIONS NEXT-- the ones that you "DON'T like"... yet! STAY OPEN & HOPEFUL & CURIOUS. STOP JUDGING & CONDEMNING. STOP BEING SO DAMN STUBBORN!!! "EXPAND" YOUR DAMN "COMFORT ZONE" BEFORE IT SUFFOCATES YOU. GET "COMFORTABLE" WITH "UNEXPECTED" THINGS. STOP RESISTING THINGS YOU "CAN'T CONTROL," YOU ASS!! YOU'RE TOO DAMN STIFF-NECKED. WHAT'S THE "WORST" THAT COULD HAPPEN? STOMACH DISCOMFORT? MAN THE F*CK UP ALREADY!!! IF YOU DON'T LEARN TO SUFFER WELL, THEN YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO CARRY THE CROSS!

post-dinner//

NEW DINNER NEW DINNER!! No more veggie bowl-- now we got LEGIT CHICKEN & RICE & RAINBOW CARROTS!! I actually enjoyed EVERYTHING, even the rice! So that's another small "victory," thank you God!! Now I can practice ADDING rice into my meal planning!! Also. Here is a thing. For snack, FOUR PEOPLE with 3CS choices like us, picked options that added up to ~55g SUGAR. THEY DID NOT DIE. So BE COURAGEOUS, TOO!! Pick a sweet thing tomorrow, even just the ice cream sandwich. Sugar isn't evil. Your body DOES use it. And aren't you ALL ABOUT "BEING BRAVE"?? Or does snack "not count," because YOU'RE CHOOSING the item, NOT someone else?? Like you'll easily eat ~55g of sugar at a meal if they GIVE IT to you-- you'll even chug 30g in juice within 30 seconds! But CHOOSING a sweet CS for snack-- even just one-- INSTEAD of being "brave," registers as "FOOLISH"? IT'S BECAUSE IT'S 8PM YOU JERK. WE CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THAT SUGAR.
"Bravery" ISN'T "inflexible"!! Sometimes, it's braver to NOT do something
WISDOM IS WHAT WE NEED, NOT "FOOLHARDINESS"!
THERE'S NOTHING "BRAVE" ABOUT "SHOWING OFF" HOW HARD YOU CAN PUSH YOURSELF FOR THE SAKE OF ADMIRATION OR "PRIDE." THERE'S A PROPER TIME FOR SUGAR AND IT'S NOT AT SNACK. YOU'LL ONLY "SUCCEED" AT MAKING US ANTSY & NAUSEOUS.
COURAGE DOES NOT MEAN "INVALIDATING ALL FEAR"!
FEAR CAN BE JUSTIFIED IF OUR HEALTH & WELLBEING ARE AT RISK
AND IF PUSHING SUGAR HAS HISTORICALLY MADE US ILL & HINDERED SLEEP,
THAT FEAR IS PROTECTIVE, NOT ABSOLUTE.
YOU CAN, DO, AND WILL EAT THSE FOODS WITHOUT (AS MUCH?) FEAR DURING THE DAY, SO "AVOIDING" THEM AT NIGHT IS NOT "COWARDICE".
COURAGE IS WISE. FOOLISH FORCING IS NOT.
in any case, she was right; we SHOULD TRY one sweet CS tomorrow, and SPECIFICALLY GET THE DATA on HOW WE RESPOND PHYSIOLOGICALLY. The point is we ARE still scared of sugar-- less than before, but STILL. And that NEEDS to change for us to TRULY recover. treating ANY food as an "enemy" is unhealthy; it's a BAD SEED worst of all. it will only sprout into weeds of rigid paranoid avoidance, ALL of it fueled by judgment & condemnation & DISORDERED FEAR. remember "there is NO FEAR in LOVE." please remember. try to love more. even the sugar. even yourself, when you are scared, and make mistakes. recovery IS love. work towards THAT above all. it INCLUDES all the TRULY GOOD things we want so badly-- courage, wisdom, growth, safety, beauty, truth & mercy & hope & joy. sacrifice too. for real it's LOVE. that's GOTTA be our base. WORK ON IT!! ♥