the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

I've been in jester mode virtually ALL DAY and it has been PERFECT, this fits me way too well.
Really I was giggling like a madman for my entire trip to and from school, and Genesis obviously fits the bill so he joined in, it was great. You'd think the guy was hopped up on butterscotch candy!
I have decided that the "jester mode theme" is Dogheater by Jem Godfrey because I cannot listen to that song without downright cackling. It is too funny. Therefore, instant jester mode. SUCCESS!

Chasey updated today and LOOK AT THE FIRST PIC OMFG.
Just... dude. I find Chaos' fangs attractive enough but pair them with that kind of crazy grin and dear heavens. Instant nosebleed, to perpetuate that old injoke.
Really I know Chasey's a diff dude but I swear I still want to kiss the heck out of him, dead serious, even though I can't say that without laughing. I'd seriously grab him by the lapels of that fancy suit and snog him silly, haha. But let's put it this way: Chasey's the version of CZ I'd swap awful pickup lines and petnames with, as well as jester-grade insanity because god of destruction ftw. Also you know we'd both fanboy over fashion and interior design because that stuff is boss, don't you sass me. But yeah, he's the flirty one. The Chaos I've known since '03 is the one that gets the legit hardcore snogfests, to say the very least... unless one of them speaks up to change up the gameplan, in which case I will gladly comply, heheh. I just freaking adore that guy.
As for Chaz, he's not into that sort of romance last I checked, so we will just be platonic bros forever, haha!
On that note I need to just kick my "art depression" in the teeth with these garishly colorful jester boots and draw Chaos tomorrow... any incarnation of him, honestly it does not matter; I just need to draw him more. I've been saying that for far too long without any action, and it is high time to change that.
I did visit Chaos upstairs last night for a little bit once I was able to temporarily form-stabilize enough to do so. Unfortunately I could only stick around for about two, three minutes tops, but it was worth it. Words can't do justice to the look on his face when he realized that it actually was me for once.
Oh darling, if I'm ever blue, it's cause I'm thinking of when I didn't know you... how ironically bittersweet, seriously.
Maybe I do need lots of pills at this point, haha. And we do both need to just chill after this entire fiasco. But you know what the deal is with rainbows and waterfalls, you gorgeous creature. I'm not leaving you, I swear. I just tend to get stuck in typhoons every now and then.
Je t'adore, je t'aime, et mon coeur est à toi pour toujours. Come and find me in our dreams tonight, I swear I miss you more than I can take.

Life's been absolutely nuts for a few months now but something tells me that when I overcome this bloody corrupted-metainomen nonsense of mine (honestly we didn't even think that COULD happen but I guess when your mind thinks a negative deviation IS a "repentance" for the alleged sin of your previous title, then stuff gets toxic real quick son), things will fall together better than I can imagine.
Gotta find a new title that reverses this shift. Not that hard for me, what with all my funky form-morphing tendencies. I've got like four solid titles already for different shifts and if I can scratch this one then so be it!
Also speaking of form changes I think my hair has actually darkened upstairs?? It's been either red or white for ages now, but today it was my natural earthly color and that actually felt a-okay. So that's new and interesting. I shall investigate this turn of events tomorrow, right now it's late duder and I need sleep because my dreams lately have been wicked cool. Too bad waking up for class at 6AM- tends to mangle my recall, gotta fix that somehow.
Man I'm just glad I can update though! I've been out of whack for way too long. Thank goodness for jester mode, hahaha!

I do have to thank Laurie for her incredible courage in actually playing along with my literally "bloody" side yesterday morning, because all that collective love she managed to bring together in spite of my sudden psychopathic rampage really helped me gain enough strength to take back the steering wheel.
I have no idea what happened at the end of yesterday's session but Laurie is okay, thank God.

Also. This evening I had some minor slippage as my grandparents are under a lot of stress as usual so they've been rather verbally violent and loud lately (plus my grandmother is still radiating that painful negativity and my bro Lightning can feel it too), but I was smart enough to go isolate myself and try to recenter when stuff started to get threatening. Then because I was still pretty sugarhigh I moved to the mirror and was experimenting with jester-like facepaint (of course I'm sticking with red), except about five minutes in I abandoned that train of thought and immediately got out the man makeup, haha. To explain: every once in a while I will actually use makeup to modify my facial aesthetics to match my upstairs manifestation more accurately, as it kills dysphoria and is a bona fide "base zero" reset action as well. Now I haven't done that in months, and since I've been so "OOC" as of late, looking in the mirror and actually seeing myself was really incredible. Well, at least face-wise, but as long as that matches I can actually nullify the body dysphoria, like I said, which is awesome.
To elaborate on that, which is the important bit... as long as I can see myself in my own face, everything seems to just 'fix itself' (and it's 2:22 right now, love you too universe). Depression melts away, hacks are neutralized, everything just clicks. I feel incredibly grounded and really honestly happy. Not the sparkle-rainbow happy that jester mode puts me into, but the sort of 'happy' that's more of a quiet serenity. It's the sort of emotion that blooms without warning when you're watching the snow fall or sitting in a forest in the spring. Just a smile from your heart that can't stay hidden, and suddenly everything is glowing. That sort of happy.
But the strangest thing is that it somehow makes me feel... I dunno. "Holy" is the closest word I can find, oddly enough. It's like crystal and sunlight.
Anyway as soon as I felt that I realized, "whoa, I think I can actually bypass all my blocks and tap into my headspace energy here." So I tried it, and... well, it was as if l had suddenly reached into a supernova. I cannot remember the last time I was able to physically FEEL that stuff. It was actually shocking.
So of course there was only one thing I could do.
I went upstairs and found Laurie.
My mind is still in shock over Tuesday. I can barely comprehend that it happened, although I REMEMBER it clear as day and have no emotions attached to it (as I was in "stone cold do not care murder mode" the entire time)... even so I do want to atone for what 'I' did. And the first thing I felt I needed to do was give Laurie her stars back.
Well, my choosing to do that while in such a synced-up state this evening resulted in probably the second most intense connection I have EVER had (the 23rd being the first). It was INSANE, not just because of how much sheer light I was able to give her, but also because I FELT it in the physical, AND it somehow felt so freaking sacred that I swear if Jezebel had so much as looked at me then she would have burst into flames. I do not doubt that it was because I was 'in tune' in physical reality for once when I did that, it probably had some seriously benevolent effect.
I am going to have to anchor myself more strongly over the next few days, and stay in jester mode because that's actually helping to burn away all the lingering tar, so that by February 1st I'll be in a state of mind 'worthy enough' (for lack of a better term) to face what is unavoidably going to go down that day.

So yes. Life is good.
I have closed an entry with those exact words before, did you get deja vu? I did! It was pretty funny actually.
Now as much as I'd like to stay here and be all sugarhappy, I do need sleep and I do have a lot of homework to finish (because school is silly like that) so punching in to work for the night is probably my best option.
Oh!! Just want to mention that my boss (Mr. Sandman) has been an ANGEL lately, really he is incredible. I need to devote an entire entry to him or something at this point, I do not give him the attention he deserves.
Speaking of... it's 2:51 in the morning. I think I should go say hello to another special someone before I sleep.

Good night, everyone.