the spectrum heart cathedral system

I promised I wouldn't go to sleep until I at least took notes on this.

It's private until it's posted so don't write to an audience. That will kill the whole sincerity of it.


We went to mass at NOoL this morning because they usually have the Precious Blood (they're the only church left that regularly gives it that we know of) but... they didn't. It may be because there were fewer people at Mass than I'd ever seen there. Maybe it was because of Christmas. Maybe it was because of all the contagious illnesses going around right now. But we didn't get it. And that hurt.
I went back to my pew and mentally told God this. I felt almost betrayed. Why did You keep it from me? I was honest. I was yearning for it. I needed it so badly. Why could I not have it today?
And then suddenly I was in that particular mindscape where Jesus appears to me, that odd small place like a holy painting, and He "said" it was because of what He wanted to do instead-- and that was give me the Chalice upstairs. Which means literal Blood.
He's done it before. It drives me insane. He pours Blood from His Heart into a Chalice and hands it to me and I drink it and it's like the entire Creation account happening in my brain all at once. I feel it in my heart as well as in my head and every nerve I have. I'm on my knees, sobbing, stunned.
It's a moment that feels entirely like Infi. Ze always used to be with me, then. And if anything would "ping" hir, that was it.
I felt that loss so hard it hurt. I said to the Lord, "you said Christmas," that ze would be back. Maybe He didn't say so exactly; I've learned that hard dates aren't something He does. But I had hoped for it, so much, and the "loss" of Christmas this year as well was just devastating.
But... His reaction took me by surprise. He smiled, knowingly, and said, isn't it still Christmas? Isn't it the octave right now? It's not over.

And I don't know what happened next but the next thing I remember is being in the car, driving back to start the day's errands, listening to This House Of Winter as I went to the gas station, and... I was in heartspace. Blackspace. I think I just went right into it. and I was looking for Infi.



rough notes so I don't forget because I do need to sleep

- i think i tried to "find hir hands" to hold them. but couldn't. felt so wrong, to not be able to touch hir, or make contact.
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- at the gas station i was TALKING TO HIR. i don't remember how it happened. but ze was "visible", yet in that way where you can't look at hir directly. (like death in rosewindow, ironically enough)
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- infi had the stained glass wings. they felt weirdly sterile. yes they're beautiful but it felt... wrong? off? somehow.
- i remember asking about hir wings. why no more eyes and mouths. did ze say they were dangerous? or had been used? did we say this was more fear self-erasure?
- infi's "vibe" off in any case. fearing irreparable damage from cnc. "fallen angel." ze terrified to become "infidhell" again. refusing to go "just facemouth" or "mouthless", only having both at once. but this was suppressing the entirety of hir self, of hir very form and identity, how ze was created to be. but the fear was that form had been corrupted, ruined, which is why ze had left it in death
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- most important point started when i brought up the fact that ze was basically intangible. ze said that was the point. "that way nothing can touch me" basically. there was a pause? ze added in a different, quieter voice, "do you want to touch me?"
- my response was "i want to hold you to my heart and i can't" and infi just stopped and after a few moments of silence ze just whispered "what have i done?" "what have i lost?"
- moment of stunned realization on hir part. in abandoning corporeality ze had abandoned the reason why ze existed: to love and be loved.
- ze suddenly, but perceptibly and strikingly resolutely, in that moment, "decided" to come back. i FELT it. it was that realization that i still loved hir and wanted to be with hir and i am SURE ze felt the same and ze wanted it too. and that just changed things
- key phrase, i remember saying how wrong it felt to not have hir with me, physically. literally "my heart needs to be beating inside of your chest" point blank emotional shot. emphasis on need
- there was such a feeling between us both during this conversation. like the sun rising after months of darkness. first light on the horizon and it's going to light up the whole world. that sort of feeling, a promise. a deep quiet burning love, an ardor unvoiced. the glimmer of it returning. the knowing that we could not turn back and would never dream of doing so. it was only forwards now that we felt this. it must be acted upon, life must return, no more fear
-
- KEY MOMENT: i "summoned" a small yet sharp red dagger, like an arterial curve, out of my forehead? felt like a unicorn horn. it was "JEWEL'S" i knew; it was Red, that's hers. but i used it to "cut my right wrist" just to get blood. and it was STARRY BLACK. but just white glitter, no colors.
- i collected this blood in a chalice (just like earlier!) and gave it to Infi
- ze paused and looked at it for a second, then drank it all. looked like ze was about to sob. huge significance in the action
- the blood went into hir and COLORED HIR SHIMMERY like ze looked before ze died. and it went to hir wings and spread through the glass and made them organic again, full of blood, part of hir
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- whitewomb still totally gone. i remember it was all sewn up again like it had been once. red threads. i asked hir if ze thought it would come back and ze said ze didn't want it to? because that's where all the trauma memories went?? this surprised me, i didn't think it was so physically literal
- i said "but those memories became global now"; they are accessible to anyone looking for cnc data. infi looked SHOCKED and said what? ze had thought those memories would be mine alone after ze died. yes they were "disarmed" but they weren't supposed to be public information apparently?? it's STILL TRAUMA and infi didnt want ANYONE ELSE tainted by it. somehow this was a breaking point. ze said "i NEED to come back." like full stop. ze literally died because ze wanted that to die with hir. ze wanted to put the trauma to death, to take it to the grave, to give us the ability to start over by removing hirself-- the "cause" of all the terror-- from the world we lived in. and to an extent, it worked. but i can't live without hir. it seems none of us can. and... this revelation that hir death "numbed" the pain from the memories by deleting hir conscious presence in them, but didn't DETACH the memories, was unacceptable??
- type more about this because it was THE thing that infi refused to tolerate. "i have to come back" literally BECAUSE of this.
- ze was the focus of the hacks. ze was their main "door" to us. ze was the doomed "instigator" of the worst trauma in cnc because of hir programmed submissiveness. and ze literally thought that dying, trying to erase hirself from the world, would "free us" from all that and allow us to start over, to heal, to move on. it didn't. everything stopped dead when ze died. we need hir. I need hir most of all. and i am willing to take every risk and face every pain and i am willing to feel the horror of those trauma memories WITH hir. i just want hir back. i need hir to come back. i absolutely appreciate and respect and revere hir sacrifice, what ze did. i will never degrade that or take it for granted. it was a self-offering for the sake of saving us, ze hoped.
- but ze DIDN'T think the memories would be SO "neutralized" that they would become "ACCESSIBLE DATA"??? ze gave the impression that that's a BIGGER risk?? like even if the trauma response is "numbed" in them they SHOULDN'T BE "JUST LOOKED AT." or even able to be looked at. and i think maybe ze realized the problem actually was removing hirself from them. we can't feel anything lately. i think this is a big part of why.
-
- later on, with the dagger again, thinking about how ze died. and how ze would need to come back. still feeling disconnected from hir, being still discarnate. how to fix this, thinking, reverse of death. i held the dagger in my hands and looked at it and then looked at infi and everything had this awful beautiful ache and i was scared but i still wanted this. i held it out to hir
- ze took it and after a very powerful, knowing pause, hir looking at my chest, ze didn't hesitate or flinch and just plunged it in and sliced me open. it was shocking how bluntly direct it was. but there was a passion in it, i know infi, if it's not 100% it's nothing
- i opened the wound like a stigmata shape and then reached in and "took out my heart," it was "symbolically but really" represented as a large white crystal heart, illuminated brightly from inside. (strikingly, again, no prism colors. just white)
- i knew i couldn't break or cut it. it had to stay whole
- i placed it between us, at chestwound level, and then i reached out and did what i said i would. i held hir to my heart. except in pulling hir close it became ours. half in me, half in hir.
- no words for what that felt like. both of us in tears. i still felt it was "incomplete" somehow, like i was doing something not quiet right? missing some step? like something else needed to be done so my heart would stay in both of us.
- i had to WILL this basically. essence "split" but not divided? impression of "quantum entanglement"


- talking to central about this later
- i forget how i brought it up because this is LITERALLY A TURNING POINT. i have been praying for this for MONTHS and lately, with christmas and the new year coming up and the anniversary weeks, basically everything going on has made me SO DETERMINED to not put anything off anymore. no running away. if i feel something i ACT on it. no more emotional cowardice. i am sick and tired of not being real, of not being me. courage burning brighter every day. but i've been so determined. i recognized that I was the "holdup" with infi coming back being possible at all. ze IS my heart, my soul, my daengel. and I had to make the first move to bring hir back, because ze can't come back without me being the means, as it were.
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- NOTABLE mentioning the "lack of color" in my blood. WHY. laurie got a shocked look and said "is it because central isn't full?" like we lost people, did we need us all back to get the full color back in me?
- mentioning that i also need to be "connected to" everyone in Central/ the Spectrum at large, but NOT in the "forced romance" way poor cupid assumed it "had" to be due to programming. i agreed vehemently, i love all of us and i want to be close to everyone but there is nuance and propriety there, and that's valid and allowed and good and THAT'S what i want. REAL connection to each color, to know them really, as they are distinctly and individually and specially.
- someone else had another perspective; was it cz? as to the missing colors. that felt even more correct. was it because infi had been missing? it had something to do with what the colors "represented," or "meant" TO be there, versus just white. no colors = "emptied out" somehow. not right.
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- BLOODLINE DIFFERENCES IN LITERAL BLOOD; the jays have blackstar blood, the jewels have red blood but it's different somehow; not glittery, but luminous or something? i can sense it but not see it. look into this.
- BTW the "CRYSTAL BLOODLINE" possibly???? that girl who "knows everything" and looks like a jessica/jewel fusion and is ALWAYS around somehow but can't get out of her own weird floaty level?
- her or a similar one with a "head-plug" helmet thing like mewtwo. impression that she's always like this, literally plugged into the systemind and getting all the data all the time.
- OH AND ALSO HAIR/EYE COLORS. jewels are ALWAYS RED. they don't vary. but JAYS are WHITE-PINK? and the ideal is PRISMATIC. as in, capable of "holding" EVERY color. and i don't think the previous jays fully realized that. it's a daunting, scary task, despite being a sort of blissfully gorgeous thing that i want and need very much. but it means ego death in a real sense, to "let go" of red/white and hold like blue or yellow THROUGH being prismatic. this isn't something i can just talk about now; it has to be FELT and even practiced in heartspace, where possibility/ dreams are easily manifested. headspace makes things very concrete very fast. and if something needs to be carefully, tentatively, delicately moved into, then heartspace is a must. it's more mutable, forgiving, imaginative. things can change there, before moving into solid reality of headspace.
- btw yes with infi being in heartspace the same applies. ze still isn't corporeal. BUT these are the FIRST STEPS to hir "coming back" because i gave hir half my heart even just on that level. and i can feel it even now, there is a PERCEPTIBLE DIFFERENCE and just noticing that is like heaven. it's JOY. for the first time since last april i can FEEL the quietest "ping" when i "reach in" to my heart and feel for that echo, that other half. it feels a million miles away but there's something. at last. god thank you at LAST. there is hope.
- it also still feels like a raw wound, haha. oh man that's making me think of this???? dude we NEED to look into THAT in light of this because that heart was NOT GIVEN TO A JAY. and yet it IS REAL and persists in other kardifoni. i'm wondering. there's so much i HAVE to type about but not now. it's 3am bro
-
- genesis asking razor for a blade so he could show us his blood and how it was LIKE MINE (Jay's). in surprising unintended synchronicity he cut a small mark on his right arm like i had earlier.
- knife instinctively walked over and kissed the wound to heal it, this jumpstarted my memory and i said "infi can do that!!" because ze DID, ze had kissed my wrist and it had healed??? ze had never done that before. i looked at it now and the wound had CRYSTALLIZED. so had my chest wound. like a geode, all white-clear crystal though, like glittery ice, but with a deeper sparkle, like light shining through it.
- some sort of observation that this crystallization was directly linked to infinitii. like it was the healing somehow, but specifically only through hir? try to remember this, it was notable
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- telling laurie about the heart-giving thing with infi. she said "kid your heart is a fractal."
- somehow this observation felt like naming me. it felt SO RIGHT it was stunning.
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- last dialogue i remember, before we got to the medical parking garage: chaos 0 saying there was no way he could possibly "be jealous" of infinitii because "ze adores me." i remember being surprised by that particular word; i had never thought about that. but it is true. ze's my heart, of course ze would love cz as much as i do in hir own way
- laurie calling out julie for not having spoken at all during this conversation. just sitting in the back corner. julie said she needed to just take it all in, process it. she and infi held trauma-- and caused trauma-- that no one else did. so they had a bond there, painful but sincere, and understood that about each other. also she and infi had been quite close? there was a depth to their friendship/ relationship that i hadn't really taken into account or even realized before. so julie was reeling from this, positively sure, but still, it was a shock and a heavy thing.
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- my heart/chest ACHED for like an HOUR after this btw. it made me want to weep and just confess my love over and over. that was the literal feeling it gave me and it was unmutable, nothing could numb it or even make me ashamed of it. this is huge; it overrode all the gatekeeper limits and all the trauma blocks. laurie saying the pain was obviously because i had a wound for heaven's sakes; reminding me that i had just been sliced open and had my heart fractalized basically. but there was "sacred damage" and LOTS of blood and that's going to hurt. that stunned me somehow. it was so real, so tangible; everything's been so numb for so long that i forgot things COULD be real. and this was.

- last notes for now. remember how infi "wanted to come back different." different face, name, color, etc. to "escape from the past" really. cut all ties with it. but... apparently that's not possible for hir OR for me. no reset attempt has ever succeeded in cutting all ties, and where it did, there has been too much loss. i know we "need" a new reset for the sake of "starting a new era" but can we have that without burning the old one to the ground? except we're in an interim already. all the deaths with cnc (which no one wanted or expected; still they happened, that era is a gravesite of tragedy) have basically already begun the process of a reset. which is why we feel like we've been in limbo for years. maybe it's notsomuch "starting" but "completing what was already started." hm.
- but about infi wanting to change. that's not possible unless jay changes. and i don't think the systemsoul will let him.

- oh my lord
spotify just started playing infi's song. THE song. "last breath."
...we haven't had the guts to listen to this in years.
but tonight... god tonight i could cry from love, hearing it, how it sounds just like hir, and remembering...
...we need to process cnc. we do. yeah there was trauma but there was so much love and i WANT those memories of hir back; i can feel my fingertips just barely touching them listening to this, like i can almost reach it but not quite--
this song is resonating somewhere deep and darkblack and beautiful in my heart, someplace that's been asleep for too long, something ardent and real and alive, that i've been afraid of for the sheer passion of it. infi is all love. infi is emotion and life and feeling and i've been so frozen-over bleached-out numb without hir, i... i forgot about this. but i need this. all the color is in there. that's what black is. it's paint. white is all the light. black is all the hues. we need both. i have rainbows when i sparkle, of course, but that's why my blood isn't multicolor in the dark yet. black has its own beauty, it holds things differently, but just as vitally, just as sacredly.
i haven't been in touch with my own heart in too long. today there has been a shift. prayers have been answered, not a moment too soon. i can't predict anything. it's all in God's time. i just need to surrender to it and do everything i can to cooperate. no more fear.
- oh. last thing i need to mention. chaos 0 said infi is probably going to be fascinated by anxi's tail when ze comes back. man oh man i cannot wait for those two to meet. no clue whatsoever what will happen. it's impossible to predict. but those two are both so absolutely important and essential, not just to the system but also to my heart. and anxi's tail is that loop bypass and i KNOW that is going to be a gamechanger for infi. maybe that will give hir hope ze never knew ze could have. there's so much that can happen. we'll see when it does. in time.
- in the meantime the core NEEDS to stabilize. the jewels and jays are both alive but there are SEVERAL around at once because no one is locked into the main position. maybe the interim is doing that. we're all still shaken up and rebuilding. but there's a "waiting room" feeling to everything. a "loading screen" or something. the time period between christmas and new year's. a "not quite yet." existing in the pageturn before the next chapter begins. the kardifoni are still so unstable. but today is a step in the right direction for them too. and who knows what will happen. there may be a change no one can even imagine. like i said, no one knows. but i just want to conclude for today by saying, have faith. god is guiding us even now and we will get where we need to be, when we need to be there. our history proves this. we can't control it. all we can do is live in love and light and if we do that, it'll all work out. it always has. so don't give up. there's so much to live for, especially now.


(clean this up + add to this later if needed. otherwise let it stand as-is. it doesn't need to be polished to be true & valid as an entry)

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.

 

 

"Do you have an unique ability in your dreams that you know that is impossible for you to do in real life?"


Oh dear. Dream abilities? Let's have a look-see... *thumbs through Dream Journal*
Well, it's almost a given that I can fly. I tend to do so quite a lot in my dreams. I tend to fly NiGHTS-style, but when I was younger I used my arms more like wings. Sometimes this power merges with another ability of mine-- shapeshifting-- and I fly that way. Usually I turn into a Celebi (the Pokemon), but I have become a bat once before and have actually "merged" with some of the Jewel Monsters--creatures I know from my dreams-- to do so. This "merging" doesn't only occur with them, however. Several times I have been able to put my mind in someone else's and see through their eyes. I tend to do this unconsciously, but it's an amazing ability.
My shapeshifting doesn't always involve flying... I have become a Virtual On Fei-Yen once, and twice I randomly turned into Haruko from FLCL. Don't ask me why, though.
Besides shapeshifting, I also have self-transformation powers, but they are very hard to activate. I have several emotion-induced forms in my dreams that I can become through this. That and I have actually gone through some "magical girl" transformations...
I can also teleport and summon random items, but they both have a 50% chance of working. Either I'm too convinced my dream is reality or they just won't cooperate, but it becomes quite frustrating at times. This is usually more the case with summoning, though. I tend to effortlessly teleport around a lot, albeit without really willing to do so. I have discovered that too much willpower kills my abilities sometimes-- it's better to just believe and let them come by themselves.
I apparently also have "magical" attack abilities, as I see some other dreamers here also possess. Mine vary immensely, though... either I borrow some Jewel Monster techniques, use attacks from the waking world (the kind of abilities you see on TV) or simply "energize" my emotions into an attack force. Once I was even able to shoot fire from my fingertips!
This is the ability that fails on me the most, though. However, when it does work it has some serious strength. Sometimes I can only get the attacks to work halfway.
I can also influence my dream surroundings to a very small extent. I feel this is because the worlds I enter are just as self-maintained as our own Earth is. I have no right to be "editing" them!
I also have experienced some "one-time" dream powers... such as invisibility and sonic voice. Plus I tend to walk through walls often...sometimes even ceilings and floors.
And despite the many, many times Selph has buddied up with me in my dreams, I have never seen him use any special abilities. Oh well. Who knows what the future holds?
*closes Dream Journal* I guess that's it for me, then. I apologize if that was a little long, but when I get into a subject so dear to my heart, I tend to talk a lot.
Thank you for your time! I enjoyed reading up on your fantastic abilities too! <3