UPMC journal 100622

[prismaticbleed]

pre-breakfast//

Today, for love of my family-- and especially my poor confused brother-- I am courageously choosing to have a MEGA CHALLENGE BREAKFAST: including green tea w/ honey, apple jelly, a banana, and... CHOCOLATE MILK. God, give me YOUR strength, through faithful trust in YOUR ability AND Will to (please) use this effort for the good of my soul AND those of my family!!



post-breakfast//

We have an UNEXPECTED PROBLEM. Literally EVERYTHING in the actual meal was GOOD-- yes, I EVEN ENJOYED the banana AND the milk (only the slightest "nausea/ nerves" response)!!-- BUT. I'm feeling a HATRED RESPONSE to the JELLY & HONEY??? And God knows I TRIED to like them... but I think the true problem is, I tried TOO hard to taste them. I ate half of them FROM the containers. So there's SHAME & GUILT over that, of course. BUT REALLY, I JUST DON'T WANT TO EAT JELLY OR HONEY. I like PLAIN & SAVORY foods-- sugary stuff, like those condiments are, only nauseate me. IS THAT BAD?? Is it considered "avoidant eating" if I honestly just don't enjoy them at ALL? Is that a SIN?? I honestly can't tell, and I think THAT'S why I'm miserable: I tasted AND ate them ALL, and they "WEREN'T BAD," BUT I'd still never choose them as a "like." They're just "not for me." AND SOMEHOW I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT. I "didn't ENJOY them enough" and now I "HATE" them for "PREVENTING ME FROM HEALING"???? I look at the honey & think, "I WANT to like it, but when I tasted it, it triggered MEMORIES OF ANXIETY & DREAD; furthermore the taste itself has NO POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS, so NOW I have to eat it AGAIN and pray for healing THEN-- but NOW, it just WRECKED this "healing meal" by introducing a NEW and EXHAUSTING, SCARY-SUGAR BURDEN, and I'm so tired of unexpected new terror foods. So I "HATE IT" for "hurting me" and "spitefully putting ANOTHER obstacle in my way of recovery." I tried to like it, but didn't, and deep down I feel broken & dirty & wrong now, DESPITE ACTUALLY making MOMENTOUS healing progress on the banana & milk. I feel FORCED to "LIKE EVERYTHING" and I just want the freedom TO "NOT LIKE" THINGS. I look at the jelly and I remember bingeing on it at home to GET RID OF IT because I "HATED" IT EVEN THEN. Except... I didn't?? I DON'T hate it. I just DON'T LIKE IT either. IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE??? I mean, yeah I DO "like" jelly AS A CONCEPT?? I LIKE cherries & grapes & apricots & apples & strawberries & oranges & peaches & blueberries/ raspberries/ blackberries & quince & ALL the fruits they make jelly & jam & marmalade from-- heck, I even like pineapple, deep down-- AND I like the texture it often has-- like a gel-- BUT!!!! I DON'T LIKE HOW HYPERSWEET IT IS. And I REALLY DON'T LIKE that you HAVE to "put it ON things," thus FORCING THEM TO BE SUGAR-SMOTHERED, & RUINING their essential taste/ texture! BUT WHY DO I FEEL OBLIGATED/ COMPELLED TO "taste" jellies IN THE FIRST PLACE??? Is it just because they LOOK lovely, all shiny clear & colorful in those glass jars, and thus I feel that they MUST TASTE AS NICE, but they DON'T, and the dissonance is IRRECONCILABLE so I now "MUST FORCE HARMONY" by "MAKING MYSELF ENJOY THEM"??? Otherwise, I'M A HYPOCRITE, and "don't REALLY like how they LOOK, then"??? And therefore I "CANNOT" like colorful, shiny, clear pretty glass things EITHER, "BECAUSE they look LIKE jelly, BUT YOU DON'T LIKE JELLY, SO MAKE UP YOUR TWO-FACED MIND!!!" IT'S TOTAL HELL. It TORMENTS me. AND it is OBVIOUS TRAUMA TALK!!!! In the end, I AM "NOT ALLOWED TO REFUSE THINGS OR SET BOUNDARIES!!!" It's EXACTLY what the last page in the previous journal was saying about Iscah & "Jessica"-- BOTH of them FORCE jelly consumption, compulsively trying ALL kinds "UNTIL THEY LIKE THEM," SO THEY CAN PLEASE/ NOT OFFEND/ UNDERSTAND/ "BECOME" EVERYBODY... except themselves.
+ All right, I NEED to forgive ALL parties & return to a PEACEFUL, COMPASSIONATE, MERCIFUL/ ACCEPTING state of heart. I need to LET GO of this resentment, ALLOW myself to NOT force jelly, and NOT HATE IT because it feels OBLIGATORY & UNLOVING. I'm tired of feeling bitter & miserable. Jesus, please help me. Only You can soothe my disturbed heart & mind; ONLY You can give TRUE Peace; ONLY YOU can TRULY show me & teach me the RIGHT thing to do here, the thing that will HONOR & PLEASE GOD, NOT SOME ARBITRARY CONDEMNATORY AUDIENCE/ ABUSER. ...Honestly? Weirdly, I'm SCARED to accept it as true, but my IMMEDIATE impression is that, NO, eating the jelly WILL NOT HONOR GOD, because I'm doing it FROM compulsive forcing fear, NOT for nutrition, EVEN THOUGH I'm "trying to like it FOR Mom & Jade & Grandma." Then I hear: "You DON'T have to "prove your love for them" by eating jelly!" "It has NOTHING to do with your sincerity of love BECAUSE it DOES NOT/ CANNOT DO ANYTHING for the GOOD OF THEIR SOUL"??? It's FEAR-BASED: "if THEY like it, then I MUST like it IF I TRULY like them!!" Hypocrisy terror. BUT!!! "THEY ARE NOT FOOD!!! The TRUE essence of who they are HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHETHER OR NOT THEY "LIKE JELLY" IN THIS LIFE!!!" So in the BIG picture, it shouldn't/ doesn't matter? BUT MY MOTIVES DO, don't they??? If I'm ONLY eating it TO love them more by "entering into THEIR unique personality/ life experience" in a small way, then wouldn't REFUSING to try & LEARN to like it be MORAL COWARDICE/ COLDHEARTEDNESS??? And DO I LIKE IT, TRUTHFULLY, ALREADY?? I can't tell. God I CAN'T TELL, because I DON'T KNOW WHAT "LIKES" ARE "MINE" AND WHICH ARE JUST "OBLIGATORY/ ABSORBED" BECAUSE "I MUST LIKE EVERYTHING, EVER." I don't know what's REALLY "me" and what's just FORCED/ IMITATIVE.
✳ EATING SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABOUT PERSONAL OPINION-- THAT'S DISORDERED BEHAVIOR TOO!! "It's NOT about "what you WANT-- it's about what you NEED TO DO!!... You HAVE to just ADJUST." (Thanks Hannah!!)
+ A further observation... "if your right hand causes you to sin, CUT IT OFF." Right now, eating the honey & jelly WITH this "resistant/ resentful" mindset, FORCING it for "likes/ imitation" and NOT for nutrition, IS SINFUL!!! FURTHERMORE, here I am, "trying to please my mom/ forgive my sibling" THROUGH eating the jelly & honey-- which makes NO LOGICAL OR MORAL SENSE-- BUT I'm doing so in a WAY that is OFFENSIVE & DISOBEDIENT & DISORDERED!!! Eating it right out of packets & jars, licking knives & fingers, putting it on improper foods, etc. NOT ONLY DISREGARDS & BREAKS UNIT RULES, it is ALSO DISHONORABLE & EMBARRASSING TO MY FAMILY!!! So, UNLESS I can eat those foods PROPERLY, MODESTLY, PRUDENTLY, WILLINGLY, OBEDIENTLY, and WITHOUT COMPULSION OR PANICKED "MUSTS," I SHOULD NOT BE EATING IT AT ALL. Doing so in THAT horrendous mindset, FORCING it, CAN ONLY PERPETUATE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS/ ASSOCIATIONS AND REINFORCE THE RESULTING DISORDERED BEHAVIOR!!! Really, it's SELF-ABUSIVE. If I CANNOT choose to eat them FREELY; if I DON'T understand WHY I'm choosing them; if the choice, once made, STILL feels "WRONG"/ unhealthy/ improper EVEN if I'm trying to "MAKE" it right... then STOP!!! DON'T HURT YOUR BODY OR SOUL!!! Decisions MUST be made IN A PROPER MANNER, or they're not TRUE "decisions"-- they're ADDICTIONS & COMPULSIONS.