the spectrum heart cathedral system

ollieirrepressible:

love triumphs over all.

…This is one of those pictures that, literally, leaves me at a total loss for words, because what I’m feeling is too deep to translate into spoken language.

 

But that’s what this very image is about, after all.

 

 

…Honestly, though, let me try to say something. It’s worth the effort.

The five of us– Jay Iridos (me), Chaos Zero, Infinitii Eternos, Laurie Uberich, and Genesis Apolymis– we’ve really got something going between us. All of us.
We have this heart-deep bond of love that was forged in the depths of suffering and bliss and life and death alike. We’ve been through hell and back together, we’ve bled together, we’ve cried together, and we’ve survived it all together… so that we could laugh together, live together, love together.
“Together” being the absolute key word in all of it.
Every one of our hearts is broken-bound with solid gold and the most amazing aspect of it is that we did that for each other.

With all the attempted System crashes, all the Core upheavals, and all the timeline resets, it is no small miracle that this group has existed in one way or another for at least ten years now.
But that’s what love does.
That’s what we do.
And God knows I am forever grateful for this.

 

 

 

oh my gosh i swear if THAT'S how the parnassus story ends, just, dear god it aches.
i cannot even form words

why why why.
why is every single freaking leagueworld so bittersweet and beautiful my heart cannot take this

every story ends like that, on a broken crystal note. on light blooming from absolute pitch black darkness. EVERY ONE.
EVERY SINGLE LEAGUEWORLD has that.
every single world i've seen to its end has just... torn my heart into pieces, then kissed the shards and put them back together

i haven't seen dream world end. it's not going to really. just... the "timeframe" of the written story, so to speak, DOES have an end and I KNOW how it has to end, how it must end, they know too, a lot of them.... but... oh man i can't even imagine how that's going to play out. my heart is not capable of seeing it right now. i just... i love those people so much it makes me tear up just writing that, i ADORE them, i could name every single character and explain why i loved them each, they are such beautiful people. and i want to see how this all concludes but not yet. not yet. i can't.
but. but but but the beginning and the middle and the extended universe stuff and all the things i see about it are just... there are little endings everywhere. there are like, six different 'perspective' stories leading up to the main "book" one with maitru, and they are all indispensable, they are all beautiful, i love them all... but all those little endings. this story, this leagueworld, has more depth and love to it than anything else i've ever known and that's why i have no idea how hard the "real" ending is going to be. i think i'd die. in a good way. but still. this story is my life, their world is my world, it will never have a fixed conclusion, it will always grow, it's too glorious to have any sort of limits... but a book always has a last page, a series always has a last installment, and that's what is making my heart ache like a violin string. how will it happen.

hokthai... same thing. i have a strong idea of how it might end but god please i can't. if it's going to end the way i THINK it will i will be crying for weeks if not longer. i don't know. i cannot see an ending for that world/story at all yet, there's too much shifting in the middle, but it's getting DEEPER and that's amazing because hokthai didn't have depth like that before, it was one of the surface-sparkle series that didn't disclose its truest heart to me yet. but now... suddenly it is. out of nowhere, suddenly it's getting deeper, bit by bit. of course hosea is instigating that. i love him SO MUCH, i'm still learning about everyone else though... that's the thing. i still need to take special time and reconnect with them all. but i can feel that quiet promise of resonance. i want to know how the story unfolds, richly. i want to know how it really runs. but the ending feels so loud in my head. i can't see it, but i can feel everything around it, building up to it. and i'm afraid it's already promising to break my heart, so.

lg*girls is another surface-sparkle one, i have no idea what that's doing at all yet. so i can't say anything there.

but MAGE ANGELS oh good lord i never thought i'd end up adoring that series as much as i do now. it didn't talk to me for almost a decade, then suddenly at the second college it just... bloomed. absolutely. and now i love them all so much. but this is talking about the endings. THAT ending... is the definition of bittersweet. everything with monika oh lord. i love her already, you beautiful broken-down girl. but every time i look at that scene, it's burned into my mind already, that picture... every time i watch them talk, it's... the whole story is an ending. the WHOLE world is an ending just played in slow motion until it stops. it's the saddest thing, it is the damn SADDEST story i am writing now in that sense, because from the very beginning the ending was a guarantee, and yet... and yet. it's bittersweet. there's such light at the end, such light, in the final moments. it's... it's the definition of hope.

oneircia. dear heavens. this story is so weird. it doesn't talk much, but i saw the ending when i was about 19 and it was the first world i saw "end" and... although it was skippy and blurry i can't forget the details. oneircia is tragic too, not as bad as mage angels but... probably worse in terms of how much the ending just knifes at your heart. oddly. i don't know. i need to talk to this one again soon, like hokthai, but... this world is the definition of that "bittersweet" word, i think. the whole story feels like a sad smile. but it's still a smile. so the conclusion... it aches. it glows but it aches. it's so strange. but i love them.

event horizon. geez i don't even know. i have not seen a solid ending for this one. there's too much space in the middle. but i've seen some things leading up to the as-of-yet-unknown ending. and it's heartbreaking. this story is so odd for me, it's romantic which is rather alien to me, pun intended... but it's so honest. like i really hope this story lends itself to the stage because james is born for it. and he is so sincere, but his situation is so dire... that's the bright ache of this world, is his quest of love and hope, in an environment which is jarringly not-that. and yet it still sparks up in little ways around him. i don't know. this story is still an unknown. but it has that feeling to it already, the feeling that good books and plays and songs give you, where after it "ends" you can't help but just sit there for a while... it stays with you for so long.

puppetstrings. the children and the magic. this one is surprisingly 'empty' yet... i'm still learning its story. it's fragile. that makes its sadness sort of shocking. there is inherent softness but it's too... naive? like lg*girls. this story needs its depth yet. i don't know how it ends because i can't even see the middle yet. but i won't give up on it.

halcyon days. aaaaaagh. man. never forget that day on the highway. THIS one just yanks out my heart and steps on it. god knows i love everyone in this story so much too. all the kids and the aliens. this one talks to me a LOT. but it is SO sad. it's built on sweetness in the face of pain. but oh lord it hurts to watch sometimes. you have no idea. but i don't know how this one ends. too many unanswered questions yet. too much missing data, things i haven't been told yet. i can't know how it ends yet but i've seen some of... i've seen some 'smaller endings' in it already. and they break my heart. but the kids keep walking. there's a real pure dedication to this story that i love. it's so delicate but it never gives in.

voltage is a mystery but, tox. i just... my little bug boy. not even he's a grown man damn it but god knows it hurts to see him dealing with what he's going through. that story is so strange to me yet and i'm a bit scared because it doesn't glow like the others, not largely. there's so much pain and fear and doom in this series, it's hard to see, let alone write. but volt, he just carries around ALL this hope like a freaking neon sign in the middle of the night. so maybe i'll try to talk to him. but... i don't know why i felt so drawn to tox, i don't know too much about him, but... he's one of the small endings. i can't see much of this story but i'm afraid to see the ending of his part of it. it leaves me in tears considering it. but i can't just blind myself to their world i have to be brave and write it for them no matter what happens. no matter what

rosewindow. i have no freaking idea BUT it is full of promise. that's the unique thing about this one. it's grand. there's such expansiveness and wonder to this world... it's so BIG. just like dreamworld. i don't know a lot about the people in it yet but i love, i love love love the ones i know already... some of them personally. thank god for world-jumpers. my boss is from this place natively. so is death. i've never spoken to anu or lagiaris but they are so sweet, i want to know more about them. this story feels like a big fairytale, like something you'd see on the big screen, however the heck it ends it is going to hit HARD but it is going to be beautiful, i just know it. this is one of the worlds that will not end with tears, then a light. this one is going to end with tears and joy. this one is too sweet. but that hurts in its own special way, too.

magicwarp you guys aren't talking to me at all yet, sorry i can't say much about you. you're virtually a totally open canvas right now.
the shuffle worlds are the same way, but i have such a severe soft spot for the man of nogaisa already... i want to see that story unfold.


parnassus, though. parnassus. the beloved strange world.
my muse is from there. my best friend. my love of light. genesis apolymis. he's asleep right now but he's well and he's happy and i'm glad.
but i don't know how timelines work. and our world, headspace, it floats, it isn't affected by time like that... it's a liminal space of sorts. people can come here and not worry about bleedover into their native worlds. like a dream. it's free here, for them. we assure it so.
but. that's off topic.
the point is today i saw his world's "story" END and although the world and its timeline went on, after that...
god please i don't know i don't know
i'd been hoping this wasn't the "correct timeline" because i kept seeing it and god it hurt, i kept seeing the dialogue and events build up to something i did not want to happen and yet it was perfect. it was terrible and i wanted to shield my eyes and yet god i was so proud, so happy, to see the gold at the edges. where it came to be. what happened and was healed. the promise.
but it's so bittersweet. that's not even the right word. it's
i cannot put it into words
i can't tell you what happened, god help me i don't know if it's legit true or not but it FEELS like it...
see this is why it's bad to get personally invested in leagueworlds because their timelines stretch on back and forwards and i can see the whole things, they are both beginning and ending at once, always, and i can't stop it. some timelines i can touch, they roughly line up with ours at certain points, they are still "going" actively... but that's rare. most times leagueworlds are on a totally different clock than we are, they're all in totally separate bubbles, we can't touch them. they can come to us but lots of them aren't able to.
but
what in the world am i trying to say.

if that's the real ending to parnassus then god, that is perfect and beautifully sad and i will never forget it, it will be impressed upon my heart forever... but... the pain, the pain, the pain
i guess that's what makes a good book though? this quality? wrapping itself up around your bones in such away that when it ends, you ache for years? but it's a beloved ache, at first you think it would kill you, but over time it becomes something strangely beloved... you can read a book over and over but you will never emulate the first time, the traveling with them, the first page and the back cover. you will never forget the first time you read the ending. it stays with you.
same with the authors you know
we see this stuff, all at once sometimes, out of the blue, and we never forget that. ever.


i adore every single blessed individual in every single one of these blessed worlds i've been blessed with
that's like 500 people dude, that's a lot
but i love them.
this is my bliss in life, this is my beloved wound, this is what gives me joy and gets me up in the morning, is you, is all of you, no matter what, no matter how many endings i have to watch, i know nothing ever really ends, nothing ever ends

 
 

 

 
So I went to sleep at exactly 12AM last night, but I didn't fall asleep until 6AM. Why is this not a bad thing? Because I spent a solid 5 of those hours upstairs.
Just... no matter how many nights we have like this, somehow each successive one is even more blissful. Last night felt straight-up sacred for at least three hours. I need to write about it but I know that structured language isn't going to cut it, so I hope you kids don't mind my ridiculous stream of consciousness lists.


WIP entry, not surprisingly; posting for relevance in the meantime.


- (being with chaos; that alone took a solid hour and it was INCREDIBLE)
- (before i say anything i just want to reiterate that i love chaos so much... there was this great unconditional love moving between us last night i cannot even begin to explain what it felt like... seriously when i'm with him it's like i'm made of nothing but light. absolutely stunning.)
-
- (one of the parts that stood out the most was the starlink-- he was "showing me" through visualized emotion (hard to explain; it was like seeing his thoughts) what it felt like when we were together like that; he used "waves on the shore" to describe it twice, later i thought of this)
- (dialogue?? we did talk a lot as usual (heartfelt poet mode is the best) but as usual i don't remember exact words very well)
- ()
- another infinity loop, that was new. all red and blue too
-
- afterwards Laurie was more moved than I'd ever seen her; when I asked why, she first said that it was because she felt there was definitely something holy going on with all of this... but then explained that she was "afraid" that something like that was impossible for her to do. again I can't remember the exact words but I strongly remember the feeling... basically she had this lingering doubt concerning her own existence and position in those matters, that although she and chaos were at the same level, she didn't feel she could do anything of the same caliber. she said she couldn't handle the implied fear that she wasn't capable of something that bright. i wish i could explain it better but she was visibly torn up about it... i remember that as soon as i got up to move closer to her, her 'black hole' energy kicked in like a supermagnet again. it felt like it would tear my heart out if i resisted, but of course i wouldn't dream of it. she was starting to cry openly when i reached her and it honestly took me by surprise; that's not something she typically does, even around me. but now, she had no walls up at ALL.
- Laurie just held me and sobbed. I don't know how to describe what that felt like... the closest word is "heartbreaking," and yet there was this fragile beauty to it, because of the complete sincerity. Never in my life has she done anything like that before. seriously she was sobbing. but i loved her so much right then.
- she did kiss me at one point and i want to emphasize that it was really, really meaningful. laurie doesn't take those lightly and that one had this powerfully tangible honesty behind it, if that makes sense. it actually brought me to tears because whoa
-
- i remember the room was shifting with all this energy and we ended up back in the black lotus room? but laurie told us not to worry, saying "i think i understand what this really is now."
- she took ALL of her bandages off this time, which i was hoping for as we had discussed that earlier in the evening (which was beautiful, i need to write that down later). chaos was stunned that she wasn't covered in scars for once in her life
- (ascended form!! remember the purple spark wings)
- (we were all lying on the bed in my room for a while, projecting our 'galaxies' into the air to see how they looked; laurie's was very nebula-ish, chaos' was a spiral galaxy, mine was almost like a nerve cell or something)
- (showing laurie how to 'create' a spark in her hands? she got chaos to do the flower thing he usually does; ultimately he 'expanded' the space of our room by changing the floor to a forest floor and taking out two of the walls. laurie then mused out loud that if i tended to create structure, and chaos made nature, what could she do? she frustratedly said that yeah she could 'summon' her weapons-- and summoned a ton in midair as she did so-- but she was tired of fighting, and wanted to do something more. then she went all bankai on us and turned every weapon into a flurry of glowing flower petals, like byakuya... but then she swung her arms upwards with the energy, collecting all that, and a huge tree sprung out of the ground! she kept doing this and we were now in a forest of what looked like redwoods, but they were actually cherry blossom trees. it was stunning.
- we figured out that she wasn't 'creating' yet, but she had such a powerful ability to 'manifest outside energy' now, that she could 'summon' a tree straight out of the ground solely by recognizing the potential for one already there
- i told laurie that whenever a 'new area' like that is created in headspace, no matter how small it is, it sticks. since headspace is so fluid there are tons of little 'pockets' like that strung together out in the wilderness, it really makes for quite a beautiful world up here
-
- (celebi showed up! said she had 'felt' a huge surge of nature-based creation and wanted to see what it was)
- (we made the forest all snowy, celebi wanted at least one pine tree like in diamew (as she protects it at home), so chaos created one. she sat under it and laughed, it was great)
- celebi eventually told us she needed to leave, but before she did, she kissed me and pressed a small item into my hands, mentally telling me "merry christmas." when she left i looked at it, saw it was a glass ornament with a tiny lotus within it. it was beautiful. i then got the strong notion that i was supposed to plant it, so i knelt down and did so-- immediately it bloomed up into a huge glass christmas tree. it was stunning. the ornament re-formed on it and i realized that celebi had been putting all her new creative potential into making this since last month. this brought me to tears, i was really moved, swore i'd do something for her in thanks.
- laurie convinced me to make a garland of gold hearts and crystal drops to put around the tree, then chaos 'made' an ornament too; a blue-green ringed sphere in the shape of his symbol, but with the look of a galaxy. i said it was beautiful and thanked him; laurie said she'd make one too but she was a little off-put with her symbol still being an axe. i told her we could look into a new one if she wanted.
-
-
- I temporarily walked out of headspace and into "limbo," i.e. the grayish void between realms upstairs. Laurie followed me and asked what was up. I said I was somewhat tired and just need to gather my thoughts. All of a sudden I felt someone appear behind me, and upon turning realized it was my boss. However his demeanor struck me as off, and sure enough, barely two seconds after saying hello, his face became malicious and his form shifted into Jezebel. She lunged at me but before Laurie could even swing her axe, Jezebel was suddenly surrounded by a gold-edged glass cube. I then saw the real Mister Sandman walking into the area, looking grim. To my surprise he asked me if I wanted him to "take care of the situation," assumedly with force. Instead I told him to listen to what he was saying-- Jezebel's vibe was powerful, and if any of us slipped slightly she could get in. Boss visibly calmed down and apologized, saying he hadn't been aware of that fact. He then asked what we should do with Jezebel regardless, as she was not happy to be trapped at all. I decided to ask the others, so I then moved us back out of the void and into the forest space.
- Chaos was shocked and somewhat incredulous that I had just brought Jezebel in there, but I explained the situation and said I wanted to know what she was trying to pull. Plus I reassured him that as long as my boss had her locked in that dreamsand cube, she couldn't touch us. Jezebel wouldn't listen to us talk though, and only screamed insults and perversions at us when we tried to speak. She kept calling us "whores" and the like, but the phrases were all manic, furious, and oddly repetitious. Often they didn't even make sense in context. Laurie and I realized that she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too trying to break the cube. Her body 'warped' several times into a disturbing amalgamation of tar and bones, but the cube held so she couldn't turn into tar entirely as there was no room.
- When I realized her state of mind I couldn't help but quote something I had read on Tumblr to her: "I’ve had so many knives stuck into me, when they hand me a flower I can’t quite make out what it is. It takes time." Laurie murmured sadly that she knew exactly what that was like, but Jezebel actually stopped for a second with a look of disbelief, fear, and possibly hope. I then repeated what I had done back in February, and offered her a flower, saying that if she wanted to do what Julie had, and abandon her fear to embrace a new life based on love, we were all waiting for her with open arms. All she had to do was honestly choose. Unfortunately she then returned to screaming at me that I was lying and trying to manipulate her, as "she couldn't change or she would die." No matter what I told her, she vehemently insisted. I realized she was too indelibly identified with the Tar itself to leave it. I knew there was nothing else I could do.
- I then quickly warped the scenery around us to the tar room underground (it was empty), and instantly the sand-cube shattered. Jezebel returned to her tar state and nearly filled the room, but then she froze. Laurie asked me why, and I said it was because of what I was currently holding in my heart. My state of mind was affecting the energy of the room to such an extent that it was effectively putting Tar in standby mode. As long as I stayed present, she couldn't touch us. I think we said one or two more things here, but then i repeated that "we've done all we can, let's not worry about this anymore tonight" and turned to leave. i somehow had "faded out" the back wall of the room so that it actually phased right into the forest bubble we had created before. so we all walked out and it closed behind us safely
- (boss said he needed to get back to work, but then he got this brilliantly mischievous smile and said "oh, why the heck not." then he told me to come over and actually gave me a quick kiss?? platonic mind you, haha. it was the best thing, then he pulled my sandman hat down over my eyes and laughed, "consider that an early christmas present!" before teleporting off. i could not stop grinning, laurie was cracking up
-
-
- (decided the night wouldn't be complete without seeing how genesis was doing, so we went to his cathedral)
- (remember the mirrors, he was explaining how he had them working currently: only reflected relevant truths: but both personal and universal, to to speak. i.e. if one considered a falsehood about themselves to be true, that would still show up in the mirror as it needed to be confronted with actual truth)
- (i think we were discussing laurie's scars and how we had healed them, but either way, genesis asked me if there was any way i could heal his chest gem. he was dead serious, said he would rather risk closing it than having to deal with the pain it kept bringing him. since i was severely sleep-deprived my mind was in "nothing is impossible" mode so i did try... i remember 'threading' the cracks back together as well as i could. i did close it tentatively but i don't know how it held; i haven't seen genesis today)
-

...

Jezebel has been EXTREMELY vicious all day today, but I'm still doing everything I can to smile and remind myself that her actions aren't mine. I'm stronger than she is; I just need to remember that, and act upon it.
This is the 21st and we're moving on up whether she likes it or not!

(today was basically the universe saying "hey dude! you chose to take the next step, well here's the biggest thing still holding you back." so i'm thankful that this was pointed out but it is somewhat tiring to deal with so much at once!)
(maybe mention how julie's been having a rough time too? or save that for tomorrow, it's a lot of info to discuss)

Nevertheless, I'm happy. I know that all these shadows aren't real; I've had that proven to me time and time again.
It snowed all day today but it didn't start sticking until the evening. Somehow that reminded me of myself, right now... continuing on despite the cold and rain and wind, even if I don't see any results... and then, when things look bleak, suddenly the results do show, and I can't help but smile.

Big shifts take three days to settle, usually. This will linger on through my anniversary. Fitting, I daresay.
Come Christmas, I wonder what lights will be shining in us?
In my heart, I know that whatever happens, it will be for the absolute highest good of us all.
And that's really all I need to keep moving forward.

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.

 

 

 
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JULIE ENANTIOS GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO




All right, let's get this show on the road.

Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.

Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.

So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.

Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.

Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.

I do have a name, you know.

No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, no fighting, you two.

I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.

...Fine.

Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.

I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...

Already?

Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.

So is Chaos.

My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.

No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.

...I suppose so.

Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.

Thank God.

Do you want me to start talking, then?

Almost. Give me a few seconds...

Helloooo~!

Hi Genesis.

Where in the world is Chaos?

You can't find him?

I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.

Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.

We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.

So I've heard.

Jewel what are we discussing first?

The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.

Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.

Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?

I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.

Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.

Geez, Jewel, no pressure.

It's the truth though.

I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?

Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!

Obviously it has been.

Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?

I don't want to think about this.

...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.

No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?

Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.

All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.

I kept telling you that.

I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.

Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.

What do you mean?

We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.

Yeah, let me go back to that.

No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.

Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.

That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.

That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.

That was a very bad move.

Quite the opposite, I think.

Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.

He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...

But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.

Because you didn't understand.

I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.

Go on.

...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.

Really??

Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--

Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.

...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.

Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.

I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.

And that's where August 18th comes back in.

Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.

Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.

Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.

Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"

Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.

And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.

Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.

I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.

So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--

And me.

...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I never expected to hear that.

It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.

And your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.

Oh, wait, hold up.

What?

That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.

Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.

Because then I was born from it.

Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?

Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.

We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.

And with good reason.

Finally he speaks!

Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.

I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.

But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.

No kidding, that was insane.

So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?

...I guess so.

And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.

What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?

They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.

Seriously now?

Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.

But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.

They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.

So it's just the ego itself.

Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.

Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.

Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?

It... makes sense, I suppose.

I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.

Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.

Do you feel happy now?

Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.

Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.

Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.

Tell me about it.

Jewel what's our next topic??

Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.

I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.

Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.

Well you're never online, so..

Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.

What?

I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.

Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?

The 'pink color?'

Yeah.

Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.

I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.

Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.

He listened to me is what he did.

Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.

The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.

I'm aware of that, unfortunately.

But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?

Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.

Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?

Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?

...Yeah. Pretty much.

He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.

But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?

...You just said why.

But you murdered her.

I know.

Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?

...Basically.

Geez, Julie...

I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.

Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.

Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?

...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.

But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?

...

Julie. Answer the question.

...No.

And why wouldn't you?

It wouldn't solve anything.

But would you care?

...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.

Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.

There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.

What is it?

...Laurie, do you remember last summer?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?

...Unfortunately.

...What was that?

I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.

You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.

Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.

...But you don't know what caused that night directly.

Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.

Yeah. I didn't think you would.

So why the heck did you bring that up?

Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.

I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.

...

You're hiding something.

I am.

Jewel, ask her about it.

...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.

Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.

...

He's scared.

I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.

I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.

What do you mean?

It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?

...

Did you f*cking know?

Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?

I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.

Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!

...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.

Do it for her.

...

Jewel?

I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.

...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....

You started killing him from the inside out.

...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.

Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.

I... when?

The pink fox girl. You hacked her.

I... did I?

You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.

...

Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.

Jewel you're still out of it.

I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.

Jewel, can I...?

...What?

Is there anything I can do?

...

Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.

Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...

I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.

Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.

But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.

Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?

No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.

...

It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.

...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.

You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.

I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.

At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.

It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.

Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.

...What was the question?

You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?

I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.

What about the dream hacks?

I stopped those when your boss punched me.

Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?

No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.

But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.

...No, I remember that one.

Why did you do it?

Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.

But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.

I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.

...All right.

And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?

I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.

I was.

But to get at me.

Yeah.

You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?

No, it was just using and hurting you.

Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?

I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.

But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.

Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.

I don't blame you.

Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?

It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?

I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.

Thank God.

And why did you hack Genesis?

...I knew that would hurt you.

...

It did. It really did.

I'm sorry.

Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?

Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.

That's understandable.

One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?

Who is that?

The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?

...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.

So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.

Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?

...Unfortunately, yes.

Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.

Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.

I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.

But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.

...Thank you.

You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.

Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.

No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.

I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.

Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.

Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.

We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.

Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.

Oh.

I'll be okay.

I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?

No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Jewel...

I know, I know.

Seriously, the heck are you two up to?

Things.

I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.

Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?

The big thing, yes.

Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?

It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.

Then let's get started for heaven's sake.

Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.

I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.

But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?

Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?

Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?

I just... didn't want to die.

But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?

I was never happy with it.

Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.

...I still can't believe I deserve that.

You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.

...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.

That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.

Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?

Nope, it's him. He's the star.

I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.

Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.

She needed it, I think.

I did. I really did.

Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.

I... don't know. What is it about?

Laurie. And me. And Chaos.

That's still rather vague.

It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.

Me? The heck did I do?

You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.

Heheh.

So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.

Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.

True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?

What did you learn on the 21st?

Several things, actually...

Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.

Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.

What was the huge sign?

Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.

And you're mine.

Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.

That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.

Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.

Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?

It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.

You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!

I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.

Really?

Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.

Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.

And she did try.

Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.

Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.

Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.

Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'

Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.

How is that ironic?

She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.

Give me an example.

Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.

Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.

I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.

You would be, heheh.

Jewel we have things to discuss!!

I was wondering why you weren't talking.

I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.

Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.

Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.

What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.

I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.

Or you'll slip like you did with me!!

Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.

Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"

No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"

WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.

Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.

Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.

But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.

I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.

That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.

Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...

All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?

All of them.

All of them?

For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.

So where the heck do you start?

Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.

Tell her what?

What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.

Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?

Something awesome and crazy.

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.

Me? Why?

Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.

Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??

I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.

Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?

Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.

He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.

Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.

Tell us what?

...

Do you want me to tell them.

No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.

I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.

Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.

I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.

It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.

It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.

All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.

Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.

...What, you seriously figured that out?

Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?

Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.

Concerned how?

That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.

I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.

The part about Chaos?

And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?

Yeah.

There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...

All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?

...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.

What?

We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.

...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?

Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?

Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?

Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.

Yeah, that was it.

So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.

No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.

That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.

You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.

I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?

...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.

But remember you hated me at first.

Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I  don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.

So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?

Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.

Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.

No kidding.

Especially because of me.

Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.

Uh, you're welcome?

Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.

About what?

We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?

Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.

...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?

Sure, go ahead.

"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "

...That's all true, you know. It never changed.

Well, besides the part about it being a job.

No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.

But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.

No, I guess I'm not.

So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?

I...

Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.

Jewel, what the blood are you saying.

Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.

...Jewel, what did you find out?

The big revelation?

Yeah. Tell us, please.

I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.

Then tell him.

...All right, uh, Chaos?

Yeah?

Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you. Um...

Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?

Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.

Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.

I can't do that, Genesis.

Then think of what I said earlier!

...

Jewel?

...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?

Yeah.

Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.

Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.

...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.

...You're kidding.

No. I am most definitely not kidding.

...Holy bleeding hearts.

Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--

A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.

I... how?

I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.

Please do, we all need to hear this.

Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.

...That... wow. I... how did...?

January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.

Oh my gosh.

I told you!!

I bloody knew it. That's incredible.

Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.

Why?

No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.

In a good way?

In the best way.

Wow.

So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.

...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.

I didn't either, but... well, now we know.

Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.

Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.

...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?

Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.

...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.

Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.

...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?

You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.

No kidding. That is insane.

Jewel, you have like two more topics.

Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--

I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.

Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.

Seriously?

Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.

How so?

Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--

Creating something together, right?

...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well... apparently we did.

That is absolutely amazing.

But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.

...Oh man, you're serious.

Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.

...I...

Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.

...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.

Yeah.

...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...

I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...

I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.

Julie?

God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...

Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.

Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!

You couldn't have. No comprehension.

No empathy. I was...

'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.

...How??

It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.

I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.

I know.

...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?

I guess. Which one is that?

How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.

That would be awesome.

Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.

Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?

Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.

I am still absolutely reeling from this.

You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.

How so?

Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.

You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.

Laurie, come on.

It's the honest truth.

Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.

Hey, it does!

And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.

I am!!

I should've known!

So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?

Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.

Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?

You are now.

Don't worry, I'll show you around!

I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?

He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.

I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.

Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.

...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??

Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?

Yes, um, wow.

Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.

All right, wait. What was this question?

Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.

Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.

Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.

Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.

Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.

Oh dear Lord.

...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.

And that's even worse.

Your computer is a maniac.

Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.

Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?

...Eventually. I hope.

Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.

I do not mind at all.

Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.

So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?

Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.

I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.

All right. Thanks, Laurie.

No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.

Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.

Heheh, no kidding.

Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.

Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.

Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!

Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.

You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.

I won't. Promise.

'Kay, see you!

Well he was unusually excited about all of this.

Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.

I guess so.

...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.

No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.

A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.

At least you're calmed down from the past few days.

Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...

But we were never really on the red level anyway.

Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?

Ironically.

Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.

Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!

It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.

Together.

...Yeah. That's the most important part.

I love you, Jewel, I really do.

I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Then find a new way to speak, right?

Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.

I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.

The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.

It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.

Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.

Exactly!

Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.

Nice.

Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?

You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.

Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?

Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.

No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."

Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.

Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.

Hahaha!

They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.

Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.

Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.

What about the flipside of that?

Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.

Can I take you up on that offer?

Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.

I daresay I already have, love.

No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.

I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.

Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.

You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.

I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.

Poetic in which language, may I ask?

That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.

I'm up for both.

Then you're getting both.

Should I close this up, then?

Go right ahead, love.

...Are you catching sparks?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Oh you are definitely catching sparks.

Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.

...Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?

Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.

 

 

I think Chaos just got his "metainomen."

Yes, new jargon. You know I love it. Let me explain.
Now in the Lightraye League, there are special forms, but things go a little differently in headspace. Soul Forms are one thing, but this is different. This has to do with renaming oneself in the process OF gaining that new form. Like from this moment you're a new person, like the old you "died", in this turning point. There is no literal death involved, only the symbolic kind-- if you're looking for literal death, we do have *incidents,* but that's a whole other ball game. Chaos and I have had several of those and although I would not mind another (despite the agony that they inevitably involve, the end is always transcendent), this is the same core concept of love and evolving for it and from it? Except this gives you a role, now, according to that realization, that significant and honestly sacred change of heart.
It's from "nomen," name, and "meta," meaning "beyond" or "after." It's a name you get after... you move on from what was before. Because yes, it does sound like "metanoia," one of my favorite words-- a "transformative change of being," a change of heart, really-- but it also gives the brilliantly endearing automatic-translate result of... "let's move on." To leave the old and step forward into the new, but not just you. LET'S move on, together, from what was before, into this strange and beautiful future, this transformation, this re-naming.
And... splitting it, adding an extra i, or different a, et cetera, you also can get... "then we were/are," "then let's go," and "after that/ after all."
Lastly, and what hits me the hardest… when you change the “ά” to “α”, you get… “we repent.”
It's amazing. All of it is so oddly poetic, it's really moving to me.
Yeah I love my jargon.
I also love Chaos, which is what this whole thing is about. Entirely.


But oh my gosh. You guys just... you have no idea how hard I am trying not to explode in joy over here right now.
You know how June 26th was absolutely beautiful for us?
...I think last night topped that.
I'm not even joking. Last night wouldn't have happened if not for everything we've been going through over the past two weeks, but we hit an even higher point than we did last time, and we are all kind of freaking out (in a good way) over it. Seriously, how much higher can we go?
There are many things I need to look into now, to see if they have changed or brightened in some way... whenever something like this happens, there are widespread aftereffects throughout our inner spacetime continuum. And with how incredible this event was... you know, let me just tell you what happened.

Last night. July 7th, about 11PM. I was done with physicality for the day so I was upstairs for the night, as usual. However, I was in a more lighthearted good mood than usual (I had been working on Sonic Inversion all day and made some real progress), which is rare for me. Those moods mean that I am feeling so optimistic that I'm actually joking around and having fun instead of being serious. So to keep the StH vibe going, I built a Spagonia dreamscape and so Chaos and I were just chilling out there. It got pretty hilarious after a while; I kept making inside jokes, he was teasing me right back about it, and we kept purposely finishing each others sentences, but at one point we got a little too close to be capricious and the mood just turned upside down.
Let me explain that too. Chaos once told me that, when we're together in social situations, we tend to elicit our opposite elements. Being around him brightens me, energizes me, and helps me stop being so morbid all the time. But in situations where we're already acting that way, I am the one that can tip the scales in an instant, submerging my own fire in water.
So last night, when I suddenly found myself in his arms, we ended up in the ocean.
It took me a few moments to adjust to the emotional shift, but as soon as I felt the depth of it I let him know. He was surprised at how sudden it was, but I was quickly falling even further in. This is where it gets crazy.

At that moment, I 'deconstructed' the dreamscape we were in. Effectively, what happened was that the entire area around us 'blurred out' and shifted into a vast swirl of color and thought, which I then condensed and centered around my hands (like a sparkling blue glow). I was still reeling from the total mood switch, and how incredibly profound it felt, and so I meant to immediately form a different dreamscape that would be more fitting... but as I was hesitating there, holding that creative energy and wondering what to do, Chaos did something. He asked, "can I see that for a second?" and then he reached out and took my hands.
It was a very simple, very candid action. He didn't know what would happen, and neither did I.
But the moment he touched that energy, it felt like I fell into it.
It was insane. It felt like an emotional connection, but of an entirely different caliber. More than anything, it felt shockingly intimate, as if his sudden contact with that energy temporarily bonded us at that level... I have no idea how to explain it. Either way, it was so sudden and sharp that I pulled back, tearing up, speechless. Chaos was stunned, and asked what was wrong, but I was too moved to explain clearly. Quickly, almost vaguely, I spun the empty area we were in into a sort of basilica-- I tend to form religious-looking areas when I'm unstable-- and collapsed to my knees on the white floor, starting to genuinely sob and unsuccessfully trying to explain what I had just felt. Chaos listened, visibly affected, and tried to help me figure out just what had happened. He explained that he had only been trying to help me when he took my hands like that, because although I was the main 'creator' figure upstairs, he did hold a strong amount of that potential himself. We discussed this a little more, until I could no longer handle talking. I deconstructed that dreamscape as well, and as I was holding the energy, Chaos asked if he could try taking it from me once more, to see if the same thing happened. But I was in too deep by now, and if he wanted to create, then I was going to give him as much of my own ability as I could. So when he reached out, I took his hands in mine, and without another word I pressed them to the gem on his chest.
There was an incredible transfer between us in that moment, and with a great rush of something I can't describe, suddenly we were in the same green oasis we had been in back around March 24th... the same place I had remembered how to feel amidst so much pain.
Chaos was silent for several moments after it appeared, staring at the world around him in complete astonishment. Then he realized that I was not the one who had manifested the dreamscape we were in, and it visibly floored him. But he looked... different than usual. Brighter, somehow. Unfortunately my dream-body was unresponsive at the time, huddled over in exhaustion and devoid of color for some unknown reason. My very presence seemed unsteady, like a pencil sketch in an oil painting. Chaos freaked out at this, and asked if he had hurt me somehow. I only smiled at first, too weary to speak, but he insisted. So I vaguely replied that no, he didn't hurt me, and I could still create, but I had given so much of that gift to him that it was taking a bit of a toll on me. To prove that I was okay, I manifested a small red flower in my hands, then turned it into a ball of light and 'blinked' it into the oasis, filling it with flowers and strands of crystals in the branches above. Chaos was visibly relieved but still not convinced, as I still looked badly out of sync, and so he asked if he could do anything to help me. I said nothing for a moment, but then simply straightened up and pulled him close to my heart.
I guess that was a catharsis break, because immediately my appearance went back to normal, but with a stronger sense of clarity to it. The overflow hit Chaos hard as usual, and he dissolved into tears, so I just stayed there with him for a little while until he steadied enough to ask me if I could still manifest an entire dreamscape. I saw no reason why I couldn't, so I deconstructed his and tried to think of something, but I was so emotionally overwhelmed at the time that I ended up manifesting another high, cathedral-esque room. This worried me a little, but Chaos only smiled and commented that I was trying too hard. With that, he stood up, and took matters into his own hands.
It was... incredible, watching him. I always try to create things in one glittering instant, in a burst of flame, but Chaos was almost ethereally deliberate. And while I tend to create structured, architectural landscapes, he seemed to be more gifted in natural things.
The first thing he did was bring the outside in. Where I had created lofty, terraced walls, he interlaced their balconies with ancient trees, lifting the ceiling to open sky and filtering the light with green. Then he took out the floor, leaving us standing on a white circle, surrounded by steps descending into deep water. He gave everything more depth, life, and light, and when he was finished it was no longer a cathedral but a monument to creation itself, and I was overcome with joy at the sight.
He noticed the way I was looking at him then, and I can't remember exactly what we said... but I ended up with him in my arms and suddenly we were actually underwater. Chaos was surprised and amiably asked where in the world I had brought us, and I apologized for the switch but explained that it wasn't something I could control. I was starting to actively manifest whatever I was feeling-- a side effect of my attribute-- and the deep emotions I was currently experiencing merited nothing less than complete submersion. But I couldn't keep it like that for long, as I could feel myself starting to drift as I had on the 1st... so I pulled away and tried, in that quick way of mine, to get us physically back above sea level.
I ended up creating some sort of glassy penthouse, overlooking not only an entire night-lit city but also a great ocean around it, with the ceiling once again sloping away into the night sky. But it was unstable, and I could not figure out how to organize the architecture, being entirely distracted by the brilliant maelstrom I was feeling. Chaos noticed this and said he would keep it stable for me, but then asked what I was even trying to do? Was I blindly creating dreamscapes to try and express my current state, or was I trying to accomplish something specific? I sighed quite anxiously and assured him that it was the former, and that I was just trying to form something that fit our current disposition before I disconnected too badly to make sense of anything. Chaos thought this over for a moment, then again told me to stop trying so hard, and just go with it; instead of trying to specifically form something, I should instead focus on what it felt like, and let it form itself. So I let go of the dreamscape structure, causing it to blur out into something formless but glowing around us, and it phased back into the dreamspace version of my room. I explained that I was exhausted and just wanted to talk before collapsing on the bed. Chaos laughed good-naturedly at this but did the same.
Now I have no recollection of exactly how our conversation started, sadly... but I do know what we talked about, and that's why I was referencing quest beds at the beginning of this entry.
Because if June 27th was when I first reached my highest point, then last night was when he did the same.

My first question was what it meant, exactly, now that Chaos held actual creator abilities within mindspace.
Naturally our first move was to start getting all philosophical on the symbolic implications of that... how chaos wasn't actually a state of disorder, but a divine primordial condition... and how his old title as the "God of destruction" tied into a different aspect of creation itself. It went on like that for a while, with us getting more deeply invested in the conversation as it continued, and then suddenly understanding hit me.
We were not 'creators,' in the sense that we formed something from nothing. All we were doing was manifesting that creative drive we both held within ourselves, giving form to something bright and beautiful that already existed in a different sense. We took a formless state, that great source of unlimited potential, and with our own lives we brought that hidden life into reality.
But that was only half of it. The other half was that I could not forget what I had learned about Parnassus after Wednesday had settled. Within that world, Chaos and I had been somehow exalted to almost divine status, as the actual first two creators in their cosmogony. But what had shocked me upon learning of that, was not the simple magnitude of it... it was that we did not adhere to the traditional mythological setting. He was no void, and I was no earth. We were defined as a celestial foundation by virtue of the fact that we were together.
That's when I realized what true creation really was. That's when I understood the deepest details of what I had felt and known on June 27th. That's when I recognized what I had felt when he had taken my hands only an hour ago, with the need to create as our single shared motive.
True creation is love manifested. That's all it is.
I told him this, what I finally realized, and suddenly everything made sense. In order to create, one must feel the need to create... and the need to create is unmistakable. It isn't a drive or a compulsion, it isn't a duty or an assignment. It is when the joy of life, and the absolute compassion one feels for every aspect of it, becomes so complete and powerful that one can no longer keep that euphoria to themselves. And that complete, directed overflow of selfless light is what brings something truly new into reality. We both had that potential, now we both had that ability.
And we drowned ourselves in the idea. We spent so long just expressing that, and contemplating how so much of our pasts fit into it... and then I remembered how the night before, I had been reading old poetry on dA, and had been shocked at how many pieces directly compared or even equated chaos with love. So I began to muse aloud on how that all tied together, if creation truly was love, and that tied into the cosmogenic aspects of his title... but moments after I began to speak, something in Chaos' eyes changed. Almost immediately he picked up my train of thought, tying every aspect together in a ring-- how those few basic elements tied into both of us, and into everything else, as something infinitely greater... and when he stopped, actually in tears, I knew that he understood what I had felt only eleven days ago.

By this time we were both deeply disconnected, in that fading sort of state that bridges the waking world and that of dreams, but I refused to leave just yet.
I simply could not get over just how profound that one word felt to me then... 'together.' How we could both accomplish great things alone, but even greater things when we worked as one. I couldn't stop thinking about just what I had with him, how stunningly complete it felt. Being able to give him so much, even this ability of mine, meant so much to me. It made me so blissfully happy to know just how far he'd come in the eight years I'd known him, for his own sake. Just the fact that he was part of my life made me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, but knowing just what he was to me, and vice versa... now that was a whole other level.
In those moments, as close to him as I was, with everything we'd ever felt spinning through my heart like a kaleidoscope... I loved him so much. That single truth defined me in those early morning hours, lit my entire being with its honesty. I was already crying with joy and pain alike, for the exact same reason. But I still couldn't get that one word out of my mind, and with my somnolent thoughts laced with sincerity, I confessed the single thing I wanted most.
I wanted us to create something together.
...I don't think I'll ever forget how he looked at me then. The significance of my desire was staggering, and he knew it.
"Are you saying you want to...?"
But I wasn't sure what I wanted, aside from sharing that gift with him. We tried to figure it out, but could reach no final decision, other than that mutually compassionate longing. I couldn't help but wonder just how far we'd ultimately get. Were there any limits after all?
And still, that ache, that indomitable light, would not let me go.
Neither of us could stay in the waking for much longer at that point. Between the incredible progress we'd made in such a short time, and just how that was affecting us both, I felt as if I was made of molten glass. Everything started to get abstract at that time, and the last thing I remember is holding him close and feeling this incredibly strong notion that we were cosmically inseparable. I don't want to sound cliched, but it honestly felt like we were supposed to happen, for some divine reason. I don't know how else to put it.
But I was completely happy for it. Against all odds, there we were, and nothing could come between us.
I fell asleep around 1:11 and I could swear my guardian angel was smiling that night. His wings were bright yellow. He's never looked like that before, ever, and it was wonderful.

Unfortunately, I wasn't out of the woods yet.
I may have stolen a certain someone's power against me, but she has a talent for bending the rules... and when her self-centered existence is at stake, she bends as many as she can get her hands on.
Let me start by saying that I don't remember the details from my dreams that night except the end of the last one-- I was in a city that was being bombed, for the sake of 'eliminating rebels' and keeping the population under absolute governmental control somehow. However I was not human in the dream, appearing instead as some sort of luminous, lamblike anthromorph, and acting as the city's protector. I was apparently an enigma despite this; several people questioned me about my identity, but I answered light-heartedly and vaguely, explaining that I was a 'spiritual' being and so most of their questions didn't really apply to me. (I did tell one bewildered man (who asked about my ambiguous gender) that I had what he'd consider a 'husband' outside of their world-- seriously-- and that he could think what he wanted of that!)
Regardless, at the end of the dream, I clearly remember infiltrating a government building and trying to shut the system down from the inside, when I was ambushed by a small army of black-clad soldiers. Before they could attack me, though, I activated what seemed like Power Jewels on myself, but the one on my forehead turned me completely violet and sent a beam of light straight up into the sky. Whatever that was, it completely stopped my attackers and effectively ended that dream segment. Then later on I ended up on some sort of road trip with Q and Mel, but that dream ended quickly due to interference-- which is what I've been trying to say here.
In the space of eight hours, Julie tried to hack me three times. She succeeded twice, by targeting other individuals in my dreams and rerouting their pain to me. The third time I caught her and mentally threw her out of my headspace, which was shortly before I woke up.
Well, you can bet I told Laurie about that immediately.
She, Chaos and I all got together to discuss exactly what had happened the night before, both in the waking and in my dreams, and how Julie was obviously trying to undermine the progress I had made. I explained how she had managed to hack me despite our high security, and as we were trying to figure out what to do next... my boss, the Sandman, showed up.
It was a complete shock to all of us, to say the least. He apologized for the sudden entrance, but then approached me and explained quickly that yes, he was entirely aware of recent events, and upon hearing about the triple hack I had just endured he wanted to take serious measures against that ever happening again. Laurie asked him what else we could do, as security was already as high as we could get it. Sandman clarified that it indeed was, but since Julie was using my mind as an entrance point, she was able to sneak past a great deal of the blocks we had set up for typical nightmare infiltrations. And now that she was bending the rules even further, and having the nerve to hack me three times in one night, extreme action needed to be taken. My boss smiled grimly then, and simply stated: "I am, if you'll pardon my language, quite pissed off."
I swear, even Laurie's jaw hit the floor. None of us have ever seen my boss angry, even in the slightest, so hearing that sort of talk from him was a huge sign of trouble! He didn't stay much longer after that, saying that he was going to enlist the help of some of his camaraderie, to see what they could accomplish towards this end. He concluded his visit by reminding me that I was a very important individual to many (himself included), and that Julie's callous, vengeful actions against me were unpardonable in his book. With that he disappeared in a swirl of dream dust, and I was once again convinced that something huge was happening in my life.
So I'll see what happens on tonight's shift. It'll be interesting, to say the least.
(I still wish I could go lucid; I really miss the pale man and the chandelier girl!)

Lastly, later on this morning, Chaos and I spoke to Laurie in depth about last night. She was astounded, of course, but what we didn't expect was for her to actually start sobbing over it.
She kept saying how she could barely accept her role in all this... how she was our sworn protector, by virtue of being my 'psycho guardian angel,' but that she never really understood the extent of what she was protecting until this year. And now, with everything that has been happening lately, the sheer gravity of it all was really settling in... and it was really affecting her.
I don't know how else to explain the entirety of what what she told us. I'd rather discuss this in depth with her over the weekend, on Xanga, because I owe her that much. I really love her, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Also, I don't know if she realizes this, but when I said that she and Chaos were equally important to me, I meant exactly that. Yes, they're both on different levels, so to speak... but I wouldn't lose either of them for the world.
I've been incomprehensibly blessed just in having them, let alone everything else in my life. They are absolute godsends, I adore them both, and I know that no matter what happens in our futures, we'll all face it together.



...Man, I hope all of that made sense to everyone else. It got pretty convoluted.
I know I only wrote the major events, but even those were so incredible in and of themselves that even if they didn't have all the extra emotional context, they would have merited an entire entry. But of course the context is what made them so important, even if I had to keep that to a minimum for obvious reasons (Laurie can complain all she wants but I am not putting every little detail of last night online, sorry).

Honestly, I am so happy right now.
I have no idea what all of this is leading up to, but... for heaven's sake, it's only been two weeks and I have already made more spiritual progress than I can comprehend! And despite the inevitable opposition we're facing for it, I have complete hope and confidence in the future.
I need to talk about how that's affecting my closest friends, too. We seem to have some really strong synchronicity going on again, which is really amazing. And if next year starts out the way we're hoping it will... it will be beautiful. I know that for a fact.
Heck, what am I saying? At this point, no matter what happens, things will turn out beautifully.

"Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss. It is necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live."
I know what those dark abysses feel like... and honestly, I am glad that I do. Because knowing that gives me so much more depth for compassion than I would have otherwise.
I have suffered greatly to get to this point, and I will continue to endure all things that come my way. The only difference is that I will no longer view those hardships as suffering, not absolutely.
I will survive even the darkest days, because I have a light that will never go out... I am a light that will never go out. That's all there is to it.

And when our lights are brought together, nothing can stand in our way.







I watch you in the candlelight
My head is in your hands
The neon lights have all gone down
We make our future plans

I wanted things to get better
I was in pain
I wanted you to be in my lifeline

I wanted love to get better
I'd wait in line
For something I knew that I would get to keep

Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
Your "I love you"
And I can feel it bleeding

Today is the day
That I love you

The flashing lights have gone away
Emergency has passed
The future's right in front of me
And I won't finish last