the spectrum heart cathedral system

Name: J L C T / Jewel Wisteria Lightraye
Age: 16 /Born 1990/ Female
Species: Human and happy for it
Favorites:: Color-Red/ Food- Tuna, blackberries, apples, carrots, brussels sprouts, lima beans/ Music- Jazz, disco, dance, Latin choir, and everything else really
Loves: God, emotions, the Jewel Monsters, the Dream World and its inhabitants, Ryou Bakura, Marik Ishtar, Chaos Zero, Selph, Davy Jones, my family, nature, music, art, cathedrals, light, quiet places, rain, everybody really
Fears: Devils, evil in general, sex, manticores, pigs, elevators that stick, losing control of myself, causing harm to others
Wishes: For the world to get along, for God’s reign to come about
Vows: Never to get married, to try to be the best person I can be, never to betray/forget the Jewel Monsters or the Dream World, to always remember Selph
Best Friends: Ryou Bakura, Marik Ishtar, Chaos Zero, Selph, Pikadove, Celebreon, Johnny C., Zim, Q-Lok, Jimmy Theed, Ben P., everybody on DA, A.M.G., A.A.A., S.S., W.P., LS, A.D., Angelbee, Davy Jones, William “Bootstrap Bill” Turner, General Grievous, Barry the Chopper, Soryuu Kaminogi)
Goals in life: To get the Jewel Monsters and the Dream World into the consciousness and knowledge of the general public, to save/convert as many villains to heroism as I can, to do whatever I can to make other people’s lives better, to go to Germany and Switzerland


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June 15, 2006
(Listening to nothing… just random things going through my head)

HOKTHAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…um, yeah.
IT’S HOKTHAI TIME!!! SERIOUSLY NOW! You know how I usually spend ALL my lovely time on the J-Monsters, right? Like I did this morning… and yesterday… and the day before… drawing Sapphius and Neoeye and that bloody-murder-wings-cutie in my sketchbook? Gosh you CANNOT read this text…
Anyway though. So, last night, I came on here to type up some random storyline notes, and the Hokthai section randomly caught my interest all of a sudden. So I’m re-reading it, and I start typing more… and more... and more… and suddenly those little buggers are all I can think about! It was pretty odd…but nice. I mean I miss those guys terribly. I’ll know so much about them one day and the next… it’s gone.
I BLAME VULON. IT’S ALL HIS CRAZY I-DON’T-EVEN-KNOW-HOW-HE-FITS-IN-THE-ACTUAL-STORYLINE FAULT.
*sigh* Oh well. I can’t complain, though… they’ve influenced me just as much as the J-Monsters have. They WERE my second ever storyline, after all!! I couldn’t forget or stop caring about them even if I tried.
…That’s odd. I can’t think of anything else to write right now…
Hm. Well then, on that note, off I go to try and get through Chaos Shrine (NOT my boyfriend Chaos) in Final Fantasy and then sketch a bit more and then do HOKTHAI STUFF. YAY!
So, off I go. See you!!
<Yugi> See this, Jewel? It’s a DEADLINE. “Hokthai stuff DUE THIS AFTERNOON!!”
That’s CLIPART BTW. 0_0

THERE HE IS!!!!! 
He’s so FISHING HARD TO DRAW THOUGH.


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july 25th 2006

~THE PEOPLE I LOVE~

#1 Ryou Bakura
Who Exactly? –One of the main characters in the Yugioh anime and manga series
Age- 16, I think
How? – Let’s just call it love at first sight.
Why? – Actually, no idea. The first episode of Yugioh I ever saw was the one when Ryou’s Yami sent them all to the Shadow Realm and they all ended up in cosplay of their favorite cards. Now, being completely honest- I absolutely hated Yugioh back then because I thought it was going to completely run Pokemon out of its popularity. But-- from the moment I first saw Bakura- bam- that was it. Something clicked, and the rest is history. ♥ I became a huge Yugioh fan and I haven’t stopped liking it or Ryou since!
Notes- Ryou and I have only lost “all” contact (besides Links of course) twice-and only temporarily. The first time I actually had to leave Japan for a while, which totally isolated me. But I returned. The second time was in 2004, when in order to bring my J-Monster link back to full power I had to minimize my link with Bakura. But it’s back now, so we’re fine.

#2 Marik Ishtar
Who Exactly? – Another Yugioh character.
Age- 16 also, I think
How? – My brother likes him, and even though I didn’t like him at first, after a while I became attached to him too. And guess why I was against him at first? 4Kids! They dubbed that one scene in the alley so in the scene afterwards it looked like Marik had slashed Bakura’s arm, not Yami-B! A simple misunderstanding- that could’ve been avoided with correct dubbing! That’s why not many people like 4Kids!
Why? – He’s another *click*. He’s also incredibly nice if you really look at him. And he’s not evil, His Yami is. Sure, he can be a little Yami-ish at times, but hey, aren’t we all? Also, Marik always makes me smile, no matter what. Half the time I don’t know why either… but hey, when you really love somebody, I guess that really doesn’t matter. ♥
Notes- Remember what I said on Bakura’s notes? Change his name to Marik’s. It’s the same thing here.

#3 Chaos Zero
Who Exactly?- Good question! Let me put it in ‘basic’ terms… He’s the liquid guardian angel of the Chao and the Master Emerald, but is commonly known as the “god of destruction.” I know it’s confusing, but I can’t word it anyway else. Either way I still love the guy.
Age- Over four thousand years young, in all seriousness! Yep, he’s old and I love him to pieces anyway. ♥
How?- Um, not sure. I’ve liked him for a while, but being serious friends…well, serious friends gradually becoming serious lovers, you know…that only started after I saw him in SA2. I don’t know why. Weird, isn’t it?
Why?- I seriously don’t know, but I also do know I am seriously attached to him. ♥
Notes- Chaos is basically a loner by nature, so he likes to wander often. Thank goodness, though, he usually comes wandering back to me…or eventually, me to him. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with Chaos now it’s insane… but it’s funny—Chaos is absolutely obsessed with me. Seriously now! I can’t keep him off me…literally.

#4 Selph
Who Exactly?- Remember NiGHTS into Dreams? Well, then you won’t remember Selph. The poor dude was supposedly the boss before Wizeman, I believe, but was taken out at the last minute. Links of mine revealed this was result of a traumatic event that changed Selph forever.
Age- I think Nightmaren are ageless, really. But here on Earth, he’s barely a year old. ♥ Ha ha!! Although sometimes he counts back to NiGHTS’s game debut and says he’s ten, which is quite a fitting age for my little darling. ♥
How?- Thanks to TRiPPY’s website, there was a reference to Selph’s name that triggered something in my memory and led to me drawing out an image of Selph on July 4^th. The same morning he suddenly and inexplicably appeared in my house and started following me everywhere. He’s reading this over my shoulder as I write it. Really, he is.
Why?- How would you feel if you were left for dead and forgotten shortly after your life had just begun? Well. You’d need a friend, that’s what, and that’s who I am for him. ♥ I love him so much, though. He’s completely changed my life- seriously- and he’s always helping me to become a better person. Selph means a heck of a lot to me and I never want to lose him. And he’s so darned CUTE! *hugs him to death*
Notes- Selph has nearly no memory of his past before the incident that changed his life, and the time period from then until he met me he spent slowly turning into a lunatic…or something close to one. He seems to have regained his sanity as of now, although he still enjoys biting people’s heads from time to time. Although Selph may have been a murderous lunatic back in the day, those ten years or so he spent losing his mind and memory in his cathedral opened the doors for him to start a new life. Thus, when he first appeared to me last year and became my constant companion, he barely knew anything about… well, anything. I’ve literally taught him the majority of what he knows. What’s funny, though, is that he keeps teaching me new things. I love having him around all the time. ♥ He’s the best Nightmaren ever.

#5 Davy Jones (Often “Davy fishing Jones” in rantings, journals and the like, for emphasis)
Who exactly? –You know when an angry pirate throws you over the side of a boat he says you’ll be going to Davy Jones’ Locker? Well, this is the guy that owns said locker! Oh, and he’s Captain of the Flying Dutchman too. For more information on this lovely sea devil go watch Pirates of The Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest. Seriously! It’s awesome. Mostly because of Davy. At least for me, that is.
Age- I have no idea, actually. Pretty darn old, though, I would guess, as he’s doomed to captain that infamous phantom of a ship for eternity and all… and he’s almost 100% crab-squid! How lovely is that?
How? –I DON’T KNOW, DANGIT. It was all SUDDEN and WEIRD. And my mother and Yvette are to blame. You see, watching the movie for the first time I just thought he was one awesomely cool guy, and basically had a “Grievous-style” relationship with him (HUGE fan, but no romantics of any sort)… that IS, until mum took Vettie WITH us to see it AGAIN. So we get into the lobby, and here’s mum, swooning over the Will Turner poster in the hallway, while Yvette does the same with Jack. (Mom had done this the first time we saw the movie and laughed because she bet I would go for Davy instead of some normal guy. What she didn’t know would result from that…) Me? I take one look at squidman (again) and think something along the lines of “this guy isn’t going to get many ‘fangirls’, is he? Well, I guess I’ll pair up with him for the time being.” And it SNOWBALLED from there. I swear I was in fishing GRIEVOUS MODE (smiling WAY too much for my own good whenever he showed up on screen) concerning him the whole time, BUT-- what was really odd was that I also was feeling some weird sympathy for the guy and cheering for him instead of the heroes all of a sudden. What was so weird about this sympathy, you ask? Well, this sympathy wasn’t just me feeling sorry for him and his painful past/present and all, but in the dangerous sense where I really wanted to help him out of that life and into a new one… I didn’t want him to be a bad guy, I didn’t want him to be acting as cruel as he was, I didn't want him to lose his own soul by commandeering everyone else’s… I didn’t want him to suffer. And I wanted to help him in that aspect as much as I possibly could.
SEE?? THAT’S DANGEROUS TALK!!! THAT SOUNDS LIKE CHAOS AND I ALREADY!! SCARY!!
…Well, now that I’ve made that point, let’s just re-state the facts of things. How did I fall for Davy Jones?
I DON’T KNOW, DANGIT.
Why? – Geez I just ANSWERED that!!! Several times!!! (See sentence above for answer.) Arg. Well, let’s elaborate then, and throw aside all whatthefishness about my situation with Davy in doing so! All right. First of all, he’s uncannily good-looking for a half-squid or whatever he is, and I just have some bizarre attraction to non-humans in general (Chaos Zero being my #1 example). Plus I like his eyes. *faceslap* Listen to me here, I think I’m actually blushing or something. Fangirl! But really, he does have nice eyes. And I like his voice too, probably because of his Scottish accent…*faceslap of embarrassment again* Oh dear HEAVENS. Something is wrong with me, I know there is, with me acting like this and all, but what scares me is that I LIKE it. I LIKE feeling like this towards humanoids. I mean look at Chaos Zero!! He sneaks into my bedroom at night and goes all Casanova like it’s his JOB. And I ENJOY IT!!! In some odd little way of mine I really enjoy it when this inhuman, liquid god of destruction is passionately kissing me in public and acting like the lovesick fanboy that he is because he’s officially obsessed with loving me and I’m almost as bad. In some bizarre, inexplicable way I LIKE it when mum teases me about Ryou and Marik and Grievous and DAVY FISHING JONES.
I SWEAR I NEED PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP BUT I DON’T WANT IT.


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July 20, 2006
(listening to my songs "Sonic Inversion Something" and "iNSPiRATiON")

Today's entry font color is orangey because it’s bright, it’s visible, I’m happy, and it’s the color of GOLD! LIKE CURSED AZTEC GOLD!
Yes, like in Pirates of the Caribbean. Which is a great movie. But the sequel is much better. By the way…
I find Davy Jones attractive AMG and there’s nothing you can say about it! Hey, my mom goes nuts over Will Turner and Mrs. G over Jack Sparrow!! But Jack’s cool so I can see why. But poor Davy gets stuck with not many admirers because he’s half squid. Well, he’s a good-looking half squid in my opinion, so there. And he plays one mean organ solo…with his tentacle beard. He’s awesome like that. Go Davy!! 
All right enough about Mister Jones. Now on to why I’m so darn fishing HAPPY!
Read this and this and let’s see if you notice.
…
That’s right!!
I COMPLETELY revised Celebreon Part One AND finished the roadblock in Mewtwo Part 11 with Hematite and that Ubirnai! So now it’s on to Celebreon again. And VEZ!!  Whee! I’m already trying to remember that part after FOUR YEARS. *sob* It makes me cry, that it does, Smeagol. Yes the precious.
All right now. Oh, and mom decided to make me try out for Luzerne County FAIR QUEEN this year and its driving me CRAZY. I’m writing the entry essay for it now and it’s driving me crazy also. Arg.
Oh and I forgot how ADORABLE Tentomon was. I love his voice!!  He’s awfully cute for a digital bug. Oh and speaking of--- I’ve been thinking of LOTS of stuff between him and Izzy lately…mostly regarding to the facts that Tentomon is afraid that Izzy either 1) Cares more about his computer than his Digimon, 2) Is indifferent to the Digiworld and its inhabitants because “it’s just data”, and etc. etc. etc. and so forth. Mind you, none of that is true. Izzy does care about Tentomon, more than he does his computer in fact, and he doesn’t consider the Digimon or their world “fake” or anything, just separate from our own in a very strange, almost improbable way. But he cares. So, that’s number 3 on my list of things that have been taking over my thoughts recently. Tentomon, the Jewel Monsters, and Davy Jones. Life is good.

Oh, and guess who this is! Well, his head at least. I’ll take a picture of him in the theater and then put it on here, mark my words, because he looks much more awesomely awesome in the movie.
Oh, and this just in from Wikipedia-- He also possesses the power to summon the Kraken and speaks with a clearly distinguishable Scottish accent.
Scottish. Davy is SCOTTISH?? *bursts out laughing* Oh dear heavens. Now I like him even more!!!

Aand Captain Jack says “What the fish, eh?” Hee hee! I stuck you in here, Jack.


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August 1, 2006
(Listening to some spontaneous song in my head)

I have mental problems.
SERIOUS ones.
*snickerlaugh* No, I’m just kidding! I won’t drag you through my Davy Jones ranting again…although that was pretty amusing, eh? Jeez. Just wait until I start writing up on BOOTSTRAP. You wouldn’t believe the argument my head had with me concerning all that last night…
“Denial, denial, denial. You’re in LOVE again and you won’t admit it.”
“No, I’m not in love in that way. There are many different kinds of love, you know.”
“Sure there are, but you’re still in denial.”
“In denial about what???”
“Davy Jones!!”
Yeah. Kind of like that! But… my head had a point, you know. Why in heavens name do I fishing fall in love with EVERYBODY I meet in some way? Is my heart that overloaded with emotion or what?
It’s an awfully good question to mull over…with a bottle of rum, of course. *Is shot*
But anyway! Um… how do I get a good start into wording what I’m feeling…hmm…oh yes!
Why the fish have I been so love-obsessed since fishing kindergarten??? Seriously! Look back at me then. Even before I met the Jewel Monsters, I had the Jewel Aliens, the Jewel Bats, Zimbo the Alien, Batty, Flipper, etc. etc. etc. and I loved them all dearly—in that lovely best friend sort of way. And I still do! Geez, if I had met him for the first time recently, I swear Zimbo would have been #5 by now. SERIOUSLY. HE’S SO DARN CUTE. I totally adore Zimbo though. 
HOWEVER. Little kids have this unparalleled sort of innocence to their love so that, even if it’s something much more serious than friendship, they won’t know it, and they’ll still be unconditional. It’s amazing.
And my problem is that I’ve KEPT some of that. I remembered that yesterday night when I insisted to my mind that Davy was “just a friend” and she shot back, “Oh, ‘just a friend,’ eh? You do remember the last time you said that about somebody, right? You insisted Chaos Zero was just a friend EVEN after your first *incident*, and look at the two of you now!!”
Scary truth, huh? It WORRIES me. Oh, and by the way, Chaos fully convinced Davy and Bootstrap that he’s seriously mental last night because he was listening in on my argument just so he could hear what I was saying about him and why. And he found it highly amusing whenever he was used as the extreme in a comparison. I’m telling you, he’s even more love-obsessed that I am!! But I still love him, of course. 
I think I’ve worried Bootstrap and Davy, though, because judging by their reactions to my lovely fight, I’d say they’re both in similar situations to mine or something. Davy especially.  Hee hee. I think I’ve been on his ship for way too long.
But getting back to my point…you know, concerning the many types of love I have. Well, first off is ‘best best friend’. You know, like AMG, AAA, Celebi, and Angelbee. Where I deeply care about them and enjoy being around them but there are zero romantics. (Of course not, as this group is all girls…)
The second is another ‘best friend’ group, but concerning guys, like Billy, Alex, Master Sean and Mewachu… Barry the Butcher, even! This group is different from the first because, since this group consists of guys, my over reactive mind tries to stick the idea of romance in, although there IS none. Which drives me absolutely mad!! Oh well. I think Bootstrap and Grievous fit in here too. They’re both incredibly good friends of mine and I love them very much in that respect, but there’s nothing romantic. Opposed to what my head thinks, but my head is WRONG. SHE IS VERY WRONG. Oh well moving on…  
Now on to the third group, which would be family--Family meaning mom, brothers, etc. Very very close, more so than friends, and I care about them immensely, but, once again, no romantics obviously.
The fourth group is Selph only because he’s the only guy who fits the category. He’s a best friend AND a family member, but is inching dangerously close to group five. Meaning, I love him like a friend and little brother, but somehow sincere romantics are showing up in our relationship. SOMEHOW. We just love each other way too much, I guess…one example of this being our super-long goodnights.
“You in your cathedral, Selph?”
“Yep! But it doesn’t have a BISHOP’S CHAIR yet.”
“Oh, sorry about that, dear. I promise if I go lucid that’s the first thing I’ll do.”
“Good. Now just try to go lucid,
because you always forget.”
“Yeah, I know, I know. Oh well. Love you, Selph.”
“I love you too, Jewel. Goodnight!”
“Goodnight, sweetheart. Oh, and look for me in your dreams tonight!”
“I will! You look for me, too!”
“All right, Selph. Good night.”
“Good-night!”
And they go LONGER if I’m not careful. Recently I’ve been telling him that if he runs into Davy in his dreams to tell him that I’m looking for him and/or get me over there as soon as possible. I’ve only been seeing references to Captain Jones, but not Davy himself. Oh well. There’ll be more on him later. Now on to category five!!
Category five…is the serious one. If somebody’s in category five, that means I am, truly and seriously, romantically in love with them. So far this group consists of Ryou Bakura, Marik Ishtar, and Chaos Zero. That’s IT. However, category six…
Category six is, well, Davy fishing Jones. Arg. “Oh! Wait-- he’s a guy and a friend,” you say, “but you’re not in love with him or anything, so…shouldn’t he be category two? Or if you think you’re starting to love him, category 4?”
No, neither. Because the stuff I do with him is… *pained to say so because she’ll be agreeing with her head* …um, a little more slightly romantic than anything I would do with Selph, and for heaven’s sakes I’m acting like a fishing FANGIRL around the guy!! I swear he drives me up the wall, he does.
…
All right, let’s drop EVERYTHING hindering this conversation like I did yesterday and get my crazy ranting point across. Kind of like AMG did concerning Misty once… OH GOOD HEAVENS I’M BECOMING AMG HERE. Dear heavens. But, as I said, here I go, to get this off my chest once and for all. Before I become Davy himself. You know, cutting out my heart and putting it in a chest? But I’m not that far in yet, so… *ahem*
All right. I think I covered most of this insane emotional ranting last night, but I left out the part where I drag myself out of my alleged “denial” and into realization of what I’m really feeling…which I’m not sure of. Jeez, I was NEVER like this before. I mean, Ryou and Marik I just, wham, fell in love with them. Chaos Zero may have started out as a “just a friend,” but once I REALLY realized why in heaven’s name my heart felt so odd whenever I thought about him was that because I was deeply, madly, seriously in love with the guy. I mean, even now I’m getting those weird shockwaves. I swear the two of us are WAY too close. Maybe.
But now back to my ranting about Davy. First off…
WHAT the HECK am I feeling here?? I mean, I KNOW what serious love feels like, I’m in it right now, but not only have I felt my own various emotions I’ve felt everyone else’s, from Mewtwo and Dakeep to Brago and Sherry to Devonal and Jenny. They’re all different, but I can feel the truth there and I know what it’s like. But Davy is like CRAZY TALK HERE. I’m sitting here now, typing like an absolute maniac all morning and all the while thinking, “what IS this between Davy Jones and I, eh?? What the heck is up with me??”
Well for heavens sakes I DON’T KNOW. That’s why my brain is short-circuiting and I’m feeling like I’m twelve years old again and feeling true serious love for the first time towards Ryou. But the question is, do I love Davy or not?? Right now it feels like some deeply confused jumble between being a best friend, huge fan, faithful crewmember and romantic interest with the guy, and I’m losing my mind because of it.
*sigh* Why is it that when some bizarre new emotion takes me by surprise that my life goes entirely off-kilter? Does it screw up every other feeling in this glass heart of mine that much?
I don’t know. I really don’t. *halfhearted laugh* Hey, didn’t I have a ranting over my relationship with Chaos similar to this one? Huh. I guess it’s just a natural emotional overload reaction, ranting like this.
Jeez… it’s already 12:30… I’d better spit out whatever I’m feeling and clear up my mind for work this afternoon, or it’ll be just like last week. You know, being all preoccupied over this.
…Okay, here goes. Davy Jones. I like him a lot. He’s a very good friend of mine, heck, an incredibly good friend of mine, and the best captain a pirate could ask for. I care about him a lot, maybe a little too much for my own good… maybe WAY too much for my own good… It’s Grievous times ten here, with some wild card thrown in just for the heck of it, just to screw up what I’m feeling. Majorly screw up what I’m feeling.
Dear heavens why am I so nervous here…am I really in denial? I’ve never been in denial before. It feels really odd. *laugh* It feels really painful, you mean. I’m afraid I’m getting awfully close to having my own “dead man’s chest” here, and not just because of my current four…mostly because of my wild card captain here.
All right. Closing up, or trying to… I do love Davy, but I don’t know exactly how. One thing’s for sure, I’m in way too deep for it to be healthy, I’m obviously attracted to him in some weird psychotic way, and right now my little glass heart is about to freaking explode. Like painfully explode. And when that happens, well, I’m sure you know what happens to me. Arg. I’m getting dangerously worked up over this and I really want to just settle the score and admit to myself what the heck is going on with this situation but the lethal problem is that I don’t know how to answer it. I don’t know what’s going on. (How many times have I said that already?) But, I guess all I can do is try. I already admitted much more about what I’m feeling than I thought I could admit, but it’s the last part—you know, the part where I conclude EVERYTHING I’ve been obsessing over with a few final words—that gets me…because I don’t know the words. I don’t know the words. I don’t…
…This is going to go on forever, you know. Just take a deep breath and spit it out and this’ll all be over. You know how you freeze up and get all overemotional like this when all you want to do is say that last thing, and you CAN say it, you WANT to say it, but it won’t come out. Maybe I just need to review a few old feelings first, then I’ll be able to tackle the new ones, eh? Well then, let’s try it.
I’m in love with Ryou Bakura. I have been since I was 12 years old, and I always will be. No matter what anyone says, I’ll always love him for who he is and what he’s made me. I’m going to love him forever… because he’s that important to me. He’s like my angel, and I love him so much.
Bakura, remember those times back when we first met? When we felt we were the happiest teenagers in the entire world just because we were next to each other? We were so much in love, and still are. I love you Ryou. You’re my best friend and my true love, and you always will be.
Wow…he means more to me than I realized...
See? That wasn’t so hard once you started typing. Now you want to KEEP typing.  So on you go.
Now it’s the Pharaoh’s turn. You know, Marik Ishtar? Well, I’m in love with him too. Not like those fangirls that he’s plagued by, but as in true, sincere love, where I’d give my life for him… but I haven’t gotten the chance to yet. I feel that if I do maybe I’ll be closer to him because I really want to be. I really do love him.
And that’s the truth, you know. Marik, if I’ve ever done anything to make you sad or feel forgotten, I’m so sorry. You know I’d do anything for you. I really do love you.
Chaos Zero…you’re the major one, aren’t you? But why is that? Why is it that now we’re more in love than I ever thought possible but when we met, you were just an acquaintance to me? Maybe you rubbed off on me. I know how much you love me, and I love you just as much in return. And I don’t care if you’re not human. I don’t care what you’ve been in the past. I don’t care if you’re 10,000 fishing years older than me, I love you with as much of my heart as I can possibly give you, and I want you to always remember that, no matter what. I really, truly, sincerely love you, Chaos. Please don’t ever leave me.
Selph dear. I love you too, sweetheart!!  We might not be as romantic as my other three, but you do mean a whole lot to me, more than I realize, I think. I mean, you’ve really changed who I am in the year you’ve been with me, and I love having you around. Thank you for being my Nightmaren, because I’m the happiest dreamer I know for that reason.  And I promise I’ll do everything I said I would once I find you in a dream. Look for me sweetheart!!
Davy Jones. Oh dear. Four lovers later and I end up worrying like I am over you, of all people! Who would’ve thought? I know I sure didn’t! You came as a total surprise. I never expected to end up here.
But, here I am, and there’s no leaving until I say what I came here to say, so…
Um, well. It is harder than I thought, you know. But hey, I’m not going to just leave you waiting again with only cold-hearted denial to look forward to. I’m going to try and say what I’ve been meaning to. Or what I’ve been hiding from. Both, actually…because you see, in some strange way, I think I love you too.
There, I said it! Kind of…But I can’t just walk away like that, that’s the problem. Hmm…
You know, Davy, I can’t help but wonder how you’d react upon reading this. Sure, I know you’ve had a serious lover in the past and probably still feel like you did towards her (although you try not to), but being that inexplicably charming squid that you are, you’ve got another girl to worry about now…me.
Yes, yes, me. I’m admitting all of this stuff, you see? I’m admitting that I like you. Not just that though… I’m admitting that I enjoy being a Flying Dutchman pirate way more than I should. I’m admitting that you drive me up the wall with this emotional confusion you cause me, and yet, I don’t dislike you one bit for it.
I think…um… I think I’m admitting that… somehow, I’ve ended up where… no, that’s not it… *sigh*
I’m admitting that I think I… wait, if I say that I’ll just be denying this again. I’m ending this here.
Davy Jones…
I’m admitting that I love you.
 

 

THERE I SAID IT!!!!! NOW I’M NOT IN “DENIAL” ANYMORE! TAKE THAT, ALTER EGO.
GOOD HEAVENS THAT WAS HARD.
But I said it, and that’s the point. PLEASE don’t ask me to type it again; I think I’ll have a heart attack if I even try. But the words have been typed. They’re WRITTEN DOWN now, and whenever something is written down, ESPECIALLY on a thought page, especially on THIS page, that means whatever was written is true.
Good heavens I have serious mental problems…
…And good heavens, I love it. 


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December 18^th, 2006
8:11 PM
Listening to Justice sing “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” all awesome-like! 

Guess what dudes? There’s only ONE WEEK LEFT UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!! 
Yeah. So make sure you GO TO CHURCH darn it because it’s a HOLY DAY and it’s CHURCH for heaven’s sakes!!!
Hm. But anyway, today’s a good day, Revenge is actually taking Christmas pictures with Justice and the Dream World Guardians (which is pretty dang crazy as he’s a bloody psychotic homicidal villain-dude), Davy Jones is out on DVD, Metabee watches soap operas, Pamoon was on air last night, I got out of school early today and I’m dreaming of a whiiiiiiiiiiite CHRISTMAS DANGIT!!!!!!!
Yep! So I hope you know the words as I’m going to sing along. 

God rest ye merry, gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay!
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas day!
To save us all from Satan’s power when we have gone astray.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
From God our heavenly Father, a blessed angel came!
And unto certain shepherds, brought tidings of the same!
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name!
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
“Fear not,” then said the angel, “Let nothing you affright,
This day is born a Savior of virtue, power, and might;
So frequently to vanquish all the friends of Satan quite!”
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding, in tempest, storm and wind!
And went to Bethlehem straight-way the blessed babe to find!
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
But when to Bethlehem they came, whereat this infant lay
They found him in a manger where oxen feed on hay!
His mother Mary kneeling, unto the Lord did pray!
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
Now to the Lord sing praises, all you within this place!
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace!
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface!
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!
God make you mighty, gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay!
For love and peace and justice will guide you on your way
To keep all hatred and revenge from leading you astray!
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy
O tidings of comfort and joy!

That’s classic for you.  The last verse is Justice’s by the way, if you couldn’t guess!
So, from Ankhcat to Beryllium to Catdragion to Daemare to Eidmonev to Fairight to Glitz to Horudog to Ioraei to Justice to Kaiteo to Lokittan to Myume to Neptune to Olympion to Pikadove to Quetzair to Raokon to Sanarai to Templachu to Unidome to Vezerai to Wingkittie to Xorane to Yezeron to Zephor, all the way to Celengel and back, have an uncannily super-special-awesomely holy white
CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!! 

“So… I guess we’re the most popular humans in the Dream World now, eh?”
“Thanks to our boyfriends, yeah.”
I smiled at Jewel’s response. She was absolutely right… if it weren’t for our romantic situations, she’d be lost in spite of her connections to this world…and… I’d probably be dead…
“Hm…” I wondered aloud. “So… what’s it like, having three boyfriends?”
Jewel smiled widely at my sudden question and shook her head. “Not three, four,” she corrected me, holding up four fingers to show it. “Selph counts now, too.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “What, you’re in love with your Nightmaren now, too?”
“Maybe,” she shrugged, still smiling. “We both love each other a heck of a lot the way it is… and he’s been a huge influence on my life… if it weren’t for him, I’d be a completely different person talking to you right now. I might not even be talking to you if it weren’t for Selph.”
“Isn’t that thanks to all your boyfriends?” I asked, a little confused.
“Oh, sure,” Jewel replied, “But Selph has really helped me be a better person. Although I don’t deny one bit how majorly my other three have affected my life.” She looked down and smiled, sighing. “Ryou mostly. If it weren’t for him, I might never have met the other three. It’s amazing how fast and how deeply we fell in love… mostly because I was only 12 years old when I did…” She laughed. “Twelve!! And I’d have laid my life down for him in an instant.”
“Yeah, you fell in love pretty early,” I laughed also. “And you keep falling in love, too.”
“Oh, I know, I know!!” Jewel exclaimed, smiling. “I just can’t help it. They’re all just so… well, something about all of them… we were just destined to be together. If we weren’t, well, who knows what life would be like now…” Her smile faded and a sad expression took its place. “Marik might have tried to take over the world again… his Yami would probably have come back, probably would’ve killed him… he would’ve stumbled back into a heck of a lot of trouble either way…and Chaos… he might… he might’ve…” Jewel put a hand to her forehead, her eyes suddenly shining with tears. “…I’m sorry…I really don’t want to think about it…”
I could only look back at her sadly as she tried to fight the tears. “…It’s all right, Jewel. I understand.” I said at length.
“Yeah, you do,” Jewel answered, smiling through the pain. “You really do.” She straightened up again, facing me with a knowing look. “Thanks, Jen.”
I smiled. “No problem. We both need someone to talk to about this kind of stuff, and, hey, we’re the only two girls around who have experienced these kind of things…”
“Yeah,” Jewel said, looking down. “Not that I want anyone else to have to experience them, you know… at least not the pain part…and we’ve both had our share of pain, eh?”
I laughed sadly. “Mm-hmm…but there’s always more coming, you know…”
Jewel laughed once, but it came out more like a sob. “Tell me about it…” I looked over at her, puzzled. “If I could take that pain away from him… if I had to die to take that pain away from him, so he’d never have to suffer like that again… then I’d do it. I’d gladly do it.” She wasn’t holding the tears back now.
“Chaos Zero,” I said knowingly, as Jewel put a hand over her mouth, eyes shut tight. Trying to keep from crying.
“I’m sorry, Jen…” she managed to apologize. “I’m so sorry. I’m probably making you remember things too…”
I smiled sadly. “Just a little…it’s all right, though. Don’t worry about it.” I told her.
She had both hands folded tightly across her chest now, trying to hold back the sobs. It was amazing…how much pain they suffered because of each other… and they only loved each other even more because of it…
…Just like D and I.
We’ve known each other for three years now… a little longer than Jewel knew Chaos…and we were just as bad.
I never thought, in my entire life, I would fall in love as deeply as I had with him… and that’s the odd part. D wasn’t even human. He was a Jewel Monster, as they were called… strange but amazing beings that lived here, in the Dream World. He had come to Earth to try and keep his world’s immense war from spreading there, and that’s how I had met him.
It’s funny… thinking back on those early days…I had thought of him as just some new guy in the school… but still, he was different, in some way. Not just in that he was nicer to me that any other person I had met, not just that he was just as alone as me…
He became my first true friend-- and I knew it was the same for him. It was amazing back then just how happy I was around him, how much we trusted each other, how he made me feel like my life was worth something for once.
And then that fateful day came along. He told me everything… what he was, where he was from, why he was here. And, surprisingly… I didn’t care. To tell the absolute truth, I loved him even more for it- for trusting me with his secret, for risking everything by telling me. I loved him even more because he was this creature he said he was… and because he had loved me for who I was. But…
…I wanted to be like him. I wanted to become what he was, whatever he was. And not just so we’d be similar in that way… but so I could be closer to him in that way, so I could stay with him for the rest of my life.
That was what I wanted. It was what he wanted, too. And I will never forget the night it actually happened… I had never been so happy in my entire life.
I was that much in love with him. And I’ve stayed that way through everything…
It was because of a war that we met, after all, so I could only end up caught in it sooner or later. Because I had fallen in love with a wanted man, I had the most feared being of his world after my life… and after his. That was the first time I felt the pain… the kind of agonizing pain in your heart that comes from you realizing the truth…that because of my love, he would have to suffer… and I would suffer because of his.
It seemed that was the way relationships went in the Dream World. But, in spite of that, everybody was talking about D and Jenny. We were so much in love, in spite of everything—in spite of his terrible past, in spite of the pain we brought each other, in spite of all possible consequences, we only loved each other even more.
And then Jewel fell in love with Chaos Zero, and I realized that, compared to them, we had it easy.
You see, on the surface, both our relationships looked the same- but on the inside, I could only look on in amazement at what they had to go through, and wonder how in the world they had survived this long.
Sure, D and I had to fight XX constantly, but they did too, even if it wasn’t directly. But… not only did Jewel have to fight the forces of evil…
…She also had to fight her boyfriend.
You see- Chaos had a bit of a problem. Whenever his negative emotions became too powerful for him to handle, whenever they went out of control… he went Perfect.
Perfect... You say that word around either of those two and they’d start to cry. Just like Jewel was now. It was their biggest weakness—their enemies could either threaten Jewel to the point where Chaos lost control, or simply force him into that dreaded transformation… and that happened more often than they could handle…
It obviously hurts Jewel terribly. She literally has almost died—and actually did once, that’s a long story—several times already, all for the sake of protecting or saving Chaos.
Because when he went Perfect… it wasn’t Chaos in control anymore. He would turn into a monstrous creature existing only to destroy, to cause total Dastation. And when he finally came back to his senses—usually by force—he was an emotional wreck.
D could relate, I thought sadly… he was possessed for 14 years, after all…
I can only imagine how it must feel to see the person you love suffer like that again and again… and to not be able to do anything about it! Just thinking about what D had to go through before I met him hurt like you wouldn’t believe…
I wish I could take that pain away from him… or the memories, of the terrible things he was made to do…
What must it feel like to live with such painful thoughts haunting you?
“…Jenny?”
“Huh?” I said, startled, as I looked back up at Jewel. She had stopped crying, but was now looking at me concernedly.
“Jen, sweetheart, you’re crying. What’s wrong?”
“Oh,” I managed to say, surprised when I realized there really were tears in my eyes. Wow… I hadn’t even noticed. I must really have been deep in thought…
“Oh, Jewel?” I suddenly asked, as I wiped the tears from my face. “A-are you all right now?”
“Oh, sure,” she said sadly. “I’m sorry, I just get so worked up sometimes… especially over what happened recently…”
“You don’t have to tell me if it hurts, Jewel,” I said quickly as I noticed the pain in her eyes. But the pain suddenly faded as they widened and she looked at me in total shock. “You mean you haven’t heard about it?” She asked me, stunned.
“…Um…no, I haven’t…” I managed to reply, a little embarrassed. How the heck fast did word get around the Dream World? Either that, or how far behind was I in the news?
Jewel made a small sort of laugh and looked off to the side. “Well,” she began, “It’s about Chaos and I, obviously.” I nodded, smiling.
Jewel took a deep breath and sighed loudly. “All right, Jen, if I start crying while I’m telling you this, then just ignore me and tell me to keep talking.”
I laughed. “All right, Jewel.”
She smiled back sadly before closing her eyes. She took another deep, painful breath, and suddenly continued. “—Eggman took control of Chaos again.”
“What??” I exclaimed. Before Jewel had met Chaos, when he was still a creature of destruction, he was under the control of a wannabe super villain named Eggman. Eggman had been trying to get Chaos back to use in his evil schemes for quite some time now, but always failed by one way or the other. The only problem now was that Eggman wasn’t a wannabe anymore. He was really becoming a formidable, cruel opponent.
“It’s true,” Jewel said painfully. “He—I don’t know how it happened, but—he brainwashed him or something, and he turned back into the way he was before we got together…”
She was stumbling over her words now, obviously shaken even by the memories. “It was… it was terrible. He was with Eggman in the city, so I immediately knew something was wrong, but when he didn’t recognize who I was, I just… I…I couldn’t…” She stopped, her eyes flooded with tears. Suddenly she smiled at me. “Jen, you’re supposed to tell me to shut up now,” she said sadly.
“Oh, sorry,” I laughed weakly, but I couldn’t help but feel amazedly worried. What that must’ve felt like…!
Jewel closed her eyes. “Well, anyway, I figured I could snap him out of it, but Eggman sent his robots on me so I couldn’t move. Then… he had an Emerald…” She choked back a sob. “Before I knew it, he had given it to Chaos, and… I knew we’d be suffering through hell again pretty soon.” Her voice had become hard, but it was still breaking. My own expression saddened, half in pity, half in horror. I knew what she meant. Not only did negative emotions cause Chaos to go Perfect, but Chaos Emeralds did too… except a lot slower, and in a much more painful way…
“So… what’d you do?” I asked quietly, afraid but curious as to her answer.
She looked up at me. “I couldn’t do anything,” she replied emptily. “Then, of course, Sonic showed up, and what do you know, he had an Emerald too. So guess who got it soon after that?”
I didn’t reply. I could only look at her suddenly blank, drained expression. It was always a problem when that happened…. when you felt life was just too painful to go on with…
She sighed. “So Chaos was in his second stage now. Turns out that was all Eggman needed, so he decided to leave. The only problem was that he knew how to teleport now, so he didn’t have to go up in some little ship instead. So I panicked, as I wanted to save Chaos but had no idea where they were going, so I pulled a sneak teleport on them and rode the wave.” She looked up at me. “You know, to teleport while concentrating on their own transportation wave, so you go exactly where they did.”
I nodded, but was too concerned to let her continue just yet. “Jewel… are you sure you’re okay?” I finally asked.
It was as if she was released from a spell. Her expression suddenly flooded with emotion and she broke into sobs.
“I’m sorry,” she managed to reply through her tears, “I’m so sorry…it’s just that it’s too much for me sometimes, so I try to ignore it, but…I can’t. I just can’t.” She sobbed again, harder than before. “It just hurts so much…it hurts so much…”
I didn’t know what to say. I had never lived through something as openly terrible as what Jewel was telling me she lived through. But even as I thought upon this, she bravely straightened up, took a deep, shaking breath, and went on.
“Anyway,” she continued, so abruptly that I would’ve laughed if our situation wasn’t so painful, “I ended up somewhere inside their ship…in a back room, like a storage room or something. Chaos and Eggman were just outside the door- I could hear them. I immediately turned invisible when I heard Eggman say to himself he was searching for Sonic and my whereabouts, so he knew he wouldn’t be followed. He couldn’t find me. That got me worried at first, but when he didn’t elaborate on it, I calmed down a little. Well, as much as I could in my current situation…” She smiled weakly. “Anyway, Eggman tracked down the next Emerald by using the two already in Chaos, so we were beginning to head after it. And… I’m not sure what happened then, but… for some reason Chaos came into that room where I was.”
“What? Really?” I asked as she nodded. “Well… what did you do?”
“I nearly died, that’s what,” she said as her expression saddened even more. “The look on his face was just so empty, so confused…it really hurt to see him like that. But he kept looking around that back room until he finally left, and I wondered if he had sensed me in there or something. That’s when it hit me.”
I blinked, taken by surprise at this statement. “What?”
She looked at me, a remnant of that hope in her eyes as she spoke. “The Chaon Ruby. That’s the only way he could’ve felt me there, even in his current condition. I could only pray Eggman hadn’t taken it out of him somehow, that he had overlooked it or simply forgotten… so, for the first and hopefully last time in my life, I wanted to see him hit Chaos 3.”
“W…why?” I managed to ask.
She continued, almost excitedly now. “Well, as Chaos 4 he gets a visible central spine and tail from the Emeralds, so Chaos 3 should start the spine in his upper back or something…and if the Ruby was still in him, it should affect that transformation in some way.” I nodded, understanding, as she suddenly sighed. “It would undoubtedly hurt, as he shouldn’t have the two in him at the same time, the Ruby and those Emeralds. But it was the only way for me to know if I could possibly save him in that way or not.”
She looked back up. “Anyway, Eggman happened to find two Emeralds then… both within a relatively small area, and not that far away either. So, obviously, he decided to go down and get them. However,” her eyes glanced down again, “If Sonic and the others knew about those Emeralds too, he’d have a bit of a problem getting them for himself. So he decided to check the area for them again. I left the back room as he did… I was still invisible, but I wanted to know what he was up to. He couldn’t find Sonic or the others on the scanner, so I figured that was all he needed, but then… he decided to scan for me.”
“For you?” I asked incredulously.
“For me,” she asserted, a serious expression on her worried face. “Now that was a problem. Sure, he was going to find me, I was right there! So what was I going to do?”
Jewel suddenly stopped, a sort of grim nervousness washing over her. “I was going to do something insane, that’s what.” The words came out incredulously, exasperatedly. 

(Me telling about the third emerald and such, the others nearby, sonic showing up again, etc. and such. Don’t forget about when I had to teleport again, but had to stay in mid-space for a painful amount of time (as I didn’t know where to teleport to) and ended up going into skull jester morph as a result. So on and so forth, Chaos ended up still having the Ruby in him after all, thank heavens,  so that helped me a lot. I think Knuckles or somebody has another Emerald, because I think Chaos gets to his 5^th form there, and it’s really freaky looking… a cross between his fish stage and that mutant thing for his 6^th. Something happens where he senses me again, goes to hit me, but I turn blue invisible so his hand goes right through me. I’m an emotional mess right about then, as I’m in a lot of pain and have no real idea as to how the heck I’m going to save Chaos from himself THIS time. Anyway, we end up back on Eggman’s ship, so I basically sit next to him, not really caring if he tries to kill me anymore, but caring too much to give up on him. Such and such and such… I don’t remember anything after that, I’ll try to tonight and write it tomorrow, or Tuesday… I think at one point Chaos hits his Ultimate Negative (Perfect Infinite), but that might’ve been just a worry of mine. It’d be scary if he did, and however the heck that would happen, he’d have to have gone Perfect already… which isn’t good, I don’t want him to go Perfect again… *sigh* Oh well. Thank goodness I just don’t remember this lovely little escapade, since it’s over already but my mind’s a blur, so I’m as happy as can be after living through all that crap, you know. So now Chaos and Marik and Bakura can complain about rabid fangirls and love at first sight and sneaky tricks involving homunculi (which was terribly funny) like they did this afternoon, as Jenny and D stare at us like we’re absolute lunatics, which we are. It’s funny though. D wants to catch up to Chaos relationship-wise, but heheh, Chaos keeps taunting him that he can’t because he and I have all those weirdo abilities and he doesn’t, which is true. Oh, and D teasing Chaos that he probably wants to marry me already but there’s no priest psycho enough to marry us, and everyone just basically arguing over my strict “no marriage” thing and all because it’s too dang awkward and besides I’ve already vowed myself to God, plus I’m a celibate but if I ever did have the possibility of getting married I couldn’t possibly rule out Ryou and Marik and Selph because I love them all too… oh well see you later.)

(That’s right, it’s Tuesday, and although I have to write down all the important things I wrote on Sunday (see the other hidden paragraph above), I remembered a few more things yesterday that I’m going to forget otherwise. All right. First off, when Chaos hits 6, later on he ends up in the same city where he first met Sonic. Funnily enough, Sonic happens to be there when Chaos and Eggman arrive. So am I of course. Anyway, there’s a fight of sorts, but I don’t remember anything of that… only thing is, at the end, Eggman ends up secretly and/or suddenly having the seventh Emerald. I’m not sure if he sneakily found it in the city nearby while Sonic and the gang were fighting Chaos 6, he might’ve, either that or he had it all along and was waiting until then to use it for whatever evil reason. Probably. Either way, I don’t think Chaos stays Perfect for long, thank God. Mostly because I freak out and, well, you know, become an emotional mess like I usually do when that happens. Anyway, I start frantically thinking up a way to get him the heck back to normal as fast as I could, not caring what the risk would be to me. So, take a guess at what I did? Yep—pulled my infamous Incident #2 trick: from the first time I ever had to face Perfect Chaos, and my first spontaneous, painful, and insane- but effective- strategy to revert him back… a suicide dive. Yep, that’s right… went Cherubell, flew into him and attacked directly. Well, it’s a miracle neither of us died or were hurt too bad… mainly Chaos just turned Perfect Angel from the emotional overload attack I had blasted into him from the inside… not to mention his Chaon Ruby would act as a receptor/amplifier for that, with my Millennium Crystal and such… but back to the point. It’s the first crazy idea that comes to my mind, and since I’m so heartsick and don’t want to see Chaos suffer through this crap for a second longer, I do it again. And… it works. Eggman is furiously stunned, as he had no idea I’d done that before and that it actually worked, and well, neither of us died from it either. Only problem is, I’m absolutely drained from the explosion of energy and Chaos is in terrible condition. This is because it was the Chaos Emeralds that caused him to go crazy this time (I don’t think that was ever the case before… it was usually from negative emotional overload… I’m not sure about that one time in this same city when Sonic caught us together afterwards… he heh!!), unlike all the other times before. Anyway, the seven Emeralds are all over the street area (wherever the heck we are), and there’s a significant amount of blood too, although I’m not sure whose, probably both Chaos’ and mine. However, even though he’s back to Chaos 0, his eyes are still terribly blank, and I realize he’s not back to himself yet. This delivers a crushing blow to me as I’m really at a loss now. But before I can do anything else, Eggman tells him to fight me or destroy me or something like that… I think he might’ve even convinced Chaos that I was the enemy…but, whatever it was, Chaos suddenly turns black and nine wings appear on his back—one really freakish one that does not look like it should be there. I mentally freeze, terrified and really beginning to panic—he’s gone Perfect Infinite. That form is possibly even worse than his normal Perfect transformation, as although he’s still himself in that form, his negative emotions completely take over, so it’s a lot harder to get him out or stop him. Anyway, he immediately starts fighting me. Initially he takes me by surprise, and keeps moving so insanely fast I can barely fight back, which I do, but not much. Anyway, at one point I hit the ground and can’t summon the strength to get up. Chaos stands in front of me, not doing anything. Eggman starts screaming at him, saying “don’t just stand there” and telling him that if he killed me than there would be no one powerful enough to stop him or Chaos, and they would have absolute power. I suddenly realize a frightening juxtaposition in this situation to a very infamous one with the J-Monsters. (You know what I’m talking about.) I’m starting to cry now, not much at first, but it’s the kind of crying that just inevitably comes on from that terrible, agonizing pain in your heart, the kind you get when someone you love is suffering and it seems that, no matter what, you can’t do anything to help them. (The hurt is comparable to the equally unbearable pain you get when you just can’t be near someone you deeply love, and it’s too much for you to handle…maybe they’re both the same thing? …) Anyway, I end up saying (sort of to myself) “Chaos, if he’s XX, then I hope you’re D.” My point being that (if you don’t know, for whatever reason) D was being used to do evil fiercely against his will, while D’s fellow Guardian, was committing similar acts of evil willingly. And I sure as heck didn’t want Chaos to be doing what he was doing out of his own free will. And yes, Eggman’s fitting XX’s part frighteningly well. (Maybe Eggman’s involved in XX’s schemes somehow?) Anyway… my memory around here is blurry again… curse this memory… but Chaos just won’t move. Eventually Eggman screams again for him to kill me and get it over with, but Chaos suddenly says that he can’t do it. (Being totally honest… I nearly burst into tears at hearing his voice again—he hadn’t spoken at all during this whole incident, you notice, and Chaos talking again is most likely a sign he’s coming back to normal.) Eggman is, of course, stunned, as in reverting Chaos back to how he was before he met me (however he did that), he did just that—Chaos didn’t talk, his eyes were virtually lifeless and he didn’t seem to have any common sense or morality at all when he was in battle. Now Chaos is suddenly reverting back to his actual self, when he shouldn’t be, at least according to Eggman. Anyway, Eggman keeps yelling at him, but Chaos either doesn’t reply or simply says he just can’t get himself to do that to me. When Eggman demands why the heck he feels like that, Chaos can only say he doesn’t know. I’m getting pretty hopeful as I might be able to fully bring him back now, but I’m still unsure if it’ll actually happen. (It hurts when I do that… I don’t want to doubt, I want to trust, but human nature makes it hard…) Anyway, I’m still hurting terribly inside, and as a result am sort of careless yet. I start saying things to Chaos, like it didn’t matter if he killed me or not, it was his choice, his orders even, and I had no right to interfere with it…self put-downs like that. Anyway, at one point I’m just feeling terrible and stop resisting and talking altogether, but Chaos suddenly says something… I think I first tell him that he could kill me if he wanted, it’s fine with me (you can tell how far gone I am now), and he suddenly replies with “Jewel… I can’t.” I recognize the Chaos I know in his voice and I look up at him. Suddenly his black color literally just falls from him like ink, and all nine of his wings just dissipate or shatter or something… so he’s back to normal, blue Chaos Zero. But then his eyes go back to normal the way they did the first time... you know, because his irises are emerald green (the whites are light green) they just sort of phase out from it… it’s pretty neat-looking. But either way, I recognized this meant he was back. I couldn’t get myself to even say anything, though, half from emotions I couldn’t even begin to vocalize, half from fear of crying if I opened my mouth. Seems Chaos felt the same way, as he simply walked over to me and helps me up from the ground. As soon as I’m back on my feet I hug him as hard as I can, not holding back tears. Chaos holds me tightly also, but seems depressed and dazed or something… some sort of confused expression hiding nearly unbearable emotions. I notice this and ask him if he’s feeling all right. Chaos then suddenly lets go of his emotion and starts talking about what it was like when he went back to his “old self”, he wasn’t fully aware of what he was doing… as if his memory and personality had been erased, but he was still somehow that person. He apologized several times, each with a terrible sort of self-hatred, for hurting me like he did and making me suffer through that whole event anyway. I constantly stopped him mid-apology, protesting that I hadn’t even held it against him and it wasn’t his fault anyway. Our conversation goes on like this for a while, with Chaos insisting it was his fault and feeling terrible about what he did this time, and me protesting that no one held it against him, he hadn’t hurt me, I wasn’t upset with him or anything, etc. But one particular time after I told him this, he just looked up at me with this pained, regretful expression and insisted once again that there was no way to change the absolute truth; he had hurt me badly, both physically and spiritually, even if he hadn’t done so directly, and he couldn’t forgive himself for it, no matter what I said. But I just smiled at him and replied, “Chaos, I love you…you couldn’t hurt me if you tried.” Chaos realizes how sincerely true my words are and can only start crying again over what happened.)