the spectrum heart cathedral system

I haven't been updating, have I.
There's quite a simple explanation for that though. Since December started (probably even earlier, but the first week of December is when the serious terror started to happen), I have been an absolute psychological mess, to say the least. I've been fighting existential meltdowns and suicide attempts. I've been destroying relationships and people alike.
I've been staying up late, staring into nothingness, then sleeping for up to 15 hours at a time, never feeling rested. I haven't been eating, I get sick when I do, I'm constantly exhausted, and I'm having trouble thinking straight in school, let alone at all.
I have 58 new scars on my arms.
And to top it all off, when it all hits I simply do not care. I don't.

I am trying so hard to be happy-- for no reason, like a kid-- but it's not sticking. Genesis actually yelled at me today for doing that again. Central has adopted my term of "jester mode" for that manic phenomenon of mine, which first became apparent in like 2004 for heaven's sakes, during our obsession with those very things. Still, the term remains extremely fitting: like a clown, in that mode I pretend all my personal problems are completely solved, and go running around in a bleary rainbow hype until the sugar crash hits and I end up minutes away from being dead. I am still Pagliacci, I guess. God help me.
But yes, I can go for days with a genuine smile on my face and not a problem in the world. I did that yesterday, actually. I wrote a new song for Event Horizon, didn't lose my cool despite my car breaking down on the highway on the way to school (basically my rear right tire blew out and this car had no spare), and overall had quite a brilliant day. But, yesterday I ignored every single one of my relationships. I didn't miss them.
This is why Central thinks my metainomen has mutated. You can't love without a heart, and you can't have a heart without blood... isn't that horrible irony? They're thinking I now hold blood, like my daughter, but in the wrong sense... blood is thicker than water, and when my heart tries to shut him out, then what the heck is it going to do to the rest of reality?? For such a red soul I've been as gaunt as a corpse lately, unwilling to associate with life and warmth anymore because it's too horribly close. I bleed everyone out, I bleed myself out, and all that's left is icy silent death. Even after ten years I can walk out on a person with no regrets, and keep walking.
...Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I've been getting some weird reactive symptoms to flat-out expressing this passive destruction lately.
First, whenever I say I don't want Chaos in my life anymore, that I wish I had never met him, I get an immediate inner response of "you know that's not true." I can fight that feeling as viciously and angrily as I want, but there's an undying sense of guilt when I do so. I don't know if it's overattachment or something real. Either way it's there, whether I like it or not.
Second, I can't seem to let go of Laurie. Only Laurie. I can ignore everyone else in the world, kick them out of my life, pretend they never existed. But even when I'm shoving Chaos out the door, I can't get the guts to do it to her. Still, the biggest thing haunting me with this is the night of Tuesday the 15th. I tried to kill all of them, her included. I came seriously close. It was the first and hopefully only time in my life I didn't care whether she lived or died. And I know why. I know exactly why.

The problems that I have been struggling with for the PAST TWO YEARS (possibly even three at this point) are still 100% intact and unsolved.
Do you remember this entry from April last year? Go re-read it. It's almost exactly what I am dealing with now, to the letter.

Last night I tried to set her on fire. You know, the green one. I had every intention of killing her on the spot. But Boss kept telling me not to, and God threw a few really loud signs at me. So the flames were put aside, and she was tossed out into the cold instead.
Okay, I won't kill you. But I don't want you around anymore. Get out.
It's too dangerous, for the both of us, with you here.

Laurie will not stop insisting that I am able to literally alter and edit time up here, not just space. If that's true it would be the most ridiculously ironic thing ever.
Wouldn't I be the biggest freaking risk to everyone's survival? Do you really want to give a destructive maniac like me access to the rhythm of everyone's life?? Or are you betting on my lingering inexplicable concern for you? Are you betting that I won't run a magnet through the motherboard solely because it will erase you too, if you can't get out in time? Don't you remember when I tried to scratch the disc into oblivion? Just because the real data runs deeper doesn't mean I won't still plunge a sword through it when my eyes are red enough.
Have you already forgotten what I am capable of doing when my emotions completely dissolve? Have you already forgotten that I nearly killed you?
Or do you care too much?
What the hell am I even talking about?
I do not want to be so important to anyone, let alone everyone. I want Laurie and Chaos to be the central players, not me. They're important. I'm tired of mattering so much. I'm tired of mattering.

I'm too tired to write anymore either.

This isn't me. I don't know what this is. I can't see.
Most days now I wish Julie had never switched sides. At least then I'd still have a working conscience.
Now I've forgotten what's right or wrong and everyone is bleeding for it.
I've considered creating another shadow to take her old place, but I'm terrified that the role is already mine.
Or I would be, if I could feel anything genuine anymore.


I'm going to call a therapist tonight, come hell or high water. There's one about a half hour away that hopefully will be able to treat my condition. We shall see.
Something needs to be done, and I'm grasping at straws at this point.

Something needs to change, if I expect to stay alive.

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@ 06:03 pm

i cannot deal with this right now.
my mom came home from work for once, noticed that i had started self-abusing again (sorry but its the only coping method i have left) and immediately started shouting for me to "stop acting like a baby and grow up"
now my grandfather has joined in and they're both threatening to ship me off to the psych ward again if i don't stop "trying to get attention" because i'm "just being lazy" and a burden on the family
for sanity's sake i have been dealing with this hell for 6 nightmarish years straight
you saw the diagnoses they gave me, but you don't care.
and i'm afraid to tell you that i honestly cant deal with life at this point, when you act like this.
the last two times i slipped too far i was told to pack up and leave.
god help me i cannot deal with this, i am so sorry.

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.