090317

Sep. 3rd, 2017 11:14 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)


06:28 pm

type about this stuff=


world jump devices
AND
lc lw resonance
ROSEWINDOW CONCEPT TYPING!!!!
write EVERYTHING you feel about saved photos
IN EVERY LEAGUEFOLDER WHY THE HECK NOT

★UNICORN PRINCESS= IMMUNE TO POISON!!!!

feredroni nurse= ANTISEPTIC/ ANTIVIRUS/ BLEACH????

"DREAMFLESH" jackal form

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06:42 pm

 

"how many games do you have to trade in at gamestop until they give you a gf?"

"you just have to give them your copy of sonic adventure 2 battle but it’s not worth it imo"

"...i said games not priceless heirlooms"

#jay's post #pretty much #joke's on you gamestop that game is what made me fall hard for chaos zero #god bless multiplayer mode

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08:06 pm


you see a tiny sign planted in the ground. bending down to read, you just make out, in impossibly tiny script
“a mundane clump of dirt; much beloved by god, like any other”

 

#i will reblog this forever #favorite #quote #hey kyo #system spirituality #dirt #for jessica #for all our damaged fronters #to the system from the system with love

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11:00 pm


sunday sept 3.

no church today, BUT.
early morning stething. oh dear god.

went for a run earlier.
ollie and kris (I assume) made that awesome southern breakfast again so when we got back, we went out and ate it on the porch.
jay held his anubis form to do so, as he's untouchable by the e.d. like that? also he says he's actually very fond of the liver like that. makes sense. not just dogs being mostly carnivorous but also the organ meat thing. no surprise
he's VERY in tune with the cosmic sense of things.
he said his skin is like space? like it's not quite "solid." it's BLACK ENERGY. all stars and infinite expanse somehow. which is super cool.

talked about oneircia and rosewindow to oliver.
SO MUCH INSPIRATION.

talking about the long-awaited and imminent massive system shift.
leagueworld resonance without losing who we are-- instead, EXPANDING to be greater than ever.

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night of 090317.

terrifying binge-purge session by accident. BUT we learned SO MUCH. GOOD LORD.

juniper, jason, jessica, taurus???

someone bought EVERY gluten free thing to see whether or not we like or want them. this was good. it was deliberate and chosen specifically TO teach us, to completely overcome all compulsive obligation, to form our Own opinion on it.
what we learned:
- hot sauce IS an abusive compulsion. so is the wasabi sauce, and ketchup.
- we DISLIKE the energy bars!! they were compulsory.
- we DISLIKE sugary foods in general.
- we DISLIKE potatoes. please, avoid them.
- shortbread is disliked. bad texture.
- mi-del products make us very nauseous.
- granola is disliked. old compulsion, NO roots now, thank god.
- we DISLIKE chocolate. chocolate in ANYTHING is an immediate NO.
- cereal is somewhat liked? BUT it is dangerous currently. do not buy any for now.
- we dislike honey. too much sugar.
- grits are compulsory when we make them. stop that bro
- eggs are ALSO compulsory.
- ALL "FOOD COMPULSIONS" ARE MISROUTED "ART DRIVES." it's the need to MAKE SOMETHING. when you get that feeling, GO DRAW OR TYPE.

unfortunately, someone had sugar panic and after we had a cream-filled cookie to try, they immediately ran to purge everything.
however. they DID NOT EAT EVERYTHING.
god bless them, they actually TOSSED most of it. no swallowing. good lord. that took huge amounts of courage and integrity, as well as mercy.

juniper came out at some point, with the cereal. 3am?
genesis showed up and started shouting at the deadname jess, who we are currently calling taurus/ taurea. she does NOT CARE.
however, we did NOT expect JUNIPER to show up??? she's one of the "jess splinters" and she feels a bit like jemma but she's definitely her own person. not sure of her color, but she's ALSO not the "hoban color" jess that was talking to ollie the other day.
also. CHAOS ZERO SHOWED UP GHOSTING, with genesis, and the two were doing a "good cop bad cop" sort of thing with the fronter struggle, until CZ won out and ended up talking by himself to juniper. good lord he has a heart of solid gold.
she felt trapped in compulsions. pouring out all the cereal. being constantly shoved aside by taurea, and stalwartly pushing her back out as much as she possibly could.
chaos TOLD HER SPECIFICALLY that she was hurting our body. the immediate reaction-- I think a DIFFERENT fronter-- said it was "not our body," that it was hers and what she was doing shouldn't affect us. but chaos said "we all live in your head" and that if she hurt the body enough, it would die, and we would ALL go with it, so to speak.
THAT is when juniper showed up. she ACCEPTED this, and said it was totally unfair because she didn't know how to stop BUT she didn't want to hurt anyone?
chaos told her to leave the cereal for oliver. juniper ALSO accepted this and listened. good lord the courage that took. but she WANTED to do the right thing. the ONLY struggle was in fighting the tormentor fronters.
honestly, juniper is a BADASS, despite being so unassuming. she kept pushing taurea out of the way, telling chaos "I don't want to eat this," and STOPPING. she threw out most of the binge foods so we wouldn't get sick. god bless her.

realized that taurea IS the deadname fronter AND she holds the DEFAULT BODY OVERLAY which is terrifying. that gives her WAY too much power.
HOWEVER. she is also TIMELOCKED?????????? like she still feels like she's 15, tops?? we have to check photos. definitely not 17 or 18 though.

chaos zero and genesis BOTH love juniper and SHE LOVES THEM BACK.
that is MOMENTOUS for a social fronter.

so the poor body is quite sick right now, but we survived. good god did we ever survive. we fought this war, and we lived, and we learned a HELL of a lot, and in a very real way we still won. despite the battles, despite the pain, despite the crushing fear, we were NOT suicidal, we were NOT self-abusive, we did NOT give in. we won this round.

tomorrow, and all our tomorrows from here on out, WILL be better. I know this.

the tarot cards of the day are the page of wands, AND the page of swords.
the question asked for the latter was "lesson from tonight" and of course we asked God/ the Creator/ the Source/ etc. to work through both cards to teach us.
so… both are very applicable, very hopeful, and very determined. good.


 

 

083117

Aug. 31st, 2017 11:59 pm
prismaticbleed: (held)

 

03:07 am


"my aesthetic is making other people feel genuinely important and loved."

#you know what #this is obviously jay #but i think it applies to the vast majority of us whether we'd openly admit it or not #and that's a really achingly beautiful realization #to the system from the system with love

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04:15 am


I'm reviewing old entries from 2015 and I forgot how achingly desperately I miss everyone.

There's an old concept from Cannon's timeline, I think. The "fear of happiness." The half-cycle terror. The awful dreadful worry that, if we feel too much positivity, too much happiness, we'll become manic. Abusive. Blind. Lost. Hedonistic in the bad way-- obsessed with selfish desires and an incapacity to care about others. Drowning in ignorance. All because we forgot how to bleed.
…I think that's Cannon's true anchor. It, like all of us, is rooted in the deepest aching love. She had such a deep sorrow to her heart that, quite honestly, is what obviously kept us alive during that time. When the outside was all stress and nerves and social overload and noisy hyper-interaction… when that threat of mania loomed over us, almost forced us to become like our birth mother, losing herself in that awful buzzing haze of external static… Cannon was this deep red tearful bastion standing off to the side, bleeding to scare away the devils. That's what atonement always was. Bleed out the corruption. Bleed to open yourself back up. Bleed to remember that you have a heart. Bleed to feel something deeper and truer and more fracturingly fragile than any fleeting false-joys of the day. God bless her.

But… we can't do that now. It doesn't work like that anymore, solely because we don't want to have to harm our poor battered body anymore just to say sane. Yes, we adore every scar. Yes, even knowing why we have some of them. The love that motivates every damn thing every blessed one of us ever does is still present in those marks of pain, still forever evident in the reasons why we took up a knife or a razor or anything else that bit as hard as love. Anything that broke through the veil dividing heaven and earth, dividing body and spirit, dividing inside and outside. Anything that shattered the most literal wall we could and did ever have.

…Anything that "drew blood." Dear Lord. No wonder Razor identifies as an artist. That just hit my heart like a truck.

But we can't do that now. Unfortunately. God knows how sometimes I still desperately ache to see that color painting this form again. And yet, now I also know that despite the beloved marks it leaves, it's not ideal. Not here. Not literally.

So what do we do, when we feel the crushing buzz of everyday life tightening around our throat?
…god, that hits too close to home.

We don't want to die. Not like that. Not literal sorrow-wracked death.
Maybe that's the key? Death is only a door, death is the road to awe, death is the path to bliss… but remember what ryo said once, dearly beloved ryo, in that synchronistic message that motivated that equally beloved triple incident in that equally beloved winter.
"if you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. kill narcissus. I had an old self that I killed. you can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living."

…and yet, even that isn't entirely applicable.
death is transmutation, for us.
we're gonna turn this coal into diamonds.
we're going to use this fire to turn us ALL into solid gold.

"kill them with kindness," the bible wryly says. eschew violence for mercy that burns twice as hard. it's the irony, the glorious beautiful irony, of light. the truth always hurts like hell, but that's how you get to heaven. we know. I know.

…On nights when Oliver works, I think we need to do this. Just… sit down, and start typing. Whatever happens, happens. Follow our heart. Follow our souls. Whatever flows onto this page, let it. Don't hold anything back.

We adore him, we all do, don't get me wrong. But he and his own, as well as all of us, need time to ourselves too. We need those full cycles. Inside and outside. Together and alone, ironically (neither of us are ever ever alone). But that balance is key. You need light and dark alike to be whole. Human existence is exactly as precious as it is because it is the ENTIRE human experience that is so treasured. The tragedy and the hope, the despair and the bliss, existing simultaneously, sometimes incomprehensibly, often jarringly. But that's life. That's the definition of life. It's this wild and terrible gorgeous thing. It's songbirds and centipedes. It's blood and sunlight. It's suffering and ecstasy. Life requires both. It's something our little human minds can't quite grasp, but… our hearts do, I think. The heart loves paradoxes. The heart feels how huge everything is embracing our little ephemeral lifetimes here. We are born, we live, we die. And the universe goes on and on. Not ever quite without us, though, and that is what we must remember. Yes, our tangible existence here is delicately temporary. But… at the risk of sounding trite, we are all made of stars. We are all built of crystal and seawater and sunlight. We are all little tiny temporary temples, beloved sparks of something divine that no religion can ever fully or accurately translate. But that still, small voice that beats in our blood doesn't need to translate a thing. It speaks clearly and purely, dreadfully and terribly. It's the definition of divinity. It's the definition of humanity. It's both at once.

We need to cry and laugh, we need to smile and scream, we need to be healed and we need to be wounded. We need to wake and we need to sleep. We need our beasts and our humans, our men and our women, we need all of those who don't fit any of those categories. We need unclarity and specificity. We need mystery and revelation. We need to breathe and we need to be breathless. We need our heartbeats and the spaces between them. We need all of creation, and we need the void embracing it all.
We need the entire taijitu, God forgive us, and isn't that the exact thing we've been missing here.

…today's tarot cards are the 7 of wands, and… the fool. well isn't that relevant.

…i'm also re-reading the entry from when I first met infi and it makes SO MUCH SENSE in hindsight I am in aching tears.
it deserves its own entry. ALL of that deserves its own entry. i cannot wait to type. i have to stop denying myself (ourselves) the opportunity TO do so, out of old family-toxic-residue obligations to "suffer as much as possible."
well, let's redefine suffering then. suffering is something that hurts, that aches, right? something that causes pain.
no one ever said it had to be negative pain.
maybe this all-consuming blissful burning in my heart, this terribly divine fire, is pain enough to qualify.
if a saint is made by suffering, let's throw ourselves headfirst into this blessed ache.
find what you love, and let it destroy you.

isn't that the story of our system.

…another wonder of tonight. me having that undeniable but terrifying self-resonance with an angelic form. and not just any sort of angel-- something seraphic. even typing it makes me shake.
but… it's fitting. in art, seraphs are always portrayed as like 95% wings. then there's that humanlike face at the center, all of its "form" that is visible. and for me, when I'm in that form, I'm just this… splendor of wings. all gold sheen, white beneath, shimmer and light. tons of wings, but elegantly, trailing like a peacock tail.

and… now I have that unusual physical form resonance, which is STILL me, which is unprecedented. a form shift! how much internal heart-stability that suggests. it's wonderful. humbling, but joyful.
I look like… like another divine thing, good god what are you trying to tell me. is this demanding utmost integrity? sacred devotion? unflinching incandescent love? you know that's the true core of me. now I'm being explicitly forced to live that at all times. good. the best thing. the highest good.
i… look like anubis. I have the jackal head. the tail. the black skin, the pure gold arms and eyes, the pure white robes accented with red. upon my heart is a red-orange scarab, a blatant reference to infinitii that I didn't realize until after I noticed it was there. a literal heart scarab, my beloved daemon. no coincidences. it's staggering.
it's such an old resonance. as a child we identified so strongly with anubis. jewel wore that ankh for AGES. she still does.
how in the world we never thought that legitimately applicable to headspace i'll never know. but the times, they are a-changing pretty quickly, while staying ever the same. what elegant irony. what lovely paradox. everything that ever meant anything to us, still does. i cannot wait to explore this. it's like an eternal sunrise in our heart, blazing and brilliant and saturated with joyful hope and unbreakable promise.

it's all so new. it's all so shocking, so different, so... blessedly beautiful. but terrifying because of that very fact.
i don't know yet. but every day, we learn. i will keep you posted.

so.
we're re-reading 2015.
forgetting how much beautiful terror defined our life back then.

remembering what it feels like to feel people. realizing with euphoric shock that this has become so common… realizing with heartache that we're taking it for granted as a result.
we… we all need to be together upstairs more. we all need to fall madly in love with each other. we need to stop being afraid of that sort of sincere pure intimacy, where we are all so devoted to each other that the thought of separation or ignorance or laxity in our roles of love and protection and healing and service is utterly incomprehensible. we need to be so completely, unflinchingly, genuinely united in love that we are truly unstoppable and incorruptible and indomitably undying.
we're halfway there, to say the very least. thank god.
but every day is a remembering, a deepening. every moment is another gently merciful yet hugely powerful opportunity To love each other all the more completely. and so we shall.

I want to "pause" this entry here for the night. it's 4am and with everything we've felt this evening… with all the hope we have for the future, with all the determination we have to build that future right now… we need to just Be together right now. we need to unite in this feeling. we need to remember what it feels like to just BE us. inside. yes, daytime is sacred now too, with us being able to exist there too.
but there's a special sacredness to our internal life, too, one that cannot ever be denied or overlooked or shunned. It is a key part of who we are. it is intrinsic. it is indispensable. and we have been slacking on it lately. no wonder we hurt.
but every contrite sorrow is a gilded door to deeper compassion. and so we open this one together.

-jay 083117

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11:31 pm.

 

BAND PRACTICE!
learning how to play the mallets. chimes, bells, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone.
TALK ABOUT PERSONAL AUDITORY RESONANCE GOOD LORD.
toy soldier came over to me and asked me how i felt, i think? i was so blissed out though. told him how resonant it was.
gosh i love his eyes though. that look he has. the intensity and stillness that defines him. that music even then. it's amazing.

felt bad though because i have NEVER played mallets before, plus i couldnt figure out the tempo correctly, and didn't know the music yet. so i was faltering a lot. ah well, i tried my best, and have no regrets. MALLETS, BRO
but i will admit, at the time i was swamped with regret? is that the word? felt so bad that i had "let everyone down" by not getting it right the first time. absolutely unrealistic perfection expectations. but oliver reassured us, god bless that kid.

afterwards, shaky but determined, we got to play the electric piano in the band room.
brought our sheet music. haven't legit played a piano in over a year, probably a lot longer. no access to one at the old house anymore.
but. we did our best to play through both "andrea" and "my true love."
our voice was tight from the late hour and stress both, and we're new to electric pianos, but still. i poured my heart into it entirely. and that's what counts. no fear, just love.

stopped at jack in the box? i think. got a breakfast croissant. ollie got curly fries, which are an injoke in our system for ancient reasons i cannot recall. also massive sweet tea and cheese potato things. good stuff.

oliver playing incredibly emotionally significant songs on the way home, for both him and (unexpectedly, belovedly) for us.
mainly coldplay. "fly on," "oceans," "magic."
"fly on" is apparently bird's. we've never met her, but oliver and his people love her, although that love was tragic, and we feel that so strongly when they talk about it. god. and it was audible in the song itself. that tiny distant system of four is beloved to us, too, for those reasons. we love everyone, true, but that is a special thing. someone we love, in love with someone else. automatically we cannot help but love them too.
then i heard the first note of "oceans" and i swear my heart tripped over itself. did NOT expect that.

 

that song is one of ours. chaos zero and i. one of the songs that hurts so damn much in its relevancy that it annihilates any walls that may be up around my heart. almost in tears hearing it. chaos was there, with me, inside. just being close. being the truth. god i love him.
and ollie said "magic" reminded him of us, too?? which is the sweetest thing. but hearing it, we have to agree.
laughing about how "i don't want anybody else but you" is such a poly paradox. it's 100% true, but you say it to Everyone you love, haha. i love that.

...i remember telling oliver that i was "afraid of my messy humanity"? how i'm so used to living inside. to living in quiet secret places. in solitude, in interims, in liminal spaces. how i'm used to literally being angelic, borderline divine, in headspace. how i'm used to barely holding a form at all. so flesh and bone is still so awkward and strange.
but i love it. this fragile strange messy thing, this experience of humanity, i still love it even if it scares and confuses me. and i apologized for how we struggle with it. but i reassured him we were learning and loving and trying.
geez we've been having so many feelings about that topic lately. needs to be typed about big time.

got home late, but sat down on the couch with food and watching neil degrasse tyson universe stuff with kyo!
watched like four episodes. HUGELY IMPORTANT.,

no one ever taught us about space and things like this before. kyo said she was so sorry; that was truly a travesty. we agree.

black holes, spectroscopes, hypernovas, the ghosts of stars. women and islamic astronomers. prisms and event horizons and atomic structures. the ocean and the universe above. spacetime and gravity. all of it so, so gorgeous and so, so dearly relevant to us.

talking about humanity again. religion being used as control against us. the divinity of space. the smallness and hugeness of our little lives. significant and insignificant. how recognizing the vast, incomprehensible reality we are a part of makes living this tiny life so much easier.

did she kiss me?? i think so. she has the best kisses. all soft bright blue and sincere and gentle and so delicate but vast in a way. just like space. like the ocean.
we both love those things so dearly, in our own ways, in the same ways. gosh i love when she's around, she's so lovely.

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11:59 pm

 

phone notes

Core color = COSMIC LATTE???

RECLAIMER CLASS!!
Scalpel, thunderstorm person?

BLOOD= ACTUALLY INFRARED??

 


082617

Aug. 26th, 2017 08:22 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)


morning.

lying in bed talking trauma.
cats: stormy, peaches, cutie. family lack of empathy.
cried a lot. realizing, yet again, how TOXIC that place was.
i think vernon talked to us at one point?? lord we love him. he's no stranger to this hurt either, but thank god we're both out of it.
not sure who fronted for us. got pretty dissociated in that detox-talk process. but it was needed, and it didn't damage us. so that's good.

got up around 2pm?
oliver making omelettes. we got dressed and ran to food lion.
same cashier as yesterday. "where's your friend?" said he just got home from night shift, I was doing the daily grocery run while he made breakfast.
reply: "you're a good friend, you know that?"
just... hearing that out of the blue from some guy we literally just met was incredibly heartwarming and reassuring.

best omelette we've ever eaten oh man. ♥ peppers and mushrooms and tomatoes and cilantro and green onion. we added hot sauce, curry spices and some mozzarella. it was amazing. thank you oliver

somewhere around 5pm, oliver and I sitting on the kitchen floor, holding each other.
talking about what?
moved into the living room at some point, don't remember that either.

suddenly, kristanova.
what a fierce vibe, geez. i'm not complaining at all; it's just very striking.

BITING. no fear, all teeth. let him know I am totally a fan of that, honestly have you looked at the collective mouths of the pentagape group, we're all fangs up in here. so yeah don't hold back with me.

couldn’t figure out how swim shorts worked, thought that was hilarious

a little intimidated? felt out of it. not myself.
JACKAL FORM and it worked, yesss

EVERYONE showing up again.
infi first obviously.
(three weird dogs in the same room, aha)

chaos zero, too
dear god i am so glad he's fronting more because i adore him, plus him being such a fearlessly purely ardent participant in every expression of love out here is just... indescribable. i don't know what i'd do without him, in every context. thank god for the blue guy.
he deserves every last iota of love he can be a part of. lord knows i give him all of mine.

laurie kissing kris, "get the hell over here"
shocked me, haha. didn't think he would but secretly hoped she'd try; i really love those two protectors and seeing them both learning to stop being so hesitant to 'soften' while still keeping their sharpness is the best thing. feelings are pretty cool man

kris realizing he was with infi and ze just laughing in the best way

me afterwards, not scared of this body nor being in it. everything felt overwhelmingly pure and gold and joyful.

eating this evening was MUCH better. jason tried hella hard to eat without problems, but then the "jess" in the kitchen (not sure if that's her name? but I recognize her) wanted to eat sheer sweets and got sick. kneejerk reaction was to purge. but that was IT. no bingeing after that, thank god.
actual dinner was mushrooms, carrots, hot sauce, cilantro, and one slice of wheat toast because we wanted some and that's good for us too. so success.

now we're typing away, spruce candle burning, wearing all violet and remembering to drink water! going to chill and listen to spotify later.

mason is asleep on the couch. he's such a wonderful dude. I hope we continue to become friends. I know we're a bit of a mess sometimes and we really feel bad but he's nice. we have time. the best friendships take time.

plan is to get up around 5:30 and go for a run, like 45 minutes or so. where to? we don't know!

 


011913

Jan. 19th, 2013 01:54 am
prismaticbleed: (Default)

 

I've been in jester mode virtually ALL DAY and it has been PERFECT, this fits me way too well.
Really I was giggling like a madman for my entire trip to and from school, and Genesis obviously fits the bill so he joined in, it was great. You'd think the guy was hopped up on butterscotch candy!
I have decided that the "jester mode theme" is Dogheater by Jem Godfrey because I cannot listen to that song without downright cackling. It is too funny. Therefore, instant jester mode. SUCCESS!

Chasey updated today and LOOK AT THE FIRST PIC OMFG.
Just... dude. I find Chaos' fangs attractive enough but pair them with that kind of crazy grin and dear heavens. Instant nosebleed, to perpetuate that old injoke.
Really I know Chasey's a diff dude but I swear I still want to kiss the heck out of him, dead serious, even though I can't say that without laughing. I'd seriously grab him by the lapels of that fancy suit and snog him silly, haha. But let's put it this way: Chasey's the version of CZ I'd swap awful pickup lines and petnames with, as well as jester-grade insanity because god of destruction ftw. Also you know we'd both fanboy over fashion and interior design because that stuff is boss, don't you sass me. But yeah, he's the flirty one. The Chaos I've known since '03 is the one that gets the legit hardcore snogfests, to say the very least... unless one of them speaks up to change up the gameplan, in which case I will gladly comply, heheh. I just freaking adore that guy.
As for Chaz, he's not into that sort of romance last I checked, so we will just be platonic bros forever, haha!
On that note I need to just kick my "art depression" in the teeth with these garishly colorful jester boots and draw Chaos tomorrow... any incarnation of him, honestly it does not matter; I just need to draw him more. I've been saying that for far too long without any action, and it is high time to change that.
I did visit Chaos upstairs last night for a little bit once I was able to temporarily form-stabilize enough to do so. Unfortunately I could only stick around for about two, three minutes tops, but it was worth it. Words can't do justice to the look on his face when he realized that it actually was me for once.
Oh darling, if I'm ever blue, it's cause I'm thinking of when I didn't know you... how ironically bittersweet, seriously.
Maybe I do need lots of pills at this point, haha. And we do both need to just chill after this entire fiasco. But you know what the deal is with rainbows and waterfalls, you gorgeous creature. I'm not leaving you, I swear. I just tend to get stuck in typhoons every now and then.
Je t'adore, je t'aime, et mon coeur est à toi pour toujours. Come and find me in our dreams tonight, I swear I miss you more than I can take.

Life's been absolutely nuts for a few months now but something tells me that when I overcome this bloody corrupted-metainomen nonsense of mine (honestly we didn't even think that COULD happen but I guess when your mind thinks a negative deviation IS a "repentance" for the alleged sin of your previous title, then stuff gets toxic real quick son), things will fall together better than I can imagine.
Gotta find a new title that reverses this shift. Not that hard for me, what with all my funky form-morphing tendencies. I've got like four solid titles already for different shifts and if I can scratch this one then so be it!
Also speaking of form changes I think my hair has actually darkened upstairs?? It's been either red or white for ages now, but today it was my natural earthly color and that actually felt a-okay. So that's new and interesting. I shall investigate this turn of events tomorrow, right now it's late duder and I need sleep because my dreams lately have been wicked cool. Too bad waking up for class at 6AM- tends to mangle my recall, gotta fix that somehow.
Man I'm just glad I can update though! I've been out of whack for way too long. Thank goodness for jester mode, hahaha!

I do have to thank Laurie for her incredible courage in actually playing along with my literally "bloody" side yesterday morning, because all that collective love she managed to bring together in spite of my sudden psychopathic rampage really helped me gain enough strength to take back the steering wheel.
I have no idea what happened at the end of yesterday's session but Laurie is okay, thank God.

Also. This evening I had some minor slippage as my grandparents are under a lot of stress as usual so they've been rather verbally violent and loud lately (plus my grandmother is still radiating that painful negativity and my bro Lightning can feel it too), but I was smart enough to go isolate myself and try to recenter when stuff started to get threatening. Then because I was still pretty sugarhigh I moved to the mirror and was experimenting with jester-like facepaint (of course I'm sticking with red), except about five minutes in I abandoned that train of thought and immediately got out the man makeup, haha. To explain: every once in a while I will actually use makeup to modify my facial aesthetics to match my upstairs manifestation more accurately, as it kills dysphoria and is a bona fide "base zero" reset action as well. Now I haven't done that in months, and since I've been so "OOC" as of late, looking in the mirror and actually seeing myself was really incredible. Well, at least face-wise, but as long as that matches I can actually nullify the body dysphoria, like I said, which is awesome.
To elaborate on that, which is the important bit... as long as I can see myself in my own face, everything seems to just 'fix itself' (and it's 2:22 right now, love you too universe). Depression melts away, hacks are neutralized, everything just clicks. I feel incredibly grounded and really honestly happy. Not the sparkle-rainbow happy that jester mode puts me into, but the sort of 'happy' that's more of a quiet serenity. It's the sort of emotion that blooms without warning when you're watching the snow fall or sitting in a forest in the spring. Just a smile from your heart that can't stay hidden, and suddenly everything is glowing. That sort of happy.
But the strangest thing is that it somehow makes me feel... I dunno. "Holy" is the closest word I can find, oddly enough. It's like crystal and sunlight.
Anyway as soon as I felt that I realized, "whoa, I think I can actually bypass all my blocks and tap into my headspace energy here." So I tried it, and... well, it was as if l had suddenly reached into a supernova. I cannot remember the last time I was able to physically FEEL that stuff. It was actually shocking.
So of course there was only one thing I could do.
I went upstairs and found Laurie.
My mind is still in shock over Tuesday. I can barely comprehend that it happened, although I REMEMBER it clear as day and have no emotions attached to it (as I was in "stone cold do not care murder mode" the entire time)... even so I do want to atone for what 'I' did. And the first thing I felt I needed to do was give Laurie her stars back.
Well, my choosing to do that while in such a synced-up state this evening resulted in probably the second most intense connection I have EVER had (the 23rd being the first). It was INSANE, not just because of how much sheer light I was able to give her, but also because I FELT it in the physical, AND it somehow felt so freaking sacred that I swear if Jezebel had so much as looked at me then she would have burst into flames. I do not doubt that it was because I was 'in tune' in physical reality for once when I did that, it probably had some seriously benevolent effect.
I am going to have to anchor myself more strongly over the next few days, and stay in jester mode because that's actually helping to burn away all the lingering tar, so that by February 1st I'll be in a state of mind 'worthy enough' (for lack of a better term) to face what is unavoidably going to go down that day.

So yes. Life is good.
I have closed an entry with those exact words before, did you get deja vu? I did! It was pretty funny actually.
Now as much as I'd like to stay here and be all sugarhappy, I do need sleep and I do have a lot of homework to finish (because school is silly like that) so punching in to work for the night is probably my best option.
Oh!! Just want to mention that my boss (Mr. Sandman) has been an ANGEL lately, really he is incredible. I need to devote an entire entry to him or something at this point, I do not give him the attention he deserves.
Speaking of... it's 2:51 in the morning. I think I should go say hello to another special someone before I sleep.

Good night, everyone.

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

“So… I guess we’re the most popular humans in the Dream World now, eh?”
“Thanks to our boyfriends, yeah.”
I smiled at Jewel’s response. She was absolutely right… if it weren’t for our romantic situations, she’d be lost in spite of her connections to this world…and… I’d probably be dead…
“Hm…” I wondered aloud. “So… what’s it like, having three boyfriends?”
Jewel smiled widely at my sudden question and shook her head. “Not three, four,” she corrected me, holding up four fingers to show it. “Selph counts now, too.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “What, you’re in love with your Nightmaren now, too?”
“Maybe,” she shrugged, still smiling. “We both love each other a heck of a lot the way it is… and he’s been a huge influence on my life… if it weren’t for him, I’d be a completely different person talking to you right now. I might not even be talking to you if it weren’t for Selph.”
“Isn’t that thanks to all your boyfriends?” I asked, a little confused.
“Oh, sure,” Jewel replied, “But Selph has really helped me be a better person. Although I don’t deny one bit how majorly my other three have affected my life.” She looked down and smiled, sighing. “Ryou mostly. If it weren’t for him, I might never have met the other three. It’s amazing how fast and how deeply we fell in love… mostly because I was only 12 years old when I did…” She laughed. “Twelve!! And I’d have laid my life down for him in an instant.”
“Yeah, you fell in love pretty early,” I laughed also. “And you keep falling in love, too.”
“Oh, I know, I know!!” Jewel exclaimed, smiling. “I just can’t help it. They’re all just so… well, something about all of them… we were just destined to be together. If we weren’t, well, who knows what life would be like now…” Her smile faded and a sad expression took its place. “Marik might have tried to take over the world again… his Yami would probably have come back, probably would’ve killed him… he would’ve stumbled back into a heck of a lot of trouble either way…and Chaos… he might… he might’ve…” Jewel put a hand to her forehead, her eyes suddenly shining with tears. “…I’m sorry…I really don’t want to think about it…”
I could only look back at her sadly as she tried to fight the tears. “…It’s all right, Jewel. I understand.” I said at length.
“Yeah, you do,” Jewel answered, smiling through the pain. “You really do.” She straightened up again, facing me with a knowing look. “Thanks, Jen.”
I smiled. “No problem. We both need someone to talk to about this kind of stuff, and, hey, we’re the only two girls around who have experienced these kind of things…”
“Yeah,” Jewel said, looking down. “Not that I want anyone else to have to experience them, you know… at least not the pain part…and we’ve both had our share of pain, eh?”
I laughed sadly. “Mm-hmm…but there’s always more coming, you know…”
Jewel laughed once, but it came out more like a sob. “Tell me about it…” I looked over at her, puzzled. “If I could take that pain away from him… if I had to die to take that pain away from him, so he’d never have to suffer like that again… then I’d do it. I’d gladly do it.” She wasn’t holding the tears back now.
“Chaos Zero,” I said knowingly, as Jewel put a hand over her mouth, eyes shut tight. Trying to keep from crying.
“I’m sorry, Jen…” she managed to apologize. “I’m so sorry. I’m probably making you remember things too…”
I smiled sadly. “Just a little…it’s all right, though. Don’t worry about it.” I told her.
She had both hands folded tightly across her chest now, trying to hold back the sobs. It was amazing…how much pain they suffered because of each other… and they only loved each other even more because of it…
…Just like D and I.
We’ve known each other for three years now… a little longer than Jewel knew Chaos…and we were just as bad.
I never thought, in my entire life, I would fall in love as deeply as I had with him… and that’s the odd part. D wasn’t even human. He was a Jewel Monster, as they were called… strange but amazing beings that lived here, in the Dream World. He had come to Earth to try and keep his world’s immense war from spreading there, and that’s how I had met him.
It’s funny… thinking back on those early days…I had thought of him as just some new guy in the school… but still, he was different, in some way. Not just in that he was nicer to me that any other person I had met, not just that he was just as alone as me…
He became my first true friend-- and I knew it was the same for him. It was amazing back then just how happy I was around him, how much we trusted each other, how he made me feel like my life was worth something for once.
And then that fateful day came along. He told me everything… what he was, where he was from, why he was here. And, surprisingly… I didn’t care. To tell the absolute truth, I loved him even more for it- for trusting me with his secret, for risking everything by telling me. I loved him even more because he was this creature he said he was… and because he had loved me for who I was. But…
…I wanted to be like him. I wanted to become what he was, whatever he was. And not just so we’d be similar in that way… but so I could be closer to him in that way, so I could stay with him for the rest of my life.
That was what I wanted. It was what he wanted, too. And I will never forget the night it actually happened… I had never been so happy in my entire life.
I was that much in love with him. And I’ve stayed that way through everything…
It was because of a war that we met, after all, so I could only end up caught in it sooner or later. Because I had fallen in love with a wanted man, I had the most feared being of his world after my life… and after his. That was the first time I felt the pain… the kind of agonizing pain in your heart that comes from you realizing the truth…that because of my love, he would have to suffer… and I would suffer because of his.
It seemed that was the way relationships went in the Dream World. But, in spite of that, everybody was talking about D and Jenny. We were so much in love, in spite of everything—in spite of his terrible past, in spite of the pain we brought each other, in spite of all possible consequences, we only loved each other even more.
And then Jewel fell in love with Chaos Zero, and I realized that, compared to them, we had it easy.
You see, on the surface, both our relationships looked the same- but on the inside, I could only look on in amazement at what they had to go through, and wonder how in the world they had survived this long.
Sure, D and I had to fight XX constantly, but they did too, even if it wasn’t directly. But… not only did Jewel have to fight the forces of evil…
…She also had to fight her boyfriend.
You see- Chaos had a bit of a problem. Whenever his negative emotions became too powerful for him to handle, whenever they went out of control… he went Perfect.
Perfect... You say that word around either of those two and they’d start to cry. Just like Jewel was now. It was their biggest weakness—their enemies could either threaten Jewel to the point where Chaos lost control, or simply force him into that dreaded transformation… and that happened more often than they could handle…
It obviously hurts Jewel terribly. She literally has almost died—and actually did once, that’s a long story—several times already, all for the sake of protecting or saving Chaos.
Because when he went Perfect… it wasn’t Chaos in control anymore. He would turn into a monstrous creature existing only to destroy, to cause total Dastation. And when he finally came back to his senses—usually by force—he was an emotional wreck.
D could relate, I thought sadly… he was possessed for 14 years, after all…
I can only imagine how it must feel to see the person you love suffer like that again and again… and to not be able to do anything about it! Just thinking about what D had to go through before I met him hurt like you wouldn’t believe…
I wish I could take that pain away from him… or the memories, of the terrible things he was made to do…
What must it feel like to live with such painful thoughts haunting you?
“…Jenny?”
“Huh?” I said, startled, as I looked back up at Jewel. She had stopped crying, but was now looking at me concernedly.
“Jen, sweetheart, you’re crying. What’s wrong?”
“Oh,” I managed to say, surprised when I realized there really were tears in my eyes. Wow… I hadn’t even noticed. I must really have been deep in thought…
“Oh, Jewel?” I suddenly asked, as I wiped the tears from my face. “A-are you all right now?”
“Oh, sure,” she said sadly. “I’m sorry, I just get so worked up sometimes… especially over what happened recently…”
“You don’t have to tell me if it hurts, Jewel,” I said quickly as I noticed the pain in her eyes. But the pain suddenly faded as they widened and she looked at me in total shock. “You mean you haven’t heard about it?” She asked me, stunned.
“…Um…no, I haven’t…” I managed to reply, a little embarrassed. How the heck fast did word get around the Dream World? Either that, or how far behind was I in the news?
Jewel made a small sort of laugh and looked off to the side. “Well,” she began, “It’s about Chaos and I, obviously.” I nodded, smiling.
Jewel took a deep breath and sighed loudly. “All right, Jen, if I start crying while I’m telling you this, then just ignore me and tell me to keep talking.”
I laughed. “All right, Jewel.”
She smiled back sadly before closing her eyes. She took another deep, painful breath, and suddenly continued. “—Eggman took control of Chaos again.”
“What??” I exclaimed. Before Jewel had met Chaos, when he was still a creature of destruction, he was under the control of a wannabe super villain named Eggman. Eggman had been trying to get Chaos back to use in his evil schemes for quite some time now, but always failed by one way or the other. The only problem now was that Eggman wasn’t a wannabe anymore. He was really becoming a formidable, cruel opponent.
“It’s true,” Jewel said painfully. “He—I don’t know how it happened, but—he brainwashed him or something, and he turned back into the way he was before we got together…”
She was stumbling over her words now, obviously shaken even by the memories. “It was… it was terrible. He was with Eggman in the city, so I immediately knew something was wrong, but when he didn’t recognize who I was, I just… I…I couldn’t…” She stopped, her eyes flooded with tears. Suddenly she smiled at me. “Jen, you’re supposed to tell me to shut up now,” she said sadly.
“Oh, sorry,” I laughed weakly, but I couldn’t help but feel amazedly worried. What that must’ve felt like…!
Jewel closed her eyes. “Well, anyway, I figured I could snap him out of it, but Eggman sent his robots on me so I couldn’t move. Then… he had an Emerald…” She choked back a sob. “Before I knew it, he had given it to Chaos, and… I knew we’d be suffering through hell again pretty soon.” Her voice had become hard, but it was still breaking. My own expression saddened, half in pity, half in horror. I knew what she meant. Not only did negative emotions cause Chaos to go Perfect, but Chaos Emeralds did too… except a lot slower, and in a much more painful way…
“So… what’d you do?” I asked quietly, afraid but curious as to her answer.
She looked up at me. “I couldn’t do anything,” she replied emptily. “Then, of course, Sonic showed up, and what do you know, he had an Emerald too. So guess who got it soon after that?”
I didn’t reply. I could only look at her suddenly blank, drained expression. It was always a problem when that happened…. when you felt life was just too painful to go on with…
She sighed. “So Chaos was in his second stage now. Turns out that was all Eggman needed, so he decided to leave. The only problem was that he knew how to teleport now, so he didn’t have to go up in some little ship instead. So I panicked, as I wanted to save Chaos but had no idea where they were going, so I pulled a sneak teleport on them and rode the wave.” She looked up at me. “You know, to teleport while concentrating on their own transportation wave, so you go exactly where they did.”
I nodded, but was too concerned to let her continue just yet. “Jewel… are you sure you’re okay?” I finally asked.
It was as if she was released from a spell. Her expression suddenly flooded with emotion and she broke into sobs.
“I’m sorry,” she managed to reply through her tears, “I’m so sorry…it’s just that it’s too much for me sometimes, so I try to ignore it, but…I can’t. I just can’t.” She sobbed again, harder than before. “It just hurts so much…it hurts so much…”
I didn’t know what to say. I had never lived through something as openly terrible as what Jewel was telling me she lived through. But even as I thought upon this, she bravely straightened up, took a deep, shaking breath, and went on.
“Anyway,” she continued, so abruptly that I would’ve laughed if our situation wasn’t so painful, “I ended up somewhere inside their ship…in a back room, like a storage room or something. Chaos and Eggman were just outside the door- I could hear them. I immediately turned invisible when I heard Eggman say to himself he was searching for Sonic and my whereabouts, so he knew he wouldn’t be followed. He couldn’t find me. That got me worried at first, but when he didn’t elaborate on it, I calmed down a little. Well, as much as I could in my current situation…” She smiled weakly. “Anyway, Eggman tracked down the next Emerald by using the two already in Chaos, so we were beginning to head after it. And… I’m not sure what happened then, but… for some reason Chaos came into that room where I was.”
“What? Really?” I asked as she nodded. “Well… what did you do?”
“I nearly died, that’s what,” she said as her expression saddened even more. “The look on his face was just so empty, so confused…it really hurt to see him like that. But he kept looking around that back room until he finally left, and I wondered if he had sensed me in there or something. That’s when it hit me.”
I blinked, taken by surprise at this statement. “What?”
She looked at me, a remnant of that hope in her eyes as she spoke. “The Chaon Ruby. That’s the only way he could’ve felt me there, even in his current condition. I could only pray Eggman hadn’t taken it out of him somehow, that he had overlooked it or simply forgotten… so, for the first and hopefully last time in my life, I wanted to see him hit Chaos 3.”
“W…why?” I managed to ask.
She continued, almost excitedly now. “Well, as Chaos 4 he gets a visible central spine and tail from the Emeralds, so Chaos 3 should start the spine in his upper back or something…and if the Ruby was still in him, it should affect that transformation in some way.” I nodded, understanding, as she suddenly sighed. “It would undoubtedly hurt, as he shouldn’t have the two in him at the same time, the Ruby and those Emeralds. But it was the only way for me to know if I could possibly save him in that way or not.”
She looked back up. “Anyway, Eggman happened to find two Emeralds then… both within a relatively small area, and not that far away either. So, obviously, he decided to go down and get them. However,” her eyes glanced down again, “If Sonic and the others knew about those Emeralds too, he’d have a bit of a problem getting them for himself. So he decided to check the area for them again. I left the back room as he did… I was still invisible, but I wanted to know what he was up to. He couldn’t find Sonic or the others on the scanner, so I figured that was all he needed, but then… he decided to scan for me.”
“For you?” I asked incredulously.
“For me,” she asserted, a serious expression on her worried face. “Now that was a problem. Sure, he was going to find me, I was right there! So what was I going to do?”
Jewel suddenly stopped, a sort of grim nervousness washing over her. “I was going to do something insane, that’s what.” The words came out incredulously, exasperatedly. 


(Me telling about the third emerald and such, the others nearby, sonic showing up again, etc. and such. Don’t forget about when I had to teleport again, but had to stay in mid-space for a painful amount of time (as I didn’t know where to teleport to) and ended up going into skull jester morph as a result. So on and so forth, Chaos ended up still having the Ruby in him after all, thank heavens, so that helped me a lot. I think Knuckles or somebody has another Emerald, because I think Chaos gets to his 5th form there, and it’s really freaky looking… a cross between his fish stage and that mutant thing for his 6th. Something happens where he senses me again, goes to hit me, but I turn blue invisible so his hand goes right through me. I’m an emotional mess right about then, as I’m in a lot of pain and have no real idea as to how the heck I’m going to save Chaos from himself THIS time. Anyway, we end up back on Eggman’s ship, so I basically sit next to him, not really caring if he tries to kill me anymore, but caring too much to give up on him. Such and such and such… I don’t remember anything after that, I’ll try to tonight and write it tomorrow, or Tuesday… I think at one point Chaos hits his Ultimate Negative (Perfect Infinite), but that might’ve been just a worry of mine. It’d be scary if he did, and however the heck that would happen, he’d have to have gone Perfect already… which isn’t good, I don’t want him to go Perfect again… *sigh* Oh well. Thank goodness I just don’t remember this lovely little escapade, since it’s over already but my mind’s a blur, so I’m as happy as can be after living through all that crap, you know. So now Chaos and Marik and Bakura can complain about rabid fangirls and love at first sight and sneaky tricks involving homunculi (which was terribly funny) like they did this afternoon, as Jenny and D stare at us like we’re absolute lunatics, which we are. It’s funny though. D wants to catch up to Chaos relationship-wise, but heheh, Chaos keeps taunting him that he can’t because he and I have all those weirdo abilities and he doesn’t, which is true. Oh, and D teasing Chaos that he probably wants to marry me already but there’s no priest psycho enough to marry us, and everyone just basically arguing over my strict “no marriage” thing and all because it’s too dang awkward and besides I’ve already vowed myself to God, plus I’m a celibate but if I ever did have the possibility of getting married I couldn’t possibly rule out Ryou and Marik and Selph because I love them all too… oh well see you later.)

(That’s right, it’s Tuesday, and although I have to write down all the important things I wrote on Sunday (see the other hidden paragraph above), I remembered a few more things yesterday that I’m going to forget otherwise. All right. First off, when Chaos hits 6, later on he ends up in the same city where he first met Sonic. Funnily enough, Sonic happens to be there when Chaos and Eggman arrive. So am I of course. Anyway, there’s a fight of sorts, but I don’t remember anything of that… only thing is, at the end, Eggman ends up secretly and/or suddenly having the seventh Emerald. I’m not sure if he sneakily found it in the city nearby while Sonic and the gang were fighting Chaos 6, he might’ve, either that or he had it all along and was waiting until then to use it for whatever evil reason. Probably. Either way, I don’t think Chaos stays Perfect for long, thank God. Mostly because I freak out and, well, you know, become an emotional mess like I usually do when that happens. Anyway, I start frantically thinking up a way to get him the heck back to normal as fast as I could, not caring what the risk would be to me. So, take a guess at what I did? Yep—pulled my infamous Incident #2 trick: from the first time I ever had to face Perfect Chaos, and my first spontaneous, painful, and insane- but effective- strategy to revert him back… a suicide dive. Yep, that’s right… went Cherubell, flew into him and attacked directly. Well, it’s a miracle neither of us died or were hurt too bad… mainly Chaos just turned Perfect Angel from the emotional overload attack I had blasted into him from the inside… not to mention his Chaon Ruby would act as a receptor/amplifier for that, with my Millennium Crystal and such… but back to the point. It’s the first crazy idea that comes to my mind, and since I’m so heartsick and don’t want to see Chaos suffer through this crap for a second longer, I do it again. And… it works. Eggman is furiously stunned, as he had no idea I’d done that before and that it actually worked, and well, neither of us died from it either. Only problem is, I’m absolutely drained from the explosion of energy and Chaos is in terrible condition. This is because it was the Chaos Emeralds that caused him to go crazy this time (I don’t think that was ever the case before… it was usually from negative emotional overload… I’m not sure about that one time in this same city when Sonic caught us together afterwards… he heh!!), unlike all the other times before. Anyway, the seven Emeralds are all over the street area (wherever the heck we are), and there’s a significant amount of blood too, although I’m not sure whose, probably both Chaos’ and mine. However, even though he’s back to Chaos 0, his eyes are still terribly blank, and I realize he’s not back to himself yet. This delivers a crushing blow to me as I’m really at a loss now. But before I can do anything else, Eggman tells him to fight me or destroy me or something like that… I think he might’ve even convinced Chaos that I was the enemy…but, whatever it was, Chaos suddenly turns black and nine wings appear on his back—one really freakish one that does not look like it should be there. I mentally freeze, terrified and really beginning to panic—he’s gone Perfect Infinite. That form is possibly even worse than his normal Perfect transformation, as although he’s still himself in that form, his negative emotions completely take over, so it’s a lot harder to get him out or stop him. Anyway, he immediately starts fighting me. Initially he takes me by surprise, and keeps moving so insanely fast I can barely fight back, which I do, but not much. Anyway, at one point I hit the ground and can’t summon the strength to get up. Chaos stands in front of me, not doing anything. Eggman starts screaming at him, saying “don’t just stand there” and telling him that if he killed me than there would be no one powerful enough to stop him or Chaos, and they would have absolute power. I suddenly realize a frightening juxtaposition in this situation to a very infamous one with the J-Monsters. (You know what I’m talking about.) I’m starting to cry now, not much at first, but it’s the kind of crying that just inevitably comes on from that terrible, agonizing pain in your heart, the kind you get when someone you love is suffering and it seems that, no matter what, you can’t do anything to help them. (The hurt is comparable to the equally unbearable pain you get when you just can’t be near someone you deeply love, and it’s too much for you to handle…maybe they’re both the same thing? …) Anyway, I end up saying (sort of to myself) “Chaos, if he’s XX, then I hope you’re D.” My point being that (if you don’t know, for whatever reason) D was being used to do evil fiercely against his will, while D’s fellow Guardian, was committing similar acts of evil willingly. And I sure as heck didn’t want Chaos to be doing what he was doing out of his own free will. And yes, Eggman’s fitting XX’s part frighteningly well. (Maybe Eggman’s involved in XX’s schemes somehow?) Anyway… my memory around here is blurry again… curse this memory… but Chaos just won’t move. Eventually Eggman screams again for him to kill me and get it over with, but Chaos suddenly says that he can’t do it. (Being totally honest… I nearly burst into tears at hearing his voice again—he hadn’t spoken at all during this whole incident, you notice, and Chaos talking again is most likely a sign he’s coming back to normal.) Eggman is, of course, stunned, as in reverting Chaos back to how he was before he met me (however he did that), he did just that—Chaos didn’t talk, his eyes were virtually lifeless and he didn’t seem to have any common sense or morality at all when he was in battle. Now Chaos is suddenly reverting back to his actual self, when he shouldn’t be, at least according to Eggman. Anyway, Eggman keeps yelling at him, but Chaos either doesn’t reply or simply says he just can’t get himself to do that to me. When Eggman demands why the heck he feels like that, Chaos can only say he doesn’t know. I’m getting pretty hopeful as I might be able to fully bring him back now, but I’m still unsure if it’ll actually happen. (It hurts when I do that… I don’t want to doubt, I want to trust, but human nature makes it hard…) Anyway, I’m still hurting terribly inside, and as a result am sort of careless yet. I start saying things to Chaos, like it didn’t matter if he killed me or not, it was his choice, his orders even, and I had no right to interfere with it…self put-downs like that. Anyway, at one point I’m just feeling terrible and stop resisting and talking altogether, but Chaos suddenly says something… I think I first tell him that he could kill me if he wanted, it’s fine with me (you can tell how far gone I am now), and he suddenly replies with “Jewel… I can’t.” I recognize the Chaos I know in his voice and I look up at him. Suddenly his black color literally just falls from him like ink, and all nine of his wings just dissipate or shatter or something… so he’s back to normal, blue Chaos Zero. But then his eyes go back to normal the way they did the first time... you know, because his irises are emerald green (the whites are light green) they just sort of phase out from it… it’s pretty neat-looking. But either way, I recognized this meant he was back. I couldn’t get myself to even say anything, though, half from emotions I couldn’t even begin to vocalize, half from fear of crying if I opened my mouth. Seems Chaos felt the same way, as he simply walked over to me and helps me up from the ground. As soon as I’m back on my feet I hug him as hard as I can, not holding back tears. Chaos holds me tightly also, but seems depressed and dazed or something… some sort of confused expression hiding nearly unbearable emotions. I notice this and ask him if he’s feeling all right. Chaos then suddenly lets go of his emotion and starts talking about what it was like when he went back to his “old self”, he wasn’t fully aware of what he was doing… as if his memory and personality had been erased, but he was still somehow that person. He apologized several times, each with a terrible sort of self-hatred, for hurting me like he did and making me suffer through that whole event anyway. I constantly stopped him mid-apology, protesting that I hadn’t even held it against him and it wasn’t his fault anyway. Our conversation goes on like this for a while, with Chaos insisting it was his fault and feeling terrible about what he did this time, and me protesting that no one held it against him, he hadn’t hurt me, I wasn’t upset with him or anything, etc. But one particular time after I told him this, he just looked up at me with this pained, regretful expression and insisted once again that there was no way to change the absolute truth; he had hurt me badly, both physically and spiritually, even if he hadn’t done so directly, and he couldn’t forgive himself for it, no matter what I said. But I just smiled at him and replied, “Chaos, I love you…you couldn’t hurt me if you tried.” Chaos realizes how sincerely true my words are and can only start crying again over what happened.)



 

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